Imaginary Knife Fight

Based on the title of this post you might guess that it is going to be about Crappy Boy and Crappy Baby. It isn’t.

The backstory to this post is that Crappy Papa and I watched Kill Bill again recently. If you haven’t seen it, there is a lot of fighting. Like in a good way. Badass fighting by Uma Thurman. She is amazing. I’d totally hit that. (Well, at least if I swung that way which I unfortunately don’t. My swing wasn’t built that way. Sorry Uma. I know you’re crushed.)

Anyway, after I watch movies like this something happens to me. I start feeling badass. And pretending I’m badass. I don’t actually do anything different. I just start fantasizing about having a Hattori Hanzo sword and knowing kung fu.



So I am thinking about how badass I am while I chop a carrot in the kitchen.

Crappy Papa enters.

So I say:


I boldly announce that I’ve always wanted to have a knife fight.

After being together for thirteen years, it is hard to surprise or impress Crappy Papa. He already knows everything about me. But sometimes I try.

He says, “Oh yeah?” incredulously and with one eyebrow raised.

I turn to face him. To look him in the eye and communicate how serious I am.


He smirks.

And then he asks:


He asks me about knife slashing.

I reply:


He immediately starts laughing and asks:


I scowl at him. He is making fun of me! Can’t he see how badass I am?

Laughing, he says:


A stabbing?


You mean I’ve just accidentally admitted that I’ve always wanted to stab someone?

Well, that isn’t badass. That is scary.


Scary IS badass.

So I turn up the scary.


His laughter falters and he slinks out of the kitchen.


Totally badass.




No husbands were injured in the real life situation that lead to the making of this post.

Also, this blog won a 2013 Bloggies award for Best Parenting or Family Weblog. Huge thanks to to all of you who voted. Have I mentioned lately how I’m still in awe about the whole “people read my blog” thing? This must sound crazy considering I have a book coming out tomorrow. (Which is even more difficult to believe. Is that really happening? For real, for real? Wow.) But it’s true. I don’t take any of this for granted. You guys are amazing. 

Sigh. Nothing in the above paragraph sounded badass at all. I’ve lost it already. 

Oh and if you’ve heard others saying they’ve received the book already, yes, one of the retailers accidentally shipped a batch of books out a week early. Some leaked out.<—That’s what she said.


This entry was posted in crappy papa, crappy pictures, husband versus wife, pretend. Bookmark the permalink.

159 Responses to Imaginary Knife Fight

  1. Hyacinth says:

    You are badass. Don’t let anyone kid you.

  2. Hahahah I am *so* glad I’m not the only one who suddenly becomes bad ass after watching action movies!

    • Alison says:

      Ditto. heh. My favorite is watching Star Wars then spending the next couple of days totally controlling things with The Force.

        • Jamie H. says:

          Alison – I’m with you – I have one grocery store (who knows why its just that one) that I always wave my hand and pretend I’m Obi Won to make it open – we all thought that was so cool in the movie…never thinking that all automatic doors do that. But, when I do it at the grocery, I am cool. (in my own head 😉

          • Christine says:

            I do have the force! It usually works best when I am sitting and there is something on the other side of the room (like my glass of water) and I really want it. I look at my husband and then at the glass and it gets into my hand without me having to get up. I always joke that I have the powers of the force and he doesn’t. It works much better when I’m pregnant I find. 🙂

          • Christiana says:

            To this DAY I still make BBSSSHH sound when I turn on a flashlight. Because I am a Jedi badass.

      • Annie says:

        This is why we have video games…I get to be a bad ass all the time!

    • I watched all the seasons of Alias, in a row, for many, many months…and every time I’d walk in the parking garage in my heels, to or from my old office in LA, I def walked with an air of badass. I really truly thought I was as badass as Sydney Bristow. I even wanted to join the CIA so I could wear wigs and speak in funny accents (um, totally not realistic, I found). Glad I’m not the only one too!!

    • Kelly says:

      Me too! After action movies I’m so badass “in my own head” that there are intruders invading the upsairs to my house and I duck in and out of doors. Well at least until I am caught by my hubby and asked what the hell I’m doing. LOL

  3. Brittany Jimenez says:

    “That’s what she said.” Totally badass.

  4. Sheila Bunker says:

    I totally whistle “the tune” while walking down the halls at the hospital I work at…… make me smile a little inside when I do!

    • Jen says:

      My sister can’t whistle so I do the whistle from that movie and she is in awe and gets me to do it over and over again LOL Lets just say whistling that at Christmas time is a bit messed up 🙂

  5. Scarlett Bracey says:

    I totally do that too. I walk around the house pretending to do back flips and shoot everybody. One day my kids will think its hilarious. . . or really weird.

  6. Nikki says:

    “some leaked out…that’s what she said”

    Can’t stop laughing now! As always, thanks for the good times and I look forward to buying your book and copies for all my friends who are about to become parents. They truly have no idea what they’re in for….

  7. Cassi O. says:

    that’s what she said…yes.

  8. mindy says:

    just found you a few days ago. GREAT BLOG. funny stories. and i love the pics. your lamenting is universal.

  9. Gaylin says:

    You are a total badass, that is why I voted for you!

  10. Grace Elton says:

    Cannot wait to get your book tomorrow! I have been counting down the days 🙂

  11. Mandie M says:

    OH!!! It comes out tomorrow?!?!? HOORAY!!!! I pre-ordered it for my nook! I’m so excited!!

    PS – TOTALLY relate to the bad ass feeling after watching a movie like that. Have you ever felt like you could be a spy, or a lawyer, or Bella Swan? Because I have.

    • Katie says:

      It isn’t hard to be Bella Swan. You just need to find a man. Let him become everything in your world, to the point that when he leaves you, you crumble into a little heap of nothing, because without your man, you are indeed nothing. Oh, and don’t smile.

  12. Julie says:

    Book leakage – don’t they make a pill for that? Hey! You wrote a book! If the worst thing that happens is book leakage, you’re all right.

  13. Jillian says:

    I thought I was the only one who did that after watching movies! I walk around thinking I’m all tough shit and daydream about climbing walls.

  14. Sara says:

    That is the funniest “that’s what she said” and most appropriate for moms I’ve ever heard. It is so sadly true. Boob leakage, pee leakage. Ugh, becoming a mom has increased the leakage. Sorry ’bout the book leakage though.

  15. Jennifer says:

    Love the Kill Bill movies too!!! If my third child had been a girl, her name would have been Beatrix after Uma’s character in Kill bill 1 & 2. Instead my boy is named Tyler after Tyler Durden in Fight Club….another favorite bad ass movie of ours. :).

  16. Meghann says:

    Sigh, I wish Kindle leaked the book a week early! 😉 Can’t wait for tomorrow!

  17. Taryn says:

    This is so true! I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon last weekend and I was balancing on the rooftops for a few days. 😉

  18. Becky R. says:

    I totally thought you were going to start throwing carrots at each other. I’m a little disappointed.

  19. Barbara says:

    Before my husband and I had kids, I had studied karate for 17 years and had a black belt (yeah, haven’t had time SINCE bearing said offspring). So when I feel badass, he KNOWS I could actually kick his ass. You know, if I wanted to. Or you know, had energy to. 🙂 (No husbands were injured for this post, either. Just clarifying.)

  20. Bethany says:

    I’m right there with you! Well maybe not the stabbing people part but I always love to imagine myself as some tough, badass. Sometimes I imagine having super powers or just having crazy mad skills. I even think, yeah, I’m totally going to take martial arts and learn to kick ass! But I don’t, we’ll I took an aikido class once but I didn’t stick with it long enough to get good or do anything we learned at all. Someday, yes someday, I will roam back alleys slaying vampires.

  21. Shir says:

    Bahahahahahahaa … You secretly are a ninja. A stabbing ninja. One that is super cool and writes blogs and has kids.
    Crappy ninja. Woot woot

  22. Pat says:

    I’m not much of a fighter, but I drive like a maniac after watching any movie with a chase scene. And I think I could totally fit two car seats in a Mini Cooper just like Charlize Theron’s in The Italian Job.

    • teagansmomma says:


      • Robonanny says:

        Yup. My sister and I looked at each other at the end of “Gone In 60 Seconds” to see who was going to get to drive home. She won 🙁

        Her husband didn’t have his licence at that point, and he totally didn’t get how pumped we were by the movie!

  23. Sara says:

    Take a kick boxing class. It always makes me feel super-badass! Even if everyone I’m beating up is imaginary, it still feels badass!

  24. Jen says:

    I’ve seen this happen to my husband! A few Christmas seasons ago, we were watching the Bourne Supremacy after the kids went to bed. During the movie, we hear a lot of racket in our front yard followed by a car peeling out. Turns out someone teenager (we think) had broken our light-up deer on the lawn. As SOON as my husband sees what has happened, he runs to the garage, and squeals out of the driveway in his Rav4, tearing down the street to find these hoodlums. Total badass, right? 😉

    I nonchalantly called non-emergency police to report what had happened. The dispatcher asked if we had a description of the car. I said no, but perhaps shortly, since my husband had just peeled out of the driveway like Jason Bourne to find the culprits. She and I both started laughing.

    (He never did catch them, but he sure felt powerful. LOL!!)

  25. Carol says:

    Why couldn’t it have been MY retailer that accidentally leaked your book?! The anticipation is driving me crazy! 😀

    • Monica says:

      yeah.. or why couldn’t the leaked shipment end up here in South Africa!! Already added the book to my wishlist on some weeks ago, I just wish I can ORDER it already!!

  26. Anne says:

    Um, are we evil twins? I watched both Kill Bills with my husband last week, looked at him very seriously and said “I want to kick the shit out of someone before I die. Just once. I want to beat someone up Uma style.” He looked…concerned.

  27. Marianne H. says:

    So awesome. I pretty much feel that way any time I see something with a chick that kicks ass. Kill Bill (obvi.), La Femme Nikita, Long Kiss Goodnight, Tomb Raider…..I remember leaving the theater after seeing Natural Born Killers and wanting to talk my boyfriend into a life on the lam from the law. I wanted to wear floppy hats and short shorts and big Doc Martins and stomp on people that made me mad…. But then I remembered I had a hair appointment the next day I didn’t want to miss…..

  28. patty says:

    my husband gave out imitation hatori hanzo swords to his groomsmen when we got married – you should get one and really scare the pants off your husband 😀

  29. Rosanne says:

    I studied martial arts, too, and have often speculated about how I’d take out my (much larger) husband. He knows I could, too! But–as he pointed out when I sent him your post–if I did it while we were making dinner, I’d be stuck doing the dishes, so…yeah, he’s safe!

    Awesome post!

  30. Julie Jensen says:

    Another AWESOME post. Hubby and I saw This is 40 and the wife talked about if she were to kill her husband it would be slowly with rat poison over a few months so she could take care of him in his last days. Well during that scene I turned to hubby and was like “I would totally do it that way too. You would be so sweet to me then” lol. Don’t worry. I don’t ACTUALLY intend on it, but it was just a funny moment we shared

  31. Steph says:

    lmfao love it … my hubby and I are like that. Can’t wait for your book!

    PS – I love the last comment 😉

  32. Emma says:

    silly silly husbands who mock wives with knives…. 😉

  33. Angela says:

    I do that too. I think that somehow I’ve gained the skills necessary to kick someone’s butt (you know, because the movie made me totally qualified and stuff)

  34. Jessica says:

    My SIL often shares that she “feels stabby” and no one better mess with her today. You’re not alone.

  35. lara butera says:

    EVERY time there’s a movie like that on I inevitably ask him if he thinks I’d be a good : spy, kickboxer, street fighter, President, mob informant, vampire, zombie killer, international woman of mystery…. love that I’m married to a man that humors me and says Yes. (even though i know what that smile means.)

  36. Amy says:

    I wish this blog had LIKE capabilities ’cause every comment has been so spot on and funny. What a great group of kick-ass Crappies!

  37. Jill says:

    LOve this!

  38. Dawn says:

    LOL…I recently did that whole, don’t mess with me, I’m holding a knife thing too! My husband also laughed and walked away. Hmmm…I have to figure out why I’m not intimidating (says the 4’11” woman who accidentally stabbed herself while opening a package of meat a few years ago).

    • Ashley says:

      I’m 4’11″(and a half) too! I was so disappointed when I realized I wasn’t going to grow anymore…. I still am 🙁

  39. Larisa says:

    Heh – I do this every time I hack up a whole chicken with my cleaver. My husband walks into the kitchen, I turn around, menacingly holding the cleaver up, and do the “evil laugh” – bwah-hah-hah! He feigns fear and walks away. It’s the little rituals that bind you as a couple. 🙂

  40. LaurenC says:

    I love that I keep all my kitchen knives SUPER sharp and some are really big. That way when the husband comes in the kitchen and plays the sarcasm card when I’m prepping dinner I can make sure I let him know I have the bigger knife in the battle.

  41. A says:

    I frequently tell my husband I am a spy and a sniper. This conversation always ensues after watching Bourne Supremacy-ish movies. He laughs at me while I quit speaking to him in a huff.

  42. Stacie says:

    haha, awesome! Sounds like a fair fight to me!

  43. KatyA says:

    I told my hubby that if he really *loved* me, he’d buy me one of your coffee mugs and a copy of your book. Then I mused that if he really *trusted* me, he’d buy me a new knife set (ours has seen better days). He chuckled nervously and said, “So where do I get that mug?” I don’t know if that’s badass or he just thinks I’m unstable. LOL

  44. Baker Becky says:

    I am the queen of “that’s what she said”!!! Does that make me badass too?? I’ve always wanted to be badass, I tell my teenagers that I am and they just laugh.

  45. Did that retailer laugh really hard? Because sometimes some leaks out that way. Not that I’d admit it in public, but, you know.

  46. Julie says:

    Wicked badass.

  47. Libby says:

    It’s like after I watch Fast and Furious and think I’m a badass stunt driver. In my Prius.

    • MamaBean says:

      ME TOO! And I pretend the two car seats in the back are for holding the precious (illegal) cargo that I’m transporting. That may or may not be crusted in 24k Cheerios.

      Sigh. If only the Rock would pull me over.

    • Erica says:

      Me too except a minivan. Can you be badass in a minivan? I can!

      • Pam says:

        Oh yes.

      • Heather C says:

        Of course you can! You’ve seen Mr. and Mrs. Smith, right? Oh, and I signed up for a 5k mudrun called The Badass, so now I’ll have a Tshirt! Although a crappy Tshirt with amber menacingly holding a knife and a carrot would be awsomer.

  48. Shauna says:

    OMG, this exact conversation happened between me and hubby years ago when Kill Bill came out! Thanks for the laugh and the memories it brought back!

  49. angie says:

    so freakin’ badass!

  50. Samii says:

    I thought you were going to throw a knife and say “That’s what chef’s do.” — Quoted from one of my favorites where Geena Davis is a total badass in The Long Kiss Goodnight.

  51. Christina says:

    I love you for saying “that’s what she said” since I was already thinking it before I got past the arrow. <3

  52. Michelle says:

    “That’s what she said”?!!! Bahahaha oh man, you always go there, and I love it!

  53. Megan says:

    that’s what she said! day = made 🙂

  54. Rin says:

    We’re at about the 13 year mark, too, and I try stuff like this all the time. Unfortunately, my husband actually expects the unexpected now. Super hard to surprise. No fun at all.

  55. Megan says:

    I’m one who got your book early! I ordered it online thru barnes and noble and got it Saturday. I loved it! 🙂

  56. Alicia says:

    I always act like I am world class gambler and thief after watching the Ocean’s 11 movies and the Italian Job. Then I go out and drive my Prius like Charlize Theron drives that Mini Cooper! I’m actually pretty badass behind the wheel (or at least I think I am)! 🙂

  57. tara says:

    I’ve always wanted to be in a knife/sword fight too! And I wouldn’t have to worry about getting slashed, because I’m obviously so good that nobody would be able to slash me. Duh, Crappy Papa. 🙂

  58. Marius says:

    I must be one of the lucky few that got leaked on because my wife called to tell me I have a package from Amazon at home. I can’t wait. 🙂

  59. Tricias says:

    Saw your book on the table at a Books-A-Million in Charlotte, NC – only 4 left! Way to go!!

    • Pam says:

      What? You can get it in a store already? How is that possible?

      • Hanna says:

        I used to work at a bookstore, and we’d occasionally get books ahead of the official release date so we could have them on the shelves the correct day. They would be labeled not to sell before x/x date. If someone isn’t paying attention or doesn’t care, they could get out early. If the publisher finds out, however, they are jeopardizing their privilege of getting early books.

        • teagansmomma says:

          I was in a BAM when the 50 Shades books came out. I was happy, grabbed one and promptly marched to the cashier. He sadly told me that they couldn’t sell me the book for another 2 days. 2 DAYS! I was pissed!

  60. Mary Beth says:

    I take the Body Combat classes at the gym every week (during lunch). I totally felt badass today– kicking the stuffing out of characters in a book I’ve been reading, just like the heroine. The best choreography is when we take our “swords” and lop off heads and slash bellies! Sometimes I imagine the people on my shit list being on the receiving end of the fight. Other times I fight against all the injustices in the world, especially those against children. At the end of class I feel like I can take on the world–BRING IT! (preferably before I collapse at my desk at work 🙂 )

  61. Andrea says:

    I feel so badass after watching movies like Lara Croft Tomb Raider that I walk around the house shutting the doors by kicking them. I even flush the toilet with my foot, which I normally only do in public restrooms, not at home. Unfortunately I am known for being clumsy so most of these adventurous expressions of badassness end up with something really embarrassing or humiliating happening to me. Luckily my husband is usually the only one witnessing it and like yours, he has seen it all. (He is, however, scared of me when I am holding a knife in my hand. But that is because he knows me and because of the above mentioned clumsiness more than my badassness…)

    • natasha smith says:

      Glad to see im not the only one who use to pretend to be and do lara croft stunts looovvveeed tomb raider so freakin much and my husband sadly does not see me as badass but will stand a respectable distance away from me when i have a knife due to my clumbsiness. Sigh at least it keeps him out the kitchen an d my way when im in it.

  62. Dee says:

    I tell my partner that I may seem small and weak but in reality I could crush him with my thighs if I really wanted to and he laughs so loud, I love it hehehe

  63. LJohnson says:

    This happens to me when I read Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum novels. I start feeling invincible. Then, I clutch my lower back as I get up off the floor from tripping on another damned Barbie.

  64. Nikki H says:

    While I admit that I am a newly retired granny, I still relate to a lot of your posts. Today’s had several lol moments for me, not counting the “that’s what she said” tidbit. Thanks for always brightening my day. You could totally be a badass stabber.

  65. Tasha says:

    I totally feel the same way! No, not the stabbing someone part, but the part about feeling all badass after watching a chick kick ass on TV! That, and I occasionally like to pretend I have super powers….but who doesn’t?

  66. Karen says:

    Oh my goodness!!! I nearly died at “that’s just stabbing!”

  67. Kristine Hall says:

    I usually just end up hurting myself when I go on the “badass” binges. Scabs almost healed from last such adventure.

  68. Robin Jingjit says:

    I don’t get that way, but I always feel charming and adorable after I watch a chick-flick, like I am cute like the main character. And I always feel very regal after reading Jane Austen. My inner monologue starts sounding very British.

    • Devan says:

      I am the best dancer on earth after a cool dance movie! I can break out the the mose awesome “non-choreographed” moves…in my head.

  69. Lidia says:

    “That’s not a knife fight. That’s a stabbing!” Hahaha. I literally laughed out loud. I was right there with you thinking how I could be in a knife fight too. And, just like you, my bubble burst when I realized that the other person should also technically wield a knife.

  70. Samantha says:

    Fabulous, I laughed out loud!

  71. Erica says:

    I’m the exact same way. And not just action movies, with everything movies. I always turn into the lead character for a few hours.

  72. fran says:

    This made me laugh so hard, especially the stabbing part.

  73. Pam says:

    Thanks for the ongoing laughs, can’t wait for the book.

  74. Amy says:

    I think I just leaked something reading this.

  75. Lynann says:

    I totally get “acting badass”! After we saw the Italian Job, I found myself driving…differently on the way home. Didn’t realized I was doing it until my husband pipes up with “Alright, Charlize, slow down.” I love movies that make me feel all badass and sexy.

  76. LeahM says:

    I think you’re badass for even watching action movies like that. I am such a wussy girlie girl.

  77. Women who have power tools and can cut amazing things out of wood are badass!!!! You had street cred for a long time!!!

  78. Lauren says:

    I do that too! I thought I was the only one! or, at least maybe the only girl? I have repeated fantasies about being totally awesome and defeating ALL THE BAD GUYS. Whoever they are, and wherever they’re hiding. I’m coming for you.

    At least, in my head. A little. I’m afraid of strangers.

  79. You are soooo badass. I’m scared of you =]

  80. Darrell says:

    The same happens to me when I watch Burn Notice. I think I can blow things up, fight and leap tall buildings!

  81. You, and your knife, and your crappy drawings, and your book… are inspiring. Lately there have been several bloggers who have come out with books, but I don’t buy them because I’m cheap and I only buy books at Goodwill. I will be buying YOUR book, though, because it is one that can sit on a coffee table and entertain guests. Therefore totes worth the expense. 🙂

  82. Ali says:

    Congrats on the Bloggie! And tomorrow is book release day! Yay! I am so happy for you and your B.A. self!

  83. Heidi says:

    I feel badass when I drive my car, because it’s a stick shift. I like to gun it and pretend I can go really face, like in a race car.

    It’s the little things….

  84. Eleni says:

    I just read this outloud to my husband in the other room and am crying from laughing! I love your posts! I don’t even have children and I keep reading because you always make me laugh. You do such a great job! (I feel like that makes me sound creepy that I read your parenting blog but I don’t have children. eep.)

  85. Beth says:

    So I did it, I pre-ordered your book last night!!! I am a procrastinator so doing it a day early is really good for me but you said it was important and I LOVE your blog so I figured it was the least I could do. Thank you for all the time you have devoted! You are bad ass!

  86. Emily says:

    I love responding with “you do realize”…

  87. Sarah Carroll says:

    Oh… I SO want to order the Kindle version to hold me over until the hardback arrives. I need some good laughs!

  88. Ioana says:

    Congratulations for winning the Best parenting or family weblog also this year! You totally deserve it!

  89. Nada says:

    If you’re looking for other badasses, check out Badass of the Week. It’s a website that deals with awesome kickass people from history (or present day). It’s full of knife fights. And heroisim. And bloodbaths. And just generally awesome cuss words that make you laugh til you snort. I am not the author, but I visit it frequently. It’s like the website equivilant of watching a badass movie.

  90. Marianna says:

    I have received the digital copy of your book today (yes!) and I have to confess that coincidentally I was sneaking up in the bathroom when i read the part about sneaking up in the bathroom to read a book 🙂 Are you psychic or something? 😉
    I love it!

  91. Laura I says:

    Just finished your book that was delivered to my kindle last night at midnight! Loved it! Laughed out loud many times. My husband thinks I bought something kinky 50 Shades ogle Gray-ish because he looked over my shoulder on the pizza penis story. Ha ha! I might not let him know the truth. 😉

  92. Kate Wilson says:

    LOVED this one! I laughed so hard tears started to form! Reminds me of the conversations I have with my husband.

  93. Kelly says:

    I just recently discovered your blog, and I’m totally in LOVE.

    I feel badass after watching an episode of Buffy, so I get ya on this one!

    Also, that movie Haywire? ROCK.

  94. Emily says:

    Hahaha I love this! Totally sounds like something my hubby and I would talk about I love it so much I had to go read it to him but only the pictures due to his limited manly attention span.

  95. Lisa Newlin says:

    I think you’re badass based soley on your ability to chop carrots in a floor-length purple ball gown while threatening to knife fight your husband. If that isn’t badass, I don’t know what is.

  96. Linda Chailland says:

    I laughed so hard I started coughing and I’m laughing as I’m writing this.

    I’m also trying not to pee myself. The whole giving birth thing has limited my bladder control abilities.

  97. Hannah says:

    Wow. I seriously just laughed so hard, I had bury my face in my pillow so I wouldn’t wake my two year old.

  98. mijjones says:

    as a male and a husband i just know what crappy papa is thinking in those first few frames

  99. Ashley says:

    Hilarious posts AND awesome taste in movies? I think I might be a little in love with you. But not like, for real for real. 🙂

  100. Patts says:

    I laugh so hard that I cried!!! That doesn´t happen to me often. Your blog is awesome!

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  102. Chrissy says:

    Seriously, your posts are all hilarious. I’m not a parent yet, but I know I will have the exact thoughts. Thank you for spreading the sarcasm and joy into everyone’s life. This blog is amazing!!

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