Penis Pizza

We ordered pizza. Crappy Boy and Crappy Baby are in the tub.

Crappy Papa is in the bathroom with them to make sure they don’t drown each other or crash tidal waves across the floor.

The doorbell rings. Pizza delivery man is here. 

I’m right near the door so I guess I’ll have to answer it. Normally I’d make Crappy Papa handle these things. You know, human interactions. But he is on tub duty. The kids are happily singing a song. 

I open the door. The pizza delivery man hands me the pizza box. Up until now I had tuned out exactly what the kids were singing about. But now I notice:

pizzadelivery1

I’ll ignore it, that is what I’ll do! Act like I can’t hear it. If I act like I can’t hear it then he won’t be able to hear it either. 

I take the pizza box. Normally I’d walk five steps and set it on the table, but there is no time for that today. I toss it down onto the floor. Uh oh, that probably looked weird. Now he knows I’m rushing. He knows that I can hear “penis, penis” which means he can hear it too. 

This makes me uncomfortable. We’ll have to do this quick!

The kids start yelling PENIS! over and over again. 

pizzadelivery2

Crappy Papa knows I’m handling pizza dealings. He shushes them. Which makes everything worse.

Kids can smell parental embarrassment likes dogs can smell fear.

And they will attack you for it. 

pizzadelivery3

They start screaming PENIS PENIS PENIS at the top of their lungs with shrieks of laughter in between. 

The pizza delivery man hands me the receipt to sign. (PENIS! PENIS!)

He has one you know. A penis. This is why this is so awkward. (PENIS!)

Should I say something? Should I make a joke about the kids? Is ignoring it better? I can’t think of anything funny to say! (PENIS! PENIS!)

(PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!) 

I look at the total and have to decide how much tip to give. (PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!)

I frantically sign it and hand it back and throw the pen at him. (PENIS! PENIS!)

Crappy Cat runs to the door and attempts to bolt outside but I stop him by stepping on him with my foot. (Gently. Relax cat freaks.)  

pizzadelivery4I’m embarrassed and acting so odd that he must think I’m absolutely crazy. Which I am, but I don’t want other people to know. 

Balancing on the cat, I manage to say thanks and shut the door.

I will now LOUDLY yell to the kids that the pizza is here and to get out of the tub. I’ll intentionally do it loud enough so that the pizza delivery man walking down our porch steps will hear it. This will reassure him that everything is totally normal in our house. That this whole thing has unfazed me. Just a regular mom with silly kids.

So I yell something. Just not the right thing.

pizzadelivery5

Yes. I yelled that. 

pizzadelivery6

I will never answer the door again.

This entry was posted in anxiety, crappy pictures, food, life. Bookmark the permalink.

416 Responses to Penis Pizza

  1. Tia says:

    LMFAO I’m dying over here, laughing so hard I’m crying!

    • Alison Smith says:

      Me too. O-M-G. Almost couldn’t breathe. You’re a comedic genius, Amber. The crappy blushing tipped the scale for me and it just built up from there! They *do* smell embarassment. But don’t worry, karma is a beotch when they’re teens.

      • Jennifer J says:

        You get to tell this story to every teenage girl who walks through the door. This one is going to give you payback for life!!

    • Stephzombie82 says:

      I laughed so hard I started to cry a little bit. Epic!

    • Mampha says:

      Me too!! RAOTFLMAO!
      Small keeps asking me “What are you laughing at?” but what can I say??
      “Penis?”

    • chloe says:

      LOL i almost did the same thing to my friends little girl
      —____—

    • Charlene says:

      Me too, holy smokes! I was laughing so hard, especially when you threw the pizza on the floor. My husband was looking at me funny so I made him read it too and he was laughing too. Our son also likes to sing about his penis. Too funny.

    • Tessa says:

      OMG thats gonnabe me one day!!!!!!! LMBO!!!!!

    • Nadina says:

      This reminds me of when my daughter was young and my sister and her bf came over. my daughter got out of the tub and came to my sister in a towel and said she talks, my sis says who talks, my daughter points to her VJJ and says it sings wanna hear? well this is to much for not answering yes, so she starts singing Vagina won’t you blow Vagina won’t you blow your horn. LOL my sis bf was embarrassed and the rest of us were rolling on the floor.

      • Chelsea says:

        Wooooooooooooooow see this is why everyone needs siblings. There just aren’t stories that good in the life of an only child.

      • Marisa says:

        This comment is almost as good as the post!
        I have 5, mostly grown, kids and 2.9 grand kids (he’s almost baked enough). The singing vajayjay sounds like something my almost 3yo grand daughter would say… while grinding out her “nakie” dance.
        I’ve tried telling her Mommy to keep her away from poles.

  2. Jessica S. says:

    This absolutely made my day! LOL

  3. Crystal Allison says:

    LOL!!!! Glad to know my son isn’t the only “penis” obsessed boy out there! =)

  4. Sandra says:

    Sounds totally normal to me, but I had nine kids, and 7 1/2 grandkids, and some of them really liked that word. At least it wasn’t vagina. If you had girls, that is what they would have been singing…..probably.

  5. Amy says:

    This has to be one of my favorite posts by you ever! I didn’t stop laughing the entire post. I probably would have caved in that situation and given a bigger tip than necessary :)

  6. Karen says:

    Boys and their odes to their penis. It never ends. So funny!

  7. BeckyKay says:

    Oh my gosh!!! I am CRYING!!

    That is hysterical!!

  8. jenine says:

    normally my 6 year old loves to look at this blog with me. i think i will keep this one from her. i should probably stop letting her see crappy boy’s and crappy abby’s antics anyhow. she made me a comic strip for mothers day that started with me changing her brother’s diapers and ended with him trowing poop at me in the shower……. :) my kid never yells “penis” . the big one yelled “shit!”. sigh.

  9. Krista says:

    Ha! I love it :)

    I think my favorite part isn’t the penis stuff but the look on the cat’s face!

    • Rana says:

      I know! Its eyes are killing me!

    • Also, my cat does this to me, too. When I’m trying to get rid of a pushy teenage baseball team member trying to sell me water softener salt. Or when I’m trying to get my oldest out the door in the morning for school, and the phone is ringing and the baby is falling out of its high chair. My cat bolts for the freedom he hasn’t had in 17 years.

      Now everytime he does it, I’m going to think of the singing of penises in unison and pizza delivery boys. Oh dear!

    • Amy Kane says:

      Yes! the cat expression was so funny! It’s amazing how quick and skinny my cat can become to get through a closing door.

  10. sara says:

    The penis is here!!! LOL, I totally have said stuff like that.

  11. Amelia says:

    This had me laughing out loud! “Kids can smell parental embarrassment likes dogs can smell fear.” Oh God so true!!! Absolutely BRILLIANT. Thanks for making me laugh.

  12. Brianne says:

    HAHAHAHAHA Oh my goodness, I just almost peed my pants laughing! Too funny! Thanks for always making me laugh (:

  13. Sharlene says:

    OMG too funny. I am laughing so hard right now that my co-workers are looking at me weird. :)

  14. Fiona Austin says:

    This had me laughing out loud!!! I thought it was a funny enough story already…. then I got to the ending! :) Too funny!!!

  15. Michelle says:

    OMG! I’m laughing at my computer. Again. Way out loud.

  16. Annie says:

    Oh, thank you for this!!! I have tears streaming down my cheeks!!!

  17. Monica says:

    LMAO this made me laugh so hard!
    BTW I also (gently) step on my cats when they try to escape.

  18. katrina says:

    LOL omg I’m dying! Best post ever!

  19. Lola says:

    May I say that your blush was adorable! Very funny.

  20. candi says:

    OMG I literally have tears running down my face!!! Reminds me of the time my friends young boy was yelling, “FARK, FARK, FARK, WHO FARKED?” at the top of his lungs all the way thru the grocery store. The entire store was laughing, WE were not!!!

    • Merrin Pringle says:

      Yes, we’ve had to cringe behind a trolley and pretend that the sweet little girl cheerfully announcing “fark” to passers by isn’t ours. She knew it had that effect on us, cos she kept watching us with a sadistic little smile on her cherubic face.

  21. road2vba2c says:

    At each diaper change, my 3.5 year old (speech delayed, has sensory issues) will say one of the few two-word sentences he knows, “See, Penis?”

    This is all too familiar territory for me! I laughed so hard I scared the kids! Thank you for perking up my day!

  22. Tarina says:

    OH MY GOD! That has got to be the funniest thing I have ever read. I love love love your blog, but OMFG lol!! I get tongue tied with my kids all the time and slip silly words into sentences they have no business being in based on the background noise (of which, with 4 kids who all talk to some degree or other, is alot of noise lol). I tell my husband I need help folding the poop instead of the laundry, all kinds of gems. So i TOTALLY got this post. I shall await the future post the next time you order dinner and the boys ask you if the penis is here yet ;) <3

  23. Janelle says:

    And that’s why I never answer the door. or deal with pizza delivery guys. I think I’d probably fake a broken ankle to get out of getting the pizza delivery. Or maybe just break my ankle for real.

  24. Kate says:

    Ha ha ha! Kids definitely have a radar on the most inappopriate time to embarrass their parents. I think that’s why they get so embarrassed by us when they’re teenagers. It’s simply karmic retribution. Just wait a few years and revenge will be yours!:)

    Kate
    http://www.justdelivered.net

  25. Autumn says:

    OMG this was hilarious! Especially the cat part lmao!!

  26. Cynthia Holt says:

    My son, having 2 older sisters yells vagina a lot. I had to tell him once that he didn’t have a vagina.

  27. Desiree says:

    bahahahaha!

  28. Di says:

    “Kids can smell parental embarrassment likes dogs can smell fear.” SO f-ing brilliant. LOL

  29. Bodega Jane says:

    HIL-FREAKIN-ARIOUS!

  30. Stacy says:

    Your foot? On the cat? Hysterical! I have sooo been there. :D

  31. Lindy says:

    You’re awesome. That made my penis! I mean day! LOL!

  32. Christine says:

    Love it! Just what I needed to get my day going!

  33. Anastasia says:

    Oh my goodness I laughed so hard I think I’m going to pass out … that is so awesome …. omg

  34. Diana says:

    yesterday I was trying to reassure my 22 yr old daughter about an injection to shrink a keloid on her nose and I told her “you just squeezed a baby from your vagina, I think you can handle a tiny needle” in front of my almost 3 yr old son. so when she was on the phone talking to her m-i-l on the phone in the car he was yelling in the back ground “YOUR BABY SQUEEZED OUT OF YOUR VAGINA!!” over and over and over. I have to watch what I say.

  35. LRC says:

    LOL! Moms need to share these experiences with each other, it’s therapeutic. I have children that act much the same as yours do. it’s always good to come over to your blog and see that you are having the same type of day I am. We are in good company. :)

  36. Rachael says:

    My daughter knew the difference between a penis and a vagina….until my son came along when she was 2. Since then, she insists she has a penis too. I take her (now 3) to the park and put her in the baby swings, and she likes to say (nay, yell) that the leg divider hurts her penis. “swing hurting’ my penis, mama!” “you don’t have a penis!” I whisper. and eventually, she caves. “my swing hurting my GINA!”

    Eh…small victories.”

  37. Heather says:

    Thank you so much for the morning laugh!!!!

  38. Joan says:

    Thank you thank you thank you for one of the best laughs I have had in a while. Well except the recent one where my 35 month old came up to me, looked me in the eyes, cupped my face with his hands, leaned in and then licked my face.

  39. Kim says:

    Oh my gosh, between the story, and the cute pink cheeks, and standing on the cat (which I’ve done so I totally get what you’re doing) I can’t remember the last time I’ve laughed so hard!!! Thanks for the giggles!

  40. Krystal says:

    Lol…too funny.

  41. Lucinda says:

    I’m dying over here!!

    A couple of weeks ago, my youngest was supposed to be getting his underwear and PJs on while I paid for pizza. As I’m standing there signing the receipt, I hear his little 3 year old giggle and start to ask if he’d like to help take the pizza to the dinner table. I turn to see him bare naked with his underwear on his head, holding his penis. I’ve never been so happy to be dark-skinned in my life (so the delivery guy couldn’t see me blush). I sternly told him to go put his clothes on, whilst struggling to hold back my laughter. Boys are too much fun. *sigh

    • Carol Gardens says:

      Lucinda, Thank you for giving me another laugh—I cannot believe how many funny embarassing moments my children gave me—that I have completely forgotten…then I read these posts…and the memories come back to make me laugh all over again!

  42. Kim says:

    I’m doing that laugh where only air comes out, no sound. It’s a good thing the bosses are away at the moment. This will probably be bookmarked for days that need a good laugh.

  43. Lisa Lutes says:

    This is just starting at our house. This morning our two year old yelled ‘DADDY HE HAS A BOOGER!’

  44. Kathy V. says:

    If I had a dime for every time I’ve said penis instead of penis … wait, that didn’t come out right …

  45. Lori says:

    The tears are streaming down my cheeks, I’m laughing so hard. I could so see this happening at my house with my two boys.

  46. Rachel says:

    OMG I actually snorted. This is hilarious. Particularly bcs my son is obsessed with saying penis and says it inevitably at the exact wrong time. thank you.

  47. For.the.penis. I MEAN WIN! WIN!! For.the.win.

  48. Angie says:

    Just when I thought you couldn’t get funnier you do! Absolutely brilliant, my favorite post!!!

  49. Heaz says:

    Damn it Amber. I must remember to not read your blog while attempting to nurse a baby to sleep. OMG explosive laughter really startles ‘em!

  50. Jennifer says:

    Just wait until you introduce your child to someone and she replies, “I came outta my momma’s ‘agina!”

  51. kim says:

    I am laughing so hard right now. Oh god thanks for that. I am never answering the door either. lol

  52. Deirdre says:

    Reading this while holding a sleeping baby was a BAD idea. I was silently shaking with laughter, praying I didn’t wake the baby!

  53. Beth Reinhart says:

    Bwahahahaha!!! This made me laugh so hard! The weather the other day was gorgeous so when we went out in the van we had all of the windows open. While putting my son in the car after getting groceries he said that the buckle of his car seat was hurting his pee thing. We corrected him and told him it was called a penis. Then he starts chanting penis over and over as I’m getting his brother buckled in. To my embarassment there was a car parked right next to it with two people sitting inside who heard the entire thing. LOL.

  54. Natasha says:

    My office cat is now giving me dirty looks from under the desk, because I laughed SO HARD at “The penis is here”. Thank you. I’m gonna order some penis…I mean pizza for lunch.

  55. Sarah says:

    LOL I bet the pizza man loved telling that story when he got back to the penis shop. ;)

  56. Emily S. says:

    In a similar route of parental hilarity, the other day my 3 yo brought me my phone, and I noticed that he had made a phone call (still on the call) lasting upwards of 5 minutes. On the other end of the line? The voicemail of the company that my husband had been trying to get an interview with! That’s right, up to 5 minutes of our private family interactions (probably some penis talk in there…) on their voicemail!!! Awesome. And um… no interview. :)

    • Nancy says:

      My daughter passed this along to me and I’m still laughing! I can relate to Emily S. though too! My daughter texted me the other day and said her 2 1/2 yr old son had called DHS 5 times! Think what might have been happening at your house in the last 15 or 20 minutes or in the case of the penis story, when your child called DHS? ROTFLOL!!

  57. Mandy says:

    Oh gotta love freudian slips!! Hahaha!! Priceless!! My husband named our wireless network “Wiiness”… I accidentally said that our wireless network was called “Penis” to one of my cousins who had never been over before… I then said “I meant Wiiness! Wiiness!”

  58. Adele says:

    Love it!

  59. jo says:

    Sometimes there just aren’t things you should read at work. This would be one of them. I just want to bust out laughing, but I can’t. Trying to supress my laughter is making my stomach hurt and my eyes water.

    This is hysterical!

  60. Sarah says:

    Oh man, I am laughing so so hard…I love you! I am usually just trying to wrangle my streakers from darting out the door when someone comes.

  61. Karen says:

    I have had a horrible week, and this just made it so much better. Thank you!!

  62. Colleen says:

    Totally cracked me up. Like seriously!

    The other day my mom and sister were over for dinner. My 3 year old son was running around with only a tee-shirt on (we’re potty training) and I told him to go put on some underwear because no one wanted to see his pee-pee. He promptly took his finger and pushed it in and yelled “see, there is no pee-pee any more!”. All of us couldn’t help but laugh. So not what I was expecting.

  63. Adriane says:

    Oh my. They really got into your brain. Loved this post, thanks for this!

  64. Lisa says:

    This is precisely why we do not teach our children proper names for sex organs. Just cutesy nicknames…
    Does my 4 year old know the molecular weight of oxygen?
    Yes.
    Can she build a model of a water molecule?
    Yes. (Ok, only because it looks like Mickey Mouse…but still)
    Has she ever heard the words vagina or penis?
    NO!

    • Julie says:

      You’re an ass.

    • Gabrielle says:

      PSA: should your kids ever need to talk about their anatomy in court, nicknames are not admissible testimony. I figure it’s easier to teach them clinical terms before trauma occurs. (And, of course, work my ass off making sure that doesn’t happen. But just in case, we’re nerdy about the periodic table AND periods.)

    • Pamela says:

      parental embarrassment is a small price to pay for protecting your kids from sexual predators. All the literature I’ve ever read on preventing sexual abuse of kids says the same thing – that talking to your kids openly about their genitals – giving them the correct names for them is hugely important. Pedophiles will target children who don’t know the names of sex organs because it’s a sign to them that the parents aren’t willing to talk openly with their children about sex and are communicating (whether intentionally or not) that it’s something to be kept secret or be ashamed about, making it more likely the child will NOT report to or tell the parent that they’ve been abused.

      • Lturtle says:

        I am disappointed to see such negative replies to Lisa’s comment. She is making a parenting choice that may be different from yours, but that doesn’t make it a bad one. It certainly does not men her children will be attacked by pedophiles.
        I also chose to teach my daughter cutesy nicknames for private parts when she was young, precisely because I knew she would use them in public. When she was old enough to understand the difference between public and private (ie. appropriate speech/behavior for each) we had an age appropriate conversation about correct terminology. We also did a homeschool unit on anatomy around that time which helped I think.
        Let’s please be respectful of each other’s parenting choices, even if we disagree.

        • zelda says:

          amen!!!

        • Pamela says:

          Please don’t accuse me of being disrespectful. I didn’t call Lisa names or say she was an idiot for making the choices she has made, I simply wrote what I believed to be important information about protecting her children. If she chooses not to believe me or act on it, that’s fine. I’m not saying her children will be targeted by pedophiles I’m passing along info that pedophiles often view children who have not been taught names for sexual organs because they see those children as more vulnerable. I assumed she possibly wasn’t aware of this info. If I’m wrong that’s fine. Why is it wrong for me to be concerned and want to give her what I believe to be important information? Why is that being negative?

    • Carol Gardens says:

      ha ha! I wish I had thought about that! I decided not to use the word “no” around my firstborn..(that way, I figured, I wouldn’t have to hear my toddler screaming, “NO!” at me)Instead, I used,”That’s not for babies,” in a sweet sing-song voice….that was a cool idea, I thought, until he headed for something dangerous, one day, when the baby was in my arms, and I yelled,”NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!” -shocking myself and my toddler into freezing in place for at least 60 seconds!

  65. Mona lisa says:

    Ah, parental embarrassment stories. I don’t have any of my own yet as my boys are 8mos old and 2yrs old, but I’m sure I will soon. Meanwhile, I’ll share some from my childhood.

    When I was around 2-3yrs old, my I was quite active and rambunctious. My dad would joke that for christmas he was going to buy me tie down straps and a muzzle. Well christmas rolled around, and you’ll never guess what I asked the santa clause at the mall for. My mom was beyond mortified.

    Our next door neighbors had kids the same age as my brothers and I, and we grew up together for about a decade. One day, her husband brought his boss home from work. Her boys (3 and 4 at the time) came running down the hall, and wanted to show everyone their “airport”. So they all go down the hall, but instead of going to their bedroom, they go to the bathroom. Where they had taken every single one of their moms maxipads with wings out of the box and stuck them all over the walls, floor, tub, etc.

    My youngest brother could not say his “TR” sound to save his soul. It always came out as an “F” sound. Unfortunately, he also loved trucks. This put my mother in many embarrassing situations which she handled gracefully for the most part, since by then I guess the rest of us had embarrassed her enough for this to be a small thing. Except one time. We were at church. My mom and I were walking down the hall after service to pick my youngest brother up from the pre-school class. On the way down we hear it. “Give me my F—! I want my F—!” In fact, everyone heard it loud and clear. We get to the door to see him chasing a sweet little girl with curly blond hair, screaming that he wanted his truck. I swear, she barely kept herself from fainting. She slumped back against the wall, and looked as though she wanted to crawl into a hole and die. An elderly woman saved the day, breaking the silence by patting her on the shoulder and saying “Don’t worry dear, some day you’ll be able to pay him back by telling this story to his future wife.”

    • Genevieve says:

      These are priceless!! The first my Dad used to threaten my brother with all the time ~ I guess he got lucky not asking Santa for them ;)

    • Claire says:

      ROTFLMAO! The maxi pad airport cracked me up – tears rolling odwn cheeks. Awesome laugh before finishing the chores

    • Carol Gardens says:

      very funny stories!

      • Rachel says:

        The first word I ever said clear as day was ‘Shit’. We were eating dinner, I sat between mom and dad, I dropped my food on the floor. I said ‘Shit!’ My mother looked at my father and told him I was no allowed to be out with him while he wrenched on the car anymore. Small pitchers have big ears.

  66. Trbobitch says:

    OMG!! You cruel evil person! You hate your penis! I mean… cat!

  67. Mai says:

    I love it. I literally laughed until I cried. Thank you.

  68. Kristen says:

    Hahahahhahaha. I can’t stop laughing. Haha

  69. Diana says:

    bwah hahahahaha!!
    My kids sing the same song at the grocery store,Joann’s, Staples, chick Fil A etc etc, but in a round robin style and with “fart” and “butt” thrown in for extra spice…. I have completely given up and embraced the crazy. The cashier at Staples loves us “you just seem like a fun family” hahahaha! O.o

    • Eileen says:

      I tried to teach my children not to “be silly about good private things”, but they DO love to create embarrassment.

  70. Diana from Virginia says:

    Ohhhhh, it’s not often that I ‘actually’ laugh at the stuff I read. I laughed when I got to what you yelled after the pizza guy left. Hahahahahahah, that’s so awesome. Have a great day :-)

  71. Jill says:

    OMG, I’m dying here reading this. It brought back memories of my daughter when she was about two singing “boobies” at the top of her lungs while we were walking past the lingerie department in Kohls on a Super Saturday. Oh, yeah, she was also reaching out of the cart to grab all the bras. Proudest moment of my life – NOT!!!!

  72. Sheri says:

    Died laughing! So great.

  73. Meghan Misenti says:

    Hahaha!! Love this! My mom once ordered a Sesame Street bagel at a coffee shop!:)

  74. Jean Russell says:

    don’t know if I can type with so many tears in my eyes. I hurt from laughing so hard. I know I will have spontaneous moments of chuckling today which will make others wonder if I am crazy…yes I am after 4 kids and 4 grandkids I AM crazy..that’s why I relate to this story because I am there with you. This is REAL life !! I am so happy you are here to keep us all just a little on the sane side of life by letting us sound off together. ilOVEyOu!!

  75. Michelle says:

    That’s classic! Actually laughing out loud hilarious!

  76. That is ridiculously funny! I bet you got cool points from the boys for saying that, too. It’s like any body parts or bodily functions are hysterical.

  77. Ashley Eiban says:

    I’m just glad you didn’t sign your name on the receipt as Penis! ;)

  78. beth says:

    So glad I am not the only one with children who are obsessed with talking about genitals!

  79. Cindy says:

    I have girls so I can’t relate to the “penis” song but the cat bolting and steping on her part and turning and yelling after you shut the door so the outside person thinks your family is “normal” is soooo me. Then only to yell something quite off-color in the midst of trying to sound cool… classic! Well done. Loved the blush touch!

  80. Kristen says:

    We were visiting my mOther in VT last year and went to a small store down the road. There is a little museum type place next door that has thousands of rooster statues and pictures and so on. Well, dh made the mistake of calling them cocks in front of our then 3 year old. For 6 moths all he said in the most unopertune times was “cock!!! Cock!!”. Haha.

  81. Alesha says:

    LMFAO…..I am laughing so hard right now. I have 3 girls and a baby boy. My youngest girl learned the word penis from my friend’s son. It’s now her favorite word. When her brother was born, she proudly told the nurse “Look, he has a penis!” O_o

  82. Debbie says:

    We have a little girl and just found out we are having another little girl (21 weeks pregnant). I am very happy to be having a healthy baby but was a little disappointed not to be having a boy, however after laughing my butt off at this I think I might be glad to be having two girls!! :) LOL!!! (At least I don’t think vagina is as easy for kids to say!)

    • Robonanny says:

      I wouldn’t bet on it. I used to babysit for someone who related the tale of taking her 5 yo daughter grocery shopping with her when she was heavily pregnant. 5 yo announced at the top of her lungs at the end of an aisle (ie everyone can hear in at least three directions) “Mummy, you’re not having this baby ‘ginally, are you?” Mummy in question figured it couldn’t get much worse and answered in an equally loud voice “That’s right, Mummy is having a Caesarean section”…

  83. Linda F. says:

    I can’t!!! Too funny…I was laughing through the whole post. Poor pizza boy was traumatized. lol

  84. hrl says:

    Hahahah…I died laughing…Are little girls as obsessed with their genitalia when they get to that age? I have a little girl and I wonder what she’ll embarrass me with. =)

    • zelda says:

      Yes, you will get embarrassed eventually..! At a big family reunion when my youngest daughter was 3 – she said to her 3 year old girl cousin as they were coloring “it’s call a vagina” as loud and plain as the sky is blue. No one knew what their conversaion was about but everyone laughed at the funnyness of it!!! This may be a good reason to *not* teach them the proper word until they are–say like 5?!?!

  85. Rachel says:

    I don’t know what made me laugh more, the story or that last picture. Epic! Love it! (its a good thing I’m the only one here at work right now!)

  86. Julie says:

    Thank you for making me feel so normal! Your blog makes me realize that no matter what we do to raise our kids “right” they all have the same basic instincts and that’s ultimately what drives their behavior. I could have hugged you after recently reading the post about being ungrateful for gifts. That and the one about not telling them about great things to come 2 weeks off (when the grandparents announced the trip to Disney). BTW, when we do that, I create a countdown paper chain so he can rip a loop off every day and can count how many days until the big adventure.

    I’ve gotta share a story of my own . . . My then 3 year old son had heard me mentioning to a friend (he was across the room, I had no idea he could hear me much less was listening) that my bra didn’t fit right because of the pregnancy related changes I was undergoing. We stopped at Target a few days later and he bolted right for the sale rack of what he thought was bras (they were actually bikini tops) and announced loud enough for all the other sale shoppers to hear, “Hey mom, these are nice bras. You need a new bra, remember, yours don’t fit.” I just calmly said, “Thanks honey” and smiled at the chuckling shoppers.

    • Silverdragon says:

      Love it!! And thanks for the paper chain tip, Julie – I’ll have to try that one.

    • Rach says:

      I’ve also had a Target/bra mishap. When my son was not quite two I had him in the buggy and went into that particular section. He started grabbing all the bras he could reach off the racks and tossing them into the buggy, pausing only to point at my boobs with both hands and squeal “It’s fa ya mamas!” I had to hang the buggy out into the isle where he couldn’t reach any more to get them put back and there was this old lady just about killing herself laughing the whole time.

    • Judith says:

      the comments are making me laugh out loud just as much as the original cartoon. this one about the bras is priceless. and the comic made me remember when my friend and I were maybe 7 and 6, and being very silly and hyper at the dinner table. my mother meant to say,:settle down, girls, and at with your silverware!” but it came out “EAT WITH YOUR UNDERWEAR!” and we thought that really hilarious and went pointing our butts at our food plates as if eating with our underwear.

  87. Ness says:

    You make me laugh every single day. (Thank you!) Today you made me laugh so hard I cried! Then I had a coughing fit because I have a cold and hysterical laughter will do that to you. I’m still laughing now. And crying. I pretty much look like a mad woman.

  88. Thea says:

    In the middle of a large, formal family dinner a friend’s son loudly told her, in a sad way “momma, you don’t have a penis, you just have a bum.” He clearly felt this was something to mourn. :)

  89. Angela says:

    Not long ago I took my 2 year old son to Target, and we always have to stop to look at books. He saw ‘the Belly Button Book’ by Sandra Boynton and pointed out the hippo with a belly button on the cover. I said something about him having a belly button, too. To which he replied sadly, “no. I don’t.” Then he got a huge grin and yelled at the top of his lungs, “but I have a PENIS!!”

    And of course I had never seen the book aisles as crowded as they were that day.

  90. KD says:

    Laughed so hard, I cried!! I love your blog. Thanks for sharing. :)

  91. A.Vasic says:

    Please help spread the word about this important short film speaking about Men-Women inequality and street harassment to find contributors on Indiegogo.

    http://www.indiegogo.com/Turn-Around1?a=449527

    Thank you!!!

  92. Sara says:

    LOL! I could feel your anxiety as if it were happening to me! I hate those awkward exchanges as it is, let alone having a penis soundtrack accompany it. HIlarious! My son loves to talk about penis when there are strangers around – says things like “do you have a penis?” or “did God make my penis?” You know – not awkward at all…

  93. fpc89099 says:

    Hilarious!!!! Imagine how much fun the delivery boy had re-telling that story when he got back to the restaurant! Ha ha!

    • Jenny says:

      I know the pizza guy had a blast telling that story to anyone who would listen. I deliver pizzas and have kids that embarrass me with things that pop out of their mouths. I laughed so hard I cried and sobbed. I will now tell this story to anyone who will listen to me!
      Just the other day my 3 year old asked me, “Mom? Do you remember when your boobs had milk?”
      Awesome.

  94. katy says:

    i should not have read this while teaching. not only was i laughing uncontrollably, but then i couldn’t explain to my students why i was laughing so hard.

  95. Leyah B. says:

    well…… atleast it was just singing it could have been a song and dance, my boys have done that lots of times. LMBO,my hubby and I love your blog.

    • Sara says:

      a penis song and dance would be wonderful. I have a rogers and hammerstein visual in my head…

      • stacys says:

        Monty Python has a great penis song on their Meaning of Life movie…which my aunt got me when I was 12- not my mom’s favorite gift that Christmas, but I learned a lot of other names for the penis. I now find myself singing it during diaper changes with my 1yo son.

  96. Mary-Michael says:

    This made me laugh louder than I should at work. Thank you!

  97. Jocelyn says:

    my mom was taking care of a 6months old when our pizza guy arrived once. I was too young to realize how embarrassing it was, but she was in the middle of changing him when the door bell rang. She took a naked baby boy to the door to grab the pizza and pay the guy, and as soon as she got the door open (baby in one hand, money in the other) He peed. Yup. Everywhere.

  98. crystal says:

    OMG…best story EVER! I am dying!! Ha ha!

  99. ErynBob says:

    I wouldn’t worry too much about the pizza guy. I have a friend who delivered penises..I mean pizzas..and though you were embarrassed, at least you were clothed. Pizza guys see some crazy stuff out there!

  100. Jo says:

    Oh, god, the chest pain! My kids are going to love this SO much :)

  101. Anna says:

    LMFAO!!!! Oh my god, too funny. Hahahahahahha

  102. Heather says:

    My kids like to run around in their underwear in the house (ages 3 & 5) and no matter how many times I tell them to stay in their rooms while I answer the door…. it never fails that they come running up to the door in their undies :O So now I have to get them dressed just for pizza delivery.

    I didn’t catch if this was asked already… but are you *sure* crappy papa was actually shushing them??? Or do you think he was egging them on a little ;) I think my husband would have been encouraging the Penis song lol.

  103. Loretta says:

    I could totally see this happening at my house … including the stepping on the cat so he doesn’t run out the door and jump in the pizza guy’s car to hitch a ride.

    Embrace the crazy ~ it is good!

  104. kerin says:

    But now you can TOTALLY look forward to the day when you can humiliate the crappy children by chanting “Penis!!” or “Vagina!” (whatever the situation calls for) at an opportune moment.

  105. Korinne Christner says:

    I have 3 little boys (7, 8, and 9 years old) and I can totally picture this happening at my house. This made my day, and I am crying from laughing so hard. These stories are always hysterical!

  106. Jen says:

    Hahahaha holy crap is that funny! I have no penises in our household, but did that ever make me laugh! And stepping on the crappy cat….I’ve done the same hahaha

  107. Melisa says:

    HAHAHA! Hilarious, love it, and you know the pizza man heard it too!

  108. Libby says:

    Omg so funny! One time at my 2.5 yr olds preschool class I was changing his diaper and a little girl ran up and yelled, “Ethan has a HUGE vagina!” I was dying of laughter. These posts make my day!

  109. Jannette says:

    your best yet!! I have tears of laughter :)

  110. Sara says:

    So funny… and true! Reminds me of when my daughter was 2 or 3 and went through a phase (yes, repeatedly for a while, not just an instance) where she loudly sang “Jesus, what a penis coming, hallelujah!” She sang it at home, at swimming class, at church, everywhere. I was horrified! And could not figure out where she had picked up this little ditty. Eventually we realized it was how she was hearing, “Jesus, Prince of Peace is coming, hallelujah!”

  111. Emily M. says:

    Hilarious as always!

    However, what baffles me is why on earth you would bathe the children *before* eating pizza. Wouldn’t you then just have to bathe them again after dinner?

  112. Camille says:

    You make me laugh every time I read one of your posts!! I love it! You make my day! Thanks!

  113. In our dining room we have what my kids have called the ‘vagina cabinet.’ That would go well with your pizza.

  114. clbayer says:

    Awesome. I bet the penis, ahem, pizza guy was even more embarrassed!

  115. Esther says:

    This is hilarious

  116. Casey says:

    Absolutely hilarious! Thanks to Tamára Lunardo for pointing me in this direction on Twitter. Great post.

    Best wishes to you and your family,

    Casey

  117. Dana says:

    Just think that when they have their own kids, they will be subject to such humiliation as yourself!

  118. JenW says:

    This. Was. Awesome.
    Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had all week!

  119. bendable says:

    This entire post was hilarious, but my favorite part is that you usually make your husband answer the door to handle the “human interactions”. It’s become a running joke at our house, and I feel better knowing that someone else does this.

  120. Sarah Maizes says:

    I’ll have what your having. Wait. Is that inappropriate?

  121. Stephanie says:

    Note to self – never read your posts while at work. I laugh so hard that people inevitably peek into my office to see if I have finally, truly lost it. I had tears in my eyes today. Your posts are always so spot on!!
    My 4 year old has a penis song too and he shouts it!

    Stephanie

  122. Dawn says:

    I will be laughing for DAYS!!! I have 3 boys and one girl…. I so know this so well!!

  123. Rainyday says:

    *snort* This is awesome. So happy this crap doesn’t happen just to me! Is is comic genius when it’s not your own life, though.

  124. Melody says:

    I’m just curious– how soon after this did you think to yourself, “Well, at least it will make an entertaining blog post.”
    :)

  125. Joanna says:

    Now I know how people feel when they hear our “Daddy has a uterus!” story. We’re still a touch mortified by it and think it’s a little bit funny but wow, other people laugh until they cry when they hear it.
    Thank you for making my day.

  126. Victoria says:

    I am doing a weird maneuver to be able to roll around on the floor laughing and not wake up the sleeping toddler… THIS is why I love your blog so much and why I look forward to new posts from it more than any other that I follow. Will you ever order penis, I mean pizza, again?

  127. Jaimie B says:

    Oh crap. I laughed so hard that a) I peed myself (don’t judge, I’m 8 months pregnant) and b) you can tell that I used to smoke. “This embarrassing moment is brought to you by: Crappy Pictures Blog.”

  128. This is hilarious! I’m wiping away tears. Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had in days.

  129. Rebecca W says:

    You consistently make me laugh so hard that my kids start laughing! Keep it up!

  130. Allie says:

    Tears streaming down my face I am laughing so hard! In fact, you had me giggling from “Penis Pizza”

  131. Maria Smith says:

    Oh my gosh!!! This had my husband and I in hysterics!!!!! Soooo funny-every single thing about it-you are a comedic genius! I love your blog!

  132. Erica says:

    The best parts are (a) the blushing pink on your face, and (b) the particular quality of the cat’s eyes, which were drawn to show that the cat wasn’t alarmed by the foot on its back, simply resigned to its presence.

  133. Joyce says:

    At least your kids were in the tub and only yelling penis. My kid answers the door stark naked when the pizza man delivers. My husband will try and get our son to go into the other room, but that doesn’t work and he just starts freking out about the pizza while practically standing on the porch.

  134. Lindsay J says:

    I want to send this link to your pizza man…..where did you order from??

  135. Shannon says:

    Ohhh you have to find a way for the pizza guy to read this!! Hilarious, as usual :)

  136. Kelly says:

    You should have just thrust some maracas into his hand and asked if he wanted to join in with ‘music time’! You wouldn’t have looked anywhere near as crazy as you ended up looking ;)

  137. Mishka says:

    Haha!! LMAO!! My daughter had warts on her foot recently and on her first time to the pool after the diagnosis she was loudly and proudly singing a wart song! I didn’t know which way to look :-S

  138. Nicole says:

    I see that “This entry was posted in anxiety, crappy pictures, food, life.” You need a tag for “hilarious”!

  139. Gabrielle says:

    I got a new little brother when I was 2 and a half, and had a really hard time learning to properly pronounce that unique anatomy, his “peanut.” Until one day at the grocery store, when I carefully broadcast the request, “Can we get some PENIS butter, Mommy?”

  140. Lauren says:

    I’m crying so hard I can’t stop! I had to get through that whole thing without laughing out loud, because toddler is sleeping, and it’s led to an unreasonable level of tears and snarling silently. That made my day!

  141. Mama_Twinkie says:

    My almost 3 yr old girl learned about “penises” at daycare. The other day, while on the potty, she matter-of-factly informed me that “boys have a penis…*I don’t have a penis (pause)…I HAVE CARROTS!” I think she thinks penis = peanuts. :)

  142. Elisha G says:

    I totally thought you were gonna sign penis when you were figuring out the tip!!!! Would have been SSSOOOO much worse if you had ;)

  143. naomi says:

    Since I have a husband who delivers piazza and has kids of his own I can reassure you that he’s seen and heard much weirder things when working. :-)

  144. Mandy P says:

    Humor fix for the day: done! That was too awesome! I would love to be a fly on the wall in your house!

  145. Meera says:

    That story made my day!!!!

  146. Kerrye says:

    How much I love giveaways: [ ]
    How much I love this: [ ]

    • Kerrye says:

      Ok that didn’t work how I intended… the second box was supposed to be HUGE… (comments with really crappy pictures….)

  147. Jen says:

    Seriously… how can so many hilarious things happen to one person :) I’m sure it will come when my girls are older!!!!

  148. Lynn says:

    After a bad day this has me smiling :) I knew just from the title that this was going to be a good one!

  149. Heather says:

    Laughing so hard at this post. What is it with boys and yelling penis this, penis that? My boys (5 and 3) do this too. Thankfully, I’ve never yelled out while someone else was there though…. :-D

  150. Jen says:

    I actually have tears running down my face I’m laughing so hard. hahahahah!!!

  151. Kat says:

    OMG That made me laugh! Lol great start to my day :)

  152. Cassandra says:

    I don’t usually laugh out loud…even when things are really funny but for some reason that caught me off guard. I laughed so hard my son (11 months) started laughing cause anything we think is funny is hilarious to him for no reason. And my husband is a little squeamish when it comes to body parts…so, I think I’m just going to have to read this one to him. He needs to know what the future might hold. :)

  153. Courtney says:

    Oh my god, you kill me!! Hahaha penis…

  154. Jodie says:

    Don’t worry – my four year old son had a shower with me this morning and he was trying to catch water as it ran off my body. Then he said – look mummy – I am milking your willy! (I think penis would have made him sound more mature).

  155. Tanya says:

    Bwahahahahahaha.

    Awesome!!!

  156. Ben says:

    I am dying over here, my stomach is hurting (and I am all red). You have to put a warning on these things, I could burst my gut sitting here in my office. Not to mention what people say when they walk by “hey I noticed Ben laughing histerically by himself in his office today, the guy is totally losing it”. And the more people stare the worse it gets… Another time I lost my coffee through the nose.

  157. Lisa says:

    The best. one. yet!

  158. Robin Guyette says:

    FUNNIEST POST EVER! I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. My 4 year old daughter kept asking me “what’s so funny Mama??” I said “I’m just reading a funny story that somebody wrote. Hey, you want some ice cream???!”

  159. Nancy M says:

    I laughed so hard at your Penis Pizza and was reminded of our own “incidents”. My hubby and both work in healthcare fields so have always used correct body terminology with our 3 kids. We even had a children’s anatomy book for them. Two classics came from these circumstances…
    1. We had invited 2 other couples for dinner along with their kids all age 5 and under. My two oldest started with the sibling squabbles and as they raced each other down the stairs to tattle my 5 yo son screamed at his 3 yo sister, “If you don’t stop I’m gonna kick you in the VULVA!” Pink cheeked (but laughing to myself) I quickly scrambled to find the anatomy book and offer a hasty explanation to our mortified guests. Thankfully it worked… they’re still our friends.
    2. At age 3 our youngest had been playing at the park with Daddy. Walking home up the hill he dropped to the sidewalk flat on his back and didn’t move. When my husband asked what was wrong he whined, “I can’t go any farther, my scrotum is too tired!”

    These “Penis Incidents” make fabulous stories when they are older :)

  160. Brittani C. says:

    Good Grief. I have 2 boys & I hope this NEVER happens. Thanks for the laugh, I really needed that!

  161. Lauren says:

    Maybe u should wait till their first dates and stand in the kitchen and yell “penis penis penis” lol

  162. Kate says:

    I laughed so hard, tears *almost* ran down my leg. ;-)

  163. Amanda Reed says:

    tears… tears and laughter!!!!!!!!!! Best.CP.EVER…. epic. At my house, we call these times when my brain and mouth do not connect “mommy-isms”. I tend to swap words from different parts of the sentence, but it gets worse sometimes. Like yesterday, the word I was reading said ‘fluttering’, I was thinking “flickering” and I said “fluckering”. That was almost really bad.

  164. Amanda says:

    That is awesome. What is it with boys and their penises?

  165. Dannielle says:

    I soooo thought you were going to accidentally write penis on the tip portion of the receipt! Thanks so much for my daily snort!

  166. emily g says:

    Yup. Pizza guy is now totally reassured this is a normal house.
    I can not stop laughing. Seriouslycannotstop.

  167. Kimberly says:

    oh I’m going to pee myself laughing!

  168. Leah says:

    HAHAHAHA! OMG I laughed so hard it hurt, hahaha! On a penis related note; my 3 sons are the only boys in our whole family. Family gatherings are a frenzy of little girls and our 3 boys…anyways, as my 4 year old is sitting on the toilet not too long ago he says, very wisely, “mom, girls can’t pee” “oh really, why’s that?” I asked “yeah, they can’t pee, they don’t have a penis!” …took quite an effort not to laugh at that one. lol

  169. Shelley P. says:

    LOLOLOLOLOL. Haha, that is AWESOME.

  170. Kim says:

    Where’s the damn “I’m laughing so hard I peed LOVE IT!” button?

  171. Nancy C says:

    Holy smokes, I’m crying, that’s so funny! OK- quick story- My friends son was singing a song to annoy his sister about being able to see her “penis”. She fired back “I don’t have a penis!” Cameron responded, “OK, your “china” whatever!” We almost fell over.

  172. Beverley M says:

    I’m so, so glad I have girls :)

    Next time, rather than being embarrassed, just roll your eyes and/or shake your head and say “Boys!” and it will all become better :)

  173. Donna says:

    It’s funny because it’s so true! I have 3 boys and they always know when to yell the inappropriate potty words. Glad it’s not just me

  174. Tiff says:

    Must.. Not.. Laugh in the awkwardly silent moment in class. Rofl

  175. Naomi says:

    OMG tearies. Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha.

  176. Schaun Wolf says:

    I used to nanny these two little boys who were 3 and 6. Their favorite thing was to chase me around their house yelling “penis enis!” Because it rhymes and all. Their mom actually told them not to sing the “penis enis” song when the nanny (me) was there, but to save it for her. lol Too funny. I loved this one. You made me laugh so hard I choked on my chip!

  177. Jennifer Sawyer says:

    That was so freakin funny I do believe I just peed myself.

  178. Cassandra says:

    HILARIOUS! You made my day lol and made me once again thankful for my girls. haha! Penis pizza = priceless.

  179. Murphy says:

    I just laughed so hard that I cried and ruined my eye makeup and I am on my way to a Home ans School Club meeting. I don’t know if I’ll be able to explain why I look like a raccoon!
    At the park, when my 4yo girl goes up on the bars, she yells, “It’s okay if my dress comes up! I have on SHORTS, so my VULVA’s not showing!!”

  180. JeniferR says:

    You know, I giggled all the way through… And the. laughed hysterically at the end. Why? Not just because it was a funny story but because I am forever putting the wrong word in the wrong place!!

  181. BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I think I start all my comments that way…but you’re just so funny and the craziest things happen to you, I love it! I try to step on my basset hound when the pizza arrives, doesn’t work so well…

  182. Sally says:

    This is so stinkin hillarious! And now my boys just now asked me what I was laughing at and I dared not tell them. This reminds me too much of something that would happen over here, especially if they had the idea. lol Thanks for the good laughs!

  183. Aileen says:

    This post is amazing. I am sure the pizza man had a great chuckle once he got into his car.

  184. Karenelle says:

    Thankyou! I so needed this today! We’ve had an ultra crappy morning and I needed to laugh until I couldn’t breathe and was crying so much :) My crappy toddler is obsessed with penises, vagina’s & boobies. And it was totally not at all embarrassing when he tells his great grandmother she has a vagina when we visited recently… she had crappy flushed cheeks also :)

  185. grace h says:

    face palm

  186. MillerMom says:

    I am still laughing over this cartoon. Reminds me of the time my then 3 year old daughter, who had just discovered that boys and girls are “different”, ask an older gentleman in the grocery store if he had a penis. I almost choked! Luckily he was “much older” and didn’t hear her correctly!!!

  187. Cheryl P. says:

    I have a somewhat similar story of when I was little. I happen to walk in the bathroom as my dad was getting out of the tub after taking a shower. The timing couldn’t have been timed any better. Being the curious child I was, I immediately pointed and asked, “What’s that?” My parents always explained things to me by using proper names for things. This was no exception. My dad said that it was a penis. He then went on to explain that he used it to go to the bathroom. I was still concentrating on the word he used to call the part of the anatomy that I did not have. What he said didn’t make sense, to me at that moment. So, as soon as he was finished explaining what a penis was I put my hands on my hips and looked right at him and said, “Daddy, that’s not a pizza.” My father smiled, and tried not to laugh, as he told me to leave the bathroom and closed the door behind me.

    My mom still tells that story to this day (I’m 35 years old).

    I found your story to be hilarious and yet, reminiscent. :)

  188. Joeymom says:

    That could TOTALLY be our house. Only we have TWO cats.

  189. Rachel says:

    I love the last line…and I was laugh-crying too. thanks! : )

  190. Erin says:

    Mom here with two boys, ages 4 and 8. Bravo, Bravo to you. This made my night…and the fact it hasn’t happened in this house yet amazes me. ;)

  191. liz says:

    Think this is your funniest post ever!

  192. Jenn says:

    Oh yes you did!!! That’s amazing! And laugh out loud funny!

  193. Laura says:

    Thanks for making me crack up! Even my kids were laughing. It’s nice to see that we’re not alone in raising kids and their funny antics!

  194. Tina says:

    Love it!!

  195. Annie says:

    Wow, this is way worse than the time we were in Best Buy, surrounded by people, and my son loudly proclaimed, “Mommy, you farted!” (ok, so I did, just a little, but gosh boy, I was trying to keep it on the DL)

  196. You had me at “balancing on the cat”, then you really brought it home. Thanks for the laughs.

  197. Heather says:

    Both my husband and I are crying we are laughing so hard! Thank you for sharing this.

  198. Lisa says:

    They’ve succeeded at infiltrating your brain ;)

  199. elin says:

    wow, this one had me cracking up! this is very funny stuff!

  200. Maggie says:

    OH MY GOSH!!! That is the best story EVER!!!! I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. Thank you!

  201. Emily says:

    This is the funniest one yet.

  202. Nicole says:

    You are hilarious! Great story….was LMFAO! (my husband couldn’t figure out was so funny).

  203. ROFL – I had mine in the tub whilebwaiting for the pizza guy tonight, luckily he can’t really talk or at least we can barely understand him. :)

  204. Wendy says:

    I bet you will be ordering chinese from now on!!! Thats hilarious!!!
    I was a nanny to a 1 yo in London and as we were on the train going past Big Ben he yelled out “Look – Big COCK” – So he couldn’t quite pronounce his ‘L’s yet, but made everyone on the train look at something they probably just see as part of the scenery!!! :-)

  205. melanie says:

    As a mother of 4 boys I can totally appreciate this. I’m laughing out loud. That’s a feat for me. :) Awesome story. You should frame it.

  206. Angela B. says:

    Laughing so hard I nearly peed myself! SO. DAMN. FUNNY!

  207. Leez says:

    This is hilarious!! I’ve been a silent reader all this time, but this post just crack me to pieces and I just have to give a comment on this. Way too funny!! Thank you for making my day!

  208. Sasha says:

    I normally chuckle at your posts but that one had me laughing all morning.

  209. Amy says:

    Laughing. So. Hard!!!

  210. julie says:

    That is completely made up, right???

  211. Angie says:

    I’m dying with laughter over here and trying not to wake up the sleeping baby!

  212. Greg says:

    Too funny!! You’ve inspired me and I created my own crappy picture on my latest blog post!

  213. Raizy says:

    I can’t stop laughing! The cat part is the best. Ha!

  214. Randa says:

    Lol my 4 year old daughter felt the need to educate my 2yr old niece on how girls have vagina’s and boys have penises in the check out line at the store. She was not quiet about it and my niece had to repeat everything just as loudly lol

  215. Helen Neale says:

    That is the FIRST blog poast that made me laugh out loud in front of my PC. Thank god I work at home, alone; except for my cats of course.

  216. pia says:

    peed. thanks – now what will i wear today??????

  217. Mayor Gia says:

    Hahahahhah whoops. These things happen.

  218. Ellen says:

    Thanks, you made my day and it’s only 7:50am. LOL!!!

  219. Stephanie G. says:

    Awesome! My now 2 1/2 year old has been talking for-ever…..we love pizza in our house, and go to the local pizza buffet at least 1-2 times a month. For MANY months our son pronounced pizza by saying “pussy”. So, we’d be on our way in the door of the pizza place & he’d be yelling, “I LOVE PUSSY!!” over and over and over again. Yep. My husband banned pizza outings for a while. :/ Now he pronounces it “pizz-ia” which is just stinking adorable. I say, they’re only little once & its these memories that we’ll hold on to when they are away at college, getting married, and having families of their own and no time to come home and be your baby anymore.

  220. Sarah says:

    Amber, your stories make me really laugh out loud! Like, at my computer screen, loud enough for the neighbors-who-know-no-one-else-is-here-right-now to hear. Thanks for making the world better!

  221. When my youngest was around 2, she was exploring gender, and asked everyone that came to our house, male and female, “Do you have a penis?” Most embarrassing was when she asked my uncle during a family dinner!

    During this same time period, we were sitting in shul, in the first row, spitting distance from the Rabbi, during Rosh Hashannah, one of the holiest days of the year, she was on my mother’s lap, facing my mom and says and in a not too quiet voice “I see Grandma’s boobies!” To which my father laughed so hard, he snorted in the middle of the service. My mother was mortified and yelled at me “Get her out of here!” I still crack up about this!

  222. oh MY G!!! Hysterical … and that this happened?!? Now, that takes the cake — er, I mean, PENIS!! :D I really, really needed to laugh this morning, so thank you! I will share on my fan page, so the joy of embarrassment will be spread!

  223. Elizabeth says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG That was hysterical!

  224. EmpressMomma says:

    LMBO! One of my favorites ever. I have nephews who are 4 and 6 and just finished (I hope) having a massive nudist streak. My 6 year old daughter now, thinks penis is the funniest word in the world and tries to use it at every opportunity. “Allie! Come here!” “Did you say ‘penis’?” “What did I even say that SOUNDS like ‘penis’?” “Nothing… PENIS!! Hahahahaha!!” Oh kids.

  225. Patty Kasiewicz says:

    Now that was just too funny . Bwaa hahahaha.
    You crack me up.!!!LOL !!!

  226. You know what? I read all your posts and I laugh my ass off every time (I wish that were literal), but then you get so many awesome, funny comments by the time I get here that I think, “Oh well, she doesn’t need one more person telling her they LedOL.” But today I thought, that’s a sucky thing to think. If I ever got 288 comments, I think I’d still be okay with #289 saying I was piss-your-pants funny, too. So there you go – you make me pee. Aren’t you sorry I don’t comment more often?

  227. Toya says:

    Rotfl!! Classic

  228. Blake says:

    Laughed out loud for reals. I would totally do something like that, and so would my children have done when they were littler. Good news: eventually they outgrow it and are themselves embarrassed by “bathroom words” and you can get revenge by saying such words (quietly) in public places.

  229. Jess says:

    Just laughed till I cried at work.
    Thanks! :)

  230. tina says:

    I once was trying to explain to a table full of dignified women how wonderful Friendly’s restaurant’s Reeses Pieces sundae was. And I blurted out they have the best “Reeses Penis Sundae you ever tasted.” They looked at me in disbelief for a moment and then the Pastor’s wife came to my rescue, by stating she one told a table full of parishioners how she wanted to play with an octopus’s tentacles, but It came out “testicles.” Needless to say everyone laughed
    & I was redeemed.

  231. Teresa says:

    This was great!

  232. Angie L. says:

    Laughed out loud!!!

  233. Irini says:

    Oh how much I loved this!

  234. Sara Frankel says:

    This is so funny! I cried laughing!

  235. Brenda L.W. says:

    Ha, I snorted all over the screen! That is so hilarious :)
    My dd is now 25, but when she was little, and the pizza guy came she’d yell ” Pener Piper Pizza is here”. Her oldest brother encouraged her. Btw, it was always Domino’s.
    I just love kids.

  236. OMG this made me laugh!!!!! I’m new to your blog, and I LOVE everything about it!

  237. Catherine says:

    Reading this this morning emboldened me to post about a similar, possibly even more horrifying experience. Here the word in question was VAGINA, and the location was out in public, and there was an implication that oral sex is an everyday event at our home. Seriously. It MAY just top the pizza-penis situation. But I’ll let you be the judge. THanks for posting. Made my morning. Don’t you love boys??
    http://www.fineyoungfauves.com/?p=441

  238. Hilarious! I thought there would never be a pizza I wouldn’t eat…but, you discovered one. No penis pizza for me, thank you. Another spectacular post.

  239. Amy Rosenberg says:

    I thought you were going to say you accidentally tipped him $50 or something. Or by the title, I thought it would be about an opportunity you found to educate the pizza guy about keeping babies intact.

  240. Kim says:

    This is the biggest I’ve smiled today!!!

  241. This is what blogs are for – this was one of the best stories yet!

  242. Woolies says:

    ROFL. Hysterical. 20 years from now your family will embarass you at some event by recalling the penis pizza story.
    So freaking funny I might even make my husband, who I’m barely speaking to, read this.

  243. Julie says:

    This is so funny!!! I laughed until I cried, and I’m still spontaneously giggling!

  244. LeahM says:

    Love it! LMAO! I think there is little to be done in situations like that where it is probably a pizza delivery kid who has no understanding of what it’s like to be a parent. For older people who are listening/watching my kids do embarrassing things, I say such things as, “I have kids,” very matter-of-factly, wrinkling my brow. Stating the obvious, I know. But I think that’s the point. Only other people who’ve had kids Get it.

  245. LolaT says:

    Oh, my God! That really made me laugh heartily! Thank you. And also, I feel like we must be living in a parallel universe.

  246. Parker says:

    My wife woke my up this morning with all her laughing (she was reading in bed on the ipad at 7am). I groggily asked what she was laughing at and she said “hehe, PENIS, hehehe”. I was offended for a second, (its not nice to wake a man up by laughing at his penis) but then I remembered your latest post and had to laugh too. Keep up the good work.

  247. Rachael says:

    I always love your blog, but this one is the funniest yet! Made me laugh lots.

  248. Clare says:

    When my oldest was 2, he started calling the UPS truck the “U-penis” truck. The first time he did it I laughed so hard I snorted…so he made sure to say it like that EVERY time for more than a year. Gotta learn to hide the laughter early.

  249. Brandi says:

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!! That shit is hilarious!

  250. heather says:

    Ah, you made me laugh, which was not a nice thing to do because I’m recovering from a C-section.

    Why do you have to be so funny?

    ouch.

  251. Michele says:

    I know I’m a bit late to the party, but I totally sent this to my husband and we’ve been singing the penis song at each other since the day it was posted! Just goes to show ya, folks… it never stops being funny. ;-) Also, I just had to share this similarly hysterical King of the Hill moment.

  252. SF says:

    My sister and I apparently used to sing a penis-themed song in public, I have no recollection of this but can imagine my parents’ delight.
    I don’t have kids but spend a lot of time with relatives who are around the same age as your boys and can definitely relate to your posts, I love this blog, keep up the good work! A book of Crappy Pictures would be brilliant.

  253. Melanie says:

    Wow! I nearly wet myself I was laughing so hard!! Keep the stories coming!!

  254. Jessica says:

    Oh my gosh I just died laughing!

  255. Anni Watkins says:

    The cat can’t go outside? Someone has a cat that hasn’t been outside for 17 years? Um.

  256. mrsmouthy says:

    I bet you totally signed your name “Penis,” too. So now you have that to think about…

  257. Kim says:

    OH. MY. GOD!!!!!! I literally cracked up, lmfao from beginning to end. This is absolutely hilarious! My sons (4.5yo and 22mo) love their penises, too, and have been known to sing (or maybe rap) about them, as well. This post has given me my ab workout for the day. Thank you very much :)

  258. Jennifer says:

    OMG best way ever to start my day! thanks for the laugh!

  259. elen says:

    Soooo funny! i could just imagine it. My son shouted loudly at the park today nipples and bits, over and over and over…….. Oh well at least we were left in peace.

  260. melissa says:

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  261. kimberlee says:

    As I was reading this my daughter was repeatedly asking me, which shortly turned into reminding me, to get her a hot dog. When I finished I caught myself almost say out loud, “OK, I’ll get your penis.” yikes!

  262. Stacy's Husband says:

    I can’t wait until the next time I have tub duty.

    LOL…

  263. Sarah Jane says:

    OMG! I’m dying in fits of laughter!! Laughing so hard I’m crying!!! Oh no you poor thing that is totally something I would do too! HAHAHA!!! You crack me up!! I needed that! Thanx!

  264. nikki says:

    OMG…ROFLMAO…:))

  265. That is absolutely lovely as well as hilarious. Gave me quite a chuckle and smile! :) Awesome!
    Totally normal by the way.

  266. elizabeth says:

    PENIS! PENIS! looool loved this!

  267. patti says:

    I just read this (and others) to my kids. Now they are laughing hysterically and saying “penis, penis!”. yup, good times. :)

  268. Heather says:

    I am seriously crying over here. Hysterical.

  269. Melissa says:

    I’m repeating everything that people have said..but this is fantastic. I’m so sorry for you embarrassment, but those of us with children have all been there. Thank you for your honesty and it was good to laugh today, I needed more than anything in the world currently.

  270. Kate says:

    I can’t believe nobody has pointed out the obvious “How much tip to give” joke!! Dying here!

  271. Ninja, says:

    Pokka. Penis Meins Lund,,, Lund Is very Usefull Item.. ;-)

  272. Cat says:

    I just stumbled onto your site a few days ago. I have loved all of your posts, but this one made me laugh so hard I cried. I NEVER do this. EVER.

    Thank you :)

  273. shannon larosh says:

    I’m 39 weeks pregnant with my 2nd one (a boy this time) and this post made me cry I was laughing so hard. I needed that, at this point nothing makes me laugh! God I can’t wait for this boy to come out and start making life “interesting” that way. Penis pizza for everyone!

  274. ape says:

    I would utterly thrash my kids if they did this. I would mutilate their stupid little faces and rip open their throat and pull out their tongue so they can never say penis again. Then I would cut off their penises and shove them down their throats just for my own amusement.

  275. Jennie says:

    Peeing my pants over here! Love the penis pizza story!

  276. Oh my goodness! Hilarious! Can totally relate to that!

  277. Megan says:

    I have to stop reading this stuff at work. I was trying so hard to suppress laughter that I kept having to pretend to have coughing fits….you’re making me look bad!

  278. Veronica says:

    Oh my god! I too am laughing so hard I am crying! Thank you!!!

  279. KJ says:

    Laughed.out.loud. LOVE this.

  280. Moddy says:

    I literally laughed until I cried. You had me at “I toss it down onto the floor. Uh oh, that probably looked weird.” That is totally, 100% something I would do, make things even more awkward by trying to get out of the situation quicker. Bookmarking your blog after reading this one.

  281. Andrea says:

    Seriously. One of the funniest. Things I have read. Ever.

  282. Anjana says:

    Oh gosh,
    I laughed so hard reading your stories. I was directed through Worlds best father’s facebook post today. I dont have kids of my own but I waiver between having them (the miracle of childbirth), and not having any (it seems like I have to be the one doing most of the work with the kids, and I hate public toilets, avoid them by drinking less water cant do that to the kids!), not I have decidedly put off kids for a little while longer. Maybe as long as I can, till I cant anymore!
    Thanks for the funny insights on what to expect. if my baby gives me a ‘gift’ I am going to ask him/her what it is before putting my hand out. LOL

  283. Tears streaming down my face! You have made my night. Thank you. Off to share….

  284. Marissa says:

    I was having one of the worst days until I read this and almost busted a gut laughing. Most definitely had tears streaming down my face. Thank you for sharing your stories. Hats off to you!

  285. Andi says:

    A couple of months ago my son (2 and a half at the time) and I were having supper and I mentioned to him that I bought some new bubble bath. Well he was ecstatic with this news and proceeded to undress himself. I told him he had to finish eating his supper before having a bath so he jumped up on my knee (now naked) and asked me to feed him. Okay, fine. But he kept YANKING on his penis. As he was doing this I was trying to get him to eat his tofu. I said to him, “Come on, Bubby. Hurry up and eat your penis”. Woopsies…I swear I had tears streaming down my face for minutes I was laughing at myself so hard! Of course, he said, “No! Mummy, not my penis”. ;)

  286. Jenny says:

    We call our cat all sorts of pet names, one of which is Pussy Cat. Unfortunately the two youngest kids have shortened it to just Pussy. The shocked looks of visitors to our home is priceless.

  287. Angela Medina says:

    OMG! You’re hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing. I’ve experienced similar ordeals. This is why I rarely answer the door…or the phone.

  288. KP says:

    This reminded me of a time . . . when my daughter and I were waiting in line at the drive-through window at Jack in the Box, and I wanted the drink that goes by various names: Dr. Pepper (Pepsi/7-Up company), Dr. Becker (Blue Sky), Dr. Skipper (Safeway), etc., and as I drove up to the speaker, I ordered a “Large Dr. Pecker!” Worst part was I was stuck in line and had to move forward where I was greeted by a couple of snickering teenaged workers!

  289. Chris says:

    This is a kneeslapper! ^^ I love your illustrations and stories. ^^

  290. Catharina says:

    The picture of you stepping on the cat tipped me over the edge: crying from laughter.

    Greetings from Amsterdam

  291. Shayla says:

    OMG, this is so true, and SOOOOO funny. This could be our house (as could most of your posts… my boys are almost the same ages as yours). Thank you for this morning laugh!

  292. amanda says:

    omg!! omg!! i could not stop laughing there is juice all over my monitor and keyboard i spit it out…the Penis is here…lmao!!

  293. With Two Toddlers says:

    Wishing I could laugh harder but I have a toddler napping in my arms. You always make me smile, and your book is being released ON my birthday – thanks so much for the brief laughter to get me through each day :)

  294. FarmWife says:

    This has got to be the funniest thing I’ve ever read! Boys are nasty creatures. I can attest to that. I have 2 of my own. 3 if you include their father (which I often do).

    But they’re right. Penis is kind of a funny word.

  295. kathy says:

    Too funny !~

  296. kathy Gooden says:

    Too funny!~

  297. Cari says:

    After having 2 children, I am not certain I should read this blog anymore. My 2 yr old is laying on my lap and I fear I nearly wet myself from laughing so hard. The 5 yr old on the couch w/ the stomach flu, that hasn’t moved all day? Yeah, she sat up for the first time in ~8 hrs to ask why I was laughing. Must. run. to. restroom.

  298. chloe says:

    OMG! OMG! THIS IS SOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!! ever since my mom showed me this i have been laughing!!!!!!!!

  299. Tears sprung into my eyes it was so good. XD Still grinning.

  300. Winny says:

    Amber, this is definitely one of the favourites I keep revisiting. Just wondering now, does the pizza guy ever delivered to your place again? XD

  301. Danielle Lyons says:

    I love this story! You and your kiddies are hilarious!

  302. Lisa says:

    After naming this blog post/story my “favorite” in your book giveaway contest, I had to come back and read it again. Laughed just as hard as I did the first time I read it!!!!

  303. Rebecca says:

    Wonder if the pizza guy did the same when he was that age. Or your husband.

  304. Rebecca says:

    I’m single and therefore don’t havemy own family, but I am an Infant/Toddler Caregiver and therefore totally understand.

  305. Possum says:

    Omg I’m laughing so hard I’m crying…
    it was the throwing the pizza on the floor and stepping on the cat that pushed me over the edge…

  306. gladys says:

    So, what we all want to know, WAS THE PENIS THERE OR NOT SWEETHEART!?!?!?!

  307. Lucy says:

    I am WEEPING with laughter. I haven’t laughed this hard in years. You are a genius.

  308. Leah says:

    For some reason this story reminded me of a penis story I have if you want to call it that. My children are grown…22 & 23 (eight months apart) Anyway when they were little kids (around 4) we had moved into a new house and in moving had decided to give the kids our bedroom dresser and night stands. Their father and I were young and had a “treasure chest” if you know what I mean. Anyway, we had also decided to sell some furniture and there was an older couple at our home picking up a piece they bought. I shooed my kids in their room to play and get out of our hair for a little while. Well any adults that have their own “treasure chest” realize that sometimes things don’t get put back where they belong sometimes…sometimes they get put in drawers…in night stand drawers…in night stand drawers that you have passed on to your little kids cause you want new ones. Long story short…our visitors were AT the door almost out the door even. The kids were just wooping and hollering and having the most fun I had heard them have in days…since we moved. I was thinking…Oh I’m so glad they love their new home and are settling in good…and about that time my daughter comes running down the hall and is LHBO and my son is chasing her. I look up and they are sword fighting! With what??? YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT! A pink one and a purple one no less. I WAS MORTIFIED…couldn’t move at first I literally felt like paralyzed pond scum. Then quick as a flash I jump up run to the kids swipe their “swords” away from them and of all things I go sit down on them…just to hide them, get them out of sight. Out of sight out of mind…right? I’m praying this sweet older couples eyes have not been seered by what they saw. I’m sitting there smiling just begging my husband to shut-up in my mind and let these poor people GO already. Finally they leave and I get up with the “penises” one in each hand and walk straight to the trash and throw them both away. He’s like wth and so then I get to tell him my story after “HIS” new friends leave. He had no words when I finished but he didn’t go fish those things out of the trash either. It is funny now but almost 20 years ago…it was a tragedy lol

  309. MeowMeow says:

    More negative cat remarks.

    Your cute parenting stories are lost on me because I’m so appalled at how badly you treat your cats.

  310. Social Lady says:

    I almost spit my coffee out on this one! Hilarious! I love it! I remember the time my young son kept yelling “my weenie is hanging, my weenie is hanging” at the grocery store. I am not quite sure exactly what he meant, but I couldn’t get out of the store fast enough. No matter how hard I tried to shush him, he kept yelling at full volume. I think it was years before I had courage to go back to that particular store. Great post!

  311. lawahine says:

    This post is EXACTLY why I shouldn’t be reading this blog at work. Spit out my coffee, had to cover my laughter with fake choking. Thankfully I could just blame the coffee.

    Of course this won’t stop me. I’m on a mission to get up to date!

  312. Monique says:

    OK seriously, I’m having a terrible stressful day over here but this TOTALLY cheered me up!!! HAHAHA it’s so hilarious!!!!! Thank you.

  313. Elana says:

    I laughed so hard I peed a little AND had a mild asthma attack (no inhaler needed, just a little wheezy). Both my 4.5 year old ans 2 year old are sound asleep next to me on the sofa, so I was doing the silent, wheezy laugh, praying they don’t wake up….thank you for your comedic brilliance, Amber. You are a true arteest.

  314. Sue says:

    So SO funny!
    Thank you – I almost wet my pants (but didn’t) from laughing so hard. You are Magic.

  315. Rachel says:

    The comments had me laughing as hard as the story! My hubby is giving me the weird look. Tears, oh my, too funny. My girls never did this, bit the one did flatten herself against the far end of the shower once when I bent over to adjust the water temperature. She said she was afraid my butt would eat her! I embarrass them now (ages 14 and 11) by singing Monkeys in my Underwear to the tune of Camptown Races, loudly in Wal-Mart. They are less embarrassed by me now and will join in. We can clear an aisle in less than a minute!

  316. Amanda says:

    Omg, tears streaming down my face from laughing!!!

  317. Pretty! This has been an incredibly wonderful article.
    Thanks for supplying this information.

  318. Thank you a bunch for sharing this with all of us you actually recognize what you’re speaking about!

    Bookmarked. Kindly also consult with my website
    =). We could have a link exchange agreement between us

  319. April says:

    Real tears over here. (Quietly) KML!!!

  320. Its like you read my mind! You seem to know so much about this,
    like you wrote the book in it or something. I
    think that you could do with some pics to drive the message
    home a bit, but other than that, this is fantastic blog.
    An excellent read. I’ll certainly be back.

  321. CJ says:

    FUNNY!!!

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