Toddler Self-Help (Non-Crappy Collaboration)

Welcome to my first-ever Crappy Collaboration* post with Jason Good!

Based on his name you might assume he is a dad blogger. However! You are right.

His Facebook page is here and a monkey gets a banana every time someone likes it. So make that happen. For the monkey.

I could go on and on about how much of a fan I am of his. Or how someone once wrote that I’m like the female version of him (weird yet awesome, no?) but I think you understand already since I pulled out a monkey.

*Crappy Collaborations are my way to share some of my favorite, funny parenting writers. They wrote the words, I drew the pictures. 

———————————————————————-

UPDATE: It is now two years later and Jason wrote a book that came out this week. I pre-ordered it because I knew it was going to be rad. It is.  This Is Ridiculous This Is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists You have to buy it. I’m not kidding. I laughed out loud at 2 minutes, 9 seconds in. I set a timer. Then surprise! I got teary on page 30. Holy crap. This is the best parenting book I’ve ever read. It’s like he’s in my head, people.

The following is a collaboration post from 2012 and while this list is in his book, there are 70 other lists in the book that are even funnier. If you like this at all, you will love his book. Just buy it. If I can’t convince you, well, then do it for the monkey.

———————————————————————-

Here is Jason’s post, with my crappy pictures…

Self-help Advice from a 2 year old, by Jason Good

©2011-2012, Jason Good; illustrations ©2012, Amber Dusick

toddler self help 1

1. Challenge yourself every day. Try climbing the stairs carrying two soccer balls while wearing your father’s shoes. Remember, failure IS an option.


toddler self help 2

2. De-clutter! Start by throwing all your dishes in the garbage. After that I suggest toothbrushes and important paper work.


toddler self help 3

3. Pee on the floor and stomp in it like a puddle. You’ll be shocked how much better you feel.


toddler self help 4

4. Whether the glass is half empty or half full is irrelevant if you dump it out on the sofa. You’re welcome.

5. If you’re feeling aggressive, or just bored, scream in a cat’s face.

6. Don’t ever be afraid to hand someone an ice cube while they’re on the toilet. That stuff is cold. You don’t have to be in pain!

7. Socks are poison. Trust me, don’t wear them! Happiness will soon follow!

toddler self help 5

8. Pound on a computer keyboard like Jerry Lee Lewis playing the piano. Feel better? I thought so. Great Balls of Fire!


toddler self help 6

9. If you fall down, stay down. Someone will pick you up eventually.

10. Quick thrills fuel the heart. Have you learned to delete things off the DVR yet? DO IT. It’s AwWwWwEsOmE.

11. Seize the day and the night and the middle of the night and the early morning. Seize everything, y’all! Never stop seizing stuff.


toddler self help 7

12. Tired of looking at yourself in the mirror? So was I until I met my friend permanent marker. FACE TATTOOS ARE RAD.


toddler self help 8

13. This might be a tough one, but you gotta trust me: Take a crap in the tub. It’s surreal.

14. Live in the moment because there is nothing else. Seriously, there isn’t. Not that I’m aware of at least.


toddler self help 9

15. If you’re gonna run, do it at top speed, man. Life is too short to walk in the mall.

 

 

————-

 

Please, pretty please visit the hilarious blog of Jason Good because it will be worth it.

Better yet, give him some Facebook love and tell him Willy Wonka sent you. 

NO. You don’t need to do any of those things today. Just BUY HIS BOOK. You’ll thank me later.

(Because I don’t like to break laws, I have to write that all Amazon links are affiliate links. This means that if you buy stuff I get tossed a few coins to save up for important essentials like inflatable unicorn horns and tea tree oil. Thank you!)

This entry was posted in crappy collaboration, crappy pictures, parenting, terrible twos, toddlers. Bookmark the permalink.

154 Responses to Toddler Self-Help (Non-Crappy Collaboration)

  1. Liz says:

    OMG this is funny! Scream in a cat’s face!

    • Nicole says:

      That was my favorite too. I almost spit out my lunch as I read that one.

    • Angela says:

      Yeah, pretty sure this guy met my little fella! He screams in the cats face daily! More if he feels it’s necessary, or just sees the cat peek out. No wonder she hides in my room all day.

    • Pami says:

      I don’t think our cat has ever been screamed at, but tackled, “hugged,” choked, hit, kicked, stepped on, beaten with a stick he’s supposed to be chasing, and pet “gently” (aka, smacked silly) are tolerated daily. I honestly don’t know why he still tries to cuddle with our 3yo DD.

      • Lissa says:

        We’ve got that going on in our house too. We tell the cat all the time, you can walk away, but no, it just sits there and takes it and comes back for more. We have finally at least taught our 2 yr old DD pet the cat from head to butt. Which itself is an odd thing to see a hysterical toddler yelling “Head to Butt!!” at the cat as she tries to strip it’s fur off with the palm of her hand.

    • Greg says:

      I respect that you didn’t draw that cat one, Amber, it is a testament to your understanding of the importance of timing a surprise in humor. That is why your writing is so fantastic. You knew that line held enough weight of surprise alone. This collaboration kicked ass.

    • Carolyn says:

      I’m just sad I don’t have a cat into whose face we could all scream.

    • amber says:

      That was my favorite too! Poor Crappy Cat, he knows this too well.

  2. Mandy says:

    Omg thank you for the laugh!! Especially the pee on the floor and the stay down when you fall down!! Priceless!!

  3. sarah says:

    nice! i like the collaboration. and the list, i definitely think my boys have a list like this they subscribe to, on the iPad i’m sure.

  4. Leslie says:

    Face tatoos ARE rad! ;) so are self done haircuts (the BEST is done by a 2-3 year old, but 5 year old haircuts can be just as disast- er… AwWwWwWesome!)

    • Kathleen says:

      My daughter cut her hair not only when she was 3, but also again at age 4. And then again at 5. I think she may have learned now not to do it. Her age 4 cut was the worst, because that’s when she attacked her bangs (three days before Mother’s Day).

      • Barroness says:

        New Reader Here so going through the archives…

        Both my son (5) and my daughter (3) just recently gave themselves self-haircuts… and they have to be in a Wedding in less than a month

  5. Angela K. says:

    You two should make this into a book! I laughed my ass off especialy at the picture of him jumping in pee with his little butt showing.

  6. I love #9! Why do they do that? My daughter just lays there and finds something else to do, like, oh! this is actually ok!

    Jenna
    callherhappy.com

  7. Noey says:

    I always snicker a little harder than normal when you dram baby butt cheeks. I have no idea why. But I do.

  8. Jennifer F.M. says:

    9. “If you fall down, stay down. Someone will pick you up eventually”
    8. “Pound on a computer keyboard like Jerry Lee Lewis playing the piano. Feel better? I thought so. Great Balls of Fire!”
    “3. Pee on the floor and stomp in it like a puddle. You’ll be shocked how much better you feel.”
    ~ Love Love Love it. Too funny & Amber’s pictures as always, spot on!

  9. Jill says:

    I don’t read many blogs but I’ll be adding Jason’s, this is great!

  10. I love it! Just gave him some love because Willy Wonka told me to! :)

  11. Julia says:

    You and Jason Good are the only 2 blogs that I read! And the 2 of you together?!?!?! BLOG MAGIC!!!

  12. Shea says:

    The screaming in the cat’s face part…omg I almost died laughing!

  13. Barbara says:

    I laughed out loud. At work. In a session I’m supposed to be teaching (we were on a break). My almost two-year-old has done numbers 2, 3, 5, and 6 just this week. I’m sure my five-year-old did, too, but you block out the trauma. Or there would be a lot of only children in the world. :)

  14. Mike says:

    Jason Good and Amber’s pictures are a match made in hilarious heaven. Well done.

  15. Heather says:

    I LOVED this collaboration!

  16. “I love #9! Why do they do that? My daughter just lays there and finds something else to do, like, oh! this is actually ok!”

    Because they can :D I don’t know how many times a day I do something for my kids while asking myself (or them) “why am I doing this again?”

    • Rachel says:

      Ah, this morning I hear a blood curling “Mommy” coming from his room, waking me up. I get up and is there some great emergency, like he fell out of bed and is now paralyzed? Nope, can I bring his clothes from two feet away and give them to him so he can get dressed by himself. Really, WTF. And then I did it and went back to bed, all the time muttering to myself.

  17. Keith's Momma says:

    LOVE IT, and love Jason! My kiddo just did arm tattoos this morning…luckily not a face tattoo!
    Thanks for the humor, I needed it!

  18. Dragon says:

    FACE TATTOOS ARE RAD.

    Yes, especially the night before class pictures…..

  19. Taryn says:

    Amber – I always love your posts and I trust your taste in humor. Jason – this is hilarious and I’m so glad Amber introduced me to your work! Both of you – I could see this list as a book. I’d buy it!

  20. Valerie says:

    Oh! Now I know where my kids get all their great ideas. Thanks for the laugh!

  21. Angela says:

    LOVE love LOVE this! This is my life in toddlerville! You two have captured it very well!

  22. Dawn says:

    I’m pretty sure you have been hiding in my closet watching my life. Can I add?

    Refuse healthy food. Know that in time, and a lot of crying, you WILL get that cookie.

    Demand the same movie over and over and over. There is nothing wrong with learning every line to Mickey’s Christmas in July. Consider it being ahead of the game for December.

    Clothes are highly overrated. Even in a 65 degree house.

    And because it is 65 degrees and really cold, don’t bother with the 100 blankets laying around. Moms ultra soft ‘fur of 1000 teddy bears’ bathrobe is more awesome. She doesn’t need to stay warm. And she’s working up a sweat picking up the toys (see below).

    Toys are funner to play with when you empty out every.single.one. Having a visual of everything is mandatory. Then go play with the tv remote control.

    When you drop your food on the floor, don’t pick it up. Lay down and eat it off the floor like the dog. 10 second rules only apply if you pick it up. No time limit when eating off the floor.

    Litterboxes are the same as a sandbox when playing with a dumptruck. Utilize what you have.

    Sit in the tub and splash till half the water is on the floor and walls. Consider it killing 2 birds with one stone..mom has to mop.

    :)

  23. Courtney says:

    Number 3 is my kid ALL DAY. I’m glad I’m not alone.
    also if you’ve never read any of jasons stuff, start with “3 minutes inaide my toddlers head”. Id link it but that’s beyond my phone’s expertise. Also I’m lazy. Then read the one about..the saturation something or another (I’m so helpful!)
    Maybe ready an extra set of underwear.

    • jessica says:

      Omg. The 3 minutes in my toddler’s head post is amazing. I found it last year, before I had a toddler, and cried laughing. Now that my daughter is almost 2, its even funnier.

  24. Michele C. says:

    dying. This is hysterical!!!!!!!!!!!

  25. Callie says:

    Hilarious!! love it

  26. Kathy B. says:

    Gee, that’s funny…I didn’t realize that my two boys have read this blog before and have acted out every. single. one. of. these! Ha! This was great! The screaming in the cat’s face- yeah, that happens a few times a day here! (Sigh…)

  27. Laura says:

    I’m sorta dissapointed that there was no illustration for #5. Although, I can picture the squinched up, crappily drawn face and the stick-figure cat. So, I guess, never mind.

  28. Erica says:

    I love this! Admittedly, I was wary when you announced you’d be doing collaborations. This actually is great and while his words are funny by themselves, being a visual person, the crappy pictures just make it for me. My favorite it the if you fall down stay down image!

  29. Amy says:

    Best and truest advice — could have come straight from my 4 year old son’s mouth: If you’re feeling aggressive, or just bored, scream in a cat’s face.

    You two are AWESOME together and apparently share a brain! Great post!!!

  30. Becca says:

    Love it. Especially the permanent marker bit because my 4 year old may or may not have done just that one hour before the 1 year old’s birthday party. Good times.

  31. Christina says:

    I liked this until the last one which I found offensive. I do not like seeing G-d in a joke. I’m probably in the minority here but just wanted to give feedback. Amber, I always love your posts though and I’ve learned to accept the occassional swearing since you don’t do it often.

  32. Heidi says:

    Your readers have crashed another site! I’ll check it later but will like him on facebook now. Loved the two of you together you really do share a brain!

  33. Casey says:

    Ahhh…made my day again…”you gotta trust me. Take a crap in the tub…” BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Dieing over here!!!

  34. Amy says:

    You two are a classic combo like bread and butter! I loved this so much! I can’t see Jason’s site but will try later, this is funny shit!

  35. Elecia says:

    #13+corresponding picture = HIGH-larious!

  36. Jen says:

    Your son and my 2yr old son could be twins, you had me rolling! I find comfort in knowing I am not alone, you did leave out, general rule what ever food, some goes on the floors, some to the cat and the rest in his hair!

  37. Morgan says:

    I think my 2 1/2 year old daughter helped to write this…either that or she has read it many times! So funny!!

  38. jessica says:

    My little dude isn’t even 1/4 of the way to 2 yet, but I’m starting to work myself up for it – steel my emotions, work on my ability to laugh in the face of baby food ground into the light-beige carpet of our (rented) house.

    On a not-quite-related note, the use of the word “rad” totally made my day. Thank you, author & illustrator – I’m planning on reincorporating that into my vocabulary. I’ve missed it ever since the mid-90s!

  39. Mama P says:

    My daughters may not read this post. That’s because they know half of it already and I don’t want them to learn the rest!

  40. Christopher says:

    As the father of an almost-3-year-old, I’m LMAO as I personally identify with about 99% of these.

    Only the fact that I’m an Apple-hater and my wife and I have deliberately shielded our son from TV keeps me from 100%.

    The cat-chasing, floor-peeing, tub-pooping, keyboard banging goodness are all things we have (or still do) dealt with before. I just love that I can laugh about it now…and now that we have another one, I know what I have to look forward to again!

  41. melissa says:

    i just peed my pants and shot coffee through nose while reading this! AMAZING!

  42. Sarah says:

    Number 9 is most defiantly my son.

  43. Jen says:

    OMG hysterical!!!! Love ‘if you fall down stay down, someone will eventually pick you up’ why do toddlers do that????

  44. Kim says:

    His site is awesome but i could only read it for a minute – those colors are bad – i couldn’t see a thing that was written!

  45. Erin mommy of a monster says:

    Omg these are rules to live by !!!

  46. deetz says:

    That.was.awesome. AWESOME.

  47. Richie says:

    My two (almost 3) year old has this whole list down pat – except the icecube on the toilet. That one made me laugh out loud! Or the cat one (we have none) but she just screams in her sister’s face instead…

  48. Jennifer N. says:

    I have been debating about adopting a cat for some time, but after reading this… I’m sold! I need to go get one! And btw, your soccer ball drawings are awesome! I can barely draw one by hand let alone on the computer. Pure talent! :)

  49. XD says:

    I’m thinking a disclaimer is in order. Weak bladder warning ahead… Put Incontinance pad in place before reading… Exc… Why? Because I peed a little bit while laughing. A few times.

  50. Stephanie says:

    Amber – thank you so much for introducing me to Jason Good! I just read a few of his blog posts and laughed so hard my mascara is running down my face. Awesome!

    And, of course, I love your blog, as always and CAN’T WAIT FOR THE BOOK! It’s so good to have funny people writing about what amounts to my life – reminds me to laugh at the crazy instead of going crazy! :)

  51. Nicole says:

    Face tattoos are much radder than butt tattoos… Especially when you don’t know WHICH of the eleventy-billion markers participated in said butt tattoos… Not that I know anything about that…

  52. Heidi says:

    I found your blog through Jason’s. Now I’m addicted to both of them :)
    I have a real life picture of my son after he found a black marker. He looks like Uncle Fester….it only took a week to get it out of all the cracks and crevices :)

  53. BeckyKay says:

    Oh my gosh!! I have tears rolling down my face!!! So, so funny! My daughter is three, and yes!! Yes, yes, yes!!

  54. Darcy says:

    My son has done nearly all of those things! Creepy… O.o

  55. Sarah says:

    As I’m reading scream in a cats face, my toddlers start screaming in each others faces, its a contest, let’s see who can blow out mommys ear drums first…

  56. Kris says:

    Thanks so much Amber for introducing me to Jason’s work. He is quite hilarious, and the ‘dad’ version of this crazy job we call Parenting. Enjoy you both SO much!

  57. Eva says:

    Yay, Jason Good!! Yours and his are the only two blogs I follow religiously!! Thanks for teaming up.

  58. Kyla says:

    I feel so unalone now. Hilarious. Can’t stop laughing.

  59. Michelle J. says:

    #16 Killed. Me. Dead. That is all.

  60. julie says:

    like i need ANOTHER blog to encourage me not to get my work done? yes, yes I do. this guy is nuts. and hilarious. bookmarked him and good luck with any productivity from me for the next few days!

  61. Oh my god–this is hilarious! I have an almost 2 year old boy and he does ALL of those things!!!!! Love it!

  62. Mindi Jones says:

    You got me confused when you said “since I pulled out a monkey” my mind kind of wondered after that, thinking what could it (yes I know it’s bad, it’s really been a while). ANYWAY… never mind…

  63. Kim says:

    You need to find a way to incorporate naked baby butt’s in all of your posts. Comedy gold.

    Love the Good & Crappy Collaboration!

  64. Sirintorn M says:

    OMG so funny! It’s great to get a change of perspective on life every so often!!

  65. Kylie says:

    Haha #9 had me laughing so hard! Sounds just like my little man….falls down and just lays there and looks around till someone picks him up! Lol

  66. Jess says:

    The “Good & Crappy Collaboration” has a brilliant ring to it! You two make the perfect dad/mom combo, you both are so funny in similar ways. I loved seeing this. Do more together!

  67. Erin says:

    LMFAO at the scream in a cat’s face!

  68. Patricia says:

    So funny!! I was crying my face off!!!!!!! Wish I had face tattoos!!!!!!!!

  69. SingleMama says:

    I treated this as a check list, and yes, it is the first list I have accomplished in a long time! Too funny!

  70. Maggie S. says:

    I cannot wait until my husband gets home and I can make him read this post before he does anything else.

    Scream in the cat’s face. I bet he did that.

    Of course, stomp in your pee. What else would you do?

  71. Lori Langone says:

    I gave that monkey a banana. This blog post rocks.

  72. When I was breastfeeding my second baby, I read every single funny thing on the Internet to keep me sane during all those night feelings. As soon as I saw the soccer balls/papa’s shoes drawing I what this post was and I was so happy!

  73. Kate says:

    I feel like this post was written just for me…

    Kate
    http://www.justdelivered.net

  74. Chelsea says:

    Omg.. soo funny! my 11 month old just did #13 the other night to dad.. the funniest thing ever! (If it was me I dont think I would have been laughing so hard..but it wasnt).. Everyday your blog makes me laugh and find the humor in days when I’m about ready to pull out my hair! Thank you for reminding me to laugh, smile and not take it all so serious! :)

  75. Kim says:

    Take a crap in the bath BAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Ok!

  76. Christine Jacobsen says:

    The tears were streaming down my face at : Take a crap in the tub. It’s surreal. Needed that laugh.

  77. S says:

    Kids teach me so much. I love number 1, and 15. 14 follows, naturally.

  78. Tina says:

    I just watched Jason Good on nickmom night out on nickmom aka nickjr during the day! Funny guy just did 3 minutes in the head of a two year old!

  79. Oma Mary-Margaret Patricia says:

    Whose children [or grandchildren] go no-bones-limp when you try to get them up off the floor & out the door? Mine did, and the clones do as well! This whole extensive blog made me pee, spit and blow out my nose!! I’m tired and it’s WAY time for be, but I couldn’t stop reading. I’m hooked, lined and sinker-ed!

  80. Mercy says:

    Only jump in the pee? My 3 year old thinks it’s great fun to pee in some obscure place and then meticulusly spread it all over the floor with her hands and feet, then all over her body. And she IS toilet trained. I think she does it just to see me turn red.

  81. Sean says:

    I read this on my playbook while my 2 year old was falling asleep for his nap… Thought i would indulge in a little Crappy blog… Then, I read, “take a crap in the tub”. I laughed out loud and almost woke up the sleeping toddler! And it would have been worth it!
    Great job, keep ‘em coming!!

  82. JLo says:

    Have you learned to delete things off the DVR yet? DO IT. It’s AwWwWwEsOmE. <<< made me pee my pants!

  83. Amanda Reed says:

    Rofl!! Love it!

  84. Lisa says:

    SO. VERY. FUNNY!

  85. DianeMargaret says:

    Thank the Lord that our’s has only found ball point pens instead of markers! I’m an enabler though…if she brings me a pen and asks for a “Daddy-too” (Daddy has tattoos), I’ll draw whatever she wants. This is usually animals or bugs but lately, I have been drawing numbers on the tips of her fingers (tattoos can be educational!). She particularly likes things drawn on her tummy, which isn’t easy because she starts giggling!
    I, thankfully (*knock on wood*), have never dealt with #10 or #13! Also, I’m very glad to hear I’m not the only one whose kids loves pee puddles!!!!!

  86. Becky says:

    O.M.G.
    I am dying.
    So freaking funny.

  87. Clare says:

    I am really tempted to pee on the floor and stomp in it when I have one of those days. Should I? Maybe I will feel better.
    The poop in the tub, well, I would try it if you say it really is a life changer.

  88. Leigh says:

    So sometimes people tell me about blogs or I click on links saying this blog is awesome only to be let down by a mildly funny blogger who only posts like once a month. Not the case here!! Jason’s blog is great. I totally agree… you are the girl version of him or he is the guy version of you. Pictures are fantastic – I liked the sad computer screen.

  89. Annie B says:

    The cat’s sitting next to me wondering why I’m laughing so much…should I show him?
    Brilliant!

  90. emma says:

    you know what’s funnier than reading this post? having your almost-3-yr-old sit on your knee while you do so and tell you what the kid is doing in all the pics :) surprisingly accurate – ‘stomping in yellow’ was my favorite :)

  91. Tracy says:

    My LO just turned two, I nearly choked on my cereal reading this it is just soooo dang funny! And true, obviously very, very true.

  92. Sam B says:

    Squinty poopy eyes are the best! And, in addition, pooping on the floor in the brief window of diaper-less time seems pretty satisfying.

  93. Ellen says:

    Socks are TOTALLY the devil. And nylons are even worse. :(

  94. BillB says:

    Great. Just great. Now I gotta go to HR for laughing like a lunatic. (why do I read these at work?! Why?!!!)

  95. Amanda says:

    I cried this was so funny, and things my son does daily. Handful puts it mildly. One thing he forgot though, Make friends – at the grocery store, hardware store, anywhere. Just reach out from your cart and grab their shirt in an awesomely surprising titty twister of a grab. First impression nailed and friend for life!

  96. Jessica C says:

    Was out of my mind trying to keep quiet while laughing at this, it’s 2 am… I’m trying hard not to wake my son who finally fell asleep… either that or he has escaped out the window or is happily playing with his own feces in his room… whatever, he’s quiet. As the mother of a newly 3 year old and his nearly 2 year-old brother, this post described my life. I and my poor anxious cat thank you for understanding us.

  97. Pingback: Friday Fun Day — 10/19/2012 « ohdizzle

  98. Cammie says:

    hilarious. my 2 year old hates socks with a passion!

  99. MargieK says:

    This reminds me of something the Honest Toddler would have written! May I nominate that blog as worthy of your illustrative talents?
    http://thehonesttoddler.com/

  100. Henry Homrich says:

    Keeping socks on your baby’s feet is no simple task. One little kick, a tug at the toes and they’re off. And of course it’s always one sock from every pair that gets lost!-

    Find out about our very own blog site too
    <,http://www.beautyfashiondigest.com/dry-skin-on-face/

  101. Starla says:

    Oh, I love this! I actually found your blog through Jason’s blog…and “they” are right. I do feel like you are the female version of him. =D

  102. Gino Narain says:

    Keep the skin moist (called lubricating or moisturizing the skin). Use ointments (such as petroleum jelly), creams, or lotions 2 – 3 times a day. Moisturizers should not contain alcohol, scents, dyes, or other chemicals. Using a humidifier in your home will also help. Moisturizers and emollients work best when they’re applied to skin that is wet or damp. After washing or bathing, pat the skin dry and then apply the moisturizer right away.-”.-

    Please do find out about our favorite blog site
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  103. Angie says:

    I haven’t seen this one before, how did I miss it? I’m buying his book! For the monkey!

  104. Karen says:

    LOL @ scream in a cat’s face. I haven’t heard of Jason Good before but I’m excited to find another blogger to follow, thank you!

  105. sara says:

    You’ve convinced me, I just bought it.

  106. Trish says:

    I have zero cash right now but I added the book to my wishlist. I loved your book, Amber and I trust your book recs!

  107. Alicia says:

    You two need to do more together, this is perfection!

  108. Taryn says:

    I got so excited I thought you two made a new one.

    More Good & Crappy! More, more, more!

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