Here is the next winner of the Crappy Contest.
This story was submitted by Kim Holloway.
The words are hers, the crappy pictures are mine…
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When my oldest first started talking, she would use a maximum of 2 syllables on a word if it had more than 2. For example, “Nutella” was just “tella”.
We invited some friends over for a nice BBQ and conversation. My girls always want to be a part of the adult conversation so when my husband started being his typical goofy self I said to my oldest:
She immediately nodded, laughed, and then turned to my husband and said:
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Thanks for the laughs, Kim!
PS – She also has a blog, check it out at Containing the Crazy.
Well I guess the early blog reader gets the first comment…or something like that. AYSo has their games so flippin’ early!!
Amber,
I just wanted to say, I’ve completely enjoyed your non-crappy collaborations and your crappy contest. They havenvALL been fun, and introduced me to some wonderful new bloggers.
You should in no way take this to mean I don’t enjoy YOUR own writing on your blog!
Keep up the awesome work.
P.S. sorry for the typo. Stupid soccer game at 8:10 a.m.
I agree! … and that it’s almost criminal to have to get kids up and ready for a soccer game that early on a Saturday!!
We had two of those torturous 8am games in a row here… I feel your pain and compliment you being able to be coherent at that time of the morning on a Saturday!
I am sorry, usually i am sharper than this… But you want her to continue the awesome work that you don’t actually enjoy. (but still take the time out to read?)
Personally, i have dipped my toe in a few parenting blogs, but this one is the only one i have kept coming back to, it is the only one that is honest and so funny i do sometimes fall off my chair laughing. On behalf of myself and the millions (exaggeration? I think not) who love your work Amber, keep it coming! We all need to feel a little less alone in this world!!
No, she was saying she enjoys all the blog posts she does from or with other people. She then said but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love Ambers own original blog posts. So she’s basically saying she loves ALL of Ambers posts. Lol. I had to read it a few times to understand at first lol. Being pregnant makes me super tired so I’m half asleep reading all of this lol
Nickole, Thank you for clarifying. Cool spelling BTW!
Maxine, sorry Iwas not clear. I love crappy pictures, I was just trying to compliment her on the recent collaborations.
When my husband would talk in double-entendres, I would say, “Don’t be so inappropriate!” And my kids would echo, “Yeah, daddy, don’t be so pro-puree!” But yeah, this was much funnier!!
Well played, Mama.
I’m sad that she felt she had to “play” in the first place.
*lol* My eldest -now 17yo – used to call firetrucks “tirefucks.” He loved those red, noisy vehicles and enthusiastically screamed “tirefucks” each time he saw one or heard an emergency siren of any sort *heh*
Oh! I did the same thing!
I also called graham crackers “grab crappers” for a loooong time. I still sometimes have to think before I say it.
*lol* grab crappers…that’s good
At least it wasn’t “crap grabbers”. Lol
Haha. That’s similar to my son who always called dump trucks “dumb fucks” when he was about 3.
*clap clap clap* This is the winner!
Oh. Oh no.
I agree with Cheryl – this is the winner!
Oh yes … I still remember the lovely day at Target when I was playing with the little See n Say toy (I think the kiddo was about 2 then) … “Liam what do chickens say??” “Fuck!!!” very emphatically without any hesitation what-so-ever. It was just … yeah. The little old lady in the aisle with us also thought it was great. She looked at me like I was satan unleashed … Hey! I didn’t teach him that!
LOL! I’m sure the kids in HER family never made verbal mistakes like that *rolls eyes*
LOL!!!
Had a preschool student once who told class he had dinner at “Fucky Fried Chicken”!
Oh no! I imagine that earned some giggles.
Oh my gosh, that’s so funny!! My mom worked there for a while when I was very young and she always told me that’s what I called it!!
lol, this is great! I bet they laughed for a long time about that one!
Ha, my son used to call firetrucks “fire fucks” – man, I got a lot of looks
Hee hee!
My son used to call granola bars “Nola bars”.
My daughter still shortens things sometimes, or just says what she thinks she hears. My husband has every song known to man on his fake ipod and the kids always want to listen to certain songs in the car. She always requests “Stanbultinople”. For the lay person, she is asking for a They Might Be Giants song, Istanbul (Not Constantinople). 
I knew exactly which song you meant.
Ditto for the song, it’s one of my 3 year olds favourites. He’s also mad for Here come the ABCs and 123s.
Does this make me a bad mom? I had no idea that they did kids music. After I read your post I googled it. Awesome! I may have to make a purchase. My kids like the Barenaked Ladies, another group that I didn’t realize had made some kids music until recently. Really, it makes sense because they are awesome! I try to stay away from what I call “Annoying Kids Music”. We listen to a lot of Laurie Berkner at our house. Good stuff.
Another good kids CD is by The Verve Pipe, we have it and it’s great!
I love BNL’s alphabet song… A is Aisle, b is for Bdellium, C is for Czar…. cracks me up every time!
I’ll have to check out TMBG too.
LOL! My daughter has said that to DH several times before. We always chuckle
That’s awesome! I’m sure your husband loved that one!
I love the drawings too, the eyebrows in the 2nd one: great touch! And are the couple on the far side playing a little footsie, lol?
Lol. I didn’t even notice the footsie thing
Neither did I!
ha ha ha!
But you drew it! Freudian drawing? hmm.
And perfect for those two lovebirds who, at the time, were trying to conceive. haha!
My girls are always switching the first letters of words – one morning they kept going on about wanting ‘porn cops’ (which sounded like a police show on Spike) turns out they just wanted Corn Pops!
Oh the innocence is adorable!
My son used to do the same thing – his way of asking for popcorn was saying, “I want cop-porn.”
LOL! Hysterical!
Oh dear! My son was obsessed with clocks as a toddler and would happily shout “Cock!” every time he saw one. I had to change the supermarket we used as our usual one had a huge clock on one wall which came into view every other aisle and we were getting some very funny looks. There was also the time he spotted a man’s wristwatch and pointed at the poor man and yelled “Cock!” at the top of his lungs. I saw it him spot the watch, saw the look of delight on his face and I just knew what was about to happen but had no way to stop it. The poor man! My son also said “fux” for “fox”, but luckily that one didn’t come up too often.
My son loves guacamole, and loudly says “I want cock” everytime he sees avocados LOL
My niece does the same thing! Hilarious and mortifying, all at the same time…
OH. MY. GOSH.
Dying of laughter!
My little cousin would use “p” and “t” interchangeably, so it was really cute when she would tell people she lived in Titsburgh (Pittsburgh). Love toddlerspeak!
My neice used to say i sit, whenever she sat she sat down…the only problem was it didn’t sound like I sit, more like I shit. lol
I love kidspeak! When my son was younger, he used to say that he loved to eat boogers. (burgers)
My son says the same, only he actually means boogers
Oooh my. Aren’t kids great? lol My daughter’s first word was pretty much the word, ‘pretty’. Well..my husband took advantage of the fact she couldn’t say ‘t’ very well…meaning it sounded like an ‘s’. And the ‘e’ didn’t sound like an ‘e’…I’m sure you get where I’m going.
Anyway, one night while he was playing XBox with his brother and I was on the couch reading a book he has my daughter come over to tell his brother, “You’re pretty!” …that’s not what she said. They got a good laugh, and mommy wasn’t very happy. Bad daddy.
Funny! That’s one that has not come up around here… yet.
When my son was little, my mom (“Nana”) would call him “Silly Britches.” One day they were at the park, and two older women were seated on a bench nearby. My son apparently thought Nana did something funny, because he yelled “Silly b*tches!” at the top of his lungs. Nana said she got some questionable looks from those women. I imagine she did!
I call my son silly britches! That’s not one I hear often. I guess I am keeping company with Nana!
My nearly-two-year-old daughter loves Peanuts cartoons, but doesn’t pronounce the “t.” I dread seeing an image of Snoopy when we’re out in public!
We’re another victim of Peanuts confusion. My 3-yr old son called Schroeder “Scrotum” every time (which was slightly embarassing over the holidays when he’d see the giant blow-up lawn Peanuts characters at every store)! I guess that’s what we get for teaching our kids anatomically correct names at an early age.
Laughed out loud!
My daughter calls her big toe her thumbkin toe. Only when she says it, it sounds like “fuckin toe”. Many times when she has hurt her toe she has said….”I hurt my Fuckin toe”
LOL! Thats so funny!!
Oh my gosh, I’m crying. All of these are so funny, but I don’t know why this one is killing me. Maybe because it sounds so appropriate (as inappropriate as it is). I mean the context is perfect!
Ha ha! Love it! Mine couldn’t say fork correctly, and so he’d be shouting “I need a f**k” at the dinner table, lol! Clock was also “cock”.
My 2 year old does this too;)
LOL!!! Nice to know it’s not just me! You haven’t really lived until you’ve attended a church potluck dinner with a small child who keeps proudly waving his fork in the air and shouting, “F*CK!” at the top of his lungs. Fortunately, our pastor was a long-time friend (meaning he’d known me since I was about that age), and he’d just walk by desperately trying to hold in the hysterical laughter!
ha! My same kid in the story above that said “dickless” also shortened “chocolate” to “cock”…because “I want cock” is ALWAYS appropriate for a 3 year old to say!?
Every day I walk my 3 year old to nursery school and we look at the Halloween decorations. It is now not enough to explain every individual decoration and my son wants to know ‘but what does it mean???’ and he won’t accept the same explanation twice, therefore I have to come up with different ways of saying haunted house. Now can you guess what he calls a House of Horrors?…
My son loves telling everyone in the restaurant this:
“I have a peenie. And balls. And a butthole!!!”
He’s 2.
My son is a regular bigot … “flag” often loses it’s L … and we have a cute little Bichon Frise on our block named Knickers … you can only guess what the sounds like when a fast talking 4 year old says it … especially out of context … Oy! I find myself explaining his unintentional slurs often …
My son loves his Crocs(the shoes). I got him a new pair and and called them his ‘big Crocs’…not thinking. So for a few weeks there he would call them ‘my big c*ck’. Nice.
Ha! My little one sucks her thumb – but she can’t pronounce the “s” in “suck” very well. Sounds like an “f.” So you can imagine how much I love it when in public, she announces she wants to *uck her thumb. LOL.
Yours made me laugh out loud! So inappropriate. Which is why it is great.
I was babysitting my niece, many years ago, when she was about 2-3. She said “let’s play runny!” Then touched me and yelled “fag!” I of course was horrified and said “what!?!” She touched me again and said “fag, you’re it!” “Tag,” I corrected her emphasizing the “t”… “T-ag!”
I just remembered my daughter (16 months) loves an oversized bird book we have. As she turns the pages I say the kind of bird it is. Of course the first one she decided to repeat was “tit.” Luckily she hasn’t said it in public, that’s actually what those birds are called but I don’t think most people would get the context.
OMG all your stories are making me laugh too hard! I’m afraid I’m going to wake my sleeping nurseling!
My son is 2. When he was around 12-18 months, one of his favorite songs was a classic soul song that said, “It’s funky. It’s funky. Funky, funky, funkyyyy.” Only Juju got the k, n and y order confused. The first time he ran to the stereo, pointing and asking loudly for the “fuckin’ song” I almost died!
Along those same lines, he loved the Muppets movies, especially Kermit. But he couldn’t say Kermit and had a hard time with frog. The first time he pointed to the tv and asked for the “fuck movie? I wan fuck?”… I about KILLED my hubby, thinking he had been watching porn! Better yet was when Jude asked his super-conservative grandfather for the fuck movie and I was able to sit back and enjoy the show.
We were taking our then 22 month old daughter through the carwash for the first time (just to clarify, we were actually in the car at the time) and my husband and I were explaining how the car was going to ‘have a bath and get a wash’ so that she would be so terrified by the noise.
Just then we heard, from the back seat, ‘Oh shit! Oh shit!’
I just threw a whithering look at my husband, the turned round to see our baby signing ‘bath’ and trying her best to articulate ‘Wash it! Wash it!’.
How cute
Awwww, that is sweet.
These comments are all terrible and we should all be ashamed for finding them funny.
So here’s another one.
My ex’s four year old daughter charmingly mispronounced her favourite breakfast cereal, which he took great delight in. He would deliberately send her to fetch the cornflakes to watch her running up the supermarket aisles shouting “cuntface!”
omg I just snorted!!!
Me too!
My son always said “Dick-a-less” and I never thought of this!
My son calls popcorn- cop porn. Of course while in the shops we had to be passing the DVD section when he called out “oh ya mom let’s get more cop porn! It was good last time!”
My son did this with popcorn too… And coffee was fuck-ee. “Mommy aw-you gettin mo’ fuck-ee” always brought a gleam to his daddy’s eye!
thankyou – i needed that laugh out loud. You do realise that my friends and I now say things like “oh that would have made the BEST crappy illustration” as we wade through our parenting day. Sometimes I can even see the crappy picture laid over the reality before me… look whatever helps to get u through.
We had Dr Seuss Fox in Socks turn into “fuckin’ sucks” – which I would then repeat endlessly wrt work items (eg, this report fox in socks. Can’t believe I got assigned this, fox in socks).
We had a deck put on our house when our eldest was 2. My FIL (for whom bigger is always better) arranged to have it built, and it was enormous. Daughter was so excited to see the construction, kept talking about wanting to play on Daddy’s big… deck.
All I can say is…I wish I knew what happened next!! Seriously…where DID the conversation go from there?
Downhill. Completely. My girlfriend and I didn’t compose ourselves for a good 20 minutes, and then laughed every 3 minutes for the rest of the night.
I’m honestly sad that my 3 year old has learned how to pronounce “chocolate milk”. For about a year, his “ch” came out like an “f”…which resulted in him asking for “f*uck it milk”. Sometimes I would get distracted and hand him white milk (pre-Nesquik)–I would get a disgruntled, “No! F*ck it, Mommy!”.
My son mispronounced vacuum cleaner – “f” for the “v” and no “m” at the end made it the “fac you” cleaner… very easily misunderstood!!
Oh my goodies – Amber, thank you SO much for crappifying this story. I can’t tell you how stinking excited I was that you chose it – and I swear, the illustrations of the people are spot on. I need to print & frame & hang in the living room.
My oldest did eventually learn to say “RI-diculous” but I’m certain it took her longer than it should have because nobody could NOT laugh when she said it wrong…and she likes the laughter.
As always, your posts are fantastic and the people commenting are too! I LOVE the stories your reader’s share! Thanks again
Thank you!
Our area sometimes has lots of skunks, more specifically, dead skunks. Stinks to high heaven. A year ago, my son was 3, and usually left the first letter off of a word. He asked me what that smell was. I said it’s a skunk. Now drop the ‘s’ and toddlers usually mix up ‘k’ & ‘t’. Sounded very clearly like the dreaded ‘C’ word! Ugh, I tried to downplay it and not repeat the name of the offensive animal again. Fast forward a year, about a month ago, my now 3yo daughter says, Mommy, I mell kunt. Oh crap, how’d she learn that. And of course my husband heard her say it and kept asking her, what did you smell? Sheesh! Hoping she outgrows as quickly as her brother!
Oh no! lol
Hilarious! And I wish we had crappy pictures for all of these great comments! SOO funny!