INTRO: I've been wanting to share a few "real life parenting" moments but I don't have any photos. Everybody hates text only posts. So I drew some really crappy pictures to illustrate. Here goes…
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I have a four year old and a one year old. The one year old is still in diapers. Changing the diaper of a one year old is much more difficult with a four year old in the room.
And this is why.
No matter what, the moment I'm changing a diaper is the exact moment that my four year old suddenly, desperately needs to tell me something.
He presents his news as being so unbeliveable that it MUST be told to me right at this exact minute and of course I have to be facing him, looking him in the eyes while he tells me this unbelievable thing.
Whether or not poop is involved and the amount of the poop positively correlates with the urgency of his need for my attention.
If you suck at statistics this means MORE poop = MORE need mama.
At least I think. I suck at statistics.
Usually, I am very prepared for this situation.
One time recently though, I made a mistake. I was not prepared for poop. It was one of those phantom poops when you have no idea it is in there and you aren't armed and ready with wipes and distractions.
I turned my head away from the baby for just one second as I'm opening the diaper, to tell my four year old that it will be just a minute, thinking it was just pee we were dealing with.
The changing of a diaper transforms the baby into a spastic octopus. Dipping both heels and hands in the poop and flinging it all around the room like a lawn sprinkler.
Which is exactly what happened.
Moments later, in an attempt to deal with the situation, I have poop on my hands and arms and a heaping mound of soiled paper towels at my feet.
I sweetly explain to four year old that it will be a bit longer, that there is an extreme poop situation I'm dealing with here. I know I'm walking on eggshells.
Unfortunately, this extended time spent cleaning up has ignited an angry monster in my four year old. He MUST tell me his unbelievable thing. NOW!
He is getting more and more impatient, louder and louder and more and more angry.
MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!
The noise of him screaming MAMA! is deafening.
MAMA! I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!
Okay, what is it, honey? Just tell me!
NO, YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT ME!!!
He is stomping his feet now and his face is turning red and tears are streaming down his cheeks. It sounds like someone is physically torturing him. MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!
MAMA! MAMA!
My nerves are like daggers having had to block out being screamed at while trying to contain the poop explosion.
MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!
But finally, the poop is mostly wiped up and the baby is secured in a clean diaper. I no longer need to focus 100% of my attention on the poop containment.
Now I can finally give my four year old the attention he so desperately requires. I am free to listen to his emergency.
But my teeth are still clenched and that tense feeling of stress has not left. I'm annoyed. Very.
Facing him, I see the anger drain from his face. He wipes his tears. Deep breath for both of us.
I'm thinking this better be good. After all that, this better be serious.
He pauses and his eyes widen. Like he is about to tell me something so unbelievable that I won't be able to handle it. This is it. This is his moment!
And he was right. It was fucking unbelievable.
And this is what it is like to change diapers with a four year old in the room.
I love it! Am laughing my head off! So glad there were no photos, but as a mum in a similar situation I thank you!
That is hilarious!!! I have a hard enough time with one little one doing diapers, but then to have an urgent booger crisis at the same time….oh my.
🙂
Oh my god, I love it. The crappy drawings make the story even better. You should totally keep going with the stories supplemented by drawings, it’s really fun.
best advice ever.
I was uncertain what ‘crappy pictures’ meant. Much impressed (and relieved).
I laughed so hard at this one….hilarious! This should go in parent magazine or something!
It’s always one orifice or another and simultaneous excretion just adds to the party! Your drawings are sublime!
Nailed it. This is eee-zackly what it is like!
hysterical!
hahaha, this is great! and oh so true, I remember those days …
love, love, love this! the pictures are PERFECT!
Excellent crappy pics. Such a great story. 🙂
PS Just wait until they are both teenagers.
Amber YOU MAKE ME LAUGH
This is awesome! I loved this. Made me laugh. Thanks.
I believe that this is the best post EVER, in the history of blog posts.
And the pictures really made it. I’m so glad you included them.
OMG! I live that moment at least 3 times a week! ROFL
My five year old pulls the same stuff when I’m changing my 3 month old…but he will also cry and pitch an absolute fit if I don’t let him pick which diaper to put on his younger brother!
Your blog just got added to my “everyone is sleeping, I can have Mommy Time” morning reading list!
PS – the drawings actually made this WAY funnier, and were absolutely perfect.
This made my freakin day!! Awesome. Love it. So true.
YOU Are SOOOO Hilarious :)))) And so right on!!
I giggled. I am so not a giggler! Thanks!
Absolutely wonderful, I love this post, thank you!
Wow! I just found your blog and we are like soul sisters. I have two boys also. One is 20 months and one is 3 yrs. This same poop story has happened to me as well. I’m loving your stories and your wooden people!
Hahaha. Just found your blog via your Etsy shop. I can’t believe how hilarious and true this is. My favorite is the octopus baby picture, I keep scrolling back up and laughing at it. (Sorry.)
this is too funny. please keep it coming! my crisis is usually when the older one has to go pee as soon as I open up the baby’s diaper to change her. and she insists on me helping her and can’t wait even one second.
Just found your blog on FB through LLL New Zealand…fantastic I love it, very much looking forward to more.
Sooo funny and yet so true! My boys are now 4 and 8 and they never have anything to say to me, until I get on the phone. Then it’s like their life will be over if they can’t tell me something right this second!
THAT was some funny sh!t man. Or not. LOL
stumbled on your blog and this almost made me pee my pants! As the mom to a 2.5 year old and one on the way I can totally see this happening!!
really funny! my fave is the feces-flinging baby octopus. great job!
This is hilarious. I don’t know how you manage not to scream, though. I think repressing the urge to scream has made my eyes permanently bulge out a tiny bit. Ah motherhood, how it changes you.
ROFL! Thanks! As a mother of 5 I can TOTALLY relate! Thanks SO much for sharing! I really needed a good laugh!
I need you to have an entire blog illustrated with these “crappy” pictures. I want more. I’d read it day and night. Pinky swear.
OMG! Sooo hilarious! I have a 2 1/2 yr old and a 5 month old.
I busted out laughing about the booger. My toddler is obsessed .
I’m laughing so hard I’m actually weeping. I just insisted on reading it to my husband, who seems vaguely amused but just doesn’t seem to get it. I have a one year old and an almost-four year old. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. Solid gold here.
OMG I just laughed so hard I was crying!
oh yes, you should submit this to a parenting magazine! I was laughing so hard (with my 8 month old on my lap) when in walks my 3.5 year old. “why are you laughing so much, mama?” I point to the screen and say “see this? this is what you do…. keep laughing.” thanks for the laugh!
I think I may love you. i haven’t laughed so hard in so long! Great!
I teach 3K and 4K. It is exactly like this all day, except times 35 kids. #greyhairs
Hi. La. Ri. Ous.
Makes me all the more glad we did EC (Elimination Communication/diaper-free) with our daughter, we never had poop explosions, ever! She’s now the 4.5yo who always has something INCREDIBLY important to tell us. 🙂
Oh my goodness I haven’t laughed that hard in awhile, and that situation is so true! It is always as soon as a diaper is coming off that my 4 year old daughter has THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO TELL ME! There have been a few boogers too. Thanks for sharing, love the drawings!
I too, think I might love you just a little :thanks for the giggles:
love it, it’s so true
ps.
doesn’t need the word “fu——.
i think it fits appropriately with the story, after all the over exagerated hype re: the booger, to have to find out the whole episode was over just a booger, i’d be saying the same thing 🙂
Love it!! I have an 8 mo and twin 3 1/2 yos, I FEEL you pain. F word and all 🙂
perhaps you should have just asked your four year old what he wanted the first time he asked. Then he’d go on his way.
I have a four year old and a 1.5 year old and never have this problem.
HILARIOUS! I LOVE your blog! LOVE love love it!
OMG that was so funny! I was in a bad mood until I read that, now I’m laughing. That is exactly what its like to be a parent!
So freaking funny!
Make more of these please! I love it!
I love it because it is so true!!
I am laughing so hard I’m tearing. Spastic Octopus, yes that’s the exact right term and here I thought I was the only person who had one of those!
Omg I laughed so hard…the visual the visual of the spastic octopus is WAY to real!
OMG, I had a really bad one year old poop in the bathtub/more in the diaper/more on the floor before new diaper went on/ran out of wipes/while trying to put five year old to bed experience tonight and this post was *exactly* what I needed!! Your drawings are absolutely wonderful 🙂
my almost 4yo just asked
mama why are you crying …
I’m not crying I’m laughing …
oh….
waaaa …
the 8mo woke up
thank goodness the 8yo and 10yo are at the store with dad…
Thanks for making me giggle… I can relate to the poopy octopus baby.
Hi again! This is totally normal: your 4 year old is crying out for attention. its no coincidence he chooses exactly the time you are handling his bb brother with almost undevided attention to desperately seek your attention.
1 – Try to have more moments just for him: have some else look after the younger for one hour or so and give the elder your UNDIVIDED attention (no phones, tv, dinner, tidying, etc). Just talk, play or do something with him, just you 2. It can be only 15 minutes a day, but you will see the difference aftter a while.
2 – as hard and silly as it seems, Try to get him involved in tending to the baby: change the diapers in a place at his eye-level and explain what you are doing. Then ask if he wants to try it: yes, it will be desastrously put, but you can fix it after and your son will have the sense of accomplishment and insertion.
Children are keen of attention and they can haddle a lot more things that we think they can.
all the best 🙂
This is one of the funniest things I have read…. You made my day. You should write a book.
Too funny because it is oh so true to real life! One of those things that is only funny after the fact. Thanks for sharing – love the pictures too, especially ‘octopus baby’! 🙂
LMAO!!! oh my gosh, I am so sorry that I laugh so much at this… no wait… I’m not. You aer awesome with your drawings. I LOVE THEM. thank you so much for the much MUCH needed laughter this momma needs!! 🙂
These are fabulous
Fantastic! Please, please, please can we feature this on our guest blog spot one week on The Survival Guide for Rookie Moms? Please email me at the given address to chat.
me too!!
I love both of these installments….and mostly because of the “crappy pictures”. keep em coming….and no real pics, it’s not as fun!
That is my 3 year old. Exactly! …except minus the second child and poop flying everywhere. But always with the screaming “MAMAMAMAMA” at the worst moments, just to show me a flippin’ booger…or an ant. 🙂
I found you through a facebook page, and I have to say these cartoons made me laugh so hard I cried…so funny and so relatable, as I have 2 small kids too. You’re a funny lady!
omg i love you
Spot on! Thank you for making my day!
I was trying to read this to DH, but I was laughing so hard that tears are streaming down, and I was totally unintelligible!
love it, love u’r drawings!!
omg this is hilarious! *wipes.off.tears*
Nev
I love the stalling , “mama, mama, um, mama, I um, mama, I …” well, what is it? ” (child looks around the room for anything to think about since they really aren’t thinking of anything and sees a cup) Mama, I’m thirsty.
Too right!
Now that was important news! I loved this! And it’s a preview foe me. My 3 year old is already pulling this nonsense with me and my baby is 5 months!
I love this! Soooo funny! I haven’t laughed out loud like that by myself in a long time!
Oh man. I have tears streaming down my face. LMBO! I so know the feeling! My girls are 5, 18 months, and 3 weeks. The REAL fun is when I’m changing a breastfed baby’s squirty diaper while my 18 month old is pitching a fit, hitting me AND my 5 year old is drama-queening! Keep up your hilarious posts and drawings!!
I have not cried with laughter in a long time. thank you so much
This was just what I needed!! lol
Hooray! New illustrations and stories! I don’t even have kids, but somehow I must relate to the general frustration, or perhaps I just like your style. 🙂 Your crappily drawn stories are the best! You are a natural and I very much look forward to reading more. Thanks for the laughs!
hilarious! i should be filling orders right now but this is just way too entertaining.
Seriously, you are amazing. these pics may be “crappy’ but they have me and my hubby rolling.
Too funny & nicely done! =)
~Penny
http://thepennywisechick.com
you made my day!
This is hilarious! I only have one baby right now who’s 5 months, but I think someday this may happen to me.
This totally made my day.
Our Growing Garden
Oh, my gosh, I’m dying! I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and this is spot on!
BAHAHAHAHA, OMG!! I have SO been there!! i am laughing so hard I am crying and I think I may have peed my pants (just a tiny bit though lol).
I can SO relate to this, as I think every mom can, but more so because I have 3 in diapers (well 2 are now day trained but that just happened this week). It never fails, everyone always needs something when I am changing a diaper and the dirtier the diaper the more they need it. My kids are notorious for this.
My kids are also notorious for needing a drink/snack as soon as the baby latches on to nurse, never fails!
OMG ITS SOOOO TUREEEEEE mine are 20 mo. apart 3.5 and the other is almost 2! i cant tell you how often stuff like this happens!!!
This is very very funny! My 2nd one is coming in less than 2 mths time, I hope our 2 year old doesn’t do this then! 😛
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
I welcome myself to your world. I was going to welcome you to mine but you got their first and you did it with fantastic crappy pictures. Love this.
It’s like reading about my life, with crappy pictures! lol I have an 8 month old, a 4 year, 3 cats, and 2 dogs… things are interesting. 🙂 I was laughing hysterically the entire time!!
Crying with laughter here at the ‘spastic octopus’ oh gosh, been there done that. I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old.
I think your blog is very funny and very real to life, as if I wrote it. But when you swear and use profanity it totally turns me off. If you leave those kind of words out you could have a larger audience able to read this. I won’t show any of my children because we don’t use those words. Why are they needed?? It takes away from the funny.
Well, now I know not to read your blog at work. It’s hard not to crack up laughing! I have tears, omgosh, my face is so red.
Oh my life, that is so funny.
I have a nearly 3 year old and a 15 month old and both still in nappies. Changing a nappy when a 15 month old is in the room is also no easy task.
The cursing makes it funnier and more relatable. Don’t let the party poopers get ya down 😀
wow i haven’t laughed this long in a long time. you are so funny you should get an award. im crying laughing, of course i’m holding it in too so as to not wake sleeping toddler, and that just makes it even worse like giggling in elementary school so the teacher doesnt notice. great stuff.
i agree totally
LMFAO!! oh I almost spat my cuppa over my laptop when I got to the octopus bit, so funny cos it’s so true!! you have a wonderful way with words, don’t ever stop!!
This is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, love, love this post!
This makes me glad my kids are ten years apart. Thanks for the laugh!
“The changing of a diaper transforms the baby into a spastic octopus. Dipping both heels and hands in the poop and flinging it all around the room like a lawn sprinkler.”
Possibly the best, most accurate and most hilarious summation of nappy changing I have ever heard!
That was so funny!!!! I have a one year old and a four year old too! This is the second post of yours I have read and I can’t wait to read more! Thanks for sharing!
Oh my goodness, these have to be the funniest blogs I’ve EVER READ. me and my husband think you’re fab. SO FUNNY, please write a book!
That was by far one of the BEST stories ever. It’s great to read your stories and laugh as I can relate :o)
I have laughed SO HARD…my belly is aching.
Thank you crappy pictures mom, you are the funniest ever!
Love the drawing of octopus baby.
I have found your blog long ago and continue reading it up-to-date!
Oh my goodness, these have to be the funniest blogs I’ve EVER READ.
This is sooo funny!! You have to curse, in real life you would. Poop flying around the room makes you curse, it’s a fact of life!
Thank you sooooooooo much for your blogs!!! I am laughing hysterically and I LOVE IT!
Brilliant Amber! Hooray for your wit and for your whole site. Thanks for creating, and being different, and being real. Steph 🙂
My 5 year old is starting to read. She lay across me yelling out the words from this post while my 2 year old bounced on my chest and grabbed my face and yelled MAMA MAMA MAMA over and over.
The irony did not escape me.
Funny, I have a 10 month old and 21 months old. When changing my 10 month old my older daughter always needs juice. She stands next to me begging “juice mama juice pease” and when changing the 21 month old, my younger daughter actually tries to crawl all over her. Never a dull moment 🙂
I’ve been following your blog for months now but just read this post for the first time. Thank you for making me laugh until I cried, AGAIN. You rock, Amber! Happy blogiversary!!!
You are my hero! Thank you so much for this blog.
Can I just tell you that your hellacious stories bring much comfort to me….as I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have endured many of the same experiences you have shared on your blog. I laugh and many times laugh so hard that it brings me to tears. Thank you so much and screw anyone who feels the need to negate anything you write..because in all honesty, when you drop the F’Bomb, it just bring so much more appreciation for your brutal honesty. I wish I had the privilege of knowing you in person, as I think you’d be an absolute kick in the ass to hang out with and swap stories.
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Amber, your posts are hilarous!! 🙂 I mean, these are situations that happen now and then and I can SO totally identify with you ..but you make me laugh with the way your story goes.. It’s great to read your blog after a long day with my little one who’ now 14 months old and who is getting naughtier 😉
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Yep. That is how it’s like to change a little one with a some what older sibling in the room. Around my home is a little bit diferent. I have 4 kids. The anoying kid its allways the same. And that very important thing is always this, “I love you mom”. It annoys me. I mean, it really does! I mean, of course I love him. I love them all. But it is still annoying to here a wining kid call on you with a horrifying tone on there voice, like someone IS torturing him, to then here onece more a forced “I love you”. It’s like, pay attention TO ME AND ONLY TO ME, stop paying attention to the other kids, I’m the only one in the worl who you should be paying attention to, tone. I just hate it. I love my kid. I just wish hi stops using the L word just to justify his urgency for my attention. (I know it’s a jealousy moment, but it still annoys me)(even more)
Sorry for the melt down.
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Well, it took me a week or so, but I finally made it through and read all of your posts. Whew! So funny! I am both happy and sad to have reached the end (beginning?). Now I will have to wait for new posts to get more crappy pictures. Or maybe I’ll just read your book again. =D
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