I haven’t written a rant for a while. Actually, I don’t think I ever have written one. So I must be really annoyed.
I’m mad at Cookie Monster. His behavior is unacceptable.
He sucks. Cookie monster is an asshole.
But it isn’t what you think. It isn’t the cookies.
In 2006 Sesame Street decided to react to the childhood obesity epidemic by having Cookie Monster eat healthy food and declare that cookies are a “sometimes food”. They thought parents hated Cookie Monster because he was a cookie enabler.
That was lame. Extra lame.
It isn’t Cookie Monster’s responsibility to teach kids that you can’t eat cookies all day long. He is a monster. Monsters can eat whatever the fuck they want. We’re just lucky he isn’t eating our children.
No, parents dislike cookie monster’s influence even more now.
It is because of the stupid way that he eats:
Look at all that food he is wasting! Look at that mess he is making! He totally sucks!
(Come on, I’m pretty sure modern puppetry technology has evolved to where he could actually eat the damn cookies.)
Back when he was just eating cookies his messy way of eating was forgivable. It didn’t cause problems for parents. Why? Because kids aren’t stupid enough to waste cookies like he does. When I was a kid I wouldn’t have dreamt of going Cookie Monster on a cookie. I ate them delicately so I wouldn’t lose a single crumb.
But now that he eats other stuff? Like broccoli? In a really messy way?
Now kids go Cookie Monster on broccoli:
And it is all his fault.
Dear Cookie Monster, please go back on the cookies. Everyone was happier then. Especially you.
Warning – this is just a rant. I’d actually be really mad (and not just jokingly mad) if they made Cookie Monster eat neatly. Please don’t ever do that, Sesame Street. But give him his cookies back! Forcing him to pretend to like vegetables is just plain depressing. And while you are at it, can you please just stop making new shows and just run all the ones from 1969-1986? You’d save money and we’d all get to relive our childhoods without resorting to YouTube clips like this. And also this. And this one too. And this one! Win win.