Say What? Inappropriately Random

Here is a gem from the other day:

I don’t know.ย I don’t want to know.

But at least he is rhyming.

Any randomly inappropriate utterances in your world lately?

Um, please?

(Please don’t leave me hanging; it is lonely being stuffed in a butt all by myself.)ย 

 

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692 Responses to Say What? Inappropriately Random

  1. Shea says:

    Funny you just posted this..I just said to my 4 year old son, “I like your shirt,” to which he repled, “Thanks, mom I like your boobs.”

    0_0 !!!!

  2. kylie says:

    Were are you from? Im trying to figure out what accent make ‘What” and ‘Butt’ Rhyme ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Danielle says:

    Yes!! My (almost) 4 year old and I rhyme everything whether it makes sense or not. The other day during a playdate he walked by me while I was talking to a couple of other moms (of course) and when I said, “Hey Bucko” he casually tossed back, “Hey Fucko” and just kept walking. Niiiice.

  4. Victoria says:

    Lol my 2 yr old DD didn’t want to leave the store so he shied the car keys in the back of her diaper. Yep. I feel your pain mama!

  5. Jenn T says:

    Our twin girls live for bathroom type jokes. Ours is similar, but it is “Guess What?”
    “Chicken Butt”

    So, I suppose I have been spared being put in their diapers…lucky me!

  6. Sarah says:

    Yesterday, my five year old asked me what d-i-c-k spelled. I feigned ignorance.
    (she was playing with taking words and replacing the first letter with a different letter to make new words)

  7. Cat says:

    My eight year old was talking about “butt toys” at the dinner table. When we had friends over. I’m still not sure what she was talking about. We were too busy trying not to laugh.

  8. Tanja says:

    I really don’t want to leave you hangin’ (allthough, between two cheeks, how bad can it be? It’s kindda like a two-sided hug) (one I wouldn’t wanna smell)… But what does one say to such an exclamation?

    Kids say the darndest things…

    Thanks for sharing!

  9. Annie Wendt says:

    My son was mad at me the other night and climbed up on the toilet, and standing there facing the wall started spelling “s…e…x……..s….e…x….” – my best guess is that another 5 yr old at school taught the boys that this was a bad word and this was how he was expressing defiance. :S

    • Lisa says:

      Once, when my pre-teen son was very angry, he carved F-U-N-K into his bookshelf. I’m sure that’s not what he meant, but I still laugh about it. Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying…

  10. Cracking up! This is so damn funny.

  11. Becky says:

    My son: “Mama, I love everything about you. Even your farts.”

    Me: “Thanks?”

    My son: “Every time you fart, I’m going to say ‘Yay!'”.

    Me: “Awesome.”

    Life with a 5 yr old boy, folks.

    • amber says:

      Now THAT is true love. Having someone say “Yay!” at each fart.

    • Kellie says:

      I have two sons. (7 and almost 3) I feel your pain.

    • Kristy says:

      My 4-year-old once exclaimed, “Mommy, all your farts are LOUD!”

      I had to explain that some farts are quiet, but he just doesn’t hear them!

    • Jessie says:

      OMG! That is hilarious!

    • Richain says:

      This had me cracking up… because there is a song they play on Kids Place Live called Mama Tooted and it cracks my son up every time and he always says “MAMA! You aren’t suppose to toot!”

    • jen says:

      My 5yo crawled in bed btw his dad and I and then let one go….his daddy says “If you’re going to do that, do it in your own room” The 5yo replied “No Way!!! I don’t want to stink up my OWN room!”

      He also rhymes anything he can with “fart”….what is it with boys??

      • Deneen says:

        I have a video I took one day when I took my then 10 yr old out for lunch. We were chatting about hockey and about every 3 sentences I just randomly threw in the word BUM … He’s all giggly and laughing … It’s great!!! He’s almost 13 and still loves that video!

    • Jessica R says:

      Too funny! My three yr old daughter wrapped herself around my leg, sat on my foot, and when asked what in the world she was doing she just looks up and says I wanna fart!

    • Mindy says:

      Best comment ever!! This story totally made my day.

    • I’m weeping. That is hilarious.

    • Daisy says:

      For a while my 12 month old daughter would clap every time I sat on the toilet. She’d get a big grin on her face and applaud. It was so weird. We are nowhere near potty training, so it wasn’t like she was applauding me doing “big girl” things or anything. Now, at 13 months, she seems to have calmed down about Mama’s toilet time. Oh, well.

  12. Kellie says:

    the other day, while tickling my 7 year old son under the arms and on his feet, he breathlessly tells me, “Mommy, you know where ALL my special spots are!”. Eep. Then, my almost 3 year old son made a HUGE mess in the living room when he tried crawling into the toy bin and tipped it over. As I go into the living room, he throws his hands straight up and yells, “MOMMY, DON’T PUNCH ME!”. I swear by all that is Holy, I don’t punch my kids!

    • Shea says:

      I believe you lol Mine sayd the same thing, but he saves that one for when we’re in public…

    • Harmony says:

      Haha! Just today my 3 year old was singing a sweet little song about putting her children in jail. Special times.

    • Heather says:

      LOL! When my now 10 year old was 3, we were shopping in a store and he was trying to grab everything within arms reach and I gave him a look and he threw his hands in the air and screamed at the top of his lungs “Don’t beat me Mom!”

    • Chloe says:

      My niece tried to steal a chocolate from a shop and my sister told her to put it back and my niece started sobbing hysterically and calling at the top of her voice “dont hit me mummy please dont hit me”… she has never been smacked in her life :/

    • Katie says:

      my 3 year-old son has taken to saying: “Don’t push me Mama! Don’t push me!” Yep, pretty sure that I have NEVER pushed him. I have no idea!

    • Janelle says:

      my oldest dd about 5yo…
      we were in line in our small-town post office for a long time. had all 3 daughters and they were getting really wild. we finally got to the window and i said to her sternly “now just stand right here and don’t move.” she immediately replied: “or what? you’ll kill me?” nice and loud for the whole silent post office to hear. i’ve never said anything remotely like that in her life!

    • Mariah says:

      My husband told me a story of when he was little and had ended up in the ER a few times with injuries (2 older brothers). Someone was joking with his dad that the doctor was going to get suspicious of him. When little Jon went in to see the doctor and the doctor asked how he got hurt, he said, “My dad didn’t do it!”

  13. Lydia says:

    Not really inappropriate per se, but my oldest (4) said to me the other day, “Mama, sometimes you talk and talk and don’t make any sense, but I pretend you do make sense.” LOL

  14. Melanie says:

    Well, my sons latest joke has been saying that he is eating stuff…eatin bear, eatin shoes, or he’ll take the ring from his ring stack and say eatin donut. Cute right? Yeah. He also isn’t so hot at pronouncing the letter L yet (he is only 2 after all!). His latest thing to “eat” is the clock. The first time he said it, my husband laughed so hysterically that he now says it all the time. Help me if he starts saying it in public!

    • Kellie says:

      My youngest can’t really do the “f” sound. “Fish” comes out as “bish” or sometimes just plain old “b**ch”. At the store one day, we pass the fish aisle while heading to the makeup aisle. Surrounded by women, my lovely child begins screaming “I SEE BISH!”
      Also, “sandwich” is “seab**ch” for some ungodly reason.

      • Alicia says:

        Oh god, this alone brought tears to my eyes . Thank you.

        • Melanie says:

          We live in SC, where the university mascot is the Gamecocks. And you really have to work to keep a straight face when the kids, elderly and everyone in between wander around screaming “Go Cocks!” The worst is the cheerleading panties that have COCKS printed across the rear. Not kidding.

          • Lisa says:

            oh my goodness – why in the world hasn’t there been a campaign to change the mascot??? Hilarious.

          • Sam says:

            I moved to SC recently and had to do a double take with I saw a guy with “Cock” (as in game cocks) written on his shirt!

          • Jessi says:

            Oh yes…when we visited friends in SC they made sure we went home with shirts that said Cocks on them! LOL

            Also, here in Lansing, MI our minor league baseball team is the Lansing Lugnuts (big car manufacturing town.) So, yup, all the clothes, hats and cheers are “Go Nuts!”

        • Kellie says:

          Glad I could help ๐Ÿ™‚ my kids are constantly embarrassing the life out of me.

      • Keli says:

        Oh my son can’t pronounce an ‘s’ but has a sock obsession… so socks are cocks! And he fishes through the laundry pile saying ‘More cocks mama!’ ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Daisy says:

        When I was a toddler we had a next door neighbor named Herbie who had a truck. I couldn’t say “Herbie,” so it translated to “Hubby.” And I couldn’t say “truck,” so it became “f*ck.” Every time he left, I would cry, “There goes Hubby’s f*ck!”

        • Erin B says:

          For my daughter the problem work was fork. So when she was learning to eat, she would ask the waiter or gramma or who ever was with in earshot for new fok because she dropped her fok and just could keep eating without a fok. One time the people at the table next too us was trying so hard not to laugh they were in tears…. She asked if they needs more foks too. The husband had to leave for a few minutes. It was great.

          • Francesca B says:

            My first daughter went for a little while calling forks “gadorks”. Which was hilarious although not dirty. My second also called her socks “cocks” for awhile.

  15. Alexandra says:

    I was folding laundry and I had a stack of my bras sitting next to me. My two year old son grabs one, holds it up to his chest (where a bra should go) and says “boobies, boobies, boobies”. *facepalm*

  16. Amy K. says:

    My 5-yr old Godson came up to me a few weeks ago and gleefully said “You’re round like an eight!” Well thank you for that, Mr. Tactful.

  17. Renee says:

    Haha! My son went through (well still at 4) a “butt” phase. Everything was with a “butt”, Chocolate butt, bok choy butt(he loves bok choy)… you get the picture ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Amanda says:

      In that phase with my own 4-year-old right now. The thing is, she gets her older sister (6) to revert back to that phase as well. It quickly devolves to shouts of, “Butt!” followed by hysterical laughter.

  18. Amy says:

    My son’s only five months but lately his gibberish has sounded like he’s a little German or Spanish baby, with all these rolling Rs and guttural noises.

    Yeah, that’s not funny. Sorry, I guess I’ll be back in a year or more to actually contribute! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Jessi says:

      LOL, funny you should mention that, My niece just turned 1 and does the guttural noises too..we were just chatting over the weekend how they better start enrolling her in Spanish class soon. ๐Ÿ™‚

  19. Chris says:

    This comes to mind:

  20. Natalie says:

    My son’s second grade teacher was thrilled to report that in response to the question “Compare the life cycle of a frog and a turtle.” He responded, “Turtles get laid on the sand and frogs get laid in the water.”

  21. Erin says:

    “Kisses here, kisses there, kisses in my underwear.”

    The perpetrator of this horrifying bit of poetry shall remain nameless.

  22. Morag says:

    Rhyming is different depending on your accent. I was recently reading ‘Mr Rude’ to my children and I thought that ‘good’ and ‘rude’ rhymed but apparently that is only true in my Scottish accent and not in their (or their dad’s) American accent. :-/ oh well.

    • Susie says:

      I’m Scottish too and my 8-year-old daughter had homework where you had a set of words that rhymed, but one didn’t so you had to underline the odd one out. We were fine until we got to wool, fool, cool, stool. In our accent they are all exactly the same!!! I started a huge FB conversation with everyone else saying wool sounded different to them, so we went with that on the homework. When we got it back, that’s the only one the teacher didn’t mark – obviously they were the same for her as well.

  23. brittany jimenez says:

    LOL Love it. My son is 7 months old but, here is one from my 7 year old brother. “Brit (me), I know that dogs aren’t supposed to eat chocolate and Rudy’s (my dachshund) young but, I think he’s black because he ate too much chocolate…”

    Um, wow. lol

    Btw, I’m 23 years old. My brother and I are 16 years apart. My family likes to keep things interesting. lol

  24. Erin says:

    Oh, and also, today my 3-year-old princess informed me that “I tooted and it sounded like this: PFFFFFFFFFFTTTT.”

  25. Keri says:

    “Mummy, are cocktails made of cocks?”

  26. tara says:

    Maaayybe he put a lego man or something in his diaper and is pretending it’s a likeness of you, thus stuffing it in his butt?

    My friend sent me a picture of his poo monster. Does that make you feel better?

  27. Sheri says:

    Perfect timing… two year old daughter watching me get dressed this past weekend (aka: putting on my bras).
    Her: Are those your booboos?
    Me: Yep.
    Her: You gonna put those in there? (bra)
    Me: I am indeed.
    Her: Why?
    Me: To hold them up.

    She seemed to be okay with that answer, becuase she giggled and walked out of the room. Very disconcerting!

  28. Gina says:

    One day while we were outside playing, my 4 year old tells me “Momma, when you eat me and put me in your belly, I won’t see my friend – Dadda or my friend – Momma or my friend – Gray…if you eat me and put me in your belly.” I have NO CLUE where that came from. I assured him I would not eat him and he could still see his friends, Momma, Dadda and Gray. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • michele says:

      My friend’s son used to say the same thing and we finally figured out that that is how he explained how a woman get’s pregnant, before he had all the details on how it really happens.

    • Kimberly says:

      For the longest time when I was pregnant with my daughter and I told my son I had a baby in my belly he would yell: “noooo!” and become very distressed. At first I thought he was just uncomfortable with losing his only child status. And then it became apparent that he thought I wanted to eat a baby; which is obviously a cause for distress.

  29. Jacque says:

    “Does God poop?”
    Deep philosophical question posed by my 5 year old son as we’re getting ready for bed the other night.
    *blink*
    *blink*
    Now, I had earlier been having a discussion with my 3 year old daughter about what kind of pet we might (might might MIGHT) be willing to get for our home and how every living thing poops.
    I didn’t even know he was paying attention to that conversation.

    I told him he needed to pose that theological show stopper to our pastor, preferably right before the service. ๐Ÿ˜€

    • Betsy says:

      oh please, for the love of all that is holy, make a secret video and post it for us all.

    • Fenny says:

      Many years ago, I used to be a Sunday School leader. Away on the annual houseparty one year, we were sitting in the morning leaders’ meeting and one of the leaders said “One of my kids asked yesterday if souls have legs”. We debated it on and off for the rest of the week.

    • Daisy says:

      I used to be a pastor, and here’s my response: As Christians (I assume you are, since you mentioned a pastor), we believe that Jesus is both fully human and fully divine. That means that, as part of the Trinity, Jesus is God. Jesus is also a man. As a man, Jesus must certainly have pooped. Therefore, in a sense, God poops. There you go. Never thought I’d be espousing theology on this site!

    • Erin B says:

      I got kicked out of catechism class for asking how fair through your guts does it go before it stops being the body and blood of Christ and just start being poop? I was about 6. I was COMPLETELY serious. I am now 35 and work in a medical field and still haven’t gotten an answer.

  30. Megan says:

    Lol, do u get cell service in there?
    My 3 year old daughter just told me, “mommy fix your legs, they to scratchy!”
    Call out! It’s winter cut me a break!

    • amber says:

      I got the scratchy insult just the other day! He sat on my leg and said “Ouch! Your legs are too spikey.” Yeah, winter.

      Cell reception – can you hear me now?

    • Jen D says:

      I got “MOM! That’s so gross! Girls are NOT supposed to have hair on their legs…. but Dad says you do all winter!” Dad ran away from that conversation….

    • Katie says:

      Last week my three year old felt my leg and asked “Mommy, why did you shave off all your fur?”

    • My 2yr old: “Mommy, your legs are too spicy for me!”

      • Holly says:

        I slacked on the armpits for ONE DAY and wore a shirt with those short sleeves that shouldn’t really count as sleeves. My daughter at age 2 told me my armpits were yucky. Even after I changed shirts, she would point and say “ah-pits, ew yuck” So, that night I shaved and in the morning, I wore a tank top and told her, “I shaved just for you, are you excited?”
        She yelled yes back at me.

        • Rene says:

          My uncle once said to my aunt, who was letting her leg hair grow out during the winter, “I see your growing your socks”. So now I always say each winter I’m growing my socks.

          • Debean says:

            Child I was babysitting asked if my legs hurt. I said no, why, he said in his 4 yro voice “cuz you got spikes growing outta them.”

  31. KrisHig says:

    So funny!! I recently told my almost 3 year old that he made me happy. He responded with, “Puppies pooping in the backyard make me happy!” Not sure where to go with that one :-/

  32. Tara says:

    One of the girls at my Dayhome (2yrs) lifted up her shirt and said “Look at my Tummy….. Now KISS IT” hahaha she wanted a raspberry on her tummy but it for sure made me laugh.

  33. Denise says:

    When my daughter was 6 or 7 she yelled from two rooms away, “Mom, what’s sex?!” I held my breath and asked her to come closer and repeat it, hoping I had heard it wrong. She asked what sex was again. I asked what she meant. She said, “You know, when someone says “wait a sec’?” Phew.

  34. Lacey says:

    How about “mama poopoo on the floor” in a bathroom stall in a bathroom at our jym. We made a quick exit after hearing manic laughter from another stall.

  35. Lissa says:

    Not sure where my 2.5 year old daughter learned the phrase “butt-naked” but I am guessing her daddy. She likes to use it all the time now though, and usually incorrectly. She’ll take off a sock and yell out, “Hey, look at me, I’m butt-naked!!”

    • Layla says:

      My husband speaks French to our sons, the perk being that most of the (wildly) inappropriate stuff they say is incomprehensible by guests or casual bystanders. However, there’s no mistaking what is meant when a 3-year old comes running from his room sans clothing, presenting himself (yep, Vanna White style), then turning round to shake his behind while shouting repeatedly, “Bรฉbรฉ tout nu!”

  36. Simona Manca says:

    Well, is not properly a rhyme, but my daughter loves to make up words in English (she finds it extremely funny as we are Italian living in the UK), so a few weeks ago we were in a lift with a very elegant old lady, and she said “shit”, so loud and clear that it couldn’t be mistaken for anything else! The old lady looked very disappointed and I felt powerless, but couldn’t help laughing!

  37. Skye says:

    First words out of my 2.5-year-old son’s mouth upon waking up one early morning, “Mommy, you look like a steam train.”

    • Warmfuzzyfeeling says:

      That made me laugh. How random! (If my son said it I’d take it as a compliment, given how much he loves trains).

  38. Heather says:

    Kind of like Melanie’s post above, my 2 year old daughter doesn’t pronounce the letter “s” when it is in front of another consonant.

    Therefore, what does she say when she wants to play with the scooter my mother-in-law got her for her birthday?

    “Where’s my cooter!!”

  39. Jorie says:

    My two year old daughter is incapable of pooping or passing gas without commenting, “YUM. I EAT IT.” (pause for effect) “HAHAHA! That’s GROSS!”

    Her older sister is mostly indifferent to potty humor so I have no idea where it comes from. Must be genetic. From her father’s side.

  40. Aleda says:

    OMGOSH yes!!! My husband crawled out of bed one morning wearing only his briefs. My youngest daughter (3 at the time) stared at him quizzically for a bit before asking what was in Daddy’s “panties”. Blushing and little miffed about the use of “panties” instead of underwear, my husband mumbled something unintelligible (a normal occurrence when it comes to our three girls). So my daughter, always ready with a toilet comment, yelled. “MOMMY! Daddy POOPED! I guess he needs diapers!” LOL!!!

    • amber says:

      The phrase “Daddy’s panties” alone made me crack up!

      • Alli v says:

        This reminds me of my husband always worried his “manhood” will show while he’s in his boxers around our 3 year old daughter. Can you hear my eye rolling? One time he stood up after watching a family movie and our daughter pointed and said “Daddy, what is that!” He panicked and ran into the bathroom. Only to find it was a piece of candy stuck to his shirt. We laughed while he stood there so red. He really isn’t ready to explain anything difference between boys and girls.

      • Erin B says:

        My poor hubby has three daughters and they have been “Daddy Panties” around here for a lot of years.

    • Sarah says:

      Omg! I’m crying here! Lmbo!

    • Jen D says:

      I just about died laughing! I’m still laughing! And my 7 year old just comments on my burst of laughter “That sounded like a boy!”

    • Brandy P says:

      I am fairly certain you must be a friend of my friend Chris…She also refers to ALL underwear, male or female, as panties.

    • Devan says:

      I call my hubbys underwear panties just because he hates it so much. He is the only male in our home. ๐Ÿ™‚

  41. Colleen says:

    Me to my six year old: “Hi, buddy! How was your day?”
    Child: “Sexy!”

    I totally blame that LMFAO song “Sexy and I Know It”… Which I do not let him listen to, but his (ex)babysitter found the MM commercial version appropriate to show him. Awesome.

  42. Katie says:

    My older daughter got daddy’s boxers confused with boys’ weiners (I didn’t do too well in the explanation department, apparently).
    We were out at the park and Daddy was crouched down, his boxers peeping out over his pants and Izzy yelled:
    “I see Daddy’s WEEEEEEENNEERRRRR!!”

    • Krista says:

      It’s funny how kids can hear something and take it the wrong way like that. My son was fighting with my nephew today about the fact that it was Christmas. My son was saying it was and my nephew was saying it wasn’t. So I intervened “it’s not Christmas day, it’s Christmas Time” so he kept saying that (which they agreed one). Well a little later we went to the grocery store and my 2 year old daughter saw a Christmas tree and called it a Christmas time.

  43. Lyndsay says:

    My 3 yo son, A: “aw, look at Ruby (our dog) Mommy. She is a tired peanut.”

    Me: “yes, she does look pretty sleepy.”

    A: “we’ll, if she is a tired peanut, then I must be a tired vagina!”

    What? And the fact that he KNOWS the difference between and can clearly say both ‘peanut’ and ‘penis’ confounds me.

  44. Annette says:

    We got to listen to our 3 kids (ages 2, 4 and 5)chant, “Shake my boooo-ty! Shake my booo-ty!” for an entire twenty minute car ride. I put a stop to it when the 4 y/o tried to switch things up with, “Shake my wei-ner!”

  45. Tiffany says:

    My son who was in speech used to have trouble with his “tr” sound and it came out like “fw.” So train was “fwain.” We tried really hard not to let him say truck in public with his little mispronunciation, but like all little boys he loves vehicles. I’ll never forget the look on a guy’s face when my little one pointed and loudly said, “Wow! There’s a BIG *ahem* “truck”!”

    • Amy says:

      I’m a speech therapist and several of my kiddos have had that “f” for “tr” thing… “Go tell Mrs. Teacher what this is, Johnny!” :O)

  46. Maria says:

    We were staying at a friends house one summer and my then 3 year old liked to point out clocks. Well, he couldn’t say the “L”. and he says to my friend “Whoa! That’s a huge clock!” we laughed so hard!

  47. Megan says:

    My daughter while helping with making dinner ,” Mom, that is so awesome, I just froze my baby pimples off!” She refers to her nipples as such. She’s 3.

  48. Colleen says:

    Oh! Another…

    My kid loves science books. So, after reading all about the habits of moose he sweetly asks me, “So mom, when is mating season for humans?”

    Uh…

  49. Melissa says:

    My 6 yr old was in his room naked after a bath and I came in and he announced to me ” Mom! sometimes when I touch my penis it gets biiiig, and STRONG! Lonnnng and stronnng! ” hahaha. Nice.

    • Amelia says:

      I remember my younger brother saying to my Mom, “Mommy, why does my penis get big when I touch it?” He was maybe three or four…

    • Brandy P says:

      OMG when my son was like 3 he was sitting on the toilet and I look over and notice he’s pulling at himself.

      Me: What is wrong?
      Him: It won’t stay down!
      Me: Well if you’d quit messing with it it would…

    • MamaJen says:

      my lil’ one told me about 2 years ago (he’s almost 5 now):
      “look, Mommy, it’s bendy”
      hey, free entertainment! plus apparently, it runs in the family to fall asleep w/ your hand on your “sleep button” lol

  50. Denise Krieger says:

    my now 6 year old told me the following the other day:
    “You are chubby, but you are losing weight. You are SUPPOSED to be chubby. I don’t like that you are losing weight. It makes your boobs and belly hang down too low.”

    Glad I am losing weight, but don’t need the peanut gallery commentary of how bad gravity is to me ๐Ÿ˜‰

  51. Kari says:

    When I was changing my baby daughter’s diaper my 5 year old son asked “why does her vagina looks like a front butt?”

  52. MichelleM says:

    My 3 year old informed me as I was sitting on the toilet that “you have a big bum so you won’t fall in.” Thanks kid.

  53. meg says:

    well my son made up a song that goes a little something like this….”if you’re happy and you know it, wiggle your PENIS!” no joke. true story. i have a video to prove it.

  54. Baguette has been saying what sounds like “Ah, crap.” But we’re pretty sure that it’s supposed to be “a caterpillar.” We’re pretty sure.

  55. Lori says:

    Last year my 7 year old was so proud of being a big brother he couldn’t wait to introduce his class to the baby. So at the Christmas party I brought the baby up to school. He introduced him “this is my new brother. He drinks milk from moms boobs!” Ahhhhj that was great!

    • Betsy says:

      actually I do think that is great. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Rachel says:

      We call it mommy milk. And I have a chest, not boobs! So it’s mommy milk from my chest. Somehow that feels slightly less revealing to me!

      • S says:

        Snap! “Mummy milk” all the way. Differentiates from cow or bottle milk.

        He used to call my breasts “bottle”. Now he justs feels me up, murmuring “breast”.

    • Emily says:

      My daughter (5) says this about baby brother all the time! So the the older kids in his family child care – look, he wants milk from your boobs!

    • Jess says:

      me too. All kids should get that info. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Rachelle says:

      I have a 7yo and a 5 month old (girls). A few months ago we were at the grocery store and the baby was fussing at the check stand. My older daughter yells, ‘Mom, will you just give her the boob already?!’ Sigh. I guess I’ve done stranger things while breastfeeding.

  56. Terri says:

    My daughters (ages 7 and 3) had a friend over and they were gleefully jumping on the trampoline in the backyard. They decided to play a game while bouncing around. As I got closer, I heard what their game was. One person would lie down in the middle while the other two would jump around them in a circle while chanting, “Mommy, mommy, wake up fast! Before I stab you with a knife!” I was horrified! I have no clue where they would have gotten that from. So, I had to ruin their fun by telling them it doesn’t even rhyme.

    • Cristal says:

      I’m laughing so hard im crying. but also thankful to hear I’m not the only one raising a sociopath! Where they get this stuff I don’t know. I don’t even like tv let alone let him consume vast quantities unattended. I just keep repeating how mommy and daddy don’t talk to each other or anyone else like that.

  57. Liz says:

    My 4-year-old son’s name for my husband right now is “poo poo daddy”.

  58. Charlene says:

    This made me laugh so hard. My 5 year old son is the king of random inappropriateness. He is constantly talking about poopy diapers and farting in faces. He made me laugh though with this one when he was 4: He had just been given 2 rubber snakes to protect him in his bed a night from spiders

    Me: So what is this snake’s name?
    Him: (vibrating with excitement) “Grunt!”
    Me: Hey great name, now what is the other snake’s name.
    Him: CUNT!!!!
    Me: ok..um… very nice rhyming…. but um… that is actually not a very nice word so let’s try something else…
    Him: Godzilla?
    Me: (whew) Grunt and Godzilla, those are awesome names!! Good job buddy (YIKES)

  59. Fern says:

    My 5 yr old son recently informed me that I have “the juiciest lolly in the world!” He was referring to butt of course. ;0)

  60. Julie says:

    Our 2 year old (now 7) had a hard time with the letter “t” and would sub it out for an “f”. When we walked into the Toyota Tundra (truck) show room she started LOUDLY yelling “F*ck” — non stop.

  61. Kathleen says:

    My son, then 4: “Mommy! Stop blowing me!” He had a booboo, and I was cleaning it off with Bactine from the car first aid kit.

    My daughter, then 3, to the entire playgroup: “My mommy has eyebrows on her hiney.” She’d seen me in the shower earlier that day.

    Now they constantly complain that I embarrass them.

  62. Kathleen says:

    I always end the bedtime routine with the song twinkle twinkle. My 3 year old son occasionally joins in with his own version. Twinkle twinkle little BUTT, how I wonder what you BUTT….you get the picture. I just soldier on and finish the song…really just trying not to laugh and failing…

  63. Melissa says:

    5-yr old cousin to my 6-yr old daughter playing superheroes:
    “Pull down your pants and show me your secret identity!”

  64. Whitney says:

    Well, last night as I knelt down to correct my daughter, my pants were a little low, and my 3yo son says, “Oh no, oh no, Mama your pants falling down!” and sticks his finger in my butt crack. Guess my lesson is learned.

  65. Lucy says:

    I swear my 10 month old asked Daddy today, “are you gay?”

  66. Elise says:

    The other night when my 3 1/2 year old did not want to go to bed, he got very adamant and said “Fuck it, I’m NOT going to bed!!!”

    I had to leave the room so I didn’t bust out laughing.

    • amber says:

      I’m with her, that is how I feel! LOL

    • Dana says:

      Good sentence structure! (Wiping tears from eyes)

    • Claire says:

      My 3 year old daughter said a similar thing when told to go to bed ” Mummy that’s a fucked idea”, I disagreed with her and reminded her that fuck is a grown up word, her response “Well, I still fucking don’t want to go bed”. Was impressed with her ability to use the word in context in two different ways.

    • Silya says:

      The other day waiting a VERY long time for lunch my 3 year old daughter out of the blue said “Where’s your fucking food?”. I tried to ignore it but we were with a 7 year old friend who was thrilled and giggling at this outrageous statement… and thus it continued to pop up for days and days.

  67. Rebecca says:

    My daughter liked Barney (Godknows why, we never watched it at home) but she saw my husband naked in the bathroom and said “Mommy, Daddy has a tail like Barney” thank goodness she never repeated that.

  68. Oh the stories I could tell about my very chatty 3 yo! Here’s a small sampling…

    “Mom, I like your fur! My legs don’t have fur on them. Why are your legs furry?”

    “Mom? I need help. My penis is sticking out.”

    “Mom, when you was a cracker I will eat your feet.”

  69. brooke says:

    “mommy, i’m hot. can you blow me?” ummmmmmm

  70. Jessica S. says:

    When my oldest was about 2 or 2.5, he was lying on the floor and bouncing his hips up and down. (I don’t know how to describe that…). He announced to us that he was “shaking my penis!”

  71. Colleen says:

    Using a toy drill on my aunt’s leg “Look, Mom, I’m screwing Aunt Mary!”

  72. Carol says:

    Some near misses: my daughter learned the “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” rhyme in preschool; while crossing the school grounds to pick up her older brother, along with many other parents and young kids, she suddenly belted out “DON’T STEP IN A PIT OR YOU’LL BREAK YOUR MOTHER’S…………” (Pleasenopleasenopleaseno….) (long pause as she searches her limited vocab for something to rhyme with “pit”) “ARMPIT!” (Whew). And then moments later, “Don’t step on the grass …..”

  73. hannah says:

    My son, who just turned 3, and just finished potty training a few months ago, on the potty this morning: “Mama, I’m pooping. Do you smell it? Take a deep breath.”

    Thanks, son.

    • Richain says:

      OK… so I am not the only one whose son likes to discuss the smell and quantity of his poops. “Look mommy… there are three poops in there. Why does it smell in here?”

      • Kristine says:

        Not just little boys. Medium-sized and big boys too. And by that, I mean grown men.

      • Devan says:

        My 6 year old daughter just tonight, jumps off the potty, points into it and screams “NOW you know why it took me so long!!” Yes, baby, thats alot of poop, now please go back to bed. LOL

  74. Elizabeth says:

    I overheard my six year old DS say “If we’re girls than we can have a vagina” ??? !!!!

  75. Shelby says:

    When my DD was leaving a playdate, her friend was outside blowing on a whistle. My DD shouted across the street “my what big breaths you have” but totally sounded like breasts. Plus the friend’s mom was well endowed.

  76. Jodi says:

    Yesterday my 2.5 yr old was standing naked in front of her mirror. Suddenly she proclaimed: “Look! At! My! Bum bum! It’s so PRETTY! And it smells so GOOD!”.
    At least she’s not shy.

  77. Kate says:

    My almost 4 year old has a new baby sister and the other day saw my husband with his shirt off and said, “Dad, does milk come out of your man boobs?” Dad says, “No, only mommies can make milk from their breasts.” Daughter’s response, “That’s right, yours only make water.” Man boobs. Seriously.

  78. Andrea says:

    My 2 year old just started bellowing for his dad by name. “SAM! SAAAAAMMMM!!”

    • Nicole says:

      I used to call my parents by their first names pretty often. Around here, Tim and Lois are a heck of a lot less common than Mom and Dad. Even now, as an adult, I often call them by their first names (mostly dad by his) when in public. Otherwise, I say “mom” and every parent turns and looks at me.

  79. Krista says:

    Just about an hour ago my son was talking to my mom on the phone and said “I’m gonna fart on your tongue” LOL!

  80. Chanda says:

    My poor little guy had to have an enema recently (i think mommy wad just as upset)and between the tears and screams for the entire er to hear he repeatedly screamed “I DO NOT APPRECIATE THIS MOMMY!” I guess he does hear me when I tell him I do not appreciate his bad behavior.

  81. Laura says:

    On our way to my in-laws, our little guy was experimenting with rhyme in the car- truck, buck, luck, fuck, truck, fuck, luck, fuck. I looked at my husband, we both cringed and didn’t say a word. He’d moved on five minutes later thank God.

  82. JNCL says:

    While discussing a bird she saw fly past the other day, my toddler piped up, “I saw a wooden pecker!”

  83. Lisa Lutes says:

    My 3 year old recently told her teacher ‘Nana pooped in her diaper’. She also told people ‘Daddy pooped on the floor’ and ‘Daddy threw my ice cream in the toilet’. None of these things happened.

  84. Lauren says:

    When my son was just learning to talk, we were waiting in line at a store one day behind an African American man and his two small boys. The boys happened to be wearing brightly colored sneakers. Well my son didn’t pronounce the “s” in sneaker at first, and delightedly yelled out and pointed at the boys “Mommy, look at those ‘neakers'”!! I almost died. Luckily, the dad laughed it off when I very quickly explained what he was actually trying to say!

    • Margaret says:

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Rachel says:

      We had been discussing where you go in target or walmart if you somehow get separated from mommy. I pointed out a security guard and we talked about the customer service and cashiers. Later I ask my 3 yr who to go to for help and she enthusiastically says “The black man!” I’m shocked until I remember that the gentleman in question had a security uniform entirely in black. Though he was a black american, she was enthralled with his uniform!

  85. Margaret says:

    I worked as a preschool teacher and it can be difficult in the beginning of the year trying to understand kids. One year, a little girl came up to me and said, “I wike to pwetend to be a titty.” I was stunned until I realized what she was saying was “Kitty”.
    My nephew used to say f*ck instead of truck…when we were at Disneyland and the firetruck came at the end, he once SCREAMED, “F******************ck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”. It was awesome.

  86. Richain says:

    MY first kiddo had issues with the “s” sound… always came out “sh”. At home we would tell him to sit down and he would say “I {sh}it” or “I not {sh}it.” I feared the worst because he goes to a church MDO/Preschool and I know he said it there.

  87. Amy K says:

    once, my 3yo daughter asked to ‘wear’ my bra, and to make it more realistic, I put a pair of rolled up socks in each cup. She was so happy to look grown up and showed her 8yo brother, who said, “Don’t worry, one day your boobies will be long like Mommy’s.” really? thanks.

  88. Mama Gina says:

    I just love that there are now people worldwide sitting around saying, “what” and “butt” aloud to themselves, especially in different accents! LOL

  89. Andrea says:

    My little one doesn’t speak much yet, but my friend’s 3 year old son (at the time) told her: “Mom, I like your penis.” To which she responded: “I don’t have a penis.” To which he said, without thinking twice: “Mom, I like your vagina.”

  90. Virginia says:

    Over the weekend, my four year old called her Uncle “horny like a trumpet”! We all had a good laugh at that!

  91. K says:

    My 3 year old recently told me that she’d put something UP her bum. *cue mummy freaking out, trying to figure out what it is and how to retrieve it* After much questioning, she laughs at me and says “I’m just kidding haha” Crazy kids!

  92. Jessie says:

    While riding in the car, my daughter saw a sign advertising a certain heritage festival. Hardly able to contain her excitement, she screams out, “Mommy, PLEASE can we go to the Phila-penis Festival?” Um? I think she meant Phillipino

  93. kj says:

    There is a local theater company putting on the play “No Sex Please, we’re British” and there is a large sign announcing the production in a vacant lot near where we live. My six year old love to read anything and everything, so as we are driving she says:
    “mom, what is Sex? That sign says No Sex Please”
    “Really…..can you spell it?
    “S. E. X.”
    “Yup – that spells sex”
    “Is it like exercise? It sounds like exercise….maybe they don’t want you playing in the grassy area. Or maybe its yoga or gymnastics”
    “Yeah….something like that. They probably don’t want any of that on the grass”

  94. Darcy says:

    My munchkin isn’t much of a talker, even if he is nearly two. He does run around the house growling and pulling himslef out of his diaper… I totally got flashed yesterday.

  95. 3 year old son ripped one on the couch.
    Me: “Ew! You pooted!”
    Him: “No Mom. I farted.”
    *sigh*
    Yes you did, honey. Like a man….

  96. Lynn says:

    My five year old son had what my husband refers to as ‘morning wood.’ He told me it was hard to get his pants on right. I assured him is was ok, and that it happened to all guys. He said, “To mommies too?” I said, no, we don’t have those. He said, “Then your fuzzies get stiff, right?”

  97. Samantha McCormick says:

    My friend’s son was obsessed with Pirate Booty (popcorn treat only sold at Trader Joes). Store full of shoppers and he is yelling at the top of his lungs “Mom, I want booty!!!!! Mom, I need booty!!!!!”

  98. Shannon says:

    My 2.5 year old watched the Lion King for the first time. I decided to let her watch all the parts and gage her reaction to the “scary” parts. When Mufasa died, she asked me about it, so I decided to be accurate and said “He Died and Simba is very sad.” The whole next day she would go on tirades about this scene: “Dad died. Climbing, climbing. Fall Down. Died. Sad. Daddy sleep. Tired.” Out of context it made it sound like her dad had died! Awkward.

    • Lissa says:

      After watching Lion King for the first time, my two year old daughter immediately pulled out her zoo set and put the lion on the top of a waterfall and pushed it off. A bit not good.

  99. Dee says:

    my 3 year old son pointing at his nipples
    Noah – I have two
    Me – two of what?
    Noah – this! (huh) you have two?
    me – I do
    Noah – I see?
    Me – er No
    Noah – Daddy see ( giggles from me)

  100. Jen says:

    Mommy your breath is super stinky. Like a poo poo dinosaur.

  101. Dave says:

    My daughter Alice Bee who is almost 2, was on the potty the other day and loudly proclaimed “I love to poop!” Because I laughed at this exclamation, this has now become one of her favorite things to say.

  102. Fuchsia says:

    At the dinner table (big family dinner) recently my four year old daughter pipes up that her friend at school told her that “You have to shake your penis!”. Dead silence at the table. I said “and what did you say? She told him apparently “that is is a pee pee.”

    When I spoke to her preschool teacher she let me know that the small boy has 2 older brothers and it is probably really funny to them. But saying it at school to a girl didn’t get the response he was expecting. So he said it again…louder. And again…even louder. Until the teacher hear him from ACROSS THE ROOM! So now I have an image in my mind of a small boy yelling at the top of his lungs “You have to shake your penis! You have to shake you penis!” It may be true, but it still isn’t appropriate for preschool! lol. That poor teacher.

    No wonder my daughter informed us of it at dinner. Thank goodness no one chocked on their lasagna.

  103. Tanya says:

    I love these tidbits…

    From the backseat, one of my daughters (about 4 at the time) asked “Does Santa make love?”

    Hhhmmm. My response: “Not in the toy shop with the elves.”

    Satisfied her…

  104. Marion says:

    My 2 year old daughter says in French “bite” instead of “vite”, which translates to “dick” instead of “quick” ! Talk about akward, especially in the shop or walking on the streets…

    • Nicole says:

      My little brother had that problem too. Now I know why my french grand parents stifled laughs when he would speak french to them.
      (Our first language is english, but we were educated in french. Paternal grandparents are french.)

  105. Charlotte says:

    We just got back from the store, where my 3 year old son sat in the grocery cart and said: I’m a bitch, mamma!

    I said: Excuse me, what did you say?

    I’m a bridge, mamma!

    Phew…

  106. Sarah says:

    At the Children’s Museum the other day my son yelled out, in the middle of the dig pit: “Don’t touch my bunghole!”

    In reference to my husband always telling my son to stand up in the bathtub so he can wash his bunghole. We looked at each other in horror.

  107. Anastasia says:

    I thought I had been controlling my language pretty well. Then the other day I did something stupid like stub my toe or something. Before I could think I yelled: “Son of a” and gritted my teeth and stopped there. My son finished it for me. Daddy doesn’t say that phrase. (He says much worse, but that’s a different story.) But to hear the word Bitch come from my baby’s mouth was both hilarious and horrifying!

  108. Kathy says:

    NOT random. In the grocery store and some grandmother type snags me aside and starts to tell me that she has noticed me before and thinks my kids are so well behaved. She goes on and on about what angels she thinks they are. Then I make the mistake of feeling a little bit proud. She turns to leave and my 6 year old son shouts at the top of his lungs “Momma, that lady has a reeeeeeeeally BIG BUTT!” I’m pretty sure her opinion of my kids took a 180 degree turn. In his defense it WAS abnormally ginormous.

  109. Wendy says:

    My 3 yr old is into saying odd things like that right now.

    One day while he was on the potty he said he wanted to poop so big it would touch the ceiling.

    Yesterday when I was getting him in his PJs I asked him if he had to go potty. He said “I want to pee on your head!” Nice….

    My older son when he was 4 said “Look Mom, it’s a growing thing” while he was grabbing himself.

    He also asked my husband when they were at the store and saw someone that was very overweight “Is that the fat lady we saw on tv?!” very loudly. I guess there was some weight loss story on good morning america that day.

    My daughter stopped taking showers with me when she was little when I had bent over and she flung my boob and was cracking up watching it swing.

  110. Elizabeth says:

    Here’s mine: Husband chasing a mouse through the house that our cats brought in, me running behind him attempting to help catch the mouse, and our two-year old running behind us yelling “Damnit!”

  111. Jenny says:

    my 5 year old daughter: Mommy, I’m almost as tall as you.

    Me: no you are not, silly.

    her: I’m almost up to your lumps

    (pause)

    me: you mean my lovely lady lumps?

  112. Boo says:

    “Mummy, my arse is slipping off the swing” after careful talk about how “some words are like knives and only for grown ups”, we got:
    “mummy, Bottom is a child word. Grown ups can say arse. When i am big and strong I can say arse.”
    Then he stops in the street and wiggles about – “what are you doing?”
    “my bollocks are twisted up” again, the conversation about grown up words and later… You guessed it “i can’t say bollocks, Mummy, I can say balls, but grown ups say bollocks. It is ok, mummy,
    I am not saying the word I am just saying how grown ups can say bollocks….”

    • Jen says:

      lol, love it.

      My 5 year old son: Mum I’m not allowed to say bugger am I?
      Me: No dear you are not.
      Son: I knew it, I knew I wasn’t allowed to say bugger, bugger is a grown-up word. Don’t worry mum I won’t say bugger again
      Me: *desperately trying not to laugh* good, well done

  113. Jenn (dish) says:

    Ok, not spoken, but along the same thread…my son was completing the portion of his homework where he has to compose five sentences using the week’s spelling words. He came up with the following: “Mommy cocks with pot.” Thankfully, I check homework before it is submitted. We modified the invented spelling and he caught the missing “a” himself. Phew!

  114. Jennifer says:

    My darling 6 yr old decided she needed to shower with me one day and as she washed her body says “I hope I have big jiggly boobies like you when I get big!” My response: “ummmm thanks. I think.” Lol

  115. Bekah says:

    my 2yr old daughters first wee on a public toilet *pssssst* ‘ hooray! toottoot mummy!’ *flush* ‘ byebye toottoot, have fun!’

  116. Fonz says:

    My 3 yo. has a fascination for nipples, which she calls nickels. She also likes rhyming so she sings ‘Tickle on the nickels’, whilst trying to get her hands down my top. Not embarrassing at all ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Melanie says:

      When my son was little i often wore comfy exercise clothes with no pockets, and I would stick my cell phone in my sports bra in the nice little space between my breasts. My son knew it was there and would sometimes reach down my shirt to grab it. Had to stop that when he started immediately reaching straight down the shirts of every woman who picked him up. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  117. Rosanne C says:

    So, on the morning of the Thanksgiving pageant, my son’s teacher (pre-k at a Christian school) told me that she hoped he made it through the song. She was concerned because he’d been playing the rhyming game with the song they had to sing. He does this all the time, and she and I both know better to react when he runs through swears or near-swears, because he always moves on. But for some reason, he stuck to this one. Instead of singing “thankful all the year,” he was singing “thankful for all the beer.”

    So I started up the video camera and…he did it right!
    ๐Ÿ™ No funny video bonus for us, lol!

  118. Jennifer says:

    My 3 year old son puts his arms out so I can’t pass (in the hall or kitchen) He says “What’s the magic word?” It’s always “butt” He just cracks up after I say it.

  119. Jay says:

    My daughter has suddenly become obsessed with playing on the computer, so every day she asks “Can I play on your ‘pooter?” Eek. Awkward. But we are working on her annunciation…

  120. Nikita says:

    Some days back, my 8yo son asks hubby “Dad, whts ur favourite hobby? I’ll give u a clue – It starts with F and ends with G” !!! We look at each other wondering wht he ws gettin at… My 12yo daughter laughs hysterically n none of us cud propose an answer. Finally he says – “FEEDING” (breathe)!!! The bckground ws tht a couple of weeks earlier, hubby dear had announced tht he loves to feed the son as it makes him happy to c him eating well ๐Ÿ™‚

  121. Sue says:

    Hitting my boobs:
    “Mommy, I like your Milkers!”

    We were trying to be anatomically correct in how we describe our bodies and what mommy’s breasts do… but maybe a little too much so!

  122. Leonora says:

    When my now 5-year-old was about 2, she had a book about penquins. Only she hadn’t mastered saying “penquins” quite yet. We’d laugh about it when it happened, but it was taken to a whole new level of hilarity when some friends were over and she came running downstairs so excited to show them her “penis book.”

  123. Mandy says:

    My 3 year old son was going through a “power” phase. For example, one night he was in bed after I had given him a bandaid & he was yelling “Mommy power! Bandaid power!” And he would say it about everything. So a few days later we went to a very small electronics store to look at cell phones. He found a phone he liked that was white. He screamed “white power!” repeatedly until I finally made my husband take him out to the car while I finished up in the store.

  124. Brooke says:

    Someone elses post here reminds me of the time I was in Walmart with my toddlers. The oldest was 2.5years old then and he kept saying he wanted to watch “f#%k you”. People were looking at me in shock that my kid was saying such a thing. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. Later on we realized he was really saying Fox News.

    • Robonanny says:

      My son said the same thing, but it meant “vacuum”, so luckily usually went something along the lines of:

      “My big boy, my help Mummy, my use the f#%k you cleaner now”…!

  125. Claudia says:

    My son, almost 20 months, likes to help when we get dressed. He LOVES putting the clothes away. (Awesome!) But he always has to pause when I change my shirt. He sees my chest and grins HUGE and starts signing “milk.” Same when he finds my bras in the laundry basket. One day, though, a couple months ago, he realized he and daddy have the same part below…and likes to point at daddy’s and then his own, through his pants. We say, “Yep, daddy has and penis, and so do you!” So then he saw me changing my underwear, and points and looks at me like, “What the heck do you call that?!” So…we look at each other, and I say, “Uh…that’s mama’s vagina.” (Keep in mind no sound anything like penis has escaped his lips yet.) And he looks back at me and says, “Juh-jiy-juh?” Couldn’t help but laugh…and pray that would be the only time that came out.

  126. Julie says:

    On the rhyming scheme – I was reading a book to my kids that rhymed “bah bah” with “in the car”. Guess that author was from New England. ๐Ÿ™‚

  127. Laura says:

    This weekend I was sat at my folk’s house, talking to my dad, when my 3 year old boy came into the room, climbed onto my lap and pulled the top of my t-shirt down and then told me he “wanted to see my boobies”. When I tried (read: made half an attempt) to put my top back, he frowned, held out a ‘stop’ hand and said “Mummy, I’m not going to touch them – I just need to stare at them”.
    Couldn’t have loved him any more since seeing my dad visibly retract into himself was worth it tenfold.

  128. Marie says:

    I’ve got two. The first is my 2.5 year old. I recently had a new baby and now my daughter goes around pulling up her shirt and sticking the dolly/teddy/etc face against her belly button and saying “Drink ME milk!” It makes us laugh…

    Anyway. A few years back my cousin’s little boy was eating a snack in church. During the prayer he kept asking for something and we kept shushing him. Well, right after the speaker said “Amen”, in that lovely complete silence, he shouts, “I want a FORK!” Only it didn’t sound like fork. *blush*

  129. elizabeth says:

    My son is 4 1/2. He’s been at pre-school all year this year. Where we live in Queensland, Australia they call it pre-prep (Prep is the first year of primary school). He calls it pee-crap. It’s awesome

  130. Robin M. says:

    My son, age 4.5, said to me: “Hey! There are two kinds of crotches!” And I say, “Are there?” wondering if he is going to explain to me that girls and boys have different crotches. But no. This is what he said: “There’s the kind of crotch where my penis lives, and the kind of crotch that Jesus died on!”

  131. Elaine says:

    My then 3 y.o., after seeing her daddy in the shower, wanted to know why daddy had a handle on his front bottom.

  132. Gail says:

    My 6 year old girl and 4 year old son were in their rooms putting on their pajamas one evening. The boy said to the girl, “Hey, I just farted!” (giggles all around). The girl replied, “I farted too!” (more giggles). The boy got all excited, “Say! I have a great idea! Let’s have a FART SHOW!!”

    I’m raising one classy bunch.

  133. Heather says:

    When my daughter was younger, around 4, she watched The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. She started randomly stopping in public places, holding still and yelling “I’m stoned”. This was because the witch had turned her to stone.
    Around the same time my friend had a large Iguana named DoobieMonster, but everyone just called him Doobie. My daughter went to day care and told them about how she wanted a doobie. I had to explain to them that it was a large lizard and not a joint that she wanted.

  134. Larissa says:

    When my eldest was about 18mths-2 years, he loved pulling my shirt out, looking down, punching the air with little meaty fists and yell “YAY!! BOOBIES!!”.

    He did this to my poor sister in law one day, outside a building site….the workmen didn’t disagree.

  135. Lisa Kelsey says:

    My three-and-a-half year old demanded an explanation for my afternoon doctor’s appointment, so I provided her a toddler-level description of a mammogram. Upon my return, she looked up from her snack and asked, “How are your boobs, Mom?”

  136. leah says:

    Our youngest son (2) has the “F” for “tr” sound going on right now. My husband was telling his mom about our sons love of monter trucks right now, and how it comes out monster fucks. His mom said his cousin had the same issue with pronouncing the tr sound. His uncle was a truck driver. His cousin, when asked what her dad did, would tell them “He’s a fucker.” or He’s a fuck driver.”

  137. Bryony says:

    When I came out of the shower my 2 year old told me I should go and get dressed and make sure I cover my nipples ?! (No I don’t walk around in dodgy peekaboo bras)

  138. My whole day is nothing but randomly inappropriate utterances… but nothing to top these comments! I am DYING HERE! HA HA HA!

  139. Neha says:

    After finishing up in the public restroom, my 2 year old son informed me that it was my turn. As I started to go, he looked very concerned, moved around to the back of the toilet and then gently put his hand on my back. “Ok, Mama. You want to do pee pee from your bum. That’s okay. That’s just fine. I do it standing up, but you can pee pee from your bottom.” There were some shocked expressions from the ladies outside as I walked out, red in the face.

  140. Julie says:

    This thread is beyond awesome! the accents and rhyme talk. Standard English! ( Love) I laughed so hard I nearly woke up my sleeping kids knocked out by stomach flu. Hilarious stuff!
    My son 3.5 told me I had “great boobs” once getting dressed in the morning. He’s 5 now and said yesterday ” Hey Look Mom, my penis is huge. ” I glanced over and said simply,”yeah, remember that sometimes happens.” ” Yes, but it hasn’t been huge for a long time! Look at it!” Sigh Boys…

  141. Mel says:

    My 3 yr old son walks through the room looking down and running his hand around inside his pants. I asked him what the problem was. He didn’t look up, just answered, “I have a drill in here somewhere.”

    Later he came through and was looking for a screw driver. “I keep all my tools in here.” Really hoping this game gets old soon. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  142. Heather says:

    In the grocery store yesterday, my four-year-old shouted: “Mama! Come here! I want to kiss your breasts!”

  143. Sadie says:

    My 4 yo DD, while looking at a book about Gorillas, said “Hey that looks just like Daddy!”

  144. Erin says:

    I have two: My two year old has stopped asking to nurse and demanding, ‘Mommy, I drink your booby now!’ And then today, at the Farmer’s market she dropped her cup of tea and said, ‘Dammit! Mommy, I dropped my Tea!’ I guess I need to edit my language a bit.

  145. Ellen says:

    My three-year old is into sizes. And, well, his penis. This beauty was uttered at the supermarket the other day: “I’ve got a penis. Baby has got a little penis. Mummy has a big penis (WTF?). Daddy has got a big BIG penis.”

    The lady at the checkout was a bit flustered as to what to respond to that one…!

    • Stephanie says:

      My son, at age 3, was in a shopping cart at Costco, being pushed by his grandma. He announced, randomly, to her (as they were passing two very elderly ladies): “You don’t have a penis, Grandma. Only boys have a penis. I have a penis.” Grandma was a bit…nonplussed. The elderly ladies were horrified and quickly moved away. One aisle over, I was laughing hysterically and wondering how many times a three year old could say penis in one breath!

    • Frances says:

      Knock, knock!

      Who’s there?

      Banana.

      Banana who?

      Bananas don’t have penises, mommy!

      He cracks himself up.

    • Becca says:

      My daughter did almost the same thing! One morning she ran into our bedroom and got a good look at her parents before we had any clothes on. She started hopping up and down and yelling “I have a tiny ‘gina! Mommy have a big ‘gina! And Papa have a looooong ‘gina!”

      After that, my husband started getting dressed in the closet.

  146. Robonanny says:

    I’m from New Zealand originally but live in the UK. I take my son to great classes where we both learn some Maori, including action songs. It was all well and good till he went to school and I realised that some of the terms that I took for granted could be misunderstood.

    His favourite action song in Maori finishes with the instruction “pakipaki”, which means to clap your hands (Paki is a term of racist abuse here, good start)… and his badge for good listening says “whakarongo mai” (listen up) but those first five letters are easily misheard as “fucker” by those unfamiliar with Maori, ie pretty much everyone at his school!

  147. My two year old at the Bev Mo 5 cent wine sale:

    “Wow! Look mommy! Look all your WINE! Big wine! I want WINE! Can I have Wine?!”

    Every. Person. Stared.

  148. jessica says:

    My boys are 8, 11, 14, and 17. The bathroom talk, fart jokes, etc don’t stop. They get better.

  149. Stephanie says:

    In the ladies room at Lowe’s with my newly turned 4 year old son. He was in his own stall, taking care of his own business (he’s very adept now and rarely requires my assistance, which is nice!). I asked if he was doing ok and if he needed my helping snapping his jeans back up. “No, Mom. I can do it my ownself. I’m just getting some paper towel for my penis, because it’s a little wet still.” Me: “Ummm…” The lady two stalls down, meanwhile, is lost in gales of laughter. Oh my….

  150. Shawn says:

    My 3 year old daughter refuses to let me go to the bathroom without her presence. If I race in there and lock the door, she gets angry and bangs on it (I don’t open up!). The other day, I was using the restroom, and she says:
    “Mommy, you have a BIG tush!”
    then “Mommy, you have a SUPER big tush!”
    then “Mommy, I like your underwear!”
    THEN “Mommy, I like your stinky butt!”
    So, we’re together on the butt thing. Ah, kids!

  151. Melissa says:

    My almost 3 year old: “Mommy? ‘Member dat cat we saw dat was hit by a caw? I dink someun took it, filled it wid chocolate and finished it.” Say what?

  152. Julie says:

    We own an embroidery company and have several manequins for hanging garments on. Our 3 year old DS was very unhappy with an unclothed woman mannequin one day, and when I asked him what was wrong with it, he said, “The nanas (our name for breasts) are too high. They’re s’posed to hang down like yours!”

  153. LeAnn says:

    My almost 3 year old son says, twice a day, “Where’s mine wanky?”

    What he is ACTUALLY saying is “Where’s my blanky?” Around people we don’t know, its really embarrassing!

  154. Oh yes. At the dinner table a few months ago, my two year old let out the loudest fart ever.

    Me: “LUCY! Did you just toot in your britches?!”
    Lucy: “YEAH!!! I TOOTED BITCHES!!”

  155. Helen says:

    Just last night I told my son to take the cat out as she had been in the rain, to which he replied “come here you wet pussy!” My husband and I were beside ourselves!

  156. Cassi says:

    Okay. There have been many boob stories, but I think I can compete. My youngest was not happy about being weaned, but several months later, we all figured he was over it. I have this one shirt, a mock twinset, that he enjoys playing with when I wear it, undoing the front and fastening himself back up in it. Then he gets out and does it again. This particular day, I got frustrate with it and yanked the shirt off. His little eyes lit up and he exclaimed with great delight, “MY BOOBIES!!!” Yeah. Not over it.

  157. Recently from my 7 year old who is currently finding anything to do with the concept of sex fascinating. “What do you (meaning me personally) do when you have sex?” Me: That’s not a conversation I’m willing to have with you. It isn’t appropriate.” Him ” Tell me” Tell me! I want to know!!” Er…. NO!

    And from when he was 4 and going through a phase of wearing dresses and skirts. Him dressed head to toe in pink and wearing a skirt, pointed to a man in the supermarket and said ‘He has a penis like me!” “Yes darling, he has” I replied, getting some confused looks!

  158. Marilyn says:

    I took my newly-potty-trained niece to a public restroom where we each went into a stall to …you know. While in progress, she belts out at the top of her lungs: “Aunt Mare, you make me proud!”

    When my son was not quite 3 he came back from visiting the little girl next door and said “hey mom, when I smell Jenni’s feet my peeper stands up!”

    *sigh*

  159. Julie says:

    When my son was 2 one of his favorite places to go was to the museum near our house. He would get so excited when we got there, he would just want to scream, “MUSEUM” at the top of his lungs over and over. Keep in mind, the museum is a relatively quiet place, and his vocabulary wasn’t that great. Instead of screaming “MUSEUM” over and over, he was screaming “SEMEN! SEMEN! SEMEN!”

  160. Lisa says:

    My 4 year old told me that he wanted be an egg again and “go bavk into my china.”

  161. ACsMama says:

    My 3yo was spending a looooong time on the toilet the other day, and I asked her what she was doing and if she needed help.
    “Nothing, Mommy, don’t worry. I’m just looking at my ‘gina. Look, there’s a hole in there! Does your ‘gina have a hole, Mommy? Let me see.”

    She also apparently traumatized another little girl at preschool by pretending to kill and cook a rabbit (from a movie her Daddy was watching the other day) – the other little girl has a pet rabbit. Oops. Oh, and she also calls rabbits “Bummy wabbits” which always makes me giggle a bit :D.

  162. Connie says:

    I seem to have picked this up WAAAY too late. But, back to the “what/butt” being regional–I once dated a transplant from Madison, Wisconsin. He would call me and ask,” So, wotcha’ ban doin’?” Not sure if all pronounce the word that way, but his family certainly did!

  163. Kim Hargis says:

    Man, these comments are killing me! Love it. Ok, here’s my story:

    It was Thanksgiving. We always fry our turkey, and my husband was injecting the turkey with marinade with the long needle looking thing. And my daughter, who is 4, was watching and shouting at Daddy, “Poke him in the butt, Daddy! Stick him in the butt!” She later realized how the injector worked and switched to “Squirt him in the butt Daddy!”

  164. joyce says:

    In our house and most public places when the question is “guess what?!” And I say “I don’t know… What?” The response I get is “PENIS!!!!!!” I never thought that the word PENIS could be said so many times in one day until I become the mother of a little boy.

  165. I used a mini gingerbread man cutter to cut shapes in some lunch meat and she said “I love to eat the man meat.”

  166. Amye says:

    When my 11 year old was three, I asked her where babies come from. She tells me, “I fell out of you bum bum”. Just like that. โ™ฅ

  167. Karen says:

    My 3.5 year old to me… “Stop fucking me!” I blame my husband for the f bomb! We were brushing teeth btw.

  168. Mrs Mac says:

    My daughter, at age not quite 2, but quite the little talker, was at a friends home playing. She collected macadamia nuts in the yard and with much excitement asked “I need a butt f***er”. Bug eyed my friend realised she was asking for a nut cracker. Australia
    Yes in Australia nut and butt rhyme, but cracker and f***er only would rhyme if your articulation was not clear or you’re only nearly 2. Luckily my friend thought it hilarious and didn’t rush us out the door.

  169. Jillian says:

    When I was pregnant with son #2, my oldest boy (who was 6 at the time) started getting more curious about how babies were made. He knew that a man and a lady had a ‘special cuddle’ to make a baby, but that was now no longer enough information. I explained that Mum and Dad had a ‘special cuddle’ to make the baby, to which he replied “When?” to which I just shrugged and said “Er, I don’t know…”
    I alsmost choked with what came next,
    “Uh, next time can I watch?”

    Ummmm, No!!!

  170. Sherrynjv says:

    My daughter told me boys have penises and girls have vaginises ๐Ÿ˜‰

  171. SD Murray says:

    My son called one of his grandmothers “Grandma Booger” because she always called him “My little Booger” or “I’m going to get you you little booger-boo!” (she’s southern) His entire daycare LOVED calling out “Booger’s here!” “Hi Booger!” when she visited.

    We were grocery shopping one day when my son spotted an older woman with gray hair. He pointed and yelled in that excited toddler squeak that draws the attention of everyone within 4 blocks: “Mom! Look! It’s BOOGER! I see BOOGER!” The poor woman (who was NOT my mother-in-law) turned red, covered her nose and whisked her cart down the next aisle.

    • Lauren Foley says:

      I did something similar when I was little. My grandfather used to jokingly call my grandmother “the old battle axe” which apparently was some sort of insult to women in his generation. Well it stuck, and my cousins and I all used to call grandma “battle axe” from time to time. Then one day we were out shopping at the mall with them, and I shouted “hey battle axe!” at some woman I thought was my grandma, except it wasn’t! She was really insulted, and my grandpa and I just skulked away!

  172. DaniW says:

    My 3yr old has trouble with the “shh” sound. Unfortunately, he loves the Thomas the Tank Engine song and sings it a lot – very loudly. Not so great when he replaces “shunting trucks” with “c#^*ting trucks”! All very innocent of course – he just can’t say “sh”.

    The struggle is trying to get him to say it correctly without alerting him to the fact that he is saying a very naughty word! After all, naughty words are the funniest to say….

  173. Nikki says:

    My almost 6 year old daughter was caught up in a cartoon the other day, the bad guys were doing something mean to the good guys, and she yelled to the good guys,

    “Keep their penises!”

    What the? Why did you say that, darling?

    “Because the baddies are being mean to them, they should keep their penises!” *cheeky smile*

    I didn’t know quite what to say…I guess it just means she has absorbed the message that genitals are an important part of one’s anatomy, and one would not like to be without them?

  174. Lynn says:

    A few months ago, I finally started distinguishing butt and vagina to my 3 year old (up until now, I called the whole area “butt”). But I apparently didn’t explain very well because a day or so later she was putting things in a purse…only she was calling it “vagina”. And she was giving me a play by play about what she was putting in her “vagina”. OMG, I had reteach that lesson immediately!

  175. Diana says:

    “I can’t eat pee, and I can’t eat poop.” “I can’t eat the school bus.”

  176. Melissa says:

    This gem isn’t mine, but my sister’s. Her fam went to TX for Thanksgiving to visit her husband’s family and while there they took the kiddos to a hotel swimming pool. Sister’s youngest, who is adopted from Haiti, and three little “white” boys are swimming happily. Afterward they go to the room to get dried off and change. My sister then hears:

    4 year old “white” boy to 7 year old Haitian:

    “Wow, Woovens that’s a nice brown penis you have. Look Carter (his brother) at his penis.”

    My sister said she had to leave the room to laugh.

  177. Wendi says:

    My daughter refers to all her girl parts as her heiny. Once not long after she turned 3, we were in Publix and stopped to use the restroom. I took her in the stall with me and as I’m pulling up my pants, she exclaims loudly, “Mommy, you have a fuzzy heiny!!!”

  178. Leslie says:

    When my daughter was about 2.5, upon seeing naked daddy scrambling out of bed first thing in the morning: “daddy, is that your tail?”

  179. Lisa K says:

    I love that you used the term assonance in discussing the pronunciation of the word “butt.”

  180. AMama says:

    Not random, but high marks for inappropriate:
    A few weeks ago I accused my 4 yo of being a toy hoarder. She replies, “I am NOT a toy whore.” Catching the error, I correct her, “Toy Hoar-Der.” Emphasis on the “D.” She repeats, “Hoar-Der.”
    Perfect! Walking away satisfied, I hear her turn to her 2 yo sister and say, “You’re a toy whore.” Whoops.

  181. jenbloomer says:

    These stories are awesome! Thanks for sharing! Here is mine:
    My 5yo burst into the bathroom just as I was putting in a new tampon. He froze in place, and with his eyes as big as saucers, asked, “Mom, why are you putting that in your butt?” After I got over my hysterical laughter, I did my best to explain. LOL

  182. Little girl dressed up in pirate costume, complete with hook.

    “Look ma! I’m a pirate with a hook! I’m a pirate hooker”.

    Wow. Yeah, gonna <a href=http://mcmillerpdx.blogspot.com"blog " that.

  183. Messed up the html on that one! Sorry!

  184. Himay says:

    my potty-training 3 year old niece to her grandma:
    3: Smell my finger.
    g: why?
    3: It’s stinky.
    g: why is it stinky?
    3: cuz I stuck it up my butt to see if I was wet.

  185. MomOfThree says:

    I was in the dressing room while my mother and 3 year old son were outside waiting for me. I had lost a bit of weight and wanted to buy a pretty top insted of the baggy t’s I’d been wearing. I came out to see what my mom thought, and my son yelled loudly so the whole store could hear “Look, Mom got new boobs!”

  186. Mama Bird says:

    My daughter removed her diaper today instead of napping.

    me: “quit throwing diapers at my head! I don’t like it.”

    bare butt baby runs away making sign for poop and laughing.

    frantic chase from me “NOOOO!”

  187. Lauren says:

    My 4 year old and I were discussing heaven, after he asked me where my grandparents were and I had said that they had died and gone to heaven. Then he asked if they were kept in cages to stop them from getting out….

  188. Meredith says:

    My two year old daughter saw me in my terry bathrobe and towel turban the other day and said “ooohh…mommy. Why are you all dressed up? You’re so pretty!”

    Ummm…I know it’s a departure from yoga pants…but is it really a step up to her?

  189. Sarah Johnson says:

    My husband took my daughter to Barnes and Noble when she was around 18mo and there was a lady reading a book. He took her over there and it was a book about a belly button. The lady lifts up her shirt a little shows her belly button and asks the kid if they can find theirs. My daughter lifts up her shirt all the way and yells “CHI CHIS” (boobs in spanish). My husband almost died.

  190. DianeMargaret says:

    My 2.5 year old daughter has become utterly fascinated with BURPS!!! She fake burps all the time!!!
    The other day, my mom and I were trying DESPERATELY to ignore her as she sat in the cart happily counting burps. “*BRAAAAPPP*, one. *BRAAAAPPP*, two. *BRAAAAPPP*, three…..”.
    She got all the way to 25 before we couldn’t hold it in any more!!! We probably would have been FINE, if we hadn’t made eye contact! In no time at all, all three of us were laughing maniacally!

    It’s SO hard to teach her not to do something when I can’t quit laughing!!!

  191. M Tapp says:

    I am dying over here!!

    Here’s mine. When my older daughter was about 3, she walked in on DH doing his business in the bathroom. She came running to me all excited, “Mommy! I saw Daddy’s snake!”

  192. Jessie says:

    My 3 yr old has this thing he does where he runs around the house and says ‘abra, abra, zap _____’ and then he ‘turns’ us into someone/thing else (he’ll turn me into daddy, or a potato, etc). Today, we were laying down together for a nap and he said to me ‘abra, abra, zap penis’. We had to have a little chat about it not being okay to turn people into body parts. When I told my parents and siblings the story this evening, it was hilarious.

  193. joanna says:

    My 4 yr old yesterday responded when he didn’t like my answer “well I’m going to turn that big thing behind you into boobs”. referring to my butt!

    • Moji says:

      Ok. This is the one of the best posts I’ve read in a while. Isn’t this why we have kids? Because they make us laugh so much? And yes, my 4 year old son has also convinced me that men love boobs and butt from a very very young age.

  194. L says:

    My two year old came running up to me the other day in the park in front of the other Moms and said, “Mommy! I have gassies and it came out of my huge penis!” I didn’t even know
    what to say about that one…

  195. deb says:

    now that i can type again!…..don’t have a rhyme but a funny word…when my child was a pre-schooler, we rode with his daddy one day to drop the older kids at school. when he returned home he was all excited (not happy-excited, though) that there was a rectangle at the end of our street. a RECTANGLE, mommy!

    my husband came in behind him telling me there had been an accident at the end of our street. a wreck.

    therefore a “wrecktangle” as it were…

  196. Nancy L says:

    When my son was 3, he and I were in a public bathroom…he was done and it was my turn. He asks, loudly, “Mommy, do you have a pee-pee, or just a hole?” I answered, dejectedly, “just a hole.” ‘Cause sometimes that’s how I felt. Like I was just…a….hole.

  197. Jon says:

    Me to my then 6-year-old daughter: You seem to kick your covers off every night when you sleep.

    Daughter to me: Yeah, I’m really hot in bed.

  198. Jo says:

    Do I dare ask one of my NZ clients to say “what” & ” butt” so I can hear how they don’t rhyme in NZ. They rhyme in California.

  199. Kissha says:

    Waiting in line for our food, my daughter burst into song, ” VAGINA, VAGINA, the crazy VAGINA sooooong!”

  200. Oh My son commented that I had a nice dress and then said ” Oh and Nice Breasts Mum!” I think I have my husband to thank for that! I also get the “Mum you have big fat boobies!!” Thanks Phil :s

  201. Janelle says:

    This was my 8yo daughter just tonight. I’m getting over the flu so dinner was random. she chose to make herself some easy mac. As she started eating it she blurts out:

    “this is so hot on so many levels”.

    talk about misuse of a cliche phrase! i didn’t laugh (out loud) but i did immediately post it where i’ll eventually print and bind it neatly for her to rediscover someday ๐Ÿ˜‰

    i was an awesome mom and didn’t even laugh out loud.

    • Monica says:

      LMAO.. that is so hilarious!! I bet she won’t believe she ever said that, once she’s all grown up and understand the cliche ๐Ÿ˜€

  202. sarah says:

    The other day I climbed into the car, and said under my breath “s**t I forgot something”. My almost-3-yr old in the back seat says “you should say f**k. momma”. My husband and I were trying so hard not to laugh for a full five minutes.

  203. Monica says:

    Here in South Africa it also rhymes ๐Ÿ™‚

    The “Guess what?” “Chicken butt!” made me think of the Afrikaans version the kids use, it is more of ‘n little rhyme (yes, gross I know!! must have been a toddler that made that up!!)

    I’ll translate in English, but offcourse direct translate won’t rhyme ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Weet jy wat?
    Kat se gat
    Lek hom nat
    dan weet jy wat
    ———————–
    Guess what?
    The cat’s butt
    Lick it wet
    then you’ll know what

  204. Kara says:

    I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for my husband’s family, there were 16 of us total. Imagine my surprise when I looked up from the table to discover my sister-in-law breastfeeding, at the table, without a cover, while we were all eating. I asked if she’d be more comfortable sitting on one of the sofas at the other end of the room. “No. Why should I move?” Sigh.

  205. Whitney says:

    We were in the car with my 5 year old niece and my husband said to my “we need to hurry up, I’m going to have butt pee (his nice way of saying he was going to have diarrhea)”. My niece contemplated it and corrected him that he can not pee from his butt, only girls can pee from their vaginas. Well, guess he has to hold it then!

  206. tangomum says:

    When our daughter was 18mo, she couldn’t say “firetruck”. It sounded more like “fu-cuck!”. But she would yell it at the top of her voice when she saw a firetruck because she was, and still is, obsessed with firetrucks. We live next to a fire station… Many startled looks from innocent passers-by.
    Now she is just two and very vocal. The other day, while she was sitting on the toilet having a good poop, we were having a chat about the appropriate places for pee and poop. She looked at me mischievously and said, “Poop goes in mummy’s uterus.” Thanks, kid.

  207. Tracy says:

    This was great! My 4 year old told me the other day, “I pooped you out!” In which my 3 year old then said to me, “You stinky skunk! You need a bath.” Thanks, guys. Yesterday, the 4 year old said he was going to rip my head off. Then laughed like a manic. Did I mention we were out shopping? In a crowded store? I definitely heard some muffled snickering.

  208. Rachel says:

    We currently have a bit of a fixation with testicles. My boys find the whole thing intriguing, probably because it’s something they have and I don’t. “Do all boys have testicles?” asks my 4 year old. We were in the park and we unexpectedly met of my clients – a senior project manager for one of the UK’s largest energy companies. He was there with his small boys too – it was nice! That is, until my 4 year old piped up, “Mummy, does your work friend have testicles?” There’s been a noticable drop off in contracts from those quarters…

  209. Amanda says:

    This is going to be so wildly inappropriate but I don’t care.
    Okay so my husband was getting ready for a shower and decided to come into the bedroom to show off his stuff to me. he knows it annoys me so that makes him want to do stuff like that even more. as he’s standing there naked my son walks into the room and says, “daddy your penis is big! Can I touch it?” Immediately my husband blushes and covers his stuff and tries to walk away. I say, “that’s what you get for coming in here like that!” Husband walks into the bathroom to take his shower. Then my sons goes on to harass me. He says “mommy….i want a big penis like daddy, my is so tiny.” I say “why do you think that, your a little boy, when you grow up so will your penis, don’t be so disappointed.” My son then says “No, it’s little and I don’t like it! Can you take me to the store to buy a new one?” I say, “no sorry bud, I can’t do that. You were born with that penis and it’s yours for life.” My son then goes ahead and says, “NOoooooooooo! Oh no! Then I have to try and be born all over again!!!!!” he just turned 3

  210. Gracie says:

    you all need to youtube ‘what what in the butt’ its crazy and this post reminded me of it…!

  211. Lisa says:

    Master 3 is toilet training and sitting on the throne doing a number two… he bursts in to song…. “How ba-a-a-a-a-ad can I be, I’m just doing what comes naturally….” (think The Lorax song) I had to leave the room I was laughing so hard…

  212. MM Jackson says:

    My three year old is 99% potty trained but still has accidents, especially when he is too busy playing superhero. The other day when he was wriggling around uncomfortably, I asked “Tyler, do you need to pee?” His response? “No, Mommy. My penis is not ready for action.”

  213. Kyles says:

    My 4yo son was sitting on the toilet the other day. When I walked into the bathroom he said “Look Mummy look!”. When I asked what was i supposed to look at, he replied with “My penis is standing up. It’s because of gravity”.
    I almost choked trying not to laugh!

  214. Angela says:

    My 3 year old was trying to walk in her dress up high heels. She had recently been to the bathroom so I hadn’t hunted down her pants yet. Now that the scene is set….

    She looked at me thrilled with herself and said, “These things are much easier to walk in without clothes on!”

    My response? “So, that’s what I’ve been doing wrong all this time…”

  215. Rhea says:

    My 3 yo runs into the kitchen pleading “Momma, Can you open my butt?!!”… The horrendous visions start… Then I realize he has his Mr. Potato Head. Whew!!!!

  216. Denise says:

    My friend’s four yr-old son opened a present from his grandmother. In it was clothes under a layer of tissue paper with the clothes hangers on top (so all he could see was the hangers). He was so excited and yelled, “Hookers! I LOVE hookers!”

  217. Kim says:

    my youngest daughter (3) started singing a song the other day in the middle of the pharmacy… “poopin on the toilet… poopin on the toilet… poopin on the toilet… now flush”… completely random!

  218. Nat says:

    My 3year old nephew announced that he hides his shoes in his butt hole so that nobody can take them from him….while we were at a ballgame….pretty sure everyone heard that one…. He also calls his older brother a son of a bitch. Good thing I’m his aunt and not his mom!

  219. Scott says:

    My 5yo son loves loves loves rhyming. If he can’t think if a real word he’ll just make up a sound that fits. But sometimes those made up sounds are real words. Maybe ones he shouldn’t use. Like this recent gem. “That’s made of glass and I love ass.”

  220. Deborah says:

    This didn’t just happen, but a year or so ago, when we were in the midst of potty training our youngest, he was at daycare using the bathroom with another little boy the same age who was also potty training. As ours was washing his hands and the other was peeing, Jake looks over and says to his buddy: “I like your dinky!”. :s

  221. Melly says:

    lol I love how this has more posts than controversial ones!
    Speaking of rhyming my 5 year old son had a national based test for pre primary aged children earlier this year. He was asked to think of a rhyming word for duck.
    You guessed it. His rhyming word was fuck. gah! According to the teacher it seemed to slip out, and when he realised he got very embarressed and wondered if he was in trouble.
    So I get to be the um proud mum of the kid who said ‘fuck’ in a national based test!

    Aussie here, can’t get butt and what to rhyme-but I do know duck and fuck rhyme! lmao

  222. One of the gals I work with is from England – she’s been out of the office for a week but just called in for something.

    I said “Lindsay! Do “what” and “butt” rhyme?”
    She says “WOT?! Of course not!”

    hahahaaaa

  223. Danielle says:

    My son loves trucks and loves to say the word, but he replaces the “tr” with “f”. You can imagine how this was when we went to a “Truck Day” a couple weeks ago and there were trucks everywhere. My favorite is when he points and says “Oh truck!”

  224. Melissa says:

    At Thanksgiving dinner, my 8yo daughter turned to me and said, “You and Daddy should do sex tonight. But this time, make me a baby sister.” The in-laws thought this was hilarious, but I was mortified.

  225. Rachel M says:

    “We’re a colored family!”
    From my four-year-old, who was commenting that we all have the same skin color in our family. We’re white.

  226. Kristin says:

    We were running late to go somewhere when my daughter was about 3 and into rhyming. She wanted to go back inside to get a doll to ride with her in the car, and we told her we didn’t have time. She pleaded, “Please, I’ll be quick! I’ll be quick as a dick!” She is now 6 and that is still a favorite saying in my family (when she isn’t around, of course). ๐Ÿ™‚

  227. Elisa H. says:

    lol! My daughter said to me the other day, “Your butt looks juicy in those jeans.” Despite being slightly disturbed i was a little flattered. I love those jeans too.

  228. Amy C says:

    My brother and his wife were in town for Thanksgiving and my 3 year old nephew, being the only grandchild currently, was the center of attention for everyone but he preferred my husband, Kris, who was his “best friend!” My nephew comes into the room where we were all visiting after he and Kris had been rough housing in the other room and we can hear Kris say “no, don’t tell Amy!” but he runs up to me anyway and proudly declares, “Kris has a little hole and a big hole!” We immediately all bust out laughing and were wondering just what they had been doing but then Kris interjects, “in my socks!”

  229. Mary says:

    Some years ago, my 3 year oold cousin followed her dad into his room while he was changing his clothes after work. A few minutes later she came blasting into the dining room where we were playing cards and shouted at the top over her voice “Mommy, my daddy has a TAIL!!!!” For about a month after that she wanted to know all about the different tails that animals had. 20 years later, still funny!

  230. Katia says:

    That is awesome!
    ‘Daddy, can you bang mommy?’
    Explanation: 3 year old is fascinated with violence. He doesn’t practice it for now, but he talks a lot about bumping his head, banging and something called Jungle Jerry.

  231. Leigh says:

    We were at a restaurant on Monday and my two year old suddenly SHOUTED (twice): “Somebody want some cock???” Never did figure that one out. Hope our neighbors didn’t mind the hysterical laughing.

  232. Jennifer says:

    Another gem from when my darling goddaughter was 5. I was walking her to her mother’s job so she could go home with her after a weekend at my house and my shorts were riding up a little. I stopped to adjust them and she yells “is your pad slipping?” in the middle chool. I was mortified and had to quickly explain we don’t discuss “pads” in public! Lol

  233. Gaby says:

    I once knew a kid that liked to eat ice cream while looking straight at someone…the whole time. Bite after bite…

  234. Ellen S. says:

    Two weeks shy of her 2nd birthday:
    “Daddy, I have (va)gina. It’s hiding. It’s hiding in my butt.”

    “Daddy, you have penis? Only one, Daddy?”

  235. Cheryl says:

    When my son was around 2 years old, he had already fallen in love with Thomas the Train and his friends. He had a Thomas and Percy bath toy set that would squirt water. He didn’t quite pronounce Percy correctly, it was more like pussy. So it was very interesting when he told me “Percy blow bubbles!”

    When he was older he asked me if girls pee from the butts. My niece asked her mother why she had a string coming out of her butt. And then latter she told some family members that mommy had a string in her butt.

  236. Yowie says:

    Master 4 on seeing me in the shower “Oh no, Mummy! Your wee-wee has fallen off!. Do you want me to kiss it better?”

    Although what can’t be beaten was when my best friend was at home on a Friday afternoon, when she had to take an urgent video conference from an extremely important overseas client. She told Master 3 that she MUST NOT BE INTERRUPTED and that he could play on her computer (which he’s never otherwise allowed to do) if he didn’t bother her. She had just finished reassuring the client that his account was still very important and all matters were being dealt with the utmost professionalism when Master Two burst into her home office with “Mummy I need to go potty”. She replied quickly “You go and try by yourself like a good boy,” apologised for the interuption, and tried to shoo Master 3 out of the room. Alas, Master 3 would not be dissuaded: “I did, but my poo got stuck half way. See?” And showed his poo-smothered bum to the web cam.

    Needless to say, my friend lost that account. She left the job shortly afterwards. She said she just couldn’t deal with a high powered career and being a single parent, sadly.

  237. Kirsten says:

    My sister recently emailed me the following exchange she had with my almost-three-year-old son while he was sleeping over at her house:

    Hayden, “I have appetizers in my bum.”
    Me, “You do?”
    Hayden, “Yeah, I have monkeys in my bum too.”
    Me, “Impressive.”
    Hayden, “Yeah!”

  238. Christiana says:

    My son was playing in his room and I overheard him say, “Shoot the white guy!, Shoot the white guy.” Then, moments later…”Shoot the black guy!” “Shoot the black guy”

    Horrified he might be inciting a race riot, I peeked in.

    He was playing with his Storm Trooper and Darth Vader action figures.

  239. Mel MOSS says:

    My 5y old daughter is obsessed with numbers and recently yelled from the toilet, mum! My poo is fifty metres long and at least twenty years old!

  240. Jo says:

    Does anybody want a peanut?

  241. Mrs. P says:

    I am 36 weeks preggo and had a sneeze n’pee moment. I went to change and left my son playing in the other room. As soon as my pants hit the floor I hear a little voice behind me say “booboos mama?” and got a full two handed butt grab. No son, those are not mama’s boobies. LOL I couldn’t help but laugh and get dressed VERY quickly!!

  242. Leigh says:

    My very most favorite Kids Say the Darndest Things story I must credit to my sister in law…picture 3 kids, ages 1, 3, and 5 in a tub. 1 & 3yos are girls, 5yo is a boy. 3yo is very interested in and talking about her brother’s penis. Eventually she says to her mom: “We could all have penises too! I could have a pink one, [little sister] could have a purple one, and Mommy you could have a BIG BLACK ONE!”

  243. Tanya says:

    My daughter pointed to my chest the other day and said “I can’t wait til I get big and have one of those.” I was a little confused by the “one” part of that conversation since I clearly have two breasts. I pointed and said you mean two, right? She replied, no I don’t want those, I want the line in the middle . . . . she meant the cleavage line – ROFL!

  244. Katie says:

    My 2.5 year old daughter loves clocks. She especially loves to watch cuckoo clocks on YouTube and exclaim, “poopoo cock! Poopoo cock!”

  245. Karen says:

    I was at the store with my oldest son, who was 2 at the time, and he looked up at the man behind us in line and said “Do you have a penis?”

  246. Anj Lindsay-Hardin says:

    The first time my toddler son told me he loved me…without Daddy prompting him:

    Boy (in sweet baby voice): I love you, Momma.

    Me (totally verklempt and leaking tears, reaching out to hug him):
    Oh, sweet boy. I love you too!

    Boy (in same sweet voice, lifting shirt): I have nipples!

  247. Daniel says:

    Our boys’ favorite one liner (which the 4 year old brought from school and shared with the 2 year old): stinky eyeballs. What can that possibly mean?

  248. Ali K says:

    “You have a lovely bottom” courtesy of my 2 and a half year old!

  249. Lissa says:

    We were visiting family for Thanksgiving last week, when my (almost) 4 year old son asked his auntie for a “F=*%ing muffin.” She smiled and looked at him with wide eyes, “a what, dear?”
    By the 3rd try, she realized he was asking for a “chocolate muffin.”

  250. Ling says:

    My 2 year old son always says “more crack pease” as in crackers but he doesn’t like using two syllable words. It also didn’t help that the sign for cracker is hitting the back of your elbow and instead he would hit the inside of his elbow and repeat “crack, crack, crack”

  251. Devan says:

    Well, I read ALL 642 comments!! WOW!! Once I got past the rhyming comments (they totally DO rhyme), I just about died laughing at the rest, this is so awesome!

  252. stasi says:

    There are so many but my recent favorites were these:
    4 yr old: “Can I have some milk? COW milk.”
    me: “oh, you don’t want mommy’s milk?”
    her: “No! Yucky!”
    me: “Hey, you can say you don’t like it, but don’t say my milk is yucky. That hurts my feelings.”
    her: “Oh, I’m sorry, Mommy.” (puckers up) “Where does it hurt? In your nipples?”
    me: (laughing) “No, in my heart” (she kisses my sternum) “Thank you.”

    And the 2 yr old still has some problems saying “t” (subs “d”) and words that start with “s” (he just drops the letter). Thus today he picked up a golf club and loudly proclaimed, “Look! Dis my walking dick!” We were later when, changing his diaper, we had to admonish him to keep his “dick” out of the poop!

  253. Emily Sapienza says:

    My three year old heard his dad say “butthole.” I told him he can only say that word in private… so now he covers his head with a blanket and we hear “butt-hoooooole, butt-hooooooole”. I guess he thinks we can’t hear him.

  254. Mariya says:

    My 3.5 yr old unzipped his jammies and with the appropriate hip wiggle told me “Look mom! I’m going Commando tonight.”

    Thank you Daddy for teaching him that one.

    He also will tell me “I miss Whiskey….I like Whiskey” when we are out and about. To be fair – Whiskey is the name of a dog he met at dear camp…but still. It doesn’t help the dirty looks you get from passer by’s when your child is longing for “Whiskey”.

  255. cori g says:

    My 2 yr old daughter showers with me sometimes and watches me shave my legs. Daddy was giving her a bath the other day and she grabbed an empty razor and started “shaving” her butt. Hubby goes “mommy shaves her butt?” My daughter? “Yeah, of course!” Hahahaha.
    Also my 5 yo son woke up with “morning wood” one day and came in saying “mommy my penis is up and hurts!” Uhhh. Lol I told him to go pee..

  256. Claudia says:

    Oh God, so many from my daughter (4).

    Lately: (totally out of the blue) ‘Don’t worry mum, I won’t force you to marry’

    (While wrapping some fabric around her leg): ‘I’m practising being a fork with spaghetti’

    ‘Can I see a picture of God on the internet?’

  257. Chessie says:

    My son and I were practicing letter sounds. As we went through the alphabet, we picked a word or two for each letter. “E is for eh… eh… egg!” Then he pipes up, “F! ffff… ffff… Fuck!” I really tried hard not to laugh. Even though it’s a bad word, I was at least impressed that he got it right because he is three. hahahaha

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  259. Catherine says:

    My 18 month old: E-I-E-I-DEAD.
    I’m pretty sure that’s not how the song goes.

  260. Katy says:

    I was recently changing my 18-month-old’s diaper and asked him what his name was. He shouted, “Penis!”

  261. Zsuzsa says:

    My toddler loves to say the following, preferably in public
    Places:

    “Mami, I have monsters in my butt!”
    “Mami, I pinched —-‘s Butt!” (at daycare)
    “Mami, look at my belly!” (lifts shirt)

    Luckily we live in NYC where he will be able to fully indulge his exhibitionist behavior without anyone batting an eye.

  262. Mariah says:

    My 5 year old was still half asleep when he farts and says to me, totally serious, “that’s your Christmas present, mon (he calls me mon like a little Jamaican). One time, I farted, and he says, “Mmmm, smells like pizza”. WTH, what kind of pizza are you getting at your friend’s house kid? He’s also said he likes my boobies, patted my belly in public and asked if I was going to have a baby because my tummy is a little bit big, and once sang a lovely song about penises and gaginas on his guitar.

  263. Amanda says:

    Oh, let’s see… where to begin…

    Keelyn, our 3 year old outspoken little girl, says way too many things that are just priceless gems of OMG.

    Recent utterances from her…

    The other night as I was in the tub with her 8 month old brother, Kavan, she came up to the tub and started laughing with baby bro. It was incredibly sweet. Keelyn then looks to me and says, “Mommy, I’m so glad that Kavan came out of your vagina.”

    Then, tonight… she’s naked -which is a normal occurrence for her in our home. She says, “My penis hurts.” So, I re-explained that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. ((I blame her boy classmates at daycare for this one)) Then she sits on the toilet to go potty and my husband looks at her and I hear him say, “Why are you holding yourself?” Keelyn responds with, “I have to hold it to help the pee come out.” So again, we had to explain. Oh Keelyn.

    She constantly has to make comments about “old ladies” in public places. Luckily I’ve been able to shh her away from the person so as not to offend them. She’s a hot mess.

  264. Cynthia Holt says:

    I picked the kids up late from school yesterday. As my sweet son ran to my open arms he yelled out (in hearing range of a half dozen teachers including his own) “Mommy I’m so pissed off you picked me up late today!”

  265. Elisabeth says:

    My 5 year old, telling a stranger about our recent vacation (a year ago, but recent in his mind, because we flew on a plane) … “Yeah, we went on a Delta plane … they’re really big … ” he stops and thinks for a minute … “yeah, really really big … like mommy.” Thanks.

  266. Sarah says:

    My 8 year old daughter recently visited my grandmother, her great grandmother. The discussion went to birthdays and how old my daughter’s were now. Grandma then told ny daughter that she would be 90 next year, to this my daughter replied, “Toby’s grandma died when she was old too!”

  267. Marie-Odile says:

    My three year old boy got tennis and penis mixed up this summer…
    When we walked by a tennis court he asked ”Are we going to play penis mom?”

  268. Christina says:

    My 4 year old son points at daddy in the recliner and says “Daddy is a girl. He has a gina” I’d say daddy just got burned.

  269. “Mama, wouldn’t it be silly if you got a husband someday and he spanked you?!”

    “Uh….”

    “That’d be silly ’cause grownups NEVER give each other spankings, right?”

    “Ummmmmm…..”

  270. Amanda says:

    My 3 y/o son has pretty terrible eczema. He was scratching the eczema on his legs and told me, “Mommy, I’m itching and bitching my legs.” I *think* he came up with that word on his own because we’ve been rhyming things a lot lately but who knows…

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