gifts from my children

My children give me gifts all the time. I should probably write this as "gifts" so you understand what I'm talking about. 

This:

Gift-from-kidsnot

Is exactly what I am NOT talking about.

Gift-from-kidsnot1

No, no, no, no, no. 

Sure, I could write a post about all the flowers, drawings and otherwise sweet stuff they give me. But this is not that post.

I'm talking about "gifts" here.

Like boogers:

Gift-from-kids1
Large, slimy and green ones that he somehow transfers to my hand before I can grab a tissue.

 

Rejected food:

Gift-from-kids2
I always hold my hand out rather than do the smart thing and let it drop to the floor. Why?

 

Puke:

Gift-from-kids3
I use two hands and bend down on one knee. Like I'm accepting some holy offering. 

Gross.

One time I even got poop:

Gift-from-kids13
Just a small piece that floated up in the tub. A small piece that I held in my hand

Even more gross.

However, none of these compare to the gift I got last weekend.  

I'm sitting on the floor and my 4-year-old runs up to me:

Gift-from-kids5
Yells, "Here's a spider-guy!" and drops something into my lap.

Gift-from-kids6
A spider. 

On me.

Gift-from-kids7
I scream! Frantically jump up and pull and shake my clothes.  Get it off!  I can see it on the ground but my dancing frenzy continues. You know, just in case it multiplied or left parts on me which they always do. 

My husband enters to pick up the spider and to make fun of me.

Gift-from-kids8
Tells me that it is just a little brown one. Nothing to scream and dance over.

I can see him mentally high-fiving our son. 

I'm still shell-shocked in the corner.

Gift-from-kids9

I admit my weakness.

(To clarify, I just do not like them touching me. This is a very strong aversion. If I had to do a superhero I would be unable to pick Spider-Man. Spider-guys are not my thing. And I don't care who played him in the movies.  Spider bits = no.)      

I can see the boys looking at each other. 

Gift-from-kids10
Thinking. Probably having a brotherly telepathic conversation.

And simultaneously, they chase me:

Gift-from-kids11
With shrieks of laughter they throw bits of fuzz from the rug at me.

 Gift-from-kids12

And this continues all night week long. 

Boogers, chewed food, puke and even poop may be gross but they wash off. You can never wash off a spider.

This was, by far, the worst "gift" I have ever gotten from them.   

What "gifts" have you been given by your kids?

This entry was posted in anxiety, crappy pictures, parenting. Bookmark the permalink.

286 Responses to gifts from my children

  1. Robin says:

    HAHAHA! That is exactly how I am with spiders. Your life reflects mine in so many ways. :) Thanks for the laugh (again!)

  2. LOL!!!!!!!!

    They are just as scared of nasty gifts as me! LOL LOL LOL

  3. Misty says:

    doubled over laughing right now. I get the boogers all the time…never had puke, thanks goodness. I get garbage a lot from the street.

  4. Ah, you’re killing me! No gifts along those lines, but it did remind me of the (six-year-old?) kid this morning at the Science Centre who told me, “I am Spiderman.” And then, chin tucked into his chest like he was looking over the top of imaginary cool-guy sunglasses, “But I am more man than spider.”

  5. Kristen says:

    Litter box cat poop. Yay.

  6. Rachel Carter says:

    You’re amazing! Only blog in the world that has me in stitches every time I read. My little one’s only 16 months and I have all this to come – you kinda make me look forward to it!

  7. WordyDoodles says:

    I love the conspiracy-then-CHASE! Only because it looks so familiar, except with two girls over here.

    I have to say, one of my strongest earliest memories of my mom was when we were traveling in India, on a bus, and I threw up and she caught it in her handkerchief in her hand. I remember so clearly thinking how impressive that was. :)

    So maybe you’re making your badass-mama memories in their impressionable minds right now! If not for this, then for the fact that you do woodworking and art and are altogether awesome.

  8. Emily B says:

    Wet undies, muddy socks and germs

    As I sit here sniffling from the recent “welcome back to school” cold.

  9. COCKROACH. In my sons mouth. I had to pull it out bit by bit out of his teeth.

    Most. traumatizing. thing. EVER!!!!!!!

    • Sherry says:

      OMG.. that is just wrenching on the stomach!!! I am sooo sorry.. //shudder//

    • sasha says:

      Woman, I once polled a full tick from my youngest daughter’s mouth. I died a little that day.

    • Nice Loki says:

      OMG. I react to cockroaches like Amber reacts to spiders.
      I shriek, I shudder, I jump up and down and do the get-the-bug-off-me boogie and everything else.

      Finding one in my sons mouth would make me physically sick.

      • Jen says:

        Oh my. So do I. Would it be bad to let my son just enjoy the cockroach rather than have to pick it out? I would die a lot. I would rather fish his OWN poop out of his mouth than a cockroach.

        • Deena says:

          Agreed. My kids would have to consume the roach. This mamma will take vomit, boogers, diarrhea, blood,etc. Roaches in the teeth – no. Nope. Not gonna do it.

          • Laura says:

            So funny – this blog is amazing!
            I DID have to fish my daughters poop from her own mouth… oh and there was the time she found a worm on my cats bottom (tapeworm??) and I caught it a cm before she put it in her mouth – I was so close to puking when that happened!

  10. Bouqui says:

    Amber, you’re hilarious! This totally tops the usual “gifts” of garbage (wrappings, peels, chewed gum) that I usually get. Love your blog. Keep it coming.

  11. Melis says:

    I get spider guy.. and other assorted bug-guys… but it’s never as bad as when I get a mish-mosh of spider- and bug-guy parts. Like, a leg of a roach and the wing of a moth and the body of a daddy-long-legs… All in a pile. All in my open and naive hand and all for me to ponder over: “where the EFF are the rest of these bugs and why are these parts not with the rest of them?”

    And I think, at that point, the greater gift is that of ignorance.

  12. Jody says:

    I’ve always said that I knew I was a mom when my FIRST instinct was to catch puke in my hands.

    And I also have remarked lately that I’m not mom, but a human kleenex. Even when tissues are around, my shirt or arm are somehow better. Seriously considered going as tissues for Halloween this year.

    • Nickol says:

      And I also have remarked lately that I’m not mom, but a human kleenex. Even when tissues are around, my shirt or arm are somehow better. Seriously considered going as tissues for Halloween this year.

      -me too-

    • Shannon says:

      Lol! Last winter I was pregnant with my first and brought my 6-year-old nephew to a Christmas party. Well, I let him eat a BIT too much, and add in plenty of excitement – well, you know what happened next. But I knew I was ready for motherhood when I immediately followed that same instinct and caught it in my hands…

    • Michaelina says:

      I love this! My mother in law regularly reminds me of the day I instinctivly caught puke in my hand, and it kept coming, and coming, until it was spilling over my hand by the truck loads. Then I snapped out of the shock and horror I was in, and simply dumped my hand out on the floor with the rest of it, so that I could get something to start cleaning it all up.

  13. Monzie says:

    I’ll never forget the first “booger gift” I ever received. My son and I were at toddler gymnastics and he ran up and said “Here you go, Mom!” and put a big green one in my outstretched palm. Since we were at gym class, I had no Kleenex handy. Hell, I didn’t even have pockets in my yoga pants. So I reached into the kangaroo pocket on the front of my hoodie and deposited my special present there. Since then, I have always said that you know you’re really a mother when you have someone else’s snot in your pocket…

  14. Bouqui says:

    Oh yeah, and mine usually EAT their boogers…because they’re just too tasty to give away, I suppose.

  15. Satakieli says:

    The best is when they attack you unawares and try to put some random object in your mouth saying “Eat mummy, eat!” It could have been so much worse, it was only a 100 year old raisin from the back of the couch.

  16. meri says:

    Haha!! Amen sister.

  17. shawn says:

    holy moly! That is hysterically awful!!! I’m so sorry, but man, that’s funny!

  18. wendy says:

    i was lying on the floor watching something on tv. i was relaxed and enjoying myself, until suddenly, i realized i was being sprayed with something warm. i urgently looked up to see my 1.5 year old peeing on me.

    that was my recent gift.

  19. Shannon Mulholland says:

    Half eaten food that is in my mouth before I know what it is…

  20. L.R.Knost says:

    I HAVE to stop reading your posts when nursing my baby to sleep!!! Not that she doesn’t enjoy the ‘milk shake,’ lol, but sleeping runs far, far away while she giggles at me while I laugh til I cry! Good stuff :) Oh, and the terror of spiders is something we share, sister!

  21. Judi says:

    EWHHH!!!! COCKROACH!! I so feel your pain – in fact I think I’m traumatized too, just from reading about it! Makes my own son’s sampling of six different types of manure in his first year seem tame!

  22. dietcokehed says:

    I can’t think of any off hand, but a friend of mine had one. His daughter was crapping in the corners and behind furniture and such. She’s been a handful since birth and this was a new behavioral problem, as she had been potty trained for at least a year. Finally he decided to put her in a time out for doing this. After a while he went in to check on her and she handed him a wicker basket…filled with her poop!! At which point he declared, “you win.” >.< *head desk*

  23. Thank you SO much for the laughs… it totally is helping me procrastinate right now!

  24. Cherish says:

    Like most parents, my worst “gift” was probably poop.
    Only mine was a squished piece of poop with a large bite mark in it, along with a sad/disgusted face, and the words “don’ like dis cholate, Mummy.”
    D:

  25. Savi Mama says:

    My 3 year old daughter gives me rocks. Constantly. Everywhere we go. In fact, I have 5 of them in my purse right now. I suppose if I ever need to break a window, I’ll be in luck!

  26. Jennifer says:

    Within hours this past weekend. My 19 month old walked up to me while I was sitting on the floor leading with her mouth, so I assumed she wanted a kiss. Instead she slipped a chunk of chewed apple onto my lips. Then the four year old pooped in her pajamas on the way up the stairs to bed and a I, without thinking, reached down and caught it as it fell out the bottom. Boy was that a good glass of wine that night.

  27. Ugh – I hate spiders, too! I mostly just get the boogers and rejected food. Occasionally I’m lucky enough to have my son grab my finger and use it to pick his nose, so as not to sully his own hand–ew

  28. Amber Dusick says:

    Oh the poop catching is a hilarious image! I would have done the same & enjoyed the wine later too.

  29. Amber Dusick says:

    Oh no. In his mouth! LOL

  30. Jaclyn says:

    Luckily, my daughter usually gives her discarded food to the dog. Also? Her discarded diapers. Her grossest habit though is when she blows her nose then expects me to blow MY nose into the same tissue. Ick.

  31. Jo says:

    Ahahahaaa, I’m so with you on this.

  32. Amber Dusick says:

    That is an awesome quote.

  33. Amber Dusick says:

    Wow, how interesting that you remember that and were impressed! Maybe I should start carrying a handkerchief around for all the gifts.

  34. Amber Dusick says:

    Love the Halloween costume idea, it would be easy too.

  35. allison says:

    So want to bleach my brain right now. AGH!

  36. Terri says:

    I had one of them lean over to kiss me and proceed to throw up on my face……

    NOT kidding.

    • Meg says:

      I had just decided that I was actually in labor, sitting outside talking it over with my sister, and my two year old was insistent on having my attention. To buy a minutes peace I offered him a nurse. He leaned in and puked in my cleavage, down my great pregnant belly. Alot. His first honest to goodness vomit ever. He backed up, shot me the most accusing look and said “Mama, why?”…..

      His sister was born 4 hours later. All my kids were there. Puke child was so sweet, he said that he new what she needed and helped get her nursing. Then she pooped on me. Until he weaned six months later the side she pooped on was hers, the other was his.

  37. Amber Dusick says:

    Ha! Yes, petrified raisin isn’t so terrible. I NEVER open my mouth anymore. I know better.

  38. Amber Dusick says:

    I’m sorry. Just sorry. Never happened to me but did happen to a friend of mine when she was tossing her kid in the air.

  39. allison says:

    Good thing it’s a couple of hours until supper! At least my son was polite about it: “Pease hode on to this; it come from my nose.” Also, my daughter once dumped a cup of snails down my cleavage while she was on the dock and I was holding on to it, in deep water, so I couldn’t even fish them out WITH BOTH HANDS.

  40. Amy says:

    My son idea of a gift was to grab my drink before I could stop him & take a big bulp…with food still in his mouth. Needless to say they were his drinks after that.On the subject of spiders my son goes back & forth, either he chases acting like he has one or he is the superhero who kills them. Yes in our house the only good spider is a dead one.

  41. Amber Dusick says:

    I think you win with the cup of snails in your cleavage.

  42. Stacy says:

    Bugs are not welcome in my house, so when my boys catch a spider or an ant, they don’t give it to me (because Mommy will squish the bugs) instead they carry it around and tell me to “leave my friend ant alone!”

  43. sheila chingwile says:

    Oooh i just love your kids, i cant stop laughing!! ha ha ha..my baby is 4mon, i cant wait for all those mishaps to happen to me too.

  44. AnnaPK says:

    LMAO at not just the blog post but all the comments that follow it!!!!!!!!

  45. Catharine says:

    you know you totally jinxed me the other day. I read your poop story and thought… we’ll I’ve had some pretty bad blow outs but not like that. Said in some way to make me seem like a better mom in my head or something. Well, that was until last week. When my daughter graced me with the ability to take off her own diaper during a nap. Poop ev.ery.whe.re. How she at 14mo got her pants and poopy diaper off by herself is beyond me. but it was beyond gross.

  46. Michelle says:

    Oh, how I hate the “mommy reflex” that makes me catch puke in my hands without thinking about it. I’ve even done it with my niece and nephew, not just my own kids!

  47. Tiffany says:

    Dead mouse. First it was a gift lovingly placed in the toy basket by the cat. My (then) 18 month old found it, and proceeded to hold and inspect it as my (then) nearly 4 year old yelled “Thanks for the cool new toy Mom!” To be clear, the cat was declawed and would kill mice by sitting on them so it was not bloody or broken and really did look like a little toy. In my baby’s hand. On its way to her mouth. While my world moved in slow motion and I screamed so loudly that the neighbor came running. I got it away before she could give it a proper 18 month old’s inspection via tongue, but I sobbed the whole way through her bath, the disposal of both mouse and toy basket, and my very hot shower.

  48. HA! This is so great. Makes me think of getting a “hug” from typically squirmy and evasive toddler, only to find she has come in for a snuggle for the sole purpose of using my shirt sleeve as a napkin.

  49. … or (worse) as a tissue.

  50. Carmela says:

    For me, it’s the chewed up food that, two or three chews in, DD has decided she doesn’t like. But she’s just so generous and into sharing, that she takes it out of her mouth and stuffs it into mine. :S

    Same for my hubby, but he’s also had the (hilarious – from my perspective!) experience of a different gift in hand. Still only a month or two old, he was getting her out of the bath and started exclaiming: “She’s peeing! She’s peeing on me!” I looked and saw water dripping and said – “Are you sure it’s not just bath water?” He replies: “No, she’s peeing, and … oh god. OH GOD!!!” i looked down and wondered for a second why he was freaking out and why there was mustard on the floor – and then realized: that’s not mustard. She was pooping directly into his hand and it was dripping onto the bathroom floor.

  51. Victoria says:

    A friend of mine calls it being a Human Hanky then described the time her 3 year old used her new white shirt to wipe the ketchup off his hands, rather than the napkin in his lap.

  52. Rachel says:

    aak! I have a similar aversion to spiders and am really really trying not to pass it on to my kids… but surely failing. The bottom line is spiders are scary. Sigh.

  53. Genevieve says:

    yep I am getting really good at catching puke in my hands and carrying out to the sink. I got my first handpicked booger last week as well!! I also have to share this part it is not quite related but just to show how 3yr old don’t have boundaries: Daddy was laying on his back shirtless and Kalel thought it was funny to tweak his nipples. Then he got up came to me in the living room looking like he wanted to climb up on me, rapidly inserted his hand in my shirt and happily tweaked my nipple!!!

  54. Cigarette butts from the bus stop that they want me to taste–looks like a lollipop stick, Mom! Huuurl.

  55. Starla says:

    This is the best post EVER! I am so glad I found your blog….it’s one of my favorites! I agree 100% with everything….it’s all happened to me before, kids they keep you on your toes. :)

  56. Tasha says:

    Band-aids left at the playground! :shutters: I have no words.

  57. L.R.Knost says:

    My 5 year old did that constantly! I forgot about them and couldn’t figure out why my purse was sooo heavy when I was ‘wearing’ my new baby and lugging my purse, diaper bag, and an apnea monitor around. If only I’d had time to clean my purse out (yeah, not top of my list with six children, lol!) I’d have found those silly rocks and saved my poor shoulder some trauma! On a positive note, I fully expect her to become a famous geologist and take care of me in my golden years :)

  58. Jolene says:

    My seven-year-old loves rocks too! I have a collection as well! So does she…I usually find them while doing laundry, in my pockets, in hers…etc.

  59. Meghan says:

    Oh my gosh! You know, I’m a horrible mother because, No way am I pulling that thing out. I know they’re filthy, but I’d be like “you put it in there, you can chew it up and finish it.” Okay, maybe not, but still. Eww.

  60. twinsmommie says:

    My most “special” gift was from my son who was then five and in a dinosaur phase and obsessed with all things fossil. He came running in declaring that he discovered a fossil and deposited a cat skull in my hand. I somehow managed to stifle my heebie jeebies until I remembered our beloved pet Ollie we had buried back there 2 summers before. I still don’t care to know how he managed to unearth such a “gift”.

  61. Kris says:

    Beware of Boys with Pockets, if you would label them “gifts” … they can carry around doodle bugs and other creepy crawlies in there for DAYS…and I quit ‘checking pockets’ when I did laundry, thanks to that!

  62. Caren says:

    I stupidly told my 22 month old son that the dried up earthworms on the sidewalk were “sleeping” so that he might leave them alone. Oh, no, no. Now I get to pick them up and put them in the grass so they can go night night. Needless to say my husband just loves this…

  63. Kris says:

    The ‘Gifts that Keep on giving’….Laughs LOL Gotta love kids!

  64. Kris says:

    I feel your pain! LoL I walked into my son’s room one morning, wondering why he didn’t wake me up with the usual “Hey! I’m awake and ravenous!!! Save me!!!” cry…to find poop all over him and his bed and even the walls where he managed to reach through the bars of his crib…he was about 7 months old, and I SO wanted to walk back out and shut the door, but of course it wasn’t going to go away, so I gritted my teeth, took a deep breath and went to ‘save’ him.

  65. K says:

    Ahaha that is a fantastic quote.

  66. Leia says:

    You made my day. Not just the blog but every one else too. Thank you so much. The mommy reflex is strong for me. Lots of poop and puke has been held in my hands. And my shirts are tissues for him too. I am sure I will get lots more goodies as he gets older, he’s only 16 months now. I am sure more dead bugs and other disgusting things are to come. Thanks again. Keep the blog happening. I look forward to it.

  67. Kris says:

    Oh yes Terri, that reminds me of when my daughter walked up to my side of the bed, of course, and woke me up by saying “Mommy, my tummy hurts, and I think I might GHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH” and threw up on me and the bed! She passed the bathroom on her way to tell me this, but she was only about 3, so I forgave her, and love her to this day!! LOL

  68. Angel says:

    Rocks here from my two-year old daughter as well. She has been giving them to me for about a year now. She’s always so happy to find one.

  69. Cherry says:

    My eldest when he was around 2 and still doing open mouth kisse. One day i was laying on the floor playing with him, next thing i know before i clicked what was coming he leans in and i get about a tablespoon of his warm drool pool into my mouth…. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Never will forget that “kiss”. I have an aversion to drool as it is, but that just took the cake, LOL

  70. Kim says:

    oh wow – the poop catch – niiiiice. LOL

  71. Kim says:

    Let’s see… from my daughter, a piece of cat poop, fully in her mouth. I was wondering what the brown drool was and then noticed the bad breath. *gag* From my son, it’s always got to be the slimy, gigantic boogers that he holds out with a nonchalant “here mom”. We’ve been working on the “can you get me a tissue mom” instead.

    I so needed a good laugh today and I was happy to see an update! yay!

  72. Kim says:

    that they want you to taste! of course! hahahahahaha kids little brains are awesome.

  73. Lucy522 says:

    Ok, this actually made me laugh so hard I cried!

  74. Lucy522 says:

    This happened to my husband… no matter how many diaper explosions or vomit puddles I clean up, he still reminds me that at least I don’t have to taste the stuff. He totally wins! :/

  75. April says:

    Sticky slimy banana slug! 18 month old daughter.

  76. HeatherB says:

    Ew! And Ew! If you make him chew it up, how could you ever kiss him again? Ew!

  77. Jen says:

    This could totally be MY life you are writing about – however, I once – inadvertantly – gave my -then – soon to be hubby a “Spider-guy”. To this day – 15 years later, he still remembers and shudders….it goes something like this:
    ME: “Honey, want a milkshake?”
    HIM: “Sure, sounds good!”
    ME: (digging in the appliance cupboard) “Now, where is that milkshake machine…Oh! Here it is.”
    I commence with the scooping of ice cream, pouring of milk, and drizzling – or shall we say generous dumping? – of chocolate syrup.
    The machine whizzes and whirs and wah-lah – a yummy chocolate milkshake!
    Good hostess / girlfriend that I am, I give him the first milkshake then start to make my own.
    HIM: (Sipping) “Slurp Slurp, *CRUNCH*…..WHAT THE…..?????”
    he pulls something small and black off his tounge…
    HIM: Is this a…..dead….HALF A SPIDER???? DID YOU JUST FEED ME A DEAD SPIDER?? OH MY @#$!@#)_)#*)#*$@#) – YOU JUST FED ME A SPIDER!”
    ME: (Laughing hysterically and crying – almost wetting my pants) “HAHAHAHAH- -Seriously…hahah….I didn’t…hahahahah…know…hahah…that…was…hahha..in there…hahahah”
    yeah yeah – I should’ve washed the machine first…but c’mon….the story lives on in infamy, I still laugh about it and he still gets miffed – to put it nicely!!
    So – moral of the story – your *Gift* could’ve been worse :)

  78. Lucy522 says:

    Wow. Just wow. There are no words for that! :0

  79. twinsmommie says:

    That is a fantastic husband story but……. foul…..so very foul! Yuck!!!!

  80. Mistie says:

    I laughed so hard I was crying! (I was also crying *for* you.) A month or so ago my 5 yo nephew had caught a *huge* grasshopper in my yard and came in to show me “something really cool!” and before I could even respond, he thrust his hands in my face and began to open them. Even being sick pregnant (1st trimester) and laying down, I couldn’t move my body fast enough, but I shoved him away so fast. I felt [kind of] bad because his face was a little heartbroken, but they had been finding huge spiders in the wood pile and I thought that’s what he had. Oh well, grasshoppers are almost as gross and creepy, especially when they are almost 2 inches long! *shudder* Thanks for sharing!

  81. Jennie says:

    When my daughter was little, barely 2, she left us a wonderful finger painting on her wall. It was HUGE! I would say about 6′ by 2′. Oh and the best part, she made it out of poop! How resourceful. That was the gift that kept on giving since the smell alone when I was cleaning it made me gag repeatedly. Hubby and her still joke about the noises I made. And it was 4 years ago.

  82. Chantelle says:

    Oh no!! When my daughter was about 6 months old,. I was laying down on the floor, holding her over my head, playing airplane… til she suddenly threw up all over my face, INCLUDING INTO MY MOUTH, which was open at the time. SO NASTY!!

  83. Bronwyn says:

    Wow! That is unbelievable! I have a mental picture of your cat sitting on the mouse too….!

  84. bcIMthemommy says:

    I get a lot of presents like those too. The worst one was tiny, squashed frog. One of my sons had put it in his pocket (where it got squashed) and then presented it to me. Very fun.

  85. Katrina says:

    Lol, I laughed so hard through this post. But to be honest, I would have had the exact same reaction to the spider!

  86. Andrea Olson says:

    You are so brave to go in after a cockroach! I’ve squirmed 3 times since reading that lol!! I don’t know what I would do if faces with that one :o

  87. Meredith says:

    This post is one of your best yet! In addition to the gems (minus the spiders) that you mention, I also get the gift of snot (my hands, my pants, my shirts, my hair) and juicy sneezes that seem to always land in my open mouth and eyes. Good times!

  88. Andrea Olson says:

    I’m actually thrilled to catch throw up in my hands. Then I can just run and dump it rather than bend over and scrub it out off clothing , chair carpet CT the next 15 minutes. I think its a good thing lol

    • Maile says:

      Just last week I caught a puking in my hands, IN THE DARK! I was so proud of myself for preventing all the cleaning and rearranging of a sick baby in the middle of the night. I gave myself a pat on the back, after washing my hands of course.

  89. Airiane says:

    I was handed a poop just last week. My fourteen month old had taken his cloth diaper off. I still cannot believe I hand out to receive this gift. I admit I have held a few gross gifts but this was one of the worst. I too am scared of spiders and used to dance like a crazy women when they got on me but I try to be brave for my children so they don’t take on my fears. I try.
    The other day I opened a shed bent down and stood up into a web where a giant orange spider was living and moved to my face.
    I freaked out in front of my three year old daughter. i had to take a bath after to stop feeling like it was on me. I really freaked out.

  90. Nancy L. says:

    I’m cracking up….I too have been the recipient of such lovely gifts. I’ve caught throw up in my hands and also wondered “ummm…why?” In regards to Spider-Man, one of my favorite moments of my son’s was when he was learning about missionaries in MOPS bible class. One of the teachers said “who knows, maybe some of you will grow up to be missionaries.” My son (almost 4 at the time), promptly raised his hand and said, “Umm, I can’t be a missionary when I grow up….because I’m going to be Spider-Man.” Yes!

  91. Franca says:

    OMG! I despise roaches. Hate them. Loathe them. Would love for them to disappear forever…

    That would have been the most traumatizing event EVER. In my whole life.

    I don’t know how you were able to pull it out of his mouth. Not sure I could…

  92. April says:

    Thankfully my kids have never gifted me, although one once said, “Mommy, there was something in my nose that didn’t taste like a booger.”

  93. LeahM says:

    LOL! I guess I’m not so much afraid of spiders. I recently picked one off my toddler and squished it with my bare hands to protect HIM. The most surprising thing I’ve ever been given was a frog. And I am way more afraid of those than spiders. Cause they’re slimy and I don’t think they ever really shut their eyes. So, I imagine if I’m touching one, I’ll probably touch their eyeballs.

    I’d say the grossest gift I’ve gotten was the poop that my toddler caught from the preschooler who was using the toilet. It’s like if I can imagine the gross thing, then it is probably going to happen one day. Toddler tried to eat a dead fly once, but I grabbed it out of his mouth.

  94. Laughing so hard…I have tears in my eyes!!!!

  95. pife says:

    I put a dead mouse in my folks mail box when I was little – so far my 3yr old twins have not out done my own gross gift.

  96. Laurie says:

    My daughter brought me a dead mouse she found. She was very proud of herself.

  97. Nicky says:

    What a classic post…just LOVE it…

    When 100 yrs pregnant with number four son, we were only minutes from home in the car, when Mr 4 yr old says “I am going to be sick” so I pull over, and sure enough the heaving starts…all I had to protect my newly purchased ‘4 children family required bus’was my shirt. Yes, i stripped on the side of the road, with my massive baby belly, bra for all traffic to see to catch the vomit while my older two boys nearly puked in sympathy…that was a huge gift I recieved!! he hee

  98. Marissa says:

    OMG! I thought I was the only one! My daughter put a cockroach in her mouth too. Disgusting.

  99. Liz says:

    hahahah… I too am deathly afraid of spiders.. of any size, even the tiny little ones. (Ants I can squash with my bare hand however.) Thankfully my baby’s a girl so hopefully there will be no ‘gifts’ of that sort from her!

  100. hollymcguffin84@yahoo.com says:

    LOL!!!!! Spiders happen to be what I’m MOST afraid of! I can’t wait to get so many awesome gifts when our son gets older, he just turned one yesterday =).

  101. justanothermom says:

    Oh Amber, this is hilarious. You’re like the mom friend I daydream about and wish I had. This is one of my two favorite posts…my other favorite was the one about not getting sleep and nursing the starfish.
    My husband loved this too.

  102. Marissa says:

    Great Post. I hate spiders too, I would have been running and squealing.

    I regularly get boogers, I’ve pulled one cockroach from my then 7 month old’s mouth, found a centipede on my chest whilst laying in bed breastfeeding bub (not really a gift, but ew still), retrieved poo from the bath too many times – most recently I had my 9 month old and 2 year old in the bath together after 9 month old had peed on change table and ended up with her hair wet from it. She then proceeded to poo in the bath. 3 times! I had to keep emptying the water, washing the bath and toys then put them back in because they’d been in a bath full of poo! Gross.

  103. Anne says:

    My son gave me a cricket 22 years ago and it so traumatized me I still remember. Not only do they jump, but they look way to much like a cockroach!!!

  104. Marie says:

    I was just thinking about running a comment thread on Facebook, “What is the grossest thing you’ve done today”… I think this these comments answer that question! I continually am amazed at what I do without thinking, and then go, ugh, gross! Like, accept the piece of half chewed banana that fell onto the dirty floor, was picked up an hour later and shoved in my mouth by my 15month old.

  105. Anne says:

    What “gifts” have you been given by your kids?

    My four yr old son pulled a snake egg out of his pocket and handed it to me. You could SEE the snakelet inside the egg. This was 12 years ago in actual time, but in Trauma Time it happened about 1/2 hour ago.

    Anne from Bringing Borya Home.

  106. Gina says:

    Don’t forget chewed up gum and empty food wrappers – those are gifts I get on a regular basis!

  107. Sharee says:

    When my son was about 14months he managed to catch a grasshopper and I *just* managed to stop him from biting it’s head off… Oh man… Yuk…

  108. Sharee says:

    HAHAHAHA…. Yes… Sometimes ignorance is bliss :)

  109. Sharee says:

    Hilarious!!! OMG!

  110. Luckily my children are almost as terrified of bugs as I am. Shudder. I don’t enjoy catching barf. I have to say.

  111. Melanie says:

    We now have to dress my 20 month old daughter in zip-up footie pajamas with the feet cut out and put on backwards to stop her from taking her clothes and diaper off each and every time she is in her crib. The number of times I’ve had to clean up smeared poop before we discovered the “straight jacket”…

    • We had the exact same thing with our DD who loved to paint the faces of all her ten thousand teddies and dollies in her cot (plus the blankets, walls, curtains and *gag* herself (including hair!!!!!)) with poo.
      Sadly the straight jacket did not work and watching Mummy wash her toys was higkly entertaining and offered the opportunity to get into other trouble for the hour or so it took to do damage control.
      What I could never work out was this; is it better to wash the child first, thus limiting the possibility of poo spread during cleaning time BUT risking re-contamination DURING cleaning time….or is it better to lock the child in the bathroom in order to first clean up, meaning they reappear after washing to a sanitary bedroom BUT risking your cosmetics, grouting and towels being poop-ified??? The age old struggles of the mother *sigh*

  112. Robyn says:

    I made a bunch of royal icing roses for on a cake that we ended up eating during Hurricane Irene. I let my son and my nephews have the ones that didn’t go onto the cake. My oldest nephew kept giving them to my sister. When she’d had enough she stopped opening her mouth. He then proceeded to claw her mouth open and put them in her mouth. Her gums were bleeding slightly and she was so sick of sugar! So much so that she didn’t eat any of the cake that I made.

  113. Pamela Susan says:

    Haa haaaa!!! Love it! (and no I’m not laughing AT you… I can just totally relate, minus the spider-guy) Boogers, poop, chewed up food… I think you got ‘em all!

  114. Jennifer says:

    oh my gosh. I am still recovering from a horrible spider experience from last week. I was screaming like a freakishly high pitched little girl. Just reading your post made me want to break out in hives!

    I remember bringing a dead/massively disfigured snake home to show my mom once. Looking back now I realize that probably wasn’t such a great idea so I accept all “gifts” from my children as karma payback.

  115. Jenn says:

    That happened to me too…and my daughter (almost 1) laughed like a maniac and clapped when i jumped up going “ewww oh god ewww”.

  116. Andraya Simmonds says:

    I have had most of the aforementioned ‘gifts’. By far the worst thing ever though was when I found my then 2 yr old daughter with a HUGE huntsman spider in her mouth! All you could see was the big hairy legs hanging out her mouth.I gagged and screamed for DH….no way was I retrieving that sucker. I have a big spider phobia.

  117. nopinkhere says:

    WOW! Weird how that stuff can be automatic. I have to admit, I’d rather wash my hand than clean the stairs.

  118. brenda says:

    My daughter is nine. When she was about 18 months old, we had the 17-year cicadas….you couldn’t walk outside without stepping on one. You can imagine what that was like….here’s a ‘cada, mommy! ‘cada mommy! ‘cada mommy! For about a month.

  119. julie says:

    Yes all of those (not so much the boogers yet) but one I never told my husband — I was letting my 16 months old run around naked one evening, and while she is very regular she hadn’t had a BM yet. I think all the exercise finally got to her and here she is, standing on the carpeted floor of her room (thank goodness we rent) and I see her slightly straining, not quite realizing what’s happening, and then making the “I’m pushing” face — and plop! pushes one nicely molded poop on the floor… I picked it up right away and went to flush it down, and this time washed my hand for the recommended 20 seconds!! I was thankful it was a hard enough poop that there was no clean-up necessary on the floor other than a quick wipe down… I never told my husband though… (he’s not fond of the running around naked)

  120. Melissa says:

    I have to say the worst “gift” I ever received actually wasn’t from my children. When I was teaching 1st Grade, I took the kids out to the playground for recess. The school is tucked away in a neighborhood and borders some woods. Many of the highschool and college students use the playground as a “make out” place in the evenings/weekends. Well, one of my students came up to me during recess, and handed me a ” a funny broken balloon.” It was a condom- used. Ugh. I still shutter at the thought. Needless to say a lot of handsanitzer was used that day!

    • Laura says:

      This reminds me of one of the girls in a class I taught a few years ago. There was a lot of fuss and whispers happening at their table one day and I went over to find her saying, ‘put it on your hand it feels funny’ and when she say me she said, ‘he Miss, hold your hand out’ which I did (WHY did I do that??) and she put a (what I can only imagine was her mothers) vibrator on my hand!!!! I was mortified. I told her to take it home and tell her mum she had brought it to school. Parents night was interesting! :)

      • Laura says:

        ouch… so many typos in that comment…

        This reminds me of one of the girls in a class I taught a few years ago. There was a lot of fuss and whispers happening at her table one day and I went over to find her saying, ‘put it on your hand it feels funny’ and when she saw me she said, ‘hey Miss, hold your hand out’ which I did (WHY did I do that??) and she put a (what I can only imagine was her mothers) vibrator on my hand!!!! I was mortified. I told her to take it home and tell her mum she had brought it to school. Parents night was interesting! :)

  121. Brigette says:

    Lucky for me, my husband was the recipient of the booger gifts. Once while we were talking to the Cell phone Rep, my son deposited it right into his Dad’s mouth. Another time he tried to “gift” it to the checkout lady at the grocery store!

  122. Sam says:

    Same here. I have been puked and pooped on- but my husband still wins the prize since our daughter projectile vomited on his face.

  123. Cynthia says:

    This exact thing happened to my husband.

  124. Elizabeth S says:

    LOL – this was SO TRUE!!! I get the loving “gifts” all the time. It started with slightly soggy goldfish out of my baby daughter’s mouth – straight into mine… YUCK and progressed to boogers, trash, dead (or live) bugs… I tend to catch throw up down my shirt. For some reason I’m ALWAYS holding them & I ALWAYS lean back, never forward so it can fall to the floor. Now my girls just give me random trash but my youngest is a three year old boy… he is the worst about giving me things and more often then not he is giggling as I realize what I’ve just been handed – I fear I am doomed to get these “gifts” from him for the rest of my life

  125. Sarah says:

    My 18 month-old tried to offer me a booger, and I said “No thank you.” Before I could twitch a muscle, her 4 year old sister said “I’ll take it,” swept it off the baby’s finger and popped it into her own mouth!

  126. Becky says:

    One year, ON MY BIRTHDAY no less, my then 2 year old gave me something worse than a dead lizard.. she gave me HALF a dead lizard. (It appears the cats had their way with the other half). She plopped it in my hand, then put her thumb directly into her mouth. AAAAAAHHHHH!!! My then 10 year old was laughing hysterically at my screaming… “but Mom!! She gave you a birthday present!!”… she’s almost 15 now, and she still teases me about it.

  127. cindy says:

    I love this blog even though my boys are both teens now.

    My eldest son loves lizards. He is now almost 15, but at about age 8 he found a lizard in the backyard and wanted to keep it. We had the discussion about letting it live in the backyard to be fair and humane.

    The next day I was pulling clothes out of his laundry basket when I see one of my small travel makeup zip bags in there and without thinking, pick it up and unzip it only to find Mr. Lizard sans a tail in there… he didn’t jump, but surely looked relieved that someone had rescued him… although he might not have appreciated my scream and throwing the whole make up bag up in the air first!

    Then, there is a story about when my boys were still in pull ups at night, (w used to call them “just in case pants”) I went to wake them up and my son had experienced diarrhea during the night and it was all over him and the sheets from head to foot. I let him straight to the shower all the while gagging and dry heaving as I hosed him down… ugh… just thinking about it brings back the smell!

    kids, gotta love them!

  128. Becky says:

    Oh.. and when I was little, my mom said I brought her “dots” that I’d found in the backyard. Dots turned out to be bunny poop. I’m 36 and still haven’t lived that one down.

  129. Jessie says:

    My daughter handed me a ‘poop rock’ while I was on the phone for an interview. Been there :)

  130. Thora Siegel says:

    I have a theory about the “booger gift”. We spend so much of their infancy and toddlerhood taking the boogers/snot out of their noses (or off their cheeks, foreheads or anywhere else they manage to get it before i can get a tissue) that they come to believe that we actually WANT their boogers! As if I have some sort of booger sculpture held together by snot just waiting to be finished in my room or something…

  131. Oh, MAN. That had me laughing out loud! I have 15 month old twin boys, and I have been accidentally peed on through the diaper more times than I can count, but never actually been *sprayed* with pee. Something to look forward to, I’m sure…

  132. rasa says:

    yes!!! thank you this post IS awesome!!!!!

  133. Marija says:

    Two presents worth mentioning:
    My son was 3 years of age in middle of the “rock/leaves/acorns/pine cones” collection rage. I almost grew accustomed to having pockets full of precious gifts of that nature. But one summer, he decided to look around our backyard trees while my hubby and me were drinking coffee and enjoying some cake. Talking to my hubby, I innocently stretched my hand out when my son offered yet another gift. But this time it was this: http://tinyurl.com/65vkg7m

    I took a DEEP breath and placed caterpillar on the deck, and CALMLY (while screaming in my head) proceeded to explain that that is meant for leaves, and not to be placed on people/plates/tables. As a “reward” for my calmness, I had to live with that said caterpillar in glass jar for next week, until he forgot it and I could toss it out of my house.

    Second gift is sweet/gross kind: we took my daughter (just turned 3) to visit some relatives in small village. Walking down the road, something caught her eye, she picked it up and full of excitement presented me with something round and hard, that she called “precious gems”. It took me split second to realize that gems are hard to find on village road, but goat droppings abound.

  134. HaleyStudio says:

    Lately it’s been molted cicada husks, dead cicadas, and one alive (but sluggish) cicada. Also crabapples, sticks, and of course, boogers.

    We’ve been very lucky on the projectile vomiting front (I got her to the bathtub quickly). That was probably the day after the poop-eating incident, now that I think of it.

  135. Jen says:

    My 4 yr old and I were telling “scary stories” to each other one day while I tried to get 10 more minutes of not-quite-awake time in an enforched snuggle session. I asked what he was afraid of and he said “Lions” so I told a not-quite scary story of lions. He asked what I was afraid of… I said “Thousand-leggers” (those FAST spider/centipede-like critters that like basements and drop down from the ceiling onto unsuspecting victims.) He then told me a story AAAAAAAAAAlll about the thousand legger crawling on me- my hair, etc… and as I begged him to stop (shivering! EW!) he laughed and laughed- then did EXACTLY what your children did for the rest of the day… ran around chasing me pretending to cover me in thousand-leggers. That was the worst “gift” I ever got. A scary story.

  136. Jess says:

    If my 2-year-old doesn’t like something, not only will she spit it out and hand it to me, she also commands me to “Eat it Mumma!” Um, barf.

  137. Nikki Hayes says:

    I remember when I spent the night at my brothers house and I had to share a bunk bed with my son who was 4yrs old at the time. It had been a late night so I was looking forward to sleeping. That was until I woke up to my son peeing a fountain that was spraying all over me and it took nothing short of an earthquake to wake him, which by the time I did I was wearing his pee like a lukewarm blanket!

  138. Tessa says:

    I laughed so hard when I saw your shaking your clothes picture and your boys chasing you that I almost woke my baby up.
    That is how my middle one is. It’s just so fun chasing momma around the house with something grose or scarey.

  139. Alannah says:

    I caught vomit last week in my hand. Kids were so impressed! Easier to clean than letting it land on the floor!

  140. Alanna says:

    Lol! I have twins that have always slept together. We couldn’t turn their clothes backwards because they’d take them off for eachother. We resorted to duct tape around their diapers to keep them on!

  141. Cheryl says:

    OMG I’m sorry you got wet but that sure is funny!! I laughed out loud!!

  142. Lindz says:

    Today I found a spider on a bowl in my kitchen. I opted to drown the spider in my sink rather than have to touch it. I thought it was gone but it jumped onto the dish cloth. I used the spayed to get it once and for all, but it was still attached to the cloth (dead). I threw the cloth away rather try to touch the spider to get it of…yeah, I’m that lame when it comes to spiders.

  143. Mandy H says:

    My daughter is incredibly creative; gifted even. Little did I know, from her humble beginnings as a sculptor.I’m glad my horror didn’t mar her talent, when she handed me a “little guy” made of her boogers collected over a long car ride. Kids are a delight – and by that I mean totally gross, as times.

  144. Amy says:

    oh my! what i have to look forward to! lol, I’ve had the food “gifts” and boogers, bugs, bits of fluff from the ground, etc, but I have not had a poopie “gift” yet…yes, I said yet!

  145. jennifer w says:

    Painting w poop I have gotten tht gift several times since my now 14 mo old was about 7 months. Needless to say he wears shorts always. Even thn were chanceing it lmao. I am lucky he does not eat it like my sisters son who is a couple months younger. Also love the blog always always a good laugh!

  146. Karen says:

    My daughter loves bugs. Loves them. And I tried to encourage her when she was younger because I didn’t want to pass on my fear to her, and I wanted her to not be too girly around boys. Fast forward a few years, a friend gave her a dead June bug found outside our house after a play date. Reluctantly, i put it in a zip lock bag for her to admire.

    Three days later, I have forgotten all about the June bug. I am nursing my newborn and I hear her screams of panic mixed with excitement. In my head I’m saying “what now…i’ve just sat down to nurse. Surely it can wait.”

    Nursing is done, I go to inspect the crime scene and discover the June bug in the zip lock bag has a dozen maggots crawling all over it, chewing it up for dinner. As I stare at the bag, I am frozen — trying to decide if the maggots are for sure, on the inside, not the outside of the bag.

    My fear of bugs, worms and all things gross gets completey unveiled in that one moment in time. Needless to say, we have a new house rule. No bugs in the house. And no collections of nuts, berries, leaves of whatever else comes in the house. Ever. What lives outside, stays outside. Unless purchased from the market ;-)

  147. :-D Yes!! I’ve been blessed with all those “gifts” too! There was this time years ago, of course, when we were returning from a trip by bus and it was freezing cold outside. My fella pooped in his pants because the bus driver wouldn’t stop – it was pretty late at night and he was keen to get to our destination. I remember just wrapping my shawl around my sweety and holding him close so he wouldn’t feel cold with the poop going cold :D. Of course, once we reached home I literally hosed him down.

    Love your posts, Amber!

  148. Laura says:

    Ahahah! Oh gosh I’d do the same thing! Spiders are *not* my friends, but unfortunately my son likes them. Eek.

    Worst gift ever was from my daughter… not really a gift, but the worst moment of parenting yet: she came in the middle of the night, into my room. She was warm, asking to snuggle, and when I picked her up her shirt was wet. Just as I was clueing in to the smell she moved her head and fresh vomit chunks fell into my mouth from her curls… just as I licked my bottom lip.
    *gag* I was still battling morning sickness, and, as it happens, also stomach flu [that hit our whole family that night].

    Parenting’s such a joy at times ;)

  149. James says:

    (This is the story my mother used to tell about me) Once, I had to have 4 permanent teeth removed. (Overcrowding) As a result, my mouth was filled with gauze. Half way home, I simply said, from the back seat, “Here Mom.” She stuck her hand out, and I handed her the gauze, covered in blood and saliva. but mainly blood. Somehow, she never got farther along in the story than that, and I barely remember it at all.

  150. Jems says:

    I heart you! You are freaking hilarious!

  151. Sharon says:

    We have not reached the stage of spiders & worms just yet. But I so relate to the boogers, unwanted food, puke and poo! I (what the hell was I thinking) even once caught a poo as it fell from my childs bum while hubbie carried her to the bathroom!

  152. Island Mum says:

    bahahaha…. too funny. Yep my son is a puker so I’m an expert puke catcher. Thankfully I haven’t had any ‘poop’ gifts so far… I’ll consider myself warned!

  153. Yep! Poo in the bath was pretty bad.

    The one that takes the cake for me was when we were on holidays and my eldest daughter (who is frog mad) caught a frog. She came and showed it to me. I said “DON’T POINT THAT THING AT ME” she calmly assured me “oh, it won’t jump, you can TELL when they’re going to ….” and SPROING! The frog landed in my cleavage and went down my bra. I can’t tell you what was worse. The frog in my bra or the 10yr old fishing around in my bra trying to retrieve said frog.

  154. Rebecca Emin says:

    This had me in stitches. I can’t believe I haven’t found this site before. I have subscribed. Brilliant post. I actually don’t mind spiders. But I totally understand about the gifts children give us. Poo in the bath is particularly nasty. Unfortunately we’ve had that in the past. And projective vomit all over the bedroom, bed, curtains. Nasty.

  155. Hillary says:

    It’s funny, if I was handed poop, puke, chewed food, boogers, or any other body fluid before I had kids, I would have puked. Now “mommy here, I found this goo in my ear!” is as normal as brushing my teeth.

  156. Anam Cara says:

    This strikes close to home.

  157. Kim Q says:

    HAHA! Hilarious! I have girls, so not quite the same. However, I also have a dog. My dog once gave me a deal squirrel. INSIDE MY HOUSE! I screamed like he had given me a dead human. My husband dealt with that one.

  158. Alexis says:

    “Squirrel feather.” Yup, dead squirrel tail she found in our back yard. I had to respond in that super high-squeaky “trying not to pee my pants” voice that you hear from moms. “Wow, great, thanks!” at a pitch only dogs can hear. I still shudder thinking about it…

  159. cindy says:

    Reverse this in our house… my husband is terrified of bugs. But I am trying to get him to not freak out and make my son afraid. LOL. THIS would totally have make him shriek like a little girl! hahaha! But sorry for your trauma. ; )

  160. StephanieH218 says:

    Duct Tape….THAT is Hilarious! hahahahaha

  161. Amy says:

    I don’t know. I always try to get the puke to go on my clothes, their clothes, their blanket or something. It’s easier to throw those in the wash than the carpet or couch.

    My middle daughter put a friends poo ball she found on the floor at Panera in her mouth. Gross! Maybe that’s why she only eats chicken nuggets now.

  162. Jen Loflin says:

    One day my then kindergartener came home from school, my husband had picked him up. I was cooking in the kitchen and he came in screaming excitedly, “Hey mom, want to see the world’s hairiest nut???!” I froze, my back to him, not wanting to turn but dying to see what he was talking about. I look and my 5 year old is holding out a seed pod from a tree that has some husk “hair” on it, I died laughing!

    Oh, and I can relate to scooping poop from the tub, I had to palm tootsie rolls more than once over the course of raising 3 boys

  163. Melanie says:

    hahaha I had the exact same gift given to me from my 2 year old daughter.. the poop in the bath tub.. ahah and I did the exact same thing. I think I was more in shock or something but I just stood there with this log in my hand.. then reality set in and I ran to the toilet yelling “ew ew ew ew” ahah Love your stories! Always brighten my day!

  164. Vanity_Mom says:

    my son loves to give me the lid for the garbage can… its gross and to the point that the garbage can now resides on the counter.

  165. Jenn says:

    Once, my oldest son (about 14 at the time) was weed-eating the garden and bent down and in a sweet, soft voice, said, “Ohhh, Mom, come here!!” He bends down ever so tenderly and cups the creature in his hands.

    I thought it was a baby bird or a bunny, as often-times, bunnies will come running out of tall weeds as we mow. I walk over. Then I see it. It literally jumps about a foot from his hands. A TARANTULA! I tripped backwards and fell on the ground, proceeded to get up and run and scream with all my might. I was about 2 feet from him when this happened. He was laughing his head off. I could’ve killed him. Seriously. He *always* does this stuff to me. He plays with spiders all the time. He’s never been bitten. He’s a total freak!

  166. Marissa says:

    One of the things no one told me was that when you become a parent, you also become a table. For everything. Coats, leftover food, boogers, spider-guys, dirty diapers and trash. The trash can will be closer to my kids than I am, and they will still walk to me, say “here,” and hand me used gum and the wrapper.

  167. Rainyday says:

    I refuse to move to the country – where I want my boys to grow up – because I’m scared of snake “gifts”. But yep, we’ve been all over the booger, vomit, poop, food prezzies. Delightful! Aren’t they just the most adorable kidlets ever?

  168. At all costs, I hide my complete aversion to all things slug or snail. I remember tormenting my mom when I was a kid and learned of her weaknesses.

    but my real question is: why do we catch the puke. WHY?

  169. Heather C says:

    Hahahaha! My three year old took off all his clothes, piled them on the floor, peed on them, put them in the hamper and then covered the evidence with clean clothes from his dresser. Then he proudly showed me what he had done saying “Is that funny or bad?” Never been peed on though..but with two boys, lots of gross “gifts”. Lesson here is: Always say “What is it?” before accepting gifts.

  170. Rhonda E says:

    Just this weekend we were at a festival where one booth was selling maple products. They had free maple sugar you could try, so my 3 year old tried some. Then he started crying and yelling “I DON’T LIKE IT!!” so my hand immediately stuck out to catch the stuff he was spitting out. This festival was outside in a wooded area. The obvious choice, had I thought about it, was to let him spit it onto the ground. We were both completely sticky everywhere (stick spreads like a virus) for the rest of the day. And no, no amount of Wet Ones was getting it all off.

  171. emma's mom says:

    oh my god i am crying i am laughing so hard….

  172. Oh my, I’ve held my hands out for all of those things as well, except the spiders. Thankfully, my kids are afraid of spider guys too! Phew!

  173. Julie says:

    Love the poop scene!!! Laughed out loud. I’m just waiting for that to happen to me. It will. Oh yes. It will.

  174. Darla says:

    My 3 year old daughter gives rocks too. I find rocks in my shoes, the car, her backpack, her bed, the toy box, etc etc etc.

  175. Darla says:

    When my son was 3, I was rearranging the bedroom to make room for my daughter’s nursery. While moving his bed, I found not 1, not 2, not even 10…but probably about 30 boogers on the wall. You know, right underneath the mattress line where you can’t see it.

    I asked him about it to which he replied, “Was making picshure on wall for you!!”

    Awww, thanks honey. A booger factory. Really. Thanks.

  176. Hannah says:

    I’ve pretty much done everything in the post-caught puke, had food spit back out of a little mouth into my hand or on my plate of food, been handed boogers, cleaned smeared poop off a cream colored carpet at a house we were visiting, been peed and pooped on many times, had creepy crawlies stuck in my face (thankfully only about once because Princess is more scared of them than I am, but I’m waiting for Little Man to get a little older…). The worse gift by far though was a few month ago when Princess left the living room to go potty. I was busy and didn’t notice right away that Little Man (around a year old at the time) was gone too. And then I heard suspicious splashing and hightailed it into the bathroom to find Princess washing her hands at the sink and…Little Man happily scooping poop out of the toilet and eating it with gusto. May I mention that he is also a messy eater. The toilet, floor, his front, feet, and face were covered. He fought tooth and nail when I tried to clean his mouth out, and his breath was so nasty the rest of the day that I had to carry him at arm’s length. I have never gagged so much at one time. And yes, I do plan on telling this story at his graduation or wedding. Maybe both.

  177. Anna says:

    You declawed your cat? You’re allowed to do that where you are?

  178. Anne G. says:

    That was the funniest thing I’ve ever read. I was literally dying laughing…until you got to the spider part. I am terrified of spiders and hope my boys never get that idea!

  179. deeda says:

    So here’s the thing, I was like THIS much bummed when I saw your real-life pic and discovered that in addition to being wickedly clever, smart and funny, you’re also decidedly pretty. I just figured that no woman could be THAT lucky, but indeed you are. I forgive you :)

    My daughter is an upchucker. She’s five now and every. single. time. she gets a cold, she throws up. And I thought I was the only lunatic mom who reflexively holds out my hands to catch it. I’m actually pretty good at reading the cues now though and can grab a bucket, plastic bag or garbage can in three seconds flat.

    Thanks for the best blog ever.

  180. Heather B says:

    OMG you’re hilarious. I seriously love you. My fave was definitely accepting the holy offering of puke, which I have yet to do but anticipate my day will come. I have, however, recently fished my son’s poop out of the bath for the first time. My question is do you then refill the tub or do you proceed with the bath? No judgment here.

  181. My son totally gives me chewed food that he takes out of his mouth with his hand. I have no idea why I still put my hand out for it. He has also given me ants.

  182. Amber Dusick says:

    I pondered that one too. It was so contained! I drained and refilled in the end.

  183. shawn says:

    A handkerchief would be classy!

  184. jacyinda says:

    This is gross, but my 4 year old brought me my own, USED sanitary napkin that she had pulled out of the trash. She unwrapped it and everything. One of the worst moments ever! She asked what it was and my husband told her it was a mouse trap! I mean, he could have come up with something better…eck, I’m still mortified!

  185. Cath says:

    I doubt it’ll be your fault – I grew up wanting to be an entomologist until I was about 12. My parents are indifferent to all bugs (well, my mom hates worms) but somehow in the last 10 years I’ve become terrified of spiders! Fears are weird.

  186. jules says:

    oh my…i feel like sobbing just reading this lol.

  187. Sarah O says:

    My daughter likes to give me sweet ‘Eskimo’ kisses with her nose… whenever she has a cold. For whatever reason, I don’t have a problem with getting poop, spit-up, vomit (yes, there is a difference), or drool all over me – but I LOATHE getting snot on me.

  188. Lucinda says:

    When my grandson was 4 he to give me rocks. They were dinosaur eggs. We had quite a collection of his “eggs” which went very well with his dinosaur obsession. We did all the usual egg stuff – checked them to see if they hatched, etc. It was a very sad day indeed when they again became rocks to him.

  189. Vanessa says:

    During late spring/early summer this year, there were caterpillars EVERYWHERE! Everyday on the way home from school, my kids would each pick one up, name it, talk to it, pet it and essentially adopt it. My 3 year old I guess dropped his, named Fluffy, on the ground and before he could stop himself, he stepped on it. Instead of leaving it there, he just had to pick it back up and brought it to me, unaware that he had just squished it. He said, “Here, mommy. For you. I think Fluffy has a boo-boo but you can kiss him better.” Gee thanks! A pretty caterpillar with green guts oozing out AND I get to kiss him!

  190. My son gave me a worm. Um, I’d rather have him hand me his poop.

  191. Hannah says:

    I was the queen of puke as a child…started off at a few months old when my dear old dad was tossing me in the air while he laid on the bed. I threw up my whole dinner in his mouth without missing a drop. He still looks grossed out when we mention this. When I was 3, I threw up in the hallway right outside my parents’ room and he came running out to see what happened and turned the hallway into a slip n’ slide. I’ve also puked on my grandparent’s cream carpet (they have a chair strategically place over that spot now) and in my grandma’s car, hitting her and her cousin in the front seat.

  192. AmberS says:

    So far I haven’t received anything too horrifying. But I do have to wonder why every mother in the world holds out her hand for the spit-out food. It’s even worse in public places where you can end up carrying it around for quite some time before you finally locate an appropriate waste receptacle. :/

  193. Krista says:

    Aaaaagghhhh

  194. Krista says:

    Poop making me gag lol. I just get boogers and rocks

  195. Rachael says:

    You’re not a Mom until you’ve caught some barf in your hands. Good times…

  196. Kristen says:

    They don’t tell you Before you have Kids all the things you would end up holding in your hand – today my daughter handed me her chewed up fruit leather and I was just telling my 4 year old how he once pooped in my hand while I was changing his diaper (much to his giggling amazement because every story with poop in it is funny to a 4 year old!)

  197. Jane says:

    My daughter is 3 1/2 now, but thankfully I’ve only had boogers, rejected food, and puke. My boyfriend is the lucky one who got the poop. He is such a good daddy!

  198. meagen robertson says:

    That was a great one. I get boggers – usually on my shirt- a great amount of rocks or as my now 4 then 3 year old calls it ” suprise ” and june bugs which are my “spiders” i can’t stand junebugs or crickets and i have two boys that love them both and offer them to me .

  199. Hilarious!! With 2 kiddos under 5yrs, I get handed nasty things all day long, and your illustrations are so on point, I love them! So glad I found this awesome blog. We’re expecting another baby in Feb, so I went to your shop in search of a wooden lovely such as our much loved hedgehog you made for my daughter a couple of years ago. And I see you’re in hibernation. Good for you. Me too. :) I’ve signed up to be notified when (if?) you return. Hope you’re having a wonderful time!!

  200. diana says:

    This also happened to my brother who decided to play airplane with my 7 month old son who’d just eaten. I did warn him that tossing a baby about after feeding isn’t a good idea…but yeah…my son totally spit up in my brother’s mouth.

  201. diana says:

    wow your cat learned to sit on mice to kill them? That’s amazing…I love that your kid thanked you for the new toy!

  202. sandy says:

    Years ago I was emptying pockets of jeans that belonged to my 3 boys . Lo and behold one of them had left something behind. A dead frog! Ewwww!!!!!!!! To this day I have no idea if it was already dead before being stored in the pocket or the poor thing expired in the pocket. Even though they are now adults they’re still not talking. Took many years before I could comfortably explore pockets again.

  203. Samantha says:

    I LOVE your illustrations! too funny!

  204. Kris says:

    I still have to do that with my almost 2 1/2 year old daughter after one too many poop on the wall/in the bed/on her face incidents… Good thing that they make those in her size still…

  205. Wyn says:

    My sister found a scorched almond in her bed. Being a chocoholic who eats before she thinks, she popped it in her mouth. She then realised it was not a scorched almond but a little gift her baby son had left in her bed. Ewww!

  206. Kimberly says:

    An ant that was “broken” by my middle child.

  207. BigMama says:

    Preface: my daughter was a preemie with terrible GI problems. She threw up at least once a night for months. I used to wear a sports bra specifically so that when (not if) she puked on me at 3am (and I was half dead due to exhaustion after having slept in the recliner holding her upright for a week straight) I could simply hold open my shirt, and let it all pool in the snuggly fitting “bag” of a bra. It was disgusting, but soooo much better than cleaning the carpet every night.

  208. Liz says:

    My 3yo and 5yo are cracking up laughing at this post as I read it to them!

  209. Helen Neale says:

    Utterly, utterly brilliant. I am new to your blog thanks to a bit of media coverage this week. And I love the pictures, and the humour. Thankfully my DS (4) is obsessed with ladybirds, and hands those to me regularly…if it was a spider, then I suspect a similar reaction would greet them as it greeted ur son and terribly unsympathetic husband!

  210. Kelly K says:

    My 18 month old daughter pointed to a fly buzzing at the window and said “tana” (short for sultana. Then someone managed to catch it! I intervened just in time. It’d be a toss up for me between the fly and the cockroach – both so so disgusting!

  211. Marianne says:

    You’re right, spiders just have one set of legs too many for me. I was handed a still wriggling tail off a skink. I’m hoping that it was the cat who ate the rest of it, not my son.

  212. Julie says:

    My son once put cat puke in his mouth that I had to pull up. Yuck!

  213. Ligia says:

    My 5 year old girl proudly brought to our kitchen door a dead, bloody, half decapitate mouse – holding it up to me by its tail… and the neighborhood kids that suggested she show it to me and followed her to see my reaction got what I can only assume was the amusing show they were hoping for….

    After calming down, proper disposal and vigorous hand washing, I called my husband at work to tell him what had happened. He was in a meeting and upon hearing his side of the conversation, his coworkers snarkily said “cats bring dead mice all the time…” to which my husband replied, “we don’t have a cat – it was our 5 year old daughter”…. the conference room erupted in peals of laughter…

  214. I like spiders. I think they are gorgeous.

  215. Sarah says:

    My baby is only 3 months, so too young to be giving me “gifts” just yet, but when my nephew was a baby, he used to pull fuzzies off his blanket, stuff them up his nose, then pull them out and offer them to us. :)

    Now he’s 14 and dating, and we have our payback every time we choose to share this story with girls he brings over…

  216. Janette says:

    I am not sad to say that I haven’t yet had to catch puke or poop. However, I’m with you on the spiders. Not even a week ago, my youngest daughter, about to turn 2, came up to me and said “Beeeee!” (this is her word for any type of bug). She usually points them out to me and sometimes it’s just a piece of fuzz. This time, however, she decided it would be a good idea to pick up said “bee” and bring it over to me. Well, it was NOT a bee at all – it had 8 legs – and I do NOT do spiders. The problem is that my husband was not at home to do the dirty work. Luckily, since my daughter doesn’t understand what it means to be gentle, it was squished and probably had a quick and painless death. But before I realized it was dead, she caught the look of fear on my face and the gasp in my breath. The next day, when she was trying to show me a “bee” that was on the garbage can when I’d asked her to throw something out. I moved in to inspect, couldn’t see what she was pointing at, and upon a close-up inspection, jumped back in horror when I finally spotted the 8-legged beast. She remembered my fear from the day before, and coupled with my even better reaction this time, she immediately broke out into a long, loud, screamy-cry. I grabbed a shoe, smashed the giant hairy beast, and told her it’s ok, it’s dead, it won’t get her.

    Yeah, I don’t do spiders either. YUK.

    She also likes to reach inside her diaper (like inside, inside) and pull out clumps of the little pee-absorbing gel bits, and she hands them to me and says “ucky” or “peeeeee!”

    Aside from that, I now get boogers from my 3 year old daughter because she’s scared of them. She picks her nose and starts crying when she sees a booger on the end of her finger, and tells me to get it off because she “doesn’t want it there.”

  217. Marta says:

    I hate spiders too, I completely sympathize. I would do a very similar dance.

  218. Vriesea says:

    “Is that funny or bad?” perfectly sums up the toddler dilemma. I’m pretty sure they spend all day trying to decide whether the next fun/funny idea they have also falls under the bad category. And then if they don’t know, fun wins out, of course!

  219. Hilarious!! Thanks for the laugh (again)! I don’t have a fear of spiders but I have my own crazy idiosyncrasies (like people sitting on or putting their feet on my pillow) so I totally get the chasing around he house thing. It’s just plain mean!

    Michelle
    Latest blog post:
    http://www.ripple-effect-coaching.com/1/post/2011/09/ripple-effect-blog-giveaway-win-two-of-bren-browns-books.html

  220. Heather B says:

    I just about peed on myself laughing.

  221. Bethany says:

    Oh I had that too, I wondered why my nappy bag was so heavy and found a rock in it. Little beggar!

  222. Heidi says:

    I was once handed me a dead, mummified, dessicated frog, covered in carpet fluff. I actually had to stare at it sitting there on my palm for a good ten seconds before my brain registered what it was.

  223. I love this article! Well its kinda funny. Some people are really afraid of spiders.

  224. sarah says:

    i had a teacher do that. in 3rd grade a boy went up to the teacher and was trying to tell her that he was going to throw up. well she didn’t know what he was saying and then he started throwing up and she instinctively put her hands out to catch it.
    But that only made it more messy because it was not only on the floor, but it splashed off her hands and some got in like 3 other kids hair and on their clothes. lol it was crazy.

  225. sarah says:

    when i was about 6 or 7 years old i collected rocks sometimes if they looked cool. i thought they would be worth money and in school they teach you that rocks can be expensive or whatever. i dont know lol.

  226. Amanda Bates says:

    Me, too! My daughter is 12 now, but when she was an infant, she spit up while I was laying on the floor holding her up over me to “fly”. Erp! Right in my mouth. Yuck!

  227. Cherene says:

    When my son was about 2 he was drinking milk from a 250ml carton. He gave it to me because he didn’t want anymore. When I took a swig it was not milk but spit. Loads of thick slimmy spit after drinking milk. Most discusting thing I ever drank.

  228. Bonnie says:

    I thought I was doing something nice for my best friends children and bought them bath bombs. You know the pretty smelling, bubbling, fizzing, sometimes full of sparkles, bath bombs. So my best friend decided to add one to her one and a half year old’s bath for the first time. This kid LOVES baths but oddly he has a shorter then normal bath. He looks at the fizzy and isn’t overly interested. He wants out almost as soon as the water is finished running. So she takes him out, pulls the plug and lets the water drain while drying him off. He then takes off for the made naked post bath dash. She looks over into the tub and sees something by the drain. It must be the last of the bath bomb. So she reaches in to grab it. It squishes between her fingers. It’s the last time I’ll buy a bath bomb that resembles any shade of brown (even golden sparkles). It turns out the rush to get out of the tub was because junior pooped and my poor best friend squished it between her fingers thinking it was a left over bath bomb.

  229. Miranda says:

    Like many others my daughter shares the rock obsession. Which is fine. Until.It.Was NOT.A.Rock. We are on a walk I see her pick up what is decidedly fossilized dog turd and run towards her screaming, “EWWWW…NOOOOOOOOO…” It was too late. She inspected it like she does all of her favorite items- with her mouth. The look of disgust once she tasted it must have rivaled my look of disgust when she spit it out and put it in my hand. Yes my outstretched-palm up-waiting to catch-empty hand. WHY do we do this??? It was OUTSIDE she could have dropped it!

  230. JoAnna says:

    Ok, I just laughed so hard I cried. Thank you!!

  231. Sara says:

    I picked up what I thought was a rock out of the bathwater and it turned out to be poop! I was totally grossed out!

  232. best post yet!!!!!!!!!! I’m so nauseous and sick from this pregnancy (2nd), but i was dying laughing reading this!!! reading this blog reminds me that parenting is a hilarious occupation (even if only after the fact we realize it). beacause as sick as i’ve been feeling, i’ve been doing alot of “why did we want another child????!!!!

  233. Clair says:

    LOLOLOLOLOL! I absolutely HATE, LOATH, DESPISE, (insert synonym for hate here) spiders. I probably would’ve ran screaming into the next state!

  234. Jill says:

    OMG. I literally just cried with laughter! The deuce in the tub is the worst. You look down, and yes, you’re holding poop. Good LORD it’s hard to be a parent!

  235. Cristin says:

    My son recently “gifted” me with my own salad.
    About a week ago, while eating at a local restaurant, my husband, my 3-1/2-year-old son, both my in-laws and I were enjoying our dinner away from home. The typical discussions ensued, “What did you get?…Do you like your meal?…How was your day?…” While completely engrossed in conversation, none of the adults at the table noticed the 3-1/2-year-old chow-hound seated to my right (I’ll admit, it wasn’t my most observant moment. Must get my Mommy-senses checked!) So, after consuming a dinner roll from Daddy’s plate, a hot dog WITH half the bun, two giant pickle spears (which arrived on his plate thanks to the generous waitress who caved at his comment, “I weally, weally LOVE pickles”), every black olive from each salad at the table and a hearty serving of chocolate milk, it may come as no surprise to you…my son started to complain that his tummy hurt. No sooner did the comment escape his lips than his dazed, I’m-going-to-expel-the-contents-of-my-stomach-in-five-four-three-two-one-look swept over his little face. With little to no time to react, I grabbed the only “tool” available…the bowl containing my dinner salad, which I had only half eaten at that point. So, of course sparing you the miserable details, into the bowl goes the contents of his stomach. After about half a minute of monitoring, my son looks at me and says, “Here you go Mommy. I’m not gonna “grow-up” anymore. I don’t want your salad. It’s gross. YOU can have it.” Umm. Thanks!? Thanks for the “gift”!!
    To add to the experience, and to give you an accurate visual, I must say this was THE BEST… There I was, walking to the restroom, tarnished salad bowl in one hand (while being as discrete as possible, of course), recovering pre-schooler in the other, who by the way was not as discrete as I would have liked. With his elevated and more-than-mildly amused – and perhaps a bit proud – voice which gave detailed accounts of his experience to anyone willing to listen, “I growed-up in that bowl!” Having our waitress take immediate notice of the 10-inch salad bowl, which was now covered by an open dinner napkin draped carefully over the top, as I slyly maneuvered it behind my leg, which was now partially propping the door to the restroom, as she hesitantly asked, “Everything…okay…??????” (I cannot imagine what she must’ve been thinking. She sounded as mortified as I felt.) My son, shouting a play-by-play over the sound of the self-flushing (and excessively loud, I might add) toilet, as I eliminated all evidence of “the gift” into it. Returning to our table with an empty salad bowl (sanitized, as much as possible, by the hot water, hand soap and paper towels available in the restroom). Listening to my husband and in-laws comments about “hearing EVERYTHING” spoken in the restroom as they gawked incredulously at me. It was…THE BEST. Never in my life have I wanted to Dine-N-Dash like I did that night.

    Dear Lord, I hope they threw out that salad bowl!

  236. Corin says:

    I’ve gotten a previously tasted…yes, tasted pooh nugget that had gone wayward in the night from a diaper changing for my then 2yr old. While playing in his room and he discovered it and was unsure of what it was so tasted it… it must not have tasted very good so he called to me in handed the now slippery pooh peice to me where it slid and then stuck to my hand as I tried to figure out what it was. After gagging we then proceeded to the bathroom to scrub teeth, hands and take a bath. The grossest!

  237. Indigo says:

    my daughter actually THREW UP IN MY MY MOUTH once! i know, it sounds ridiculous. it was. we were co-sleeping, she woke up in the middle of the night and started throwing up. i gasped right next to her face and lo and behold. she threw up INTO my mouth. do i take the cake, for the grossest “gift”? {i LOVE this blog by the way, it makes all the craziness of mothering seem absolutely hilarious!!!}

  238. carolyn says:

    Spiders???? Wait till they chase you with those great BIG grasshoppers that thud on your chest when they fly into you. Or even better still,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Garden snakes. Peed my pants more than once. LOVE your site

  239. Meg's says:

    Luckily it was my husband that was ‘gifted’ from a tag team gift from our generous cat and 2 year old son. My hubbie was lightly napping on the couch after a long night shift and woke up to our son saying ‘mouse-y, mouse-y’. As he slowly woke up, he could feel something soft on his lips and realized our son had found a 1/2 eaten shrew generously dropped by our front door by the cat, and was now holding it by the tail trying to drop its headless body into my husband mouth. If you never heard a grown man yell like a 12 year old girl, this was it! LOL My lucky stars it was not me this once:)

  240. Melanie says:

    I have had the boogers and all that yummy stuff. It’s hilarious that how when your child goes to puke you immediately put your hands out to catch. Why? Who knows lol And with the boogers it always seems that if I don’t extend my hand to accept this treasured gift it ends up on the kitchen counter or wall trim and my daughter laughing and when I go to remove this gift from the wall or other part of our house she freaks and yells at me for doing such an unjust thing. lol

  241. DianeMargaret says:

    Worst thing she ever “gifted” was poop!
    I was cooking, so didn’t notice the diaper come off, then she walks up beside me and plops a giant turd on the counter and says “It stinky!”. No kidding it’s stinky! It was REALLY stinky that she took the opportunity, of me taking the turd to the bathroom (I thought she was right behind me), to take the stick of butter off the counter and smear it all over the cupboards & floor!!! (You want REALLY gross? I took a picture of it, right there on my counter! I figured my husband wouldn’t believe me…I really think that, before that, he thought I made these things up!!!)
    I don’t consider our everyday routine of picking up EVERY stick along our walk, gross! After all, I had a border collie that did the same thing…and you BETTER not put them down…they’ll just pick it up again. Like I dropped it or something!
    So, I’m USE to looking like I want for a walk expressly to gather firewood! THIS one doesn’t phase me much but it IS annoying!

  242. Julie Vila says:

    My boys dug up from the backyard a toothbrush shaped like a naked man.

    On my birthday they brought it in and put toothpaste on it so I could use it. I will take a booger any day over a naked man toothbrush.

  243. Joanna says:

    I don’t know if I’m crying/laughing at your original post which is hysterical or the comments that it has sparked. Excellent, what a laugh!

  244. yehudite says:

    When my son was 2 he had an obsession with worms. I HATE worms. After a perfect afternoon rain he was delighted to go outside and play with the worms on the sidewalk. He picked two of them up and ran up to me, swinging the worms in circles right in front of my face. One of the worms broke in half, and yup, you guessed it. Landed on my cheek. Presents…

  245. Tina says:

    LOL Im so glad my kids are just as scared of bugs as I am so they will never chase me with a bug. all the rest I can totally relate to. this made me laugh til tears came out of my eyes. thanks for posting! THE DRAWINGS were hilarious too! :D loved it

  246. Sarah P says:

    My then-2-yr old once thought he was being helpful when he picked up the bottom half of a mouse our cat had left on the front door step and tossed it into my lap. “Here you go mama!”

  247. Veronica says:

    Our daughter likes to surprise me in the shower. I watch her intently the entire time to ensure her safety, while she plays with the water and her toys in the shower with me. Then, for three seconds I close my eyes to rinse shampoo out of my hair. Somehow, in those three seconds, 2 LARGE turds appear on the shower floor next to her. Gross. And then, I have no choice but to pick them each up with my hands and toss them into the toilet before they become smashed into the tile in the shower by her cute little feet. Grosss. And cute somehow. :)

  248. stasi says:

    I just read this post yesterday afternoon. Then last night my son choked on his dinner and sure enough, I went straight for catching the upchuck with my hand. BUT I remembered this post and thought WTH AM I DOING??? and grabbed the napkins sitting right there. When those ran out, I let him soak himself while rubbing his back comfortingly. Thanks for permission to “wash my hands” of that particular habit!

  249. Jen W says:

    I just reread this today (following the link on your Halloween 2012 post) and died laughing AGAIN! Just as funny the second time around :)

  250. Jamie says:

    I know this is an old entry, but I just read it and had to say: “You can never wash off a spider.” TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN, SISTER.

  251. Christina says:

    Thank god I’m not alone! My “gift” was the vomit.. in my lap.. on my pants.. hubby was 0 help.. didn’t take crappy baby from me so I could change my pants & I was sitting on our bed.. spiders don’t bother me though, just vomit.. Or at least it used to freak me out.. I’ve become desensitized to it now.. but the first time it happened was a surprise.. just hoped on my lap & let it out..

  252. Bernice says:

    Its nice to know that I’m not the only Mama that instinctively puts out both hands to catch the puke…

  253. B J says:

    My son once handed me a dead bird that the neighbor’s cat had killed. Good times!

  254. Laura says:

    I’ve caught vomit on numerous occasions and though it’s bad, it’s never as bad as a spider…

  255. Jamie says:

    ive had such a good puke “gift” that it looked like i took a shower in it, except i had a dry outline of where i had been holding my son…

    Love this site/blog also lol its great

  256. Irina says:

    My one year old once projectile vomited IN MY FACE. I barely had time to close my mouth.

  257. Matilda says:

    I’ve gotten a snail, a slug, EWWWW!!!

  258. Aaron says:

    I have an 8 yr old. When he gets ordered to tidy his room, he ends up finding those random little knick knacks that he can’t figure out what to do with.

    Guess who gets given them as gifts?
    Guess who gets a sad little puppy face if I don’t act all enthusiastic about something he picked up off the pavement 2 years ago?

    I have an official shelf in my room for them. :-/

  259. Sadie says:

    OMG Amber, you are just SO funny. I can’t get over how straight-up spot-on your comedic timing and writing style are. In every post.

    Seriously. Comedy writers should study you.

  260. Heather Velez says:

    As I read these I am dying…on the inside, very quietly, while I get to enjoy my first cup of coffee of the day in peace. Happens about once a month. Hubby had to be at work early so my three children under 3 are still quiet little angels in their beds. Thank you for starting my day off so wonderfully and giving me hope that I too can do this. :)

  261. Sara says:

    My daughter surprised me with a “gift” the other day so I had to find this post to comment about it. She came up to me sweetly, quietly, puckering…stuck both pointer fingers in my mouth (now that i’m typing this I’m wondering how it all seemed to happen so fast)…pried my mouth open (How was i not suspicious at this point?)…and deposited her chewed up warm slimy green bean INTO MY MOUTH.

    note to self…be suspicious of unsolicited kisses.

  262. Lisa says:

    Ok, my son gives me a rock from the playground everyday when I pick him up from daycare. I put it in my rock collection conveniently kept next to the driveway! I don’t know what I’ll do if we ever move. I’ll have to take half of the gravel with us!

  263. Renee says:

    Love it! My most recent gift amongst the array of boogers, was a fat wooden stick, which on closer inspection was actually cat poop! No that’s a smell that is not easily removed!

  264. Christine says:

    I am a terrible mom. I’ve done all the puke catching, poop catching, washing poop off walls (and out of speakers), etc. and now that my daughter is older, I get my revenge. Whenever she’s standing around and I need a napkin, I use the back of her shirt. She thinks I’m patting her on the back, but I’m not. Let’s be clear – it’s not anything gross, I do love my child, but once in a while…

  265. Malahat Kizilbash says:

    Ridonkulously funny! I remember my oldest (who is now 15) being very considerate at 2. After picking his booger, he offerred to ‘put it back’ after seeing me panic because I was out kleenex (used or unused), receipts, paper, anything(!) while we were driving back from school :)

  266. Keri says:

    I don’t have children and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your blog! I’m LOL right now alone in my house. My cats think I’m crazy. :p

  267. Kitten Angel says:

    My Child was about 5 years old, and he gave me a dead black widow, I thought it was alive so you would know that I would scream but it was like this: ” HYFIRJHUNJKFHUIGJDFRUIHJ BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ” or something like that.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>