Did you know that when a mom says she has “news” it doesn’t automatically mean she is pregnant again?
It is true. Sometimes we do other stuff.
This is me telling the whole crappy family my news…
(You’ll notice that Crappy Papa is holding a bottle of champagne. This is because he somehow can make a bottle of champagne appear out of thin air when someone utters the magic word “news”. No really, he can. I’ve seen him do it several times.)
I’m all giddy inside, I can’t believe I get to say the words! I’ve been dying to get this out! I’ve bottled it up for so long!
I start to tell them:
And I’m interrupted.
He wants a plum.
Now Crappy Baby pipes up that he wants one too. Fine.
Just let me get this news out!
I start again:
I’m interrupted. Again.
I tell him that Katherine is someone I work with, because I don’t want to explain further than that and really it is kinda true.*
I just want to tell my news!
Excitedly, I clasp my hands together and blurt it out:
I pause for effect.
At any moment colorful streamers and confetti and balloons will shower down upon us. The whole family will sing “For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow” and they’ll hoist me up on their shoulders and dance around and the band will start playing and the credits will roll and everyone will stand and clap while they wipe tears from their eyes.
Instead, this is the reaction:
Really? Ten billion years? Now that just isn’t true. I’m pretty sure I’ve only been talking about it for nine.
Admitting defeat, I tell Crappy Papa that I’ll tell him the details later. “Details” is a code word for “conversations” which parents can have via texting and after the kids go to sleep.
He asks me if I want champagne which isn’t a real question. He merely wanted to remind me of the presence of our champagne guest, patiently waiting in his hand. Yay!
He uncorks it in that loud, celebratory way that he feels is annoying and wasteful as any good wine snob does. But he does it on special occasions. For me.
We’re celebrating! Yay!
But the loud POP noise startles the kids.
And Crappy Baby starts fearfully sobbing.
I put my champagne glass down on the floor and rush over to pick him up. Poor thing.
Crappy Papa fills my glass as I comfort Crappy Baby and he hands it to me.
We clink glasses and don’t say a word. We just look at each other and laugh, knowing that there couldn’t be a more perfect way to celebrate a parenting book.
SO! You know how when a blogger suddenly announces that she got a book deal and then you worry that her posts won’t be as good as they used to be because she’ll save everything for her book? And then she just doesn’t have enough time to write so she stops posting as frequently?
I hate that.
I’m not going to do that to you. Because I just did.
Yep, I just spent the last many, many months secretly working undercover on this book. And now it is done.
At least the content is, which is at least 70% brand new material. With illustrations, of course. Then my editor and I will edit it and fix it and tweak it and add stuff to it and take stuff out of it and then the layout people do layout stuff and somebody says magic spells and it appears on paper and I actually have no idea how any of that works.
Book will be released next year by Harlequin Nonfiction somewhere around April 2013. Which might as well be ten billion years from now. Don’t worry, I’ll remind you when it comes out in case you want to like, read it or something.
*Katherine is my literary agent. I still feel kinda smarmy when I say I have an agent. Therefore I only say it using a Harvard accent. It’s the only way.
PS – it goes without saying (actually it doesn’t go without saying because now I’m going to say it) but THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR AWESOMENESS! I can’t tell you how hilarious and fabulous it was when potential publishers were looking at my blog and you guys were writing comments like “So when are you going to write a book?” totally unprompted. You guys rock. Hard.