Mama, I Want A Rat

I’m walking by carrying a laundry basket full of clothes to be put away. I hate doing laundry. This isn’t relevant to this story. I just wanted to say I hate laundry. Mostly because of how I do it.

So I walk by and Crappy Boy stops me:

tell-you-something-1

I pause. And listen.

tell-you-something-2

tell-you-something-3

Oh. The rat issue.

What is the rat issue? He has been lobbying to get a rat. He’s been lobbying hard.

I’ve used the excuse that we can’t possibly get a rat because we have two cats and the cats might eat the rat. (Which might actually be true. Small Crappy Cat is a serial lizard killer. I find their dismembered bodies littered all over the garage floor.)

But still, I should hear him out. Let him express himself.

Even though I know how this ends. This ends with us NOT getting a rat.

I have nothing against rats. I’ve held pet rats and they’re pretty cool. I just don’t want to take care of a rat. Two cats, a dog, an ugly fish and two ghost shrimps (or is there only one left?) and a handful of sea monkeys. I’m maxed out. We are not adding another living creature whose life I’ll be solely responsible for. I can barely manage to do the laundry!

 

So I listen to his argument:

tell-you-something-4

His argument is taking forever.

I already know what he is likely going to say. He has used this argument before.

He’ll either say keep the rat in a cage or keep the rat in a separate room.

tell-you-something-5

Why is this taking so long? Why am I so uncomfortable?

Suddenly, I realize how heavy this laundry basket is.

I put it down.

tell-you-something-6

I swear, ten minutes have gone by.

I can’t take this. Especially because no matter what his argument is, there is no way it is going to change my mind.

We’re not getting a rat. Just spit out so I can say no.

tell-you-something-7

That’s it.

I’ve got a 50/50 shot at guessing where he was going with this.

I blurt it out:

tell-you-something-8

He looks angry.

Apparently, I guessed wrong.

tell-you-something-9

I say “Sorry” and tell him to continue.

I sit down on the laundry.

tell-you-something-10

Oh no. He started over. This will never end.

Maybe he is torturing me until I break and say, “FINE. We’ll get a rat.”

I have to be strong.

tell-you-something-11

Yes? Because?

BECAUSE WHAT?

tell-you-something-12

Ahhhhhhh! Cut to the end! Please!

tell-you-something-13

Uh huh. And that was totally different than what I just said ten minutes ago.

Sigh.

Still no.

 

————

Crappy Update: Crappy Papa spent the day with the boys yesterday. They begged and begged for a rat. But they settled on a SPIDER. A fucking spider. There is a spider in my house. On purpose. It sits there in it’s spider cage on my kitchen counter staring at me and plotting revenge.

 

I should have said yes to the rat.

 

This entry was posted in crappy pictures, parenting, pets, six. Bookmark the permalink.

269 Responses to Mama, I Want A Rat

  1. Jacqui says:

    NEVER leave children unsupervised with their fathers!!

    • Amy says:

      So true! My daughter once had a 1st grade project to write about a chameleon. Her dad took her unsupervised to the pet store and came home with an iguana. O.o

      • Angela says:

        Iguanas are wonderful creatures but like all other animals they require veterinary care once in awhile. Exotic vets are harder to find and tend to be more expensive.

        We have a rescued iguana who we have spayed . She has her own dedicated room that is heat and humidity controlled.

        Iguanas have a life expectancy of 15+ years in captivity. I say + because it’s all dependent on how well they are taken care of.

        They are very relaxed and gentle lizards who need lots of love and attention just like cats and dogs.

        Green Iguana Society is a fantastic online resource.

    • sarah says:

      right?! worst. idea. EVER!

    • Rachel says:

      Truth

    • Avril says:

      Oh do you ever have that right!! My guys can con dad into almost anything!

    • Nichole says:

      My sister-in-law left her kids, who wanted a puppy, with her husband. They came home from the petstore… with a rat.

    • Pater Familius says:

      If you feel this way, you picked the wrong person to father your children.

      Don’t dad-bash. We’re getting tired of it.

    • Amy says:

      Absolutely – husbands have have zero will-power on the animal front.

      I’ll tell you a story about chickens sometime.

  2. Siobhรกn says:

    As an arachnophobic let me say “EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!”

    But the rat might not have been the better choice either. My brother had 2 and they ended up getting huge tumors and being put down by the vet. Gross and sad. Oh,and one bit me as I tried to feed it once. And I was not a young child, mind you!

  3. Sarah says:

    LOL. That’s amazing. Always say yes to the rat!

  4. Elaine says:

    Fathers are SO WEAK on the pet front. Sheesh. How hard is it to say NO?

    • Stef says:

      It’s not really weakness, it’s just that they will give a kid anything in order to shut them up.

      • Nikki says:

        So you mean if I just give my kids stuff they will stop whining? Maybe fathers are on to something. Hummm?

    • Jessi says:

      Yep. Or, maybe THEY want a spider/lizard/screeching cockroach that their mommy never let them have.

    • Abby says:

      “A fucking spider” LOL…Maybe he’s seeking revenge for something?

    • Delora says:

      Elaine – So is that how families end up with guinea pigs they hate and try to offload on their friends? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  5. Jana says:

    Just wanted to tell you that we got the book and my son (6) and I read it together. I skim over bad language and don’t let him read it by himself, but he LOVES the book and your blog.

    As to the spider, perhaps let the cats find it? BLECH.

    • Phaedra says:

      In order for the cats to find it, she would have to let it out of the cage. Then, she would have a spider wandering around her house without the promise that the cats WOULD find it! Lol!

    • annie says:

      Ha! My kids love it too and I had to hide it from them because of the language too! Amber should come.out with the crappy kid version!!

  6. Robin Jingjit says:

    Oh no, the starting over! It kills me when my boy does that!!!

    We did have a pet rat when I was a kid, and it was surprisingly likable. I loved it, and we did keep it in a…. Wait for it…. Cage!

    • Amanda says:

      We had pet rats growing up as kids and i would so totally choose a thousand rats over 1 spider. i would have told him that thing has to stay outside. thats……………….ugh no way. i wouldnt willingly have a spider living in my house. bad enough one night my husband came home with a scorpion put it in an empty coke bottle and left it on the counter. I almost had a heart attack when i went in the kitchen to see a small scorpion in a bottle on the counter.

    • Sanj says:

      When my daughter was a child, we lived in a rented government-controlled townhouse with a strict policy against domestic pets. Any infraction earned a 3-day eviction notice . They implied all pets, but only specified cats, dogs, fish and rabbits ( Awww.) Okaay, rules are rules, but… reasonable loopholes are blessings. Since pets are good for kids, and we lived there for 20 years, we figured it out: We had rats, mice, a rescued turtle, a one-armed crow (given to us by a vet), and a series of possums that we raised for a rescue organization. Every one of them passed official inspection and earned smiles from the management! Yay! Oh, and the spiders had to stay outside – they were so big that we named them all George.

  7. Kim Q says:

    Does that not accomplish one of your “things to possibly do once your book becomes a fabulous success”? Didn’t someone suggest a spider? Or wait, was it EAT a spider? Uh oh, the boys aren’t going to have a spider much longer- and that also solves your problem of taking care of it. LOL so much!

  8. Carly says:

    LMAO I never ever leave my husband and son go to a store, ANY store, without me. I don’t even trust them to sit on the computer together anymore. My son can navigate Amazon better than me now (and I am a pro lol). Dad’s always seem to give in and I don’t know why, it does jeopardize their sex life (at least in my house lolol).

  9. Ethan B says:

    Well, just don’t take care of the spider… let it survive on it’s own and hope it’s not a good hunter…

    Separately… I need to stop reading your posts while I’m at work (even if it’s on break)… I LOL too much!

    • Erin B says:

      That’s what I was thinking… easy pet because there is NO WAY I am opening the cage to feed it. No fucking way! The kids (girls in my case) would really get to see what happens when they are solely responsible for pet care.

      Learning experience all around.

  10. Jen D. says:

    Nooooooooooooo! I shudder just thinking of the spider in your house.

    • Natasha says:

      Acckkkkkk!!!!! A SPIDER??? I didn’t think it was possible to keep a creepy spider as a pet, let alone actually WANT to nurture one in one’s home. On purpose!
      (Mind you, I live in Australia, and quite a lot of our arachnids could flick a person off their mortal coil in the blink of an eye (or eight), so it’s hardly surprising we’re less inclined to welcome them to our bosom as a family pet.)
      Must say, I would also have plumped for the rats in hindsight. Or lizards. Or snakes. Or woodlice. Anything but spiders (and, ahem, cockroaches… bleerrrchhh.)

      • Dana says:

        I read a thing once, by some guy who trolls people, who said that the native language of Australians is screaming.

  11. I have only one son and two dogs and I can’t imagine taking on another living thing. When I started reading I was going to say that rats are considered one of the most easy to train animals. Then I read about the rest of your wildlife thought better of it.

  12. Lauriesl says:

    Haha this is so funny I am laughing on the bus! You’re an awesome mom. Good for you for taking last week to spend it with your kids! I’ve been meaning to buy your book and I’m going to order it this weekend!

  13. Sarah says:

    I’m so glad I’m not the only person who is very impatient for my kids to finish their thoughts. Oh, and my husband.

  14. Lisa says:

    Oh hell no. I’m pretty sure I have something in my marriage vows explicitly prohibiting such a thing. And in the kitchen, no less? I’d flip that thing into the garbage disposal so fast….

    • Genipher says:

      I second that!

    • Jessie says:

      I’ll THIRD that. I’m not even an arachnophobe, but EWWW. Spiders do not belong in my house. They can go live OUTSIDE, as Nature intended.

    • Phaedra says:

      I’m not sure what kind of spider, but I keep imagining a turantula (sp). Putting a turantula down the garbage disposal would be sooo gross! Lol!

      • Jessie says:

        Depends on the size of the tarantula. Not all of them are huge.
        However, that’s still pretty easily solved: Just run the water very shortly after you turn the garbage disposal on. I say AFTER because you don’t want to give the little devil the chance of being washed clear of the blades and then crawling its way back up out of the drain and into your house, where it will then run amok and most likely find its way into your bed at night.

        …. To anyone I may have just given nightmares to, I am sorry.

      • Samii says:

        Totally! Ewe.

  15. KpMcD says:

    UGH NooOoOoOoO! A rat would have been WAY better than a SPIDER. I’m so sorry for your… addition? Though I’d add that while the cat’s may have huge prey drive and hurt/ kill the rat, a rat isn’t going out without a fight. And they’re big enough to do some serious damage to a cat who’s not well versed in ratting. You know, for the next time they ask.

    • Lisa says:

      Yep, my pet rat flipped out when he saw my friend’s cat. The cat was merely curious and we saved the cat from a serious beating!

  16. Well, that’s one thing I won’t have to worry about. Mr. Sandwich does not like spiders.*

    *Although he does not generally kill them. He carries them outside in a tissue and sets them free. Mr. Sandwich has much more mercy than I do.

    • Shannon says:

      The Mr. in my house is the same way. Spiders are captured and carefully removed out of the house. If I want it dead I have to squish it myself…*sigh* Stupid spiders.

      • Amanda says:

        I beat them with my shoe and have taught my children too as well. everytime my 2 year old sees a spider he smashes it with his hand (i def didnt teach him to kill it that way.) you let it loose outside whose to say its not going to come crawling right back in. the only good spider is a dead spider

        • That is more my style.

        • Lisa says:

          If it makes you guys feel better, I once read that indoor spiders do not survive outside. They just aren’t built to last long in that environment. So everyone compassionately setting that spider free is really just dropping them into a dangerous competitive environment where they will likely get beat up and die. My favored method of killing spiders used to be starving them to death in a glass with a book on top. Squishing them was way too risky, it might escape, crawl around the tissue and get me. Let alone that crunch feeling when you do squish a bug… *shudder*

      • Tricia says:

        I have two spider removal methods, depending on the situation:
        1. Drowning. I rinse it down, then close the drain, then run some hot water into the sink before lifting the drain cover (just in case it’s crawled up and is just waiting for me to open the drain cover.)
        2. Capture, shake, release. This method involves capturing the offending insect in a Tupperware-like container, and covering it with a lid. Then, I give it a few good shakes, to disorient the spider. Then I swiftly open the door and hurl the spider as far away from the door as possible (while retaining the container–that’s why I shake it first, so it doesn’t crawl out of the container as I’m “setting it free”.) Sometimes I have to use a throwaway container like a leftover dairy product container and throw the whole thing in the yard (to be retrieved at a later date, perhaps in a week).

  17. Melanie says:

    Rat pee smells terrible. I had two, in a cage, a long time ago. They were sweet but they’d get crusted pee stuck to their tails and it was super gross. I doubt the spider smells half as bad.

  18. Brigitte says:

    Awwwww I’ve had pet rats. Lovely caramel colored hooded ones. They are quite wonderful creatures. Super smart. But yeah, they are all inbred and get cancer pretty quickly. It’s too sad for me.

  19. Carrie says:

    ooooh. Just for bringing home that spider I think Crappy Daddy should be put in a cage and left to fend for himself. My Crappy Husband knows he’ll be skinned alive if he ever does such a thing.

  20. Tiffany says:

    I had two rats growing up (not at the same time). I loved them. So did our cat… We used to call the rat-in-a-cage “catTv”.

    And oh the starting over! Helping almost always makes him start over, but really, just spit it out, kid!

  21. Andrea says:

    I’d throw out the spider first, then the husband, and I would hand the kids to him on the way out too. Then I would mix myself a vodka martini and enjoy the day/evening/weekend on the sofa with cats and the dog. For fuck’s sake – a spider???
    PS: if you need a place to stay, this borderline arachnophobiac will happily mix you that drink and offer spider free environment.

  22. Rose ASL says:

    Yikes! Maybe you can bribe small Crappy Cat into killing the spider. Or maybe just spray some toxic substance nearby the next time Crappy Papa takes them out. “Oops, sorry guys, the spider died while you were gone. I guess spiders don’t last long.”

  23. tara says:

    What the *@$(@$)@#$*)@#$@*#) does Crappy Papa not know you at all?!?! I swear that if my husband brought home a spider, I would kill it. I would squish it and tell my kids it died. Fuck spiders.

    Also, your cats would totally eat the rat. I had pet mice and our cats wouldn’t leave them alone and they ended up traumatized. And cleaning out mice cages SUCKS BALLS!! They poop all the time and you have to clean them like every 2 days.

    • Megan O. says:

      I am so with you. I laughed so hard at “A fucking spider.” Because that is EXACTLY what I would have said. As I was accidentally on purpose causing its death. No spiders in my house!!

  24. Liana W. says:

    A friend of mine once had a pet spider – a freakin’ black widow. He also had a pet scorpion. He kept them in the same cage; the spider kept to the top and the scorpion, obviously, stayed on the bottom. Every week or so he would toss a handful of live crickets into the cage. Ew.

    Then one day, something horrible happened. If you didn’t know, male black widow spiders are quite small. Apparently, one managed to find the caged (female) black widow, wiggle through the air slats, and mate with her. My friend found a large white egg sack hanging out in there and THAT was when he decided it was time for his “pets” to go away.

    As for the kid dragging out a simple sentence… yeah, I get that.

    • amber says:

      Ack! They know I would NEVER let a black widow in my house on purpose. Those are really the only spiders I hate and they’re all over our yard. Ours is a “friendly” spider. At least when the definition of “friendly” means it can’t kill us. Good enough.

      • jennie says:

        I once found a black widow IN my home ON my daughter’s girl scout vest when I went to iron it! I quarantined my bedroom until my neighbor came over and killed it. NO FLIPPIN WAY I would have one as a pet! I don’t like any spider (except for daddy long legs, because I was told they kill black widows) but I go crazy when I spot a black widow…which is every few months or so and usually outside.

        • Alicia says:

          I was told before that the venom of daddy long legs is way more powerful that that of black widows except that their fangs aren’t long enough to pierce human skin. Not sure as to the truth of this, but still creepy.
          And the spider in the house wouldn’t happen here. No way! No how! Bleh!
          P.S. Hoping I can get out to the book fair tomorrow ๐Ÿ™‚

          • Jennifer W says:

            The venom & biting part is wrong, but they do kill other spiders. Daddy longlegs don’t actually have a venom sac, and are scavengers, but will fight and eat other spiders. I thought the venom biting thing was true for the longest until I finally looked it up.

  25. Carol says:

    *shudders*

    I hope that thing dies quickly. I could never have a spider in my house as a pet!

  26. monkeycocoa says:

    hahaaa, lovely conversation!

  27. RealMomofNJ says:

    I had pet rats growing up (and yes, I’m female). They were really awesome. Like, really. Friendly, smart as hell, interesting… and, they don’t live long. Two years, tops. Think it over.

  28. Allison says:

    Oh dear God, a SPIDER?! Kill it! “Accidentally” spray it with some bug spray when they’re not looking. I don’t like rats, but that’s better than a spider any day!

    FYI: An excellent alternative to a rat is a gerbil. I raised them for years. They’re great and matriarchal.

    Kill. The. Spider.

    • amber says:

      I don’t trust gerbils. My friends all briefly had gerbils when we were kids. “Briefly” being the important part. They all died and my friends were crushed and it was a dark time in 3rd grade. LOL

  29. Kelly says:

    My brother and I had tarantulas growing up. Fascinating to watch eat and very low maintenance!

    • amber says:

      I’m not ready for a tarantula. Too…BIG. I know they are probably in my future. Gotta work up to that.

      • Rachel says:

        So what kind of spider did they bring home, if not a tarantula? I assumed thats what it was…

  30. Kathy says:

    My kids really want to bring home silk worms from school. I’m all for them being hands on with animals and insects, but I end up doing all the cleaning and feeding. I almost would prefer a mammal instead of squishy bugs.

  31. Sara says:

    It would be a shame if you took Spidey outside to get some vitamin D and fresh air, and then it decided to “escape”………. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Megan O. says:

      Escape: bad. That means he lives again to return to the house when you least expect. Unless “escape” means something more permanent ๐Ÿ˜‰

  32. Kristina says:

    Crappy Small Cat, meet Crappy Spider.

  33. Kelsey says:

    OOMMMGGG I’m laughing so hard at you disclaimer. “They settled on a spider. A fucking SPIDER.” LOLOLOLOLOLOLO

  34. Pipa says:

    And this is why our home has the “leg rule” The rule specifically states that any pet must have at least two, and no more than four legs.

    Pipa
    (mama to three)

  35. Sarah says:

    My cat is a great spider killer. Just sayin’. Though having also been bitten by rodents (just say no to hamsters too!) a rat might not be much better.

  36. Amanda says:

    We have pet rats. Honestly, I kind of envy you that spider, heebie-jeebie factor aside. Our rats are darling, cuddly, charming, engaging creatures. They also REEK. I wipe down their cage daily (a cage because, in addition to the rats we also have 3 cats, one dog, and four snakes because I am a weakling when it comes to saying no), clean up their little droppings from the bedding, and no matter what I do, 48 hours from the time of the full bedding changeout we once again have Rat Reek.

    The spider is freakout-inducing, but the spider does not stink up the house. From my side of the fence, the concept is near glorious.

  37. Lisa says:

    Oh hell no on getting a spider! If my husband ever brought home a pet spider, I think I’d have to get a divorce, and he could have custody of the spider. No way could I look at thing in my house every day. You’re a braver soul than I!

  38. Heidi says:

    A spider is also not safe from a cat. As a kid my husband had a tarantula that they discovered had died by the cat crapping on TOP of it while it was in it’s cage. Death by suffocation/squishification by cat crap – couldn’t be worse.

  39. Lena says:

    AHHHHH!!! HORRIBLE! I say “accidentally” let the spider loose and step on it. I’d have no issue with a rat. My philosophy is anything with 4 legs or less is cool, but the more legs a creature has the more I want to simultaneously pee my pants, scream like a little girl and cry. Go with the rat…

  40. Desiree says:

    I am laughing my butt off right now. I grew up refusing to let my parents get any type of reptile or amphibian while I was in the house or “something” would happen to it. So to be fair as soon as I moved out I bought him a tarantula for Christmas. Five years later he graduates and joins the Navy. My mother brings me the tank and said “Here, you have boys now, you can have it back.” I was so not happy about that thing being in my house!!!

  41. Paulina says:

    I’ve never commented before, but….AWW HELL NO! I could never ever allow a spider to be kept as a pet inside my house. If a spider makes an impressive web outside in the garden, fine that’s cool let it be. But inside my house is off limits. OFF LIMITS!
    Sorry for shouting. I love your blog.

  42. This exact conversation happens in my house every day. (Minus the part about the rat.) Just the long winded explanation, the “not at all what I was going to say”, and the laundry. Oy vey, the laundry.

  43. Jennifer says:

    I’m pretty sure the spider would “go on vacation” as soon as the kids weren’t looking. Possibly with my husband … forever … spiders do NOT belong in my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only good spider is a DEAD one!

  44. TC says:

    Oh fuck! A spider is way less cuddly than a rat!

  45. BeckyKay says:

    No. I would have been FURIOUS if my husband brought home a spider. No.

    Do rats eat spiders? You should get a rat. Or whatever eats spideres.

  46. Emily says:

    My father let us bring home a Nintendo when mom left him in charge of us. Much better than a spider.

  47. Laurie says:

    OH…. And Thanks for the reminder… I almost spoiled my clothes in the washer (AGAIN) ๐Ÿ˜‰ got to put them in the dryer before I forget I need an award badge today! lol Or maybe I just need clean undies… anywho, I love your blog ๐Ÿ™‚ and I agree.. NO rats or spiders!!! I am glad my husband is against pets!!!! lol I got lucky!

  48. Rachel says:

    Wow. Crappy Papa needs smacked upside the head. Who gets a spider for a pet? Insects, arachnids, and reptiles were never meant to be pets. I actually rather like snakes & lizards, I think they’re cool; but I don’t think they should be kept as pets. They have no interest in human interaction at all. I can get behind having some fish, because there are some pretty fish out there…as for ugly or weird animals, the only thing I could get behind is maybe an octopus, because they’re smart and interesting to watch, they play with toys and stuff…but Spiders, scorpions, anything else like that?!?!–hell. no. Why? Just…oh why?!

    And I’m with you on the rat–not into rodents. I had a hedgehog once…he was cute but not very fun.

    Also I’m afraid to ask–why is the spider in the kitchen? Of all the places to keep a pet cage, that would not be the first place to come to my mind. I think you should secretly get rid of it and pretend that it escaped…

  49. Brandy P says:

    We got two male rats if Feb. If you do eventually get one do your research first (they should be bought in same sex pairs). They are very sweet animals and cleaner than I would have expected. They clean themselves so much they remind me of cats. As someone with a sensitive nose their cage is not offense at all. I clean it about once a week. My only complaint is they like to mark you. They dont full out pee, but theyll dribble a little and smear it on you. Not sure if its a universal trait or not, but over all it’s worth it . Lol

  50. Jenny Ramsey says:

    You are a very nice Mama. I would have told them that they could absolutely have their pet spider…in the apartment they’d be moving to. I’ve informed my husband in no uncertain terms that the day he brings a spider, snake or scorpion into this house is the day I move out of it.

  51. Cher says:

    OMG… that was not the ending I expected. By ending, I mean the update.

    I have a rule about anything with more legs than the dog…. it is not welcome in my house. Spiders are immediately out based on this simple rule. *shudder*

    …Although there is a selfish part of me that just maybe looks forward to crappy spider stories.

    ๐Ÿ™‚

  52. Jen says:

    I cant wait to see the crappy drawing of the spider…

  53. Custard says:

    I ended up with rescue rats. A pupil at school found them abandoned in their cage in the rain down a back alley. We brought them inside to keep safe whilst we phoned the RSPCA, and never made the phone call. So now we have class pets and 6 months on the kids still argue over who gets to clean them out each week!
    They go to my mum’s during the school hols (husband won’t have them in the house long term) and her cats ignore them. Which explains why the cats were *so* helpful when I had a critter (suspected rat) living under my floor. They just didn’t give a shit!

  54. Jessie says:

    You say no to the rat, so they bring home a SPIDER?!
    Whoo whoo! All aboard the Nope train, making stops at Hellno Town and Fuckthatville!

  55. K says:

    Ahh! I’m huge on showing everyone that rats are awesome pets! However I’d probably agree on you not getting a rat because 1) you’d probably end up taking care of it. 2) your boys seem too young to be able to gently handle a poor little rat. 3) while there have been reports of cats getting along with rats, yours seems like quite the bad ass.

    BUT if you ever do consider getting a rat, please get them from a rat breeder (not that hard to Google up, but also being in SoCal I know the closest are sometimes in San Diego but hey make it a fam day trip) and NOT a pet store. Mostly for the simple reason that rat breeders breed their rats for things like temperament and longevity, AND you can get the rats when they’re babies! This is important because then you won’t get mean rats who have spent their whole lives in pet stores, but instead nice friendly rats that will love you forever. Unfortunately rats have a lifespan of 2-5 years so there might be some traumatizing goodbyes or maybe it’ll be the right amount of time for short attention spans.

    ALSO MICE =/= RATS. Yeah they’re both rodents but it’s like comparing a chihuahua and a poodle. Rats be all class and smart, yo.

    WTF ON THE SPIDER THOUGH
    You can’t even cuddle them!

  56. Colleen says:

    A spider????????? OH HELL NO!!!!!! Run for your life!!!!!!!!!!

  57. Madeleine says:

    Oh no, I definitely would have chosen rat over spider too. And nothing over either of those choices.
    Have you and your boys read “I wanna iguana” – it’s relevant!

  58. brianna says:

    Awwww, poor spider! ๐Ÿ™ I think they’re kind of cool, ummm maybe I’m just weird, wouldn’t volunteer to bring a poisonous one into my house though. I had rats when I was a kid, 12 actually, loved those things. Best pets ever, cheap to get, low cost to maintain, eats anything, friendly, snugly, smart, doesn’t take up much space. I currently have 4 kids, 3 goats, 5 geese, 6 ducks, 8 chickens, 1 dog, 1 cat, 6 parakeets, and 2 cockatiels aaaaaaannnnnnddd I would LOVE to add rats to that list but at this point, I know better. LOL P.S. I hate laundry too!

  59. Beth says:

    Our school has a rat. Cutest rat I’ve ever seen. Everyone loved him until he stopped being able to go home with kids for the weekend when he hit puberty and became more aggressive.(!) You’re already stuck with your kids when puberty comes. No parent needs to sign on for an extra round of that — with a rodent.

  60. LaurenC says:

    Oh hellz no to a spider. Not unless it’s that one online with a French accent that buries itself in the sand. That one is kind of funny.

    • teagansmomma says:

      that Spider Is Funny, But he’s Fine Were He Is. In The Computer. Ugh…

    • Jessie says:

      While I love that video myself, I would NOT want one of those things in my house. Sand Spiders are venomous.

  61. wendy says:

    I made a rule long ago…nothing that has to live in a cage. My kids (now teenagers) have lobbied long and hard for several species of rodent pets.

  62. Keeley says:

    This post made me laugh so hard! “A fxxxing spider”
    It would be disappearing up my vaccumm cleaner (accidentally on purpose) and then put back in its box!! No more spider!!
    Love your blog but hate that I’m in UK and your book (which I’ve preordered is not being delivered until May!
    Keep up the great work. X

  63. Shannon says:

    I remember having to bring the class rat home over the weekend. My cats stared at it all weekend and it just sat there, shaking, and didn’t eat. It lost weight, so my mean teacher gave me a bad grade.

    Now, we have two kids, two dogs, two cats, and a guinea pig. The four carnival fish died. The guinea pig is in our room and is nocturnal.

  64. Susan says:

    That’s just a lose-lose situation for you.

    If my husband brought a spider home, I would move out. No fucking way.

  65. Heather says:

    My step-daughter keeps talking about getting a snake…I am like hell no…. No snakes in this house-I’ll deal with the one we had in the walls (black snack) that ate all the rats/mice… Until it showed itself and then it died… We have one dog in the house-2 fish, and an Leopard Gecko that I bought for my step-daughter but after she got pregnant she quit taking as good care of it-So I took it back over. I love lizard that have legs… I’ve had two iguana’s (they didn’t live very long). I’ve had hamsters (2-3) fish, dog, cat all growing up.. Oh and we had hermit crabs for awhile for my son.

  66. Heather says:

    oh and we have enough spiders in this house that I don’t want one caged-although at least I would know where it was and it couldn’t sneak up on me

  67. Stephanie says:

    I told a man selling tropical plants out of the back of his van at Starbucks that I was responsible for keeping two kids and a dog alive and I that I have a patio full of dead plants that didn’t get enough water because our “rainy” season was a non-starter. LOL.

    I had a pet rat once, in high school. Super awesome – terrifyingly smart. I wouldn’t object to a pet rat on principle, but like you, I can’t be responsible for remembering to feed anything else.

    There will be no spiders living in my house. I appreciate the role they play in my yard and they can stay there. OUTSIDE of my house. *shiver*

  68. Jennifer says:

    A spider?!?! EEEEEK!!!! I have chills just thinking about it!

  69. Matt says:

    I hope you send checks to Allie Brosh. Wow.

    • Jill says:

      Right, she shares a cut of her whole $100 that she made last year to another writer just because she also draws pictures. Read the FAQs.

    • Devan says:

      Allie has not drawn anything in years, and besides, her stuff looks completely different from Ambers! What, there can only be one female sketch blogger?? In no way is Amber ripping her stuff off or copying. They are not even the same kinds of stories. I am sure Allie would agree. The nerve of some people….

  70. christin says:

    I would be spraying Raid in that spiders home asap.

  71. Quinn says:

    We have rats *and* a tarantula (among other things!). You know spiders live for yeeeeears right? We’re expecting at least a decade out of ours.

  72. joanne says:

    “…staring at me and plotting revenge.” LOL
    I’m so glad my hubs hates critters. He keeps freeing whatever they bring home from school. (Crayfish, beetle, etc.)
    The only reason we even have a cat is because it’s a condition on being married to me.

  73. Hope says:

    I would have to move out. Rat – tolerable. Spider – well one of us would have to die. And spiders are more squishable than people.

  74. Jenn says:

    When I was a jr in high school I brought home pet snake. My mom was not impressed. It died when I went to camp that summer…

  75. Bee says:

    Ohhhhh dear! But I thought you were terrified of spiders!!!

  76. Trisha W. says:

    I love it. I hope you are keeping a few funny morsels for Crappy Book, Take 2. Your fans will need to own more Crappiness!

    • Trisha W. says:

      P.S. What happens if the spider ‘accidentally’ escapes from the cage the next time the three Crappy guys are out of the house and you beat the crap out of it when it startles you? #SpiderPetProblem Solved

  77. Nicole says:

    Sheeeoyt. Crappy Papa really hates you, doesn’t he….

    Did he want a bigger part in the book or something??

    *shudder*

  78. Mandie M says:

    Now what you need to do is let him get a frog. One you keep in the same cage as the spider. Or a bird. That can swoop in and eat the spider. Or anything laced with spider poison that you can call a new “cage decoration.” Then get the rat. Ya know, to keep from getting a replacement spider.

  79. Beth C says:

    We have a cat and three children. That’s enough for me right now. All of the kids want a dog, but the cat is dogphobic. So, no. Especially, since I’d be the one stuck taking care of it.

    Also, I can count on spiders and snakes not showing up in the house. Greg is just as afraid of spiders as I am and he knows better because I have Ophidiophobia. I also cook the food he eats and would like that food to stay at quality awesome.

  80. Julie says:

    Sorry…my answer would be…”absoluletly not, no way, no how!” To the spider AND the rat. We have dogs…I could do birds, fish, turtles and hampsters (all of which I had growing up). I’m allergic to cats….so they would be out too.

  81. Amy Cappelli says:

    This is all too familiar. We’ve been through this before with my ten year old daughter. Guess what? I’m a freakin’ sucker. We have two rats now (who live in a cage). We adopted them from a rescue organization for a very small fee. Within two weeks of getting them we realized that they had respiratory issues. We spent over $400 between vet visits and medicine to clear them up. I don’t think I’ve spent that on my 12 year old dog in her life time of care. Guess who got to give them their medicine, have her hands torn to shred, listen to them make other worldy noises in protest? It wasn’t the 10 year old girl who made a commitment to take care of them forever and always. And I clean their cage every day. Every. Day. (Because they love to urine bomb their cage). But my daughter helps by snuggling with them. They do like to snuggle- in warm places like under your shirt (or in your hair). It’s a good thing that they are sweet and cute- because we have a cat and two dogs who would really love to ‘play’ with them.

  82. Haha! You SHOULD have said yes to the rat. Pet rats are really low-maintenance and only live 2-3 years.

  83. Julie B. says:

    Yeah. Spider. Uh-uh. Now is the time to teach them all about natural habitats. And how a cage in a house is not a spider’s natural habitat. But now a small clearing on the edge of Costa Rica – that’s an excellent natural habitat. For all spiders.

  84. Megan says:

    a fucking spider.

    pretty much sums it up.

  85. Leah says:

    First of all, my eldest son does this to me… All. The. Time. ๐Ÿ˜€

    Second, we had pet rats (and cats). The rats were in a cage and were the easiest pets I’ve ever care for. I did have to clean out their cage every two weeks. I litterbox trained them, so they kept their cage fairly clean. They were NOT afraid of the cats AT ALL. In fact, it was the other way around–too funny.

    The reason that we don’t have them anymore is that they only live two years max. It was so sad.

    And OMG if my husband came home with a spider, he would be thrown out of the house along with it!!

  86. Chrissy says:

    HAHAHAHA!!! You’re not going to have to take care of the SPIDER now too, are you? Seriously, who’s going to feed/water it?

  87. Shannon says:

    We have pet worms. 20,000 of them (give or take 1000) in our community garden. Most of the parents can’t stand them but the kids LOVE them all wiggly. Tomorrow we are having a worm festival…ode to the worm. If you end up in NYC on your book tour and want to see what other pets are out there, come on by! In NYC every parent would say no to a rat too…we have enough in the subways, thank you very much!

  88. todayiprayed says:

    Should we be looking for the next post on Crappy Dad’s new localรฉ or burial in the future? ๐Ÿ˜€
    As said many times previously: yep, you should have said yes to the rat… *sigh*
    Have a good day…

  89. Elizabeth says:

    Oh hell no.

  90. My husband had pet rats with a girlfriend before he met me. He said he was playing with one and it bit him (through his shorts) on his penis. This just confirms my belief; the only good rat is a dead rat. Caveat:I grew up on a farm so I may be biased against rats.

  91. Bethany says:

    Yuck! I’d have a rat over a spider any day! Rats actually make good pets, I’ve had them before but I feel you on the not wanting more pets to take care of part. Even though we had a really sweet dog growing up I wanted a puppy and begged and begged. My mom said there were laws on how many pets you could have, possibly true but definitely an excuse to give me. I even tried to sneak it onto my wish list for Santa without my parents seeing. I figured if Santa gave ma a puppy there was nothing they could do ๐Ÿ˜‰

  92. Brook says:

    I had a pet rat.
    (They were on sale: buy 1 get 10. we declined. should have been a warning.)
    Then I had EIGHT pet rats.
    (not separated early enough at the pet store.see above warning)
    I gave one to my cousin and suddenly he had 6 or 7.
    Then the tribble really started. We had to get rid of them all shortly after that.

  93. Andrea says:

    No. Noooo! Anything but a spider. OMGOMG. My husband and his spider would be living at my ILs house until he got rid of it.

  94. Jen says:

    We had a cat and a rat. The rat hated us but loved the cat. One day the neighbor came over and accidentally killed the rat (she was never allowed over again. She was too rough). The cat was so sad, she just sat and meowed for a half hour. So cats and rats can be friends.

  95. Mandy says:

    Eek!!

    EEEKEEEKSPIDERSPIDEREEEEEEEEEK!!!

    I have to confess the only reason I gave in and got a cat… Was to hunt and kill the big scary spiders that wanted to share our apartment with us. Luckily for us he turned out to be an awesome cat and the kids adore him. Less luckily we moved to a less spider-infested house and don’t want to let him run around outside, you know, because the kids love him so… So he has nothing to hunt and spends his time at the window chattering at the birds that he’s totally going to eat them, then yowling at me to let him out. Of course, when we do go out with him he is way too fat to climb trews and catch birds, so he just gobbles up grass so he can come in and throw it up – to protest not being outside catching birds.

    He would probably love a playdate with Crappy Spider. (shudder)

  96. Jaz says:

    Yep. You should have said yes to the rat. Rats live only 2-3 years, and a nice pet rat is very sociable and easy to care for. Pet spiders (tarantulas) can live up to 25 and are a PITA as you have to buy them live food (some of which can get out of the cage). The beauty of it, though, is it’s easier to sneak a spider into a dorm so one of your boys can take it with him when he moves out (if it is still with you). XD

  97. Mala says:

    I’m sitting here snickering reading your mail on the f’ing spider. I have these ugly spiders that my 4 year old discovered from Halloween while unpacking the house and I secretly threw it in the trash after he went to bed. LOL! I got your book in the mail yesterday, read it cover to cover and snickered all through. My four year old thinks I was reading a book about our lives and kept pointing to the pictures to ask what he was doing and what my 17 month old was saying. LOL!

  98. christy says:

    ACK! No.

    spider = divorce

    At least, that is the threat I regularly deliver in my house. Like, “DO NOT chase after me with that spider again, if it accidentally gets on me, I am filing for divorce!”.

    It’s never taken seriously, but I still stand by my threat damn it.

  99. Lisa says:

    I tell my kids they can have all the pets they want. On FarmVille.

  100. RachelW says:

    I would have left the house. No f’ing way am I purposefully in the house with a spider. They can fend for themselves if they want to at that game.

  101. Jennifer says:

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A spider, eek!!!!!!

  102. Kylee says:

    Omg your husband is lucky you let him live… No no no no spiders… Just no… You should have said yes to the way less creepy rat… Ugh I’d say yes to anything before I’d let that spider in the house!!!

  103. Woolies says:

    I think the spider is plotting her escape route. She will just…one day soon….be missing! She escaped! She didn’t like living in a cage!
    Who am I to talk? We have 4 dogs, 2 cats (currently), 2 horses, a wild pony that we (I) just recently rescued, and a desert tortoise.
    They can come play with the spiders here that hang out all over the place because I’m too busy with the animals to clean.
    Or do laundry.
    Just sayin’.

  104. Rat vs tarantula? I’d take the rat every time. My that was certainly a wild card pick of a pet if I ever heard one. Ohhhh, if only you had known!

  105. Julee says:

    It’s just as well you didn’t get a rat – I have three, they are GREAT pets but they are very high-maintenance if you really want to treat them well. You can’t have just one, as they are social mammals who need constant interaction with each other (unlike hamsters who are solitary and territorial by nature). You also need to give them out-of-cage exercise at least one hour a day… yeah, not a good pet to have if you have other large pets. They’re a little too smart too just be left rotting in a cage all day!

  106. Willow M. says:

    I would have called the lawer on that one… just sayin’.

  107. Laura says:

    No spider–no spider no spider NO SPIDER. Gack–I shudder thinking of it. No no no NO SPIDER.

  108. weenerchickendeener says:

    LOL this is too funny. You crack me up. I also HATE LAUNDRY!!

  109. elizabeth says:

    I have no comment other than, “Oh, you poor thing.”

  110. Nickol says:

    Spiders die.
    Spiders die from bug spray.
    Spiders could even die from bug spray covertly sprayed onto a cottonball placed in the spider home and then stealthily removed.
    (I’m just saying…)

  111. Nora N says:

    LOL! Ughh this is how our kid tells storys..or Anything..half a lifetime later he’s still stuttering to come up with a point =/

  112. Nicole says:

    Bahahaha…. a fucking spider… bahahahaha!!!!

    p.s. i used to own a snake… i also had rats but they were dead… and kept in the freezer… to feed the snake ๐Ÿ˜‰

  113. Emily says:

    I can’t say that I would totally trust my husband not to come home with some pet, but I definitely trust him not to bring home a spider. It breaks my number of legs threshold. Anything with 4 or less legs, I will give the benefit of the doubt, probably feed, and possibly bond with. Anything with more than 4 legs will be killed on sight.

  114. Jennifer Moore says:

    Just tell them you are allergic, to the rat, I mean…My mom is quite allergic to cats and told my sister and I that we were allergic too. What a great fib to tell your children. But… they will figure it out just like I did when I stayed at a friends house with their cats and dogs and not one sneeze cam out of me! Damn fib!

  115. Lulu says:

    Oh LORD, if I came home to a pet spider, I think I would screech “Get the rat! Go ahead and get a rat! Just get rid of the spider!” ….I hate spiders so much.

  116. Sophie Wolford says:

    We have 10 rats!!!! They make the BEST pets, especially to little kids because they don’t really bite….I highly recommend finding a local rat rescue ๐Ÿ˜€

  117. Al says:

    I’d say the cats “found it” right after I flushed it down the toilet, after I stepped on it. Or more likely I’d kick the hubs out along with the spider. I don’t like spiders, shudder! Thank God the hubs is just as arachnophobic as I am, if not more ๐Ÿ™‚

  118. Moms who condone animals are the best!

    My own mom is one. While we did have a tarantula at one time, her zaniest pet had to have been the black widow spider that lived in a jar in our kitchen for awhile. The end of that story, which you may or may not enjoy, is in this blog post I wrote in tribute to my mom’s lenient attitude toward animals:

    http://alainamabaso.com/2012/05/13/sailing-and-tarantulas-an-unauthorized-tribute-to-my-mother/

    In other news, I read the most fascinating thing about rats today on Mary Roach’s new book, “Gulp.” Apparently rats’ digestive systems have evolved so that they actually need to consume their own rat turds to gain adequate nutrition from their rat diets. Now if you ever do get a rat, that should make for some good Crappy conversations.

  119. Phew, somehow I thought the story was going to end with a rat already being in the laundry basket!!!

  120. Jewel C says:

    Rat’s are amazing pets! They are cleaner than hamsters & gerbils, they rarely if ever bite, they may nibble to test to see if you are food, otherwise humans are off the menu. They are extremely affectionate and social, so you must get 2 unless you plan on spending 3-4 hours a day with a rat on your shoulder or in your pocket! I recommend rats as pets to anyone!!

    *Spiders* not so much. :/ *squish*

  121. Beth says:

    LMAO!!!! My son is the exact same way. Some stories take forever and if you suggest something that he was probably going to say, he always gets mad and says the same thing.

  122. MICHELLE says:

    Hey, you know what you should do? (this has nothing to do with your post at all) you should make crappy family window stickers. You know how they have the stick family window stickers and the “We ate your stick family” Zombie ones? Yeah, you have the whole family on the back car window. Crappy Family stickers would be cool. I’d buy those.

  123. Dave says:

    You got a spider. For real! Gross.

  124. Noelle says:

    Raid makes a great snack for a spider. Sticky traps make great toys for a spider. Just saying.

  125. Gwen says:

    When my son was in elem school another classroom’s rat had babies. When the time came for the babies to leave Mama, a note went home with all the kids in that grade level. Bring in a note signed by the parents stating their acceptance of one baby rat and it was all theirs. He begged, he pleaded, he begged some more. Finally his Dad says “If you finish all your homework with no more than the usual mistakes in half an hour you can have a rat.” I was to be timer and judge. Our son made the goal and got to tell his father. Dad looked at me like “What happened!?” Oreo lived a short, but well loved life. One day Oreo became stiff. It was kinda funny until he didn’t snap out of it. Then realization set in. Tears fell and lessons were learned. Oreo was buried beside a flowering almond bush with full ceremony.

  126. kayk says:

    1 for Team Spider!

    My Husband is an entomologist (likes bugs) He brought with him to our marriage some two dozen tarantulas in their aquariums.
    12 years of marriage and five children later we still have them and I have to say I wouldn’t trade one tarantula for a hundred rats ๐Ÿ™‚

    Our farm has plenty of rats already, thankfully they’re in the barn getting eaten by our cats ๐Ÿ™‚ Can’t….stand…..rodents….

  127. mindy says:

    let me break down the oxygen breathers in my house…..

    me (single mom, full time employed working w/behavioral youth)
    1 daughter (13.5 years, not lbs….enough said)
    2 German Shepherds, 105 lbs each
    1 Chihuahua, 5 lbs
    4 cats, 2 girls, 2 boys, all f’ing psychotic
    2 fire bellied toads w/a companion of 1 fire bellied newt
    4 chickens in my jacuzzi bathtub b/c i haven’t finished building the damn coop yet
    and last but not least……
    1 lovely rat named Buttons, who is BY FAR, the easiest to maintain in the whole freakin’ household.

    you really should have gone for the rat.

  128. Shelly says:

    I hate spiders, but rats stink…and pee, and poop..and require regular cage cleaning. Surely the kids will not want to hold the spider, so that’s a plus. And, they eat bugs…also which I dislike. I think you made out okay.

  129. Ann says:

    This reminds me of my favourite ever poem….

    Mother Doesn’t Want a Dog
    by Judith Viorst

    Mother doesn’t want a dog.
    Mother says they smell,
    And never sit when you say sit,
    Or even when you yell.
    And when you come home late at night
    And there is ice and snow,
    You have to go back out because
    The dumb dog has to go.

    Mother doesn’t want a dog.
    Mother says they shed,
    And always let the strangers in
    And bark at friends instead,
    And do disgraceful things on rugs,
    And track mud on the floor,
    And flop upon your bed at night
    And snore their doggy snore.

    Mother doesn’t want a dog.
    She’s making a mistake.
    Because, more than a dog, I think
    She will not want this snake.

  130. Sara says:

    Did they name him Rocco? ๐Ÿ™‚

  131. SD Murray says:

    My husband hid a snake in our basement for a few weeks. Thank god I overheard him offering it to my brother instead of discovering it on my own. (justifiable homicide right there!) I told him I was checking into a resort and ordering room service and spa treatments all day every day until the thing was out of my house. He’s extremely cheap & it was gone in 20 minutes.

  132. Lauren says:

    Eek! My husband would be too afraid to bring a spider home! Not because of me, mind you, it’s his house too (though I would not exactly be thrilled with the situation). He’d be too afraid of the spider!

    I always wanted a mouse as a kid, but my mother wouldn’t hear of it. I vowed that when I had a house of my own, I’d get one. Now that I have 2 small humans to feed and a dog (which is a lie, my husband feeds the dog, I barely remember to feed myself. Ehem. He often feeds me too.), there’s no way I’ll live up to my dream! Maybe when we retire?

  133. Elizabeth says:

    Seriously!? A spider!? Has Crappy Papa even met you? I have spider fear, too, and if my husband came home with one he’d better be bringing home the deed to a second house as well since that’s where I’d be sleeping.

  134. Ant farms are pretty sucky too. Especially when they get knocked over twice a day and a few escape (only to get gushed). Then the rest have to rebuild all their little tunnels. It’s almost sad, except for the fact that they’re ants. Ants that we paid for and that came in the mail. Because backyard ants apparently aren’t the right kind to knock over and torture twice a day…

  135. Laura says:

    This just begs to be seen at this time….

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

  136. Erica says:

    Aaaaaand that’s how we ended up with a snake, because I couldn’t stand the snake-related requests, repeated and repeated and repeated. Slowly. It’s a well-known form of torture. It was for my own survival that I acquiesced to the snake.

  137. Lisa says:

    1. Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!
    2. Why are children incapable of completing a thought even though they insist that we listen to every word? Seriously, why?
    3. I solved my laundry problem by quitting folding. I just throw everything in drawers. Except I make my five year old throw all her own stuff in drawers. It’s fucking awesome.

  138. Lena says:

    I would not want a rat or a spider.

  139. megan says:

    I so hate spiders. Crappy Papa needs to be referenced to my favorite entry of yours: gifts from children ๐Ÿ™‚
    PS – I bought your book at Target, yeah!

  140. Jess says:

    Totally should have gone with the rat! Between my fiance, myself, and our girls, we have: 1 horse, 3 dogs (plus a Leader Dog for the Blind in training pup), 3 cats (plus a foster cat), 3 rats, and Clifford the big red fish. I’m the one that brings them all home lol!

  141. Emerald says:

    A fucking spider. There is a spider in my house. On purpose. It sits there in itโ€™s spider cage on my kitchen counter staring at me and plotting revenge.

    THIS. OMG I almost fell out of my chair, most definitely should’ve gone for the rat, also don’t let your husband take the children shopping anymore, obviously.

  142. kim says:

    Ewww… Should’ve gotten a rat. I did tons of research when my daughter wanted a pocket pet. And unlike all others, rats won’t bite. They bond with their owners – like a tiny dog. You can teach them tricks, they have such personality. I bought daughter a couple rats (you need to buy them in pairs) and I ended up falling in love with them. They are so much fun…..

  143. Tessa says:

    A SPIDER?!?!?! I would rather have a rat. Pulling my feet off the floor now. SHIVERING!!!!!!

  144. Leanna says:

    My hubby knows his limits this is why I always take the youngest to Petsmart (just to look around). That little boy wants a dog so bad. My hubby would cave in an instant and he is the one that always proclaims we can not afford to feed another mouth. So every couple of months me and the boy go looking around Petsmart. We love watching the dogs in doggie daycare. I always tell my hubby if anything happens to him I am getting a cat. He is allergic.

  145. Ellen says:

    I always say, “Nothing else that eats or poops”. And we don’t even have pets. The kids do enough of both things, thank you very much. Even my husband says he’d walk a dog. And feed it. Riiiiiiight.

  146. Sanj says:

    I think Crappy Papa’s bringing home a yucky spider (eeewwwwww, sorry) was a brilliant strategy to get you to give in to getting a rat. Keep us posted!

  147. Nancy says:

    Eeek! I’m glad I have a daughter. She would NEVER get a spider at the pet store.

  148. Kara says:

    Cats like to hunt spiders…just in case something..um..untoward..were to happen to said spider. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I despise spiders. I know, I know, they eat mosquitoes and other bugs, blah, blah, blah…but they’re creepy. And my older brother made me watch Arachnophobia too many times as a kid. And IT. Which is also why I despise clowns.

    • Ali says:

      Clowns! So creepy! I have always feared them, and never understood why some children flock to them.

  149. My son has a pet STUFFED rat. Best thing ever. I can’t take another living thing- two kids, three dogs, two birds and two hermit crabs. I’m done. No more.

  150. Ali says:

    Um, I hope you don’t have to actually feed the spider and change its cage! Ew. Gross. Not cool, Crappy Papa.

  151. A SPIDER???? Dear God, no.

    Thank you for the much needed laugh after a week of watching this crazy world.

  152. Grandma Rocks says:

    #1-Crappy Poppa needs a spankin
    #2-Crappy Spider is very sad and needs to go home to his mother. (A successful tactic used repeatedly on me by my mother and then of course, I did on my daughters. ) . It works amazingly well.
    A spider??? “OFFS!!!” (Oh For Fucks Sake!!!) :0)

  153. The Mommy says:

    We have hissing cockroaches–on purpose. They wore me down….

  154. Sarah says:

    Oh.My.God! A SPIDER?! I’d be moving out LOL! I hate spiders. So much. Eek.

  155. Adrienn says:

    Yea, I have read they make good pets but I just couldn’t do it either. They are smart and can handle some rough handling (which is why I thought-for 1 second- about getting one for my youngest) but I couldn’t do it.

  156. stacy says:

    So did you ever finish the laundry? ๐Ÿ™‚ loved the post!

  157. Ally says:

    At least the spider has a much shorter life than a rat.

    We have two cats (and I’m allergic) and two small dogs. We are at our pet limit. No more until one of these guys is gone.

  158. Erin says:

    Well….at least a spider won’t pee out of the cage all over whatever wall is closest (or out onto the floor). My son got a pair of rats when he was seven because, as vet tech who’s seen every conceivable housepet possible, rats are the only pocket pets I can stand. Even though I knew about them from my job and spent months researching before we got them, I was still unprepared for the amount of work they take just to keep them clean and keeping your house from smelling like rat piss. I was not sorry when they died.

    But you’re a better person than I am. My husband would have had his own room in the garage with his spider.

  159. Sara says:

    Wtf?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No spiders! Crappy papa should’ve known better! Make him sleep in the kitchen with it and then set it free in the yard so it will get eaten by birds and leave you alone!!

    Spiders are not meant to be in kitchens!

  160. Karen says:

    Hearing anyone talk about getting ‘a rat’ always upsets me. Rats are such severely social animals that it is bordering on cruel to keep them as lone pets. Some people argue that 3+ hours with their owner on a daily basis is enough, but even that isn’t the same as having a same species friend.

  161. Amanda Reed says:

    dude… bringing a spider into my house on purpose would be, as Dr Phil would say, “a deal breaker”.

  162. Charlotte says:

    Ah, this does not bother me one bit. I KNOW my hubby isn’t going to get our kids any pets beyond the dog we have. Plus he doesn’t take them to stores, so hey. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Also, this did not show up on Facebook. ๐Ÿ™

  163. Juls says:

    Us Boston area mamas need a good laugh. Just a thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

  164. Juls says:

    Us Boston area mamas need a good laugh. Just a thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

  165. Mickey says:

    This reminds me of when I tried to get my mom to let me have any pet at all. She doesn’t like pets except for cats. I’m planning on getting a couple of rats soon. If he ever does convince you you should remember to get two rats of the same sex. They are they very social and even if your kids play with them a lot they need another rat to feel secure.

  166. Charissa says:

    Been reading a long time, but never commented before, but the spider thing–I just… I told my husband this story and was similarly horrified, thankfully, as if he ever brought home a spider in a cage I’d be filing divorce papers the next day.

    But then our house is 113 years old and has more than enough spiders to occupy anyone.

    A spider. I don’t even…

  167. M says:

    Definitely would have gone with rat over spider.

  168. Bioteachermama says:

    You might find that the spider is not so bad after all. Low maintenance, not stinky, and a great opportunity to research different spiders and their habits. Sounds like a fun day for the boys and crappy Papa, and really kind of a cool pet. Maybe if you pick a fun name and create an imaginary back narrative about a poor misunderstood arachnid it will help you bond to your new addition ๐Ÿ™‚

  169. Dana says:

    I’ll solve this potential dilemma by marrying a fellow aranchnophobe!

  170. Devan says:

    Fuck. A. Spider.

  171. christine says:

    Rantsfrommommyland.com …. love this book. Spider story is my fav. All good! Cheers.

  172. Jo says:

    What is crappy Papa doing to you?? I like rats. I’d look after a rat in a heartbeat if it meant I didn’t have to look at a spider. GAH!!

  173. Liz says:

    OMG FINISH YOUR SENTENCE ALREADY AAAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

    Sorry.

    What’s great in our house is that finishing her sentence with her exact words will make her forget what she was going to say and then she’s pissed about that. And the four year old is even worse than me.

  174. Rachel says:

    Ooohhh, nooo, the long drawn out excuses and “discussion” that we’ve already had 10 times!!!! I get the same exact response when I try to fill in the blank or hurry it up… start over with an attitude. “You never listen to me!! How come no one lets me explain?!?!!!!” uggg.
    Just found your blog from a book review on Mommyland. Love your stuff!

  175. Laura says:

    We had a rat for a while. Possibly two. He (or they) would visit our chicken run every evening to jump up and get chicken feed from our big hanging feeder. We would turn the outside lights on and just watch the feeder swinging wildly, wondering how much money we were wasting feeding rats instead of chickens. Then one morning I went out and found the biggest, fattest, healthiest rat ever hanging by his front teeth from the strand of electric fencing at the base of our run. Apparently the current was strong enough to electrocute him. That’s not even the grossest or weirdest part of this weird, gross story. This is: I could tell he was a male rat when I picked him up (with gloves that I threw away) because I guess the electricity had made everything “come out”. So I got to be surprised by a rat penis at 8am. Not very impressive, I must say.

  176. Molly says:

    OH MY GOD. I feel like my life is spent waiting for my almost-five year-old to spit out her thought. Excruciating as it is supremely adorable. But I’m not a patient person and have to breathe deeply…

  177. NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

    NOT a spider…. I was going “ewwwww” at a rat, but a spider? I would be moving out!

  178. Casey says:

    We have 2 pet rats. they are female and don’t smell as bad as the males do. they are so cute and cuddly. they run around the living room, and sit on my daughter’s shoulder. they are very low matinance. i don’t even buy them food, they eat table scraps. i clean the cage once a week, and they play with each other if we don’t have time to take them out to play. you have to get 2, they are very social and will be bored and lonely alone. also, you must get them as babies, and don’t let your baby squish them!, they will learn to trust and like you if they are babies when you get them…all in all, great pets….but i don’t know about the cat situation…sounds dangerous for little ratties!! good luck!

  179. JavaChick says:

    My husband has told me the story of the tarantula they had when he was a kid…It was eaten by their cat.

    Ugh. I hate spiders.

  180. Angela B. says:

    Laughing so hard at the “Crappy Update” at the bottom!!! Right there with you girl…a spider…ON OURPOSE…WTF!!!

  181. Delia says:

    Loved our pet rats BUT the WORST part is even if you buy them plenty of toys from the pet store for the express purpose of keeping their teeth from growing too fast while they chew them up, their teeth will still grow so long that it will make it hard for them to eat properly unless you regularly CLIP THEIR TEETH WITH A TOENAIL CLIPPERS. There’s nothing quite like holding a rodent firmly in your hands (but not as tight as your toddler might hold it) while clipping their teeth and hearing the bit of tooth bounce off the bathroom mirror and wonder where it landed. They only live about 3 years then you have to have an elaborate rattie funeral and bury them in your rose garden.

  182. Liz says:

    I have a blanket ban on anything with too many or not enough legs, which means lizards are cool, snakes and spiders not so much. I’m really hesitant to get a fish too, because I had them growing up and the tanks are a pain to clean.

    Seriously, a fucking spider??? Not cool, Crappy Papa.

  183. Angela says:

    I have been meaning to comment on this specific story for several days now. I usually read your posts to my fiance` and sister, who is a new mom and staying with us. Well the other day, we were all in the car headed to church and my almost five year old starts out with, “My dad…..took me…..to the hair cut lady and….” And then it just drug on…there were no new words coming out. We took the plunge: “to get your hair cut?” “NO!!!! That’s not what I was trying to say!” Oh ok, our bad. “My dad….took me…” Oh crap. And immediately my sister and I both say out loud “We can have a rat because…” and start dying laughing. We got yelled at for that comment as well, but it was totally worth it. Oh and by the way….”My dad….took me… to the hair cut lady and….I got my hair cut.” Oh well, thanks for clearing up our misconception child! Lol, gotta love kids ๐Ÿ™‚

  184. Emily says:

    I want a rat so bad I keep trying to convince hubby to let me get one but our cats are smart little things and they love to kill mice.

  185. Loved this one very very much because it’s so very very true.

  186. Jaimie says:

    I could never ever have spider in my house on purpose. no way.

  187. CJ says:

    I love how everyone is fixated on the spider (Ick!) but I was howling at the long, long story that goes nowhere! My daughter does the same thing All. The. Time.

    Her: …and…. um… and… *stares into distance*…
    Me: … (guesses what she’s trying to say)
    Her: YOU INTERRUPTED ME!!! (throws self on floor)

    At least the spider won’t try to tell you stories.

  188. Tracy says:

    Thank goodness my hubby is as afraid of spiders as I am. Icky! Icky! Icky! Icky! Icky! Icky! Icky! Icky! Icky! Icky! I’d have brought it back because there is no way we’d have a spider in the house on purpose.

  189. Couldn’t have made my day any better if I had the Biggest trout on line or had the lottery by the balls.nice work gal’s,you had me from the get. Loved it. jb/me.