the uppers & downers of parenting (or, coffee & wine)

I am a drug addict. I use uppers and downers.

But only to make me a better parent.

I never drank coffee before I had kids. At least not in a “Fresh Pots!” sort of way. We didn’t even own a coffee maker.

Back in those days, I looked down upon anyone who needed coffee in the morning. The more they required it the less I thought of them. They were weak. Slaves to the bean. Didn’t they know it is a drug they are addicted to? Just stop drinking that shit and then you won’t need it.

Then I had two kids.

Kids wake-up with energy. Kids wake-up with loudness.

Kids wake-up too fucking early.

Mamahelper1
No I will not play with you. Go away. I need coffee.

After coffee:

Mamahelper2
I don’t need it. But they need me to have it.

I’ll stop drinking it just as soon as they stop waking me up before the rooster crows.

(We don’t actually have a rooster. Did you think we did when I wrote that? That would be cool. Maybe I should take this out and let you think we have a rooster.) 

So that is my little helper pick-me-upper in the morning. 

 And then there is the evening.

Sometimes, after an especially rough day, I’m stressed out at night.

Everything sets me on edge. I’m a bundle of nervous thoughts.

Mamahelper3
Go to bed. I can’t handle one more minute of this parenting thing. I have to do this again tomorrow! How can I handle another day like this one? Nobody is listening to me!

But then my husband hands me a glass of wine.

After wine:

Mamahelper4
Again, I don’t need it. But they need me to have it.

So that is my occasional little calm-me-downer in the evening.

Coffee & wine. My unsung parenting tools.

And yours?

 

———————

Blah blah blah, yes alcoholism sucks, blah blah blah, notice I said occasional, blah blah blah, did you know that judgmental people are ugly, blah blah blah. 

Eating entire pints of ice cream is another favorite unsung parenting tool of mine. As is sneaking chocolate. And snorting huge piles of cocaine. 

Just kidding about that last one. 

PS – if you liked this post, then you’ll definately, probably like my new book: Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures

This entry was posted in anxiety, crappy pictures, parenting. Bookmark the permalink.

515 Responses to the uppers & downers of parenting (or, coffee & wine)

  1. Amanda says:

    lol, I love you. You tell it like it is and it’s awesome.

  2. Bria says:

    Amber, you are too funny! I use the same drugs occasionally too. Coffee/Tea more than wine (because I can’t drink wine all day…or at work…or even everyday).

  3. Keri says:

    Um – yes, yes YESSSSS!

  4. Kim says:

    OMG…hubby hands me wine too in the evening…and he has learned to make coffee if I am not up (even though he doesn’t drink it) because he GETS to go to work…

    • Sabrina says:

      Ah ha ha ha….I love it…”he gets to go to work”. I say the same thing! My husband doesn’t find it amusing though!

      • Erin says:

        lol my husband brings me coffee in bed in the morning for the same reason. Make sure wife has uppers so she gets up and feeds the children…. especially if I’ve only managed to carve out a bit of me time after midnight. He knows he’s lucky to have 1.5 hrs a day on the train to read and check out. When I’m on the train I’m trying to make sure the children don’t die….

        • Fleur says:

          Where can I find me a coffee bringing husband, mine gets to go to work and forget us alllll day long. I tried to work though when I got home the kids were still AT me and hubby still sat down to relax (drink beer). Oh and DO NOT start me on “time out for yourself crap”

          • Christi says:

            Mine just bught me a keurig for this exact reason. Instant coffee energy on demand!

          • Rosa says:

            We need to teach the coffe routine to our husbands. Mine makes coffe for HIMSELVE and left me to HOMESCHOOL, feed, take care 3 kids and nurse a baby.

  5. Cora says:

    Hahaha!!! Love the blah blah blah’s at the very end! :) Thanks for always reminding me that parenting is crazy for others not just me. =)

  6. Tiffany says:

    BAHAHAHHAHA, i love how in the first pic, i can actually see bags under your eyes :) Very cute, and oh so true!

  7. Amy from Detroit says:

    LOL Im with you and all the other moms – I need my coffee to get my day started!! And I usually finish off the night with some ice cream :) Good to know all the other moms go thru the same emotions. You capture it very well in your blog! xox

  8. Cassie says:

    That is SO me! I easily drink a pot a day! The wine I keep to glass every week (although it is thoroughly enjoyed). My four loves wear my little butt out!

  9. I’m another one who started drinking coffee for the first time after I became a mom. Somehow I made it through architecture school and its nonstop all-nighters on willpower and orange juice alone, but motherhood is another thing entirely. Problem is, I’m a lightweight. One cup of coffee wakes me up, for sure, but it makes me so hyper that I can’t focus my energy. And if I dare have any, say, after noon, I’m up all night.

    • Deb says:

      ahh, thank you! I thought I was the only one with the muddled thoughts during the day and additional side effect of being up all night! Perhaps I’ll switch to tea when I really need a boost…

      • Cristina says:

        Right there with you ladies. Up allll night. It is also part of my marital contract with my husband that if I have caffeine after noon I warn him so that he can run and hide. I might be a little bit too hyper. Like, the toddler has nothing on me.

        Also, lifeboat tea ftw. So good. So, so good.

    • Sarah T says:

      I hardly ever had caffeine before kids, when I was pregnant with the second one, I switched to every day.

      I can only drink one cup of 1/3 caff coffee. 2 scoops of decaf, 1 of regular for two 12 oz cups, my hubby drinks the other one. More than that and I go crazy.

  10. Jenn says:

    loved the cocaine comment and the rooster!

  11. Love this! Pretty sure I need another cup of coffee this morning :)

  12. michelle says:

    this one made me powerlaugh!

  13. Julie says:

    Hilarious! We all need it! And yes, we all hopefully dont do it everyday. I actually laugh at myself because I buy a bottle of red wine hoping to have a glass twice a week but I forget that I have a two year old that doesn’t allow me to drink liquids unless he can have some. For some reason he has to take my drink every night. People tell me to drink it after they go to bed, truth is, I have to lay down with him to get him to go to bed. We all know that after an hour of him poking me in the eye asking if I am still up…I am not going to be ready for wine! I joke with my husband when he wants to go out to eat(which never happens) I say “yeah we can go out to eat if I can drink first! Cuz then I just dont care, LOL” he says I’m terrible. LOL

  14. Megan says:

    i’m on cup of coffee number two as i read this :) nectar of the gods.

    • rita says:

      Marietta wine cellars has a red wine called nectar of the gods, highly recommended. Now time to pour myself a tall cup of joe so I can try to keep up with my new crawler!

  15. Mummyhaggis says:

    Let’s add a little sugar too- dessert, chocolate, cake and the like. But it’s definitely a runner up.

  16. Kathi Cashion says:

    Coffee with Kahlua in it works well too, as more of an all day thing than separated by day and night standards.

  17. Jill says:

    Aww man, you hit the nail right on the head with this one. I didn’t start drinking coffee until I had kids, either. I don’t do ANYTHING for them until that coffee is consumed, and they know it. I haven’t had the wine though – I’ve been either nursing and/or pregnant for about 4 years now but I can’t WAIT until I get to that point ;)

  18. nina says:

    you are me to a T. if you ever come to Israel we have to get together, for coffee or wine, or to let our kids have a field day at the park.

  19. Heather says:

    I didn’t start drinking coffee until after kid number 2 b/c kid number 1 liked to keep my hours and would snuggle in bed until 9 or 10! I miss those days. Why oh why must our public school start at 7:45. That’s the one and only thing that make me want to homeschool.

    My husband is over seas right now and I have a hard time sleeping when he’s gone. So it’s extra coffee in the morning Tea in the afternoon. Beer or wine with supper to start unwinding and with hubby (and since he’s the normal morning shift person) gone, 1 benadryl after the kids are in bed so I can fight my inner night owl and fall asleep at a decent hour.

  20. heathermama says:

    ugh, i don’t like coffee or wine, BUT i think i might need to do something soon. lol

  21. Jenn says:

    Love the small print.

  22. I TOTALLY thought you had a rooster too when I read that.

    (did you just think I had one, when I said “too”? Hehe)

  23. Angie says:

    @Julie – My brother and SIL handled the “he wants everything I drink” thing by telling him (at 2) there are some things mommies and daddies drink that kids can not drink until they are mommies and daddies. He understood it well enough to not sip their drink. And then when he was old enough to understand he didn’t care to try it. On their anniversary, when he was 10, he took them breakfast in bed — a 12 oz glass of milk for his pregnant mom, and a 12 oz glass of WINE for his dad! “Good morning!” (My brother took a sip so as to not make him feel bad, and then poured the rest back in the bottle when he wasn’t looking. LOL)

  24. Misty says:

    Pretty sure you and I would be besties. LMAO, You are freaking hilarious. And SO RIGHT. I don’t have a downer figured out yet (or at least not while they’re awake, but muscle relaxers which I need for fibromyalgia, are bomb) as I choose to not drink in support of family members struggling with alcoholism. An occasional glass of wine would be perfect though. You’re my favorite.

  25. I look forward to your posts every day :)

  26. Kimberly says:

    Hi. My name is Kim. I’m an addict too.

  27. Angie says:

    I just LOL’d.

  28. Katie says:

    So I’m not a crazy hot mess of emotions… other mom’s are like this?! My worst moments are after the coffee where’s off and my oldest two of four come to join the circus after school and they need help with their homework.. lately, with my 3rd grader, I say mommy’s to dumb to get this wait till dad gets home and ask him…. droooool then wine… ahhhh ;-)

  29. Alana says:

    Coffee and wine, yes, and for all the same reasons. And I love you. Thanks for making me laugh.

  30. Rebecca says:

    “Kids wake-up too fucking early.” Yes, yes they do!! I have to have earl grey tea every morning. I can’t have the wine right now (preggo) but looking forward to adding it back in! Chocolate and ice cream have to suffice in the meantime.

  31. Christy says:

    I was just thinking of adjusting my “meds” during the day. JUST got “the screamer” and “the brat” down for a nap. Can’t decide if I need chocolate to jazz up, or a drink to calm down. Probably too early for a drink, maybe a nap would do it instead. Saving my second cup of coffee for later in the afternoon so I can teach my class tonight. LOVE this post!!

  32. Katie says:

    *wears off* grrr. allergy meds and coffee conteract each other so I’m more dumb than normal

  33. Zak says:

    Team Coffee and Wine.

    Believe that. Oh, and also anxiety meds.

  34. Bess says:

    I wash an Adderall down with my morning coffee. And today that wasn’t even enough to make me alert enough for two little 2 year old roosters, squawking, “MAMA! I WANT CEWEAL!” at 5 a.m. (oh– and I am already looking forward to my five pm glass of whatever). Judgmental people are boring and annoying!

  35. KC says:

    Awesome! So someone else needs wine at night too. Amber you’re fantastic!

  36. Nikita says:

    I actually quit drinking tea a couple years before I got pregnant but once I had my munchkin I was hooked all over again.

    I also require sugar to get me through and I need a drink once in a while but it puts me to sleep even while the munchkin is all hopped up on toddlerhood.

  37. I’m adding the occasional NyQuil to the list. Mine; not the children’s. Although once I gave my daughter Dimetap when she was like, 3 just to get her to sleep for longer than an hour at a time. Which she had been doing for three straight years. She’s 16 now so I can tell you this. The statute of limitations has run out. (PS: they totally took Dimetap off the shelves by the time kids #2 and #3 made their appearance so those children are safe in my care. Except when I haven’t had my coffee yet. Or my wine.)

  38. I think I need to start drinking more. :OP

  39. Aleshia says:

    So, what about us Mormons… ya know, the ones who don’t drink coffee or wine… or swear? Well let me tell you what you do in the case that you’re a Mormon: you eat a LOT of Nutella (there’s something euphoric about it) and did you know that Swiss Miss has a ‘Pick-me-up Breakfast Blend’ which, thankfully, has ‘as much caffeine as a cup of coffee’… OH and it is an ‘excellent source of Calcium’ too. Score!! Even Mormons need their drugs ;P

  40. C&KsMama says:

    This is great! I’m beginning that stage of drinking coffee daily, after totally thinking people were dumb for needing every single morning.. haha!

  41. Allie says:

    The cocaine line had me snorting up my coffee :) Thanks for that!

  42. AnnaPK says:

    After noon I switch from coffee to coke…coca-cola that is. Ha!

  43. Jennifer says:

    I loved you before this post, but I adore you now. Wish you were my neighbor so I could hang with you every evening

  44. Kathy says:

    Hilarious! Just yesterday I found myself at Target with a screaming toddler and whiny baby because I could not go one more day with a broken coffee maker.

  45. Susan says:

    I love your “disclaimer” more than your post, which was aesomely dead on. Long live coffee and wine!!!

  46. lauriethomas says:

    i love this post as much as i love my 2.5 cups of coffee and 1.5 glasses of red wine a day. note: that is almost as much as i love my 3 kids.

  47. Liz says:

    I am allergic to caffeine (gasp!!), so no coffee for me :( Thankfully NOT allergic to alcohol! But as I’m pregnant right now, no wine for me :(

    This is a sad comment day. LOL

  48. Sue O says:

    coffe and wine everyday…….it’s a delicate balance. but then I was worried about have a glass (or two) of wine every night – so I am substituting wine with herbal tea a few nights a week….not quite the same – but easier on the liver.
    Just the other morning my almost 3yr old was bouncing off the wall at 6:30am saying “want to play Buzz and Woody” (he loves toy story) I said “not right now, what mommy REALLY wants it is to finish her (now cold) coffee (which was in the other room). Next thing I know, he hands me my coffee cup…..so sweet….so of course I played Buzz and Woody and sipped my cold coffee.

  49. Amber Dusick says:

    Ah, I was wondering how on earth abstaining mamas handle parenting without my vices. Nutella! lol And I’m going to look into that Swiss Miss thing, thanks.

  50. Lee says:

    Coffee in the morning, and a bong hit at night! (after they’ve gone to bed)

  51. Kara says:

    I have two year old twin boys and I have just started to depend on caffine in the morning. I use it in the form of tea. Even when I was in the Army I only resorted to coffee once or twice. Kids are much more exhausting than the Army!

  52. Anna says:

    LOL @Aleshia. I was just about to post about us Mormon moms who drink neither coffee or wine. Spoonfuls of fudge frosting for breakfast, a pint of ice cream and a spoon to wind down in the evenings, and eating chocolates out of the “good stash” in the pantry with the door shut so you don’t have to share (since the kids don’t appreciate the good stuff, they are happy with the cheap waxy stuff) at regular intervals during the day. We all do what we must to survive.

  53. farmer.eileen@gmail.com says:

    Love this, I do it too. You hit the nail on the head so many times. You must watch Kelly Ripa’s SNL commercial for Tressant Supreme.

  54. Who are these horrible people who read your blog and post hateful comments and send emails? I wish we could reveal who they are, and go on a witch hunt :) I never, ever drank wine daily until I had a child. Now one glass per night is the norm!

  55. mamakate says:

    thank you for the validation. i don’t feel so guilty now!!

  56. Amber Dusick says:

    Are you asking because of my disclaimers? LOL, I don’t get as many since I started using those. They totally work!

  57. Liz says:

    I’m just coffee and anxiety meds.

  58. JustMe. says:

    I recently ran to the store with my kids to pick up just an ingredient or two for a recipe. And of course I added a bottle of inexpensive wine. When I realized I left my wallet at home, I grabbed the $20 I keep in the car, and let the cashier know that if it was just over $20, let me know and I’d have to take something out (but i’d rather not if I don’t have to..). When it was just over, she was like, “What did you want to take out? Not the wine. You need that with kids.” I laughed so hard. I didn’t realize quite how necessary (or common) my glass was.

  59. jes says:

    Agreed- thanks for not taking life too seriously!

  60. Meagan says:

    My two year old saw the second crappy picture above, and after identifying the cup of coffee, automatically deemed you to be me, and kids as himself & big brother.
    Pretty sure we’re in the same boat.

  61. KiwiBunnz says:

    I was stupid and vowed to give up alcohol while I was breastfeeding. Who knew he would last 2 years and still be going strong? He doesn’t really want to, he just doesn’t want me to have any fun. As a friend pointed out however, I would probably do him a favour if I started drinking a little bit and cut down on the coffee and diet coke… but I had one teeny, tiny beer at a Boxing Day BBQ (we are clever and have Christmas in summer) and have felt guilty and like a failure ever since!

    • Lacey says:

      Beer is actually good for breast milk production :P And in moderation, it’s even fine for the little guys. They make strips to test breast milk for alcohol if you’re really worried, but I agree – most of the time it’s just easier to not drink when nursing :( Last month I broke down a couple of times and had itty-bitty grasshoppers (I’d bought the liqueurs for Grasshopper Pie for Christmas, and had non-alcoholic Bailey’s Cream coffee creamer :P). My son’s molars were coming in… and frankly it helped us BOTH get through those times…. And coffee is a daily thing. As a full-time working mom I NEED my coffee.

  62. mamakate says:

    oh, i just wanted to add that when i need a drink the most is while making dinner–while 2 kids are screaming and clinging to my legs, and during bathtime. phew! but, i must say that being a mama is the best thing in the world. the hardest but the bestest! :)

  63. Avital says:

    Ha! Great post. My kids are so well trained, they actually bring me the coffee in the morning!

  64. Jerrie says:

    I survived architecture school on stubbornness and Dr. Pepper. My 2-year old, however, requires me to have coffee. One cup a day. One really, really, BIG cup. As in, I stole my husband’s “Bubba Mug” cup and now consume half a pot of coffee with just one cup. It’s awesome.

  65. KiwiBunnz says:

    Also, my FB status is currently “OMG… I <3 coffee” from before I read this…

  66. Matty's Mama says:

    LOL!!!! My ex husband used to say the same thing about coffee drinkers. “Coffee is for the weak”… until I introduced him to the cafe mocha at Starbucks. I however, have been a self proclaimed, long-time, non recovering caffeine addict! After my son, I now use downers too. BTW- there’s a song by “Ralph’s World” and it goes a little somethin’ like this… “M-O-MM-Y needs C-O-FF-EE, D-A-DD-Y needs C-O-FF-EE…”

  67. Danielle says:

    Love the disclaimer at the end so very much. They are ugly.

    Alyce (who is four) was asking me about good “growing drinks” the other day, as we were distinguishing between important drinks we have everyday (milk and water), and the ones that are treats (juice, chocolate milk). After listing milk and water, she quickly added: “and coffee, you have to have coffee.”

    Exactly.

  68. Erica Reed says:

    Is it since you haven’t had coffee and see things negatively, or am I imagining that you’re starting to draw yourself heavier? Now that I’m done reading this (and those comments) and finishing my coffee, I must go find chocolate. :)

  69. KiwiBunnz says:

    energy drinks? Even badder-ra for you!

  70. misstea says:

    AFA kids waking up too f’ing early… and I’m over people — WITHOUT KIDS — telling me to tell the kids to go back to bed at 5 in the morning. Like I haven’t tried that?!? LOL. Or and here’s a good one, “Just, like, tell them to totally play quietly in their rooms.” Yeah… the quieter they are, the more alert I need to be. :)

  71. Erica says:

    and this is why my husband (who doesn’t drink coffee) makes coffee Every. Single. Morning. without being asked LOL even though he gets up before me. I blame not only the children but the all the stupid people in my life for the occasions when beer is an evening necessity ;)

  72. I actually tried to give up caffeine right around when my kiddo turned two and still wasn’t sleeping through the night (I do NOT recommend this). I stubbornly struggled through a severe brain fog for several weeks until we went on a summer vacation to visit extended family. One morning, I emerged wild-eyed and furious from a night of hell in the oven-like, un-airconditioned upstairs room of my grandparent’s house where I had slept – well, passed the night – with my wakeful toddler. The thought of facing a day filled with pleasant catch-up conversation with friendly relatives made me want to lash out violently. So my husband got me a cup of coffee, and I haven’t looked back.

  73. Amber Dusick says:

    Wow, my PMS bloating comes through even in pictures? LOL

  74. Oops, didn’t mean to put email address as name, must need more coffee!

  75. Sometimes, ya gotta put a little alcohol on it!! I totally feel you. Coffee (sometimes two, three times a day!) gets me through until my nerves get the best of me, and I definitely need a beer, cocktail or a glass of wine so my anxiety doesn’t take over and turn me into Momma-monster. Gotta find the right formula to get you through motherhood, that’s for sure!

  76. Cat York says:

    Right there with ya. xo

  77. Yes i am there with ya for sure, i even sneak chocolate too man i have to in order to have a stinkin piece LOL

  78. Best blog post ever. The things you write could have been written myself. Thanks for the laughter today… The blah, blah, blahs at the end especially! :)

  79. “I don’t need it. But they need me to have it.” ~ that’s gonna be my motto

  80. diana says:

    I could never understand those mothers I’ve seen in some movies, the ones addicted to amphetamines. They were home with the kids all day long. Ok, they did laundry and stuff, but come on… these hollywood writers…

    Fast forward 5 years and one kid:
    How where those pills called, please? :))))

  81. christine says:

    mamakate,I always referred to pre-dinner as the arsenic hour.Had to have something toxic to make it thru.

  82. Nerissa says:

    Have you tried port? That’s my go-to! I don’t like coffee either…chocolate’s always good in the morning ;)

  83. TJ says:

    Sweets, I try to avoid refined sugars though. Caffeine makes me shake/my heart race and I avoid alcohol.

  84. Stephanie says:

    I still don’t drink coffee, I think it’s gross! I do wish I liked it though, the pick me up would be nice.

  85. Annie says:

    This is me too. Didn’t drink it until after kids, addicts are weak. Now. I’m SUCH a better mom after my coffee in the morning. Nicer, more patient, more interested and I keep a damn tidy house too. And the wine is hilarious–I tend to just get cranky and have only dabbled with wine, but now that I read this I think I need to add it to my daily routine. I think bedtime would be way more mellow.

  86. *Laura* says:

    bahaha! my husband has done the same thing. one day i about lost it in the kitchen after dropping a freshly cooked meal all over the floor after a night of a non-sleeping baby and he didn’t even ask, just went over to the coffee maker and started a pot. When it was done he got me a cup and asked me not to go without again :) i even named my blog (mommy needs her coffee) after my need for coffee everyday!

  87. Haha! Same for me! The things we do for our kids….

  88. Heather says:

    One of my favorite playdate moms texted me yesterday to ask me if I wanted Starbucks as she was stopping on her way over to my place. She showed up with a grande latte – she is awesome!! Better than Christmas! (really one of my ‘big’ gifts was tea towels).

  89. Meridith says:

    I pretty much love you. Never a coffee drinker before having a kid, I’ve now totally embraced it. And in the evening I watch enough reality tv to numb even the most manic mind. I’m not proud of it, but there it is.

  90. Kate says:

    I have a 15 month old and I’m pregnant!
    I am not handling life as a recovering addict well at all. I’ve had to substitute those lovely drugs for ice cream, so now I will be tired, but also fat! Hurrah! What I used to do after a really hard day was spoil myself with sushi! And then wine in the bath. Sigh.
    I too was a former caffeine-free smuggy. I’m sorry people!

  91. Tiffany says:

    I drank 32 oz of coffee and consumed basically a small apple pie for breakfast because I realized that it was already manager’s specialed when Hubby brought it home two days ago and it was still on the counter and if I didn’t step in, it would come to a tragic end in the trash can and that is too terrifying to imagine.

    Also, “I don’t need it. But they need me to have it.” Going on the wall. Above the Keurig (which my boy can use to brew my coffee FOR ME ) and beside the wine rack (which is always mysteriously empty no matter how often I buy it presents.)

  92. Heather says:

    I know! I have Moms tell me that – and their kids sit there in their beds and wait!? What freakish kids do you have?
    Though I have givens toddler my iPhone just so I can stay horizontal longer.

  93. Richard P says:

    haha, sneaking chocolate….. ;-)

  94. GrammaROma says:

    well- as a mom of 3 grown kids ( one whom is defying the odds of living at home while in school- who said 19 years was an education??…. and now on to PHD??) and also 5 grandkids- I either drink coffee and wine- or will have to inject chocolate directly into my veins… Although retired- my kids didn’t get that memo- so now I care for 4 of the 5 grandkids…. most daily… and if the coffee and wine weren’t addictive enough- apparently the love of grandkids is even more so…. here’s to long life!!

  95. Sarah says:

    Ha ha, agreed! Chocolate is totally necessary! Sometimes I add chocolate whip cream. And sometimes I’ll drink another cup in the afternoon as a pick me up. Whatever works!

  96. Charlotte says:

    To me it is black tea. I need it to wake up, to keep me going… but I have to stop in the evening and switch to herbal teas, so I can sleep.

    And chocolate. Which doesn’t go well with my low carb diet.

    And cocaine when things are really rough.

    Not really. ;o)

  97. Marlene says:

    I thought maybe you were working on Crappy Kids, Phase 3? Crappy Newborn??? Is there something you’re not telling us? ;)
    (I can only say that because it’s not actually a real PICTURE of you, it’s just you drawing you and you’re probably adding extra lumps and bumps that aren’t really there in real life… Plus, I’ve seen your REAL picture and you’re annoyingly skinny, so it makes me feel good to accuse you of looking pregnant, even though I’m sure you don’t in REAL life. I mean, unless you ARE… Hee hee.)

  98. Amy says:

    Yep, coffee, chocolate, and an occasional glass of wine are 100% necessary. As well as chamomile tea all day long. :P

  99. Jen says:

    You are HILARIOUS! Love your posts!

  100. HaleyStudio says:

    Coffee makes me depressed, and alcohol does bad things to my guts. So I use chocolate and “tension tamer” tea. B-vitamins in the morning also give me that “I can do ANYTHING” feeling. Drugs are good!

  101. Amanda says:

    Sweetie the point WHY the LDS do not drink coffee or teas is because they HAVE caffeine. Your spose to stay away from anything that has mind altering drugs. So yes that means you have to drink caffeine free sodas. Did you know that chocolate has caffeine in it too? You might need to rethink some things. My LDS family members all drink caffeine free sodas.

  102. Jimnutt says:

    The rooster looks at our son and tells him to get the hell back in bed…

  103. Bonnie Layman says:

    Omg, you’re such a coffee addicted alcoholic!! Shame on you…I’m totally kidding!! I’m with ya on that too! It’s too bad that you have to even use those disclaimers. Why do people read if they don’t like what you say? No one makes them go to your blog. Shame on them for being so up tight and potentially dying from a brain aneurysm and leaving their children parent-less. Amber, you crack me up!! I look forward to reading your posts!!

  104. Jill says:

    That is awesome!!! We didn’t own a coffeemaker pre-kids either. Now we can’t function without it! We have a 13 year old and a 4 year old. We drink alot of coffee.

  105. Crystal says:

    I drink coffee in the multiples. As in, a pot a day. :P And this leaves me still remaining so tired that wine would just be irreleveant when she lets me sleep at night. XD Pretty soon I’ll be begging hubby to let me get a 20 pack of Redbulls every week. Wheee!

  106. Melissa S says:

    OMG…how I love this blog. I don’t want to ponder life without coffee & wine. Five kids from age 1-13….ugh…more coffee!!

  107. Ariel says:

    I think you are hilarious and I love reading your blog! I would love it even more though if you didn’t drop f-bombs. (It’s your blog of course, but I wanted to give you my feedback.) Thanks again for all the laughs:)

  108. SarahP says:

    Mmmmmm chocolate! I don’t drink coffee, but my 20 month already knows not only how to say “cup of tea”, but how I like it!

    “Cup! Bag! Water! *I pour the water, but she opens the tea bag and jiggles it in water* Milk!”

  109. Becca says:

    I say you stay at home mothers need to grow up and suck it up. Try getting a real job AND parenting. And just think, I did it all without alcohol…somehow having great kids was enough for me. Ever think it’s not about YOU????????????????????

    • BJ says:

      Of course it’s about us. We are the life support systems for our children. Writing sanctimoniously about how you WORK AND parent WITHOUT alcohol, well bully for you, enjoy being perfect up on your cloud. A happy, relatively sane mama who loves her kids and copes most days with a smile, is imho a woman who has learned to balance her needs with her kids’ needs. I’m sure you do that too so why judge others who do it differently? Doesn’t anyone criticise you for your choices? Cos you have the SAME RIGHT to make those choices without being criticised. Cos, ya know, none of us are perfect. We live on love and hope, doing the hardest, best job in the world. Love my kids. Kept ‘em in spite of everything. I still love coffee to start the day, and a nip of something encouraging to get thru bedtime. Bedtime breath! Hahahah, made myself laugh!!

    • Stefanie Farren says:

      Suck it up? I work more than full time and my ex-husband lives in another country so end of the day…its on me and I could never imagine begin as anal retentive as this post makes you seem. Maybe a glass of wine would do you some good? Get that amazingly large stick out of your ass. I hope you are more relaxed when addressing your children. And honestly…you may want to read that last sentence you wrote and look in the mirror because you made it all about YOU.

  110. Kali says:

    You know what’s the absolute worst? When you already have a toddler then you get pregnant and then you can’t use those nice drugs to mitigate the crazy anymore.

    And naturally you are sooooo fatigued. “Can’t you just go play by yourself for a little while? Mommy just needs to close her eyes for a second or two…”

  111. Heather says:

    LMFAO! You are so funny! I really hope you enjoy writing this blog and hope you start getting paid soon. My kids also get up way to f*$%ing early. Thanks for the laughs.

  112. JEM says:

    Amber, …. I have a mother crush on you, ….sing it like it’s sung baby! I couldn’t have said it any better for myself. (sans wine),… Keep it coming!

  113. Robin says:

    I can’t wait to stop breastfeeding so I can have coffee in the morning! Even if I get “half-caff”, I have a baby that twitches all morning!

  114. Kali says:

    That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?

  115. Becca says:

    Ha. Thought that would happen.

  116. Becca says:

    Truth hurts. This is a generation of self-absorbed, “I need time for me” mothers. Sad.

    • Littlefoot says:

      Haha cause people don’t actually need time to themselves to be alone and think and be a real person without a baby attached to their hip sometimes. Nope. That’s selfish. How could anyone want to have things that make them happy? I say if you’re not giving 24/7, you’re selfish…and dead inside, but who cares about that? Hah. “Did you know that judgmental people are ugly?”

    • Stefanie Farren says:

      LOL, yet you are here and taking the time to be you, a judgmental B. If you can take time to judge everyone else and be a huge B I sure as hell can take time when I get the chance. I just love hypocrisy/stupididty.

  117. Wendy Irene says:

    lol!!!!!!!! “I don’t need it. But they need me to have it.” <– I’m going to crack up about that ALL day!

  118. Beth says:

    I so can’t do the coffee, unless it has LOTS of sugar in it, but energy drinks, those little babies are my helpers. My 3 year old will tell me when I am grouchy, “mommy, do you want me to get you your monster??” LOL

  119. michelle says:

    Well nobody want to be judgemental and ugly :)

  120. Becca says:

    And you’re all “so busy” you have time to blog? Haha. Too funny. Heck, have a drink while you blog!!

    • Stefanie Farren says:

      and yet you are still doing it yourself…..how many posts now? Damn you need a lifeline sweetie cuz you are out in left field. I come here and read the blog and comments because it is sometimes the only mommy feedback I get. I work,cook and clean pretty much 24/7 and just being ale to connect online once in a while and see how others are coping and what idea they may have has been a huge help in my life and I am grateful for so many beautiful and honest mothers that come on here and share the laughs and tears. You sound so spiteful I have to wonder if you hate being a mom. The only thing coming across is resentment. I hope you are ok.

  121. Cassie says:

    I have gotten to the point where coffee no longer has any effect on my tired brain. I find myself with 3-4 cups of coffee in the morning, falling asleep by noon, and wired with my evening glass of Rose Courvousier (the best French red wine infused cognac EVER).

  122. Jana says:

    My husband conditioned our son to “let mommy have her coffee” before either of them really spoke to me in the morning. Just one of the many ways he shows he loves me.

  123. Amber Dusick says:

    I always cringe at the working mom versus stay at home mom “we have it harder” thing. Nobody ever wins this argument.

    PS – Parenting is a real job.

  124. Becky says:

    You are Hilarious. Laugh out loud all the time on this blog.

  125. You can totally have some wine while breastfeeding. In moderation of course…but you totally can.

    http://kellymom.com/health/lifestyle/alcohol.html

  126. Iris says:

    I wish I could but I’m at work. No beer until I get home tonight and put the little ones in bed.

  127. Iris says:

    This is so funny and true! I do rely on coffee in the morning although at night I will pick beer over wine.

  128. cassandra says:

    I’m totally with you on the coffee and wine thing.

  129. Skye says:

    Oh god thank you, kindred spirit. This is one of your funnier posts. ;)

  130. *Laura* says:

    i promise i’m not self-promoting, by the way! i just thought it was funny, how it seems to be a universally accepted truth that moms need something to get us going whether it’s coffee or nutella ;)

  131. Tasha says:

    I just scared the crap out of my nursing baby reading that cocaine disclaimer. I had tears of laughter rolling down my face. This is why I ADORE your blog!!

  132. Holy Crap! First time reading your blog and loved it! I wish more mommies would be this honest! I will be reading often!

  133. *Laura* says:

    i wish there was a like button or a +1 on here! i’ve been both and they’re both equally hard, just for different reasons! and besides, mother does not equal martyr! and also, any mental health professional will tell you that every human being needs “me time”, it’s not just limited to parents!

  134. Victoria L says:

    I could not live without my coffee and wine :) You are hilarious!!

  135. bubbles says:

    So nice to know that other people suffer as I do! Misery loves company right? I only have one child but she has the energy of at least 2maybe even more! I swear if I could bottle and sell that energy id retire early, quit coffee and pay you to write these posts. I’m subscribing immediately to u! :)

  136. maggie K says:

    Yes and YES, coffee and wine!! Absolutely f’ing correct, hit it spot on there!!

  137. Carmela says:

    My unsung parenting tool? The bathroom break. when hubby is home for the evening and has a chance to keep my 3 year old occupied, I pipe up with: “I’m gonna be in the bathroom for a few minutes!” lock the door, turn on the fan, I can sit and read a book or knit a few rows, or surf Facebook on my phone for about 15 – 20 minutes. Sometimes if I really do have to go, I do that as well! Bonus! But a lot of the time, it’s just some solo mommy time to re-group for a bit. Oh yes, lots of times there’s pounding on the door, or little fingers sliding under it: “Mommy? Open the door mommy! I want to come inside too! Mommy?” If it’s really urgent I cut my time short. If not, There’s a bit of back and forth until I’m done my chapter. then a flush to keep up appearances that I was actually in there for authentic bathroom business, wash my hands and I’m back in the game.

  138. Marie says:

    Sweet hot black Irish tea is my panacea

  139. star says:

    soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo TRUE=MY LIFE!mine are 2 & 3 :|

  140. C says:

    My sentiments exactly!

  141. Julie says:

    agreed!!!

  142. Becca says:

    MISERY? Seriously?

  143. Paul says:

    Correction, there is no LDS rule against caffeine. This is a common misconception. Over the decades many LDS families have chosen to go without caffeine, citing it as a logical reason for the rule against coffee and tea, but it is not the rule. I applaud your family going without unnecessary things, but your interpretation of the scriptures, while a laudable choice, is not doctrine.

  144. Sarah says:

    My 20 month old (who, bless his little, um, heart, gets up promptly at 5:00 am), has taken to eying me when I’m exhausted in the morning and saying, “Boffee, Mama?”

  145. Kiza says:

    BWAhahaha!

    It’s always so refreshing that you call it like you see it. I feel like such a crappy mom most days…and then I realize that I’m not alone. :)

    Don’t do coffee or wine here, but Dr Pepper and Nutella often save the day!

  146. Erin says:

    I laughed so hard that my three year old [who insists on sitting in my lap ‘to checking the facebook’ with me] started laughing hysterically as well. This is my EXACT feelings on both Coffee and Wine. I never drank anything but green tea before kids [and water, and yoo-hoos. but I digress], and now I CANNOT FUNCTION without my morning upper and my evening downer [although I do try to limit the wine to one glass, it depends entirely on how easy bedtime is and how much of a disaster the house is in afterward]. I absolutely LOVE ‘crappy pictures’. The best thing ever.

  147. Erin says:

    Yep, both my three year old and 19 month old take turns bugging me ‘Drinking the coffee, Mama?’ for the duration of the entire cup.

  148. Sarah says:

    Lol i dont drink coffee but i do have red bull for breakfast…

  149. Jen H says:

    We had a rooster when we lived in a duplex 2 years ago. My Kurdish neighbor who spoke very little English knocked on my door, and took my hand, leading me out to my side of the backyard (the yard was fenced in on all sides and down the middle). She was a sweet older lady who was a few years older than my mom. She pointed to four hens and a rooster who were pecking around in my yard and asked,”ok? No problem?” So awesome. They roamed around my yard for about 6-8 weeks before she knocked on my door again, this time with a plate of freshly butchered chicken meat.

  150. Joy C says:

    Oh, that’s hilarious

  151. Jen H says:

    By the way, that particular rooster liked to crow at completely inappropriate times of day, like 3 pm and 3 am

  152. Cheryl Flora says:

    I love your blog. You are hilarious. Your take on parenting is awesome. If I am allowed one little criticism though….I wish you would omit the bad language. Just my opinion….

  153. casey says:

    Here, here! People who don’t take themselves too seriously are awesome…just like this blog. Has me laughing with every post!

  154. Vickie says:

    I was never a morning person pre -kids and now like you say they are at an age where they jump out of bed and despite me reminding them that they NEED to be QUIET in the Morning they never listen, sigh. So alas mummy cant play until she has had 2 CUPS of COFFEE. Now go away and play little ones …just this morning i get woken up because Mr 5 wants to pee and daddy was doing number 2, (and somehow our ensuite loo door was locked ? With no one in there ,(which was weird ) and he would usually use that one if the main loo was preoccupied… Why cant i get to sleep in, or have a nap or not get woken up anymore.. ho hum

  155. Becca says:

    There is no argument. When you get up in the morning (for your 3-4 cups of coffee), and happen to have a sick child, what do you do? You stay at home with that sick child, no questions asked, no issues, nobody to answer to. What does a working mother do? Panic, because she may or may not find a sitter, she may or may not keep her job, she may or may not be able to take her own child to the doctor. You tell me–which sounds more stressful? And a working mother’s evenings? Housework that she couldn’t do during the day, dinner, dishes, laundry, homework, baths, some attempted one-on-one time with her children, maybe a few minutes with her husband to catch up on the day. Any reasonably sane person cannot by any measure compare that day with the day of a stay-at-home mother. It would be nice, maybe once in a while, to hear a stay at home mother actually sound like she appreciated her good fortune instead of whining about how her kids stress her out. And yes, Amber, parenting is a real job. I did that plus worked outside the home, without gallons of coffee or alcohol. It’s called being a grown up.

    • BJ says:

      And yes, Becca, being a grown up and knowing how to be superior as a parent, worker, person, mother, wife and blog-commenter has made you so accepting, compassionate and supportive. Grownup? I call it unhelpful. Does your life make you feel superior to other people because you think you have it harder? Does your partner do 50% of the ‘stressful evening housework’? Maybe you need to forget the housework and remember what your children look like when they get more than ‘attempted one-on-one’ time. Maybe they deserve a life where mum’s timetable includes a little more ‘them’ and a little less ‘MyHardLife’ comes first. A little domestic chaos is a small price for some time when the kids get to come first, hmm?

    • Becky says:

      Hey Becca- What crawled up your ass and died. I have soooo many things I want to say to you but first bummer for your kids that they have someone other than their mother kissing their boo-boos, and reading them stories and loving on them all day. Jealous much? Do your kids call their sitter mommy? Suck it up. You made your bed now lie in it!

  156. June says:

    I can’t stress this enough – EAR PLUGS!!! It’s not like you suddenly can’t hear them, it’s more like you’ve just turned the volume down a little bit. Loud noises make me tense and edgy (in a bad way, not a cool way), so they are a total sanity saver in my house.

  157. Crystal says:

    Me too! No one believes me when I say I’m allergic, so I just say I can’t have it. I can handle most teas because it has a different, slower caffeine. But, by the end of the day, I’m exhausted and need a beer! Not drinking wine when pregnant was tough, but now that I’m done having kids, I have a beer each night after the girls go to bed.

  158. Sherylm says:

    Just to let you know (so you’d don’t rush out and buy one ;-)) having a rooster live in your vicinity is not much fun…roosters wake up even earlier than the kids do. The crowing at dawn stuff is a myth unless dawn comes at 4:30 a.m. in your part of the world. Sad but true… ;-p

  159. Dee says:

    When I was seven months pregnant and desperately needed coffee, my doctor told me that coffee is sometimes necessary and the lesser of the evils. Now that my kid is walking, I need coffee with a lot of sugar AND chocolate. Sigh..

  160. COFFEE! I was kind of addicted during my pregnancy and mommy is an altogether happier person once her blood stream has been replaced by caffinated goodness.

    My other is painting my nails after the kidlet goes to bed. Last night was glitterific! The previous set was tiger stripes. It amuses me so. :)

  161. Sarah says:

    I’m sorry you were so unhappy as a working mother. Your life must have been rough for you to have become such a bitter person. I’m not a SAHM so I can’t tell you how easy I have it or speak to my good fortune but your comments stink of negativity and unhappiness. Take care of yourself.

  162. Soleena says:

    recently given the ultimatum: baby who naps better… or my morning coffee. still standing here staring at the cup in hand. does he really NEED to nap better? really?

  163. rosak9a says:

    Exceptional post, as usual! And ohmygoodness thank you for sharing the FRESH POTS! link, an exclamation which I will now probably yell every morning. And midafternoon. Anytime really, right up until I switch to yelling “FULL GLASS!” in the evening.

  164. jessica says:

    How did you get into my house?

  165. Moo says:

    I’m not a parent, but I WORK all day with kids…mine NEED me to have caffeine, Prozac, and Ritalin. And I love them so much that I do it for them, I make that sacrifice!!

  166. Becca says:

    Ha. You’re too funny, but thanks. My life has been wonderful and my children — raised by a “bitter” working mother — are now amazing adults, productive college graduates and functioning members of society. What “stinks of negativity and unhappiness” are these women on here complaining about their children. Ear plugs to drown our the sound of their voices? Wine to dull the pain of it all? Seriously?

  167. Rebecca says:

    Story of my life! I just use Sweet Tea usually more than coffee…

  168. Sarah says:

    Why DO kids getting up sooooo early! I mean even if you keep them up later with the hope of even 15 extra mins before the breakfast requests, which never change for me mind you, begin! You always make me smile and I tell everyone, even my single guy friends, to read your blog and they love it! Maybe I need to try coffee….have to buy a new coffee maker though as ours is holding up a shelf in our cabinet….

  169. Becca says:

    Also, Sarah, dear, there is a decided difference between “stress” and “unhappiness.” Look it up.

  170. mappermom1@yahoo.com says:

    I encourage everyone to go to the Fresh Pots link. This all really happened. Dave Grohl is a super talented musician, hilarious person and awesome dad. I love him. Amber, are you a Foo fan?

  171. ruszcz says:

    Wow, thank you, I really needed this one today, I’m still breast feeding htough and only recently started having decaf…even if it doesn’t do much, I like the placebo effect. Chocolate certainly helps too, especially in mousse form.

  172. mappermom1@yahoo.com says:

    Dave Grohl is hilarious. I love him!

  173. fiona says:

    just dont let the rooster get into the coke because you will be up even earlier…..ha ha ha….(sleep deprived humour) ….

  174. Sarah says:

    are you serious? unless you drink enough to kill yourself, drinking while breastfeeding does not affect the baby… it may affect your head the next morning but the child will be fine…

  175. Sarah says:

    Oddly I gave up caffeine when I had my baby, just about 2 years ago. Yes, I was a hardcore coffee junkie & stayed on it about 4 months after the birth…but I discovered that it was actually easier to deal with the early risings if my head was not in a fog from caffeine withdrawal…now if I have it I’m up all night! Also very glad to hear I’m not the only one with a glass of wine in my hand while the little one eats her dinner….

  176. Ha! Yeah, that’s pretty much how it happened with us too. Almost exactly. Weird. It’s actually to the point where I WORK at a coffee shop now.

  177. Alex says:

    You are effing brilliant. I used to judge coffee drinkers, too…big time. Then after the birth of my second, you would think I bought stock from Juan Valdez (no, not being racist…he was the coffee GOD of the 80s, and rode donkeys in the mountains – v. cool guy). Then I had my third…and ‘double-shot’ became part of my daily vernacular. I just found out today that I’m “with child” for the 4th time (others are 4, 2, 11 months), and wondering if Starbucks offers a venti espresso. Kidding…(but only if you’re offended).

  178. Suzanne says:

    I love this post, especially seeing I had three hours sleep last night and I am reading this sucking down a coffee.

  179. Karen says:

    Hahaha I read that as “Have you tried pot!” LOL!!!

  180. Janet says:

    It is a truth universally acknowledged that a mother in possession of young children must be in want of a coffee. (With sincere apologies to Jane Austen…)

    My daughter’s first “sentence” at age 21 months (the sort you record in their baby books for posterity) was “Anna want coffee!” since she had obviously seen it work its magical powers on Mummy.

  181. Addie says:

    Hahaha…”So nice to see them play together.” I love your blog. Thanks…don’t let your kids grow up.

  182. Julie says:

    Rebecca: ME TOO!!! When my husband forgets to make a new pitcher of tea, there’s a giant ruckus. I wake up, go to the fridge and… “Where’s my TEA?! THERE’S NO TEA! GO. TO. CHICK. FIL. A. NOW!!” Since the baby is now getting up at 5 or so, we have two pitchers in the fridge. : )

  183. Meghan says:

    I already loved you, but then you reference the Dave Grohl Fresh Pots video and now I love you more, lol!
    I really should take up coffee and wine, neither of which I like. But really, all I have is Dr Pepper and chocolate, and it’s just not enough.

  184. Bobbie says:

    It is totally ok and here’s why. There is only ever as much alcohol in your milk as there is currently in your blood. So if you have a drink or even 2 immediately after feeding by the time you need to feed again your body will have processed it and there won’t be any in your milk. And unless you’ve gone out for a bender, gotten drunk and missed a feed there’s no need to pump and dump either. :) Hope this makes you feel better.

  185. Angela says:

    Hahahaha, I was thinking that too, this mormon has OJ for her “Coffee” substitute and Walking the dog in the evening when the hubby comes home is my “Wine” substitute. Although, on really tough days, there’s always the hidden chocolate stash ;)

  186. nicola says:

    You have made my new year’s resolution that much harder to keep! Six days of no coffee or wine… my resolve was weakening this morning… and then I read this. I’m screwed, all I can think about now is cooooo-feeeeeee.

  187. I wish my husband would hand me a glass of wine. THat would be magical. As is stands he doesn’t understand the appeal of either the coffee or the wine, which is sad for me. Sometimes he tries to get me to drink a beer in the evening. He doesn’t understand that if it doesn’t come with something from the grill and summer, that the beer is not working for me.

  188. I am right there with you!!! Coffee and wine are essential! When my husband and I were living in Kenya some years back (we now live in NY), our housekeeper asked me if I ever drank water :) Said that if you have a mailing address I would be happy to send you my favourite morning pick-me-up! Kenyan Coffee is the best!

  189. “Blah blah blah, yes alcoholism sucks, blah blah blah, notice I said occassional, blah blah blah, did you know that judmental people are ugly, blah blah blah. ”

    I love you for this line alone. Much less the rest of this fantastic post.

    Here’s a dirty secret. I drink caffeine when I’m pregnant too. Because my energy needs don’t mysteriously go down with two kids under 5 just because I’m incubating another human to drain the life outta me. I don’t mainline the stuff (only because I haven’t figured out how to give myself an IV) but I do enjoy two doses of caffeine a day when I’m dead to the world tired. Shhhhhhhhh.

    I abstain from the occasional glass of wine when pregnant though. (Because my husband is a hater.)

  190. sarah says:

    wow other sarah, drinking DOES affect the baby. the alcohol goes into the breast milk. kiwi is making a good decision not to drink alcohol while breastfeeding.

  191. Marcelle says:

    I bought my first coffee pot shortly after the birth of my second child. Throw in a third kid and a couple of deployments….well….glad to see I’m not the only one!

  192. sarah says:

    becca. i provide for my daughter WHILE staying at home. ON MY OWN without any man. I don’t judge amber though and I don’t judge other women who like to drink coffee or have a glass of wine. I personally don’t drink either but that is my choice.
    move on. if you don’t want to read these cute little stories then move on, that’s what a grown up would really do.
    And it is better to stay with your children especially when they are so young. That’s what a mother’s job is. Yes not everyone has a husband or baby’s father that will work and help support the family so some women need to work and find a cheap sitter. But you need to stop judging the women that do stay home with their children. You say that you know what it’s like to stay home with them but I guess you really don’t know what it’s like because you say it’s so much easier than having a job. If you hate your job so much then figure out a way to provide for your children while staying at home taking care of them. If they are already school aged then obviously thats why its easy to take care of them because they aren’t there.

  193. Joy says:

    Amen. I have nothing else I can say but Amen.

  194. babustoys mama says:

    hell, I needed them before my kid came around!

  195. sarah says:

    also so i’m not confusing you becca this long rant above is not from the same sarah that replied to you earlier. this is Sarah S.

  196. sarah says:

    I don’t drink alcohol or caffeinated stuff. I gave up both for health reasons before pregnancy, plus I breastfeed and also caffeine makes me jittery and I have trouble sleeping so it’s a no go for me. BUT I do love chocolate and ice cream. When my days are stressful or frustrating I grab a bowl of ice cream or some chocolate. Or I escape to the bathroom for just a couple minutes for a few deep breaths then back to my little one who is 15 months old. When I get a chance to shower and my baby is in her play yard watching a video that is my only break in the day. too bad there’s no ice cream dispenser in my shower. That would be awesome.

  197. thank you! All three of my kids know how to turn on the Keurig. The return to caffeinated coffee after each child was weaned was celebrated like the second coming in this house.

  198. ipitt@aol.com says:

    Don’t get a rooster. Seriously. Those f###ers can’t tell the time. Our neighbour’s one crows at midnight, and then at random times throughout the night. Not funny when your 4 yr old says, “but it MUST be morning, the rooster woke me up” for the eleventy-billionth time.

  199. mippitt says:

    hey, dude my e-mail is showing with my comment? can you sort that please?

  200. Jill says:

    hahahahahahah….hilariousness as usual!

  201. Gah. I had a comment but it looks like it deleted while the blog was logging me in. Here it is again…

    I almost missed the part about the ice cream. That is so me. I can’t even buy the stuff because I de-stress eat a carton of it in a few days time.

  202. I don’t have kids but I love your blog. I got through an MBA and a stressful job on diet coke and coffee. I time my working day to start an hour after my first coffee otherwise I am a hideous pile of babbling nonsense. Keep up the good work Amber

  203. Breezy says:

    THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST! so unbelievably true. and then when you’ve had a little too much of the calm-me-downer juice at night, you can freeze those circle teething rings and put them over your eyes!

  204. Mine is a Route 44 Dr.Pepper from Sonic, ahhhh.

    You. Are. Awesome.

  205. A good Dr.pepper gets/got me through teaching, two small children and grad school at the same time.

  206. Melly says:

    I do like a glass of ‘Mummy’s little helper’ some evenings too. I have Chickens, not roosters :)
    Love your Work!

  207. Karen says:

    Coffee….check.
    Wine…..check.
    Brain Candy TV….check.
    Sneaking chocolate…check.
    Occasional quickie with husband in the bathroom with the door shut (and locked)….check.

  208. mamae says:

    Coffeeee, aaah yesss pleeease…! No wine for me tho. However I am so much more patient and willing to play mega blocks for an hour after sneaking a little magic dragon puff out the kitchen window.

  209. Addie says:

    Wow. Unnecessary. As Amber said, there is no winning this argument. If we were all able to try it for a year, maybe, on both sides…with a child at every stage…then maybe we’d have a rounded perspective. We all make our own choices in life and deal with our own circumstances. Being honest about the job of parenting is a step forward. Pretending it’s all roses and smiles (I love being a parent 24/7!) is not only dishonest, but doesn’t make you any more appreciative of your kids. We all love our kids. But parenting is tough. A little camaraderie and empathy go a long way. We’re all in this together, Becca. Don’t be a playa hater.

  210. bcIMthemommy says:

    I wanna know what’s wrong with cocaine and roosters???

  211. Amber Dusick says:

    Putting them together in a sentence like that does sound fun!

  212. Camille says:

    Hahah, I feel ya. I drink coffee every morning.. and afternoon. I wish alcohol made me relax but for some reason every time I drink since I had kids, I get completely drunk after 1 drink, and pass out after 2. So no more drinking for me lol.

  213. It’s 4:30p here on the West Coast and I am enjoying a cup of coffee with a scoop of ice cream therein. 2 weeks ago, I started a Candidia Cleanse in which both coffee and wine were verboten. The author of said cleanse obviously has no children.

    I must say my favorite part is the tag at the end… Especially “judgemental people are ugly!”

  214. Maria says:

    I need and love coffee.I need at least four good cups a day. I work at a private school (K-8) therefore I am never free of kids…even worse! I can’t smack those kids when they get on my last nerve. I am frazzled to heck when I get home and I warn my twin kindergarten girls that I need some time to drink my coffee and de-stress of I might have to spank them just for the kicks and jolly of things. Yes, they leave me alone as I might have that CRAZY MOM look in my eyes. I can manage dinner, homework and any chores that need completing until “Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home!” is screamed at the top of their lungs. This is when they somehow can no longer hear mom nor see mom and totally act up. You would think these girls were brought up by a bunch of monkeys! I grab another cup of coffee and head into my computer room where I try to ignore the destruction on my house. I come out to serve dinner, wash the dishes and retreat when the animals have all fed. I swear if I had wine I’d be a happy drunk because I don’t think I would stop at one glass–hence, I don’t hit the wine. Lol.

  215. :) ya, it was your funny disclaimers at the bottom. I’m glad you’re not harassed as much now!

  216. Tara Naylor says:

    Kids do wake up WAY to Fucking early! Thanks for keeping it real!

  217. Angela Garrison says:

    Yet again, she tells it like it is folks!!! I wish I liked coffee and wine. A big no to both for me. My substitutes are a coke at about 10am and just banging my head against the wall in the evening. Although a good really cold beer does hit the spot every now and then. Not to mention a shot of tequilla!

  218. Monica says:

    Does Dora count as a drug?

    Dear wine and coffee,
    We WILL be reunited as soon as I have this baby.
    Love, monica

  219. Rae says:

    LOL. My husband is currently enjoying (?) 33 days of sobriety after having completed an inpatient rehab program. So, I don’t drink anymore in the evenings. I’m not quite sure how to survive. ;)

  220. Sadie Drake says:

    I heart coffee and wine. I have twin 2 year old boys. Yup.

  221. Alison says:

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: vodka makes me a better parent. A cocktail at dinner/bath/bedtime hour turns me from a bitter/stressed mom to a fun-loving giggling relaxed mom. My kids LOVE me after a cocktail.

  222. Samantha says:

    priceless, i love it. I cant drink wine but i can sooooo relate to the coffee – i have 3 kids & 5 dogs!!!!

  223. twisterfish says:

    Are we the same person?

  224. Mercy says:

    Yes, coffee is what keeps me going. And I get vodka or rum instead of wine, but I’m trying to keep it to weekends only – gotta lose the baby weight somehow so must cut down on calories and increase exercise – um..right.

  225. Sapphyre_au says:

    Finally managed to give up the evening bong hit after DD turned 7. We used to joke that all parents of young children should receive valium or joints in the mail from the government so they could wind down.

    And Tea in the morning (and the afternoon). No matter how much caffeine I need, I can’t stand coffee. I am proud to say I’ve cut down to 4 teas a day now.

    It does get better when the kids get older… although I don’t have teens yet, so no comment on that period!

  226. Valerie says:

    Yes, children made me go back to coffee. I am also one of those moms who has switched to box wine. Hehe, can have a small glass, still nursing, and a few days later another one and it’s still good. Hey, I’m a mom, I need to be economical!! Love your posts!!

  227. Julie says:

    CHEERS! And CHEERS to my barista!

  228. Jacqui says:

    Awesome.

    I’m coffee and even more coffee later. Obviously my children are monsters. Perhaps this also explains why I both start and end my days worrying about the countless ways they will either be hurt or damage something….or worse THE MESS…oh the mess.

  229. emily says:

    Kids DO wake up too fucking early. Some days, I wish they had a snooze button. Thank God for coffee though!! Thanks for the laugh!!!

  230. teachermommy3x says:

    We call it “self medicating” in our house. I’m a total caffeine lightweight in general (very sensitive) but now self medicate with coffee or tea in the morning. Half a cup of whatever, before noon (so I can still sleep at night.) The caffeine is to give me energy (keep eyes actually open.) Then I self medicate with chocolate for mood (don’t kill anyone) throughout the day. Same affect as you. “What are you doing?!” changes to “Show me what you’re working on.” My husband, who does the morning drill with the kids while I run to work, self medicates with caffeine in the morning and beer each night. He howled at your blog when I showed it to him. I actually bought him a mug for xmas that reads, “Daddy need sleep” on one side and “but he’ll settle for coffee” on the other.

  231. Victoria says:

    ‘m teaching my 18 month old how to operate the Keurig. He can help me put the mug in (I’m just afraid he’ll drop it), open the machine, put the pod in, close the machine, and press the brew button. I have visions of lounging on the sofa some future day asking him to fetch me my coffee, of course, in my vision, I have my feed up and he docilely obeys me which should probably hint to me about the likelihood of it coming true, but hey – a gal can dream.

  232. Amanda says:

    I also wondered if crappy baby #3 was on the way! glad i’m not the only one noticing ;)

  233. Jennie says:

    Hehe. I taught my son to tell time by the age of 4. He wasn’t allowed out of his room except to go to the bathroom until 6-0-0 in the morning.

    He learned to play quietly by himself or read to himself.

    This backfired, though… I didn’t think it through to it’s logical conclusion.

    “Okay buddy… time for bed!”
    “But it’s not time yet. It’s not 7-0-0!”
    “Yes, but you’re going to bed a little early today… Mummy’s tired!”

    Oh well… at least I’m not having to get up at 5am! :-)

  234. kal says:

    there was a really bad patch mid-year for morons with no sense of humour posting comments (pet annoyance, and laughing before and after kids spring to mind). i’m glad you’ve stuck with the disclaimers, as well as the FAQ list on the website… and you thought nobody would read it!

  235. Amazon says:

    Obviously what you need is a chocolate martini!

  236. darwinsgirl says:

    Love, love, love this post!

  237. Windy says:

    I don’t drink coffee, but I drink Diet dr. Pepper…First.thing.in.the.morning…. It IS my coffee. MY kids need me to have it.

  238. Kimberly says:

    LOVE it! Coffee is my “I can’t get through the rest of the day without this 2pm” necessity. And YES to the wine. And in the morning, tea…but now that baby girl is getting bigger (and will soon start chasing little boy) I think I am going to need morning coffee as well.

    As for sneaking chocolate? oh my goodness…I thought I was the only one!!

  239. Kimberly says:

    I am totally agreeing with the other ladies about it being okay to drink while bf. It IS true that there is only as much alcohol in your breast milk as there is in your body. So one glass after a feeding and you will be perfectly sober for the next feeding.

  240. bethany says:

    lol @ 12 ounce glass of wine. That’s a great way to start the day.

  241. Erin says:

    I agree with Sarah. I even had a glass a day [4 oz] the last four weeks of my pregnancy to calm braxton-hicks. One glass a day. Nurse and carry baby as usual. Red is better than white.

  242. jae says:

    I’m on day two of no caffeine (health reasons) and….and…(does anyone have a tissue??). Let’s just say that your blog is one of the few things keeping me going, so keep it up! (No pressure ;)

  243. jer says:

    She never said drinking wine all day.

  244. Erin says:

    That is AWESOME! Hey, that’s what chickens are for, right?

  245. KTD says:

    Yes…Coffee at 5am, coffee at 7am, coffee at 10am…you get the picture. No wine, though. I switch over to tea around 8pm. If I drank as much water as I do coffee, I bet I’d feel pretty good :) Hmmm…Must find caffeinated water!

  246. *Laura* says:

    It strikes me as odd that someone who so strongly disapproves of stay at home parents would even want to read a blog written by a stay at home mom. Also, maybe it’s been a while since you had small children, but they do take naps and most SAHM’s I know like to use that opportunity to take a break for a second before cracking into the housework and such. There’s nothing shameful about admitting that our kids drive us crazy sometimes and there’s no way anyone could ever truthfully say that their kids have never gotten on their nerves at all, unless they never see their kids. This is supposed to be a positive place for parents to visit and feel uplifted for a second with humor…this doesn’t strike me as the place to troll around looking for people you don’t like. If you don’t like the people here, just leave! It’s pretty simple. Just go do something else, if all of us SAHM’s irritate you that badly…like look at working mothers’ blogs instead. I think that crowd would suit you better. And for the record, I am a SAHM who really has had a career outside of my home, and I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to come home and yes, I love being here and it truly is a wonderful feeling to get to be around my kids. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t carry its own stresses.

  247. Gretchen says:

    This was the best, and oh , how I relate! And am glad you added the bit about chocolate, because that is vital. My own little blog is titled “Chocolate, Tea, and Naps” (I can’t drink coffee any more*sob*) and I used that name because that is exactly what gets me through the day. (Before anyone wonders *how* I manage to get naps, I have two teens as well as a nearly 5 and nearly 10 year old.) the title nearly had “wine” in it, because that too is essential, but I didn’t want my mother to freak out, lol!

  248. Kitty Bo says:

    Mine was a big, red organic delicious apple that I’d bought at Whole Foods, and when the 3 were down for a nap, I would reline in the lounge chair outside and slowly and methodically eat my apple. Mine, all mine that I didn’t have to share with inquiring, hungry little eyes. My precious that I looked forward to every day. Other times, while I was making supper, I would get dark frozen cherries out of the freezer, and huddle over them while I chopped veggies and secretly pop them into my mouth. I needed them so my I would have stable blood sugar so I could make supper.

  249. shauna says:

    Love! Thanks, as always.

  250. Mandy says:

    I know you don’t write your blog for me, but I have thoroughly enjoyed it. I was happy to come across someone that had such an entertaining way to present the funny/frustrating/worthwhile moments that we moms have every day. I thoroughly enjoyed it until the F-bomb and other choice words gave me pause. Can funny come without crass? Like I said, I know you don’t write for me, but I hope you stick around, and I’m guessing I’m not the only mom that appreciates the “cleaner” humor you started out with. Thanks for the laughs.

  251. Candy says:

    I LOVE your blog and relate to all of your posts so well. I have turned so many friends on to your blog. As a mother of young children…I am super sensitive to the profanity. I really enjoy reading your stuff but get turned off by the f*** stuff. Just my humble opinion.
    Thank you for offering something so real to read.

  252. Brandy says:

    LOL! Yes! This speaks to me. :)

  253. Candy says:

    I didn’t see your post before I posted
    my comment… I totally agree with you!

  254. Tor-REE says:

    Amber, Your blog is one of my parenting pick-me-ups.
    Your honest posts massage away the perfection seeking tension.

  255. Tor-REE says:

    I love the cussing, it’s a personal preference.
    I am much more interested in the meaning of a word than it’s history as being a “bad” word. I recently read about the origin of the words “bitch” and “cunt”, they were lovingly used to describe not just women, but goddesses. I enjoy the little jolt that the bad image these words can bring to a conversation and I like to keep on my toes thinking for myself, not just what the masses have decided. I don’t worry when my son says “this is fucking awesome”, I do want to address something like “you’re stupid”.
    Being offended by cussing seems like a waste of time. Be offended that people are starving, that children are bullied, that bad shit is happening. Cussing isn’t one of them.

  256. I know that drill. And then when the kids are all out of the nest, you say, “I just drank all that coffee and wine because THEY needed me to have it.” But you keep doing it, because by after so long you have passed the point of no return.

  257. Sally says:

    This blog is one of my favorite parenting tools! There’s nothing like laughter that calms my nerves and makes me feel sane again. Thanks for the laugh!

  258. Sally says:

    p.s. And nobody cusses with more grace and style than you do! I don’t personally swear myself, but I secretly love it when you throw in an f-bomb for dramatic effects.

  259. Raizy says:

    I’m breastfeeding and drink an occasional beer, I actually find it ungraded my milk! Don’t feel guilty, enjoy!

  260. Raizy says:

    Hahaha!

  261. Maria says:

    Dear Amber I wish you would post some crappy thoughts about people who compare their child to yours. They go like “oh my gosh your daughter is 5 months old and doesn’t walk yet? Mine is climbing up the Everest now…and she’s only a week ahead of your daughter!”

  262. Sally Oakley says:

    The disclaimer you wrote for this post was particularly beautiful, I thought. :-)

  263. Raizy says:

    This post was exactly what I this morning. I
    basically stopped drinking coffee when I was pregnant, but between recently moving and my 4.5 month old screaming for an hour straight last night, I bede this cup! Thanks for your awesome blog! I absolutely love it!

  264. Leah says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me to not feel guilty about my little vices. I thought I was the only one. God bless you and your crappy little family.

  265. Lorraine says:

    which one of those was you, Kathy? Screaming toddler, or whiny baby? ;-)

  266. Cathrine says:

    Love, love, love it! I’m a coffee and wine gal too! With 2 young boys, I use the coffee to wind up and the wine to mellow out. But I must admit, reading this while having my coffee this morning gave me a little extra boost! Thanks!

  267. Jewel says:

    I just discovered this wonderful place a few days ago. Thank you Amber, for reminding me why after 21 years of raising my own children, I’m enjoying the chaos of raising my granddaughter. ( And why my coffee habit has increased from 1 cuppa to 4, LOL.)

  268. Jewel says:

    Exactly!

  269. sarah vine says:

    I’m in Israel! let’s have a Crappy Mama’s in Israel get-together…. =0)

  270. Sarah says:

    Yep. Coffee and wine. When will they start making caffienated wine? I guess that would be too much all at once.

    I can’t wait until my kids (now 4.5 and 2) are old enough to bring me my coffee. A girl can dream.

    Until then… bottoms up! :)

  271. Michelle says:

    I drink a pot of coffee a day…just sayin’ :)

  272. Sarah Vine says:

    Bubbles- ignore the comment from Becca, she’s been posting numerous negative comments here. It’s a stress releasing hobby, to feel superior to other people, not personal! Most of us have a great sense of humor! =0) Have a lovely day. x

  273. Sarah Vine says:

    TOTALLY with you on that one! =0)

  274. Katie says:

    Clearly I need coffee rather than tea in the morning to wake me up, so I go into fabbo energetic parent mode rather than just about functioning mode.

    All you non-drinkers while pregnant might be interested to know something I didn’t discover until after three TT pregnancies. The studies showed the best brain function etc in babies from the 1-10 units per week group not the 0 units per week group. The odd drink whilst breast-feeding won’t hurt your child either. Nor did air stewardesses on long haul flights putting a teaspoon of vodka in the babies’ bottles when they took them to warm them, just gave everyone a better flight, shame that practice has stopped!

  275. Katie says:

    My eldest (13) has for many years responded to my non functioning moments with “Mummy shall I make you a cup of tea?” It’s a great moment when you realize they’re old enough to do these things, hang on in there!

  276. Katie says:

    Yes, and I’m afraid I struggle with blasphemy as well as the running others down

  277. Katie says:

    They’re an acquired taste, when you NEED them enough you will acquire them! Sometimes I use camomile tea as a de-stresser because (despite my teenager’s cry of “it’s 5 O’clock somewhere”) I do feel the sun should be over the yard arm before starting on the alcohol and my kids can wind me up a long time before that

  278. Stephanie K. says:

    Believe it or not, I actually do have a rooster. And I assure you, esp. in summer, my kids are up before he crows. I felt the same about coffee…I hated when people said, “Oh, I just need my cooooffffeeee”, all dependent and pathetic. Now I’m reading this, sipping my coffee, while my kids watch Spiderman. Ditto on the wine. I just thought: what a GREAT shower gift: a bag of coffee beans and a bottle of wine!! Haha.

  279. Andrea says:

    Holy crap… I was JUST thinking this morning, “I am a much better parent when I’ve had caffeine!!!” :)

  280. Lara says:

    LOL! If I didn’t have coffee I would totally be resorting to this!! More power to you!

  281. Nicole says:

    Yup, chugging my 20oz bubba mug full of coffee while reading this. (some usually comes out my nose due to laughing, so I don’t really drink ALL 20oz) Just started on the wine at night thing, but I have noticed it calms me down too, plus lets me sleep through that 3am wake up to my brain over thinking everything going on lately. Ahh..so nice to be part of a group. haha!

  282. Bronwyn says:

    I’ll admit to tea in the morning, thought I have recently given most of that up as it turns out that my iron pills are my “precious” (JR Tolkien reference) now… but I have yet to move on to wine. Hmmmm…tough I did notice that my hubby finished off the bottle of Bailey’s last night. Has he been holding out on me? Have you all been holding out on me?

  283. Amanda says:

    Love this. I’ve had no where near enough coffee and wine lately!

  284. Beth says:

    You’re hilarious. I look forward to reading your posts. They make me laugh and breath a little easier.

  285. Stylin_Momma says:

    I was a coffee & wine mom (2 cups of coffee a day, a glass of wine a few times a month) and then I got pregnant with #3. This baby is apparently already plotting with it’s older sisters, because it HATES coffee. So now I enjoy a large mug of hot tea and a diet coke….And I spend more time on Twitter.

  286. Vanity_Mom says:

    totally guilty for the wine usage, and the coffee (although lately I’ve kicked it and drink orange juice in the morning for that “perk” since coffee was losing its affect.)

  287. Hillary says:

    The days my husband has had to stay home with the boys (3 and 18 month) he tells me how glad he is that he gets to go to work! lol I almost hate when he has to watch them because it’s all he can do to keep the baby in a clean diaper and both fed. The house is always a wreck. I cam home from work and he flat out said “I don’t know how you do this.” lol

  288. This is literally what every parent in the US must do to some extent. I’m pretty certain that children obtain their endless energy by draining it from the adults closest to them. Because, really, there’s no other explanation. And it makes all the coffee & wine (though I prefer beer) perfectly acceptable.

  289. Dona Mayes says:

    LOL, I am now 49 years old and my daughter recommended this sight since she reads it all of the time. My progeny are now in their 20’s but I was pregnant or nursing for over 5(FIVE) years! When the youngest weaned I had 1 (ONE) wine cooler and nearly passed out. Now, I know that in moderation, as stated by Sarah and Erin, I could have had a small drink from time to time. Of course, now that I’m a grandmother, it’s easier to have those energy reserves for the little ones because they go back home!

  290. Dona Mayes says:

    Oh, many blessings to you for this blog. My daughter was right, this is wonderful! What I appreciate the most? This is a SUPPORT to other moms, NOT another “you’re a horrible mother if you do/don’t do (blank).” Parenting, especially being mothers, is a full time job whether you spend any time working at a paying job or not. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for being a fresh, healthy and supporting voice!

  291. mygirl3 says:

    I was directed to your blog from another sight…that was about the funniest thing I have ever read!!! I am not a coffee drinker, my drug of choice is a large McDonald’s Coke in the morning, and yes, a good glass of wine at night is a treat!!

  292. RZPS says:

    Loved it! These are my drugs too! But since I’m pregnant at the moment, I can only dream of the time I could drink coffee all.day.long… It was so nice… *sigh

  293. Kara says:

    LOL! For me it’s Mtn Dew and chocolate! I used to always get on my husband’s case for drinking too much Mtn Dew (and really, he does drink way too much) but I now have 5 kids, including 1yr old twins, and Mtn Dew is sometimes the only thing that keeps me from locking all the kids in cages and going back to bed lol (no, I would never really lock my kids in cages).

  294. RZPS says:

    I do the bathroom break too! Only time I can use a computer/tablet/iPhone without my 3yo asking me to play Angry Birds just for a little while. That on top of lots of coffee and the occasional wine/beer.

  295. Claire says:

    Blah blah as much as your disclaimer & article tries to make light of it – addiction is a chronic life threatening disease. One which society feels free to heap judgment on.

    As someone who is affected by the disease of addiction in my family, this article and others like it hurt my heart. It’s offensive and infuriating.

    Judge away as my comment is only meant to educate you that articles like this just perpetuate the myth that addiction is fodder.

  296. squirrelmama says:

    I’m a 57 year old mother (still! I know!!!!) and the above parenting tools are my friends. Thanks for a good laugh. Love the art work.

  297. Beth says:

    “my precious”, lmao!!!

  298. My prenatal nurse actually recommended drinking beer while breast feeding, especially ones like guiness, as it helps your breast milk. So don’t feel guilty about the occassional indulgence. My coffee addiction started when I was pregnant with my first. Had awful morning sickness and it actually helped settle my tummy. Have not looked back since.

  299. cindy says:

    I’m fully a tea totty. I go to that pot straight away in the morning. Some nights when I *KNOW* I’m going to be extra tired in the morning, I prep it all the night before. Little guy knows… “mama have cuppatea?” Its all one word to him. LOL

  300. Renee says:

    This post went nicely with my Burgandy.

  301. Krista says:

    Not only did this make me laugh out loud, but I can relate like whoa. Awesome post!

  302. Beth says:

    Hilarious. Absolutely marvelous.

  303. Tanya J. says:

    Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too fucking funny my friend!!!! I have bookmarked this page..I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT!!

  304. Erica says:

    I LOVE THIS AND I LOVE COFFEE AND WINE!!! They need me to have it is the best ever!!!!!

  305. Alison says:

    I never really understood the phrase, “I need a drink” until I had a toddler. I could totally take or leave alcohol before that. After being “on” all day long, it’s hard to turn off the hyper efficiency once they’re in bed.
    When I feel down on myself for not getting as much done as other moms I know seem to, I have to remnd myself that other moms have caffeine. I try to avoid caffeine unless I really need it as I am a bad sleeper. Days when I do have it, I can actually get stuff done.

  306. Kory Rigler says:

    Okay, the post was funny. The pictures were funny. But your comment made me laugh hysterically. My kids are staring at me like I’m from mars.

  307. Amy says:

    T-shirts, please! I’d like two, one with each set of illustrations on the front. Any chance of this happening in the future? I mean, in your spare time?

  308. pplow@msn.com says:

    Another good recommendation is that deliciously healthy PIMS (it has fruit in it!!)for those sunny afternoons in the garden with the kids when their friends come around to play. Makes everything a lot more relaxed and fun!

  309. Oh gosh…I’m a new reader so I just have to say…I LOVE the “crappy” pictures!!

    I am completely unable to function before coffee. I’ve been known to bite off a head or two if I’m bothered before I get my “fix.”

    Maybe I should go to rehab…

    Maybe we both should go to rehab…

    P.S. :D

  310. Alicia says:

    I hear this a lot “Mommy needs coffee. Here mommy. Have coffee.” But huge piles of cocaine help too.

  311. Alison says:

    Huh. I didn’t even notice the swearing other people were commenting on. I guess I swear a bit, too.

  312. kate says:

    Wait, you don’t use cocaine? You’re completely missing out on the fun part of parenting!

    (kidding. totally, totally, totally kidding.)

  313. jennifer culp says:

    I love.this!!! My is not wine woodchuck!

  314. Susan says:

    God bless you. YES!! and YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    (note extra !!!!’s for the wine)

  315. Gretchen says:

    Gah! I had put in a response on my phone and it apparently didn’t take. I just wanted to say how much I love this post, as it reflects my life so well. My own little blog is titled “Chocolate, Tea, and Naps”, as they are what get me through the day. Tea, because I can’t drink coffee any more (*sob*), Chocolate…well, that is obvious, and naps because I just can’t do without. (For those who might wonder HOW I can get a nap in, I have two teens who are awesome helpers with the 9 and almost 5 year old younger siblings.)I would have added wine to my title, but that would probably have made my mother think I was an alcoholic. :P

  316. This blog is like a shiny new toy for Me. And this post was delicious. I love my uppers and downers too. Coffee has always been my morning friend, but now (after children) it is my morning savior. And wine…ahhhhh I thank God for it.

  317. Barig22 says:

    Thanks for the smiles! My girlfriend sent me your link after I posted that it was a 2 row of Oreos kind of day. My days have come down to just that…I determine the good, the bad and the ugly based on how many rows…not cookies, mind you! Coffee is a must, wine is a blessing, and Costco buyers should be KISSED for their chocolate covered blueberries, which I keep in my car!! And, my 4 little buggers KNOW those are Mommy’s treats! Hands off (unless, of course, I share -after the wine)! Ya know the premise of the comment “Sense and sensibility”? I think it should be “Sense and Vice”!!

  318. Sooooooo effing funny. I am dead of laughter.

  319. The Lupines says:

    oh oh, what concerns me is the diminishing “boost” effect coffee is having on me! i have 10-yr-old & 1-yr-old (who is an overall dreamy sleeper, but still mama has had interrupted sleep since last Jan…you know how it is) and my a.m. coffee doesn’t give me that temporary “I can do anything!” feeling it used to…

  320. The Lupines says:

    Oh! And p.s. a little coffee & cocktail for mama is preferred to the coping strategies of old….once I asked a septuagenarian friend of mine what she did about her four babies’ sleep and she said, “oh honey, back then the doc just gave us a little phenobarbitol for when it got really bad…” (!!!!!!)

  321. LeahM says:

    I fully support your coffee and wine drinking habits. I began drinking coffee after lunch, as a way to get through siesta time without actually stopping for a nap myself. That and I was really mean without it. With it, I am AWESOME at parenting. I am cheerful about reading stories and coming up with all sorts of preschooler projects and the whining that I must endure annoys me very little because I am waaay too happy to be bothered. About two weeks ago, I started getting stomach aches from the coffee and had to switch to black tea, but that works just as well.

  322. Lidia says:

    Hahahahahahahahaha. I thought I was the only one. I don’t drink coffe or wine though. Don’t ask me how I do it. I have no idea. Anyway, thanks for laugh. Keep them coming.

  323. Lidia says:

    Oops. “the” laugh. I guess I should start using that preview button.

  324. RosieToes says:

    Oh my word, so funny & so true. I’m more a herbal tea kinda gal but totally getting the vino in the evening. yes very occasional of course….!

  325. Elan says:

    yeah, I used to just drink decaf, because I really like coffee, but didn’t want to deal with the whole addiction thing I’d seen others deal with…then the baby. I limit to one cup a day due to breastfeeding, but oh that cup…and the occasional beer is good too ;)

  326. Kim says:

    As a former stay at home mom now working mom (not by choice :( ), I have to say it is harder to work and parent, but not because of the scheduling and working “two jobs” but because of not being able to be where you heart really is. Having to choose between playing with your child as they tug on your hand and catching up on work and/or school SUCKS (have you tried doing all three of those Becca?). I very much look forward to the day where I can be home with my babies again and have them drive me stir crazy. And I didn’t get addicted to coffee again until I had a kid, had to go back to work AND school at the same time. I protested and finally dived into the dark chocolaty pool of caffeine (I mix in swiss miss into my coffee!)
    Anyway, Becca, you attract more bees with honey. Being a SAHM is TOUGH. PERIOD. Has nothing to do with growing up. So too is being a working mom, but for completely different reasons. Lighten up!

  327. Tina says:

    This just cements my determination never to be a parent. I just wouldn’t have the stamina/self-discipline/fortitude, and it wouldn’t be fair to my poor offspring. I am in awe of anyone who does the parenting thing.

  328. Keren T says:

    That makes three of us! I’m in Israel too
    and I’m sure there are many, many more
    of us hiding in the woodwork ;-)

  329. Ali says:

    Each day, I drink diet Coke and coffee all day, and then wine at night. How the hell do people survive otherwise? Oh yeah, I guess I should drink water, too. No time, must drink more coffee.

    And I may have joked about wanting to resort to street drugs tonight as well. Glad I’m not alone. lol

  330. Judy says:

    In my house, we call these kinds of drinks “Mommy Juice.” There are some days I need the wine Mommy Juice; other days, only scotch will do :) Great blog — plan to follow it!

  331. melissa says:

    yes yes yes, i love you!

  332. sarah says:

    I just love your disclaimer. The end. And I am Mormon and don’t do wine or coffee and I still found it funny. That is why they invented B vitamins and chocolate.

  333. MrsD says:

    My hubby brings me a coffee while I’m feeding miss 6mths old then goes to work. He’s smart enough to not ever try leaving without handing me my sanity juice lol.

  334. Becca says:

    You women crack me up. Touchy, touchy.

  335. My co-worker sent me to you….I’m laughing out loud. I think I’m in love. ;-)
    You’re my new favorite drug. You might enjoy my blog as well: http://www.confessionsofaprofessionalmom.com
    Keep on writing sister! Hail the coffee and wine.
    Cheers!

  336. Coco says:

    Once I sat down next to another parent at a PTO program and whispered to her, “I’ve been drinking since 4.” Blank stare. Then looking straight ahead, she replied, “I wish I had.”

  337. Jolleen says:

    Ahhh yes, coffee and truffles are mine =D GOOD truffles mind you, not just cheap nasty dollar store ones…but then again in a pinch pretty much any fattening/carbed up chocolate will do.

  338. anna says:

    Coffee and then bed time for the kids is my downer and on occasions it’s ice cream…. No wine, I don’t like the way it makes me feel…. I get all flushed and icky.

  339. Stacey says:

    I absolutely love this. I have to share it on my blog, From Grind to Whine, which is about these two very things. So perfect. And your illustrations are THE BEST. I’m a new fan!

  340. Katie says:

    THANK YOU!!!! I’m not alone!!! Dear son is only 18 months and doesn’t actually ask if I’m awake, but getting him to sleep takes 30min- 3 hours and much of that time is spent poking mommys eyes, nose, ears, mouth, pulling hair trying to pet it (cuz by the end of the day it’s a fuzzy mess).

  341. Charlene says:

    You make me feel normal and I love your blog!!!

  342. john says:

    So very true. I have been a stay at home dad for 4 years. My son is 4 and my daughter is 2. I am not sure my wife could handle being at home now…I was pretty successful as work but that was much easier.

  343. Lj says:

    Have u read the childrens book, “my mother is weird” by rachna gilmore? Its awesome! Very similar to ur comic. I luv both and will be recommending ur blog to anyone I lend the book to.

  344. Its an epidemic. These kids are driving us insane, slowly but surely. Its more of a survival technique than a vice. Drink on, Mommies. Keep the generations alive. ( Because, you know, God made babies cute so we wouldnt kill em when they were old enough to cause trouble ) !!!

  345. I am so glad my friend sent me your blog! You put a massive smile on face. I’m inspired. You expressed exactly what millions of moms are probably too shy or embarrassed to admit! I try to substitute organic green tea for the coffee as it helps to boost my metabolism and wake me up without the gas and bloating (sad but true). Plus the stained teeth and shaky liver I get from red wine ain’t pretty so I opt for chocolate and a footrub from my chocolate hubby (get it?). Looking forward to your next post!

  346. Michelle says:

    Great Blog! Love when you said “Go to bed. I can’t handle one more minute of this parenting thing. I have to do this again tomorrow! How can I handle another day like this one? Nobody is listening to me!” It is my life too!

  347. cara says:

    Wow Becca deserves the Mom of the CENTURY award!!!! :rolls eyes:

  348. Laura says:

    I’ve read/heard a certain percentage of the population is “caffeine-sensitive”, and I think I must be one. I can have a cup, but I need to “nurse” it over like 3 hrs or it makes me shakey etc. You might try spreading your one cup out a bit, watering it down, mixing in decaf… something like that!

    Good luck. :)

  349. Laura says:

    My doctor and many other sources made clear to me that it’s fine to have a little alcohol while breastfeeding – just don’t go nuts, or, if you do, just “pump and dump” the feeding afterwards.

    Moderation is the key! Sipping a glass of wine slowly = fine.

  350. Cyn says:

    I’ve never been a coffee drinker, the taste disgust me to no end, but even before having a kid I was a tea drinker because I’m not a morning person…AT ALL but I noticed that as my daughter progress into toddlerhood my tea is becoming far stronger in the morning and it’s rarely just one cup, and there are a lot of mornings where a diet coke has to top it up, nothing else will do.
    And I hear you on the wine ;-)

  351. Rachel says:

    So hysterical and true – how how how have I not heard of this blog before???
    Oddly my little guy is always saying, “I don’t want you to drink coffee” and “I don’t want you to drink wine” and I’m thinking, like you, “Oh yes you do.”

    Still, there are those crucial dead hours in there — post last hit of coffee, pre first shot of alcohol…1 PM to 4 PM or so…though when it gets darker earlier I think cocktail hour can reasonably begin at 3.

  352. Cat says:

    You don’t want a rooster. They don’t start crowing at dawn, they crow all.night.long.

  353. Becca says:

    Finally! A voice of reason and rational thought. A grown up joins the crowd!

  354. Becca says:

    And Cara deserves…well, you know what you deserve. 99.9% of you here can only DREAM of raising the kind of kids I raised. And you don’t do it by showing them an example of drinking and “self medicating.”

    • Stefanie Farren says:

      your desperation is frightening. I hope you were able to get some help. you must be very alone to come on here and try so hard to put others down and yourself up, I hope you can reach out in real life and get the help you need.

  355. towen18736@verizon.net says:

    I thought I was the only mom out there that actually used dimetap as a sleep agent for my children. they are all grown now, yes they lived and so did I. Damn shame they took the alchohol out of childrens medicines.

  356. Kristen W says:

    As an abstainer from coffee and alcohol before children as well, I was JUST having this exact conversation with someone. And I love how you don’t do it for YOU (insert mom-as-martyr stereotype here). No, it’s for them. Because eating your children is frowned upon.

  357. crissywrong says:

    Thank you. I just typed “I’m tired of saying no to my toddler” into the internets and somehow ended up here. I didn’t find the answer but I do feel better and have decided to screw my plan of cutting down on coffee. Maybe THAT is the answer.

  358. Shawna says:

    Hmmmm…..you left out my favorite drug of choice.

  359. love the fresh pot video!

  360. Laura says:

    It’s probably way too many days later for anyone to actually read this, but I just want to say that joking about addiction is certainly no worse than joking about any number of other things, like religion or death, which people do all the time.

    I also believe this sort of joking even has a nod of respect to the twin realities of the situation – that caffeine and alcohol can be badly addictive and that addiction can be a serious problem for some people.

    Just my two cents…

    Well, here’s another cent or two – this is clearly a “tell it like it is to make light of reality” sort of blog. Please just avoid it if you’re not comfortable with that sort of humor, and avoid judging people by their senses of humor – maybe it’s contrary to conventional wisdom, but I don’t think a person’s sense of humor is actually a very good indicator of whether they’re warm, caring, loving people when/where it counts.

  361. Laura says:

    I bet 99% of the folks on here are much more discreet than you think – they’re having a laugh, Becca!

  362. Jo says:

    I need you to have a word with my working husband; he still doesn’t get it when I point out to him that at least he gets a lunch hour…

  363. OKCtwinMom says:

    So funny because I was just explaining to my husband last night that coffee & wine were God’s gift to momma’s!

  364. Becca says:

    Go back a little farther and read the posts about drinking while breastfeeding. If that doesn’t make you cringe, I don’t know what will. Of course, parenting is hard, and working outside the home makes it more so. I don’t have a problem with stress relief, but let’s get real here. Don’t tell me your days are SO busy and SO stressful that you have to drink to cope with it all. Because if that’s the case, then you’re doing something wrong, and there is nothing funny about “needing” a glass or two of wine to make it through your life. Now THAT stinks of negativity and depression!!

  365. Joan says:

    I don’t drink, but parenting makes me wish I did. sigh…

  366. Rebecca says:

    You are kind of brilliant, and you just made my day. And I am posting this on Facebook!!

  367. Sara says:

    You just made me laugh and cry at the same time.

  368. Liz Roadman says:

    I was just introduced to your blog. HILARIOUS and very factual! This one really describes me. My kids wake up ridiculously early…like 5:30am!!! (they are 4.5 and 2)..I HAVE to have my coffee POT in the morning and my bubbly in the evening.

  369. Amen.

    I also rely heavily on positive reinforcement which could also be called bribery.

  370. My lactation guru assured me (and digging around on the internet backed her up) that as long as you aren’t nursing while actually feeling tipsy, you are just fine! Besides, he’s 2, I bet he’s not nursing every two hours through the night anymore and you can safely have a glass of wine after he’s in bed. My son nursed until just after age 3 :)

  371. janine says:

    My uppers and downers are chocolate covered espresso beans (who has time to wait for coffee to brew?) and champagne. Even though it’s fake bubbly, my champagne habit is starting to get expensive.

    As a 2012 New Years Resolution I decided to give them up. But after I read this post I realized that it just makes me a better parent.

  372. Kim says:

    It could be worse. I have 5 under the age of 5. The oldest is a 4 year old boy who constantly whines. Then there is the next boy who is a 3 year old terror. Then come the triplet 15 month old girls. One is learning to walk, one kicks butt and isn’t afraid of anything, and one cries at the top of her lungs until I hold her. Caffeine does nothing for me. So that, and then arthritis on top of it, leaves me in constant fatigue. Stressed and burned out is an understatement. The house is a wreck, but everyone gets fed and taken care of. I’ll have time to obsess about the house when they are all in school. So when you are having a rough day, remember it could be worse…you could have 5. LOL. :D

  373. Maura says:

    Oh my gosh I absolutely loved this!

  374. Susie says:

    SO hilarious and true!!!

  375. It is really hard to become a parent but it is more fun having your kids growing up for good.

  376. Amanda says:

    A… Correction. I never Said it was a RULE. What I said it that MOST LDS stay away from it because its a mind altering drug. I am not LDS. I lOVE my caffeine. I drink 3 16 oz cups of tea a day. I know it is not doctrine. I didn’t want there to be a misconception about it. Its not the coffee itself that they feel like they need to stay away from its the drug in it. You could live by a no caffeine rule and still drink decaf coffee. And its teas in general that are frowned upon.

    I’m not trying to be rude or bitchy. I know there is a lot that the people of the church like to live by that most don’t understand. The LDS religion is a very tight nit group because there are a lot of misconceptions about them. Please don’t say I’m wrong about the closeness of its members, because I know how open they are to others as well.

  377. Amanda says:

    Chocolate is my fav ;)

  378. Amanda says:

    Sarah, I love you!

    Don’t feed the trolls!!

  379. Jess says:

    Couldn’t have explained it better myself! :)

    http://www.absolutelyravenous.wordpress.com

  380. amanda smith says:

    No man gets I think tell they try it out. Mine acts like I do nothing all day. He gets home at 7-8 at night. Omg his suppers cooked, laundry’s done, house is clean, kids are bathed and ready for bed,or their sleeping. And I tell him my sisters taking them for a night so I can have a night out. He said why the heck do you need a night off. (Smack)Thats me banging my head against the wall. I don’t get him to watch the kids cause, like Hillary said, the house is a wreck. And then my time off isn’t cause I got to haul butt to get the house clean again…. But John WTG I love to see that some men do get it. Now if you could put messages on an ice rink or a bottle of beer, so the other guys understand the world would be happier!!!! LOL

  381. Brandi says:

    This is hilarious! LOVE it!

  382. amelia says:

    Reading this with my giant 20oz mug of coffee in front of me that will be gone in a matter of minutes :( I actually said to my lovely little 2 year old this morning that 5am is too early for mommy to play and she told to make coffee.

    A nice glass of wine before nursing the toddler to sleep is just what we all need some evenings. Joking….mostly ;)

  383. Awesome! A friend sent me this and I’m so glad she did–

    Tanja
    http://RebootThisMarriage.com

  384. Tina says:

    So glad to see someone else who knows Dave’s Fresh Pots! I have teenagers and a 10 year old that run around the house saying mom need Fresh Pots!! I love it!

  385. MrsOgg says:

    Oh my goodness I can’t live without the coffee!! And now that I have a two year old maybe I should think about taking up drinking. I have been so awfully impatient with her since being past my due date. I can’t wait for this baby to arrive and most importantly for Grandma to arrive! :-)

  386. Chris Carter says:

    DAMN you are soooo good! I see why you are so popular! I could read your stuff all day….if I didn’t have kids! LOVE your blog!!!

  387. Carly says:

    Too funny!

  388. chigrboy says:

    Wouldn’t ya know it, there’s a song about this.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_BG_8Wjo88

  389. Hope says:

    I really enjoyed this post. I used to be exactly the same way: judgmental of those who drank coffee and “had” to have a cup in the mornings to feel functional. I made it through the first two kids, but after my third, I started drinking coffee. She’s now 1 and still wakes up a lot at night. I generally have 2-3 cups of coffee a day.
    But anyway, I loved how your post put a humorous spin on how different we feel with coffee and wine!

  390. Corrie K says:

    WHY do kids wake up so early, and loud, and full of energy??? How is that even possible??? Can’t we all just stay in bed and wake up slowly and quietly??? Do we have to start begging for candy at 7:30am? And asking what we’re going to do today at 7:31 am?? Is a volume of, oh, say 2 so hard to accomplish?? Is this all too much to ask!?!?

  391. Allegra Smith says:

    Holy Cow! I want to add in my two cents about coffee and it takes a freaking half hour to scroll down to the bottom. Well, the microwave is beeping at me with my 3rd time re-heated coffee. Blame it on the kids screaming about which movie they want to watch, so I had to turn around and break up the fight. Honest, they’re pretty good when I’m watching them. Thank the world for coffee.

  392. ST says:

    Great observation – parents (ft working, pt working, sahm/f) use whatever tools required to be a good parent.

    There are so many sad kids out there (abused by their care givers, etc) that righteous people ought to try to help than to vent their spleen on a humour site.

    I haven’t found my drug of choice yet – food and sleep works best.

  393. MommaofMadness says:

    ME! ME! However, I throw a spin on it. I don’t drink coffee, (it doesn’t like me as much as I like it!) so I use a half of a No Doz…lol such a lightweight. Makes me shake like a crackhead too!…. but the cartoons are DEAD ON! lol… my nightly is hot tea.. I don’t drink. Again, it doesnt like me as much as I like it..

  394. sutton says:

    BCUSD 100

  395. neva says:

    Fabulous!!!! So me after the twins were born. Will you be my new BFF?

  396. Chris says:

    One time my daughter was in her cozy coupe and she had her “baby” in the seat behind her, and she put two of her plastic cups on the “dashboard”. I asked her what they were and she said “They’re my wine and my coffee, mommy, just like you!” LOL. Now I want it known that I didn’t drink both at the same time and never wine when I was driving, but obviously I drank enough of both that my two year old (at the time) knew it!

  397. Katelynn says:

    Love this post and disclaimer!! Huge coffee addict here, too. I also LOVE the occasional glass of wine…nothing better than a good wine-pass-out at night! As far as the comments about beer bringing in breast milk, after I had my 3rd baby, I was understandably stressed being home with 3 under 5. I kept a beer in the fridge and when things got “hairy” I would takes sips (or chugs) throughout the day, clamining I was “trying to get my milk to come in.” I never had a problem with my milk….just needed a drink of beer every now and then :)

  398. Zakary says:

    I already commented once, but I came back to tell you that I bought an espresso machine last weekend. You know, to take my caffeine addiction to another level.

    DOUBLE SHOT LATTES. Get there.

  399. Ana says:

    I love you. You Rock!

  400. Shaina Stinard says:

    I relate to ALL your posts, but this one……seriously, ROLLING ON THE FLOOR!!!!! I feel like I wrote this!!!! Passing it to every other mom like me I know! So good!!!! I even have a magnet on my fridge that says “Wine. Takes the Bitch right out of Me.” LOL

  401. Melanie says:

    Thank you so much for making me feel not bad about having to do the exact same thing.. EVERYDAY!! lol

  402. Bnay says:

    I am new to this site and am loving it so much!! Thanks for the belly laughs!

  403. danielle says:

    I just discovered your blog today, and I love it! I am sitting at work behind my lap top laughing. I have a 19month old son and another little boy on the way, I find this blog will help me prepare :) love it!

  404. Leigh says:

    Some angry elves read this blog. I don’t think you are at all complaining about being a stay at home mom. Just like any other job… some people just need coffee in the morning and a glass of wine to relax. What is the difference between a job and being a stay at home mom? I don’t have kids, but I still drink a coffee in the morning, a pop at lunch, and tea or a beer at night. Man I’m all jacked up on Mt. Dew.

  405. Courtney Sanderson says:

    Just a side note… Roosters= not cool. They fucking suck!! I lived next to someone who had one when I was a teenager and the stupid thing woke me up every damn morning WAY BEFORE the sun came up! Also, totally agree with the post. Coffee/wine = necessity after kids

  406. Nicole says:

    I am pretty sure you’re writing about MY life, right down to the crappy boy and crappy baby boy (almost 6 and almost 2). We co-sleep, breastfeed, baby wear, and cloth diaper…so I pretty much relate to EVERYTHING you write. Thanks for showing me I am not the only one dealing with it all….especially this particular blog I am reading as I drink my glass of wine!

  407. Nicole says:

    Oh, and I think the only difference between us at this point is that I actually look like your illustrated version of yourself, whereas, according to your photo, you DO NOT!

  408. Aly C. says:

    I was using Tylenol P.M. but wine works MUCH better! Thanks for that!

  409. Me too. No coffee before kids, but a must nowadays!

  410. Diana McCarthy says:

    love

  411. Jen says:

    My stomach cant do the coffee but every morning in my pill case of vitamins there is half of a no-dose caffeine pill that makes the morning bearable. No calories with the same kick :)

  412. Patti says:

    Okay…I’m 67, but it’s me!! Especially the coffee! My grandson is learning when I visit, my brain doesn’t function till I get at least 1 cup of coffee! Your crappy stories bring back so many memories & I laugh out loud! Thanks!

  413. Lana says:

    Never drank coffee much but energy drinks after lunch I used to do BEFORE I became a mother.. when I was a full time farrier. Now I don’t usually drink anything with caffeine in it because both my sons are made wakeful by it through my breast milk. (recently stopped tandem nursing)

    As for alcohol.. I wish but it gives me a head ache before I have even sobered up. Warm baths or a hot chocolate work well but am kicking that habit now too coz of the high sugar content. Only having it when I feel a bit coo-coo.

    It really depends on what helps you as a parent as to whether or not you or your kids need you to have a drink or whatever so you can cope when all you really wanna do is scream. on a day like that.. I say whatever works.

  414. Kate L says:

    I am totally a slave to the bean… and the grape!!
    LOVE this one!!

  415. lev says:

    Be careful with the coffee. You don’t want to end up like the chap in Oldelaf’s “Petit Cafe”:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjmiap-uXug

  416. Jenifer says:

    Exactly! Love this!

  417. Victoria says:

    My daughter is 15. I just stopped drinking coffee this week. Mainly because when they get to be teenagers they sleep later than you do. They call you names and mouth off constantly and you have to slap them down (verbally…relax everyone…verbally), but you get to sleep late on weekend mornings again.

    Just make sure you don’t encourage them to do anything athletic that requires you to be on the field at 7 AM. That will suck.

  418. Paula says:

    OK, no one will probably even read this, but…when I had 5 little kids I was active in a religion that did not allow coffee or alcohol. Then years later, when I first started to drink coffee and wine my first thought was, “I could have been such a better mom if I had been drinking coffee in the morning and a glass of wine at night!” I thought that was just me. HA!

    • Kai says:

      I read it Paula and God should bless you for raising 5 children without wine or coffee. There’s a special place in heaven for you.

  419. Josie says:

    I love you funny lady.

  420. Mindy Gregorsok says:

    You’re singing my song, sister. :) I never drank coffee until I had the second kid. Now, all I drink in a day is coffee, wine, and water (not in that order!). Thanks for all your hilarious posts…it’s good for moms to know we’re all in this together!

  421. Brittany says:

    Hahahahahaha! I love you. That is all

  422. Cici Brown says:

    Coffee and sugar. Only uppers in my arsenal. If I want a downer I can go to sleep ;) Usually I crash with the kids for a brief time anyway!

  423. kiwi says:

    I NEVER ever drank coffee, i hated the stuff. made it 26.5yrs w/o it… I will “kill” the first adult who tries to talk to me before I have it these days! I seriously just stumbled on this site bc someone posted it on fb and I am crying bc its soooo funny & true, i luv ur wit!

  424. My baby is still too small and feeding too frequently for me to use alcohol, but coffee and chocolate help me through the morning. Then lunchtime. The early afternoon. After daddy gets home. And usually just after the one am dummy spit (if only he would actually take a dummy…). I’ve decided to worry about my expanding arse later.

  425. Blanca says:

    I need coffee…have needed it since high school. Coffee, Dr. pepper, rootbeer floats and carmel

  426. Lucy says:

    I love this blog and this post made me love it even more! Sorry to see that it has provoked such indignation. Wine and coffee are one of nature’s best gifts. Chin chin! X

  427. Lizanne says:

    I’m often amazed at what I can accomplish before the coffee is even percolated in the morning… what would it be like, I wonder, to wake up to the smell of a freshly-brewed pot of Joe? I’ll never know… But when I finally do get that coffee in my system, I’m super Mom with sparkles on. I’ve got tendonitis from coffee-pouring and thanks to daylight savings, we can pop open that bottle of Merlot at 3pm! YES.
    – Lizanne

  428. Liz says:

    This has to be my favorite post of yours, it’s hilarious and completely true. As soon as my daughter outgrows her dairy allergy I’ll be drinking coffee everyday (We’re breastfeeding and I can’t drink coffee without cream or milk in it ’cause then it’s just not coffee). I know it’ll instantly make me a better mom in the morning lol.

  429. Suzy says:

    Hahaha you’ve made my day. Bought the book online and cannot wait to read it (with a glass of wine) while miss 7 occupies herself…. In that moment i shall not care what she is getting up to.

  430. Kim @ LiaH says:

    (shakes head in complete total mother-to-mother bonding moment). Been there, done that. Coffee and wine make EVERYTHING better. Wine more so than the coffee. (said the mom with about 35 little travel size bottles of Jack Daniels stashed in her closet.) For Emergencies. Not that I need them or anything. Which reminds me, it’s time to visit the local liquor store again.

  431. Kim @ LiaH says:

    I shamelessly plugged your blog and the book. Just cause I’m like your long lost twin sister or something. http://www.lifeinahouseoftestosterone.com/2013/04/parenting-illustrated-with-crappy.html

  432. Krystle says:

    This morning I told my boys to go play in their room. Then I went to the kitchen and ate ice cream out if the carton. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

  433. Joslyn says:

    I love you. This could be the story of me, I swear. The only other “drug” I occasionally take advantage of is road biking. I can be completely stressed to the max and go do 30 miles and come back cheerful. Unfortunately, they look down on you locking your kids in dog kennels so you can go bike for a couple hours…. so I can only do that when my husband is around. :-)

  434. lawahine says:

    “judgmental people are ugly”!!! <— THIS a thousands times over!

  435. Amber says:

    How do you get used to coffee? I’ve never had it before and I hate the smell of it. I could really use something to get me going in the morning. I don’t really want to just add a bunch of sugar and cream because then I’m drinking tons of calories. Ideas?

  436. julie says:

    My new favorite mom-prayer:
    Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can change, and wine to accept the things I can’t.

  437. Bobbie says:

    Oh, this made me laugh til my sides hurt! You go, you awesome mama!
    Bobbie @ http://www.rosesarebluetoo.com

  438. Every day. With gallons of green tea in between. I’m starting to feel like I’m writing this blog in my sleep and just didn’t know about it… Except that would mean I was asleep much more than I actually am.

  439. Kennady says:

    I really love the part that you judged everybody that needed coffee until you one day experienced a need for it, like children (nice). So coffee is only okay, according to you in your small world, after having children?? Thank you so much for blessing this world with your deep thoughts and amazing art explaining it. Glad you have a blog and can make only the mothers of the world feel okay.

  440. J R says:

    Oh how I envy the moms who can make it through the day on ONLY coffee and wine. I fight horrible major depression issues, and fought being medicated for a lot of years. I finally gave in when I had kids. Because my kids deserve a mom who will get up and play with them, not one who stays in bed and screams at them all the time. I don’t get to drink much because of the meds, but I do need that cup of coffee or tea in the mornings to get going too! Though I’ve been known to indulge in that small glass of Baileys on the rocks in the evening after a bad day as well. And it never fails that if I’ve had a rough evening, hubby shows up after work the next day with chocolate or my favorite sweet in hand. I love my hubby. Yay for coffee and wine! (and the other things that make us great moms)

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  442. Suzanne says:

    Love it! 18 years ago when my son was 3, he saw a dead armadillo on the side of the road. He wanted to play with it. I said it’s dead you can’t play with it. He said, “let’s put water on it”. I said that would not work. He thought for a moment and said, “Let’s pour some coffee on it.” Obviously he had observed how coffee made his mom rise from the dead every morning!

  443. Mwenda says:

    I absolutely love and relate to your posts… only difference is that the roles are reversed between my wife and I

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