The following post was originally written for Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures (The BOOK!) but was cut
because it sucks. No, actually, I rather like this story. There just wasn’t room for it.
The Birthday Party
Crappy Boy gets invited to a birthday party. It is winter, in the peak of flu season. The party is at an indoor play gym.
You already know how I feel about indoor play gyms. (Actually you don’t. Because that story IS in the book.) Plus, we have travel plans the following week. (Travel story also in the book.) We can’t risk getting sick!
But attendees to a birthday party will be considerate, right? Nobody is going to be an asshole and bring their sick child.
It will be fine.
We arrive and Crappy Boy runs off to play with the other kids. I sit on a bench against the wall with the other moms.
Then Crappy Boy comes back over to me and climbs up on my lap.
I can sense that something isn’t right. Just seconds ago he was laughing and running with his friends. Did something happen?
He turns towards me, opens his mouth to speak and:
He pukes all over me. The puke drips off my lap and onto the floor.
Puke that came out of my child’s mouth. MY child. I have got to get us out of here. Immediately.
Only I can’t just walk out and leave the puke on the floor for someone else to discover and clean up. Plus, more is going to drip off of me when I stand up. Miraculously, nobody has even noticed what happened. I have to ask for help.
The mom* next to me finds me some paper towels. I clean up the floor and myself as fast as I can, holding Crappy Boy the whole time.
People are starting to notice and whisper. I can smell the judgement in the air.
Then I get us the hell out of there. It is fine. We’ll never have to see those people again. Sure, those are all his friends but he’ll just have to make new ones. Start over.
Only when we get to the car:
Oh no! We left his shoes inside! His brand new, just bought them last week, shoes. There is no way we can leave them behind.
Part of me dies of humiliation, knowing that I now must walk back in there, covered in puke, through the sea of disapproving moms to retrieve the shoes.
Who was the asshole that brought a puking kid to a birthday party?
Hi. That was me.
*The mom who got me paper towels is actually a close friend of mine now. Anyone who will help you clean up your kid’s puke is a keeper.
Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures will be in stores March 26th, 2013. Just five days from now! It is available for pre-order! (Warning: sales pitch alert! Mother’s Day is coming. This is the perfect gift for your friends. Especially the ones who help you clean up puke.)
Still some signed bookplate stickers left if you fancy a sticker of me on the toilet. That I signed. With a pen. Pre-order and then fill out this form to join our exclusive hiding in the bathroom sticker club. I’m not much of a club joiner, but this one is pretty rad. You don’t even have to get dressed for the meetings.