Do Not Display Competence

Remember our Crappy Couch?

Well, I got a couch cover for my birthday! Yay!

The couch cover sat there leaning up against the crappy couch for a day. Then another day. Then two weeks went by.

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In the lifetime of our couch, we’ve removed the covers (to wash them) twice. It took both of us and all our patience and strength to do it.

I knew I needed Crappy Husband’s help. This was a two-person job.

But time kept on flying by and there never seemed to be a moment when we were both available.

So one day, I took off one of the seat covers and opened the new cover box and found this:

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Seriously. WTF?

But since the old cushion cover was already off I might as well put the new one on. I’m certainly not going to put the old one back on.

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And after a mighty struggle using every one of my limbs and my teeth at one point (for the zipper) I did it!

Crappy Husband walked in then:

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And I realized I had made a huge, huge mistake.

I had displayed competence.

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I did it all by myself. Without him. This means that I am able to do it all by myself. Without him.

Which means he will probably never, ever help me change the damn cushion covers again for the rest of our lives.

We’ve joked about this “displaying competence” phenomenon for years and it goes both ways.

Just recently Crappy Husband said, “Oh no, I’ve displayed competence!” after he gave Crappy Dog a bath all by himself. Now that he has asserted himself as dog washing pro, why would he need me to help? Right? Right.

Crappy Marriage Advice: Do NOT display competence on joint projects or you’ll be on your own next time.

 

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Marriage: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures (THE BOOK) comes out December 30th, 2014! This story isn’t in it. The stories in it are better! While the deadline for pre-ordering and getting a signed bookplate by Christmas/Hanukkah is over, you CAN still pre-order and get a signed bookplate. It just won’t arrive before the holidays. It will arrive when it feels like it. (Actually, I don’t know when they’ll be shipping them, probably not until January? I’ll try to find out. Those of you who have already pre-ordered, thank you so much!)

bookplate-marriage-preorder

#1. Preorder today through December 29, 2014 from the following OR from where ever you can find the book for sale!! These are only suggestions. (logos will take you right to the book)

Amazonlogo      BarnesNoble_logo

bam     Indigo

    Available_on_the_iBookstore_Badge_US-UK_146x40_0824         google-play                 

Target         

 

#2. Then fill out this form.

Offer valid for US & Canada addresses (excl. Quebec). (I still love you, Quebec and the rest of the world, not my rules, sorry.) Limited quantities. 

Thank you for supporting this blog!!!

 

Posted in book, Crappy Papa, marriage | 64 Comments

I Don’t Understand Exercising

So I don’t really get exercising. Let’s take running, for example. It’s popular. You don’t need to buy equipment or be exceptionally coordinated or talented to do it. But I don’t get it. Why should I do it?

Endorphin high, you say? Sure, that happens. But you have to work super hard to get there. Sweatness and tiredness and boringness and time. Then you reach the endorphin high.

But you know what? I can get an endorphin high from one bite of chocolate. All I have to do is put it in my mouth. Boom! Endorphin high. I can skip the pain and suffering of exercising completely and just use chocolate to get the same result.

So nobody can sell me exercise based on that endorphin high bullshit.

There has to be a better reason. Health? Ah yes, there it is.

Back when we first got Crappy Dog I thought he’d be the answer to my exercise needs. Every morning I’d take him on a walk!

That dog embodies the opposite of exercise.

This is what it is like going on a “walk” with him.

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He stops and sniffs a plant.

Five minutes go by.

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He walks four feet!! And he sniffs another plant. But sometimes it gets exciting. Sometimes he decides that the plant is worthy and he pees on it. Riveting.

So the dog is good for leisurely strolls around the neighborhood where I stop and smell the roses and talk to neighbors. He is not good for exercise.

I decide to try out running again.

In my past attempts, “running” for me just meant walking.

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At least until a car drove by…

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Then I’d quickly pick up the pace and pretend that I was actually doing exercise:

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But this time, I’m gonna stick with it! At least until I reach the runner’s high thing. So I can see what all the fuss it about.

After three weeks, I’m running more and walking less.

(Oh, a detail I should mention – my house is on the top of a hill so no matter which way I go, half of the way is uphill. Which is brutal because I’m already tired from the first half.)

So one day I decide that I’m going to keep running up that hill. I’m not going to stop and walk. I WILL jog up the whole hill.

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I’m feeling pretty smug about my excellent progress when I hear footsteps behind me.

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It’s an older man with a little pot belly. Like Santa in the off-season.

And then. And then!

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He passes me. Easily. Effortlessly. Going UP the hill. Damn.

It’s one of those life-changing moments.

But.

I arrive back home to my front door and…

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I feel the elusive endorphin high. I feel great! Despite the humiliation of being passed by Santa, I feel wonderful!

I finally understand it! I can’t wait to get up the next morning and do this again!

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No matter how long I stick with it, chocolate* is still easier.

 

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*Don’t listen to me and just eat chocolate for your sole form of exercise. That might actually be bad advice.

If you want good advice, it would be to pre-order my marriage book because laughing is a form of exercise. Probably.

There is a bit about exercise in the Health & Hygiene chapter but not much because, um, I’m just not very good at it.

You can pre-order the book now through November 17th, 2014 (one week left!) and get a hand-signed bookplate that will arrive before the holidays. Book comes out December 30th, 2014. There is a little more about the book on this page.

How it works…

#1. Preorder today through November 17th, 2014 from the following OR from where ever you can find the book for sale!! These are only suggestions to help you. (logos will take you right to the book)

Amazonlogo      BarnesNoble_logo

bam     Indigo

    Available_on_the_iBookstore_Badge_US-UK_146x40_0824         google-play                 

Target         

 

#2. Then fill out this form.

Offer valid for US & Canada addresses (excl. Quebec). Limited quantities. 

Then you will receive a handy dandy, signed bookplate sticker in the mail in time for the holidays!

Thank you!!

 

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PS – although not eligible for the bookplate, the book is on AmazonUK and also on Book Depository, which offers free shipping worldwide for those of you in far off corners of the world. Thank you!!

PPS – No, I don’t have anything against Quebec. I’m guessing my publisher excluded it because of strict giveaway laws there. I’ve heard that’s a thing. It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t sit in front of my computer thinking, “I want make everyone in Quebec feel left out so let’s exclude them, he he he.” Sorry if you thought that. 

Posted in book, exercising, Uncategorized | 53 Comments