while mama was in the bathroom (episode 1)

I go to the bathroom sometimes. 

I know, it is really horrible of me. Neglectful even. I'm sure perfect moms store up their bowel movements for when they have back-up childcare.  I'm going to go ahead and admit publicly that sometimes, sometimes I have to go and don't wait.

I know my kids are safe during these 3-5 minutes. Hey, don't rush me! Sometimes I even read a whole page of a book! Or the back of a shampoo bottle!

As soon as I shut the door they continually and very loudly let me know that they are okay:

Bathroomcoffee2
So I have always felt confident in my parenting choice. 

But just when I thought I had it all figured out, it changed. My bathroom system is broken.  

Now when I shut the door they dissappear. And they are quiet too.

Quiet is always cause for alarm:

Bathroomcoffee1

Most of the time, they are totally okay. Playing with puzzles, looking at books and other non-bad quiet activities.

But sometimes, sometimes (often enough for me to start this series) in those 3 minutes they manage to wreak havoc on the house, themselves or each other. And sometimes all three for extra credit. 

To kick off, last week I emerged from the bathroom to find Crappy Baby in the kitchen… 

 

He has dark chocolate powdery looking stuff all over his face, body and floor.

Only it isn't just chocolate. Oh no.

It is better.

Bathroomcoffee3
It is chocolate flavored instant coffee. And it is drooling out of his mouth.

Fortunately, he doesn't like it, "I no wike dis chocolate, Mama. Yucky." So I don't think he actually injested much.

Relieved, I clean him up.

And then make myself a cup of chocolate coffee. 

 

Anything happen while you were in the bathroom? Or are you at the door banging stage?

 

 

——————

He never did show any signs of having had coffee. I expected him to bounce off walls, talk like a squirrel and never sleep again but none of that happened. 

The coffee was on the counter (within his reach!) because I had intended to make a mug earlier but got pulled into their kidsanity and never got the chance. I usually drink real coffee. But this stuff is gooooood. In a bad good way. Like a hot cocoa/coffee hybrid with tons of sugar and ingredients that aren't food. My very fast junkie fix on days I can't be bothered to make a pot of coffee.

Since I called this post an "episode" cut to Crapmmercial:  

"Instant coffee, a busy mother's best friend. Just stir in the happiness! And how!"   

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413 Responses to while mama was in the bathroom (episode 1)

  1. Karla says:

    My son’s classic move was always climbing on top of the table when I went to the bathroom–one day he dumped salt everywhere, and the salt and pepper shakers were banished into the cabinet.

  2. maggie says:

    I always leave the bathroom door open when I ‘go’ but them my 10 month old comes in and it makes for an unrelaxing experience…. pulling toilet paper off the roll, open the cupboards eventually wanting to sir on my lap whilst I use the bathroom….ahhh bliss.

  3. Heidi says:

    I don’t even bother to shut the door anymore. Plus, my three always wait to fight until I have to poop. Never fails. I’d like to say they only fight as often as I poop, which is like every 3 or 4 days, but that would be an untruth. *sigh*

    • Farley says:

      My twins always fought when I was unavailable. Once when I returned to them to find EVIDENCE OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE, I asked them, “Why do you always fight when I’m not here?” Sweet, adorably innocent little 8 year old child answers, “Because you never let us do it when you are here, Momma.”

  4. Maria says:

    Thank goodness I’ve only found the norm when coming out of the bathroom. What’s the norm? Kids using crayola markers to draw on each other. No biggie because they are washable and I hide all the sharpies. I am sure I will read some read incidents.

  5. One time, my 2 year old daughter had ripped open a pillow pet(there was already a tiny hole) and made it “snow” all over her bedroom with the stuffing. It was the pillow pet massacre of 2011 and it wasn’t pretty. RIP Penguin. He never stood a chance

  6. amr says:

    We’re in the door-banging phase. I lock the door. Then my son knocks and cries in the most heartbroken, desperate way. Fast forward to the first time a girl breaks up with him. And then calls the police.

  7. Sara says:

    We now have a wonderful Sharpie masterpiece on the wall as a result of a ill timed bathroom break.

    • Paige says:

      Mr. Clean magic erasers… they’re amazing :)

      • Brooke says:

        Magic erasers don’t work on sharpie. At least not black. Trust me. I had a LARGE masterpiece when my daughter found 2 permanent black markers – one for each hand! We magic erasered the snot out of it – repeatedly. After that, it took 3 coats of Kilz and 2 coats of paint to cover it all!!! I was so ticked.

        • Megan says:

          Aqua Net Hairspray! it removes permanent marker. spray it on nice and thick and scrub with rough textured dish rag. this worked for our nice oak table and wood paneling without ruining the finish. you pay need to go over it with a damp towel to remove the hairspray sticky after

          • Briony says:

            to remove sharpie try methylated spirits (I think you call it something else in the US, its the one that is purple in the UK), but what can also work in an emergency is neat vodka or gin (well any alcohol but that is what he have lying around)

        • Eva says:

          Rubbing alcohol also does a fantastic job on sharpie markers!

          • Sabrina says:

            Strangely, sunscreen also does a remarkable job of removing permanent marker from most surfaces (I haven’t tried it on a wall, though).

  8. Kim Pugliano says:

    I thought I was the only one who opened cabinets to read what’s available. Fantastic post!!!

  9. MamaC says:

    Friend of mine took a moment “to herself” in the restroom and came out to make herself a cup of coffee. She then spent the rest of the day in the restroom, throwing up. Turns out, while she had been in there the first time, her 3yo twin boys had climbed up onto the kitchen counter and poured ipecac into the coffeemaker. Barf-o-rama.

  10. Karen says:

    I now get reading material slid under the door. “Mommy, I thought you might like something to read.”

    “Thank you for Daddy’s work benefits catalog, honey.”

  11. Gila says:

    Your next series can be ‘while mama sleeps’- when my daughter was born, someone sent us one of those sectioned candy dishes, loaded with goodies. My 2 1/2 yr old son(who had mastered crib escaping) came into my room one morning and I rolled over in a sleep- deprived stupor to give him a kiss. His face felt like it was plastered in sand- but the sand was sticky and I realized it was sugar. He had taken a chair and climbed up on the counter and dipped into ALL the goodies. He was a sugar-coated mess and he did show the effects of injesting twice his own weight in gummy candies.

  12. I’ve never had any problems while in the bathroom, but while I was cooking my son decided to get into the Desitin. It was in his hair, in his ears, all over his face, and he ate some. That smelt awesome when it came back up. *sigh* It was my first call to poison control!

    • deneen says:

      oh, give a shout out to those lovely ladies at poison control …since my son turned about 7, i haven’t had to ring them much … i miss them …*sigh*

    • Krista says:

      My son did that once… I didn’t get all of it out of his hair for several days! :)

  13. brandi says:

    My kiddos ate a partial package of benedryl chewables! Between the two of them I think they had ingested 11-12 tablets. I called poison control and they said they had not eaten enough to hurt them and would either be wired or tired…and they had to scale the counter and reach on top of the fridge to get them! This was a few years ago! They have survived to the ages of 8 and 7…lol

  14. melissa thompson says:

    Lol. I remember those days… Oh wait, I still have them. Sorry,my bad. Yes,still. I have a 17,12,10 yr olds. And they still knock,clank, at the bathroom door. Little weirdos :D why does a 17yr old need to ask permission to raid the fridge,or get a glass of water? I don’t run a prison. I promise. Or my 10yr old female cub… Mom..hey mom, can I get my barbies out and stuff?.. Hey mom, I’m going to get a coke,is that ok?. As long as they don’t ask to get something sharp to injure each other fine! Ugh. And I bet one of them would actually ask to do so. Lol yeap. My cubs are little weirdos,like their momma.

  15. Becki says:

    Once I forgot to return the baby gate to its proper location after carrying a load of laundry to the living room. I took a quick trip to the bathroom & my daughter entered the hallway, opened the laundry closet & conducted a science experiment on my living room carpet, squirting bleach pen onto the carpet & then covering it with baking soda & an almost full bag of expensive ammonia-removing cloth diaper detergent. I never forgot the gate again.

  16. Adrienne D. says:

    I love anyone who says, “And how!”

  17. Holly says:

    My daughter got out a tube of Desitin. Spread 1/2 the bottle on our black lab, ate 1/4 of the bottle and spread the other 1/4 on the carpet in her bedroom.

    This was during a pee break.

  18. Alana says:

    Once I left my two girls (2 yrs., and 10 mos.) on the back patio so that I could take a quick bathroom break. . .and when I came back, my older daughter was squirting chocolate syrup into a large puddle on the concrete patio slab, and my younger daughter was scooping it up into her mouth – and was covered in the stuff. So I TOTALLY get how something can get left out on the countertop and fall into their grabby little hands when you turn your back. Aahhhhahaha. . .

  19. Danielle says:

    Nothing yet but they never answer me when I call out to them so of course I start envisioning one of them passed out on the floor with a tiny lego jammed in their throat or an incredibly silent kidnapper sneaking in the house so at that point I am hopping out of the bathroom trying to pull up my pants without falling over only to find them sitting quietly doing something harmless. Which is when they look up angelically and say, “Yes mommy?” Sigh.

    BTW, must know the type of coffee! Sounds so yummy!

  20. Amber says:

    My step-son will walk through the house calling me. If I respond, “I’m in the bathroom,” he takes this as a cue to have a conversation.

    Yeah, that’s not the time I want to have a conversation.

    Le sigh.

  21. Dean says:

    I guess I’m lucky. My daughter has decided she MUST be in the bathroom with me or my wife if we’re doing our business, and offering words of encouragement: “Push the poopies out. Tummy feel better.”

  22. Ashley says:

    Well, my daughter is only 4 months old, so no bathroom issues yet. But, when I was babysitting a 3 and 7 year old one time I came out of the bathroom to find that they had decided to douse the kitchen floor in water so they could “mop”… they claimed that they had never seen their mother mop the floor before, which is why they wanted to do it. I’m sure she was thrilled they told me that! Not worth the $8 that lady would pay me to sit for two hours.

  23. summer c says:

    Last time I dared to close the door while in the restroom my son dumped an entire box of expensive oragnic cereal all on my computer keyboard. I scooped it into a ziploc bag cause I didn’t want to waste it.

  24. Lisa says:

    My then almost-2-year-old scribbled on 10 out of 13 cushions on our new couch with a Sharpie (which he confiscated from a “baby-proofed” drawer, by the way). After I talked myself out of running away to join the circus, I thought, “Okay…I’ll just use the fabric protection plan we paid extra for! We have kids; I knew we’d need it at some point! We’re so smart!” Except that when I called the couch protection plan people, they told me that the plan covers bodily fluids, food, drink, fire, pencil, pen, and various other things, but it specifically excludes markers, so I was SOL. I had more than one person suggest setting the couch on fire after that… I finally, after 9 months and trying every product imaginable to get the stains out, found something that got it all out. But I’m still bitter about the stupid warranty.

  25. Stacey says:

    My daughter is 11 months old so I haven’t had the instant coffee type of experience yet. However, I’ve had plenty of people give me THE LOOK when they hear that I actually go to the bathroom and shower when she’s not in her crib. YES, I tell them, I make sure she’s in a safe place. I can’t even believe we (you, me, and people “like us”) have to justify using the bathroom to other moms! Sheesh!

    Thanks for your writing, your pictures, and for making me laugh again and again. This is such a great blog!

  26. Karin says:

    Or the back of a shampoo bottle! HAHAHAHA Help me I am dying from laughing so hard! Tears!

    I almost wish I had stories to share… I cannot remember the last time I was in the bathroom alone…sigh.

  27. MJ says:

    I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw the mention of reading the back of shampoo bottles too! I totally thought I was only weirdo who does that. Now I don’t get in much shampoo reading time with my 19 month old playing in the cabinet drawers and asking to nurse while I try to do my ‘business’ :)

  28. Rach says:

    OMGosh thats hilarious!!

  29. mine always fight while I am in the bathroom too. I go there for a few minutes of solace but it is never that way especially since the toilet is next to the wall shared with the living room.

    IF I could get my kids to only fight when I used the bathroom I would only poop while out.

  30. The lock on the fridge broke and my two year old figured out that she can open the door so that is exactly what she does – gets into the fridge and taste tests each piece of fruit til she finds the one she likes – not that she is going to finish that one either.

    My older kids have gotten used to eating half eaten apples.

  31. Kelly says:

    My son has poured a plethora of things on my carpet, including – a bottle of oil, maple syrup and orange cordial (which is a concentrated fruit syrup-y drink for those americans out there.) also, sunscreen. the rest of the house is wooden floors except for one room, and he ALWAYS spills this stuff in the room with carpet!!!!!! We rent, and the carpet is/was off white.

  32. I don’t even bother shutting the door because they just walk right in on me. Even my HUSBAND walks in on me, FFS. One day he walked in when I was yanking my Diva Cup out and I was like “FOR F*CKS F*CKING SAKE, WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED TWENTY SECONDS OF PRIVACY IN THIS G*DDAMN HOUSE, FFS!!!!” Mama was not happy :)

  33. Sue O says:

    2 stories: first one, I am locked in the bathroom and my 2.5yr old son is banging on the door (my husband is HOME by the way) and I am thinking “WHY doesn’t husband keep child away from the bathroom?” THEN I hear my husband talking to my (1yr old)daughter outside the door and son is still banging………..ALL THREE of them are sitting in the hall outside bathroom door. I say “husband, can you go take them somewhere ELSE to play while I go to the bathroom??!!” he says “that won’t work, they were just yelling for you”…..SERIOUSLY??? you can’t keep them occupied for FIVE minutes?
    Second story: I am home alone in the bathroom – door open this time but kids are in the family room. My 2.5yr old son yells out “mom, I being really careful”………..NOT comforting words at all when I cannot see him. I finished up quickly and ran out just in time to see him successfully jump from the ottoman onto the chair.

  34. Rach says:

    I do the same thing lol!! People were always like “Oh you won’t have TIME to shower once she comes” Well I still get my 45mins showers thank you very much!! (I don’t know how well that will work once she stops having daytime sleeps mind you, but then again thats why she goes to bed early lol!!)

  35. I am a foster parent so anytime I finally get out of the “while Nanny is in the restroom” antics, I get another baby and they start all over again.

    Right now my 2 1/2 is at the banging on the door and screaming at the top of his lungs stage.

    But in the past I have come out to him being the most lotioned child in the county, wipies being used to “clean” the coffee table, my tea dumped all over the remotes and/or my phone. Yeah, that is my favorite, NOT!!

    So, now I have him sit outside the door and we sing songs or just jabber so that I have an idea where he is.

  36. belmarsnowbirds1@aol.com says:

    Loved reading all of these. Mine are 41 38 &37. Only one the 38 year old still waits till I am in the shower and then says he has to go to the bathroom BAD. at least now I can just ignor him.
    So just realise you are in for the long hall.

    • Farley says:

      I think bathroom times are genetically programmed, hence the need for all genetically related people to go at the same time. It’s why I bought this house: three bathrooms!

    • tired mama says:

      At 33-yrs-old I still always manage to interrupt my mom. Every time I call she’s eating or in the bathroom. Uh, don’t answer the phone. Lol

  37. Rach says:

    Haha worst sentance to be hearing when you are trying to go toilet lol!!

  38. odette says:

    i must say, mine alway decide to fight when i am on the toilet – so i no longer get to close the door very often. It is so nice when hubby is home to close the door and have 5 mins to myself! never thought i would appriciate a toilet break so much….

  39. Jeni says:

    Please, my kids are always IN there with me. I do not know what privacy is. Ugh.

    • Littlefoot says:

      Same here! I get no privacy. I always open the cabinets or they will want to crawl behind the toilet to play with the toilet scrubber… Why do they like that thing so much??

  40. Steve A. says:

    Nothing’s happened yet to me while having quality “me” time for 2-5mins in the bathroom, but I’m sure it will. Funny thing did happen the other day though. My mailbox is conveniently located at the end of my driveway. A few days ago, while it was a balmy -1 degrees (live in Canada) I ran out quickly in my sock feet, pajama bottoms and t-shirt with the mail key. In a near-olympic feat, I ran down, retrieved the mail and got back to my door in about 21 seconds. I turn the knob to get in aaaaannnd….locked. My little 2 1/2 year old was peeking through the small window beside the door, banging on it saying “daddy I lock it”. Long story short, the fire dept had to come and enter my house through our bedroom window. Fun times. It didn’t help that I am a police officer, and half of the firefighters who responded recognized me from us working together on previous calls. Pure Awesome.

    • Farley says:

      ROTFLOL! I was also locked out by my two year old twins. Fortunately, I was dressed and my neighbor got me back in with a credit card! Safe house, humpf.

  41. Lauren says:

    they cracked open an egg yesterday, so they could “see the yellow”.on the floor.then proudly reported their findings. yellow! so, for that brief yet productive (on their behalf)bathroom break, i had the pleasure of scrubbing two germy boys head to toe, and a hardwood floor. that was most of my day.i heart this blog.you get me.

  42. Jee says:

    My 2yo son is currently toilet training so he normally sits on his potty while I use the bathroom. It’s the public toilets I dread when I have to use them. He has an intense fear and insists on sitting on my lap! Makes it quite difficult!

  43. I have just experienced the reverse of this ie my little girl wanting privacy for the whole of her toilet procedure. I accepted her ‘grown-up’ request and to my absolute horror she left what looked like a dirty protest! There was poo smeared all over the toilet, all over the toilet roll and all over the floor. And I guess you can imagine the state she was in. I finally caught up with her having followed a poopy-trail to her bed.

  44. Lauren says:

    Pure awesome, indeed. That’s hilarious

  45. I used to put the babies in their cribs when I was on the pot and one infamous time my oldest crapped while I was on the crapper and I returned to find he’d had a poop party. I was never the same.

  46. Last time it was powdered sugar for me. He didn’t eat it, just threw it in the air in the pantry. Looks like it snowed on all the cans and boxes…

  47. Christie says:

    Those warranties are such a crock. We used to buy them for all of our new furniture (usually from Weekends Only). One day our cat decided to pee on the couch. Good times. So, we called since we knew it covered animal urine (we asked when we bought it since we knew he would do it at some point). They do cover it, but here’s the catch: his pee started on one cushion and then went about an inch over to the other cushion. The warranty specifically excludes animal urine damage to more than one cushion. WTH?! Yep, we’ve never wasted our money on another of those “warranties” again.

  48. Laura says:

    I, uh, live with a husband of the “must read while poo” variety, so there is always plenty to read. And the bathroom is off limits for like, two hours. Because that’s how long it takes him. “Sometimes I get caught up in reading” he says. (I think he needs more fiber)

  49. Beth says:

    My toilet seat has some strange sensor in it. As soon as my hiney hits the seat, I hear a voice calling, “MOM!!??” – My daughter is six years old now, so I’ve started locking the bathroom door. She sits on the floor on the other side of the door, talking to me. Oh yippy.

  50. I get ya on the perfect moms. The ones with the kids that organize sock drawers while their moms “gasp” use the restroom.

  51. Jolaina wicks says:

    I, too, never get to go in private. They bang on the door, so I have to open it. In strolls my 4 YO and two, very fat, very lazy cats. I get my 4 YO to count how many eye are watching me. Someone should at least be learning something if I am not allowed to relive myself in peace!

  52. Rae says:

    Three stories, all occurred during a 5 minute shower. #1-They broke the glass door on the entertainment center and I found breakaway bits of glass scattered all over the house for several YEARS. #2 They found 2 jumbo bottles of baby powder and bombed their entire room. Baby powder on everything. #3 One got into a bulk sized can of Desitin diaper rash ointment and unloaded into his hair, like it was hair gel. I shampooed him six times and he still smelled like fish oil for weeks.

  53. Anna says:

    Mine are older – 5 and 8, and yet they still wait until I am in the bathroom to have an “emergency that they HAVE to talk to me about Right. That. Second.” We now define emergencies (while I’m in the bathroom) as being bleeding AND on fire at the same time. If you are bleeding and on fire, you may interrupt me in the bathroom. Otherwise, it can wait.

  54. Jessie says:

    My 2 year old son does that ALL the time! After I change him, I have to give him a few wipes so he can “clean” But he never cleans up after his cleaning so I’d rather he just didn’t haha.

  55. Rebecca says:

    Mine doesn’t touch many on here but my 20 month old son emptied a file drawer while I was on the pot. That was so much fun to try to figure out where everything belonged since I have so much free time these days.

  56. wendy says:

    oh yes, that silence is deadly. during my recent bathroom break my babies went for the purse… dollars, coins, tampon, credit cards, stashed receipts, ballpoint pen (that ends up on their faces and furniture), new lipstick and concealer snapped in two and smeared all over themselves. concealer and lipstick that i purchased, by the way, on my mini makeover that i had at the mall after i escaped to the movies one afternoon. how dare i. silly mama.

  57. Sandy W. says:

    My 6 yr old covered my 3 yr old in peanut butter and then they both covered Daddy’s favorite leather recliner while I was in the bathroom foolishly reading a magazine. Still, I was in there for all of maybe 3 minutes. Stunning. We had to permanently remove the recliner as I imagined other kids going into anaphylactic shock during playdates. Oy!

  58. Rae says:

    Hahaha, okay, I just went back and read the comments and yes, I have four boys and I have called poison control more times than I can count. I just have to say, there’s very little you should freak out about. My kids have ingested things like bleach and blood thinning medication and poison control *always* says its no big deal.

  59. Tamara says:

    I have a recently potty trained 3 year old that MUST come to the bathroom with me to watch. “Ohhh you going poo poos mama? Can I see?” In the meantime, it’s the one year old that’s off causing destruction. Wait.. you don’t think they plan it out that way, do you?

    1 yr old – you distract her by making her think you’re interested in her poop and I’ll go find the 50 lb bag of flour.
    3 yr old – Good plan.

    Naaaaa……

  60. Amanda says:

    Mine are 4 and 6 and I still poop with the bathroom door wide open when DH isn’t home. The banging on the door drove me nuts, so I averted that by just leaving it open an inviting them in. Sometimes they stay and keep me company, other time the stench drives them away.

  61. I want to pass out a copy of “Everyone Poops” to people as they leave the hospital with their children.

  62. My husband taught my daughter how to jump from the fireplace hearth to the couch once. I almost hit him with a frying pan.

  63. We’ve abandoned closing the door all together…

  64. Carie says:

    My husband does that too! I always have to ask him if he fell in! I think he just does it cuz he gets peace while he’s in there. I wish I did… lol

  65. Amber Dusick says:

    Ahhh! LOL that is so funny! You have your own poop cheerleader.

  66. He’s going to come in anyway, and he’s going to mess with the toilet paper anyway, so Mommy arms herself with an extra roll of tp, which she happily hands to the 3 yo, and happily gathers back up again (and, yes, uses, in all its crumpled glory) just so she can have 2 minutes of peace. With the door open.

    Now, if someone will just explain to me why it’s ok for me to do my business pretty much in public, but daddy needs not just a closed door, but a whole other storey…

  67. Julie says:

    The worst thing my daughter did was dial 911(by accident I’m sure) and asked the operator why mommies have 2 hynies, 1 in the front and 1 in the back. Talk about being embarrassed when I was asked by the officer why she called 911. Lol

  68. Susan says:

    my son (18months at the time) unlocked and opened the front door and ran away while I was in the toilet. After screaming his name down the road (I couldn’t see him anywhere) he eventually tottered back, down the middle of the road with a bucket in one hand and a rusty nail in the other. Apparently he was going to the beach. Let’s just say I’ve stopped shutting the bathroom door.

  69. Amber Dusick says:

    So what was the magic product that got the markers out!?

  70. Amber Dusick says:

    I can relate to the tasted then discarded fruit. I put all the fruit rejects in a ziplock in the freezer and use it in smoothies. I have quite a stash in there.

  71. Amber Dusick says:

    The “I’m being careful!” is just the worst!

  72. Jen says:

    The door banging stage ends?!?!? Oh no, what do I do?

  73. Worfanddax says:

    Wow. That may win worst bathroom story. *gag*

  74. Amber Dusick says:

    Oh no! I fear that happening to me one day.

  75. Joy says:

    My 3 yr old son peed on the door to the bathroom. When ask why: “I had to go and you locked the door.”

    We have 2 other bathrooms. ::sigh::

  76. Amber Dusick says:

    Independence is messy.

  77. Amber Dusick says:

    Ha, love your emergency definition.

  78. Pamela says:

    Oh, do I ever hear you with the Diva Cup removal.
    Consequently, all of my children understand the concept of menstruation and think it’s kind of cool.

  79. Amber Dusick says:

    Wow, that is particularly cruel. Filing, ick.

  80. Kate says:

    One of my daughters is in the “bang on the door and yell MOMMY!MOMMY!MOMMY! until I come out of the bathroom” stage. My other daughter is in the “stick weird stuff under the door” stage. Never boring.

  81. Cyndi says:

    Well as a matter of fact, today I was in the bathroom doing my thing and he kept coming in and then leaving the door wide open. I had to say several times, “Garrett, go away please, I’m trying to take a dump! For the love of Pete I’m almost done, just leave me alone!”

    Luckily for me, my sister is visiting and she made that her facebook status, complete with the @my name thing.

  82. Naomi says:

    Thank you for the great laugh!

  83. Susan says:

    My classic ‘I’m-in-the-loo’ phrase is: Leave your sister alone!!

  84. Camilla says:

    My bathroom door closes with a gap underneath, which is just wide enough for my younger to stick his hand through… so I’ll be sitting on the toilet, and I’ll see a little hand come under the door. Creepy.

    BTW, I give coffee to my tots. Cream, no sugar. I try to limit my younger son to half a cup, or else he won’t nap – the older could nap fine on a cup of coffee, even at ~20months. It does make the diapers stinky, though.

  85. Amber Dusick says:

    Oh goodness, I didn’t even think of peanut butter contaminated furniture. I’ll have to put a warning sign on our front door. “Warning: house is completely smeared in peanut butter.” Because it probably is.

  86. Amber Dusick says:

    I think there is a comedic spin off of that book for mothers waiting to happen. “Everyone Poops & You’ll Never Do It Alone Again”

  87. Tara says:

    I laugh at your instant coffee a mom’s best friend. I though the coffee companies might have caught on to this.. when pregnant with #3 I received the usual tin of formula from Nestle, along with these instant single use pouches.. which I thought was ingenious until I realized they were ‘decaffeinated.’ I nearly broke down in tears of laughter, because what sleep deprived mama drinks instant???! Not me. My motto is ‘its not worth drinking unless its caffeinated’

    Just wait until they start walking in :S

  88. Amber Dusick says:

    Oh my gosh, that is scary! I take it you live on a quiet road? Them escaping is one of my biggest fears.

  89. Lisa says:

    My son’s pulled this trick on me, my husband, and BOTH grandmothers…never walk out the door without the house key. Lol

  90. Angel says:

    I don’t even shut the door. What’s the point? Allie always asks, “Allie come?” like saying “No” is going to make any difference. So I never really get to use the bathroom alone anymore.

  91. Justina says:

    I am unable to go the bathroom with the door closed. If I do my 2 year old stands outside the door and screams and cries till I open the door. But do the 2 cats and the dog need to come in and stare at me while I pee?? I have found myself yelling at my cats saying “DO I WATCH YOU WHILE YOU SHIT IN YOUR BOX?!” Never have got an answer… ;)

  92. Mel says:

    I leave the door open and tell her what mummy is doing – hoping that this will make potty training easier.. and so far it is.. but yesterday she tried to “wipe popo ‘gina mummy” – so now Mummy says “stand back – its smelly”

  93. Tarina says:

    LOL!! Be right back while I wipe juice off my screen… Hopefully he will grow out of his mournful stalker sadness before then haha!! <3

  94. Tarina says:

    Oh how gross!!!! ew ew ew ew ew lol

  95. Kia says:

    OMG. My daughter does that! She is 4 now but its always like when I have to go #2 she wants to come in,have a conversation with me, give me hugs or sit on my lap. It is so weird!! I thought I was the only one. Dare I close the door then she is banging on it the whole time crying in a panic like I just went to outerspace and she is all alone. Its like everyone wants to come into the bathroom and hang out when I have to go. My husband does it do. I just stopped closing the door.

  96. Megan says:

    please tell me they happened during three separate 5 minute showers and not all during the same one?

  97. Deb says:

    you are able to be alone? you are able to shut the door? I have an 11 month old on my lap and a 3 year old singing me Christmas carols… I just hope my mom shut the door when I was a kid. I don’t want to think I was sitting on her lap while she was going to the bathroom…

  98. Kelli says:

    With my youngest at 4 yrs old I am just now getting back to the point where I can occasionally shut the bathroom door. Trouble will ensue if it is locked though!

    As for things my children have dumped/drowned/drawn on/etc over the years . . . there are so many.

    For some reason my middle son took a liking to dumping things on my keyboard anytime I was out of the room. I believe we went through three or four keyboards a few years ago as a result of this. We had koolaide, hot chocolate mix, baby powder but thankfully after being shaken out they worked again. Crazy kids.

  99. Megan says:

    haha, my cat does that, too. She is indignant that a door is closed in “her” house and shoves her paw under it to try to get me to open it :) I’ve had a small number of kid-stories, too, but none too memorable because I don’t have any of my own yet.

  100. Ceri says:

    ha! I usually have Mister Three on my lap with a book and Mr Five asking me to help with his lego. They are usually very generous in getting the toilet paper for me.

    • katie says:

      Ah yes! I remember the helpful “I’ll get you some toilet paper, Mommy!” stage. One small square of toilet paper at a time made for a long interval between the time I was done and the time I was able to successfully wipe.

  101. Patti says:

    laughing so hard right now. Mine likes to watch the poopies come out (of other people!! o_O) and as she is potty training right now she likes to give lots of praise for any potting, even for strangers in the store bathrooms, “good job, you piddled in the potty! You get m’s!”

  102. Tarina says:

    We call it TANG <3 Also, We have given up on trying to keep our carpet clean in the home we rent. There’s a law saying after 4 or 5 years, they cant hold any damage to the carpet against you. We’ve got one more year and 3 toddlers LOL.

  103. Tarina says:

    Haaaahaha!! Oh my – I can totally visualize that!

  104. rachel says:

    wow. yup. that wins.

  105. meagen says:

    I wish my boys 3 and 4 would get into trouble while I was in the bathroom, but no they watch me the whole time and if the door gets shut they peep under it. I think once they teamed up against the cat. She hid under my bed the rest of the night.

  106. Jessica says:

    Have you seen this: http://youtu.be/bPNyK7XTy6o

    That poor mum was in the bathroom while her children covered their loung room in flour. Some people think it’s fake but I work with kids everyday and I know what they can do.

  107. meagen says:

    So it doesn’t get better?

  108. Patti says:

    I was out in public when my diva cup was fit to overflow so I HAD to take it out, but I had to take eldest in the stall with me, she was around 3 or so. After wards she asked every female she met if they had a bottle in their bits too? I was mortified. The littlest one gets sad when she sees the little bins in the stalls for feminine product disposal, she calls those products ‘tummy bandages’ cause mummy uses them when her tummy hurts. I also get tummy kisses at that point.

  109. Tarina says:

    I no longer leave my house without my keys in my pocket, even just to run to the car for a bag of groceries…. My 3 year old thinks it’s HILARIOUS to lock me out. I usually give him one or two chances to do the right thing on his own, but if he is laughing too hard or runs away to hide, I have to come in and hunt him down to remind him that’s not safe.

  110. Hope says:

    My one-year-old son likes to slide his hand under the door and point at me! LOL

  111. Christa says:

    Upon emerging from bathroom, my 3-year-old wanted to show me how he gave the goldfish a bath. He poured soap and lotion and perfume and whatever else he could find into the fish tank.

  112. Tarina says:

    this sounds like something I may use in the future! But mommy I AM bleeding! — Too bad! No Fire, No Mom!!

  113. Tarina says:

    Oh lord!!! LOL~!!!!!!

  114. Tarina says:

    Lmao — We have alot of awkward facebook updates involving our house too lol.

  115. Pennie Hofmeier says:

    I, too, am the mother of four teenage daughters…and I am happy to tell you that you are not alone. They normally couldn’t care less what I am doing. Until, I close that bathroom door. I have not taken a shower, or peed, alone in 19 years!!
    Oh, and my 4 month old son, will be adding his own craziness soon, I have no doubt! ;)

  116. NatureMom says:

    I try not to judge, but I can’t help but think while reading that… why in the world did 3 year old’s have access to ipecac? I’m sure it wasn’t in plain sight, but any medicine I would hope would be in a child proof place! What if THEY had drank it? *Shudder* Anyway, my 2 year old is strangely good while I “potty break”! My bathroom is upstairs, so I put up the baby gate so she can’t follow me. Then she only has access to the living room/kitchen/front entrance. So far I’ve never had an incident, she just plays with her toys/dolls. She’s one of those angel kids that is possibly an alien… LOL!

  117. kpickard1979@gmail.com says:

    Ok, this is so embarrassing but whenever I go to the bathroom my four year old climbs on my back and my two year old sits on my nap and nurses. True story. My three older kids immediately start fighting and going out the front door. I yell at them to stay in the house until I’m done in the bathroom. Then one of them says something to the effect that a man is at the door and “Don’t worry MOM! I told him that you’re pooping.”

  118. kpickard1979@gmail.com says:

    Lap. lol

  119. Tarina says:

    just depends on how willing you are to chance the messes as they get older. If you are strict about the bathroom door policy, they’ll get it eventually ;)

  120. pantrygirl says:

    We are in the slam open the door and scare the crap out of mom (which I suppose shortens the time it takes).
    I tried locking the door but then I become headline news for the Toddler Times. Every freaking question about what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, if it’s smelly? if it’s hard poops, if I’m wiping front to back like I’m supposed to happens.
    So like some of your commenters, I’ve resigned myself to leaving the door open.
    Of course this doesn’t work either because now I get the toddler running in and then saying it’s stinky and I should close the door and then closes the door.
    I can’t win.

  121. Di says:

    ha-ha-ha-ha, i like the greedy look on Crappy baby’s face:)
    Well, my experience was when I found my then 4 year old working on her nails – with the darkest nail polish I have, some purple…..ugh, it was not only her nails, as you might gues:):):)

  122. ccsutherland08@gmail.com says:

    I can’t believe the timing of this post because just today, I ran to the bathroom right before naptime and while I was in there my son (2 years old)got a glass and was apparently running through the kitchen with it. He tripped and fell and the glass shattered into a million pieces! Poor baby had little itty bitty shards in his arms and legs. It took me forever to pick them all out. He didn’t really seem hurt but it scared him to death. I will be holding it from now on!

  123. hofmama says:

    I came out of the bathroom the other day to find that my 2- and 4-year old had dumped 25 lbs of rice and 20 lbs of popcorn on the rug. I declared it give-up-o’-clock.

  124. Misty says:

    I just watched a great video by blogger PhD in Parenting, all about toddlers. In it, another blogger was complaining about how she just wanted to change her damn tampon in peace. Amen, sista. Sometimes, I just need to deal with my period, and I don’t want some little squirt grabbing my pads and ripping them apart!

  125. April says:

    OMG, “a bottle in their bits”…I nearly collapsed a lung laughing. That’s too good.

  126. asemanovich@gmail.com says:

    I thought I was safe, I closed the gate that locked my daughter in the kitchen and small downstairs bathroom. I don’t know why, but I absentmindedly closed the door behind myself. My daughter opened up the fridge and dumped all the chocolate AND strawberry syrups all over the table and began to fingerpaint. While I was cleaning that mess up she walked into the bathroom, in the adjacent room and unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet and flushed. Needless to say the toilet overflowed and I looked when she started giggling and splashing.

  127. Misty says:

    Oh, and in case you’re wondering, no, we don’t have a lock on the door. My husband was supposed to fix that a long time ago!

  128. Hyacinth says:

    Yep… many potty breaks included someone sitting on my lap. It’s kind of funny now… but my babies are in their 20′s! And, no they don’t do this anymore!

  129. Hyacinth says:

    I have been reading whatever I can put my hands on since I can remember! Even as a kid I would read the shampoo bottle. Unfortunately, now I have to remember to take my reading glasses to the bathroom with me if I want to be able to read!

  130. KC says:

    I hear you! Same thing over here. Even my 4 month old gets in on it. However, now that my !st kid is potty trained she won’t allow me to be in the bathroom with her. She says privacy and shuts the door on me!

  131. Kelly says:

    The funniest thing I ever heard was when my niece dragged a chair into the bathroom to have a conversation while my sister was going to the bathroom.

  132. Robin M. says:

    Ooh, I can SO relate and I have SO blogged about my bathroom time before. (http://robinsrandomrambles.blogspot.com/2011/10/no-solitude.html) We are now at the dump-out-an-entire-cupboard’s-worth-of-cereal-while-mommy’s-in-the-bathroom phase. Oh joy.

  133. Chris D says:

    I’ve got one year old twins and I do the same thing. Get them in the “safe zone” and then go do what I need to do. So far so good.

  134. Kendra says:

    Love these stories. The older two of my three boys are 4 and 5. I’ve come out of a potty break to find many things. One of them would be them getting into the fridge and taking out a gallon of juice and a gallon of milk then attempt to pour the juice into the milk only to miss and cause a puddle that flows under the fridge. The gallon of juice empty and wasted.

  135. Kim says:

    hahahahahahahahahahaha that is hilarious.

  136. My baby is only a week old, but I am already prepared to potty with an audience. My dog and cat both bang on the door if I close it, so I just end up leaving it open already. I already have an audience of two. Three won’t really make a difference!

  137. Kim says:

    I WISH I could have the same leisure as my husband when it comes to bathroom breaks – when he says he has to go to the bathroom, he goes in there with his phone and reads and comes out 20+ minutes later! What is up with that?! I pretty much have to turbo pee!

  138. Desiree says:

    I think I’m still in the door banging stage…or maybe I hold my bowel movements for when I have backup…

  139. Pennie Hofmeier says:

    Imagine your own two children, one and three, and also three of your neighbor’s children…also all under five.
    I DID leave the door open, but for the one and only time in history, no one came in. Why?
    Because they had found the giant daycare-sized baby powder and the equally giant container of baby wipes. After dumping the powder all over each other, in the toy box, on both beds, and down the hallway and maybe on the cat,they proceeded to “clean”. Which, as you can guess, only made a gooey,white never-coming-off,ever, type of glue.
    I had FUN explaining to my neighbor why, exactly, I had left them unattended for a total of, maybe, 6 minutes. My vacuum STILL smells like baby powder twelve years later.

  140. April says:

    There is a reason I keep my living room and dining room sealed off with baby gates. My nearly 2-year-old can and will get into ANYTHING. I know if I left him alone for a 5-minute bathroom break, I’d come out to find things shattered on the floor, the cats’ litter box overturned, or half-ingested packs of sinus medication. My husband once asked if I wanted to baby-proof the kitchen and let our son have full roam of the house. I didn’t even have to think about it: NO! The kid once opened a push-down-and-turn child-proof medicine cap while I was changing his diaper. A couple of cabinet locks wouldn’t stop him. I’m surprised the gates hold up as well as they do!

  141. Marti says:

    I have no fear of going to the bathroom. I have the 4 year old to talk to. The 2 year old to keep away from the toilet paper and the dog to stop sniffing everything- My husband has the same party when he wants to go. It’s great. You get commentary on noise and smell, if your lucky you get to explain body parts :/ One day in the future I am sure to be able to go the toilet alone.

  142. Amie says:

    My two year old gets her brother to unlock the door and then chucks a tantrum when I won’t let her wipe for me.

  143. jenniferllemaire@gmail.com says:

    May I ask what type of detergent removes ammonia? My diapers smell clean until they get used, then yuck!

  144. Karla Dick says:

    Ah yes! the bathroom. . . I am at the leave the door open and suffer stage. I have perfected the one-handed bathroom routine, which includes wiping and pulling up my pants and then washing my one hand. . . . all while holding one of my kids who insist I need the moral support while using the toilet.
    Thanks for this one! Made my day :)

  145. aformaini@yahoo.com says:

    Where can I post a picture? Ot involved very sharp knives and cheese.

  146. MaryC says:

    When my son was 8 and my daughter was 4, my son knock on the door while I was in the shower to ask the following question: Mommy, if there is a fire in the house I’m supposed to get my sister and wait out by the front sidewalk right? VERY SHORT shower!! I wrapped myself in towels and went out to the kitchen where yes indeed, the toaster was on fire. Both the kids were out in front of the house by the sidewalk where they were told to go in case of a fire. My son had even grabbed a jacket for his sister. Scary scenario but, also made me a very proud mommy! P.S. I put the fire out by myself.

  147. Jen says:

    When my triplets were young, I once went to the bathroom only to have one triplet get his head stuck in between the rails of our staircase banister. Let me just say that butter does not work to remove a stuck head like in the movies.

  148. Christine N. says:

    My daughter locked me out of the house when she was 18 months. I was doing laundry in the garage and she turned the lock in the knob. I freaked out, but she was fine. Thank goodness for good neighbors with ladders (a second story window was open and he climbed in for me.)

  149. Lisa says:

    Motsenbocker’s Lift Off #3

    http://www.amazon.com/Lift-Off-Remover-Marker-Graffiti/dp/B001B337V4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324344587&sr=8-1

    It looked like it was going to do what all the other products did: get most of it out, but still leave marks on the darkest spots. But when I ran the cushion covers through the washing machine after scrubbing them, it was all gone.

  150. bubble says:

    My aunt once said, “Being a mother is never going to the bathroom alone.”
    She’s so right.

  151. Betsy says:

    My line is, “the answer to any question you ask me while I am on the toilet is no.” Can I have x/y/z? No. Can you help me with x/y/z? No. Mommy, x/y/z. No.
    My newest challenge is my 6 year old daughter’s fascination with my feminine hygiene process. My son is old enough to flee at the merest mention of aforementioned process (blessed 11), my daughter wants to watch the whole procedure. Despite years of folks watching me poo, I really like to be left alone during certain potty visits…

  152. Betsy says:

    who among us has not nursed a child while on the toilet? been there done that. for years.

  153. Melly says:

    If it is not my 21 month old daughter driving me out of the bathroom, it is my cats. I either have her doing something with liquids, powders or various objects in her sneaky way. Or the cats decide it is time for some attention to go their way, so they start to scratch where they shouldn’t or chew on plastic things they are not supposed to, right in eye site, mind you. My personal favorite is when they start to make their Pre-vomit noises and you know they are near the baby or she is near them and waiting to paint with a new texture!

  154. Amy Keffer says:

    I posted a memo to the kindergartener, toddler, and the dog awhile back that stated: ATTENTION–There is NO escape hatch behind that bathroom door. If there were, I would have used it by now. I will re-emerge from the very same door momentarily. (And faster if y’all leave me the heck alone for a minute.)

  155. Amber says:

    OMGosh! That is so funny! My son likes to comment on what other people are doing in the bathroom, too.

  156. gardengirl says:

    Oh my, I have read through all of this rather bemusedly, but it wasn’t until I hit the “Warning: house is completely smeared in peanut butter” comment that I busted into laughing out loud. Whew, I needed that, thanks Amber! Now I’m just trying to imagine every conceivable warning sign we’d have to put on our own front door if we were “good” parents…

  157. Have you seen that pinterest post??

    “We used to want it all…now we just want to pee alone!”

    http://pinterest.com/pin/179088522651685034/

    HA!

  158. Heather says:

    There is a reason I have a combination box on the back of my house with a spare key in it.

  159. Katy says:

    Just the other day my daughter found a bunch of Sharpies my husband had left out and I found her drawing on herself. By some strange stroke of luck she did not draw on the carper, wall, or other uncleanables. Just all over her legs, arms, and face.

  160. Julie Bernhardt says:

    I use bathroom breaks to my advantage and bring my iPhone in with me (uh, so I can go online, not so I can call my friends. That would be weird). My 4 yr old finally knows to give me privacy, but my 2 yr old always has to come in. Sometimes he stacks the toilet paper rolls or plays with the bath toys, sometimes he will just stand there and screech “Hug me! HUG ME!” Um, not really what I’m doing here, bud. But it’s better than them fighting, which they always seem to do at that time. So me inviting him to come with me probably won’t help him stop anytime soon.

  161. OMG, you are living my life. The best/worst case of this happening was when my twins were three (amazingly I have allowed them to live until almost seven). I went to the restroom. I could hear them jabbering but not very clearly. They had always been pretty good up to that point. I have to admit to spending at least 5 minutes in the restroom. Then when I came out, much to my horror, I discovered that my children had not only found the bottle of honey I had left on the counter that was newly within reach but they had gotten into the end table and had the baby powder as well. My daughter had poured strings of honey all over the kitchen and the living room, including the furniture. My son had stood in the middle of the living room spinning in circles with the open baby powder container (THE LARGE SIZE). I can look back on it and laugh and admire their creativity but at the time all I could do was sob. I spent days cleaning up the bulk of the mess. Thank goodness we had leather furniture but our carpet was destroyed. I spent months and months cleaning up residual powder out of the house. Neither product has been left within reach in the past four years. My youngest turns 3 in two days and I pray that he is never quite as inventive as his siblings.

  162. Jaime says:

    Yes, Kia,

    That is our house, too. The baby gets hurt and needs to cry on mommy’s shoulder and I’m thinking, the four year old needs to be banned from these moments as I believe his long term memories are quickly being formed. One day, he’ll thank me for begining to close the doors on his crying and panic.

    It is an artform to poo while comforting a toddler and keeping the three or four year old out of the toothbrushes.

  163. Jess says:

    All I have to say is ‘hot chocolate + instant coffee= mommysanity’ and it’s cheaper than starbucks. ;)

    I’m almost ALWAYS surprised when they are being ‘good quiet’. Like, seriously, you guys are reading books? Uhhh, I don’t get it.

  164. Windy says:

    I have read the SAME page of the SAME book about 20 times…I can’t reach the shampoo from the “Oval Office.” And if I even THOUGHT about shutting the door, I would regret it…in expensive ways. So we have an open door policy right now. ;)

  165. April says:

    My husband’s eyes are attached to his a–hole too. Ugh, can’t he go one time without reading something! It doesn’t help that as soon as he gets home he has to poop, like clockwork.

  166. Janelle says:

    my daughters are older now — 9, 7, 6, so you might *think* that means I don’t have to worry about such things any more. You would be wrong. Now every emergency EVER happens while I’m in the bathroom — especially the shower.
    Even stranger though — we got two kitties a few months ago. One of them in particular refuses to let me pee in peace. EVERY time I come out of the bathroom she is sitting right next to the door waiting for me. Sometimes both of them. They never do it to my husband and only very rarely to one of the kiddos, but always to me. Always. In fact, I was home alone the other day and didnt’ shut the door all the way when I went to pee. The kitty not only came in, she actually jumped onto the tub next to the toilet and was trying to check out the quality of the contents headed to the toilet while in process! O.O

    I keep the door shut now.

    (Oh, and she learned to knock on the door too. I got out of the shower a few days ago and opened to the door in frustration to ask my 6yo to leave me be only to discover it was Ginger the kitty knocking on the door with her paw!)

  167. Heather says:

    Oh boy and I thought I had stories. When my older son was 2, my husband was in Papua New Guinea for a month. I never knew what I was going to come out to. By the time my husband came home I had removed everything from the kitchen counters and had locks on the upper cabinets. After coming out to him on the counter and cabinets emptied one too many times. There was also the time I came out to cheerios through 4 rooms.

  168. Kym Ney says:

    I had to have a top slide lock put on my front door because my youngest Caleb let himself out of the locked front door and was wandering down the middle of the street while I was in the bathroom. The best part was by the time I actually found my neighbor had gotten out of her mini van and was trying to get the rascal back on the curb. She was crying over what a terrible mother I am. Just lovely!

  169. Mistie says:

    We have gates to our bathrooms (oh yes, we do, and for good reason, I strongly believe babies under 2.5 years old should not have open access to any bathroom) and make our 6 & 4 yo climb over them to go. When I go I just leave the door open, I can hear everything and they know it and the 22 mo can still see me without getting into bathroom stuff. I do shut the door when any other adult is there though.

  170. Deetz says:

    this comment made me laugh so hard that I started snorting… my husband wanted to know what was so funny so I read him your comment and he was like “did you write that?” (after he stopped laughing) so maybe it is a man thing?

  171. Zak says:

    My kids are the opposite, they wreak havoc when THEY are in the bathroom. My daughter once locked herself in the bathroom (she was two) and squirted an entire tube of toothpaste into the sink and smeared it all over the bathroom mirror while we frantically took the doorknob off.

    Kids suck.

  172. Rebekkah says:

    So been there! Not with coffee, but with baby brother climbing into the fireplace, or older brother sitting on little brother’s head, or calling someone on the phone.

  173. Joanne Baillie-Irwin says:

    I am still in the process of leaving the door open if I have to go as I do not trust my almost 3 year old with our almost 1 year old. The time is approaching fast when it will no longer be appropriate.

  174. Katie says:

    My oldest daughter then 2 painted my other bathroom with nail Polish that was fun to clean up

  175. ErynBob says:

    When my son was 3-4 he went through this abandonment phase. Not 4 seconds after closing the bathroom door, even after looking in his eyes and saying “Mommy is going to the bathroom.” He would start wandering around the house yelling “Mommy? Mommy? Where did you go?” Panic escalating in his voice. I am screaming at the top of my lungs “I’M! IN! THE! BATHROOM!!” Then one day I heard the screen door slam shut. I went running, half-dressed outside to find him wandering down the sidewalk yelling “Mommy, where are you?” After that we made a list of places to check before looking outside. 1. Bathroom, 2. laundry room, 3. kitchen. And if I was not in any of those places, he could check to see if my car was in the driveway. It got a little better after that, but I still check the locks on the doors before I pee!

  176. Michelle Pittman says:

    My son is 8 and he still bangs on the door while I’m tryna use the toilet, take a shower, do my makeup. I rarely close the door so when he catches me on the toilet, he stares at me and laughs… :-/ The man of the house however doesn’t have these problems. My husband could be in the bathroom for 8 hrs and our son doesn’t dare knock on the door. Why is it that mommies have no privacy????

  177. Kim D. says:

    I once came out of the bathroom to find my eldest (and at the time, only… she was about nine months old) dangling from the top of the refrigerator. Nothing the other two have done has topped that yet, altho the middle kid once ate half a tin of bag balm while I was peeing. The people at poison control are very nice!

  178. LOL, oh man so funny! I had to actually start placing my middle daughter, who has SPD, in her bedroom with the door shut. She can’t be trusted on her own for even a second and my original plan of taking her in the bathroom with me began to fail when she learned to climb up onto the sink-at 18 MONTHS OLD!
    I used to take her in the bathroom with me if I just absolutely had to showr and could not wait until the hubs got home because I tried that X days in a row and never made it. Then she ended up IN the toilet, splashing around having a grand ol time. She was only 18 months old then too. Now she just goes in the shower with me, it’s eaiser on us all haha.

  179. Rachel says:

    when my eldest was… um, less than 2, anyway, as soon as I hopped in the shower she’d rip off her nappy and poo on the (carpeted) floor. This went on for about a whole month before I got masking tape and wrapped it around the nappy so she couldn’t take it off… another time her little sister (probably at about the same age) grabbed a whole bottle of canola oil off of the bench and poured it over the couch and the carpet. The couch needed new filling and the floor was never the same! Who puts carpet in a house with kids, I ask you?!?

  180. Sonya says:

    My kids come into the toilet with me so much, the door handle fell off. Now the toilet door has no handle……

  181. Symbiote Host says:

    I took a shower all by myself the other day, without back up child care, and the end result was three rooms of poop smears, and a poopy two year old hugging my clean clothes and smearing poop on my arms.

    I added up how much damage the two year old does every day, and it averages out to about $5/day. Some days more, some days less. There are $50 days. The house is bare from my shoulders down, and there are child locks on everything, but it doesn’t matter. He still finds stuff to get into.

  182. Stacy says:

    My children have moved from banging on the door to viewing my preoccupation as the brief opportunity for mischief that it is. There is no “kid safe” place for my kids (ages 5 and 6). No shelf they cannot reach, no ordinary child-proof cupboard lock they cannot bypass. To truly lock something away, it would need a real key (not those bathroom screwdriver kind) or a combination lock. So when I go into the bathroom, I hear a scurry of little feet, the scraping of a chair being moved across the kitchen floor, whispered words of “is there any more chocolate icecream?” or “can you see the halloween candy?”. I am thankful that this is their current mischief, because a year or two ago, it would have been hershey chocolate syrup in the carpet (or maple syrup, honey, or any liquid substance in a squeeze bottle). The youngest one had a fascination for knives for a short while, and my ears were honed to hear the sound of a knife being pulled out of the knife block (he had to be on top of the counter to reach this). I’d holler through the door to “Put down the knife” and hear it slide back in, then the sound of him jumping onto the floor and running away.

  183. Lisa says:

    My older son (big brother of the one that decorated the couch in Sharpie, mentioned above) did that to me when he was almost 3. After much drama of going from door to door crying hysterically, desperately trying to find someone that would answer their door and let me borrow their phone (did I mention that I had a 2 week old baby stuck in the house with his devious brother?), I had to do the same thing with the fire department going in through an upstairs window. My son’s response to the whole thing? “Mommy, look, a firetruck!” It’s a good thing he’s cute.

  184. Jen H says:

    Probably Rockin green’s funk rock ammonia bouncer?

  185. Erma says:

    Mine is at the door banging stage. Once in a while he’ll smarten up and realize I can’t yell at him from inside the bathroom so he’ll go and do everything he’s not supposed to since I can’t see him doing it. I’m screwed no matter what.

  186. Kiza says:

    I haven’t peed with the bathroom door closed in almost four years. My son is just shy of four, my daughter is 17 months and, even when my husband is home and all three of them are involved in some complicated game in another room, the instant I try to sneak into the restroom…bam! Both of them are right there.

    I finally gave up when I realized that I can’t even pee alone when the kids are asleep. I’m not even kidding when I say that the CATS have figured out how to open the door when I go in there. Totally not fair.

  187. Cheryl P. says:

    Instant coffee is my best friend!

    My two year old is at the door banging, opening and shutting the door phase. I don’t keep the door locked just in case I need to get out in a hurry.

    One time I left the gate open to the kitchen. Didn’t think I’d be that long. While I was in there, my son went into the laundry room where we keep the litter box and the cats’ food. Like you said quiet is never good. But I could hear him on the other side of the wall. The master barroom shares a wall with the laundry room. I hurried out there and found him taking litter (thank goodness I just cleaned it so there was no waste) and putting it in the cats’ food.

  188. Lissa says:

    I want to know this delicious chocolate instant coffee that you speak of! When Starbucks Via came out, I started calling it “Mommy’s Little Helper”, but it kind of creeped my husband out. I keep that nickname to myself now…

  189. Kira says:

    I’ve found that if I leave the door open I’m more likely to get a little privacy than if I close the door. Once I dared lock the door and I ended up needing toilet paper, from the hallway closet. Doh! So I unlocked the door and scurried back to my throne and somehow during the hand off from my 5yo the roll of toilet paper fell into the mop bucket. Awesome!

  190. smoore5678 says:

    If I don’t let my (almost) 2 year old in with me, he SCREAMS… The bloody murder “mom is leaving me forever” scream. When he comes in with me, he leans in close to listen, and he cheers when I do something in the potty. It’s funny sometimes but not when I’m in the monthlies… Then he wants to find my “band aids” (aka pads)

  191. Jolleen says:

    Costco size vaseline. New. Full. Crappy toddler was in his room with the said jar. Three minutes later? He couldn’t get out and the jar was EMPTY. Or as empty as any 2 year old could have it without the aid of a spatula. EVERYTHING in his reach was covered. AND he had long hair. Oh and crappy husband? He was sitting in the living room, in his chair, reading.

  192. Sandra says:

    When we first bought our house the bathroom had a lock on it but no hole in the knob and I got tired of taking the doors off the hinges when the kids locked the door and wouldn’t come out because they were to busy playing with my makeup or dumping the shampoo into the bath tub so I know have no lock on the bathroom door so every time I go in usually one of my three needs to tell me something and I know if it’s quiet they are usually up to something and it’s always something in the kitchen that their doing

  193. Rachael says:

    i know someone will judge me for this so I will caveat this by saying “I not give dang”…..Sometimes we have used sugar on a pacy to get our baby who fights sleep like a cat fighting a bath and will not take a plain pacy because he knows it is his Kryptonite….so one night I go to the bathroom to do my business. I leave my husband in the kitchen washing bottles and “watching” baby who is in the round thing that I still don’t know the name of that he can sit in and the seat twirls and he plays. This sometimes also doubles as a coffee table to hold stuff when he is not in it. When I come back from the selfish 3 minute escape….my husband is standing over baby and says “What the heck did you pour sugar all over this thing for?” Baby had sugar all over his arms, hands, eyebrows, forehead etc…and was licking himself like a cat. Apparently he had found the little sugar dish for the pacy that we forgot was on the part time coffee table and poured it everywhere. He was deliriously happy.

  194. Stephanei says:

    My 3 yr old likes to give me tips. “No, like this momma” *grunt* “See! Like that!”

  195. Clodia says:

    A few months ago my 3 year old son went through a phase where he would move his chair and stick stuff into the toaster whenever I was in the bathroom. He would always move his chair back too, so I wouldn’t know he had done it until I went to use the toaster and found a Matchbox car in it.
    He doesn’t usually do anything while I’m in the bathroom now, except sometimes run around and yell “Where are you Mama?”
    He has apparently decided that it’s fun to join me in the bathroom while I’m showering, though. If I don’t remember to make sure the door is locked then I have company.

  196. Elisabeth says:

    Mine colored the entire floor with marker (thankfully, washable marker and the floor is a darker colored vinyl) … he made it better by saying “Look mommy! I made the floor pretty!” and I said “yep. but let’s stick to paper next time” and he said “I made the wall pretty too.” Ummm ok, thanks. It washed off easily, so I wasn’t too upset … I’m not sure why he’s convinced all my stuff is so ugly, but he sure thinks he needs to make everything pretty.

  197. SeriousCakes says:

    This is my kids, actually just my 7 yr old. As soon as I go in the bathroom she needs to ask my permission about something. I have begun to ignore her (she yells from the 1st floor, bathroom is on the 2nd) and remind her of the “Don’t talk to Mommy when I’m in the bathroom unless the house is on fire” rule.

  198. Sally says:

    Hilarious! My 19 month old wails like a banshee and bangs on the door like she’s on fire. When I let her in all she wants to do is go through my make up and pull off some toilet paper for me. And to Rach, who has 45 min showers – oh my Lord! I’m from Australia and we’ve had a drought for years and have been restricted to 5 min showers (not literally, but there really was no water) so a 45 min shower sounds like heaven to me.

  199. Ellie says:

    That’s totally hilarious!

  200. Lisa says:

    My ‘worse’ toilet break incidence (I have too many to go through here) was after I thought I had beaten my 4 year old cause he had finally stopped bashing on the door and after 2 minutes I emerged finding him on the phone to my mother in law telling her that I had ‘locked myself in the room ALL DAY and he was starving to DEATH.’ Funny how a 4 year old can ‘starve to death’ in 5 minutes. My mother in law kept a really close eye on me for along time after that – I am sure she has child protective services on speed dial just incase.
    One other was when I came out to find my 2 and 1 year olds had got hold of my dvd collection and were ‘cleaning’ them with my nail file………
    I no longer poop.

  201. Amber Pelton says:

    “like I just went to outer space and she is all alone”

    I just died laughing because my 4 yr old does the same thing. :)

  202. hull1998@gmail.com says:

    The other day, I heard my son say, “I be careful with dis knife.” :O That was a shortened visit to the loo. He was trying to open a walnut. :/

  203. Rosemary says:

    hehehe :) I keep the door open, which usually results in spending the whole time keeping the baby away from the toilet and potty, but it’s slightly more relaxing than having him wail on the other side of the door. the toddler usually keeps busy doing vaguely ok things. my only really exciting story is when I came out of the shower the other day and they were both watching diggers on youtube…

  204. Nicci says:

    I rarely get to visit the bathroom without the company of my small people. Today, blissfully alone, they were otherwise occupied…..until I needed to call one of them to fetch a new toilet roll. Which my just-2-year old did for me, and even insisted on placing it on the holder himself. Very proud, he was!

  205. Donna J. says:

    I found out the hard way that sometimes very young children/toddlers really do notice what you are doing although they do an excellent job of seeming blissfully unaware. One day I found my 3 year old daughter with a kotex (paper pulled off sticky strip)stuck to her private area, trying to figure out how to get her panties on over it. I must have had quite an expression on my face because she looked up at me with that “Oh crap, I’m in trouble now!” look on her little face. It would have been a wonderful Kodak moment if it hadn’t been a pedophile’s dream.

  206. Layla says:

    I actually like this stage because I know they’re not destroying the house… just the door! ;)

  207. Layla says:

    RIGHT? My tush falls asleep after like five minutes. (Plus that’s all the time I can really afford to take, anyhow.) Hubby’s an hour… MINIMUM.

  208. sarah says:

    my 14 month old is like that. getting stuff out from under cabinet. i dont keep cleaners in there because theres no locks or knobs. i usually put her in her gated play area when i have to go, but if shes sleeping and wakes up thats what happens. oh and the dumping out of stuff while she sings and plays with the dog.
    the bathroom is like my break room where i go to get a 5 minute break.

  209. sarah says:

    you need some green veggies or oatmeal. :P

  210. Renee says:

    my son Zephaniah ( now 6) used to howl at the door demanding “lollies” whenever I had the audacity to be opening a tampon . He insisted that I had a private stash, and that I was depriving him of them. He would roar “share naughty Mummy! Share! whilst pounding the door with his fist and feet!

  211. Karen says:

    I once came out of the bathroom and found my then one year old daughter on top of the refrigerator.

  212. Layla says:

    Do you ever feel like Amber is secretly watching and blogging our lives?

  213. MarcieMom says:

    I hope it’s that funny for me! Have a child with eczema and I couldn’t pee/poo without worrying that my baby will have blood from scratching by the time I’m out of the bathroom. When she’s got older (like 2yo), I just let her throw all the puzzle pieces everywhere just to occupy her for that Less Than 5mins. (When has pooing in peace become a luxury?!)

  214. I had to smile at your comment Kia. It sounded like your husband wanted to sit on your lap while you pooped too. LOL.

  215. I know I’ve read bottle backs when nothing else was available.

  216. I’d probably knock on the wall and say, “Hey kids, can you please slide the comics under the door?”

  217. Mala Ramakrishnan says:

    I had my newborn dangling off one arm and my almost-three year old sitting on my other knee -EVERY morning for two weeks. At the end of it, I hired a morning helper and need therapy. Yikes!

  218. I truly LOL at that one SoccerMama777.

  219. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…. Bottle in their bits and tummy bandages. Love it!

  220. Erin OK says:

    I leave it open too, except when my husband is home and I need some alone time. My 19 month old wants to crawl on my lap and nurse a little more often than I’d like. Or he gets excited and says poop? poop?

  221. Abbi says:

    When my third was a baby, I needed to go potty while I was nursing him…so I used the bathroom while nursing a baby…all the while keeping the other two kids from mischief :)

  222. Naomi E. says:

    My kids enjoy tattle telling on each other to leave me alone for long. The younger one likes to slide stuff under the door to me. The oldest runs my phone to me if it rings. My oldest is also in charge of protecting the baby from the wild brother when I’m indisposed. I often read longer than I actually need to be in there . . .

  223. Shawna says:

    I love the blatant honesty your work. I was certain you were going to address this subject one day….and include a drawing of yourself on the crapper! Bravo!

  224. Sarah says:

    Luckily; I can still throw madame in the babycage (travel cot):D

  225. sarah says:

    one time i called and the lady was a jerk. my then about 8 month old had stood on one leg and somehow reached a small bottle of body spray i had on the coffee table. i was only about 3-4 feet away from her packing the diaper bag and a suitcase to go somewhere for the night. anyway she was putting it in her mouth and it leaked a little. I freaked out and called poison control to see what to watch for and the lady was sooo mean to me. “HOWWWWW did she get that??! You need to put that stuff up where she can’t get it!!” it is put up until i’m using it. how was i to know she’d even be able to stand up and reach it when it was in the middle of a huge octagon coffee table? the lady then told me “you know we have to report this. don’t let this happen again. put everything where she can’t get to it” etc. wow. really made me scared to ever call again, but i did when she tried to eat my deodorant. that time a lady answered and was understanding. during that call my baby 14 months grabbed the deodorant out of my hand to eat more DURING that call haha.

  226. sarah says:

    oh my god hilarious!!

  227. sarah says:

    i hope that’s a joke. you never know.

  228. Ana D. says:

    i have an 18th month old, he just cries and yells when I go. Most of the time I find that doing it while he isn’t looking gives me ample time. Also he is in his crib while I go and daddy is not there to watch him.

  229. Leah Cusick says:

    My darling 2 weeks away from 2 years old #2 son decided to pick 90% of the keyboard buttons off of my laptop the last time I dared close the bathroom door…needless to say I leave it open now, LOL!

  230. Ellie says:

    For me, at the moment, the danger is the opposite scenario – when my 3 yo boy goes to the loo without me. He’s developed a sense of modesty that frankly, he can do without until he learns how to wipe properly. :-/ Yesterday, I was stuck underneath a sick and sleeping baby on the sofa and my older son announced he wanted a pee. He went off for ten minutes and there were ominous bangings of the toilet lid and rustlings of paper. When he reappeared, sans pants and trousers and gooey of bottom (of course I can wipe while breastfeeding! I am well-practiced), I realised that there might be something to clear up in the bathroom. There was. The floor, the walls, the potty bowl, the hand towel, the bath mat, the cistern…

  231. Cyn says:

    We are still in the manic banging door stage here, apparently my going to the bathroom is cause enough for sheer terror that warrants practically hammering the door down with pocessed shreeks of terror to go with the banging. My daughter is 2.5 years old but still hasn’t gotten that no I won’t escape to another dimension or something when I am in the bathroom, so I quit locking the door, she opens it, and run commentary on my commode action : “pee peeeeeeeee?” me saying “No poo poo” and her to correct me saying “NO pee pee” sigh I don;t even have the right to do what I want in the bowl!
    She saves the mass destruction activities when I’m busy folding laundry, or cleaning one of her previous mess, that’s much more fun to see me running from disaster to disaster with a mop and a broom permanently grated in each of my hands :)

  232. Em says:

    I had an incident while in the bathroom once. My 2 year old son decided he wanted to have a rest in mummy’s bed while I pooped – ensuite bathroom – so I thought ‘why not’ and left him on my bed snuggled up. It went quiet. Too quiet! I called him to come see me and when he appeared he was COVERED in red lipstick. I am a makeup consultant and he had raided my zipped closed kit bag and picked out a brand new sealed lipstick in bright red (Cranberry Cream was the shade) and painted his face. And his hands. And the carpet. And anything else his fingers came in contact with! There are still little red handprints on the carpet to this day.

  233. Ana says:

    We are currently rejoicing in the discovery of a magic sentence which seems to create compliance. When I have to leg it to the khazi and leave son number 1 downstairs behind the baby gate, I usually get the despairing “Maaaaammeeeeee?!!!!” to which I reply “Mummy is going for a wee wee and I’ll be back in two seconds. I want you to go and play with your toys. Say YES, MUMMY!” and when he says “eh” (which is his attempt at yes, mummy) it just seems to knock the stuffing out of his protest and he goes to play. Blimmin marvelous, I tell you. Only problem is when he wont say “eh” and I find myself desperately yelling “SAY YES, MUMMY! SAY YES, MUMMY! DARLING? PLEASE SAY YES, MUMMY!!!!!” from the toilet…

  234. Cin says:

    Complete freakout at this! EEEEEEEEEKKKKKK! I don’t know what I would do, probably just fall over and refuse to get back up for the rest of the day.

  235. Elly says:

    ok….my son while 18 months old, during a toilet break..managed to get into the kitchen (baby-gated), open the pantry and retrieve a fun looking bottle, (red food colouring) which he proceeded to drink and spill all down himself and onto the rental carpet! he looked like a clown for several days, and we lost our deposit..despite paying for the carpet to be steam cleaned, serves me right for needing to poop, lmao!!

  236. sarah says:

    Just last week i came out of a loo break to find my 4.5 yr old, 3 yr old and 21mth old bathing and shampooing one of our chickens by the back door. The poor thing was completely saturated. An emergency phone call to my mother-in-law (an authority on all things poultry) told me to blow-dry it until it was at least not drenched. Spent the next 15mins pampering the chicken. My oldest daughter’s comment “now mum, you really should have told us chickens cant be washed”. Fact: I have spent more time in the past 3 months blow-drying chickens than my own hair.
    (This is just one of many toilet-break catastrophes… and yet i persist in a little “alone time”)

  237. Marie says:

    Since our honeymoon, my husband and I have pursued a closed door policy – some things should not be shared. This morning my 18month old shattered the privacy by opening the door to all and sundry. I didn’t realize I needed to starting locking the door so soon. I’m still trying to figure out how she managed to manipulate that handle.

  238. Maureen says:

    mine moved his table and chair to the kitchen counter, climbed up on the table, lifted the chair onto the counter, climbed on the counter, then on the chair, to reach the top shelf of the cabinets where I kept the medicine, he wanted the “Feel Better Loli Pops” that I kept there for sore throats.

  239. Michele Wesdock says:

    The best is when you’re in a public bathroom and you have to keep the kid in the stall with you. Kid: “Mommy you goin’ poop?” “I so pwoud of you, Mommy.” “I give you a pwize if you go poop!” All as he’s trying to look between your legs, of course.

    Me: “I’m not going poop!!!!!”

  240. Beth Smith says:

    wait… you get to go to the bathroom alone? I haven’t gone alone in 6+ years!

  241. Bekka says:

    OMG, I am so glad to hear other big kids are like this! Mine are 15 and 6 (he does get a little leeway tho) and I *still* can’t pee or shower alone!

  242. Danielle says:

    I don’t see the door banging stage EVER ending! My 7 year old will still stand outside the door if I close it and lock it. And, he can be completely absorbed in something, so I go into the bathroom and leave the door open (thinking it is safe), and then he’ll come in and talk my ear off. I can’t do business with a 7 year old talking to me. Meanwhile, the 17 month old will wiggle his fingers under the door (as if the banging on the door is not enough for me to be sure he is really out there)! If I let him in, he wants me to tear off squares of TP so he can drop them into the potty. Fun times :-) PS: It is SO great the way my husband can go into the bathroom and sit there ALL BY HIMSELF for 30 minutes with the door open, but he can’t keep the boys away from the bathroom when I am in there. BIG SIGH! I am just ranting now :-)

  243. Kris says:

    I always have to tell my kids (4 and 2) to get out. One day I had hung a large piece of paper on the outside of the door so they could use their projector. Later that day after I had told them yet again to get out of the bathroom while I was using it and then closed the door, I heard noises on the door. I open the door, and my 4 yo had “written” No Kids Allowed at the top of the paper and then drawn a child with a circle around it and a line through it. I still have it up.

  244. Alison says:

    This post is so right-on! (And btw I was hysterical at the epilogue :))The bathroom is my trump card in any pseudo-argument with my husband about who’s got it harder. (you guys all have those arguments too, right?) I pull out “I haven’t pooped without interruption or an audience in 7 years!” and argument is over, I have won. BOO-yah. Somehow when Daddy’s in the bathroom they’re suddenly all respectful of privacy… SMH.

  245. Angie says:

    My little guy was about 3 years old when this happened. I went to the bathroom and in the 3 minutes I was gone, he had ingested an entire king size Hershey’s bar. It was all over his face when he said “I would have asked, but you were in the bathroom.”

  246. Charlotte says:

    I have learned to just keep the door open. My 2 year old always comes checking on me, making sure I am ok and informing me of my progress: Mamma pee? Mamma POOP???!? Mamma done? Mamma flush poop! NOOO! YOOOOOUUU flush!!!! (You means me, ie him in this case, we’re working on it…)Mamma wash hand? You wash hand! NOOOO! You no wash hand!

    Same happens when I take a shower, and hubby is watching the kids. I always end up with my son in the bathroom, informing me of how my shower is progressing. (Wash hair, turn off water, DONE!, dry off, brush hair, ARM! (deodorant, he always has to have some too))

    And I’m glad I’m not the only one that has to read on the bathroom. Even if it’s shampoo bottles. :D

  247. melissa says:

    Right now I’m just so glad not to be alone in this. I guess we will never know why it’s too much to ask for pee alone.

  248. Leigh says:

    My son is convinced that if I go into the bathroom without him I may never return so always comes with, just in case. He then climbs our towel rail (it does look rather ladder- like) and shouts for his favourite TV character, Fireman Sam, to rescue him. Fun times!

  249. My 2 year old daughter yells (at the top of her lungs) through the door “PUUUUUUUSH MAMA! PUUUUUUUSH!” I will also see her sweet little fingers protruding and wiggling about from beneath the door. Then, when she feels I have been successful she will yell “YAY MAMA!” and clap her little hands.
    The coaching she provides always makes me and hubby giggle a little because I am a doula and we think she learned it from watching birth videos : D

  250. Amanda B says:

    My 3 yr old grabs whatever electronic device he can find. The la[top, camera, cell phone.. . He pushes as many buttons as he can before you take it away. My 1 yr old just sits outside the door and screams.

  251. Maureen says:

    hysterical!

  252. Andi says:

    They usually follow me into the bathroom and demand that I hurry up and come play with them or something. I would love it if they just left me alone and ruined something else and left me in peace.

  253. Leslie says:

    Big tub of oatmeal opened and spread all over the living room floor!!!

  254. Christina says:

    My 4-year old and my 18-month old like to play “mom’s in the bathroom”. It goes like this: they empty a cupboard in the kitchen, my 4-year old climbs in and closes the door, and my little one opens it repeatedly while her sister closes it and yells “hey, get lost, I’m in the bathroom”. This is proof that they really do listen to me sometimes.

  255. Xena Horvath says:

    Hahaha! This is so true! I am a single mom so it’s easy to see that stuff like this happens here all the time. The worst happened just last week when I literally was in the bathroom going potty for a whole minute. In that one minute of time, my daughter managed to take off her diaper and leave a big pile right on my carpet! Then when I walked in the room, she jumped on my bed and got it all over!!!!!

  256. muddledmom says:

    It never failed that when my son was 2 and I was on the toilet, I would hear a chair being pushed across the kitchen to the counter…where all the sharp knives and other such things were! Needless to say, I never had any peace and if I had to go, I had to do it fast.

  257. Andrea says:

    Steve A! Good story!

    And I have to say that until this post it never occurred to me that I could replace the non-functioning lock on the bathroom door with a *functioning* one and thereby transition from the barging-on-in phase to a marginally more civilized door-banging one.

  258. Cynthia says:

    My two year old loves to flush, and he doesn’t always wait until I’m done.

  259. mara says:

    Mine is more gross than funny, but once I forgot to close the baby gate, and when I was in the bathroom my 2-year-old got into the cat’s litter-box. Instant bathtime.

    Hehas also locked me out, but I was able to shimmy in tnrough the bedroom window.

  260. Kimberly says:

    I’m even not allowed to go to the bathroom by myself. If the door is closed (or, goodness forbid, locked) all panic ensues.

    ps. your blog makes me happy.

  261. Kimberly says:

    LOL. This comment has made my day!

  262. melyssa says:

    My four year old son just has to accompany me and hurry things along for me. The other day he was staring at me as I went and finally said, “well, you could do this a lot faster if you had a hot dog.”

  263. Danielle says:

    Haha! I usually don’t comment, but I had to on this one! Pillow Pet Massacre of 2011… bwahahahaha! Thanks for that!

  264. LynnyK says:

    I feel your pain! I guess the worst would have to be my 6yr old – when he was around 2-3 yrs old he would almost always grab hold of the tomato sauce and empty it out on the coffee table and himself.. of course it had to be the coffee table with lots of nooks and crannies which made it impossible to clean! *groan*

  265. The worst my two have done is pull all the books off the bookshelves in one massive pile. Normally, I just hold it or at least wait until the 1yr old is taking a nap. If I am in an emergency situation, I take them in with me put it’s hard when the little one is unrolling all the toilet paper and the 3 yr old is flushing for me.

    BTW. I had no idea what a diva cup was. Is this a foreign thing I’ve never heard of or am I an just been living under a rock for too long?

  266. What? What would a hot dog do? Give you indigestion?

  267. Danielle says:

    Haha! My 3yr old and I were in a public restroom the other day and someone in the next stall let out a rip roaring fart. I swear the walls shook! My son looked at me very apalled and said in an insulted voice, “MOM! Did you fart?! Do we need to check your underwear?” That is what I ask him everytime he has a loud, explosive fart. I almost died laughing! And the person in the next stall stayed very quiet until we were walking out…

  268. Tonya says:

    Bathroom favorites:
    1) When sweet little fingers poke under the bottom of the door: “Do you see me, Mommy?”
    2) When they come bursting in and promptly exclaim how awfully STINKY it is in here!!!!! Well yeah, that is why the door was closed, kiddo!

    These husband comments are making me LOL! My husband is like a newborn: a little in, a little out. As SOON as supper is over, he has to “drop some kids of at the pool”. I need to figure out how to schedule MY poops for dinner dishes & clean up time!

    So. Not. Fair.

  269. Stephanie says:

    I miss the banging on the door/joining me in the bathroom thing, my 2 year would do that (he just died last month from cancer). My 4 year old is in the silent stage, though usually he’s not doing anything bad. Right now it’s my 8 month old that I worry about. He always seems to find something to chew on, like a box or his brother’s toy. So then I come out and find either a sibling dispute or a very soggy something that he shouldn’t have. Usually something his brother knocked on the floor.

  270. Kristen says:

    I need to know where to buy this chocolate coffee.

  271. Lauren says:

    My 4 yo daughter gave herself a pretty sweet mullet in the few short minutes it took to go to the bathroom. The long, blonde, cascading curls that ran halfway down her back were roughly hacked off with a pair of tiger safety scissors and left for dead under her easel.
    The funny thing was, in the moments before I stepped out of the room, she was giving her 2 yo sister a lecture on how scissors were for “cutting paper only”.

  272. Lisa says:

    I’m glad I’m not alone in the must read something category… but it is shampoo or lotion. Meanwhile my husband takes his ipod, psp, or tablet into the bathroom and plays video games or reads crap on the internet for the hour it takes him to do his business. I now know that if we need to go somewhere and he says, “I need to use the bathroom first.”… we’re going to be very late!

  273. Tricia says:

    It bothers my husband if I keep the door open. So now I close it and my bathroom experience goes like this: 10 week old laying on the floor in the bathroom with me smiling and cooing (because if I leave her with daddy she screams), my 4 year old laying on the floor on the other side, kicking the door complaining he is hungry (because even though daddy is in the living room, he can’t ask him for something to eat), and my 7 year old slipping “presents” (pictures she drew) under the door. Oh and of course, can’t forget the cat who for some reason always jumps out of the bathtub to surprise me. Oh someday I may have potty party all by myself.

  274. Sara says:

    Haha! My not-quite 2 year old likes to ‘help’ me wipe.

  275. Krystal says:

    I made my 2-y-o son come in the bathroom with me then I proceeded to get lost in a magazine. Then I heard “I’m purple!”
    He was sitting on the floor painting himself with my nail polish. Just then I realized how strong the nail polish smell was in the bathroom. Guess I’d missed it.

  276. Heather says:

    Hahahahah! Yes! I remember my two year old coming into the bathroom and proudly saying “Mama! I keened it!” Unfortunately he had decided to “clean” his bathroom mirror with hand soap.

  277. That is definitely pure Awesome!! I imagine you will never live it down ;-)

  278. Lisa says:

    My teenagers balk when they walk into my room and see my knees near the bathroom door (indicating that I’m sitting on my throne) because my door is never closed when I go for the very same reasons as you. “Ah! Aw, Mooooommmm! Why don’t you close the door when you are doing THAT?!!” I just laugh and say, “I’m sorry, YOU trained me to go potty this way!” :)
    What’s hilarious is when I’m at a friend’s house and have to remind myself to close the door. :/ (ack!)

  279. Heather says:

    This is so flippin hilarious. I love the baby shoveling the instant coffee with both hands. And YES! to your entire post, the banging on the door, then the erie quiet. I remember once being very fed up and yelling thru the door “Can I PLEASE have just TWO mintes to be left alone!’ Two minutes later I hear the “time out” timer going off outside the door and my son saying “OK. Two minutes is up, you can come out now.” and little baby brother “out now, mama”

  280. Jess says:

    In tears of laughter!!!!!!!!! Holy Cow, I can hardly type for the laughter.
    Thanks!

  281. Lisa says:

    I could have written your comment… lol… I have an 18, 15 and 11 year old. Same thing. You have to ask if you can have a cup of juice? Only if I’m in the bathroom though…

  282. Nichole P says:

    My 2 year old son tells me “good job mommy, good job!” and claps for me
    LOL the encouragement is a bit more than i need at that point in time :) but he is too cute to kick out.

  283. Meggin D says:

    Either I’m breastfeeding #2 while in the bathroom and/or my 3 year old is in with me, and trying to crawl on my lap. He’s not toilet trained yet..so has no idea how counter productive it is to try and poop with someone climbing all over you. I’m not sure that I’ve been to the bathroom alone since he was born… :( But thank you for a good laugh about it!

  284. Sabrina says:

    Just today, I got home expecting to find my visiting MIL and SIL home – who had earlier begged me to watch my 16 month old baby while I was at work instead of taking him to daycare, then were nowhere to be found when I came home early. Figures. I had put off peeing as long as humanly possible (which isn’t long after you’ve had a baby, I’ve found out…), so I put him down and go to the bathroom to pee, like I do most days when we get home. He can have full run of the downstairs, I leave the door open, sometimes he helps by performing a courtesy flush, or shutting me in the toilet seat, or running off with the toilet paper… Anyway, I’ve got my pants down, just starting to sit, I mean I’m really at my limits here, I look over and the gate to the stairs is wide open and he’s on his way up. Wood stairs, tile at the bottom, SOMEONE who doesn’t live here left it open. It’s awesome. I make a girly strangled squeaky yell sound, consider peeing and hoping for the best and then deciding against it, do the peepee dance long enough to get stuff under control, pull my pants up and run across the living room. Accident free, good job mommy! Yay Kegels! For once, you came through for me! Thank God I didn’t sneeze. . .

  285. Sabrina says:

    OMG, I love it. :)

  286. Heather says:

    My hubby does sudoku in the bathroom. “Puzzle Boy” sometimes takes forever.

  287. Em says:

    If shitting was an Olympic event my husband would be champion of the world! Why? Well; He includes it on his weekend to do list; he saves things to do while he’s on the loo “oh yeah well I’ll just do that whilst I’m crapping”; he saves phone calls to do until he craps; he has to announce where he’s going just in case I need him in an emergency and forget where he’s gone; He avoids fibre to prolong the experience… I could go on, but I wont.

  288. Em says:

    Sudocream Kelly. That’s all I’m sayin’

  289. Em says:

    I have three doors that all lock between me and the children. I don’t care if they destroy the house. I’m having my few moments of peace regardless.

  290. Sam says:

    OMG I’ve set off my reflux again laughing at all of that. All I can say is IT’S SOOOO GOOD TO KNOW I’M NOT ALONE! I thought pooping with your toddler on your lap trying to cuddle and have a conversation was something that I only got suckered into! I tried to go alone just this morning and ended up with the banging on the door! I’m in need of completely emptying all cupboards and drawers cause I’ve decided with a newborn ariving in 4 weeks and my 20mth old I’m locking em both in there with me! I shudder to think what could happen on a potty break.

  291. laura says:

    my daughter brought play-doh into the office and dropped it on the carpet, and stepped on it because it made “neat prints” apparently she didn’t know that it would get squished into the carpet and make a stain.

  292. Jak says:

    No kids of my own, but I’ve been told about one time when one of my parents went on a potty break they came back to find me covered in lotion from head to toe. Not a little bit of lotion, a lot of it. Like, an entire bottle’s worth. I then proudly declared “look mom, I’ve got skin!” I don’t even know what she did to clean that stuff off of me.

    My father informs me that I was 8 or 9 before I stopped barging in on him to talk while he was in the bathroom. Of course by this time my younger sister was only four and still loved doing this, and my youngest sister had just been born. This was everyone’s favorite activity, I guess, and the perfect time to chat with him :D

  293. Cathy says:

    Mine are now 19(still at home) and 20(in New York) and when they were little,if they were banging on the door doing the “mama” call,it was them sticking their fingers and hands under the bathroom door. The first few times they did it damn near scared the life out of me.Now? Their cats have to come in and watch,be petted,meow at me or sit on my lap

  294. Charlotte says:

    I am so sorry for your loss, Stephanie.

  295. Rhonda says:

    Oh, my most horrifying moment was after I heard my son run to the bathroom door crying and yelling, “BOOBOO!!!” I opened the door to find him holding an orange with my sharpest knife sticking straight into it, lots of gashes in the orange and his finger bleeding (just a minor cut, thankfully). He had never touched knives before (he knew he wasn’t supposed to) but had seen me peeling an apple with one the day before and wanted to try. I felt like the worst mother in the world that day, and I still thank my lucky stars he has all his fingers.

  296. Elisabeth says:

    My just-turned-one year old comes to the door, flattens himself like a ninja, turns his head sideways on the wood floor, looks under the door and says, “Hi! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY” 400,000 times until I come out.

  297. Elisabeth says:

    hee hee about being shut in the seat– hee hee!

  298. mrsculpepper says:

    my smallest one (2yo) has taken to commenting “ewwh. ewwh.” every time she walks in on me taking care of menstrual business. she can’t look away though. she is fascinated.

  299. Katey (TwoPinkBugs) says:

    I found out that super glue is nontoxic because of a potty break. Where did it come from…I never found out but my 1 year old who was napping on the floor woke up and decided that her two very new nice teeth were ment to go through a super glue tube. I FREAKED out. It was the worst ER visit ever. $200 to have them hand me a wash cloth…

  300. My son is not allowed in the bathroom unless he is in the tub and confined to one space. After having to take the toilet completely off to pull out a night light the other day… hopefully when it comes time to teach him how to use the potty he will still be fascinated by it but in a better way!

    When I have to go he runs for the TV. My 3 yr old broke the gate so now it serves no purpose… he goes through it and into the living room the second he knows I am gone. My three year old on the other hand has to come in and tell me that she wants to “watch.” She also wants me to watch her go too… in other words she wants some company and figures that I need that company as well.

  301. Kathy C says:

    Reading this blog and the comments has been the most enjoyable 20 minutes of the evening. My stomache hurts from laughing so much!

  302. Hey Amber, my name’s Lee. First comment I’ve left here but I think your blog is absolutely hilariously great. In fact, I’m giving it as a gift to all of my readers this year, just thought you’d like to know! Merry Christmas!

  303. Stephanie says:

    OMG. I have to add this. So at 11:30pm I went into the bathroom and decided, Wow I’m finally in here and not in a rush. My ever so helpful hubby had told me the day before about a good article I should read (you know, during my long potty breaks with a 5, 3 and 1 yr old!) So I thought, I’ll read a little. Of course at that moment the 3 yr old wakes up and comes into the bathroom (opens the shut door) and probably would have sat on me if I didn’t get up. Can’t even have any peace at night!

  304. nikki says:

    OMG my hubby is like that too..im doing the hop and ‘dunny dance” as he calls it waiting to go so he can watch the one yr old…bahahaha

  305. Chaya says:

    My husband dedicates about a 1/3 of his life to the bathroom! He has long, complicated physics books that he dwells on for hours on end… It is definitely a man thing.

  306. Lori says:

    Yes! My 2 year old knows what toilet paper is for, so he hovers and continually tries to reach a square towards my butt. He doesn’t get that I really REALLY don’t want his help. I have to be gentle about it lest I traumatize him and make potty training that much harder.

  307. Taryn says:

    I remember the first few months of Charlotte’s life, as soon as J. got home from work, I would throw her at him and run to the bathroom, screaming “ohmygodihavetogosoooobadly!!!!”
    We’re deep into potty-training territory now, Charlotte’s favourite is for us to go at the same time. I love this game :)

  308. Olivia says:

    Ugh. We had so, so many bad things happen when I was pooping. My husband got upset with me once and said I just needed to keep a closer eye on our son.

    My response?

    “I’M SORRY I HAD TO SHIT!!! SOMETIMES I HAVE TO SHIT!!!”

  309. sari says:

    my 3 year old always asks if she can come in and wipe my bum. no matter how many times I tell her that, no, I have that under control, she still asks. its worse when she yells it out to me from outside the cubicle in public toilets.

  310. Maura says:

    omg if that was a full bag of Funk Rock… quite the expensive bathroom trip.

  311. Kristen says:

    That is sooo my hubby. I can’t even pee in privacy but he gets a 2 hr vacay to poo!

  312. Diane says:

    Hah, That one made me laugh! My daughter taste tests foods too. One day she thought she had grabbed an “green” apple but she was very disappointed and very vocal about her disappointment when it turned out to be a yucky, her words, avocado. :D

    As to the potty break time, my daughter is in the cheer leader mode now. Never leaves me alone and wants to see what I’m doing….sigh.

  313. Diane says:

    My daughter caught me changing my pad once. She told everyone she met that day that Mommy wears a diaper. :(

  314. Robyn says:

    Best bathroom break ever: My boys (1 and 3) climbed in the crib together and jumped up and down until the whole thing collapsed… Splintered wood, screaming children, and NO CRIB FOR NAP TIME! Awesome.

  315. Sarah says:

    I took a shower by myself and the kids found the dry erase pens and decorated the bedroom door, the carpet and each other…

  316. Regina says:

    LOLOLOL, Thank you, Thank you all for all the giggling and cackling…this has truly made my evening and brought JOY to my spirit, to read all these hilarious, wonderful stories. To know, I am not ALONE! (ever! hehe) My stories are similar to some, thankfully, not to others, but numerous enough with 10 to absolutely relate to all. Once again, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! =)

  317. Darcie says:

    I would like to see something about the double standard of mom vs. dad, e.g. she sneaks away and is back in a flash – he needs 30 minutes to himself to get the job done!

  318. J-Girl says:

    My then 3 year old had pulled a chair up next to the fish tank – I came out of the bathroom to her proudly declaring “Look Mummy I caught Fellow” – I think the look opf shok on my face said it all! lol

  319. Marsanne says:

    Oh my gosh! I have been reading for a while, and swearing that you really have my child-incarnate. Seriously.

    This is important: we live out in the woods; I’m talking boonies, here. When my youngest was about 3 years old, I went to the bathroom and left him unattended in the living room, watching tv. I’m sitting on the toilet (of course!) and I hear this really small voice saying “Mommy, where are ewe?” I’m thinking, “Wow, he seems really far away.” All of a sudden, I realize I am hearing him through the bathroom window! He’s outside, unattended, at the edge of the woods! I jump up, rush through my duties and get out there. Our neighbor heard him too, and kept him occupied until I got there, thank goodness. I promptly had a latch installed on the inside of the front door, so I could keep him contained from escaping.

    It’s always an adventure with boys! Your blog is great, I’ve read it every day since I found it. Thanks for the laughs!

  320. Sarah says:

    Oh yes…the other day my almost 3 year old drew all over my coffee table with a red sharpie. Sigh.

  321. melyssa says:

    I think we’re both preoccupied with toilets – I wrote a blog posting about our peculiar malady here a few months ago: http://thedazeofus.blogspot.com/2011/08/problem-with-bathrooms-these-daze.html

    Us poor mammas! we really need to get out more, huh?

  322. sara says:

    Hahaha! I too have been known to read the back of a shampoo bottle in the bathroom. EEEK I thought I was the only one!

  323. plumbing says:

    I remember one time when my nephew’s mom was in the bathroom. What he did was, he scattered baby powder all over the floor. Naughty but cute.

  324. LeahM says:

    I could totally see that happening at my house. But, what usually happens is that I get an onslaught of Hotwheels shooting in from under the door.

  325. Heather says:

    Did he sleep after the coffee incident? I ask because I have ADHD, my husband and oldest (and I suspect my newest as well) have it, too. Caffeine=calm time for us. So there’s this test for ADHD where you give the kid a cup of coffee and if they bounce of the walls, they probably don’t have ADHD (doesn’t rule out ADD, just ADHD), but if they seem calm, normal or conk out? Yeah, that’s pretty much a sign that you either gave them decaf or they have it.

    BTW, I love your blog.

  326. Tracy says:

    Oh thank goodness I’m not the only one! My 15 month old will have a meltdown and will insist on being in my lap to either nurse, have me read her a book, or just wants to hang out on my lap.
    Alone time? What’s that? =P

  327. Tracy says:

    LOL! What is it with men? I have threatened to take hubby’s laptop away because he brings it in with him. He occasionally gets banned for awhile from the good bathroom when the LO has to go and hubby takes 5 minutes to wipe, and no amount of me harassing him that she can’t wait that long will get him to move faster. Dude, just wipe and stand up already, she can’t hold it that long.

  328. Lisa says:

    “Eyes are attached to his a–hole”

    My hat is off to you, outstanding observation. Really excellent.

  329. Lisa says:

    We call his ipad and “ipotty” now. He can’t poop without it. :)

  330. Carol Gardens says:

    Now I am seriously laughing! I forgot all about the reactions of my teens when I had an infant in the house…door open..they come in the house…and I don’t even know they are home…so they overreact…and now I can laugh even more about it, thanks to your line,”..you trained me to go potty this way.”One teen solved the problem for himself;when he comes in the front door, he yells,”Hi Honey, I’m home!”…My response is,”Oh!I am so glad!”

  331. Carol Gardens says:

    I love it!

  332. Carol Gardens says:

    ok..now I am in pain from laughing so hard…I think I will lie down for a while….

  333. Carol Gardens says:

    too funny!!!

  334. Carol Gardens says:

    Wow..I wish I had heard about caffeine and ADD ! When someone first suggested to me that coffee could calm the anxiety of people with ADD, I tried it on my son(who was 16)and it worked like magic! The rule became”come home from school, make coffee, drink coffee, do your homework.” Soon after, my husband came into the kitchen to find his son drinking coffee,”Does your mother know that you’re drinking COFFEE?!!!” Son’s answer,”Yes—she MAKES me drink it!!!”Now ,he prefers tea..everyone thinks he is so mellow…

  335. So far, so good on this front. It hasn’t yet occurred to my son that he can take advantage of that time.

  336. anna holmes says:

    mine is still in the climbing my leg while im in the bathroom stage. he is 9 months.

  337. Kristin Shaw says:

    I have to admit, I’ve read the shampoo bottle on the toilet too. Just discovered your blog via Parents, and I’m cracking up. Your irreverent posts and hilarious stick-figure posts are making me think, “Why didn’t I think of that?” But of course, that’s not really my style… and I can’t stand the word “c-r-a-p”. I can’t even say it. I spell it. Which is dumb. Anyway, love your blog!

  338. Jenna says:

    The other day I let my daughter play with glitter for the first time… outside so there wasn’t any mess. In the 30 freaking seconds that I was in the bathroom she crawled in through the dog door and I found her standing over the baby on my bed shaking the little container of glitter like it was a polaroid picture screaming “Mommy, I making baby brother PRETTY!”

  339. Melody says:

    My favorite Mom-in-the-bathroom-story. Our youngest, and only girl, would lie on the floor outside the door, waiting for me. She would talk to me, quietly, and slide her little fingers in under the door. I can still see them. Sometimes it was very cute; let the reader understand! She is just about to turn 17.

  340. Lindy says:

    My 3 year old son has broken all the eggs in the fridge onto the kitchen floor, and then of course, walked through it and trampled the egg mess into other areas of the house, on about 4 different bathroom occasions in 2011. There was also the time he got into our game cupboard and started playing with the cranium game on the kitchen floor. Guess he didn’t like it much, because he then dumped an entire bottle of canola oil onto the game and floor. Fun times!

  341. emy says:

    I remember the day after 6 years of having my first child and 4 of having the second and 3 of having the third.Closed the bathroom door for the first time, trusting that my hubby will keep an eye on the boys.Finally, I though me and my thoughts..2 second later 4 of them knocking at the door “honey…,mommy moomy”

    bathroom door locked freaked my husband out. And since then we went back the family tradition door open, nothing saperate us from each other :-)

  342. Well, let’s see. Things to date my tot (now 3) has done while I desperately RUSHED to go pee:

    1)Corn and peas in ear! (I even have a picture of it, because I couldn’t believe it)
    2)Blue Crayon on beige carpet,
    3)Marker all over face.
    4)Laptop for blogging hidden under his reading corner chair.

    Regarding:

    1) He was over a year old and eating his veggies and I couldn’t wait any longer so I rushed while he was buckled into his Stokke high chair. I guess he thought it was a good fit.

    2) and 3) Don’t know where he keeps finding these.

    4) His way of telling me it was time for more 100% quality time with him and that computer time was up!

  343. Alison says:

    Somewhat related, 20 month old runs out of bathroom with toilet paper in her mouth. Toilet paper from the toilet. The unflushed toilet. Bleeeeeech.

  344. Larry's Girl says:

    Your blog makes me want kids even more than I already wanted kids … no kidding!

    (Cue crazy laugh, yes, I know!)

  345. Eileen says:

    My son lets himself in and claps and cheers “good job momma! Poops on the potty! High fives!”

  346. Amy says:

    I don’t worry about my 4 year old anymore when I go to the bathroom but I take my 17 month old son in with me and let him play in the shower… it is a walk in with a glass door. I often fear his banging on that door will cause it to shatter but I try hard to distract him… I tell him there is a mouse living in the drain and he looks in there, which gives me a few seconds. He is also obsessed with lights so I tell him to look up at the lights which gives me a few more seconds. I am FAST… I always wonder why it takes my husband 20 minutes to do his business. I wish I had 20 minutes in the bathroom, even if just ONCE a week! Sounds like heaven.

  347. holsch85@yahoo.com says:

    You mean, they actually let you use the bathroom by yourself? I still have my 3 year old trying to sit in my lap while I lose a load lol! Duuude, privacy…please! Maybe I should leave candy within reach in the kitchen and just deal with it later. ANYTHING to get 3-5 minutes of alone bathroom time!

  348. Lynnette says:

    I was visiting family over the holidays and arrived unannounced at my sister’s house one morning. I saw some movement at the kitchen window as I approached the front door, but the door was locked. She didn’t open it right away, which I thought was odd. So being goofy, I was knocking and squishing my face into the window, and I saw her come down the hallway toward the door in a bathrobe with a towel on her head. She fumbled with the lock and we both stood staring in disbelief at her two toddlers, standing naked on a chair at the overflowing kitchen sink (the movement in the kitchen I had seen), “cleaning” with a sopping towel. There was a large box of Froot Loops dumped on the floor and they were covered up to their ankles with colorful crushed cereal as they washed other things, like the dining table where their discarded clothes and diapers sat. The living room was un-navigable and as I crouched to start scooping up toys, I kneeled in chunks of nectarine that had been peeled and squished into the carpet. The carpet seemed overly wet for a couple of nectarines, and I soon found 6 juice boxes which had been punctured and presumably used for squirt guns. Needless to say, I helped clean, and later suggested perhaps she shower after the kids go to bed and said a quiet word of thanks that my own kids are beyond those days.

  349. Emma says:

    Yup, I actually had tears reading your comment! My 2 yr old always asks questions when we’re in a public restroom, which I feel weird answering when I know others are listening… but so far no “do we need to check your underwear” questions!

  350. Just found your blog – Love it! I will be visiting often!

  351. Sara says:

    Ahhh, it’s all coming back to me. Our learning puppy died quite a while ago and is collecting dust in the laundry room. I put it in there with the intention of cleaning it as it had been thrown in the toilet – but I’m at a loss as to how to clean it – I’m positive dousing or submerging it in water would be bad for it – even though it has already been silenced by the toilet. I can’t bring myself to throw it out – laziness? Hope? Anyway, I too thought the learning puppy was obnoxious and on top of it all, my son never showed any interest in it. Just before it died, he finally started to like it (probably why it died – interest leads quickly into brokenness) The nose would sneeze when you push it, only after telling you it’s a “nose”, and then it’s a “red nose” in it’s overly-caffeinated Disney voice.

  352. hmb331 says:

    I had a day of disaster which all started with a trip to the bathroom.

  353. Christine says:

    OMG these comments had me rolling! My kids are 7 and 10 and I have banned them from the bathroom while I’m going potty and showering. They’re pretty good about it. I just wish my older would take cues from the younger and close the door!

  354. Brenda says:

    With two little boys (now are 10 & 13) I couldn’t get a moments peace when they were young. I recall one shower (always super fast) that my son came bursting in the door all upset and wanted me to come out to the kitchen. I threw on a towel and raced out there to find he had opened a full gallon of milk and it was laying on it’s side on the counter, spilling..”glug, glug, glug” all over the counter, down the front of the dishwasher and onto the floor! I stood there, speechless for a moment before rushing to action, in my towel! Never a dull moment. ;-)

  355. erika says:

    Lmao. Thank you for this.

  356. OMG! I had to wait to stop crying because I was laughing so hard! This seriously made my day! LMBO!

  357. Patti says:

    Pshaw! I can top all y’all! I went to the bathroom after grocery shopping, son was oooh about 1 1/2. I had already put all the “cold stuff” away and had to go potty.
    Son was sitting on the floor in the kitchen playing in the pots and pans cabinet. Stupid me thinking,”Oh, he’ll be ok for a couple minutes…”
    After sitting on the throne, I could no longer hear the banging of the pots and pans and baby babble it got quiet. Then I hear an,”uh oh!”
    *cringes*
    My son some how some way opened a HUGE bottle of COOKING OIL!!!!!!! And POURED IT ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!! It was almost gallon size(Hey, it was on sale and I had a coupon!)
    Holy sh!t! If that ever happens again, I swear I am moving! I’m just going to leave EVERYTHING in the kitchen and move!~ That crap took FOREVER to clean including a whole new case of paper towels I had just bought! I would’ve asked for advice online, but that was before everybody and everyone had a computer and those that did had dial up(Before high speed internet)…
    Oh lordy, I think the floors were slick as heck for a whole year that we were there! I went through a lot of area rugs to help with the slipperiness!(Is that a word? lol)
    He looked up to me with the big blues eyes crying and said,”I sorry mama, pwease don’t kill me…”*insert awwwwwww*

  358. Kyoki says:

    I begin to think that I’m the only mom who’s three year old is cool with just hanging out while I go. He’ll occasionally stop by as I’m going in and look as if he might need in there, so I’ll ask “Do you want to come in with me?” and he usually thinks for a sec and then says “No thank you, Mama. I’m good.” and then he wanders off to watch TV or play with the dog.

  359. Kyoki says:

    Don’t most days start with a trip to the bathroom?

  360. last week.. my “Crappy 3 year old” who typically is banging the door but has now moved into the doing-bad-things-while-mommy-craps phase… decided to take a full bottle of honey off the counter… ran upstairs and poured it all over the bathroom floor (tile thank god!) then mustve felt badly because there were WADS of toilet paper all over the floor where she tried to clean it up. Toilet paper + honey = more work for mommy than had she left it the hell alone! haha! great columns! I share on FB and all my friends love it!

  361. One of the more “WTF did I get myself into?” moments in parenting involved holding a screaming, sobbing toddler on my lap WHILE I pooped.

  362. Cindy says:

    This same EXACT thing happened to me. Only my child walked over to the only rug in the entire house and proceeded to RUB the entire half pound of decaf grounds into the rug. $115 later, my rug has a huge bleach spot on it, but no coffee stains….

  363. Mary says:

    Oh, this one is hilarious! Love it. Thanks for sharing.

  364. Jen from VA says:

    Sadly mine was scary. My 3rd child who, up til that point had NEVER gotten into the kichten cabinets, decided to wait until we moved into our new house. 1 week aftyer we move in, I take about 60 seconds to go to the bathroom…while in there my middle child (about 5 at the time) comes in “mommy, Emma is eating Abby’s medicine” WHAT?!?!?!??!?!?! Sure enough…my not quiet 2 yr old had knocked down the kicthen gate, pulled a dinning room chair over to the kitchen counter, climbed up into the counter, opened the cabinet and gotten her sister’s meds off the TOP SHELF. Scared the dickens outta me. I generally go to the bathroom when their napping now. lol

  365. Rosemary S says:

    My kids would grab one of their little books and sit on the floor and “read” to me while I was in the bathroom. At least I would know where they were, even if the book was about Bert and Ernie. (sigh)
    Now…if the darn PHONE would quit ringing EVERY time I was in the bathroom!

  366. Hilarious! My little guy MUST come in with me. No matter what! My older is fine out there on her own, no troubles, and no privacy for me yet…

  367. Jessica B. says:

    My 2 year old son snuck away to the kitchen. He figured out the fridge lock. He got a spoon from the drawer. He grabbed one of the jello shots I recently made for a friend’s grad party. He pried the sucker open. I see a small nibble. Thanking the gods above that my kids don’t like the texture of Jello. Saved me some sick kids, a call to poison control, and the knowledge to invest in a trickier fridge lock. *Sigh*

  368. Karen says:

    As young kids, my little sister and I loved hearing about and frequently requested a repeat telling of the times my grandmother found my mother and her twin sister hiding behind the couch (circa 1950-1951): once to eat cigarettes, and once more to eat mothballs.

  369. Karen says:

    I work as a homecare pediatric nurse with Special Needs kids and when I am home alone with them and have to ‘use the facilities’, oh man is it ever with the door wide open, hovering with my panties around my thighs, and both ears trained out the door, peeing in hyperdrive!

  370. CM says:

    So, you know how, as a mom, you sometimes can’t get dressed in the morning for way too long? Well, there I would be, topless, on the toilet, and my little toddler would walk by the open door and see. She’d look at me with THE cutest, almost-shy smile and promptly walk up beside me and nurse a bit on one side and then the other. hehehe.

  371. jennifer says:

    thanks god im not the only one, ive had serveral incidents with my 2 year old. now normally its banging on the door til it pops open and she wants to sit on my lap or i come out to cereal ALL over ther floor (whole box). yesterday i was doing my business before getting ready for work and shes supposed to be taking a nap in her room i open her door to find a poop covered naked baby with poop on the walls and toys and carpet. another incident i was going to the bathroom came out to find my bedroom door open i peek around the corner and shes covered in nail polish that i didnt know existed. while i waited for my mom to bring nail polish remover over i made my daughter stay in the bathroom while i tried to keep the nailpolish in the carpet wet and i walk into the bathroom and she found my cocoa butter massaging it all over her body.

  372. It doesn’t get better as they get older. My 15 year old always has something to talk to me about while I’m in the bathroom.

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