crappy laws of parenting, top 8 countdown…illustrated with crappy pictures™

I have two kids. This means that if one kid does x and the other one does y then I can conclude that 50% of all children do x and 50% of all children do y. This makes me a parenting expert.

Since I'm an expert, I've decided to start a new series called the Crappy Laws of Parenting based on my scientific research. Here is a countdown of the first eight laws. There are more. Tons more. But if I didn't stop at eight I'd never finish this post. 

Crappy Law of Parenting #8 (belated poop warnings)

Lawsparenting1
When a toddler spontaneously says something like "No Poops!" while in the pool or bathtub, it is not an accurate status update.  Poop has already been produced. 

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Crappy Law of Parenting #7 (volume control)

Lawsparenting2When the phone rings, children will detect the level of importance and adjust their volume accordingly.

Telemarketer calls to get you to switch car insurance? Silence.

Husband calls to discuss dinner plans? Murmurs.

Friend calls to tell you a funny story? Slightly louder than inside voices. 

Family calls to tell you about a cousin's heart condition. Yelling. 

Work calls with concerns about your ability to work from home? Cacophonous shrieks. Deafening.

And so on.

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Crappy Law of Parenting #6 (naps are never safe)

Lawsparenting3
If you've remembered to turn off your phone ringer during a nap, the doorbell will ring. Followed by loud knocking.  

If you go to the door, it will be someone trying to sell you something you don't want. If you pretend to not be home, you'll find out later it was a friend bringing you chocolate and wine.  She tried to call you, but your ringer was off.

Either way, it wakes up the baby.

 

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Crappy Law of Parenting #5 (inappropriate art surfaces)

Lawsparenting6
Dry-erase markers will be used on everything except the dry-erase board.

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Crappy Law of Parenting #4 (the swearing parrot)

Lawsparenting4

Lawsparenting5
They are very precise about pinpointing the very best words to repeat over and over.

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Crappy Law of Parenting #3 (video cameras and genius defection)

Lawsparenting10

Lawsparenting11
The presence of a video camera immediately eradicates any talent they were just demonstrating.

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Crappy Law of Parenting #2 (quiet destruction)

Lawsparenting7
The moment you think "they sure are quiet" it is already too late.

Lawsparenting8
You run, but you can't run fast enough.

However!

Sometimes, sometimes what you find in the quiet will not be what you were expecting.

Lawsparenting9
Which brings me to my all-time favorite law because it is totally awesome… 

Crappy Law of Parenting #1: They will NEVER stop surprising you. The moment you think you have them figured out…you don't.

 

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What are YOUR Crappy Laws of Parenting?  I'd love to hear them and possibly include them in the next round!

 

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233 Responses to crappy laws of parenting, top 8 countdown…illustrated with crappy pictures™

  1. SarahWesley says:

    I have one!!! Baby will poop right after a fresh diaper change.

  2. Stacy says:

    I have another. If you tell kid A to stop doing something, kid B will start doing it saying, “but you only told A to stop doing that. Not me.”

  3. valleygirl says:

    The day you are on top of things and have everything planned out to keep the kids entertained and happy they fight, bicker, argue and are not happy with any of the 100 awesome things. The day you are wiped out beyond belief and want to do nothing but count down till nap time is the day they are full of boundless energy and BEGGING to do everything that was on the list from the previous day that they didn’t want to do….and of course on this day, NO ONE NAPS.

  4. Alexis says:

    The older child will want nothing to do with you and your “planned special time” until the infant wakes up screaming and wanting a boob – then he is ALL ABOUT THE MOMMY!!!

    The other one is the camera will not snap the picture until the smile is gone, the head turns or the toddler moves.

  5. Christina says:

    Your number one is also my favourite one! I’m ever grateful that there are others walking the very same road we are!

  6. Ashley Farrell says:

    Soooo true sarah. especially if you are using cloth, and you have only one diaper of the variety he can’t remove that is currently clean, and its bedtime. my son saves these, i think, so i have to go crazy the whole time i’m waiting for him to fall asleep, afraid that he is removing his diaper. and afraid that he’s going to poop again with it off. lol

  7. Another crappy law is that after dinner, the night you actually execute the perfect bed time routine…baths, brushing teeth, and reading stories…either the daddy bear will come home from his late night of work and sneak in just to say good night, which riles them all up, (leaving you to calm them down again because he has to eat his dinner), or one of the kids is suddenly STARVING, reminding the other one they are hungry as well. Press the rewind button and start over. 😀

  8. Jesse says:

    OMG the phone call and how loud they become when the phone rings. This is MY LIFE I tell you!

  9. rachel says:

    No matter how regular their nap schedule USUALLY is, if you make plans for after nap time, they wont go to sleep on time.

  10. Amber Dusick says:

    Yep. In my world, he always poops when I have a load of diapers in the wash which means the stinky poopy one has to sit on the bathroom counter until the wetbag is done being washed.

  11. Misty says:

    #9 You will always have a well behaved child…when Mommy is not around! While you deal with putting on the shoes of a screaming child, the daycare person will inevitably say “I don’t know what’s wrong…she was great all day!”

  12. Diana says:

    Kids will ALWAYS get sick right before you and your husband’s planned weekend trip for two causing you to have to cancel your plans.

  13. Amber Dusick says:

    Yes! The “but I’m hungry” never fails before bed.

  14. Linda says:

    My “crappy law” is on days when you don’t have to be anywhere, the wake you up at 5 AM. When you have to be somewhere at 8:00, you can’t pry them out of bed at 7.

  15. Amber Dusick says:

    Yes. This is one we complain about every weekend!

  16. Rachel G says:

    Law number nine: you spend a lot of time cooking a nutritious home meal, and they throw a fit because all they want is spaghettios or lunchables.

  17. Lindsay says:

    Crappy law diagram:

    the longer the time between the cry and the head bump the louder the cry will be.

  18. Melanie Rozwood says:

    how about:

    -the cleaner you need them to be, the messier they end up.

    -the only toy kid ‘a’ wants is the one kid ‘b’ is holding, but only until kid ‘b’ puts it down.

    -the same food always tastes better when it comes off someone else’s plate.

    I’m sure there are more.

  19. Sena Baker says:

    Mop solution, regardless of brand or scent, possesses a special gravitational pull which only attracts leaky sippy cups.

  20. Tessa says:

    I’ve got a good one my oldest uses ALL the time. It goes like this.
    MOM to daughter: Don’t ask me again!!!
    Daughter to Son: whisper, whisper, whisper
    Son to MOM: Momma can sister ……..?

    Which is exactly what I told her not to ask me again, UGH.

  21. Julie says:

    Children only have a finite amount of good behavior. If the children are especially good out in public, at a restaurant, etc, expect shrieking tantrums later.

  22. Here’s my rule: The toy that Child A has been ignoring for the past four days is suddenly the ONLY toy in existence that will make him happy once Child B has the audacity to so much as breathe on it (much less-GASP- actually holding or playing with that toy…).

    The corollary to this rule is that whatever food child B has been gleefully tossing to the floor is the ONLY THING IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD WAAAAAAAAAH that Child B wants, once said food appears on Child A’s tray. Everything tastes better off of your brother’s tray…

  23. Julia says:

    My morning and the joys of illness and cosleeping….. Big kid wakes 3:50am coughing….toddler ok, not hanging from boob and asleep in my bed (husband in spare room doesn’t hear a thing). Get up to tend to big kid. Cough medicine in, back to sleep. Toddler wakes realising I’m not there, quickly rush back to stop her completely waking….. But it was too soon! Big kid wasn’t fully asleep…. Gets up. Comes into my room ‘mummy?’…. Bam! Toddler now awake. They start playing and there starts the day. My point? The knock on effect! They never synchronize!

  24. AJ says:

    It’s not just me and my kids??!! PraisetheLord.

  25. Anna says:

    While telling child A that there is no hitting, child B, who is still crying, will WHACK child A as hard as he can while saying, “NO HITTING!”

  26. jaclynheim@yahoo.com says:

    Mom always gets to eat last!! And, if your nursing, maybe not at all because by the time you get to the table after feeding baby the food is gone.

  27. This is more of a “what parents will do” law, but …

    Even if it happened to you, and you hated it, and you swore you would never, ever, EVER, NEVER do it to your kids, you *will* spitwash them.

  28. Amanda says:

    OMG! Same thing here! He always has super poops the moment the wet bag hits the washing machine.

  29. Jenna says:

    My crappy law of parenting is new outfit = ridiculous stain that will NEVER come out, unless it’s with scissors!

  30. Amber Dusick says:

    I did this last night! My poor kids. We were getting into the car to run to the market and I had nothing on me except my shirt and my spit. He just ate strawberries and it looked like blood on his chin, it had to be done. I never notice how dirty they are until we are going somewhere…

  31. Amber Dusick says:

    LOL, yes I’ve pretty much stopped buying clothes until they are 18. Thus, the same purple dress each day.

  32. Amber Dusick says:

    If I wasn’t lazy I’d just get a back up wet bag since this happens WEEKLY. Weekly. The washing machine triggers poop or something. Really, it does.

  33. Ros says:

    The baby can’t throw a ball. Or get a the toy shapes into the right slot. He can’t put his cup down on the tray or work the ‘interactive’ bits of his book. But his aim throwing a spoonful of yoghurt is second to none.

    This rule also works for grabbing. It takes ten attempts to get the dangling toy, but a dangling strand of hair is not only grabbed, but plaited in the most complicated knot around fingers in a nanosecond.

  34. Eventually, favorite, must have colors are whatever color a sibling appears to have latched onto.

  35. Jennifer says:

    Thank god I am not alone in this! First diaper in the bag is always full of poop.

  36. Shayna Plankar says:

    So true -especially the phone chart.

    Here’s one for you… Because they haven’t created a monitor with smellevision… You put the baby down for a nap. The baby cries. Did the baby poop? If you go in to check, the baby is happy and now you have to start all over. If you let them cry it out, they eventually fall asleep and wake up with dried poop all over their tush and terrible diaper rash because you are the meanest mommy ever.

    Keep the funnies comming!

  37. Cori says:

    A shirt that you paid top dollar for because it was so cute and you just had to have this ONE nice article of clothing for him/her will attract 3 times as many stains as the crappy $2 play shirt you bought him/her at Target, which magically seems to stay stain free.

  38. Stacey says:

    My kids are about the same ages… daughter is 4.5 and son is 2 (and still nursing and co-sleeping…but I am ready to have my freedom back.)

    If you plan to have a special evening in like watch a movie with your spouse, the kids will definitely go to bed REALLY late and wake multiple times.

    At bedtime they will refuse to go to sleep and you will curse in your head and think bad thoughts but the minute they are asleep, you melt and think they are the sweetest things in the universe.

    You plan a car trip so they fall asleep in the car and are in their pjs so they can go right to bed. They always wake up when you pull them out of the car and then stay up really late when you get home.

    Naps at 4 pm or later will destroy bedtime. You will regret them.

    If you breastfeed and send your child to daycare, be prepared to have the child scream the minute you walk in the door, wanting to breastfeed breastfeed BREASTFEED. You will not be able to make dinner or pass GO or collect $200.

    Your kids know when you leave the bed. They have this 6th sense about it.

    Kids like the crappiest, tackiest clothes in their closet. They will eventually have their own mind about what they wear and the outfit you thought would be adorable on them will never be worn.

    Little girls want long hair but they don’t want you to brush it.

    Kids like to bug the pets but act like they’ve lost a limb when a pet even attempts to bug them. Pets put up with a lot of crap.

    Never leave your child unattended in the bathroom. Ever.

    A 2 year old will want to do everything by themselves. EVERYTHING. If you mistakenly open the door because you are all going out together, you will feel the wrath of the 2 year old. “I WANT TO DO IT. I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF.”

    Four year olds know everything. This is the point when they realize that you are a moron and their four whole years of experience make them smarter than you.

  39. Maria says:

    How about when you are at the grocery store with a cart full of stuff- in the very back of the store. And one of them has to go the bathroom. Right now. So, you have to leave your cart full of goodies next to the bathroom door, haul everyone in and wait for them to pee.

  40. Here’s a law for you… Baby will go on THE longest nursing session ever if she senses that you have a full bladder.

  41. Kari L. says:

    Every SINGLE time your delicious HOT food arrives at the restaurant THEY need to go to the bathroom. Never fails. That’s also the one time they take forever doing their business!!

  42. Jessica says:

    Yes! That is so true. Nasty, giant poop… when the wet bag is in the washing machine.

  43. Erin says:

    That is my favorite. Then I will forget its in there and either knock it down, in my rush to do something for my 3 year old, or be greeted hours later by it’s stench.

  44. LAW:
    The minute you need to leave the house, someone poops his pants.
    EXAMPLE:
    You’re running late. Child 1 is strapped into their car seat, the keys are in your hand, your bag is on your shoulder, and child 2 poops his pants. Put handbag down, leave keys on banister, go clean and change child 2. Oh, and when you do get to the car, child 1 will be hungry and want something from the kitchen. It has been a while after all.You will be 10-15 minutes late leaving the house, no matter what. THat’s another law. It may only apply to me.

    • Kharissa says:

      This is my life! Almost out the door, one has a blow-out poop. Get him changed, new clothes on, loaded back into the car… The other poops. Handle that, then go on a hunt all over the house to find that the keys were left in the kid’s pants drawer. Finally ne about to leave and the first one pukes all over himself. Bang my head repeatedly on the steering wheel, sending my kids into gales of laughter, especially if the horn goes off.

  45. Dina says:

    Oh thank God. It’s not just me.

  46. hahah YES to all of this. I made a few graphs a couple of weeks ago:

    The food to floor ratio

    http://pics.livejournal.com/tales_of_klaus/pic/0007g892/s640x480

    and the clothes to speed ratio

    http://pics.livejournal.com/tales_of_klaus/pic/0007hx3c

  47. Dina says:

    I rationalize by telling myself less food means it will help me lose weight — till I dive in the freezer for ice cream 30 min later.

  48. Dina says:

    I thought u meant new outfit for u. There is a direct correlation between how new/clean your outfit is, and the need for the toddler, who’s eAting something especially messy today, to turn and use u as a napkin to wipe his face and hands against.

  49. Rhonda E says:

    OMG the phone one!! YES!!!!

    And another… nap times shalt not be synchronized. Ever.

  50. Lisa Schornak says:

    My laws:
    1. The 3 year old has to poop every time the baby is nursing.

    2. They all have to poop every time we go to Target.

  51. sara says:

    What about the Law of nap equilibrium? It seems that there is a naptime sleep constant. If your normally bad napper actually sleeps, then that is the day your normally *good* napper decides NOT to sleep. They can’t both sleep at the same time. It would violate the law of nap time equilibrium. Oh, and on the rare occasions you manage to beat the law of naptime equilibrium, that is the day the UPS guy brings a delivery and rings the doorbell, despite the “DON’T RING DOORBELL!!! BABY SLEEPING!!!” sign and wakes up one or both of them!

  52. heather says:

    As soon as you vacuum all of the cheerios off of the carpet the kids will put some fresh ones on the floor for you.

    When you get ready to walk out the door someone will poop.

    After a bath the kid will jump in the mud puddle when you take them outside.

    When you place the books on the shelf the baby will pull them all down after you.

  53. That is 100% true. My daughter fell when we were in the bank recently and bonked her head. She sat there with her mouth wide open and eyes squeezed tightly shut for about 30 seconds before she let out the LOUDEST screaming/crying I’d ever heard in my life. For about 10 minutes.

  54. Mary says:

    All babies sleep angelically through the night when they’re staying with someone else.

    And they’ll never nap when they’re supposed to (especially if you’re dying to lie down yourself), but the moment you really need to go somewhere important with them, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

  55. Anderaw says:

    Love them all! Love the BLOG. Huge fan.
    My crappy laws:
    A sick baby with a terrible sounding cough will not cough when at the doctor’s office. All better! Until you leave to get in the car.

    Kids do not want to play with the whatever x, y, z toy you made a special trip for (last one! cost $50!). They will play with iPhone, Remote Control, Dog water bowl, and outlets instead).

    Only when you ran on a quick errand without the diaper bag, will your baby have the blow out of the century. Poop up the hairline.

    The more expensive the shoes, the faster they will end up missing in the middle of the Target parking lot.

  56. Melissa says:

    I have one. They won’t eat broccoli or any healthy food you eat them, but they will pick their nose and eat the boogers.

  57. Christian says:

    The urgency in which you need to get out the door is directly proportional to how slowly they are capable of putting on their shoes!

  58. Shannon says:

    Mine is another graph: The moment you are ready to walk out the door in a rush (arms full of stuff) is directly related to the exact moment one or more children need to pee/poop or more likely, already have.

  59. Alex says:

    Yes! When he shops with daddy all goes well and he is well behaved. When he goes with me we have at least one melt down. I’ve had to pull the cart from the wrong end through the aisles because if I pushed the handle he would ferociously attack my hands, arms and anything else in reach. My sister went on a shopping trip with my kid and me one day and my kid and my husband the next. She said he was a different person. Of course everyone in the store stares at you like you’re an awful parent (or at least you think they do)

  60. Angela says:

    Crappy Law:
    The older child has free reign to “borrow” the baby’s toys/stuffed animals but god forbid you give the baby one of the older child’s stuffed animals to keep her occupied for 5 mins, and the older child upon seeing this tells you “you always have to ask me first”.

  61. Ashley says:

    Baby will wake from nap shortly after you sit on toilet, just long enough after that there’s nothing you can do for about for a few minutes.

  62. Jen says:

    Get 2 wetbags. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it until my 2nd child.

  63. Lisa says:

    The desire for a toy or object increases according to the desire of others. It can sit in a box for a year, never played with.. But if you have a playdate and their friend wants it? It’s suddenly their favorite one and only best toy ever. And the friend feels the Exact. Same. Way.

  64. Lindamarie says:

    I have to tell you how much I love this site! My oldest child turned 21 yesterday, and my youngest is 14, so now I can read these and laugh. When they did all these things, I could only cry.

  65. Shannon says:

    This is every single morning at my house as a working mom. This doubles if my boss wants an early meeting. You are not alone !

  66. Erin says:

    DITTO! It’s dragging them out of bed for daycare every day of the week. Then the weekend hits and they are ready to go at 6am.

  67. Jess says:

    The one in 100 nights that they actually sleep through, you can’t sleep yourself! Or the husband snores all night!

  68. EowynW says:

    EVERY TIME! I need a second wet bag!

  69. Amber Felix says:

    I have one! When you’re trying to take the baby for a walk to make them FINALLY somehow go to sleep, but you’re plagued with trash trucks, whistling morons, motorcycles,(illegal in my town)leaf blowers, lawn mowers, people who want to play peekaboo with your kid, and shrieking children and dogs, the former who are holding a glorious balloon your kid wants, but will not be able to have, thus bursting into flames of anger.

  70. Carmina says:

    I run around all day, then finally allow myself 5 minutes for a well-deserved cup of tea only to hear, “Need-do-a-wee-need-do-a-wee-need-do-a-wee!” from my just toilet training 2yo just as I sit. Ditto for sitting down to dinner. Sheesh!

  71. Heather says:

    ABSOLUTELY! Never fails…being a full time online student, ds ALWAYS fails his NORMAL bedtime on nights that I have a test due before midnight! leaving me staring at the minutes tick away, just knowing that last question will be submitted at 11:55pm :/ lol

  72. Heather says:

    Happened this morning! 9am and my normally awake at 630 lo was STILL snoozing (we had to be somewhere at 930, lol)

  73. foxes_garden says:

    Hahaha– YES. All week long I’m hoping that I can drop them at preschool by 8:15 and get some extra errands done, and they’ll sleep until 7:30 or 8 and we won’t get to school until 9:15. On the weekend, they wake up at 5:30AM.

  74. They always repeat things you’ve said at the most inopportune moment…

    Also, if you are in the public restroom and someone in there is going #2, they will always proclaim loudly how stinky it is. Then continue discussing the issue (and the person) until you drag them out hoping nobody saw your face. But maybe that’s just me…

  75. Nikki says:

    Law #10…a child will only get sick when the pedi’s office is closed, ie. weekend, holiday, pedi’s vacation. And by the time you get them in the child is miraculously all better. Goodbye $25 co-pay.

  76. Vero says:

    the telephone one is fantastic. Boss phones up to do performance review and baby chooses this time to wake up and keep crying until you decide to postpone the call to another day when he sweetly goes right back to sleep again!!

  77. i meant POOPY aghhhhh!

  78. This one is akin to the phone call proportional to children’s volume….when trying to leave the house, the time you have to leave is proprotional to the speed with which you can get in the car: The less time you have, the slower they move.

    Case in point: we told our girls, ages 5 & 3.5, that we were going camping at the end of August and they started packing bags & strapping themselves into the car, but when I’ve tried to get them out the door for any reason and say, “We have to leave NOW” (despite all my attempts to get them out the door for a hour previous to departure time), they have a gazillion things they need to do first (go potty, eat, need tissue…).

    My friend has her own crappy rule similar to this: the half hour before departure and the half hour after arrival are the worst.

    I couldn’t stop laughing at your post & pictures. Priceless & good to know we are not alone. 🙂

  79. Pamela says:

    If you have to get up unusually early the next day (which probably inclueds a VERY important event that you MUST be energetic for) the kids will ALWAYS keep you up half of the night.

  80. Pamela says:

    Or more like every hour during the night…

  81. Jamie says:

    Here’s another law of the parenting universe I learned the hard way: When traveling, the number of potty accidents your child has will always exceed the number of sets of extra clothes you have available for that child. For example, if you have 237 extra pairs of underwear in your magical Mary Poppins-esqe bag, your child will tinkle on himself 238 times.

  82. Sarah Vo says:

    They will always wake up earlier than you’d like, ALWAYS.

    Animal food and water bowls are fun play things that are often filled with fun “art supplies.”

    Snacks are more fun to feed to the animals or to throw than actually eat.

  83. This had me and my husband laughing out loud. You are hilarious and fantastic!

    Mine is: the kids will be hungry the minute you get to the zoo/museum/birthday party, no matter how much you tried to force feed them before you left the house.

    We try and try to get our kids to eat before we go somewhere, but they won’t. And quite literally, as soon as we step foot inside the place we’ve traveled to, even if the travel time was less than five minutes, we hear, “I’m hungry.”

    The first time I went on a trip to the zoo with my son’s pre-K class, I realized I wasn’t alone. As soon as we stepped off the bus, there was not one, but 24 kids exclaiming, “I’m hungry! When’s lunch?” Suddenly I felt a great deal more warmth towards my son’s teachers.

  84. Preeti says:

    great read!!

  85. Cheryl M. says:

    When you have a gassy, overtired, screaming infant, the older kid will invariably be ALL OVER YOU and yelling to get your attention!

  86. Victoria says:

    Not only plans after nap time, plans for during nap time! “Oh, call me around 2, he should be napping!” Nope!

    Either that, or the opposite, I missed my last mom’s group before going back to work full time because his usual 1 hour nap turned into a 3 HOUR nap! Normally, I’d give anything for a 3 hour nap, that day was just rotten luck.

  87. Bobbie Hardy says:

    When baking it is important to put away all ingredients and nail all chairs to the ceiling. Because if you don’t, they will use said chair to obtain said baking powder, and pour some mysterious beverage in it, just for you!

    Happened today!

  88. Brandy says:

    The parenting law that I was just reminded of this long weekend is this….. When driving with kids, it doesn’t matter how long the trip is (for us it is usually around 5 hours) or how much I want the kids to have a sleep, they won’t fall asleep until we are 5 minutes from home. Leaving me to try and carry them into the house without waking them, or risk having cranky kids for the rest of the day!

  89. Alison says:

    Their favourite meal one day will be the most repulsive thing they have ever seen the next day.

    When one child is acting up, the others will follow; when one child is being good, the others will convince them to stop.

    And I have three kids, making me 50% more of an expert. 😀

  90. nopinkhere says:

    I have a 2nd wet bag. The first one in is still a poopy one though.

  91. nopinkhere says:

    Oh so true!

  92. Jak says:

    My mother’s rule was always the longer between the cry and the injury the worse it was.

  93. Sarah W. says:

    No matter how many times you pick up toys during the day there will ALWAYS be toys on the floor!

  94. Stephj says:

    My rule is that your baby/toddler will always find the MOST dangerous thing in the room to play with, as soon as you turn your back.
    “Why would I want to play with this safe, soft block, when I can gnaw on this plug?”

  95. Murasaki says:

    We have hours of video of DS sitting there staring at the camera and DH trying to get him to sing the song, do the thing, say the words, be cute – or whatever again!!!!

    Also theres the law of nappy liners. Even if your child is a one poo a day kid, they will produce a second, third, fourth or fifth if you fail to put a liner in the nappy.

    The law of nappy bag – if you take the nappy bag on the school run every day for a year baby will never need a change, but you know what happens if you dont take it!!!!

    I find my interest in non child appropriate tv shows also seems to have a direct link to unwillingness to go to bed. Oh my GODDESS Callie just went through the windscreen and I cant find the remote to turn the tv off Greys Anatomy because children are still lurking long after second glass of water, application of cream to itchy legs, last warning, last kiss, just amembered something! YKWIM.

  96. factoryconnection says:

    Kids are an amazing trove of wonder and entertainment when you’ve had a few drinks.
    The next day, when you have a hangover, they discover a newfound love for sunrises and early-morning drum solos. Fact.

  97. Sara Kowle says:

    Another inversely proportionate graph candidate – the more you let on that you want them to do something the more they resist (2 year olds).

  98. Sara Kowle says:

    Also, given a purpose, even the most violently resistant toddler can do a 180 – “Laundry all done! Let’s go upstairs!” “NOOOOO!” (Painfully long exchange ensues until inspiration: “Can u carry this piece of lint to the trash for me?” “Yeah yeah!”

  99. Kd2 says:

    We must learn to speak toddler. For instance, we must learn NOT to ask stupid questions. When we see a toddler doing the potty dance, we must learn not to ask “do you need to use the potty?”. It goes into their ear as “do you need to use the potty?” but arrives at their brain as “Is peepee running down your leg at this instant?”. Therefore, toddler will respond “No”. If you repeat the question because you see peepee running down their leg and making a puddle at their feet–they will again answer “No.” Because their brain now interprets the questions as “do you need to peepee?”. Of course..now they no longer need to peepee. Toddler will accompany the “no” with a look that implies that parent is not quite bright. We must learn to say instead “Go into the bathroom and use the potty right now”. Do not fail to specify that you want them to GO to the bathroom and perform this function–they have no problem at all with using the potty right where they stand (see above).

    It is a law..I’ve never seen it written down, but I’m sure that it must be…that if you are on a deadline and must accomplish something very quickly and have gone to a store to take care of it…your toddler will need to use the potty. The degree of urgency of their need is directly proportional to the distance you are from said potty. If the potty in the store that you are currently in, is in the back room, past stacks and stacks of boxes and equipment, in the far back corner, up a set of rickety stairs in a dark corner with a door that you must hold closed with one foot while assisting your toddler–the potty dance will be a sight to behold. The toddlers face will indicate great concentration, tears will be squeezing from the corners of their eyes and misery will be reflected in their expression.

    Toddlers love the power they wield over us. They know that the words “I have to pee” will elicit an always interesting and sometimes downright exciting response. By the time both of my children were housebroken (yes I said housebroken…I’m a horrible mother…sue me) I knew where every single bathroom was in every store we frequented. Just so you know–planning ahead and having them use the potty before you leave will NOT change anything. Just sayin’.

  100. #7 happened for sure today and #3 is my life

  101. Heather says:

    Our 14-yr-old son will sit on the couch for an hour, and the minute I ask him to shut the TV off and work on his chores he, all of a sudden, has to desperately spend 30 minutes stinking up the bathroom. Crappy rule: they are bored, lazy, and unable to come up with any sort of activity until you decide how they should spend their time. 🙂

  102. eValerie says:

    Whatever I cook for dinner, even if they liked it the last time I cooked it, the kids always spend the whole meal telling us how much they hate it.

  103. We have two one year olds, Inga and Benji, and our two year old Elspeth. I had to double check and make certain that I was not drawing these blog posts in my sleep or something!! I keep coming back to read because I FEEL NORMAL AGAIN hahahahah!!

    Soooooo funny. Soooooo true!

  104. kat says:

    Hmmm – there are so many. Like when your youngest is crying and your older child says’ I didn’t do it!’ you know that they DID in fact do it and, quite probably deliberately. Same goes for ‘I’m not lying, mummy.’
    Or, no matter what you put in front of them for dinner, (even if they helped to make it!), there is always the whinging, “but I didn’t WANT that for dinner, mummy.” (Unless, of course, it’s chocolate).
    Or how they are unfailingly polite and ever so helpful to everyone else, but you can’t get them to even flush the toilet when they have finished with it.
    Still, they do keep you on your toes. :0)

  105. Jessica says:

    HILARIOUS lmao!!!! I LOVE the illustrations, I could laugh at these without even knowing what’s going on!

  106. Alex says:

    ooh yes- how do kids and babies ALWAYS know when you are planning on going out? They will be perfect at going down to bed at 7 all week then when date night comes around the kids are shouting ‘i’m not sleepy’ whilst stomping their feet and throwing books etc, this then progresses to tears when they give you the guilt trip ‘but i don’t want you to go out i want you to stay here with me’. Babies on the other hand just KNOW they instantly get fidgety and fractious start screaming the house down , cover you in snot, dribble and possibly a little bit of their last meal. Grandparents swiftly try to take control reassuring you that all will be fine ‘just go’ but by this point you are really really wound up and flustered (and having to change and re-do your hair).

  107. Rohini says:

    Ha ha. I wrote something similar a while ago. About the little ironies of motherhood.

    http://mamasaysso.blogspot.com/2010/06/little-ironies-of-motherhood.html

  108. Amy says:

    I love this, some of it is yet to happen to me, as my little mite is only 1 and is not yet ABLE to do some of these things, but I am sure she will.
    I have another – spend ages cooking something they loved once and that very day they don’t want it.
    i.e french toast/ricotta hotcakes/butterflied chicken – and you only cooked it in the first place because you thought it would buy some peace and time later and you end up fluttering back and forth from the fridge offering whatever you can find. On these occasions, all they will eat is bread/stale cooked pasta from a week ago that was all you had left after ransacking the fridge. Then they will wake from nap hungry wanting the thing you spent ages cooking!

  109. Cyn says:

    I found out your blog a couple of days back and I can’t stop laughing, I have only one toddler but all your posts rign o so true…I couldn’t stop laughing at the white board marker thing, it applies to any writing instrument…I laugh seeing it on the blog now, but I spent the past 2 weeks washing every single walls in my apartment as we are moving and I want to minimise the landlord’s anger. One sub rule of the markers, is that if you leave any pen or pencil within reach, even in a hidden location your toddler WILL find it and scribble your walls 🙂

  110. Michal Levy says:

    When we’re at grandma’s and it’s time to go home, they’re always hungry! No matter how much we’ve fed them before, or warned them that there won’t be any food after, the moment I’m ready with my keys in my hand, baby on my arm and 1 foot out the door, they’re suddenly starving. And of course grandma wouldn’t be grandma if she wouldn’t give them a plateful…

  111. Proneeta says:

    My toddler is hungry after waking from a nap. I ask:
    Do you want milk? – No
    Do you want biscuits? – No
    Do you want toast? – No
    Do you want cake? – No
    Do you want chips? – No
    Do you want blah blah blah blah blah…? -No, no, no, no
    So what do you want? – MILK

  112. Cheryl Moe says:

    It’s time to leave grandma’s house. For some reason they don’t want to get a granny kiss goodbye.
    As soon as you pull out of the driveway they start crying.
    ” I didn’t get my good bye granny kiss”.

  113. eValerie says:

    eValerie’s kids’ rule of choosing a board game to play: “If my sibling wants to play a game, then I HATE that one and would not EVER play it.”

  114. Heather says:

    Amber, I LOVE reading your blog. It seriously makes my day. I’m like a kid in a candy shop when I see there’s a new one. I have two kids also and most days, I’m in desperate need of a laugh. You crack me up and are kind with your children at the same time. After I read a post, I’m able to laugh at my kids instead of grit my teeth and try not to kill them. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!

  115. Christi says:

    If they are ill and you make an appt with the doctor, they will act perfectly healthy and may even drop the fever until 30 mins after you leave the doctor’s office.
    4 kids…and almost EVERY SINGLE TIME.

  116. Sabrina says:

    I have an addition to the phone call/volume rule. If you happen to have an in-law over, they’re angels, so said in-law can praise your husband’s parenting. If your parents are there, the misbehavior will start, just enough for your parents to criticize your parenting. If it’s a personal friend, however, the children will act as if they are possessed, and then your friends will only want to meet away from your home, and they will never believe that your children can act like normal humans.

  117. Grace says:

    The night you spend two hours making a fabulous Martha Stewart like meal for dinner they turn their noses up at it and won’t eat. If you are too tired to cook and just make scrambled eggs and oatmeal for dinner they think it’s the best meal ever.

  118. Patti says:

    Child A has to go to the bathroom (which is a LONG treck away across the park or whatever) Mom asks ” Does anyone else have to go to the bathroom? Are you sure? It’s a long ways away!” NO ONE else has to go. They are sure. Take long treck to the bathroom. Child A has stage fright and can’t go. Stay there 15 minutes trying to get child A to go. No go. Trek back. Child B has to go REALLY bad. “I can’t hold it!” Trek B to bathroom. Get back Child A has wet themselves because they couldn’t hold it anymore.

  119. Wendy Irene says:

    I actually read this last night and had such a good laugh before bed!! What a great way to end the day, smiling and laughing visiting your fabulous site.
    When I went to sleep I couldn’t help but think of another parenting law – The more you don’t want your kids to help with something, the more they INSIST on helping!
    Have a lovely day! 🙂

  120. Karen says:

    When you are on top of your laundry, and have a sparkling bathroom, your child will get a case of stomach flu and befor you know it, you’re on your hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom floor and toliet bowl at two in the morning — hoping child two and three don’t wake up at the crack of dawn, and hoping even more child two and three don’t catch it too.

  121. Kelly says:

    You WILL open up items in the grocery store to quiet a screaming child.

    People who say “I will/would never…” obviously don’t have kids.

    You will become your mother.

    “Bath time” no longer means candles, a glass of wine, and a good book.. it means dirty kids, toys, bubbles, water fights, and cleaning the bathroom every day.

    A good night’s sleep is a thing of the past.

    You really understand what your mom meant when she took you for injections and said “it hurts me more than it hurts you”

    You become superhuman at the scream of child.

    Blowouts always happen when you forgot to restock the diaper bag.

    If someone in a 5 mile radius of your child is sick, he/she will catch it.

    If my toddler gets a bath before dinner time, she will surely smash dinner in her hair.

    Being a mom is like running an uphill marathon that never ends.

    Dirt, books, toys, remotes, and boogers are delicious, while veggies are ‘the grossest thing ever’.

    I absolutely love being a mom!

  122. Aadel says:

    I have a really nice one-

    No matter how noisy, rambunctious and naughty they are, when your husband is gone and you are dog-sick with the flu- they always seem to know and behave for you. ;0)

    Never fails- If I am truly sick (and not trying to fake it) the kids will take care of each other, fix lunch, and generally behave themselves. Heck, they even ask if they can get out crafts.

  123. Aadel says:

    oh yes- oooohhhh my yes

  124. #1 for me: If you need the nap to be short, it will be long. If you’re desperate for the nap to be long, it will be short, or won’t happen at all.
    #2: when my husband agrees to do the morning shift, j sleeps an hour later than usual.

  125. Meghann says:

    My baby has incredible aim…at least once a day I get spit up full force down my shirt. And more often then not…I get soaked with spit up and barely a drop gets on the baby.

    No matter how fast you try to clean up the baby puke on the floor, the dogs always get there first.

    Three year old can be quietly playing for an hour, but the minute the baby is asleep, he NEEDS to yell/play with something loud/make the dogs bark.

    But, on #1: I was worried when it was so quiet when my three year old was holding the baby (5 months). I walked in to see the baby sleeping in his big brothers arms. and no one can make baby laugh like his big bro!

  126. jean says:

    Your daughter has the uncanny ability to suppress the urge to poop until she is within close proximity to the nastiest toilet in the Western. Hemisphere.

  127. jaclynheim@yahoo.com says:

    If you stay up late, your head will hit the pillow and a kid will wake up needing your attention….

  128. Yvette says:

    The day you forget to put a spare outfit in your nappy bag, the baby has a poo explosion up to their elbows and you have dress them in your own sweater or something.

    If you have a change of clothes ready, the poo will stay inside the nappy.

  129. Heather says:

    Isn’t that the truth?! Or how about this: the later you get them in bed at night, that is the amount of time they will wake up early the next morning. For example: They get to bed an hour late, they are up an hour earlier than usual. THATS 2 HOURS lost!!! Or, when you do manage to get them to bed on time but stay up late yourself, they are still up early. Its times like this I am convinced the monitor goes 2 ways and they are documenting when I settle in for the night and timing their attack. Moral? Sleep when they sleep or don’t sleep at all.

  130. heather h says:

    the minute you tell them not to do something they super fast hurry and do it as you are running after them. lol

  131. Angelia_S says:

    Crappy Law of Parenting: Cook Time vs Yum Ratio
    My child’s desire to eat is in complete contrast to how long the meal took to make. If it took me 120 minutes to make the meal (homemade with love + tons of dishes) = NO EAT vs 60 seconds in the microwave (crappy food + paper plate) = YUM!

  132. Angelia_S says:

    Oh! I didn’t see this and posted the same one. Yes, yes, yes.

  133. Jess says:

    How long the baby sleeps at night is inversely proportional to how long you’ve stayed up talking and/or drinking.

    Go to bed early? Baby sleeps great all night.
    Stay up visiting with your sister? Baby wakes up once
    Stay up drinking with your sister? Baby wakes up twice
    Stay out half the night to celebrate your friend visiting from Texas? Baby wakes up when you come in, refuses to sleep alone, kicks you until you can’t stand it any longer around 2 am when you plop them back in bed. Older sibling wakes up coughing 3.5 hours later. *sigh*

  134. Adrienne says:

    The one that I have is they wake me up early every morning except the one morning I want them up, then they sleep in WAY late and almost make me late for said thing I want them up for. Or I’m expecting them to be my alarm and they never wake me up and I have to scramble

  135. Tiffany says:

    Two words: walmart bag 🙂

  136. Heather says:

    In our house we say it’s because our “artist requres a FRESH canvas for each masterpiece.”

    🙂

  137. Another Heather says:

    YES!!!!!! My 11 month old doesn’t sleep through the night yet, but her wake up times vary – with MY bedtime. She times her nightly wake-up for about 20 minutes after I finally stagger in to bed… regardless of the hour. It never fails – just as I am drifting off… WAHHHHHHHH!

  138. Another Heather says:

    and that goes for kid clothes as well as Momma’s clothes. Momma bought three new shirts this summer that had kid-induced stains on them before Momma had worn them twice. AGH! Get away from me with your chocolatey/tomatoey/paint splattered/grimy paws! “But momma, I just want to give you a hug!”

  139. Another Heather says:

    we just did this yesterday. And guess what? No pee! “I guess I didn’t really have to go, Momma!”

  140. Heather says:

    The one night you are desprately hopeful they just want to watch movies on the couch is the one night that they are desprately hopeful that you want to do active running, jumping, imagination play with YOU.

  141. Melanie says:

    My 3 year old son seems to have an uncanny ability to step in exactly whatever mess I’ve just detected is within his range and am frantically warning him to avoid “watch out! Don’t step in the – dog poop/ wet paint/ spilled condiment/ etc” “pardon mommy?” – SPLAT!

  142. LooneyJen says:

    These are GREAT! I blogged a few of my own http://rollingthroughlooneyville.blogspot.com/2010/03/5-absolutes-of-parenthood.html

    and

    http://rollingthroughlooneyville.blogspot.com/2010/03/seems-i-forgot-few.html

    The one I’m currently living, over and over? The “Kids will demolish your last set of clean clothes if you try to put them on before you leave the house.” It’s a given. EVERY TIME.

    Thanks for making me laugh so much.

  143. LooneyJen says:

    Ah! My favorite! The how much they sleep is relational to how late you stayed up. Also, your baby WILL wake up 10 minutes after you fall asleep.

  144. Tisa says:

    How about the time you need the most sleep is when your baby decides he doesn’t need to sleep at all.

  145. amy says:

    Your law about the doorbell ringing is exactly why I laminated a sign I hang on my door that says: “WARNING! It is NAPTIME! Ringing or knocking could result in the loss of limb, hearing or sanity. So unless YOU HAVE TO, please don’t! 🙂 thanks- the mommy, the doggy, and the kid!”

  146. Danielle says:

    Just when you’ve gotten over a migraine, due to monthly hormones/lack of sleep, your toddler who always sleeps through the night wakes and hour after you’ve fallen asleep. It takes him 2 to 3 hours to go back to bed, but because you’ve got insomnia, you see the sun rise. Then have to go to work the next day on 3 hours of sleep! With another migraine!!!

  147. No matter how entrenched in play the kids are, they can sense the minute you go into the bathroom and must come join you. If you lock the door they just lie on the floor talking to you and sticking their fingers underneath. I am ashamed to say I have screamed out “Can’t I just poop in peace!” more than once.

  148. Sarah says:

    If one kid gets something, no matter what it is, the other will want one…

  149. Noisenurse says:

    whatever food you’ve run out of, that is the only food they want; nothing else will suffice. when you’ve ventured out and back to obtain said “all important food” they’ve already eaten a some random thing they found in behind the couch and they’re no longer hungry.

  150. Noisenurse says:

    i’ve given up, now that the eldest can open the door. i have even read a story to him whilst on the loo.

  151. Evin Cooper says:

    Mama: “You hungry?” Kid: Nope. Mama fixes food for herself.

    MAMA! I’M STARVING TO DEATH WHY ARE YOU EATING FOOD I DON’T LIKE IN FRONT OF ME WHEN I AM STARVING????

  152. Erica says:

    That is why I have 2 wetbags LOL Jay has pooped his night time diaper THREE nights in a row now after he’s already pooped right before his bath and diaper/jammies >:(

    The more important it is that you’re on time somewhere, the slower the children will be getting ready, or that will be the time they can’t find a single pair of shoes or whatever.

  153. Trish says:

    Parenting Law: When they don’t want help, they need that help and refuse to let you help usually communicating this through meltdowns, cries, and tears if you even ever so slightly attempt to help them. Then when it’s something they *can* do on their own and you want them to do it all by themselves, they want your help and will *only* do it with your help, outright refusing to even try it on their own, communicating this through another show of fits and tears if you try to encourage their independence because you know they can do it and refuse to help them.

  154. Laura says:

    My Daughter is 2.5 and is so funny! you would have a field day with the things she does!! she tells fibs too! is that normal?! the other day (like most days) she woke up at 5am :I and she has a stair-gate on her door because she will not stay in her room and because she has a severe allergy I can’t risk her going downstairs in the night and getting into the fridge (this is the type of stunt she would pull!) anyway well she woke at 5am and decided to shout at the top of her voice “mummy I’m awake now!…” my response was to go in and put her back to bed
    “Phoebe it’s too early to get up now so lie down and read your books QUIETLY if you can’t sleep”…
    all of about 1 minute of silence past then again
    “MUMMY?…MUUUUMMMY”
    (I call out to her because her room is next door and I am now feeding my 9 month old who was woken up by my 2 year old)
    “Phoebe read your books or play with your toys it’s not wake up time yet”
    again a minute passes
    “mummy I’m poorly”
    silence
    “mummy?”
    I thought I’ll ignore her see if she just goes and plays…I was wrong!
    “mummy help me! help me I’m stuck!”
    I Put Ava (baby) down to hurry and see if Phoebe is ok I get there to see her standing there perfectly fine grinning ear to ear!
    “telling fibs again mummy!”
    “Right Phoebe mummy is feeding Ava now, go and play and I will come in in a minute”
    I get back into bed and start to feed Ava again (I breast feed) and this time a couple of minutes pass and I think oooo this is good maybe she will play and then I can have a snooze for half an hour and then I’ll get up… NO again I was wrong
    “Muuummy!? mummy!??”
    I again ignore to see what she what she says…
    “OH no mummy! Pedro (our kitten) pooed on the floor! dirty”
    horrified at the thought of poo on the carpet I sprung out of bed and again had to stop feeding Ava (poor sod!) only to again find Phoebe grinning
    “Phoebe are you telling fibs again?!”
    she pauses to think then looks up at me with her cheeky face
    “yeeeess soweee (she thinks by saying sorry all cute she gets away with it!)”
    “Phoebe telling fibs is naughty isn’t it? you mustn’t keep doing it, now please go and play I will come back and get you up when Ava has finished having boobie”
    so she is playing now for a few minutes before she starts again!
    “mummy, mummy… MUUUUUMMY!!!?”
    I just keep quiet and am getting annoyed with my partner because all this time he is lying in bed beside me completely docile and oblivious to all that is happening! then through my frustration at him I hear a blood curdling scream!
    “arrrrgggghhhh! mummy!!! (I am half out the bed and again putting Ava down when…) daddy’s pulling my hair!! it hurts!” 🙁
    I look to my left to see Jason there, for sure snoring away! i give him a good shove! he half wakes…
    “what’s wrong? what’s happened?”
    “did you not just hear that!?”
    “No, what?”
    “well apparently your pulling Phoebes hair! you should go and see her!”
    so off he goes and by this time we just gave in and got up!I of course managed to finish feeding Ava!
    children are hilarious and little gems even if they are being naughty!! I love my girls! x

  155. Amy says:

    Kids are like little super heroes. fact: when mommy goes into the bathroom, the second the door clicks shut, a spotlight, much like Batman’s, goes off in the sky, alerting children to go bang on the bathroom door. Another fact: much like when mommys going to the bathroom, children have “spidey” senses. These happen when mommy does anything that requires more than 5 seconds of silence. For example, anytime I think “gotta make that phone call” or “damn, I gotta pee”, the boy’s spidey senses kick in and they either need something immediately, have a “booboo” that is so horridly painful even if you can’t see it, baby has an explosive device, that is his butt, go off in the diaper, sibling battle 2011 starts, etc… etc…

    Little superheros… Pshh. I haven’t peed alone since 2004. I wonder if my hubs could do that?? 🙂

  156. csmarcellus says:

    SO TRUE!

  157. Alex says:

    When you go to the bathroom for something quick or non-private (#1 or brushing teeth) the kids are happily occupied and couldn’t care less. When you need time or privacy (#2 or a shower) they sense it and immediately come pounding at the door. If you tell them you are busy or ignore them, which is what I always do – I deserve some alone time, they whine and cry while pathetically hanging from the door knob the entire time. Alternatively, my son will bring me toy vehicles and slide them under the door to “tempt” me to play with him. Somehow, I manage to resist the temptation 🙂

  158. You. Are. Awesome.

    #3? OMG yes. All the time. And #1. Yes. All the time.

    I’m so glad Jillsmo sent me here.

  159. Just shared this with my three kids (summarized and skipping over the word crappy…). They loved it. And my 7th son said (in a tone full of authority): “Well, Mom, those laws are true.”

  160. Laura Chaffin says:

    Mama: would you like to bring your toy?
    Child: no Mama.
    One second into arriving to destination…
    Child: OH NO! I FORGOT MY TOY!!

    Never fails.

  161. Heather says:

    This is hilarious. I loled at the video camera one.

  162. Jacquelyn says:

    BAhahaha! SO funny and SO TRUE!!! Love your posts <3
    ~Jacquelyn

  163. nicki says:

    plus the fact that they never nap at the same time. Child B will fall asleep about 10 min before child A wakes up. It’s a conspiracy to hold you hostage in your house ALL DAY. And if you try to fight their coup, they will counter with an atomic meltdown in the quietest, most public location of your journey.

  164. nicki says:

    Mine is often the opposite w/ friends over. They are really good when at church or at a sitters. So then when I try to mention them acting up people look at me like, “what are you TALKING about?!? Those kids are angels”

  165. Liza says:

    30 minutes have passed since your child has abandoned the remnants of his fries to go watch Diego, but the moment you finish inhaling the last crumb, he wants to know where they are. Tantrum ensues.

  166. carrie says:

    Exactly, Amber.

  167. Hekate says:

    @Tessa- HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OMG!!! That is EXACTLY what my kids do too but reversed. My son is the older of the two and he always tries to have his sister ask if they can watch TV or have a snack(usually right as I’m finishing up with making supper, lol).

  168. Hekate says:

    I didn’t read through all the comments but I have a crappy law. Let me set the background up first 🙂 We have a nice large yard, play area, decent size inflatable pool and LOADS of parks in the area. Okay, you got that picture? Here’s my ‘crappy law’:

    Scenario 1:
    The weather outside- 85 degrees, bright and sunny, not a cloud in the sky.
    The kids? Sitting inside watching TV >.< Scenario 2: The weather outside- 45 degrees, very grey and heavy clouds, overcast sky, possibly raining. The kids? "Mommy, can we go outside and go swimming?" ....Seriously?!?!?!?! LOL 🙂

  169. Anna says:

    yes! my 7yro son does that, usually about tv, “mum can i put on a dvd? Abi (who is one) wants to watch it, meanwhile she’s sitting there contentedly sucking her toes and couldn’t care less about it all.

  170. I realized why my daughter was louder while I was on the phone, she hated that I was talking to someone else. Unless we were in the car because I had to turn down the music which is a huge no-no in her mind. I actually started putting a sign on the door so no one would dare knock on my door or ring my door bell. My dogs never fail to bark when its time to sleep. My daughter also has coffee radar. Every time I make or I’m about to make she’s alert and in my face screaming “FOFFEE!!!” I can’t enjoy my coffee around her because she always somehow manages to knock it over. My latest favorite is when I’m worked so hard to scrub every mess out of the carpets my daughter seems to work super hard to put back each and every spot. I’ve questioned why I bother with my carpets. Oh and during potty training my daughter she sits and sits on the potty and as soon as she gets up has an accident.

  171. Emma cooper says:

    You will always eat burnt or cold food because the baby will need feeding/changing at that exact moment!!

  172. Andie says:

    Regardless of what is on their plate, they will always want to eat what is on my plate, then spit it back out onto my plate and go back to their food… Never glancing at what daddy has

  173. Elaine Voll says:

    I have a graph also.

    The size of the child inversely corresponds with the size of the mess (IE: Smaller child, bigger mess) I swear between burp rags, cloth diaper laundry, my spit up on clothes and wet nursing bras, crib sheets etc… an 8lb4oz baby boy can make WAY more of a mess than he does at 4 1/2!

  174. Sara says:

    My son will wail at bathtime– “But I didn’t finish my dinner!!” – this, 10 minutes after I’ve given up on making him get BACK in his seat and basically force-feeding him…

    Also, no matter what you do, or how you plan, if you try to make a good, ‘special’ dinner, everything will go smoothly until you literally set the food on the table. Then all hell will brake lose and you won’t get to eat for 2 hours.
    Yet the night you slap some eggs on toast and cut up an apple, crickets~!

  175. Sara says:

    Seriously!!

  176. Sara says:

    YES!! How do they know???

  177. Sara says:

    haha! ditto

  178. I loved this one. Especially the last one, that made me laugh out loud. I have gone running throw the house to find out what horrible, messy thing my children are up to, only to discover them playing quietly. It doesn’t happen often, but it happens.

  179. dawn says:

    so funny~ the last one is very sweet!

    + even now {with older kids, mind you}, when taking long car trips, 5 minutes after leaving the gas station, someone has to use the bathroom…guaranteed!!

  180. M says:

    ….and the older child will also be all about…what mischief can I cause now that the infant has The Mother totally incapacitated by being at The Boob…mayhem ensues with Mother ending up finally shouting JUST STOP IT! at the older child, who still continues, while the infant stops nursing and then starts to wail at The Boob for telling it to stop doing what was really rather enjoyable…. :-/

  181. Natikpops says:

    My two year old gets an urge to show me something in the bedroom or bathroom as soon as i sit at computer. I swear! He wouldn’t just leave me alone, takes my hand and drags me away.

    Another one is here – As soon as i had my dinner & taking a comfy position on the sofa, he is right there to bounce on me, wrestle me, & use me as his personal monkey bar. Uff… Kids are fun!

  182. Natikpops says:

    Emma, about the burnt food… You are not alone “)

  183. Olusola says:

    You’re in sea world and down to one diaper, that’s the one time baby will pee on the clean diaper befor you get it fastened

  184. Anna says:

    are you a fly on my wall? BRILLIANT, absolutely crappy brilliant

  185. I have one! Don’t think for one minute that things will be “easier” when your kids have grown up….I hate to break the bad news to you, but it WON’T be easier! In fact, the issues become WAAAY more complex! (Sorry)

  186. Liz says:

    Hilarious!! Loved the post- made me laugh out loud which is rare 😛

  187. Suzie says:

    You can buy a package of cookies when they’re not home, hide it in very the back of your top closet shelf under layers of winter clothes, yet they will still find the cookies within 5 minutes of coming home — two minutes if they have a partner in crime.

  188. Suzie says:

    (…cont) yet if you ask them where they took off their shoes thirty seconds ago, they have no clue.

  189. Jen Biasi says:

    How about the crappy rule that vacation, post-birth of my now 3.5-yr-old twins, has become “vacation? my ass.” (stifling a sarcastic giggle)?
    Or maybe the crappy rule that it’s ONLY when your 3YO kids are sporting bedheads and wearing size 2T, ice cream stained, our-good-clothes-are-in-the-wash outfits (and you’ve gone a good 2.5 days sans shower/makeup) that you see every fashionista friend you ever knew in Target. They’re no doubt buying flowers and wine. And you’re buying Pull-ups and string cheese. And wine.
    Or… recalling all of the great parenting advice for the times your kids have made a really big mistake, knowing full-well you should be employing it at this exact moment, and yet all you can do is laugh and join them in the big, crazy mess?
    ;o)

  190. Jen Biasi says:

    Heehee! Soooo true! Happens all the time over here…
    ;o)

  191. Mel says:

    I had enough one day…3 kids fighting, no one listening, I finally yelled “you guys are driving me crazy” My 7 year old took it upon himself to let my mother in law know that “Mom is going crazy and I think she is driving there”.

  192. Heather says:

    Crappy law at my house:

    My two sons ages 3 and 7 arn’t very good at taking turns EXCEPT when it’s taking turns Irritating The Crap Outta Mom. They don’t usually do it at the same time, and there’s never a quiet moment with no one pestering me. There must be a secret schedule or telepathic communication or something. For example at Target checkout, it’s actually quiet for a few seconds. One must somehow communicate to the other

    “Arn’t you going to whine for checkout candy?”

    “Oh no, by all means, you go ahead. I just finished mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom while she was on the phone.”

    “Oh, Ok. Thank you..I’ll start whining right away, but you better be prepared to throw a fit over pushing the cart in the parking lot.”

  193. nat says:

    As a childcare provider, I’ve had this happen so many times. The parents look at me with fear on their face, and ask, “Has she been like this all day?” It is wonderful to gently remind them that children tend to hold their stress in all day until they see a parent they love and trust. That’s when they let all the little stresses of their day come through.
    So really, all the yelling and fits, that’s love shining through!

  194. Man says:

    Two words: disposable diapers.

  195. Sarah says:

    as soon as you think to yourself “my goodness Jack is having a good long nap, I have gotten enough done around the house (at full sprint) to warrant a short nap myself!” Your head hits the pillow and…”mommy!!! I’m AWAAAAAAAAKE!”

    or…

    They save their most angelic dispositions and highest levels of cutness for Grandma and Grandpa, thereby giving zero clout to your venting sessions to your mother about what a rough day you had with your toddler! The response is always “I don’t believe it! This little angel? Not a chance!”

  196. London Sarah says:

    oh yes. my 19 month DD can sense when i’ve just fallen asleep, whether it’s 10pm or 2am – then she wakes up.

  197. Kelly Lauta says:

    I have not laughed that hard in a long time. Great blog! Love the crappy pictures!!

  198. Jolene says:

    There are a few.. most definitely the needing to wake up vs weekend mornings. School days she’s content to sleep until 8 or 9 o’clock. Weekends…she’s up before the sun and proudly using her new time-telling skills to proclaim that it’s “AM that means breakfast time!” And undoubtedly the day you think “there is no school tomorrow, I can pretend there is and she’ll sleep in!” Is the day that they schedule you for a parent-teacher conference at 8:30 am and you have no sitters because it’s a week-day!

    There is also the friend is over game. Friends come over, child thinks they can now do whatever they want because friends are over and mom & dad will not see what they are doing as wrong because…FRIENDS ARE OVER! So when said friend writes on the child’s bedset with markers and crayons (YES CRAYONS BECAUSE KIDS HAVE THE WEAR-WITH-ALL to sit through coloring on a bed sheet and pillowcase with a CRAYON!) and you question your child about it. They get testy because you’re questioning them. “It’s really not fair, Momma, because THEY did it! Not me!”
    Mom: “Well, where were you when this happened?”
    Child: “I was watching…”
    Mom: “Why didn’t you stop them?”
    Child: “I’m a kid! They don’t listen to me!”
    Mom: “Why didn’t you get a grown-up?”
    Child: Deliberate, dramatic sigh…”I didn’t want them to get in trouble.”

    Or my personal favorite the “You-are-not-needed-until-you-close-the-bathroom-door theory.” Child can contentedly watch movie, read a book, play, etc etc until you decide to sneak off to try to potty. At which point, AS SOON AS you close the door the door WILL open behind you or there WILL be a knock at the door. They either desperately need you or they desperately NEED to potty TEN MINUTES AGO!

  199. Sophia says:

    Oh I laugh!

  200. Thora Siegel says:

    How about: The amount of vomit your child produces (instantly- never with any warning) is directly proportionate to the distance you are from a sink/toilet. Your choices are: 1) run, carrying the kiddo and trailing vomit and they always finish right when you get there, or 2) let them throw up right there (usually on MY bed- why do they always puke on my bed?) while desperately trying to find some kind of receptacle.

  201. julie says:

    Saw this on fb…who are you, your crappy illustrations are BRILLIANT…I hope you become THE NEXT BIG THING and I can seeyou crappy drawings everywhere….sigh, why didn’t I think of this…

  202. Mememe says:

    Disposable diapers DO NOT HELP. First diaper in after changing diaper bin will the stinkiest poopy diaper baby has had all week.

  203. Mememe says:

    I don’t think you’ve missed anything there, Stacey.

  204. Great! That’s a unique post! I really like it because I haven’t landed
    yet on a blog that discusses what’s good about our health.

  205. Tracy says:

    Crappy rules of eating:
    Fresh water and broccoli will make a toddler gag, but bath water and cat food will be consumed like candy.

    Another potty rule:
    Whenever we are traveling, after we have stopped to eat, gone potty, and changed diapers…it never fails, one of the kids yells “I pooped” immediately upon reentering the car.

  206. Melanie says:

    When you hire professionals to carpet clean (or house clean in general)..your toddler will inevitably spill something on the rug when the cleaner is just pulling out of the drive.

  207. Mike H says:

    Regardless of what it may be in your mind, the best toy is the one that the other kid is holding.

  208. Rach says:

    No matter how many things you move/pack away/ tie up(eg cords) nor how many kiddy locks you put on or the amount of times you vacuum the floor every day your just learning to crawl/walk child STILL manages to find SOMETHING to hurt themselves on or put in their mouth

  209. Rach says:

    OMGosh I had something like that in the mall, put a clean one on, as I walked into the first shop after changing her I smell this faint poo smell. Look in the bag NO NAPPIES LEFT!!! So I think, well it can’t be TOO bad. SHe just did a huge one. The smell gets worse and worse to the point where I have to go and get a new pack of nappies and change her again, only to find a little ball of poo in there.

  210. Nurse Aid K says:

    Rinse out poopy diapers in the toilet. I work in a long-care facility now and have worked in daycare centers in the past. When dealing with soiled clothing or cloth diapers pre-wash measures are best. Especially if its after (and usually is) linen service’s last pick-up.

  211. Bonnie says:

    My son was the king of spit up! Seriously, there was never a baby in this world that spit up like he did (and drool). My crappy parenting law is, he could go an hour without any spit up or drool and the one time I don’t have a bib next to me and say to myself, “I’ll grab one next time I go upstairs.” He projectile vomits, spits up and drools EVERYWHERE! Heehee!

  212. Emily says:

    Here are the laws at our house:

    Child who is adament that she does NOT have to go potty will suddenly get the urge to go once we’re 5 minutes into our trip.

    Have important plans for the afternoon/evening? Child/ren will not nap, and behavior will be heinous.

    The younger the child (or the bigger the pregnant belly), the more comments and advice you will receive from complete strangers.

    Have a new baby? First question will be, “What’s his/her name?” Second question will be, “Are you planning to have more?” (WTF, can I please get used to this one first?) Other likely questions, if you hang around longer than 10 seconds, “Is s/he a good baby?” “What does your older one think?” “Are you breastfeeding?” “What do you do with the baby while you’re at work?” “How much did s/he weigh?”

    I actually had an older lady FOLLOW ME in Walgreens one day continuing to ask questions, except she was addressing my older child (4) instead of me. “Is that your baby? Do you like being a big sister? What’s the baby’s name? What’s your name? How old are you?” etc etc

  213. Lorraine says:

    My godson is three, and he still has the “I want to do it!” mentality. God FORBID I forget and flush the toilet myself–he wails like I am stabbing him.

  214. Lorraine says:

    My thing is that we get SOOOOOOOOO freaked out, right? And it’s just. pee. It DOES wash off. Somehow in our minds, it’s like the apocalypse will come if the child has an accident. You’re so right that they pick up on this and use it to their advantage. During a shopping trip at a huge, busy outlet mall, my godson was standing in line with me for the second potty trip in an hour. I looked at him and asked, “Do you really have to pee, or are you just messing with me?” He looked me right in the eye and replied, “Just messin’ with you”.

  215. Lorraine says:

    Yessssss . . . the fingers under the door! classic. And I would love to see a crappy illustration of this one!

  216. Kate says:

    I can relate to all of these, but SO GLAD to see this one on here. I go through this Every.Other.Day.

  217. stacy says:

    Put a pair of briefs on over the diaper and he won’t be able to get it off…

  218. Danielle says:

    Can relate to quite a few of these! Encountered number 8 last night.

  219. Emily says:

    Oh, I so needed this!

  220. hermes says:

    Keep up the good works.

  221. Sherry says:

    Gosh, I never had problems like this. My son is turning 2 next week and he’s been sleeping 12 hour nights since he was 6 weeks old. He’s really well mannered and sleeps in his own bed, is toilet trained and eats with a knife and fork, says please, and “tanks mumma” for thank you 🙂 It’s all in how much effort you put into raising them like that. Though I suspect my boy would still be really placid even if I hadn’t. Very lucky to have such a well behaved little guy 🙂

  222. Katherine says:

    Your kid will not tell you she wants her milk in the green cup until after you have poured her milk into the purple cup.

  223. Marcie says:

    Picture this…you’re constipated and you finally have to go to the bathroom to poo and the moment you are relaxed to actually go, your daughter is dancing like there’s no tomorrow ’cause she’s gotta go now! What do you do? Yank her panties down and sit her on the toilet…in front of you…and you both go…at the same time…on the same toilet….sigh….crisis averted

  224. Hilarious! My whole blog is about Murphy’s laws of kids…I just saw this post. I promise I didn’t copy you. 🙂

  225. Jenn says:

    Not only is my child being too quiet, it turns out he is in an off limits room because someone, usually my hubby, didn’t make sure the door to the room was properly closed.

  226. sunny says:

    Im age 7 and my mom always saws this and this is so like me and my 10 year old sister

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