Based on the title of this post you might guess that it is going to be about Crappy Boy and Crappy Baby. It isn’t.
The backstory to this post is that Crappy Papa and I watched Kill Bill again recently. If you haven’t seen it, there is a lot of fighting. Like in a good way. Badass fighting by Uma Thurman. She is amazing. I’d totally hit that. (Well, at least if I swung that way which I unfortunately don’t. My swing wasn’t built that way. Sorry Uma. I know you’re crushed.)
Anyway, after I watch movies like this something happens to me. I start feeling badass. And pretending I’m badass. I don’t actually do anything different. I just start fantasizing about having a Hattori Hanzo sword and knowing kung fu.
……………………
So I am thinking about how badass I am while I chop a carrot in the kitchen.
Crappy Papa enters.
So I say:
I boldly announce that I’ve always wanted to have a knife fight.
After being together for thirteen years, it is hard to surprise or impress Crappy Papa. He already knows everything about me. But sometimes I try.
He says, “Oh yeah?” incredulously and with one eyebrow raised.
I turn to face him. To look him in the eye and communicate how serious I am.
He smirks.
And then he asks:
He asks me about knife slashing.
I reply:
He immediately starts laughing and asks:
I scowl at him. He is making fun of me! Can’t he see how badass I am?
Laughing, he says:
A stabbing?
You mean I’ve just accidentally admitted that I’ve always wanted to stab someone?
Well, that isn’t badass. That is scary.
Wait.
Scary IS badass.
So I turn up the scary.
His laughter falters and he slinks out of the kitchen.
Totally badass.
——————
No husbands were injured in the real life situation that lead to the making of this post.
Also, this blog won a 2013 Bloggies award for Best Parenting or Family Weblog. Huge thanks to to all of you who voted. Have I mentioned lately how I’m still in awe about the whole “people read my blog” thing? This must sound crazy considering I have a book coming out tomorrow. (Which is even more difficult to believe. Is that really happening? For real, for real? Wow.) But it’s true. I don’t take any of this for granted. You guys are amazing.
Sigh. Nothing in the above paragraph sounded badass at all. I’ve lost it already.
Oh and if you’ve heard others saying they’ve received the book already, yes, one of the retailers accidentally shipped a batch of books out a week early. Some leaked out.<—That’s what she said.
You are badass. Don’t let anyone kid you.
Hahahah I am *so* glad I’m not the only one who suddenly becomes bad ass after watching action movies!
Ditto. heh. My favorite is watching Star Wars then spending the next couple of days totally controlling things with The Force.
LOL
Alison – I’m with you – I have one grocery store (who knows why its just that one) that I always wave my hand and pretend I’m Obi Won to make it open – we all thought that was so cool in the movie…never thinking that all automatic doors do that. But, when I do it at the grocery, I am cool. (in my own head 😉
I do have the force! It usually works best when I am sitting and there is something on the other side of the room (like my glass of water) and I really want it. I look at my husband and then at the glass and it gets into my hand without me having to get up. I always joke that I have the powers of the force and he doesn’t. It works much better when I’m pregnant I find. 🙂
To this DAY I still make BBSSSHH sound when I turn on a flashlight. Because I am a Jedi badass.
This is why we have video games…I get to be a bad ass all the time!
I watched all the seasons of Alias, in a row, for many, many months…and every time I’d walk in the parking garage in my heels, to or from my old office in LA, I def walked with an air of badass. I really truly thought I was as badass as Sydney Bristow. I even wanted to join the CIA so I could wear wigs and speak in funny accents (um, totally not realistic, I found). Glad I’m not the only one too!!
Me too! After action movies I’m so badass “in my own head” that there are intruders invading the upsairs to my house and I duck in and out of doors. Well at least until I am caught by my hubby and asked what the hell I’m doing. LOL
“That’s what she said.” Totally badass.
Bahaha. I really hope everyone read to the very end. Priceless.
Always read to the very end <—- wise advice. 🙂
Some of the funniest bits are in the footnotes!
Agree’d that’s totally badass!!! And I really should learn by now not to read the blog while eating!!! Might inhale a pasta noodle :O
I totally whistle “the tune” while walking down the halls at the hospital I work at…… make me smile a little inside when I do!
My sister can’t whistle so I do the whistle from that movie and she is in awe and gets me to do it over and over again LOL Lets just say whistling that at Christmas time is a bit messed up 🙂
I totally do that too. I walk around the house pretending to do back flips and shoot everybody. One day my kids will think its hilarious. . . or really weird.
“some leaked out…that’s what she said”
Can’t stop laughing now! As always, thanks for the good times and I look forward to buying your book and copies for all my friends who are about to become parents. They truly have no idea what they’re in for….
that’s what she said…yes.
just found you a few days ago. GREAT BLOG. funny stories. and i love the pics. your lamenting is universal.
You are a total badass, that is why I voted for you!
Cannot wait to get your book tomorrow! I have been counting down the days 🙂
OH!!! It comes out tomorrow?!?!? HOORAY!!!! I pre-ordered it for my nook! I’m so excited!!
PS – TOTALLY relate to the bad ass feeling after watching a movie like that. Have you ever felt like you could be a spy, or a lawyer, or Bella Swan? Because I have.
It isn’t hard to be Bella Swan. You just need to find a man. Let him become everything in your world, to the point that when he leaves you, you crumble into a little heap of nothing, because without your man, you are indeed nothing. Oh, and don’t smile.
just breathe breathy little breaths
and look like you have indigestion – someone get her some pepto
Book leakage – don’t they make a pill for that? Hey! You wrote a book! If the worst thing that happens is book leakage, you’re all right.
I thought I was the only one who did that after watching movies! I walk around thinking I’m all tough shit and daydream about climbing walls.
That is the funniest “that’s what she said” and most appropriate for moms I’ve ever heard. It is so sadly true. Boob leakage, pee leakage. Ugh, becoming a mom has increased the leakage. Sorry ’bout the book leakage though.
Love the Kill Bill movies too!!! If my third child had been a girl, her name would have been Beatrix after Uma’s character in Kill bill 1 & 2. Instead my boy is named Tyler after Tyler Durden in Fight Club….another favorite bad ass movie of ours. :).
Sigh, I wish Kindle leaked the book a week early! 😉 Can’t wait for tomorrow!
This is so true! I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon last weekend and I was balancing on the rooftops for a few days. 😉
I totally thought you were going to start throwing carrots at each other. I’m a little disappointed.
Before my husband and I had kids, I had studied karate for 17 years and had a black belt (yeah, haven’t had time SINCE bearing said offspring). So when I feel badass, he KNOWS I could actually kick his ass. You know, if I wanted to. Or you know, had energy to. 🙂 (No husbands were injured for this post, either. Just clarifying.)
I’m right there with you! Well maybe not the stabbing people part but I always love to imagine myself as some tough, badass. Sometimes I imagine having super powers or just having crazy mad skills. I even think, yeah, I’m totally going to take martial arts and learn to kick ass! But I don’t, we’ll I took an aikido class once but I didn’t stick with it long enough to get good or do anything we learned at all. Someday, yes someday, I will roam back alleys slaying vampires.
Bahahahahahahaa … You secretly are a ninja. A stabbing ninja. One that is super cool and writes blogs and has kids.
Crappy ninja. Woot woot
crappy ninja! hahahahaha!!! i SO want to see some crappy pictures of that!
Ditto that.. Crappy Ninja pics will be sooooooo badass!! 😛
I love how witty even the readers of the blog are, love!
Crappy ninja, awesome.
I’m not much of a fighter, but I drive like a maniac after watching any movie with a chase scene. And I think I could totally fit two car seats in a Mini Cooper just like Charlize Theron’s in The Italian Job.
THIS!
Yup. My sister and I looked at each other at the end of “Gone In 60 Seconds” to see who was going to get to drive home. She won 🙁
Her husband didn’t have his licence at that point, and he totally didn’t get how pumped we were by the movie!
Take a kick boxing class. It always makes me feel super-badass! Even if everyone I’m beating up is imaginary, it still feels badass!
I’ve seen this happen to my husband! A few Christmas seasons ago, we were watching the Bourne Supremacy after the kids went to bed. During the movie, we hear a lot of racket in our front yard followed by a car peeling out. Turns out someone teenager (we think) had broken our light-up deer on the lawn. As SOON as my husband sees what has happened, he runs to the garage, and squeals out of the driveway in his Rav4, tearing down the street to find these hoodlums. Total badass, right? 😉
I nonchalantly called non-emergency police to report what had happened. The dispatcher asked if we had a description of the car. I said no, but perhaps shortly, since my husband had just peeled out of the driveway like Jason Bourne to find the culprits. She and I both started laughing.
(He never did catch them, but he sure felt powerful. LOL!!)
I love that you and the dispatcher had a good laugh together!
Even my husband laughs at that story now. Haha!
I love this story…I love the Bourne movies! This is so cute!
Why couldn’t it have been MY retailer that accidentally leaked your book?! The anticipation is driving me crazy! 😀
yeah.. or why couldn’t the leaked shipment end up here in South Africa!! Already added the book to my wishlist on kalahari.com some weeks ago, I just wish I can ORDER it already!!
Um, are we evil twins? I watched both Kill Bills with my husband last week, looked at him very seriously and said “I want to kick the shit out of someone before I die. Just once. I want to beat someone up Uma style.” He looked…concerned.
So awesome. I pretty much feel that way any time I see something with a chick that kicks ass. Kill Bill (obvi.), La Femme Nikita, Long Kiss Goodnight, Tomb Raider…..I remember leaving the theater after seeing Natural Born Killers and wanting to talk my boyfriend into a life on the lam from the law. I wanted to wear floppy hats and short shorts and big Doc Martins and stomp on people that made me mad…. But then I remembered I had a hair appointment the next day I didn’t want to miss…..
my husband gave out imitation hatori hanzo swords to his groomsmen when we got married – you should get one and really scare the pants off your husband 😀
LOL!
Oh my gosh, I can’t believe my husband didn’t think of this! This beats a flask any day.
I studied martial arts, too, and have often speculated about how I’d take out my (much larger) husband. He knows I could, too! But–as he pointed out when I sent him your post–if I did it while we were making dinner, I’d be stuck doing the dishes, so…yeah, he’s safe!
Awesome post!
Hahaha…the dishes would definitely make you re-think the whole thing.
Another AWESOME post. Hubby and I saw This is 40 and the wife talked about if she were to kill her husband it would be slowly with rat poison over a few months so she could take care of him in his last days. Well during that scene I turned to hubby and was like “I would totally do it that way too. You would be so sweet to me then” lol. Don’t worry. I don’t ACTUALLY intend on it, but it was just a funny moment we shared
lol I joked with my hubby at that spot in the movie too! At least our husband’s know we aren’t serious 😉
LOL
lmfao love it … my hubby and I are like that. Can’t wait for your book!
PS – I love the last comment 😉
silly silly husbands who mock wives with knives…. 😉
Wives with knives LOL
I do that too. I think that somehow I’ve gained the skills necessary to kick someone’s butt (you know, because the movie made me totally qualified and stuff)
My SIL often shares that she “feels stabby” and no one better mess with her today. You’re not alone.
“Feels stabby”! Love it! I am going to steal this one! That totally captures my mood today! Thanks!
Sounds like your SIL reads the Bloggess, she says that pretty often, always funny!
EVERY time there’s a movie like that on I inevitably ask him if he thinks I’d be a good : spy, kickboxer, street fighter, President, mob informant, vampire, zombie killer, international woman of mystery…. love that I’m married to a man that humors me and says Yes. (even though i know what that smile means.)
I wish this blog had LIKE capabilities ’cause every comment has been so spot on and funny. What a great group of kick-ass Crappies!
I think that too! I often want to “like” comments on here.
Yes! I agree.
Ditto that!! I always read the comments too! 😀
LOve this!
LOL…I recently did that whole, don’t mess with me, I’m holding a knife thing too! My husband also laughed and walked away. Hmmm…I have to figure out why I’m not intimidating (says the 4’11” woman who accidentally stabbed herself while opening a package of meat a few years ago).
I’m 4’11″(and a half) too! I was so disappointed when I realized I wasn’t going to grow anymore…. I still am 🙁
Heh – I do this every time I hack up a whole chicken with my cleaver. My husband walks into the kitchen, I turn around, menacingly holding the cleaver up, and do the “evil laugh” – bwah-hah-hah! He feigns fear and walks away. It’s the little rituals that bind you as a couple. 🙂
It really is the little things.
“It’s the little rituals that bind you as a couple” – Love it so much I want that on a t shirt… or a t towel
I love that I keep all my kitchen knives SUPER sharp and some are really big. That way when the husband comes in the kitchen and plays the sarcasm card when I’m prepping dinner I can make sure I let him know I have the bigger knife in the battle.
you ARE a badass!
I frequently tell my husband I am a spy and a sniper. This conversation always ensues after watching Bourne Supremacy-ish movies. He laughs at me while I quit speaking to him in a huff.
haha, awesome! Sounds like a fair fight to me!
I told my hubby that if he really *loved* me, he’d buy me one of your coffee mugs and a copy of your book. Then I mused that if he really *trusted* me, he’d buy me a new knife set (ours has seen better days). He chuckled nervously and said, “So where do I get that mug?” I don’t know if that’s badass or he just thinks I’m unstable. LOL
I am the queen of “that’s what she said”!!! Does that make me badass too?? I’ve always wanted to be badass, I tell my teenagers that I am and they just laugh.
We say it all the time too, it is so addictive.
Did that retailer laugh really hard? Because sometimes some leaks out that way. Not that I’d admit it in public, but, you know.
Wicked badass.
It’s like after I watch Fast and Furious and think I’m a badass stunt driver. In my Prius.
ME TOO! And I pretend the two car seats in the back are for holding the precious (illegal) cargo that I’m transporting. That may or may not be crusted in 24k Cheerios.
Sigh. If only the Rock would pull me over.
Mmmm…The Rock!
Me too except a minivan. Can you be badass in a minivan? I can!
Oh yes.
Of course you can! You’ve seen Mr. and Mrs. Smith, right? Oh, and I signed up for a 5k mudrun called The Badass, so now I’ll have a Tshirt! Although a crappy Tshirt with amber menacingly holding a knife and a carrot would be awsomer.
OMG, this exact conversation happened between me and hubby years ago when Kill Bill came out! Thanks for the laugh and the memories it brought back!
so freakin’ badass!
I thought you were going to throw a knife and say “That’s what chef’s do.” — Quoted from one of my favorites where Geena Davis is a total badass in The Long Kiss Goodnight.
I adore that.
I love you for saying “that’s what she said” since I was already thinking it before I got past the arrow. <3
“That’s what she said”?!!! Bahahaha oh man, you always go there, and I love it!
that’s what she said! day = made 🙂
Me too!
We’re at about the 13 year mark, too, and I try stuff like this all the time. Unfortunately, my husband actually expects the unexpected now. Super hard to surprise. No fun at all.
I’m one who got your book early! I ordered it online thru barnes and noble and got it Saturday. I loved it! 🙂
So jealous, mine shipped today though, can’t wait!
I always act like I am world class gambler and thief after watching the Ocean’s 11 movies and the Italian Job. Then I go out and drive my Prius like Charlize Theron drives that Mini Cooper! I’m actually pretty badass behind the wheel (or at least I think I am)! 🙂
I’ve always wanted to be in a knife/sword fight too! And I wouldn’t have to worry about getting slashed, because I’m obviously so good that nobody would be able to slash me. Duh, Crappy Papa. 🙂
I must be one of the lucky few that got leaked on because my wife called to tell me I have a package from Amazon at home. I can’t wait. 🙂
Saw your book on the table at a Books-A-Million in Charlotte, NC – only 4 left! Way to go!!
What? You can get it in a store already? How is that possible?
I used to work at a bookstore, and we’d occasionally get books ahead of the official release date so we could have them on the shelves the correct day. They would be labeled not to sell before x/x date. If someone isn’t paying attention or doesn’t care, they could get out early. If the publisher finds out, however, they are jeopardizing their privilege of getting early books.
I was in a BAM when the 50 Shades books came out. I was happy, grabbed one and promptly marched to the cashier. He sadly told me that they couldn’t sell me the book for another 2 days. 2 DAYS! I was pissed!
I take the Body Combat classes at the gym every week (during lunch). I totally felt badass today– kicking the stuffing out of characters in a book I’ve been reading, just like the heroine. The best choreography is when we take our “swords” and lop off heads and slash bellies! Sometimes I imagine the people on my shit list being on the receiving end of the fight. Other times I fight against all the injustices in the world, especially those against children. At the end of class I feel like I can take on the world–BRING IT! (preferably before I collapse at my desk at work 🙂 )
I feel so badass after watching movies like Lara Croft Tomb Raider that I walk around the house shutting the doors by kicking them. I even flush the toilet with my foot, which I normally only do in public restrooms, not at home. Unfortunately I am known for being clumsy so most of these adventurous expressions of badassness end up with something really embarrassing or humiliating happening to me. Luckily my husband is usually the only one witnessing it and like yours, he has seen it all. (He is, however, scared of me when I am holding a knife in my hand. But that is because he knows me and because of the above mentioned clumsiness more than my badassness…)
Glad to see im not the only one who use to pretend to be and do lara croft stunts looovvveeed tomb raider so freakin much and my husband sadly does not see me as badass but will stand a respectable distance away from me when i have a knife due to my clumbsiness. Sigh at least it keeps him out the kitchen an d my way when im in it.
I tell my partner that I may seem small and weak but in reality I could crush him with my thighs if I really wanted to and he laughs so loud, I love it hehehe
That IS badass.
This happens to me when I read Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum novels. I start feeling invincible. Then, I clutch my lower back as I get up off the floor from tripping on another damned Barbie.
Word.
While I admit that I am a newly retired granny, I still relate to a lot of your posts. Today’s had several lol moments for me, not counting the “that’s what she said” tidbit. Thanks for always brightening my day. You could totally be a badass stabber.
I totally feel the same way! No, not the stabbing someone part, but the part about feeling all badass after watching a chick kick ass on TV! That, and I occasionally like to pretend I have super powers….but who doesn’t?
Oh my goodness!!! I nearly died at “that’s just stabbing!”
I usually just end up hurting myself when I go on the “badass” binges. Scabs almost healed from last such adventure.
I don’t get that way, but I always feel charming and adorable after I watch a chick-flick, like I am cute like the main character. And I always feel very regal after reading Jane Austen. My inner monologue starts sounding very British.
I am the best dancer on earth after a cool dance movie! I can break out the the mose awesome “non-choreographed” moves…in my head.
“That’s not a knife fight. That’s a stabbing!” Hahaha. I literally laughed out loud. I was right there with you thinking how I could be in a knife fight too. And, just like you, my bubble burst when I realized that the other person should also technically wield a knife.
Fabulous, I laughed out loud!
I’m the exact same way. And not just action movies, with everything movies. I always turn into the lead character for a few hours.
This made me laugh so hard, especially the stabbing part.
Thanks for the ongoing laughs, can’t wait for the book.
I think I just leaked something reading this.
I totally get “acting badass”! After we saw the Italian Job, I found myself driving…differently on the way home. Didn’t realized I was doing it until my husband pipes up with “Alright, Charlize, slow down.” I love movies that make me feel all badass and sexy.
I think you’re badass for even watching action movies like that. I am such a wussy girlie girl.
Women who have power tools and can cut amazing things out of wood are badass!!!! You had street cred for a long time!!!
I do that too! I thought I was the only one! or, at least maybe the only girl? I have repeated fantasies about being totally awesome and defeating ALL THE BAD GUYS. Whoever they are, and wherever they’re hiding. I’m coming for you.
At least, in my head. A little. I’m afraid of strangers.
You are soooo badass. I’m scared of you =]
The same happens to me when I watch Burn Notice. I think I can blow things up, fight and leap tall buildings!
You, and your knife, and your crappy drawings, and your book… are inspiring. Lately there have been several bloggers who have come out with books, but I don’t buy them because I’m cheap and I only buy books at Goodwill. I will be buying YOUR book, though, because it is one that can sit on a coffee table and entertain guests. Therefore totes worth the expense. 🙂
Congrats on the Bloggie! And tomorrow is book release day! Yay! I am so happy for you and your B.A. self!
I feel badass when I drive my car, because it’s a stick shift. I like to gun it and pretend I can go really face, like in a race car.
It’s the little things….
I just read this outloud to my husband in the other room and am crying from laughing! I love your posts! I don’t even have children and I keep reading because you always make me laugh. You do such a great job! (I feel like that makes me sound creepy that I read your parenting blog but I don’t have children. eep.)
So I did it, I pre-ordered your book last night!!! I am a procrastinator so doing it a day early is really good for me but you said it was important and I LOVE your blog so I figured it was the least I could do. Thank you for all the time you have devoted! You are bad ass!
I love responding with “you do realize”…
Oh… I SO want to order the Kindle version to hold me over until the hardback arrives. I need some good laughs!
Congratulations for winning the Best parenting or family weblog also this year! You totally deserve it!
If you’re looking for other badasses, check out Badass of the Week. It’s a website that deals with awesome kickass people from history (or present day). It’s full of knife fights. And heroisim. And bloodbaths. And just generally awesome cuss words that make you laugh til you snort. I am not the author, but I visit it frequently. It’s like the website equivilant of watching a badass movie.
I have received the digital copy of your book today (yes!) and I have to confess that coincidentally I was sneaking up in the bathroom when i read the part about sneaking up in the bathroom to read a book 🙂 Are you psychic or something? 😉
I love it!
Just finished your book that was delivered to my kindle last night at midnight! Loved it! Laughed out loud many times. My husband thinks I bought something kinky 50 Shades ogle Gray-ish because he looked over my shoulder on the pizza penis story. Ha ha! I might not let him know the truth. 😉
LOVED this one! I laughed so hard tears started to form! Reminds me of the conversations I have with my husband.
I just recently discovered your blog, and I’m totally in LOVE.
I feel badass after watching an episode of Buffy, so I get ya on this one!
Also, that movie Haywire? ROCK.
Hahaha I love this! Totally sounds like something my hubby and I would talk about I love it so much I had to go read it to him but only the pictures due to his limited manly attention span.
I think you’re badass based soley on your ability to chop carrots in a floor-length purple ball gown while threatening to knife fight your husband. If that isn’t badass, I don’t know what is.
I laughed so hard I started coughing and I’m laughing as I’m writing this.
I’m also trying not to pee myself. The whole giving birth thing has limited my bladder control abilities.
Wow. I seriously just laughed so hard, I had bury my face in my pillow so I wouldn’t wake my two year old.
as a male and a husband i just know what crappy papa is thinking in those first few frames
Hilarious posts AND awesome taste in movies? I think I might be a little in love with you. But not like, for real for real. 🙂
I laugh so hard that I cried!!! That doesn´t happen to me often. Your blog is awesome!
I will be seriously amazed along with your publishing skills since well like with the dwelling for ones web site. Is a new paid material and also do you modify the item oneself? In any event keep up the superb good quality composing, it truly is rare to see a great weblog just like it these days.
Seriously, your posts are all hilarious. I’m not a parent yet, but I know I will have the exact thoughts. Thank you for spreading the sarcasm and joy into everyone’s life. This blog is amazing!!
Everything is very open with a really clear description of the challenges.
It was really informative. Your website is useful.
Many thanks for sharing!