Picking Up Women (Non-Crappy Collaboration)

Next up in my October Crappy Collaboration* series is Gina, aka The Feminist Breeder.

You might remember her from when I guest posted on her site about being famous ages ago. Or you might know her from when she live-blogged  her daughter’s birth to 18,000 people. (Hello, amazing much?) So she pretty much doesn’t need this introduction.  Behind the scenes of this blog she has been incredibly helpful, giving me advice about everything from advertising to hiring tech support. So I’ll always be grateful. (And no, her blog doesn’t solely focus on parenting humor like the others I’ve featured this month. But I made an exception because I can. So there.)

*Crappy Collaborations are my way to share some of my favorite parenting writers. They wrote the words, I drew the pictures. See the rest right here.

 Here is Gina’s post, with my crappy pictures…

The Pre-Schooler’s Guide to Picking Up Women, by The Feminist Breeder

©2011, The Feminist Breeder. Images ©2012, Amber Dusick

File this one under: “Kids Say the Darndest Things.”

Monday night, we were eating a ridiculously delicious turkey chili that I made from a recipe my friend gave me.  My darling friend made us several containers when we had the baby, and I was defrosting it and eating it for every meal possible because I just couldn’t get enough.  I’m not much of a cook, but I followed her recipe and whipped up a batch that was a close second to hers.

Of course, despite how delicious it was, Jonas needed me to give him reasons why he should eat it.  This is how nearly every meal plays out.  I give him something yummy, he takes one bite, and declares that he’s full.  Then, I explain how healthy the meal is, and that it will make him grow up big and strong. Only then will he consider eating a few more bites.  He loves talking about how he’s going to be super strong one day, and he’s especially excited about being an “adult.”  He even loves using the words protein, antioxidants, and organic, though, not always in the correct context.

So, I started to explain how the chili contained lots of beans, and those beans contained lots of protein that could help him grow.  Here’s where the hilarity ensues:

“When you grow up, I’m sure you can pick up a couch.”

“Hey Dad, how old were you when you started picking up women?”

Hyphenated Husband’s Mom:

(Daddy pleads the 5th.)

(fighting back laughter)

And once again, the adults get a good chuckle at the kid’s expense.  Meanwhile, the child has no idea why we’re laughing so hard at this.  One day, he’ll figure it out.

 

——————

Thanks Gina!

Please visit The Feminist Breeder or go hang out with her on her Facebook page. You could even bug her about the chili recipe. You know, if you want super strength. I totally do.

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65 Responses to Picking Up Women (Non-Crappy Collaboration)

  1. Erin mommy of 3 lil monsters (the good kind of course) says:

    Haa this is great love when these moments happen ;)

  2. Sara Munoz says:

    Oh, two of my favorite bloggers, rolled into one. Like peanut butter cups, but funny and topical! :)

  3. sarah says:

    haha cute!

  4. Erika says:

    Love it!!!

  5. Michelle O'Hagan says:

    I love the fact that Dad is smart enough to say nothing in this conversation!

  6. Sarah says:

    LOL! Love it. Haha. XD

  7. Jessica says:

    How cute! This reminds me of a blunder or two of my own in my day. I remember when we were vacationing as a family, we were staying in some beautiful condo’s by the mountains. We went out to dinner and me being the only child there was not interested in staying and talking after dinner as the grown-ups always did. My grandmother glanced my way and after several attempts to get her attention I tug at her blouse.. “Grandma…when are we going back to the condom? :(” Of course everyone was in an uproar after that. I was embarrassed and I didn’t even know quite why. Mom explained it to me later. lol

    • amber says:

      Ha! I wanna stay in a beautiful condom by the mountains.

    • annie says:

      When I was little we went to visit an aunt who had a cat named Venus. It was sitting on my Grandpa’s lap when I started petting it, saying, “nice penis… nice penis.” I got the clue that wasn’t quite the right name when all the grownups started laughing!!

      • RAD says:

        Similiar story – sitting around the table with my Mum & Dad, my Nana & Pa, my 2 brothers and my little sister when she pipes up and says ‘Nana, have your got a clitoris in your eye’. I don’t think anyone ever managed to correct her and say cataract. Too busy laughing…

        • Jennifer W says:

          I just died laughing at this & my son wanted to read what I was laughing at. Needless to say I had to distract him quickly! We’ll save explaining of a clitoris to the 6yr old when he starts ‘picking up women’.

          • Sam says:

            These are hilarious…my family still laughs about a day long ago when my grandma went to test drive a Grand Prix and she told the car salesman that she wanted to test drive a “Grand Prick.” Haha.

    • Kim says:

      LOL!!! When I was in high school I went to my best friend’s house for dinner. Her parents, her two little sisters, she & I. Apparently her youngest sister, who was maybe in 4th grade at the time was studying organisms in science class. SO…when she found something in her food that shouldn’t be there she said “MOM! I have an ORGASM in my food!!!”

      Her parents laughed like mad and so did my friend and I, but it was that nervous high-school-girl “should we be laughing at this in front of her Catholic parents” laugh.

  8. Elizabeth Beckman says:

    i’m so infant/toddler focused, i read “16” as “1 lb”…god help me….

  9. Bridgett says:

    Ugh. I’m not a fan of her. She just seems too full of herself and too extreme. Also, the whole live-blogging a birth thing in general is just so incredibly pretentious to me. Seems like there should be bigger things to focus on during labor and delivery.

    • Kelly says:

      Didn’t your mama ever teach you “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all”?
      Gina is obviously important to Amber (thus the introduction) and the crappy drawing was adorable, and not the least bit ‘extreme’.
      Kudos to Amber and vaGina. :)

    • Michelle says:

      To each their own. She’s not my cup of tea either, but I’ll drink when I’m thirsty.

    • amber says:

      No worries, I know FB is considered controversial by some. But that is one of the reasons I respect her! I’m fascinated by people who are “extreme” because I’m not. I would never in a million years do a live birth. The thought of it makes me want to hide in a corner under a blanket. This is why I think she awesome.

      • Claire H says:

        The irony of the phrase “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” is that really, it’s not a very nice nice thing to say to someone. I’ve never read the Feminist Breeder before, but having just looked at her site I don’t think it’s esp funny or awesome myself, but each to their own. In fact these guest posts (esp this one, sorry) are making me appreciate even more how hilarious Amber is on her own! Daddy’s face is the funniest things about this post – hilarious!

    • Roxanne says:

      If it weren’t for brave women willing to publicize their birth experiences, how the heck we would we know what real birth looks like?! No one is going to learn that from the media at large. I am so thankful there are so many amazing people who put themselves out there like that so that I can be more informed about my own body and choices.

    • Andrea says:

      I used to read her blog. She’s got some great resources, especially for breast feeding moms. But when she started complaining that WIC vouchers didn’t pay for organic baby food it completely soured me on her. I don’t qualify for WIC, but can’t afford organic baby food. Why should someone get it for free??

      • love says:

        Just because you cannot afford organics, no one should be able to! Some peoples priorities are different then yours, can’t deal with that, oh NO!!!!

        • Andrea says:

          I’m taking your remark to mean you don’t know what WIC is. She would be getting it free, on my dime as a taxpayer, when I couldn’t afford it for my own son. And your dime too, if you pay taxes. You want organics, make enough money to pay for it yourself. Otherwise eat the regular old Gerber like millions of others.

        • Mona Lisa says:

          It’s not about jealousy. If WIC provides organic foods and baby foods, (which are more expensive), they will wind up serving less mothers. They only have so much money to go around. So providing organic food for some means cutting others from the program entirely. It that way, yes, it is selfish to demand organic food for your children. Your essentially saying, my child deserves organic more than your child deserves to eat at all. Besides, if you want WIC to provide organic food, petition the organic food company. If they are willing to provide it at low cost or even donate it for a good cause, then WIC can use them. WIC uses whoever is within their price range. If the organic stuff was affordable, they would happily provide it.

          On another note, I was never crazy about TFB, but she banned me from her page for posting almost exactly what I stated above in her comments. She banned a bunch of other people too, and I saw their comments. No one was being rude. Since then, I’ve kept an eye on her page, and it seems to be something she does rather frequently. Some people were rude, and clearly deserved to be banned. Most were just disagreeing with her. Apparently she can’t handle different opinions, so yeah, that made me go from feeling “meh” about her to “wow, what a bitch”.

          • Again, never asked for “organics.” Didn’t happen. I wanted WIC to offer CHEAPER, healthier items. I know, the truth is so much less exciting than the fabrication, but seriously….

      • In case anyone wants to know what I ACTUALLY said, instead of what’s being fabricated here, it’s on the internet for anyone to see: http://thefeministbreeder.com/my-short-lived-and-disappointing-experience-with-the-illinois-wic-program/

        I said that I wished they had provided less sugary juices and cereals, and instead offered us FRESH, whole fruit so I could make my own baby food. I never demanded “organics.” Never. I wanted CHEAPER, whole food. And it didn’t even matter because I didn’t utilize the system. I simply made my statements for the other families who have no choice but to get the sugary juices and cereals and peanut butter filled with high fructose corn syrup from the WIC list. That system can and should be doing better for families, and it would make it CHEAPER for everyone.

        • Michelle says:

          Uh…no, Gina, where’s the link to the shitstorm on your Facebook page? Oh, that’s right, you deleted and banned anybody who pulled you up for your spoilt attitude (yes, me included). Your comment above is SO full of it, and don’t think there aren’t screenshots of your whining about the ingredients in, for example, Gerber jars (which was proven to be the nothing but fruit/veg and vitamin C, but you deleted that too), being obnoxiously rude when people offered friendly suggestions such as growing some of your own fruit and veg, and your general bitchy tone towards people who were not as lucky as you were to even have access to such assistance as WIC. Grow up, and more importantly, stop the bullshit. After all the drama YOU have created, produced and starred in, you have no credibility left.

          • L says:

            Well said Michelle.

          • I’m sorry you feel the need to spread vitriol on Amber’s blog. I’m sorry feel the need to stay hateful, hurtful things to someone you don’t even know. I’m sorry you can’t help but call someone names. But I’m NOT sorry for who I am. A great many people respect me, appreciate me, and like me, and those are the opinions that matter to me.

        • Mona Lisa says:

          I was referring to the facebook conversation, not your blog entry. I’m not making things up, though it’s certainly possible there was a misunderstanding of some sort. No way to know since it’s all gone now.

          I don’t care how you feel about WIC, or gerber, or anything else for that matter. I’m ok with us disagreeing. Debates are fun. They help us learn and grow. They help us understand other viewpoints even when we don’t agree. But apparently you can’t handle that. Maybe you stress too easy?

          I understand that sometimes you have to ban trolls or rude commentors. But I was just a mom checking out a supposedly cool mommy blogger I’d heard about. So were many of the others who were banned. Obviously it’s your page, and you can do whatever you want. But this method has the negative consequence of us going from thinking you’re interesting to thinking you’re a bit of a solipsistic shrew.

    • love says:

      You just sound jealous.

  10. Becca says:

    wow, that picture totally looks like Gina and HH. Great job!

  11. Kim says:

    Husband is a smart man. Just sit and eat your dinner, don’t say a word…

  12. Carrie says:

    Where can we get the recipe for the turkey chili that was so yummy that she couldn’t stop eating it?!?! I’d love to give some to my son so he can grow strong enough to pick up women by the time he’s 16 (although I hope he doesn’t pick up women until he’s old enough to have his own place – but he should still be strong enough to do it, I just don’t necessarily want to see it)!

  13. Amanda Reed says:

    LOL Love it!!

  14. OW! OW! I’m extremely sick today with some sort of weird (probably terminal, at least it feels terminal) stomach thing and this was so funny that it literally hurts me to laugh! Oh thank you for posting this! You may have just given me my last laugh! OW! OW!

    I love it that kids are so darn literal!

  15. G Johnson says:

    When I was a kid, we visited some friends of my parents in El Paso. They took us downstairs to show us where all of us kids would sleep; me, my three sisters and their son “Quickie”. There was plenty of room for all 4 of us kids in the king-sized bed in their guest room. The adults were speaking in Spanish and laughing so much & so hard I thought they were going to fall down. And Quickie’s very pregnant mom peed in her pants, which made them all laugh even more. I couldn’t understand what they were all laughing so much about. And when we asked they just laughed some more… I never did find out what was so funny …

  16. A Aponte says:

    I needed to read this before we had dinner tonight. I made chicken enchiladas “with black beans”. Before attempting to eat his enchilada, my 14 yer old son carefully dicsected his to remove all of the beans. (I swear the one he picked contained half the can of beans.) Then he took 2 bites, that was it. Will be using the picking up girls tactic in the future. Probably won’t work but will be worth the laugh.

  17. Angela says:

    Recipe please!

  18. Juls says:

    That was effing fantastic! So much funnier than the debate.

  19. Christiana says:

    I can only hope my son will be 16 when he first picks up women, but judging by the small harem that surrounds him when he gets to pre-school, it ‘s not looking so good…..for me.

  20. Mercy says:

    Sometimes the best thing dad can do is not say anything. :) Loved it.

  21. Janelle says:

    When my first daughter was a few years old she suddenly became very belligerent about eating good food. She would get upset when I suggested something to eat, and only more worked up when I reminded her that it would help her grow “big and strong”. Finally I managed to get her to talk about it.
    She was afraid that if she kept eating good food she would grow too tall to fit in the house and then she’d have to live in the backyard all alone.
    Now we use the word “healthy” instead of big.
    Ironically — that daughter is now 10 and loves lots of good, healthy food. And she’s the shortest girl in the entire 5th grade at her school.

    • S says:

      Thanks for this insight. I’ll start using the word “healthy” instead of big. Even though the young lad is getting taller and heavier. But I don’t want him to get anxious, so “healthy” it is!

  22. Devan says:

    Hilarious!!

  23. Oh, look! Two of my favourite people in one place!

    Love it. :)

  24. Sarah says:

    Hilarious, as usual! Thanks so much for this, but seriously, where can I get the chili recipe? :-)

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