Toddlers Helping

(Crappy Baby naming update! The people have spoken. 52% voted to keep it the same. A majority! Which is fine because I’m super lazy and now I don’t have to do anything. Of course, there were even better name ideas in the comments that weren’t in the poll so the poll kinda sucked. And few wise people suggested I ask the kids and I have no idea why that didn’t occur to me. So I asked them and they freaked out. “NOOOOOOO! Keep them the same! Don’t change our cartoon names! You can’t!” So there you go. Of course later, Crappy Baby said he might like to be called Crappy Pickle when he turns four and “grows up”. So we may revisit this again if he becomes uncomfortable with the “baby” part of his name at some point. For now, ‘Crappy Baby’ remains. Thanks for all your votes & ideas, that was fun!)

Now the real post…



Crappy Baby is in a helping stage.

Of course I want to encourage him to help. To guide him and show him how to do things. To boost his confidence.

This helping stage comes hand-in-hand with greater independence. It is really the same thing as the early “Do It Self!!!” type independence only with better language skills but just as many tantrums.

Independence is good!

One form of independence I long for is toilet needs independence. Aka – not having to wipe anyone else’s ass. Can you imagine? Can you imagine that at some point we will only have our own butts to worry about wiping? Wow. One can dream.

I’m close. So close, I can taste it. Except not taste it because that is a horrible choice of expression for this topic.

Anyway, part of me is thrilled that Crappy Baby has reached this helping stage.


A toddler “helping” is like whatever the opposite of helping is.


Like with cooking.


Is he helping me make cookies?

No. He making it more difficult for me to make cookies.

And with cleaning!



Is he helping me clean?

No, he is making it more difficult for me to clean.

But how can I resist? How can I say no to his offer of help?

I can’t.

He is just too adorable.

Plus, I have to let him do this stuff so he can get better at it and one day actually be helpful.

Course I’m pretty sure once he reaches that level of skill he will no longer have any interest in performing most of these tasks. Just like I don’t. “Yay! Sweeping! Look how good I am at sweeping now!” is something I’ve never said.

Anyway, those are just examples. The point of this post is actually this story…


So Crappy Baby is in the bathroom pooping.

I know he is pooping because both of my kids still tell me when they have to poop. As in “MAMA! I HAVE TO POOP!” Even if they are in the same room as Crappy Papa and I’m across the house. I must be found and given a status update on their bowel movements. Always.

He is taking a long time. I can hear the sound of the potty chair bowl insert being taken out. What is he doing?


I open the door and see him standing there with the potty chair bowl hovered above the big toilet.

The diaper sprayer is in his hand.

I’ve mentioned the diaper sprayer before in this post. About how it turns into a water laser  if you turn it on too high.

How it takes a delicate touch to adjust it to the right pressure level.

Crappy Baby does not have a delicate touch.


It’s like one of those nightmares where I try to run but I can barely move or the one when I am driving a car but the brakes are barely working and I can’t make a full stop.

In slow motion, I yell “Nooooooooooo!” and lunge forward to grab the sprayer.

Too late.

I lunge forward right INTO the explosion. Face level.


And since I was yelling “Nooooooo!” my mouth was wide open.

But this was worth it right? Someday, someday he’ll handle all of this on his own. Right?

We’re so close! So close!

And yep, I could taste it.



This entry was posted in crappy pictures, learning, messy stuff, poop, potty training, terrible threes, toddlers. Bookmark the permalink.

285 Responses to Toddlers Helping

  1. Stephanie says:


    Besides my bathroom being too small, that’s a good reason to not have a sprayer.

  2. Jennifer says:

    Corn? :l

  3. Jessica says:

    I love that you kept the names!! And that you’ve also had the privilege of tasting your son’s poop!!

    • Amy says:

      Also? I’m sensing a good story here!

      • Jennie says:

        Oh, I am sooooo very blessed to have NEVER tasted feces before. This story makes my daughter’s poop mural that was 6′ by 2′ sound like a walk in the park. I don’t think I would ever recover from this.

  4. Vanessa says:

    I am hoping so very, very much that you exaggerated a little for comedic effect.

    • amber says:

      I really didn’t, sadly. Even my dress (okay, shirt/yoga pants if you want the real story) was soaked.

  5. OMG, must stop reading these at work!

    My precious little girl is Pickle as well as being the female version of Crappy Baby, it must be fate.

  6. Amanda says:

    TEARS!!!!! Hahahahaha

  7. Kristine says:

    OMG! Thank you for that laugh. (And sorry about the poop-sicle… or poop spray or well, just the poop.)

  8. Cara says:

    FUNNIEST POST EVER!! Oh, and I’ve had BOTH of those dreams before.

    • I think I had both those dreams last week! Only this time with the added realism of pregnancy dreams. I really hate the braking one.

      So, maybe I won’t install the sprayer. Although I would like one for diapers…

  9. Brenda says:

    That was hilarious, I have also tasted my sons poo and pee on accident, disgusting accidents, LOL. But their helping stage is too adorable!

  10. Kate L says:

    AAAAAahahahahaah!! This is my new favorite!! I you crept into my house and watched MY life for the last week! Too funny.

  11. Leah says:

    Could be the hardest I’ve ever laughed! Crying.

    We have a diaper sprayer… If either of my kids goes near it, I now know to run in the other direction! LOL!!

  12. Stacy says:

    I just threw up all over the internet. GAH.

    LOL! Mine’re 7 and 4 now. We have so been here.

    • Kim says:

      I think this is going to be my new favorite phrase.

    • neal says:

      I wondered what that smell was. How does one sanitize the internet, again?

      • Tanja says:

        I think Norman (the Anti-virus company) has something called the Norman Sandbox. Maybe one could just put the internet into there?

    • Starla says:

      Gah! Me too! I’m sitting here trying not to gag. So funny, though. Bear’s only 5 months old, but now I’m really happy we didn’t get that diaper sprayer I wanted. (Shudder)

  13. Ayala Bassett says:


  14. Kim says:

    I am sitting here avoiding work by reading your blog and laughing so hard that I may have to go lie down. Sorry. But I am really, really glad my kids are of the age where I worry about whether they are getting their legal-age friends to buy them beer and don’t worry about getting sprayed with poop.

    • Woolies says:


      Or, I was told yesterday, that percocets are also available as well as beer. Maybe the stage of I Wanna Help is better.

  15. Stephanie says:

    ewww! We got a new toilet seat that has the toddler/kid size one built in so that they can go on the toilet and there is not potty bowl to empty. expect in case of emergency when they both need to go at the same time.

  16. Robin says:

    Oh. My. Gosh. I laughed out loud. Mostly because I am *just barely* on the other side of this stage (you will get there!) and also because I just checked on my 5 year old before I sat down to read this, who was in the bathroom singing and I asked him if by chance he’d taken my laptop with him. And he said “Yes, but don’t worry, my bottom is covering the entire whole!” So, whew.

  17. Mandie M says:

    LOVE IT!!!!

    I had my son vomit into my open mouth once. I was laughing, holding him over me, he was laughing, we were playing, and then “bllurrp-bleaaahhhh” barf in my mouth. UGH.

    For the record, it wasn’t long ago that I was in the “OMG will you just wipe your own ass already?!?!” stage. They finally learned, just after they turned 5. But now it’s “Mama, can you check to see if my butt hole has no poop on it?” Top volume. Every time. SO I sympathize. And without humor, we’d be crying.

    The good news is that a simple glass of any kind of alcohol will kill any germs left in your mouth. Yeah, that’s it… I drink to get rid of germs. 😛

    • amber says:

      I used mouthwash. Why didn’t I think of alcohol? 🙂

      • lizkayl says:

        It’s never to late to make SURE your mouth is clean. To The Alcohol!!

        • Michelle M says:

          I think Lizkayl has a point, you can never be too safe. You want to make ABSOLUTELY certain you have killed 100% of those germs.

          … I think I heard that a nice Pinot Grigio or Reisling works best. In fact, I think I have some germs that need to be obliterated this evening. 😉

    • Cassie says:

      Hahahahahahahaha, oh man you got me with the yelling to check if the butthole is clean! It’s one of those moments where you stop and think -this is not what I pictured my life would be like- before you go in and putting your childs head between your knees so you can properly bend them over and make sure it’s all clear….

      • Heather says:

        Oh. My. Word. I was chuckling a bit. Then I read this. Now I am hysterical. YES! We are just entering potty-training in our house. I will now know to keep liquor in the bathroom at all times.

      • JJ says:

        Cassie-there is now lemonade all over my screen. No parent can forget the putting your child between your knees to bend the over for the all clear-ahhhh-the memories-so glad my kids are OUT of this stage (the oldest is 18 and the youngest is 4 so JUST out of this phase)

        • Ginger says:

          We did our butt-cleanliness check differently. We had our toddler face away and do the downward facing dog yoga pose. Yet another benefit of yoga!

    • Bree says:

      Omg now THAT made me gag lol that is so disgusting!

  18. Kim says:

    Thank you for helping me realize I am having a good day. & I already cleaned poop off the carpet. Good day still: oh definitely. & you have ALL my sympathy. All of it. Also: I kind of want to vomit now.

  19. Anna Walton says:

    Oh wow. That made me shout out loud and cover my mouth! I’m glad I live in the UK where we’ve never heard of a diaper sprayer (well I haven’t). My 2 yr old likes to take her full potty to the toilet. She won’t let go if you try and take it off her which can lead to a scary tug of war situation where you have to let go really gently to avoid getting covered. Ah the joys.

    • Kat says:

      The tug of war/sloshy potty image almost made me cry laughing.

    • Lori says:

      Yep, dear son (now 3 1/2) went through the tug-of-war I-wanna-do-it stage too (for the record, I never did wind up with poop all over me, but let’s say there has been some spatter). Lately though he’s been letting me put it all in the toilet, which is a mix of relief and annoyance. Maybe it’s time for us to put the seat on the toilet so we can avoid it altogether.

    • Kate says:

      My 22 month old boy is sloooooowly learning to go before he goes. He knows when he goes, and knows its gotta be wiped off. He poos, grabs a new diaper and a toy, goes into the bathroom and lays out the towel himself, lays on it and yells, “POOOOP, MIITII! Glean schtinki!*” on Repeat One.
      On the rare occasions when he lets us know beforehand and wants to go potty, he will be HIGHLY offended if I even mention him sitting on the potty chair. I have to come and help him on the ‘real’ toilet, because he thinks he has to go on the big toilet like Tädi, Muetti, his sister and the cat. (Yes, our cat can and will go on the people toilet. He can’t flush though. I guess it’s like having an eternal teenager? The plus of not having to deal with litter and litter boxes outweighs this minor problem by far, though!!))
      I remember toilet training our firstborn (now a proud 4 3/4th year old) and the terrors we had when she wanted to empty her potty herself. Or how she used to jump up so quickly after going, that the potty was still kinda stuck to her butt and would get flung into the air, bounce, and empty the contents in a nice, wide, messy radius. Not fun. Little man should keep going on the big can. I can deal with constantly holding him in balance better than cleaning up 2 sq. yards of waste from hardwood floors and upholstery.

      *BTW, that translates to, “Poop, Muetti (‘mommy’ in Swiss German)! Clean [the] stinky!”

  20. Jenn says:

    I like Crappy Pickle.

    And ew.

  21. Alison says:

    hahaha! What did Crappy Baby do once the explosion happened. My kids would have just shrugged and walked away (if I let them)

  22. Oh no!! I am so sorry! I thought it was bad when I go to check the back of my diaper and stick my finger in a surprise. Next time that happens, I will smile knowingly and remember that it could be worse!

    • Tarina says:

      I hate when Im checking my diaper and feel poop, too 😛 — I assume you meant the kiddo, but I LOL’d pretty loud at the visual of you sticking a finger in your own pants to check… Sorry!! <3

      • Tovah says:


      • Monica says:

        hahahah.. this right here, is why I always read through the comments too!! hahahahah

        [From the couple of blogs I follow.. this is actually the ONLY one, where I actually read all or most of the comments]

        Crappy Pictures is BY FAR the BEST BLOG EVER!! 😉

  23. Macy says:

    Oh.My.God. Yikes! My cousin’s child is 5 and still asks Mom and Dad to wipe his butt. One day my cousin asked “who wipes your butt at school?” “I do!” he said excitedly. Facepalm.

  24. Cheryl says:

    Oh!!!! I am at work and am not succeeding in stifling laughter!!!! You poor thing. I’ve never heard of the diaper sprayer, but now I think I’ll not get one, ever. (Our boy is toilet training now, too…)

  25. Heather says:

    I am SCARING people at my job from laughing so hard! You are wonderful! Thanks for this “crap.” ;P

  26. Annie Wendt says:

    Wow, I do this to myself frequently (the sprayer suddenly goes too hard and I splat the potty contents all over me and the floor). I have the best touch with it in the house, but even then it’s a crapshoot whether it will come out too hard or not. Crapshoot. Or crapsplatter.

  27. bookmole says:

    Funniest. Post. EVER!

    I still remember the bottom wiping days, and my children are now in their twenties. The memories. They do not go.

  28. Kami says:

    OMG. Soooo funny!!! Grant (2 and a half) is in these same stages. Making a mess cleaning, helping me cook, sort of. Just working on the potty part. And now I know, never buy a diaper sprayer. LOL!

  29. Heather says:

    First, we are in that exact “helping” phase with my 2.5 year old. I actually found myself saying, once she went down for her nap yesterday, “Oh good, she’s sleeping! I can SWEEP!”

    Second, it’s like your boys know when it’s time for a new blog post, so they do something postworthy. (or maybe this happened a while ago and you just re-created it for the blog now. but I prefer to believe the former.)

  30. Angella says:

    Tears running down my face. My coworkers now think I’m crazy I was laughing so hard. Thankfully, we detached our diaper sprayer before this ever happened, not that I didn’t manage to do it to myself a few times. But at least my mouth wasn’t open.

  31. Paula says:

    The funniest. Ever. I laughed my drunken laughter (and I’m not drunk, just in case…)

  32. marie says:

    laughing so hard! i can see it all. we had a diaper sprayer for a while and they are high pressure!
    i’m glad i’m not the only one with huge “helping” disasters.
    this is the point where you ask for a small holiday sans kids…

  33. Kristi says:

    I’m laughing so hard that tears are streaming down my face. I’m sorry for laughing at your misfortune, but it’s only because I can relate to this so well. Keep up the great work. Love all your stories.

  34. Casey says:

    Well that was shitty.

    Sorry. Had to.

  35. Rebecca says:

    I have no words. I just . . . I don’t even know.

  36. Dawn says:

    We’re in the “will you please finally poop on the potty” faze, so your post made me long for the day that my son will come find me to tell me he has to use the potty. 🙂

    He too, loves to help clean and cook. We have a dust buster, so I let him use that to vacuum up the dirt I’ve just swept. I sweep it together and he sucks it up…he loves it and it keep him from re-distributing the dirt.

  37. Kelly says:

    There should be a warning on this one. I just nearly choked on my cereal!

  38. Theresa says:

    My 16 mo is in this “helping” stage already. He “helps” me vacuum by running right where I need to go, “helps” me close doors (when they’re only being closed to keep him out…), “helps” me with the clean laundry by taking it out of the basket and throwing it all over the floor when I set it down for 2 seconds…you get the idea. And this is precisely why we don’t have a diaper sprayer. I laughed so hard I almost woke my son up. 🙂

  39. Morgan says:

    BAHahahaha!!!! Oh that’s really awful. Sorry you were covered in poop this morning. I thought waking up to a skunk spraying under our house was bad. You win. Or lose?

  40. Nicole Heumann says:

    Ive always told my parents in law that I would gladly take care of them if they couldn’t live at their own home anymore so I’m pretty sure that wiping baby bottoms would soon be followed by old geiser bottoms! I think the baby butts are the lesser of two assholes here!

  41. joanna says:

    this is so close to my own worst nightmare which involves vomit. i don’t think i would recover and kudos to you for writing about it and thereby *ahem* purging yourself of the trauma..

  42. Briana S says:

    bahahaha i’m going to be entering potty training territory soon. I can’t wait… :/

    I’m glad you kept the names the same, even though i voted to change them. after voting i realized it would probably confuse me for a while. simple minds.

  43. Ashley S. says:

    Oh my goodness this is my favorite post ever!!! Teeheehee!! Too hilarious and AWFUL… and hilarious!!! I’m laughing so hard and feel really bad that this happened to you all at once!

    (Also, I’m glad the boys will keep their names!)

    Thank you so much for this afternoon chuckle. I was running out of steam for the day and now I feel much better. Cause no matter how tiring my day was at least I didn’t taste a poop explosion… yet.

  44. Sara says:

    I have been hounding DH to hook up our diaper sprayer since I am now cloth diapering child #2. Now I’m not so sure I want it hooked up.

    • amber says:

      I think the trick is to uninstall it after the diapers are gone. That is where we went wrong!

  45. Claudia says:

    OMG! I hope you don’t get sick after this tasting :S. My two munchkins (boy 5, girl 2) are also thriving independence en their own stages. Anyway, I always read you so… Hug from Guatemala!

  46. Anne says:

    One time my daughter (who is 29 months older than my son), decided to “help” him wipe after pooping since I was doing laundry in the basement. I went upstairs to find him bent over at the waist, her face very close to his behind as she examined and helped wipe. There was poop everywhere. Seriously. All over the bathroom. All over them. Some on toilet paper in the toilet but mostly not. I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or dump them both in a bath of GermEx. When I think back on it now I laugh…

  47. Kara says:

    My kiddo is just a few months older than Crappy Baby, so i am right there with ya.

    I have never had so many discussions about poop in my entire life. He likes to list the characteristics of each poop and speculate on the reasons behind them (color, heft, consistency), and also to see what items each poop resembles (“this one looks like a chicken wing! this one looks like an ice cream cone!”).

    He also thinks poop is a pretty funny topic in general. He found the Voice Recorder app on my phone and it’s full of little messages now – “i love you, Mommy/Daddy” interspersed with “POOPIE! POOPIE SHOWER! POOP PIE!”

  48. Kristie says:

    Hahahahaha! I’ve had a few incidents with the potty chair being dumped into the big potty as well. We don’t have a diaper sprayer but my daughter still manages to make a mess!

  49. Sarah says:

    I just…well, I need to tell you…I love you.

    Of the 27,000+ views the Poop Monster video has, we make up about 19,000.

    I, too, have sampled every bodily excretion. Incidentally, they were not all human-made. 🙁

  50. Sarah says:

    Oh.. my.. gosh.. just reading this gave my gag reflex a go, not to mention your drawing… aaaand not to mention my vivid pregnancy induced imagination… *shudders* I sure hope I never have the pleasure of experiencing this level of “help”!!

  51. rachel hoffman says:

    My daughter is 20 months and potty trained, but mostly still breastfed. She sometimes climbs on the toilet by herself. The other day she didn’t make on time and had explosive poop while she was climbing. It was like a poop grenade, the whole wall under the sink was covered in poop.

  52. Sam says:

    ooooooh noooooo!

  53. Carol says:

    This is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve read in a while, and definitely the nastiest! I can’t even imagine; well, I can, but I don’t want to!

    Also, I’m sorry I missed the poll, but I like that you stuck with the old names. And I like that you added curls to Crappy Baby’s head. 🙂

  54. tamsin says:

    you are now, quite literally, crappy Mama

  55. Cyndi says:

    I am glad the names stuck, although I thought Crappy Kid and Crappy Toddler would have been a way to make the step up in age while maintaining the generic-ness (Crappy Boy instead of Crappy Actual Name) that makes how this blog reads so funny.

  56. Lindsey says:

    It’s even worse when this sort of thing happens in a daycare setting…you know, with someone elses child’s poop in your mouth. I witnessed the tab of a runny diaper get stuck and then suddenly unstick, and fling poop all over a teacher’s face and in her mouth.


  57. Amy says:

    I can’t say that I’ve had as bad of an explosion as this, but my 3 year old has also tried to help with the sprayer. We decided to leave it in the “off” position, but that only lasted a week or so because it was a pain to keep adjusting it with every use. Thankfully he hasn’t tried to “help” with it lately…

  58. Maggie says:

    I had Pee Monday (toddler pees her pants and walks all over the house leaving footprints AND preschooler soaked the wall and floor around the toilet with his personal “sprayer”) and Poop Wednesday (toddler pulls down pants and a shower of turd balls bounce out AND another toddler “wiped” herself, resulting in a nasty nasty skid mark that got “panties stuck in butt” and required my assistance)…so this post made me feel so much better. I have not yet experienced the taste of poo…but if I do I will remember the above suggestion of alcohol!

  59. British American says:

    Ohhhhh nooooooo!!!!!!! Ack!

    My youngest is 2 (still on the little side of 2) and one of his favourite things to do is pull a chair up to the kitchen counter as he says “helping!” And he’s not much of a talker, so it’s extra cute that he says “helping”. But it’s soooooo not helpful when I’m doing dishes or trying to fry pepperoni. I don’t mind so much when it’s making cookies – except then he wanted to help me make meatloaf. I looked away for something and when I looked back I think he had tasted the raw meat mixture, since he’d only ever mixed cookies before and that mixture is yummy. Ooops.

    • British American says:

      Oh and he’s just starting to use the potty and likes to dump it into the toilet on his own. Even if I’m sitting on the toilet because he’d told me “Muma potty!” So far I’ve been quick enough that he hasn’t dumped pee on me yet.

  60. Andrea says:

    Mental note – do not eat lunch next time when catching up on Amber’s blog. Especially when nauseous due to pregnancy already. That’s all from me this time.

  61. Oh my! Laughing and crying! And maybe gagging a bit on the last line! Also, yay there’s still hope for Crappy Pickle. 🙂

  62. Erin says:

    Once I dropped the insert from my daughter’s potty chair into the toilet. Its contents included her first pee of the morning (so a lot and very concentrated) in addition to a great deal of fresh, not overly firm poop. It fell, hit the edge of the toilet, and shot pee and poop into corners of the room that I didn’t know existed. Also all over ME.

    So I did what any good mother would do– I freaked out and called my husband, who came home from work and bleached the bathroom while I took a shower in disinfectant.

    My daughter just gave up the potty chair a week and a half ago, and I may have danced and sung loudly as I carried it out to the trash. Now we’re working on wiping our own butt. It’s got to be pretty tough, you know? Her arms barely reach back there . . .

    • Trisha W. says:

      Flushable wipes are great at this stage. First have them use TP and then you do the final wipe with a flushie.

  63. Bonnie says:

    Funniest post. Ever. That said, there should be a disclaimer at the top to warn readers to not read this while eating, especially bananas (don’t ask). And as someone with older children, yep, once the skill is acquired they no longer want to help. Sigh.

  64. Elissa R says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh gosh! My daughter is almost 3, and we are slowly toilet training her. She goes to the potty whenever she feels like being a “big girl princess”, I have to be there at all times, but she asks for “privacy” so I move away, either two steps down the stairs or to her room, but I’m so afraid of doing so, because recently she tried to clean the potty bowl herselfy, and it is not helpful at all! I’d love to have disposable potties, rather than cleaning them hahahaha!

  65. Nicole says:

    I love you, but I haven’t cried during one of your posts since @Bearded Iris guest posted about the gum-crotch.

    OMFG I’m DYING… story. EVER.


  66. Natalie says:

    lmao…my kids haven’t figured out the turning knob for our diaper sprayer, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. Too funny!!

  67. KpMcD says:

    Oh I cringed. How I cringed.

    But seriously? Best punchline for a story ever. Good show, you. Now I’ma go brush my teeth a thousand times.

  68. Trisha W. says:

    I was so hoping the story was going to fine you talking to Crappy Baby like someone talking a suicidal person off the edge in order to get him to put the sprayer down. Yuck! I’m so sorry for your unfortunate taste test.

    On a different note, I am glad you are staying with the Crappy Baby name for now. I think it will be fun to read about him in a future book. Maybe after a second book he can change his name. He might want to if you include this story in a future book. =)

  69. Echo says:

    This is why I have the little potty insert deal that goes on the big seat and I have my kids sit directly on that with a step-stool. No sprayers!

  70. Susan says:

    OH.MY.GOD!!!!!!! I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or barf. (I’m currently laughing, but that could change if I keep thinking about this…..uh oh here come the dry heaves!)

  71. Kasi says:

    I have often felt “jealous” of other parents and the potty trained part had me feeling it again….but not the poo in the open mouth. Sorry you “could taste it”

  72. TC says:

    I cried laughing! THANK YOU!!!

  73. Aubrey says:


  74. Jennifer says:

    Did your husband come and check what the ruckus was all about? I ask because I could totally see this happening in my house and could see my husband walk in and then dry heave for a solid 3 minutes. That’s usually how he contributes to stinky, gross situations.

    • amber says:

      Nah, he wasn’t even home. I texted him after I showered. He laughed at my expense from far, far away.

  75. wendy says:

    When I was potty training my son, we had him in underwear to try to get him used to pottying in the potty. He didn’t get it. Matter of fact, I had to send him to school to get potty trained. Anyway, this means that there was a great many accidents in his underwear. When poop happened, we would carefully remove the soiled garments, dump the offending poop into the potty, and then clean up. Well, my son decided he was going to help with this process one day without telling me that he’d had an accident. Next thing I know, he’s coming to me, poop all over his bare behind, and I hear the toilet filling up with water. “Um…where is your underwear?” “I pooped!” “Ok, so where is your underwear?” “I put the poop in the potty.” “Ok, so WHERE IS YOUR UNDERWEAR?” “In the potty!” “Oh dear lord, tell me you didn’t flush your underwear down the toilet!”
    That was exactly what he had done. Thankfully, we seemed to have really good pipes and have never had any problems. But, boy was that a few tense weeks when I kept waiting for the toilet to back up.

  76. Tara says:

    I didn’t realize other people have that “brake but the brakes don’t really work” dream. Good to know I’m not the only one!

  77. tara says:

    Ackkkkk!!! OMG gross gross gross!! I’m soooo sorry that happened to you! But also HAHAHAHAHA

    Okay, maybe you need to remember that you can also let them help with you supervising at a safe distance so he will only spray himself in the face. Oh my god I’m so sorry. I hope you got to have whatever dinner you wanted with wine. Lots and lots of wine. To sterilize. And forget the whole incident.

  78. Julie says:

    OMG. Ewwwwww. Why do you still have a diaper sprayer? Detach. Detach!

  79. Thalia Miller says:

    Time to put steps next to the big potty I think.

  80. Bellyhead says:

    You ruined my conference call. You ruined it.

    *head on desk crying*

  81. Andrea says:

    We’ve just started the helping phase. DS at 27 months gets 25c for “helping” with the dishes or laundry. Maybe for sweeping too, but he isn’t very good at that at all. I also want a diaper sprayer, having switched back to cloth. Make that wanted, as this is a combination I hadn’t even imagined.

    As for potty independence I am just hoping he shows interest before kindergarten. Otherwise I may have to home school.

  82. Hannah says:

    My nother in law says “help spelt h.i.n.d.e.r”

    Commiserations on the poo in the face.

  83. Jill says:

    Hahaha! Can’t breathe! Can’t breathe! Laughing too hard!!! Nuts, I am going to get fired for reading this at work I am laughing so hard I am attracting people! Hahahahahhaha!

    Kids are right…Poop stories are funny!!

    Oh, I am so sorry that this happened, but so funny!!!!

  84. Denelle Downhill says:

    I always shuddered when the kids asked to help me clean. So I bought those Swiffer duster things with the handle and that became their job when I was cleaning. Other than knocking things over, it actually worked and they felt like they were helping.

  85. Gia Lyons says:

    We are using a diaper service currently thinking when poop becomes more solid we may go the self wash & sprayer route. You just convinced me not to. Thanks!

  86. e says:

    You got a fecal facial!

  87. Jill says:

    Well…in regards to the names….I guess you just need to update your FAQ that Crappy Baby is not really a baby anymore.. (sniff…so sad how fast they grow!)

  88. Veronika Smilak says:

    LMAO! Thanks for more poopy stories, even if they are never so funny when they happen to you…at least not right away.
    My sons are the same age as yours, so I am often laughing at myself as well. A few times now, my one son’s poops were so hard that they clogged the toilet and the only way down was to cut them. I made my husband do that chore and he used one of my kitchen knives (!)…which one he refused to tell me because I would never use it again.

  89. Robin says:

    FUNNIEST POST EVER!! Just spittled all over the computer screen!

  90. Christina says:

    This post just convinced me to never have children.

  91. Kristen says:

    O.M.G. I am so sorry! So close. It will be a day of awesomeness when they are independent. …And to think I had a bad day yesterday with the puppy repeatedly rolling in his poop.

    • Monica says:

      aargh.. I hate it when our dog does that.. rolling in poop.. I guess we should be grateful it’s not a little human trait ;P

  92. Tarina says:

    This is the funniest post I have read on any blog pretty much ever! We dont have a diaper sprayer but when my middle son was potty training he liked to rinse out his own potty chair bowl, too – In the sink…. only he frequently forgot to empty it in the toilet before he tried. Nothing quite like finding giant turdletts sitting there waiting for you the next time you go to brush your teeth…

  93. JJ says:

    I’m laughing-but only because it happened to you and not to me. If it were me, it might take a few more years before I could laugh at it. Since you are used to us laughing at your disasterous moments, I hope this translates to nothing but love from your adoring fans.
    I also thought I’d let you know they never-and I do mean NEVER-grow out of the announcing their bowel functions phase. A couple months ago my 18 yr old son came over to “hang out” (translated it means letting me do his laundry for him while he eats all the food in the house) and as he got up from the couch he announced that he had to poop. I get that this is totally my own fault, that I drilled it into them when they were potty-training, “Come tell mommy when you have to poop!” but seriously? At 18 years, I don’t NEED to know anymore. LOL

    • KimT says:

      Too funny – there are days that they weem so grown up and then —-> “Mom, going to go and poop”.

    • … my sibling does the same at 18+, if only so everyone knows that the bathroom will be unusable for the next [XY] Minutes (and to use the other). Now I really wonder if this is a relict from constant parental requests during toddlerhood.

    • lsg1378 says:

      What? You mean that isn’t supposed to happen? My ex when visiting STILL announces that he is going to go poop, and he’s 39! LOL!

  94. Jo says:

    Waaaah it’s a horror story!!

  95. Abby says:

    So funny it hurts! Thank you so much for the belly laughs (and aches), and most importantly, keep ’em comin’!!

  96. April says:

    I love the corn in the poop!

    Sorry your mouth was open. Now I’m afraid to potty train my 2-year-old. She really likes to help. Wait. We don’t have a kid toilet. Wait. She’d still find a way to spray feces into my mouth. 😉

  97. Cheryl says:

    OMG. That was the FUNNIEST thing EVER! Hubby is going to pee his pants laughing when I tell him about it!

  98. Anny Gateley says:

    I strongly suggest you buy one of these:

    With the above scenario happening several times in our house, we ditched the “potty” and bought one. Way less gross, and no opportunities to “help”.

    • amber says:

      The sad part is , we have one of those which he almost always uses. I should just ditch the portable potty thing.

  99. Trina says:

    Bahahahahaha*snort*ahahahahahahaha! Yours is THE BEST parenting blog EVER. Hands down!

  100. Sandra Nelsen says:

    This has to be the best one yet. I am dying here. Listerine–Hope you had Listerine handy, or Lysol. A shot in the mouth of either of them had to be justified.

  101. Kbee says:

    Well, there’s a silver lining to the brown lining… which is that, for the rest of his life, no matter what, you can always pull out the poop trump card.

    “I TASTED YOUR POOP”! Do you hear me, young man? You may NOT marry that woman. I TASTED YOUR POOP

  102. Jennifer says:

    ACK! My boys do the same to me except it sounds like this: “mommmmmmmmy, come and wipe my buuuuuuuuutt!!!” Doesn’t matter if dad is in the bathroom with them, it’s MY job (sigh). Thank goodness I have only ever ate puke (stupid co-sleeping and puke only coming in the middle of the night) and never swollowed fecal!

  103. melissa atchley says:

    I have the same sprayer. Feel your pain!

  104. Monica says:

    Ohmy! i’m laughing so hard i can barely breathe! I’m so sorry though! I have been in the blissful non-butt wiping area of life now for 2 years… both my boys got the hang of it quickly or later wanted only daddy to help. But in about 4 months i will be back in that area again with number 3’s arrival… :'( it was nice while it lasted. You’ll get there though and you’ll just stand up one day and realize…”i don’t have to wipe poop!!” and do a happy dance. Do it in private though when you do it in public people stare LOL!

  105. Nikki says:

    I wish you were a friend of mine in real life so I could invite you over for a big bottle of wine, you know, to help you rinse the taste out of your mouth. I am sorry about the poosplosion 🙁

  106. Carolyn says:

    This timing of this post is impeccable! Just one hour ago, I sent my 3 year old to the bathroom for a potty break. He was quiet for a few minutes, and then I heard an odd scraping/brushing sound. I called from the kitchen, “What’s going on in there?” He replied, “Helping you sweep, Mama!” I found him “sweeping” the clean bathroom floor with the wet toilet brush that I had used to scrub the bowl just 10 minutes prior. I’m just grateful he didn’t decide to “mop” by dipping the brush into the toilet water first. Yeah, “helping” is definitely not the correct word.

  107. Mama Durso says:

    And I flip out every time one of my kids merely sits on the toilet and sprays the diaper sprayer on something innocuous. Like the floor. I shall not freak out any longer.

    I finally had it with the crazy stream on the diaper sprayer and asked my husband to freaking DO SOMETHING about it. So he did. He put in a valve that I can adjust to get just the right amount of pressure without blowing excrement around the bathroom.

  108. Layla says:

    Doesn’t come close to your story but: My 3yo is in the “Mama, I’m done poopin’!” stage of training. After I get paper, I have him lean forward over my arm so I can perform my bit. He’s eager to “help” however, and recently this took the form of him leaning forward, wayyyy forward, before I had my arm in place. He went keppa over keister and I somehow managed to grab ahold of the rounded tushie that was sticking straight up into the air… including a handful of unwiped ‘hole. Yay!

  109. Rebekah says:

    Ahhhhhhhh! This is the exact reason that my children don’t even know that the diaper sprayer sprays water. They just think it’s some sort of metal stick hose that hangs on the side of the toilet. Oh, the humanity! Poop in the mouth!

  110. Jen says:

    OMG…I just laughed so hard I made myself have to poop. Excuse me…

  111. Kari says:

    I was yelling “NOOOOO!!!” in my head while reading this (cause I’m at work). I’m glad you kept their names the same and that you asked them about it. Did you wash your mouth out with soap? Ick ick ick!

  112. Joanne says:

    LMAO!!! I should know better than to read your posts while drinking coffee, though! Coffee everywhere… but it could be worse;)

  113. kara says:

    i will be gagging for quite awhile tonight on this one thanks!

  114. Sharon says:

    I just woke hubby reading this at 5am in bed!!! So so much ewwww!!!
    You have put me off toilet training my Mini Miss! Sure, changing a 2yr olds diaper may be gross, but this is SO much worse!!!
    I hope Crappy Baby “helped” clean up too?!!

  115. Kathy says:

    Definitely pooping directly into toilets is a major step. Wiping is not nearly as bad as cleaning out poop containers.

  116. Sarah says:

    OMG. I was in the middle of singing my lo a lullaby there, could not stop myself laughing in the middle of it! And again at some of OPs, LOL. Best post ever, including the pics. Thanks for sharing. And so sorry you went through that. Yuk.

  117. Melissa says:

    ok – have to relinquish my crappy virginity (or something) to make my first comment – that post was effing HILARIOUS – laughing out loud – priceless! I got my toddler’s vomit in my mouth once – apple juice flavored – could have been worse – but never poop – at least not yet – excuse me while I find every possible wooden surface in my house to knock on… wonderful, wonderful blog – and I loved your book, too!

  118. jen says:

    I was really jealous of your diaper sprayer until I read this post…..nope, not jealous anymore!! Thank you for that! 🙂

    • Michelle K says:

      I know, right?!?! Just saved me $50. LOL!

      We are on the verge on independent butt wiping as well (#2 just turned 4)… I’m scared! Especially since it will probably mean more laundry time and stain removal.

  119. Stacey says:

    Haha that is something to look back and laugh at. And a big sign that it is time to say good bye to the diaper sprayer and small potty. I look forward to the post about how crappy baby has to use the big toilet now (no more bowls to wash out, but I’m sure something funny can come of it)

  120. Shelley West says:

    Too funny…we’ve had a bout of diarrhea in the house the past couple days, so I’m familiar with having it all over my person. Thankfully, I have not had to taste it. I never thought I’d have to handle so much feces in my life. I also caught myself sniffing something wet in the carpet today. It was either going to be spilled water, urine or diarrhea. Gotta know whether I can just dry it or have to get the carpet cleaner. It was water! Yay!

  121. Sarah says:

    How did I not see that coming?

  122. warmfuzzyfeeling says:

    My first reaction was to laugh, followed swiftly by abject terror. My 28 month old is coming up to both potty training and “helping”. I have baby 2 due in a few months, and I’ve just realised it will coincide with these developmental leaps.
    I think the only way to save my sanity is to keep lowering my standards before they are violated.

  123. Becky F says:

    Oh no! My son did pee into my mouth when he was brand new! I learned quickly to keep an extra burp rag on the changing table and to not let my jaw drop in shock when old faithful went off!

    I am glad that you are keeping Crappy Baby. I still call my son Baby Ryan and he is 2 1/2, it makes me feel like I can keep that around for a little while longer!

  124. beth says:

    This is hilarious!!! It surely made me feel better about the frequency of having to clean the poop off the walls/toilet/child/sink/clothes I am experiencing lately as my 3 yo has stopped telling me he has to poop and is going stealth. Every time we have the same conversation, “you can not stand on the potty to poopy you have to sit down”

  125. Susan Tomlinson says:

    The payback will come when you all live long enough that Crappy Baby will then be responsible for wiping Crappy Old Mom’s butt in your senility!

  126. kate says:

    ..and this is why I do without a diaper sprayer. sure I reconsider getting one when my pregnant self is bending over the potty, dipping foal smelling diapers into the swirling twister in an attempt to get the solids off, but then I realize that diaper sprayer would equal water laser to my 2 1/2 year old, and I go back to dipping;)

  127. Y says:

    I thought I had a shitty day. Oh my, I can’t stop laughing. How long did it take you to clean up that mess??

  128. Sarah says:

    Wow, I’ve had some bad poop stories, and even maybe had the kids ruin the ceiling a bit by flooding the bathroom with the sprayer, but that just takes the cake (another bad expression for the situation)

    FYI after the second bathroom flooding and millionth water fight we got a quick clip attachment for the bathroom sink faucet and a matching receptor on the diaper sprayer, now it sits safely under the sink until it is needed.

  129. June says:

    Excellent foreshadowing! Well done, Amber! So sorry that you had to sample it, though.

    Kind of unrelated, but have you ever seen the Bristol Stool Scale? It’s like the pain rating scale, except for poop!

  130. Robin says:

    This exact thing happened to us the other day. The sprayer we used on the cloth diapers has SOOOO much pressure!

  131. Diane says:

    Hilarious! Love your blog. As for the baby name…when he is four you could call him Crappy Baby Pickle.

  132. Kirsty says:

    Comedy genius! Disgusting yet hilarious and completely imaginable. Yuck!

  133. Anna says:

    PAHAHAHA, You never fail to make me do a belly laugh.

  134. Miranda says:

    And, it’s time for the diaper sprayer to GO.

    At least, if I were you, that’s what I’d do.

    But then, you wouldn’t get to laugh at me anymore!

  135. CrazyCatMadame says:

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I just spit all over my monitor from laughing. I’m sorry it happened to you, but I’m delighted you shared!

  136. Jenny Fanning says:

    OMG…that is like my worst nightmare…poo mouth!!!
    I was laughing so hard at the toddler assistance. You want them to help but yet it’s so annoying!
    p.s. my son who is 3 just saw this blog for the first time and wanted to know why Crappy Baby’s head “is broken”. I tried to explain its actually his hair but he wasn’t having any of that…he wants his head to get “fixed” LOL.

    • amber says:

      LOL, at “broken” – change is hard!

    • Candi says:

      Too funny! When my little brother was 4, my mom got a perm. A real ’70s perm, too… just bad disco hair. He took one look at her and burst into tears. “Don’t do that to your head!” Still hasn’t lived it down, but she hasn’t lived down the photographic evidence of the hair, either. 😀

  137. jessica says:

    My little guy just turned one (sniff), so I don’t have any personal experience with having a “helper,” (and I’m just going to repress your poop-tasting experience, because, ewwwww…..) but, I did see a cute little exchange in a liquor store a few days ago.

    Me – kid in cart, buying the alcohol necessary to survive staying home with my child while my husband is deployed.

    Other Mom: grabbing a *case* of some nasty generic canned beer off of the bottom shelf, with her little girl in tow.
    4(ish) year old daughter: “Momma – I can help”
    Mom: “Sweetie, it’s too heavy for you to carry.”
    little girl: “hu-uh. I can do it.”
    Mom: “ok. I’ll set it here on the floor and if you can pick it up, you can carry it.”
    little girl: pushing/pulling/lifting so hard she is grunting.
    Case of beer: not budging even a little bit.

    Me (to Mom): “You have quite the little helper!”
    Mom: (smirk) “Her twin sister is with her dad.”
    Me: “ooohhhh…. that’s lots and lots of help!”
    Both: mutual eye-roll/sigh of commiseration.

    That night, as I put one child to bed, and cracked open a(nother) beer, I toasted to that mom, and every other mother of multiple helpers.

    • Gracie says:

      I have two little girl helpers! Aged 3.5 yrs. Their older sister, soon to be 7, cannot understand what all this ‘helping’ fuss is about!!

  138. Karin says:

    My 6-year-old still tries to get away with getting me to wipe his butt for him with all kinds of random excuses: “I don’t like the thin paper!” “It’s too far away, I can’t reach it!” (though I find him playing with something on the wall just past the TP roll when I show up) and various other things like that.

  139. Linda says:

    I just found out yesterday that my son can form accurate, creative sentences about poop. “Mommy, uh oh! Doodoo on the floor! Doodoo on you hair on mommy shirt on my neck on blanket!” Yeah. I also found out that my accent pillows are machine washable, through trial and error.

  140. Cheryl P. says:

    OMG! That is so gross. Luckily, my son hated the child potty and has only gone directly into the big potty. I even bought one of the seats to go over the big seat of the toilet but he quickly outgrew that. He is a huge three year old. Just the other day he screamed that he was “Finished!” using the potty after he pooped. So in I went to help him wipe. He grabbed the toilet paper out of my hand and said “I try to do it!” I had a little party in my head that included margaritas, nachos, sombreros, dancing, the limbo, and falling down happy. Yep, all in my head. So I’m anxious to see if he’ll want to wipe himself again or if this was a one hit wonder.

  141. Kristy says:

    YES! THIS! My toddler insists on doing everything herself and it makes everything take FOREVER! 🙂 Of course, I wouldn’t have it any other way…

  142. Rumsita says:

    This is why we got my daughter using the toilet itself before we needed to install the diaper sprayer for her brother. Also why we put the sprayer on the toilet in our bathroom despite it being further away than hers. I’m quite certain her dolls would get to take showers if the sprayer was on her toilet.

  143. Cheryl P. says:

    Yeah, it was a one hit wonder. Guess who just had to wipe a child’s butt. No party here tonight, folks.

    • Sharon says:

      Naw. There will be another day to party soon. I had to wipe both my kids bums and they were able to master it by kindergarten. Now I only see their bums as they are headed out the door to be with their friends. LOL (They are 20 & 17 now) Treasure these experiences. 🙂

  144. Angela says:

    Ok that is just nasty. Funny. But nasty. *Shudder*

  145. Rachel G says:

    So gross! You must trade it out for one of those inserts that go over your toilet seat, with a hole so poop falls in, but baby butts don’t. Bonus: toddler still gets to pick it up and put it back. Cuz touching mini toilet seats is fun. It’s helping.

  146. Chrisy says:

    OMG! First I gagged and then I laughed until I wet my pants. You are by far one of the funniest people on the planet! Crappy Mama Poop-a-Palooza 2013…somebody call Hazmat!

    As for the names, I was half hoping you’d go for Farkles and Barkles. Or just simplify to Number 1 & Number 2.

  147. Amy Keffer says:

    Wow. I thought this was just me. My identical story ended with the disconnection of aforementioned diaper sprayer.

  148. Amy Keffer says:

    Oh, and am I the only one having that bittersweet angsty thing over the updating/maturing of Crappy Baby’s look? It’s the same lump in the throat I get when packing away Thing 2’s outgrown clothes. *sniff*

  149. Elizabeth says:

    I was once excited about potty training. You have now convinced me to keep MY crappy toddler in diapers forever. Until he can wipe his own arse of course.

  150. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! <— (my Darth Vader impression)

  151. Robin Jingjit says:

    His smile when he was sweeping (you drew it perfectly) is why you can’t say no.

    We have a sprayer (it’s Thailand, every house does) and even though I don’t like it myself, I love that I never had to wipe my kids’ butts. One quick spray and they were clean. They do their own now too, since it’s easy, and the little guy is only 2. I say ditch the potty chair and show him how to use the sprayer. Your future is now!

  152. Donna says:

    There’s a SPRAYER???

  153. Jimin says:

    OMG! Love your blog, but this blog was hi-lar-ious!

  154. Time to do some Tequila shots! (It’s for the germs, officer! Someone pooped in my mouth!)

    Okay, somehow I fell out of the loop… WTH is a diaper sprayer???

  155. Melissa says:

    I die!!! Literally had to clap my hand over my mouth to keep from sputtering a loud guttural laugh when I got to the picture of the explosion at face level because I am holding my sleeping baby and trying to avoid premature waking of said baby – we have a diaper sprayer for our CDing needs too….I know your pain!

  156. Madeleine says:

    2 things to say to that: 1. Tee hee hee hee hee and 2. Bleeeeeuuuuurrrrggghhhh!

  157. Brooke says:

    I want to wash my mouth out with lots and lots of beer now. GROSS! Yuck.

  158. Stephanie says:

    “Don’t change our cartoon names!” – cracked me RIGHT up!! And Crappy Pickle, your kids are hilarious!

  159. Karen K says:

    Best. Post. Ever. The foreshadowing! The artwork! The memories of the diaper sprayer days invoked! This one had better make it into a subsequent book.

  160. Dawn-Marie says:

    Hahaha….when mine was two I had my In-laws over for dinner and while I was cleaning up with my mom in law my dad in law peeked in on my son watching cartoons so close to dining room and started laughing and said hey come see this. I went around corner my sin was smiling on my my couch (which had hand prints) and he had a chocolate ring around his mouth. No one at no time gave him a cupcake, cookie, candy or chocolate. I was so grossed out and my father in law just kept laughing.I picked him up gingerly and in the tub he went. Still gives me shivers lol.

  161. Oh my goodness, actually crying and laughing at 2.32 at night. What a horrible and funny story, thank you so much for sharing.

  162. Katrina says:

    I think a part of me just died inside for you…and yet another part of me can’t stop laughing!!!!!

  163. Erin says:

    Oh ma goodness. My daughter somehow shit out of her diaper onto my foot today and I was feeling gross about that. Poop mouth? I wouldn’t be able to deal with that. Feeling very lucky we skipped over the portable potties with my son!

  164. Pam Hulse says:

    I may never stop laughing over Crappy Pickle. My goal is to be as creative as a small child.

  165. Alicia Jay says:

    LOL! I’m so sorry for you but it DID make quite a good blog post! 😉

  166. Ursula says:

    OMG! I just threw up in my mouth! This is so funny! I am so not there yet as my daughter is 6 months old today.

    I love your blog and I read it to my husband all the time! He loves the names Crappy boy and Crappy Baby!

    Thanks for making my sleepless nights, I read your Blog and all your prior posts, while feeding! So stinking funny! Thanks!

  167. Charlene says:

    OMG! This is freakin hilarious…I’m sorry, but it really is. It’s also absofuckinglutely disgusting at the same time. (and yes, that is a word…you can check the Charictionary). I personally just realized last weekend how lucky I am to have a daughter. I decided to have all of the little kids in my family have a sleepover at my moms house. It was 8 kids and two adults. Kids ranged in age from 3-14…pretty evenly divided. So, we are all out having a campfire and roasting marshmallows when the youngest boy who is a little more than 3 says he has to go potty. Mind you, my family is always full of drama and BS and no one talks to each other, etc. I’m always the one getting the kids together so they can play. (so much for keeping the kids out of it.) Anyway, this particular child happened to be my cousins’ son, who I’ve never really interacted with other than at birthday parties. Ok, so anyway, he has to go potty. I asked if he needed help and he said no. I asked if it was number 1 or number 2, he said it’s not a number Eenie (that’s me), it’s a poop, and it’s gonna be very stinky, I want you to come with me so you can smell it. (ummm….eww!) I said, I’m not coming to smell your poop, but if you need help, I’m right outside the door. 5 min go by and I ask if he still ok…he is. Another 5 min and he’s still in there. Again, I ask if he is ok, he is. Are you done yet? Not yet. Do you need help? No. Did you go potty yet? Yes. Ok, so what are you doing in there if you are done? Sitting on the tubby. (UH-OH, he had an accident???) Finally after about 15 min go by, I decide to go in and assess the situation. (Mind you, I’m outside the door the entire time he is in there singing and babbling.) I open the door and find him sitting on the edge of the tub. Fully dressed, not wet, no accident, nothing. But it sure as shit (no pun intended LOL) smelled like someone died in there. So I ask the last question I have. “what are you doing in here?” And he responds with “smelling my poop.” WHY???????? I mean, seriously it smelled awful. I had to open windows and use spray to get it to smell a little less toxic.
    Boys are so gross!

  168. Kirsty Shields says:

    Oh yeah, those pressure sprayers work wonders if used correctly with the delicate touch. I learn’t from using cloth nappies a few times and yes, I have been there and tasted it too!!!!!

  169. Rebecca says:

    Oh god that was a gross one.

  170. Sara says:

    NOT OK…the end

  171. kim says:

    lol, I envision this happening in my home in the near future.

    This is a great preschooler “I can do it myself” recipe. 3 ingredients, can’t mess it up, yummy cookie and it keeps them busy massing the banana for a while.

  172. jen says:

    So many items:
    1. So disturbing, yet so funny. You have such a way with words 🙂
    2. I cannot even come close to imagining having a conversation like this when I was in college. Unfortunately (for my conscience?) I can come close to what I would have thought about the mom discussing it. Oh how I hope I am less judgmental now.
    3. My girls (5 and almost 3) “helped” me make muffins today. I couldn’t help myself from taking over at the end and pouring the batter into the muffin tin myself. They got to help a lot up to that point. Also, they asked Santa for brooms last Christmas, as if they saw me sweeping often. Well, Santa brought them, along with dustpans and small brushes, none of which I have hidden yet. Partially because the 5-year-old is actually pretty good at it.
    4. What is the deal with pickles? Pickle is my 5-year-old’s favorite word, even though she claims she doesn’t actually like pickles. She kept telling her friends at school she would invite them over for a pickle party. She wasn’t sure what that meant, but we decided to invite them over anyway for a cookout. But the invite does say “pickle party.” I think we’ll have to play “guess how many pickles are in the jar” to make it legit.
    5. I have those dreams, too. But very often I am in the back seat of the car (while it is moving, of course) and no one is in the front.

    I didnt know this was going to be so long when I started. If you’re still with me, thanks. Mostly, thank you for keeping me laughing with your wittiness and unique story-telling ability.

  173. Tiffany says:

    As I read this, my 6-year-old was in the bathroom, specifically NOT pooping. I WISH he’d announce that he needs to go, then do so. Oh, how I wish…

  174. Dawn S. says:

    That tiny little piece of poop you drew in your mouth was what made this for me! Oh goodness, the laughter I had to stifle so I didn’t wake the sleeping kiddos in the next room!

  175. Lisa says:

    Aaaaaaah! All these years I’ve been wondering whether I want a sprayer. Now I know. I do not.

    Thank you.

  176. Elva says:


  177. You are the best storyteller, Amber. I only wish, for you, that this was fiction.

    Just think, after this incident, simply wiping a poopy butt will be nothing at all…

    PS: Still wiping booties around here and my youngest is 6! Oy.

  178. kylie says:

    Oh my…& I was upset yesterday when my 2yr old tipped a whole bottle of smoked paprika over herself….
    You have to get rid of that evil toilet water laser…lots of sympathy to you….

  179. katie says:

    can’t. breathe.


  180. LMTchick says:

    Well, the author Michael Pollan would say this was a good thing. People need a wider variety of bacteria in their intestines, apparently, and there’s even such a thing as a fecal transplant for people who have serious, life-threatening bacterial imbalances.
    I know this sounds like something from The Onion, but:

    So Crappy Baby just saved you a crapload of $ by doing it all for free!!! Doesn’t that make you feel better now? :- D

  181. lindsay says:

    the helping stage! we are in this right now too.
    I think the opposite of “helping” that you were looking for is “hindering”. That’s what we say in our house anyway.

  182. Jamie H. says:

    when you wrote, “I can taste it.” All I could do was echo your earlier statement, “Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”
    (So glad to be past the stage you are in.)

  183. Tarah says:

    AAAHHHHH!!!!! Noooooo! I cringed as I read the story, knowing what was coming next.

  184. Nusrat says:

    OMG! Why was I drinking coffee right when I scrolled down and read that last part?! That was hilarious!

  185. Carolyn says:

    Oh no! That was so funny and I felt sorry for you at the same time. I didn’t think there were many things worse than cleaning poop. I stand corrected. Tasting it and then cleaning it are much, much worse.

  186. Chris says:

    OMG! The things us mommies go through! My “Crappy Boy” (who will be 4 in 3 weeks) announces he has to poop and then proceeds to yell out how many and what size! “I had 1 biiiig poop and 2 little ones!!!” And it always seems to happen especially loud when daddy is working from home and on a conference call LOL! We’re just entering the wipe-your-own-ass phase, and so far so good! Now if my 19 month old will start telling me he’s pooped before, instead of after, then I’ll be happy! Can’t wait to be done with diapers! Love love love your site by the way!! 🙂

  187. Rachel says:

    Oh my goodness-you have REALLY got to warn people to stop drinking their coffee before reading posts like this!

  188. Jamie says:


  189. LeahM says:

    LOL! Holy S***T! My own traumatic memories of diaper sprayer poop explosions just came roaring back. And this is probably why after we moved houses, I never got around to installing a new diaper sprayer. Now, how about the fact that little potties themselves actually make little sense after the kid is three and can clearly sit up on a big toilet and flush like the rest of us, but the 3-yr-old *won’t* because the little potty is portable and can travel throughout the house so that he never has to miss out on the latest Matchbox car adventure? Talk about precarious poop incidents…

  190. E. says:

    My little guy has taken it upon himself to empty the potty sometimes – usually when no one is around. We have a sprayer too and though I haven’t seen him try to use it yet, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. I will think of this post when it inevitably happens to me!

  191. Peyton Price says:

    I’ll need Listerine
    and a long Silkwood shower
    to bounce back from this.

  192. sanj says:

    While I was reading all these hilarious posts, my ancient dog pooped and trackd circles in it. Smooshed all over her nails, between her toes, in her fur, and on the concrete porch floor. Immediately decided against using a hose spayer – (I learn quickly, right?) No poopsmoothie for me, thank you! So I rinsed her feet in the goldfish pond. (Fish won’t notice; they poop in there, too.) I think poop is nature’s way of keeping us from getting too smug about being smart.

  193. Emily says:

    I am SO glad I do NOT have children. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

    Children are disgusting little germ machines. This is also why I refuse to use my teaching certifications. I had to wipe the ass of one yesterday. Repulsive. Sorry, Parents. I had to say it. I love children from afar and I love most child stories but EW!

  194. M says:

    Too amazing. I don’t know how you’ve outdone yourself but you have. This was me: “Taste it? Gross. Horrible. Nooooo, not face level! OMG SHE TASTED IT! GROSS! HORRIBLE!”

  195. Lana says:

    Thanks to elimination communication from birth both my boys aged almost 3 and 14 months do not need potty training or to be asked to go potty (both started taking themselves as soon as they could climb onto the potty chair solo) however I still MUST be told they’re going and I don’t want them to stop because the few times they’re gone and had a quiet poop I’ve had to stop them from helping me by emptying the potty themselves.

  196. Tracy says:

    Oh dear bob I am so glad I never got a diaper sprayer!

    On the sweeping. This is not the most environmentally happy option, but it is the most keep my sanity (or what I have left of it) option. I haven’t used a broom since my LO could walk (not quite 2 years now) because she would always go straight through the pile I was trying to sweep up. Ewww you may say, but instead I use a floor vacuum. I loooove it! There is nothing for her to walk through and since she also likes to be helpful she actually sort of vacuums stuff up instead of making a bigger mess. There was the one time something wasn’t quite right and it shot crap all over the place, but I’ll still take one time in almost 2 years of mess getting all over to every time I clean the floor.

  197. CMD says:

    The first thing I thought when I read this was “oh, sh**!”

  198. Ali says:

    So gross! I wish I hadn’t read this before breakfast…Amber you poor thing!

  199. Dewi says:

    This put all of my experience with bodily fluids in perspective. I have a diaper sprayer at home too, and we use it to clean ourselves as well as diaper, I can just imagine what my baby will try to do later when he is bigger… *shudders*
    On a side note, I never had a ‘brakes not working’ dream, but it actually happened to me in real life. In an old rental, coming down steep rural mountain road, with sheer drop off into a canyon on the side. Luckily my sister and I could smell burning rubber and the brakes ddidn’t feel right, so I veered off into a side road to check. The car rolled 3 times the distance it normally would before it came to a stop and once it did white smoke just came wafting up from the overheated brakes. Stopped just in time. Still got chills thinking how close to death we were that time.

  200. Heather E says:

    laugh. and yet another reason I haven’t gotten the diaper sprayer yet. that was an awesome story.

  201. laura says:

    I had many similar incidences when my youngest was that age. She wanted privacy and she took forever, and then she would dump on her own… fortunately no diaper sprayer.

  202. Lynann says:

    My son is five and I wipe his butt about 50% of the time now. I try real hard to not think about those other times. When I do wipe him, he bends waaaaay over at the waist and maintains his balance by hanging on to the outside of the toilet bowl as far down as his arms would go. I couldn’t figure out why he started doing that and then I remembered that I used to say, “Don’t touch me! You probably touched your butt with those hands!!” Poor kid. Though you would have thought he’d have figured out that touching your butt is not good, but sometimes I hear myself saying “I smell butt. Did you touch your butt?” And by butt I mean anus. Actually, the first time I said “I smell ass”, then realized that was a poor word choice. Sometimes he “checks” to see if he was cleaned well. And yes, I try to pretend he didn’t touch anything else in the house before I discovered the butt-smell. So gross.

  203. Pingback: Everyone Poops, But Only Kid-Poop Is Funny | Peanut Butter on Rye

  204. Steph says:

    omg. I was actually yelling ‘No! No!’ at Crappy Baby right along with you. Until I got to the last picture and shuddered. Still shuddering for you.

  205. ml says:

    UGH!!!!! GROSS!!! I would vomit if that happened to me. You poor thing. My kid is 1.5. I’m just biding my time for that day. GAH!

  206. Jennifer says:

    Today had been one of those days when i need perspective. And i just got a dose of it, right in your face.

  207. Jessiejack says:

    just catching up on your posts – thanks you for a LOL hilarious post!!

  208. Rose says:

    Ok, I just had to comment on this one as I am cracking up laughing! This was the funniest thing I have read in a long time.

  209. Roxy says:

    Bahahahahaha! After 15 minutes of reading the post and comments, my husband finally told me I was getting annoying because I was laughing so hard and so much. He has no idea when he says “it can’t possibly that funny”. Oh yes dear, it can be and you should know better since we also have 2 boys.

  210. Lisa says:

    I haven’t read these for awhile and am going through them this morning. This made me laugh so much that it is a good thing that Crappy Baby was nowhere near me with the sprayer.

    My kids are quite a bit older than yours, but the helping/independence thing never completely goes away. My 14 year old in a burst of independence wants to cook more this summer and has asked if she can do more of the cooking. Of course I said “yes” even though I love to cook and hate to clean up and the cooking/cleaning ratio won’t be in my favor.

    All this is leading to the final conundrum where if you raise them to be the kind of adults that you find delightful, they will want to leave your house, but if you fail in that, they will stay at home forever.

  211. Bry says:

    Oh my goodness this post just made me laugh to the point of tears…. I had to read it out loud to the hubby and couldn’t even finish reading the whole thing, I was laughing and crying too hard. THANKS!

  212. Julie says:

    I laughed so hard at this the other night my 4.5 year old daughter wondered what was so funny. She wanted to see it for herself. We’ve revisited this post twice tonight.
    your work is priceless!

  213. amanda says:

    OMG… I just found your blog today and it’s EXACTLY what i needed. I had the worst nights sleep as illustrated in your “what it’s like to not sleep at night” post. After the lack of sleep I was dreading dealing with the kids and my resulting bad mood; but this has totally purked me up. This post made me cry with my laughter. My 3 yr old will grab his crappy ass as he runs by hollering “mom I’ve got to poop” no matter where we’re at. The only difference is I do not have a sprayer (prefer the liners myself). My 4 yr old is branching out into wipping his own crappy ass and the resulting mess is quite crappy! Oh to know that I’m not the only one dealing with such crappy kids is great. I’m loving your blog and off to see if my library will get your book in for me.

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  218. Shannon says:

    So, I know this is an old post, but this exact same thing just happened to me this weekend! I am SOOO glad I’m not the only one! lol