Sometimes a sharing and learning moment arises from a single question and we have a really insightful talk. I relish these talks. I love seeing Crappy Boy connect the dots of his universe.
These conversations happen often. He asks profound questions that blow my mind. Kids are neat.
This was a recent “important topic” talk. It didn’t go exactly like the others. It went like this…
It starts with a question:
It doesn’t matter what the question is or what the topic is. You can insert any important topic you like.
It could be the meaning of life, how babies are made, cultural relativism or why Anakin turned to the dark side. Whatever “important topic” means for your family.
Anyway, he asks me a big question. A wide door leading to his hungry mind is flung open. I can put some good stuff in there!
So I get to work:
I begin explaining at his level so he will understand. I make it interesting! I use examples! I create descriptive pictures so he can visualize it!
I even intersect the important topic with his personal life! He can relate to this! I’ve made it real!
I am so good at this.
Next, I will involve him, pull him into the conversation.
I will ask him a question to both gauge his understanding of the material and to deepen our discussion:
It is a good question. Open-ended. There isn’t a right or wrong answer. I’m seeking his personal thoughts on this important topic.
The question is something along the lines of “What do you think?”
He pauses for a moment. He must really be taking this all in! Carefully weighing his thoughts.
I have really reached him. I’ve really made him think!
I can’t wait to hear how he perceives this topic.
Then he speaks:
Wait. What?
Confused, I stumble and start to repeat the question. Surely, he just misheard that one part. He just needs clarification about the question.
Oh.
——————
Experts say that even when kids don’t seem to be listening they really are retaining quite a bit.
I don’t trust statements that use the phrase “experts say” to strengthen validity because experts also say that people are full of shit.
(Constipation is a modern epidemic.)
I get to be the first to comment? This has never happened! My daughters (7 & 9) do this sometimes. Just like you I think I’m doing such a good job explaining something and they aren’t even listening! So funny!
my son always says “what did you say” and he’s very smart, so I think smart kids must want us to repeat ourselves so they can be even smarter, right?
BTW, I loooove your blog. 🙂
I love your thinking, Wendy!
I haven’t reached this stage yet with my son, but I think now I’m looking forward to it – for those times that he does actually listen 🙂
Star Wars! Now that is an important topic in my house.
Star Wars is also an important topic in my house and I am frequently asked why Anakin turned to the dark side.
The sad part is that there IS no good answer to that question. Someone needs to explain that one to me first, because there is no good reason. My nephew asked me this one and I tried explaining it, but…??
There would have been a good answer if the movie had been written better. Sad, sad loss, because instead of discussing good vs. evil I end up monologuing about moviemaking. Glazed eyes all around.
The reason Anakin turned to the dark side is because of FEAR. He was afraid to trust that everything would be alright and he turned to the dark side in order to try to control his destiny!
Ah yes…I was recently asked who Obi Wan Kenobi’s father was. Errrrr…ummm…ask you father!
Heh. I had an “ask Dad about Star Wars” moment recently. My son could not sleep one night until I told him who was in charge of the empire before Darth Vader. So I said, ask your dad. His Dad came in and was all like, *stroking beard* “technically, there was no empire yet…” and it just got deeper from there.
May the fourth be with you! Haha, get it? Happy Star Wars Day!
This made me think of something similar that happened about a year ago with my son, he was four at the time. He asked me, “Mom what kind of bird lays a blue egg?” I was just starting to ponder how to talk to him about robins, eggs, the life cycle of a bird, spring, birth ect., when suddenly he interrupts my frantic thought process with: “A sad chicken!”
A JOKE! I was NOT expecting a joke! 🙂
Ha! I love this!
HAHAHAHA!!! Fantastic!
lol, this is great!
Ha, ha 😉 CUTE
Haha! 🙂
I love love love your blog too!
Ha! Awesome 🙂
Awesome.
Love it! My daughter did something similar to me once, driving home from school. She said to me with all seriousness “Mum, it takes 3 sheep to make a sweater”, and I’m thinking ‘ok, she must have learnt this at school today, better reply with an oh-ok i’m so interested sound . . ‘ and then before I could do anything she says “And I didn’t even know they could knit!”. A joke. I totally fell for it – such great delivery 🙂
It seems our kids grow up faster than we are ready for them to! I love those little surprises that come with being a parent!
some day this conversation will come back and you will find out just how well he did listen. Kids are very smart ….
YEP.
I usually get “I had a big poop today.”, from my 4 year old boy, when I try to explain something complex. Alas, I keep trying..
You are truly blessed, because he is sharing his life with you 🙂
Hmmm this sounds more like a serious conversation with my husband.
Mine too. At least the part where it ends with “I’m hungry”.
Mine usually ends with “I had a big poop today”…
Hahaha!!
LOL!!!
Or ‘I had a dream I was Spiderman last night’. Sometimes Superman. I get that a lot.
Yes! My 5 year old makes everything in the world relative to some superhero!
My husband is the same!!!
They never really grow up!
OMG. I feel you. We have those ‘he’s getting it’ type sessions followed by several days of him doing the opposite of whatever it was we were talking about doing in the first place. (Golden rule is my favorite – treat people the way you want to be treated)
The Boy will listen, say he understands. No, he would not want to be treated that way (hitting, calling names, whatever). Yes, it would hurt his feelings. (WOO HOO, I am getting through).
Followed by…
“Let’s fight!” or “Boogerface.”
*sigh*
That’s a boys way of rebooting! Deep down though, he gets it. Your rewards will come later 🙂
Ah and he is also learning how to tell you what you want to hear so you will shut up! It’s a sideways maneuver! Mean he’s clever!
Yes! All that brilliant effort and then you don’t know if they even heard a single word! I fear there is more of this to come as they get older.
That sounds exactly right! My son actually asked me earlier today “Is this Santa`s house?” as we passed our flyers in the community….I tried to explain where Santa lived and then noticed him picking his nose while starting at a worm on the driveway. Kids!
How odd that you would mention cultural relativism! I am taking an ethics class and just finished that chapter. While I was reading, my daughter (3) asked me what I was “reading about” and told me to “read the book with talk” (out loud). I humored her for a while, then tried to stop and she begged me not to! I had to read that dry old text for about 30 minutes before she was satisfied. I wonder how much of that she retained? 😉
Lol. My son did that a few days ago with my biology book. He brought it to me and said “read book,” but he didn’t last nearly as long as your daughter. Lol.
Yeah, half an hour shows real staying power and a long attention span! You should be really proud 🙂 My teenagers now roll their eyes and walk away from me as soon as they can, so enjoy those moments when your kids want to be with you, no matter how tiresome, because they don’t last for ever and then they are gone!
Nothing. She wants to hear your voice. You might as well be singing Focus’ “Hocus Pocus”. (Look it up.)
My favorite thing is when I start to give my awesome mom explaination to the question, I see the eyes glaze over and after a minuite its “Mom, I know.” Well then why did you ask? lol oh kids
I LOL’d at the constipation bit at the end. And Star Wars reference, points for that.
How many points am I up to?
I’ve lost count.
congratulation, +500 internets!
This happens ALL the time at my house. I remember one time specifically where I was explaining something to my son, then age 3. He was staring at me wide eyed and I could just tell he was understanding everything I was telling him. I ended my explanation and there was a pause before he said “Mommy . . . your eyes are brown.”
That is hilarious!!!!!
ha! That’s too cute!
That happened to me once, but with a guy. I don’t remember what I was telling him, but I was so impressed that he was really listening, he thinks I’m interesting! Then, “Hey, I just noticed, your eyes are really blue” … Oh, yeah, they are.
I think it must be a male thing. My husband has a tendency to drum up an interesting topic, and after I express my thoughts, he remarks only to ask, “What did you say?” and as I start up again, he walks to the fridge and mumbles about hoping we have something to eat.
*Sigh* At least my 2 year old daughter appreciates my teaching moments – for now anyway.
*Laughs* I agree, it must be a male thing, not a kid thing.
My fiancé is the same way. I’ll go on about some philosophical concept for a while and he’ll look like he’s kind of listening.. and he’ll even ask for a clarification… and then when I’m finished he’ll be like “so what do you want to do for dinner?”
At least your husband pretends to listen at first. If I throw in a “big” word. Mine says “you’ve lost me, that’s too complicated” and does his best to change the subject!
You know, deep down, that he just wants you to agree with him, think him fascinating and amazing and then feed him and give him sex. He doesn’t actually want your opinion at all, never has and never will. Love him, feed him and look for your intellectual stimulation elsewhere, honey and you will be a happy wife 🙂
Actually I’ve noticed my four year old asks “what did you say” when he heard but just didn’t fully understand – it’s usually on those big subjects. He just can’t quite take it all in. I think they at least get some of it…I hope I’m not just talking cuz I love the sound of my own voice…
Lol! I’ve found my 5 yr old does the same thing! Asks what I said then he’s looking for clarification. I’ve always explained things to him so I’ve also learned his cues (fidgeting, looking away, yawning…) and I try to wrap it up at that point before I lose him.
He he. My husband tries to answer my kids’ big questions with lots of information (he can’t help but get over-excited about being able to share his – ahem – wisdom). My daughter’s most irritating habit is to interrupt him – absolutely mid-flow – with something completely unconnected. He always looks so affronted and surprised when this happens. I try not to laugh. I mean, that’s just rude, right?
This is me! I know better but I just can’t help myself.
Now this is a good man, trying very hard to be a great dad, who keeps getting knocked down by a girls natural ability to outmaneuver him! Give this man a big hug, he deserves it!
when my 4 year old asks “what did you say?” I am often left wondering if a) he wasn’t listening, b) I spoke to fast or mumbled (frequent occurrence), c) he’s pretending not to get it so he doesn’t have to do whatever it is I asked, d) he spaced out/got distracted by the worm on the sidewalk as another mom put it, e) he’s buying time to process the complex information, or f) he’s pulling my leg/testing me to see how many times he can get me to repeat myself…
Answer: all of the above!
“Constipation is a modern epidemic.” CLASSIC!!
I LOVE YOUR BLOG, AMBER! You rock!!
Man, I can’t count how many times I’ve had to explain why Anakin turned to the Darkside.
My boy just can’t wrap his brain around that one at all> I would think it would be easier for him though because he is quite capable of being nice and sweet and then turning into a big jerk. It’s essentially the same.
My nearly 4 year old daughters answer to whatever important thing I say to her: OK, Mami. (i can’t stand the “oh, yes, you’re boring me”, tone of that)
Actually, I think your daughter might be spot on!
My daughter is only 4 1/2 months, so I still haven’t gotten to the full glory of parenthood, but I feel like you are preparing me bit by bit. Also, you’re absolutely hilarious.
I look forward to these listening problems. Right now, I have a 20-month-old who likes to pretend he doesn’t understand when I ask him to do something. He, too, is constipated. Well, at least I’m pretty sure he’s full of it.
Ah yes. Or the follow-up question that shows he hasn’t taken it in properly.
eg, after walking through a graveyard and explaining about burial and cremation:
“Mummy, why do we cook dead people?”
ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! oh, children are the original comedians!
Ha!
Oh he’s listening… your just miss translating “man talk”. They learn it at a very early age! “what did you say” = “Thats not the answer I was looking for” and “I’m hungry” = “Good talk Mom, Thanks for the answer, I’m hungry”
Yes! I think you’ve got it!
Count yourself as lucky. My 4 year old probed me with difficult questions about death for MONTHS after an acquaintance died. She found all the holes in my theories as well. She is still asking me “where was I BEFORE I was in your tummy?”
Your little one sounds very deep. Good luck answering that one!
I had that discussion with my daughter when she was 2, 3, and 4. The first year it was that the mommy part of her was in a little egg inside of me. At three we discussed sperm and eggs and cellular division. At 4 she wanted to know specificly how the sperm and egg got together to make a baby. I told her that it was really magical and I would explain it to her when she was 8. She turns 8 this summer….. sigh
I like your answer! It really IS magical…but doesn’t seem so when explained scientifically…good luck!
OH I totally understand that!! It happens all the time. My five year old will ask something, I feel like I’m doing such a good job explaining everything… and then the “what?” moment comes. *sigh*
And constipation *IS* a modern epidemic. *snicker*
I get this, but Master 3 appears to be listening. When I have finished he waits about 2 minutes and then asks me the SAME question
Sigh…. Im so over this at the moment, you spend ages explaining something only to get asked the same question 5 seconds later.
What did you say is a very common phrase in my house. On both sides. To think all the wisdom we’re both losing if only we could understand each other!
This reminds me of my job teaching math to teenagers.
Totally. “And that’s a parabola, any questions?”
“Can I go to the bathroom?”
My almost 5yo asked me if we could visit my grandma while pointing to her picture. I said “she died a long time ago.” At the time I didn’t realize the flood gates of confusion I had just opened and existential dilemmas to follow. He replied “she’s DEAD?!” Since then there’s been a lot of talk about death, dying, hospitals, and killing (he brings it up, not me). Not surprisingly, I got a note home from his teacher that he told another kid (jokingly) “I’m gonna kill you” while playing. He even pretends to be dead when we play, which I can’t stand! I really hoped we could have a spiritually charged and meaningful conversation about death over a squished bug some balmy evening – but alas…this has gone of in a direction I can’t seem to control.
Ive never had this happen to me with my girls. Only with my son. I think boys just have that natural instinct to tune people out when it’s a possible learning topic. My son comes out with “mommy I’m too tired right now” in the middle of the conversation. And he normally gets a “that’s fine all you have to do is listen” and I keep explainning. It’s a true fact that even if they aren’t paying attention that they retain the information.
I have also taught my kids basic baby sign language to try and help their little brains grow.
So funny. My 3 yr old was looking at a road atlas & asked where we live so I go into my explanation of our town, state & country & he really seemed to be taking it all in. I was so impressed with his awesome curiosity & my awesome teaching skills. At the end he looks at me & says “so where does the muffin man live”.
On Drury Lane!
Ten points for Betty! lol
I love it! This is what my almost 3yo daughter does – stick to the original topic – but go off on a completely random tangent!
oh they’re listening… we get the “what did you say?” and the “I dunno” response to “did you hear me?” Then moments later, they’ll repeat EXACTLY, right down to the proper INFLECTION, what they WEREN’T supposed to hear… oh yes. they’re listening. make no mistake. and someday they’ll be saying all this blah blah blah to THEIR little brain damaged doodles!
This reminds me of the time I had the “big talk” with my oldest son about how I was going to feed the baby on the way (I was going to breast feed). I gave this whole long speech and at the end of it I asked him what he thought and he replied “Boobies”.
LOL! In this boat right now. Expecting a baby, and I told my son, rather ungracefully, that I will feed the baby with my breasts and milk will come out of my nipples. He said “out of your NIPPLES?!” Ok, now I’ve freaked him out, or not, I can’t tell.
My nearly 5 yr old saw me expressing milk for our newborn for the first time yesterday… the look on his face was priceless!
No THAT is what my husband distills from conversations.
I know my husband ignores me when I try to discuss something in which he has no interest. If I randomly say ‘boobies’ in the middle of a sentence he actually looks up and pays attention to the conversation. Works every time.
I should try that.
I swear they take it in! You didn’t waste your time because you planted the seed of knowledge and he will eventually connect his universal dots when all the stars are properly aligned for him.
I stopped my kids (4 and 5) when they were on the way to play in the back yard and gave them a very long lecture about strangers, what to do if a stranger is in our yard, etc etc etc. They listened intently as I droned on about stranger dangers for a full five minutes. At the end, I’m so proud that they stood still and actually listened to me. So I ask them “ok, say someone we don’t know pulls up in our driveway and says “hey kids, I have some leftover valentine candy you have!’ what would you do?” both boys immediately respond with “Go get the candy!!!! Yay candy!”
I was so disappointed. I said “guys, we just talked about this!” And boy 2, still confused says “we shouldnt take the candy because it’s from valentines day and it could be old and yucky, right?”
Sigh. Yep, that’s it.
Try again tomorrow.
That’s hilarious. On the bright side, they did get the message of not eating expired food!
I’m so glad you shared this, Ashley! A very similar conversation happened months back (although yours is funnier!) and I’ve been meaning to share it but I forgot all about it.
I am so guilty of this, even now. I keep thinking when my 15 yr old says something or asks something, we can have this long drawn out interesting amazing conversation. She’s so smart, and funny and we can have great converations!! Yeah – umm, forgot she’s a teenager. Usually I get the eye roll and “Mom – it was just a question, I don’t need your life story” or something like that. Usually, the shorter the answer and the less I actually speak, the better….
Yup. We’re there, too. I will often get “do I have to stay and hear the whole thing, because I have a lot of homework to do…”. Which, of course, appears to be the ONLY time they have lots of homework to do.
Before my Mum can start the ‘waffle’ I say “the short version please!”
My dad and I have had many conversations about things he said when he thought I wasn’t listening. I have remembered them all. He now says he wishes he’d been more careful about what he’d said in front of and to me. “I had no idea you’d remember so much.”
ha!! my problem is that my son insists he’s listening to me, even though he’s making more noise than I am, not looking at me, and can’t tell me what I just asked him, even when it’s as simple as “did you wash your hands?” that selective hearing crops up early…. *sigh*
My babies are 18, 20, 22, and 24. They have been cracking me up for decades, and I really enjoy your writing. How your children will become like you: When my 24yob was a college freshman, he brought a friend home for Thanksgiving. His friend met me, my mom, and my grandma.
Friend: “Wow! The women in your family look so young! How do they do it?”
Son: “Oh… parenting by sarcasm. They just keep getting better at it, too, so each generation actually *looks* younger than the previous generation!”
Friend: “Amazing!”
Family: ::rolling eyes, suppressed giggles::
ha ha!
My two and a half year old has already started this. He asks, I answer and he says “huh?” when there obviously was no studdering, concision or room for misinterpretation.
Men.
My 17 month old son does this too – anytime I ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do he replies with a “huh?”. *sigh* It’s going to be a long ride.
There’s a phrase I use with my friends: it’s dark in a cave.
One time, when my Big Girl was around 3, I had an “important topic” discussion with her. Eerily similar to yours (I just can’t draw half as well to illustrate it). At the end, the lightbulb moment, when I just know she’s giving my explanation her most thoughtful reflection, she looked at me, sincere introspection shining in her eyes.
“Mommy?” she said.
“Yes?” I answered, knowing this would be awesome.
“It’s dark in a cave.”
That is an AWESOME story. And I love that the phrase is now part of your lexicon.
My favorite is , “I don’t want to talk about this anymore” Then you are pretty much DONE.
My son and I had a similar big life, exsistential discussion as we passed by a cementary, he is 2 almost 3.
Son: Mommy, what IS this place?
Me: It is a cemetary.
Son: What is that?
Me: Well… (20 minute discussion of death and burial ensues, a two-way discussion complete with wondering questions as to not lead him in a certain direction, but allow him to come to conclusions on his own).
Son: Okay, Mom. I want to be the Beast and die when I’m six and then you can kiss me and I’ll be a prince. Then, I’ll have cookies with God.
Me: Wha??? You want to die when you’re 6?
Son: We need to get home to get some lunch.
Oh, how I love kiddos! And love your site! You always manage to post about something that just happened in my family and it takes a lot of Kegels to control my bladder!
Lol my 12 year old brother STILL does this!! (Not the “I’m hungry” bit) He will ask something and as you start helping him/ explain to him, he gets distracted by the TV, and next min its “Oh wait what?” grrrrr
My twin boys are 22 months and really beginning to explore (read destroy) their world. They point at stuff and say “Mummy?’ so I can explain it to them. For example Cameron “Mummy?’ pointing at a butterfly. Me ‘It’s a butterfly. Look, what a pretty butterfly. Its sitting on a flower. A red flower. Nows its flying away. Bye bye butterfly’ Cameron ‘No’ *sigh*
My son (5yo) always listens but doesn’t alway hear what I say for example; last night I asked him not to leave his toys out on the lawn overnight as they will get wet with the evening dew. He asked what that was so I went into a (pretty good I thought) description of what dew is. That evening when his Father got home from work my son ran up to his Dad to tell him all about why he can’t leave his toys out as they will get wet when the sky does a “Giant Spew”. I nearly died laughing!
Giant Spew!
I asked my 2.5 year old the other day if he wanted to split an apple with me. He got super excited, and when I handed him his half took a big bite, which he chewed up and then turned to spit it back out on the couch. Horrified, I said “Hey, what are you doing???” “Spitting apple, Mommy…”
Omy Goodness. I can NOT stop laughing!!!
I have a theory that sometimes they ask these questions not because they really want an answer, but because they need to know that we have an answer. Once we start talking, they know that we know, and that satisfies the need.
I love this.
I just want to say I look forward to all your posts! I loved this one!
Star Wars! Yes, why did he turn to the dark side? I’ve had that conversation with my son too many times.
at our house too….
My kids go right to completely unrelated things like I never said anything. In the car once my oldest once had a question about all religions, and I did my best ‘blah blah blah!’ to cover as much as I could, and then she smiled and said, “Look! A traffic light!” And we were done.
My friend and I have this same joke.
“What”?
“What did you say?”
these comments are required to be spoken when the other is telling a very important story.
But wait, why DID Anakin turn to the dark side?
funny…I have three daughters and none of them have asked why Anakin has turned to the dark side, lol
me too! i think girls tend to just accept these things more.
my 12 yr old has been overheard explaining to her younger sisters, “it’s just how it is” regarding so many things. it always just gets accepted.
“I’m hungry.” Yes, yes, yes. This is classic in my house! Thanks for the laugh!
The best part of this is at some future point, when they say, “I’ll never forget when you told me blah blah blah. It really had such a profound effect on me and changed the way I viewed myself.” The killer is that you don’t usually remember the quote because it was some toss-off comment you made while you were making dinner or trying to get off the phone. Those “I’m gonna really expand his mind” statements never seem to stick 🙂
You young mothers are wonderful and amazing and so insightful and fun!! I am 65 years old now and my three children are in their 30s; but NOTHING has changed! Kids still ask the same questions, seem to ignore the answers and then amazingly, 30 years later, spout the same wisdom and receive the same eye rolling non-sequiturs from their children. Isn’t life wonderful and fun?!?! Relax and enjoy your children — it goes SO fast!!
Oh my, I had to respond to this, because this is my four year old exactly! We’ve actually been talking recently about how it’s rude to ask someone a question and then not pay attention to their answer.
I do know he’s hearing me though, because days later I often hear him repeating what I said right back to me!
I may not be an expert, but I am a preschool teacher and I do get to see the minds of 20-ish children expand every year. And I can tell you that they ARE absorbing a lot, even when they don’t seem like they’re listening. I had a class whose first word they learned to spell was “OMG” because my co-worker said it to me in casual conversation a few times. They are listening!
Upon watching Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang, every time an adult was talking (wah wah wah wah), my kids would both look at me and back at the tv, eyes wide. I’m 100% sure they were thinking, “WOW! Mom sounds EXACTLY like that!” (yep, let my kids watch the occasional movie 😉 )
This is great.
I also have the ability to be distracted by a worm on the sidewalk, to go on tangents, and be hungry. I can’t help it – the world is so interesting, and it’s hard to concentrate when my stomach is rumbling.
Iirc from my childhood, the less words used, the better. I will ask questions to clarify my understanding, if I want to know more. Otoh I am only too pleased to show off how wise I am.
They only remember the stuff you don’t want them to!
You’re just so right on all of the time. what a pleasure to read your blog!!
I have to say I totally identify here. My son asks some of the most profound questions and I can be going on and on explaining the wonders of the universe and since I KNOW my son I will finish with “what did I just say?” I usually not always but usually get the last 5 maybe 6 words I said. BUT there are those moments when I actually manage to somehow make the answers sink in. I really need to research where that magical place is on a kid when things actually sink in. It would rock to figure that mystery out! LOL
Recently:-
Me: Do you think you get it now Darling?
Miss 5: I’m a bit confused.
Me: What don’t you understand my love?
Miss 5: It’s not that I don’t understand Mum, it just that I don’t know what you’re talking about”!
I had to run away to laugh in private.
We’re all full of it. Constipation just means that some is more solid than we’d like.
Dang, this very same thing happened to me at bedtime tonight. Twice, with the same conversation. That’s right, I fell for the first “what did you say?” moment and explained it again!!
I feel like all I do sometimes is visit parenting blogs and say “I’m glad it’s not just me,” but I’m glad it’s not just me.
Just about every conversation is like this at our house, made worse by the fact that my oldest is on the autism spectrum. He’s single-minded to a fault.
http://www.momintwocultures.com/2011/10/conversations-we-have-at-our-house.html
And there are these, too:
http://www.momintwocultures.com/2012/02/phalluses-and-other-inappropriate.html
You’re so right.
hahahah…I just stumbled upon your blog and it’s hysterical. My girl is 5 mos and can’t wait until she reaches this stage.
My easily distracted daughter does this SO often!