I am shopping in a department store. WITHOUT kids. I’m on a quest for a sun hat.
I try on hats. There is a mirror on the end of the display aisle. I select a hat and walk over to the mirror.
I try on a red one that makes me feel fabulous. Like vintage-movie-star-lounging-next-to-a-kidney-shaped-pool fabulous.
In the mirror, I get a glimpse of the display behind me.
I turn to look at it:
It is Spanx®. You know, shapewear. I’ve never tried it.
Oh, I’ve heard of it. The Pioneer Woman wears it. Scary Mommy wears it. Honest Mom wears it. Adele wears it. (Apologies to all the Spanx wearers I’ve missed. I’m sure there are at least three more.)
So it is settled. If those fine ladies are doing it, it must be the stuff that fuzzy kittens are made of. (You know, tiny bits of awesome.)
I gingerly fondle the tank tops that promise to transform me into something way better than I currently am.
I picture the new me and it truly is fabulous. Like vintage-movie-star-lounging-next-to-a-kidney-shaped-pool-holding-a-martini fabulous.
Hourglass here I come.
I head to the dressing room and shove myself into it. I have heard warnings that these things can be difficult to stuff yourself into. It is true. They have to be uncommonly tight in order to do their magical squeezy job. That is the whole point.
After a short struggle I manage to pull it down over my breasts (had to shoehorn them one by one – that is the secret trick) and I finish putting it on.
It is time! The big reveal!
I look in the mirror:
It successfully turned my torso into a sausage with a too-tight casing. And my meat filling is squeezing out of the bottom.
In other words, no. Not for me.
Sigh, I can’t even wear Spanx®. I have reached a new level of uncool.
I start to take it off:
Which is even more difficult than getting it on.
Way more difficult.
I’m working against gravity now and I have no leverage.
I pull a muscle in my neck trying to yank it upwards. Ouch. I struggle some more. Can I push it down the other way? No, there is no way it will fit over my hips. How do I do this? I can’t get it off!
After a few more minutes, reality sets in…
I can’t. get. it. off.
What do I do? Do I call for help from one of the salesgirls? No, that is too humiliating. The girls working in this department are young. High school aged. They wouldn’t understand. I can’t possibly ask them for help. I’d rather die in here.
Oh my god, I’m going to die in here!
It is so tight and stuck around my chest that it is hard to breathe. I could pass out! I’d fall and smack my temple and die of an epidural hematoma!
I should call 911! I need help!
No, no this is ridiculous. There is no need to panic. I’m fine. Calm down. Breathe.
What should I do?
Should I call Crappy Papa? No, he is with the kids. He can’t waltz himself and the kids into the dressing room to “help” me without it causing a stir. The staff will ask questions. I’ll be found out. Too embarrassing.
Should I call a friend? No, the closest one lives at least 15 minutes away if she is even home. I can’t sit here hyperventilating for 15 minutes. Plus, I’d never hear the end of it. Ever.
This is so humiliating. But I can’t get it off. It isn’t coming off.
I need to escape. I need to get out of here.
I’ve got it! I can put my dress on over the top of it and walk out of the store! When I get home I’ll have Crappy Papa cut it off of me with a scissors. Wait, this would be stealing. This is a horrible idea. What if I got caught? No, too risky and wrong.
I’ll have to pay for it if I leave with it. I could remove the tag and take it to the front to pay. I’ll explain that I wanted to wear it right away. People do that with shoes. It might seem normal even. I could probably pull this off and still seem like a normal person. Then we could cut it off at home.
Let me find the tag… found it… wait. NO. I’m not spending this much on something that I do not want.
I have to get OUT of this! I just have to get into the right position.
It’s like I’m birthing myself through a Spanx® vagina.
ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! I’m crowning!
And I’m out!
I collapse onto the dressing room bench and catch my breath.
Finally, I collect my things, buy a sun hat and leave.
As I walk out of the store I have that post-labor bliss thing going on.
And I feel fabulous.
Fifty Shades of Awesome. I have been too scared to try these things on because of exactly. this.
they are a nightmare!!! :/
You have to try on the ones that go from the bottom up, those are awesome by spanx! But stay away from the tank tops if you are busty.
Agree! I love the spanx panty one but then again I’ve only worn it twice to weddings.
Is that MY Nicole? You know who you are???
I agree, the panty ones are really good, the tanks, not so much!
The bra one isn’t so bad. I actually use it often while I was nursing cause I could stretch it to the side and the reshape it back over my breast and the nipple pad (tmi?). The trick is not to get too small a size. You THINK you want it to be tight and synch you up, but really you want it to be comfy. Like a good sports bra.
Or maybe I misused mine. I dunno.
*used it often
Jenelle–Snarky much? A whole post on the torture device, ahem, Spanx and all you can do is comment on grammar? Really?
Teagans momma-It looks to me as if Janell was commenting on her own grammar snafus, not someone else’s.
and synch when I think you mean cinch.
The trick with getting Spandx on is to stand on the bench of the fitting room, hold the Spandx garment out in front of you and jump into it letting the laws of gravity and force do the work. Getting it off…well, panic and sweat is the only way I have seen.
Bought one because of all the raves. Took a shower, dried off. Waited some time to be sure I was dry. Then started the task. As I texted my friend, I was so sweaty by the time I got them on, I needed another shower. Thought about it and would use a hair dryer to dry me and them off. Decided against it. Then realized I needed to use the bathroom. Oh no!!! Took a pair of scissors and cut the opening. Got to think ahead when wearing them.
Amber – This is so funny. I’ve gotten into some serious try-on room predicaments myself because I have a rotary cuff injury in my shoulder. Expecting moms need to check out our comfortably supportive maternity underwear at <a href="http://belevation.com. Women tell us they love our products because they are not being squeezed to death. True beauty can be seen on your face when you are feeling good and not being tortured. Thank you for the laughs! – From Belevation Mom
I haven’t laughed so hard in a really long time. So so funny!! I honestly thought that I was the only person in the world who got themselves in predicaments like this one. My problem is that I’m claustrophobic. If I couldn’t get the thing off I would hyperventilate & then I would really be in trouble. After reading this, I will probably NEVER try on this torture device. I do, however appreciate the laugh. LOVED reading this. Thank you 🙂
Oh my GOD this is hilarious!
I had the same issue when I tried them on for the first time because I only tried on a top. I ended up getting the bike shorts that pull all of the way up to your chest- works like a charm from the bottom up 😉
I did the same approach – bottom up and a push up bra.
That is way smarter.
It works. I weigh 215 and I’m an 18/20- I shrink 2 sizes, totally not kidding.
Megan, I know this may be a weird thing to ask, but does it leave like overhang or bulge up top?
I’ve been wanting to try them but I’m afraid it would look like I’m just pushing my muffin top up, haha.
The one that I have comes up high, to right under my boobs. It works for me because the bulk of my fluffiness is in my butt, hips, and thighs, with a little bit of stomach. Definitely a struggle to get off and on. I hate when I have to pee!
Umm. Hate to say it, but you’re not supposed to wear undies under the body suits. That’s why there’s a front-to-back gap in the seat (at least in the 2x ones I wear; the panties and shorts may be different). That way, you can [drop your pants/hike your skirt], spread the gap and void without having to remove them. I know, I know. It’s kinda gross. It’s like that moment when you realized you forgot to pack a clean pair on an overnight trip, and now have to wear the same pair two days in a row. So, I just work a panty liner in there (slide one side in, then the other), and replace it each time I pee (since you have to unstick it to open the gap, and they don’t like to restick, or at least not restick to the Spanx (>.<)).
I am narrow hipped, and heavy through the middle, and I bought the one to slim the middle. It worked, I was smooth under my dress at a wedding, until I sat down and felt it start to roll……yep rolled all the way to the waist, leaving me with a big muffin top followed by a roll that wasn’t even me!!! I still wonder how many saw me as I escaped to the bathroom!!!! I stood the remainder of the night. I think I need one with suspenders!!!
Oh my gosh. I think you might just be my long lost sister. I had almost the exact same situation happen to me. As I said to the friend who sent me the link to your blog…when dealing with shapewear of this calibre, there really is going to be only one result!
I feel (literally ‘have-felt’) your pain! Too funny!!
Ahahahhaa, try a full body Spanx at 2 months postpartum for a wedding. WITH porn star milk boobs.
Bahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!! That’s hilarious!
hahahaha! I can’t imagine stuffing cantaloupes in to one of those things LOL!
at least that’s what my PP boobs looked like LOL
heeehee! I did this at 3 mos PP. I started to have a panic attack in the car ride to the wedding. I took it off, in the moving car (not driving of course). Don’t care who I flashed on the highway and with what!
Birthing myself through a spanx vagina… LOL!! I know the feeling!!!!!!!!!
That was hands down my favorite line!!
That is the best line written ever! I almost died laughing but had to squelch because I’m at work. I recently purchased the Spanx panty and after putting it in, which took about 15 minutes, I couldn’t breathe and then realized that it pushed up all the back bacon to right under my arms. No way was I going to go for that, so my vanity had to tack a back seat to comfort but not until I got them off which only took another 30 minutes!
I rarely actually laugh out loud but this totally did it for me!
Hilarious! I will never see these the same way again. Best. line. ever!
OMG. That was the funniest thing I’ve ever read. I’ve totally been there! I was 16 weeks pregnant when I got married and thought Spanx would be enough to fit my tiny baby bump into my wedding dress and went through the same. exact. thing. LOL
LMAO. I died @ “ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! I’m crowning!”
You are hilarious!!
OMG I AM CRYING!!!! FUNNIES FKN ARTICLE YET! LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! “SHOE-HORNING” YOUR BOOBS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
At least their bras are amazingly comfy 🙂
I think I will now and forever more refer to my Spanx as a Spanxvagina! Getting them off is totally like giving birth to yourself!!!
Spanx are bad for your skin. I cannot imagine the rashes people get from wearing unnatural fibers. Love your body instead.
Polyester is an “unnatural” fiber and it makes up a good portion of the clothes we wear everyday.
Speak for yourself, please.
I love my body so much that I don’t want it to ever try and get away from me (it has tried to test the boundaries on occassion, and it is never pretty). Wearing Spanxs is to my stomach what locking my teen-age daughter away until she’s thirty would be to my soul. In both scenarious, I could be relatively certain that the things that are not meant for public viewing stay out of the spot-light…and really, what is wrong with a little peace of mind.
LOL. The trick is to wear the one that goes from just under the boobs to just above the knees. I don’t wear mine daily, but it is great for special occasions and job interviews for a confidence boost 🙂
Yes! I wear the pregnancy spanx from my not really a shotgun wedding under my business suit for interviews! (things haven’t returned to their pre baby position, so the extra preggo pooch material is a must)
I tried one which eliminates bulges and bumps when wearing a body skimming knit dress. After finally wedging myself into it an coming out of the dressing room looking quite svelte, I told the attendant I’d rather not get to buy the dress if I had to wear this under-garment to look good! I was very uncomfortable, and I know it would be extremely hot in these summer temps. I thought I’d never get out of it without cutting the seams! It must be sewn together with spiderweb strength thread or it would have torn apart!
OMG, I am dying! Literally, howling with laughter. Bravo!
“It’s like I’m birthing myself through a Spanx® vagina.” Hahahaha!
Spanx vagina. Hilarious.
I am laughing so hard. At work. In an open reception area where I have absolutely no privacy. And yet I’m laughing uncontrollable because to try to stifle it would be pointless and completely undermine what we mothers stand for!
I have gotten myself into this exact same situation before. And that’s the moment you swear the AC has broken and, right before you finally get yourself out of the contraption called clothing, you wonder if the fitting room attendant will notice the garment is damp from boob sweat!
Love the hat.
EXACTLY my situation!! Zero privacy. Don’t care. Boss probably thinks I’m crazy, but I couldn’t help it. HILARIOUS!!
OMG, I love spanx and this is SO TRUE and funny! Spanx vagina!! LMFAO
This is awesome! I’ve never tried Spanx but I try on clothing too small for me on a regular basis (hoping that maybe my ribcage has shrunk back to pre-preggo size). It’s a lot easier to get on then it is to get back off.
Oh yes, the ribcage. No one told me that would take upward of 7 years.
I can imagine how you felt. I get that slightly panicy feeling when trying to get out of a sweaty sports bra or a wet bathing suit. Hate it!!! I think that my heart rate increased just reading your post.
Oh My gosh – my heart was racing with the post also. I’ve done this with clothes that were to small, and I get all panicky, sweaty, think I”m going to pass out! I felt that way reading this. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Love the spanx vagina and crowning! LMAO!!!!!!
OMG, I just peed my pants. Thank you so much for the laugh!!! I needed it today!!
LOL!! Spanx® vagina!!!!
lmfao that was hysterical!
gosh damn i think i wanna try spanx now so i can be reborn…. like jesus…. sort of….
I had the same experience trying to get a pre-childbirth sized dress off in a local dressing room. Went into panic mode with my kids standing outside the dressing room waiting for me. I now know better than to try that size on unless I have a clear escape route. 🙂
I once got stuck in a very structured shirt in a dressing room. I may or may not have cut myself out of it with the tiny pair of scissors I had in my purse.
Ahahaha!! I’ve nearly done this with bras many times!
OMG too funny! I’m going to go with you did…
I want to spanx whoever invented the dang things. In the face.
I just saw her on a show for BILLIONAIRE PHILANTHROPISTS. Yes. BILLIONAIRE. It’s 2014. She’s 42, blonde, beautiful, super nice and she was wearing white, skin tight pants with a pretty top. I’m guessing she had on the Spanx :~)
Oh so brilliant. Giggling helplessly.
“Spanx vagina”!!! I.am.dying.
“It’s like I’m birthing myself through a Spanx® vagina.”
best line ever.
LMAO!! Spanx vagina!! >< I can't stop laughing! Funniest freaking thing I've ever read. And I've been there. I'm very overweight, and it's a relief to know that even smaller ladies have these issues. Thank you for sharing. You are great!
LMFAO i can sooooo see this happening to me!
The spanx that go on from the bottom (like huge, tight, really tall granny panties) are the bomb. They cover your thighs (no meat coming out the bottom) and all the way up to the bottom of your bra. I think they have ones that are just full body too. 😉
I have totally been trapped in cloths before. I totally called in my husband for help. And, no, I have never lived it down.
This is awesome!!! “Birthing myself through a spanx vagina” I was laughing so hard my coworkers were looking at me like I’ve lost my mind
Possibly your funniest post yet! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!!!
I have had the exact same panic attack being trapped in a shirt that was too small in a dressing room. You look all around like ‘what.am.i.going.to.do?!’ It’s such a helpless feeling! Glad to know I’m not the only one. Congrats on the ‘birth high’.
I tried on my first Spanx not long ago, and told my husband its exercise equipment. If you buy one and take it on & off a few times a day you will easily lose weight. You will also feel like such a heffer you will never eat another container of Haagan Dazs. I’m glad you bought the sun hat!
*laughs until she cries* That is a VERY good point!!! I think they also undersize them so you feel even worse about eating more in a day than 6 stalks of celery 😛
“Feel like a heffer…”
I can’t take anymore! BAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
OMGoodness! You had me laughing out loud!
Oh my gosh, I had a moment like this a few months ago! A friend of mine had told me that I should try some of those one-sleeved numbers. So I found one in what I thought was my size, managed to wrangle myself into it, also felt like a sausage bursting out of the case, and tried to take it off… it got stuck on my head (with one arm in the air!) I didn’t know if I should call for my friend and her two young sons, ask a sales person for help, or continue to find (mind you the shirt is stuck in my head so its not like I’m in any way presentable.) I finally managed to “birth” myself out of it, then left the store exhausted and purchase-less!
HILARIOUS! Love the spanx vagina and CROWNING!!!!!!!!! I too find myself unable to wear those stupid little torture devices. All they do is make one look worse! Last time I tried one on, I decided to cut back on the mom night outs and opt instead for some healthier recipes. http://www.capecodmommies.com/1/post/2011/09/five-tips-to-skinny-up-your-fall-cocktails.html
LOL!!!! I haven’t criet like that from laughter in a long time!!!
This is awesome. There was once that I had this exact problem in the dressing room. My sister had my phone and was out walking the mall while I tried on this amazingly cute dress. Once my sister came back and saw my hair after I got out of it, I had to embarrassingly explain what happened. She will never let me forget about it.
This is the BEST! I’m LMAO! Spanx vagina!
BAHAHAHA! Sooooo funny, even if I did almost wake my son up from laughing too loudly!
OMG. I have so been there. It should be it’s own phobia- all alone, trapped in spandex, locked in a small room, surrounded by people who will laugh at you.
LOL, yes! This ^
Fear of clothing is vestiphobia, fear of small things is mycrophobia. How about mycrovestiphobia??
Or add in the fear of being strangled by ridiculously small clothing to produce mycrovestipnigophobia?
Lol! Good one!
That was hilarious. I haven’t tried on spanx in particular, but this has happened to me on numerous occasions. Especially when I *think* I can fit into a smaller size…
This is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. EVER.
I tried on some kinda magical spanx-ey bathing suit once and when I had to sit down half-way through trying to stuff myself IN it, I thought, no, this is not the one for me!
OMG, I’m dying laughing over here! Spanx Vagina and crowning! I’ve so been there and in dressing rooms too!
Dear Lord, this is hysterical because something similar happened to me! I bought a tank like this called “the workout shirt. It is supposed to make you look so awesome that everyone will be fooled into thinking you hit the gum instead of the donut shop. I was eager to wear it to work that day so I decided to slip it on in the car. I did one of those moves you did in sixth grade gym so no one could see me expose bra on public. Tragedy struck when I could not get the tank over my breasts. My shirt was stuffed underneath it and the thing had me in a vice grip! After struggling and lots of praying I finally shimmied into it and was able to get to work. That night my husband had to cut me out of that shirt!!
OMG I’m laughing so hard imagining your boobs hanging out between garments and you frantically looking around praying you didn’t have an audience!!!!
Not to in ANY way steal your thunder, but I read this article written about Spanx & it was so funny I had to bookmark it. I know you will appreciate it – she is so honest! http://destinydelarosa.wordpress.com/2010/08/27/masochism-101-the-art-of-spanxing/
Thanks for the laughter you bring to my day!
The spanx cobra line is great. Soooo funny.
I just laughed so hard I’m crying!!! I once wore the whole original Spanx unitard thingy to work. The one that started at your knees and attached with straps to your bra. Well, about lunch time I had to go use the potty. Yes, there is a whole in the crotch that I suppose we’re meant to pee out of, or maybe just “breathe” I have no idea, but I know unless I have “something” to pull out of that hole, my pee is not going to shoot through the thing, but will instead leave me soaked and smelling of urine. So, I take the Spanx off. Not TOO bad, but it was hot in that bathroom, and by the time I’d unhooked all four straps from my bra, I was working up quite a sweat. The whole thing rolled up on me like a wet bathing suit. So, after doing my business I try to pull the thing back up. It was much easier to slide into in that morning when it wasn’t so hot and sweaty. So, while in the school office restroom, that’s so small I have to back into it, on awards day all dressed up, hair perfect, you get the picture, I’m struggling to get this thing back over my love handles. I end up hitting my head on the toilet paper dispenser and pulling a muscle in my shoulder. Finally, I give up, pull the darned thing off and stuff it in the garbage. I go to the lounge drenched in sweat, hair a mess, flushed face, with all my curves exposed through the fabric of my dress for the world to see I’m an average woman. Those things are NOT really meant to help out the pudgy. They’re meant to make the skinny look skinnier. I’d like to add that at the time I was a size 10 and wearing the XL Spanx!
My mom and I rushing to the bathroom to pee we’re laughing so hard. Brilliant.
That’s my experience too! I can get them on, but forget about going to the bathroom…it’s not happening. There’s no way those things are going to come back up once they’re off.
You nailed it. Between the tale that started this whole discussion and your story in the school restroom I saw myself. I was thinking about buying some spankx for a special event I will be going to. Not wanting to be “the special event” I believe I shall pass. I would be a little afraid of having a heart attack with all the struggling, forget it, so everyone will know I “put on a few pounds” rather than do CPR on me. Ty so much.
Sitting in might too small jeans (vowing to diet, cursing the pill for helping me gain 10lbs), three children otherwise occupied and laughing with tears.
Great post. Thank you for the giggle.
I tried spanx on – once. I didn’t get it all the way on. It is nothing but a torture device. TORTURE. Why do women want to torture themselves? Somebody should discuss this with the Pioneer Woman.
This is such a great post, possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read by you!
that was me last month… nine months pregnant trying to pull a wet one piece bathing suit over my very large belly in a public pool bathroom stall. it took me 15 minutes. i totally paniced that i would have to walk out naked and crying while my husband and kids watched in horror. my advice… don’t ever buy a one piece maternity suit.
LOL, I can imagine! (And walk out naked and crying cracked me up, I’d have totally imagined the same thing.)
“It’s like I’m birthing myself through a Spanx® vagina. ” – wow – genial! (almost typed in “genital” which alone shows how genial this genital sentence is!)
I think you can successfully say you’ve coined the term “Spanx vagina”. Thank you so, so much.
I tricked many a person into thinking I was actually slim after having a baby due to spanx. They are a wonderful thing, and to claim anything otherwise is blasphemy.
I seriously loved the censored drawing! I love your posts! Always make me have a laughing fit when I read them. At work. 🙂
“It’s like I’m birthing myself through a Spanx® vagina. ”
This is especially funny because I have soooooo been there, but I have never written a blog about it, I kept it as my secret shame!
OMG! I haven’t laughed that hard at work in so long! Awesome post!
OMG,this was hilarious!! Last week I found myself actually out at a store sans children and decided to look at bathing suits. I had no idea one I had picked was by Spanx until I attempted to get it on… not to mention OFF. Oh I can so relate to that feeling of spanx-induced panic!
I admit I own spanx, got it for a wedding and this is so hilariously true and accurate, I have so been there!
OK, I’m thin (not the sickly kind, the fit kind, the kind that I had to work for) and “I” will not wear this because the little fat that I have is stuffed out the bottom. Thanks for the laughs. This was hilarious 😀
Echoing others about the ones that go bottoms up to under your ribcage, way easier to deal with! This is my favorite blog post on the internet, ever!
Well that pretty much sold me on never trying Spanx. I’ve had close calls with tight clothing before, get panicky just sitting here thinking about it!
Me too!!! Pass me a drink. And some chocolate.
I was dying with laughter – and here I thought I was the only one to get stuck in one. I truly understand the panic and hot flashes that descend upon you when you can’t get out of the trap, I mean Spanx. I also was trying to get out of it because it had the same effect as you mentioned – NOT PRETTY.
I LOVE Spanx! This being said, yes, I still have moments of spanx vagina panic every time I wear them!
I love it! I had a similar experience. It was after my son was born and I was a bridesmaid in my dear friends wedding. Two weeks post c-section I headed to Nordstrom. Luckily I took my mom. I squeezed myself in and was in immediate pain. So much so that I couldn’t even attempt to remove them. I was laughing and crying all at the same time. My mom was trying to help, but she was laughing so hard she was pretty much useless. After about 15 minutes we were able to peel the damn things off. Glad I am not alone.
LOL!!!!! I’m dying laughing with tears! I can relate to this and absolutely have had that trapped feeling with clothes before, I hate that!
So funny! I loved this post and needed a laugh this morning. These just might be your best drawings yet! By they way, I have Spanx, but only the bottoms…they are much easier to get off! 🙂
I thought it was just me! Same thing happened to me last year at Macy’s! LOL
Oh the humanity!!!! Yes, the Spanx panty is perfect if you want to see what your muffin-top would look like hoisted up to 4″ below your breasts. Not cute.
I got stuck in a dress once – much the same story, only it was a broken/stuck zipper. I couldn’t get out and had to call the sales lady … luckily this was Macy’s and she was a woman of about 75. She called me dear and chuckled as she cut the zipper out of the dress. Thankfully it was a wardrobe malfunction and NOT a stuck body part, as she likely would have given me diet instructions or told me how lucky I was to be “ample breasted” (oh yeah, she told me that a few times, never mind).
Anyway, awesome! Glad I’m not the only one who gets stuck in clothes – and yeah, every other time I have been able to get my ample breasted self out of the jam on my own.
OMG….I feel your pain! I bought a similar item…..took it out of the package, slipped it over my head and was stuck. There I am standing in the bathroom, in my panties….trapped! I started to sweat….what am I going to do? Calling hubby upstairs to cut me out of it was out of the guestion…….oh the laughter! Finally struggled out of it, threw it in the bathroon garbage.
Next day took it and the packaging out of the garbage, to take back to the store…….only to read…….. INSTRUCTIONS : “ALWAYS STEP INTO YOUR SHAPEWEAR!”
This is hands down one of the funniest posts I have ever read. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Oh, man…and here I thought that bra shopping was traumatic…
I join the people who voted for “birthing myself through a Spanx vagina” as the best line ever. Also, the pictures were fantastic – you outdid yourself. Sometimes trauma really brings out the artist in us.
I’ve had this very same thing happen, only in a dress. That moment when you can’t breathe and are sure you’re going to die (or at least pass out and they won’t find your body until it’s store closing time) it awful! Let’s just say I’ve popped a few stitches holding clothes together in order to get out out of a dress.
So, I have one of these things: http://www.rago-shapewear.com/catalog/product.php?productid=16158&cat=260&page=1 It’s a girdle, like old ladies wear. It’s easy to get on and off, because it uses hook and eye closures down the front. I look uh-MAZ-ing in it. I actually wrote about it on my blog, and you know? They’re not even paying me. I would totally accept payment in freebies. Or cupcakes. Anyway, you get those movie star results without all the spandex-birth-canal bullshit.
I will never put on Spanx again without thinking about “birthing myself through a Spanx vagina.”
LOL, I have the one that goes from upper thighs to up under the boobs. I remember thinking they looked like something my infant would be able to fit into. I struggled for 20 minutes just to get it on and hated the result (made my fat just look rounder). I had to take breaks trying to get it off and pulled so many muscles!
My mom tried mine on because she had always wanted one and I heard the dreaded, “OH SHIT” from her closet because she couldn’t figure out how to get it off either haha.
So hilarious I nearly peed my pants and choked on my lunch at the same time! And now I know not to try on Spanx without backup!!
I love me some spanx and man oh man did I laugh at this post! I think I just got an ab workout from laughing!
LOL Spanx vagina!!!!! I want to go rebirth myself soon but I’ll bring a buddy just in case I get stuck.
Funniest post I’ve ever read. 🙂 Thanks for making my day at work!
I feel your pain, I once got stuck in a dress in Nordstrom and thought I would die in there. This was so funny!
Spanx are straight from the Devil himself! AARGHHHH!
I nearly spit out my coffee on my keyboard reading this!
This was an AWESOME post, Amber!!! I’m laughing so hard, my kids are like “what is wrong with you, Mama??”
I was thinking the pictures are EVEN BETTER than usual, too — I agree it must be trauma-inspired creativity!!!
Admittedly, I was a little disappointed you CENSORED the boob pic — I was looking forward to the boobs askew shot. Maybe you could write us a post about JUST.BOOBS. and how different they are post-pregnancy and BF!!??!!
Silly girl. You have to take them on and off feet first. Yes, even the tops. Works like a charm. In other news…how is that dislocated shoulder of yours?
This is HYSTERICAL!!!!
Who would have thunk my Spanx would be the thing that put me in the same sentence as Scary Mommy and the Pioneer Woman and Adele?
Oh, and here’s something to think about: What’s the little hole between the legs of the lower-body Spanx for? Allison from Motherhood, WTF? and I had a whole Facebook conversation on my page about it. We don’t think it’s for peeing.
(Thanks for the shout out!)
That was freaking hilarious! Love the drawings of you trying to wriggle out of the Spanx. And the “censored” square. Too funny!!
This is the most hilarious one yet.
I am glad I’m not the only one who’s gotten stuck in clothing before as a grown adult. And pulled a muscle trying to get out of it.
I am holding you personally responsible for my child not being asleep. She was just drifting off when I started reading this – bad move. My giggling may have woken her…..
This happened to me when I was wedding dress shopping. I thought they were going to have to cut me out of the dress and I was going to owe them a heck of a lot of money. To this day, I don’t know how I got out.
My husband decided to try man-spanx after seeing it on the morning show once, a few years ago. He had a similar panic-inducing experience…fortunately I was there, and I helped him, and didn’t even laugh…because you know, I’ve tried them on too. The only spanx I found tolerable were their tights, and that’s because they’re so heavy duty it’s hard for met to immediately put a hole in them like I do most hosiery.
LOL! I had this happen in college. I got stuck with the piece wrapped around my uplifted arms and head (similar to your censored pic). My college roommate was with me at the time and offer to crawl under the door to help, but I was totally exposed and mortified. I did finally get the darn thing off on my own. :-/ Never again!
Oh my goodness I almost wet myself from laughing too hard. A Spanx vagina!
Yep,another mother who is so siked she’s not the only one,lol ! My dreaded clothing item is a dress without a zipper in a fabric w/o stretch !!! Post first baby ,invited to a wedding,still quite chubby as I gained 60 lbs w/ both,lol,tried on this little floral number,went on fine,soon found out taking it off was another story !!! Struggled to the point that yes I pulled a muscle,but also after the fact had bruises down my side from it. So embarrassed of course that I went it alone,and as another lady wrote,may or may not of had to rip the seam under the arm and put it back on the rack,not a proud moment !!!! So here I am sweaty,sore and spent and still no dress…. Good for a few laughs now at least !!!
HAHA! this was great… does anyone else see the irony of all the anxiety over someone knowing about her crappy predicament and then posting it on the interwebs for the world to see? 😀
And that’s why we love Amber!
Congratulations on not calling 911. My husband is a paramedic and has been called out for a constipated baby, a q-tip stuck in an ear, a broken nail, and a sick mannequin named Bambie. Stuck in spanx would have fit right in.
I had exactly the same problem with a sports tank top I bought. It took me about 25 minutes to get it off and pulled muscles I didn’t know I had.
THANKS for your post!! “Shoe horn my breasts”, “meat filling squeezing out of the bottom”, too many hilarious quotes to mention them all!!!
I, too, have tried Spanx in the past, and own the granny panty, knees to ribcage, variety. If I DO manage to get it on and in place up under my boobs with no serious side-effects, the darn thing rolls starts to roll back down after an hour. How to roll it back up discreetly?? And why does it make my thighs look great but my knees gain 5 lbs?
I’m still chuckling!!
I always read your blog and love it. I think you are hilarious, but today was first time I actually couldn’t contain myself and started laughing out loud at work. Thanks for the laughs!
Thank you for sharing your personal humiliation with the world. I desperately needed that laugh today! If I were brave enough to try on spanx, I would be right there with you. I say, let the meat go where it may. No sausage casing needed!
OMG I think I’ve been in almost that exact situation! This was a terrific read. Congratulations on your liberation.
“It’s like I’m birthing myself through a Spanx® vagina.” I about died laughing at this point. I have heard of similar experiences with shape wear; none described as marvelously as your tale!
My experience with shape wear involves it rolling up over my less-shapely-than-desired areas about 5 minutes into walking out of the house….of course while turning around in front of the mirror and parading through my house in it, it fits just fine. Perhaps I am wearing it wrong, or purchased faulty generic not-as-good-as-the-ones-I-cannot-afford shape wear. Either way, I decided to be happy (or at least not complain about …aloud as often as I would like) my shape 🙂
Just. *SNORTED.* at my desk.
Definitely UN-vintage-movie-star-lounging-next-to-kidney-shaped pool fabulous of me.
But so, so, awesome of you! Don’t know what is better, the drawings, your descriptions, or knowing you got to experience post-labor bliss you experienced leaving in your amazing red hat!
Thanks for making my day a whole lot better!!
Ahahahahha, birthing yourself through a Spanx vagina! And post labour hat bliss. I’m so glad you bought the hat. Bless you 🙂
OMG! LOVE IT!!!
I have just recently discovered the awesomeness that is your blog and can’t get enough of it! I’ve been going through archives and laughing uncontrollably at work. This one, however, takes the cake!!! Thanx for sharing – you have made my day!
I so know this feeling! I am a rather busty girl and every attempt to wrangle myself with shapewear ends with pain, tears, and feeling worse about my figure. You’d think I’d have learned the first time. Lol.
“Spanx® vagina” made me cry laughing. I have a Spanx brand swimsuit. I got it on clearance at target and now I know why. I have to have my husband help me get it on, and taking off the swimsuit once its wet is nearly impossible.
Apparently I’m the only one who’s never even heard of Spanx, but this is why corsets have laces! If you’re going to go to this much trouble for the coveted hourglass figure, you may as well go all out with the pirate chic look. Or goth chic. Or neo-Victorian chic. Either way, much more fun than a tube of lycra, and you get the push-up bra effect as a bonus extra. (Admittedly I have never really tried this in a hot climate, but it can’t be any worse than a lycra tube).
Oh god. That was hilarious! Thanks for the streaked mascara. Spanx vagina… I’m going to be laughing for hours.
This is maybe your best entry yet and this blog is seriously one of the best things in my life. “Likes”.
HAHAHAHAHA! It’s so funny because it’s true! (Sadly, this has totally happened to me too.)
LOL, this is so good. Me no wear. Me embrace post-baby body. Why not?
Haha I love your blog, that is such a funny post. I hate those moments where you are taking something off over your head and it gets stuck and you feel like you will be there for ever!
this might be my favorite post ever.
Oh – my – WORD! I love your blog, but have never felt the need to comment before. This was, hands down, the funniest thing I have ever read in my life!! Spanx vagina, crowing, the censored drawing. . . love it!!
That was the best laugh I’ve had in a long time, thank you! This post is absolutely hilarious!!
“It’s like I’m birthing myself through a Spanx® vagina.” I’ve read a lot of your blog, and never commented before. But that line made me nearly wet myself. I was at the store yesterday, trying on some nursing bras (I’m 2.5 weeks away from my first baby’s due date). Anything that had to go over the head was a big NO WAY. Getting it on was one thing, hoisting the boobs and whatnot, but getting them off was something else all together! Glad I’m not the only one that has meltdowns in the dressing room!
You are so freakin funny!! I’ve totally had this panic after squeezing myself into a too small sports bra.
This EXACT same thing happened to me, with a swimming suit. It was awful!!!! I was laughing so hard reading your post. I actually took a picture of myself trapped in the thing and sent it to my sister… It was so pathetic.
I love how you censored your boobs!!! LOL. This happened to me when I did a bridal shoot for someone…. I wound up sleeping in the dang thing I was so frustrated.
This sounds SOOOOOO similar to my own experience, except mine involved two pieces of the torturous mess and a horrified little girl. I posted it on facebook a few years ago. Here’s the link if you want to read it.
Oh, thank you for sharing that. Hysterical.
It’s nice not to feel alone. See my story below.
i have so been there. same thought processes too. “i’ll have to call for help! no, i can’t call for help. oh my god, i’m going to die here! heeelp! no, calm down. you just have to get it off. but i can’t get it off!! i need to get it off. i’ll cut it off. i can’t afford to cut it off! i need help! no, i can’t ask for help! waaaa!”
I’m so sorry for your pain, but thankful for your post! Bottom-up spanx are totally the way to go. I use the ones that go from the knees to my bra band. Make sure you get the “higher power” ones or they end at your waist – seriously – who needs something that sucks you in and ends at your waist! Isn’t that intentional muffin-top? Ugh!
LOVE this, so true, have done exactly the same thing, more than once. And every time, while trying to pull a too-tight top over my head, as I yank and arch my back and everything else, it seems necessary to bend and straighten my knees. Like it might help!!
I had a similar experience with a workout tank top that is super tight and sucks everything in. By the time I was done, I was sweaty and it was completely stuck! I wiggled enough to squeeze out of it, but damn.
That is awesome! I almost peed myself laughing at work. I’ve had this happen, and removing myself involved lots of jiggling and hopping! Great post!
Funny afterwards, terrifying during. I did it. Was like trying to put a pig in a balloon, from the inside. I was sweating the entire time. I would just rather wear a hat.
You are so funny!
This gave me SUCH a good laugh. First of all, the few times I’ve tried those things on, I can’t even get them on, making me feel too fat to use such a product. I usually wear a medium, maybe a large when pregnant or after kids, so what is wrong with me when I can’t squeeze into a large or xl? Who is this product meant for? I guess skinny people wont have the sausage problem wearing them. Secondly, I recently had a baby…so I relate very much to the post labor bliss you must have been feeling. Hilarious!
My face is LITERALLY wet with tears. My children are thinking I have gone mental with my hysterical yet stifled laughter. I seriously thought the title alone was funny enough… but the story itself? Simply Amazing. You have outdone yourself with this one. Oh man, that is too too much.
** Last year I tried my jr. prom dress on to see if I could wear it (I’m now 42). I got stuck in it and had it halfway taken off over my head with my arms stuck straight up in the air. I was home alone and seriously thought I would not be able to get out. With my arms up in the air I couldn’t reach for or even use scissors! Panic set in and I had to talk myself down until I could finally and calmly remove it.
Funniest blog post ever! I laughed out loud! Love this!!!!
That is why the other women you mentioned wear them! They are always wearing them- they can’t get them off! 😀
LMAO! I almost peed my pants at work laughing. At least 3 people turned to look at me in my cubical with tears running down my face. “spankx vagina” is the best line ever!
I think this one should win a big prize or something…like an emmy or golden globe!
I totally want spankx and will now go with the body suit kind. LOL
Omg you should have a warning on your site. WARNING: you may burst your gut reading this. Have a phone within reach to call 911 or make sure someone is nearby that can call a paramedic in case of emergency. I’m am on the floor bleeding and still laughing…. Ow it hurts so much when I laugh…
Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had in a while. I almost spit up my drink.
Laughed myself to tears over this one Amber!! You’re too awesome 🙂
I was rolling on the floor with this! One of my favorites ever! I’ve been there!
You forgot Kim Kardashian, she wears them too! lol
Been there, done that. If I manage to wear one on top, it’s a rescue mission to get me out of it afterward.
Tears. streaming. can’t breath.
In a prespanx world I tried on a spanxesque slip and got trapped trying to get it off. It was on my head, my arms stuck by my ears, hands flailing out the top. Could. Not. Get. Out. After several sweaty, panicky minutes I managed to fumble my cell phone out of my purse and call my mom, who was at the front of the store, to come back and wrestle me out. It was a breech birth.
Now, this could be considered for inclusion as an Olympic Event.
Speed Spanx Removal.
A timed sport, with extra marks given for artistic impression and panic surpression.
OMG…THAT I would definitely tune in for!
THIS IS HYSTERICAL!!! I laughed so hard I cried!
I tried on a similar pair and to make a long story short I hurt my back so bad that I thought I was paralyzed! The things we do for beauty…LOL!
I wore one once, to a wedding. After 5 gin & tonics I had to of course pee. After I came out to continue my drunken dancing, my friend almost fell on the floor laughing. The spank was hanging out of my waist/skirt. Hillarious. It’s like wearing a suit of armor!
Thanks for the afternoon laugh.
Haha this is your best one yet 😀 I know well the feeling of thinking I would be wearing spanx for the rest of my life. Therefore I don’t own any 😛
“It’s like I’m birthing myself through a Spanx® vagina.”
I just about pissed myself.
seriously. I made my husband listen while I read it to him… I couldn’t even get this line out I was laughing so hard!
Too freaking funny! Thanks, I really needed that. And I love your censored drawing at the end.
So thankful I am reading this at home and not the office….laughing out loud with tears glistening in my eyes. I have soooo been there…in a small space too, where you can barely contort your body without hitting the door and walls when trying to get something off. I wonder if any guys have had this problem.
I laughed so hard my sides are hurting and my eyes are leaking. I actually had a similar (but not this hysterical) experience one time with an athletic bra. Thanks for the laugh!
Thanks for the heads up. Born again?
You can only use the WHOLE dress looking Spanx. Or the one with the legs like a 1920’s swimsuit…ALWAYS.
poor thing, you didn’t get the memo??
Absolutely hilarious. That is one of the most helpless feelings in the world though! It’s happened to me with the dresses that zip up the side (almost all the way, why do they have that 1 inch piece of fabric?!?!) and you finally get the zipper up and then it’s IMPOSSIBLE to unzip it. And it’s not going over your head because, hello, that’s what the side zipper was for in the first place.
The only thing you forgot was on the final removal photo, you forgot to cover the little black item with your deoderant. All of it. Just keepin’ it real.
OMG I have tears in my eyes from the Spanx vagina line. And the only reason its so funny is because it’s so true. STOP IT. I can’t laugh about this right now. I’m at work. And if I let these giant chuckles out, people will want to know what I’m laughing about. And by people, I mean my DAD because I work for HIM. This cannot happen. No more talk of Spanx vaginas! AT LEAST wait until I get home!
OMG! I always laugh at your posts, but this one had me laughing so hard I’m sure the whole building heard. There are tears STREAMING down my face. “I’m crowning!”
Amazing post, this made my day!
thanks to spanx once again you’ve reduce me to laughing so hard my head is hurting. Good thing I’m alone today.
Am I missing something? We used to call the bottom ones girdles. Now they call it Spanx, charge twice as much and pretend that they’ve invented something new.
This has totally happened to me with a too-small cotton dress. I have learned to listen to that little voice whispering, “You know, if it’s something of a struggle to get it on, it’s going to be hell to get it off.” I was cursing that voice while I was stuck in the dress, arms over my head, dress bunched up around my ribcage, sweating in the dressing room. Never. Again. Or at least, not this year.
I once tried on a dress at H&M and got stuck. (darn scandanavians with no hips. After a 15 min tustle with the dress I got it off, bit my pride has never recovered.
Thank you drone saving me from another horrifying dresscipade.
Oh. God. THAT was the funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time. “I’M CROWING!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
oh Momma!! LMAO! So feel your pain on this!! Once I was asked to be on an honor guard for a very special militarty function. Not only as a part , but the Commander of the HG. OH YAY! But I was 2 months PP with second child. I knew I was gonna need to wear the body suit spandex. So I “sqeeeezzzeedd”, sucked,tucked and praed myself into it. Then I tried on my dress uniform. Hmm, not bad but crap! Couldn’t fasten the bottoms with the shirt tucked in to make a clean line and no bulge. So, I figured I would wear the panty with it. Tugged, drill-sargent voiced myself into that also, then redressed. Yes! I looked rockin good! I go out to the car, and take off, it’s an hour, 15 minute drive. I was hot, sweating, barely able to breathe. You can not sit down and drive in this stuff! Especially 2 layers! ( I left my jacket off for the drive cause it is restrictive and I am so short). I was litterally able to rest my chin on my boobs. Which even after 2 kids and being PP, I was barely hitting a C cup. So sad. Anyway, We rocked the event. My CG looked awesome and even got some cool new coins. Then 4 months after that, it was Military ball time for my husband’s unit. Oh here we go again!! Rocking dress, 2 layers, 6 months PP, and trying not to pass out during the long boring speeches and honors. I knew too many people there!
Funniest post I’ve ever read. I thought I was going to dislocate my shoulder when it happened to me. I will never forget that panic…. Neither will you!
I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying! Right there with you girl! Rock that sun hat!!!
I just snorted from laughing so hard. I’ve totally had this exact experience (including all the thoughts as to my options). Oy [head slap].
Been there, but with a sports bra.
LOLOLOL!!!! You ARE awesome. “It’s like I’m birthing myself through a Spanx® vagina.” Yes. so funny…
Bahahahahaha, this exact thing happened to me (I can only laugh now, at the time… horrendous). Except mine was in a Nancy Ganz swimsuit that I bought in an effort to hide my post baby body from a much skinnier friend who had invited me swimming. I got it trapped over my head and was trying not to grunt with the effort so the other changing cubicles didn’t wonder what the hell I was up to. Never. Again.
Husband asked me what was tickling me. Been there! Not in Spanx (not even sure we have it in UK) but a boned black basque, in Marks & Spencers. No idea what I was thinking. Panic! I was pinioned by it. One boob in and one out, one arm stuck straight up & previously undiscovered fat rolls being the only thing escaping from it. Then someone walked in thinking the changing room was empty. Nooooooooo!
They sell them at Rigby and Peller… which makes me wonder (since they have the royal warrant) if HM is ever tempted to try them out!
Loved this!!! And it’s the SECOND TIME I’ve read something so scary on the subject (http://www.mamamia.com.au/style/shapewear-tried-to-kill-me/). Needless to say, I won’t be trying it. My secret? Fitness, four hours a week. I know it’s hard for most people with small kids. I do it when mine are at preschool. It’s keeping me out of shapewear, for now…
This is a post for Book #2 – as we all KNOW that Book #1 is going to be a Best Seller Top 10 pick!
I wore a pair of Spanx bottoms to a Christmas party once, could barely breathe, sweated to death and there was NO WAY I was even trying out the buffet with my stomach compressed such as it was. I clawed my way out of it the minute hubby and I were in the car…which then left me bare… down there…my hubby thought that was the best Christmas Party present EVER! haha!! But ABSLOLUTELY.NEVER.AGAIN!! I was SO uncomfortable in those things!
No-one’s brought up my personal Spanx “moment” of pain – the realisation, five minutes after dressing for a black tie event and going out thinking I looked fabulous, that the tights I was wearing were heading southbound at speed.
From personal experience, ladies, always put the tights on first and hold ’em up with your Spanx. Just sayin’.
Oh my goodness! Can’t stop laughing. I have one of the high topped pant, thigh covering things. I wore it maybe twice after Noah was born and I couldn’t breathe in it. It actually made me self conscious the entire time. I think it did make me look a little thinner and hid the muffin top, but I felt fatter. I would rather feel thinner and look fatter than vice versa…..
Thank you, thank you, thank you. One of the funniest things I have read in ages.
Funniest story I have read in eons!
I AM CRYING, I’m laughing so hard! I have the bottoms, but I’ve never tried the top. And now I won’t, ever. Promise.
O my word! LOL! Haha meat filling pushing out bottom… I pee’d a lil! Haha and yes if you need a little help I agree bottoms up to bra. Plus, I am a Size 12 but I buy my spanx like bottoms as big as I can like 2x… Otherwise I get a… Halo effect under my bra… Not good look to have extra boobs all the way around. I just like a smoother belly not to change bodies.
I have to stop reading your blog in public! I laughed so hard I cried while staring at my phone and now all of the karate moms are staring at me. 🙂
This has happened to me. I removed the tag and wore it out. It wasn’t a tank, though, it was one of the body suits, and I couldn’t get it back over my booty. 🙁
Haha! THIS is exactly why I won’t try on Spanx, EVER.
Hilarious! My favorite part was “I’m crowning!” Glad you got out!
Had to put my hand over my mouth at work to keep from LOL. Bahaha!
I personally love the spanx for your hips and tummy. Thanks to having a belly the size of a beachball, things are never going to be flat. I’ll need a tummy tuck.
I just had the best laugh of the last 6 years. Jesus thank you for writing this. I am in tears.
This happened to me once. I was with a friend trying on prom dresses. Make no mind that I am 34 years old…we thought it would be fun. I got stuck so bad…there was no way I could get out of the dress but calling in my friend OR someone from the store was going to be ridiculous. How was I going to explain why I was trying on the same size prom dress I wore 15 years ago….I had to take several deep breaths and let out a few tears, but 30 minutes in, I got that bad boy off. I have never been so grateful to be naked.
Been there…done that and I feel your pain! I have some pants and they work pretty well. Won’t try the tank tops again!
ROFLMFAO!!! Oh my god that was the most hilarious post to date Amber. So glad you were able to “birth” yourself and not have to call for help.
This, along with the comments, was so freaking hilarious that I’ve managed to forget being “morning” sick for the last ten minutes. I owe you all a huge debt of gratitude!
(My children also want to know why I was crying from laughing… walking out fabulous with the hat is the best ending ever!)
OMg this is so awesome. My mom called me in a panic about 3 months ago and wanted me to rush home. I thought she needed me to take her to the hospital. I was freaking out. Then she told me she tried on a shirt and couldn’t get it off. I was cracking up the entire way home. I almost peed myself when I came home and helped her take it off. Hahahaha oh this post is so funny!!
Ok… In the same vein… Laughing so hard I am peeing!!
I’m ghetto as fuck. My “problem area” is my lower body, but mostly all I care about is not having a visible underwear line (often called VPL, but I have a weird, illogical hatred for the word “panty” *shutter*). I buy control-top pantyhose and cut the legs off at the knee to control any unwanted jiggles or lines under clingy fabrics. Way cheaper than spanx!
You are not the only one with a hatred for the “p” word! The mere mention of the word makes me shudder too! Blech…
WARNING : do not read Crappy Bloc while putting the baby to sleep!
This is by far your funniest post! Hahahaha oh, I’m still laughing so hard. Thanks!
Literally laughed so hard reading this that I cried … and I needed that, so thank you!
I’ve had this very same moment with a tankini top I couldn’t get off. Felt like I was going to have a panic attack trying to get the damn thing off in the dressing room.
OMG the crowning part.. I think I wet myself a little.
I cannot stop laughing.
Birthing myself through a Spanx vagina. Hilarious!!! Thanks
As a gynecologist, DEFINITELY my fave line!
nearly died laughing. And everytime I calmed down a little, I’d see a new cartoon and it would set me off again. Thank you.
Can’t wait for your book.
This post contains perhaps one of the most hilarious lines ever.
You know which one it is.
Funniest thing I’ve read in a while! I have done the Spanx panic before in a Target dressing room!
You’ve frightened me away from Spanx! Hilarious.
In college I tried on a wool sailor’s top in an old vintage store (shopping alone. Doh!) and got stuck. Really stuck. And I even have double-jointed arms! And the only person for miles around was this older man running the till downstairs. Had to pull a few muscles to get out of that one.
Thanks for the laugh!
hilarious!! My belly was really a-shaking reading this (I’m 9 months pregnant) and really needed to read this being on the verge of having a post-partum body again. Thanks for a genuine belly laugh!!
omg i’m dying. DYING. absolutely hysterical.
I’ve read a LOT of funny posts on this blog, but my shirt is wet from the tears of laughter and my stomach is all cramped up. Just tried Spanx on this week, though, so probably just hits close to home 🙂 I on the other hand – loved them, but I tried the ones that are tummy shaping underwear – better leverage for taking them off for sure. This post reminds me more of trying to get my wet bathing suit top off over my head. Thanks for the belly laughter!!!! We all feel you pain (and shortness of breath at trying to put those things off and on).
“Spanx Vagina”, I seriously just spit out my Diet Coke!! I too have felt the Spanx panic! Funniest post ever:)
ha ha, you had your very own Ross from friends in leather pants moment!!!!!! 🙂 One of your very best yet thanks for the laugh!!!!!!
Oh god! I had that happene to me with the reebok retone line clothes! I wanted to treat myself to some awsomness for my birthday last year, walked into the store confident, only to forget I was a westerner living in India where all international clothing tend to come in Asian size, the XL top didn’t fit, insulting me in the process (how can I not even fit in a XL top????) I tried to yank it down, managed to do so and could barely breathe. Then like you I got stuck into it, all alone, with DH out of town, the staff in the store being male only, and my daughter in the trial rom with me screaming. Getting out of that lycra nightmare felt like a workout in itself, never again I walked out of the store feelign humiliated and fat…nothing that a chocolate cake at the coffee shop could not fix 🙂
O.M.G. that is the most hilarious thing I’ve ever read and that’s saying a lot because ALL your posts are funny. I especially like the picture of you struggling to take it off. Reminds me of the time I tried to take off my sports bra (which was in my pre-pregnancy size) postpartum.
Get the undies kind. They are amazing and EASY to get on and off. Oh, and no “fat spillage” lol
Had this happen with a sports bra, as my son was sitting in his stroller….watching. After congregating with the sales girls and the manager, i paid for it, wore it home and had to have the husband help me peel it off, then returned it. Obviously i wasn’t keeping something that was essentially a permanent sports bra!
Yikes, why do they make things so tight that you can get on but barely get off? Ugh…total humiliation!!
I have a bathing suit like this. I don’t go swimming much.
I lovelovelove my full body one! That’s the trick I think, you need to get the “dress” ones, so that they just push everything inwards instead of just down to your bum! Oh and I wear mine under my bra, like as an extra bit of bone in my bra, so I think all the fat just get pushed there and makes them even bigger! <3
I totally LOL’ed! So fabulous! Thank you for lightning up my day with a good laugh!
So funny! One of my favorites yet! Did anyone pick up on the “epidural hematoma” instead of subdermal hematoma? So clever!
Yes, that was clever. I’ve only ever looked at these things. Maybe it would be easier to actually eat less and exercise? Hah! Hah! Just joking.
Although, I’m not sure why you needed to censor one of the pictures – since your children don’t have nipples, surely you don’t either? Or did they inherit their nipplelessness from their dad?
You are truly fabulous!
Glad I’m not the only one!
This has been your funniest post yet! Hilarious! Its funny also because I kept thinking this was some sort of “crappy give away” waiting for the part where you pitch the product, which of course did not happen! And I love how dignified you look after all that, as your walk out of the store with your glamorous red sun hat!
I posted this on my Facebook fan page with a Death-by-hilarity warning. Best post of the week. Hands down.
I think I love you.
Oh, thank you so much for the laugh!!!!!!!!
Oh my God. The same thing happened to me with one of those dresses that have the white shirt as a top & is attached to a pencil skirt at the bottom. The only difference is that after my panic attack I called the sales girl because the only way out I could see involved ripping the seams. I was more relieved than embarrassed, but I didn’t have anyone with me at the time. I was also at a mall far, far away from my house so I never have to worry about seeing that young sales girl again. Thank God!
I laughed so hard I cried. I defintely wasn’t laughing at you though as I have experienced the exact same thing. Love your blog!
YES! I feel (have felt) your pain!
O.M.G. Can’t stop laughing.
I just had to shut my office door because I couldn’t contain my laughter. Thank goodness my office mate wasn’t here today!
Oh my gosh I feel you. I got stuck in a bridesmaid dress this past January. When I got it altered I had asked them to make it a bit tight because 1) I was on my period, 2) I had gained a couple pounds and I figured it would keep me honest. But I forgot that that was my summer weight. When I tried it on again, 16 days before the wedding, I could not get it to zip.
Of course I strong-armed the zipper up and then I was literally breathless! I could not draw air! I tried to pull it off but the dress held fast…I was stuck in it for over 20 minutes. I wrestled with it, tried lying on the floor. I live alone and I was certain that I would have to break it in order to get out of it.
I did get it off, luckily. And I dieted like crazy to fit into it for the wedding. What a nightmare.
Thanx for telling me honestly about Spanx. Have been thinking of getting some–and was even contemplating buying online without trying on! DUMB I know but time is money.
Love your crappy pictures. I have never commented on here before and one wonders if you even get time to read all of the comments, there are so many!!!! xx
I’ve worn spanx daily for years. When trYing on a super duper powered full body spanx for a special occasion- i literally sprained my left neck muscle (i needed physical therapy). I was whimpering in the dressing room from the pain. I managed to free myself, put my clothes on and bought the not so super duper slimplicity i noemally wear. The lingerie staff inquired as to the cause of my tears. When i told her what happened a strange but nice lady gave me a neck massage.
I looked at the blogs of the 3 you referenced, and none of them are near as funny as you!
post labor bliss. hilarious!
Fcking hilarious!! Thank you so much for all these wonderful laughs, and PLEASE keep em comin!!
YES – I had the same experience trying one on. I’m guessing you burned like 3000 calories just trying to take the thing off so, really, mission accomplished.
You should try a spanktard. Much easier, no sausages. 🙂
I do this with my sports bra almost every day. 😉
Maybe I should get a bigger one…
Holy shit that was funny. Thank you. Mamas with long days need that.
“It’s like I’m birthing myself through a Spanx® vagina”
OMG you made me spit all over my laptop 😀
I’m 20 and therefore have no post-baby fats or anything to use as excuse, but this is exactly what happens when I decide to see if I can wear the XS; and those things don’t come with zips or buttons or ANYTHING. i always limp out of the store after yanking a couple of shoulder muscles. Rats.
*still rubbing shoulder after latest dressing room episode
All you ladies have had my cat looking at me wondering if I have finally lost it! All of you should check out my website, you will never even think about Spanx again never mind attempt to get in or out of one! <3 <3 <3
we have all been there. This is such a ridiculous situation. My husband laughs hysterically whenever I put mine on!
Thank you. Funniest thing I have ever read. And absolutely true.
my 16 year old son is sitting in the room with me & keeps telling me to knock off the laughing as he can’t hear the olympics. i would tell him what is so funny but i just don’t think he’d get it. this post is AWESOME.
Bahahaha! Been there! Thank you for this post! I almost woke my toddler up from laughing so hard!
It successfully turned my torso into a sausage with a too-tight casing. And my meat filling is squeezing out of the bottom.
Best description ever! I’ve only worn one body shaper type undergarment ever and my bottom did look like that! Bonus: Big boobs over something like that = anime character looking boobs. Oy!
Oh my goodness! After all the crappy news about Syria, the auburn shooting victims, the crappy NBC Olympic coverage, I read this and am laughing my way to sleep. This is just awesome stuff……simply awesome! what a description, birthing yourself from Spanx! Wow….I am now gonna buy your book for sure.
Spanx is dangerous stuff for sure. I aint even trying it though maybe I should just for the experience!
OH MY GOSH! I can’t stand it. I’m dying. Thank goodness I have a door to my office. I have been there. It’s scary! Heart pounding the more you panic the more you sweat the harder it is to get off. Glad you were able to escape.
Glad you made it out of that Spanx vagina. It can get hairy in there I’ve heard.
Thank you so much for an absolutely hilarious post!!
LOL at work -!!
Laughed until I though I would fall off the chair. Thanks!
Real life is so much better than fiction.
LOL!!! I am seriously laughing so hard… LOL. “I’m crowning” … brings tears to my eyes. I do know that glorious “post-labor” feeling, although I’ve never applied it to real-life events other than birth. I’m gonna have to try that sometime!! HA HA HA
I am now following for no other reason than I almost peed reading this post!
Makes me want to run off and buy some spanx and then head off to the fat girl store (aka Lane Bryant) and try on some stuff..if for no other reason than to make myself FEEL skinny!
OMG this has got to be the funniest thing EVER… I cried so hard I had to replace my make up ! thanks for sharing and keeping it REAL…I’m sure I’ve pulled a few muscles myself here and there trying to get out of one of those ” amazing ” pieces LOL…
Sorry Amber but for the first time ever I did not laugh at your post. No, you are such a descriptive writer that instead of laughing I began to have a panic attack at the mere thought of being trapped in one those things. You had me in a cold sweat until you began your “crowing” moment…lol. Loved the fact that you were brave enough to share your experiance as always!!!!
I almost lost my coffee on this one. I wear spanx, the bottoms, not the tops. Mine are from just above the knee to just below the boobs. It works! The thing is, it kinda feels like I am either getting in to or out of a wet swimsuit. It does get rid of any bulges though!
OMG, I just about died laughing while reading this post. Still wiping away the tears and trying to get a grip on myself. I too have pulled muscles in my neck while trying on clothing so can sympathise as long as you don’t mind me laughing and crying at the same time. My husband wanted to know what was wrong with me and when I read it to him just smirked a bit. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM!
Oh dear gawd woman. My husband was just staring at me as I hysterically laughed through this entire post. “birthing myself through a spandex vagina” holy crap that was too funny. because its soooo true!!!
OH MY GOSH! So hilarious.
I sure do love mine.
I like the sausage stuffed look!
I am making all kinds of strange noises of laughter and now my dog is staring at me. I have been there. I have had a shirt wrapped so completely around my arms/shoulders/neck, I thought I would die. I agree with others- only only go for the bottom’s-up* ones. Much easier to do the wiggly hips and shimmy down then to be locked in the spastic contortions that can arise from things that must be pulled over the head.
*Not to be confused with “bottoms up!!!” ones – those are the kind you take one look at, wear your old clothes, and drink heavily cuz you just don’t care.
“It’s like I’m birthing myself through a Spanx® vagina.”
thank you. Thank you so much for that.
And this blog. We are forever grateful.
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Ahem.. yes this could’ve been me in that Target trying on a spanx tank. A fan before children when I was a C cup. Two kids and 32 months of breastfeeding later and well I grew to a size EE Cup with my first and have remained there. No way will my breasts fit into ANY spanx size shirt. Oh well..
Thank you for the laugh and the commiseration with other busty mamas.
Love this!!! Thanks for writing and sharing a story that most of us couldn’t have written. Experiencing belly laughter as I read it!
I heard my, um, friend’s husband bought a men’s Spann shirt to cover his gut. And I, I mean, she, is biting her tongue daily not to make fun of him.
Thank you for that!! Been there done that! I was laughing so hard the tears are rolling!!
That is amazing!
I can honestly say (from experience) that a full-coverage bust-to-hips steel-boned corset is MUCH more comfortable than Spanx! I wore a custom steel corset for 18+ hours for my wedding – it was amazing! Spanx….. not so much!
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What infuriates me is this. I am old enough that even though I didn’t need them, I wore GIRDLES as a teenager. (These were not only girdles, but garter belts with the fastener thingies to hold up the hose, as well.) It was SO LIBERATING in the late 60s to finally be FREE of those awful things. So after the Great Liberation, WHY THE HECK ARE WOMEN ONCE AGAIN STUFFING THEMSELVES UNNATURALLY INTO THESE TORTUOUS DEVICES? Once I was set free, I knew I’d never go back . . . for anyone! (Don’t even get me started on why a society of supposedly liberated women would arbitrarily decide that it’s “desirable” to shave pubic hair! Whose idea was that?? Oh, yeh….some man’s. Why not just return to living in corsets? Or is that where this whole discussion started? :-\ )
I laughed so hard – the image you create with this piece of story telling is hilarious!!
I just drooled on myself cause I was laughing so hard. I have many spanx stories including one from my wedding day.
OMG I shared this when I first read this.. Its STILL my FAVE!!
So glad I stopped in here from the UBP13! This is hilarious!
You just convinced me to take scissors with me and a shoe horn if I ever think I’ll try on spanx. Or better yet, never try it on.
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OMG. This is everything I dreamed it would be and more. I feel like I should write Kristin Shaw a check for pointing me toward this post today. Oh, and you of course, for writing and illustrating such full frontal hilarity. Skillz, girl.
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I discovered the hard way that Spanx have latex (even when they don’t all say it on the label). I’m have very bad skin allergies to latex, and I had a set of the little tall shorts for my wedding. Between it and the corset and the giant dress, everything was so uncomfortable that I didn’t even notice I was having a huge reaction to the banding. I looked like I had surgery scars all across my stomach by the time it was all removed that night. It only sat on my skin for, oh, 16 hours by the time I had to claw it off of me.
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Oh my gawd! I laughed so hard I spit corn out (was in the middle of my lunch) and then laughed again later so hard I almost peed on myself!
I have never tried them on but I think you’ve cured me of wanting to.
This is fantastic. I’m so glad it happened so you could tell about it!
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OMG!! I this article just made my night!!! Funniest thing ever!!
Googled “spanx before and after” and ended up here… I literally couldn’t breathe and almost died reading this. LMFAAOOOO *REAL TEARS*
I just came across this post….OMG I was dying! My muscles hurt from laughing, but you are soooo right! I have never used one because my sister had one and every time she’d wear it she looked like the bottom part of her was seeping out from under the garment…ugly!
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Thank you for a great laugh!!!! This has happened to all of us in one form or another. You are very funny – the commentary and pictures were priceless
This is what you do to put on spanx. Use baby powder to put them on and then still use it to take them off, this is how this is done. Sprinkle baby powder all over the spanx, it will be easier to take them off.
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Too too funny laughing out loud. Having second thoughts on this purchase may go the getto route with panty hose as well worth a try . LOL