Getting Kids Out of The House

We go places sometimes. This is what happens at our house before we leave…

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We have just barely enough time to get ready. As long as we both work to get the kids ready we’ll make it on time. Teamwork!  

So I get started. First, I find a big bag and toss in a few toys:

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This takes a little thought actually. Depends on where we are going. Restaurant? Quiet busy toys like stickers and drawing books. Park? Balls and maybe some sand toys, depending on the park. 

After I figure this out and make sure to have two of similar things to avoid pain and suffering later, I get started on the food. 

We always bring food. Food also takes a little bit of thought. Certain things pack better than others. Certain things are things they are more likely to eat. Certain things are more messy…

But my food planning is interrupted: 

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I’m being summoned.

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There is a car dispute. There is always a car dispute.

Fortunately, I’m able to smooth over car disputes by reminding them that we have three billion cars. Sure, this green one is awesome but so is the red one. And yellow. And blue. Maybe we can take turns with the green one and meanwhile the other kid can play with a different one while they wait their turn and blah blah blah I’m so bored of this because I say it three billion times a day and the only thing that changes is the car they are fighting over. 

I’m about to get back to the kitchen to continue with the snack packing. I realize now would be a good time to announce a “last call” for snacks before we leave:

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But they aren’t hungry. So I hurry back into the kitchen to finish up.

I’m just about done when I am called again. I quickly toss the rest into the bag. 

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I grab the bag and make a quick stop for clothes for the kids. I need an outfit for Crappy Baby (yes, he does sometimes wear clothes – gasp!) and I need to bring extra clothes for just-in-case scenarios. It might be something like long sleeve shirts if they get cold, hats for the beach, extra pants and underwear for Crappy Baby or maybe dry clothes to change into after swimming – that sort of thing.

Crappy Boy is calling for me even louder now and it occurs to me that Crappy Papa has disappeared.  

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Where IS Crappy Papa? 

I head over to Crappy Boy and ask him what it is he needs to tell me:

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Turns out he changed his mind. He is hungry and needs to eat before we leave.

I haven’t even gotten myself ready yet so I try to get out of it to save time:

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Where IS Crappy Papa? I thought he was going to help get them ready. Meanwhile, Crappy Baby says he is hungry too.

I rush to the kitchen and grab some carrots and yogurt for them:

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I set them up with their food:

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Everyone is happy for a moment. I can go change my clothes!

I head to my closet and thumb through the outfits for 60 whole seconds. 

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I hear “Done!” from the other room so I pick one and throw it on.

I clean up their dishes:

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As I pass through the kitchen I glance at the clock and notice that we have to leave in three minutes.

Now that Crappy Baby is done eating, I can attempt to capture him to get him dressed:

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It isn’t always easy. He runs faster than I do.

Finally, they are pretty much ready! My turn to get ready as fast as womanly possible! I head to the bathroom. 

I know they’ll follow me which is great because I need them both to pee before we get in the car. 

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After a few grumbles from Crappy Baby they both pee.

That is it! They are finally all ready! Completely ready!

They run to the door and announce it:

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Of course I’M not ready.

So then this happens:

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He reappears. And once again blames me for being late.   

—————

This is a joke between us, so no worries. In fact, his ridiculously vague excuse is always “I had to go check something” which we all know means he was just hiding. We both know he does this on purpose and we laugh about it. Well, sometimes. Sometimes I yell at him to reappear. Especially during the bedtime routine. NO disappearing acts allowed then.  

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254 Responses to Getting Kids Out of The House

  1. Misty Pratt says:

    My husband always seems to be in the crapper…seriously, why do men take so long to have a shit??

    • Mona Lisa says:

      I was about to say the same thing! And it’s never during nap time either. It’s like he saves it for when I need help with the kids, lol.

      • Tarina says:

        Or do the kids save their crazy for when daddy’s gotta poo? Think about it? Chicken? Egg?!

      • Libby says:

        Yes, I swear my ex did, 4 kids and it was like oh she needs help with the kids… I’ll go sit on the toilet for 30 minutes then complain that she always wears a pony tail when we go out.

    • Heather says:

      You are totally right.. and always at the most inconvenient times.. especially smack in the middle of Costco or something. HAHA!

      • Renee says:

        I think we are married to the same man. he left me in line in Costco to use the restroom….and he had the stupid membership card!

    • Cara says:

      This was my first thought of where crappy husband was, too. At least that’s how it almost ALWAYS is in our house. Or as we are walking out the door, I get a hold on a minute, I have to poop. We all know it takes WAY longer than a minute!! I swear he is the same or worse than the kids. Sigh.

      • Teresa says:

        This morning in my house, the exact same thing! Like you didn’t realize it 15 minutes ago?

      • Jessica says:

        I thought this was just my husband! It never fails. I tell him we have to leave in 4 hours and he waits until we are walking out the door. “I gotta poop!”

    • SarahJane86 says:

      I call my husband the Inconvenient S***ter. It is only when it is the absolute worst time possible that he chooses to use the bathroom.

      I also have no idea how an adult can need to go so urgently he can’t wait five minutes?

      • Amanda 2 says:

        I am totally stealing that title for my husband. Maybe we should get some trophies with that engraved on them. My husband is the exact same way….the kids know that if he can’t be found, go check the bathroom. The other problem with my I.S. is that he takes the laptop and his headphones in there to watch news and music videos. Kinda hard to get his attention in an emergency when he has Iron Maiden cranked up all the way on his ‘phones, in mid-poop.

        • JulieBouf says:

          Wow! My first thought, too. I think we may need a Wives of Inconvenient Shitters Support Group!

          • Meghan says:

            I thought I was the ONLY one who had this issue with a husband… I am glad to see I’m not alone!

          • JT says:

            I have one too. Even when I try to take a really long time to get back at him, A) they are playing happily, and B) how long can you sit there???? I’m still done like 20 minutes faster than he is!

          • Littlefoot says:

            I’ll join! I have one of those, lol. I don’t know how he does it, my legs get numb if I sit there too long!

        • neal says:

          I’ve noticed that Michael Phelps always has headphones on before he races.

          So, your husband must think that he’s in some super-competitive event, and he’s got to get himself all psyched up so that he can really do his very best, like, better than he’s ever done before, maybe get a personal record, or even break a world record.

          When he comes out of the bathroom, you should hold up score cards. And maybe when he sees his scores, he’ll realize that there’s no way he’ll ever outscore the Russians, and he may as well just do a poop like the rest of us.

          Personally, I try to spend the least amount of time pooping possible. Getting interrupted in the middle is the worst. Oh, maybe that’s another way to speed your husband along – send the kids on missions to “check on” dad, with, like, screwdrivers and whatnot to jimmy the door.

      • Betsi says:

        Ha! Yes! My husband actually missed our second son’s birth because he was taking a poo!

    • Diana says:

      Men don’t take long time in the crapper, my husband is out in a second… It’s just unbelievably quick! Many times I laugh at him…

      But, he is running to his friends in case I clean up the house:)

      • Joselle says:

        My husband disappeared into the toilet at 5 mins to midnight one new year…. I’ve never forgiven him for that ๐Ÿ™‚ he tells me it’s because his intestinal tract is three times as long as mine, due to me having to carry all the baby equipment. I’m not convinced.

        • Sarah says:

          Don’t believe it, my husband had to have part of intestines taken out due to cancer and he still takes forever in the bathroom. It’s just them. Sure wish I had the luxury of spending half my afternoon in the bathroom alone…

    • Evelyn says:

      SERIOUSLY! … I sometimes wonder if there’s a medical issue….

    • Wendy says:

      Same thing here! What is with husbands and disappearing to the bathroom forever right when it’s time to go!

    • Paula says:

      I was about to say the same thing.. quite often we’re all in the car.. sweating with the windows up because he was right behind us and as I was strapping kids in, he took a detour to the bathroom… I have NO IDEA why it takes sooooo long or why it has to always be done as we leave.

      • Jesica says:

        OMG, this is so me! We’re out sweating in the car (because, of course, he has the keys), and my husband has disappeared. After 5 minutes of heat hell with kids fighting, i run back into the house to find him, and he’s on the toilet! This has happened to us probably 500 times.

    • BethAnn says:

      ROFLMAO mine too! I seriously was thinking there was something wrong with him! I don’t understand.

    • Kelly Hall says:

      OMG! Its the same thing here! He takes the iPad or the phone or his D&D books into the bathroom for like, 15, 20 minutes! WTH? Always when I need to talk to him or I need help!

      • neal says:

        He might as well be gearing up to go camping. What’s the motto? Be prepared! You never know what might go down in there, so you might need several books, a change of clothes, some snacks…really, all the things you need in order to get the kids ready to go out the door.

    • Rachel says:

      Mine too! You took the words out of my mouth! That’s always the hiding spot. He’ll go poop to get out of the round up. And who can argue with I have to poop. Really? Not me!

      UGH

    • katherine says:

      YES to this post overall and to the pooping issue. My husband takes like 25 min to poop. He also takes way longer to get ready for anything than I do, but thinks he needs less time than I think I need. Add to that the fact that he is not a morning person at all, so when we need to go somewhere in the morning (which is also when he poops), he does this ridiculous thing wherein he thinks he needs 30 minutes to get totally ready, but just pooping, showering and shaving takes him probably 50 minutes, and that doesn’t include eating anything, checking his e-mail (’cause you know he will, even in a hurry), etc. Can I EVER count on him to help me get our toddler ready in the morning. Resounding NO. I have to do all of my bathroom time before anyone wakes up.

      • Nicole says:

        Ummmm I totally see an unfulfilled need for a Crappy Papa crapper post. Your fans are screaming for it.

        I’m at the point where I tell my husband to go take a shit well before we’re ready to go because I know he’ll make us wait on his bowels. He looked at me stunned, like a deer in the headlights the first time I said it, but quickly retreated to his cave to go about his BUISness. ; )

        • amy says:

          I feel so much better knowing I’m not alone on this issue. I asked my husband to ask the doctor if his bathroom habits were normal and the doctor said it was normal. I didn’t believe him until now.

        • neal says:

          I’m with Nicole. I love anything related to the Crappy family, it always gets the wheels turning in my head. But as a dad, I’m especially interested in how Crappy Dad fits into the whole formula.

      • Nik says:

        Katherine, what are you doing with my husband?! I swear they must be twins! I call mine “the Putzer.” He moves slower then molasses in January in the morning. I get the baby, and myself ready and he’s still eating his breakfast. I can shower in about 6 minutes. His showers last 25. Plus 15 for the poop. And 10 for the shave. I don’t know how these guys survive.

    • ABM says:

      Firs time poster and dad here… have you forgotten that there’s ALWAYS something to do? It’s never a “good time” to have a sit down, unless everyone else is asleep. When I have to poo, there’s always something else I should be doing – so half the time I can only go later at work, amidst the foul odours and terrible hygiene of the office toilets..

      But anyway, all your husbands need to eat more vegetables, that will speed up their waste extraction… Eating something other than steak will not make them gay, I promise.

      • Karla says:

        I laughed at this. Love all of the poo talk. So true. But, yes, love the “eating something other than steak will not make them gay, I promise.” Again, so true. In my husband’s case pizza and soda. It’s like he’s still a bachelor (for ten years) and I never cook.

      • Karen says:

        – but the problem is the iPads and newspapers and the taking so long! The errand in itself is completely acceptable – but 45 minutes? I’m lucky if I get ONE minute to myself in there. And usually by the end of that minute I’m screaming “Both of you cut it out!!!” through the door ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Brenda says:

        ABM – Not so! More vegetables will in no way make the end of the chapter . . . or the album. . . . or the newspaper . . . or whatever come any quicker! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I never heard of taking entertainment into the bathroom until I got married.

        Ladies, thanks SO much for the laughs. I hear it puts antibodies in the saliva which is a great immune boost. And I’m pretty sure we are ALL married to the same man.

      • Brandy says:

        My husband is a vegetarian that only eats veggies and such. And he still takes a minimum of thirty minutes to poop. *smh

        But he’s scared of publix restrooms, so if there’s a poop emergency in public we are required to rush home right then.

        • Tracy says:

          I think we are married to the same man! LOL Seriously, if Dh has to go when we are out in public he will start whining about needing to get home right away. We are also vegetarian so it’s not like he has a fiber issue. More like a iPhone/laptop issue. I am constantly threatening him that I will take him in to the Dr to get a colostomy bag I am so annoyed with the time he spends on the pot.

      • CNT says:

        ” Eating something other than steak will not make them gay, I promise.”

        OMG I spit soda on my monitor when I read that LOL!

    • Mitchell says:

      So I am a crapper too… It takes me awhile to finish but I want to present a little balance to what some others (wives) have said. I might suggest that husbands leave at the most inconvenient time because anytime he is home and the kids are active is inconvenient for him to be doing something else. Let’s say I need to go but I wait 15 minutes to help and play with the kids. They all get rambunctious and mischievous when I go to empty the large intestines. If I had gone right and not waited the kids would have gotten more rowdy when I left. Are you suggesting I wait three hours until the kids’ naps?

    • Donald Purves says:

      It takes so long for the “let down” reflex, that’s why he reads a book to take his mind off it.

    • julia says:

      Mine too he is in there forever alwayswhile I’m trying to fo something too. It only takes me a few secs and i never get to close the door i have an audience

    • amy b says:

      it’s because they are all playing brick breaker on their ipods. mine admitted it one day during a weak moment.

    • Nicole says:

      Oh my word… I married this man, too! WTH?!

    • Katie says:

      Yes! Haha! I know my husband is irritated with me and how long I take to get ready. But every weekend he says, “I’m going to jump in the shower.” 20 minutes later, he’s finally getting in the shower. So he technically takes almost just as long as I do to get ready! I always give him specific tasks when getting ready to go somewhere with baby. “Can you pack a bottle for her? Can you put this outfit on her?” etc. Don’t let him disappear!! Give him a job before he walks away! I like how when I get ready to go out to somewhere now, it means putting on chapstick and brushing my hair. That’s pretty much all I’ll have time to do.

    • Laura says:

      mine too. It wouldn’t be so bad because I expect it. But he always seems to wait until we are 100% ready to go before he does, so then I have to figure out how to entertain the kids for 15 minutes, which halts that ever important forward motion that gets you out the door. Once you stop, it takes 10 more minutes to get started again.

    • Lady S says:

      Seems all man and their pooo business are the same. Using the bathroom statement to get out off any kids related stuff ….

    • Lindsay says:

      HAHA! Yes! This is a constant argument at our house. It’s always during packing or dinner time and WHY DOES IT HAVE TO TAKE SO LONG?

    • Jessica says:

      Seriously! I know that once he heads to the restroom I won’t see him for about an hour MINIMUM! It’s ridiculous!!

  2. Amanda says:

    This is sooo totally our routine to go somewhere. I’m glad you can laugh about the disappearing act at your house, we are not to the laughing point yet. It drives me crazy!

  3. Sarah Richardson says:

    oh. my. lord. every damn time!!!!!!!!

    men are very lucky we keep them around. I am pretty sure we would be better off locking them up and only bringing them out when we need them to kill bugs, or give us their sperm.

    HA!

  4. Marcy says:

    You forgot the part where the one who ate, as you are stepping out to the car, decides he/she needs to poop Stat. For me, it’s always the one that poops for 20 minutes that needs to do so at the very last moment. Then add the irritation about the time it takes her to poop and the guilt about being irritated by pooping patterns.

    • Christi says:

      Ah! This ALWAYS happens to me! We made the 45 min drive to the French Quarter in New Orleans and ALL three of my children had to poop immediately! It was SO awesome dragging my children through New Orleans trying to find a public restroom without a side helping of Ebola, then trying to get them all cycled thru while a line built behind us. Awesome.

  5. Jen says:

    I always laugh (well, after I get pissed)that I get 3 people ready in the time it takes my husband to get ready, and he’s still ALWAYS the last one out the door. WTF?

    • joanne says:

      omg I can SO relate!

    • Cynthia says:

      Me, too. And that’s after I give him an ETA that’s 30-60 mins sooner than the when I want to leave. I’ve sat in the car with the girls and contemplated leaving him, but it’s never come to that. Yet! : )

      • Amanda says:

        I’ve left my husband to go to church before. The next weekend he was ready a lot sooner. LOL!

    • Brenda says:

      My husband is always the first one ready, and then disappears while I do everything else, get everything else, prepare everything else, let the dog out, blow out candles (our kids are older now!), turn off fans, let the dog back in, lock windows and doors, and then eventually find him sitting in the living room reading a magazine or surfing on his phone, just waiting for me to “finally” be ready to walk out the door. And always says he is happy to help: “Just tell me what to do.” Like he’s one of my kids! Gotta love ’em.

      • Ana says:

        OMG, my hubby does and says the same thing, I hate it! Would it kill him to do things on his own? How does he not know how to get a child ready?

    • Stephanya says:

      You must be married to my husband. He usually goes through two to three clothing/shoe/hat changes while the boys and I are waiting on the sidewalk.

  6. meganleiann says:

    Don’t hate me, but my husband’s always cleaning the kitchen. I know in theory (and almost always in practicality) this is good. But sometimes I just need him to wipe down the counters LATER and help the kids pick out clothes NOW. It’s a running (almost) joke in our house.

    • Ashley Newberg says:

      Oh my gosh, I thought my husband was the only one so obsessed with the kitchen! Whenever people are coming over and we need to clean really quick, he always goes straight to the kitchen. Never mind the fact that these guests won’t even be able to get in the door because everything else is a mess… lol

      • Andrea R. says:

        On the rare occasions when I ask my husband for help cleaning the house because we have company coming, he gets distracted with some non-essential task like sorting old magazines out of the magazine rack. I have to say “stay on the critical path! dusting, vacuuming, mopping, etc. Things that people notice!” It’s some kind of disorder, I think.

        • Andrea R. says:

          He is also an I.S. Did not know that this was so common!

        • Nicole says:

          Ack!!! Mine always reorganizes closets when I ask him to clean for company!! It IS a man thing, I’ll have to let him know he’s special and stop blaming my post-baby PMS rage for going off the rails at him!

          • Jenn says:

            I thought it was just mine! Mine retreats to the ‘man cave’ downstairs that hasn’t been cleaned in ages when company is coming over. Like, I promise that your grandparents aren’t going to want to hike downstairs to sit down when they get here honey. No one EVER goes down there, so help me clean UPSTAIRS!!!

          • meganleiann says:

            YES! I have a closet-of-death and that’s where he always starts when we clean house together. To be fair: when he cleans the house it is really clean- like from the inside out. Much cleaner than my “stuff stuff in the closet” method so I can be done and get on fb.

        • THIS!!! Granted, I have a great hubster who is helpful and kind, but he does tend to approach large projects…differently.

      • Susan says:

        Whenever we are having people over and need to clean the house, my husband immediately starts doing laundry. Laundry. Laundry?? He is OCD about laundry (which can be good and bad). I have to remind him that I don’t think that our guests will be going through our bedroom, through our bathroom, and into our closet to check our laundry basket. But then he just gets pissy and keeps doing laundry anyhow.

        Oh, and he’s not an inconvenient crapper, but at critical times he always disappears into the garage or into the backyard to check his vegetable garden. He’s a weird one.

      • Libby says:

        Cause they are like entirely allergic to picking up they can only scrub or load or something lol my ex would scrub a clean counter while the living room was buried in toys… drove me insane.

  7. Shannon says:

    Oh my goodness. This. Happens. Every. Time.

  8. Sharon says:

    I hate to tell you, but it doesn’t get any better. My crappy kids are 13 and 16. I hate being late! 16 has to do her hair and makeup but still is ready before my carbon based spousal unit. He ends up in the bathroom for 20 minutes. I’ve told him when we need to go so we aren’t late. You can’t tell me a 42 year old man didn’t know he had to “go” until the last minute!

  9. Anya says:

    Sounds and looks very familiar indeed. My husband is better trained (i.e. I nag more) so he does help, of course after I dole out specific instructions, even though we’ve been through this a billion times already (they need to eat, dress, visit the bathroom, etc.).
    But after all this, aren’t you tired of spending exactly 60 seconds on yourself? I know I am. I can’t remember the last time I managed to both brush my hair AND put on some makeup before we leave. And don’t even mention the earrings/necklace/jewelry… I’m kind of sick of not having the time to care about the way I look, really.

    • Jenn says:

      My hair is in a ponytail every.single.time we go anywhere, and typically I haven’t even showered since the night before. Hubby always looks nice and dapper, freshly shaven, showered, and in clean clothes. I have to race through my closet and grab the first (and only) thing that still fits and throw it on, and grab some flip flops on my way out the door. I put makeup on in the car. And he wonders (silently, luckily for him) why I never ‘get dressed up.’ URGH.

      • Libby says:

        My ex would either disappear to use the toilet while I got our four girls under five years old ready, or say something like “but their girlws that’s your job” and he used to ‘wonder’ out loud why I never ‘dressed up’. Not any wonder he’s an ex.

  10. DB says:

    I seriously thought it was just my husband that disappears every time we need to get out the door. Usually he is in the bathroom or “checking something” in his office which means he is surfing the net….WTH??! Its almost as if you placed a tiny camera in my house and made this post about me and my family!

  11. Kali says:

    I’m glad it’s something you can joke about with your husband. I can get a little stabby if I feel I am doing all the work and he’s just surfing the web or playing on the piano or something not moving us toward the goal of leaving. I still have to bark out orders like a drill sergeant sometimes and I think, “how many times have we done this now?”

  12. Christie says:

    Same here! My DH is always pooping when I’m trying to get the kids ready to go somewhere. Serioulsy?! I can get my business done in less than 5 minutes, start to finish, and maybe once every few days. Why does it take a grown man 20 to 30 minutes to poop and he has to do it at least twice a day?! Ugh, men. My LO’s are the same as yours: 5 and 2. I just love reading your blog!

    • Jessica says:

      Yep! Mine is in the bathroom sometimes upwards of an hour if I let him get away with it!! He brings his iPhone or iPad and just plays like the bathroom is his little treehouse getaway!

      And as far as disappearing… This is SO us!! I get up earlier than him, go to the bathroom in about 2 minutes and if I need #2 I evaluate if I have time and how urgent the need is, even then I can be done in 5, MAYBE 10 if constipation is there but I usually call it if I need to be somewhere. Then it’s get kiddo(s) up, set out clothes, go to brush hair and teeth, hubby still in bed, start to get dressed, hubby gets up and takes up the bathroom with his toys, I go back and make sure kid(s) are really waking up and remind them to go potty, go to the kitchen and get out vitamins, evaluate how much time I have for making, serving and hopefully eating breakfast. Then I go check to see if he’s out of the bathroom as I need to finish getting ready, go help dress kid(s) and do their hair and other morning rituals while asking them about their night, dreams, etc. Finally get my bathroom and hubby asks me when I’ll be ready so I tell him just to let me finish hair and last things, hardly ever get to do make up and jewelry is an as I can get it basis if I have time. Hubby is hollering that “we needed to be gone!” from the office (Yes, he’s on the computer!) and I grumble about him sleeping in and not helping me out, then Hollar for him to make sure vitamins and food are received while I try to finish up. I come out to a “C’mon Jess, let’s go!” and ask if vitamins and food are taken care of, then give the kids the vitamins and food that they were supposed to have gotten and put on everybody’s shoes while hubby tells me I need to get up earlier if I’m going to take so long… !!! After reminding him that things would go faster if he got up earlier and helped I finished shoes and coats if needed, making sure everyone has their stuff for the day. Then we wait on Daddy to finish what he’s doing on the computer to a “Oh I was still waiting on you” comment when I sit, twiddling my thumbs asking if we needed to leave.. Sometimes he migh brush their hair or help with shoes, if I’m lucky he MIGHT help with breakfast. Apparently he can dress himself but is clueless on how to dress children or what they should eat in the morning so I don’t get help there other than if he lets them grab the cereal to eat it out of the box!

      And the kicker? He sleeps in later and gets out of the house LATER when he’s going alone than when he goes out with us! He’s pretty good in other areas, but this is one thing that bugs the SPIT out of me!!!

      • MGCoffee says:

        “like the bathroom is his little treehouse getaway.”

        EXACTLY! It makes me absolutely crazy that he thinks he should get to poop to hide.

  13. sarah says:

    never do i want to divorce my husband as badly as when this occurs.

  14. Teresa says:

    I’d be seriously irritated with the disappearing act. Thank GOD my husband helps out with all that. I know quite a few moms that can relate to this, though.

  15. jamie says:

    This is why just about everything I own lives in my car.

  16. Jori says:

    This is so exactly what happens at our house! Drives me soooooo crazy!

  17. M. says:

    This is so my life. Especially the husband!!!

  18. I think my favorite part is that you switched the purple dress for a slightly darker purple dress. Comic genius! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Irena says:

      Me too.
      I must add that I actually have mom’s uniform. 15 different colors of the same blouse that looks great so that I don’t have to think of what to wear. (who has the time, anyway?) and yes, I am a genius. Lol

  19. Jessica says:

    Yup, exactly. This explains why I’ve perfected the skill of doing eyeliner and mascara in the car. Though I had to ditch the eyelash curler after the last pothole incident left me with the “plucked” eyelash look for awhile. Saying this out loud is actually making me reconsider the eyeliner!

  20. nikki says:

    Thank god it’s not only my hubby who has perfected the disappearing act! The times he does help me get the kids ready we get an F in preparation…. We will forget the whole cooler of food for picnic lunch or won’t have any diapers in the diaper bag. I prefer for him to hide, as long as he stays out of sight. No lurking while I speed prep the family! ๐Ÿ˜›

  21. Patricia says:

    MY husband waits in the car and beeps while I rip through the house gathering the necessities! Hell hath no fury like a woman…um…”horned”? LOL

  22. “Maybe we can take turns with the green one and meanwhile the other kid can play with a different one while they wait their turn and blah blah blah I’m so bored of this because I say it three billion times a day and the only thing that changes is the car they are fighting over.”

    Insert “doll” for “car” and that’s my day. OY.

    This whole post is EXACTLY how things work in my house. But it’s funny when you describe it.

  23. Rebecca says:

    This is exactly my house too except one or both of my kids need diaper changes as we are walking out the door and I have to chase down the dog because he smells a rat when he gets the slightest hint we are leaving and somehow gets into the garage or out in the yard.

  24. Jessica Lomeli says:

    Same exact story in my house only in the time it takes me to wrangle the kids to get ready, and get myself ready, and packed for any eventuality… My husband STILL isn’t ready. You’d think I’d be used to it by now but it’s impressive how long he can take getting only himself ready to go. Ugh!!

  25. Cy says:

    Oh dear, are you married to my husband? He always disappear when it is time to get ready or sit on the sofa watching TV. We have only one kid, but it apaprently haven’t sunk in that yes when we go out we need toys, snacks, and she needs to get dressed, put in a diaper because I don’t trust her bladder control outside the house and that I get interrupted a million time when trying to get ready which makes it longer of course. And he is like “Why women need so much time to get ready?”
    Ummm because men apparently can’t find their kiddos crocs and slip them on their feet or locate a diaper?

  26. Mercy says:

    This is insanely true. I somehow manage to get myself and 3 kids ready to go anywhere, without forgetting anything, and be out the door on time. And always, hubby gets himself ready and then says “Let’s go!” when I’m not even dressed yet. At least he will willingly brush hair and help with shoes while I rush to get myself ready.
    As long as I tell him what needs to be done with each of the kids, he will help.

  27. Michelle says:

    I can totally relate. I think we need to leave our men “the list” while we head to the shower so he can have the kids ready and in the car in 30 min. Only problem is that he usually can’t find everything.

  28. Brandy says:

    Uh. I’m going to go start looking for hidden cameras because I SWEAR you’re quoting MY life!! My husband does precisely this. Except he sits in the car pouting about why it takes ME so long to get ready.

  29. Shawna says:

    My husband would always say, “But I don’t know what she needs,” to get out of helping. What do you mean, you don’t know? But maybe he really didn’t, because it seemed to help when he had to start getting our 2-1/2 year-old up and ready for daycare on his own a few mornings a week when I work outside of the home. We were talking about it the night before his first morning with her alone, and I was like, “You know you need to groom her, right?” He sort of paused, and looked at me, and said, “You better make me a list.” He still double checks that same list about 9 months later now. But at least he sort of knows what needs to be done before we all leave the house together now too!

    • neal says:

      I’m the majority care-giver for my toddler, but I’ve GOT to have lists. Without lists, I’d be wandering around like a clueless zombie. I just have a hard time keeping everything in my head at once.

      Without my list, I’m like, “Addison, we’re at Target. What are we supposed to be doing here?” And my two-year old’s like, “I need diapers, daddy.” Right, THAT’s why I just drove us here. I got distracted because I was thinking about robots.

      • Shawna says:

        Robots, huh? That makes sense and helps me understand what’s likely going on for my husband much of the time. Thanks! (And lists are good.) ๐Ÿ™‚

  30. RJ says:

    Oh yes. This is my world!! And same as other commenters, the husband has to poop just as we’re about to walk out the door! And why do they never see things like windows that need to be closed, or animal water bowls to be filled, or even grab the keys on the way to the car!!!

  31. Grown up kids says:

    All sentiments agreed with. But I loved the picture of you picking out an outfit from your closet…Purple dress : ) made me laugh.

  32. Pam says:

    omg. were you secretly videotaping me. this is totally my life (except replace Crappy Boy w/ a dog.. and a fight over a toy w/ a fight over Crappy Baby grabbing that dog’s tail)

  33. Sarah says:

    This happens all the time at my house. I actually help my husband choose a shirt, select what both kids get to wear, do my daughter’s hair, find all accessories, coordinate shoes and get snacks ready. Then my husband “lovingly” says, “I’ll help by getting the car started and we’ll wait for you in the car”. So which means, I get 2 minutes to put makeup, find a pair of shoes and find unstained clothing for our outing.

  34. Louise says:

    We are always late to church for this very reason. And somehow, as you mentioned, it’s always him rushing ME out of the house as if I’m holding everything up. HELLO!?!!? I just got three people PLUS myself ready to go. Ugh…..

    Glad to know it’s not just me.

  35. Kristie M says:

    I ALWAYS have to be early. Cuts down on traffic jam/unexpected pit stops anxiety. However every time I set a ‘time’ (we need to be out the door at 10) somehow my husband is running last minute errands at 10:01. Seriously. The laundry does not need to be loaded right now, the vacuuming can wait, the cats have enough DAMN FOOD TO LAST TWO HOURS!!!! Don’t get me wrong, great that he helps out with all the chores but I swear he does it at the most annoying time possible to ensure that I notice. Christ.

  36. SusieQ says:

    Oh so true. I get three kids ready, hubby takes them to the car and then sighs and rolls his eyes as I have to go to the loo in that 30 second window of opportunity. I jump into the car holding my make bag, having to do makeup in the car as always, and feel like a naughty child who didn’t allow enough time to get ready. EVERY time!

  37. Robonanny says:

    So familiar! My fiancรฉ is chronic for complaining I’m late but not contributing _anything_ to helping me and son get out of house on time!

  38. Mel says:

    Perfect! The only difference is that we have way more interruptions and disputes to sort out – and they always need you to find something NOW!

  39. Debbie says:

    My DH always suddenly has to respond to a really important work email. Every. Time.

  40. Alice says:

    In my house, my husband is called “disappearing daddy”. My 4 year old son will come to me and ask “has daddy disappeared again?” One day, I purposely disappeared to clear my head and I heard my son say “daddy, has mummy disappeared like you always do?”

    He is almost always on the toilet with his iPhone. If not the toilet, he is [insert hiding place here] with his iPhone ๐Ÿ˜

    MEN!

  41. Mine always has to ‘get the car ready’.

  42. Marie says:

    A few months ago we had all just gotten into the car when I realized I had forgotten something. My dear husband made a long suffering sigh as he got out of the car to unlock the house and turn off the alarm. It was the last of many such sighs. I flipped! We spent the next 10 minutes in stony silence as I wrote out everything I have to do to get out of the house. I then categorized things I can do while she’s napping vs things that have to be done right then and there (putting on coats – I almost never get mine on). And I read them all to him. And asked what he did to get ready to go – get coat on, put phone/wallet in pocket, walk out. The sighing has finally stopped.

  43. Mine actually feels the need to clean the house whenever it’s time to go somewhere, so we are often all ready and in the car while he finds random things to put away. Also, he always loses his glasses and wallet, so we spend a fair amount of time helping him find them. It’d be endearing if it wasn’t so annoying.

  44. Kim Q says:

    Haha! My husband disappears into the bathroom with a book for a half hour. I wonder at times if he thinks he is actually fooling anybody. It does not take ANYONE IN THE WORLD a half hour (sometimes longer) to go to the bathroom.

  45. Kim says:

    My husband usually dissappears to the bathroom, too. The main problem here is that we only have ONE bathroom, and he locks the door (generally with all the things his wife and daughters need to get ready inside on the counter) so then we have to do everything we can without the bathroom, and then brave it when he gets finished. THEN it takes him 20 minutes to pick out which baseball cap to take with him. He could be going out in a 3 pc suit and he’d still need to take a hat with him just in case.

  46. Kristin says:

    SO true. My husband does show up in time to get them into their car seats. Then he sits there with them, jokingly bitching about “Maman takes SO long to get ready!” He isn’t an a-hole, so he doesn’t honk the horn. But every time I finally make it to the car, both he and my 4.5-year-old are giving me a hard time. “Maman, why do you always take SO long to get ready? Why are you always last?! We beat you again!” Hardy freakin’ har.

  47. Bonnie says:

    My loving husband (of 3 years today) will watch tv, disappear into the basement or garage, or the bathroom, while I get myself and our 7 mo. twins changed and ready to go. Then, just as everyone and everything (toys, bottles, food, clothing, etc) is packed and the kids are buckled into their car seats and waiting by the door, he’ll appear and say that he’s going to run out to get gas and go to the car wash. “NOW?!?! you have to go NOW?!? you can’t do this with us in the car, or before while I was running around getting everything ready? NOW?!?!” Every. Time.

  48. TC says:

    It’s scary how this blog mirrors my life with my husband, 2 and 3 year old.

    • TC says:

      Oh! And my husband? He “helps” by packing the diaper bag and asking me what needs to go in it. This is always his job and yet after three years and two children he just can’t seem to remember what we need, so instead of doing it he comes to find me and asks me. About everything. So I am basically packing it through him every. time. lol

  49. maria says:

    Same in this house – every time. Thought it was only us so it helps a little to know I’m not alone. We don’t laugh about it though.

    Which is why last time we were invited to a birthday lunch as a family, we managed to turn only a little bit late – yay! but we were all extremely casually dressed…I was even wearing flip flops (at least they were black) because I had no time to even think about what I should wear. Everyone else there was dressed to the nines. I still cringe whenever I think of that day…

  50. My husband also plays the black hole of help trick. How do they only get swallowed when you need them and always reappear when food is ready?

  51. Julie H says:

    Holy cow I thought it was just our house! I somehow manage to get myself ready, our toddler ready, let the three dogs out to potty and crate them up, clean up the kitchen, and pack up our stuff all in the time it takes my husband to get himself ready. How is this humanly possible!? And of course I am “exaggerating” if I point this out to him.

  52. Todd says:

    Wow, a lot of man/husband haters here. I hope for their sake that you all divorce them and move on with your lives.

    In my house, I get everything ready ahead of time and we are still always late because my WIFE doesn’t disappear, but she starts doing weird, unrelated things. For example, we will have to be somewhere at 1pm, so I get all the kids’ *and my wife’s stuff* ready by noon. We are ready to go at 12:15pm and we will be there 20 minutes early. But just as I start getting the kids’ shoes on, my wife decides that now is the time to organize some obscure thing that can wait. Or now it’s the time to vacuum (which is weird because I did it earlier that day but she didn’t notice). Or now is the time to make a shopping list for an errand we aren’t going to do that day anyway. So, we always end up late anyway.

    But do I talk badly about her for it? Absolutely not. I would never say she is only good for making babies or that I trained her poorly.

    And women wonder why men give up. Look how you talk about them!!!

    • Jessica says:

      I read an interesting article recently (yes, this will tie in) which hypothesized that for centuries, women have lived in community with other women, each helping the others with raising the children, and providing emotional support. Now, however that more women are 1) working outside the home and 2) live prohibitively far from family members, we turn to blogs and other online material for community, support, and just to vent or roll our eyes. My two cents: There are inherent struggles with two people joining together to do something as all-consuming as raising a child(ren). I think most women would agree that each parent brings something unique to childrearing, and that the things that their baby-daddies (husbands, sig. others, ex-husbands, etc) contribute in very valuable ways. For me (and many women), laughing with other women over what appears to be a common frustration mans that I can be playful about it with my husband, rather than angry. I know my husband vents about his frustrations with me to other guys, and he knows that I have things to vent about. I personally think that it’s much healthier to vent during the height of the anger/frustration to a safe person and get to the point where you can laugh about it and approach it with your spouse in a constructive way (if needed) than it is to bottle it up, explode over it to your spouse, and do damage to the relationship.

    • Dodo says:

      This is just a wild guess Todd, but does your wife have anxiety issues? I find myself doing ridiculous things and then realizing that something about my outing is making me anxious and I am using (unconsciously, usually) avoidance tactics to put off leaving.

    • Emily says:

      Todd,

      I hear ya! I am a little surprised too! I do not have children yet but my fiance is amazing at helping me with little things now. I have faith I will be a successful parent because he will be there with me… you sound like a wonderful husband and father. Exactly what I know my fiance will be ๐Ÿ™‚ Love to All, Emily

      • Emily says:

        I DO know what you all are talking about though… my Daddy disappeared every time my Mom was trying to round up all 5 of us! LOL

  53. Sharon says:

    This is so funny and true. I like how you don’t put clothes on Crappy Baby until after they eat the final snack. I usually have everyone dressed and then they want a snack which gets all over them and then I have to change them or everyone decides it’s the perfect time for a bath and start stripping off their clothes.

  54. Heather says:

    The one thing missing from here is that, at least in my house, is that no matter how early the “getting ready” process begins, it always ends with 3 minutes remaining for mom to get ready. I could start getting us ready at 9am for a 3pm leave time, and it’s the same thing every time… can’t figure out how to make that better…. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Amanda 2 says:

      I was just about to post that the only thing to make this picture series more funny would be to add a clock in Frame #1 with it set at about 10am. By the time everyone snacks, poops, gets dressed, etc. it is going to be probably 15 minutes before you have to be somewhere and you have a 30 minute drive…no matter how long you have to ‘get ready’. Thankfully, my kids are now old enough to get their own drinks and snacks (mostly) ready for the car, and dress themselves. Even so, we’ll still be late.

  55. DeeDee says:

    Ditto about packing food for the trip and food while we get ready. I always have a cooler ready with everything at a moment’s notice with string cheese and fruit waiting on the sideline. He eats it all of course. When packing for trips I pack the food first and throw all the clothes in on top.

  56. Kathy says:

    I laughed out loud (and seethed silently) at this. But Shawna’s comment:

    ” โ€œYou know you need to groom her, right?โ€ He sort of paused, and looked at me, and said, โ€œYou better make me a list.โ€ ”

    Possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!

    How can my son be 2.5 and yet my husband still doesn’t know where half his clothes are in his room? Or that he will want something to do when we wait at the restaurant? How?

  57. Ella says:

    My husband does the same dissapearing act… so I got tired of it and now awlays have the clothes/sports/kits ready on a bench by the door at all times (refill the kits as soon as we get back home). When I yell ” we are leaving in 5 min” that means the kids have to go pee and put shoes on while I pack 4 bottles of water and a box of granola bars (or other pre-packed food like ziplocs of cereal or string cheese or mini-containers of applesauce that I have ready at all times). That’s it (no mushy food allowed… they don’t eat it anyway). And out the door. I used to spend so much time packing and never have any time to get ready… while hubby waiting in the car (what the???). Now I get myself ready, THEN anounce we’re leaving.

  58. sandra cristina zapata agon says:

    That happens to me all the time and I am always the one that takes toooo long getting ready, I donยดt know if my husbands doesnยดt realize that we have 2 little girls that need help getting ready, going to the bathroom, getting something to eat, and all those things you just wrote.

  59. Mama Nalyn says:

    you are so funny. I hope you post more often ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m hooked!

  60. Tanja says:

    This s my life… *sigh*… except add to that that after we’ve arrived wherever it is we’re going and it tuns out something’s missing from the diaper bag, DH is all “how come you didn’t bring ________?” while he sighs overbearingly at me.

  61. Shannon says:

    Hello my world!
    My hubby won’t get out of bed until 10 minutes before we need to leave the house. (This is with me repeatedly telling him it’s time to get up for the 2 hours that I’ve already been up) I will get two boys and and infant daughter up, fed, dressed, bags packed, car loaded, and myself ready all before his feet hit the floor. And then as I’m doing the last minute look around to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything, he is out in the car waiting for me. *Sigh*
    And Todd: Your wife is a very lucky woman and yes we do all love our husband’s. It’s just funny to us that someone else can relate and put show it to us in a comical way. That we are not the only one’s going through this, because *gasp* not all men are as thoughtful as you. If they were, this “Getting the kids out of the house” strip wouldn’t be here for us to laugh at together. So keep your snarky comment to yourself. These are the little things in life that drive us crazy and it’s nice to know that we are not alone. My husband is great at fixing things and takes care of the yard work no problem. I tell him regularly how much I appreciate it, but this is one of the things that chaps my ass and it’s nice to laugh with others.

  62. Erin says:

    Ohhhh this is totally how it goes at our house. My husband is always MIA while I am frantically trying to get everything and everyone ready to leave. And then, if we are running late he makes the comment “Jeesh, we can never get out of here on time”. Infuriating. He was probably on the can or making his mandatory Starbucks run just when it was time to go, but it’s my fault we’re a couple minutes late.

  63. Rachel says:

    Ha ha! I thought he was sleeping. That’s usually where my husband is when I’m busy being annoyed by the kids and can’t find him.

  64. Amy says:

    I have 3 kids (12-8) and I remember this all to well.They are easier to get ready if it is trips that are close to home. Except when we go on long trips mom gets stuck rounding EVERYTHING up. So I have decided that for now on I don’t care what my family looks like, they have to get all the stuff together without my help. There is gonna be a deadline date for dirty clothes. Don’t meet the deadline…no clean clothes for you. Is it wrong that I feel no shame in going thru with this? And why is it if we forget to pack something for a trip while dad is “busy”, he acts like that was the one thing we had to remember while he got the family ready? Sorry done ranting now, thanks!!

  65. Andrea Tolchinsky says:

    Well, my husband doesn’t disappear, he tries to help, but he has no idea what to do. It’s as if he doesn’t live with us. “Where are the girl’s clothes?” etc. etc. Then, he announces to them that it is time to go before I’ve had a chance to pack food, drinks, & clothes or get myself ready. Now the children are at the door saying “Car! We go car!!”. Everyone is melting down (including me) as I throw things in a bag and throw a rubber band around my hair.

    • Ashe says:

      I have been laughing (with tears in my eyes )to all of the above because I can totally relate. But I had to comment after yours because THIS is MY husband. Sweet man, he sure tries. We even joke together that he goes dumb at drive-through windows and ready-to-leave time. He’ll be a stellar daddy all day minus the marathon poops. (it’s so bad that if I see him going to the bathroom with reading material it becomes a race between him trying to make it to the door and me trying to grab said material ) but as soon as it’s time to go…blank. him: where are her shoes? Me: ask her. him:oh yeah. Where is his sippy cup? Me: ….ask him!. Him: oh yeah. Where —-me: honey if I haven’t told you to find it, it’s either packed, unnecessary, or obvious. Which one is it this time? Him: (pause) ……where are my pants? Me: *my head + wall*. Then the crowning glory is when he says let’s go and my middle child goes into a meltdown when I have to say WAIT! He does try and I so love him for it..But it proves that old adage…when you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.

  66. Tiff says:

    Haha my SO claims to be getting ready in the time I spend getting myself and two year old ready. You’re a dude ! Shirt, shorts, boxers, socks, shoes ! Clearly I’ve lapped him by getting a tot and myself ready in the same amount of time, right ?

  67. Tiff says:

    Oh, but I love when I sit around and wait for him to get ready, and I still beat him. Walk outside, buckle in the tot. Check the mail. Get bored and flip the car around in the drive way and open the door so he can drive in and we can speed off. Yep. It’s these points in my life when I realize how truly amazing I can be. Ha

  68. DefOAWife says:

    Story of my life! OMG!! This seriously happens every time and all I can think is “Where the hell is he and why is he NOT helping me?!” If he had to get the kids ready to leave the house I would be shocked if they had shoes on their feet some days ๐Ÿ˜›

  69. Pamela says:

    With 3 kids from 4 years old to 1 year old and one on the way my husband is not allowed to disapear at any time !! Otherwise he is a dead man so better for him to stay hidden LOL !
    But the bag is always ready except for the food and drinks that I have to prepare at the last minute and even with that it doesn’t take me hours. We are always on time and sometime we are the first one to arrive ^^

  70. Brandi says:

    At my house my husband usually starts the routine by reminding me that we need to start getting ready. Then he plops down on the couch with the laptop as I wrangle my child into clean clothes, force him to go potty, and get any “gear” we’ll need for the trip. After my 60 seconds to put on clothes, do makeup and hair, I announce we’re ready to go. My husband looks up as if he has no idea what I’m saying and is surprised (EVERY time!). Then we wait 15 mins for him because he decides he needs to shower, or shave, or can’t find his shoes! I swear it’s like I have 2 kids sometimes!

  71. Angela B. says:

    Glad to know this happens in other houses too!

  72. Jen says:

    I think there must be some “husband manual” somewhere that all men are required to memorize
    1) Bathrooms are for playing on your smart phone/iPad/laptop for at least 20-30minutes at a time in single bathroom homes.
    2)’Disappearing’ should only be put into play when Momma is frantically running around feeding/dressing the children. Do not help. Do not appear to notice she needs help. Ignore Loud sighs, pointed glances and huffed out frustrating breaths. Take this time to relax and formulate which version of “Honey, you are going to make us late” comments you would like to ply her with 3 minutes to go-time.

    argh!! I swear Amber, it is like you are living in my house the way you describe things!

  73. Jessica says:

    Ugh. Reading this post brought out some apparently latent anger… We just brought our first baby home about 2 months ago. My mom stayed with us for a few days, and one of the first times we tried to get out of the house to go out to dinner, my mom and I got in the car talking about how much work it is to try and get a newborn ready. What did my husband say?? “What do you mean? It only took 20 minutes!” No, my lovable dumbass – we’ve been trying to get out the door for 3 bleeping hours!! He’s now working about 100 hours/week, so I get frustrated that he doesn’t even know what needs to happen in order for us to leave (since we are rarely able to all go out), so he can’t/doesn’t help, and then still is annoyed when we are late. So then, I’m bitter that he isn’t around, annoyed that he doesn’t know what’s going on, and frustrated that he doesn’t just jump in to the trenches to figure it out like I had to. And yes, the argument could be made that, since it’s usually just me and the baby trying to get out, shouldn’t I be better at doing it in a timely manner? My response: when just the two of us leave, most likely I haven’t shaved my legs in multiple days, I’m wearing one of three nursing-in-public shirts (that probably has spit up on it), my dry-shampoo-ed hair is in an icky ponytail, and I’m lucky if I have concealer and/or mascara on. Ok, so maybe the anger is not so much latentโ€ฆ

    • S says:

      I hear ya. Something a stay-at-home parent/caregiver of a new baby can truly understand: physical stress (recovering from pregnancy and childbirth, sore boobs if lady), mental stress (ditto, plus being a new parent).

      Anyhow, it gets better as the baby grows older and wants to help. At least, mine does.

  74. Andrea says:

    I think my husband eats a secret, specially designed diet that produces a toxic gas that enables him to be left alone in the bathroom, with his book, for 30 minutes at a time. Nobody dares bother him for fear of dying within the gas chamber. He, of course, is immune to his own gases. I have yet to perfect this diet. And if I ever did, I am sure my own off-spring (and the damn pets!) would naturally be immune because I am the mom and they might need me. It’s just like in nature…….the male is more colorful, stands out. The female blends in with nature so she can hide and take care of her children. It sucks. We’re sucker punched from the get-go. It starts with the womb and the breasts and continues for the rest of our lives! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • Ceri says:

      I think there is a secret fan that pumps it out of the bathroom when they are in there and in to the hall. OMG I have no idea how they do not know how bad it is. I am dry heaving, and he like what? Lite a fricking match! Better yet, lite 10 of them!!!

  75. bethany eskro says:

    Always. Every. Single. Time. He’s either in the crapper or he’s using the computer or playing a game on his ipod. My favorite is when HE has the audacity to complain about how much work it is to get out of the house. But, I love him anyway ๐Ÿ™‚

  76. Brigitte says:

    Yep, same at our house.
    There is also the “lather the sunscreen” on the kids which I have to do because we have the mineral sunscreen that’s hard to apply and our Crappy Papa just leaves it for me. And last but not least, it’s the killer sentence “We’ll be waiting in the car” which means that I have lost the getting ready race!

  77. Kathy says:

    This would be funnier to me if it weren’t an ongoing source of resentment in our house. I think all married moms in the U.S. should go on strike to protest dads not doing their fair share of parenting work during the hours they’re at home. We could all go on strike at the same time. Say, for a weekend. THAT would be funny. ๐Ÿ™‚

  78. Heather says:

    My husband is notorious for yelling “we need to go” then doing some random chore while we all sit and wait for him in the car. One time I told him we weren’t going to wait for him and drove off. I have never seen him so mad, lesson learned.

  79. Maggie says:

    OH MY GOSH!!!! This was my exact situation today! EXACT!!!! Ugh…where DO Crappy Papa’s go???? LMAO!!!

  80. Hannah says:

    I see that Crappy Papa also didn’t change his own outfit. You’re putting lipstick on and he’s still in Jeans and T-shirt. Exactly the same in our household.

    Also in reply to ther people’s comments abot blokes disappearing to the loo… I’ve decided what is good for the goose is good for the gander and purposely take time out when i need it by sitting on tge loo.

  81. Cassandra says:

    My hubby does the same thing!

  82. Rachel says:

    This is our house too, except wrestling my nearly three year old into clothes takes at least half an hour. By the time the kids and I are ready, I’m sweating. Then just as I’m hurrying everybody into shoes, the other half will reappear and announce he’s just going for ‘a quick shower’ (which means half an hour, at least) and will be ready ‘in a minute’. Argh!

  83. Hailey says:

    Time for you to start disappearing at inopportune times as well. Just claim “lady issues” and you’re all clear. If he argues at all, start giving him some details of the various “lady issues” you’re facing. Pretty sure you won’t be bothered again.

  84. Heather C says:

    “It’s like he doesn’t live here”

    Hahahahahaha, so true. “Where are the boy’s clothes?”

    “Oh, those. I keep them conveniently in the attic under old paint cans. Seriously?!??! They’re in a dresser in their room, where else would they be?”

    Same goes for snacks (snack cupboard) juice cups (cup cupboard) shoes (shoe rack)..you get the idea. It’s not hard.

  85. Jen says:

    Uhg, been there! Everyday! They do always disappear don’t they… and then we get blamed. I think I went almost 2 years without wearing make-up because there was never time left for me with 2 under 2. Thankfully they are 3 and 1 now… makes it easier…. until another baby comes along.

  86. Naomi says:

    When my husband was young and brave he used to STAY IN BED and let me get the kids ready all by myself and then roll out with five minutes to go, get ready in three minutes and then give us a hard time about being late.

    I think a few years of me perfecting my laser death glare on his arse has improved things. Plus me pulling the covers off him, yelling “Let’s go! You are on food!” and then every thirty seconds yelling out “Stay on task family!” has radically improved our leaving time.

    However I feel like a field marshall, and now when we leave the house the kids will sometimes crouch down and run to the car yelling “Go! Go! Go!” Smartie pantses.

  87. emily g says:

    This is all too true … And I find it hilarious that the newly coined term “inconvenient shitter” already had an abbreviation halfway through the comments. LOL – LMAO – OMG- WTF – I.S!!!
    New mom speak, “I have one DD, one DS and one I.S.”

    Haha. I love everyone here. So Much!!! <3

  88. Melissa says:

    Yes yes yes – this is is how it goes at our house with 3 yr and 1.5 yr girls and tired, slow pregnant mama. Apparently this is the best time for DH to visit the toilet for 15-20 min of uninterrupted bathroom time, I should add. What I wouldn’t give to have even 5 min of private bathroom time! Ok, sometimes DH helps out quite a bit, gotta give him some credit!

  89. ABM says:

    PS: what the hell size houses do you people live in, I couldn’t “disappear” in this house even with a +10 Cloak of Invisibility and Boots of Stealth.

  90. Heidi says:

    Oh man. I was just commiserating with a friend about how it’s supposed to be easier to get everyone ready to go somewhere on the weekend, when there’s two of us to do it, but the reality is, we still wind up getting everybody ready. Our husbands don’t exactly disappear, they just seem to take six times as long to do anything: “Honey? Where’s the sunscreen/pants/snacks?” We’ve resigned ourselves. It’s just how they are, because they’re not doing it every day.

  91. Lauren says:

    Haha! That’s perfect! My son is so needy when it’s time to go, and my husband totally disappeared every time… until I heartily suggested a deal where he gets child ready and I get stuff ready. Our marriage is oh so much stronger for it!

  92. S says:

    Scene: Baby prepped, travel bag prepped.
    Husband: I’m ready. Are you ready?
    Me: Have you got your phone?
    Husband: Oh crap. [searches for phone. finds phone.] I’m ready.
    Me: Have you got your ipod?
    Husband: Oh crap. [searches for ipod. finds ipod.] I’m ready.

    I swear, if my husband wasn’t so charming, his disorganisation could really bug my bear.

    Actually, I’d settle for him appreciating my nagging.

    In the meantime, the conclusion to the above script:
    Me: Drat. Where’s my car and house keys?

  93. Ceri says:

    These comments had me laughing as hard as the post. So so so true. all of it.

  94. Aimee says:

    my husband does this too. we only have one child at the moment, but i am always fully responsible for packing extra diapers, clothes, toys, food, not to mention getting myself ready. then he says, are you ready, we’re gonna be late. it makes me want to hit him. sometimes i’ll tell him to do something to help me, but it usually requires such detailed instruction that it’s faster and easier to do it myself.

    • Jenn says:

      I agree that sometimes it’s easier to do it yourself! I always want to slap myself when I dare ask my husband to help. ‘Where are their shoes? Where is the bag? Where are the diapers?’ And then he wants me to physically find it for him. Or I’m trying to do something else, but then I have to take the time to think about where my son’s shoes and shorts are, and it would have been easier to grab them myself!

      And the worst is when I give him an hour warning. I’m running around like a crazy woman trying to get me and two kids ready, dogs outside and fed and watered, and everything packed while he calmly sits on the iPad or his phone for 45 minutes. I give a 15 minute warning and he looks up like a deer in headlights and says, “Uh, will you pick out my clothes? I gotta go jump in the shower.” To which I give a huge death glare and bark, “Do I look like I have time to pick out your clothes?!” But then I know if I don’t, he will take a 15 minute shower, 10 minute shave, 10 minutes to do whatever else he does in the bathroom (look in the mirror for ages?!), 10 minutes to find clothes, 5 minute to hunt down shoes and a belt, 5 minutes to hunt down keys, etc. So then we are 15-30 minutes late leaving the house (usually to church) and as soon as we start pulling out of the driveway he says, “We are so late, do you think we should just watch it online today?” NO I DON’T want to watch church online. If I did I wouldn’t have spent an hour/2 hours getting the kids up and ready, getting myself ready, and getting you ready! By God, I don’t care how late we are we are GOING to CHURCH!

      Add this scenario to anywhere we go, and you have our life. What’s worse is that if I go ahead and get in the car with the kids, he will take even longer because I’m not inside to find things for him and nag him to leave. And he’s notorious for FINALLY getting ready and getting in the car, and having to race back in the house once or twice to grab random items.

      URGH!

  95. Holly says:

    Well girls that was quite funny. You must all be really good mama’s and wives! I never gave a crap when any of my husbands were crapping. I didn’t ask them to help me with the kids either. Getting the kids ready to go was the best part of this story. I remember that well. Now I just call one of my daughters up and say get the kids ready pack a bag and cleam em up. I’m comming to get them and give you a break. I let them know weather it’s just a few hours or an over nighter. I don’t take a man with me. They are too much trounble. Grandma Holly

  96. Amanda Reed says:

    My husband has gotten much better about this stuff, years later. But he still occasionally disappears to check and refill the oil or change a headlight bulb. Why couldn’t he have done that when he got home the day before??

  97. April K. says:

    Oh. Em. Gee….. I am SO happy to know that I’m not the only one with this problem( and most of the others in the comments)! I’ve talked about these exact things to so many friends & family and they all look at me like I’m insane! My husband is infamous for either sleeping in or watching TV until the very last minute(but before going to bed the night before gives me a big speech about how he’s getting up & going extra early…hahaha) while I’m frantically trying to get myself and 3 kids ready & packed, then right about when I”m about to get everyones shoes on he decides he “could probably use a shower after all”! WHY???? I cannot even imagine how he would react if I did that! On the very rare occurance he does actually help(ie:after 30 min of me mumbling, maybe not so quietly, “No no honey, don’t actually DO anything to help. Just sit there, relax and watch TV while I lose my mind…wouldn’t want you to strain yourself) he has absolutely NO CLUE what to do. I seriously cannot understand how after being a parent for nearly 7 yrs, he still for the life of him does NOT know that we need to pack diapers & wipes in the diaper bag and that our children must be wearing CLEAN (and preferably matching, but I’ll take what I can get) clothes!!! He also has a hard time remembering to feed them, which I don’t get and kind of scares me if I’m gone. He will always feed himself 1st, no matter what. I have the opposite problem and regularly forget to feed myself all day. I know I sound really angry and like I must not like him much, but honestly this is pretty much the ONLY thing he does that bothers me. We never fight, are still very much like teenagers in love, he regularly helps with cooking & cleaning, he’s amazing with our children (besides packing & feeding..hehe) and constantly is making time in his schedule to do special things for all of us. Something that a lot of the other comments talked about their husbands doing all of the time is something I am TOTALLY guilty of daily, sometimes several times a day. I absolutely hide in the bathroom for 10-30 min at a time with my phone or a magazine! Hubs has never said anything about it but, it must drive him insane after reading the other comments. No, I am not always actually ‘going’ the whole time, but as a stay at home mom with 3 young kids and a hubby that works 6-7 days/week with long hours, most times my “potty breaks” are the only alone time I get. My bathroom time is precious to me and I savor every quiet second in there. When I stop to think about how ridiculous my love for doing nothing in a bathroom of all places is, all I can do is laugh! Someday when my children have grown, I will think of all these little daily annoyances and miss them dearly……until then I’ll be hiding in the bathroom:)

  98. DadHere says:

    ok, so my wife made me read this (do you think she was sending a message?) Actually, I laughed pretty hard, this is a great blog. But in fairness, if it were left up to us, most of us would just throw the kids in the car and go. So it is difficult for us to gather the enthusiasm required for all that prep work. Would the kids be dirty, hungry and uncomfortable? Probably. But they would probably survive. Amongst dads we justify it by saying that it builds character.

  99. Jim says:

    Not to be controversial but… there are clearly trends here. Instead of asking what is wrong with your husbands ask what behaviors of your own might be contributing to the behavior. In my house, as much ask I try to help, I am routinely told that I picked the wrong clothes or food or toy. Almost always any effort I make is not satisfactory so my wife undoes everything I did and does it herself. I fail to see the value in going through that exercise each time so yeah… disappearing might actually speed up the process and result in less frustration. Additionlly, us guys do have things to worry about that you might not be worry about before leaving the house: check the oil in the car, empty the dehumidifier in the basement, do I know the directions for where we are going, did the dog get fed, etc. There are always other things to be concerned with when leaving the house and since we clearly dont do the kid-prep to your liking me might as well defer to these other tasks. Just one man’s perspective.

    • Another Dad/Husband says:

      I completely agree with you. More often than not I have gotten in trouble for ‘doing it wrong’ when I try to help get kids ready, so naturally I defer to other tasks. On the plus side, after having three kids, my wife has loosened up a bit and is happy to get my help in whatever way it comes, with much less pickyness, so I’m much less afraid to help now.

      Think about the last time you may have mowed the lawn or helped with a ‘guy’ task. You may have experienced the same thing if you didn’t do it just the way your husband likes it done, and have found yourself not wanting to help with that task anymore. I catch myself doing this sometimes – I try my best to avoid it, but it happens to the best of us!

      We really do want to help, but we just want you to accept our help as it comes. If some training is needed to help us do it right, be patient and nice about it. It goes a long way, and you’ll be amazed at how much we can help. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • MJK says:

      Gentlemen, I raise this early afternoon beer to you! I fought this fight with husband #1, which then resulted in him never doing anything because he always did it wrong. I asked myself if I wanted to be right or happy. In the end, I chose both, but I digress. With husband #2, I’ve learned to accept his help as it comes along. It doesn’t matter if the dishes don’t go in the right spot, or if he relocated something of mine that I had meant to leave sitting in the middle of the floor, (for real this time), because he’s helping. At least that’s what I remind myself of every time I find the glass mixing bowls in with the Tupperware. Oh, and I mow the lawn in our house. He doesn’t do it right. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  100. Karen says:

    It’s not often that the comments are as hilarious as the post, but today, they are! I’m crying here…

  101. Greta S says:

    Hahahaha. Glad to know I am not alone! My husband does this EVERY TIME WE GO OUT. Especially if I am stressed and in a hurry.

  102. Jamie says:

    This. Is. My. Husband!!! Every time we leave the house this is EXACTLY how it goes!!! Are you spying on us?!?!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  103. Jen says:

    YES. A thousand times yes. And to the lengthy bathroom breaks, too. I too have suggested he go to the doctor because there is no way this can be normal!

  104. LeahM says:

    You just described my exact scenario for trying to get out of the house on time. And those cars are really something. I mean, really. What do they get out of arguing about them and how can it be that your attention in telling them to take turns is that fulfilling?

  105. sarah says:

    i wish we could “like” comments here like on fb. All these are funny. Have definitely experienced the inconvenient sh*tter! its because boys are not capable of holding it. period.

  106. Kate says:

    My husband ALWAYS uses our getting ready time for his “I have to use the bathroom for 30 minutes time”. Grrrr. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Kate
    http://www.justdelivered.net

  107. Lisa says:

    I have to say, when I am home with the kids by myself and need to go somewhere, I can get all 3 of us ready and out the door on time. When my husband is home, we are always late… WTF?!

  108. Tina says:

    This is my life except when we get in the car my husband always has to run back in the house.

  109. Caitlin says:

    This sounds like my life, and my moms! It is such a running joke in our household we named the condition… “Hysterical Bowel Syndrome.”

  110. Rachel S. says:

    nice to know it not just me this happens to, even down to the “I had to check something” LOL

  111. Christina Medei says:

    HA! I thought I was the only one with a disappearing husband! Never fails! I never get more than 2 minutes on the toilet and even then I get kicked off atleast twice for an emergency pee peeing kid! Can’t understand how he takes FOREVVVVVVVERRRR but always reappears two minutes before we walk out the door! ahhhh!….. And yes I have three girls and they take forever to get out the door but Im always the one “making us late” because Im the last to throw clothes on and thats all he sees! grrrrr…

  112. Angela E says:

    Wow. Just wow. I thought this was just my husband and dad. Mom and I laugh about this now and it never fails. Leaving for vacations, especially when there isn’t a plane involved, never fails. My husband and I left 6 hours after our intended time on a road trip once because of all the things he procrastinated on. I was ready at 8 am, as planned (I was also pregnant). We left at 2 pm.
    But the craziest was the time when I was a kid. Dad would always forget something and go back in the house. I don’t know how long Mom, Sis, Bro and I waited in the car, maybe 1/2 hour? Finally Mom sent Bro in to investigate. Turns out my tall father had hit his head on a chin-up bar in a doorway and been knocked out while we had been in the car!!! Thankfully he was okay, but Mom did drive the first part of that trip!
    Good luck with all the I.S. husbands and disappearing acts. It’s wonderful to know we’re not alone in the insanity.

  113. Janine S. says:

    Thank you Amber for making me laugh…you tell your stories as if you are in my head!

  114. Emily S. says:

    How is it that I can get 4 small people and myself dressed, fed, packed and out the door (including 11 potty breaks, 2 re-wardrobing situations, dishes, various car/doll disputes, homework and backpacks matched to person…) and the hubster is still putting on that oh-so-complicated polo t-shirt? But, I do agree with [someone] that having the help tends to take muuuuuuch longer or end up just wrong. And don’t get me started on bedtime. If I leave my hubby to put the kids to bed, they’ll be sleeping in their clothes, in random places, having not used the restroom (guess who does the laundry?), let alone brushed their teeth. Seriously, it’s more than just not trying. It must be purposeful.

  115. Dawn says:

    Classic! Only thing missing from the script at our house is that the child that is in diapers will poop at the very last possible minute, right while I’m in the middle of loading all the other kids / stuff in the van….

    • Jen says:

      Yes. Sudden poop attack. Thank you for the reminder. We’re going to the pediatrician today and saying her name is like instant laxative to my children. Usually on arrival, but occasionally as soon as we get in the check-up room. Enclosed space. You aren’t supposed to put poo in their trash in there…

    • Katie says:

      Yup, that too. Our daughter decides to poop (just like dad, I guess!) right when we need to leave. Sometimes I just put her in her carseat if I know we won’t be in the car longer than 10 minutes. I’d rather just change her when we arrive. She doesn’t care about having a poopy diaper, so it works out! I changed her poopy diaper at the doctor’s office 2 days in a row because she went right when we needed to leave.

  116. Amy says:

    Love it. I guess I should take comfort knowing so many other people experience the exact same thing. I will try to remember this next time and see if it lowers my blood pressure. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  117. Jen says:

    As usual, the post rings a little to close to home. The comments are cracking me up as well, but my husband isn’t pooping either. He takes his time getting ready and also “checks” on things. About the time I’m super flustered, he reappears and asks things like, “Did you pack diapers? Wipes?” Of course! I’m not an amateur! When we arrive he’ll ask if we packed something special. “Did we forget the minty chapstick?” Yes WE did. Sigh.

  118. Sarah says:

    I swear this must be a tidbit of wisdom passed down from father to son, generation to generation, when a son gets married or has his first child, whichever happens first.

    “Son, now I have something important to teach you. Anytime you need a break or if there is something to be done around the house or with the that you don’t want to help with, go take a shit. Sit in there for a long time. Nobody bothers a guy taking a shit, so just hang out. Make sure you have something to read, or you’re going to get really bored. Hunting and fishing magazines are what’s expected, but really, read whatever you want. Remember, all men do this, it’s what’s expected of you so that women will just come to believe that all men take forever to take a crap and that’s the way it is.”

    LOL

    It’s works for women too! Just grab a magazine, grab your tummy and say “Oooh, my tummy hurts.” *Hold up magazine* “I’m going to the bathroom, I might be in there a while.” When you’re done, flush the toilet and spray air freshener to make it seem like something happened. Works for me every time!

  119. Sarah says:

    *with the kids

  120. Anastasia says:

    OMG yes!
    My husband can come up with 1,000 excuses as to why he can’t help right then. So I get the kids ready, and try to pull myself together and in the meantime the toddler is running around the house like a madman on crack, and the baby is screaming from being in her carseat already and my husband is checking his webcomics. And gets upset when I tell him we HAVE to go now! Because he was only onine in the first place because he was waiting on ME to get ready. Ugh. Men.

    • Tarina says:

      Right!? Like getting ready for him means finding his shoes and getting ready for us somehow includes every other breathing being in the house – including pets, because god forbid the animals need a last time out or something…. *fists of fury!!!*

  121. Bex says:

    Yep. My kids know, any time Dad can’t be found, he’s in the toilet. Or ‘moving the cars’. The man must have either the bladder of a hummingbird or the bowels of a rabbit, the amount of time he’s in there. Seriously.

  122. Kirsty says:

    This would have to be one of the only post where I have not thought ‘has Amber got cameras inside my house and is she really writing about my crazy family?’. My hubby is one of the freaky fast as lightning poo-ers, he eats heaps of veggies & fruit and of this im very thankful cos it means we get out of the house on time!

  123. Tarina says:

    LOL — my husband is the same as far as disappearing, though not usually to the bathroom until we are all in the car and then he goes back inside… No, when we are leaving, we have 3 toddlers and a pre-teen to get ready. The oldest is easy of course, get some form of drawing pad or gameboy and sit on the couch, dont forget your socks and shoes. Done. Basically, he gets ready and then HE is on call to help me once his father pulls a Houdini. The 3 yr old needs clean clothes, socks, shoes, hair brushed and “cut” (he likes to wet his hair down and calls it cutting his hair) – along with his 2 yr old twin sisters who need the same, minus the water, plus clean diapers. They also need toys for the car, changes of clothes… everything you described in your post! snacks for the car and/or destination, clean cups that start filled and are all emptied by the time daddy reappears to finally leave… As soon as I start working on one kid, he does something like start hunting down matching shoes, and that literally takes him 45 minutes to find 3 pairs of shoes that are all in a heap in the entryway. We could trade… I could find the shoes in under5 minutes. And he might have changed A diaper. I really just don’t understand this phenomenon. Then, like you said… it’s OUR fault we are leaving late, because we should have started sooner if it was going to take so long. Eff you, mister. Eff you.

  124. jenni bennett says:

    Okay, this is one of those scary posts for us girls who do not yet have kids and are getting married this year… They really disappear like that!?!

    • Emily says:

      You better believe it.

    • Lindsay says:

      Sadly, yes. And the other thing is that kids will let dad disappear – or they will completely leave him alone even in plain site while playing a video game. No “where’s daddy?” every two minutes.

      But if moms try to disappear into a room to fold laundry or bathe, the kids want to go to. Or you hear “Where’s mama?” over and over again. And if you try to even watch five minutes of a show the kids will decide that is now the room they want to do their acrobatics show in for you.

      haha. Well, at least I feel loved. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Ms Burrows says:

      They do. All the time. But they will also generally do the really gross stuff like unclog toilets without too much grumbling. He was also pretty handy the time I encountered a giant opossum hissing at me from behind the water heater. So, they have their uses. ๐Ÿ™‚

  125. Jay says:

    OMG! My husband new thing he has to do is “check the weather” for wherever we are going. So, seriously, it CANNOT take 15 freaking minutes to do this.

  126. Emily says:

    You just described my life, perfectly. My favorite is when I get done and he isn’t ready at all, and I end up having to wait for him. The other scenario that I love is when I have gotten everyone in the car, and once again we are waiting for him. I never understand how the guy that does nothing but get himself ready is the last one out the door.

  127. I find it very cute because of the drawings and interesting because of the story in every drawings. Seems like this kid has a future in witting great stories in the future.

  128. Ms Burrows says:

    When I’m especially frantic, I track my husband down. He’s usually sitting at the computer or reading a book half dressed. “I’m just waiting for you!” Unless he has explicit instructions, which I have to track him down for, because he will not ask, he is always “just waiting for me”.

  129. Susan says:

    Scrolling through the comments, it’s interesting to see how many people report that the husband deserts them when it’s time to perform this annoying task of getting the kids all ready to exit the house. Why is this a systematic problem? What’s up with the division of home labor between the sexes?

  130. Cindy says:

    How DO you do it? All the way down to the masterfully done “disappearance of the husband”.

  131. Kali says:

    Oh my word. I have a great hubby but this is so him! And yes he take 3 times longer to get ready in the morning, then mentions how slow our firstborn son is. Hmm wonder where he got it from?! And taki g a long time to poo.. Yup, that’s my DH AND my son! My daughter and I are both quick granted, my dh takes his iPhone in there and my five yr old reads novels on the potty… He has been on it for literally an hour before!

  132. Fern says:

    This weekend my husband hit a new low by actually calling our telephone company to discuss lower rates as I was doing all the things you just described. When I caught him, he just pointed guiltily to the phone like, โ€œwhat can I do?โ€

  133. Ingabish says:

    My theory on why guys have to poop just before going anywhere is that they don’t want to poop in public toilets. My partners refuses to poop in public toilets. Something about men’s toilets being really gross.

    And yeah he always desperately needs to go at the most inopportune time, like when I need help down to the car. Like drop everything he needs to go NOW can’t they tell its coming?

  134. Sarah Jane says:

    HAHAHAHA I cannot stop laughing!!! This is our household to a tee!!! This happens every single time!! HAHA You crack me up so much love your work!! ๐Ÿ˜€

  135. Daniella says:

    Our second daughter is a month old, oldest is 22 months… And for a little while my partner has been asking if he can buy an iPad… Thank you, I now know what it is for and am saying NO. Although the last time I said no, I found him with the laptop in the bathroom.
    Also, it’s not just husbands, my brother in law poops with his laptop, and he is single with no children

  136. The Dude says:

    Hey Ladies,
    Quit blogging and get back in the kitchen. What are your kids doing!?! Better check that out too!

  137. Rachel Bruins says:

    Love your blog! Makes me smile every time. It isn’t just our household then! Phew! And yes, the car engine’s usually revving outside whilst I try to gather what I need for ME on a day out…

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