Potty FAILing (Non-Crappy Collaboration)

It is a Crappy Collaboration* day! This time I bring you  How to Be A Dad.

My first introduction to them** was seeing their baby sleep positions graphic last year. (In an email chain with their logo removed. Grrrrrr.) So if you’ve seen the stolen version of that graphic floating around you now know where it is from! And you can give them the love and attention they deserve. Which is at least a semi-truck load. Maybe even a cargo ship.

*Crappy Collaborations are my way to share some of my favorite, funny parenting writers. They wrote the words, I drew the pictures. See the other collaborations right here

**Them = Charlie & Andy. Two dads run that joint. 

Here is Andy’s post, with my crappy pictures…

 

Potty FAILing (A True Story) by Andy Herald

©2011-2012, Andy Herald; illustrations ©2012, Amber Dusick

We’re in the process of sorta, kinda, not really potty training Lucas right now (2 years old). We got him a potty seat a few months back, but he started standing inside the thing. We put it away when we thought of him learning to poop and pee in it while still in the habit of using it as step stool. (Wow. That was a completely accidental pun right there.)

He doesn’t tell us ahead of time that he needs to go, but he’s gotten to the point where he tells us he’s in the process of whipping up a batch or that -DING!- his biscuits are indeed ready. Trust you me, this is a much appreciated phase for us. Diaper changes are so much easier to deal with “fresh” than if they’ve been tumbled around by two active butt cheeks or had a chance to harden like plaster for an hour or more.

In The Men’s Room

This last weekend, Lucas tagged along with me to the restroom of an upscale restaurant we were dining at. As the urinals came into sight, the super-low little boys’ urinal spoke out to me. It was telling me this was a prime opportunity for me to forward the potty revolution. To point out a future goal to Lucas and provide him with a real-world demonstration.

I called him over and pointed to the mini urinal and said:

He looked up and smiled politely at me, not really getting it but showing that he knew whatever I was blabbing about was important to me.

I stepped into the enclosure of the privacy guards (this wasn’t an anatomy lesson) and started… going. Lucas looked at me, then at the little urinal, then at me.

He’s got it now, I thought. Then he walked up to it and grabbed the bright blue “freshness puck” from the bottom of the urinal and held it up…

No-no-no-no-no!

“Oh God! Please put it back!” I stood there writhing in place, trying to exert 2000 pounds per square inch of pressure on my bladder in a biological effort to fast forward to the end.*

* Note to the women reading this who don’t already know this: for a man, once you start peeing, it can be nearly impossible to stop.

Lucas set the sanitary disc down reluctantly, like handing over treasure he’d only just discovered. I became aware of the steady laughter of a gentleman I hadn’t known was in one of the stalls.

I started laughing too at the thought of what I’d just witnessed and what he’d been overhearing.

I sighed as I finished laughing, looked down, and zipped up.


Nooooooooooooooo!

I whipped my head to see him patting his hair and then scooping up more water from the urinal. “I washing my hair,” he said again with delight. AAAARRRGGG!!! I leapt in and picked up the little toilet-bathing bandit as fast as I could without tearing his or my arms out of their sockets. The man in the stall was now explosively farting in unison to his unrestrained laughter.

I was laughing uncontrollably as I cleaned Lucas up on the sink, and I thought, Lizzie’s gonna kill me. And by that I meant: I couldn’t wait to tell her, but knew I would have to do so with an unobstructed escape route and have ready an accurate report of how many times I’d washed his hands and hair after it had happened.

True story.

————-

Please visit How to Be A Dad because it is packed full of free medicine. (Laughter. Not the prescription stuff, sorry.)

Go like them on Facebook!!! Tell them a joke. Tell them the blue urinal cake says hi. Tell them Crappy Mama sent you. Or something. Whatever. Just give them some love.

Thanks Charlie & Andy! 

This entry was posted in crappy collaboration, crappy pictures, potty training. Bookmark the permalink.

111 Responses to Potty FAILing (Non-Crappy Collaboration)

  1. Kellista says:

    And I thought going to the women’s restroom with a 3 year old was dangerous. Oy!

  2. Shea says:

    So this is what goes on when my husband takes my son into public rest rooms..

  3. natashia says:

    Ahahahahahah! Funniest thing ever! I could see my son doing this to hubby! And how he was excited to tell his wife about it! Ahahahahhaha! I can’t stop laughing lol!!! This was a great one, ill be sharing this with hubby when he gets home.

  4. Angela says:

    I have uncontrollable laughter over here!!! ROFL

  5. Denise Krieger says:

    LMAO. glad he washed his hair and didn’t decide to lick the puck. GAH

  6. Kat says:

    I think I watched this story on The Diary of a Whimpy Kid Dog days, when they went to the public change room before going swimming.

  7. Dea says:

    I totally get this stage of potty training… being in it myself. My son will run up to me and say, “I need to go poop!” And I’m all like… “Heck yea, time to do it in the potty *sniff* Damn >.<"

  8. lizzie says:

    Oh dear, good thing he didn’t take a bit out of the blue cookie!

  9. Lacey S says:

    Loved this the first time I read it – even better now with pictures!!

    • Kristin says:

      My thoughts exactly.
      This is actually the first blog post I had read of Charlie and Andy’s and I remember laughing so hard I was crying, didn’t think it could get much funnier ’til I saw it illustrated 🙂

  10. Anne says:

    I had seen that baby sleep positions and loved it! No idea whose it was, thanks for bringing me to their blog!

  11. Lauren says:

    Bahaha!! I’m loving the collaborations here, thanks!

  12. Jessica says:

    Thanks for the hysterical laughter at the office! LOVE IT!

  13. Rachel says:

    I love HowToBeADad! This makes me so glad that women’s bathrooms don’t have urinals. And that I can stop my pee.

  14. Heather says:

    This is one of my favourite posts from How to be a Dad, the “crappy pictures” truly enhance it! Awesome!

  15. Amanda says:

    LOVE it! Reminds me of something I posted on my long-ago-defunct, mostly-for-family blog. LOL.

    http://amandamom.blogspot.com/2008/11/crappy-hair-day.html

  16. Melly says:

    My husband had the same experience with our son! he came and told me ‘oh my god, he picked up the urinal cake!” me: “WTF? You guys have cake in there??”

  17. Sara says:

    Oh no, not another funny blog to read and waste time on, lol, I’m running out of reading time!

  18. Emily says:

    Love the explosive farts!! I love parenting stories from a dad’s perspective. Perfect!

  19. Taryn says:

    I love the way you drew the little boy holding the urinal cake, the look on his face as he looks up at Andy is priceless! Sending a link to this one to my husband today.

  20. Jill says:

    Well, it is not monkey porn but this made me smile! I can just see the frantic washing after.

  21. Leila says:

    I’m cracking up to: “The man in the stall was now explosively farting in unison to his unrestrained laughter.”
    Seriously, I’m trying to laugh quietly at this while my co-worker is on the phone!

  22. Ellen S. says:

    I definitely require my husband to give the play-by-play recap of the funny/sweet bits that I miss.

  23. Cara says:

    Gross!

  24. Gina Kegel says:

    HAHAHAHAHA!!! OMG, I’m DYING over here! Shared to Facebook so everyone can experience the awesome. *high five* ya’ll!

  25. Katelyn Dziedzic says:

    And I thought it was bad when my 18 month old ‘washed’ her hair with water from our toilet last week!

  26. Deb says:

    oh. my. gosh. I’m dying.

  27. Jackie says:

    BAHAHAHA!! Oh my gosh, laughing so hard. I can’t wait to start potty training my little man… or rather until my husband starts the training. He’s agreed to take this on and I am sure comedy (and terror) will ensue… as proven above.

  28. Juliana says:

    Dying laughing over here.

    I will say that we made the mistake of stopping in a restroom inside the Vienna metro this summer (total restroom fail) and when my husband came out of the men’s room with the two little boys in hand, I quirked my eyebrows at him to say, how did it go in the skeevy restroom, and he just said, “Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.” Having seen the disgusting ladies’ room for myself and knowing I can subtract at least 10 cleanliness points for any men’s room nearby, I tried to steer my clean-obsessed OCD brain in other directions. Still skeeved.

  29. Jamie says:

    That may be the best EVER in the bathroom with a child story I have ever read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    *I mean that way more innocent than it actually sounds.

  30. Jennifer says:

    Hahahaha OMG, this is hilarious! My dad always tells the story of the first time he took my brother to the men’s room in a restaurant, to use the urinal for the first time. Apparently he was so excited when he was done and when he and my dad came out, my brother spotted my mom across the restaurant and yelled, “Mommy I peed on the wall!!!!!” Hahahaha!

  31. Jo says:

    My oldest son was about 3 and potty trained. We were at church and he ran into the mens restroom before I could catch him (I had my newborn daughter in tow). I stood there impatiently waiting. I could hear him in there along with another man. Then the man (the bishop!) came out laughing and said my son had perched himself in the straddle position on the urinal and was peeing. Uhg!! He offered to get my son and help him wash up, but just then my husband came and rescued him.

    • anonymous to protect the innocent says:

      My sister said I should enter this story for the contest, but for my son’s sake it must remain anonymous. My oldest was 4 and I was a college student and single mom, so he often spent evenings with me at the computer labs while I studied or worked as a lab TA. I got word through my boss that there had been complaints about me taking him in the ladies room (someone thought he was too old for that) and that I needed to send him into the men’s room. I didn’t really agree, but thought I’d give it a try. He went into the empty men’s room, did his business, and came out. I’m drilling him on whether he washed his hands when a friend goes in and comes back out immediately to inform me that my son had somehow managed to do #2 in the urinal. It was not a short-people urinal either and we never did figure out how he’d managed it, but I spent quite a while scrubbing him after that.

  32. Jill says:

    Mmmmm, cake!!! Oh, wait, right reason #1,754 why I’m glad we have a girl! Love this and must share with all my friends with sons!

  33. Tannah says:

    Great….thanks….now I will NEVER let my husband take my son in with him for fear of just this happening…because it totally would in my world! Dammit!!! LOL!!!

  34. Di says:

    I’m so happy to have found How To Be A Dad! Thanks for another amazeballs partnership.

  35. Jen says:

    I will check out their blog, this was hilarious!

  36. Melanie G says:

    that’s hilarious!

  37. Jessica says:

    LOL! Love it!!!

    I have to admit I saw the sleeping positions (as you mentioned above) without the logo on FB and I shared it -_-
    I will need to re-share with the proper photo credits.

  38. Dawn says:

    I always get excited when I see you have a new installment because they never fail to entertain. The illustration of the boy “washing” his hair had me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face. I can definitely picture my son doing this to my husband one day…I can only hope that he deals with it as well as Andy did ! 🙂 Thank you, once again, for for the laughs!

  39. Amanda S says:

    I was sitting here smugly laughing at all those dads that have to take their sons into the bathroom and deal with all of the horrors found there. Then realized that I, myself, have a son which will be one day going through this…with a father that is a known hand-washing procrastinator…smug grin has been replaced with a frown.

  40. I’m crying. I’m crying and forwarding this to my husband. Crying.

  41. i would killed dad too. so funny though. we are kinda not really starting potty training too.

  42. Brenda L.W. says:

    I have NEVER laughed at a post as much as I am doing with this one! Holy crap.

  43. Amy says:

    Why, WHY did I read this while at school in the silent study room? I nearly hurt myself while trying to hold it in!

  44. Lyz says:

    Ha ha ha!

    Our youngest is very hands-on, but I think all little boys are at Lucas’ age. The first time my husband took him to the men’s room, he also insisted on touching EVERYTHING, including patting down the interior of the urinal before hubby could stop him. He is also bad about trying to explore the “little trash cans” in the women’s room.

  45. Andrea says:

    OH-EM-GEE! I totally just peed myself. My son is almost 2 and verrrrrrrry interested in the potty, his parts, and watching others go. Its amazing the things you find yourself saying that you totally never thought you would…be gentle with your willy, no poop that was just a fart, poop comes out of your bum, yes daddy has a big willy….

  46. Being a female, I had no idea that the men’s restroom had so many tempting things to get into for a toddler! Here I thought it was bad having those little trash receptacles for our “womanly things” right there in the stall, which is almost too much temptation for a little one to resist. Oooo! A shiny metal box with a lid attached to the wall! Or the little wastebaskets, which my daughter refers to a “little baby trash cans”. That’ nice honey, now get out of it!

  47. TZ says:

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
    I think I’m going to choke I’m laughing so much.
    I’m going to send this to my husband now, as a lesson of “What not to do”

  48. Krystal says:

    “The man in the stall was now explosively farting in unison to his unrestrained laughter.”

    Best. Line. Ever.

  49. Lori Langone says:

    This post had me seriously laughing out loud. Awesome.

  50. Julie says:

    OMG I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants.

  51. Karla says:

    BEST POST EVER! The wonderful monkey mating one yesterday (or some other recent date, who knows) comes in second for sure. IT takes a lot for me to start laughing out loud crazily when reading, but this one got me going and I was easily crying. Awesome and totally checking out their blog.

  52. Betsy says:

    I had an asthma attack reading this cus I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. Well not actually an asthma attack, but I couldn’t inhale. So glad we are past that phase.

  53. Amanda Reed says:

    My daughter once reached into the little trash bin inside the ladies stalls and pulled out a used tampon applicator and almost put it in her mouth. I nearly had a heart attack and also through up in my mouth.

  54. jenn says:

    Lots of penis related posts lately. Just sayin’.

  55. I have funny boy-in-the-bathroom story to add: one of the first times I let my (3-year-old) son use the men’s room alone, I was pretty nervous and gave him a long reminder- don’t let anyone touch you, don’t make any messes, if anyone tries to touch you, just run away. If you can’t get away, scream.

    After a longer-than usual wait, I started getting just a littler nervous and asked my husband to go in and check on him. Just as he was arguing that he’s fine and we need to let him do things on his own, a man walked out of the bathroom. In the split second that the door was open, we heard a scream escape. My husband ran into that bathroom ready to rip a pervert to shreds and found my son, sitting on the toilet with the stall door open, singing at the top of his voice.

  56. Elena says:

    Laughing through this whole story, but I spit on my iPad at:
    The man in the stall was now explosively farting in unison to his unrestrained laughter.
    Hahahahaha

  57. Addie says:

    Trying to control my laughter at work… not possible. Too funny, thanks for sharing!

  58. Angela says:

    hahahaha that’s hilarous. I love “I washing my hair”. Totally something my son would do/say

  59. JJ says:

    So it takes two dads to run a daddy blog but only one mom to run a mommy blog? There is a joke in there somewhere.

  60. Jen says:

    hilarious!

    but, wow – his kid tells him when he’s doing a crap? ours started telling us when he was in the middle of a pee at 18 months, now at 2 he’s reverted to denial. No Nappy. No Poo. No Pee. Later. Soon. No! NO! etc. I’m reduced to waiting it out for 15 minutes until he comes and lies himself down on the change mat (sobbing) or ‘bouncing’ him while dragging him by the arms until he laughs (until we reach the change mat, cue sobbing), or, in case of poo, physically carrying/dragging/being kicked in the mouth before It escapes that nappy and is smeared across the house during his ‘escape’ (usually onto our bed of course).

    I am dreading toilet training. Dreading it…

  61. JoJo says:

    HAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!!!!!

  62. Brian says:

    LMAO!

  63. Marilyn says:

    I made the mistake of reading this while rocking my little one to sleep. Nearly choked with laughter.

  64. Erin Cash says:

    I am crying because I laughed so hard at this. I am soooo glad I have girls. Lol

  65. Leah Cusick says:

    My laughter exploded from me with a rather loud snort, bahaha! “The man in the stall was now explosively farting in unison to his unrestrained laughter.”

  66. Sally says:

    I have anxiety everytime i enter a public restroom with children–this would throw me over the top! Glad he was able to laugh it off

  67. Sally says:

    Also, have you ever posted a comic about little boys peeing outside on trees? Our 3 boys are in the habit of picking the nearest tree before they ever ask to use the bathroom! Feel free anyone, to answer my poll! I am curious what people think that aren’t my family. http://www.sallyseashell.com/2012/10/shi-shi-on-tree-tree-poll.html

  68. Brian Hauser says:

    Reminds me of this week, my 5 year old boy is sitting on the potty pooping. My 3 year old boy is growing around a beanie baby, Skunk. Less skunk no less. I’m saying no, don’t throw toys in the bathroom they can land in the potty. Then I thought, no way it can get in the potty with Logan on it. He’s sitting backwards looking to the back with his bum blocking most of the bowl. Sure enough, Gavin slings Skunk into the air and it lands right down the small crack (pun intended), between Logan’s bum and the seat and splash! into the water. Remember he just pooped but the poop has settled thanks to a high fiber diet and the pee water is clear , thanks to enough water to drink today. Well, I quickly grab Skunk thinking the 5 second rule applies. Cup my hand to catch the water drips and wring Skunk out in the bathtub and flush it with water from the tub faucet. Little soap, scrub, then rinse. Then took a sniff, clean smelling Skunk for a skunk. Left him to dry, a little Fabrese spray and a day later, good as new…I hope.
    Was a fun event and great lesson to the boys, Gavin did say sorry and had the cutest wide-eyed concerned look as the toilet fall occurred!

  69. Brian Hauser says:

    Correction: Throwing, Yes a skunk no less. (remember beanie babies)

  70. Angie says:

    OMG-my husband and I are laughing so hard we are crying!

  71. Jems says:

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!

  72. Another collaboration win! OMG, this post is so funny and made so much funnier by the fantastically crappy pictures.

  73. Michelle M says:

    I love, Love, LOVE Charlie & Andy! So happy they are one your (non-)crappy collaborations!

  74. Gross and hilarious! I am sending this to my hubby, as a warning of what not to do!

  75. DYING. And I totally appreciate the fresh biscuits analogy, Andy.

    True fact, my dad’s company used to manufacture urinal cakes, aka “urinal mints.” Their unofficial tagline was “We’re Pissed On, All Over the World!” I clearly come from good stock.

  76. derpla says:

    I think there is something seriously wrong with your prostate if you’re unable to stop peeing! I think the only time I’d be unable to stop is if I’d drunk 2 pints of beers after 8 coffees and my kidneys were aching from holding it in too long. Seriously, ask your mates – it is extremely easy for a guy to stop peeing.

  77. Yay! I love How To Be A Dad; in fact, you two are probably the only real blogs I follow. So this post is fantastic 😀

  78. Tan says:

    OK, this is kinda TMI…. but… Um – it’s possible for a woman to stop?! I mean okay, I know my pelvic floor is shot after childbirth, but I certainly never could before and didn’t realise that anyone else could.

  79. Sarah says:

    I nearly had a laughing-fit induced stroke reading this! My husband tried to urge me to read another post, but I had to decline, fearing for my life. Oh gord, I don’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. Thank you for that!