Sticky Situation (Non-Crappy Collaboration)

Next up in my October Crappy Collaboration* series is The Bearded Iris.

Her name is Leslie. She is funny. Like with a capital ‘F’. She strikes me as the type of person who could break a beer bottle on the bar and turn it into a weapon. I’m not sure why she’d need to do that. But I think she could do it.

*Crappy Collaborations are my way to share some of my favorite, funny parenting writers. They wrote the words, I drew the pictures. See the rest right here.

 Here is Leslie’s post, with my crappy pictures…

Sticky Situation, by The Bearded Iris

©2008, The Bearded Iris, All Rights Reserved. Images ©2012, Amber Dusick


True story.

Yesterday we took the kids bowling at one of those family arcade joints. We had a blast. My only complaints were that real bowling is way harder than Wii bowling and the place was crazy loud. Like Vegas. Bells, lights, chaos. It was “Cosmic Bowling” in black light…really hard to keep the 18 month old out of other people’s lanes, especially with his ball obsession. Also hard to keep track of the kids in the arcade. Especially three…they had us outnumbered.

So, I must confess, there were moments when one child was unsupervised, but never for long. It was like triage…always keep eyes or hands on baby, know the general vicinity of the middle child, hope the best for the first-born.

But overall, the kids did great. They played the games, won a gazillion tickets, traded them in at the goodie counter for some lead-based, petroleum derivative, made-in-China choking-hazards, and then we went home for dinner.

A couple of hours later, we were eating together and having a wonderful family discussion about politics and the upcoming election (go OBAMA!) Our 8-year-old son was truly engaged and asking great questions about the difference between democrats and republicans. Our 5-year-old daughter was hanging in there, trying so hard to understand our very basic explanation about taxes and helping others. And the baby, well, he was throwing his pieces of chicken onto the floor for the dog and pointing to his facial features shouting “EYE!  EA-OH (ear)!  NO (nose)!  MOW! (mouth).” It felt like our own modern version of a Norman Rockwell painting: the whole family, eating a nutritious homemade meal together, discussing current events. Ahhh…the good life. Well, a moment of the good life, anyway. It was suddenly interrupted when my 5-year-old daughter shrieked:

 Then she got up, ran into the bathroom, and slammed the door.

WTF? My husband and I looked at each other across the table like “you go,” “no, YOU go.” Then we heard her make a sound like an animal caught in a trap and I got up and knocked on the bathroom door.

So I gently pulled down her blue cotton Hanes skort and slowly tried to pull her little Hello Kitty panties away from her body. It was no good. They were indeed stuck to her. Stuck like glue.

I hadn’t given her gum in weeks! Not since the dentist appointment…the dentist appointment from Hell.

(long pause, eye shifting, here comes the lie)…

“From the floor of the arcade? A piece of gum that someone else chewed and spit out onto the floor?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Honey. (Ahem.) Did you pick up a piece of chewed gum off the floor of the arcade and stick it in your panties? Tell Mommy the truth. You aren’t in trouble, I just need to know the truth, ok?”

(HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING????? THIS WAS NOT COVERED IN MY PARENTING CLASS!!! MY CHICKEN IS GETTING COLD AND MY CHILD HAS A PIECE OF SOMEONE ELSE’S GUM STUCK TO HER TWAT!!!)

So I slowly pulled the fabric away from her skin and sure enough there was a HUGE pink wad of chewed up bubble gum stuck right to her little va-jay-jay. Right in front. Front and center. Oh for the love of GOD! I didn’t know what was the grossest part…the fact that it was a piece of gum chewed and spit onto the floor by a random stranger, or the fact that this wad of germ infested ABC gum was stuck to her sweet little beaveroonie.

Do not panic! Focus. I peeled the gum away from her skin as gingerly as possible. This was no easy task. It wasn’t like a Band-Aid…I couldn’t just rip it off. Her body heat had melted the gum and made it very gooey. I had to slowly peel it and then pick away at the little bits left behind. Poor little girl. The vulva is definitely not the body part you ever want to have your Mother picking away at. After what seemed like an eternity, I got most of it off; there was just a little pink sticky residue left, and that came off with the help of a little vaseline on a paper towel. (Got that? Try to get a tip like that from daytime TV! “Next on Rachel Ray: How to Remove ABC Gum from Your Vagina.”)

My poor sweet baby girl was rather embarrassed by the whole affair. I stuck her right into the tub and she said:

“That’s ok, baby. We all make mistakes.”

“Yes, sugar pants? I mean, yes gummy-bear, er, sweetie-puss?! DOH! Yes, honey?”

“No honey. I just want you to promise me something…promise Mommy that you’ll never pick up a piece of chewed gum again, OK? It is very dirty and germy and gross. You can get really sick from touching other people’s chewed gum. OK? And definitely don’t ever stick it in your panties again…K? Double gross.”

(long pause)

ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

—————-

Please visit The Bearded Iris for more hilarity. (Seriously, the links on her About Page alone are awesome. Explore it.) And of course like her on Facebook because she rocks.

 

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246 Responses to Sticky Situation (Non-Crappy Collaboration)

  1. Sukie says:

    @Leslie: Aw, poor thing. Glad she’s okay. You handled this awkward situation pretty well! :) And, please tell her, to never ever stick someone else’s gum in her mouth. ^^
    @Crappy mom: Love these crappy pictures!

    Greetings from Germany :)
    PS: Parenting over here is just as much fun xD

  2. Midwest Amy says:

    Freakin’ hilarious!!! Was totally LOLing during this entire post!!

  3. I am crying with laughter. Right out loud in the nurses’ office at my kids’ school where I am pulling sub duty! Oh my GOD, this is the best story EVER!!!-Ashley

  4. Kristi says:

    Oh the HORROR!! I can’t..I just…omg. I need to go rock in the fetal position until the thought of MY daughter doing this goes away.

    • Liz says:

      I was thinking ‘whew! Glad I got boys’ but then I thought ‘oh god I have boys’…this could very well happen to one of them easy!! So now I’m rocking in the fetal position as well, lol!!

  5. Wendy says:

    Yes, it is confirmed, I am sure she /could/ break a beer bottle and make a weapon. You are correct.

  6. Shannon says:

    Man oh man after the hairy Walmart fun I didn’t think you blog could get any funnier! Man was I wrong! So much win! Too funny!

  7. Andrea says:

    I am soooooo going to get fired for laughing so loud!

  8. Mandy says:

    OMG this had me giggling nearly all the way through (wincing too) lol!!! Amber, your pictures definitely enhance the story. This is too funny!!

  9. Jen says:

    Sadly, with two boys I will never get to utter “her sweet little beaveroonie” when discussing their privates in public forums, but I am SO glad to know that there are equally hilarious terms used for girl parts!

  10. Trish says:

    LOL this is hilarious! And Amber, you totally nailed the pictures. Love the apron detail on Leslie like her blog pictures.

  11. ElisaM says:

    OMG, I can’t imagine! I’m sure it wasn’t funny at the time, but I hope you were able to laugh about it later!

  12. Karin says:

    I LOVE The Bearded Iris and I LOVE you, so this was a match made in heaven! Fantastic! This is one of my all-time favorite Bearded Iris posts! Perfect.

  13. Adriane says:

    Hey thanks for the Vaseline tip!

  14. Jessica says:

    OMG! I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying!

  15. Elizabeth says:

    love Leslie’s apron! It i s a Rockwell painting – wholesome-chicken-dinner-complete-with-apron-wearing-mom! Then the abc-gum-in-the-panties vaults it into the 21st century.

  16. Nicole says:

    OMG, to be honest I may have taken her to the doctors for that one, or at least called!!!

  17. Melissa says:

    In the words of Lucy (from Peanuts), “Get hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some iodine!”

  18. Molly says:

    Literally laughing out loud while at work. I have boys, and they do some questionable and gross things too, but this is hilarious.

  19. Liz says:

    This was a killer collaboration, so frickin’ funny. Bearded Iris + Crappy Pictures is truly the bomb.

  20. This is rad. Great collaboration, Leslie and Amber.

    Also? So glad to see vaginas getting some equal billing. As my daughter said when she found out from whence babies come, “Go, VAGINAS!”

  21. Angela says:

    OMFG this was so funny, I’m dying laughing over here.

  22. Kayla says:

    Ah ha ha ha. Best. Laugh. Ever. Oh my goodness. bwa ha ha ha!

  23. Heather says:

    I couldn’t stop laughing during this whole post! It reminds me of the time when I realized my oldest son was chewing gum at the table at a restaurant when he hadn’t been chewing gum prior to going in the restaurant. Upon asking him where he got it, he pointed underneath the table and said “There’s more! Do you want some?”

  24. Emily says:

    Oh god. My 19 month old thinks “undies” is synonymous with “pocket.” Fortunately so far it’s only been random stuff from around the house. Yikes!

    • Lynann says:

      Have you ever seen the video on America’s Funniest Videos where the parents ask their little girl what’s in her underwear? She’s outside, and her underpants are clearly bulging. She’s about your daughter’s age I think, and she proceeds to pull out, one at a time, FIVE huge frogs! Man, I saw that probably 6 yrs ago and it has really stuck in my brain! I couldn’t decide if I should laugh or shudder.

  25. Janet says:

    Usually LOVE your posts… Did not appreciate the political opportunistic license she took on YOUR post(never noticed any political leanings on your site)OR the cursing and vulgar terms.
    I have often shown my children, ages 9 and 11, many of your posts and we’ve all found them funny and amazingly similar to many incidences in our lives. They repeat some stories many times, and we appreciate the laughs again and again. I am sorry you found this appropriate to post under your name. Disappointed :(

    • liz says:

      Oh, get over yourself. If Crappy Momma put the post up she was obviously okay with it.

      Also, if you are reading these posts to your kids you are an idiot.

      • Michele says:

        I love you Liz. I had just finished wiping the laughter tears away & now have to do it again.

      • Elizabeth says:

        calling people idiots on the internet for sharing some laughs with their kids. very classy.

        Janet, I agree with you. I like my humor websites free of political stances, Republican or Democrat. It’s a bit tasteless as it could never give justice to either belief system.

        Oh well.

      • Janet says:

        Lol. I guess it would have been too much to hope for mostly mature comments here. Thanks for the name-calling. Just to clarify,I never wrote that I read ALL her posts to my kids. I’ve been reading and enjoying her posts for a long time and I think I know how to parent my children. I just thought she would appreciate some feedback from her followers, that’s all.

        • g says:

          amber addresses her content of HER blog in the FAQs. i generally myself dont care for political leanings but really you couldnt just go with it. amber did the pictures someone else wrote the story. you felt the need to have YOUR feelings understood by commenting. i feel the need to comment to ask rhetorically if you really had to be public with your disappointment.

    • sarah says:

      i didnt like a couple terms used i dont think it was very appropriate to say sweetie puss or beaverooni when talkign about a little girl, but if you see curse words then don’t read it to your kid. duhh Janet. and don’t tell people what to post under their name. if they post it under their name they obviously lived it or liked it enough to post. If they like Obama and want to shout it from the rooftops they can. It’s their blog.

      • Heather says:

        In her defense though, she has the same right to complain about political statements as the blogger does to make them. I didn’t like the political statements or some of the terminology either.

      • Elizabeth says:

        I didn’t find the (GO OBAMA!) offensive or too intrusive, but the part after was disheartening.
        “asking great questions about the difference between democrats and republicans. Our 5-year-old daughter was hanging in there, trying so hard to understand our very basic explanation about taxes and helping others.” You could infer from this that the difference is, democrats want to pay taxes because they want to help others, and republicans don’t because they don’t want to help others. What if I made a humor oriented post and mentioned my close niece asking me about the difference between a democrat and a republican….and I mention that I started to educate them that Obama voted four times to deny viable babies born alive care to keep them alive? Yea…it’s not so humorous to not only divide our audience, but push our beliefs where people *aren’t* seeking political discussions. I am republican on some issues, and democrat on a few, but I’m adult enough to realize neither grp should be summed up as “greedy people who don’t help others” or “lazy people who want handouts”.

        • MamaLaw says:

          Weird, I didn’t infer that at all. I figured they were explaining what taxes do…they pay for things that help everyone. Maintaining roads, paying for police officers and fire fighters to help others when they are in trouble. And yes, some taxes go to help people get food and medical attention.
          I guess I just didn’t read it the same way as everyone else….

          • S says:

            Dear Mamalaw,

            I read it the same way you did. The explanation of taxes and helping others was age appropriate for a 5yo.

            And the incident was in 2008, ffs. Be glad no-one brought up the worst incidents that came from that election cycle. *shudder*

          • You are correct, MamaLaw. It was indeed just a basic explanation of what taxes are. Thanks for not reading too much into it. The point of that whole paragraph was just to set the scene for the bigger issue…the gum! :)

        • Brenda says:

          I thought the exact same thing about the dinner discussion. It was not even relevent to the VERY funny story.

          • Betsy says:

            I totally felt the same way. I was more focused on the Funny of the story. If you’re so disappointed – stop reading move on! We love Amber because she has us in giggling when we need a funny read in the middle of our hectic lives. Sheesh people relax!

      • Janet says:

        Sarah, as I had to clarify to Liz, I didn’t write that I read all the posts to my kids, duh. Also, if you read my post, I did not and would never tell anyone what to post. It’s her blog. I’m merely providing feedback from a long-time follower of hers which I would think she appreciates. I’m surprised at all the vitriolic responses to my disappointment.

    • Kelly says:

      Thank you Janet. Some of those words were gross. The story would be just as funny without them.

      • Amy says:

        I think the words make it more hilarious! Its just the way the mommy mind can work, especially in these types of unbelievable situations. Long live the beaverooni!

    • Anna in Ohio says:

      Oh geez. (Insert eye roll here). Slide your eyes right past the Obama thing if you didn’t like it. It wasn’t a political diatribe. And secondly, she obviously has the right to post whatever she wishes with whatever vocabulary she wishes. This blog is not meant for a 9-11 year old audience, so it makes no sense to guilt her into not offending YOUR children.

    • amber says:

      Two of the things you mention (swearing & sharing with children) are in my FAQs page.

      As for the Obama bit, I won’t censor another writer’s words. Had she written Romney* it would have also been left in.

      *Although more appropriately, McCain…since she wrote this post during the 2008 election, not the current one.

      • Laura b. says:

        So what *ARE* your political leanings then? Just curious.

      • Anna in Ohio says:

        That was a question I had – I wasn’t entirely sure if these were new posts by the other author that hadn’t been posted yet on their own blogs, or if they were particularly funny things that had already happened, now “new and improved, now with pictures!” LOL

      • Janet says:

        Sorry for seemingly opening up a can of worms here. I’m not prudish, just not vulgarish either and this just seemed particularly chock-full of gross words I usually don’t see on your blog. I thought you’d like to get feedback on your posts. I’m a longtime follower and will still follow, just might not comment again…some ‘ladies’ are TRULY crappy :(
        Guess I enjoy your posts more than guests’.
        I appreciate your response.

    • Nick says:

      You’ve seriously never noticed cursing on this blog? Seriously? I find that hard to believe. Are you just trolling?

      “Monsters can eat whatever the fuck they want”
      http://crappypictures.com/why-parents-hate-cookie-monster/
      “Kids wake-up too fucking early.”
      http://crappypictures.com/the-uppers-downers-of-parenting-or-coffee-wine/
      “Fuck.”
      http://crappypictures.com/my-friend-wendy/
      “It was fucking unbelievable.”
      http://crappypictures.com/what-it-is-like-to-change-diapers-illustrated-with-crappy-pictures/

      Need I go on? But hey, let’s not let facts get in the way of a senseless rant. Please get over yourself.

    • Jen says:

      “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

      That’s just plain courtesy.

    • Melly says:

      Read the effing FAQ’s. That is all.

    • Candi says:

      Who cares? You don’t like it, start your own blog.

  26. Ivy says:

    I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. Especially since I had to cut gum out of my 3yo daughter’s hair this morning for the first time ever (she apparently found it at school and was playing with it). Guess it could have been worse!!!

    • Kids and gum – a winning combination! Thanks for being able to relate Ivy and sorry about the gummy hair. If you’re ever in that situation again, I’ve successfully used peanut butter to remove gum from hair. (Hair on my children’s heads. I feel the need to clarify given the nature of this post.) ;)

  27. Ann says:

    I have never laughed so hard in my entire life – well, at least for a long time – and I am currently on an important conference call where I am expected to participate and am constantly having to put the call on mute while I guffaw…

  28. Meri says:

    OMG! The things that kids do! I’m in EMS and I’ve seen people do dumb things before but I have never seen anyone stick gum somewhere unusual!

  29. Jo says:

    Oh, wow. They so don’t prepare us for moments like that.

    Have you read the viral thing about the woman who gets wax stuck to her when she’s trying to dehair? It reminds me of this, it makes you cry tears of laughter.

    CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud…I laughed
    till I almost cried as I could just see this happening!
    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
    promises of easy, painless removal – The epilady, scissors, razors,
    Nair
    And now…the wax.
    My night began as any other normal weeknight.
    Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.
    I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for
    the next few hours: “Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.”
    So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
    It was one of those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of
    hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get
    warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or
    wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean,
    I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
    this out.
    (YA THINK!?!)
    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
    otherstuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (“Cold wax,” yeah…right!)
    I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
    pull.
    It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad.
    I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
    I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of
    smooth skin extraordinaire.
    With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
    sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
    championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
    Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right
    side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
    brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
    I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
    Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half
    the strip. CRAP!!!
    Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
    spotted. I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…Do I hear
    crashing drums???
    Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.
    I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has
    caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
    There’s no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
    I am touching wax.
    CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
    which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
    Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
    DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
    *Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut!
    Butt?? Sealed shut!
    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what
    to do and think to myself “Please don’t let me get the urge to
    poop.
    My head may pop off!”
    What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
    I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
    immerse the wax-covered
    bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
    WRONG!!!!!!!
    I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to
    torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.
    Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
    together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.
    So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
    cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
    God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter – “So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!”
    There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for
    removal
    but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
    exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?”
    She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the
    rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
    YEAH!!!!! Right!!
    I should be the joke of someone else’s night.
    While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
    By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
    My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
    grace….
    the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
    What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH
    MY GOD!!!!!!!
    The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
    It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. IT WORKS!! It works!!
    I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
    I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
    my grief and despair….
    THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
    So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now.
    Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
    Next week I’m going to try hair color……

  30. Beaveroonie? I’m dying! Crappy pictures makes my day every time.

  31. Katie R says:

    Thank you. THANK YOU. You just made my morning.

  32. Tiffany Messenger says:

    I really need to make a point to stop reading your blog while nursing my daughter to sleep. Every single time I laugh so hard I wake her up.

  33. Jenny says:

    I hope you’re going to do a collaboration with Honest Toddler! I recently discovered that one and LOVE it!!!

  34. Kelly says:

    Same here. :(

  35. A-Man-Duh says:

    Since I have two daughters, I’m apparently going to need to do a preemptive strike and tell them to never, ever put ABC gum (or any other gum for that matter!) down their panties! I’m not sure I would have handled that situation so well!

  36. Sonia says:

    Love the Rant inside her head!! But so calm and sweet outwardly. I haven’t laughed that hard in a while!!!

  37. There needs to be a “you need waterproof mascara” warning at the beginning of this post. Another collaborative win where the pictures make a hilarious post off the charts more hilarious.

  38. angie says:

    omg omg omg this is the best collaboration yet!

  39. This post was worth it just for this: Beaveroonie. And the rest was pretty awesome as well. The pics went perfectly!

  40. lindsay says:

    This was absofrickinglutely hilarious! I always guffaw at Amber’s posts, but this just moved me to comment! I can TOTALLY envision doing this at some point with my dear daughter.

    Oh yeah, and GO ROMNEY! (*snicker* we teach about taxes and taking care of people, too)

    Cannot wait for more collabs!

    • S says:

      Totally. Go being adults mature enough to understand both sides talk taxes and taking care of others!

    • Thanks Lindsay! Glad you could see the humor in it and relate. And I truly appreciate your ability and willingness to focus on the main point of the story and not get hung up on one detail of the setting, even if we sit on opposite sides of the political fence. Thank you for that.

  41. Madeleine says:

    I actually laughed out loud at the “twat” bit. Poor little girl! Glad you got it off and thanks for the tip.

  42. Liz says:

    I like the little Hello Kitty’s you put on her underpants!! Crappy clever:) love your blogs!!! They crack me up an make me realize ‘THANK GOD IM NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!’ I have a 3 year old and a 4 month old, both BOYS!

  43. Heather Bush says:

    I love this so hard. OMG! I cannot imagine what the outcome would have been if it had been my child – but OMG so brilliant. LOVE the pictures.

  44. BWAH HA HA! That poor kid! I can only imagine why she put it there, to keep it safe? Kind of like keeping money between your boobs?

    Oh goodie, another thing to add to the “do not” list-do not put gum in your underwear. Right up there with do not lick doorknobs, do not chew on table legs, and do not eat Cheerios out of the couch cushions or the garbage. All of these have actually happened at my house!

    Love the collaborations! :-) My life has become so enriched by all of this cultural exposure.

    • HM says:

      I kind of felt like we were left hanging at the end – do we not find out the why?? :)

      • Yes! I reread it to make sure. Amber, may we have a follow-up collaboration? I’m asking nicely. Inquiring minds want to know… I bet there is no explanation! Kids…

      • Valid point! When this happened 4 years ago, I just chalked it up to “kids do crazy shit” and moved on. But later, we came to discover that my daughter had a mild sensory processing issue that made her seek out lots of sensory experiences that most of us would think were really odd. She’s almost 10 now and has totally outgrown this issue, thank GOD. Thanks for the great question!

  45. Sarah R. says:

    Oh. My. God. This is beyond hilarious. Cracked me right up. Seriously, best collaboration evah.

    Also, as the mother of a toddler girl, this is more than a little bit terrifying (please don’t let this happen to me, please?).

  46. Kim says:

    The “my chicken is getting cold and my child has a piece of someone else’s gum stuck to her twat” just about did me in.

  47. Amber, honest to Pete, your beer bottle statement is probably the single most awesome thing anyone has EVER said about me. That’s going straight to the top of my resume, Sugar Pants.

    And if I loved your crappy illustrations of me and my daughter any MORE, I’d probably be arrested for lewd behavior (again). You are just flat out brilliant. Thank you so much for this incredible experience! LOVE.

  48. Becky says:

    I need to stop reading your blog at work. laughing so hard I couldn’t even finish reading it.

  49. Deb says:

    …can’t…..breathe….from laughing…

  50. Shelley West says:

    I’ve heard that peanut butter is good for getting gum out of your hair. I wonder if it works for the Va-jay-jay.

  51. OMG, Leslie! And I thought I’d need the vapors when Lil’ Bit, at 20 months old, stuck her hand right into a big glob of spit-vomit on the sidewalk with white chunky bits in it.

    But this… THIS! Oh my God… even the thought of it sends me into OCD fits.

    If you need to find me, I’ll be curled up in the corner rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

    • Guuurl – someone else’s white chunky vomit is way worse than old gum (even old gum stuck to the wrong set of lips).

      And don’t worry – the hot bath made everything okay…at least until that time she licked the shopping cart handle. Kidding! (That was my other kid.)

  52. Oh, all the things not covered in the parenting manual…

  53. Emily says:

    Funny, but would’ve been way funnier w/o the language. :(

  54. Fenny says:

    WARNING – THIS COMMENT CONTAINS WORDS NOT SUITABLE FOR SMALL CHILDREN OR THOSE OF DELICATE SENSIBILITIES!

    I laughed so much I nearly wet myself at this one. But I did think that it was a good thing she’s young enough not to have pubes!

  55. Erin mommy of 3 lil monsters (the good kind of course) says:

    Ohh my gosh for all the places that could of gone eeeekkkk poor mommy and baby that is bad lol makes gum in the hair seem like a breeze lol
    Thanks for the belly aching laugh out loud moment !!! My toddler is looking at me like I’m nuts !!!

  56. Melanie says:

    OMG!! Poor sweetie! But I have to admit I laughed so hard I accidentally spit water all over my computer screen! lol

    Thanks for all these collaboration, your regular crappy pictures are awesome and it’s nice to learn of other hilarious parent bloggers.

  57. Sarah says:

    That was Hilarious!!!

  58. soniya says:

    omg, i couldn’t stop laughing. It’s like watching a train wreck – you know it’s horrifying but you just can’t help but watch (and laugh).

  59. Lynann says:

    When my daughter was 4, she came to me because she had put one of my panty liners in her underwear and it was stuck to her. She had put it in upside down the the entire sticky part was pressed tight to her little girly parts. Ouch! Poor thing. Though gum is much worse. Much, much, much worse!

  60. Meagan says:

    I read this in the car outside of pre-school and laughed so freaking hard, I peed my pants… yes, I peed my pants. Thank Goodness I’m pregnant and could blame it on that.

  61. efvie says:

    I totally did not see “twat” coming!

  62. Enilorac says:

    Peanut Butter works wonders for getting out gum, especially in hair.

    In regards to this story though, It was horrifying. I didn’t find it funny at all :(
    I also can’t stand the use of the word “panties” for underwear.

    • HM says:

      Funny how that works. I liked this one but couldn’t stand the one with the monkey sex. I was so grossed out – still trying to get the “monkey-straw” bit out of my mind!

      • amber says:

        It IS funny how that works. Can’t please everyone. And admittedly, I never have any clue which of my posts people will like or hate.

        • Christiana says:

          Not your problem to worry about whether or not we will like or hate it. (Not that I think you were worried.)

          It is your job to write and write to your heart’s content, and if people don’t like it….well, escape is just a mouse click away!

        • S says:

          On average, people love your posts. As a creative artist you cannot control which part of your work is memorable to others.

          For instance, I can never watch a Daniel Craig ‘James Bond’ because of several aspects, one of which is his really idiotic line “That’s because you know what I can do with my little finger.” Other people won’t even remember this really inane gawdawful stomach-retching scrub-my-ear-out-with-toothbrush delete-my-memory-and-overwrite-with-a-virus line. I wish I do too.

        • HM says:

          That’s why I wouldn’t write an angry response or whatever. Everyone’s taste falls in a certain range, etc, etc. I love your posts and if any rub me the wrong way, I move on w/o blame ;) (But I still wish I could get “monkey using himself as straw” out of my head!!)

          • Devan says:

            HM, I am toally with you…if I like it great if not, oh well, it was my choice to read it in the first place. I would never be able to be angry about something that someone wrote on their OWN blog….strange. Also? I could do without the monkey sex image too! :)

  63. Candace says:

    Oh my goodness this was hilarious – I cringed and laughed through the whole thing.

    I’m pretty sure after that she COULD break a bottle on a bar.

  64. Laura b. says:

    I loved this, I have tears trying to stifle my laughter at work!

  65. jo says:

    do you know how hard it is to be at work and read something like this and try VERY VERY hard not to laugh uproarously? I’m holding it in, but my eyes are watering.

  66. Alison says:

    I was totally anticipating the punch line. Reading that post put me in full mom mode and I immediately thought ” Wait, she needs to tell her not to put it in her mouth either. You have to be specific!”

  67. Joanne says:

    Ha! All the boy stories had me saying to myself “Why couldn’t I have had a nice, cute, quiet girl?” Thanks for the “glad I have a boy” feeling. ;)

  68. Kisha says:

    Best crappy collaboration yet. Almost peed my pants and you’re an artist with the Hello Kitty so perfect!

  69. Jennifer says:

    YES, this is HILARIOUS. Yet so sad for her little girl. Way to go…not sure I could handle this as calmly as she did!

  70. Jenna Claver says:

    DEAR. LORD.
    I love the long strings of explicatives which
    are EXACTLY what i’d be thinking!
    :-)
    nicely done.

  71. Angela says:

    I cannot thank you enough!!! I am soooo glad all of you bloggers talk to each other and include each other in on your posts!!! I just spent the better part of my afternoon perusing the Bearded Iris site and my husband walked in while i was laughing so hard I was crying!!! Can’t think of any better way to spend the afternoon!!! The laundry, crying kids, dishes, etc. can wait!!!

  72. Karla McClain says:

    Beaverooni! Bwahahahaha! That was really funny.

  73. Oh my goodness I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much at a blog post before.

  74. Nicole says:

    OMFG The Bearded Iris saves the day!! For a while there I was dreading ever being pregnant again for fear of birthing a penis’d human….and now I’m sure that neither gender is safe!

    Thanks for reminding me that girls can INDEED be yucky too.
    *crying* BAHAHAHAHA

  75. Linda says:

    I wonder if Avon SkinSoSoft would have helped?

  76. wendy says:

    Beaveroonie!!!!! I’m totally stealing that!
    Bummer, I thought only boys did stuff like that. That’s a rude awakening. Something to look forward to.

  77. Two Loose Stitches says:

    My daughter once licked the prescription counter at the grocery store. We were just standing there waiting for our prescription and she stuck her tongue out and licked from one side to the other. Nope. No bad germs at the prescription counter that serves PEOPLE WHO ARE SICK ENOUGH TO NEED DOCTOR-PRESCRIBED MEDICINE all day long.

    • Noooooooooooo! (So funny!)

      My kids do gross things like that all the time. Also, 2/3rds of my kids missed ZERO days of school last year, so I’m thinking that maybe all those gross-thing-licking-incidents have really boosted their immunity. (Fingers crossed.)

  78. Megan says:

    This made me LOL! And Go Obama in deed! :)

  79. Jennifer says:

    Great post! Despite that she used my most despised vagina nick-name (“va-jay-jay,” *shutter* ), I seriously heart The Bearded Iris!

    • Thank you Jennifer! Yeah, I hear you. I wrote this 4 years ago and have since developed a much larger arsenal of vagina-related vocabulary words. Va-jay-jay isn’t my favorite either. It’s just so…Oprah. My current faves are “vajewelry box” and “vajizness.” Although in this case, I’m thinking “vagumball machine” is rather appropriate.

  80. RE says:

    This post makes me feel better about the 2x my 2 year old daughter has jacknifed (folded up and fell in) to a toilet.* Once it was at the mall. (shudder)I have never before or since come closer to using bleach on my baby.

    *What can I say? She’s tiny and potty trained herself young.

  81. Melli says:

    I read this 2 hours ago, and I am still giggling every time I think about it

  82. Elisabeth says:

    Now all I can hear in my head is that commercial for Chef Boy-ar-Dee with kids singing, “It’s time for Beaveroonie!”

  83. Loved it! And I knew the lie she was going to tell before she even started. (I’m a teacher.) What is it with the “I fell down and _____ happened” lie?

  84. Deneen says:

    Seriously funny … I am sitting in a hockey rink reading this w tears coming out my eyes and coffee out my nose!!!! Everyone is looking at me …. I can’t stop crylaughing … Thx!

  85. Amanda Reed says:

    Thanks for ruining a perfectly wonderful piece of hilariousness by adding in some political crap. That was awesome.

  86. Jesse says:

    You lost me at “go Obama”
    You have a child, Obama wants us to pay for the deaths of other children in the name of healthcare. So sad.

    • S says:

      Is crappypictures.com comments section the appropriate place to start a political discussion? Seriously?

      • SasTx says:

        Absolutely it’s not! That’s why some people are offended it was put in there in the first place. Of course throwing in politics (even if this WAS written in ’08) right before an election is going to “stir the pot”.

        Also, I believe that the reason many of the people that didn’t like the offensive language in the post is because it was about a little girl. If the nicknames given to that *certain* body part (I will leave out all names associated with it as not to offend :) ) were about an adult woman, there would not have been the “back-lash” seen here. IMO a little girl doesn’t even have a b********…. no hair down there yet.

        Oh and love the stuff *you* write…. it’s just GREAT Amber!

        Ok after I put the “*” around the word “you” above I realize I did it above when referring to a certain part of a woman’s anatomy. I don’t mean anything by that, just too lazy to change it now, although it would have taken much less time then to write this explanation… whatever!

  87. MsHoneyPotts says:

    Tears streaming down my cheeks with laughter.
    It reminds me of when a pebble just jumped right up into my daughter’s nose and a tiny tiny hermit crab shell fell into my other daughters ear canal after her little sister encouraged her to listen to it very carefully, that she would hear the ocean…but gum to the vajayjay takes the cake.

  88. Kathleen says:

    Good grief – howdo you all function in the world if you get so hot and bothered about a guest poster on a humor blog making one statement you don’t agree with. News flash: there are a lot of people in this world and they don’t all agree with you. Get over it.

    I thought this story was funny though perhaps not the best choice to crappify – just because there weren’t many opportunities for Amber’s inclusion of crappy little details! LOL

    I’m very much enjoying the guest posts but am looking forward to getting back to our regularly scheduled crappy programming!

  89. Heather says:

    Love YOUR posts. HATED this one. Too vulgar for me and really didn’t like the political “crap.” I wish you would stick to your own crappy stories

  90. HouseTalkN says:

    I loved that you perfectly illustrated what runs through the mommy brain even when “Oh, Sweetie” is what is coming out of the mouth. Loved.every.stinking.word.
    Maybe you should add a “do not read if you have had your sense of humor removed” disclaimer.

  91. I thought this post was so funny and so well done by both Iris and Amber. (You captured her perfectly, Amber!) I thought the way Iris described this story was hysterical. For those of you who are so uptight about her words – it could have been so much worse. I would have worked in “tiny twat.”

  92. sarah says:

    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!

    i know this is *kind of* funny, but i just can’t stop thinking about someone else’s mouth germs on my little ones’ vulvas/vagainas! BARF, BARF, BARF!

  93. Christiana says:

    Hilarious story. Amber and her blogging friends are very funny.

    Sure, Obama is a waste of oxygen but who gives a flying fuck?

    Listen people,
    It is NOT the world’s job to not offend you.
    It is YOUR job to not be offended by the world.

    • g says:

      can i steal “It is NOT the world’s job to not offend you.
      It is YOUR job to not be offended by the world” from you or maybe use it in collaboratioin with you?. simple and honest

  94. Mercy says:

    Hhaha. My mom still likes to tell the story of when my eldest brother was 3 or 4 and he wrapped gum around his penis. At least it was his but it took her forever to get it off.

  95. I’m confused.

    So what you’re SAYING is that we’re not supposed to accept FREE gum from the floors of bowling alleys and store it in a warm, safe place like on our clitoris so as to keep our hands free?
    You want us to have to pay for fresh, new gum and…what? Put in a pants pocket or something?

    Now that just sounds like Crazy Talk to me.

  96. Good LORD. These comments are stressing me out. I had been thinking about writing a post on my own blog about women and the election, but hole-lee-shite, if people are going to get this riled up over one mention of the president’s name … eeeeeks!

    Anyway, great post. I love Leslie’s blog and I love your blog so this just made me do a little happy dance.

    • Thanks JD! I hope you will write your political post. There are undecided voters out there who could really be motivated by what you have to say. Or, as my 13-year-old son says, haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate. Don’t let that stop you! Speak your truth, sister!

  97. Colleen Potvin says:

    Amber: I love your blog. I am a 62 yr old great-grandmother and have learned to take things at face value and try not to judge others. You make me laugh out loud and that is hard to do. I lost my daughter in February and am still in grief mode. Regarding those who found the dinner discussion topics distasteful, my take on it is good for them. I admire any family who takes the opportunity of family meals to discuss and learn and teach their children. These discussions will stay with your kids forever and instill a love of learning and discussion for the rest of their lives. I am not a fan of some of the language but such is our world today and who am I to dictate how others phrase their stories. Please ladies, keep telling your stories and entertaining those of us who appreciate them.

  98. Bronwen says:

    Totally love the hello kitty panties, your crappy pictures are fantastic!

  99. Candi says:

    This completely made my day. Thanks to you both!

    I don’t know what it is about getting caught red… um… handed, but that “I slipped and fell” excuse is used by grownups, too. I work in healthcare, and without divulging specific details, we had an adult patient who “slipped and fell white I was walking in the park”… and somehow ended up with a Coke bottle where the sun don’t shine. Not sure how they made it through both pants and underwear, but yeah, we believe you! *wink wink*

  100. Jodi says:

    OMG!! This was hysterical!! I have a 9 year old son who 6 months ago had a cavity filled and they had to numb him to fill it. We went to the grocery store afterwards and after pulling a shopping cart out my EIGHT year old son proceeded to start licking the handle. I couldn’t believe what i was seeing!! I just stared in horror and practically screamed “What are you doing??!! Sean we don’t lick shopping carts!!” To which he calmly replied “I can’t feel my tongue” Oh ok, that makes it just fine that you just ingested about a gazillion germs!!! He has always been the easiest child and I can honestly say I have always considered myself blessed that he never did the “normal” gross and/or horrifying things other kids did, but at this point he was apparently making up for lost time. I could honestly see my 4 year old niece doing something like the post. Oh and to all of the saintly and delicate women who wrote about being offended by language and terminology, first go get your sense of humor replaced and second DON”T READ THE BLOGS IF YOU ARE THAT SENSITIVE!! Geez people, we’re adults. It’s her blog she can write whatever she likes, however she likes this is america. You too have a right to your OPINION but as far as commenting on curse words and certain slang for body parts I don’t think the bloggers or anyone else with the need to laugh once in a while wants to hear it. Opinions are like assholes everyone has one but not everyone wants to hear yours, with your “Virgin eyes” Please get over it! Thank you Amber for your blog and thank you to your collaborators for giving us a laugh in an otherwise hectic but beautiful world.

  101. Heather says:

    I almost peed myself at the all caps part…then I did pee myself (just a tiny bit!) at “beaveroonie.” Too much. Too too much. :)

  102. Jen says:

    I LOVE The Bearded Iris (as in if I’m ever anywhere near her, I will probably stalk her from the shadows for at least three hours and then awkwardly walk up, hump her leg, and ask if I can wear her as a hat). I haven’t had time to go through all the posts she’d written before I was turned on by, err… to her, so this was a real treat.
    I found your page through her advertising this illustrated post, and now I love you too. It may take awhile for you to reach my creepy “in-person” stalking status (maybe a whole hour or two if I keep clicking here), but you do have another online stalker for now.
    It’s always nice when I can giggle-pee at someone else rather than just doing it while I talk to myself…

  103. Becky says:

    That was tooo funny. I was in tears! Kids are awesome and never cease to amaze.

    Thanks for that!

  104. Elke says:

    LOL. It can be worse: my son was probably 2 years old. He was not allowed to eat chewing gum at that age. One day I went grocerey shopping with him, when suddenly he came with a chewing gum in his mouth. I was like: OMG, who gave you chewing gum. He said: I found it on the floor! :-(
    He is 15 years old now and is in good health :-)
    Elke, Germany

  105. I’m still trying to get past the part where you went to an arcade..

    I love you. Hilarious!

  106. E says:

    The only thing I could say after your wonderfully illustrated yet somewhat disturbing story was, “WOW”.

    And I say that all the time… this was NOT covered in the baby books! HA!

  107. Jelly says:

    Peanut butter removes gum from hair, probably skin as well.

  108. Elisabeth says:

    hahaha Vaseline and a papertowel … nope nothing in Parent’s magazine about that one!

  109. Kelly Walthour says:

    I laughed so hard that I had to get up and get tissue to wipe my eyes so I could finish reading….. absolutely hilarious. It’s now on my Facebook to share with my other mommy friends.

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  111. Sara says:

    This is the best of to date! Thanks for all the laughter!

  112. Lauren says:

    Ohhhhhh man. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Brava parenting technique!

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  114. Kim says:

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    This is the funniest, more hilarious, wee-inducing story I’ve ever read.

    Beaverooni!

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!

  115. Both hilarious and horrifying – what a great combination!

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  117. Jester Queen says:

    I was a trogdolyte in 2008, so I must have seen this in a repost or in the archives, because I’ve definitely seen it before, and it’s so damned FUNNY.

  118. Kim P says:

    I stumbled across a post from The Bearded Iris about a month ago and have been hooked ever since. Her posts are hilarious and your illustrations just added fuel to the laughter. Very well done.

  119. Margaret says:

    Deeply religious, very conservative person here and I LOVED THIS POST.

    It’s called humor, folks. Outrageousness is part of humor. And while I don’t swear outloud (usually) I can totally hear that kind of stuff running on my mental track while trying to deal with something completely insane like gum stuck to my daughter’s nether regious.

    I let my hair grow wild too, but the waxing story had me crying with laughter.

    Can we just enjoy stuff and not try to make it conform to some rigid list of requirements based on our personal sensitivities?

  120. Sonne says:

    I just peed laughing so hard…..

  121. Jennifer says:

    So I just recently cam across your blog (3 days ago), I can’t even remember how, but its so addicting, I found myself going to the very beginning and reading trough. I have been at this for two days. While my seemingly random bursts of laughter have my husband frequently asking “are you okay over there?”, I can’t pull myself away. So I’m in bed last night, not able to stop reading and I start laughing so hard at this that I am snorting and crying and laughing so hard that my husband leans over and says “can you even read it anymore?” NO!! I CAN’T!! I’m crying and laughing so hard I can open my eyes, when I do calm down enough to peek again all I see is “twat” and I’m rolling again. So this morning, I continue my catching up of your blog.

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