So since I have a book coming out next month I’ve had to do all sorts of fancy things in preparation. Most notably, I’ve had to prove that I’m a real actual person.
To prove that you are a real actual person you have to provide an author photograph. A professionally taken headshot. Headshot? You mean I can’t just use the one single decent photo of me from six years ago where I don’t look pregnant and crop everyone else out of it? Apparently, no. The headshot is supposed to be all professional and shit. Crap.
So recently, I hired my photographer friend Jen to do my photo shoot. (She also took the adorable kid shots in the crappy shop.)
I get to her place.
We have several hours. I have several purple dresses with me. My hair and makeup looks great.
It is just my face that is the problem.
Wait, wait, wait. There is nothing wrong with my actual face. It is just the faces I MAKE with my face. They are all wrong. On camera. I’m tense. I look constipated. Or I smile too big and I look like a muppet.
But Jen is a pro and most people make crappy faces when they are in front of a camera.
She has a plan:
She explains that it helps to have a trigger thing that puts you in your relaxed and happy place. We just have to find out what my happy trigger is.
Hmmm, relaxed and happy. Make face normal. Make face happy. Make face relaxed. What? I can’t even think of anything, there is a camera in my face!
She has a suggestion:
Okay, think about my kids. Makes sense. This is for a parenting book after all.
Crap, I wonder how they are doing. I’ve been gone for several hours and Crappy Baby cried when I left because I ignored him all morning while I was getting ready and trying to make it look like I have more than one strand of hair.
Jen notices immediately that thinking about my kids is not exactly relaxing my face.
She switches gears:
Yum. I like those things.
And there you have it folks. Chocolate ice cream is my happy place trigger. And it only took her two tries.
You can see my headshot in it’s full chocolate ice cream glory here on the Gaithersburg Book Festival website where I’ll be Saturday, May 18th in case you are in the Maryland area. All other real life appearances are still unconfirmed. Except I’m pretty sure I’m going to Whole Foods later tonight to get some strawberries. (And now I must pause to bake cookies because that is what I do when I’m nervous and excited. Breathe.)
Also! If you are in the Los Angeles area, Jen of Jennifer Manley Photography has kindly offered a limited time seriously amazing deal to crappy readers: $125 for a family session (prints and/or digital images extra) and $200 for a headshot/portrait session (digital images included). Just say you are a crappy reader when you contact her. You can thank me later, she is tons of fun and very talented. Offer valid through May 1st, 2013.
^That deal up there? It is a crazy good one. Plus, she is a personal friend of mine so you’d be like 2 degrees of separation from me. That has got to be worth, like, at least the price of a donut.
It’s a great picture! Chocolate ice cream treats you well. 🙂
Hey! You’re younger than I had imagined!! It is so hard to tell your age in your MS drawings!! You don’t do yourself justice. How old are you?
I agree totally with Loren! I don’t know why I thought you were older! Such a beautiful picture!
I thought the same thing! For some reason I pictured you older.. But you’re super young and gorgeous!
Also, I didn’t miss that you’re actually wearing purple in your headshot, lol.
I’m 24.
Kidding. Wouldn’t that be rad? I’m 35.
Haha I’d believe it! you look great. I will be 30 in a year and after having my son (now 14 mo) I feel like I have aged 10 years!
You look great, and you’re going to be rad on book tour. Cannot wait.
Yes. Totally rad.
Book tour details? Phoenix? Tucson?
Next you’ll be showing up for the Academy Awards because someone wants to make a movie out of your book. Just You Wait.
Totally agree! And when, may I ask, do we see your book translated into Austraaaaalian?
Bugger the translation – what about the book tour here? 🙂
It HAS to be better than the “What to Expect…” movie. I mean, come on, yours are TRUE! There’s nothing funnier than real life.
that is a great picture!
Excellent picture!
That’s an excellent picture! Props to icecream and chocolate.
Your picture is lovely. 🙂 Yay chocolate ice cream!
Now I want chocolate ice cream!
I wish I was in LA we need family photos done so badly, I say it every year and now they are nine and four.
Thinking about my kids wouldn’t do it for me neither. My happy place is a new pair of shoes.
Will Jen fly to Minneapolis? 😉 or maybe I should take a trip to Califirnia where is is warm! Much better plan I’m thinking.
yay, Gaithersburg! That’s close to me. I’m excited! exclamation point!
Yay, please come!
YYYAAAAAAYYYYY!!! Maryland is going to represent.
My daughter’s 3rd birthday party can wait, can’t it?
So excited for you Amber!
I’m coming too! You’re going to be there all day or part of the day? Pls let us all know!
You look lovely! 🙂
Awesome picture! She totally nailed your happy place. (Uhh that’s what he said?)
That is a crazy good deal! And being 2 degrees of separation from you is worth way more than a donut! Hmmm
LOL!
LOL
that is a GREAT picture! hooray for ice cream-chocolate & otherwise. 🙂
I’m near Gaithersburg!! So exciting!
Yay! Please come!
By the way, you looked super cute in that photo!
Lovely pic, just thought you ought to know they forgot your fish in your bio……
Sorry correction, your ugly fish 😉
she purposefully leaves out the fish…he’s ugly and wasn’t hers for all of 6 days. 🙂
Poor fish. Left out again.
Aww you look gorgeous hun – dont put yourself down!! Lovely pic (and def more than 1 strand of hair!!) xx
It might have been fun to have the link to your picture first and have us guess what you were thinking about before you told us 😉
Your picture looks great!
Oh wow, that picture is beautiful!
Oh my goodness you look just like my mum! Not now, I mean my mum when she was about 20. There’s a beautiful old photo of her and she has smiling eyes. Maybe she was thinking about chocolate ice cream too.
Your picture looks great, and I can’t wait to get your book. Every single thing you post on here makes me laugh so hard! I swear sometimes you are really writing about my 3 year old son, because he seems to have a lot in common with your boys!
Congrats on the book! My happy place is 50 Shades of Grey. 🙂
what a great picture! you are so pretty!!
Funny AND pretty!
I love that you wore a purple dress 🙂 Great picture, too! You look lovely!
Of course I wore a purple dress. I only OWN purple dresses. 😉
You look gorgeous, Amber!
I’m not from Gaithersburg. I am so there! SO exciting!
Hey you are a real person! And not a robot capable of thwarting captchas and drawing perfectly delightful crappy drawings!
I feel ya on the smiling for the camera though. Most of my faces in photos look ‘grimaced’. Oy vey.
How do other people look normal and glamorous (cough cough YHL Sherry cough cough) when constantly in photos?
Wow crappy mama, you are really pretty. Not what I expected.
So pretty!
Welcome to our neck of the woods! Yay Montgomery County! I’m going to post it on my FB page.
Yay & please come!!
Great Picture! Chocolate Ice Cream looks good on you 😉
read this as I’m getting ready to head to the store… just added some ice cream to my list ^.^
That’s the “I ate all the chocolate ice cream and do not feel guilty face”!
I know it, because I don it on occasion 😉
chocolate ice cream takes me to a happy place too. we’re moving from maryland in april, so if you happen to confirm dates in florida after that, i’d love to meet you! 🙂
I’d love to head to Florida, wouldn’t complain about that!
You are beautiful! Don’t ever sell yourself short. You’re funny as hell, too, and sometimes I feel like you’re watching my life. I am glad you started this blog, and I’m hoping to get your book for Mother’s Day… which means I should tell my husband, right?
Chocolate ice cream would be my happy face trigger too. The other day I was fast forwarding through commercials on my DVR and subconsciously pressed play when a hot fudge sunday appeared on screen. I didn’t make a decision to press play, I just did. My first thought was “this is still a commercial, why did I stop?” then I noticed the ice cream…
Great head shot! And you DO have more than one strand of hair on your head…who would have thought. 🙂 Can’t wait for your book release. You MUST come to Chicago!!!!
a muppet lol!!!! you look gawgeous!!!! congrats:)
I’m slightly disappointed you’re not a real life MS Paint figure.
I know, I hate to come out like this. But I figure if I have to actually show up in real life then it would be helpful if people actually knew the truth.
I really want to read your book. Will it be available in UK? (or perhaps as an e-book?) And btw, Chocolate ice-cream is my happy trigger, too, hehe.
GREAT PIC!! 🙂
and bio:
…”and the cats are just okay… hahahahahaha
Hi!!
I began to read your blog ever since Jason Good first featured it. I have a 9-year-old stepson and am only 7 weeks away of welcoming another boy to our family. Even though I don’t relate to many of the things you post about, I can totally understand how you FEEL about them. That does the trick for me. I’ll try hard to follow your steps. The book will help. Or maybe it will just be thrown randomly in the direction of noise, once I become acquainted with sleep deprivation. All the best and keep up the good work.
Lots of love from Lisbon.
I love that chocolate ice cream makes your hair and expressions do awesome things! Even for your “crappy” drawing hehehe
you look great amber… thanks for all your funny blog posts I cant wait to get the book!
You’re so lovely!
Wait, you live near Gaithersburg? I lived in Germantown, MD for 22 years! Second only to being far away from my family, I’m pretty sure missing out on meeting you is my biggest regret for having moved away.
Good luck at the book festival! My husband and I can’t wait to read the book!
See, taking the pictures was a positive “It will not be a bad feel” moment.
Great pic, beautiful lady, kick @$$ mommy!
Salute!
So I looked at your head shot, and now that you’ve spilled the beans, I can *totally* tell you’re thinking about chocolate ice cream.
Love the picture! Definitely a chocolate ice cream face! Like, “oooo chocolate ice creammm, mwahaha, I shall dash off to the bedroom and lock the door and savor the ice-creamy goodness all by myself.” Or something like that… that’s totally the idea/look I get about indulgences that I don’t have to share with the kids anyway. lol
Cute! Love the bio!
Are those your kids in the shop photos? They are absolutely gorgeous. :3
🙂 (I only wish I could make the smiley face bigger!)
love the blog and post! but one question, went to the link to see the pic, and this sentence confused me…. “She is a mom with two boys, a husband and two black cats” Are you a husband and two black cats???
I tried to buy your book through pre-order but it comes as “Not available in my country.” Your American fans are certainly lucky!!
Lovely picture, Miss!
Question about the crappy book…is it all new stuff?
Beautiful photo Amber! You’ve always between a gorgeous girl 🙂 I’m so excited to see your book! I will definately request that the Austin Public Library gets one at least and puts you in the local authors section. What an exciting time for you! Can’t wait to watch your continuing success with your writing.
Whoopsie…….*been* a gorgeous girl! Good thing I’m not a proofreader!
Best line,”prove that I don’t have a single strand of hair”. Haha! And great pic!
It IS a great pic! However , they forgot to mention the fish in your little bio thing. Now that his existence is known, you must mention him. And of course, that he is ugly as hell. That line on your fish post made me LMAO.
My copy is pre-ordered. I expect it to come pre-stained with chocolate ice cream. Please come to Seattle, you have legions of fans (legions! like Star Wars, only clutching Drink Water bottles instead of light sabers!)
xoxo
Betsy
gorgeous photo Amber! good luck with the book release and tour!
I figured you were being self-deprecating, but oh my goodness! You are so cute! And I don’t mean like in a fuzzy puppy way. I mean, what a great playful smile! I bet it’s a joy to be your friend. Chocolate ice cream looks good on you! 😉
you look absolutely beautiful in that picture! any chance you’ll be stopping by Tel Aviv, Israel on your book tour? 🙂 enjoy, and good luck!
Heeeeeyyyy… I’m a ‘burger! And am so there.
Chocolate ice cream is totally my happy place, too! 🙂 The pic looks great!
Wow – you’re beautiful. Must be your lovely boys keeping you young looking. Or chocolate!
wow, you’re gorgeous, amber. the sense of humor shines through those smiling eyes. 🙂
Wow! Maybe you really do draw crappy pictures. You head shot looks nothing like I imagined you to look like. Way to go Crappy Mama. All the blessings and joy and ice cream.
The picture turned out perfect. I like how you hair magically curl on the last drawing when you are thinking of chocolate ice cream 🙂
Aww you are so cute! You don’t look anything like your drawing.
So cute that thinking about chocolate ice cream softens your eyes and makes your hair curl a little 🙂 Congratulations! Beautiful photo!
Gorgeous! And delicious!
Great pic! I love that chocolate ice cream was your happy place. It would totally be mine too. And I think you should come to the crappy Midwest on your book tour…you know, to reminisce about your childhood and to give us poor midwesterners something to look forward to!
That is definitely a genuine smile! You look lovely! 🙂
Chocolate is def. a happy trigger thought for me too!
Your photo is without a doubt the best one, honestly. Everyone else looks tense, constipated and/or Muppet-like. I am a mom of 4, grandma of 3, so I know what all of that looks like. They must not have been thinking of chocolate ice cream….
I love how your hair curls in the relaxed crappy picture
hmm.. my brother just moved to Germantown which is really close to Gaithesburg from what I understand. I think I will need to bother him some so he goes in my place.
On a side note my 4yo just walked over as I’m checking out the Crappy shop and he says “mommy they’re wearing crappy shirts!”. Yeah he really likes your posts as well. 😉
Tooooo weird seeing that you’re a real person and not just a drawing lol!
Your photo is **great**!! Chocolate ice cream suits you well! Also, congrats on your book! Can’t wait to read it. I’m sure my husband will be smacking me at night while I burst into random fits of laughter as he tries to sleep. Oh well, so worth it!!
Hey Amber, I’m a “crappy” mom, too. Well, not quite as crappy as you are, but hey, no one’s perfect! Your blog makes me smile and laugh, a lot. And it always makes my kids harass me until I try to explain why I’m laughing so hard, which they never quite understand and then say that Mommy is just weird. Ah, the joys of having a grown-up laugh every now and then, even if it is still about poop! 😉 Oh, and by the way, your picture is fabulous!
Just pre-ordered your book on Amazon France, yay! Had to Hold myself back to not order at least five copies for friends and relatives already 😉
Any chance your book tour leads you to Europe, too? Southern France maybe? Don’t come during the Cannes Film Festival though, the weather is always bad!
And I missed the fish in your bio.
And I want chocolate icecream now as well.
Lovely picture!
Yep, those eyes have chocolate ice cream written all over them.
I totally knew what you looked like since I stalked you on your homeschooling blog! Adorable as ever!
How brilliant! Crappy pictures of a professional photo shoot! Your pic made me smile and I thought ‘yes, I’m happy you look so lovely’. 🙂 I’ve pre-ordered the book on Amazon UK but I have to wait until MAY!! My nearly 8 year old will be as excited as I am, he only reads aloud to me when reading your comics!
You look A-mazing!!! Can’t wait for you to come to Seattle (it’s really awesome here, please come)
I’m so excited you’re coming to Maryland! I live near Gaithersburg! I can’t wait!
Adorable! Just as cute as the old picture of you holding hands w/ the boys.
Wow…your picture is gorgeous! You must really love chocolate ice cream! 😀
During the line “I’ve been gone for several hours and Crappy Baby cried when I left because I ignored him all morning while I was getting ready,” I actually read “I’ve been gone for several hours and Crappy DADDY cried when I left because I ignored him all morning while I was getting ready.” LOL
I’m surprised your first thought wasn’t a giant glass of wine (or that you didn’t just have one before the shoot).
So excited you are going to be in Maryland!! But what if seeing you in person is liking watching the behind the scenes part of the DVD and saps out all of the crappy magic… Nevermind, I’m bringing friends and chocolate ice cream.
I love your hair change, from thinking about kids to chocolate the hair automatically curls up. Love it. LOL
So how do we get you to come to Australia? A certain number of pre-orders of your book, or what? Let us know!
Um, what kind of donut are we talking about here? :>
Ah shucks. You’re already smart, funny and talented. Do you have to be pretty too?
Great shot!
Lovely photo, Amber. I pre-ordered the book on Amazon, can’t wait to get my hands on it!
Awesome photo. It makes you look like you are in on some funny little secret — and Nina Blackwood. Woo. Now I’m really showing my age.
Your picture looks just like I pictured you in my mind. It’s a great pic!
Yay I’m from Maryland! Can’t wait to make my hubs and three boys wait in line. If they’re rowdy , I will blame it on my husband, if they do something cute and endearing, then they’re mine. 😀
I really wish I could afford this book…there are only so many things I can save $1 bills for, though…maybe I’ll borrow it from a rich friend. 🙂 Best wishes!
Cute pic! chocolate ice cream works! Chocolate cupcakes are also awesome!
Whoo-hoo! Gaithersburg is like 40 mins from me. Mos def an event I’m putting on my calendar!!!
Have loved your blog for a long time but haven’t commented before. Gorgeous photo. Cannot wait for the book! 🙂
Omg you are gorgeous! Xx
Never been so happy to say I’m a Gaithersburgian! Wait, Gaithersburger? That sounds like food. Um, I’m Gaithersburgish? Anyway, we have a cool book festival here. The authors love it! So will you! Yay!
Ice cream works for you, not sure how you did it but you look younger! Looking forward to the book festival!!
Well that’s no good. Your picture looks like all of those moms I despise at PTA meetings who have make-up on and look like they showered. WTH? I thought you were on my side!
That’s a GREAT picture! I thought you were going to say you had asked if one of your Crappy Mom pictures could be used instead. =)
So I’m not sure if I’m the first to say this, but you’re hot! Not exactly a typical parenting blog comment, but it needed to be said. Anyways although I have no kids I love the blog; I’m not just some weird stalker guy. Promise, haha.
you are beautiful and perfect and hilarious. =)
That’s awesome that you’re going to be in MD. Gaithersburg isn’t far from me, so I’ll try to make it out. I didn’t even know Gaithersburg had a book festival, so I’d be making the trip just to meet you. You’re my parenting idol. 🙂
You are so pretty!! I don’t think you give yourself enough credit in your blog and in your book so you should know 🙂
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