Parenting – I Quit.

(Attention: If this is the first post of mine you’ve ever read you might think I’m one of those bitter parents who doesn’t seem to like their kids very much. You might even be inspired to say nasty and judgmental things in the comments. Dude. Get a grip. The rest of this blog isn’t like this. Well, not usually. But everyone snaps at some point. This week? I’ve snapped.)  


You know what the best part of having jobs always was for me? Quitting them. Sure, I had a couple jobs I actually liked, the best being an indie video store in college (Bongo Video in Madison, WI – now closed, sadly) but I had plenty of really crappy ones. Glory was found in quitting.

One of my first jobs as a teenager was so horrible and demeaning that I pissed on the uniform* and then returned it in a grocery bag. When I handed the bag over I said, “This job sucks. I quit.”

It was that bad.

So now I’m a parent. People have long compared parenting to having a job. You hear quotes all the time like “the hardest job you’ll ever love” and stuff like that.

Well you know what? Parenting isn’t just hard.

This job sucks. I quit.

Ahhh, there’s the rub. You can’t quit. Ever.

Oh but I daydream about it sometimes. Don’t you?

When I’m at the bottom of the pit of despair (otherwise known as circling the drain) I daydream about quitting. I envision myself walking out the front door, down the front steps and onto the street. From there I hitchhike and somehow wind up backpacking across Spain. There are wildflowers and country villas and all kinds of lovely things. Complete freedom. Alone.

I’ve even gotten so far as to actually walk out that front door. Course I don’t get past the steps. Instead I collapse onto them and cry my eyes out.

Parenting can be brutal.


And I try really hard to be a “good” parent. To give my kids attention and respect. But you know what?

Sometimes I just want to tell them to fuck off.

Sometimes, this is what I WANT to say versus what I REALLY say…





Oh and those toys that NEVER get picked up? That are covering every surface of my entire house no matter how many times I ask them to pick them up?




Sigh. And they still rarely help.

In addition to the “I don’t like you” thing, he also says “Go Away!” all the time.



And we all know there is nothing worse than a kid who won’t go to sleep.



The pee denial annoys the crap out of me. (This was age 3-4.5 with Crappy Boy. And currently with Crappy Baby. Yay.)



And that contradictions thing they do?



And this happens almost daily…


He ignores me. Followed immediately by him falling.



And after all of these things happen in just one day…

Crappy Papa comes home.



Then I usually hand him something with pee on it.

Some things never change.



*Yes, I really peed on the uniform. True story. It was a gas station. 

And admittedly, sometimes I do say what I want to say. Not perfect. Especially during weeks like this. Haven’t set fire to any toys yet though. Yet.  


This entry was posted in anxiety, crappy papa, crappy pictures, parenting, rant. Bookmark the permalink.

1,192 Responses to Parenting – I Quit.

  1. Kristine says:


    • Lil says:

      Yes! As a stay-at-home mother of 5 kids, I definitely have wanted to quit many times. I love the “Yay, wood toys!” part of the burning scene. The house strewn with toys and the kids’ junk annoy the heck out of me on a daily basis, especially when I step on something and hurt my foot. Keep on trucking Crappy Momma! Love your blog!!

      • Crystal says:

        I have six kids so I’m there with you I have visions of roasting ponies EVERY DAY. Stay strong one day there will be a tropical drink with an umbrella in it.

        • Carson (Yes I am a woman) says:

          Having raised 8, and now down to six at home, I can certainly relate to this….especially those days when you have several kids puking, and then *I* start puking too….yeah, quit and run away times like that. Can I please puke in peace??

        • Vinnie says:

          SIX kids? Christ.

    • Lauren says:

      I am in awe of those of you with 5, 6, 12, 34 kids. I have one toddler and I’ve had every one of these conversations. Except I usually say what Amber thinks about saying and doesn’t say. Although then I say the same thing she DID say (“told you so. Oh, honey.)

      • Nadine says:

        Thank you! I was feeling bad that most of what she wants to say comes out of my mouth; I’m glad I’m not the only one. OTOH, she gave me some nice alternative answers to use with my two-year-old.

      • Megan says:

        Thank goodness there is someone else with “just one” toddler who feels this way. I say “told you so” approximately 17 times a day.

      • EHF says:

        thank you thank you thank you! we are not alone!

      • Teresa says:

        Oh agreed. I’ve said I told you so, in more florid language, many times.

    • Lauren says:

      I am in awe of those of you with 5, 6, 12, 34 kids. I have one toddler and I’ve had every one of these conversations. Except I usually say what Amber thinks about saying and doesn’t say. Although then I say the same thing she DID say (“told you so. Oh, honey.)

      Amber, I’ve never met you, but I love you.

    • Niki says:

      OMG–this has been my past two WEEKS–YOU SO rock for posting this!! I told my husband, he owes me PTO lol (I am a SAHM).

    • cindy says:

      I’ve raised my kids and they are out on their own. I love your story. I mean I laughed out loud and often. Really. It is great.
      I say turn it into a bedtime book for parents of children of all ages. I believe it will be a big seller. We all like to feel we aren’t alone and when it comes to parenting who hasn’t felt fed up?? Thanks for making me laugh.

      • Allison says:

        I raised three kids and they are successful adults now, but this made me laugh out loud too. I remember those days, I remember telling them that God knew what he was doing when he made them cute and made them smell like cookies. After a while I also knew why rats ate their young. All the cute facebook moments aside, this is a pretty tough job with some very ungrateful customers.

        • Sarah says:

          LOL my mom says God makes babies cute so their parents won’t kill them, that is the only reason my brother survived. I have a 2yo and a 2mo and I completely understand this now! I do believe this is my new favorite blog! Glad to know I am not alone in the ‘sometimes being a mom sucks’ department!

    • Chloe says:

      Haha, although not normally a fan of fb annoying things like these- this is funny! Hits The Spot. …especially…
      I dont like You. Dont like you either you little shit!!! Whahaha!

      • Chloe says:

        just got to add to that,ive got 3 little angels, who of course I would jump in front of a bus for, but how it makes me roar with positive laughter to and release to have that inner voice spoken out loud… “of course I never get past the steps, and just sit and cry my eyes out. But sometimes… I just want to tell them to fuck off!” If you dont have time to cry- laugh!!!! thankyou crappy

    • Katie Kerrod says:

      LOVE your blog and your pictures!!! Must say I do ‘say’ a lot of the

    • Jan says:

      Been there, done that, got the pee shirt!!!
      One time I did run away. Forgot my purse and had to go home and apologize.
      Another time I took the toy airplane the boys were fighting about in the first mile of a long trip – threw it out the window.
      They survive. You survive. It’s all good.

      • Randi says:

        I haven’t thrown the toy out the window, just in the garbage. More power to you! My luck would be that I’d get pulled over for littering.

    • Denise says:

      Ah ha haha!love it. Hysterical.

    • Kim says:

      that is the funniest shit EVER and the God’s honest truth! I am a mother of 3: 14 going on 21 daughter, 12 reclusive son and a 5 yr old with a PhD in counter productivity :-/ My wonderful and beautiful best friend and mother to be, again, and again sent me a link for your blog and I just told her not all that long ago that I was done, I quite and want to pack my crap up and leave!! Ahh sweet validation!! I KNEW I wasn’t the only one who wants to shake the shit out of my family every now and then! Thanks for putting yourself out there. makes me feel just a little bit more sane. (just a little)

    • Danielle says:

      Ummm, I have to be honest, – some of your “want to says” I actually say! lol

  2. Ryn says:

    stay strong <3 soon there will be a moment that makes it all worth it… when one of them looks up from doing something and randomly says that they love you, an unprompted "thank you" for a simple task, or even a moment of peace and quiet because a friend has taken them on a playdate. in the meantime, content yourself with knowing we all feel that way sometimes.

    • Laura says:

      If you read a few more of her blogs, you’ll find plenty of her own examples of moments that make it worth it.

      • Noelle says:

        Just what I needed. Thank you for just putting it out there. I had many cathartic laughs. Bless you.

    • Gwen says:

      Amber’s better at “moments” than most of us already. 😀

  3. Alison says:

    This might be my favorite post of yours EVER and especially after having a similar shitty week that causes me to snap.

    • serenity says:


    • Anne says:


    • Angela says:

      YES. Amen.

    • Yoli says:


    • Lori says:

      Same thing here hon!

    • ker says:


    • Beth says:

      I absolutely agree with Alison!

    • Chanee says:

      Yup /\ THAT. Sigh…..There must be something in the air.

    • Stacy says:

      Oh my gosh you took the thoughts right out of my head today. And sadly today, it’s not just the kids that are causing problems. ::sighs:: Stand tough crappy momma. We all have to somehow!

    • Same. Fucking toddler who refuses to nap unless I lie there with her until she falls asleep. Today it took two hours. One hour of me lying with her and one hour of me saying “Fuck this!” and her crying alone on the bed. Argh! Go TO SLEEP.

    • Meghan says:

      Agreed. This is the best post ever.

    • Krystal says:

      My week has gone similiarly…after reading these comments, I am now concerned about a possible large scale children’s conspiracy to drive the parents nuts campaign. (More than usual it seems…organized.)

      • Darbi says:

        Funny you should say that, because I sent my husband a text last night saying that what my son was doing right then was against the Geneva Convention.

    • Camille says:


    • Tracy says:


      My favorite part is saying to our beloved offspring that they are a little shit. Because they totally are. Admit it.

    • Devan says:

      YES! YES! YES!

    • Renee says:

      Ditto!! Best ever! And I never thought you could top the one about the stomach flu. DEAD ON.

    • Liz says:

      Yes me too.

    • Apocalypstick says:

      OMG YES!
      It has been raining here (QLD, Australia) since pretty much the start of the year. We have had more days of rain than not rain. Kids are crazy, I am crazIER!
      I think at one stage when the kids were all “I’m hungry, I don’t like that, I’m hungry, this tastes funny, I’m hungry, that’s not what I want” I did actually snap and had a very loud “Oh my fucking god you kids are driving me crazy!” moment.

      • Nicole Richter says:

        Yes!!! Me too! Or how about “I’m hungry” “well where’s the plate of food I JUST gave you???” “Oh it’s in the trash, I didn’t want THAAAAT…” Especially when I’m flat broke and trying to stretch the pantry to its limits! My daughter has actually done this with one plate after another until I had to choose between choking her and locking myself in the bathroom until my face returned to its normal color. Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck!!!!! Lol


        • Holly G says:

          Oh, my son did that once. He went to bed without dinner and I don’t even feel bad about it. He’s not going to starve after one night without eating, but he sure will think he’s starving!

  4. Kristine says:

    Er, that would be “love”!

    It’s always a challenge not to say what I’m actually thinking. But sometimes, with my husband (or, more appropriately, AT him), my real thoughts slip out. Ooops.

  5. Shannon says:

    I have often dreamed of building myself a little cabin in the woods behind myself with a lovely little lock on the door so I could go away and hide for awhile when needed. I need my own tree house it seems.

    • Katie says:

      I think we all need a treehouse. With wine.

      • amber says:


      • Rebecca W says:

        And chocolate.

      • Kristin says:

        I would LOVE a tree house with wine this week!
        Toddlers. Sigh!

        • Krystle says:

          I concur!

        • wilma fingerdoo says:

          I’ve called my sister from my locked bathroom with wine in hand. Some times these little fuckers suck all the life out of you…it takes someone who’s out of the woods to bring you back and tell you it’s all worth it.
          I’ve also hidden in my walk in closet to eat jelly beans and call my best friend.
          This is one of the funniest things I’ve read all day and so true.

      • Darcy says:

        Oh my goodness, a treehouse sounds amazing! Somebody needs to make that into a business: babysitting on the ground floor and ‘Mommy’s Treehouse’ upstairs with a bar to take the edge off, massage tables and a ‘quiet room’ where you could read a book or take a nap in comfy daybeds with pillows all around them!

        • Caley says:

          Don’t forget a quiet bathroom so we can actually do our business alone! I’m dreaming now of eating something I don’t have to share, with a big cocktail in hand. After using the bathroom alone…Ahhhh someday.

          • Andrea says:

            Maybe we should have been sharing our “wine” with our kids…bet they would have slept marvelously…..

          • Lynn says:

            A couple of years ago the sole item on my Christmas wish list was a lock for the bathroom door. I got it and I was grateful. It took a couple of years before my three were adept at picking the lock.

          • Nadine says:

            A quiet bathroom. We have an ensuite that just has a shower stall. The main bathroom is right next to our 2-year-old’s room, and if we run the bath, it wakes him up if he’s asleep, or it makes him come running upstairs and ripping his socks off as fast as he can, shouting, “Baff! Bain! Baff!” I can’t remember the last time I had a quiet bath all to myself.

      • brianna says:

        YES, YES, YES! And books, lots of books! LOL

      • Shannon says:

        This sounds like a marvelous idea.

      • Jennifer Sawyer says:

        Wow, that sounds like a dream come true. 🙂

      • Ritva says:

        Can I come too, pretty please? There’s two of them little dev- err darlings here, I vote for the treehouse and wine. Although it is -20 C outside right now, but I’m sure it’ll be refreshing.

      • Katie says:

        Lots of wine

      • Nicole says:

        I just hide in the laundry room! 🙂

    • neal says:

      It’s always nice when one parent can tag-team and take over when the other is smashing their head against the wall.

      “Go ahead, honey, I’ve got this. Go to your tree house.”

      It’s tougher when you’re both pounding your head against the wall, and the kids just laugh and urge you on. If you both leave to go to your happy place, they call CPS.

      I wonder if there are babysitters that specialize in watching kids who’ve already chewed up and spit out a string of well-meaning adults. ‘Cause that’s a good emergency phone number to have handy.

      • Laura says:

        Pretty sure those kind of babysitters are known as ‘grandparents’—or at least, for us, that is the definition. 🙂

        • Lacey S says:

          I try so very hard not to abuse the shock-troops, I mean “grandparents”, but they’re always so HAPPY to take him off our hands! This weekend I wanted to celebrate my husband and my anniversary, hopefully without the chance of any little guy walking in on the celebration. My husband said he’s not interested [another reason I’m about to snap :p], but I’m thinking about taking advantage of the Grandparents anyway….

        • Janelle says:

          … if only either of our parents lived here. We are so alone here. So alone here. So alone here. … so alone … here …

          • neal says:

            Janelle, sometimes curling up in fetal position in the corner helps. Good luck.

          • Mandy says:

            Us too… It seemed like fun to move away to someplace new.. Until you find out you are pregnant and then alone in someplace new 🙁

          • Darbi says:

            If anyone has sane, available, and enthusiastic grandparents in the area, please take a moment of silence to appreciate that particular awesomeness of your circumstances.

          • Dee says:

            I sympathize with you, in a different sort of way. We have hippie baby boomer “grandparents” that live close but do nothing. I mean, nothing. Two hours away, and they couldn’t come see their new grandchild until he was 1 month old because they were “busy” with a friends 50th birthday. For a month, apparently. Never changed a single diaper, even if it meant they left the kid sitting in shit because I was breast feeding the baby. Couldn’t make it to the most recent grand kids birthday because they were “tired” from the cruise they had finished … a month prior. What I want to say: go to hell and die alone one day in an old folks home. What I actually say: Your grand kids miss you and are hoping you can come for a visit soon…? It’s pathetic. Fucking self-absorbed baby boomers.

        • Colleen Potvin says:

          Yes Laura, that’s us. I have been called upon to referee and have had to resort to a two week vacation for parents who were at the breaking point. Some of Mamma’s tough love seems to straighten them out for a while. Wish I had had someone to take mine but I’m glad to do it for my kids.

        • Whitney says:

          Is it just me? We live thousands of miles away from the grandparents, so they have to come stay with us if they want to hang with the kids or we want a night out. Without fail, they leave shocked and horrified at how hard it is to live with a 2 and 5 year old! At the beginning of the week they are smiling and happy to be with them, but by about day 2 they are traumatized.

          • Rachel says:

            Haha. I remember my Dad giving me all this advice on how I should let my kid rest and take it easy more. Then we went to visit and he watched him for 10 hours a day for two friggin’ days. He was too exhausted to do it anymore and glad when Mommy came home.
            The good news, I no longer hear how I am doing the Mommy thing wrong by taking my kid to 50 activities (my kid is spirited and just needs to be active). The bad news, my Dad really isn’t interested in my son coming for any visits anytime soon. And my once hopeful week with the Grandparents is a distant dream.
            Argh. There is sleepaway camp when they get older, right? Right? Right?

    • helen says:

      I just dream of having a wee with out children coming in and arguing/helping/chatting/discussing homework etc etc

      • Shannon says:

        Ohhh see *I* can go wee without issue now (finally). However whenever THEY have to go it is apparently time for an in depth conversation.

        • Lisa says:

          This!!! Regardless of asking them BEFORE you go in… they always need to go right when you get comfortable.

      • Sydney says:

        Helping! My 3 year old tries to help me wipe! Where is my dignity!

        • Tracy says:

          No dignity. It’s gone.

        • Bronwyn says:

          I am laughing but sympathizing.
          If you can wait 13 years you will have the perfect revenge by trotting this story out at a 16th birthday party 😉

        • Heather says:

          Sydney, It’s so nice to find out that I’m not the only one who has ‘help’ when they go to the bathroom!! I have a 3 year old and an 18 month old both trying to help me wipe – sometimes it’s like a kung-fu cartoon with me waving my arms around trying to block them and get the toilet paper out of their hands.
          My dignity is so far gone, it’s just a little speck . . . trudging sadly off in the distance.

          • Nicole Richter says:

            I love this imagery. Amber should do a crappy drawing of your bathroom martial arts!!! 🙂

      • Jacqui says:

        Here, here! I am 6 months pregnant with my second and so have to pee very regularly! My son is 2 and incredibly clingy at the moment. Most bathroom visits involve me trying to remove my pants or hoist my skirt one-handed whilst he clings to me crying “no wee wee mommy!”. On a good day he has to come in and help me by shoving reems of toilet paper between my legs!

  6. Andrea says:

    Thanks for making me feel normal, that’s all.

    • Olivia says:

      Me too. Thank you!

    • Kate in MI says:

      preachin’ to the (admittedly non-religious) choir.

    • Angela says:

      Yes. Amen to that.

    • Randi says:

      Yes, Me too 🙂

    • ann says:

      She didn’t make me feel normal. Some times I say something that is closer to the bad version.

      • Laura says:

        I have too, sometimes said something bad. But it never really makes me feel better, it just makes me feel worse for saying something bad around my kids.

      • shanny says:

        mmm i have been known to crack out “told you so” on occasion. because they don’t bloody listen!

      • S says:

        *hugs* yup, been there.

        I did used to snap a lot (post natal depression, 1st child), and it really didn’t help to overhear Daddy say to baby, “you’ve broken Mommy”.

        My coping mechanism at the moment is to talk in a quiet firm voice, and express how I feel and listen to myself being honest. Such as, “Atilla, I’m very tired and I’m getting short-tempered. I would appreciate it if you -do-the-thing-I-need-you-to-do.” Short, and honest, and repetitive until I can relate to him again in a friendlier manner.

        He’s a very nice boy, mostly. Mostly, Very Playful (the little monster).

    • Krista says:

      Yes, this has to be my favorite post yet. Thank you for being a mommy that isn’t afraid to have real talk! I can’t stand some of the mommies I know that act like every moment with their children is rainbows and sundaes. We all have those moments despite how glorious we find our parenting skills to be.

      • Shenanana says:

        Agreed!! I was beginning to think I was abnormal from the “every moment with my children is perfect and I never get angry, etc…” people.

      • Tracy says:

        Krista, you said it, sister.

  7. bex says:

    I really must be a bad mom then. When my kids fall because they’ve climbed on something or stubbed their toes because they ran through the kitchen, again, I do say “I told you so!” I believe that I shouldn’t have to tell them a million times not to do something especially when the output will be the same every time. UGH.

    • I say “I told you so” too.

    • Leighan says:

      Dude, ditto. And the “just go so you don’t pee on the floor” one – totally do that.

      • Mindy says:

        I’m pretty sure I said that this morning. Those exact words. Oh, well…

      • amanda says:

        I say just about all of the “what I want to say” lines :O
        I can’t help it though I’ve always been one that calls it like I see it, doesn’t matter if the person is 2 or well into adulthood.

        • LizJane says:

          Yep, I say most of those “want to say” things too. Not every time, but often. Otherwise they will just walk all over me and continue to not listen & as far as I’m concerned…not listening &/or yelling at me is majorly disrespectful and we work on correcting that behavior every single day. Sighhh

          • SpiritHealer says:

            I must be “old school”. I was given some pretty good advice early on about parenting. From day one, demand respect, because if you don’t, you will become a resentful doormat and getting control later will be REALLY tough. Tell them to pick up their stuff, once, maybe twice. Then shut up. If it isn’t picked up by bed time, disappear it after they go to sleep. When they ask about it, tell them they can get it back when their other stuff is picked up. Give them a time range to pick up within. (They will test you on this!) If they don’t pick up, the toy goes in the garbage. Don’t make this threat unless you are willing to carry it out. However, once you do carry it out, yo will discover that $10 toy bought you tons of peace of mind. The other thing your kids will get out of this “tough love”, is that they will come to trust you in a way they don’t now. If they can rely on you to do what you say you will, then they can trust you to set safe limits for them. Of course, they will gripe. But, they will trust and feel more secure than their friends. The payoff, besides parental sanity? When you are behind the door and you hear your kid explaining to his friends, all the things you have been saying to him! Also NEVER call your kids names or make idle threats. This demeans you and teaches them never to trust you!

    • Rebekah says:

      I say it, too. All. the. time. At least it seems so. And I think it’s ok to say it. I think the littles need to hear that we actually do know what we’re talking about.

    • Wendy says:

      Oh boy, I say “I told you so” too. Usually after I’ve said, “I don’t want to hear it…”

      And Amber, the drawing of Crappy Baby saying no with his hand up cracks me up every time. It’s in some of your other posts, and I just love it.

    • Heather says:

      me too! Well, I usually say “This is why mommy told you not to do X” or “Was that a good idea?”

    • Kate says:

      yes! except i prefer to constructively criticize my kids after an injury: “nothing like a little pain to keep you from doing something stupid twice.” don’t get your hopes up, though. it doesn’t work. it’s just fun to say.

    • Michelle says:

      I do this too…doesn’t seem to work either on my two boys either but I still do it 😉

    • Devan says:

      I say it all the time! “HOW MANY times do I need to tell you not to do that??!!??” I mean, as a human, small or big, if someone tells you something over 1000 times, you cant freaking cry if you do it anyways and hurt yourself….UGH!!!!!

      • Anne says:

        I’ve said that so many times that now my two-year old twins say it to each other when one has messed something of the other’s up. Pretty funny watching a two year old, hands on hips, sorrowfully shaking her head saying “how many times Will? How many times?!”

  8. Jenny says:

    You’re the best – mwah. This is spot on!!

  9. Jordan says:

    You’re my hero. <3<3

    • Steff Boys says:

      You are mine too.
      I have the same daydream…. Just walk out the door…
      I actually do it once a year (it is an organised thing, the kids are well cared for, I promise). I highly recommend it. A Mummy holiday just for Mummy. I even eat icecream for breakfast and toast for dinner! And wee all by myself. ALL. BY. MY. SELF.
      Don’t forget you are awesome!

  10. Jennifer says:


  11. Lindsay says:

    Thank you for this today. I have been considering going to my appointment later and just staying there. Living at the eye doctor. They won’t notice.

    • Midwest Amy says:


    • amber says:

      That does sound appealing. My eye doctor’s office has comfy couches and coffee.

      • Kate in MI says:

        Ooh ohhohh! Guys!
        Best mini-escape I’ve done lately: tell my husband that I WILL PAY THE BILL (at a restaurant) if he just wants to go get the kids in the car. That I, poor me, will wait and wait and wait for the unresponsive waitress. I shall do it for YOU.
        And I sit there and sip my diet Pepsi in some goddamned PEACE for a couple of minutes. And I smile. And sometimes I finish off the fries left on one of my kids’ plates. Works a charm.

      • Alyssa says:

        I totally did that after the birth of my 3rd son in under 4 years. I got out of my appt, sat down, picked up a smutty People magazine, and drank their coffee. I even confessed to the receptionist what I was doing. She was very supportive.

      • Alexis C. says:

        My dentist’s office has paraffin hand dips and arm massages and movies. The other day, I was there for a cleaning, and they were apologizing that it was taking the dentist so long to get to me. I told them not to worry — that I hadn’t been that relaxed in weeks!

        • Shenelle says:

          I want to go to your dentist!

        • Ceri says:

          That Dentist sounds AWESOME! My kids dentist is all amazing for kids with bubbles, and video games, and leap pads ect ect I have often thought, i want a dentist that does somthing like that for adults. That. would. be. it! I would so go there.

  12. Jodi DeMay says:

    dont feel bad i feel the same way.
    My house is a constant mess, my kids are constantly fighting with each other, my little one wont walk and my middle one wont potty train… im ready to pull out my hair and walk away sometimes but we cant because we love our kids soooo much. I love my girls but sometimes wish that I could have a week vacation somewhere warm with a book and a pina colada.

  13. Emily J. says:

    You’re my favorite! Girl, on the days when both of my kids are being angels, I think, “Wow. I want like four kids.” But most days I’m like…”Yeah, I am so done.”

  14. Angela says:

    See, now this is why I love you. In addition to making me laugh this story is so real and honest and true. Been there.

  15. Jen Keeler says:

    *stands and claps, looking on proudly with a tear in my eye*

  16. Nicole says:

    Thank you for that ending disclaimer. Because I nearly *always* say what I want to say (except, you know, without the swear words, because I try not to swear in front of my children, lol), and for a while I was thinking, “Dang, she’s a SAINT, no wonder she’s ready to quit!!”

    Thank you for allowing us to see that you are human.

    And yes, I definitely want to quit sometimes, too!! Those are the nights when I wind up drinking something alcoholic. I swear I never drank before I had children.

    • Christie says:

      I never drank much of anything until I had children. None of those books that I read said anything about how truly SHITTY parenthood can be sometimes. I’m a huge advocate of alcohol as a coping mechanism now. 😉

  17. Daniel says:

    Ah, when the kids climb something and get hurt, I *do* say, “I told you so!” Then my wife gets upset at me for not being more compassionate. Then I catch *her* saying, “I told you so” the next time something happens. 🙂

  18. trish says:

    thanks! I thought I was the only one with the “walk out the door and keep on walking” daydream.

  19. Emily says:

    Ah phew – you are like the rest of us! I remember reading once, somewhere, that you aren’t supposed to tell your kids, “You are driving me crazy!” It’s a piece of parenting advice I’ve completely disregarded because sometimes kids need to know the truth. And it seems less traumatic than stabbing myself in the eyeball with a pencil just to feel some relief, right?

    • Kate says:

      I remember my mom saying “You kids are driving me crazy!” and and wondering what the heck she was talking about (I was just living my life, after all). Then along came my own kids. Epiphany so many times!

    • neal says:

      Eyeball stabbing is always a good last resort – it really gets the kids attention, you know? But first, I’m thinking a trip to the store to get about thirteen pinatas might be in order. The kids wonder what’s going on, they whine, they ask a million questions, they throw stuff at your head. You don’t answer.

      You get home. You hang a Pinata from a hook in the ceiling. You get a baseball bat. At first the kids think it’s going to be fun. Then you scream and knock that sucker across the room. You pound it to death on the floor like a crazy person. You bite it and rip pieces out with your teeth. You take a deep breath and hang another pinata from the ceiling.

      No need to actually SAY anything to the kids. They’ll get the picture.

    • Marlene says:

      I tell my kids that all the time! Walking through a store me & my 5 year old saw a little kid throwing a tantrum & the mom stage whispering to him to stop. My daughter taps me & says “Look mom, her kids drive her crazy too!” Hey, maybe she gets it & won’t need therapy when she’s an adult after all.

    • katie says:

      lol!!!!!!!!!!! that is awesome! for real!

  20. Impeccable timing. If you have kids and haven’t felt this way, you are either dead, lying or an alien. I’m certain of it. 😉

  21. April says:

    It happens. No shame and surely no judgement. Sorry you’re having a no-so-crap-tastic week 🙁

  22. Tara says:

    This. This is exactly how I feel some days! Glad to know I’m not the only one!

  23. Sunny says:

    When we started getting older and my parents had 3 teenagers under one roof, my mom used to tell us she was quitting and we were going to have to figure out how to do everything without her and we were like, “Cool, bye!”

  24. laurenlarkin says:

    thank you. thank you for being honest and making the rest of us parents/stay-at-home-moms feel all that more “normal”. Again, thank you.

  25. Jolleen says:

    Yup! I feel you!!! After 3 kids (only a 14 year at home now) I understand!! You’ll get through this sucky week, you won’t quit (though you’ll want to) and at some point crappy boy and crappy baby will do something sweet and loving and you’ll feel like you’ve been promoted…then they’ll go pee on something and the cycle will continue =)

    • amber says:

      Yes. Eagerly awaiting my promotion.

      • Amber R. says:

        I think the promotion is either a: college, or b: grandparenthood.

        Grandparenthood sounds way better than parenthood, mostly because the kids aren’t entirely your problem. And if you speak your mind, you’re just the crazy Grandma that is ‘spunky’. I don’t think college will be a promotion, because you’re still paying for entirely too much of their lives…

        • Laurie says:

          Yep, Grandparenthood IS the reward for not killing/walking out on your kids. You get to do (mostly) what you want and get to send them home at the end…….

        • My stepsibs are college-age now. It’s definitely not a break for my dad, and these days there’s always a chance someone will have to move back in.

  26. Nicole says:

    I quit too. Lets go party.

  27. alison says:

    Hey, you know Amber, you just gotta say it like it is somedays. Or weeks. Even years. Yes, Spain sounds great but lately, I would really just love some alone time in the bathroom, you know?

  28. I tell Isaac (2.5) “I told you so” frequently. I’ll tell him that what he’s doing is a bad idea, that it’s going to hurt, that he shouldn’t do it, etc, etc, etc. If he doesn’t listen and gets hurt (assuming it isn’t bad – no blood, no broken limbs (though we currently have one of those)), I tell him “Well, maybe you should have listened to me.”

  29. Melissa says:

    You. Are. A. Saint.

    Seriously, I’m ashamed how often what I want to say is what I actually do say. Kudos to you for saying it here instead of to them.

  30. Christina says:

    Seriously I love you. You say what we all want to say but can’t openly admit. You’re like “Scary Mommy”. With Pictures.

    • amber says:

      Aww, I love Jill – we’re slotted together at the Gaithersburg book festival. That is a huge compliment.

      • Rane says:

        I hear you. I’m in the other corner with a bottle of wine. Here, I’ll light a toy on fire. Come over and hang out a while. 😉

  31. Kimberly says:

    Ugh..I had one of those mornings today! It was picture day and although we settled on an outfit the night before, it became a huge battle this morning. I did end up quitting….walked out the front door and everything. Thankfully, I had a job to get to where I will try to calm down the rest of the day. (yes it was that bad…like the battle of the Titans).
    Thanks for your timely post to let me know I’m not alone!

  32. Jlynn says:

    I am so there with you! And parents that judge are not being honest or they have Angels for kids. I love my kids dearly but there are days I want to rip my hair out. When they fight I want to just ignore it and see how they figure it out. The other day they were fighting over a ball, one that has a friend that is identical. Some days I just want to wake up and call in sick for the day. Does not happen…

  33. Denee says:

    I am so guilty of saying, “I told you so!” when the boys hurt themselves doing something I’ve asked them 1000 times (No, I am not exaggerating) not to do. The “I told you so is always followed by the obligatory words of comfort and kisses strategically placed on owies and scratches… but that, “Told you so!” always manages to sneak out in spite of my best intentions 🙂

  34. ashley says:

    I loved your opening disclaimer, we all love our kids but somedays…well somedays you do just want to quit! Thanks for not making me feel like a bad mom when i have thoughts like that too!

    • Colleen Potvin says:

      My comment to the kids was “I will always love you but right now I don’t like you very much”.

  35. Anna-Marie says:

    I so needed this post today! I did threaten the five year old with trash bags if his toys didn’t get picked up. Spain. Hmm … they have Spanish ham. And wine. Good wine.

  36. Krystal says:

    It’s all very true. Being a parent sucks and is completely wonderful at the same time. I love my kids more than anything and would literally die (or kill) for them, but there are days when I just want to say “I don’t like you either you little shit.” Thanks for the post. Nice to see I’m not alone 🙂

    • Laurie says:

      I used to tell my kids “Well, I LOVE you, but I really don’t LIKE you right now”

  37. Michelle says:

    I think we all feel that way at times. Anyone who says they don’t is lying!! Hang in there. I have called my teenager an asshole before. Yes, to his face. In my defense, he was acting like one!! So just wait it out, and you too can cuss at Crappy Teen!

  38. kim says:

    omg, im crying over here from laughing, because you just wrote my life. =)

  39. Kara says:

    This is my week too. Thank you!!

  40. Susan says:

    Amen, sister. Amen.

  41. Brooklyn says:

    One of my favorite posts.
    I often tell my new parent friends they will feel like this. Have horrible thoughts and want to say nasty things to their (very loved) children. Just to warn them. Hardly anyone tells us that this is normal. Being a good parent isn’t NOT thinking these thoughts, it’s just not acting on the worst of them.
    Hope you have a better week.

    • Misty says:

      Agreed! It’s so important for parents to be open and honest with one another, so that we all can carry on without self-loathing and doubt!

  42. Karol says:

    It would be abnormal if you didn’t feel that way sometimes!!

  43. Mona says:

    Totally know the feeling. You’re not alone. Some days are like that. Heck, some YEARS are like that. Your mommy-filter sometimes gets saturated and it’s hard for the loving, uplifting and respectful comments to get through. But you’re doing well. Even if sometimes you walk out the door and collapse on the steps.

    When DS13 was the age of your kiddos, hubby came home once to me, crying in the furthest corner of the family room, my head bleeding, and child in his room, screaming his lungs out. Yay for dads who come home and calm everyone down, yes? (My darling child was mad at me and threw a toy that had a sharpish corner down at me from the stairs landing – it hit me just right to cut my head – and we all know how much head-wounds bleed. It wasn’t serious at all but we were all fully melted down by the time daddy got home.) Yeah, I know how you feel. ((hugs))

    • amber says:

      Crying and bleeding in the corner of the room? Now that does sound like a bad day. (And funny in retrospect, no?)

  44. Rebekkah Smith says:

    You are better than I am! I tell my kids, “I told you so!” all the time when they hurt themselves doing something I told them not to. I also say, “Are you nuts?” Crazy kids!

  45. Kathy says:

    Been there, done that. Got the tshirt, wrote the theme song and I’m currently drawing up plans for the theme park.
    You forgot holding the screaming baby in your arms while you sob “please go to sleep” over and over while thinking “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!”
    Yeah. We’ve all been there. Anyone that doesn’t recognize this doesn’t have kids.

    • amber says:

      That would be a horrible theme park.

    • Jennifer says:

      Your theme park could be used for a Highschool field trip to let highschoolers experience parenthood in the fullest, instead of carrying around those “real baby” dolls for three days. Parents could send their kids there for a week instead of summer camp. Theme park = BRILLIANT.

      • While I don’t have kids (yet), I *did* carry around one of those real babies in high school and was required to watch the birthing video (natural and with pain killers…*vast* difference) and I can tell you it was the best birth control I’ve ever experienced. There were points at night when I could *not* get that robot kid to stop screaming. I was more than ready to hand it back over. Not nearly as difficult as real parenthood, but I do think it should be required for both boys and girls in high school. Perhaps not the video, but definitely the robot baby. Seriously.

    • Renee says:

      I told my 6 week old that if it was so bad living here, why doesn’t he try fending for himself! Yes, I was that sleep deprived and he was that inconsolable.

  46. Marina D-K says:

    crying here too! and hubs was behind me reading too and I caught a chuckle! HILARIOUS and TRUE!

  47. Vicky Hill says:

    You’ve encapsulated my feelings today entirely. Must be a full moon or something. Whatever, I quit too.

    • amber says:

      I hope so. I love blaming their crazy on the stars. Because that means it is just a phase.

  48. natalie says:

    I love this. I say this kind of crap in my head all the time. And, very occasionally, out loud! Parenting is waaaay harder than a job. You can never quit and you are responsible for their physical and emotional well being. I never had a boss that required me to wipe his butt and hold him when he was sad.

    • Liz says:

      OMG so true – and sometimes you have to hold them down to wipe their butts – I mean really?!?

      • Renee says:

        I felt like it was practically child abuse to get a diaper or pull up on one of my one year olds. She HATED them. I kept singing and playing games and trying everything, but she knew what I was up to. And if I didn’t somehow wrestle her into one, she would just pee on the floor. I called it the “diaper fight”. Before becoming a parent, I would have had no idea what that means. What? You throw diapers at each other?

        There were NO warnings about this in my fertility book.

        • Kimanne says:

          So so true. Natalie, I laughed out loud at your comment. Renee, I feel your pain about the diapers. Same deal here with my almost 1 year old boy. I needed to find this blog and all its commenters. Now I know I’m not alone!

  49. Misty says:

    Oh, lady. I laughed AND cried. Thank you for being so REAL, and putting our daily thoughts and struggles into an art where we can laugh about it. I really felt this one. Really really hard. Three girls? THIS BLOWS!!! Can I PLEASE trade them for some non-dramatic boys?? I know, I know. Less ER visits with girls, but let me give you a few words I don’t look forward to- DRAMA, PMS, BOYS, BITCHES!! Lol, thanks for the laugh. Hugs and blessings to you and yours.

  50. Lori says:

    Amen! Sooooo true! Parenting is one job you find yourself wanting to quit many many times…but alas you cannot (and really wouldn’t if you had the choice). Have been there countless times! My girls are 17 and 4, so I get to experience both teenage PMS and temper trantrums/terrible twos, threes and fours! Yay me! What the heck were my husband and I thinking waiting 13 damn years in between??? Built in babysitter? Not really, but she does come in handy. But sometimes I just wanna scream-the 17 comes down to the 4 year olds level all too often!

  51. Jill Petersen says:

    Amen. Just, Amen.

  52. Cassandra says:

    I totally think “you little shit” at mine sometimes too! Often quickly followed by the guilt spiral of not adoring my little angle every precious second since I’m a working mom who would rather be home. Needed to hear this today from another mom. I’m laughing now instead of crying!! Thank you!!

  53. Susannah says:

    I can totally relate. And it doesn’t make you a bad mom, just a realistic mom. Thanks for sharing! I feel normal again…

  54. Yo Mamma says:

    You are awesome for saying out loud how all parents feel some days! My friend without kids was surprised when my son went in the other room and I said “He is being such an a__hole today!” She said “How can you say that about your kid?” If we say it about adults, why can’t it be true of children? Everyone has a bad day and sometimes kids are having an a-holy kind of day. Which makes Moms want to run screaming out the front door! (I also dream of hitchhiking away and it is really strange because I have a car.)

    • Gabrielle says:

      I had the exact same experience! (Except mine was being a “jacka__.”) First, childless person, did you not witness the same behavior I just did, and second, wasn’t it perfectly appropriate that I said it discreetly? Kids– like pets, houseplants, and appliances– can be jerks.

  55. Just Me says:

    And on days like this, I really, really hate my kids’ crappy Papa for not sharing this load with me. Then I remind myself that he only added to the load when he was here, and I hate him more. And when my version of Crappy Boy says, “I hate you,” I really want to say, “Hate Papa instead, I sure do, because this is all his fault.” But instead I say, “Well, I love you anyway.” And wish Papa would get better even if he never comes back.

    • Laurie says:

      On days like this, feel free to use my “Well, I LOVE you but I don’t LIKE you right now, either” line. And tell him he can help make things easier by helping out a little….

    • Biolith says:

      You poor girl. Hang in there and I hope he gets better too and is able to be a real support.

  56. Desiree says:

    I get the same blank stare from my hubby.

  57. Amanda says:

    I have those days (and weeks!) too! Sometimes I vent by telling my friends and family just how they’ve been little shits. And some days my SO comes home and I grab they car keys from him and just say “see you later” and leave. I totally understand.

    And, I have actually told my kids “I told you so” when they hurt themselves after doing something I told them not to do. While I’m giving them kisses of course. I’m not heartless, just frustrated sometimes.

  58. Ashley M says:

    THANK YOU FOR THIS. I feel like saying the exact same things to my five year old daughter often. Sigh. Parenting is so, so hard.

  59. Cris says:


    Oh, I needed to read something like that. Going to show it to my husband this night…


  60. Cynthia Holt says:

    God knows I’ll get a backlash for this. But I will share it. After a grueling trip down to NJ with both of the kids a few years back, I think they were 4 and 6ish and complete a-holes in the car on the way down, we went to a pizza place. They were investigating a shaker full of those red pepper flakes. I said, “Go ahead, give them a try, they’re candy flakes.” Happily, I didn’t make them cry. But they drank a lot of water. I still laugh about it. I’m laughing now. They actually laugh about it too now. See I’m not that evil-but I’m with you, bad parent days suck.

    • S says:

      It’s a good learning experience for them, I’m sure. That’ll teach them to put random things into their mouths.

      My kid is 2yo and a bit, and I try to let him explore. I do tell him, “that’s enough pepper, or else it will be too spicy” when he shakes some pepper on his dinner.

      He teaches me as well, to be fair. “You _like_ blue cheese?!”

  61. Jenny says:

    Favorite post ever. So honest.

  62. Nikki says:

    You mean I’m not supposed to say that stuff???….. oops.

  63. Jennifer says:

    I just about laughed myself to death! ALL of this is perfectly TRUE and the exact way I feel! I’m on day 6 of a super cranky, feverish 2 year old and I want to run away FOREVER!!!!! He was cute at first with the hugging and comforting that he needed. Now? 6 days later? NOT cute! Annoying? Yes! I want to give him extra medicine just so he will sleep extra long and let me take a poop without sitting on my lap. But what I actually do is say, “It’s ok sweetie. Yes, come here, sit on mommy’s lap.” Errrrrr, I wanna scream. 🙂

  64. Michelle says:

    I hear ya! Before kids when I’d hear a story about a mom who abandons her family I would think “how could anyone do that?” Well, after kids I don’t wonder anymore… But, I’m still here. I do say “I told you not to climb on that” when they fall off something though 🙂

  65. Woolies says:

    I’m still quitting – one day, really soon. And my kids are 20 and 17.
    You don’t want to know the sordid details.

  66. This is my favorite post ever of yours. There have been days that I have fantasized about being trapped ALONE for several days in the garage with my booze-filled fridge and fully charged iPod and phone. There have been days when I’ve driven past people who have camping gear loaded on their car and I’ve had to fight the urge to stop and ask these complete strangers to take me with them. That would be insane, right? There are many days when I tell my kids to fuck off- in my mind. This post of yours speaks my language, and I’m mentally fist-bumping you right now.

  67. Brenda says:

    Don’t worry, you are not alone, there are times that I feel like that too, specially coming home after a long day of work, both my boys, ages 4 and 1 start fighting, hitting each other, they both have quite the little temper, I feel like running away! LOL, but I still love my kids regardless, it’s just tough, there are rough days, I’m glad that you admit it, I bet all moms have felt that way at some point.

  68. Nora N says:

    As a mom to a 1 yr old, and a step mom to a 6.5 yr old….HUG. You aren’t alone on these terrible days

  69. Jessica says:

    No toy fires here, but we did have a garage sale and get rid of almost everything. Now the girls have 5-7 toys or toy “sets” each. That’s it. And they don’t complain, it’s totally enough. And not enough to cover the house even if they tried.

    I HIGHLY recommend it. Ditch the toys. Kids don’t actually need them.

    • Alison says:

      That is so tempting. The other day I told my daughter if I had to pick up her toys in the living room I would take them away. She didn’t care. She didn’t even notice they were gone for days because she just played with her other toys.

      • S says:

        My kid has a lot of play things. A few months ago I tidied them into 4 boxes, and left only one out in the open to play with. He doesn’t even play with those toys that much. He dumps out the box about once a month. Tosses the toys around a bit. Leaves it in a mess. And that’s his toy pen at the moment.

        Sometimes I think the toys are more for me to entertain myself with, when I’m supposed to be playing with him.

  70. Celine says:

    Thanks for sharing this today! Sorry you’re having one of those weeks. Thanks for making me feel a little less alone in the midst of my own tough week.

  71. Carmen Córdoba says:

    If you go to Spain, let me know, because I want to quit and go somewhere west. Could met in the Canary Islands… Oh, blissful joy…

  72. Kirsten says:

    Is it bad that I sometimes actually say what I wanna say and then apologize after?

  73. Linda says:

    Hugs. I have only had this gig for 6 months, I love her to pieces and I know I haven’t even really started the process, but man is it one of the hardest ones yet.

    I know you’re all for positive reinforcement, but I have a feeling I would say “Well, I don’t like you too much right now either.”

    But my kid is already super strong and beats me up on a regular basis, so I might just keep quiet and cower in a corner.

    • amber says:

      I do say that and that was always what my mom said. “I love you but I don’t like you right now.” It works.

      • mrs wormwood says:

        I say, I ALWAYS love you, but I don’t like you right now.
        Only thing is she says it to me too. But if she says ‘ I don’t love you’ I say ‘yes you do, you always love your mummy and daddy, and mummies and daddies always love their children…. no matter what. But we don’t have to like each other all the time)

    • S says:

      I remember one of earlier songs, “You are my headbutt”. It did segue eventually to “You are my darling”. About 3-4 months afterwards, when the baby mastered neck-head control.

      In my worst moment, I’d finally had enough, and I screamed back at him. This did shut him up momentarily. And then he cried even harder through fright. *sigh* I hope my new strategy works better.

  74. Katia says:

    I know that by the time I hit ‘post’ there will be 42 other people saying this, but you’ve described my life in the past few weeks. 3 Year Old recently discovered the joys of saying poop and talking back. Simultaneous discoveries. He told me the other day “that’s rude, ok, poop head?”. Oh, I forgot to mention, he also discovered that adding “head” to anything makes it sound rude and since rude is funny in the past couple of weeks I’ve been called: poop head, stupid head, hag head and probably some other names I’m forgetting. This morning though, he told his dad “daddy, I love you so much, but I most I love mama”. I hope your week gets better and if anyone says they never wanted to quit they should be checked.

  75. Christina says:

    I hear you!!!! So I Only had one ;).

  76. Heide says:

    Thank you! Yes!
    The weight of the guilt for feeling this way more often than I’d like to was just lifted a little by this post…which made me feel momentarily giddy, and I laughed out loud for it.

    Again, thank you.

    This is so very, very true. My best friend and I call it the “running away dream.” We’d never, ever do it, but the fantasy of it is a sloppy, emotional, ever-present mix of desire and guilt. Lol. Yea parenthood!

    Also, I love and adore my child. Just so there is no doubt. 😉

  77. sally says:

    this post REALLY hits the spot. our 4 year old recently hit the phase where he says “i am right, and you are wrong.” about EVERYTHING. he even recently told us that he had informed his Pre-K teacher that she had made a mistake. ugh!

  78. MG Coffee says:

    You are loved by legions for illustrating our lives!

  79. Danielle says:

    This post filled me with happiness!! I am the calm mom too but it makes me laugh to know I’m not the only one that has urges to say something totally inappropriate to my kids!! Keep it up, Amber! You rock!

  80. Mrs. Gendy says:

    Ugh. I’m glad I’m not the only one having a shitty child-rearing week.

  81. Erin says:

    Oh how I love your posts. I don’t know how, but they always seem to come at the most appropriate times and relate to exactly what I’ve just been thinking or feeling. Thank you!! I was just having one of these moments the other night. I am sitting at work literally LMAO in my cubicle. 🙂 You’re the best!!

  82. Mel says:

    Love, love, love this post! I asked my mom once ‘Is it OK if I don’t always like my kids?’ and without hesitating she said ‘Yes! Absolutely!’

    • Mel says:

      P.S. I especially like the contradiction part because we are doing that right now with the almost-6-year-old. So frustrating!

  83. LaurenC says:

    I think you just wrote a post about my life.

  84. Allison says:

    Excellent post. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve jumped in the car for a frantic errand alone (husband watching kids and literally counting the seconds until I return) and felt my hands wanting to steer to the Interstate highway. Just a little vacation. I could stay in a motel somewhere….

  85. Randi says:

    Oh my goodness, I think we just had the same week. We’ll get through, we just have to keep trudging along. 🙂

  86. Loni says:

    it must be the moon or something. I’ve definitely wanted to quit this week!

  87. Shan says:

    Here’s to you for being a bold enough mother to say what every one of us thinks from time to time. Some of us *cough me cough* more than others.

  88. Tracy says:

    Oh I totally get how you’re feeling. Been there, done that (the whole tongue biting thing) and sometimes I can’t even censor myself (esp. the pee denial thing!). 🙂 So good to read someone else going through the same feeling I’ve gone through, and probably going to experience again …and again LOL. My in-laws told me, just wait until the teenage years..Oh..Great LOL.
    Love you.

  89. kim says:

    This was SOOOOOO my day today. Thank you!

  90. Shir says:

    Omg I think I’m dying of laughter?!! Can that happen?? Can I die of laughter?! Holy shit this was the most honest, hilarious, real post I’ve ever read and in so glad you wrote it! I thought I was the only one who has the days where I just want to quit. Lol I had one last night 🙂
    Thank you thank you. <3

  91. Karin says:

    LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT! I am so right there with you mama! Thank you for sharing your experiences to make us all feel normal! And I hope by you reading all the responses you feel normal too!

  92. dan says:

    Uh, is it bad that I’ve said some of those to my kids?

    “I don’t have to pee!” “I don’t care, go sit!”

    “I’m not hungry” “Then starve.”

    And I’m renowned for my tendency to say “See, told you it would fall over”. Also “You banged your knee when you fell down? Then quit running around the living room!”

    huh. maybe i’m NOT a nice parent 😮

    • Christina R. says:

      Yes. “Owwww, mom I hurt myself!” “Well, SIT DOWN and stop running then.” <3

      • Nat says:

        Warning… this is coming from someone without kids, but I do have plenty of friends with them, and I was pretty close to the Devil’s Spawn as a child.

        When we were growing up on the farm, if we did something stupid and got hurt (probably more often than the average tomboy feral children) we would be simply told “Is there bones sticking out? No? Is there blood gushing everywhere? No? Then I don’t want to know about it!!!”

        And as for the toy fire? Yep we got that, twice… it made us change our mind about cleaning up!

        But the biggest, most scary threat of all? If we didn’t behave, and Dad got involved, then our ponies would be shifted from the yard behind the house (where we could ride any time we wanted) to the very back of the property, where we wouldn’t be able to find them for a month! I once offered to send my brother instead of the pony, so my dog went on a holiday for a week too.

        As a former mongrel child looking back on what I put my parents through… I think you have pretty much descibed every normal parent! They all deal with the issues in different ways, but they do all want to quit and have some peace and quiet at some point!

  93. Samii says:

    Awesome. Being a work outside of the house Mom, I should be cherishing every second with the wee ones, but sometimes by the end of the night or weekend, I’m just DONE.

    • Courtney R says:

      I recently had a week off with my little girl and I was so excited until I realized that I’ve given birth to the antichrist.

      • SleepyMom says:

        That made me laught out loud. Don’t you hate that – there should be a prenatal test or something for “child who will push every button I have a million times before they turn 6”.

  94. Silmarven says:

    you hit it spot on.
    I have 2 little boys myself, 2 years behind yours.
    And I do sometimes say, I told you so, and then I go rub of tears and give hugs. And I do throw away toys I hate cleaning up 🙂

  95. Courtney says:

    “If you don’t go to bed I’ll stab myself with a kitchen knife” is my life motto. I might get it tattooed across my forehead.

  96. Andrea says:

    Wait – it NOT OK to say I told you so after your child falls doing something you’ve told them not to do???
    *handing in my parenting card….

  97. Heather says:

    I totally think this applies to the spouse too. Somedays I just want to quit him. But then he does something like “oh the house looks really great today honey” or “what would you like me to cook you for breakfast” – sigh.

    • Rebecca W says:

      It’s like they have radar for when you are about to snap on them! My husband has this uncanny ability too! It’s not fair!

    • YES! Some days it’s like, “Just GO AWAY!” and then he does something sweet or flirts and I’m all melty again. I do love the heck out of him, but there are days when he drives me bat shit crazy. I’m sure he feels the same way.

  98. Oh, I never say /
    “told you so” to the children. /
    I prefer “Called it!”

  99. Tracy Dorsey says:

    It must be a full moon or something, my kids have also been CRAZY this week. Bringing out the timeout mat today, we haven’t used it in a year, but it’s time to lay down the law again.

  100. Kathy says:

    Sounds like you had the same week I did!!!

  101. Brandy says:


  102. Bridgett says:

    I can totally understand. I’m actually looking forward to my 3 hour gestational diabetes test next week so I can have a few hours alone, without getting crawled on or peed on or having someone yell at me because I won’t let them watch TV nonstop. But I didn’t think we moms were allowed to admit that we’re human?

    • Shenelle says:

      Haha! I was really excited about my test too! Everyone was in the waiting room sighing cause it was so busy and they were having to wait, I was sitting there with my book, totally enjoying myself!

    • Joyce says:

      I had to take my kids with me for that one. A 4 year old and a 2 year old walk into a waiting room…

      • Bridgett says:

        Ooh, that must have been fun 🙁 Still, at the end of my test, I was running out so I could go see my girl. I had thought about calling my husband and having them come visit me for a little while.

  103. Jill says:

    I feel ya!!!

  104. Alisa says:

    I FEEL YA. I really do.

  105. Moppy says:

    Amen to that!!! After 3 weeks of hell (also known as a ‘phase’) I’d quite like to quit. Actually no, I desperately want to quit! Hey ho, must go negotiate with a 3 year old over bath time!

  106. Sarah says:

    Glad to know I’m not the only one who wants to quit sometimes!! Once again, your post and photos are spot-on. Can’t really “retire,” either, even once they move out, which has the potential to suck.

  107. Candice Hackbarth says:

    This is by far your best post!!! Thanks fo making me laugh…we have all been there!!! I always feel bad for the times when I have slipped and told my kids to “Shut up!” but sometimes they just push you over the edge. and they don’t know it but that was holding back from what I really wanted to say…

  108. Andrea says:

    You know what I finally said to my 2 year old who would not stop asking “why”? I explained to him in a calm voice that certain questions are just too dumb to answer and that was one of them. And I most certainly rolled my eyes and said: “Told you so.” more than once.

  109. erin says:

    this is my day today – word for word! it helps to know my bubble of a world is the same as others. thanks.

  110. Sarah S says:

    I remember Bongo Video in Madison! That’s where I’m from. 🙂

  111. CINDY says:

    and this is why I follow YOUR blog and not the “life is flowery and rainbows and my kids are perfect” freaking blogs.

  112. Chantie says:

    OMG. I hate to admit it but I was laughing so hard I started to tear up. I’ve so been there, and had so many of these thoughts. Like you, I do my best to say them in my head and not with my mouth.

    Parenting is the hardest job for sure.

  113. Courtney says:

    I lol’d at my day job. I don’t usually “L” here at all because I hate this job too! In my head I secretly call my 2 year old a little shit al the time. Thanks for keeping it real!

  114. Tanya says:

    You are made of awesome. I remember when my oldest got old enough to understand what i was saying, and it bummed me out because I could no longer say “omg, you little @)#($)#, go to sleep!!!”

    • Shenelle says:

      Ya, that’s a sad day…

    • S says:

      Have you read “Hogfather” by Terry Pratchett? The governess, Susan, devises very terrible fantastical word threats to her charges. Who then laugh at the fantasy, and do what she wants them to. Dunno if it will work, but I’ll try it one day.

  115. Korinthia says:

    Ugh. I’m sorry. Some days are rough.

    I have no idea if this would have any impact on your kids or not, but with my own if I think what they’ve said is rude I tell them that and I make them rephrase it. It helps. Weirdly I think many kids don’t want to be rude.

  116. Angela S. says:

    I have been known to tell my kids that they are making my brains leak out my ears. I think all moms have those moments. It’s just called parenting. Good luck the rest of the week!

  117. Jenny says:

    I *do* say “Yes you do have to pee, go before you pee your pants.” To my SEVEN year old. I also carry a pair of his undies in my purse, because he refuses to believe me when I tell him that he needs to pee. *sigh*

    • Rosa says:

      Oh I’m at that stage with my 6 yo, my 4 yo, and some times my 3 yo. Sigh, I have a lot of clothes for them in the car. And I carry undies and pants for them all in the baby’s diaper bag.
      Stay strong, some day they’ll lern.

  118. Manon says:

    HAHAHA!!!! Wonderful. One time I actually told my than 3 year old daughter, after she told me she didn’t like me, that I didn’t like her either at that moment. I still loved her, but I didn’t like her or her behaviour. I did feel bad about it afterwards, and even appologised. Than went on to tell her that she must just watch her behaviour a bit. And just now, after she came out of bed for the 3rd time, I told her that I loved her very much, that it was now sleepies time for little ladies and that it was infact, mommy-time right now.

  119. Jen says:

    You are fantastic. I only have one kid, so I can only imagine what 2 would be like.

  120. sara says:

    Im actually pretty convinced that my floor IS toys.. you know what pissed me off? When my hubs complains about the kids messing stuff up but doesn’t help either.. ugh!! Im having this week too..

  121. Michelle says:

    I have definitely said, “Just go so you don’t piss on the floor!”

  122. Emily says:

    I <3 <3 <3 your blog, but I don't normally comment. Today, I had to. I "quit" over the weekend. I told my kids that they could have broken, lost toys all over the house. I told my husband that he could wash out the same dish every dang day because he was unable to open and unload the dishwasher. I told all of them that they could be stinky, dirty people because no one else would do laundry. I told them they could go hungry, eat cereal for every meal, or get frequent visitors cards for McD's because I was tired of planning, shopping, cooking, and cleaning up at meal time.

    Of course, I didn't really quit, but sometimes it feels good to say it out loud! (Things are better this week – and no one is naked, dirty, hungry, or being impaled by toys as they walk across the living room – imagine that!)

    • Rebecca W says:

      Rule of thumb in our house, you cook, someone else washes, period. And putting your foot down and letting them know mama ain’t happy is a good thing.

  123. Najwa says:

    Quitters never get to annoy and embarrass their teenagers though! That’s my favorite part. Payback is a bitch…I have 2 teenagers and one 8 month old.

  124. Xopher says:

    Oh my god, yes. This. This times a thousand.

  125. Julie says:

    Oh yes. I have to tell you that I think you are super bad-ass. A.) NOBODY says “circling the drain” besides me. B.) You are not alone. I have this day. About once a week. Less now that my kids are older – before it used to be about every 3d day. I have an almost-8-going-on-14 daughter, a 12-going-on-13-losing-IQ points-daily-in-pituitary-stew son, and a husband who should know better but doesn’t. He’s too busy guarding his chair. He’s afraid if he gets out of it for any length of time that it could disappear.

    My fight with my daughter this morning was, of all things, socks and shoes. Not just any shoes- Converse-brand extra-high high tops- leopard print with purple laces, that my step mother bought for her. And they are not easy to put on or adjust. I did not keep calm and carry on this morning. I stated in no uncertain terms that if we were late to school again because of shoes, I would throw the shoes out the car window while doing 80 down the interstate and that would be end of fighting about stupid shoes in the morning.

  126. Aimee says:

    I love you and your readers. Thank you for your honesty. ASK for help. Get a friend, a sitter, a video, to give you some breathing room. BTW: I once threw a brownie at my 6 year old son who wouldn’t shut up. I also threw some little pink dress shoes across the street, on the way into church, when my 3 year old wouldn’t keep them on ( I’ll never forget the look on the priest’s face).
    Hang in there, we can’t let them win.

    • Rebecca W says:

      We all have our moments of pure insanity, it’s okay. I would have loved to see the priest’s face.

  127. Renee says:

    Brilliant. You just summarized my life minus the peeing on uniforms and the husband. Lol.

  128. Chickenpig says:

    So true. Every word. I remember sitting in the grocery store parking lot when my twins were about 6 months old and thinking “I could just drive to a hotel. I have enough money on me for a couple of days. I could sleep. I could just turn the key in the ignition and just drive away…” No lie.

    And I haven’t burned any wooden toys, but I’ve thrown many away. I have told my little darlings many times if they leave a toy on the floor and I hurt myself on it I will throw it away. And I do, usually after swearing in pain. And I don’t feel even a little bit sorry, 🙂

  129. Wendy L says:

    I must be in for a load of trouble. I totally feel like this sometimes, and I only have one 2-year old!

  130. Julie says:

    This is perfection 🙂

  131. You’re awesome! And I’m also glad you’re as human as the rest of us! Good thing we can’t quit this job or there’d be a lot of out work moms!

    My post today should make you feel better!

  132. Kim H says:

    BEST. POST. YET!!! I love my kids so soo SOOO much, but sometimes I really want to punch them in the face!!! *Mom hug* Yesterday, I got to deal with exploding diarrhea from one AND toilet training mishaps from the other that involved poop in the hallway despite wearing underwear and pants (How does that even happen?). Needless to say, my day was pretty shitty.

  133. This is hysterical. Just this weekend I told my husband that I left my letter of resignation on his desk, effective immediately. He refused to accept my resignation. Instead he sent me to bed early and let the kids fall asleep in the living room so I didn’t have to do the bedtime thing. It’s probably all for the best.

  134. Lisa Lutes says:

    Yesterday I daydreamed about the day my oldest starts full time school (in 6 months!!). It’s the closest thing to quitting I’m ever going to get! Then I felt guilty, I should be enjoying my last bit of time at home with her… I’ll miss her when she goes…

  135. Guinnessgirl says:

    Oh, this post gave me belly chuckles like you wouldn’t believe! Especially some of the things you wanted to say- I have come soooo close to saying the same thing 😀 good to know you really are just the same as the rest of us. Hang in there!

  136. Tash says:

    I sometimes say I told you so. Usually something like: “I told you that you could get hurt”. I say it with a hug though.

    • Rebecca W says:

      Mine is, if you get hurt doing that, I’m not taking you to the hospital.

      • S says:

        Heh. I used to say, “please don’t do that. You might get hurt and then we’ll have to go to hospital. And then we can’t play anymore.”

        And then, he really did need to go to hospital (nothing major), and became hysterical at the mention of the word. I think I’ve learned a lesson. I hope he did too.

  137. Susan D. says:

    Best. Post. Ever.

  138. Claudia says:

    Sigh. It’s so reassuring to hear someone else say all those things…and admit that the occasional “want to say” phrase has slipped out. Hooray for moms who know and can band together against the kids! I mean…lovingly support those little…so-and-sos. 🙂

  139. Amanda Reed says:

    You have no idea the burden you have just lifted off my shoulders with this post. You just said things I never would have dared admit, thinking that I was a horrible human being. Now I know I’m not alone and it’s not that I’m a horrible human being, but rather that I’m a human being…. I’ve had your fantasy about ending up in another country without a care in the world. I could seriously cry right now with this revelation that this is a normal feeling…. I’m a little bit in love with you right now.

  140. kjlutz says:

    Thank You, Thank you, Thank You from the bottom of my heart. It’s like you can read my mind…

  141. Shea says:

    A healthy dose of reality in blog form. Thank you. Now I don’t feel horrible for dreaming of running away from my little monsters and never coming back. I am so in need of a sanity break after over 7 years of this that I just break down and cry. I am human. I am still a woman and it hurts to put myself on the back burner for so many consecutive years. Hugs from a fellow sometimes overwhelmed mommy.

  142. Karen says:

    I actually pre-empt the ‘I told you so’ by saying ‘When you fall off that, and you will, don’t come crying to me – I have told you x times to get down!”
    I loved this post. I wish I could have a toy bonfire – but I love their toys as much as they do 🙂

  143. Melissa says:

    I so feel you! My six year drives me nuts with whining! Or crying because he didn’t win at a Wii game. That’s like the one thing that instantly pisses me off. The whining I mean. Thank God my girl isn’t really talking yet!

  144. Sarah says:

    I always say told you so when they fall off something I told them not to climb and they fall. I then comfort them, but I am totally the mean that tells them, “I told you that you were going to fall and then cry, so stop doing it!”

  145. Morag says:

    I always love your disclaimers and the bedtime one made me spit my homemade muffin everywhere (ok, it was a packet mix but I did still make them and bake them and it’s yummy).

  146. Megan says:

    Lets burn the toys, woo hoo!!!

  147. Jessi says:


    We had a rough patch recently too. Thanks for keeping it real.

  148. NinaN says:

    I have quit so many times. They won’t let me leave!

  149. Cheryl P. says:

    The toys on the floor DRIVES ME CRAZY!! And not listening to anything I tell him (3 year old). So, I started taking the toys away when he doesn’t listen. I figured this way, he’ll either start listening to me, or I don’t have to worry about the damn toys everywhere anymore!! As I see it, it’s a win-win situation, FOR ME!!

  150. Ashley says:

    So, you’re just a normal mother. I, for one, am glad. No woman wants to read the blog of a mother who is perfect, it makes the rest of us look bad.

    • Janae says:

      Amen to that! The last thing I need during my few minutes sitting down is to see another blog about an educational game some mom created in her free time after making home baked bread.

    • Janae says:

      Love, love, love the post. I think those things in my head daily. We went through a really rough patch with our son (from 3-4 years) and it was all I could do to not beat him by the end of the day. And we aren’t even spankers! I have said “You better come in here and take over before I beat our child” more times than I can count and so has hubby. He would say to me all the time “I don’t want you any more.” To which I would respond, “that’s fine because I love you but I don’t want to be around you right now either.”

      The other night our daughter was nicely helping pick up her toys and my son said “I can’t , it’s too hard.” So, I said “that’s fine, but when I pick up your toys they all go in a garbage bag.” And I started throwing things in it. He had to earn them back one by one.

      We have company coming and then a birthday. I have decided in between those I’m going through the toys and 50% of them are going in bins to be stored. They can’t possibly play with them all at once. They just get them out for two seconds and then get something else out, and on and on! If 50% doesn’t reduce the clutter, I’ll go to 75%. Then I’ll either rotate or donate. I’ve noticed kids who have fewer toys play with them longer at a time and I’d prefer to have that going on than the current constant chaos.

  151. Sarah says:

    Absolutely hilarious. You have presented my days perfectly here! The only problem is, lately, I’ve been saying the “what I want to say” part. Especially in re to the piss and falling off of things. 🙂

  152. molly L says:

    Yay for wooden toys! =D solidarity my sister!

  153. Kathy says:

    Totally with you. Thanks for being brave enough to share!

  154. Anya says:

    Just wanted to say that if you really say the things you say you say (lovely sentence there) about 40% of the time, or more, you are completely awesome. I’m reading this child rearing book (made it through 4 years without ever reading a child rearing book but alas, the good run is over and I need help), and that’s exactly how you’re supposed to deal with these creatures. Be all supportive, and respecting and blah blah blah. I aspire to be this accepting and understanding. What comes out at least 70% of the time is “well, I don’t like you either”. I’m joking, but only partly. All this to say, hang in there, we’re right there with you and you are doing an amazing job. I keep thinking of how you got your Boy to do art for a living – that’s something I’ll never forget. I hope to grow up to be like you.

  155. Jessica says:

    Heyyyy… I remember Bongo Video! (UW student from 93-95, still living in Madison)

  156. Katherine says:

    This hasn’t really happened to me because I still have just one child and he’s not hit the terrible 3s. And actually the real reason — I don’t SAH so at least someone else gets to watch my kid 40+ hrs a week.

    But that first slide just made me LOL right off the bat (“I don’t like you either, you little shit”). The rest was hilarious as well.

  157. Tina Pierini says:

    Ha, ha I went through that. “I’m not your friend!” Me : “True..I’m your mother!” I had a toy jail for toys that were left on the floor after two requests for them to be put away.

  158. Heidi says:

    I so get the stab myself with a knife thing. I had that experience last night. Have you read, “Go the F*** To Sleep”? Here it is read by Sam Jackson:

    Makes me cry, I laugh so hard.

  159. Caitlin says:

    Oh Crappy Momma! We all have weeks like those. Today I found myself yelling “just stop crying!” I knew it was wrong to say it, but she was doing that fake crying that is really just a painful whiny noise that gives me a headache – all because she couldn’t remember what she wanted to have with her apple for snack. It went on for about 45 min and I snapped.
    I fantasize about leaving for Costa Rica and just vanishing completely. I never would. I love them all too much. I think that love is what makes being a parent so friggin’ hard.
    So instead of leaving, I break out the wine/beer/gin after bedtime and listen to some Louis CK.

    Yours in solidarity – tomorrow is another day.


    • LizJane says:

      Don’t feel too badly about that one… We tell our three yr old to “STOP CRYING. NOW.” pretty much every time he starts throwing a fit for no reason. And…it actually works! We don’t yell it, we just say it very sternly and firmly. And 98% of the time, he sucks it up and just stops. It’s done wonders for my stress level! 🙂

    • Marlene says:

      My girls will cry harder if I tell them to stop, my son on the other hand, you just tell him to wipe his face & he’ll stop crying & wipe his tears away. Such a little man he is. Now if only I could get him to talk instead talk/whine!

      • ACsMama says:

        My aunt and uncle (parents of 7!) used to say, “What’s that irritating noise? It sounds like someone might be trying to tell me something, but I don’t understand that language. Oh! There it is again! If only whoever it is would stop whining and speak English maybe we could get somewhere.”

    • S says:

      What I’ve started to do: “Tilly, you’re not listening to me. So I’m not going to listen to your whining/crying.”

      The first time around he was so surprised he stopped whining. These days, he’s still testing the limits of how long I can ignore him. Practice goes both ways, baby.

  160. Sarah says:

    You are a great mom! Hang in there 🙂

  161. Mike says:

    Thank you! This is SO spot on to how I’ve been feeling for, what feels like, months now. I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard for just as long too! Feels good to know that I’m not the only parent that feels this way.

    And while I get the daily “escape” of work, I do get the “These kids suck. I quit.” when I get home. However, I truly admire my wife as she deals with this on a daily basis. STAY STRONG!

  162. Shell says:

    You nailed it. So true. Thanks!

  163. Jessica says:

    Also, my kid also has the tendency to suck so I hear ya, sister.

  164. sarah says:

    god bless you – half the time I say the shitty stuff.

  165. Rebecca W says:

    I seriously said I was having a burning the house down kind of day yesterday and it wasn’t just the kids. It was the fact that I was dealing with an incompetent set of people the handle the house I rent. It was just everything. Mind you the house would be empty. It was just ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, at everything. And my husband thinks he has a rough day teaching. He doesn’t realize that adults can be much worse than kids.

  166. Steph says:

    This is my favorite post to date! I go through these exact same situations at least twice a week though I’m not nearly as tactful about my responses as you are. I admit… “I told you so” is a common phrase in my home. haha

  167. Jen says:

    I told my kids I am keeping score. And I plan to get my revenge when they hit teen years. By yelling out the van window “come give your mom a kiss!” and showing ALL the boys who come to the house their embarrassing pictures…and when they give me grandkids, I plan to totally sugar them up before I send them home….

    My oldest is too smart. She said to that “well, then *I* will sugar them up before I hand them over to you for a day…mwahahaha!” She would too. She’s got too much of her mother in her…

    All I can do is mutter all day long under my breath, “I hope you have TWO!”

  168. Katie says:

    Thank you. After reading what you wrote and reading everyone else’s posts sharing their own similar feelings/situations, I feel…normal? I have sometimes wondered if it’s just me. A couple weeks ago my husband was gone for 4 days on a business trip. By the 3rd day, I was crying and asking my almost 3yo if she just wanted me to leave (she’s going through a phase where she is disagreeable about everything!). Sometimes it is so hard to be a parent! Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone.

  169. Anna says:

    LOUD AND CLEAR! They don’t include weeks like this in any of those parenting books. You pretty much summed it up.

  170. debbiekate says:

    best. post. ever!
    (I like all of your posts but this one tops the rest)

  171. Christine says:

    That was hilarious…thanks for making me laugh. Just wait…they will be teenagers before you know it…I can tell you from experience it is hard to keep those thoughts in your head…

  172. Christine says:

    Theres been more than one time when I’ve told that Mommy doesn’t live here any more…and then my 4 year old wraps his orangutan arms around my neck and says “I just love you too much.”

  173. Debbie says:

    This was the best post. I know exactly what you mean. Most of the time I feel like a crappy parent for thinking it. I’m so glad I’m not alone!

  174. Jen says:

    Sometimes I wonder how far I could get if I just got in my van and drove. I don’t think 20 bucks would take me very far though…

  175. wendy says:

    my mom did say she was going to stab herself with a knife. It took me having kids of my own to understand (sorta) why she got like that.

  176. Wendy says:

    When my kids do something I advised them not to, I pre-amble with, “I’m not going to say I told you so but if you fall/cut yourself/poke your eye out doing that, I’m not going to be sympathetic. I will kiss/stitch/pop back in whatever you’ve gone and done to yourself, but I won’t be sympathetic. Just sayin’.” I have turned around and gone, “HAH! I TOLD you that was going to happen, didn’t I??!” Often followed by, “Let’s go find the suture kit…” And. I quit.

  177. Elizabeth says:

    Lately what I really feel has been slipping out, thankfully it is sometimes out of earshot. Thanks for making me remember I’m not alone. Sometimes my girlfriends and I fantasize about all pitching in to rent a little apartment somewhere in town that we can run away to when we need it!!

  178. Rachel B says:

    Oh thank God, a real parent in the world of shiny rainbows & unicorn fart clouds!!!
    This is me. Pretty much every stinking day. Well, at least 3-4 days a week.

  179. Susan Cervantes says:

    Thank you for writing this. Not everyone is willing to admit this out loud. I on the other hand ALWAYS admit to this. It has nothing to do with not loving our children. But sometimes too much is just well…too much. We are only human. ♥

  180. Shannon says:

    Oh hell freaking YES!!!!! This past week has been hard here too and at one point I thought I’d make my tongue bleed from biting it to keep WORDS from escaping. I said “REALLY?” in a scathing voice and ran to the bathroom and locked the door. Hang in there. Don’t think this will ever get easier but I’m so glad to know we are all in this together <3

  181. Denna says:

    You are awesome, that is all.

  182. I have been alternating yelling and apologizing all morning because today, what I want to say keeps beating our what I normally say.

  183. Stephanie says:

    Ditto what every other person has said. When my kids are having these moments I try to self-talk myself out of my hair-ripping frustration and the conversation goes like this, “At some point they will appreciate me and all the crap I do for them, right? When did I start to appreciate my parents? In my mid-twenties. Sh*t, that’s way too many years away – I’ll never make it!” BUT one morning you might walk downstairs and your seven year old will have made toaster waffles for all the kids, and they will be smiling happily at you, eating their waffles and your tank will fill up a little bit. In the meantime, wine and eating their candy after they go to bed with a little smile on my face works for me 🙂

  184. Jim says:

    I really appreciate your honesty. Just yesterday, I snapped at our 13 mos. old — who is going through a “I only want Mommy, and you’re not Mommy, so I’m going to shriek like a baby pterodactyl with his wings caught in a snowcone maker EVERY TIME you pick me up” phase. I told him he was being “f%#$#@ ridiculous” and that I was sick of it.

    It didn’t solve the situation, but sometimes it helps to just finally say what you want to say. (Of course, can’t get away with that one for very much longer :/ )

    • Lynn says:

      ” shriek like a baby pterodactyl with his wings caught in a snowcone maker”

      That is a perfect description for the shriek my 19 month old nephew does, and it’s funny to boot.

  185. Lynn says:

    You are not alone. I totally said “I told you so” to a little shit who fell off of something they were told a thousand time not to climb yesterday. We all have those moments.

  186. Sheri says:

    “Are you insane?” That was the best! I totally needed this today. Thank you.

  187. Ellie says:

    mm, perhaps I shouldn’t have read this on a day when I already feel like telling the little gobshites to fuck off. (actually I have done that, but they were too young to understand. I think. Does that make it any better?)

    So, Spain. Can I come with you? I speak some Portguese.

  188. Trisha W. says:

    Sometimes it is okay to say the things you want to say. I’ve said, “I don’t like you right now either.” =) Hang in there. You are doing far better than you probably realize.

  189. Dianna says:

    This is definitely the best post. I thought I was the only one who wanted to quit. Glad I’m not a nutjob. 🙂

  190. Lynann says:

    Before my youngest turned 1, I used to regularly say that after he got to 1, I was going to rent a hotel room and lie in bed watching movies all day. By MYSELF. Except I never did. 🙁

  191. Kimba says:

    My ex left when my youngest was 9 months old. Four children age 5 and down. I used to stare at the kitchen door and think, “I can just walk out. It’s so easy.” “Call my mom, tell her I’m leaving, and just go.” “Other parents do that shit all the time.”

    My youngest is 18 now. We all survived. Most of my hair is intact.

  192. Emily says:

    I think all kids got some sort of memo that we, as parents, can’t hear/see/know about, but my kids have been lil poopers all week, and i had my break last night… My 3 year old who normally loves baths didn’t want one. So I said, “this can be fun, or not fun, which do you want”, and his response, looked me square in the eye and said “NOT fun”. Ok. game ON.

  193. Bianca Lansdown says:

    Oh my god, this is hilarious. Thank you.

  194. Ami NS says:

    wow, i think you’re a better parent than me. I have actually said most of “want to say” things (under my breath but loud enough for my husband to pick up on what I said).

  195. Christina R. says:

    My mom totally let us fall and promptly said, “I told you so.” I also heard, “You got yourself there, now get yourself out.” If we complained about not wanting to eat or didn’t want what she cooked, she took us by the arm, put us in bed, turned off the light and said, “Good night, then.” Even if it was daytime. She proved you CAN say what you want to and seriously rocked parenthood. <3

  196. Susan says:

    It must be this week, because I attempted to quit on Tuesday. Only problem was my DH is out of town all week on a business trip. I agree with all of your ‘what I really want to say’ things except the falling one. I always say Told You So. Well not always, just nearly always! So yay, you are a better mom than you thought! Go you!

  197. Tikka says:

    The words, “I don’t like you either, you little shit” have run through my mind countless times. To date, I’ve been able to contain the catchy retort in my mind, but figure it’s only a matter of time before it slips out… Thanks for verifying that our daily struggles, while in vain, are commonplace.

  198. Momof4 says:

    I was totally thinking this EXACT SAME THING THIS MORNING…and then guilt took over and I felt guilty for thinking that I wanted to quit…just walk out the door and quit. And how much it sucked that there is no quitting once you become a parent. That is part of the fun that comes along with having a j-o-b that rewards you with money…you get to decide when enough is enough when it sucks and choose freedom (or at least KNOW that the choice is there) 🙂 Completely feel you today, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my sentiments (TODAY). My day started w/ three 4-yr old meltdowns before 8AM. good times.

  199. Heather says:

    Oh gosh… I love how honest you are! LOL It will get better. In the meantime, thanks for this… I appreciate the refreshingly realistic picture of life with toddlers.

  200. Tannah says:

    My life too…EVERYDAY!!! Although I admit sometimes I do say what I really feel, then I feel like shit for actually saying it…sometimes! lmao! We are all only human..although there are days that I don’t think my kids are human….

  201. Valerie says:

    I sooooo needed this after this week! (and its only Wednesday!) I have a 3 year old and a 4 month old Monday I hit what I though was rock bottom, then came Tuesday and I fell further into the pit. Still falling here, but at least I can now chuckle on the way down!

  202. Cherie says:

    You are AWESOME – Dont ever stop writing – please I beg you. I have tears running down my face because I am laughing so hard. I love your posts – they are so real and those who are perfect and say “these things dont happen in my house” are just liars!

  203. Stacy says:

    OMG, this may be my favorite post ever! I seriously laughed so hard I cried (at work, no less – lol), because its all so true!!! My 3 year old told me the other day I needed to go to time out – I replied that I would love to go to time out – forever!

  204. SD Murray says:

    Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone! My kid is now 13 and I have mastered the censorship of my thoughts but still fear someone might hear them or they might override the Mommy Speak. For what it is worth, boys are delightful & really fun to be around from 7 to 11.5 years of age. 13? Maybe you could get a job and hire a nanny for those years.

  205. K's mom says:

    Ah men, sister!

  206. Amber says:

    I’m guilty of “Told you so” after she falls from something I told her wasn’t safe a million times.

  207. SHANNON KOJAH says:

    Ummmm that was me last Wednesday… husband out of town, snow day, all 3 kids at home (boys) and tons of meeetings (work from home)…. sigh….ironically, it is the hardest job I ever loved…

  208. Jo says:

    Bless you lovely Amber. Bless you. I do say those things I’m not allowed say sometimes. I’m a truly crappy parent.

  209. Bethany says:

    I call it “mind tourettes”…in my mind, I am cussing them out, but what it sounds like coming out of my mouth is “loving mother”…well, most of the time…okay, SOMETIMES! LOL

  210. April says:

    This needs to be shared with the world.

    I was just daydreaming earlier today about how nice it would be to parent “one week on, one week off.” Our children would go somewhere else for 7 days while we mentally and physically recouperate and clean the house. Do you think we could get the government to find something like that? It’s really in everyone’s best interests…

  211. Ellie says:

    Oops. I think my bitterness is showing. They are lovely really, but sadly not this week, or not at the same time.

    And I can spell Portuguese, honestly.

  212. MamaJen says:

    LOVE IT! I, too, have days like this. Except no hubby comes in the door b/c he works about 600 miles away lol. i loved the difference between WANT TO amber & ACTUAL amber! Buck up, we have this (mostly)!

  213. Theresa says:

    So glad to see such complete truth and emotion. Yes. I have definitely been there. Glad I am not alone!!

  214. Lauren says:

    ha, I totally told my husband I quit last week! Told him I was going to work full time (somewhere, ANYWHERE) and he could stay home from now on. He calmly agreed to look into it tomorrow.

    Jerk always calls my bluff.

    but he also did the dishes and sent me off to take a bath. My husband rocks. Even if he calls my bluff.

  215. Laura says:

    love this!!! I have been there more than 100 times!!! All I have to say is… Wait til they become crappy teenagers… You haven’t seen “fun” yet!!! LOL

  216. Kathy says:

    Like the memory of labor and delivery…it will soon fade away. Then you have grandkids, and you can send them home! Hang in there!

  217. Cassie says:

    Thank goodness for Mama’s like you! Every parent feels like this sometimes, but nobody wants to say it. Thanks for saying it, normalizing it, and making us laugh.I can tell you’re a really great Mom. Go get yourself a much deserved break, alone!

  218. Oh my word, this made me laugh. Thank you. I can sooo relate! I wonder if when we’re old and gray, the young people will be calling us the “Caillou generation” because as parents we all talked to our kids like the “What I Really Said” balloons!

  219. Laurelei says:

    Amber, I love you so hard right now. You rule the Internet.

  220. Brian B. says:

    I have found that it’s not the kids that curtail your freedom; it’s the mortgage and extortionate property taxes.

  221. Eat Already! says:

    I wish I had 10 cents every time I felt this way. My husband is usually pretty good at recognizing this state of mind, and says with the angelic tone “Honey, why don’t you have a little me-time”… Which makes me feel like I am a vicious monster who needs to be isolated from society to prevent child-eating-alive incident. And I only have one kid! I can’t even begin to imagine what having 1+ feels like. Well, as you may have already guessed from the number of replies, you are very much not alone in this. And that *should* make you feel a bit less like a monster-mommy and more like a regular-mommy :). Keep up your awesome blogging.

  222. Lucy says:

    Fan-bloody-tastic! So totally true, so totally honest and so totally how I feel sometimes (aka a lot). Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  223. Jenny says:

    ♥ I’m there, sometimes, too. Lack of sleeps seems to accelerate my desire to speak my mind to my babies. Sometimes. I don’t give in, but oooOOOoh, the conversations my SO & I have later help 😀

  224. Ginny says:

    Amber….one of your best posts ever. Thanks for telling it like it is. I’ve actually caught myself saying “I’ve LEFT better jobs than this!” 🙂

  225. Erica says:

    Those are all the things I whisper in the kitchen before I go talk to them. Love. This. Post.

  226. Ruth says:

    We ALL have times like this Amber. Thanks for writing about it in your always comforting, refreshing and hilarious style. I especially appreciated the art of the flames in the toy bonfire.

  227. Jenga says:

    Bad news – they don’t outgrow the contradiction thing. My girls are 18 and 15. They will tell us they are starving. Then we sit down to a meal we all like (there are maybe 3 meals all 4 of us agree on) and they will just pick at their food. And they actually say “Yeah, I’m really hungry, but I just don’t feel like eating”. As if it takes that much energy to stick a fork in their mouths. FREAKS.

  228. Allison says:


    I just want to say, yeah, I can see how people would want to be judgmental about some of your crappy pictures. Not me. I love that you’re human. I don’t have kids, so I pretty much just think ‘oh thank God it’s her and not me’ when I read your blog, but I enjoy your posts.

    Let me just say, you have an excellent filter if you can mostly choke back your mean words and replace them with nice ones. I’d probably be bald from tearing my hair out in some of these situations.

    And the peed on uniform–classic. Go you!

  229. Jessica says:

    This was my favorite post ever. I was laughing so hard. I need to read this to myself once a week to remind me I’m not alone in my “crazy” thoughts!

  230. Celena says:

    I have a “happy place” in my head. I am totally alone. It seriously helps. Hang in there!

    PS: Do you actually read the 2,000 comments that you get with each post? Just curious…

  231. Anita says:

    Ha! You are so nice (in what you really say). My kid HATES showers so when he did the “I don’t need to pee” thing I calmy said okay and reminded him if he peed his pants he’d have to take a shower to get the pee off his legs. I would immediately see him run by on his way to the bathroom.

  232. shefali says: are SO funny! I better stop laughing now and go back to “wanting” to quit.

  233. Donna says:

    Thank you for giving a voice to what I (and I’m sure thousands of other moms/parents) have been feeling!

  234. Veronica says:

    It seems like the story of my weekends with my 3 year-old girl. Lucky for me I have a job at a University, therefore, from monday through friday, I only have to deal with those issues for a few hours. Actually I go to work to relax and rest hahaha. Love your blog, it’s been very supportive as I usually feel that I’m alone dealing with my little one.
    Regards from the other side of the hemisphere 😀

  235. Ashley says:

    am I the only one that goes with “what I want to say” 100% of the time? lol

  236. Joanna says:

    yes…. i have found myself having a full on temper tantrum on occasion. the other night i stomped out of the bedroom leaving my 5 yr old daughter screaming because she had wanted to share my blanket with me and cuddle. nice….

  237. Right there with ya, sister.

    This reminds me of some movie I can’t recall right now. He is putting his kids to sleep saying:

    “Shhhhhh (ut the fuck up)” under his breath. Classic.

  238. lindsay says:

    thanks for admitting you’re human. most mamas don’t and its sets the bar far to high for us mortals! x

  239. Laurel says:

    I didn’t know you lived in Madison! Of course you did – you’d fit in really well here! 😉

    Sadly, Bongo is closed now. Sorely missed – sad commentary about the Red Box death knell for local independents.

  240. Kelsae says:

    Swear to god, I almost didn’t come home from the grocery store on Monday because I just couldn’t fucking handle another day of dirty diapers and cleaning up messes that I didn’t make. I was going to empty all of the bank accounts and disappear!

    Except I didn’t. Because I’m a fucking coward responsible.


  241. Kristin says:

    My God, that was hilarious. I’ve actually told my husband that the kids suck, and I quit, on numerous occassions. Especially coming off those nights where youngest daughter (3 months old) just stayed attached to the boob ALL…NIGHT….LONG.

  242. Kari says:

    I may need to read this post once a week for a few 16 years so I feel better. Glad I’m not the only one that feels this way sometimes. My daughter is only 1 1/2 years old, so sometimes I can get away with saying whatever I want to. This won’t last long, because she knows quite a few words, and is starting to repeat some of them immediately after she hears them.
    It’s so much easier when my husband and I are both home, so one of us can actually quit for a while.

  243. Gillian says:

    Some people might read this as bitter but I think its the sweetest thing you’ve ever written.

  244. Katie says:

    My boys are about the same ages as yours. Last week, the 6 year old decided he’d rather start WW3 instead of taking a shower. When I lost it completely and started emptying his room, he realized I had been serious that I was done with his attitude. Since then (no toys, no books, and *gasp* no electronics) he has been a much happier little guy. This morning he got up early and put most of his lunch together, and wrote me a sweet note. The 3 year old. . .well, I still say he’s either bi-polar or 3.

  245. Erika says:

    Thank you Amber! I have had the same week and just this morning had an epic battle with my 4 year old son! It just went on and on! I tried reasoning,hugging,empathizing,ignoring,yelling–nothing worked! And then just like that he was over it! Ugh!! I even told his pre-school teacher that he was acting like a little shit! Oops!

    So good to hear that you and all the other momma’s that responded all go through the same stuff.

    I have SO had the running away fantasy! I envision getting in the car and just driving…like I used to do when I was single. I could go anywhere! Just not be here anymore.
    Oh well, gotta go pick toys up off of all the floors so I can
    vacuum, again! And wipe up pee from multiple

    • Erika says:

      …surfaces. Yes! Why can’t they just go when they need to go and in the frigging toilet!

      Love you! Keep up the fabulous posts.

  246. ErynBob says:

    Sooo needed to hear this today. I have actually picked up my dinner plate, left the table and eaten by myself in my room watching TV, because the day had been so awful. I got quiet while I ate and to watch exactly what I wanted with no interruptions. It was awesome.

  247. ErynBob says:

    Sooo glad to hear this today. I have actually picked up my dinner plate, left the table and eaten by myself in my room watching TV, because the day had been so awful. I got quiet while I ate and to watch exactly what I wanted with no interruptions. It was awesome.

  248. dee says:

    Thanks for telling the truth about how hard it is … the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

    Last week, I looked at my daughter, who’d been rambling about everything and nothing for what seemed like hours, and said, “I want to say something really terrible to you right now, but I can’t because it isn’t nice.” She got excited and said, “Go ahead, Mom. Say it! Say it!” And I said, “Really, it’s not nice.” And she said, “GO AHEAD!” So I said, “Okay …. SHUT UP!” Of course she gasped and then we both laughed. It helped a lot to just say it. LOL

  249. Suni says:

    It’s not you or the job– it’s your co-workers(that is kids) that suck!! They should be fired! Alas, they’re just doing their jobs.

  250. Alixandria says:

    Gotta tell ya… I DO say ‘I told you so’!!! LMAO!! THE I come out with the ‘awwww… Come here. You’re ok’ in the sickly sweet voice that drips with empathy even though inside I’m probably laughing because of the face they made as they fell…

  251. Lizz says:

    When I read that last line “hand him something with pee on it,” my first thought was a pregnancy test! Hah!

  252. Kristi says:

    I love this. I think we would be good friends.

  253. Jorie says:

    Once when I was sick…Emergency Room, IVs of stuff sick…the doctor agreed to give me some pain medication but warned me it might make my breastfed baby sleepy, was I OK with that? I seriously hoped it would, so I could get some more sleep myself. Didn’t work though. Damn it.

    And yes I have sure had these weeks before and they usually end with a fight with the spouse.

  254. Kylee Rowden says:

    LMFAO… OMG… “I don’t like you either, you little shit”… I don’t have kids of my own but I nannied for 2 of them a couple of summers ago… and if I had a dollar for every time I thought that my student loans would be paid…

  255. Alicia says:

    Totally with you here! 🙂 Just this morning I went through my sons’ (age 2 & 6) bucket of toothpaste, toothbrushes, other assorted crap in the bathroom that they just HAVE to have and tossed 85% in the trash. I was SO tired of picking it ALL up off the floor every day after they dig through and find the brush/paste of their choice. Most were nearly gone tubes or worn bristles they just couldn’t part with. Guess what? Tomorrow when they’re looking for it? “I don’t know where it went. Guess you shouldn’t have left it on the floor.” (besides who wants to use a toothbrush that’s been on the bathroom floor for a few days- yuck!)

    • Alicia says:

      Oh and this was after the 2 yr old dumped MY bowl of cereal out because he wanted a cookie for breakfast and after he refused to get dressed/threw a major fit about it when we had to leave to take big brother to school and him to daycare.

  256. Cheyenne says:

    I don’t usually comment on your blog. I read every post, but somehow taking the time to comment just tips the scale too far in the delicate guilt/pleasure balance of ignoring my children while reading your blog. But today, *f* it: I just have to tell you that while I loved your blog before, I now love it TWICE as much.

  257. LK says:

    My 20 month old kept pushing himself back in the chair that his booster is attached to so it would tilt. We kept telling him for weeks to stop, that he’d push back and the chair would fall over. When he finally did fall I totally said, “told you so!” So…been there!!

    I scooped him up, gave him a hug, rocked him and calmed him down of course…but told ya so was definitely the first response.

    He still does it by the way. The effect did nothing. *sigh*

    • S says:

      He’s learning about gravity, and angles, and balancing. Falling over is part of the thrill. If you really want to stop that behaviour, give him his meals at a toddler-sized table-chair (or sit him on a cushion with a short coffee table, or crate, depending on your finances).

  258. Danica says:

    Thank you.

  259. Victoria says:

    God i love honest bloggers!! Great post as usual x

  260. Lina says:

    Lol I love this! My little girl is still only ten weeks old today, but I used to work as a preschool teacher and I can seriously relate to everything that you’ve written in this post. Haha!

  261. Wilson says:

    Bless you for your honesty, woman. I’m having the same week/month–though I’m pretty sure I *have* said, “Oh, just go so you don’t piss all over the floor.” And I’ve *definitely* said, “I told you so.” I thought it was just me and my caffeine addiction… Glad to not be alone.

  262. Maria says:

    oh, I’ve TOTALLY said, “I told you so.”

  263. Sabrina says:

    Never read your blog before…and absolutely no judgement from me. Who are we as parents if we can’t be truthful? Thanks for honesty. Thanks for realness. 🙂

  264. Nicole says:

    This post comes in the middle of a very Toys in the Fire type of day. Just before I sat down, one of the non-napping kids woke one of the napping kids by slamming a door. Awesome.
    I needed some laughs after that – thanks! 🙂

  265. kelly g says:

    These were me yesterday… thankfully today is a good day so far.

  266. Trisha Lawrie says:

    I love all your posts, but this one I actually love YOU for. I’m glad I’m not alone in my fantasies of flinging open the front door and running without looking back!

  267. Layla says:

    You had me from, “NO! I don’t like you!”

  268. Heaz says:

    Oh Amber, thank you. Thank you for being honest and brave and funny. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. You are not alone. But you knew that, didn’t you? 😉

  269. Jen W says:

    This is my favorite post ever – EVER! So honest and relatable; thank you for always bringing humor to the craziness (and crappiness) of parenting 🙂 I hope you make it to Saturday without setting anything on fire, and that Crappy Papa gives you a much-needed day off this weekend. Or at least a sleep-in day. Or maybe you could just take a crap all by yourself 😉

  270. Devona says:

    “are you insane?” had me laughing to tears. They are definitely insane. I hope mine grow out of it eventually, because I think I might still be insane.

  271. Traci says:

    YES! The truth! Sometimes you just really do escape, mentally, but nobody admits to the daydreams or to the alternate ways you want to phrase things. Love your honesty!

  272. Jennifer says:

    Dear Crappypictures Lady,

    I can’t empathize with you as I’m a single woman with no kids, just a series of cats. I believe my lack of children is God’s gift to any potential offspring I would have have.

    That said, I really enjoy your blog and appreciate an insight to the world of Mama-hood and a five year old’s pee denial. When I was 30, my Mom would look at me and tell me I’d have to poop. How do you mothers know these things? And why doesn’t the power fade with age?

    So, having gotten to the part where you walk out the front door, I have to share this story. My mom was raised on an isolated ranch near badlands in Montana. As mom tells it, one day all six kids were being horrid (the seventh hadn’t arrived yet). Her mother had had enough. She announced that she was going to run away to the coyotes. (the area was lousy with coyotes) Out the door and up the hill she went. She went fast enough, that none of the kids could catch up. The kids all went to caterwauling, because Mother had run away to the coyotes. The eternal caretaker of the family, my aunt, fixed some food for them and comforted as best she could. After a few hours, their Father came home and kids cried and cried because their Mother had run away to coyotes. They didn’t mean to be bad kids. Grandpa sent them to bed and told them he’d look for Grandma in the daylight.

    The next morning, grandma was in the kitchen, cooking breakfast, as if nothing happened. the kids were good for a few days.

    (There is a rock outcropping on the property, and the thought is that she hid up there and watched the kids from there, so there was no danger. She got to speak to grandpa before he went home, so he had no worries)

    So, I, of course was a perfect angel growing up, because I didn’t want my Mother to run away to the coyotes.

  273. Lidia says:

    I am so glad you posted this. This is exactly how I feel right now. We have a 7,5,2, and 3 month old, and we are currently renovating our home. It’s chaotic and dusty, and I quit! Ok. Now that I’ve acknowledged it, I feel better. Thanks 🙂

  274. Megan says:

    Oh my goodness!! This is my life. Except I tend to yell curse words sometimes. And my son is the most stubborn child on the planet.

    I think mostly my idea of running away is the hubby taking the kids to the store so I can have 30 minutes of quiet to regroup.

  275. Heidi says:

    Oh, Mama! I have soooo been there! I usually try to get my wedding ring off to hand to hubby. But after 18 years that bugger doesn’t come off easily! Damn.

  276. Jean Russell says:

    I love you Amber Dusick, your honesty and humor has garnered a closely knit sisterhood, we support, laugh and shed a happy tear knowing we share this common thread of humanity.I am a grandma now and just like every mom who was “circling the drain” I pondered what it would be to walk out the door into an imagined peaceful life ..But I forged on and my 4 babies are delightfully unique and wonderful adults! It was worth it, good outweighing the crappy.

  277. Sharon says:

    Don’t quit, because this happens:

    Crappy teenager: Mom, you got GRAPES at the STORE? You are AWESOME!! This is the best day of my WHOLE LIFE!!!

    What you actually say: Next time, drive yourself over there, buddy. And pick up the grape stems you left on the couch.

    Then he picks up the grape stems and smiles at you on the way to his room.

    What you think: Best job ever. I rock.

  278. Shannon says:

    After telliung your husband “these kids suck…” you need to remember to tell him “…and I am going to get a pedicure at the spa. They are all yours for the next 2 hours!” 🙂

  279. Shanti says:

    My best friend has a son just slightly younger than my daughter and there are times when one of us will answer the phone only to hear the other say “it puts the lotion in the basket. It does this whenever it’s told…PUT THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET!!!” Immediately know what kind of day the other is having and it never fails to crack us up!

  280. Kate in MI says:

    Thus was born the “no-sympathy injury” rule in our house. If Mama tells you to STOP DOING IT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, and you keep it up and hurt yourself? I’ll administer first aid and/or the drive to the ER, but I’m not feeling sorry for your little self. No “oh, you poor BABYs” for you. You’re on your own.

    And I need one of those mini-houses that I can attach to the hitch on my car, and just drive it somewhere and park and voila, instant get-away. And I’ll have Wi-Fi.

  281. Deirdre says:

    Mine are almost 14, 9, and 5 1/2. Yeah, it doesn’t really get better. I’d like to run away on a weekly basis. I think we parents might need a union or something.

    Oh yeah, both of my younger two STILL do the pee denial thing. WTF, man?

    Right now, my youngest (a boy) is upstairs with two of his kindergarten buddies practicing armpit farts, instead of cleaning up all the Legos and Imaginext that are strewn all over the floor down here. (You know that half of those are going to wind up under the sofa cushions, right? Because you cursed me.) This way, they won’t have time to eat lunch before school, which means they’ll start asking for food on the car ride there, which means I will be the meanest mom/friend’s mom ever when I say, “No! You didn’t have time for lunch because you wouldn’t clean up the toys!” Clearly, I’ve lived this scenario once or twice before.

  282. Elissa R says:

    I cried with this post. I thought I was a horrible mom for having these thoughts. It is nice when you find a blog with “not so perfect parents” you know?? Not the one where the house is spotlessly clean, and always remodeling, and making 2000000000 thousands projects at the time and still managing to have a gourmet dinner, those blogs always make me feel like I fail at motherhood. Thanks for sharing the “downers” or parenting! It made my day.

    On another note …… I can’t wait for your book!!!

  283. sam says:

    …. I have a almost two and just turned three year old who never ever ever listen to anything i say but want me as soon as they do something stupid to hurt themselves that i told them not to do. my kids are my life i mean it they are EVERYTHING worth living for me. but some days it is like this and some days my hubby get home after a 14 hour shift the kids are refusing to go to bed i have been up since 6 and he says why are you so grumpy.. then i look at him like I want to pull the eyeballs from his head.. luckily he cooks and I love him.

  284. Crying with laughter… Especially the pee denial, I have a kid with that and it’s the most irritating thing ever! Thanks for the honesty, you must be a fab parent!

  285. Kara says:

    Thank you for admitting what every mom feels at some point or another! I love me kids, they are my life. But some days I just want to run away and take a vacation alone and forget about responsibilities. The closest I get is locking the bathroom door when I have to go. 😛 Oh, and I do say “I told you so,” and I tell my barely potty trained 4 year old that he needs to go to the bathroom because if he pees on the couch/floor one more time I’ll spank his butt (don’t worry, I don’t spank nearly as often as I threaten, all bark and no bite here lol).

  286. Nora says:

    Best. Post. EVER! Laughed the entire time reading it!

  287. Crazymama says:

    This was me last night! I quit at 9:30 last night but somehow I was back at it at 6am this morning!!

  288. Kelly says:

    Woo hoo tell it like it is!! I hate squishy ” oh you really can’t mean that” kind of parents….. Ugh just tell the truth it will save you a heart attack in the future. You my dear should live a long life!

  289. Marnie says:

    As a single mom, I am so incredibly overdue for a break. Work and commuting to work aren’t cutting it any more!!

  290. April says:

    I love the picture of you at 10 pm with bags under your eyes still wearing your purple dress! LOL. My fantasy isn’t nearly as lovely as your Spain one. I’d just like to be in a beautiful hotel room ALONE with blackout shades, no baby monitor and sleep for 12 uninterrupted hours! I say this as my toddler is upstairs talking instead of napping for the 4th day in a row.

  291. Monica says:

    i must be an evil mother… i make my kids watch and help as i box up toys and tell them “they are going to other kids for Christmas” …but i hear you on the week… OH! and my week included “i quit as mom and i quite as wife” it was that kinda week. the only upside….i’m part of a homeschool group and we did a mom’s night out and stayed at the dinner place WAY passed closing AAHHHH so nice!!!

  292. Autumn says:

    OMG!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! I totaly feel your pain…..except add a 13 year old to the bunch!!!! So screaming peeing toddler and pms teen …….potty training and pre algerbra!!!! Shoot me now!

  293. Laura says:

    aaaah, pretty sure we’ve all been there! For the kid that won’t go to bed (he’s 5), I usually just say, “okay, fine, don’t go to bed. but everyone else is because we’re all tired!” and then hubby and I (and the dog) really go into our bedroom, turn out the light and get in bed. Kiddo lays in the hallway for a while and sometime in the night makes his way to his bed. Success!!

  294. Sophie says:

    I seriously think all children are going crazy this week….i’ve been posting about it too. And I will fully admit to letting a couple of these slip on occasion…..

  295. Sue says:

    I completely had one of those mornings today.
    OK and a large portion of all other days…

    Interior Monologue allows me to avoid going insane ~ but thank you for validating the fact that everyone else is feeling this too!

  296. S.M says:

    OMG, this made me laugh so much I almost peed myself (I’m pregnant so I would have a valid excuse at least, ha). I have actually said to my son (turns 4 on friday), “Go to the toilet before you piss everywhere!”, because he HAS ACTUALLY pissed all over the floor and himself because he refused to acknowledge the fact he needed to go then got there too late. The pee denial thing is quite funny though when you ask them if they need to go, they say no, but dance around clawing their crotch lol. Thank you for your blog, it is like we have the same life, just in separate places. I’m about to have baby no.4, I’m obviously crazy, so it’s nice to see other people just as crazy as me ;). And I’m definitely buying your book when it’s released in the UK!!

    • Sue says:

      I wish mine even danced! Yesterday he looked at me straight in the eyes and said he did not have to go. And while he said that? Uh huh, you guessed it…

  297. Leslie T says:

    I saw told ya so all the time

  298. Julie says:

    Ugh. You and I are having similar weeks. I’ve got four kids and I wish I could say everything you want to say. I have done a fair bit of yelling (and then apologizing for mommy going cray cray). I’m about ready to drive my car into a brick wall.

    Hope things get better – for both of us…haha.

  299. courtney hennagir says:

    so needed to read this after the last week i have had!! i freaking love you! nice to know i am not alone.

  300. Amy S. says:

    Can I just say thanks for the honesty?! Thanks!!!

  301. Julie says:

    Love the “I told you so” comment. Yes. Yes, indeed.

  302. Kelly says:

    I adore your honesty!! I feel the same way at times and the guilt kills me…and God forbid you actually say it out loud. Some parents (I think they are in denial) look at you like you are the absolute worst parent in the world. In all honesty, I look very forward to my once a year momcation. Just me and MY mom out and about in the world for a week. Hmmm wonder if she thinks these things about me still?? LOL

  303. Tanya says:

    How do you stop yourself from not saying “I told you so”??? I say “Oh Honey” but I cannot help myself from expressing some version of “I told you so”…

    Backpacking in Spain sounds fabulous. Honestly, I’d like just a few hours ALONE in MY OWN HOUSE.


    • Alison says:

      I’m more of the simple “Oh honey” variety in cases like these, because your kid totally knows you told them so and rubbing their nose in it doesn’t do any good!

  304. Veronica says:

    I know the feeling Mamma, its one of those weeks here too! This time, its not just the kid, its the husband…sigh. Can I throw his laptop onto the pile of burning toys?

  305. PSN says:

    BWAH! Best blog I’ve read in a long time.

  306. Lisa says:

    Hugs and love to you! I so know about those days. I’m thankful we’re not the kind of parents who quit, even when we really want to because some actually do. You are not alone, Amber. We struggle together.

  307. magnoliachica says:

    If my cranky two-year-old wasn’t napping in the next room, I would have been laughing uproariously through this whole post. Thanks for being honest and saying what I think all parents feel!

  308. Rachel says:

    This post was so, so, exactly right on. Thank you for something to about after a really hard day.

    I find it helps to go into their rooms and watch them, all cute and sleeping and peaceful….until you realize one of them had peed in his.

  309. Angela says:

    LMAO!!! This is awesome…so glad I’m not alone! My potty-training days are over (youngest is 9, oldest is 14 & then I’ve got a 13 year old too) &, compared to dealing with teens, I look back on those years fondly! It’s so much easier to deal with daily crap when they’re still cute! 😉

  310. Madeleine says:

    Firstly – here’s a virtual internet hug from a random internet stranger (full of internet cooties, probably).
    Secondly, I know how you feel – there are days when I am genuinely proud of myself for not telling my Zeds to “shut the fuck up” and I am not a stay at home mum.
    Thirdly – the pee denial – I am SO happy you mentioned it. I am doing a sticker chart with my very nearly 5 year old even though she was fine between the ages of 3 and 4.5!

  311. Marlene says:

    Ok, your bittersweet posts usually make me cry all the time. This one has me sobbing like a mad woman. I literally freaked my family out when I sent out a text to my SO saying I was scared of how fed up I was of being a mother, not that I would hurt anyone but that I would just up and leave them one day. Of course being a man he took it literally and frantically called family members to come rescue me, lol. This post is everything I explained to him, when he called out of work, came home & took me out for some us time. I could never actually leave them. It’s just the suffocating feeling I felt when I realized there was no quitting, no ability to change my mind. I suddenly felt as if I made the wrong decision in becoming a mother, as if I didn’t deserve this opportunity that some of my friends were heart-breakingly denied of. Although I knew it was coming from a place of exhaustion. Of being sick and tired of being stuck at home 24/7 doing mommy things while their dad got the “privilege” of working outside the home & thinking how he took his adult conversations in clean clothes for granted. I still felt ashamed for feeling the way I did.It still made me feel undeserving of my 3 beautiful kids.Thank you soo much for being so transparent, especially on a place as cold on the internet.You really do help me know, and plenty of others I am sure,that I haven’t completely lost my mind..yet! 🙂

    • Danielle says:

      I cried reading this post, and I cried even harder when I read your comment, Marlene!! You worded your comment almost exactly as I would have worded my own. So glad I’m not alone!!

  312. Christy says:

    When I was a kid, I used to imagine that my real parents would show up, and these parents who made me do what was good for me would be so sorry when they found out I was really the princess of some far away land. Now that I have kids, I imagine that their real parents will show up, and I’ll get to sleep for six hours straight.

  313. Sara M says:

    I say “what I want” more often than I care to admit. We all have our days.

  314. Kristy says:

    you are my hero LOL

  315. Kristy says:

    P.S. “I told you so” has come out of my mouth a few times after I have told my kids NOT to do something or they’ll get hurt….they still don’t listen….

  316. Jaclyn says:

    Oh my god, yes. All of this.

    When Caitlyn gets hurt doing something I told her not to do, I always respond by telling her “I told you not to do dumb shit”. Then one day I was in the kitchen and I heard a bang, then she started crying. I called to her asking what happened. She responded “dumb shit”. So yup. Sometimes you just need to say what you really feel.

  317. CJ says:

    Some days I feel like I have a bucketful of patience – a never-ending supply and can ride over all life’s bumps with grace and good humour. Most days I get by without shouting at the kids TOO much. Other days, like today’s humdinger, I just want to crawl under the sofa and hide – except they’d find me. I’m with you on this one. See you in Spain!

  318. Leila says:

    Thank god I’m not the only one who actually says what I want to sometimes! I try my best, but holy crap can they be annoying, button-pushing little twerps sometimes.

  319. Melissa says:

    Oh my goodness darlin’, I am sooo SO with you. I have 5 kids, a preteen daughter( free to good home most mornings by 8 AM) and then 4 crappy boys of my own from just turned 7 down to 14 mos. Holy crap I seriously, get it. My poor husband, hahaha.

  320. woops says:

    At my lowest point, I took about three trucks (after they had been fighting incessantly over them for about 5 days straight no matter what I did, how long I took them away, etc.) and threw them into the garbage can where they unfortunately broke into unrepairable pieces. My kids were sobbing about me breaking their toys, but you know what? It made a huge impact on them and it was at least a week before they started fighting again…maybe longer:) Sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do. They learn what your limits are, and I just took the time to explain it to them once we were all calmer.

  321. Amanda says:

    I don’t know whether to laugh or cry because I can SO relate! I daydream about vacationing alone, or alone with my husband, all the time. I daydream about just being alone, in a quiet place. I daydream about peeing alone…

  322. Christina says:

    Thanks for making us all feel less alone! And yes, sometimes I do actually say those things too. The crappy part – it never feels as good as I hope it will to say them. Damn.

    And, you’re clearly a great parent since you haven’t quit and believe you can’t. I have a sister-in-law who has quit! She sucks.

    You, on the other hand…rock!

  323. neal says:

    I seem to recall a pinata post back at the start of the school year. Probably time to break some of those out and rip ’em apart with your teeth. The bonus is that it can be a teaching moment for the kids – a demonstration of therapeutic and safe ways to deal with murderous impulses.

  324. Jessica says:

    Oh thank you so much for making me laugh on this day of being (dun, dun dun dun…) HOME WITH SICK KIDS- all of the above only with extra whining and neediness if that is even possible…

  325. Brianne Birman says:

    I love this post! Been there done that! I actually laughed out loud to the kitchen knife comment,i have totally felt like that.

  326. Kayla says:

    I was actually laughing while reading this post because i can completely relate, my 3yr. old kept asking “why you laughing at the puter”. Although when my youngest does end up hurting her self after i have told her a million times(yes i swear it’s a million, or at least it feels like it) to stop doing whatever harmful thing she is currently occupied with, i do tell her “See that’s why mommy told you not to do that, maybe next time you might listen” all the while giving kisses and knowing in a few minutes i will be telling her to stop doing something else.

  327. Carrie says:

    I *love* this post. I recently snapped and told my son he was being an asshole. Granted, he’s a teenager, so I’m hoping I only go to bad parent hell temporarily. Or maybe I’m already there. 🙂

    • Marlene says:

      Once my BF Came home to me crying by myself in the room while the kids ran around the house going wild. He asked me what was wrong, obviously concerned that something horrible happened and all I could mutter was a “Them! They’re all a bunch of assholes!” It took him awhile to figure out I meant the kids, lol.

  328. Alison says:

    Amen, sister. I love how your real-life dialogue is that of an ideal mom, and yet you are totally in touch with the real human being inside of you. You may not realize this at this very moment, but you’ve got it all figured out.

    P.S. I fantasize about tossing all of the toys my 3-yo strews around the apartment at an *alarming pace* onto a huge, flaming pyre. So you are definitely not alone!

  329. woops says:

    Oh, and I read a great article once in our local paper. There was an 11 year old girl who let her friend talk her into rollerskating all through her parents newly poured concrete in the garage. When her mother asked her how she was going to fix it, the girl was flippant and sassy. The next day her mom sold all her toys at a garage sale to pay for the new concrete floor. Parents were writing in left and right about how harsh it was, but they interviewed the girl 10 years later at 21, and she said it was the BEST thing that ever happened to her. It taught her to not be so swayed by her friends, and to value other peoples belongings, feelings, money, etc. So sometimes you do need to do something drastic even if it goes against how society says we should raise our kids.

  330. Kamron says:

    What you want to say versus what you really say just shows that you are a great mom.

  331. Babe_Chilla says:

    Parenting: The Ultimate Game of Self Censorship……

  332. Laura says:

    I am dying laughing here! Your post was absolutely hilarious! I have 3 kids and know exactly what you are talking about. You have to find humor in parenting, otherwise, it’s maddening!

  333. Amy Cappelli says:

    Thank you for this! My husband is in the information technology industry and has been so lucky to have been able to quit his job when things get a little annoying at work (like having to perform mandatory ‘trust falls’ at employee team building events) only to be able to almost effortlessly pick up another job (until that one starts to suck). Let’s just say that I am very envious of his opportunities to just walk away when the going gets rough. It’s so so hard to be ‘on’ all the time with kids at home. So emotionally and physically draining.

  334. Elizabeth Beckman says:

    my 26-m-o is going through SERIOUS whiny voice stage…it is driving me so nuts, yesterday i hit myself in the forehead in front of the family. luckily, my husband laughed and said, “look what you made mommy do!” and made a joke of it, which broke the tension, but seriously there were a bunch of times last Sunday when I just had to leave the room…

  335. Kathleen says:

    When I decided I was done having kids I opted for getting my tubes tied. Once the decision was made I would day dream about the recovery time. I was going to have to stay in bed for 2 days and not lift anything more than 10 pounds etc… It’s wrong to fantasize about minor surgery isn’t it?

    • brianna says:

      Ummm, so I just had this surgery, and a hernia repair, and the staying in bed…. not so much. Oh well.

  336. SarahJane86 says:

    Love everything about this post.

    My three year old’s teeth are yellowing as a result of prematurity (lack of maternal calcium = poor enamel production. Might also be the steroids and the early doses of antibiotics). Last night her father was pleading with her to brush her teeth. I stomped into the bathroom and said “If you don’t brush your teeth, especially the back ones, the tooth fairy will steal them and you’ll never be able to eat chocolate frogs again. EVER!” and stomped back out again.

    I wonder what she’ll say in a few years when I try and convince her the tooth fairy is gonig to come while she’s sleeping and leave money.

    This, btw, is a chocolate frog: I keep a bag of twenty in the cupboard and mainline them on bad days.

  337. Kim says:

    My husband always knows when your next blog is online… just because I’m laughing at my phone;)

    Must look insane though…

  338. Jamie says:

    Oh I feel ya! There are days I fantasize about “running to the store” and never coming back.
    I’d never actually DO it, but the thought sometimes seems appealing. I know the day will come when I’ll miss all this.

  339. JNV says:

    Awesome post!

  340. MelissaS says:

    BEST. blog. post. EVER! Thank you 🙂

  341. Stephanie says:

    God if you do this what hope have us mere mortals have?

    Ps This job sucks and I quit :'(

  342. Heather says:

    This is the first time i have read any of your posts and i must say a HUGE THANK YOU! for reminding me i’m not the only mom out there who feels like giving up at times! it helps to be reminded 🙂

  343. Amy says:

    19 month old twins have taught me its sometimes easier to leave them to it! This is my life <3 x x x

  344. Amy says:

    I’m pretty sure I love you. You nail it EVERY time! :oD

  345. Stacey says:

    OMG this was me this evening (in the UK). Thanks sooo much for the laugh, really needed it!!

  346. Ginger says:

    BURN THE TOYS!!! Go ahead. Do it for all of us. And then draw a crappy picture and tell us how it made you feel. It will be like group therapy.

  347. Helen says:

    I laughed, and laughed, and laughed!

  348. Sarah says:

    Great post. If I manage to say the ‘actually said’s even 50% of the time I’m ok with that. Managing to say them at all is pretty amazing of you. my son is just about to turn 1 and I can still get away with swearing at his back and he can’t talk yet so I’m coping! He’s not a great napper so there are a lot of “shut the fuck ups” said in our house.

  349. Angela says:

    Can I just ditto everything you just said? I actually had the thought cross my mind last night, “What would really happen if I told my bawling, screaming, 6 year old to fuck off and get a grip on herself?” Yeah, yeah, the principal would be calling the next day to tell me all about her new colorful vocabulary. But I really wanted to say it.
    I am now the mother of 5 children (16,14,8,6,6) but when I was a newbie, my oldest daughter was about 1 year old, I did actually hand her to her father as he was walking in the door and I walked out the door. And I didn’t come back for a few hours. He had no idea where I went or if I was ever coming back. And neither did I. I just needed out and out NOW! I was on foot so I couldn’t go far but it felt good to just go. We now call these “mommy’s time-outs”! I guess this is the best we can do since we can’t quit.

  350. Angela says:

    A-freakin-men!!!!!! I’m currently giving myself a time out in the bathroom so I don’t go berserk on one or all of my 5 (ages 11,8,6,3 and 2). Deep breaths…….

  351. Maren says:

    Yes, yes, yes and thank you, ma’am.

  352. Dawn says:

    I know I’m super lucky in that my 2 1/2 yo son doesn’t realize he can climb out of the playpen…oh, and he still lets me put him in the play pen (which is permanently set-up in the living room.) Yes, it’s an eye sore and yes, we could really use that space, but seriously? He’s 2 1/2 and he still lets me put him in the playpen!

    If he’s having a super bad day and we need a moment apart so I don’t say what I’m thinking, well then in he goes! I pop on Nick Jr and he settles down. I can even go to the bathroom without his little fingers showing up under the door! Ahh…the little things.

  353. CZ says:

    loved this, terrified of what’s to come (have a 6 month old at home), delighted by the lack of “Well if you had only [[[insert opinion of how children should be raised here]]] you wouldn’t have children like this” or “Cherish every moment children are a blessing even when they are peeing on your floor!!!” comments.

  354. Gem says:

    This is absolutely IMMENSE!!!! I laughed out loud, a proper guffaw! BRILLIANTLY written.

  355. Sj says:

    I quit. I threw water over my 5yr old sons head when he wouldn’t listen in the bath, he said “mummy I am slapping the roof you poo head”- another bucket of water. (Hitting the roof – clearly a phrase learnt from me when saying all the things I am not meant to say). He said later that the best part of his day was school but that the worst was any and all the time with mummy. Mmm. Meanwhile I tried to leave my 4yr old daughter to have her tantrum – so i cld avoid loosing it again. Shamed by my 19 mth old son who wouldn’t go to bed without cuddling his sister better. My empathy has gone but the baby seems to have bucket loads. Think I will put him in charge tomorrow.

  356. Katie says:

    Love this post!!

    I saw this super chic pregnant girl walking hand in hand with her husband the other day…perfect highlights/makeup/outfit…and I loathed her. I muttered to myself that little does she know that she’ll rarely have the time to look that good again (even if pregnant!), or completely carefree time with the hubby, with no one to worry about besides herself! It was a rough day with my own kids and I found myself delighting in the fact that this innocent woman had no real idea what was coming!!! Awful, but true!!!

  357. mrs wormwood says:

    Ah… I have a thing, when my daughter refuses to sit down on a bus or tram, what I want to say ‘I’ve told you a million times, SIT DOWN. if you get hurt it’s your own fault’ What I actually say ‘If you fall then I’ll have to point and laugh at you’ …… wait, I’m doing this wrong.
    One time she fell so I did point and laugh, to the shock of the entire tram, Obviously she easn’t hurt, except her pride, but it still doesn’t stop her. sigh.

  358. Jessie says:

    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! And thank you for telling us that you actually do say what you want to say every once in a while- God knows I do! This is your best one yet and I can’t tell you how much I needed this. I love my boys but I don’t always like them and when I tell my husband that this parenting thing sucks he is the one that gets to tell me “I told you so” (while he was one of the most reluctant fathers ever he is a total marshmallow now and loves them to pieces but also doesn’t always like them). It also sucks being the mom because dad is cool and does awesome things with them and mom is just mean. I appreciate this more than you will know! Thanks

  359. threenorns says:

    wait…what!??? you’re NOT supposed to actually say them!???

    then wtf was all that shit about “honesty” they were blathering about in parenting class!??


  360. Becky F says:

    Ba ha! I am so having the same kind of week! I wondered today if the authorities know I am here. Because I must be being held against my will. Nobody would sign up for this willingly, right?!?! Ahhh…a laugh + nap time fixes so much!

  361. Lori says:

    I had this type of week for the last month! Baby has boycotted sleeping, oldest has decided to fight me about everything & my hubby has been playing hockey EVERY FEW DAYS!! He’s played 5 days last week! Been crazy! Oh & I tell my oldest told ya so & you’re driving me crazy all the time. Now I haven’t burnt toys but I have thrown some away recently.

  362. michelle says:

    Favorite. Post. Ever. Hang in there Crappy Mama! We all have weeks like that.

  363. rachaek says:

    Today I am having a wishing I could set fire to toys day.

    I have been told that these days will pass and things will get better………we will see

  364. Brooke says:

    I think we ALL have those days! I adore my kids, but I also call them FartFaces. It’s a trade-off.

  365. Jenna says:

    I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning and this is the first time I’ve HAD to comment. You’ve pretty much summed up my past month with my 5 and 2 year old. It’s been horrific and I actually told my husband “I quit” last night and he looked at me like I am the worst mother in the world. This is after a month of nothing but whining, fighting and crying after school and all this while dealing with a broken nose & repair surgery inflicted by the 5 year old. My post anesthesia recovery room time was the highlight of the month. Thank goodness I work 3 days a week. Work is vacation compared to home lately!

  366. Amber says:

    My best friend always asks “why are your small people being such fuckers?” … I rarely know how to respond, because I typically feel the same way. This makes me feel so much better about that 🙂 Oh, and I don’t say “told you so”…we say “bet that felt good…wanna try it again?”

  367. Rachel Blackett says:

    I’m sorry but I laughed… Alot… Mostly because I want to quit most days at the moment lol. I go crazy in this household (This is what happens when mummy can’t get out and talk to adults for several months) I am over 2 year old tantrums 20 times a day, I am over expressing milk because my 8 month old can’t take formula very well, I am over viruses going through the house (at least one a month for the last 2 years, the last month there has been 4, yes FOUR, thats one a week!!) I am over my 2 year old not listening, and being demanding, and eating all day long and screaming cause I won’t give her the 100th banana for the day (Yes I am exaggerating, but one day she had breakfast AND 3 bananas before 10. How the hell does one little person store all that!??)

    This job really does sucks. I quit too.

    And I will pee on something before I leave too

  368. Ann says:

    I am glad you wrote that you do say them sometimes… bc I was starting to think I was a bad mom for saying some of the exact phrases you used.

  369. Sharlene says:

    I am not a SAHM and I STILL sometimes say/wanna say these things! 3 year old twins (boy/girl) both potty training at the same time will do that to you.

    Glad to know I’m not alone!

  370. Kristina says:


  371. Meredith says:

    I’ve been guilty of saying “Fine, if you’re not going to pee at least stand in the kitchen. That’s easier to clean.”

  372. Joanna says:

    Thank you. I love your blog, it always makes me laugh especially about the stuff no one much admits to. I love to imagine I have a dark cupboard I crawl into and rock, with a bottle of wine.

  373. Ellen Boszormenyi says:

    This post just brightened my day significantly and made me literally LOL despite the whining children next to me. 🙂

  374. Michelle says:

    They will have crappy kids of their own one day….with their own booger murals and all. Then you can sit back with a slick grin on your face and bask in the glory of the whole circle if love 😉

  375. stephanie says:

    I often say I told you so and I also vaccuum their toys

  376. Shareen says:

    Because you said you read all the responses: thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the only thing I read on a regular basis that ALWAYS without fail makes me laugh out loud. This one is a keeper. A print out and stick on the fridge keeper. And while I am here thank you also for your lovely posts about crappy boy ‘s painted cards a while ago. I let my daughter loose with the paints a while ago and we made some gorgeous thank you cards. Off now to share this with all the parents I know. X

  377. I LOVE THIS! I RESEMBLE THESE REMARKS! Recently, dealing with my two boys, 6 and 9yo, so demoralized me that I just went to bed. Left them to be destructive. Husband came home. “Where’s Mom”? They didn’t know. Hadn’t noticed. He came up to bedroom. I said, “Horrible day. I got depressed and went to bed.” He nodded, then called friends and asked if he could bring boys over for dinner. The next day was better.

  378. Crappy Momma! I didn’t know you were from Madison! You must be my sista from another motha! I’ve never heard of your indie video store, but with a name like Bongo Video, can I wager a guess that it was located on State Street???

    I love your blog. You rule.

  379. Crystal says:

    Thank you SO much for this post!! It’s fabulous, and so true, like all your other posts. It also makes me feel a bit better knowing that I’m not the only one. I mean, I know I’m not, but sometimes it really feels that way. I have told my husband, “I quit! This is the WORST job I’ve ever had!” several times. I just told him last night I need a vacation. Alone. Not going to happen though.

  380. Carolyn says:

    My family loves the movie Date Night, and while there are lots of really funny quotes from it, the part I reference most often is when Tina Fey and Steve Carrell are talking about their marriage and any “fantasies” they have. And Tina Fey says that yes, she has some, but they involve being alone in an air conditioned hotel room, with a book and a Diet Sprite, and nobody asking her to do anything or wiping snot on her (or something along those lines!) And I SO GET THAT! Sometimes all you really want in the world is some quiet time to be alone and just drink a soda in peace.

  381. Melissa says:

    I want to be your BFF.

  382. Jen says:

    Thank you. I love you.

  383. Courtney says:

    Yesterday was definitely one of these days where I said what I wanted to and not what I should (especially the response to “I don’t like you.” Yikes! *ducks* I just keep telling myself that maybe tomorrow will be better.

    Hang in there!

  384. Kim says:

    LMAO!!! YES!!!!!!! THIS!!!!!!!! Mind you, I am not laughing at you, I am laughing with you. When, eventually, you feel like laughing again. ; )

  385. Susie says:

    I once called my husband at work and said, “The terrorists are winning.” My response to, “you can’t quit” is generally, “well then, I’m fired.”

  386. Kelly says:

    This is life!

  387. I want to give you a big hug. I’m with you with bells on – I’ve been having a couple of months like that (since hubbie lost his job and I have an extra child at home all the time). Actually I want to give you a medal because I can think of at least one occasion for each of your scenarios when I’ve said the ‘thing I’d like to say’. Especially ‘I told you so’ – I say that all the time. I’m definitely on a one-way ticket to mummy-hell in a handcart.
    I hope your week gets better and you get your vacation (or at least a chance to be in the car alone to scream loudly and then to have a really big glass of wine when you get home)

  388. Teri says:

    I think I love you! 🙂

  389. Hayley says:

    Oh my goodness, I can relate. I don’t mean to laugh at your misery, but you really made me LOL! =D

  390. Sarah says:

    Thank you for being so honest. Being a parent is so not all rainbows and sunshine. It is hard to be patient with these little creatures sometimes.
    Most days are cool, but MAN! some days, I wish I wasn’t pregnant with #2 so I could relax with a nice alcoholic beverage.
    Sending hugs (and virtual wine) your way <3

  391. Pris says:

    I’m a new fan. 🙂

  392. Nancy says:

    You know what I love about your blogs? It’s like it came from my brain. Especially this one. Word for word. You rock.

  393. Marti says:

    I send my husband I quite text messages. Just so he can enjoy the fun at home, when he is at work 😉

  394. Jane Steinback says:

    I am with you all the way. Luckily the older ones can look after the younger one so I can now go out and get a coffee to destress.
    I finally volunteered at the kids school as a Library assistant. I now get paid to work there a couple of days a week and my sanity has returned a little.

    Just know we all feel like this we just don’t always tell anyone for fear of the judgement. I am glad you posted this.

  395. Tacy says:

    Thank you! I find it fascinating that so many moms feel guilty for being honest about the fact (yes, FACT) that this job sucks donkey balls sometimes. Who are we helping by pretending that it’s all rainbows and unicorns? If I could go back to school I’d do a big ol’ fat study on it and then write an amazing thesis paper on the topic. But I can’t, partly because I’m at home surrounded by little people and also because I’m not sure if my brain is capable of advanced critical thinking anymore. It’s been victim to one too many games of Candyland. So I’ll just say BRAVO to you sister for speaking the truth!

  396. Margaret says:

    When I realized a few months in that this was the first job I’ve had that I couldn’t quit, the fear sunk in. Thanks for acknowledging it.

    Every time I fill my car’s gas tank, I say, gleefully, “Freedom is a full tank of gas!” My son (3) thinks this is silly thing Mommy says. Daddy knows better.

  397. MaryO says:

    This is my favorite post that you’ve ever done. Definitely forwarding to my husband- he had one of these weeks last week. He basically spent all week holding vomiting toddlers while I worked late closing two deals (yes, I really was working, not just hanging out to avoid the scene of destruction at home!).

  398. I tell my son and husband that I am running away to Mexico and they cheer and yell “boys night!”…not cool.

  399. Kristie M says:

    Thanks 😉

  400. Jac says:

    I have felt the EXACTLY the same times over the last few months. Exactly the same!!!

    In fact, hubby and I did quit a number of weeks ago – admittedly we took the youngest baby with us (still breasfed and less than 5 months old at the time) but we high-tailed it to a fancy forrest retreat for the night and dined on awesomeness while the other two kids stayed with the inlaws. Best. Idea. Ever.

    Now we just need the money to do it every weekend and we’d be set!

  401. Careen says:

    Best. Post. Ever.

  402. (First comment on your blog, even though I LOVE all of them and always laugh like crazy.)

    I. LOVE. THIS. I do this on a weekly basis.. but, I’m here at home.. and today is a good day 🙂

  403. Lisa says:

    Yeah, sometimes the “what I want to say” DOES indeed come flying out of my mouth. Then I realize I’ve crossed over into “bad mommy” territory, promptly apologize and try to use it as a teaching moment, “When people are angry, they should not say…”

    I adore my kids but at about 4pm every day my brain starts screaming, “I want to go home!!” As if I can retire for the night to some comforting abode, not deal with the situation anymore, have weekends off and holidays. Go home and cry in a box of pizza. I think that’s the most frustrating part of the stay-at-home gig. No holidays, no sick days and no punching out the clock.

  404. Carrie says:

    This might just be my favorite post. Ever.

  405. Daisy says:

    I could totally kiss you for making my week and making me feel NORMAL! Hell week must be happening all over. Thank you for saving me from bashing my head into the wall. I’m coming away with a few new saying to use on my Littles from all the comments! 🙂

  406. Mrs. Jenny K says:

    Me: “Don’t do that! You’ll get hurt!”



    Me: “Yup. Natural consequences buddy. Take a salt tablet and get on with things.”

    I shall win mother of the year award, I am sure of it!

  407. Robin says:

    I remember when my first son was only about a week old. I was soooo tired/exhausted/overwhelmed. And the scariest moment was when I realized this job would never end. I couldn’t quit. Don’t get me wrong. I love being a mom and wouldn’t trade it in for anything. But I know what you mean and how you feel. Have a glass of wine, call a sitter, and get away with your husband or some girlfriends. I mean overnight, like a real get away. You’ll feel better!

  408. Aubrey says:

    Oh my God! Thank you for your honesty. I knew I wasn’t alone!!!

  409. esther martinez says:

    thank you for saying this, I feel like this quite often too…. if I tell someone in real life any of this I would get flamed for it :/

  410. Marilee says:

    I needed this today, thanks! My kid is almost 2 and lately I have told my husband “I quit” with regularity. Thank goodness for box wine. 🙂

  411. Rebekah says:

    In college, I would daydream of a high-pace, stilettoed career with power to liquidate inefficient employees. Lately, I’ve tried to fire the kids, but they won’t go away.

    This post made my day.

  412. Jonathan says:

    My sister and I could be quite the pair when we were younger, and we always knew that we had crossed the line when we would see our mother just walking down the street, away from the house, barefoot. In later years she admitted that in those moments she had decided that leaving us alone in the house for 10 minutes was better than strangling us. 🙂 We all love each other dearly now, 25 years later.

  413. Kristi says:

    Yup. This week. Last week. Today. Yesterday. Tomorrow. Ill never quit but boy howdy is it tempting!!

  414. Rachel says:

    I do occasionally say “told you so” and “just go so you don’t pee on the floor!”

  415. Kate says:

    YES. Dear God, YES! I’ve actually looked at my husband during times when my boys were on my last nerve (they’re currently 2.5, and still breathing, so I guess I must be keeping my temper in check, eh?) and said those exact words: “I QUIT.” He never believes me, but yeah, I’d love to be able to flip the bird with both hands, waving, as I walk out the door to freedom. But no, I do what you do, which is walk out the front door and sit on the porch and sigh until I feel guilty enough to go back inside.

    And also, I really think “Yay! Wood toys!” is probably one of the funniest things I’ve ever read on this site. Love it.

  416. Pamela says:

    Oh, mama. BIG, huge hugs. Yep. Sometimes I do say those things, too. As for putting toys away? I don’t set them on fire (though, great idea! Why haven’t I thought of that?), but I do say, “Either you put them away, or I will”– and since like age 4, he knows what that means. My place to put them away is the trash can. I only had to do that once or twice. He’s 12 now and picks up *immediately* if I say that.

    “Are you insane” and “You little shit” just cracked me the heck up.

    Hang in there, you. We’ve all been there.

    • Pamela says:

      Now I’m reading back all y’all’s comments…and I’m truly jealous of those of you with husbands (single mom, here) and inlaws or parents (no support at ALL), older kids (nobody to watch ds so I can just…leave for awhile), that can drink wine to relax (recovering alkie/addict– substances not an option), chocolate (gave up sugar). Y’all have it EASY. I had a good day, but now I’m feeling sorry for myself!

  417. Claudia says:

    Oh my, yes. Yes, yes, yes. I speak your language, or you wrote in mine…I dunno, but it’s spot on. Thanks.

  418. Kylie says:

    Love, love, love your honesty. I imagine that most mothers feel this way so thanks for putting it out there, in a very amusing way might I add!

  419. i love you. thanks for reminding me i’m not alone feeling like this at times 🙂

  420. Christina Elahmar says:

    This is the best thing I have ever read!! You made my night. Thanks

  421. Maggie says:

    Thank you!! Last weekend I was having this fantasy that involved me wearing a “Childless by Choice” T-shirt– but you really can’t get away with sharing that out loud (very frowned upon in the mom-hood). The husband gets it, though, so I’ve started just telling him I want my t-shirt when I’ve had a bad day. 🙂

  422. Karen B. says:

    I almost feel bad for laughing… but I still did. 😉 Love this.

  423. I’ve been fighting the urge to have wine since 9:00 this morning. Piss pants, obstacle courses, and Toys R Us vomited in my living room. I needed this today. Perfection.

  424. RaeAnne says:

    Thank you. 🙂

    The ass who got your blog mixed up with that other one…. but am still reading yours instead 🙂

  425. I love you so hard for this post.

    Also, isn’t Crappy Baby somewhere in the 2.5-3.5 age range? Of COURSE you want to quit. Three year olds are monsters. They belong in boarding school. Like this:

    Here, have some wine.

  426. Kristy says:

    Mine went like this today…
    Child says “I’m hungry. What’s taking so long?”
    What I want to say “Make you own lunch then, jerk.”
    What I really say “Just a few more minutes. It’s cooking

    Thanks for sharing and letting me know I’m not the only one who calls my children names in my head!

  427. Cher says:

    Is it wrong to say I wish I had peed on a uniform… just once in my life??

    Sending love! <3

    • Rachel says:

      I’m now wishing I had thought of that when I quit working for a daycare…I have enough problems being a mom I don’t want anyone else’s kids and those evil wenches that I had to try and work with that no one else liked either 🙁

  428. joyce england says:

    Someone has been very kind and sent me your post,blog,site,rantings.I,m happily married with four grown children and four grand children.I fell in love with you today.I won,t take it any further than to write to you .If you are writeing a how to parent without killing anyone ,please let me tell you some stories to help fill the pages while you are in jail or hospital.

  429. Heather says:

    Yep – I think that hit the mark. So very true.

  430. Amanda H says:

    Thank you so much!!! This is so wonderful. A friend recommended your blog to me and I have enjoyed it so much. It keeps me going.

  431. Meg McCormick says:

    I posted this on Facebook just the other day:

    You know those movies where a kid has some crazy psychokinetic power that means everyone around them spends all their time keeping them calm and happy just so nothing will blow up? Yeah. That’s called living with a toddler.

    All of mom (parent) kind is with you.

  432. Courtney says:

    Oh my goodness, this post perfectly sums up the week I’ve had (and yes, it’s only Wednesday). Thanks at least for the laugh and the knowledge that I really am not alone in wanting to quit this gig.

    PS I totally have told the kid that won’t stop climbing on stuff “I told you so” when the fall down – again. More than once…

  433. Paula says:

    As a single mom of a 2 year old and 4 year old, I feel this way A LOT. However, your “I want to say”, I usually end up saying… I wish I could quit sometimes, too!

  434. Cassidy says:

    YES! Thank you for this. It was much needed today. I definitely do say “I told you so” all the time…LOL. The other thoughts and responses I try desperately to keep to myself. It’s definitely been a hard week here. 🙁 Please, pass the wine…

  435. Lisa says:

    I don’t want to quit; i just want to fire them from their jobs as my children.

  436. Krista says:

    You managed to capture the desperation in a way that is true *and* funny, loved it. You clearly are far from alone. I think I fell asleep just trying to scroll to the end to make this comment, ha! Anyway, just another voice out here saying “yes! I hear you!” Thanks!

  437. Nancy Williams says:

    I say we all tie the little bastards up, pack our bags and head south en masse. Who’s with me?

  438. lenore says:

    My son is 3, JUST turned 3 like last week, and he now says things like “So, how’s the work?”. He thinks it’s cute to ask everyone how work is. But he never really asks ME. He asks his father when he gets home from the office, and all of the other adults he meets. “So… how’s the work?”. And he beams at them as they go on and on, all “Oh! How polite! Thank you for asking! Well, work went ok today… it’s going well… Aren’t you a little gentleman?”. Look. I know you know I LOVE my son. But this is work too! And I would LOVE it if he would as ME, “SO, Mama, how’s the work?”. I would say, “Thank you for asking, honey. Truth be told, it has been a rough day. First my boss peed all over me, and then my boss forced me to literally wipe his ass and I got some of his steaming hot shit on me, too. And then my boss yelled at me to cook for him, and threw a little plastic plate from IKEA at me. And some letter magnets, too. And then he mauled me on the couch so he could suck on my tits a little, even though I wasn’t in the mood. And I have worked for him for 3 years now, and still have never seen a paycheck. So… yeah. It’s been a little rough. But I’ve decided to stick it out, because when he isn’t being a dick… he is a real cuddle-monkey, and is absolutely AWESOME. And thanks for asking. 🙂 “

  439. Missy R. says:

    OMG! I am dying over here! I may have just peed on my couch! As a mother of 5 I am to the point where my kids get the unedited version of what I want to say most of the time! And when I get the “I don’t like you” my favorite response is “Well I love you but I don’t like you very much right now either” But this is the best thing I have read in a really long time! You go girl!

  440. Tina says:

    This is amazing!

  441. Julie Bouf says:

    Perfect parents are boring. I think I could use this post as one of my own instead of “What I want to say” and “What I do say”, I would have to relabel as “What I -unfortunately- do say” and “What I wish I could have the patience to say”.

    On the bright side…I hear the promotion to grandparenting is totally worth the dark days of little shits.

  442. Rachel says:

    Last night I said I’m done with this…this kid is driving me crazy and I can’t do it anymore. He was whining all evening. Then I felt like a butthole because he ended up being sick and kicking me in the face all night in my bed because he was too sick and fussy to sleep in his own bed…poor baby.

  443. Jodie says:

    I love you. You have 100% MADE my day.

  444. Teri says:

    I am that grandma that’s been there/done that with 6 kids. My six kids are out of the house now with their own grown up life. My house is still dirty, but is my mess and I don’t have to pick it up every night because some child is going to get to it…the dishes are dirty because I have plenty of clean ones to spare now with an empty house. The laundry is piled up because I have plenty of clothes that are clean because I don’t have to go to parks, or play dates or get spit at or thrown up at. I bought plenty of toys for my grandkids to play when they visit me and I never pick them up until they leave…don’t care to see my clean carpet. An empty home, old age and grandkids make you see that what used to bother you in the past, does not matter anymore…that the moments of silence and quiet we all want becomes permanent as we become empty nesters. But the best is that a clean house (not that mine was ever spiffy with six kids) is never going to happen because your house is really still base camp for everyone who love to come back HOME and make a mess still and then go back to their own clean house. In the end, life has a way of coming back to bite you…and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Just when I was ready to quit, they all went to college, got married and now half of them are parents and I have a birds eye view and smile when I see them where I’ve been, doing what I have done and feeling like I did once…and I just smile…and say to myself “there is a God”. Hang in there everyone !!!!

  445. Elissa says:

    I usually actually say what you want to say and want to say what you actually say. because i suck. oh well. LOL

  446. Kim P says:

    After raising 4 girls who did nothing but scream at each other their entire adolescent, pre-teen, and teen life, I can really sympathize with you. I didn’t have any boys so I don’t know if there is a silver lining in the older years for you. I hope so.
    I also thought about quitting. There were days when that urge to hit the front door running was very strong. The only thing that held me back was the intense surety that I would be hit by a truck the minute I stepped foot past the end of my driveway.
    You know what they say about Karma.
    Instead of laying on a beach in Maui, I would be stuck on the couch in a body cast listening to them fight about which one would have to scratch my nose next.
    Getting back to Karma….My youngest daughter has 2 daughters (Haha!) and my oldest daughter has 3 daughters (HAhaha!). My 3rd daughter (the meanest of the bunch) has seen the effects of Karma and, so far, has not had any children (but she has car troubles up the yingyang). My 2nd daughter (the least troublesome of the bunch) has a son.
    Karma is now my friend.
    Payback…yea, she’s still a b!#$h and you can bet she’s stalking my daughters. Yep.

  447. Ooh your ‘what I really say’ answers were so perfect! Every one! It was like a mini lesson, but not annoying or judgmental, so I am filing away every one of those! 🙂 race you to the bathroom… Why haven’t I thought of that!
    When the boys get hurt and cry, my husband always says in an angry voice,”Who did this to you?!” And they say they did it themselves, and he just laughs.

  448. Earl says:

    I know how you feel. I have 13.5 year old that pushes every boundry every day. You are right, sometimes I just want to say ” I quit this bitch.”

  449. Meghan McRae says:

    I really needed to see this today – I absolutely wanted to quit this morning! Then we went out & I somehow forgot that I wanted to. I think the kids forgot to be horrendous & belligerent too! & after wine & chocolate this evening, life seems absolutely great again. Until tomorrow morning, that is…

  450. 1perriwinkle says:

    Circling the drain/the pit of despair is what we refer to as ‘the black hole of parenting’ 🙂 We tell all our friends, when they come out of the cute new baby bubble and start to face the reality of the foreverness of being a slave to the small people, that the black hole will threaten to engluf you many times, but that it can be over come with daydreams of another life…

    Your post was a relief, I was actually starting to worry that even though in the past you alluded to not being an A grade parent, that you secretly were but were toning it down to make the rest of us feel better! I had a friend who was an uber parent, she NEVER lost her cool with her kids or even briefly looked like she didn’t like them. She’s not my friend anymore….

  451. Keisha says:

    Omg yes! Yesterday was the day I snapped. My six year old was so mean to me all day saying how much he hated me (normally I work days but I had to stay with him because my MIL was in the hospital). I finally broke and told him I was going to run away while he was taking a nap. I said that, I’m not proud of it but I did. His responce “Prove it then.” That’s the point that I broke into tears and locked myself in the bathroom to cry. On the plus side he was super sweet for the next hour so I didn’t actually have to throw myself in front of a bus like I’d been fantasizing about….

  452. Sarah says:

    Love this

  453. Holly says:

    Just a few days ago I asked my husband if was inappropriate to tell my kids “fuck off”. He said probably so, but I thought it though! So nice to know it’s not just me.

  454. 1perriwinkle says:

    Circling the drain/the pit of despair is what we refer to as ‘the black hole of parenting’ 🙂 We tell our family/friends (when they come out of the cute new baby bubble and start to face the reality of the foreverness of being a slave to the small people) that the black hole will threaten to engluf them many times, but that it can be over come with daydreams of another life…

    BTW, your post was a relief – I was actually starting to worry that even though in the past, you alluded to not being an A grade parent, you secretly were but were toning it down to make the rest of us feel better! There are times when I seriously don’t like my children…

  455. Nicole says:

    Thank you!!! I love this. Love.

    (By the way, I believe an outstanding fine for an unreturned Bongo Video that was in collections on my husband’s credit report years ago was the one thing holding us up in the process of buying our first home!)

  456. Cathy says:

    Thank you for making me laugh!

  457. East coast mom says:

    I so relate to this blog. This post in particular. I usually start looking for “real” jobs on days when I want to quit parenting. Here’s to more crap!

  458. Lisa says:

    this totally made my day! Have per-ordered your book-now feel like I’m waiting for a cereal box prize to arrive.

  459. Wifey says:

    We all feel that way sometimes. Mine are teens now and they can be especially cruel. :'( that’s why we have wine.

  460. Jennife says:

    My toddler bit the hell out of my finger this afternoon (trying to brush your teeth, little sweetie), and I really let out a scream. This of course scared her, and then I apologized and there were lots of hugs and kisses. My finger was still numb 20 minutes later…

  461. Dannielle says:

    I love reading your blog, you make me feel human! Please don’t quit!

  462. Julia says:

    Oh. My. God. I have tears in my eyes laughing and the thing with pee on it is likely me, thanks to the incontinence my crappy kids gave me LMAO!! Ohhh, it’s just so good to know we all suffer and snap sometimes. Makes it so much easier to keep from saying some of the worse examples of “what I want to say.” You should also know that while typing this I am giving instructions as to which direction to shoot the bouncy ball from the catapult so as to cause the least amount of damage… better go…

  463. Jessica says:

    Long time reader, first time replyer: THIS IS MY FAVORITE POST EVER!!!!! Thank you for the laughs!

  464. Meg says:

    Without reading all 539 comments, you are not alone. As they say, it will get better. Here…have a hug, a glass of wine and a box of Kleenex. When they get older you can tell them to fuck off but always add ‘but I love you”. Plus you can actually run away without worry that someone will call the police on you and take your children away.

  465. Claire says:

    I’m so, so, so happy it’s not just me. Thanks for being real, but making it funny at the same time.

  466. Dawn says:

    Before I had kids, I used to fantasize about hot guys and traveling to cool places and all the wonderful things I was going to do with my life.

    Now, my most fervent wish and fantasy is to go live for a month with no children, just doing what I want when I want to, without three pairs of eyes watching me while I pee, or using my college diploma which really should have been far enough out of reach for a snot rag, or deciding their idea of a fun toddler tickle time includes kicking me in the face and giving me a black eye, or getting SIX FRICKIN PEARS OUT OF THE FRUITBOWL AT THE SAME TIME and taking one or two bites out of EVERY SINGLE ONE. AAAAARRRRRRGHGHGHGHG!

    Yes, I too have had one of those weeks. I quit.

  467. Laura says:

    it has been a sucky week….please start passing the kool-aid. I wasn’t ready for it yesterday, but today, BRING IT ON!….or a nap. A nap would be very nice.

  468. Sarah G says:

    I think you may be a little frustrated! Haha I have read your blog forever and trust me YOU ARE A GREAT MOM! Never doubt it Miss Amber and if it helps we really did just bag up toys that weren’t getting picked up. Next day they still don’t notice. Maybe a bonfire would help!!

  469. Laura says:

    Thank you thank you thank you for this post today. Of course I probably shouldn’t have ready it while my little darling angel babies were prancing around begging for me to tell them what was so funny. What I didn’t say was, “I’m dreaming of a Barbie shoe bonfire you little shits.” Though, today, I probably have earned it 😉

  470. Wasana says:

    I’ve never read your blogs before but lady, you’re hilarious! I also don’t have I’d be lying if I said I understand what you’re going through… But I must admit… They seem to give you great material/inspiration! XD

  471. Yasmin says:

    I actually said this to my husband the other day, I’m phoning to hand in my resignation, I’m going to leave and work my way round the world, hopefully ending on a beach in Goa. He just laughed and said I wouldn’t make it past the hour without them. The horrible part is I couldn’t. But that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I feel like jumping out of the upstairs window with frustration!

    I put everything into making those girls lives damn near perfect, and sometimes just a gold star (or some other jewellery type stuff) would make it seem like I was a bit appreciated.

    p.s. Not bitter, really.

  472. Sarah says:

    Loved this! For me it is the daily 25 minute poop my four year old takes at which my up close attendance is required. I swear he goes out of his way to do it in the most disgusting public restroom he can find. He also insists on taking off all his clothes to do his business in this revolting bathroom. This was not helped by a recent Daniel Tiger which educated him on there being bathrooms everywhere you go. Now he wants to test them all. Ugh.

  473. Sheindal says:

    What did parents do before they had the internet to vent on?! I’d go loopy if I couldn’t say some of it on FB…though when I do my mum comments like we have it so easy nowadays…(Have you ever asked your parents generation what they did in these situations?) (Did they feel guilty for smacking, when it wasn’t verboten?)

    …and like everyone else, I say what I want to far more often than I should. Before having children I was sometimes marvelled at for calm in the face of (for example, Executive Director) storms. Just as well they made me redundant while I was on parental leave, cos compared to 10 or even 5 years ago, I now swear more in a week than I would have done in a year…

  474. hannah says:

    OMG. I needed this today. Died laughing. Much needed laughter. 🙂 <3

  475. Stephanie henzi says:

    I LOVE THIS!! I have felt those exact things often. I have said them too (just not as much as I have thought them).

    I mistakenly showed this to my husband who was shocked that I would think such things. Well, coming from the man who is gone (day and overnight) for 4-5 days a week, he just doesn’t have a clue. I felt a little bad for feeling this way…..but I have over 600 MOMS who feel the same way! Thanks to you all for making me feel normal!!

  476. HS says:

    Yes! I so feel ur pain. My 4 yr old has discovered back talking. I don’t sugarcoat anything I say to him though lol!

  477. Becky K says:

    All I have to say after reading this is thank you. I love you!

  478. Kali says:

    I never really knew what patience meant until I became a mom.

    Stay strong, Amber! If I may say, I don’t think it hurts to let them see how you really feel sometimes. I actually think our generation of parents do kids a disservice by allowing so many irrational things kids do to be “okay” on some level by responding so compassionately.

  479. Jocelyn says:

    I hear ya. There are so many times where I’ve had to override my thoughts with words that I read from books with titles like “Polite Comebacks to Say to Your Kid When S/He’s Being a Jackass”. Unfortunately, I have yet to find a comeback for my 4-year-old daughter’s new favourite thing: covering her ears and saying “La la la, I can’t hear you!” when I tell her not to do something. (My current comeback is “Please stop. I don’t like that.” which is met with “La la la, I still can’t hear you…”)

    As for escaping, this reminded me of the comedy flick Date Night where the mom (played by Tina Fey) is surprised that her husband (played by Steve Carrell) thinks her biggest fantasy is to be with another man. Her big fantasy? To escape to a hotel, even just for a night, to be alone. With room service.

    • S says:

      Re. Your daughter – she’s just being selfish. You could play along with her game, e.g. “Oh good, that must mean it’s ice cream time for me!” And go straight for it. And she has to be nice to you if she wants to join your Ice Cream Time.

      Re. Date Night fantasy – yes! So true.

  480. I feel your pain. It’s the toughest job you’ll ever love for the first 3 months and then can’t ever quit for the rest of your life. No pay, no vacation, no retirement plan.

    My advice for making it a bit easier? Next time he won’t put the toys away — gather them up and give them away to “the kids who have no toys and would be happy to have something to put away when their mommy asks.” You really only have to do it once. It’s tough, but effective. Make sure he sees you carry the stuff out to the car.

    Of course, you don’t actually have to give them away. You can put them in a closet and 6 months later, they’ll be brand new toys he’s never seen before. Me, I actually do take them to the consignment store or the Goodwill. Trust me, there is always plenty left for them to leave on the floor. But they rarely do because they know it will actually and truly disappear. I try not to repeat myself. It undermines your authority, and really, the repetition is what wears a mom down to a nub. The repeating.

  481. Michelle says:

    +1. I hear you.

  482. Mari says:

    Thank you for being kind enough to all of us parents to post this. Love it!

  483. rchen says:

    Oh thank you so much for this! I am weaning my 16 month right now and I don’t know who is crying more, me or him. Meanwhile my helpful advice is “He’s 16 months old.”

  484. Kathleen says:

    So been there! I now have a weekly night out – just me. I do whatever I want to WITHOUT KIDS. It has literally saved my sanity. Hubby gets a night out too.

    BTW I loved the bonfire! I used to have an amicable relationship with Lego’s. Until my kids got some. I tell my kids that if they don’t put them away and I “accidentally” suck them up with the vacuum I’m not going to dig them out of the canister. The dark truth is I’m almost gleeful hearing one get sucked up. One less tiny foot mine in the house!

  485. Beth says:

    This was me last week. I did tell them (all five of them) “Well I don’t like you EITHER” and I’m pretty sure I told at least one of them to “f*** off” at one point. I’m unsure because that particular day is a blur of tears and shouting. And My Little Ponies. But no-one peed on anything. That was a BAD week. It helps to know I’m not alone (ever, in fact, but that’s not what I meant). Just have to go and light a bonfire…

  486. Leanna says:

    Ok it gets better. NOT!!! Didn’t your mom recently move close to you? This is what my hubby and I do now that we are helping to take care of his 81 year old mother along with raising our 13 & 9 year old boys. We get in the car just the two of us to run an errand you know get our Bountiful Basket at the crack of dawn or run to the grocery store or Target so we can be alone. I look at the gas gauge and say damn not enough to run away or I say let’s go and not come back we have a full tank, I have credit cards.

  487. Amy Thompson says:

    I got nothin’. I have an Ikea futon-couch thingy, so under the couch cushion are wood slats, which don’t really hold anything. But I still wanna win!

  488. Johanna says:

    Last fall I was at my breaking point and checked into Deerfield Spa (East Stroudsburg, PA) for 4 nights. After booking it I was all “fuck you hubby and kids!”, then I was worried about the kids, and half of the 2 hour drive I cried out of guilt. But it was a beautiful 4 days of someone cooking for me, sleeping in ’til 8, room service, hot tubs, yoga and hiking… but the best was using the bathroom ALONE! I cried on Day5 as I left their parking lot.

    I highly recommend the place (they even kept my pumped breastmilk frozen as I used the time to wean).

    I still dream about finding a daily menu under my dinner plate.

  489. Megan says:

    Thank you sooooooooo much for this today. Just – thank you. And I pre-ordered your book ages ago. Feel any better?

  490. My 4-year-old says, “I HATE YOU!” at the most minor setback (spilled cereal, can’t peel an orange by himself). I said out loud, “I hate you, too!” once, and I could just see his face crumple. “You… hate… me?”

    I picked him up and hugged him but he kept asking for a couple of days. “Why you hate me? You going to stay living at our house?” It was heartbreaking.

    Now I say, “I love you enough for the two of us… but I’m really bad at it!” And I pick him up upside down and kiss his knees while he dangles. Works great!

  491. Amy says:

    I do occasionally quit. My husband comes home, I give him his requisite few minutes of re-homing time, and then I leave. I usually don’t actually leave the house, but that’s only because there’s nowhere to go in this town. But I’ll at least go lock myself in the bedroom with my iPod and a book, and I don’t come out until I have to give the little turds hugs at bedtime. Quitting once in a while is good for the soul. Do it.

  492. Judy says:

    My favorite part was the end when you admitted that you sometimes do say what you’re thinking. Up until then, I was feeling really bad about myself that I sometimes do, too (especially when they injure themselves ignoring a safety warning or when they say they hate me. I have on occasion said back, “I’m not real fond of you right now either.”). I feel better now knowing I’m not the only one who gets really frustrated sometimes.

  493. Comadrona says:

    I look back now (I am nearly an empty-nester) and I love those days. I so love the company of my kids that having them leave home one by one has been hard, especially the son who lives interstate. But I do remember the relentlessness of the toddler days and I hope to be able to help my kids when they have babies because I never had any help at all. I think that is part of the reason we Westerners often have such a hard time parenting – because it is just us with no other adults to take the pressure off once in a while. “It takes a village…” is no word of a lie!

  494. Carrie says:

    Truth 🙂

  495. Name withheld just in case says:

    My daughter is a sophomore in college. She has her first apartment, so she doesn’t come back home for more than a weekend or for holidays. I sometimes miss her fiercely. But honestly? While I feel so grateful and fortunate that she is happy and responsible, and I love when I do get to see her, I also feel this immense relief that the hard part is done. Because it is damned hard when you’re living it. And right now, I can nap, eat dinner standing over the kitchen sink at 10 p.m. if I feel like it (and when I say “dinner” I mean a microwaved burrito sometimes), and well… spontaneity is back in the marriage, hallelujah. ; )

    Now? Now I just can’t wait until she has one of her own a few years down the road, because THAT is the only way they ever really understand what parents go through. That’s when the apologies replace the “I’m going to be nicer to my kids!” [cue door slam] And while I’ll be thinking, “I TOLD YOU SO,” I will be soothing and say, “It’s so hard sometimes, isn’t it?” and offer to babysit for a night.

  496. Eva says:

    Oh my gosh, I completely identify!!! More than once I have wished that I could just quit (okay when I say more than once, I mean more than once a week). I too have sat on the front step crying my eyes out. And I too have sometimes let those things that I want to say slip out, which of course makes me feel worse!! I also have never actually set fire to the toys, but I did once go so far as to put all the toys on the floor into a garbage bag and told the kids if they didn’t take them out and put them away they were all going to the thrift store.
    I wish I was 20 years out and had some words of comfort or wisdom, but all I can say is, you are not alone, I am mentally pulling for you, and good luck!!!

  497. You’re blog is awesome and this is the best post ever! Love your work 🙂

  498. Carla says:

    She has just weed on the floor twice this morning. This post was perfect.

  499. Glad to see that I’m not the only one in this. I promise you those “Crappy Pictures” speak volumes about what goes on with my toddlers daily.

  500. mary low says:

    I love your honesty! you are not alone…. hang in there!!! I hv 2 monsters of my own….

  501. Drunk Dad says:

    More drinking, less bitching!

  502. Mimi says:

    Ohmugosh. Seriously. I’m glad I’m not the only crazy one! Hahaha! My 3.5 year old son makes me want to run away on a daily basis.

  503. shanna says:

    I’ve always enjoyed your blog, but now I think I love you. It’s like you’re in my head. I love my daughter so very much but I fantasize about running away more often than I like to admit.

  504. j says:

    Hey! I went to Madison too and I remember bongo video! When were you there? I was there from 99-03!

  505. You are a way better parent than I am. But then again, you don’t have two teenage boys who smell bad (just wait — doesn’t matter if they shower, and when they overlay that pong with axe for men…ugh! Just close the door and walk away). I may overtake you in parenting goodness then. But only because I have one child and you have two. Don’t feel bad. You don’t suck, and eventually they want nothing to do with you, so you can cry in the bathroom, in a bubblebath with some wine. It’s as close to a vacation as you’ll be able to afford. Oy. I hope I’m not depressing you. You rock and I totally want to win that contest tomorrow. Choose me.

  506. Al says:

    I just put my 2 year old down for a nap after 1/2 an hourly trying. I’d say “go to sleep” she’d say “no!” She was tired and cranky but wouldn’t go to sleep! Finally I snapped and said no more Minnie Mouse toys until you nap and I put all her beloved Minnie toys in the office. She cried for 15 minutes. Then I cried when she fell asleep! I really needed this post. Thank you!

  507. Angela says:

    Wait until they turn 8. They start throwing all the things you ever regret saying right back at you. Wine doesn’t work anymore. You’ll need to bring out the scotch for these special moments.

  508. celeste says:

    Pure and shining truth. I would like to officially nominate you for Mother of the Year. Do I have a second?

  509. Sheilagh says:

    You are spot-on with this one! Oh, my, I can relate. I always have two dialogues running simultaneously…the one I say out loud, and the snarky one that is just dying to get out!

  510. Mandy says:

    Amber, after all these years, You still ROCK!!!!!

  511. Darzoni says:

    I seem to remember my parents deciding the solution to the toys everywhere problem was to take them away and only give them back when we did chores.

    Though I might be misremembering, as we didn’t have many toys in the first place…

  512. Tegan says:

    This made my day! Thank you! Lol. Your not alone!

  513. There are reasons I’m no longer a SAHM, and these are it. I can’t quit being a mom, but I can take an 8 hour break from it 5 days a week! Ha! I’ve gotten to the point now where I do say many of these things, although I do have to phrase some things carefully. I have an Autisitic daughter who will take things literally. So I have to be careful about the use of non-literal language.

  514. I'm taking the fifth says:

    This is hilarious! You’re my new hero!

  515. THANK YOU for this post. I thought I was the only one. Seriously.

    On my most challenging (a.k.a. shittiest) days I threaten my kids with going back to work.

    It goes like this, “Do you WANT me to go back to work? Cause right now I’d really like to zone out at the bench and get a break.”

    If they’re listening, they start being sad and begging me to stay with them, that they need me, which melts my heart of course. If they’re not listening, I just go to the little place in my head of that peaceful, happy job in my imagination.

  516. Rachel says:

    I snapped on Saturday. I told hubby I was off duty and went out with a friend for 3 hours. I felt much better after that. Lest you think this rude to hubby, he could sense where this was going earlier in the week and suggested I go out with a friend. So he was cool with it.

  517. Gaby says:

    Perfect. Exactly.Thank you.

  518. bwerrell says:

    Your post and pictures sum up the entire first 10 years of my daughter’s life. I am happy to tell you that both of us actually LIVED THROUGH IT, and my marriage is still intact, too! My daughter is now almost an adult and ….(wait for it)….

    I actually LIKE her now!!! So hang in there everyone!!!!

  519. CJ says:

    Yes. This.

  520. Janet says:

    I actually had one of those moments last week. Except when Miss 4 yelled “Mum, he’s hitting me”, instead of stopping the two year old, I calmly replied “well hit him back”. oops. It probably wasn’t really worth it for the fight that followed but it did feel good at the time.

  521. Brad says:

    Plus, in 10 years a child psychologist will “prove” that the “I Quit” methodology is actually the “correct” way to parent, so your young adult kids will be able to tell you you were… crappy parents!

  522. Jackie says:

    I’m impressed with the things you actually say. When my kids tell me they don’t like me, I say, “That’s ok. You don’t have to like me.” Sometimes I add, “I love you but right now I don’t like your behavior.”

  523. Melissa D says:

    Impeccable timing- right now my 11 year old is “starving” because he didn’t want to eat dinner that he has never tried but knew he wouldn’t like (noodles and chicken- lots not to like there.)

    Ah, some days…

  524. Melissa says:

    This is my life too! This week has been especially fun – sick, clingy 2 and 3 year old plus 2 month old in a nursing growth spurt plus trying to get ready to sell our house for a job relocation. Oh and I’ve got the kids’ cold too of course. Does not inspire patience on my part. The fits over the 3 yr old girl going to the bathroom have got to be the worst!

  525. Jackie says:

    I saw on tv where one mom would tell her children not to do something. If they continued doing it after her warning them to stop, so they wouldn’t get hurt, and then actually got hurt they were not allowed to cry. If they cried they got a spanking, for crying. It worked in her household. If they didn’t stop what they were doing and got hurt they would do the best they could to go to their rooms while trying not to cry within Mom’s hearing distance. They kids were a little older than yours, though.

    • S says:

      I disagree with that parenting-style, if only it may mean the kids learn not to take their hurts and pain to their parents. So when the kids really need help to navigate teen and young adulthood, they hide it from their parents. Like I did.

  526. Melissa says:

    OMG I love all of you!!! Thank you for making me laugh and feel like I am not alone!

  527. Thank. You. This was AWESOME and made my night. Perhaps because I opened the email just after my daughter was screaming at me to go away (among other things).

  528. Nichole Hahn says:

    I’m so glad I made it to the end where you mention that sometimes you do say the things that you want to say, because I am that mom that actually always says those things. I was feeling like a horrible parent for a minute there! I can so relate!!

  529. Colleen says:

    Love this! Only when my kids were little I would say the things I wanted to say, not the things you listed that you really said. I was a bad Mom!

  530. sas says:

    Oh I’ve had some real nasty parenting moments in my life…. I went from being childless to instant step mom to a ten year old boy with adhd who’s mother allowed him to walk all over her and do as he pleased including disrespecting anyone he chose too. His father and I were on top of that list.
    Two weeks into my marriage hubs and I found ourselves in the middle of a DCFS crisis and taking in our 7year old nephew who had severe psychiatric issues, depression, adhd, bipolar Disorder, reactive/attatchment disorder… Etc.
    I found myself bombarded with stressful situations that made absolutely No sense whatsoever such as a child so obsessed with death and dyeing that he was afraid To go to school… Not for the fear that he wouldn’t Return but that I would die before he came home. So yes I’ve found myself thinking off the wall things such as this, and even saying things such as… (god I hate to admit) “I swear to fucking god if you force yourself to puke on your plate ever again!…..” ugh the disgusting behavior I endured… Thank god that learning curve is over

  531. Pam says:

    Yep. Been there. And this is why I actually think being a working mom is easier than being a SAHM. For all the crazy of doing both (and it’s a lot), I get my 40 hours a week of separation to help reset my sanity.

    Granted, I still never get any ‘me’ time. That is a fantasy for when he’s in college 🙂

  532. Jennifer J says:

    I had to stop reading, and just scroll, and it still took forever to get to the bottom of the page. I’m not laughing; tears are just running down my face. I have been a mom for 32 years – six children – the last one turns 18 in May. I have had a daycare for four years – often with nine to eleven children. My #4 kid is taking over the daycare this year. I get to move to a place that belongs almost entirely to me (just the 18yo, and she is gone in the summer). I have never lived alone in my life, and the prospect is wonderful. Nobody in the bathroom with me. No runny noses to wipe (we go through four boxes of Kleenex a week!). No daily sink of plastic dishware to wash. No kid snacks to buy. Nobody dumping my $20 bucket of bathsalts all over the bathroom floor (just happened two days ago). No kid mess in my car! I will be able to shower or bathe every day, if I want to. I might even be able to stop wearing shoes in the house, because there won’t be toys to step on and hurt me. I have said almost every “bad mom” thing on your list, although I have said all the “good mom” things, too. I think you are an amazing woman, and an amazing mom. If it weren’t for the internet, you would have to do stand-up comedy. Thank you for allowing all of us to spill our emotions from time to time. You know, if we keep them bottled up, we would all explode, and who would clean up that mess??

  533. Nicole R. says:

    I really wanted to read all the comments…but there is ALOT. So here is my comment. Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one whose son tells them to “go away”. My 3YO son does this so often…for a year or so and it is killing me inside. Somedays I just want to cry because it hurts so much. So thank you for letting me know, I’m not the only one.

  534. Heather says:

    What’s that clunking noise behind me – oh, it’s my *ss, I actually laughed it off – Superb! I don’t know what it is but there’s something extremely funny about the thought of just saying the same thing to your child as you would say to anyone else who’d annoyed you as much as they just did! Yup, this parenting thing can totally suck when you can’t take even those few seconds off from teaching them to behave properly. LMAO!

  535. Alice Rudin says:

    Thank you for being you, and blogging about it.

  536. Jen says:

    Totally with you all.

    I have a safety gate in the kitchen (read glorified dead end hallway off of dining room). it’s MINE. I go in there and smash dishes in the sink and wipe benches down my teeth gritted while 2and a half year old wails for mommy to play trains/books/cars/whatever suddenly is order of the day. Just wish I could erect a sound barrier…

    As to toys though – get a real good childcare gig. I found one through occasional care. I gave up two different offers of perm care, waiting out for a place. And now I totally ride their coat tails. I know how lucky we are! Today I was in the kitchen grimly making myself coffee or die, and there was new wailing – because, would you believe it, he was trying to quietly put the play dough and cutters away, but the rolling pin had fallen out of the box.

    I may have tried to trach that, but it was definitely not me who got the lesson through.

    But, Oh the guilt… Cept if course he melted down again 10 min later, being “too big” for any nap.

  537. Amanda says:


    You’re awesome, this is the best blog of all time, seriously.

    The phrase, “for fucks sake” is said in my head about 100 times a day dealing with my 3.5 year old and 1.5 year old boys. I don’t *think* I’ve said it out loud.

  538. Natalie says:

    Do we share the same brain? I have walked out the door seconds after my husband walks in and just wanted to keep going. I have imagined the backpacking in spain thing myself. The bad days really really suck.

  539. Nicole says:

    This really made my day, my week, my month, & maybe my year. I’ve been struggling w a lot of these same emotions, even to the point of feeling like a bad parent/mother. This has really made me feel like I’m not all that crazy. I think as moms and parents we feel like we have to put on a good front. None if my mommy friends seem to have the same issues I deal w daily. Thank you for bring so honest. If nothing else you’ve made a difference in me w this

  540. ACsMama says:

    I’m feeling this way as a teacher right now – unfortunately I can’t quit because we need the money 🙁

    I wanted to quit parenting the other day when munchkin bit me and left a bruise. Thank you for the honesty – it had me laughing and crying and snort-giggling all at the same time.

  541. Jessica says:

    Amen… I feel so much better after having a laugh! Hope you are enjoying your wine too!

  542. Jessica H says:

    This is the first post I’ve read by you….and now I can’t stop! I think we live parallel lives! I was literally reading your post as my son was doing the TV squirmy shake dance. “Do you have to go potty?” “NO. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.” “I know you have to go potty. I will hit pause on the TV. Now GO. 5….4….3…2” Yeah, you’re awesome for making me feel better that my son is not the only one!!

  543. Matilda says:

    Yeay! Finally a mom out there that admits to it LOL I am not alone! Thanks for sharing I have these moments all the time but I do try to hold back the feelings. Sometimes words come out that aren’t so nice but hey we are human right?

  544. Wendy M. says:

    My friend and I have had conversations over which would be a better way to get away from the kids…a brief stint in prison or a non-life threatening illness requiring hospitalization.

  545. I’m not a Mom, so I probably should keep my mouth shut, but you know how that goes. I was, however, raised with lots of kids and family around, and, of course, I have an opinion whether Mom’s think it is valid or not. That said. Here goes:

    Why not “burn the toys” once in a while? If they are not going to respect you, why do you have to train them to continue doing that, by being so nice to their bad behavior? You don’t really have to literally burn them. Just put them all in the attic, and return them one by one, as a reward for cleaning up after themselves. You don’t have to shout, or even tell them what is going on. Let them notice that if you clean up the toys, they disappear. If they clean up the toys, they can use them again another time.

    If he says he can’t eat. Make sure he is not sick, then walk away and put his food in the fridge. Feed him when the next meal time shows up. He won’t die from missing a meal that he refuses to eat, anyway. Be strong. He’ll get hungry. Let him know that you respect what he says, and that you expect him to respect what you say.

    If he says hateful and hurtful things, why are you letting that behavior continue? Wash his mouth out with soap and tell him he needs to clean up his act. As soon as he can keep his mouth clean himself, he won’t have to worry about you cleaning it for him.

    You’ve made your kid into a bully. He is bullying you and he will continue to bully others. You may have to be a steam roller for a while to put a stop to it. When he behaves you can coo and cuddle and love on him as is appropriate and he will learn that to get your attention all he has to do is be civilized.

    OK. Let the shooting down of this opinion, begin!! LOL

    • No. Just no. says:

      Yeah, before I had kids, I had all these same ideas. Sorry, being around the kids of others, even if you live with them, is not the same as being the parent. It’s just not. Stop judging.

      Also, kids are not “bullies” simply because they don’t sit perfectly still and speak only when spoken to. They are kids. Beating them into submission doesn’t make them into better human beings. My parents parented in the way you suggest, with the soapy mouth and all that BS, and while my siblings and I were well behaved on the outside, it was out of fear and nothing even close to respect. None of us had a relationship with our parents beyond the age of 20 or so.

      There’s really nothing worse than a non-parent telling parents that they’re doing it wrong. You have no idea.

      • Toni says:

        oh yeah

      • No body said you should “beat them into submission” — simply being mean or cruel is not the point. No one expects kids to sit still and never be heard from, again, either.

        Bad behavior is bad behavior and would not be tolerated in other circumstances. Can you imagine acting that way on the job? Why tolerate it at home — just because they are small?

        A bully is a bully no matter what their age is. Not all kids are bullies when they act up, but when you can see one being created, why not speak up about it? The kid being described here is being allowed to become a bully, and this kind and caring mom is not pointing out to the culprit that this is NOT OK. She simply re-directs, and then has to do it over and over again, to her own frustration. She is being manipulated at every turn. That is what this post is about: Mom’s frustration. Which is most obviously, very real.

        If what she has been doing is not working, a different tactic might work better for both of them. And respect does work in both directions — as you learned the hard way, from parents who were bullies.

        If she is not respecting what her kid says, as if it is real, she will never teach them that what they say and how they act makes a difference in, not only the lives of those they live with, but in there own, as well.

        And I AM speaking from experience, just not as a parent. I was the kid. Never having had the experience that what I said, meant anything at all… Never being taught how to behave properly, and to be respectful, and even friendly, will hamper and affect their entire lives.

        Actually, I think what she has been doing should be continued, she has been a model of patience and caring, but some situations call for sterner measures. If you occasionally take the stern steam roller road, those times where patience is modeled will be more effective — because they know there is another side to Mom, that should not be tampered with.

    • amber says:

      “I’m not a Mom, so I probably should keep my mouth shut”

      I always stop reading after openers like this.

    • Shenelle says:

      You know when you have to start a comment with “I’m not a mom but,” You should probably just stop right there!
      “Bully” my ass! He’s a kid! They all do it, if they do it when they are 10, that is bullying. If they do it as a toddler, that is called normal. Kids talk very open and literal at that age. That’s why they say things like, “Your belly makes a good pillow Mom, it’s all squishy!” (Thanks you little bitch! I just had your sibling two months ago! Give me a break!) Or tell the teller (who is a teenage boy!) at the grocery store that “the baby eats milk from Mommy’s boobies!”. It’s also why they do things like pick their nose and eat it. They are learning what is appropriate and what is not!

    • Alison says:

      I was a much better parent before I had kids, too.

      • I just knew that none of you would give any credence to an outsider, but, really, you might want to think about not letting the kids rule the roost at any age. You are not doing them any favors.

        • Adrienne says:

          Marcia, think about your job. Let’s say I walk in, grab one tiny piece of your self-described work, and say “oooh noo, Marcia…all wrong. Now, let me explain..”. How much credence are you going to give me? It’s not about you being an outsider. It’s about all of us having our perspective altered after entering an experience we too judged PLENTY from the outside before we got here. First thing you learn when you become a parent, or even become pregnant (or really–any big life change?), if you’re lucky, is this: Save the critique. You don’t know shit about challenges in other people’s lives….and thus, you don’t know shit about solutions to those challenges.

          Just to offer one more example, a coworker of mine was ranting one day about her experience at an art museum. “This lady had, like, 3 strollers and kept parking them right in front of each painting! I was like, can’t you be a little more considerate? Or just don’t bring your kids to a place like this?” And I thought, you know, a few years ago, I might’ve had the exact same thoughts. But now all I could think was “that poor woman was probably just hoping to survive and get through the museum without any major catastrophes, AND it was probably the first time she’d been out doing something soul-satisfying for her in weeks, maybe months…so brave.”

          • Adrienne, your response was refreshing, respectful, and well thought out. Thank you. It makes perfect sense. I probably would be upset, too, if someone did that to me at my work, but that would not necessarily make that other person’s point of view absolutely and completely invalid. I believe that sometimes the view of someone who is not stuck in the problem can shed a little light in a way that was not noticed from the inside. I know that I have, from time to time, been enlightened by an “outsider.” And I can also see how an “insider” would hold more credence for other insiders. I just hope that particular Mom finds a better way than the one she illustrated.

            The coyote story (where the Mom, just picked up and left for a day) was actually quite productive. The kids saw that they had to do something different, because Mom did something completely out of character and unexpected. She taught them a lesson, that even her grand children remember. Kudos to her!! I bet there were no little bullies at her house!!

        • No. Just no. says:

          It’s not a matter of being an outsider. It’s a matter of being a self-righteous know-it-all.

          When my daughter was taking Driver’s Ed, she became ultra-critical of my driving. It was hilarious. Two months after she got her license, she had a (thankfully minor) accident. You don’t know what you don’t know, because your limited experience is just that… limited.

          If you ever have kids, you’ll find a lot of your parenting theories flying out the window. It happens.

    • S says:

      Yes. This is totally what I would do. In a relational way, and not confrontational. As a teaching moment. The kid has to learn consequences, and daycare says he’s very good at learning about consequences.

      And one consequence of me (mostly) sticking to my word, and doing unto him, is that he does listen to me (sometimes) when I explain why he oughtn’t do things like kick me in the head.

    • Melly says:

      These people are my favourite! You know the ones-awesome parents without actually having the kids. Oh and the ever so important ‘well I grew up around a lot of kids, I babysat a lot, I’m a teacher, daycare worker etc..”
      The best part is when they do have kids and realise they knew fuck all-and all their self righteous ideals and ‘I will never do’s’ fall right out the window!
      I really wish I could be a fly on the wall to see how wondeful they turn out when they become a parent who actually has kids!

  546. Laura says:

    And Crappy Momma thought we were going to shoot her down – HA! I’ve had the week from hell, and your post just saved my kids lives 🙂 For that I’m sure they are grateful! Thanks for the awesome post!

  547. Tracy says:

    Hate to rain on the parade here, but try doing this with a special needs kid. Count your blessings, friends. Their shit = normal.

  548. Stevie says:

    Thank you for keeping it real. I get so annoyed with the parents that pretend they love every minute of this gig. Yes, it has HUGE rewards, but heck, it. is. freaking. BRUTAL! I “quit” at 2:30pm today. I put in my pajamas and drank my lunch because I just couldn’t take anymore. I know that tomorrow is a new day (hopefully)….,I just hope it doesn’t include a two hour tantrum and my youngest screaming ” my begina hurts” repeatedly at Target. Cheers to parenthood!

  549. milessa says:

    this is one of the funniest things that i have seen in a long time!!!

  550. Tiffany says:

    What they said ^. This post, were it mine, could also be called, “Why I have one child.” But also, when I was ~12 or so, my mom put all my clothes and toys in big black garbage bags while I was at school. She had been asking me to clean up for ages and I guess got so pissed off that she decided to throw it all out. She said anything still in a garbage bag or not tidied by the next day was going. I believed her.

  551. Kathleen says:

    This was funny! With 2 little ones at home & 20 in the classroom, there are many times I want to quit. However I do speak my mind to my daughter. I don’t use the swear words I let fly with my friends however I say when I’m getting frustrated & I tell my 4 year old to stop it which I’ll do with my 1 year old. I really like what SpiritHealer said & it’s so true. Tell them what’s what & absolutely follow through. My kids aren’t perfect but I think being stern from the start helps because they know what to expect and I don’t have many behavior issues (so far!).

  552. Rebecca says:

    I think Jan-March are the absolute hardest to parent little ones unless you live in Hawaii or Florida. Love your posts. Thank you for keeping it real!!!!

  553. Shelley says:

    Great post. As a mother of an autistic 4 year old, a sassy 2 year old and a 4 month old, I am familiar with all of your moments and then some. Unfortunately, when I do say of do the wrong thing (because I’m human) my autistic son repeats or imitates. It’s my favorite when they tell me he’s doing it at school. Having a ditty week here too. I’d love to have a drink, but I’m nursing. UHg!

  554. Chris Carter says:

    What I want to say is “You FREAKING IDIOT!!” to my kids…what I always say is “You GOOFBALL” with the same intent. It’s kinda cathartic in that I really mean idiot and I have associated that word with it so many times that I do believe I am saying Idiot!
    Love you to DEATH Amber. My favorite post. 🙂

  555. Pia says:

    This made me laugh! Yourwriting is just great and to read your stories when I’m going through the same thing with my 18month old son, is such a relief! I sometimes say what I think instead of what I should say, I get very frustrated with my son and this is my first child (probably last too lol) and half the time I regret saying things to him as I forget I’m talking to a baby. It’s very hard and it sucks balls not being able to quit sometimes just to even take a short vacation… Keep up the great work! And you should definitely turn it into an adult’s book! 🙂

  556. Toni says:

    Well said.
    I have your back sistah!

  557. Dear God: Thank you for making the person who writes this blog.

    BTW before I read the whole thing I scrolled all the way down to see what the asterisk was all about. I was like, “She didn’t really… did she??? OMIGOD SHE DID.”

    LOLing. Sharing. You are awesome.

  558. Emma says:

    I can’t recall ever commenting before, but this post deserves all the recognition it can gain. I hope you make it through this week unscathed. If all else fails, drink after bedtime, drink a lot.

  559. Laura says:

    “Yay! Wood toys!” – you are the best! 🙂 Can’t wait to get your book!! 🙂

  560. Sometimes it does seem as though the little ones are plotting to drive us INSANE. It’s some sort of a test, I know it is. And teens are just as bad, in their own way. Only, they DO leave you alone in the bathroom, thank goodness.

  561. AJ says:

    I am so glad I stumbled across this. It helps me realize that I’ve made the best choice ever by remaining childless. Just when I thought I might actually be able to handle it. Thank you so much!

    • Devan says:

      Yeahhhhh, BUT….it is worth it 1,000,000 times.

    • Devan says:

      Also, I am glad you commented cause it adds a TONNNN of perspective and makes me glad I DO have kids.
      (that sounds ugly, not intended that way…to each his own…and if a cartoon about one week in time puts you back off of having kids, you were probably not meant to anyways)(gah, now that sounded even more ugly, I swear I am not trying to be, you are smart to listen to yourself :))

      • Alayne says:

        AJ, I swore I’d never had kids. And don’t get me wrong, I love them. But to be frank, you don’t necessarily miss what you never have. If that makes me sound awful, then so be it. But it’s true. I ended up marrying my husband and decided to have a child. It was not a surprise or accident. Still, I question my choice to become a mother after so many years prior to that, knowing it wasn’t what would make me happiest. I think I would be a better person if I was not a mother. I just hope my little girl never knows that. She is wanted and loved just as much as any child. Her daddy is amazing and makes up for my shortcomings. But if you decided not to have kids, don’t let anyone change your mind except yourself if your desires truly shift.

    • S says:

      Yeah but. Then you remember his cheeky conspiratal grin, as he starts to march around and around on your bed, chanting “Mar-march! Ma-march!” While he’s stark naked after bath. His Good Morning hugs, as he buries his face in your neck, in an attempt to stave off wakefulness. His delight in seeing the world, such as the moon, or train, or dogs. Elephant makes him incoherent. The resemblence to you. The resemblence to other members of the family. And his own unique personality.

      And sometimes, he understands that he’s driven you crazy and you need some Qui(e)t Time.

  562. Megan says:

    it’s Wine Wednesday! you need a grape-y friend 🙂 hang in there. we’ve all had these days. i had one last week: *FINALLY* got my almost-two-year-old son down for his nap. after rocking for an hour, got stealthily out of the rocking chair, put him in his bed, started to sneak out of his room and tripped on the baby light show toy (that we lovingly refer to as laser floyd) and he was right back up. after a very tough morning, that was the end of me. i stood over his crib crying. and that was only breakdown number one for the day.

    it’s always nice to go to bed and be able to start fresh tomorrow. even if reasoning with/trying to figure out children is the most futile thing we could do, at least we can laugh about it the next day.

  563. Shenelle says:

    Yup, that’s where I’m at this week too! I was just telling a friend today that I want to be 19 again, just for one day! And that’s when I worked at a gas station…but I think it may have been a much better job than your gas station job!! Hehe!

  564. Gracie says:

    i smiled at this so much i thought my face was going to crack! this is THE BEST post you have ever done and i have read them all and LOL’d at them all but this… this is why you are so awesome and successful in what you do. i am so proud and strangely filled with overwhelming love & understanding for you. keep kicking goals! 🙂 i want that book as soon as it hits the presses!! 😀 xx

  565. Kara says:

    Who hasn’t been there? But here’s the kicker, you have yourself in check even when you want to let the crazy woman inside of you out. Some moms don’t and those are the poor kids who suffer. Kudos to you, Amber! Chin up, chickie!

  566. Brenda says:

    I *have* said “told you so”. At least twice. This week.

    And for the record we had an AWFUL week this last week. I was done. I was totally where you are. Then today, both kids were angels. I even bought the older one a Slurpee (the little one is EBF and I can’t get Slurpee in my boob). There will soon be a day to make up for all the shitty ones you are having right now.

    • amber says:

      Oh but you CAN get Slurpee in your boob. You just have to drink it. I hope you did. You know, for the little one. 🙂

  567. yavanna klappal says:

    I told my daughter today if she didn’t clean her own room I was going to come in like Godzilla in Tokyo. And then we could use a broom to clean the rest. Her bed room is now back at an acceptable level of doom.

  568. Amber S. says:

    Oh my gosh, I love you for this.

    When I think I can’t possibly take it anymore, I daydream about what I call my “retirement.” I don’t work. I’m a SAHM. What I call my “retirement” is actually when my kids grow up and move out.

    The day that happens, my husband and I are going to buy a tiny home on wheels ( and I’m going to move all over the country on a whim, staying on farms and at national parks and enjoying the travel and views while I write books.

    Sometimes as the kids are screaming around me, I have been known to get this far-off look in my eyes and a tiny smile wiggles at the corners of my mouth. I often wonder if the other moms at the playground think I’ve finally lost it at those moments. Nope. Just planning my retirement. 🙂

    • amber says:

      LOVE that site you linked to. I can look at tiny houses for hours. The simplicity & freedom of it all. Drool. (Okay, off to declutter a drawer or something. Baby steps.)

  569. Pamela says:

    What my 6-year old daughter says: “I hate you, mommy! You’re mean!”

    What I want to say: “I don’t like you either, you little brat!”

    What I say: “No, mommy loves you!” with gritted teeth.

  570. CG says:


    I have one child, he’s 13 now. I still have many of these same conversations with him. It doesn’t get better as they get older. The good news is, now that he’s 13.. I usually say what I want to say vs what I should say. Yes, I’ve told my 13 year old to fuck off. And it felt pretty damn good.

  571. Ashley says:

    How’s this for a crappy mother…

    I have two perfect daughters. They are literally dream kids. They help me with house chores, without complaining. They take care of the dogs. They sort, fold and put away laundry with me. We also play together. They hike well. One Saturday morning, recently, they let me sleep in, turned on cartoons and fixed themselves PB&J sammies for breakfast. (They are 5 and 6 years old.) My girls have 1 or 2 “rough” days a month, tops.

    Why do I, with such fantastic kids, wake up some mornings, cover my head with a pillow, and wish I could sneak out the back door and disappear?

    I think we get tired of the monotony and the constant giving of self, rather than the actual job. The selflessness is just exhausting. In 6 years, I haven’t had one day, not one day, where I have done only what I wanted to do. It’s the compromise, the giving of time, and the sacrifice we want to quit, not the kids.

    Even moms, like me, who have fun with their kids almost every single day for 6 years, want to wake up one day and decide, “Today I’d like to do this…all by myself.”

  572. Heather Garcia says:

    I have been tempted to put their little butts in the car, drive out to the country, let them out and drive away. LOL

    • Heather S. says:

      I’ve gotten as far as a decent dirt road and by then they thought I was really going to leave them there and I felt really bad.
      But it was a nice thought for a while.

  573. Callie says:

    We aren’t suppose to tell our kids they are insane? Oops! And I so explain about consequences. If my