The Quickie Window

This post is about sex. Not about having sex. But about trying to have sex.

Trying to have one type of sex.

Quickies.

Quickies happen.

They are the microwaved food of the marital sex world. Convenient. Fast. Not particularly great…but just satisfying enough that you’ll do it again soon.

And married with kids quickies are a totally different brand than the ones you enjoyed back in the early steamy days of your pre-kid life.

Back then, quickies involved clothes being ripped off with each other’s teeth and dishes being thrown off the table. Delicious.

Quickies taste different now.

Parents don’t even take off their clothes for quickies. There’s no time for that romantic shit. We just make the necessary parts accessible and then plug in.

Hurry up, the kids are banging at the door!

And the worst part? Sometimes even quickies are hard to come by when you have little kids.

That’s like admitting, “I’m starving but I can’t use the microwave because the kids are standing right in front of it.” 

So you have to find the right window of opportunity for your quickie consumption. Timing and stuff. Distraction methods like TV work well. Did you know that TV programming for children was invented so parents could still have sex during daylight hours? I mean, probably.

Crappy Papa is notoriously bad at determining whether or not there is a quickie opportunity. To him, there is always a quickie opportunity. He is way too optimistic.

Kids are looking out the window at a bird for 2 seconds? Quickie!

Kids are fighting over a toy but nobody is bleeding yet? Quickie!

He invents these windows. They don’t actually exist.

I’m more pragmatic about identifying actual quickie windows so sometimes we don’t agree.

The other day….

We’re all in the kitchen and I just gave the kids frozen treats.

sneak-away-quickie-1

Translation: Quickie!

I laugh and say I really don’t think we’ve stumbled on a true quickie window. Sure, they have treats that will keep them occupied for 90 seconds at least but they’re being rather clingy today. I have a bad feeling about it. It isn’t going to work.

He argues that, “No you are wrong! It is a quickie window! They aren’t even paying attention! They don’t even know we’re here! So easy to sneak away!”

Just then Crappy Boy turns around and says:

sneak-away-quickie-2

Not paying attention, eh?

We all laugh and talk a bit about what getting married actually means. (Hint: it isn’t holding hands, whispering and giggling. Not exclusively at least.)

Moments later Crappy Boy leaves the room. Crappy Baby starts to follow him.

Crappy Papa is hopeful again. The window reopened! “See? They’re leaving the room! We can sneak away. This is the perfect window!”

Is there a window? I’m still not convinced.

We start to sneak away:

sneak-away-quickie-3

I hear the sound of a window shutting in my head.

So I point to the wall and say:

sneak-away-quickie-4

And Crappy Baby explodes in laughter:

sneak-away-quickie-5

Nope. There wasn’t.

 

————

If anyone offers me patronizing assvice about my sex life in the comments I will puke up the burrito I just ate. It was bean and cheese so it won’t be pretty.

And yes, I microwaved it. 

Also, my BOOK is out in four days. So you should probably buy it. It will make your sex life better! I mean, probably.  

 

 

 

This entry was posted in before & after kids, Crappy Papa, crappy pictures, husband versus wife, marriage, sex. Bookmark the permalink.

323 Responses to The Quickie Window

  1. Heather says:

    I can’t wait to show this to my husband.

  2. Erin says:

    OMG, that is the funniest thing I have EVER read! I’m dying laughing!

    I think I just peed my pants over the “We just make the necessary parts accessible and then plug in.”

    LOL!!!!! I love this!

  3. csa says:

    i don’t think i’ve ever laughed so hard at one of your blog posts. that’s the best.

    “there is no window!”

  4. Jenny says:

    Every word of this is true.

  5. Marcelle MacCulloch says:

    HA! I just sent this to my husband. He too imagines windows where there are none! hahaha!!

  6. Kara says:

    I swear kids have a 6th sense to detect when their parents want to get frisky. We can wait until we are sure they are all fast asleep and as soon as things heat up someone is up going to the bathroom, or needs a drink of water, or the baby starts crying. Our quickies usually happen in the morning before the kids know we are awake. The older 3 are usually downstairs playing xbox (yep, I let them play the xbox as much as they want when they wake up so I can stay in bed longer) and the twins can’t open their bedroom door yet so they sit in there playing until someone lets them out. So for a few minutes before they all know we are awake and start banging on the door for cereal we can take advantage of our alone time.

    • Caro F says:

      You have 5 and even try to make an attempt? I thought only babies woke you up in the middle of the night, but school-aged kids seem to have even more “issues” than babies! And are afraid of the rain/wind/thunder and occasionally end up in your bed.

      Hubby’s not around during the day, so don’t know about daytime windows. The nighttime ones are pretty dark and hard to see through, too–!

  7. Sarah says:

    My husband also is very optimistic about the quickie window…

  8. Erin says:

    My husband is completely unrealistic about when the window is available. I’ll be stapling this one to his forehead. That should really improve the mood :)

  9. Marija says:

    Nothing patronising to add… hey, this is my life every day (or in my husband’s terms, every waking minute?)

  10. Kat says:

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa!!!
    Pretty much doesn’t get any easier with teenagers in the house. They know more stuff.

    • Heidi says:

      True that!

    • Brandy P says:

      I walked in on my parents at least 3 times and my room always seemed to be next to theirs and I could hear “things.” You’d think they’d learn to lock the door.

      When I was little my mother kept a diary for me and when I was three there is an entry that reads “Brandy climbed into bed with us while we were having sex last night. We didn’t know she was there until we were done.” I actually have a memory of this, of course I didn’t know what was going on and didn’t really care. I just left them to it. lol

  11. krystal says:

    my husband’s quickie window always seems to show when I am asleep. nothing puts you in the mood like being awaken from a dead sleep

    • Casey P says:

      LOL. THIS. Yes, this is true in our house. I’m usually too knocked out to do anything but swat him away…

    • Laurie says:

      I think we are married to the same man…grrrr, I absolutely HATE it!!!!!

    • krystal says:

      he works midnights so he is comin home while I am still asleep. His line is good morning! No you know what is a good morning, getting to sleep until the alarm goes off!

    • Nikki says:

      *poke poke* Grrr!

    • Cassie says:

      Lol, my husband wont wake me up for it, hes usually passed out too. in 4 years of being married and having kids, i think hes woken me up 2 times for sex.

      and he /never/ does the ‘morning wood poke poke’ routine.

      I wish he would though… IM the one always looking for those ‘windows’ lol

      • Babs says:

        Aha! Somebody else who is the one looking for windows. I wish my husband would look for the sledgehammer.

      • Elie says:

        Me too!!! I’m always the one looking for the windows! I joke with my hubby that we’ve switched brains when it comes to sex. I don’t get woken up in that way either but I’d love it!

    • Pamela says:

      I *like* being awoken that way from a dead sleep. Dang, though, I am the one panting and my dh is the one not interested or not finding windows or afraid to find windows…*sniff*…

    • Mercy says:

      Are you in my house?? Mine does the same.

    • Kelley says:

      Yep, sounds like my house. Always waking me up or humping my leg until I wake up (seriously) lol and I will be dead asleep. I really think sometimes in his head he thinks “maybe if I poke her with it, it will put her in the mood”. If he would just wait until I wake up……

  12. Kathy says:

    This explains a sex-life with children in absolute perfection.

  13. Lisa says:

    We have an almost 5 year old who will use any opportunity to do something naughty when left alone and a 15 month old who thinks she will literally die if I am not holding her…
    Our house has been windowless for awhile =/

  14. Coty says:

    Omg! This is too funny!

    And I have to admit, I’m slightly jealous at Crappy papas ability to turn his head completely behind him to look at you. Mad skills Crappy Papa. Lol

  15. Maschachaussette says:

    my windows all got shattered…i don t even dare to gave sex during daylight anymore…

  16. Nina says:

    Haha, nearly nobody even dares to comment this post : )

    I am with you, my Mr is the same, I wonder what that is, maybe a contagious eye disease which is only affecting men? Seeing windows where are none – not even a little crack in the wall…

    • sarah vine says:

      Personally I think it’s hilarious that there are so many people posting at 1:04 just at the same time as you! Ha! =0)

      • Natalie Farrell says:

        Well what do you know?! It is Sarah Vine!! There is something quite awesome about reading through all these comments before randomly stumbling across people you know…. Hi Sarah *waves*… Goes off to continue reading comments. Wonder who else I will come across?!

  17. Erin St. Jean says:

    I kept trying to read this post… “quickly”… but my kids kept getting in the way. I can’t even read, let alone have sex! :-)

    • Elizabeth J. says:

      My six-year-old, who is learning to read, came up behind me while I was trying to read this post and was beginning to sound it out. I decided to minimize the window and read it later. ;-) Yep, no time to read, very little time for sex… and yet somehow we have four kids.

  18. Cordelia says:

    I am 100% sure my husband has tried for smaller windows than that… May I suggest ear plugs without being patronizing? ;)

    • Yvette says:

      You want the kids to wear earplugs while you have sex?????

      • Cordelia says:

        Yes. As long as they have earplugs and a blindfold on they don’t even have to leave the room. NO!!! For ME! Can you think of a worse buzzkill than increasingly shrill cries of “MAMA?!” coming from the other side of a locked door? (“Hold on, Mama’s coming!”)

  19. Tess says:

    Just read this to my husband, he laughed like a drain! Luckily our little boy (we only have one so far, makes it easier) so we still get windows although not daylight ones! xx

  20. coleen says:

    Love this. ..

    “We just make the necessary parts accessible and then plug in.”

    LOL

  21. Ypsi says:

    It’s no better when the kids are older. Mine are 6 and 10 and they are capable of being glued to TV/DS/ipad for HOURS, tuning out everything short of a nuclear explosion.

    BUT… if there’s the *slightest* hint that my husband and I are connecting in any way not involving them, suddenly the computer freezes/wii remotes die/6yo loses game and cries/they need permission for something/when’s dinner/etc. I’m hoping the teen years bring some changes…

    • Nancy says:

      I say climb through as many windows as you can now! At least when they are small they do sleep, at some point. When they are teenagers they stay up late, very late (waaaaay past parent bedtime), doing homework, reading, social networking, needing something from parent’s bathroom… Really? At midnight you need to borrow toothpaste? Closed every window we had for a while. Now our youngest (non-teenager) is old enough to play at a friend’s house without a parent along. We can actually open the windows on a weekend, during the day occasionally! A sense of humor and persistence definitely helps ;)

    • Beth says:

      Definitely not better with teenagers. I thought we’d have time alone when they went to friend’s houses but instead all their friends come here. Glad they like to hang out here but no window time with a bunch of teenage boys in the house!

    • Colleen says:

      My husband and I had a blended family of 5 teenagers still at home when we married. There are no windows, and every one of the 5 “needed” us and barged in at one time or another. The cheers were thunderous as the last one left home for his own place.

  22. Sara S says:

    I’m the one always looking for windows in our relationship. When did my husband get programmed to think 10pm is the only time she-boink-a-doink can happen?

    • T says:

      Oh my god, in mine too! And he likes to take forever too. I’m the one wanting it to be quick so I can go to sleep and he wants to do foreplay for an hour. Which I do enjoy, but when we’re starting at an hour past my bedtime, can we please just do it quickly?

      • Kristin says:

        Ah, yes. Nothing like a leisurely approach from the hubs at 11:00 pm. And if I say something to the extent of “fine, but hurry up about it” he gets all huffy and won’t do it (I swear I’m not that blunt about it, but no amount of tact can get the message across without feelings getting wounded)

        • TC says:

          Yep, my husband like to take his sweet time late at night too! Awesome when we were childless and could sleep in the next morning, but with a 2 yr old and a 5 yr old, I’m lying there thinking about the sleep I’m missing out on. Romantic, right?

      • Sb says:

        A thousand times this!

    • Di says:

      THIS.
      holy crap, this.
      (and even then, only after 10pm.. once a month. maybe it’s a moon thing?)

    • Kimmmm says:

      she-boink-a-doink

      I’ve got to use this term with hubby next time I’m looking for a quickie.

      He’s going to laugh his arse off!!!!

  23. Rachel Pulley says:

    I feel your pain. My husband is also way too optimistic. We have one who is almost 6 and 19 month old twins. Netflix is our best friend!

  24. M.J. says:

    Awesome, this is what I get to look forward to! hehe

  25. Darcy says:

    Baby gates were amazing in helping build the quickie window for us… The problem then became, was the kid going to discover that we were on the other side and see what was “up.” Sigh. I wish we had more windows… :P

  26. Lee says:

    Best part- assvice! New word in my vocab!

  27. Matt says:

    This was brilliant. I like crappy Papa am always seeing the window that doesn’t exist. A guy can hope right?

  28. Tara says:

    This is my all time favorite post ever in all the history of the internet! Good god, woman, how do you write my life every damn time but still make it hilarious! I need to see the world through Crappy Goggles!

  29. Laurie C says:

    I’ve had my son slam shut the window in the middle of the act because he decided to walk into my room while he was supposed to be napping. That was an awkward conversation.

    • jen says:

      Right there with ya! MY 5yo – all on his own – figured out how to pick the bedroom door lock – quietly! Luckily the “performance” was over but JUST barely!!

      • Jen says:

        7 yr old. picks locks too. arrrg!!! i’ve now trained my ears to hear that little ‘clock’ JUST soon enough to yank a cover over my hubs and me before the door flings open!

        • Dawn Marie says:

          Wow! Picking locks at 5 and seven? Seriously, children, Mom and Dad had a life before you existed! And they dont need your help now!

          Personally, I would trick them. I would stage a time when you go and shut and lock the door. Then when they pick the lock, be there, fully clothed, with a bucket of cleaning supplies scrubbing your walls or something. Then when they walk in, say, “Well, we werent GOING to make you clean, but since you INSIST on being in here when we scrub the walls, now you can help!” And make those boys work harder than they ever have before. Give them the job of scrubbing every wall in the house -or some other huge job- until they are exhausted. Do that a few times and i think the picking will end! If that doesnt work, add a slide bolt, up high where he cannot reach (but you have a key for in case he decides to lock himself in your room. But i bet the cleaning thing would work! On the upside they will sleep that night! Up for a quickie, anyone?

        • Dawn Marie says:

          Wow! Picking locks at 5 and seven? Seriously, children, Mom and Dad had a life before you existed! And they dont need your help now!

          Personally, I would trick them. I would stage a time when you go and shut and lock the door. Then when they pick the lock, be there, fully clothed, with a bucket of cleaning supplies scrubbing your walls or something. Then when they walk in, say, “Well, we werent GOING to make you clean, but since you INSIST on being in here when we scrub the walls, now you can help!” And make those boys work harder than they ever have before. Give them the job of scrubbing every wall in the house -or some other huge job- until they are exhausted. Do that a few times and i think the picking will end! If that doesnt work, add a slide bolt, up high where he cannot reach (but you have a key for in case he decides to lock himself in your room. But i bet the cleaning thing would work! On the upside they will sleep that night!

          • Linda says:

            I imagine it like the gamefly commercial “Oh, hello! Do you want to clean walls? Because if you pick locks, you might like to clean walls. It’s fabulous.”

  30. Tori Michel says:

    There hasn’t been a daylight window in this house since before I got pregnant… so, at minimum, Sept. of ’08. If even then. Glad some parents are still out there “living the dream”.

    And now I’m sad that a daylight quickie is my idea of “the dream”.

    • Carolina says:

      That’s what I was thinking! Daylight quickie …. what is that? Too tired, too busy for daylight quickies.

  31. Nap times? That’s what I did with my ex.

    • Tara says:

      Noooooo! You’re gonna make her barf!

    • Heather says:

      Besides, she has two. Do you think they ever coordinate naps? Ever? No. I can tell you for a fact. No they do not ever nap at the same time. Especially if they are three years apart. If it were as simple as naptime sex, maybe she would have thought of it? Maybe?? Sorry about my soap box, I just HATE patronizing assvice. Just saying. And now she puked burrito everywhere, sigh…

    • Alex says:

      no need to barf a burrito here. I think Amanda means the parents claim to take a nap. That’s what we do when we get questions about why we were in the bedroom in the middle of the day.

  32. Cindy F says:

    This is SOOO my husband!! too funny!

  33. Mr. says:

    Now I see why people buy much bigger houses when they have kids. This site is excellent birth control!

  34. No advice from me! I love how kids laugh at the silliest things! So is this a to be continued? Did you get the quickie or not?? Don’t leave us hanging.

  35. Lisa Lutes says:

    My second daughter was conceived during an afternoon quickie.

    • Nikki says:

      So was our son but he almost wasn’t b/c our oldest was banging on the door during the grand finale. She got up from her nap early :/

  36. Erin mommy of 3 lil monsters says:

    OMG this is so the story of my life lol my hubby is constantly finding these windows that are invisible too lol more like peep holes not windows lol

  37. Jacquelyn K says:

    Babies can smell the pheromones in the air, i am sure of it. Whenever my husband tried anything 9pm-6am, the baby would start shrieking from his crib near the bed. As for the kids? Here’s my advice: pawn them off for playdates for 2 hours, go home, and have fun!! (the next sunday, you help out a friend so they can have their fun). ps- if they can’t talk or draw well yet, they can’t tell anyone what happened.

    • Jacquelyn K says:

      btw, that advice was NOT to Amber, i don’t want her to puke. It was NOT advice, just a friendly “this is what we do that works sometimes…”

  38. Lauren says:

    Haha! That’s so true! We only have 1 kid, and it’s still hard! “Hey… want to watch Thomas by yourself for 3 minutes?? Yeah?? Okay!! Wait.. .what do you mean where are we going? You have Thomas! Don’t worry about it…”

  39. meliss says:

    Emailing this to my hubs right now!! Why are the guys always more optimistic about the existence of a window?? SMH they never learn.

  40. Dan says:

    Ah, my wife is the master of making up quickie windows…even before kids. If it weren’t for me being the voice of reason, we would have been in big trouble both then and now.

  41. Nadia says:

    My window is NOW!!! But I’m reading this instead as my husband is asleep :(

    His window was last night but I decided to catch up on sleep then instead :(

    Naptime used to be our window but little miss 2 has just stopped having afternoon naps!!! :(
    How do I get her to start again ?!

    Ahhh… the joys of children… sigh… they really are a good contraceptive in so many ways

  42. Jen says:

    Sometimes, just sometimes, hubbies might have better luck if they used the window all by themselves.

  43. emily g says:

    Hmmm … I think my house needs more windows. Many, many more windows.

    Gives new meaning to “Living in a Glass House,” eh?? HAHAHA

  44. Carrie says:

    I love this post so much, this is my life but loads more funny!

  45. Cheri says:

    I’m convinced that My Little Pony was created with the sole purpose of opening these little windows. Twenty two minutes and two seconds of spellbound attention? Heck, I can do that.

  46. I Can't Tell You My Name in Case My Mother Reads This says:

    I still remember walking in on my parents doing their thang when I was five and had seen something particularly hilarious on Giligan’s Island and wanted to share with them. Of course at the time I didn’t know what was going on, but I remembered and eventually figured it out.

    Because of this experience, there is no quickie window large enough for me to feel secure about not being walked-in on.

  47. Candice Moser says:

    sums it up perfectly!!

  48. tara says:

    I wonder if you could hire a babysitter for a quickie? Would that be weird?

    Like….hey can you come over for 10 minutes but we’ll still be here…you know, plugging our necessary parts in….lol

    • Megan says:

      As a babysitter, let me suggest that if anyone actually does hire a sitter, she would probably feel more comfortable taking the kids to a park. It’s awkward trying to keep kids out of a room they know their parents are in, especially when you know what’s going on. And trust me, even if you don’t tell her, she knows.

  49. Charlotte says:

    Am I terrible? I can’t do quickies. I need more ahem, time, to flip the mommy switch in my brain.

    • Jen says:

      I do them for my husband. If it’s for me, it needs to have a longer window. But for him, I’ll do a quickie.

    • Carrie says:

      I don’t actually get to top of the rollercoaster from them either, they are more for connection and for him.

    • Sarah says:

      Me too. My brain will make up noises that don’t exist so that it distracts me entirely. Hubs can’t stand it.

      • Jordyn says:

        Mine does that even at night when everyone’s asleep! The 7- and 9-year-olds are good at sleeping soundly and the 2-year-old has a baby gate keeping her in her room at least. But I still swear I hear something every time! There’s almost no point starting, because the roller coaster rarely make it to the top!

    • Oh yeah. Same here. My brain doesn’t work like that :)

    • Sara Dalton says:

      Same here. Unless my 3-year old has been asleep for no more than 20 minutes, quickies can’t happen for me. Mommy Brain is sure shes gonna wake up and wander in. Sometimes he understands and just accepts the gift, and other times he tries really hard to be ‘thoughtful’ and take care of me-which usually annoys the hell out of me!

  50. Lisa says:

    OMG, this is my life. Right down to my husband creating imaginary windows (or “peepholes”, as Erin said – that’s great!).

  51. Tina says:

    I love the quickie window! Unfortunately they don’t happen often in our house either. We have a 5 year old, an almost 3 year old, and an almost 2 year old. One or more of them are constantly around or are in need of refereeing (my two boys LOVE to fight).Doesn’t help that Mon-Fri my husband leaves for work around 4am (way too early for a quickie and usually our oldest is in our bed) and doesn’t get home til around 4pm. Which is run around screaming like banshees and misbehave time followed by dinner and getting the kids ready for bed and waiting for them to actually fall asleep. That happens between 9 and 10 right when we are frustrated and tired. So all the quickie opportunities are lost and we just get the end of the day bedtime sex. Still pretty awesome, but some quickies thrown in during the day WOULD be fun. :)

  52. Jen says:

    This is my husband and I. Exactly. I just sent this to him at work so he could get a good laugh out if it too!

  53. Liz says:

    Now you have a great code for talking about it in front of the kids.

    Bonus points for letting them in on the code when they’re teens and getting a video of the horrified realization about what was up the year you guys decided against a major remodeling project.

    • amber says:

      Yeah, they are going to read this as teens and be SO grossed out!

      • Monica says:

        lol.. this blog would make for some great bribe-material when they are teens ;)

        You do you chores now, or I “accidentaly” email this and that post to your entire school.. [insert evil mom grin here]

  54. Jennifer B says:

    I don’t know how it is with two kids, but with one… an iphone is an instant quickie window. Free educational games for the win!

  55. I will only ever say this once and it is in direct relation to your topic: thank God for Dora.

  56. Chrizzle says:

    Assvice … hahaha

  57. Mara says:

    This is great! My husband also has a history of being exceedingly optimistic.

  58. Laurie says:

    Oh, yeah – the quickie window! Except that, in our case, I am the overly-optimistic one during the daylight. My husband is only overly-optimistic when it’s the middle of the night and he thinks I am going to wake up.
    Our best friend when they were little was a bathroom door that locked. *That’s* desperation window-shopping.
    It doesn’t get much better. They are less likely to actually cry if you leave them alone, but they are cleverer about what you’re sneaking off to do, more likely to stay up late late late at night, and in 15 years still have not learned to knock. Ever.

  59. neal says:

    Out-of-home babysitting for scenarios like these is pure gold (though probably more rare). But of course when you drop the kids off they always ask what you’re doing or where you’re going.

    And at the same time, one of you answers “see a movie” and the other answers “out to dinner.”

    And you hesitate for a moment and then again, at the same time, one of you says “a movie about food, like…Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. Or, um…Julie and Julia?” and the other answers, “First we’re gonna go to dinner, and then we’re going to see a movie. The Hobbit, I think.”

    And you kinda glare at each other and finally one of you has to piece everything together to make some semblance of a plausible explanation. Because you can’t just say, “we’re going back home to have sex.” What would they think? You’ve already got your kids, so that phase of your life must be over…

    • Aimee says:

      I used to trade “dinner time” with my friends. A couple of us would get together, feed all the kids (safety in numbers), and one of the moms got to welcome Dad home. Usually lasted an hour. A whole hour! But you’ll take what you can get. When the kids asked what were doing the correct response was: “Tax returns! And if we find extra money we’ll take you to… (popular inexpensive destination), but we need quiet and peace to find that hiding money.” Then successfully having found a deduction we’d treat the kids a few days later. Everyone was in a better mood and a windowless room was easier to endure.

      • Kate says:

        “Successfully having found a deduction” has got to be the best euphemism ever. I’m going to use this – we haven’t done our taxes yet, which usually results in near-divorce. This year we are going to find some deductions!

  60. Jerri says:

    I’m 40 weeks pregnant with a 3yo and 4yo, does that explain enough why I’m laughing so hard at this post that i hope it sends me into labor?

  61. Monica says:

    i laughed so hard… you have it down to a tee… and even then it’s like oooo Window!! you’re all ready and it’s wonderful and then “bang bang!!” mommy…. daddy… what are you doing?? *dies* and of course we never had “before the kids were here” so we are like “hurry up and grow up so we can see what these people are talking about!” LOL!!!! totally feel your pain…

  62. Amber says:

    It’s a good thing for the dad’s to see windows. At least they are trying.

  63. your stuff always makes me LOL but this may be my favorite post yet. That and the potty training one where you thought girls were tons easier.

  64. Trena McCandless says:

    kids have been in bed for an hour, lights were out, husband rolls over…”wanna fool around?” teehee. things get all steamy, reaching for that mountain top and suddenly…… the door opens and in walks in the 6 yr old telling us he had a bad dream….
    HOLY COW, REALLY!!!!!?????? Wanted to ask about the dream but I was too afraid the scary noises may have been coming from our room. lol

  65. Emily says:

    Hahahaha! This is great!

    Every man thinks every second of the day is an appropriate window for having sex. It’s just their nature!

  66. Bethany says:

    Don’t tell my husband about quicky windows! He’d be trying all day everyday. Now we only have sex while the little angel is napping or has gone to bed, napping is better because I’m usually to tired by bedtime. I know we need more sex, it’s an important part of marriage and it is fun, it’s just so exhausting ;) Do other parents have sex more than a couple times a month? We are getting better, so sometimes as much as once a week.

    • Jenn says:

      Once a week? I wish. Between my work schedule and my stay-at-home-hubbie with a bad back chasing an energetic 15-month-old, I can’t think of the last time we plugged any parts in. :(

    • minnie says:

      We somehow manage twice a week or so… Of course, sometimes there are interruptions that we have to deal with and then get back to it. I like sex, but I also wish hubs wouldn’t give me an hr of foreplay every time- sometimes I wish for a quickie!

      • Liz says:

        LOL Yes, exactly! Sometimes I just want to get back to my book/sewing/random craft project/laundry before I pass out…

    • RJ says:

      Generally at least 3 times per week here….we’ve been lucky that that part of our relationship hasn’t been too affected by kids…yet!

    • April says:

      We’ve been doing pretty good lately by getting once a week in. I know more would be better for our marriage (and he definitely would love it every day), but we’ve had worse… hence “pretty good” at once a week.

  67. A says:

    yes! Somehow I’ve come to see crotchless panties as pragmatic. Less window dressing…

  68. Ellen says:

    And now we know the truth about why you wear a purple dress all the time… Easy access!

  69. Janet says:

    “Parents don’t even take off their clothes for quickies. There’s no time for that romantic shit. We just make the necessary parts accessible and then plug in”

    Pure awesomeness!

  70. Emerald says:

    I can’t wait to show this to my husband :)

  71. Jackie says:

    OMG this is my life lol

  72. Melissa G. says:

    We have a 5.5 year old, 4.5 year old and 4 month old. Sometimes while the older ones are in school and the baby is napping, we bang one out. On a few occasions we have locked our bedroom door. Most of the time, our windows of opportunity are after the girls are in bed. :)

  73. Tracy says:

    I created a window just last night. Child was gleefully distracted, and I grabbed my computer, hoping to use the time to watch The Walking Dead.

    My husband left the porn up on the computer. Usually this gets him in trouble. But I’m 24 wks pregnant. I’m at the “anything that moves” stage, for those that know.

    So I walked to where he was and said, “You left the porn up.”

    He looked guilty. Maybe a little scared.

    “This is going to cost you.”

    He was still a little scared :) Made it more fun :)

    LOL!

    • amber says:

      That is such a fun stage!

      • Tracy says:

        All the better because I don’t have to worry about where I am in my cycle or whether or not to use the “Vietnam” method – already screwed both those up :)

        I also found another excellent source of sledgehammering a window – my husband’s best friend hangs out and plays music with him all the time – and is very cool with our daughter. “Uncle Chris” will totally take her for a bicycle ride or a walk on very short notice in order to “help a brother out” :)

    • Jenn says:

      I miss the “omg do me now” stage!

    • Allyson says:

      I used to describe that particular brand of sex-crazed combined with just plain crazed as “Sybil on Viagra”.

  74. Riza says:

    This is amazing and true. Truly amazing. Why is it that papas see windows in every wall? And the microwave version also resonates. Its just plain awkward sometimes when you are too tired and delirious to even make enough space, on the couch say, to make it right. . . . ho hum. Its amazing parents can have enough alone time to make more than one baby!

  75. Oh, that is funny. Yes, there’s no that in the daylight hours.

  76. Jodi D. says:

    my husband likes to think windows are during nap time while my 6 yr old is downstairs watching TV until.. well the kid comes up stairs wanting something like a drink or snack and it just cant wait..

    There are no such things as quickies in my house when you have 3 kids and 1 no longer takes naps.
    Only night sex or kids at school sex or right in the morning before the kids wake up lol

  77. Tara says:

    My dr told me after our first was born that kids are the BEST birth control ever!! Hahaha I’m surprised we are even having a second. How do you find the time!! I totally relate and laugh so hard at this blog so often!! Can’t wait for my copy of the book :)

  78. LC says:

    Sometimes we make the ultimate sacrifice and wake up (sort of early, sort of awake) for a quickie. The littles, often sloths, never sleep in on these days. Even asleep they have intimacy moment radar alerts. 10 minutes later they are banging on the door, but at least we know where they are and that they probably can’t hear us over their own racket. We refuse to surrender, we just quickie quicker.
    I just hope that flimsy interior door lock never slips.

    • Juliya says:

      ” Quickie Quicker” – LOL.. I can relate to that.. was in the situation where the baby start crying and we have a fraction of the second of hesitation.. should we stop or just do “quickie quicker”.. and then I see determination on my husbands face and we just go quicker… LOL

  79. Laura says:

    “Assvice.” Part of my forever-vocabulary.

  80. Anita says:

    My husband also invents windows! I’m all for them when they’re there, but come on already. The banging on the locked door is also okay with him.

    Not so much with me.

  81. Alicia says:

    Sounds very much like my husband!

  82. Kinzie says:

    I haven’t seen a window in YEARS.

  83. Jessica says:

    OMG! HAILARIOUS! When 3 kids under 7 I know exactly what you mean.

  84. warmfuzzyfeeling says:

    Aww my poor fella must’ve lost the will to live, he doesn’t see windows any more :(

    That said, last time we had a window (a little over three months ago) I got pregnant with Number Two… so maybe that’s why, haha!

  85. Lynn says:

    My husband and I joke that he responds to Disney jr theme song music the way most men respond to porn. Listen the the lyrics to doc mcstuffins sometime and join our hilarious parental quickie in joke.

  86. Pingback: Quickies window???? | Coffee and Kids

  87. Lisa says:

    My husband will take any chance he gets. Most often it happens in the shower. Quick and clean at the same time! There have been a few conversations that went like this though:
    Him: the boys are busy watching TV in our room, wanna do it in the closet?
    Me: ummmm, no.

    • Jessie says:

      this made me laugh out loud! sounds so familiar. if we don’t do it sometime during the day there is very little chance we will do it at night – once the kids are seriously asleep we are falling asleep on the sofa.

  88. Janelle says:

    What’s sex in the daylight hours like? I don’t think we’ve done that since our daughter took her afternoon naps in her crib. Months and months ago. No memory of what that’s like. Like at all. At all.

  89. neo says:

    LOL! I can definitely relate to this. And we only have one kiddo.=)

  90. Ashley says:

    ROFL @ “assvice”! Bahahahaaaa!!! AND of course, of course your story made me bust up too. :D *tee hee hee* This one is going to keep me giggling for a few days. “There’s no window here!” :D :D :D

  91. Rosalea says:

    Just read this with my husband, this is such an accurate portrayal! We have five kids (aged 2-11y) and are both the “actively looking for windows” type. We do find them, but about 50% the time the window shuts on our heads, and about 25% of the time it’s only him reaching the top of the roller coaster.
    But that leaves the 25% the window DOES stay open, and for that I am very very glad!

  92. Bekki says:

    Just had to add my voice to the chorus of YES!!! Our key phrase is “the kids are busy!” Those four words are like an instant Marvin Gaye soundtrack. But soooooo often uttered by my insanely-optimistic husband. I feel like such a killjoy when I have to say “no, we can’t leave the toddler alone in the kitchen to “cook” just to buy some time!”

  93. Hilarious! Also, sadly true.

  94. Nora N says:

    LOVE IT!! hahahaha my husband is always trying to find windows where there arent any. Like an hr ago =P

  95. Carrie says:

    This is actually reversed for my husband and I. I don’t know what that says about me ;)

  96. Jo says:

    I wasn’t going to attempt patronizing advice, believe me, but I was going to say you’re lucky to have a Crappy Hubby (ha! Sorry! Bleh!) who’s still so eager. I wish you many windows to enjoy that in. My friend said she managed to conceive her second son by giving their two year old a whole pile of rice cakes in front of the video, and that she never could quite look at them the same way again after that :)

  97. Jo says:

    Er, giving their first son a pile of ricecakes, not their yet -to-be-conceived one. That would be very wierd.

  98. Donna says:

    It took me an hour just to read this blog post.. Nuff said!

  99. Morgan says:

    BAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

  100. Linda says:

    Kids are the worst cock-blocker.

  101. Jessica Hembre says:

    I love this! Some days I think our quickie window is nailed and painted shut.

  102. Jenny says:

    My favorite part of all is the “patronizing assvice” comment. Don’t know if it was intentional, but sooooooooooooooooo true!!!!
    Keep up the crappy parenting! Crappy parents worldwide look to you for ongoing inspiration!

  103. Gspice says:

    I am the one and only window maker in our marriage, sadly, but I work it. I’ve hired a sitter — at her home — for just an hour, driven the kids there, come home, done the deed, then picked them up. I finagle playdates specifically for the purpose. And we have trained our daughter (4 — who sleeps in our room) how to turn on the Wii and operate Netflix on her own so she can get up before us on weekends and give us a few minutes of alone time. Don’t judge. A woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do!

    • CJ says:

      No judging! I finally showed our 5 year old how to use the dvd player just so she could watch a movie in the morning while we’re still “ahem” in bed. Of course my husband usually wants to sleep… I’m ther window maker in our house!

    • Monica says:

      Not judging either ;) I ‘trained’ my son from a very early age as well, how to turn on the TV and how to use the DSTV remote to access his favourite kid’s channel or to put on a DVD.. And since he was 6yrs, he received Level 2 training: getting his own cereal!! He’s 8 now and weekend mornings are bliss!!

  104. Nancy says:

    Love this! My husband and I actually installed a backwards lock on our laundry room door so that we could sneak in there and ‘do laundry’. We could hear the kids in the adjacent room (kitchen) asking each other where we went?! So, um, yeah. “Doing Laundry” has an entirely different meaning in my house ;)

  105. awesomecilla says:

    My hubby and I were trying to enjoy ourselves after my 3 year old had gone to sleep. We hadn’t gotten far when the bedroom door opened and a little happy wide awake voice said, “What are you to giggling about in here?”.

  106. Shona says:

    YUP! Couldn’t wait to send that to my hubby! He is a FIFO so when he is home he tried to prise open ALL the windows! Thanx for keeping it real! :)

  107. Jenna Parnell says:

    Before our 2nd child was born we use to tell our then 4 -6 year old we needed to talk about whatever upcoming holiday. To him we were talking presents but for us it was a great window! Now that the baby (18 months) it only happens at nap time and the now 8 year old is in an Xbox trance!

  108. Sarah says:

    Hahaha. When our older kids rush out the door to school, we strap the toddler into her high chair, plop her chair in front of the computer, with a continuous Caillou, Pocoyo or Dora loop and sneak off for ten minutes. Good? No. Good enough? Yeah, it’ll do for now.

  109. Sunny says:

    Not probably. This is exactly why PBS exists. (Thanks Big Bird!)

  110. Melissa says:

    I shit you not. 5 seconds after I read this, my husband turns to me and says, “you want a quickie? Or else I’m just going to get up and go pee.” 5 seconds after that statement, my toddler walker out of the room from her nap. Hahahaha!

  111. Beth says:

    A clip straight out of my life. Definitely showing this to my husband. He also has different ideas about “windows”.

  112. Rachael says:

    Bwahahahahaha! Sometimes, yours and my lives run waaaay too parallel. Hubby and I found the wondering window of opportunity yesterday. Today, he was imagining it was right there where we had left it. Nope. Not there.

  113. Rosina says:

    haha! I have 3 kids, there is NEVER a window ;) although my hubby really tries to create them.

  114. Amber says:

    It is worse when they are teenagers, they stay up all night and they will actually know what you are doing. The windows stay closed for a long time…

  115. Elaine says:

    “Assvice.” Hilarious.

  116. Mindy says:

    You need to introduce your children to the garbage trucks. Ok, they only come once a week but they’re a great distraction. Caution: Your children may become obsessed with garbage trucks for many years and you may have to buy books and videos and toys to feed this obsession. I know, I’ve been there.

  117. johanna says:

    Its like your looking into my life through a window! The last three posts are us to a T. Throw in a crappy preteen and younger versions of crappy baby and crappy toddler and we are right there with you!

  118. Julie says:

    Sex while kid(s) are awake? Your sex life is definitely more active than mine … quickies sound exhausting ;)

  119. Chrissy says:

    Still laughing! So true, just make the necessary parts available and plug in. Lmfao.

  120. Anon says:

    I apparently made some noise at some point and little feet came to my door. Hubby told our 5 yr old “mommy bonked her head, she’s ok though”. snicker

  121. I really don’t know how we ended up with 4 kids as we lived this life you just described!! LOL Now we have learned to tell the kids we are going to go have a meeting about what we are going to do for fun this weekend, if the bug us it will only be fun for us!!!!

  122. Alicia says:

    I wish my husband saw more windows, but it’s usually me trying to create them.

  123. Brandy says:

    I LOVE this!

  124. Kathi says:

    OMG.Too funny and totally spot on. I remember those days so well when my kids were small. And we wondered how we ever managed to conceive the second one. Now my kids are teens, I’m widowed, and I’m dating a divorced dad. He has his teenager every other weekend–and I, of course, have my kids every day. So . . . we are constantly looking for windows! Next week, he has Good Friday off, and our kids have 1/2 day school, and I’m taking Friday off just to OPEN THE WINDOW!! Because the commenters who said that it just gets more difficult when you have teens are correct.

  125. Dave says:

    I think it’s pretty safe to say that most women think the window is smaller than it is, and most men think it is bigger.

  126. Carmela says:

    And sometimes they still manage to crawl into those small, precious windows. I won’t mention the number of times we’ve been walked in on when we thought we were safe. (fortunately when the little one was too young to remember or care…. We hope.)

  127. g says:

    Quickies? hubby sees them when children are watching tv on sunday morning. now that oldest has been in school and youngest is in 1/2 day kinder day time sex….

    on another note, i ordered your book sunday or monday, received it yesterday and read it today. OMG!!!!! your trip that involved a pit stop made me laugh so hard i was crying hard!!!!

    loved it.

  128. With a 5 year old, 3.5 year old, and 18 month old at our house hump o’clock is 1:00.

    In the morning.

  129. Lynn says:

    HAHAHAHA!!!! Funny how those times you think you can leave them watching TV or playing, and on any other day they would continue doing it, but as soon as you try to sneak off their must-find-and-bother-parents alarm goes off right in the middle of “things,” and here come the little feet…

  130. Jackie says:

    We just moved into a fixer upper. Old doors. Old doors = faulty locks. Toddler breakin!!! At the wrong time… Window abruptly slams shut. Perhaps body parts were harmed in the process. Probably TMI but I speak the truth.

  131. Cassie says:

    Haha, can I just say… as a ‘deprived’ woman and momma, I am willing to trade my ‘theres no window’ husband for a night or two haha, and if I start getting frisky during the day ‘not now, the kids are awake…its weird’
    ‘not if we go in the office husband, they cant get there’
    ‘it’s weird, please stop’
    /IM/ the one looking for windows in my house

    my husband has NEVER, not even once given me the ‘poke poke good morning honey someones happy to see you’ routine even before we were married…and TWICE out of our 4 years of marriage and baby raising has he woken me up in the middle of the night sex…

    • Lana says:

      that’s ok you’re not the only one. mine EVENTUALLY got over it. But we still RARELY do anything at all. Even kiss with kids awake. Mostly coz he’s not home much in the day so they go to bed a few hours after he gets home. Then it’s on after they’re in bed

  132. JGo555 says:

    I lurve my kids.

    But they are c*ckblockers.

    There, I said it.

    Don’t deny it.

  133. Shannon says:

    Our window on the weekend is rare, and almost without fail will last just long enough for him to get what he wants and me to be left hanging when one of the kids starts crying. I almost prefer no window at all to a window for one!!

  134. Erica says:

    Men ALWAYS think it’s the perfect time LOL We have found that the best window, at least when we’re not rushed or exhausted or whatever, is right after the girls have gotten on the bus for school and the boy is still asleep ;)

  135. Kim says:

    My 1&1/2 and 2&1/2 make sure that there are never any windows!
    I love hearing that I’m not the only one :)

  136. Emily says:

    We’ve been on vacation 2 weeks with the kids… this means that there has been no window for 2 weeks… I’ve never been so happy to be at the end of the vacation.

  137. Rachel Defo says:

    My first experience with this quickie window was right after my final post baby check up. My mom was staying with us and we snuck away to our room and the mood hit fast. We just started to “plug in” as we hear my mom coming down the hall saying hey rach I think he wants to eat. Baby L. was still nursing then so window slammed shut…

  138. sammersG says:

    What’s gross is that I remember one of my parents’ quickies, because they did it in my room, on my bed, because I had the only room with a lock! Needless to say, I moved into another room pretty quick! Somequickies aren’t worth it! They had at least 3 kids at the time, but still.

  139. Julia says:

    So many windows boarded up after they outgrew the sexersaucer (also invented just parents could have quickies.)

  140. Kelly.R says:

    This is probably my favorite post ever. EVA.

  141. Lana says:

    kids in our bed.. Excellent! we have the REST OF THE HOUSE!! shut the door and turn on some music.. or if they’re up… y’know daylight hours..

    SHOWER.. lock the bathroom door and we’re well away. though mostly ours do sleep in their own beds and they have a safety gate in the door way so even IF they open their bedroom door they can’t get out to see and they keep me way to busy to think about a quickie while they’re up. But hubby isn’t home 6 days a week except for nights so we just take it where we can get it.

  142. Liz says:

    “Opening a window” is now my favorite euphemism for sex.

    We are fortunate to have family in our area, so we will pretty regularly get a weekend when our daughter is at a Grandma’s house, but other than that the windows are rare; hubby and kiddo both wake up and go to bed earlier than I do most days so our schedules just don’t meet up as often as we’d like :(

  143. James M\ says:

    Why is it that there a lot less ‘windows’ viewable by women? Is it because they are left with more than their share of toil around the home raising a family, so have less energy? Or perhaps it is because they are pre-programmed to respond much more acutely to every whim of a child?
    Just thought some interesting debate could be raised about this.

  144. Nikki says:

    Ah yes….but watch out for that quikkie window for it is like a cosmic joke. the more children you have the more potent that one quikkie window a year is likely to end in pregnancy. Did you ever wonder how people with loads of children end up finding the time to get pregnant again….well that is the cosmic joke of it. I have friends who swear they cannot even remember having sex and still end up pregnant with number 4 or 5. i think that was because of darling husbands optimistic view of the window and why he always seems to encourage you when you are out to have that extra glass of champagne!

  145. Julie says:

    I got my book yesterday in the mail — from Barnes and Noble. Just waitin’ for the book plate :-)

  146. Charlene says:

    My husband and I would often refr to our children as cock-blockers when they would interrupt mid session at night. One day our three year old asked us what a talk-blocker was and if she was one. We almost died choking it back. We exaind a “talk-blocker” is someone who talks when they should be sleeping blocking their sleep. We now call them our CBs

  147. Bec says:

    I make windows like this ALLLLL the time. But for eating chocolate, not for sex. My poor husband…. Is it bad I prefer chocolate to sex?

  148. Sarah says:

    Sometimes, I’m a terrible mommy and make windows. Like today. I simply put her outside the bedroom and locked her out. She cried and banged but we ignored her, then she quieted down and played with her toys. She’s safe, there’s nothing she can get into and damnit, it’s been too long! We don’t do it often, I promise.

  149. Dawn says:

    When my son was 3 he was safely tucked in for the night or so we thought and then it was time for mommy and daddy time. Well a few minutes into “it” and I turned my head and my son is opening my bedroom door and says mommy why is daddy on top of you? I wanted to crawl under the wall to wall carpeting lol. My husband replied we had been playing a game if pig pile (a game we played before with him) and he promptly climb onto my husband back giggling. Lord was I mortified I wispered into my husband ear great idea honey now what lol.

  150. Brandy says:

    I love those windows, and I really love a good quickie-on-the-couch window because our bedroom shares a wall with the toddler’s room, so we can be louder on the couch. Man, we used to have awesome windows, in fact, I think we still would, even with our new 10-week-old…..
    ….. Except about a year ago my mom became disabled and now lives with us. She is HORRIBLE about waking the kids up if we aren’t around to tell her they are sleeping. Somehow, 30-45 minutes after they’re asleep is when she chooses to do something louder than what they will sleep through, and then claims to not realize they were sleeping, even though nap and bedtime are a consistent schedule. sigh.
    Now the only time we trust a window to stay open is at least 2 hours after EVERYONE (10wk old, 3yr old AND 54yr old) is asleep, and if we aren’t exhausted ourselves by then.

  151. SD Murray says:

    This is great! I only have 1 and I swear it is because he can sense potential siblings and is blocking the net like a goalie. There is no window daddy—love it!

  152. Window Closer says:

    I would apologize to my parents for “closing the window” on countless occasions if it wouldn’t be an incredibly uncomfortable conversation. I can remember on more than one occasion knocking on their locked bedroom door and asking loudly what they were doing or where something was or if we could do something. My sister being older figured it out quicker and finally told me to leave them alone because they were just being gross and kissing. LOL

  153. Kimmmm says:

    “assvice” …..

    BAHAHAAHA!

  154. Joy says:

    I LOVE Crappy Baby’s “speed lines”! My 2yo is exactly like that, even if I am just looking around to see if it is a good time to go to the bathroom. “Mommy!!!! WAIT FOR ME!!!!!!”

  155. heather says:

    ours consists of when we think my 6 year old is still in bed-and we cuddle in our bed-and then attempt to get the necessary clothes off where we can grab them back on quickly and it’s almost always in the spooning position so that if my son does wake up and come in- (like last week) it just looks like we were cuddling… the worst part is when you are doing the quickie and the kid wants to come snuggle too… and you have to break their heart to say-go back to your room…

  156. kateincottesloe says:

    Invest in a large, strong bolt for the inside of your door. We got busted once too often… Go on, spend $7.95 at Bunnings ;-) Now there are windows all over the place in our house. Floor to ceiling windows. Louvres. Bifolds. Stackers. French doors. Window, window, window. It’s great!

  157. Erica says:

    One night our six-month-old daughter slept through the night. Now she has a little sister exactly nine months after that memorable window. BEWARE THE WINDOW! :-)

    (In a good way, I mean, we were happy about it, but sometimes if you look in the window there is a surprising little situation.)

  158. Abby says:

    Had a quickie in January… pregnant now with my 4th child… ups… I shall close all the windows now, jejeje…

    ;-)

  159. Krystie L says:

    Try having 5 kids who are home educated, and a partner (not their father) who has Erectile Dysfunction……there are no windows…..ever. Quickies do not exist in this relationship.

    I would quite happily trade being woken at 2am for some private time than have to plan around having time to do anything and decide whether or not to use a little blue pill.

  160. Elizabeth Beckman says:

    i can’t wait to show this to my husband…he is of the Crappy Papa school of optimism. he often paraphrases woody allen in annie hall: “nothing could go wrong, sweetie! the girls will be down here playing and we’ll be up in our love next quietly humping.”

  161. Sara Dalton says:

    Best post ever!

    I try really hard not to get annoyed when he thinks there’s a window when there really isn’t, which is most of the time. Perhaps when we have two to distract each other, it’ll be easier… I mean, maybe.

  162. BigMamaCass says:

    Number 1, I don’t think hubs and I have EVER had a quickie window so kudos to you and Number 2, funniest post ever! :-)

  163. cadpig says:

    I don’t have kids… but a girlfriend of mine has 2 and allows them to walk in all the time. Her parents were pretty laid back (I call them dirty hippies) about sex and she and her 2 brothers and her parents all shared one bed (family sleeping or something like that). She feels it didn’t harm her so she doesn’t worry about her kids seeing them get it on. She doesn’t invite them in or anything she just doesn’t get all stressed if they see her and her husband. I think parents worry to much about the effect of kids seeing their parents love one another.

  164. TC says:

    I wanna know how, with two young kids, you even have any sexual desire? Ain’t happening with this momma :(

  165. Sometimes I think that window is more like a screen door. You can barely see something on the other side, it opens with a creak, then slams shut with a resounding thud. On the plus side, remember those “honey, I’m home!” hormones that you had around 5 pregnant when you wanted to do it all the time? They come back in your 40s…somehow windows become easier to find (and hopefully its easier to get the kids out!)

  166. K says:

    Love it!! In our house, windows are shut not just by our 8 month old, but also by our two dogs. Nothing interrupts a nice romantic moment like two dogs clicking around on the hardwood floor outside your door. Then one thumps down in front of the door while the other tries to figure out how to actually get the door open. Ahh, yes, that’s what I call hot!

    • Dotcom says:

      We have a cat who does that. He always manages to get into the guest room when we are in the craziest positions, run up and jump on the bed to stare really close. Totally a mood killer.

  167. b says:

    This is hilarious. I showed it to my husband & all day he’s been saying, “hey I gave the kid a toy, that should buy us some time. WE HAVE A WINDOW!” haha. thanks for this!

  168. Dotcom says:

    OMFG. YES! We only have one. I have no idea how you folks with more do it—except maybe the kids sometimes keep each other busier. I try to talk my husband into staying up late, but he is a morning person so we are screwed (or totally not).

  169. a_snarky_husband says:

    All these wives complaining about how their husbands pestering them with window shopping…

    Are they supposed to window shop elsewhere?

  170. Pingback: ReIndroducing | ReDeuxAble

  171. Pink Ronnie says:

    Oh my goodness. This totally made my day.
    Love your blog to bits.
    Ronnie xo

  172. Ginger says:

    Totally snagged a window of opportunity today! And all I could think about was this blog!! LMAO oh man, I am such a dork….

    Anyhoo, will you be posting the rest of the stories that didn’t make it into the book?? :D

  173. Sillymommy says:

    We have four kids. After a full day of kids bickering, arguing & negotiating, DH & I sometimes decide to board up those windows!

  174. Sarah says:

    We nicknamed our kids “BC” for those moments… You know “Birth Control”

  175. Brandi says:

    So, I read this post to my hubby minutes after it was posted (as I tend to do if he is around when I gleefully see a new Crappy Post!) Then yesterday afternoon we are having a lazy day with the kids, watching “Pitch Perfect”…

    We get to the end of the movie, and some of the extras start playing… We get to the “Line-o-rama Aca-Inappropriate Lines” (most of which are ad-libbed lines that would have bumped the rating but were pretty damn funny) so I nonchalantly convince the kids that they really need to go play something upstairs AND THEY WENT (a miracle in itself with a stubborn 4 and 6 year old)

    Long story slightly shorter… hubby turns to me a says “this looks like a window to me”. It took me a minute to realize that he was referencing this post, and by then he had gone back to the game he was playing on his phone… we ended up watching the rest of the movie extras… aca-missed-window!

  176. Jackie says:

    Ohmygosh, haha, this is so spot on! I swear you are writing about my life sometimes.

  177. Erin says:

    Mmm um..hmmm quickies…Yeah…Kid is almost eight and I still can’t if she is awake and in the house…she must be tucked in for bed…wait at least fifteen minutes…then….yeah we kinda live on quickies in between aniversary and our birthdays. You know when special babysitting arrangements have been made

  178. david says:

    retirement is wasted on the old. all the time in the world.

  179. mijjones says:

    what’s sex? or even this quickies thing you’re talking about?

  180. Skylar says:

    My husband, long suffering, never lets an opportunity slip by. I have to frequently remind him to be more realistic. For instance, while I’m co-sleeping next to the baby: Not okay. While I’m breastfeeding: Not okay, and don’t touch me. While I’m sleeping after working a 16 hours shift: I will kill you.
    Sigh…When are these guys going to get off their ass and hire a human (not tv) babysitter first?

    • boo boo says:

      come on- you gotta live, why not try it while you feed, i mean, it wont notice, if its asleep on your boob, therefore most un-likey to wake up if its actually already attached, will it? ! (-; live a little darlin’

  181. Kristen says:

    wow, you guys have a whole window sometimes? i feel lucky to get a peep hole in a door. if we’re really lucky, its possibly a port hole on a ship. but like i said, only if we’re really lucky.

  182. Pingback: Evil Genius Parent Award #23 – Sex | Evil Genius Mum

  183. andy says:

    my wife sent me this link, and now that we’ve both seen it, it’s almost like WE just had an actual quickie. Here kids, have another popsicle, Papa wants to read it again….

  184. Devon says:

    Hahaha! We grabbed a “window” one morning, without locking (or even closing) the door, close to when the kids usually get up. After we were done, I turned my head to see my then-four-year-old’s face inches from mine. He had crawled up onto the bed with his blanket and had been there for several minutes, and we hadn’t even noticed!

    Until then, I never knew how I might react to that kind of situation. All I could do was laugh! :)

  185. Chloe says:

    another great blog! and i dont like crappy stuff but you, oh how annoying! You make me like you!!!!
    Great stuff.
    Hits the Spot as they say. (-;

  186. Amanda says:

    Hmm. Yes, for sure! Our son (16 months) ALWAYS seems to know within thirty seconds that Mommy and Daddy are having some ‘alone’ time during his nap, before he wakes up in the morning, or when he is down for the night (he is a TERRIFIC sleeper..for now anyway)…then we hear him groan for a few minutes and we crack up laughing. Good thing he is still in the crib..I’m sure we won’t have as much ‘luxury’ to do anything once he’s in a toddler bed…

  187. JJG says:

    So I’m one of those window seeing husbands who is really depressed by all this. I’ve been telling myself for years it’ll get better, but reading this thread I have to conclude it won’t. Yeah! Maybe after we retire, right?

  188. Forever Optimistic Papa says:

    Love it!! Sometimes windows do have to be created. And quickies CAN be very bonding…at times. =)

  189. Amy says:

    And…I have a word for when said parents try to sneak through a window they think is open…movie is rolling, snacks are dispersed…parents are awkwardly positioned behind a locked door when the crying starts…initiate “sprintercourse.”

  190. Jill says:

    Amber, you saved our marriage. I was all about the setting for sex, after the kids were in bed, candles, quiet music, maybe even incense. Yeah, that was before kids. So I showed your blog to my hubby and said, from now on, it’s all about The Quickie”. Gave it
    a try tonight and he couldn’t be happier. Quick and easy. Everyone’s happy. Kids are oblivious. At least until next time…! Thank you!!!

  191. Rachel says:

    All I can think is how messy my kids would be with frozen treats unsupervised during window time. Hell, littlest one cant eat an m&m without drooling all over the place. It’d be a sticky mess all around.

  192. Kelly says:

    omg we have always called our DS “cb”… short for “cock blocker” LOL this has it 100% right!!!!

  193. Isaac Naylor says:

    Omg, that is hilarious…lmao

  194. kendra says:

    OMG so funny and true…. my 3 dont seem to want much to do with me until the window is being opened!! lol

  195. Twins and then some says:

    I laugh hysterically everytime I read this. One of the twins inevitably wakes up no matter what time it is. My poor husband is so frustrated. He follows me around like a puppy nipping at my um heels.

  196. Provide yourself with, to submit Try?Are packaged for, is a stock.Your expected delivery, any language are.Should request a Papa Daddy Photos, lift the new affordable and easier.Becomes inoperable Here, insurance you have.,

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