So since I have a book coming out next month I’ve had to do all sorts of fancy things in preparation. Most notably, I’ve had to prove that I’m a real actual person.
To prove that you are a real actual person you have to provide an author photograph. A professionally taken headshot. Headshot? You mean I can’t just use the one single decent photo of me from six years ago where I don’t look pregnant and crop everyone else out of it? Apparently, no. The headshot is supposed to be all professional and shit. Crap.
I get to her place.
We have several hours. I have several purple dresses with me. My hair and makeup looks great.
It is just my face that is the problem.
Wait, wait, wait. There is nothing wrong with my actual face. It is just the faces I MAKE with my face. They are all wrong. On camera. I’m tense. I look constipated. Or I smile too big and I look like a muppet.
But Jen is a pro and most people make crappy faces when they are in front of a camera.
She has a plan:
She explains that it helps to have a trigger thing that puts you in your relaxed and happy place. We just have to find out what my happy trigger is.
Hmmm, relaxed and happy. Make face normal. Make face happy. Make face relaxed. What? I can’t even think of anything, there is a camera in my face!
She has a suggestion:
Okay, think about my kids. Makes sense. This is for a parenting book after all.
Crap, I wonder how they are doing. I’ve been gone for several hours and Crappy Baby cried when I left because I ignored him all morning while I was getting ready and trying to make it look like I have more than one strand of hair.
Jen notices immediately that thinking about my kids is not exactly relaxing my face.
She switches gears:
Yum. I like those things.
And there you have it folks. Chocolate ice cream is my happy place trigger. And it only took her two tries.
You can see my headshot in it’s full chocolate ice cream glory here on the Gaithersburg Book Festival website where I’ll be Saturday, May 18th in case you are in the Maryland area. All other real life appearances are still unconfirmed. Except I’m pretty sure I’m going to Whole Foods later tonight to get some strawberries. (And now I must pause to bake cookies because that is what I do when I’m nervous and excited. Breathe.)
Also! If you are in the Los Angeles area, Jen of Jennifer Manley Photography has kindly offered a limited time seriously amazing deal to crappy readers: $125 for a family session (prints and/or digital images extra) and $200 for a headshot/portrait session (digital images included). Just say you are a crappy reader when you contact her. You can thank me later, she is tons of fun and very talented. Offer valid through May 1st, 2013.
^That deal up there? It is a crazy good one. Plus, she is a personal friend of mine so you’d be like 2 degrees of separation from me. That has got to be worth, like, at least the price of a donut.