a taste of age five

I refer to my eldest as my "four-year-old" but he actually turns five this month. Thought I better clear this up before people get confused and freak out. Because the fact that he is turning five freaks you out, right? It should. Because it freaks me out. 

FIVE! What will five be like? Will it be different than four?

I think I know.

He gave me a little taste of it last week…


To save time, I'll get you up to speed on the scene. We are chatting about traveling around the world and how we can't drive our car the whole way.

He is talking about the ocean travel part right now:

Awww, so sweet. Mermaids. 


A biting mermaid? That gives wishes? That is weird.

I ask him where he got this idea from.

He tells me it was from a story I told him before bed. 

I have no recollection of this. But I probably did.

My storytelling judgement often suffers at the end of a long day.

That was probably a poor choice in a story plot.  

A really poor choice. Poor little guy is scared of biting mermaids now!

I told him this garbage? Why did I do that?  

His worrying continues. He frets over wanting the wishes but fear of how much the bite will hurt.

He starts to wonder how hard the bite must be in order to get the wishes. And where the mermaid will bite him.

He even asks how fast mermaids can swim.  

Great, he is afraid of mermaids now. He'll be afraid of the ocean because of the mermaids! And afraid of the beach because of the ocean!

All because of a stupid story that I don't even remember telling!  

What have I done???!!! Crap, crap, crap! 

I have to fix this.

In my most comforting voice, I tell him it is okay.


I reassure him that mermaids don't actually bite.

He replies…


And he informs that mermaids aren't actually real.

His condescending tone tells me that:

  1. I'm an idiot.
  2. He is smarter than I am.
  3. Five!


And that was my taste of five. Not sure about the flavor. 

This entry was posted in crappy pictures, five, parenting, through the ages. Bookmark the permalink.

103 Responses to a taste of age five

  1. Ruth says:

    HA! silly mama

  2. shawn says:

    It’s true. Soon, you will need to keep an ipad at the dinner table so you can start looking sh&t up!

  3. MJ Leaver says:

    Good stuff.

    I already knew this was coming though.

    ‘Ripley, she doesn’t have bad dreams, because she’s just a piece of plastic.’ – Newt

    Parenting lessons I’ve learned from Aliens #65

  4. Amanda E says:

    We are at 5 1/2 and all I can say is brace yourself…that and maybe stock up on your drink of choice, sista your’re going to need it!

  5. Christi says:

    ๐Ÿ˜‰ Oh, and don’t forget brutal honesty… My five year old niece told me (on her 5th birthday, no less) … “Aunt Christi, I know you’re not pregnant anymore, but you kinda still look like you have a little baby in your belly. And, your friend Holly, I know she does have a baby in HER belly, but she doesn’t really look like she does. But you do.”
    {I had just had a baby 4 months ago)

  6. Laura says:

    Ahahah! Ohhh how I look forward to five. I’d take it anyday over the THREE stage we’re in. Eep.

  7. Jolleen says:

    ROFL!!! Just wait till he’s 15…it gets worse. TRUST me!

  8. Katrina says:

    Haha, awesome. My three-year-old stumps me with her logic now…I’m suddenly scared of five!

  9. Melissa Shorten says:

    ahhh yes, welcome to FIVE! My 5 year old turns 6 next month – started school at the beginning of the year – I can tell you though – 5 has its moments, but its been my fav age so far! He just learns so much, so fast, its amazing! I hated 2, 3, 4 but 5 is just awesome! ๐Ÿ˜€ Enjoy him xx

  10. Hahahaha! You think you’re an idiot now?? Wait til he’s 15. You’ll be dumb as a box of rocks. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Said the mother of two teen boys and one tween boy.)

  11. Janel says:

    So glad I’m not the only one!!!

  12. momlovesyoga says:

    Hysterical!!!! You crack me up!!!
    My son turned 5 in july and so far he is a big know it all. No, I didn’t call him that. He TOLD me he, in fact, knows it all.
    And he doesn’t need to learn another thing. Those were his words to me just last week. I asked him what all he knows everything about and he said, “oh mommy, I just know everything. I know why birds fly, why people poop and how to do all my karate moves”


  13. sherylcutler@comcast.net says:

    Today, my almost 5 year old told me I should go to Curves.

  14. Shona says:

    I’d love to hear #1 – 64. I learned how to wash my kids face from this movie.

  15. Five is like a stroll in Central Park on a balmy autumn afternoon compared to the blistering snowstorm from hell that is six. Especially with boys.
    Debbie Downer
    (not my real name)

  16. Amber Dusick says:

    I think those three things are pretty much any 5-year-old boy needs to know!

  17. Amber Dusick says:

    You guys are scaring me with all this ominous six talk!

  18. My four year old asked me today if I had a baby in my belly. BECAUSE IT’S WAY FAT, he said, not really lovingly, and with a snarky grin. And my youngest is 2.5. I feel you, Christi.

  19. Valerie says:

    While your posts are always hilarious, your comments today are pretty great today too. I am now fearful of 5 since last year my two year old asked me after seeing 3 Santas from a distance over three days, “why do all the Santas look different?”. Ack!!

  20. Erica says:


  21. Amber Dusick says:

    la la la, I can’t hear you! (what teenagers? I’m not gonna have those.)

  22. Evelyn says:

    haha, I love it. He clearly knows every thing he will ever need

  23. Rachel G says:

    My oldest son turns five this week, and my youngest boy is 21 months, so I completely relate to all your blogs. My oldest starts many of his remarks with”really, mom, really?” Full of attitude, but still so sweet.

  24. Jennie says:

    Well I cant speak for boys, but girls are great at 5! Just watch out for your ears, they may just talk them off. ๐Ÿ˜› I helped out in my daughter’s kindergarten class last year and loved it! They learn so much and I swear by the end of the year my daughter was smarter than I am on a few subjects. Make sure you can keep up with them. ๐Ÿ™‚

  25. Kelly Dyer says:

    Someone once told me that her grandson said that he was a “whole handful” when he turned five. She said that fit him perfectly.

  26. maggiemoo says:

    Hahahahaha! He totally played you! Thanks for the laughs! ๐Ÿ™‚

  27. JAB says:

    My oldest son is 5 and he is shocked about the following things (among many others): (1) I manage to get myself dressed and out the door each morning, without major issue. (2) I have been able to dress myself since before he was born. (3) I have not driven my car into a tree – which is why I need his constant opinion on my driving. (4) That I can remember that I need to wear contacts or glasses in order to see. Basically he’s convinced I would be a blind, naked, driving lunatic without his help!

  28. Satakieli says:

    Oh my, I snorted. These kids! My almost 4 year old (his birthday is also this month) told me a few days ago that he doesn’t like cookies anymore and that my kisses are yucky. What-E-ver.

  29. Zeph says:

    I know all about 5 year old boys. My 5 yr old told me one day that a certain type of whale (sperm maybe?) ate squid. I told him whales eat krill. An argument followed, with him pleading with me “mum, TRUST me! I know they eat squid”. Looked it up online. He was right. I was wrong.
    Unfortunately that isn’t the only time it has happened. Google is now my best friend.

  30. Alana says:

    My oldest turned 5 in June and has just started kindergarten. Everything is now “but my teacher said…” most of which cannot be true. We also have a 3 year old and an almost-2-year-old. :-/

  31. Amanda says:

    Yep, welcome to 5! My son (5 1/2) was questioning me tonight about the difference between what makes things living vs. not living and I mentioned that living things need air (among other things) and he looked me dead in the eye and said “Um actually mommy cars need air in their tires and they are not alive so that is not true”


  32. Desiree says:

    My almost 5 year old would say “MOM, you lied to me, you said they bite” and “If you know EVERYTHING why is it taking so long for you to answer”!

  33. Amber P says:

    this mama to an already 5yo is laughing her ass off…I’d say you’re pretty dead on;)

  34. Krystal says:

    Hey, I have two 13 month olds, so this seems like an eternity away for us. But, this post still made me laugh. The real reason I’m commenting is I noticed you got your boobs back! Haha ๐Ÿ™‚

  35. Donna says:

    be careful what you wish for…

  36. Anastasia says:

    My oldest son just turned 6! And I have to say yep, you’ve got it right on about age 5 …. I have had to hide myself to laugh at him or scream in frustration many times …
    We have had far too many arguments about things he insists I said and I insist I didn’t and the ramifications of such …
    It is crazy but they are things we will look back on with fondness … right??! ๐Ÿ™‚

  37. Tarina says:

    HaaaaHahahaa! We use facehuggers as sneaky washing as well!!!!!!

  38. SuziQ says:

    I used to stay with an aunt who had alzheimer’s disease. She would stand in her bathroom and talk to the “ladies in the mirror.” When requested to take her medicine she would tell you real quick that “the ladies in the mirror (while gesturing at our reflections)said she didn’t have to take any medicine!! LOL Pretty quick for an old lady with alzheimer’s!! So my friend and I came up with the idea to approach her and tell her the ladies in the mirror said for her to take her medicine. We did her response was “I don’t see anyone in the mirror! Who the hell are you talking about??” She still didn’t take the said medicine! ROFL She won, hands down!

  39. Tarina says:

    <3 Ahhh that wishful thinking stage we retreat into! Love it!

  40. Debbie says:

    Our two know that the Santa’s all look different because they are Santa’s helpers since Santa himself is busy at the North Pole. It works. For now…

  41. Lindsey says:

    Things get better at 5 I promise but they become absolutely delicious at 7!

  42. MNMommyJosie says:

    I lost a battle with my three year old earlier because I said that Batman flies. I was very wrong apparently. Who knew? What’s the point of being BATman if you can’t fly like a bat??

  43. Rachael says:

    Didn’t you know? ALL five year olds are smarter than adults. Mine likes to say “I KNOW that” as if I just told him that water is wet.

  44. Houston mom of 2 says:

    We have 68 days left until the big one turns 4 and you had me sufficiently scared, Amber. There is a six-year-old in our carpool; youngest of 4. This kid has seen it all, done it all and is so cool…it’s amazing he deigns to let me drive him to pre-school!

  45. Willow says:

    I concur. Five is an age of omniscience. My firstborn was five in May and now whenever he learns something he tells me, and of course it’s news to me, and it’s the most amazing thing I ever heard.

  46. Kelli says:

    Five is all attitude. Cocky, smartalic, attitude.

  47. Vicki says:

    Love it. My step son is 6 and sassier than he was at 5. So much fun/such a slippery challenge to chat with!

  48. sherry says:

    i am wayyyyy to pregnant (8.5 months) to be laughing this hard….it hurts to laugh that hard! but thanks for that. one of the funniest things i’ve read in a long time!

    (presently mommy to a 4 year old and one on the way!)

  49. Cynthia says:

    OH, this one made me laugh. They can really trip you up.

  50. Cynthia says:

    My oldest is 5.5, and this sounds just like him, constant stream of questions and info I didn’t know he knew. Yesterday he said “Mom, why did you and dad have your door locked? Were you having a little party in there?” Fortunately, he thinks our “party” consisted of reading stories to each other, but our time is short. Oh, and I have one about to turn four, and am so grateful to be almost out of the threes

  51. vanessa says:

    I’d be stealing this 4.5 years from now, only my little bitty baby will never be 5 whole years old, lalala!

  52. RedinNC says:

    Oh, Debbie Downer, you’re scaring me about six; have a five yo boy now and he’s cornered the market on attitude. [sigh] Send vodka.

  53. Tiffany says:

    Oh man, this one got me! It sounds exactly like my little man two years ago – when he was five.

  54. Beth says:

    This sounds like my husband!

  55. Beth Kelley says:

    My son is now 6 and your blog is fantastic. I even tell my husband your stories. Anyway, 5 (and 6) is a lot of fun. Things you said before, are now way stupid. The habits of saying words backwards or mixed up because that’s how HE said it a couple of years ago, will now be met with contempt. Example: All “steak” in our house is “steak meat”. (I liken this to your spider-guy; I assume that’s what your boy called a spider once and now it’s stuck.) 2 days ago we asked him if he wanted us to cut up his steak meat so he could eat. Of course, we got the most condescending tone and a look of “you’re pathetic” while he explained that steak is simply steak and only an idiot would call it steak meat. Geez don’t we know anything? Have fun!

  56. Paula says:

    My daughters 4.5 and she often asks me, mum do you have your keys? How about your phone? She really thinks if she doesn’t check I’ll forget my head.. Ok there have been a couple of times where I’ve forgotten both of these things but still…
    When she was 3.5, and learning about boys and girls, I was asked her if my boyfriend is a girl or a boy, she replied “a boy….. you didn’t know that?”
    So I wonder what 5 has in store, and yes 5 seems REALLY old!!! How had that happened!

  57. Jo says:

    I hope he hasn’t watched the last pirates of the Caribbean! Scary ass biting mermaids ๐Ÿ™‚

  58. OMG, 5 was my all time favorite age. Indy was so much fun at 5. He was slightly more independent, had loads to say and still held onto the cuddly toddlerness. Now he’s 9 and I long for 5. He’s a pretty good 9 year old don’t get me wrong (in fact my mom says it’s totally unfair that he’s so good and I’m not getting paid back-rude! I was an awesome kid), but now he goes on ad nauseum about video games (which he’s only allowed to play for a little while on the weekends), Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Harry Potter and Pirates of the Caribbean (BTW, don’t let him see POC4, there ARE biting mermaids!). It’s mentally exhausting. For me, I mean.
    Han Solo is only 5 months old, so I guess in a few years (dear lord) I’ll get to experience 5 all over again. Enjoy 5! Five could be awesome compared to what’s next. ๐Ÿ™‚

  59. When they’re five (after they’ve realize they know everything) they realize they can lie, and not the “did you do this?” “no” kinda lie, either. One time when my second boy was 5 he would go in the pantry to sneak cookies, then “hide” them on a barstool in the kitchen. Of course we found the half-eaten cookies and knew he was the only one that would do that, but instead of the truth he told us that he saw a guy walking down the street (who also happened to be a ninja) sneak into the house when only he was looking and put those cookies on the stool. To this day I can’t believe that ninja would come in my house and frame an innocent five year old boy. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  60. Beth says:

    I love the creative stories, it makes it so hard to punish them!

  61. kim says:

    Oh – Amen to that!! I have a 15 yr old now. I have discovered that apparently I am completely dumb… Good thing she has a sense of humor – I love to embarrass her.

  62. Katie says:

    Ah yes. My kids are roughly the same ages as yours so your illustrations are hilarious to me! My 4 year old keeps crying that I am going to jail for her not wearing her seatbelt, which has never happened. I am sure I told her once that she had to wear it or I would go to jail and I pay the price dearly every car ride.

  63. Yup this is my five year old exactly. I am usually reminded of my stupidity when I dare to volunteer information. Like the other day when we were watching Scooby Doo, and I said “Oh no, Alex, look! It’s an avalanche!”

    My son turned to look at me and said with barely concealed disgust “Mommy. That’s not an ambulance. It’s just a lot of snow falling.”

  64. jules says:

    pshhhht…he showed you.

  65. rachel says:

    I know what story it was you told him before bed…it was the entire Twilight series, wasn’t it?

  66. Emily says:

    Last night I thought of this as I tried to go to sleep, and figured out what story you told him.

    “Once a boy went down to the ocean to catch a bite.” If you don’t clarify a bite to eat… “He caught a mermaid.” So he caught a bite by catching a mermaid… ergo, mermaids bite!

    Solution? You need to send him fishing with his daddy and learn about what ‘bite’ MEANS in fishing terms. Plus, you get at least an afternoon with just you and the baby (unless you trust daddy with him too.)

  67. Cynthia says:

    I like it when they say something so wild that I can just look at them and say “I know that’s not what happened.” It adds to my aura of omniscience much more than when I’m not sure whether it was him or his sister.

  68. Dee says:

    It is a parent’s duty to embarrass her teenagers.

  69. Alicia C. says:

    Oh, yeah… the sarcasm just gets better and better from here!

  70. HA! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    If you ever want to freak him out- show him that mermaids ARE real at Weeki Wachee Florida!



  71. LOL- we did this to may 4 year old, too!!!!! Love it. Hey- it worked on keeping that seat belt on, huh?!

  72. bcIMthemommy says:

    Please let me know how the big birthday goes. I have two 4 year old sons–I’m worried too.

  73. Ha! Five is fantastic! Six gets complicated.

    My daughter decided that she wanted to be a mermaid, but she was told by a mermaid at a mermaid show that you’re born a mermaid. After some thought, she declared that after she dies she’ll be reborn a mermaid. How the heck did we get on reincarnation?!!

  74. Shannon says:

    I have 6 kids ages 21, 15, 12, 10, 8 and 5. The 15 year old has all the rest combined beat hands down! Just thinking about her makes me tired! Lol

  75. Jennifer says:

    This is so FUNNY. OMG, I snorted outloud reading this because this is so my daughter! LOL!

  76. heide says:

    ha! My son turned 5 in August and says exactly the same thing. He knows everything. He doesn’t need to go to karate class because he knows all the moves already. He knows everything.

  77. Jolene says:

    Our seven-year-old likes to blame her teacher and then ask you if you dare question Miss B’s judgment. One day she claimed 7 + 7 = 17. This of course we challenged with, “No Arwen, it’s 14.” This was met with a long-suffering sigh and “Okay, but Miss B said it was 17 and if you really think my teacher is wrong….” Seven is fun too :-p

  78. HeatherB says:

    It’s the age where that unspoken “you idiot!” is obvious, both by the giver and the receiver, even though neither of you talk that way normally. Yup, been there. I’m still there. Not sure when that phase goes away. 20?

  79. Sandra says:

    Brilliant! I just popped over from the Sydney Morning Herald and so glad I did! My 3 year old has that look of condescension down to a tee, however, just wait until they’re turning 13… 4 weeks until there is a fully-fledged teen-ager in my house!
    Sandra x

  80. April says:

    I’m so happy to discovered your wonderful blog through an article in the Age (a Melbourne, Australia newspaper)!

    I’m not a parent myself, but do have an adorable nephew. Thanks for your funny pictures, they totally made my day! ๐Ÿ™‚

  81. Sarah says:

    I’m so glad other people think the threes are rough!

  82. Lauren says:

    Ha Ha! Love it!
    Just found this blog and am totally addicted!

  83. twin2_63 says:

    I know how you feel. When he was about three, my son used the same tone when I tried to prompt him to add eyes to the drawing of a person he was doing on his blackboard. “Oh, darling, that person can’t see,” I said (trying to be clever). “Why can’t he see anything?” My son looked at me with pity and said, “Because it’s a drawing, Mummy, drawings aren’t real people.” Of course. Silly me.

  84. twin2_63 says:

    Katie, put her seatbelt on. First, it will stop her crying. Second, she won’t die if someone runs into you. Pretty compelling reasons.

  85. Musculation says:

    he’s basically a genius ๐Ÿ™‚ lol!

  86. TaraFly says:

    My nine-year-old does the same thing! It’s the Ace she draws upon realizing an argument isn’t going her way….

    “Well, that’s what Miss So-and-so taught us…. and she went to college for years to become a teacher, so she would know.”

    I once called her bluff, hinting that I’d bring it up at our next parent-teacher meeting… and she started crying.

    So ridden with guilt, I apologetically said, “You might be right. After all, history books are being rewritten and Pluto is no longer a planet…. maybe everything MY teacher taught ME was wrong.” ๐Ÿ˜›

  87. Rebecca Emin says:

    Awwwwwwwww!!!! He’s so cute!

  88. Carol Gardens says:

    ha ha ha…you gave me a good laugh, again!!!! You also captured ‘going on five’ perfectly! I had a similiar experience with a ‘scary witch in the bushes’ and it was on that day that I realized I was going to miss my child at age four, and then it hit me…I might miss her at all the ages that were filled with awful moments for me, because those days were also jam-packed with unique moments that were going to remain in the past…and I might even forget them, as I got into the nitty-gritty of the present. Your pictures bring it all back and it seems even funnier, now(that it is in the past). PLEASE write a book….I will pre-order 20 copies..I love to pass on a laugh to my friends. Talk to a publisher , now. You have a gift for taking a moment and raising it to a level of funny that not everyone can…especially everyone that is living in the shock of ‘is this really my life right now?’

  89. Lynn Cox says:

    I’ve got gals aged six and four. I have to say, six has been lovely, now that I know to expect a minor meltdown shortly after school most days. Four has been the roughest so far with both of them. I felt like parents everywhere conspired to keep the horrors of the four year old tantrum from me, perhaps so I wouldn’t freak and move secretly to Canada when their 4th birthdays came around. So, I spent five recovering from four with my older one… and marveling at the staggering speed at which she learned things. Five’s not so bad, once you get accustomed to having your business told to you, loudly, and usually in public. Gotta love ’em.

  90. Kat says:

    haha!! My kid is nearly six, so I’ve been a complete idiot for almost a year now. The taste has grown on me.

  91. muddledmom says:

    Oh yeah, it gets worse. The eye rolling, the DUH, and the “You just don’t know” all make you feel like maybe you really don’t know. They really don’t believe that we were ever children once. We just take up space…and make them do their homework. ; )

  92. April says:

    I think five tastes like a Bismarck pastry with tuna fish salad filling. You think it’s going to be all sweet and wonderful, then BAM! You get hit with fictional mermaids with oral fixations.

  93. Nicole says:

    Ha ha! Awesome. Yes, this is EXACTLY how it will be. My five year old is like this most every day. ๐Ÿ™‚

  94. Nicola says:

    Ok… I am lying in bed reading this on my phone with my very very nearly 1 year old baby boy sleeping next to me. Having to hold my nose and keep my mouth closed to stop myself from laughing out loud and waking him up. I’d best stop reading this so I can actually live long enough to see him turn 1 tomorrow!

  95. Dee says:

    Hilarious! My 6 y/o didn’t swim much this summer b/c “everyone knows there are killer mermaids in the Chesapeake Bay”. Oh, sure, everyone knows that. I actually saw a link recently for mermaid repellent. I may get him some for next summer.

  96. sam says:

    This is SO funny, seriously brilliant!

  97. Jen H says:

    He doesn’t fly, but he does have glider wings…does gliding count as flying?

  98. Ann says:

    ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHahahahahahahahahahahaha!
    If it makes you feel any better…I’m not smarter than a 5 year old, either! (I hate that show!)

  99. Ann says:

    PS…I know it’s “Are you smarter than a 5th grader”, but they start getting smarter as soon as they can wipe their own butt. :/

  100. Baby Baskets says:

    You know what they say? Terrible twos and effing 3’s, 4’s and 5’s!

  101. So yeah, I have just found your blog and am staying up too late reading archives. The day my daughter turned five, she admitted that she could not remember a thing about being four. I tested her by asking about things that happened the week before and she said, “I TOLD YOU I don’t remember being four!”