Sometimes holidays or birthdays happen.
When these things happen we are required to attend parties. I loved attending parties before I had kids.
(Stop. Wait. No, that was a total lie. I’ve always disliked parties. I’m like Peter Sellers in The Party. I feel like I’m not supposed to be there and then I break the toilet and have to sneak out a window.)
Anyway, now it is worse. Now my kids break the toilet and our entire family has to sneak out the window.
So we get invited to a family friend’s party. A big one. About 80 people. There are other kids there though. All the kids will entertain each other so the adults can drink in the backyard. Beautiful.
I decide I’m going to be extra laid back. I’m going to have a glass of wine and not worry that my kids might be playing with matches in the attic.
Instead, I’ll have Crappy Papa go check on them every ten minutes.
The kids are all playing upstairs but every so often Crappy Baby comes down to enjoy the open bar:
Sprite, Fresca and Orange Sunkist. At least three food groups represented right there.
At one point, my mother-in-law asks me if he can have yet another glass:
Look at me and how laid back I am! I say something about how he doesn’t get soda at home or any other time so I don’t really care if he drinks a gallon at a party. She agrees. We basically high five in agreement. (The glass of wine was kicking in.)
Plus, my kids are happy! They are playing and we are enjoying ourselves too. This is awesome!
I’m standing in the backyard talking to Crappy Papa when Crappy Boy walks up:
My kids get naked at parties. It just always happens.
I go inside the house.
I look up and see Crappy Baby carefully descending the open staircase but he isn’t naked. He is wearing Hulk Underoos and pink sparkly heels.
So I ask him:
He explains that he peed and didn’t quite make it to the bathroom on time. So he just stripped down to his underoos. And then added sparkly heels of course. Maybe nobody would notice?
Crappy Papa goes upstairs to find out where the clothes wound up and to measure the pee damage. I tell him to text me if we need to climb out a window.
Then I turn to Crappy Baby and tell him that we need to get some clothes on him.
But he explains that he is a girl and runs. Even in heels, he can outrun me.
He is smaller too. A huge advantage at a crowded party. He effortlessly weaves in and out of groups of people.
After every single person there sees him at least twice, I catch him.
Then he proceeds to yell at such a volume that it hushes all party conversation:
Yes, hi. We’re the family that brought the screaming naked kid who refuses to put on pants and pees on your furniture.
Finally, I realize he is only worried about the darn shoes.
He relaxes. He gets to keep wearing the shoes! He is happy.
I get him dressed. The comforting murmurs of conversation resume, letting me know that we are no longer the focus of 80 people.
And he puts his beloved sparkly pink shoes back on.
I expect him to strut away and go back upstairs but instead he says:
And he kicks them off. After all that struggle he doesn’t even want the shoes!
He sneaks away barefoot saying:
Sigh.
I just need more wine.
This is something that my 4 year old would do. We have an entire box of dress-up clothes, but his favorites are still the pink heels, tiara and jewelry.
Mine too! I have a 4yr old boy, but he loves dressing up in my heels and dresses! I say – whatever makes him happy!
We are also heading down that path!!
My 2 year old son recently discovered his 3 yr old cousin’s Halloween-costume-to-be, a sparkly blue princess dress and tiara. (Didn’t even wanna try on his pirate costume.) Ate lunch as a princess. Played with his tractors as a princess. Finally got it off of him and it was like a crack come-down for a week…”I want my Princess! I want my Princess! Mommie…I AM a Princess!! I’m a girl.”
Til we acquire a dress-up bin, he must settle for MY heels.
I think I’ve been to a party in my younger years where this is something a drunk frat boy would do 😛
LOL LOL LOL, true story
Actually, now that you mention it …
Oh dear, I see this scenario in my future. Laugh out loud funny!
We also bring the screaming, peeing kids to the party, two of them actually. My 4 year old son has a habit of eating all the cookies at any given party. We don’t get invited to many parties.
At least neither of them threw up anywhere. Worst Christmas party I ever went to was where one of the moms brought a stomach-illness child, who threw up into her cupped hands and on the white carpet, and then infected the rest of the party-goers with his virus.
We had that two Christmases in a row. In fact, my son now thinks that Christmas is when he goes to Grandma’s and throws up. Fun. Last year we decided to let Christmas come to us, thus breaking the cycle.
I totally agree with you about The Party. I seek out the pet in the house and pretty much sit with it the entire time (and whispering “Birdie num nums” under my breath).
LOL, yes. Birdie num nums!
“Num num” was our nursing word because of that movie! “Oh no, there is birdie num num everywhere!”
bwahahahahahahahaha! awesome!
Getting naked at parties already? Oh we’ll, it’s just an early introduction to college parties, right? Nakedness, the smell of booze and soda and urine…you should pat yourself on the back for preparing them to handle these things now.
I love how Sprite, Fresca and Orange Sunkist represent at least three food groups! LMAO!!!! And yes, my two year old son loves to wear my daughters pink heels as well….lol
I am laughing so hard! Not just at the almost nakedness and sparkly pink heels (which go so awesome with Hulk underoos, by the way) but at the fact that we just recently went to a family party and my son broke the toilet! He literally broke it, and I had to pretty much slink out to ask my husband’s cousin (we were at her house) if the toilet seat was already broken or if he really broke it (it wasn’t broken previously, bummer). I wasn’t in there to witness it, so I had to ask.
The heels hurt his feet-now he knows how women suffer for fashion. Except for me. I don’t ever wear heels.
That is so funny that you literally broke the toilet recently. I feel your pain. lol
Every Wednesday, my boy would streak through our small group Bible study, right after he pooped his pants……..*embarrassed*!
That is SO Hilarious. There’s something about things that are sparkly and pink that really attracts toddler boys.
🙁 No more Crappy Baby diaper? He’s growing up so fast! 😉
Well apparently he could still use one at parties!
I was actually impressed he was wearing clothes. That didn’t last long. Lol 😉
so great. your posts comfort me as my daily mothering trials can sometimes bring me down. thank you
It’s really great to know you’re not alone, isn’t it? <3
Yes. I have two small kids and need to hear stories that confirm my household isn’t the only crazy-ish one.
I have 2 and 4 year old boys and sometimes think you are narrating/illustrating our life. I do escape the home to work so a lot of these things happen to my husband (stay at home dad). I had to keep pausing while reading this – I was laughing so hard, the tears were blurring my vision. I also now need my inhaler (my favorite reason to use it is because I was laughing – thanks!). I have always hated parties too – with kids I positively have panic attacks!
We went to one of these parties. The backyard had a kiddie zipline, awesome jungle gym, and two (unpowered) ATVs that the little guys took turns pushing each other on.
We knew it would be hard to leave. At least, it would be if we wanted our four-year-old to come.
Hubby did the farewells as I attempted a cheerful, “Last play!” and “Okay, time to go!” farewell. Then hubby started the car while I manhandled the wailing, thrashing child out of the backyard, through the house, and across the front yard and sidewalk, all packed with people. (It was an awesome party.) Needless to say, we turned heads. I muttered one-word apologies and smiled my way out. At least, I stretched my face in the shape of a smile.
Then some kind soul (probably a parent) took mercy on me and said, “It isn’t a party until someone’s carried out screaming.”
I still think gratefully of that person!
Avoiding hauling a screaming toddler out of places is the main reason I have a smartphone. So now I carry a TV zombie who is absolutely glued to the episode of Wonderpets instead *sighs*
My 7 year old has an undersized bladder…..
The disapproving looks you get from folks when your school age choc wets, trully are the catalyst fir a good bathroom window sneaking! Lol. X
My son has to pee every 5 minutes. Yes we’ve had him tested and it’s all in his head (having to pee, that is). There are times when I want to climb out the bathroom window at parties due to his behavior. But he’s already in there, peeing.
@SBWGirl: I work as an advocate for people with central nervous system problems. Urinary frequency issues are often related to tethered spinal cord (fixable), and TSC is sometimes occult, so a physician who is not an expert might miss it. Look for toe-walking, GI issues, leg pain, etc.
Both my boys went through a period of that and then it just ended. It was incredibly exasperating though.
that’s one of my most favourite movies of all time! LOVE it.
Love the black sccrrreeettch marks from the pink heels in the “No pants!” pic. So hilarious!! Crappy illustration perfection.
It’s always something! My twins always strip down to nothing and put on swimming suits when we have family gatherings. We live in the midwest. Needless to say, suits in January are not the smartest option. This usually happens when my niece is over. She is the same age as the twins (6). I just blame it on her.
My 4 year old daughter is known as “the bread bandit” at parties. If there is any bread (buns, sandwich, etc….) exposed in a surface she will take it and have a bite out of each one. If there is anything on the bread (hot dog, cold cut, etc…) it will be removed and the bread eaten. I have to watch her like a hawk!!!!
I love your comics!!
I thought for a moment you’d experienced my story!
I was at a mostly-adult Christmas party with my two boys (4 and 7) when I hear that the youngest needs me in the bathroom. He’d wet himself, AND the bathroom carpet. (Yes, these are people who have carpet in the bathroom!) I’m trying to figure out how to deal with this discretely, without a change of clothing, when I hear that my eldest is throwing up in the basement. Praying the youngest will stay put and no one needs the bathroom, I bolt downstairs to see that the eldest has indeed thrown up all over their carpet. In fact, he’s doing it again. There’s a bathroom RIGHT BEHIND HIM, but he’d rather project outward a bit than move. *sob*
The next day I drove an hour back to her house with my carpet cleaner to try to fix the damage. We haven’t been back to her house since.
Who puts carpet in a bathroom? That’s just asking for trouble.
I hate carpeted bathrooms. They’re really commen in our area. Luckily we ended up buying a house with no carpeted bathrooms. If we’d ended up buying one on the many houses we saw with that problem I would have insisted on carpet removal being our first project. It’s just gross.
*same Stupid autocorrect.
Wow you’re nice!! Any guess who shampoos my bathroom carpet (GROSS!) is more then welcome to come back anytime!
Lol! This whole post is hilarious. I love how he said the shoes “ow” his feet. Kidspeak is awesome!
I think that might have been a scene right out a couple of parties I attended back in college!
Love this!! At my goddaughter’s high-school graduation my 2.5 year old son peed his pants 4 times in less than 3 hours. Luckily they have a 4 year old boy and had tons of extra underwear 🙂 My God daughter made a wise crack about not having seen that much pants-peeing going on at a party yet — I said wait til you get to college, this is nothing 🙂
hahahaha! omgoodness not the thing to read while at work!
It seems every party we attend with our two boys (which is not many) ends in a slightly urine smelling, clothes optional, way-past-bedtime drunkenness that my husband considers training for college. We should all have a party together and then no one will have to worry about whose kids are most embarrassing!! 🙂
Oooooh, oooooh, Crappy Party, I want to come!
I love your blog you have such a good way of retelling these stories.I have never ever seen a blog with so many comments. I suspect you’re secretly a good drawer. lol
I agree she gets alot of comments (deserved) but you should go look at hyperbole and a half or the bloggess, theirs go into the thousands sometimes and most commonly 300+. I am obsessive and TRY to read all the comments, then I don’t get to my other fav bloggies, sometimes I have to give up. 🙂
I absolutely adore these posts…by far, the most hilarious!!!! <3 <3
They ow my feet too, little dude. Mucho ow.
We had the “naked 2yo at the outdoor wedding” a few years ago. People still identify us as “the ones with the naked boy who was dancing.” It was either let him strip, or hear him scream…
One of my nephews was trying to strip down at our wedding reception, lol. Good thing we’re laid back, although I can’t say the sample for the in laws.
It has been a rough week here for me, kids have stomach bug, my Grandpa died, hurricane last night, but for a few minutes, I forgot everything and just laughed and laughed. Thanks! 🙂
A post just in time for my baby’s one year old party. Great. Now I have peeing children to look forward to.
My little girl (potty training aged two) lost her knickers at two wedding receptions in a row. Lol!
Oh what a cutie!!! Crappy Baby is getting to be as much fun as Crappy Boy! This is the best blog ever.
Why are you so hilarious?? I can’t start a blog because it won’t even come close. I laughed so hard at NO PANTS that I almost woke up my sleeping baby. And they DO ow your feet, little man. From the mouths of babes.
When our eldest was just recently potty trained we went to a party at the very posh apartment of an old college friend. We were the only ones with kids (we had the newly toilet trained two-year old and a baby). The eldest child crapped herself, repeatedly, despite generally having been clean and dry for weeks. Luckily, the posh apartment had hardwood floors, which wiped clean, and a balcony where we could dry out the knickers after we rinsed them (we ran out of clean pairs pretty soon). Two years later, we were invited to another party, by the same old college friend, in another, even posher, apartment (he may have had other parties in between, but we weren’t invited, wonder why). Still no one else had kids yet (we started young). Our second child had just recently been potty trained. Guess what happened …
Oh no…. lol.
Small boy had his only “brown” accident –ever– at a recent work party. Sigh. Fortunately everyone has kids under 5.
Usually he’s very good about using the bathroom, hitting the toilet, doing his dab-dab and washing his hands. He’ll even flush. Why he has take his pants and underwear off and leave them in there is beyond me…
When the kids AREN’T on caffeine you need a glass or two of wine…when they are you need a whole bottle at least!
Why is it that we feel we have to justify letting our kids have pop and candy at a party. If anyone asks me “Can your son have pop?” “Can your daughter have chips?” I’m all “We don’t have it at home so they can have it today because it is a special occasion.” I’m going to work on answering Yes or No to Yes or No questions.
And my son loves jewelry and guns. I consider that well-balanced.
“And my son loves jewelry and guns. I consider that well-balanced.” hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! That is awesome!
My kids also hate clothes. I figure if it would be funny if someone else’s kid did it, it’s funny if my kid does it. Anyone who would think less of me for normal kids’ behavior is just one more person I don’t need clouding up my life with their judgement.
amen!
word!
Oh man. My son just “mastered” potty training recently, in that he can pull down his pants/underwear when he’s ready to go. Unfortunately, a few accidents led us to innocently show him how to go potty outside, rather than risk the meltdown resulting from even considering to suggest he run inside to potty. So, as a result…yes, we are those folks whose on drops trow at a bbq and pees on our friends’ lawn. Luckily, they are good natured people, and only held it against us for a few weeks.
I feel your pain. Mine does it all the time. Everywhere. Playgrounds, the street, other people’s gardens.
Because we hike a lot, I taught my now 4 yr old daughter how to squat outside. She did great and proceeded to show off her new skill this summer.
In our front yard.
I was proud and horrified all at once.
One of my boys (2) always picks out the most frilly, girly or tall pair of shoes and wears them around. Plus he likes to be naked. I can just picture this scenario being us! Could not stop laughing!
seriously, your drawings crack me up to no end…
Something like this always happens to us too. The best (worst) one was when we were at a friend’s house and my then 4 year old went into the bathroom to go poop, but didn’t quite make it onto the potty in time and got some on the floor. He then finished on the potty and called for me, LOUDLY, that he was done and that there was poop on the floor. Of course everyone heard him. And now those friends use the incident as a funny story at every other party we attend with them. Not so funny for us!!!
So so funny! I hope my little boy grows up to be as hilarious as your kids. Keep these posts coming…they brighten my day every time!
I was so worried that those weren’t his underoos…
sounds like how we would go at a party, if only we went to parties anymore 🙂
Ooo! Oooo! I have the “Naked Kid” too! My family still talks about how, at my son’s 3 yr old b-day party, they were all bid adieu by a buck naked boy (newly turned three and fueled by cake, ice cream, and sheer determination) streaking down the driveway yelling “Bye! See ya later!”.
That is funny! When my, now 7 yo son was 18 months old he POOPED at a party! You, know the liquid, running out of your diaper, down your leg and landing in a sort of squishy pile on the hosts carpet kind of poop. Great. In my panic I picked him up in such a way as to fling poop on all the nearest guests as well as my hosts walls. Great. Needless to say, we have not been invited back.
Awesome!! I totally would have invited you back though! Then I would have ragged you mercilessly about it. LMBO
You are the greatest. You make me laugh every day. The best part is that it’s so funny because it’s true! I look forward (maybe not) to my little ones adventures.
Our youngest (now 15) scored in both areas. When he was two-ish he strutted up and down the aisle of a very large church meeting wearing nothing but a pull-up (from which I had been called outside for a moment) to announce , “I’m making a poooop” repeatedly until a friend of mine came and grabbed me and said, “you better get back in there right away.” When he turned 4 I got tired of him stealing my slips and camis to “wear a dress” and I went to the thrift store and got him his own pink flowered sun dress. He wore it until his 5th birthday when he was given cowboy clothes and the dress mysteriously disappeared. Lest you think me cruel, he never asked where it went or missed it.
just to clarify…I had been called out of the meeting, not the pull-up 😉
OMG! This is my son! I could not stop laughing.
You can’t leave me hanging like that! I need to know where he peed, how bad it was, and if window escaping was required!!!
This is sooooo my son! He managed to out ten straws, salt and pepper and three kinds of soda in his cup before anyone stopped him. He is five today and has outgrown this behavior…. Mostly.
Crappy baby is such a big boy now.
That sums up my life right now! With a three year old and a toddler. The sparkly made me snort! Thanks for a good laugh, I currently have cranky kids right now!
Every now and then, a word in your article is hyperlinked to an ad. Is that you doing that or is my computer sick?
Speaking of naked, my husband found our four year old naked (in his undies) at church on Sunday.
Did I mention my hubby is the pastor?
What is it with kids and naked??!!
Naked is fun. Everyone should do it!
Flaunting – not so much fun.
My almost 3 yr old holy terror of a son strips his clothes off endlessly all day long and runs laughing in an evil villain voice “muhahaha!” Everytime we have guests over or go somewhere he has stripped down. It happens in 30 seconds flat (if coat and shoes involved), or 15 seconds without coat and shoes. So ya, he’s dressed, I turned my back, turn around and voila, naked kid! He also loves to strip at Walmart! Gets his socks shoes and shirt off. I’ve started letting him leave his shirt off despite the looks I get. He’s happy and quiet and content… I can shop in peace! and if I don’t make a big deal he gets over it quickly and puts it back on!
Last year I was in an exercise class that took place is a huge hall/multipurpose room. The childcare room was just inside the main doors and the kids generally stayed in there. One day I was near the back on the floor doing some awkward ab/butt moves with 50 other women and heard behind me “clickety clack clack click” on the marble floor of the entry and turned to see my son, then 5, wearing a princess dress and heels and walking to the drinking fountain with a huge smile on his face…. Priceless.
Hilarious! Your kids ys get naked at parties, haha. And I loved that scene, now I have to watch the while movie
This is hilarious. Thanks so much for the laughs on a grey Wednesday morning. It also wants me to have some sparkly pink shoes for myself.
“I just need more wine.” <–that is SO me every night at bedtime.
This sketch is spot-on! For us, though, the kids don't have this problem with every party. It's one particular couple's house. Every. Time. It started when my oldest (now 3) was a baby, and he threw a glass bottle of baby food on their Saltillo tile floor during a party. There was glass everywhere (and multiple small children!). Then, when he was potty training, he peed all over their bathroom rug, magazines, extra toilet paper, everywhere. I was in the room with him for the baby food incident and in the bathroom, just not fast enough. Then, he passed on the destruction to his brother. When my second was born, he never had reflux problems at all like my first. He almost never spits up, like seriously-never. Anyway, we were at that same couple's house and I was nursing the baby. While he was still latched, the baby spit up an enormous amount of awful-ness all over their nice microfiber side chair, Exorcist style. It was EVERYWHERE. It even puddled in the creases of the chair-you know-where you lose the remotes (soaked me and the baby too). I'm actually surprised they still invite us over.
Illustrating a male toddler in sparkly pink shoes? What in the world are you thinking?! The last thing we need is another discussion on proper expressions of gender and sexuality in children!
This was hilarious. And I’m jealous of Crappy Baby and men everywhere who can kick off shoes that hurt.
Indeed!
I haven’t laughed out loud like that in ages! thank you 🙂 the nakedness with stylish footwear is totally my daughter too
Thanks for the link to “The Party!” I have not seen or heard of it, but watched the clip and it was hilarious! Can’t wait to see the whole thing.
Awesome! I guess I should count myself lucky that my 3 year old (in three weeks) loves her clothes! So much so that she wants to sleep in them many nights. Odd cause my first daughter and my little sister when we were young were both strippers (haha!).
Also, Amber, I don’t know what it is different about your site than others, but it is SO VERY easy to comment, on the post and on other comments. I think this is why you have so many replies to comments and replies to replies. I hope you never have to go to captcha or moderate your comments or whatever blog thingy some others use where it is impossible to comment, cause I love how easy it is on yours! Just sayin…. 🙂 Devan
My daughter (5) WITHOUT FAIL wets the bed if she has soda. And she keeps painting my 3yo son’s nails, which of course I forget about until we are out in public. He’s taken to wearing her clip on earrings with the pink feathers, too, because he says they look like dog ears.
My 4.5 yr old daughter and 2yr o,d son are obsessed with nail polish. I let them choose colors. They proudly wear their painted nails and show them off to everyone we meet. They both love sparkles, so they both have sparkle runners. His are black or tan. And hers are blue or purple.:)
It’s not just kids who ruin parties. I took my 110-pound Bernese Mountain Dog to a Christmas party (he was invited!), and he immediately ran through the house *marking his territory*. Worst of all was when he peed on their Christmas tree. Mercifully there were no presents underneath! He ended his spree by running up to me and peeing on my leg, thus marking me as his, I suppose. This was unprecedented (and appalling!) behavior!
Hahaha and my first thought was “So glad Crappy Baby puts on some clothes when he goes to a party!” … and there he is, naked again 😛 What is it with boys and wanting to be in their underpants … some of them never outgrow it.
Probably one of my favorite posts of yours. Hilarious!! Thank you for making my day!
HILARIOUS!!! I could picture every single scene play out. That would happen to me… Hope you got more wine and the rest of the night was UNeventful. 🙂
I f@$&!ing hate taking my kids to parties, even kid parties. I pretty much stopped going to other people’s houses altogether when my second one turned two. I know it makes me seem anti social but it’s just a loose/loose situation.
Wow! I thought my husband and I were the only people in the world who appreciated that movie! I WISH I could go to a party in the 60s in a house like that! Birdie Num Num was our nickname for our oldest daughter, LOL. We recently tried to watch it with the kids, thinking they would find it as funny as we do, but it is so slow moving they kept asking “What? What’s happening? Why was that funny?” which made it way less funny for us. Thank you for making me laugh out loud!
I am in tears that was so funny! I love the shoes, my son would totally pull something like that too.
He leido Going to Parties with Kids con mucho interes y me ha parecido util ademas de bien redactado. No dejeis de cuidar este blog es buena.