When Crappy Baby was an actual baby, Crappy Boy went to this awesome co-op parent run preschool in the mountains. Crappy Baby was the youngest baby in our group of families.
All the other moms oohed and aahed over him in the way that moms of three, four and five-years-olds do over freshly pressed babies if they are done making them.
Since I was often busy with Crappy Boy, Crappy Baby got held by other moms a lot. One time in our hallway (it was a preschool meeting at our house) four moms stood in a circle passing him back and forth.
When I walked up, this is what I they were doing:
They were taking turns smelling his head.
A deeply focused smelling, with eyes closed and everything.
Actually, they were taking turns inhaling his head.
And they were getting high off it.
My baby was being passed around like a joint.
They got so into it they even discussed the nuances of what they were smelling.
And they kept on doing it until they were all in fits of giggles.
At the time, I thought they were pretty weird. Funny, but weird. I mean, I smell my own babies’ heads, but not other people’s. That’s just desperate or something.
Fast forward to the present…
So I’m at a fundraiser thing and I’m chatting with a woman who is holding a tiny, smiling baby. She has to pee or eat or tend to her older child or something (I blanked out on everything but the baby at this point) and she hands me her baby. A complete stranger just tosses me a free baby!
I hold it awkwardly for a couple seconds until it settles into my arms all smooshy-like. Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.
Then without being conscious of it at all, I bend my head down:
And I inhale. Deeply.
I kept looking up all paranoid hoping nobody was noticing. I tried to be all nonchalant about it. Oh no, I’m not taking hits off this baby’s head, I’m merely bending down and breathing near him. Carry on.
When I had to give the baby back, I was overcome by a nice, warm fuzzy feeling. Calm and content. Perhaps a bit giddy even.
That was some good shit.
PS – Drugs are bad, m’kay? Except other people’s drugs that you steal when nobody is looking. Those don’t count.
PPS – Endorphins are actually released in many adults when they hold a baby. So I’m serious about this getting high off babies thing. Try it! You’ll like it!
PPS – Warning, enjoying other people’s babies for recreational purposes may result in a desire to create another baby for your own use. They’re addictive.