That Time I Took Care of Wendy’s Kids and…

She told them not to poop. 

Let me rewind.

Wendy had doctor appointments and I forced her to let me help her out with her kids. I was waiving my raised hand in the air “Ooh, pick me, pick me!” and she actually picked me. She and her mom dropped them off at my place at 9:00AM.

This is that day…

They arrive. Her kids (Eldest Girl, Middle Girl and Youngest Boy) run in and immediately start playing with Crappy Boy and Crappy Baby. Wendy hands me a huge bag full of diapers and water bottles and says:

wendypoop1

She tells me that she told them all not to poop at my house.

I won’t even go into what percentage of her was just joking and what percentage of her was trying to sincerely make things easier for me.  

After I stop laughing, I reassure her that I’ve changed a diaper before. She tells me that Middle Girl still needs wiping help. I reassure her that I’ve done that too.

She leaves. 

Here I am with five kids under the age of six. To those of you with only one or two kids you might think this is hard. To those of you with five or more kids you know this is hard.

But in reality, they play together so well that I surprisingly find myself doing this:

wendypoop6

(Except not right at 9:00AM. I didn’t start drinking heavily until at least 9:30AM.)  

We read books. We play games. Inside time. Outside time. Snack. I’m running this shit like a preschool, yo. 

Early in the morning everyone is busy having fun outside:

wendypoop2

Crappy Boy and Eldest Girl are making something gross and exciting in a metal tub. Crappy Baby and Youngest Boy are holding hands and wandering around the yard.

I’m making spin art with Middle Girl. Then she says:

wendypoop3

So I help her with the sliding door and let her inside.

I realize she has been in there for a few minutes. 

So I poke my head in to check on her:

wendypoop4

She does not want my help. Even though Wendy said she needs help wiping. So, uh, now what do I do?

I hear the toilet flush. I hear it flush again. This is a good thing because we have the most horrible eco-friendly water saving toilet that probably wastes water because you have to flush it for each square of toilet paper or it will clog.  

I ask Middle Girl again if she needs help wiping. She says no again.

I text Wendy to make sure she is cool with me letting Middle Girl handle her business. I also use this opportunity to tease her that after just one hour her brilliant “no pooping” advice has already backfired.

Moments later, a smell fills the air. Youngest Boy is the source.

wendypoop7

I say it is time to “change his britches” which is lingo that Wendy uses for changing a diaper. Because she is weird.

Anyway, see how clever I am? How I used her terms so he’d feel comfortable?

It doesn’t work.

Now Youngest Boy is not one I can do the chase and capture method of toddler diapering with. I’m not going to traumatize him by forcing him to let me change his diaper. He is a sweet, soft-spoken little bugger. I have to respect that.

But at the same time, I also have to change his diaper. Think!

wendypoop8 2

Toddlers will do anything for the opportunity to fling birds backwards. 

(Seriously, you know the cliché of creeps offering candy to kids out of the back of a van? I’m quite certain that is outdated. Now we should probably caution our kids not to accept smartphones from strangers.) 

So we cut a deal. He plays the phone while I change his diaper.

But this is no ordinary diaper:

wendypoop9

How did poop cover every square inch of the surface so evenly? So perfectly? This was some thorough pooping. I’m impressed. I enlist one of the other kids to fetch me more wipes since I grossly misjudged the caliber. (See? Having all these extra kids around does come in handy.)

All cleaned up, all goes back to normal.

For ten minutes.

Then Youngest Boy poops again:

wendypoop10 2

It goes much smoother this time since I already know the phone trick. I also bring full-size bath towels with me instead of wipes this time to handle the disaster he has once again inflicted upon his diaper. 

That night, when Wendy came to pick them up:

wendypoop11

Who knows? It might work. 

———————–

We’ll just assume that Wendy’s eldest child also pooped at my house. She does it all herself so there is no way to know for sure. But she totally did. Probably like six times too.

Wendy says the silver-lining is that it means her kids are really comfortable at my house. She also said that ever since that day, Middle Girl has handled all her wiping herself. So basically, I rock and stuff.   

Yes, this is the same Wendy. She is doing well. It is one year after her diagnosis and she is the same awesome person that she always has been. Just with more hats. And more swearing. And even more laughing. 

This entry was posted in crappy pictures, parenting, poop. Bookmark the permalink.

109 Responses to That Time I Took Care of Wendy’s Kids and…

  1. Tara Worth says:

    OMFG that is so funny! She had it in for you I’m thinking, lol.

  2. Jess says:

    First, this was such a funny peek into your day! She totally jinxed it! So happy to hear that your friend is doing well.

  3. gena w. says:

    I laughed out loud at the flinging birds backwards! My 2 year old does that too.

  4. Catherine S says:

    That diaper is epic.

  5. Jennifer says:

    I’m so happy to hear Wendy is doing well!

  6. Ros Jenkins says:

    Britches? This is not a British word. That’ll be *nappy*. Unless you’re my grandma (or over 80) in which case it’s ‘napkin’. I promise it’s nappy – we’re even celebrating ‘Real Nappy Week’ over here at the moment 🙂
    I thought Britches was an American word. It isn’t?!

    • Jill says:

      Yes, “britches” or “breeches” originated in England. Not a term for a diaper, but for pants. In fact, the term gave rise to “breech birth” because it meant pants first.

      • Lturtle says:

        Just to clarify; breeches/britches refers to trousers. In Britain “pants” is underwear. Who knew English was so complicated?

        • MomOf9 says:

          Oh! I thought that underpants would go under your pants. Good to know. We use the term “britches” all the time here. As in: “Look, Bud, you are gettin’ a little too big for your britches. I’m in charge here.” and “You need to hitch your britches. They’re startin’ to drag on the floor.” I always thought it was an “Okie” term (Oklahoman).

          • Ros Jenkins says:

            I’ve never heard anyone use britches over here without putting on an American accent! If it originated over here, then we’ve not been using it for a loooong time. Balloo in the disney jungle book film says ‘little britches’, but pretty sure he doesn’t in the original (British) book.

            And breech birth means trousers first? Babies come out with trousers?! Mine must have forgotten his – oh the shame 😉

        • Nickel says:

          I had to explain to my eldest why fanny is ok in USA but NOT in australia. “well darling in america it means your bottom, butt or bum. but in australia it means.. well it means your um, front bottom.” (there’s a crappy picture) which is why apparently they have changed enid blyton books to have a girl named “frannie” NOT fanny. ah political correctness.

    • Lisa says:

      Real Nappy Week? What goes on?

      • Lana says:

        real nappy week is were we all ditch disposables for the whole week. “real” as in cloth nappies. course a third of us use cloth full time anyways (myself included as I practice E.C.) according to mother and baby magazine so for a third of mums nothing changes.. it’s just a celebration of Eco-friendliness and cute fluffy bums. It rocks to see so much cute

  7. Jill says:

    Those massive diapers are always saved for the very best of friends. Glad she is doing okay, been thinking about her.

  8. Ellen says:

    “I’m running this shit like a preschool, yo.” Combined with the pic of you lounging with at glass of wine at 9am (ahem…9:30) totally made me guffaw while at work. And contemplate quitting my job to open a preschool…

  9. Bodi says:

    You managed to handle that with a lot of class- well done!

    Thanks for sharing (but I gotta say I’m grateful this isn’t a “Smell-o-Blog” ;-))

  10. Kim says:

    Glad to hear Wendy is doing well!!!

  11. Brendan says:

    I love your stories! I have a 7 month old crappy baby myself (first one!). You inspire me to be a parent who is strong, confident and able to laugh at the sometimes stressful situations that come with kids. Thank you.

  12. Andrea says:

    “Toddlers will do anything for the opportunity to fling birds backwards.”

    Haha! So true!

  13. Spirit says:

    Girl you are super woman! Five kids all young and that amount of poop in diapers, you totally rock 🙂

    Also, So glad to hear that Wendy is doing well.

    P.s. how did you get your phone back. My son gets my phone and it’s pulling teeth, breaking arms and fingers and screaming to get It back ( no one really gets hurt- well my phone might )

  14. rachel says:

    I am glad to hear that Wendy is doing well. I had a smile on the whole time I read this entry, having been there myself with my 4 nephews and one neice. I have two boys so I never quite know how to handle little-girl bathroom time…

  15. Jessica says:

    I was just thinking about how she was doing, I’m glad you posted a funny update-y post.

    And yes, when ever I watch other friend’s children…. they poop A LOT!

    I also agree on the smartphone thing. If a stranger has just the angry birds theme song playing my kids are gone. probably should start working on that one.

  16. Amy says:

    I laughed out loud at the picture of you lounging with the wine!

  17. Delia says:

    I have a couple of friends with whom I traded babysitting services. Two of them have older kids with disabilities that have thus far prevented potty learning so they wear diapers. The first time I watched the oldest one it was an emergency and they were in a pickle. I didn’t really know the kids well so I had no clue that she had on pull ups until I smelled her! I went looking in the diaper bag for the baby and found them. I had never changed a non-verbal 8 year old before…holy cow, what to do. I gave her my iPad to play angry birds, haha! Worked like a charm 😉

    • Cassi says:

      Wow, um, sounds like the sort of thing the babysitter should be warned about! 🙂

      • MomOf9 says:

        We had a 10 yr old foster son once who pooped in his pants intentionally, all.day.long. We stuck it out for a month, but then things got worse. He ended up in a residential treatment facility. Never.ever.again.

  18. ariel says:

    Wendy’s kids sound great like yours! I’m glad she is doing well! One of the funniest posts yet!

  19. ariel says:

    “I’m running this shit like a preschool, yo.”

    I almost died!

  20. Liz says:

    Hahahahaha.

    Also glad to hear Wendy is doing well. I’ve thought about her often

  21. Diana says:

    My sister does the same thing with her kids! I don’t know why…but I’m glad to know she’s not the only one. =) Your posts crack me up. It makes me feel tons better to know that there is a mom out there who goes through almost exactly the same experiences I do. And can write hilariously about them. Thanks!

  22. Amber Scott says:

    “britches” is a southern term. my daughter has those epic diapers everyday. Lol she is outstanding at them.

  23. Laura says:

    OMG so funny! Thanks for the laughs!

  24. Danae H says:

    “Toddlers will do anything for the opportunity to fling birds backwards.”

    LMAO! I am glad my 2 year old is not the only tot who can’t fling the birds. She sure does have fun loosing though!

  25. emily g says:

    “I’m running this shit like a preschool, yo.”

    God you’re so funny. Can I borrow your humor for a weekend?? And maybe your wine, too?

  26. Sasha says:

    My almost-three year old crapped his pants yesterday. There were no underwear on at the time… I can’t find the poo! We have a missing poo somewhere in the house or yard. I can’t find it. Trust me, I searched for it like it was a 20 karat diamond. Toilet training SUCKS!!!

    • Christine says:

      He probably went in the toilet, flushed, and pulled up his pants without wiping. Been there, done that. 🙂

    • SassyDandelion says:

      I totally LOL’d at your comment! I was there with my now five year old son when we were potty training him! The only successful way we finally got over that hump? I took his pants and underpants when I knew he had to poop (he’s a pretty regular kid) and wouldn’t give them back no matter how much crying, begging, and telling me that I am the worst mommy ever he did!

  27. Roxane says:

    I feel for Wendy. I really do. My son fills diapers thoroughly to the edges three times a day. So much poop…

  28. Richain says:

    The joke in our group of friends… friends will watch your children for you when you need. True friends will help you clean up the poop mess your child makes. In our instance, it was liquid poop and the tot was in a swim diaper… it.was.everywhere. 🙂 Either way at some point, all of us moms are bound together by poop. lol

    Glad to hear that Wendy is doing well!

  29. Roxane says:

    I’m glad to hear Wendy is doing well!

  30. Angela says:

    I’m so glad to hear a Wendy update. Yes, I know, I’m nosey. I know the road she is on is a really fucking hard one. My cousin fought stage iv for seven years. She had a really good life up until that last few months. Wendy, if you read these comments, please know that people are thinking of you, even though we don’t know you. While that probably feels weird at times I hope it also feels good at times too. xoxo

  31. liz fern says:

    I’m laughing at work as usual, thanks!

  32. darwinsgirl says:

    Hilarious as usual. I have been thinking about Wendy-and am relieved to hear she is doing well!

  33. Christine Roeske says:

    Haha! My eyebrows shot up at the drawing of his poo-filled diaper. Shockingly, little dude is not along – my youngest has the poop power to fill his diaper to its absolute holding point.

    Sigh.

  34. Mikel-An says:

    This made me guffaw. 🙂
    Also, so glad Wendy is doing well. 🙂

  35. Kate says:

    Great post! Glad to hear that Wendy is doing well. She’s been in my thoughts and prayers since I read your first post about her.

  36. Sonia says:

    I watch a friend’s Crappy Boy and I swear he waits til his dad leaves and then poops. Twice. Right as I am trying to take my kids to school. My kids are late on those days.

  37. Christy says:

    Was so happy to hear an update on your friend Wendy.

    LOVE the epic poopie diaper. We describe poops in my house in terms of how many wipes are needed to clean it. (I had a 10-wiper today).
    With 1 year old twins and a 3 year old I am up to my elbows in poop.

    • Cassi says:

      I thought I was the only one who rated diapers in numbers of wipes!

      • katy says:

        my husband rates his own poops in terms of number of wipes. He’s the proudest of his “no-wipers”…which is a misnomer because he still has to do the one to make sure.

        • Lindsay Lopez says:

          Your husband sounds so wonderfully open like mine…I sometimes receive picture messages of those of which he is most proud! 😛

  38. Janine says:

    This post made me cry because it linked back to the other post about Wendy. There’s a lot that sucks in life. At least we can have some friends, laughs, and drinks in the middle of it somewhere.

  39. Heather says:

    That is so true about the smartphones. My kids will do just about anything to play with my phone or my iPod Touch, so they are definitely the thing we should be warning our children about. 😀

  40. Michael says:

    Can I make this into an android app for you?

  41. Liz says:

    this is great…love the totally poop-covered diaper drawing. and thanks for the wendy update — i’m so glad she’s doing well!

  42. Sarah says:

    I am a new reader, just wanted to tell you that you’re hilarious. The poop diaper picture is PERFECTION.

  43. Lidia says:

    Hahaha. That diaper was gross, but great. I’ve been witness to a couple of those. They really are quite extraordinary.

  44. Amanda Reed says:

    So glad to hear that Wendy is doing ok. ♥

  45. Wendy B says:

    Oh yeah! LOVE this post!! Thanks, Amber for this Crappy. ALWAYS love your posts, especially those about poop! Haha. Thanks to everyone too for the kind words. 🙂

  46. Sara says:

    Awesome all around!

  47. Marny says:

    I’m so happy to see that Wendy is doing well! 🙂

    And of course, you rock and stuff.

  48. Gina Kegel says:

    Lol! Love it, as always! A little pissed that I haven’t won a giveaway yet, but I’m sure you’re just saving up a really, REALLY good one for me. So I’ll wait.

    Also, I’m glad to hear about Wendy. I was just wondering about her the other day. Pretty random, I know, but hey. That’s me. And that’s why I get you.

  49. Jocelyn says:

    I always read your posts super slow.. That way I can laugh for as long as possible while I wait for the next post. I laughed so loud, my boss came to check on me. Then we both laughed. I love it.

  50. Michelle says:

    That was quite simply a beautiful post.

  51. Katie says:

    Laughing for the rest of the day! Thank you once again!

  52. Janette says:

    It was the wine that made them poop! Kids KNOW when you are relaxed. They sense the second your muscles start to relax into the chair or couch and do something..ANYTHING to get you out of that comfortable couch. 😀 When my son naps, I always cringe when I get a snack and soda and sit down, because I KNOW he will call me in for something important like ask why ladybugs get to poop outside and he doesn’t.

  53. Michelle says:

    I’m so glad to hear about Wendy – that was my first thought. My next was, my daughter is in for a treat. My next thought was, how did that boy cover the diaper so perfectly? And why did you copy write the picture? 😉 (I’m married to a patent attorney. I know.) Finally, my thought is, a child NEVER poops just once.

    My kids are in their 20s. Experience – I haz its!

  54. Cindy says:

    Now that’s a good friend! Poops are always the true testament.
    My friend left her toddler girl with my husband and our toddler boy while her and I took the babies with us to her dad’s auto shop to fix my car. My DH knows her daughter very well, but the one thing I remember he said to me was, “Oh god, I hope she doesn’t need my help in the bathroom.” She didn’t. He was much relieved.

  55. Cassi says:

    This totally makes me think of my friend Dannie and me! Get our families together, and we have nine kids, ages 10 mo. to 14 yrs. We stayed with her family for a time when my mother was in the hospital in their town, and Baby J (a bit younger at the time) was going through the “epic poop” stage. Practically every morning, about the same time, you could count on a diaper, the contents of which either exploded up his back, or ran down his legs to become a poo puddle beneath the bouncy seat–which he then gleefully bounced in, lol. Thanks for the memories! 🙂

  56. Alexis says:

    Glad to hear that Wendy is OK, I have thought of her before and was wondering how she was doing.
    Good point about Smartphones and strangers! I will have to tell that to my daughter tomorrow.

  57. Valeri says:

    I only now read your post about Wendy. How is she? Medical science is so close to making a breakthrough. I truly hope her quality of life is good enough that she can hang in there. All my to her.

  58. Lacy says:

    Love the poo diaper – now THAT is a crappy picture!
    Good point about the smart phones. I will also be having yet another stranger danger conversation with my daughter.
    Thanks for the update about Wendy. I’ve been thinking about her too. Glad she’s doing well and laughing a lot. 🙂

  59. wendy says:

    Thanks for the update on Wendy. I’ve been thinking of her. Give her a big hug from me, I’ve been in those sh**** cancer trenches too.

  60. Heather says:

    We clearly have the same damn toilet. No one feels my pain like you do. Thank you.

  61. Des says:

    I smiled at the picture of you drinking wine. But was nodding my head at your 9:30am comment. Yup…yup…

  62. Shellaven says:

    Onr more cheer for Wendy–glad to hear she is well and has maintained her sense of humor!

    LOVED reading how you were “running this shit like a preschool, yo!” It’s funny how sometimes adding a friend’s kid to the mix actually makes it easier on you.

    Obviously Wendy knows that only your best friend is good enough to leave your worst poop mess with! 😉

  63. Kara says:

    Oh wise one, you should receive a medal of courage and smart thinking. LOL on the wine graphic.

  64. Nickel says:

    that pic of the nappy/diaper?? THE BEST thing ever. so snorting funny. ah, i live for these posts.

  65. stella davis says:

    I will warn my kids about the very real dangers of smart phone weilding strangers just as soon as I stop laughing! Love your blog!

  66. grateful dad says:

    thanks for the update on wendy. life just seems to mean more.

  67. Rosie says:

    Such good news about Wendy! I’m so happy for her – and for you, her dear friend.
    I love your blog – but it must get boring hearing that day after day!;-)
    Rosie

  68. Robonanny says:

    My son’s most epic tantrum ever (age 4) was because he was tired, and culminated with the rant, at the top of his lungs “That’s _it_, I’ve had _enough_! I’m so fed up with you, Mummy, because _you_ won’t buy an iPhone so _I_ can play Angry Birds…!” A year later, guess what phone I have? 😉

    I’m so glad to hear Wendy’s doing ok… a smartphone’s a good tool to make life easier, but good friends make life _better_.

  69. Corinne says:

    Do you know how relieved I am that someone else uses semi-negative terms to describe their children? I use evil-5-year-old a lot, but most times I say the devil child for my youngest…

    More relieved that there are others drinking heavily before 9:30am
    😉

    “Toddlers will do anything for the opportunity to fling birds backwards.” ROTFLMAO!!!!!!

    Thanks for writing what I’m feeling thinking every hour of every waking moment 🙂

  70. Jen says:

    HILARIOUS! and totally right about the smart phones. I better teach my girls to never take phones from strangers.

  71. My husband and I like to call those North, South, East and West diapers. Gross.

  72. nikky44 says:

    Thank you so much for the good laugh!!!! I needed it!

  73. Betty says:

    Hilarious!! What a way to start my day! My boys still sleeping, having coffee…I know I have about 4 poops to change today!

  74. April says:

    Shortly after I read this, I had my own poop-covered diaper. It was a mess. But I got a chuckle out of it because of this. Haha

  75. Sarah says:

    You absolutely make my day with you blog!!! I have all the mom’s I work with hooked. Thank you for the laughs.

  76. Amber says:

    Ha!! I left my recently potty trained 3 yo at my parents house a few days ago….

    After announcing she had to “poop a really really big poop,” she proceeded to do her business and told them to, “say hurray!” She had them repeat this until she was satisfied with their level of enthusiasm at her work. Then coached them on how she wanted her butt wiped.

    You know, a routine potty visit for a preschooler.

  77. Karla says:

    Love this one. I think I almost burst out laughing in my class when you were lounging at 9. I knew it was coming, yet it was so funny. I seriously love this blog.

  78. erica says:

    “Don’t Poop.” As if that isn’t going to give you some sort of complex. I still can’t poo in public places.

  79. Amanda S. says:

    I just found your blog and I LOVE it! So funny! This story reminds me of the time I was babysitting for a friend. She has two boys and a younger daughter who was about two. Well the younger one likes to “paint” with poop. So while I was washing dishes from dinner, trying to treat her house and dishes nicer than I would my own, one of the boys came to tell me about the poop on their bedroom floor. Well not only was it on the bedroom rug, it was also on the bedding, on the bedroom door, on the wall, along the floor leading to the living room, and finally there were lots of little poop-prints marching around her cream-colored shag throw rug. It was EVERY-freakin-WHERE! Thankfully, since it was not my own kids, I was pretty well-humored about. I spent the rest of the night washing the little girl, gathering poopy laundry, wiping poopy walls and treating poopy stains on her beautiful rug… as opposed to screaming my head off, like I would have done if it was one of my own spreading poop all over the house!

  80. Michelle says:

    …which is why I am a bad friend and never offer to watch other people’s kids…..you rock!

  81. Jane says:

    YES!! Little buggers cannot fling a bird forward. Ever play Pirates vs. Ninjas vs. Zombies vs. Pandas? My toddler can fling those guys the correct direction and receive the satisfaction of total destruction.

  82. Angela says:

    Great news about Wendy!

    PS – Can you possibly have time to read all these comments??

  83. hermes says:

    I bookmarked it to my bookmark website listing and will be checking back soon.

  84. Amy Keffer says:

    I’m so glad we got a Wendy story–I literally was thinking of her and praying for her the other day and hoped you’d let us know how she was doing.

    Oh, hilarious story, too. 😉

  85. Jessie says:

    Oh my god I love this! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!

  86. Jen says:

    I just read this for the first time…..it’s memories like these that you will carry for a lifetime. I needed to laugh and smile after hearing the sad news. So glad she had you as a friend!!!

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