I’m in the kitchen putting dishes away and I hear Crappy Baby imitate a phone ringing. He’s got a phone call!
He often pretends to talk to people on the phone and it is usually very cute. So I peek around the corner and this is what I see and hear…
He says hello. I wonder who it is going to be this time.
Usually, he pretends to talk to relatives. He typically has very short and sweet conversations with them like, “When will I see you again? Okay, I love you too. Okay, bye!”
But this time, he says:
Chewbacca is calling? That’s so cool!
But Crappy Baby doesn’t seem to think it is cool.
Instead, he looks annoyed and says:
Chewbacca is having a tea party?!
And more importantly, why did Crappy Baby say he can’t go? I’d totally let him go.
I’m about to start asking questions, but Crappy Boy beats me to it:
Crappy Boy confirms the awesomeness that was on the phone.
Well this is new! Not only does Chewbacca have tea parties frequently, but Crappy Baby has already attended one.
But why doesn’t he want to go?
I mean, if Chewbacca invites you to a tea party, you should totally go.
Crappy Boy asks for clarification:
Cookies are how Crappy Boy measures the value of a party. All parties worth going to have cookies.
Parties without cookies are not really parties at all. They are just groups of people feeling disappointed.
Chewbacca’s party is lacking in the cookie department. Therefore, it is not worth attending.
Crappy Baby confirms this:
Crappy Boy laughs and I start to walk back into the kitchen.
But then Crappy Baby announces:
Chewbacca is calling back?
This time it is for Crappy Boy.
Crappy Boy shakes his head, waves his arms frantically and says “No!”
There is no way he has time for a cookie-less party.
Crappy Baby lets Chewbacca down again:
At this point, something comes over me.
I’m filled with emotions and I rush into the room before Crappy Baby hangs up:
I’ll go!
You might think I am doing this as a lesson in kindness for my kids. That I’m thinking about how I want them to handle a real child’s invitation. That I am modeling friendship and manners.
Um. You guys give me way too much credit.
This has nothing to do with them.
This is why I rushed into the room:
Poor Chewbacca!
I can just picture him sitting there on the other line, calling everyone he knows and nobody will come to his tea party! I love him! I will be his friend and have tea with him!
Crappy Baby tells Chewbacca that I want to come to his tea party.
He pauses for a moment and then looks at me and says:
I collapse down to the floor. Totally rejected.
Crappy Boy pats my back and they both try to make me feel better:
My disappointment is real and sincere. I can’t believe I’m too old for Chewbacca’s party.
He doesn’t know what he is missing. He doesn’t know how much fun I am at tea parties!
Wait. I have an idea!
If he doesn’t want me at his party I’ll throw my own damn tea party.
I suggest we have our own (better, of course, that is implied) tea party.
Crappy Boy questions the cookie status to determine whether or not he can attend.
Heck yeah, cookies are going to be there! Chewie dropped the ball on the cookies. I’m not going to make that same mistake. Everyone knows that cookies are the only fun thing at a tea party anyway.
So after unearthing some frozen cookie dough in the freezer and placing a tea kettle on the stove, we are well on our way to the best tea party ever.
Which in our family just means you drink tea while you eat cookies. As a group.
Which isn’t technically all that exciting.
However:
It is the best tea party ever.
At least of the ones I’ve been invited to.
———————
By the way, in this story we’re using the US definition of ‘biscuits’ here which are soft and puffy and dry and gross like an unflavored scone. Not the UK definition which is a cookie…or sometimes a salty cracker? Actually, maybe he meant ‘biscuit’ as a cracker, in which case never mind.
Now everybody is just confused and craving baked goods. Apologies.
We never did hear from Chewbacca again. I wonder if he got wind of our totally awesome tea party. (Chewbacca, you are invited to the next one! Do Wookiees like cookies? We’ll save some for you.)
Hold the phone, Chewie, Kelly just told me about Wookiee Cookies: A Star Wars Cookbook
Most people don’t appreciate the versatile depths of Wookiees. I mean, you’d expect C3P0 to have a tea party. Everything would be correct–after all, he is a protocol droid. But that sounds boring. So I guess that I’m just surprised that Chewbacca doesn’t throw better tea parties.
I know, right? Maybe Chewie was trying too hard. Attempting to be all proper and stuff. That is why he forgot the cookies.
HAHAHAH So funny. I just spent the last few months reading your whole blog. I normally don’t buy blog books, but I had to buy yours cause you’re awesome. Keep up the good work and stay funny.
Perhaps if your boys were introduced to the “Wookie Cookies” cookbook, they’d decide Chewbacca might have cookies at his tea parties.
I just bought it. I’ll lend my copy to Chewbacca when he comes over.
Can you get me Chewbacca’s number? I at least want to reassure him that if he will raise his tea-party age-limit, he will have an unlimited supply of (cough) fourtyish-year-olds who will be only too happy to bring their own cookies.
I’ll even bake.
Wookie tea parties are boring. But don’t miss the Wookie kegger. It’s a wild ride.
I think I went to a few of those in college…
Haha!! I was actually thinking the problem wasn’t the missing cookies (although those are certainly a plus when they are present!), but that they were drinking tea. Of course, it is a children’s tea party. I guess that means I only want to go to adult tea parties at this stage in my life! Maybe when and if my adult children ever get married and produce grandchildren for me to play with, I’ll revert back to tea, until then, give me a beer!
I’m really glad you added the ‘biscuit’ clarification at the end. I’ve always thought biscuits were an awful lot like cookies (and delicious!), but I’m from Canada. What you call a biscuit, I think I’d call a scone? Or is it just because my grandparents were British? Any other Canadians out there care to weigh in? What do you call a biscuit? Interesting…
Biscuits are softer/squishier than a scone. More like a roll.
I agree with Kari. I’m Canadian too, and when I think of a biscuit, I think of the baking powder biscuits that I make to eat with soup. They’re almost like a dinner bun, but more scone-like. Wow, this can get confusing. 🙂
I think our definition of biscuit changes depending on the situation. Biscuits can be scones, baking powder biscuits, or different kinds of cookies. I find the same problem with Chips. Potato chips, french fries, kale chips, etc.
THIS is a biscuit.
http://www.chick-fil-a.com/Food/Menu-Detail/Plain-Biscuit
Correct. This is the ONLY thing that is called a biscuit in the U.S.
And those fast-food kind which are made with lots of horrible fats are really really tasty in my opinion…
I know! But when Amber said dry and gross, I thought we must be thinking of different things because Miss B’s biscuits from the freezer section with butter and honey are “slap your mama” good! Yum!
I’m an Australian, the soft things without flavour are scones here (lathered with jam [jelly] and cream, traditionally), and biscuits are like cookies – flat sweet things with various flavours, such as choc-chip or ANZAC (oats, golden syrup, etc), and the salty things you have with cheese or dips we call crackers. Just to add to the confusion and carb cravings!!
American living in England….
Cookies are soft, delicious, big and satisfying. You can totally picture yourself eating the dough or eating them straight out of the oven. Your grandmother bakes cookies.
British biscuits are small, hard, and one dimensional in terms of flavour (my spell check automatically does that to me by the way). They come out of a box and robots without souls bake all the joy out of them. You wouldn’t eat one without tea to wash it down.
Savoury biscuits are crackers but there are no saltines.
American biscuits,like cookies, are big, soft, fluffy and warm. Butter melts right into them as though they were meant for each other. You could crawl into a biscuit and never want to come out. They pair well with gravy.
Scones are drier, denser (more dense?) and slightly sweeter and are amazing with cream and jam. They would not pair well with gravy.
British tea kicks lipton’s ass.
*The above opinions are held by me and are not representative of all Americans living in England or any other part of the commonwealth.
“…robots without souls bake all the joy out of them.” Hahaha!!!
The was the best, most comprehensive, and most awesome (awesomest?) comparison of biscuits, cookies, and crackers. Kudos. 🙂
I’m also a transplanted American in the UK, and to help clarify the biscuit debacle, we call them Southern Biscuits. These are the lovely warm baking powder biscuits I make to go with soup, or put on top of chicken casserole. I have a Southern Living Cookbook that I get the recipe from, hence the name for my kids. I make them when I’m homesick, and the kids fight to help. And on the cookie front, have you noticed that the Oreos here ARE NOT THE SAME. Lack of corn syrup, I guess. Kids don;t care, but I notice the difference. Sigh.
I think you’ve got it spot on!
I think jam is universal… oops, I mean international, I have no idea what they call preserved fruit of that consistency on Chewbacca’s planet.
From smoothest to coarsest, Americans call the stuff jelly, fruit butter, jam, and preserves. Jelly is made by jelling juice rather than cooking whole fruit, fruit butter is like jam but cooked until the fruit breaks down almost completely, and preserves have almost-whole fruit.
I know that jelly in Britain is flavored gelatine, usually molded and sometime with fruit – we call it jello here. What about the others, are fruit butter, jam, and preserves the same everywhere?
I’m a Kiwi living in Australia and down here there is just jam. No fruit butter, and ‘preserve’ is usuallly used to refer to things that are like jam but not made with traditional jam ingredients like raspberries – ie quince preserve; pomegranate preserve. And then there’s marmalade….
We call them Cookies.. Biscuits here in Australia. Scone is a Scone, A roll is a roll. Cookies we call the “American” word for Biscuits. It be the same the U.K.
I love you, your writing, your family and your tea party.
I loved everything about this. I would have loved to have been invited to Chewbacca’s party.
“Parties without cookies are not really parties at all. They are just groups of people feeling disappointed.”
Great line–I hope that one ends up on a t-shirt. Or at a cookie store, at least.
I second this motion!
I third this motion . . . motion passed.
all in favor of a T shirt, say Aye!
Aye!!
Aye!
Aye!
Aye
Aye!!!!!!!
Yeah! That line had me LOLing for real!
You DO have a store, right? There should be a T shirt in your store with the crying wookiee, and this line. When you have that, I will buy one!
Yes, changes are happening on the storefront…but that shirt will be made someday.
I mean, the motion passed and everything.
A little rationality lifts the quality of the debate here. Thanks for cotbiitunrng!
Your Chewbacca picture was not crappy at all. I could actually see the sadness in his eyes…it made me want to give him a hug.
This is a-freaking-dorable.
Love this post, you made my (lousy) day a whole lot better!!! Your kids are adorable!
Nevermind “If you give a mouse a cookie” Someone needs to write “if you give a Wookiee a Cookie”
Naw.. poor chewbacca
I want a wookie cookie!
Amber, this made my day. Thanks.
Ps I love you… I hope that’s, uh… Not weird or anything. 😉
Parties without cookies are not really parties at all. They are just groups of people feeling disappointed.
Hahaha!!!!!!
Chewbacca totally needs to come to your next tea party so he can see how it’s done. I didn’t realize that Wookies drank tea. I learn so much from reading your blog! 😉
That being said, I want to come to a Wookie tea party, or at least one at your house!
This is awesome, but I’m sorry, bisuits are “dry and gross” whaaaa? You are not eating the correct biscuits! And yes I am american and I know what a biscuit is!
Please send me biscuits.
Biscuits are soft and flaky and buttery and delicious. Mmmm…
I agree with Sara, but in your defense you were a Mid-Westerner and now you’re in California. You can’t be expected to know what a real biscuit tastes like until you have one from the Southeast US. As they say here in NC, “They’re so good, you’ll wanna slap your momma.”
I don’t know why they say that…
Awesome biscuits:
Flour, 4 handfuls (can be whole wheat, white whole wheat, white, or a mix)
Baking Powder, 2 decent pinches (or about 1t.)
pinch of salt
2 pinches of sugar (optional)
Mix all dry together
Cold Butter, 1 oz or so(1/4 stick)
Cut (or smoosh with your fingers) the butter into the dry exactly like for a pie crust (leave some lumps, don’t worry!)
pour over enough heavy cream, milk, buttermilk, think yogurt, or any other dairylike liquid to where you can mix the dough into a ball with your hands (about 1/2 cup, maybe a little more depending on the flour). If it’s super-crumbly or dry at the bottom add more.
Pat out the dough about 1 inch thick, cut into square or circles, bake at 375 for 20 minutes or until browned.
If they’re too wet you can also drop them by the spoonful like cookies. Also, you could add an egg with the liquid (makes it more like the texture of the kind you get with a bucket of chicken and less like a fruitless scone)
Best breakfast ever!
When you gotta be gluten and dairy free biscuits are sad things 🙁 (if I knew how to do the crying sad face, I would)
I am forced to be gluten-free and you’re so right about that! Gluten-free bread doesn’t resemble real bread at all. You make the crying face by putting a : + ‘ + ( = :'(
I like to party, not look arcielts up online. You made it happen.
I am GF (not by choice) I can’t master bread, but I have mastered drop baking powder biscuits!
I can TOTALLY see my 3 year old getting a tea party invitation on her toy phone and turning it down for lack of snacks. I would also totally go to Chewie’s party. I feel bad for him, handing out invites and getting turned down.
Oh God, I howled at the picture of Chewbacca!
Your Chewbacca drawing confirms what I suspected all along: you CAN draw! But I suppose “parenting illustrated with perfectly adequate pictures” doesn’t have the same ring to it…
Love the blog, makes my day brighter. 🙂
I live overseas and my daughter is learning 2 languages. As a result, she made up some of her own words for body parts because she just couldn’t understand what belonged with what.
You guessed it, girls have a front ‘wookie’ and a back ‘wookie’. Unfortunately now that she’s 6 and has an *almost* 3 year old sister that she’s taught the word to, neither of their parents have the same wonderful association with the word that we used to. *Sigh* (and that sigh was filled with longing for only Star Wars Wookie-filled memories and associations with that word!)
Reading your post, though, made me feel a little better…
Clearly wookies are better than cookies. Here’s proof:
http://www.annieink.com/2011/12/if-you-give-man-wookiee.html
Just look how excited Han is.
You should write that book!!!
I laughed. I cried. I developed mad cravings for a biscuit.
“Parties without cookies are not really parties at all. They are just groups of people feeling disappointed.”
ROFL! I love this commentary!
meanwhile, I also love biscuits! flaky, warm, buttermilk biscuits! and scones! I would totally go to Chewy’s tea party if he was serving biscuits. if they were fresh. and I was invited. but I’m a grownup. So I guess I’m not. :/
The idea of all of Chewbacca’s friends turning down his invitation makes me sad, too. I’m glad you considered the crying wookie.
Also? “Crying Wookie” would be an awesome name for an emo band.
That is the best crappy picture I’ve ever seen of Chewbacca. I’ve always had a soft, fuzzy spot for him. And now I want to go to his tea party!
Chewbacca doesn’t bake cookies because he is afraid they will have hair in them, and cookies with hair is worse than no cookies at all…tea is easier to do without hair getting in it.
Poor thing. Needs a full body hair net. Like one of those fishnet stocking bodysuits. That might work.
LOL…it just might! ewww..the thought of furry cookies is kind of making me feel gaggy…
Are fishnet body stockings an actual thing? Why?
Oh, indeed, they are real. Ask your husband why ; )
Ohmygosh I am DYING over here! Chewbacca in a fishnet stocking bodysuit…!!! My two year old son just came over to make sure I was OK. He’d totally go to Chewy’s tea party. Cookies or no.
I don’t know or care who Chewbacca is, and I STILL loved the story:)
How is that even possible? *gasp*
See, I was totally feeling sorry for poor Chewbaca too, being all rejected like that. So glad you rushed in to save his feelings…bummed that he pulled the kids only thing, though.
Absolutely love this!!
I would suggest to Chewbacca a B.Y.O.C. policy 😉 Maybe he’s just not a baker.
We attended an dear friend’s 30th birthday brunch a couple of weeks ago. I asked my 4 year old did he have a fun time? He told me “It was just a good party mumma, there was no party bags”
Mr 4 judges a party by the quality of the party bag…I am sure he wouldn’t attend a cookie-less tea party either.
Smart kids… they just duped you into serving them cookies! The Force is strong with those two.
Haha!! True story!
It’s only a real party if you have Party Rings. Fact.
Omigosh! The picture of chewie crying….LOVE IT!! I’d go to a 40-ish-something chewbacca tea party…cookies or not! 🙂
The picture of Chewbacca crying is the best Crappy picture of all time!
I heard the dark side had cookies, maybe that’s why Chewbacca didn’t have any.
This may very well be your best post ever. Granted, there have been many that had me laughing until I cried, which I appreciate more than I can say. But the combination of hilarious here with our own poignant loss of childhood, and the cookie party resolution. I just love it!!!
So you totally need to have a friend dress up in a chewy costume and knock on the front door one day and then invite him in for tea and cookies!
I don’t have any friends cool enough to do that. I need to get better friends!
This post is just super super super cute.
Wait, why didn’t you call chewbacca back and invite him? 🙂 loved the story, i was actually reading each next bit with baited breath…..
This is now my 5 year old’s favorite story.
All I can say is this made my day. Well that and I REALLY want to go to Chewie’s tea party cookies or no!
I wish my kids were half as adorkable as yours!
I’m with Kelly! I have the Star Wars Cookbook and Wookie Cookies are a favorite in our house! C’mon over, Chewie!
In Australia biscuits are what you call cookies. There is no word in our version of English to describe those things you call biscuits *shudder*. However I have noticed a trend towards ditching our English (convict) roots in the more frequent use of “cookie”, and “frosting” (previously icing). Some poor sod even used the word “wildfire” in a news broadcast once (we have bushfires here) but was peremptorily silenced with indignant howls of “unAustralian” and disappeared from the news service.
Huh, I thought “frosting” was more British. I’m in the US and “icing” is the more frequent term.
Technically, in the U.S., frosting is the fluffy stuff that you put on a cake. Icing is more of a thin glaze. But many people tend to say icing when they mean frosting. http://national-cookie-network.com/frosting-vs-icing/
Excellent post! And THIS is a shining example of why we all love you and vote for you!!! Thanks for sharing :”)
So, basically, your kids just Tom Sawyered you into baking them cookies? Well played boys, well played.
Maybe wookies tea parties are needing some spice. Like allspice. In, ya know, cookies. I bet pumpkin spice cookies would be a hit at a wookie party.
I really, really love this and want to know more about Chewbacca’s previous cookieless tea parties. Also loving “do wookies like cookies?”!
I am laughing so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is hysterical. Love love love…
Ok. Between the post and some of the comments I seriously laughed so hard I almost peed myself.
So, when I went to Scotland, everyone’s biscuits were not cookies OR crackers. Everyone hauled out a big ol’ container of candy bars and said, “Want a biscuit?” and I felt all good about taking one, because, I mean, they were BISCUITS! 🙂
Choccy biccies? I’m Scottish (although I’ve lived in Japan for 9 years) and basically anything is a biscuit. Digestive, rich tea, kit kat….
This post is adorable! Can’t wait for my child to play with the phone talking!
Best. Mom. Ever.
This might just have been the cutest thing I’ve ever read.
I’ve had these moments too, where I find myself emotionally invested in some elaborate imaginary play my 3 y/o has come up with. I snap out of and laugh at myself, but I also like to think of it as a sign that we still have imagination as adults, even if it’s harder to access at times.
About 5 years ago, my husband and I went to our local sci-fi convention, just for a laugh. There was a “Dinner with the stars” where you paid an inflated price to eat at East Side Mario’s while the “stars” in attendance rotated through the tables.
The guy who played Chewbacca was there. He didn’t go to any of the tables, but sat by himself and spoke to no one. At the end, a little boy, around ten, went up to speak to him. He seemed to brush the boy off and refused to give him an autograph, as he only autographs pictures that he charges for.
Lost a lot of love for Chewie that day.
Brilliant post!
I’m thinking your next project should be a children’s book: Cookies for Wookies.
Thats a not so crappy picture of chewbaca. I am impressed!
Oh my gawd, you’re the best mom everrrr!! I aspire to be as creative and playful as you!
I would totally goto ANY party Chewbacca invited me to. And I own the Wookie Cookie book 🙂
I like your cookie motto about parties. I would go to your tea parties.
I personally like to use Julia Child’s motto to describe parties :
“A party without cake is just a meeting”
And no one likes meetings.
This has to be one of your funniest posts ever… I laughed so hard the entire time I was reading!
Get yourself out of la la land on a plane to boston. Go to sweet cheeks. You will never call a biscuit gross again. And yes I said Boston. It has been voted the best on the planet by southerns.
I think is my favorite thing ever posted on here.
I’ve just made some biscuits (we’re English) and the agent is sitting eating them with a mug of tea. We’re feeling pretty happy and so having seen your dear post, I feel a great bond over the ocean.
You, Crappy Boy & Crappy Baby are totally right – Chewy dropped the ball.
My daughter wanted a tea party for her 8th birthday this weekend. She blew out the candles on the cake, and then she served tea and all the savories while I cut the cake. Which takes me a while. One of the younger kids (we like tag along siblings) had this distressed look on his face, like he just knew the whole blowing out candles thing was just a trick and started in with “this party is boring.” Of course it was practically whispered, and his mum was right there about to correct him, but I had this sudden image of your drawing of Chewbacca in my head as I rushed to get him the first piece of cake thinking, “No, no! We’re not THAT kind of tea party! We have cake!” I laughed at myself and it totally broke my stress over making sure the party went well. Which is good, because hosting for my kids is usually the most stressful thing I can do. I’m not usually a control nut (mostly because I’m so rarely in control of anything in my life) but everyone MUST have fun if my kids are involved. Or, you know, I could breathe and let them figure it out.
I just wanted to let you know I just found your website and have been reading your stories, laughing to myself like a crazy person while my husband is watching TV and occasionally looking at me like I am insane. I tried to expalin to him your hilarious stories but I don’t think he gets it lol. It’s a Mom thing : ) So anyway you are too funny and I am ordering your book asap!! Thank you for making me laugh so hard and making your stories so relatable!!
Articles like this really grease the shafts of knoeeldgw.