My book came out today! Today! (Have I mentioned my book? I don’t think I’ve mentioned it. Book, book, book, BOOOOOK! Hello, I’m being obnoxious because I’m so nervous. Book. Yes, my book came out today and I’m sorta freaking out about it. Book. It has become like a nervous tic. Book. This is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Book. I really should stop biting my nails while I write. Book. Maybe I should just hide and bake cookies. Book.)
What?
Oh yeah.
So when you release a book it has become popular to offer a bestseller list promise.
Something along the lines of, “If my book makes it on a bestseller list I will __________.” (Except where that line is they write something interesting, exciting, silly or shocking.)
This supposedly makes people want to help the author make the bestseller list because they really want to see them do the _________ thing.
Some authors promise to “post a naked picture of themselves” or “giveaway 100 copies of their book” or all kinds of other random things that (mostly) nobody cares about.
Does this work? I don’t think so. However, this is too silly and too ridiculous to pass on.
So after the success of the Poop Monster video, I first asked the kids for their ideas.
What should I do if my book makes it onto one of the bestseller lists?
Crappy Boy says:
Now there’s an idea. Notice I didn’t say good idea.
They follow it up with suggestions like “poke your eyeball out with a spear” and “eat dirty socks” which obviously aren’t things I’d enjoy doing very much.
So I try to steer their ideas towards a more celebratory theme. What should I do to celebrate?
To celebrate, Crappy Baby thinks I should:
He adds that I should do it with my bare hands.
I tell them that their ideas are great so far and ask if they have any more ideas to add. Maybe something really fun and exciting.
What would they do to celebrate? What is the most exciting thing ever?
And Crappy Baby suggests that we all:
I love, love, love that for him the “most exciting thing ever” is going to the bowling alley. (Note to self: take kids to the bowling alley again.)
Then a lightbulb turns on for Crappy Boy and he says:
Then immediately pauses and asks, “Wait. Will you bring us too?”
Maybe. We’ll see, kiddo. How many copies did you buy?
So after I asked the kids you might think that I asked Crappy Papa but I didn’t.
I didn’t have to ask him because his answer is automatically Champagne.
Next, I asked some friends. The suggestions ranged from “stay at a hotel all by yourself and sleep in” to “draw crappy pictures of your vagina before and after kids”. Things like buying shoes and tropical island vacations were also included.
Finally, it is YOUR turn. What would you like to see me do if my book got on a bestseller list?
—————
If magic happens and the book does wind up on a bestseller list I promise to pick no less than FIVE of your ideas and actually do them. And then post about them right here of course.
I’ll also take the family to Disneyland. And pop a balloon with my bare hands. And drink Champagne. I’ll do those three things either way. Nah, maybe I’ll skip the balloon.
You can buy the book in stores today!!
Or online from Amazon.com
And after you get your book…pretty please (with chocolate on top? bacon? wine? alone time?) write a review on the site you ordered from, that would help me tremendously.
Thank you SO MUCH for your support!! I really, really, really appreciate it. You have no idea what a crazy and fun ride this has been. Thanks for coming along.
I got your book in the mail today!! Wahooo! I’m laughing already and I’m only a few pages in.
If you get on a bestseller list I think you should get a tattoo of your family.
Yeah! But, the tattoo has to be in Crappy Style!
LOL, of COURSE it does! Get the whole family, just like your pictures look!!!
YES!! I love the tattoo idea!! Maybe not of the crappy family, because that’d be a kind of large tattoo, but maybe like your trademark or something?
YES!!! Crappy Tattoo, FTW!!
I love, love, love the crappy tattoo idea, but just the kids I think.
It doesn’t have to be permanent, but a tattoo would be fun! Or maybe change your hair or color of your dress :).
The only problem with a “Crappy Family” tattoo is, what if you have another baby? Then you’ll have to get him/her added on later.
She could get a Crappy Family static sticker for her car. If you do, I suggest adding your website to it.
Great idea! Like the stick figure ones… only Crappy Family!
Again, great idea!
Yes! A tattoo of the crappy family!!!!!
Yes! Crappy family tattoo!
Oh YES a crappy tatoo. Just of the kids saying MAMA
Yes, a Crappy Family tattoo!
Or, you could just spoil yourself with a day at the spa. Relaxation and pampering, away from the kids!
Yes, a crappy style tattoo! (Just don’t go to an actually crappy artist)
Those would make really good temporary tattoos or car decals actually. I would totally buy those. 🙂
Yes you should make crappy family decals for the car and sell them in your shop, but not because of the best seller list, just because EVERYONE would buy those!
I would totally love Crappy-style car decals for my daughter and I.
Ooh, I would totally buy those!
I think that those would be the only thing that I would allow on my car!
i totally want crappy car stickers!
LOVE the crappy picture tattoo idea! YES!
the crappy tattoo is BRILLIANT!
totally love crappy tattoo idea!
LOL, all you ink pushers. 🙂 I knew tattoo would be one of the ideas!
or perhaps just pay for a willing recipient to get a tattoo that you draw, and then you can make it as big as you want – I think some of these fans would go for it!
but not me – I’m allergic…both to pain, and to droopy old aged people tattoos
Um. Yes. THIS. A tattoo in your distinctive crappy style of your family. Possibly holding the book. (book! Book? BOOK!! You published a booook!!!) Jill’s comment (book) wins!
I am with everyone else, when (not if, when, cuz it’s only a matter of time) you get on the bestseller list – TATTOO in Crappy Pictures style. Many tattoo artists can do your exact drawing. So yeah, a Crappy family tattoo on you. AND I love the idea of getting temporary tattoos, stickers, and car decals made for selling ~ totally awesome way to make even more $$$ :”) Congrats again on the book! Awesome!!!
Yuck! Not a tattoo fan. How about a nice makeover at a spa? Massage, facial, mani, pedi and a new outfit.
It will get on the bestseller list because you are awesomely hilarious and we all love you!
id say write another book!!!
yes i agree!!!! b/c i finished & i desire more “crap” 🙂 i’m officially a “crap addict” as i just can’t enough…
I think you should eat three pints of ice cream and drink a bottle of wine. I’ll allow you to pick the flavors and type of wine.
Ohhh – I second wine & ice cream!
Wine and ice cream *then* get the Crappy tattoo!
YES!!!
That would be the correct order, yes.
there is also wine infused icecream that is magically still alcoholic mmmm
lmfao … SOOOO true!!!
I haven’t seen the wine infused ice cream, but I make an AWESOME milkshake with blueberry wine and vanilla ice cream. Adult milkshakes definitely the way to go for celebrating!
I pre-ordered and it is supposed to be delivered today! I’m stalking the tracking status online – I hope its waiting for me at home when I get off work!
Ummmmm, I personally would light candles & take a bubble bath! You deserve it! Good luck! I love laughing at your boys(only cause 90% of it sounds like my boys!)
Get a crappy tattoo?
Yes!!!
Do a book tour in Ireland, we <3 you here!
Oooh, nice idea! But not only Ireland (although it’s lovely there!) – how about a book tour throughout Europe? At least – besides Ireland – France (where I live) and Germany (where I come from), please?
I preordered from Amazon over here but don’t have any news yet… Oh and thanks for this blog by the way, I love it!!
And Australia! Come to Australia, you can stay at my house and we can drink wine and eat icecream and cheese and … and … I dunno what else but it would be great inspiration for some crappy pictures. You can draw kangaroos and emus and echidnas and stuff.
Scotland too! I know you have a load of fans this way too. 😀
The heart of north america, Winnipeg Canada….and maybe tour some rural towns 😛 Namely the central part of Manitoba 😛 It’s not THAT cold….maybe you can go on a snowmobile ride and you can crappify your experience 😀
GInger – it’s Manitoba, she doesn’t have to Crappify it … it’ll do that on its own 😛 lol jk jk
Totally do a tour though and add Canada, especially Calgary, Alberta!!!
Thailand too! You can stay with me since we’re best friends in my head.
And South Africa, Cape Town! It’s gorgeous here and I would rally the Mum’s and we would greet you at the airport like the true celebrity that you are…. and take you along all the wine routes because wine is our staple diet over here! Wine, wine, wine….. mmmmm…. you can get ice-cream here too, and tattoo’s?!
Ooooh yes! Come to France! And have the book translated, so my girlfriends will stop thinking I’m crazy when I laugh hysterically at Crappy Pictures!!
I’d also like to hear more about that poop monster…
Come to France!!
Since you are already headed to all these places, why not add India to your list? 🙂 i’m still here for a few more months. Oh, and it’s summer here right now. Warm weather might be enticing.
Yes we do love you in Ireland c’mon you must have some irish roots you could discover tooo….about to order book lovin it you have brightened many a hard day
Hawaii was still missing from that list. Come to Hawaii, with crappy family or not, up to you. I’ll take you surfing and you can crappify that experience, or not, totally up to you too!
And I’m really serious, like for real!!!!
Mine shipped today!
Hmmmm, let me think of something good. I think you should go out and get so drunk that you dance on the tables in your purple dress. Then draw it for us.
I did that last week!
Yes, but did you draw it?
As did mine! I’m *SO* excited <–read in Agnes' It's *SO* fluffy! voice from Despicable Me.
You have pretty long hair, right? Maybe if **when** your book hits the best seller list, you should chop it all off and donate it.
OOoh, that’s a really cool way to share the good fortune. I love the idea. Do I get a vote because I bought a book (or three)?
I am about to lop off my waist-length hair and donate it to some charity that takes partially gray (but not dyed!) hair. I’d love to see the donation Crappified!
That would work better if she had more than two hairs! Haha!
LOL…true
I’m middle-aged and Locks of Love accepted my donated hair twice so far. So I guess age is not a barrier. (Had to cut it off for brain surgery. Grows fast so it’s waist-length again.) I vote for Amber donating her hair to a charity, and making crappy family car stickers that we can buy.
Congrats on the book, Amber! You must be thrilled! (Was distracted this week because my first-ever grandchild was born!) Hooray for both!
That is true. They’ll say, “Is that all? We can’t even make a Barbie wig with this.”
If you chop your hair, I’ll chop MINE and donate it too…I have super thick, (and pretty long) hair. We could start a revolution or something. I LOVE your blog. Thanks for making the miserable things about motherhood funny and normal for mamas like me who have been worried that I’m the only one dealing with this crap. I WILL buy your book sometime this week. 🙂
I actually had a dream about chopping my hair off last night! I do cut it and donate it about every three years and I’m about due again…
I chop & donate every few years, too, and mine’s getting absurdly long. Maybe we should all take the plunge already?
You could go to one of those absurdly expensive salons & tell us about it.
Awesome! Please crappify it! I’ve got an appointment in a few weeks (yes, weeks; I had to book it that far out), and it would be so great to give the cause some colorful ink on your blog. Plus, less hair, less time spent drawing (because those two strands are clearly a challenge to properly depict). And it would be amazing to see how many of your devoted readers (who, frankly, don’t have enough time to “do” their hair anyway) decide to land a strand!
er, that would be *lend* a strand (so much for my attempt to be punny)…
Have another crappy baby to ‘keep the show fresh’
Otherwise known as the ‘sitcom 3rd’
Brilliant idea! 9 months of pregnancy, labour, and a lifetime of parenting – why didn’t I think of that… 🙂
Well, if she does several of the suggestions, this may just happen! Tropical vacation, champagne….just sayin.
hahahaha! You really made me laugh with that, Melissa. 😀
Truth.
I totally second this idea! It’s for your career! 😉
Since its for your career, the baby would really be a tax deduction!
Can’t wait for the book…just ordered 4: 1 for me, 1 for a pregnant friend and 2 for pregnant massage clients!
So can I tax deduct my current kids? I gotta go call my accountant. 😉
LMFAO …. so THAT’s the real reason people have kids eh 😉 lol
Yep, this. Crappy Girl Baby must make her debut. Or Another Crappy Baby if it’s a boy.
Just bought it on my Kindle Fire and I can’t wait to dig in! I SHOULD be doing housework while my toddler sleeps but I think reading your book sounds like WAY more fun AND I have a whole other day tomorrow to work on the house 🙂 (Although I will probably scramble the last hour before husband gets home so that it looks like I accomplished something)
spraying down the counter with Fantastic and then putting away the by-the-door shoe pile are 2 quick fixes that make it look like you did more than read during naps 😉
I’ll support Crappy Boy. Disneyland it is! Or better… Disney World! I plan trips there for friends and family and pride myself on being a bit of an expert. I’ll totally plan your trip for free and love every moment of doing so. 🙂
I’ll also suggest you splurge on something awesome for yourself, such as a great Coach bag or a pair of Jimmy Chu shoes.
Alcohol is also ALWAYS a good choice!
Can’t wait for my copy to arrive from Amazon. And my awesome signed book plate!
That was supposed to be a heart by the way; a maths sign and the number 3 don’t look quite as adoring…
Aaah, now I get it. I’ve seen that little sign here and there and couldn’t work out what it was supposed to be. My top two guesses were ice cream, and some sort of insult about the size of the reader’s backside.
LOL
I am from Northern Ontario, Canada (our snow is melting yes) lol
My parents winter in Florida as do most of our country who are 50+. Anyway I had her go to the store and grab it for me!! Very excited to get it in a week!!!! Will most definitely post review!
I’m in Canada too … and was happy to see I could order it online from Indigo … and free shipping if you send it to your local store. Just placed my order, yay!
You should definitely come to Phoenix. The weather is beautiful, lots of fun things to do, and I could come get my book signed by you! Yeah! (The stupid mailman hasn’t come yet….I am going to go outside and wait.) Congratulations on your book….we all know it will be a bestseller!
The weather is beautiful in Phoenix during the winter and spring. I don’t think she would like being here in the summer very much.
On page 12 you said it was your kind-of dream to be writing about getting peace in the bathroom and hoping someone would actually be reading it IN the bathroom doing that same thing, I got up and went into the bathroom and re-read that sentence for you. Dream come true. You’re welcome. lol.
I think you should write another book! and go to Disneyland! that would be fun.
Yay!
I’m worried for you Amber as if there are only 3 suggestions and you promised to do 3 you’ll be obliged to have a tatoo and cut your hair off, having first consumed all the champagne wine and icecream.
So must come up with more suggestions – maybe put in a new bathroom, that is soundproofed with a secure lock, and has a ‘crappy kid’s’ robo entertainement securisation unit on the outside, where you can strap in those 2 gorgeous terrors of yours, into sort of roller coaster type seats, then play some sort of DVD which would be very educational to assuage the guilt, but totally ‘baby crack’ type stuff that will keep them happy for the 15… 20 minute, hell why not, 1 hour shit and bath and hairwash that you never get.
(hmm, that reminds me, my slummy mummy status is getting rather bad as I’ve been putting off washing my hair as husband is away at a conference, and I’m doing long hours getting everything ready for my solo show, but I really should as its starting to get really itchy, ewww. But I’ve know idea where I, or the 2 boys, have lost my hairdryer, so can’t wash at nightime and I’m just incapable of waking up before 7am in the morning to do it before I have to start morning hell routine – any ideas? maybe I’ll have to cut and donate it to?)
have another baby, go on, you know you want to…
I’m going out tonight or tomorrow to grab your book and the other you meantioned, ‘I just want to pee alone’ I believe it was. Congrats!
I think you should take a Disney cruise (if you go in two years I may see you there.) and/ or throw a huge party and somehow have it benefit a charity as well.
Just don’t go Carnival. Or do, if you go by yourself and want some “away from the kids” time. They’re pretty much guaranteed to get you stuck at sea these days.
Congratulations!
If you get on the best-seller list, I think you should do something to help diffuse the mommy wars. Women need to support each other, not judge one another, and I think an awesome way to do that is through humor and introspection – two things you do best! Rather abstract I know. But just a thought 😉
I’ve been thinking about tackling that topic actually. I even have the post title picked out.
Where is the “like” button?
like.LIKE.like
You should write a book about that, all crappy style, would totally buy it for some people I know. I’m so tired NOT fighting a war that one particular mommy I know tries to fight everytime we talk about kids. It seems to aggrevate her when I ignore her, so I do just that [evil grin] But she will probably not get it, so it would be a waste to gift her such book. But I’ll buy it and gift it to all the other mommies who also know her, they’ll defo enjoy it 🙂
Yes!!!!!
Have another baby, so you don’t run out of blog fodder! I’ve always thought this blog could benefit from a Crappy Girl!
YES! The first blog I ever read of yours was the Penis Pizza one. Made me laugh SO hard! My toddler likes to sing the Vagina Song during bath time, so I loved that your boys were doing their version.
Totally agree that an addition to the crappy fam would be a good suggestion!
You should buy something for yourself. Screw Disneyland and “family” stuff because I’m sure you’ll do that anyway like you said. Do something for you, whatever you fancy. For me it would be Tieks, I’ve always wanted a pair of them. I think they come in purple! 😉
I vote you pick one lucky reader (me) and go visit that lucky reader (me) and go do something fun with them (me) and their (my) kids and then write an entry about said outing with their (my) kids.
Better make that two lucky readers, because she needs to come visit me as well. 😀
great idea!
Fabulous idea!
LOL
I would say this, too, however I have a crappy boy and a crappy baby myself, and things would be so similar to what I see on your blog that it would not make much difference. Although, we have no cats, two dogs, my dad currently lives with us, we are in the Army, AND we have a crappy baby GIRL on the way. I agree with the earlier comment of another baby. 🙂
Try some type of “exotic,” aka “disgusting/creepy” food. Like, roasted scorpions, or grasshoppers…. I saw that on a commercial at some point. You’ll totally get cool points from the kids, too.
Just as long as it’s not a “spider guy”!
http://crappypictures.com/gifts-from-my-children/
I dig the exotic food idea. No spiders like Dawn said though.
Or combine two of the choices. Visit one of your readers who lives at an exotic foreign location (of course I mean me) and sample the local cuisine. And by local cuisine, I mean totally scary, write a blog about it, type of experience that might possibly get your next book on the best-seller list as well. I’m really only thinking of your livelihood and financial security here. 😉
lol.. then you’ll have to come and visit (me) in South Africa. You can eat some Mopani worms.. hey I’ll even prepare them for you, not that I know how, or have ever eaten them, but I’m a fast learner.. 😉
have had the book pre-ordered for a week. was so happy to load it this morning on my nook. i’ve laughed my butt off all morning!
So I asked my fiance` expecting him to have some fantastically wild idea, but instead his suggestion was to donate a percentage of proceeds to a charity…perhaps one that would benefit parents/children. After he made that suggestion, I felt like I bad person for asking for less serious ideas, but I will think about asking him again later 😉
If you get on a bestseller list please write another book!
Fhanksor the reminder! Just bought it off amazon and it’ll be here Thursday! Omg I’m soooo excited!
I just bought your book for my NOOK…really, so affordable! I can’t wait to tear into it when I get home. I think you should post another “video” clip of you guys celebrating crappy style!
BTW finished the book last night and LMAO! I can’t look at Pizza w/out thinking Penis…
I’d love to see you illustrate your birth stories. So there’s an idea for you.
Yes – or that before and after (kids) idea would be good too. Doesn’t have to be the vagina – just about everything in our bodies is different after kids…
I love birth stories – I think you would be able to make some really interesting pictures of birth stories, with or without the purple dress!
Or you could do a post on “competitive birthing” – you know how women always tell each other birth stories and each story is more gory than the last? If I buy your book, will you do me a post like that? Please?
Oh never mind, I’m going to buy your book anyway, you know I am!
She has a whole thing on her body before and after kids in her book!!!
No birth stories though, I’d love to hear those!
Well… i’m not sure what you should do if you make the list… hmmm… you should take a family photo and illustrate the background and so on into it when you “scan it” to computer to post here…. i know silly idea. Anyways so happy for you about the book my husband and i love to read your blog and giggle about it… we laughed and joked a lot about “the window” recently too LOL. I think you have nothing to worry about and that a lot of people will love this book.
Hmm, confront a fear – something you’re afraid of and just meet it head on.
Someone upthread suggested I eat a spider. That would take care of two suggestions!
My boys said to “have a birthday!” and “eat cotton candy and sushi!” So there ya go! Yum!
If your book makes bestseller list you have a Plushy (stuffed animal) version of the Poop Monster produced to sell in your shop.
Nice!
I would totally buy that. I showed the Poop Monster promo to my husband and he thought it was hilarious. My son would love a Poop Monster plushie. He is four, and thinks poop is very funny.
Well, poop *is* pretty funny!
I love it!
I’m also in favor of making a plushy! It could be a crappy dog toy!
Have a crappy contest to select your coolest and most crappy reader and take her and yourself on an all-inclusive, fully relaxing mom-cation. I, of course, will humbly volunteer.
I think you should dye your hair purple.
You should go on vacation WITHOUT the kids, drink champagne & cut your hair! Double dog dare!!
Today is one of the most exciting days!!! I am so ready to download my copy to my nook!!!! Congratulations!! And go to Disneyland…without the kids!!
When you make best sellers list … send me $5 to go towards my sons game he’s been saving up for. LOL
We love you all by the way…. My son even likes me to read your blog to him (I pick which ones of course, sometimes changing a few words.) 😉
I LOVE Disney so I say take the kids to Disney. 🙂
I think your next project should be a Crappy Year Calendar, complete with stickers to appropriately denote the crappy days along the way. Remember to include the poop monster and stickers to commemorate days when you actually got to pee alone. Then share them with your devoted readers who got you onto the best seller list by giving some of them away as prizes.
I think any parent can agree that a year of crappy will make you happy! 🙂
A Crappy Calendar is a brilliant idea!
YES. A Crappy Calendar. I would TOTALLY buy that.
Yes! A Crappy Calendar!
i totally want a crappy calendar!
I want a crappy calendar! Great idea.
I’d totally buy that! And stickers make everything better, don’t they?
YES! I want a crappy calendar with “I got to pee alone” stickers! And I would also buy one for every parent I know!
Love this!
Oh please please please make it a Crappy Family Planner…. cause you cant fit all the crap on just a calendar
Yes! Crappy family planner!!
Oh my gosh yes, you should do this no matter what! I’d buy it every year – one for me, one for each of my kids who are parents, one for each of my fellow grandparents… That’s 8 so far (no, actually 9, I’d get one for my ex too) Wait, my mom would love it, too! So I’d buy at least 10 Crappy Calendars every year, how’s that for guaranteed sales?
Love it! What an awesome idea.
yes yes yes
Having just revisited an early post of yours (“What it is like to [not] sleep at night”), I laughed at how Crappy your early drawings were (I capitalized Crappy in an attempt to let you know that I don’t really think they’re crappy, but Crappy, in your sense of the word. Which makes no sense to anyone but me, I’m thinking….Anyway, no disrespect to crappiness).
I’m going to suggest something wild and crazy, should your book reach bestseller status. Which of course it will. You should (wait for it………) Change your clothes. No not your REAL clothes, but your purple dress. And crappy boy and baby get a wardrobe change too. And papa, of course.
Hey, I’ve got 2 little kids too. Sometimes fresh clothes is as exciting as anything 🙂
love this!
Great idea!
Nooooo…..I love papas white pants!!!
New clothes and a new name for the baby. He’s not a baby anymore.
I originally read it as poop a balloon with your bare hands, which is brilliant on the part of crappy baby, and made me snort. Then I read your disclaimers (my favorite part of your posts!) and realized it was pop. Now I’m sad. ;o)
I’m so glad he didn’t suggest pooping a balloon. Although now I’m surprised he didn’t.
I think that instead of popping a balloon with your bare hands, you should pop it with your (nearly) bare butt.
Exactly! It made perfect sense to me as poop and I don’t know if that reflects on crappy baby or me? :o)
(Can I just say I’m geeking out that a *published* author saw and responded to my post?)
I got mine here in Georgia! Yippee, yippee! I must remember to not jump up and down with joy like that again…after three pregnancies, that is not a good thing to do to keep dry pants!
I was giddy when I saw the UPS guy this afternoon, I said “OOOH! I bet that’s my Crappy book!!!” My family looked at me like I was nuts, my hubby said “I am not even gonna ask….” 🙂
I was going to buy your book this weekend and low and behold, UPS brought me a copy in the mail as a late birthday present from my crappy friend (my friend being the one who intoduced me to crappy pictures)!!! I was Soooo excited I hopped around the kitchen clutching the book to my chest…then had to explain to my child what I was doing – that sometimes books are going to be so good we do a happy dance when we get them 🙂
Please please please make it available in the Australian iBooks store soon! Please! Your a total crack up. 🙂
Ha! Crappy style tattoo. Yay!
I totally agree with the Crappy Family tattoo idea! But in addition to that, I think you should GO ON TOUR SO WE CAN MEET YOU! And pretty pretty please come somewhere close to Indianapolis so I can meet you!
I think you should go to the beach and bury yourself in the sand and have a drink with an umbrella in it. Did you once say you wanted that? 🙂
First off Congratulations!! It is a kind of a big deal no 🙂
When you make it to the top(which you will), I’d love to see you do a post with all of you but wait no hand-drawn pictures, like actual pictures of you guys in the pose and expression that you would draw.
P.S. Ive been following your blog from the first crappy post, voted for you and all but commenting for the first time… Lazy busy you see 😉
I think you should go on a book tour! Come to Texas and host a crappy mommy party.
Yes, do a book tour, and come to Phoenix, and sign my book! 🙂
Treat yourself and the kids to a trip to NZ. Loads to do down here 🙂 Loads more than Disneyland 🙂
That get’s my vote! I’d love to see you in NZ, and perhaps you could draw some crappy pictures of my crappy city: Christchurch – which is looking kinda crappy right now…
Bob
Great idea 🙂
Make another crappy video with your kids! Make it a good one…and long!
Have crappy boy design design a “bestseller” bookmark with your autograph and then ship them to random readers who leave comments on your blog!! Like……ME!!!!
Hoping my book is waiting for me when I get home tonight! Can hardly wait to read it!!!
I think you should write a poop monster book all about poop with crappy illustrations. My 5 year old would totally read it over and over and recommend it to all his friends. We just read “Poopendous” from the library and it was a hit. There need to be more poop books for preschoolers out there 🙂
Also I think if you make the best seller list you should give away a bunch of copies of your book to people or maybe to libraries. I can’t afford to buy it (hubby just lost his job) but I’d love to check it out from a library!
Good luck – judging by your popularity on here I think you have an excellent shot at making the bestseller list for real!!
Get a hot tub! Then drink wine and eat ice cream IN your hot tub all at the same time.
Wow, you really “get” me! 🙂
I am sorry, but the vagina drawing thing just cracked me up! I think you should get a purple jogging suit and go repelling…somewhere amazing!
Mostly I think you should look in the mirror and tell yourself you did a great job. Remember all the hard work, mock those who were critical or cruel and then smile! Congrats!
There’s no “If” here – your book will absolutely be on the best seller list for all the right reasons. Because you’re GOOD, because you’re clever, and because your fan base freaking adores you (see 1 and 2.) You speak for all of us in a way that we cannot speak for ourselves and it brings us great joy and a sense if belonging that is priceless. You deserve all the good things you will no doubt receive.
I would be buying your book today were I not flat flipping broke. New job starts tomorrow though, so things are looking up for me, too. Unemployed and pregnant has given me lots of time to catch up on all the Crappy posts I’d missed. Now I’ll be falling behind again, but that’s okay because it means I’ll have marathon reading sessions in the near future AND I can buy your book!
Crappy Tattoo? Crappy Vacation for One (or Two…maybe Crappy Papa deserves a break too?) Crappy Trip to the Fabulous Florida Keys (plug for my peeps, there…) Do something that makes YOU happy as a celebration – whatever that is.
Even if you don’t make the bestseller list. Have your hubby take a day or two off of work, mid week, you too. Hang out, go to your favorite kids museum, do the thing that makes your family yours at this moment in time. Know this moment will pass and people will grow and change. But at this moment, at a time of great accomplishment, this moment is yours to live and love and celebrate the life you have. Cheers. Congratulations my friend, well done.
Oh please, oh please come on a book tour to Chicago, my girlfriends and I would love to have you up here, we’re in a “book club” and we’re all reading your book! “Book club” is a loose term, we really just gab and drink wine.
It will be on the best seller list! Definitely! My copy is sitting at home as we speak, and I am stuck at work, on call. Very sad. 😉
I think that you should make Crappy Picture Decals for the car. You know, like how people have their family in stick figures on the back window of their minivans. I LOVE to have all of us in Crappy Pictures on the back of my car. I know it’s probably not exactly the type of answer you were looking for, but I think it’s a good idea. Don’t you think so everyone?????
Thanks for all the laughs.
P.S. I think the temporary tattoo is a great idea too. And as funny as the Crappy pre and post birth vagina pictures would be, I think you would get banned from the internet! LOL!!!!!
I got my notice from Amazon that my copy was shipped today!!! So excited!!! Any you MUST bring the boys to Disney & bowling if you make the best sellers list!
Congrats on your first book. I got it today and also got one for a friend of mine you showed me your blog. I started to read it and can’t put it down. Can’t wait for some down time to finish the book (that will never happen, but I can wish, since I have a boy that is just like your boys).
I think you should go away on a nice vacation with just you and your girlfriends. Heck I want to come. No kids. Then do wine, cheese, tattoo, and whatever else pops in your head.
Donate to a women’s crisis center!
Like one of your friends suggested, book a room(suite?) in a really nice hotel for just you for at least 2 whole days! You could invite Crappy Papa, but not mandatory. Sleep in, read lots, take baths, eat chocolate without having to sneak it,watch bad TV and/or good movies, order room service etc. all without being interrupted! That’s what I would do and it would be almost as good if I knew at least one Mom out there is doing something like that for herself.
Congratulations in your book! I pre-ordered 3 books one for myself and one for each of my 2 great Mommy friends who keep me sane by watching my kids so I can go for a run and let me rant to them when it seems my life is spinning out of control.
Pee undisturbed 🙂
I think she should build an airlock for the bathroom door – totally soundproofed – so Amber can finally go potty and shower ALONE. Personally, I am moving to an apartment in my backyard, so I can potty without the daycare kids watching me.
If you get on the best seller list, you should pick one lucky reader and make a Crappy-fied picture of his/her family for them to frame and hang in her/his living room.
Also, my son loves your pictures and is trying to illustrate my blog. Thanks for inspiring him. This one’s my favorite because he’s trying to be educational:
http://www.momintwocultures.com/2013/03/what-sky-wants-you-to-know-about-asd.html
Oh, and I’d actually like to be the winner chosen to go with you on the mom’s only trip someone suggested above.
But this one’s my favorite because the illustrations are AWESOME:
http://www.momintwocultures.com/2013/02/sometimes-these-posts-just-write.html
I second the crappy-fied picture idea!!
Much better than getting a crappy tattoo or pooping out a balloon.
get a crappy picture shaved onto your husband’s head.
congrats on the book release!
We’re on Spring break and I’m so mad I scheduled a trip when your book arrives!! :O. Can’t wait to get started!!
Ohhhhh, I like all the ideas so far – especially getting a tattoo of crappy family while eating champagne flavored ice-cream in a candlelit bubble bath while at disneyland. And to conclude the celebrations – definitely make another crappy baby to provide more fodder for your blog!
My serious suggestion is though, treat yourself to a holiday in the swiss alps in our chalet. You can bring the whole crappy family if you like cause our kids are roughly the same age and will get along fine…
oh but this should be a holiday, right?
well then, just bring crappy husband and a couple of bottles of champagne!
p.s. yes – we do live in switzerland, but I’m Australian!
yes – I have been faithfully following your blog for a couple of years now
yes – your book will be ordered as soon as I figure out who ships to Switzerland!
and yes, I’m serious about the holiday offer but can’t sponsor the flight… I’m sure your publishers should be able to organize that bit if it’s a best seller..
p.p.s. writing another book as a celebration would suck
p.p.p.s you don’t need to make another baby just to please your fans right?! you can just practice.. that’s fun too… if you can find a window and make it quick!
LOL… was trying to figure out why she’d want to practice baby making in front of a window…. then i went ohhhhh that kind of window. I’m an aussie and would love to come to your chalet with the fam…. please please pretty please
I’ll bring you a copy of the book as a thank you gift…. they ship to Oz
Get a (paid) job. Maybe just one day a week. Then crappify the experience. Those of use juggling job/kids will love you for it!
Love it! Crappify the work experience!
1. Create an official crappy book fan club!
2. Donate your book to some sort of non-crappy mom/parent support group?
3. The date it makes the best seller list,go to the closest hospital pass out books to all the moms of babies born that day (would have been a great read during my first post-partum days)!
4. Combine some suggestions into 1 – Eat a pint of ice cream AND drink a bottle of wine while on a disney land ride? 😉
Ooooh, I love the passing out of books to moms who delivered that day! Great idea!
Congratulations!
Mine says it shipped today, wish it had been sent earlier like some of the people who pre-ordered, not fair 🙁 LOL
Mine, too! I don’t have it yet — boo!
You had to pay extra to get it delivered on the release day.
Probably buy dressers for every room and stock pile them with pants to ensure the kids are always clothed when paparazzi are snapping pics through your window or hire a nanny to distract the kids during those quickies. 😉
Some other items you can do for a follow up is a poop-monster pillowpet and sippy cup. Maybe you could hit these guys up for a pillow prototype – http://www.childsown.com/ – I bet you would have major winners with the male toddler market. Well…and 2 of my female tomboy near-tweens.
Oh, I love the idea of Crappy family in Disneyland, riding the crappy rides and meeting crappy cartoon characters. Book #2! Check with your crappy accountant; maybe you can even write it off.
Go to a park or play gym type place and randomly pass out your book to all the parents there!
Hire a babysitter, dress fancy, have hubby take you out to a fancy restaurant (you know, with linen napkins, tablecloths, candles… the sort that adults go to). Dine with wine, candlelight, music. Order seconds on dessert.
If you get on the bestseller list, eat a pound of bacon.
I pre-ordered two. One for myself and one for a friend that had hernia surgery on Monday. I figured it would be enjoyable for her while she lounges around the house recovering. Oops! Didn’t think that one through. She’s been laughing so hard it hurts. She can only read a couple pages at a time before she has to take a rest. 🙂
I will be ordering two or three on Friday!!
Sponsor a “CrappyCruise” where all of the crappy people and their crappy kids can get together with you and your crappy family family and be crap-happy together! You can draw crappy pix of everyone as souvenirs and show off your crappy tattoo in your bathing suit while drinking champagne. If it happens to be a Disney ship, you’ve covered every crappy item!
Not a suggestion, just super excited to say: I pre-ordered your book, and it arrived at my local PO today! I should have the book by 11:00 tomorrow morning!!! YAY!!!
Make slide shows with your pictures and post the videos to YouTube. Episode 1: Farkles the Unicorn (I want to see the sparkles flying out).
Congratulations Amber. It is a big deal and I can’t wait for my copy to arrive. The only thing to do, is to drink champagne with Crappy Papa and take those boys to crappy Disneyland and then draw and blog all about it for us. – If Disneyland doesn’t cut it for you, I’m loving a book tour idea. You could travel Australia. We’d love to have you and I know there are loads of fans who could help accomodate you and your crappy family. xx
So excited to get your book today!!! (waiting waiting) So many congratulations!!! I have no advice on what to do, just excited for you! Have fun!
Just bought it for my Kindle! So excited to get home and start reading it!
I think you should pick 5 (10?) people who commented on this post to draw a crappy picture of their family. Like, if I were picked (hint, hint, nudge, nudge), I would send you a picture of my family, and you would draw a crappy picture of us and mail it with your autograph. That would be crap-tastic!
Dang, I thought I was being all original with this idea. O well, great minds think alike. Can’t wait to read this book!
I want a crappy picture of my family! Including with my crappy girl wearing her diva sunglasses, that would look hilarious!
I got your book today and started reading it — you guessed where — in the bathroom. I laughed out loud when I got to the part where you say you hope someone reads this line in the bathroom. Win!
If you make the best seller list, you should send out thank-you stickers (like the bookplates) with an exclusive new image to 500 random readers. (You know, people who bought the book and contributed to its success by getting it!)
Yay! Win!
I pre ordered but it hasn’t shipped yet. Poop monster part #2 would be funny.
DONE! BOUGHT! SHARED! LOVE YOU!
I received your book in the mail as a surprise belated birthday gift from my best friend. I’m so excited to read it!!! If your book gets to top seller list, go to Vegas (and eat at our favorite sushi restaurant!!!). That’s what I’d do!!!
What is your favorite Vegas sushi place? Our favorite Thai restaurant is in Vegas. (Lotus of Siam, droooool.)
Perhaps you could paint a fake window on the wall…my husband has been talking about windows all weekend since The windows post…Please don’t get a tattoo, they are awfull…I can’t wait for my copy to arrive….
My first thought is that you write another book 🙂 !! When I put myself in your place, I would want to go on a shopping spree (but that is what I enjoy….and I usually buy more for others than I do for myself. Hey, I am a mom LOL). I also think a nice dinner or spa day would be nice too. Top of my list, though, is that you hire a sky writer, rent a blimp or billboard to announce it….the blimp could be cool if you can ride in it :). Good luck and I hope to pick up a copy this weekend or online next week!!
Have a drawing for a drawing. For example “Five lucky winners will receive a crappy portrait of their family!” or shave your head, that would be interesting too.
I love that idea!!!
Love this idea!
Got your book from Kobo last night at exactly midnight and stayed up until I finished it!! It was AWESOME!!!! 😀 Way to go Amber!!!
I can’t wait to get my book! I preordered on Amazon which says it won’t be delivered until 5/10 because I preordered The Honest Toddler’s book at the same time. 5/10 is THT’s release date. I’ll give Amazon a couple days to see if they get it together before I check on them about getting your book to me sooner.
I think you should let your husband plan a night out and all the details that go with it including babysitting arrangements for the kids. Take the day to pamper yourself and celebrate a night out with your husband. You deserve it after all the work you’ve put into this project!
There are probably several comments just like the one I’m about to write, but I got my book in the mail today and because I’m on spring break I was home to receive it. I decided I’d read it later after getting some work done. Then I decided I’d just read a little bit of it and get back to work. To see what it was like. Well you see where this is going…I read the whole book already. It was a lot of fun! I’m sure it will be great to re-read many times.
If your makes a bestseller list you should take the family to Disneyland AND write a second book called Crappy Family at Disneyland.
Hahaha so cute! “wait. will you take us?”
Can’t wait to get home, hopefully your book was delivered! And I totally want to see a Crappy drawing of your vag before and after kids-only so I can prepare myself!!
You should make the word Crappy a registered trademark 🙂
Now there’s a winner! Trademark!
I think you should launch a line of Crappy family temporary tattoos to sell at your store, regardless of your book’s success (and we know it will be a huge success). You could do those family car stickers too.
WHEN (not if) your book hits the best seller list, you should visit MN 🙂 You can come in the summer and go water-skying and/or wake-boarding and post about it later.
Another option: when your book hits the best seller list, you send the kids away for the evening and night and have a night of passion with Crappy Papa; windows wide open all over the place! Make sure the kids leave early enough to give you time to do something before you fall asleep. Challenge each other to have sex at least twice in that time period (maybe three times?)
I just took your book out of the amazon box. Congratulations!!!
Make another crappy video!
i think you should definitely get a tattoo of at least ONE of your crappy illustrated family members! nothing massive… just like an inch or two big on somewhere inconspicuous..! tattoos don’t hurt half as much as pushing a baby out ur vagina…! i have one on my foot! seeings as i’m in australia-tasmania… my book won’t be here till the 5th of April but i’m still excited and its all over the calender telling everyone of its arrival..! 😀
Since more than one person said they’d like a crappy drawing of their family, I think if you make the best seller list, you should make an automated thing on your site where people can make their own crappy drawings of their family. It could be like this stick figure family generator: http://www.freeflashtoys.com/stick-figure-family
But instead of stick figures, it would be CRAPPY figures!! 🙂
I don’t mean stickers (honestly, I’m not one to put any stickers on my car), just a customized image that can be used elsewhere or downloaded.
Or, you could give copies or your book, or some other fabulous prizes from your store. 🙂
By the way, please don’t “draw crappy pictures of your vagina before and after kids.” Pretty please.
Buy two bras that fit.
Yes, I’ve been reading you a long time. 🙂
LOL 🙂
I’ve finally ordered your book. It should be here in 1 week. Can’t wait!
A long week end for 2: either with Crappy papa or with non-crappy bff.
Crappy Family crazy dancing in joyous celebration (I had to give you easy option so a tattoo did not end up having to be in your top 5 lol)
Farkles! Bring out the sparkle pooing Unicorn to life or make it a toy for all kids to buy! 🙂 I would totally buy it! 😉
Brilliant! I want one too.
I’d get at least 1 of those!
Well, after reading every single entry on your blog I had your book shipped over to the Netherlands just now (where I live). So that’s my two cents for getting you a bestseller (actually, it was a bit more than two cents, but hey, can’t put a price on good fun). Thank you for many a laugh, Amber, and looking forward to countless more.
Please make Crappy Bumper stickers!!!! I want one (at least one) and I DON’T do bumper stickers! 🙂
Does the book have new material in it or is it just your blog posts?
The estimate I’ve read is that it’s about 30% classic blog posts and 70% all-new material
I’m with your kids–I’d be going to Disney World! But before you do, a nice long soak in the tub with some Ben & Jerry’s is a nice reward. 🙂
I think you should build yourself a second bathroom.
I also like the calendar and drawing for a drawing ideas!!
I would like to see your purple dress get a make-over for an entire month of posts. That way, they’d almost become like “limited edition” posts, in celebration!
Oh and champagne – but for champagne’s sake. You don’t need to be celebrating for champagne…
Or I’d like you to launch your own range of Crappy Toys like they do here: http://www.childsown.com/
WOOOOOO!!! I got my copy today in the mail, thanks to my Sister In Law who appreciates your humor and insight as much as I.
I’ve already nearly peed my pants twice, and I’m only on page 5. The kids keep asking me “what’s so funny”. I hand the book to them so they can see the pictures when I realize <>>. I snatch it back and tell them it’s mommy stuff.
To celebrate when you hit the bestseller list, you should have someone make the clothes you draw in your pictures, pose your family in them, take a picture. OK, not a huge celebratory thing but I think it’d be fitting.
Whoops, guess I stumbled across an HTML thing…. my thought was, “oh-oh, my 5 1/2 year old can now read!!!!”
I just love your blog. I can’t wait to read your book. I think you should color your hair pink to celebrate. Or at least a couple of streaks!
Oh great idea! Purple streak hair extensions…LOVE THIS!
I just got your Crappy book today! I can’t wait to read it! And I love the tattoo idea!!
If you asked my toddler, it would probably involve a chainsaw, backhoe and dump truck. Because anything involving the 3 of those can’t possibly fail to be interesting. 🙂
Vegas, baby. Vegas.
I got an email from Amazon saying they’re on their way but are going to be about 2 weeks!! I ordered 3 copies as I am going to give 2 away as gifts but I can’t wait 2 weeks. Not when I know everyone above is already reading theirs!!
And I’d celebrate the bestseller list with a spa day. Not particularly hilarious but as much fun as popping a balloon with your bare hands. My 4 year old suggests doing the ‘hot dog dance’ from Mickey Mouse Club House. x
You could always have another baby! 😉 Or go skydiving or go drink wine in a hot air balloon!
Ummm, come to Canada on a big book tour and I can hear your crappy stories in person!
Commit to 10 semi-big random acts of kindness! 5 in your community and 5 elsewhere.
Anything but the before and after vagina drawing thing. Some things should just remain unknown.
Your book just arrived a few minutes ago. Yay! I’m looking forward to bedtime so I can start reading it!
If you make it on the best seller list I think you should have another baby, so you have even more blog/book material! (Clearly I only have one kid so far and have no idea how hard it is to add another person into the mix) Seriously though I think a vacation would be a great way to celebrate. And not one of those vacations where you come back more tired than when you left, take a few days off after the vacation for vacation recovery.
Bought it!!
I’m sitting here sobbing because my UK pre-order is showing an estimated delivery date of 22 May :’-(
So when you get on the best seller list, you should ship (or hand carry, whichever is most fun) copies to the UK so we can join in the Crappy-fest.
I think you should pick 5 people who bought your book and illustrate a story of their choosing for them, a la the crappy contest. Mine will be here Friday!
I say, WHEN you make the best sellers list, you buy those expensive sandals you mentioned that you loved many many posts ago!
My copy of your book arrived a couple hours ago in the mail from Amazon and my bookmark is already at about 2/3 of the way through. So funny! But I didn’t dare read it in the bathroom so the kids all crawled on me and looked at the crappy pictures with me. I did not read aloud. I don’t want to give them ideas, since they already have enough of their own 😉
If it goes bestseller, I think you should give that hilarious family of yours a hug because without them the book wouldn’t have been possible.
Thank you…you have just sorted out my “what to get my sisters/friends for their birthday” dilemna. Books now winging their way all around the world as gifts to them all. Fly little book fly!
Totally a crappy family tattoo!
If you make the best sellers list you should get your own bobble head doll made! And give some away as a giveaway. Hell you can make bobble heads of the whole family. That would be craptastic! Congrats on your book I can’t wait to buy my copy.
I think a night out on the town is in order if you make the Bestseller’s list! I also got your book today and I can’t wait to start reading it. Congrats!
Crappy horse ride on the beach!
How about a contest? I’d love some Crappy swag! 😀
Also, I added your book to my wishlist at Amazon. I’ll have to put aside a couple of dollars here and there until I can get it, but I’m totally getting it. And I want to get it for all of my friends… and for my niece that’s pregnant. Oh how her life is about to go to he… I mean, be marvelously changed. O.o hahahaha
Came home today with a package on the doorstep. Husband what I ordered this time from amazon. I guess I forgot what day it is. When I opened it, I was really excited and started reading. (I don’t even have kids but truly enjoy your writing.) You make me laugh every time. Good luck, although I know you don’t need it. I also vote for the tattoo idea. 🙂 Or maybe you can draw a tattoo for me?
I like the idea of having a bubble bath with a glass of champagne but I would go somewhere expensive to stay that has a giant bath and do it there. You could take Crappy Pappa with you if you wanted! Oh and order room service to have in the bath and read your book all over again!
Can’t wait for my books to arrive. Ordered 3 and giving 2 to the new Mum’s in my family.
These suggestions are hilarious. I can’t top the crappy family tattoo idea. This blog is so soothing to my bad mommy nerves and I love how it makes me laugh no matter how rough my day is. I will be ordering your book and I hope you tackle another. You seem to love what you’re talented at doing. Can you write a book about Mommy time management?!!!! I seriously cannot EVER seem to get my act together!
Thanks for always bringing a smile to my face up here in Canada!
My step one in mommy time management for me would be to stop feeling the need to read every single comment on this blog!! It take up so much time, but I often wind up laughing till I cry! There are just soooooo many!!!
My copy of your book arrived today too and I’m saving it to read on the plane in a few days. That way I can laugh obnoxiously the entire trip to Virginia and annoy those seated nearest me (which will include my 13 year old daughter, so I say fair game). She actually can’t wait to read it either, so we will most likely end up fighting over it and being thrown off the plane…
If your book goes bestseller (which I think it totally will!) I think you should skydive. Not that I ever would, but then I didn’t write a book either;)
I have nothing useful to add to what you should do, but I did want to say that I just bought your book and I can’t wait to get started. I laugh so hard every time I read your stuff because my kids are right around the same age and everything is SO freaking relate-able. CAN’T WAIT until I have a few minutes to get started!
Neck tattoo? Nah. Hold open house/rodeo for all your fans? Skydive like George Bush the Elder? Cryogenically freeze a few cells for future “grow your own Crappy Mama in a test tube” home game? Get Pizza Hut to name a pizza after you?
Went to buy the book on walmart.com and the amount was $13.13 so I got superstitious and abandoned ship. (however, I still want the book, so I will buy it somewhere else!)
Also, I loved your youtube video, so a youtube crappy celebration with your kids and a pinata would be fun!
Do the hokey pokey – it is what it’s all about …
Then get the kids to join in and make an animated YouTube video celebratory dance!
go kayaking and swimming with the manatees!!!! and I can’t wait to read your book 🙂
Good grief, don’t get a tattoo, that is so permanent! Just pierce something or dye your hair or do something crazy fun like Vegas.
Go into business with Farkles and start selling unicorn fart glitter?
Um…. ^^^^ YES. And also Disneyland. And not just a DAY at the spa… a year MEMBERSHIP, so you can go once a month. That shit really makes a difference in how you look and feel. (That’s why rich people are rarely ugly.) I used to work at a place that had a spa membership as a benefit (and no I was not a stripper). It was the softest I’ve ever been…
I bet my copy of the book is waiting for me to pick up at my office tomorrow!! AAAHHH!! So excited!!
I’m thinking to celebrate being on the best sellers list you should take a trip to HAWAII!! With the family! And at some point in the trip you should relax on the beach while hubby takes the boys around to do fun things!
I think you should make a promise to post MORE crappy pictures!!
I want you to learn something new. Like how to play the guitar or piano or karate or trapeze or basket weaving. Anything!
I (selfishly) think you should illustrate the following story:
After ripping open my new package from Amazon with glee (not the one with sheet music from “Glee” – the one with your pre-ordered book), I sat down to read my new book by uber-hilarious Amber Dusick. I had some free time while 7yo took gymnastics class and I cozied into the most uncomfortable bleachers ever made.) 4yo was busy killing pigs on my phone, so I got pretty far.
As I came to a page with a lovely mama holding her angelic baby boy in a blue blanket, 4yo decided he had given me too much time to myself. He peered over my shoulder, poking into me and then to my book, and asked,
“Who’s her?” “That’s a mama,” I replied.
“Who’s that?” “That’s a baby, ” I answered.
“What’s his name?” “Crappy baby”. He loved that name. Laughed so hard he knocked my purse off the bleachers.
Then, “..is, is, is that JEsus?” “Ah, no.” Did I mention he has really poor short-term memoory?
Pointing to your eye, “What’s THAT??!” “Her eye.”
“It doesn’t look like an eye.”
We then played “What’s that?” with every part of your face. He finally concluded that I was trying to keep something from him by giving him fake names.
“She’s an ALIEN, isn’t she?”
The End (not really, it kept going and going)
I like the Disneyland idea but that is more for the kids. How about stay in a hotel with Crappy Papa and find windows??
I just got 3 chickens that lay blue eggs. You should do that.
I pre-ordred mine on Kindle, but haven’t had a chance to see if it downloaded yet. I am eager!
PS. Did you realize that you have truly “made it”? You have your own fan fiction now 🙂 (although, it really did happen)
You should make giant crappy cardboard versions of your kids and take them out in public with you, but pretend they are your real kids (who are secretly taping people’s reactions with crappy papa). Then you have to write a post about it, of course.
I also think that your poop monster video proves that you have been holding back talent and there needs to be a crappy cartoon on tv. For adults. At night. But not too late, because I am tired.
Just bought your book from book depository because I’m not residing in US! Can’t wait to receive it!!!! 😀
Btw, you should totally bring the kids to disneyland to celebrate!!! And don’t forget to post a video of the trip to disneyland for us to join in the fun!
Just ordered the book on Amazon and it recommended Diaper Genie Refills as another item I may be interested in. HA HA!
Just finished reading it! Loved it! Especially the car trip story 🙂
Anyway, if I were you, I’d hire a maid. That would be my dream come true.
Option 2: You know those stick people stickers people put in the back windows of their car? I would LOVE to have crappy versions of those! With talking bubbles on the kids and everything!
Option 3: I also really like the idea of having a playdate with a fan and his/her kids (I, too, volunteer.. if you can get to Pennsylvania!)
Dress in poop costumes, drink champagne and pop balloons with bare hands in disneyland!
Oh! Oh! Make a Crappy Family short film!!!! That would be amazing!
What..? What..?
Nobody agrees?
A new crappy convertable with matching crappy license plate, decorated with the crappy decals mentioned in earlier posts.
Commit to run a marathon, or whatever distance you’d like (in your purple dress, to make it more fun). The experience will provide you with plenty to write about (maybe your second book).
Hire someone to create a crappy app. (Not sure what it would do, but I’m sure it would keep the smart phone/tablet people happy.)
Go to Disneyland and then write about it! You know that’s gotta be good for some stories.
Halfway through the book already, despite constant interruptions from my two year old.
got it in the mail today-already looked a few pages-hilarious:) bought two copies, one for me and one for a girlfriend.
bestseller for sure;)
forgot to say what you should do-
come to aspen, co for your book tour!
i’d like to see you take a day for you. massage, mani-pedi, have someone wash and brush your hair (you don’t even need a haircut! but how good does it feel when someone else washes your hair?!), see a movie with wendy (and eat butter with a little popcorn mixed in), have dinner with crappy papa. all while sipping on mimosas. all day. and having someone else drive you around ALL DAY LONG.
here’s the kicker: you’re allowed to miss your crappy children (if you like), but you may not check in on them. you trust that they are happy and wonderful, as you are pampered and happy and wonderful. because you freaking deserve it.
CONGRATS AMBER!!!
I was gonna say do something with Wendy too, maybe if she can get away to a spa day…that would be awesome!
Ooooo! Here are some ideas:
• Redesign the site so it’s really stellar
• Create a line of your own cloth diapers (you know, like how celebrities have their one signature print—you can do that for one of the cloth diaper companies)
• Redecorate your living room in all new mid-century mod now that the kids aren’t QUITE so young.
• Post all of the out-takes from your headshot photoshoot.
• And I second a pixie cut (only because I have one and LOVE it)
(I love your site, I vote for not changing it)
Love you, love your book.
You should do whatever the heck you want if you win! You wrote a book! It is currently selling! There is NO WAY it won’t make a bestseller! And we all love you!
But, can I plug the “another crappy baby” idea again?? 🙂
my 10 yr old and i love you! and your blog … just ordered your book for our next book club!!! thx! and congrats!! BOOK! BOOK!! BOOK!!! BOOK!!!!
I bought three- one for my sister, my best friend, and me. I think I will be purchasing MORE copies for Mother’s Day gifts (highly suggest others do the same and share the joy). Your stories are hilarious- and true. So far, from the site I purchased my books, all five star reviews! Thanks so much for the laughs! Congratulations on the achievement, and I would also purchase the calendar and car decals! Some great marketing ideas!
Can tell how famous you are now ’cause it takes forever to scroll down to the end of the ‘comments’ to comment. Now that I’m here I forget what I was gonna say. But I want to say that you are a bright part of my day!!!!!!
Go on Ellen 🙂
OMG, wouldn’t be freaking awesome!?!?
OMG yes, you need to be on Ellen!!!!!!
Congrats! Enjoy no more book deadline!
I say you should take a trip (disneyland or elsewhere), buy yourself some treat (big or small) and commemorate your family as it is now – maybe an artsy photo shoot and portrait or maybe pouring concrete in the yard/basement and sticking in hands and feet, etc. That way you can remember how little the kids were when it made the list!
I’d love to see a crappy post about children’s cancer awareness – not because it is funny (believe me it isn’t) but because it is important and people listen to you! I could give you some real crappy gems to include from my son’s treatment such as “Crappy giftwrapped poop diapers” and “Crappy bright orange pee” stories.
It’d mean a lot to all us cancer mums and dads.
BTW, my 3yr old Josh was diagnosed with stage IV Neuroblastoma and after 2yrs of treatment, died aged 5yrs. Can’t get crappier than that, right?! 😉
So sorry Hannah – my nephew was diagnosed with stage IV neuroblastoma too, aged just 18mths. It’s such an intense treatment, it’s almost unbelievable. And yes I had never heard of it before and yet it’s so common – now I seem to hear about it all the time.
I lost a Josh too so I will remember yours. I bet he was a fantastic little kid.
Thanks Carla,
He was, is and will always be my shining star (and very spunky too! Sorry to hear you have lost someone so loved too. xxx
Come on a safari to South Africa. The Crappy Boys will love seeing all our beautiful animals.
I got your book in the mail today and read the whole thing. =) Very funny. The pooping and peeing on the side of the road was my favorite.
I love the tattoo idea. I totally think you should do that. Maybe a spa day for yourself too.
I just bought my copy! It’s getting on the boat as we speak sailing it’s way to New Zealand. What to do if it makes the best sellers list? Bath in champagne? Cake smash? why should 1 yr olds have all the fun?
Show us your boobs! (drawn in crappy style, of course!)
LOL!
Um… Publish another book. Duh!
I wanted to get it on my iPhone but isn’t available in the UK store 🙁
I will have to get around to ordering a hard copy instead.
A crappy picture of you naked, popping/holding a balloon (could be covering your modesty), in disneyland (riding a rollercoaster or log flume) whilst drinking champers (it would be extra naughty because you shouldn’t be naked on a ride and also shouldn’t be drinking on a ride either!).
Super efficient three things at once!
Next you should make a crappy film!!! 🙂 Some kind of family adventure. That would be great.
🙂
You know I got my book cause I tweeted you… now I’m bouncing back and forth between it and your blog and comments. I think you should do a real bucket list item, like skydiving (but if skydiving is not one of yours, don’t do that, do one that is one of yours). My top one is going to california to take a fitness class at Slimmons, instructed by Mr Richard Simmons! Wouldn’t that be SO COOL!?!?! I think you should do that…if that’s your thing, I love group fitness so….
Anyways, something with Wendy, but I am sure you do that all the time anyways.
Loving the book so far!! <3
My Amazon email this morning (I’m in the UK):
“Not yet dispatched.
DELIVERY ESTIMATE: Friday 5 April 2013 – Wednesday 10 April 2013 by 9:00 pm”
Why so long, Amazon 🙁 ? Why?
If your book hits the bestseller lists, I think you should send me a copy, because it’s doubtful that I’ll have got mine by then!
LOVING YOUR BOOK! I ordered another for a mom friend yesterday, partially because it’s soooo awesome, I just have to share it, but partially to also get your best seller numbers up, because lady, you DESERVE IT! Thank you for all the laughs. I can especially relate to your story-lines as I have two boys, ages 6 and 3. Thank you for taking the time to illustrate my life!!!
To celebrate you should give yourself a “shopping spree” to ANY store of your choosing. You could pretend you won some contest and get to run around and throw things in your cart/basket for 5 minutes. 🙂 🙂 Enjoy your success! So happy to see how far you’ve come with this!!
I went and ordered one for my BFF for the same two reasons! 🙂
I pre-ordered but the book STILL hasn’t shipped (I know it’s only been a day since release but come on…PREORDERED!) Chapters.ca will be getting a very angry email soon. I wanted to read the book over the Easter weekend!
Rant aside, I support the idea of getting a hotel room all by yourself (or at least sans kids) and sleeping as long as possible. Up the ante with a hotel that has an on-site spa and go from some super-luxurious pampering, followed by room service and wine.
Yep. My 12 yo saw my reaction, saw the amazon box , and made the conclusion that I had bought myself a kindle fire or a iPad. Once he saw the beautiful red cover he was like ” oh, it’s just a book”. He looked at me with a little pity in his eyes. Whatever! When I catch him reading it, I will make him a fan!
All I require of you is to do a little happy dance! The UPS guy handed me my copy last night and just opening to a random page, I nearly peed myself (thanks, childbirth!) Can’t wait to go hide somewhere to read the rest!
Take some girlfriends to the nearest Walmart (or department store or whatever), dress up in a hat/purse/sunglasses combination that makes you feel like a snobby rich person, then ask to try on all the diamond jewelry.
Finished it last night and laughed the whole way through! If you make it on the best sellers list, you should, in no particular order:
Bake me brownies
Eat the brownies with me
Run a half marathon with me
Post a real live picture of you, Crappy Papa, Crappy Boy and Crappy Baby
Split a bottle of wine with me.
🙂
My daughter already managed to tear one of the pages. Lol. I guess that’s how I know it’s really mine! I almost woke her from her nap today reading it though! I could barely stifle the laughter! I think I’m gonna buy a few more copies and give them away to other moms as birthday gifts!
My suggestions:
1. Write a Crappy sequel!!
2. Write a Crappy pictures children’s book!
3. More Crappy illustrated videos!
4. Treat yourself! (And a lucky reader perhaps) to a spa day! Or a hot tub! Or a month of maid service! Or… Well, honestly, I’d be happy with five minutes of privacy and a candy bar!
5. Randomly walk around a crowded place handing out copies of your book to tired looking moms!
Lol. Love love love the book! It’ll get a special place of honor by the toilet 😉
These are the best suggestions!!
I agree, these are great. The place you should hand out the book is at the grocery store, to moms with more than one kid in there.
Also, I’d be happy to volunteer to be the “lucky reader”. 🙂
I am WAITING for Amazon to ship it. I can’t wait to read it. YAY.
*WHEN* your incredible book makes the best sellers list – I think you should come hang out at our chapter’s Holistic Moms Network for an evening – South Bay Los Angeles. We meet in El Segundo, it’s really not that far 🙂
Congratulations on the book! I pre-ordered and am anxiously waiting for it to arrive. To celebrate, I think you should do something for yourself. You work hard, you deserve it.
I love the idea of crappy pics of your vagina before and after kids… someone should warn the young women out there… this is your vagina, this is your vagina after kids, any questions?
Also, I got your book yesterday from Amazon. I love new books and was so excited to finally get yours. I was petting it…. is that weird? Oh well…
Skydive!
Or give out free copies on Facebook…
Make a donation to a library or children’s reading organization!
If you make it to the bestseller list do “Kama Sutra illustrated with crappy pictures”. Then publish it…then it will be a best seller! Double awesome!
Give away “MAMA?” bubble bumper stickers.
I got your book in the mail yesterday. My 5-yr-old quickly hijacked it. Can’t wait to read it. When I find it again.
I’m buying your book today after work. One for me and one for my friend’s baby shower this weekend. A perfect gift for a first time expecting mother. I’m so excited!
I just purchased mine! I can’t wait to read it! (I have a feeling I will finish this book way before I finish the stack on my nightstand.)
Definitely love the crappy family bumper stickers idea. I would def buy them and I’m not a fan of bumper stickers. Perhaps you should run a half marathon or marathon. Much more rewarding than a tattoo.
I loved the book and was so excited when I got it, I texted my sister pictures of me grinning wildly with it in my hands.
I enjoyed the poop monster trailer so much, I’d love to see what other collaborations might produce–a “guest post” with a story by crappy boy or crappy baby (with your illustrations)
OR if you could get a cloth diapering company to agree when you make the bestseller list, a limited edition print with some of your art would be INCREDIBLE! I’d love to snatch up some “crappy pictures” printed bumgenius!
Wow! A Crappy diaper! Genius!!!
I just ordered!!!
Spa Day. Massage, facial,pedicure, the works! Maybe bring your best friend.
This book is gonna be hilarious, and you toats deserve the best-sellers list girl!!! If you make it, I think you should do a random act of kindness. Secretly pay someones meal at a restaurant, or leave 50$ in an evalope on someones car.. etc etc :):)
Just finished it. I tried to parse it out. While I was enjoying my alone time, I almost snorted toothpaste while laughing like a hyena when I was reading the part that luxury is 5 minutes alone in the bathroom. This book should come with a warning label!
Idea: commemorate this day with a group photo shoot and the book.
I was so excited, I even did a little dance when I saw your book on my front porch! I read it until I started falling asleep last night, and it’s fantastic! Can’t wait to read more tonight! You rock! Oh, and I think you should bungee jump if you get on the best seller list!
I desperately wanted to downlaod your book tonight from iTunes, but it’s not available yet on the Australian site. Please please please put pressure on the ‘powers that be’ to make it available to us Aussies that think you are hilarious and fabulous! Thank you! xx
Amber, I loved the book! It was hilarious just like your blog. I have recommended it to all of my friends with kids, and even those without bc I think you’re THAT funny. :0)
If you win, I think you should try skateboarding (bc let’s face it, that would be hilarious to draw), take the boys and volunteer at an animal shelter or soup kitchen (bc again hilarious picture but also doing something good) or go bungee(sp?) jumping (serious hilarity). Plus I feel like I should say I love the Crappy Family ratio idea as well as the crappy car decals. I would love to smack one of those on my pimpette ride. :0)
Sure to be a bestseller. No joke. Prepare to buy yourself something floofy!
Oh, and a recommendation for how to celebrate with the whole family? Two words: Muddy. Buddy.
(the race, not the chocolatey chip cereal mix. But fuck it, that, too).
I’m buying it riiiiiiight now. u make me laugh so friggin hard!
i think u should have ur boys write their own crappy story! hahah 🙂 But really I think a spa/wine tour date w/ some gf’s is where it’s at… good luck!
*When* you make the bestseller list, I think you should start getting quotes from contractors to see about the possibility of getting a second bathroom 🙂 You’re more likely to possibly, maybe have a sliver of a chance at peeing alone that way… Ahhhh, screw it – just buy a new house with a HUGE master bathroom suite that has a garden tub and a wine refrigerator!
There are so many great ideas in here. Whatever you decide to do, I’m sure you’ll get crappy family to participate. After all, none of us would be laughing this much without them. They deserve some of the glory too!
And I was thinking the other day what a great thing the crappy kids have to look back to their childhood someday.
Congrats to all of you.
I totally just reviewed your book. Thanks for the reminder.
I think you should drink a LOT of champagne while the kids are with someone else, so you don’t have to deal with the hangover AND kids the next day.
How bout more than just a quickie?! 😉 and one that’s all about you! (But with Crappy Papa is what I mean).
Finally got my copy in the mail! Of course, I’ve read it from cover to cover already (no kids, no interruptions 🙂 ). Put my review at Amazon (first one ever!) and congrats on being #10 on the Amazon Humor best sellers list. Loved the travel chapter – it is sooooo true!
When you make the bestsellers list, you should have a celebration day for yourself- out to dinner, mani/pedi, evening at a hotel…whatever is most relaxing for you!
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