Fantasy Parenting Wish List

I like to fantasize about things that could make my life easier as a parent. 

You might think I’m going to say how great it would be to have mute, pause and sleep buttons installed on my children. 

Nope. My kids are perfect. It is the rest of the world that needs to change.

Here is my fantasy parenting wish list…

#1 Goodbye Daylight Saving Time 

Anything that makes it more difficult to get my kids to sleep is not my friend. 

There is a mistrust of bedtime:


Yes, I should just buy blackout curtains. I know. Each year I tell this to myself and each year I find myself flinging blankets over the windows. 

#2 Autopilot Setting in My Car

Every once in a while, my kids will fall asleep in the car. Like both of them, at the same time!

To get them to stay asleep I have to keep driving around. And this is why I want an autopilot mode in my car. Just a button on the dashboard. 


Once they fall asleep, I’ll hit autopilot and then I can sleep too!

Or maybe what I actually want is a driving robot, like this:


Although I guess having someone drive for you is just called hiring a chauffeur. I can’t afford to hire a chauffeur right now so I think my only option is to build the robot myself.

(Once I build this robot I will start selling them. Everyone will buy my driving robot. It will be an incredible success. Finally I’ll be able to afford to hire a chauffeur! Then I’ll have to choose between using the robot that I invented and hiring an actual human chauffeur. That will be a very hard decision to make. What will I do? Oh the stress.)

No. Autopilot is the way to go here. 

#3 Standard Measurements & Sizes of Kids’ Clothes


I want the baby clothing industry to just pick some standard sizes and measurements. I really don’t think baby clothes have to be this complicated. Especially when the baby is only going to wear them twice.

No more of this 0-12 months versus 3-6 months versus 3-9 months bullshit. Especially when any one of those could be larger than the others, depending on the brand.

Related: I also dislike baby socks. 

#4 Toys Come Alive At Night

Let’s make toys come to life at night. Wouldn’t that be awesome?


Why would it be awesome and not just creepy?

They’d put themselves away each night. Oh yes.  


I’m totally willing to deal with the creepy factor in exchange for toys that put themselves away. 

#5 No Candy Machines in Stupid Places

I’m not one of those anti-candy parents. I love candy. Candy is yummy. Candy is little brightly colored morsels of happiness in my mouth. 

But. Candy machines cause me pain. They are usually in places where they are maximally inconvenient, like the library or hardware store. The candy inside them sucks. I rarely have coins. And thousands of hopeful kids fondle the crank leaving it covered with germs. 


Just once I’d like to be able to run an errand without having to threaten to leave without Crappy Boy because he is too busy making out with the gumball machine.

What is on your fantasy parenting wish list? 


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283 Responses to Fantasy Parenting Wish List

  1. Heather Bridges says:

    Yes, I agree with all of these. Except driving since my kids never fall asleep even in the car anymore.

  2. Coral says:

    Oh, I think you hit the nail right on the head with this one!

  3. amy k. says:

    LMFAO at the making out with the gumball machine. My daughter does that too and I’m all, OMG, get your mouth off it!

  4. Heather says:

    I’m first in line for the driving robot! It would make the long trips to the grandparents house a lot less painful!

  5. Lisa Lutes says:

    The clothes thing drives me nuts. My 2 1/2 year old daughter just outgrew a pair of size 4 pants and a size 12-18 month pair at the same time.

  6. Rebekah says:

    Love this! I would also add: food that looks and tastes like french fries and chicken nuggets but is actually good for them – like broccoli and real chicken. My kids won’t eat unless it’s french fries and chicken nuggets.

  7. KelleyD says:

    Candy and impulse toy displays that are not right at kids’ eye level.
    And while we are standardizing infants clothes, let’s just go ahead and do kids’ clothes in general AND women’s clothing. None of this size 14 fits in one brand, but to buy a different brand you need a size 18 crap. Very frustrating and depressing.
    oh, oh! and a homing device for sippy and snack cups! so when the toddler wanders off with his sippy of milk or juice and returns without it you don’t have to turn the house upside down to find it lest you be stuck finding a science project later *gag* the homing device could be used on lovies as well. I am so tired of ransacking my kindergartener’s bedroom to find his wee little Curious George stuffie so he can go to bed at night!

    • Kristin says:

      I love the homing device for snack cups! My son is only 8 mos old though, so I want it for his pacifier 😉

      • Amy says:

        I would love a pacifier tracker also. I have bought like 50 of those things and can never find one when he is having a meltdown.

        • Michelle M says:

          I always wanted a homing device for my little one’s pacifier too! I bet we also bought (at least) 50 of them, yet never seemed to have one when we needed it. However since he was weaned almost two years ago, I still find them in the oddest places. I’m trying not to think about the obvious fact that this says something about my housecleaning habits ….. 🙂

    • Lacey says:

      My LO love hiding his half-filled milk cups. Since I now have to deal with a pre-bedtime melt down if I take the time to try to hunt it down, and I don’t have any energy AFTER the bedtime routine to toss the room looking, I often don’t find them for days 🙁 I would definitely pay for tracking devices!
      (My guy was never into pacifiers, but I have friends who are trying to wean their daughter off of them… and hide one away only to have her appear a few minutes later with another one. They think she was strategically stashing them all these months in preparation for this day….)

  8. Jillian says:

    I would invent a diaper changing robot….and a cooking robot…and a wake up 3 or 4 times a night to feed the baby robot… 🙂

  9. deneen says:

    the clothing size issue never really goes away (POP! sorry, was that your bubble?!LOL!) esp for BOYs (POP!POP!) … and i hear ya on the germy candy machines …. my kids are 13, 12, and 9 now & when we go to hockey my 9 yr old is the candy machine whisperer – she can telepathically make candy come out of those damn machines – i usually need to have beer to calm myself – all those germs and grubby hands – ewwww!!!!

  10. ammie says:

    Ah, with gas prices I cringe every time I have to keep driving! I ate my drive thru chic fil a in the driveway of my house last friday just to keep baby asleep in the running car.

    • amber says:

      I’ve done that. Too many times!

    • Tricia says:

      I always shut the car off and hope that my crinkly wrappers don’t wake my daughter up. Usually if she makes it all the way to the driveway and cutting the engine, we’re all good. Gotta keep the radio on though for some background noise. Unfortunately a lot of the time it’s baby lullabies.

    • elin says:

      Car time in the garage (turned off of course, radio up) is great mommy time. Magazines, books, texting. I use it to the fullest… I would just go inside, but then I would have to clean something…

    • Cressa says:

      my kids would always wake up in the drive thru.. so if they fall alseep in the car, I just have to starve… but, I could sometimes park in the garage and have them stay asleep..

  11. Rebecca says:

    I would like a little machine (or slave) that washes, sterilises and makes up bottles. And then repeats the process as required.

    Oh, by the way, it’s chocolate, not candy 😉


    • Laura says:

      Yes! I’m all for Indentured servants.. they should be the new rage. Everyone needs one these days.. and with the economy the way it is, well, it would seem easier. 😉 A girl can dream.

    • Sonia Bailey says:

      I’d settle for one that would empty my nappy bucket, wash, dry and assemble the nappies for me… while keeping me well supplied with calorie free chocolate…

    • sarah says:

      Rebekkah….there are machines for that,your breasts -and it’s free too 😉

      • Elle says:

        Not all breasts function properly. So lay off the guilt. It’s rough enough without someone rubbing it in your face. Can’t we women just stand together without judging each other?

  12. Céline says:

    Auto-meals, they prepare, serve and clean by them-selves. They are healthy and the kids go “Yay!” when they sit at the table.

  13. Kelly says:

    “Just once I’d like to be able to run an errand without having to threaten to leave without Crappy Boy because he is too busy humping the gumball machine.”

    Best line, ever. 🙂 So true!

  14. Amanda says:

    Oh the candy machines … those things are horrible! And you get, what, 5 M&Ms? And they are always in the doors and of course they are invisible when you enter because no one ever screams for candy when you have two free hands (on a good day). No, you have to have 2 cranky children, 12 grocery bags, and a buggy that feels like it’s been through a coal mine and filled up (especially with that one squeaky wheel).

  15. Leigh says:

    Yes! I especially agree with the candy in stupid places. I love trying to keep my 2 year old from eating every package of candy in the check-out line while I am paying for groceries…

    • Laura says:

      I keep a bag of skittles in my purse for my son. So I can lead him away from whatever has caught his eye. It’s like magic. 🙂 Never leave home without it lol

  16. Chi Chi says:

    You know that show with the little girl who was a robot? I’d like one of her! But maybe a little older so she could drive and buy wine for me when I’m too lazy to get off the couch and go to the store. She’d have to be programmed but I bet I could get her to do laundry and the DEEP DEEP cleaning that I hate to do. Ahhhhh, a mom can dream right?

  17. Stacie Hanson says:

    Love this! I grew up in a small town with one grocery store, and the candy machine was eternally “broken” pretty much throughout my entire childhood. Such a smart and convenient lie on the part of my mom. And since I was an obedient and helpful child, I would help out other parents by informing their children that sadly machine was broken, so don’t even try. 🙂

    • amber says:

      Ha! That is hilarious.

    • ammie says:

      I LOL’d! haha!

    • Steph says:

      I tell my kids they’re “broken,” too. And so are the annoying riding toys at the Mall.

      • ammie says:

        I use to run a GNC that had those loud annoying riding toys at the mall and asked the guy who owned them to turn the sound down slightly because I could hear the creepy kid’s laughter of the toys in my store. He said no because kids wouldn’t notice the toys without the sound. So I unplugged them

        • Laura says:

          That’s awesome. I never put money in them. My son just sits it in. One time his dad said something about having enough quarters and I looked at him and said “Shh. I don’t want him to know they actually do anything. Then he’ll bug me to pay for him to ride it. He can sit for free.”

          • Cara says:

            Mine get way more out of these when they’re not on, play really imaginatively on them. As soon as you put money in, they stop playing and sit there like zombies.

    • Sharon says:

      We had our kids totally convinced that Toys ‘R Us was a Toy Museum. They could go and see all the toys and visit them, but after a while we had to thank the nice docents and go home. Since it was so much more interesting than any other museums…we were, of course, the best parents ever. Tee hee!

  18. Rachel Meeks says:

    Totally agree w/ the candy thing,sometimes I cave and try to split in two this giant gumball to share w/ my four year old and almost break a tooth they are so hard,ugggh ! How about no giant car carts allowed at stores,they never have any left when the kids are begging and a tantrum ensues or if we do “luck out” those things are the absolute worst things to try to maneuver and the kids are constantly jumping out and running around the store !

    • Tracy says:

      I would have to add to the “no giant car carts” is no tiny child-size carts either!! I despise those tiny carts! Whoever thought those were a good idea certainly did NOT have kids! I use to be able to handle the grocery store with my 2 boys with only the occasional tantrum, but now going to the store is like WWIII, all because of those stupid carts!

      • Liz says:

        Yes! I HATE those tiny carts. Why is it a good idea to let a 5 year old maneuver a cart? I have enough trouble navigating a crowded grocery with all the idiot adults and their carts, much less children at knee-level.

    • tina says:

      agree on the giant car carts! those things don’t turn worth a darn or fit anywhere!

    • Becky says:

      I once knocked an entire shelf of pickles down with that stupid huge car cart!

  19. ammie says:

    I forgot I would create a laundry folding machine. It is bullshit that they have managed to make a washer and dryer over the years but not a folder 😉

  20. Maha says:

    I’ve always suspected the person who decided on daylight savings time was not a parent.

    In my fantasy world, time/space continuum would stop when I use the bathroom/take a shower…

  21. brandy says:

    I totally agree on the universal sizes for kids clothes! My kid wears either a 4, 5 or 6 depending on the brand, whether there’s an adjustable waist-band, whether it’s in the infants/toddler section or the kids section…
    Also, more interesting colors for boys clothes. My kid wants orange pants, red overalls…but all we find is brown, green, blue and camoflouge.

    • BC says:

      Oh yes! More creative boys’ clothes would be wonderful!!!

    • Megan says:

      Amen for the boys clothes! I hate shopping for clothes for my son because if it’s not a drab blue, green, camo, etc., it’s got some giant character splashed across the front of it–and I am not paying more for a t-shirt just because it has Elmo on it–I don’t even like Elmo!

      • heather says:

        …or skateboards or skull and crossbones…or any combination of the two!

      • Cynthia says:

        Yes, I hate how impossible it is to find boy clothes that are not Spiderman, Sponge Bob, or have something about surfing on them.

    • Jackie says:

      Ditto on the boy clothing. Whenever I find something that is dark and menacing, I buy it right then because it won’t be there much longer.

      • Laura says:

        Boys shopping is horrible. There is like a 1:3 ratio for boys and girls clothes in stores. 1 rack of boys clothes for every 3 racks of girls.

  22. Victoria says:

    #3 – Amen!
    #4 – We’re halfway there. We have this toddler remote controlled fire truck (it has 2 buttons on the remote – forward and turn). If you forget to turn off the switch on the truck it intermittently moves itself forward, apropos of nothing. So far, we have only achieved creepy, not helpful.

    • Sarah says:

      Have been scared out of my wits in the middle of the night walking through the living room hearing “Peekaboo, I see you…” from the talking puppy toy. Nearly buried the thing in the backyard…

      • Samantha says:

        Oh my gosh, I’m in tears! HAHAHA!!

      • Jenna Claver says:

        “Five shillings for the possessed toy.” (from the movie Shrek)

      • Laura says:

        OMG. I’ve had that happen too! In the pitch black of the night.. except I usually step on the foot. “Foot! Yellow foot!” .. and your heart stops..

      • April says:

        lol. we had a puzzle of a fire truck that was set off by movement and or light. So in the middle of the nite, we would suddenly hear sirens fromn our dd’s room. it took us months to figure that one out. duh! should’ve opened the puzzle drawer, cuz the darn lights went off too.

        • Michelle Adelewitz says:

          Ours was a shapes puzzle that every evening at sundown piped up “octagon!” and scared the crap out of me.

          • Cynthia says:

            What kind of weirdo invented puzzles that talk?

          • naz says:

            oh my god i had that one! it was at top of the fridge and every time i turned off the lights it went octagon. at first i didn’t know what it was, we had to do a little experiment, my husband started to turn on and off the lights and i was walking the whole house trying to find it. It was funny!!

      • TracyK says:

        one night my husband was working nights and I was upstairs in bed. I kept hearing a creepy sound that I could not place coming from downstairs in our house. It happened every 5 minutes or so and it was kind of muffled. I became worried that it could be the propane furnace from the crawl space, so I called my husband to come home and check it out. Turns out my son left his millenium falcon upside down and it kept trying to take off! LOL.

  23. jodi says:

    An invisibility cloak like the one from Harry Potter, but it’s bigger and shrouds the whole playground between the hours of 4:00-5:30 pm, so that when the ice cream truck drives by (just before dinner, duh!), the driver will think the playground is empty and keep on driving. Yep, that would be awesome.

    • Blue Fairy says:

      I tell my kids that when the ice-cream van plays that [creepy] music it means they’ve run out of ice-cream. So now they hear the music and say “oh, no! they’ve run out of ice-cream AGAIN! oh, that’s soooo saaad mama!”
      Sometimes I almost feel guilty about it.

      • Kate says:

        Oh my gosh! That is awesome! My little girl is only 6 months but I’m putting this idea in my pocket for later. You rock!!

        • Carly says:

          Yep, my sister gave me that idea too (and she doesn’t even have kids!) But when I tried it on my 6yo he said ‘no dad told me it means the HAVE got ice cream’.Awesome work dad 🙁

  24. Bethany says:

    I laughed so hard at the “making out with the gumball machine” drawing and commentary! I have this problem, too, except my kid is 8…she just whines and drives me crazy begging for quarters and it usually begins on the way INTO the darn store, so I have to hear the pleading (and subsequent SILENT pleading eyes when I tell her to be quiet or she isn’t getting ANY quarters) for the entire shopping excursion and/or errand. Those stupid machines should be blown up! Then, when you break down and give her the damn quarter, 8 hours later, you step on that stupid little 1 cent ring or alien or whatever waste of space toy she got when you are walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night! A-NNOY-ing!

  25. samarium says:

    I want the Star Trek Medical Tricorder. Just point it at the child and get a complete diagnosis with treatment options.

    • lsg1378 says:

      Oh yeah!!! That way, we could all diagnose ourselves, and save time wasting, money wasting trips to the doctor!!!
      Goodbye misdiagnoses too!!!

  26. Wanda says:

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  27. Anna says:

    I could totally do without those “car carts” at grocery stores. They are a mile long, don’t steer, you have half the basket-capacity, and my 2-year-old is tired of the car long before the trip is over. So I end up wrangling my kids, driving a cart that doesn’t steer or turn, and having less space to put my groceries.

  28. MamaKara says:

    NUMBER ONE!!!! Ahhh!! I despise daylight savings time!! And I even have blackout curtains for my little’s room!

    By the dubs, I bet you are REAL good at Draw Something.

    • mussy says:

      Yes!! Omg i was totaly thinking the same thing about Draw something, especially with the amazing, non-crappy drawing of the toys.
      Gosh that game is addicting.

  29. Apple says:

    Vickie the robot combined with Mr Belvedere! Yes! A robot butler to do the driving/cleaning/shopping (groceries anyway)/mending/parent-teacher conferences/whatever I want it to do so I could sleep!

  30. ariel says:

    I need a robot to clean up after my husband

  31. Amanda N. says:

    Aw, man! I use one candy machine in particular as leverage for “good” behavior…now that’s going to be tainted by the thought of all the germs he’s picking up while fondling it. *sigh* Way to ruin a good thing for me! lol

  32. Marian says:

    I would like an exerciser who would take my kids out, run them around like a crazy person and deliver them to me hungry, tired, and ready for bed.

  33. Lisa says:

    I need a pause button. I could pause life during commercials and actually get the house in order. Everyone would be forced to stay still, be quiet and more importantly, not create any more mess.

    • TracyK says:

      LOVE IT. The hardest part of cleaning is definitely getting everything clean before everyone else starts making it dirty again!

  34. Felicity says:

    I’m thinking I might invent a baby sound translator. I swear sometimes my son doesn’t know what he’s trying to say either …

    • Emma says:

      They actually have those! They’re total BS of course but its supposed to be based on the frequency and interval of the baby’s cries or something and it tells you “hungry” or “change diaper” or “tired” etc. Lol if only it were that easy…

  35. Kiza says:

    Clothing sizes..gah!

    I *make* kids clothes, and it didn’t get any easier there. :/

    My daughter is 22 months old. The other day, she was wearing shorts in a size 9m that were a little big. We had a diaper blowout and her new shorts…that fit better than the first pair…were a size 3T. Insane!

  36. Kira says:

    I just need a robot to sit in the car with my sleeping kids while I shop. I’d much rather stroll around Target during nap time than sleep.

  37. Beth Reinhart says:

    Bwahaha!! You always make me laugh out loud. I love the part about the gumball machine and especially the clothes. The clothing industry really does need to come up with one set of sizes. Size really means nothing as different brands fit differently then others. A lot of times I’ll bring in pants that my boys are about to grow out of so I can compare the lenth with pants at the store so I know what size to buy.

    • Sue says:

      i think the clothing companies have this concept of divide and conquer. if we just stick with one brand out of sheer irritation, they have won.

      brilliant idea about bringing in the old stuff! thanks!

  38. JP says:

    I really want a mobile babysitter—so when my kids are acting up or fall asleep in the car, I can run in and get my shopping done while they happily play with sitter. Yeah, maybe your driving robot could double-duty as a sitter?

  39. helen says:

    I’d quite a remote control that that a freeze button. I could press it mid fight and seperate them, or mid ‘insert naughtyness here’ and remove the offending object/child to a safe distance.

  40. Terri says:

    My boys are verrrryyyy close in age (4 boys in 2 1/2 yrs close) then we had our last boy 2 years later. Still close in age but its all relative. Anyway this was back in the 80’s and we lived in base housing on an AF base and no fences were allowed. Yeah. And our house backed up on a ‘wild place refuge’ which was really neat because we had a whole lot more room and freedom and….oh yeah…we also had 5 LITTLE boys and no fence….I would have given my eyeteeth for an Australian Shepherd. Seriously. One of those nifty dogs where all I’d have to say was “round ’em up Scout” and he’d corral them home safe and sound. He would have been my extra eyes AND the eyes in the back of my head. That was my fantasy.

    • Nadine says:

      I grew up on a AF base like that (well, OK only 4 years until we got transferred again) and it was the BEST. We were not allowed to go down to the creek, but we always did. We spent from dawn till dusk outside playing – it was totally amazing. My brother and I had the time of our lives – never really occured to me that my mom was likely pulling her hair out.

      • Honey says:

        Same here Nadine! After breakfast it was a free for all and the only rule was no drowning in the creek (which was really only deep enough for the leeches and tadpols we used to catch) and be home by dinner

  41. Claudia says:

    I want a siren on my car. One that can plug into the scream my son emits from time to time and blare it all over the road so that I can drive through the shoulder like a cop and everyone will understand.

  42. Wendy Chen says:

    I would like a step stool created out of a germ free material that folds up in to purse size.

    Auto meals is also a great idea!

    Terrific list!

    • Ceri says:

      that would be awesome! The stool. I hate washing hands in the bathroom… you hold them up trying to rinse soap, with the counter pressing on the stomach. i. hate. that.

      • Blue Fairy says:

        lots of places here [in Scotland] have kid sized handbasins. some even have special kid sized toilets. it’s fab! they get a little independence and feel all grown up because they can look after themselves like they do at home – ie, without help.

  43. Laura says:

    I totally agree with the baby socks. I hate the little buggers, washing them or whatever, and my mother in law is wicked bad for continually reminding me “WHERE ARE HIS SOCKS?!?” even in 95 degree weather. It’s like she’s a puppet for the evil sock corporation. I hate wearing them and they never make my feet warm enough to matter!

    • Sue says:

      bwa ha ha ~ evil sock (company) puppet!

      the visual alone was enough to make me gleefully spit out my 3pm coffee. thanks! 🙂

    • Leigh says:

      At last count, we had 16 unmatched baby socks. How is such a thing possible? I need to question my sanity for continuing to buy more rather than making children were mismatched ones. (I can never find the same pairs that I had before to create a “pair and a spare” and annoyingly, they always come in a multi-pack of 2 or 3 different patterns.

      • Ceri says:

        Chances are if you have a front loading washer it is eating them. LITTERLY! There is a drain pipe, I have pulled out 3 from one. If your washer is slow to drain, you have got stuff in that pipe….

      • Kelly says:

        Oh, the socks… so cute…. and so annoying. We (mostly) solved the problem by binder clipping a very small lingerie wash bag to the hamper. The teeny socks go in the bag and all come out of the dryer together. You still have to match them up but in a year, we’ve only lost 2 singles and those were because hubby forgot to zip the bag.

  44. Brandy Mallinson says:

    Ohhh I totally agree about the clothes and socks!!! Im having that issue right now since new baby decided she HATES socks and will not keep them on no matter what…….

    Also we are wearing a size range from 0-6 months depending on the brand…..this is frustrating!! (Even worse when hubby decides to dress her.)

  45. Sue says:

    Closely related to the candy machines issue: matchbox car displays near the checkout.

    Though I owe my undying love to whomever put one of those next to the wipees / diapers / sippy cup area of our grocery store. This provides ample time to peruse what’s new in the aisle of baby stuff.

    As if that’s my life’s goal… but even so !

  46. Lisa says:

    I need a device that will warn me when projectile vomit is nearby

  47. Kelly says:

    Could babies faces not just absorb dirt and food. My son absolutely hates his face being cleaned (except when he’s in the bath) and will scream as loudly as is humanly possible from the moment he sees a cloth/wipe coming near his face. If his face just absorbed the bright orange tinge he gets on himself after eating spaghetti bolognese then we wouldn’t have a problem would we?!

  48. Amanda says:

    I do the exact. same. thing. with the blanket. Every. year. Currently, I have Iron Man staring back at me form the window. *sigh*
    Thanks for the laugh!

  49. Angela says:

    Ugh, shopping for clothes is so frustrating. My four year-old is a string bean, long and lean. She needs 5T or girls’ 4 for length and 2T for weight. Pants are impossible, but the other day she wore a 12-18 month dress (as a tunic shirt over leggings so her bum wasn’t showing). I never thought we’d get four years of wear out of a piece of clothing she got before she could walk!

    • Amelia Sunderland says:

      Yes, I’ve got a string bean here, too. I’ve given up completely on some brands, like Old Navy, her weight puts her in 12-18 mo. clothes and her height puts her something like THREE SIZES bigger. Not. Helpful.

  50. Liz says:

    What about baby shoes that are easy for mama to put on and take off, but IMPOSSIBLE for baby/toddler to remove?

  51. Misty Pratt says:

    I would like a mute button for other parents. Like when I’m at playgroup, and another parent says something like “well, my Sammy was walking at 6 months and talking at 8 months”….I can just say MUTE, and their mouths will keep moving, but it will be silent. Ah, bliss.

  52. makenzie says:

    Amen, sister! I think you’ve got it covered!

  53. Jill says:

    Hilarious!! One of the best posts yet.

    I would love a detachable boob. My 7 month old is happy whenever the boob is near, but when it is not, it is a tragic day. All day, all night…if I could detach my boob and leave it with her, I would actually be able to leave her with her dad and get a sanity break!! (unfortunately boob shaped bottles are shaped like NO ONE’S boob, and DD only wants the real thing).

  54. Lisa says:

    OMG, the clothes thing has been so horrible to me lately… I try to buy ahead to catch the sales (and because I’m a planner and can’t stand being unprepared), then of course you can’t have a child under the age of 4 (am I being optimistic here?) try on clothes to see if they fit, so you just have to buy and hope the size is labeled close enough to the other brands that you can get at least 2 wears out of an outfit.
    Then of course you have to pre-wash everything which then makes them non-returnable. My son just moved up to 12 month size clothes… the adorable black corderoy overalls with the train embroidered on them? He can’t even crawl in them because they are too tight 🙁 I wanted to cry.
    Same exact brand of clothes fits perfect in the same size in other outfits, so how exactly was I to know???

    Also had one onesie that was made of non-stretchy material… the outfit it was a part of was baggy, and the onesie fit ok once on, but what I had to do to get that onesie on might qualify as child abuse in some states….

    And lastly, what is with those baby clothes that shrink, but only shrink in length and somehow seem to double in width??

    • Cynthia says:

      Yes! They always shrink in length. I look at some of those short, fat onsies, and think, “what troll was this designed for?” Although, that problem never goes away. I’m a six ft tall woman, and finding clothes long enough that *stay* long enough through the wash (even in cold water) is very difficult.

  55. Melissa says:

    “Find” buttons like on the cordless phone, for every item essential at bedtime – pacifier, special blankies (2), and all four “loveys”, two of which are Elmo.

    Socks and shoes that magnetically attract to their mates, so they never get lost again (says the mom with a dishpan full of “orphan” baby socks).

    And one of everything on your list. 🙂

    Making out with the gumball machine… funniest image ever.

  56. kimmie says:

    Hahah! these are awesome. Toys that put themselves away? I’d pay for that.

    Also, I could do without those mechanical ride-on cars in the mall. My kid is ALWAYS wanting to ride them, and of course, he’s spoiled by his grandparents so he KNOWS that you need to put money in them to make them fun. It’s worse now that he’s getting to the age where telling him it’s “broken” isn’t working anymore, especially when he sees other kids riding on them. Not to mention they’re germ-infested and expensive. Oh well.

  57. Kelly says:

    My fantasy item on the “Parenting Wishlist”: a limo window that separates the driver from the passengers in my van. That way I could drive down the road listening to MY music and so that I could drive to the grocery store without hearing screeches from the back of the van. Let’s face it. Entering the grocery store is treacherous on its best days with two little ones. I just want some peace and quiet to and fro. 🙂

    • April says:

      I have been saying this for years. Oh, What a joy that would be. 🙂

    • Robonanny says:

      Such a vehicle exists – the latest London taxi, by Mercedes-Benz. The driver gets to sit in peace and tranquility, while their passengers are separated by what looks like a plexiglass screen.

      Sounds like a sensible investment to me 😉

  58. Jennifer says:

    YES to the clothing sizes! My 15-month-old daughter has shirts that range from 9 months to 24 months! I swear one of her 18 month sleepers fits perfectly and the other 18 month sleeper looks like it could fit me. And can we talk about their shoe sizes? – OY VEY!

  59. Mrs. R says:

    Where do I sign up for the robot? What about a robot that watches the children so Mommy can nap? And the robot can pick up toys at night, thus eliminating the creepy factor of living toys.

  60. Jenn says:

    One word: Chuckie.

  61. Marleen says:

    So agree with your wish list! Would like to add the extra arm. I still don’t understand why evolution hasn’t given humans a third arm by the time they become parents.

  62. Rachel Blackett says:

    I hate daylight savings too!!! I have been complaining over the last few days cause ours just ended, so my 1 y/o is up earlier, sometimes 2 hours not just 1 hour earlier

  63. Janet says:

    I vote for sleepers that close automatically, like the sneakers that Marty McFly put on in Back to the Future 2. Stick the kid in and SWOOSH! it all fastens up. Because trying to line up a buttload of snaps on a squirmy kid is for chumps. It’s like trying to dress a mechanical bull.

    • Jennifer says:

      YES – I love the Back to the Future 2 reference! What about an automatic zipper on the zipper sleepers? Trying to get my daughter to keep her legs straight so I can zip without catching her skin is a nightmare!

    • Kim says:

      Haha .. ” like trying to dress a mechanical bull ” too right sista!

  64. Marleen says:

    Oh and just wanted to add that here in The Netherlands kids clothes are based on their actual height: so is your baby around 80cm tall, then he/she’s size 80. The sizes come in steps, so 68 – 74 – 80 – 86 etc. It doesn’t measure the width of the kid though…

  65. kerra says:

    I wish for carseats that were absolutely impossible for them to get out of. We drive down the road and look back and one of them is climbing out of their carseat. SCARY

  66. Elisabeth says:

    Ummmm … if the toys come to life at night, my kid wouldn’t have any toys. Momma can’t handle creepy. I’d rather pick them up than have to worry about Tickly me Elmo being pissed that I stuffed him head down in the toybox the other day …

    • Shelley says:

      Ha!! I have the same thought. When I put dolls, stuffed animals away, I always sit them up nicely for that strange reason…like they’ll have a vendetta against me if they ever come to life.

  67. katherine says:

    I find baby clothing much better standardized than women’s. It’s really not that bad. Also, a lot of brands put the weight and height range on the tag next to the size. That is awesome. But I agree that there is still a range.

  68. Shelley says:

    Yes, toys that put themselves away. I might pay extra for those. Or, perhaps a little robot to do it, like the robotic vaccuum cleaner. It will go through the house, suck everything up off the floor and return to it’s port (ie toy box).

  69. Kendra says:

    Haha! I’ll be waiting on that driving robot. I’m going through the same with daylight savings “Bedtime!” Oldest son-“but it’s not dark out!” And I deal with tantrums over the candy machines.
    One thing I want to change are the snacks, candy, toys and things in check out lines. Could they just change it to something the kids find boring? I would love to pay and grab my bags without worrying about what items my kids are grabbing.

  70. Megs says:

    I would like a “Do it on the first ask” magic wand. Like pooff!! I only have to ask 1x for action to take place.

    Sound familiar anyone?

    Mommy- madly rushing around, grabbing lunch box, pouring coffee, cleaning up the spilled milk from breakfast, feeding the dog, listening to traffic report, all while brushing my teeth:
    “Honey, it’s time to go, can you put your shoes on please?”
    4 minutes later (bending down looking in eyes) while realizing it’s garbage day, I forgot to charge my cell phone and I forgot to sign a release form for daycare:
    “I need you to help mommy and get your shoes on now.”
    Mommy- Frantically stuffing things in car, while putting on jacket, spilling coffee on pants:
    “We need to go NOW. Shoes! Now!”


  71. Emily says:

    Sippy cups and bottles that don’t have 15 pieces each to wash, plus needing a special brush to scrub them with. The pieces always get stuck together and then you loose the pieces to their favorite cup.

  72. The daylight savings could not be more accurate! Takes those little buggers so long to adjust!

  73. Jennifer says:

    I’ve always wanted a gadget that would stop time and everyone around except me…that way, if I wanted to sleep a little longer, I could. If I was in a hurry and didn’t want to deal with traffic, I could just drive around it, or needed more time with a deadline at work, I would never miss it. Oh, and if we were in the store and the kiddos decided it would be the perfect time to be little $hits, I could stop everything and walk out of the store getting no dirty looks from anyone. Ahhhh…I can dream can’t I?

    • Annie says:

      I dream of that gadget too! Dare to dream. =)

    • Colleen says:

      Like Evie on Outta This World! This has been my lifelong dream to put my fingertips together and stop time! More now so that I am a parent!

  74. sprinke says:

    In Japan, they actually size kids clothes using ACTUAL. METRIC. MEASUREMENTS. So if you kid is, say, 80 cm tall, you buy the 80 cm clothing size. Doesn’t matter if he’s 18 months or 3 years old. This makes perfect sense to me.

  75. Kate says:

    Love these! I’d also add:
    1. Ban pea gravel everywhere in the whole entire United States
    2. Get rid of those pretend car shopping carts-they’re never available and my son gets all riled up when he sees someone else in one.


  76. Starle says:

    So funny! Candy machines and candy at the check-out. I need to add those to my list of things that I DON’T miss about the U.S.!

  77. amelia says:

    Somehow almost every candy machine we come across is mysteriously broken….someday she’ll catch on but for now we’re living the lie!

  78. aly says:

    The sleep button. I would happily deal with anything else this kid could throw at me (literally and figuratively) if I could only have a sleep button.

  79. Julie says:

    When my kids were babies, they always wanted held right when it was time for me to do something important, like cook dinner. I never had free hands when I needed them. I always wanted to invent a mannequin-type lady that you could strap your infant into her arms and she would hold the baby up on her shoulder and kinda move around a little, to trick the little one into thinking she was being held and walked. Amazing what I fantasized about during those midnight feedings.

  80. Abi says:

    My wishlist:

    – A parents “duplicator”. Makes in one second a perfect “double” of you and your husband, so that you two can go and have a decent conversation (or whatever).

    – Portable breasts, so that your husband can breastfeed your 19 month old twins and you can stop hearing the: they only want you! thing

    – Oh… the clothes… A machine that can convert a dog picture in a hello kitty picture, because it is only one clean helly kitty picture t-shirt left and all 3 of your daughters want one. And the thing with the sizes, I totally agree!!!


  81. Amy says:

    I always enjoy reading your blog and I had to reply to this one. I would like a robot to get my children ready for school in the morning and to do my ironing. I am not one to do ironing but we moved to Istanbul a year and a half ago and everyone sends their kids to school in nicely ironed uniforms. 🙁 I wouldn’t want my kids to stand out so I am trying to conform. Also, I hate socks. How I miss big packages of white socks from Target. If they are all the same they aren’t as hard to match.

  82. Corrie says:

    Can your robot do dishes too, please?

  83. Erin says:

    You are all geniuses! I would like a laundry and kitchen robot as well as the chicken nugget and french fry healthy food. The 4 year old is in one of those phases right now and I could honestly say I’d rather do the whole towns worth of cooking and cleaning than put up with one more night of *I don’t like this food*

  84. AMY says:

    Right on! And…in addition to clothing standardization, they need to make preschool boy shirts with carbon-fiber lycra blends with dirt-eating nanobots, because he hits four or five and puts on his favorite Star Wars shirt and won’t take ot off for the next three years.

  85. Brook says:

    Google has a self driving car already in the testing stages in NV. We’ll see how that goes.

  86. Becky says:

    I want an extra hour each day. But not a normal hour. An hour where the rest of the world is on pause and I can get things done. Or sleep. Yeah, I would probably just sleep…

  87. Cheryl says:

    I always wanted to develop the drive-thru bathroom so when my kids fell asleep in the car I could still go pee. I thought they could be like a car wash but the doors would come down and I could get out of the car without waking the kids. There would have to be some sort of usage fee to keep them clean. I figured there had to be other parents and even nannies driving around in holding beyond the point of reason just to preserve the nap who, like me, would pay any fee to feel relief.

  88. Something I came up with a few weeks ago, in the middle of a particularly difficult diaper change: Diaper rash cream…SPRAY.

    I mean, come on, they invented spray sunblock. Would it be that big of a stretch to invent spray diaper rash cream, too? That way you wouldn’t have to touch “butt” (albeit cute baby butt, it’s still BUTT) with your finger while trying to zoom in on a moving, wiggling target. Just lift the legs and spray!

  89. Danielle says:

    I love that last picture! Crappy Boy is really putting the moves on that candy machine!

  90. Annie says:

    I love how you used to rearview mirror in the car to show us the kids sleeping. Very ingenious. Definitely NOT a crappy picture!

  91. Jocelyn says:

    related to the kids falling asleep in the car – I would drive around and fantasize that there was a magical place I can pull into that has a giant treadmill machine for the car to make it seem like it is still running but I can turn off the engine and save gas. There needs to be bumpy roads and simulated wind noise to make it realistic enough for the kids though. Then someone will come to my window and bring me food or a book and I can just sit there and eat a meal without a bunch of little hands tugging on me or yelling in my ear.
    As a more reasonable alternative, I would just like to have lots of drive-thru options, where you can silently type in what you need and it will be delivered to you and you barely had to stop for a second (because the kids will wake up if you stop). Like drive-thru grocery stores or “restaurants” that have better food than fast food. But let’s face it, I’ll take a burger, fries and shake any day as long as an obnoxiously loud intercom or chipper teenager doesn’t yell into the car, “WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU?”

    • Jocelyn – just yesterday, my 8 month old FINALLY fell asleep in the car. I decided to take the opportunity to get a quick drive-through coffee. I pull up to the window and roll mine down only to hear their rap music BLASTING through into our car and the girl leans her whole head out the window, practically into my car, and yells, “HI!!! WHAT CAN I GET YOU TODAY?!?!!”
      Um, can you not SEE the sleeping baby in my car?!?!?! Agh!

    • Maureen says:

      I completely agree with this one. I’ll drive an extra 10 minutes to go to the bank with drive-thru atm or the full service gas station. I love that my drug store has a drive thru, especially handy with sick little ones on the way home from the dr’s office. When you have multiple little ones that can’t get in and out of their car seats on their own it’s a pain to do errands. Especially if you just need to run in for something quick. (Which with kids in tow, never turns out to be quick.) I wish more stores had drive thru’s. For example, I could order my stuff from or whatever store I want and then drive to my local store, go thru the drive thru and pick up my order. And with the soundproof window I’ll have installed between the front seats and the back of the minivan I wouldn’t have to worry about our talking waking up the babies. Ahhh, it’s good to dream….

  92. Deanna says:

    #1 would be my dream come true.

  93. Tatumhart says:

    I can’t stop laughing about the gum ball machine.

  94. Wendy says:

    Oh my goodness! I completely agree with all of you! Oh to have toys put themselves away at night… Though I agree I think this would creep me out more than anything.

    Not sure I would favor a driving robot. If anyone falls asleep in my car, the other kids wake them up anyway so those days are behind us too.

    So many great ideas. With 4 kids under 5, my biggest wish is that every store had AT LEAST 2 seats on the shopping cart. Two I can deal with (especially with a double seater car in the front!) but one is just cruel…

  95. Woolies says:

    This is a hard one. What to wish for to make life easier? ….
    A chef. I need a chef. Dinner when kids were little was much easier, believe it or not. 16 year old crappy teenager will not eat normal stuff anymore. So, one day last week, i got out the Barefoot Contessa recipes and made lemon fusilli with arugula. Oh Yes I Did. He ate it, but claimed it wasn’t very good. He’d be much happier if I just handed him money and sent him to McDonalds, but I’m trying to feed him healthy food. Why? Oh Why?

  96. Wendy says:

    And every noisy toy should come with a mandatory off-switch or be put on recall!

  97. Claire Jones says:

    I would like to have an invisible potty that I didn’t have to carry around during potty training and have it appear when I need it and for it to be OK to put it on the floor and for him to do his business (and then auto empty somewhere) say in the middle of the supermarket, so I didn’t have to worry about offending anyone with his toilet training habits. The other day I was at the till with half the shopping unloaded onto the conveyor belt and the other half in the trolley when he announced that he wanted a poo poo and NOW! arrrgh! What do you do? Well I asked him to wait and he said OK and then 20 seconds later said the same again. Thankfully the woman behind me was a mother too, she said don’t worry leave the shopping on the belt and take him to the bathroom and it and her were still there when I came back! Of course he only wanted a wee not a poo but that’s a different story!

    • Maureen says:

      Oooo, good one but I’d rather have someone else do the ENTIRE potty training phase. Like over a weekend or something. I’d send them away to potty training camp and on Monday they would return completely potty trained with bladders the size of garbage bags. I swear my middle son has a bladder the size of a pea. Once he needed 4 trips to the bathroom during one visit to the grocery store.

      • Kathleen says:

        My babysitter potty trained my sister and me. My parents loved her.

      • Claire Jones says:

        I swear half the time when they say they need to go, it’s only cos they are bored. My son always says he needs to go about 5 times during dinner, especially when it is food he doesn’t want to eat!

  98. I just had to comment because of the comments saying we need robots. I want you all to know that my four year old daughter intends to start a business making robots. So in like 20 years she will have solved all our problems.

    Oh, and she says she’s going to start with a robot that cleans houses. Probably because our house is so dirty it drives even her crazy. Also, she will sell these robots for only $5. Watch the stores, people. Help is coming. 🙂

  99. Jess says:

    Our pediatrician’s office has a candy machine in the lobby. I call it “the gauntlet”, as it seems like no parent can enter or leave without the rounds of begging and eventually having to accept a coin from the front desk. (Which if you don’t take, makes you look like an evil, evil parent.)

  100. Katie says:

    Haha! A homing device for toddler shoes! Cannot recall the number of times I have just given up and left the house with a barefoot toddler.

    I think the toy one is my fav! Thanks again for your insight…

  101. Elizabeth Wickham says:

    When my little boy was a baby I fantasised about creating a device that connected from his dummy to around his ears so it would stay in his mouth (and save me from getting up 6 times a night to put it back in).

  102. Shelley says:

    Ok, so I was at a friend’s crawfish boil this past weekend and sat down on the patio to help (me help) my 11 month old son eat his fruit & veggies without worrying about a mess. Somehow, everyone else’s similarly aged baby (including a set of twin boys) came over and their parents just parked their plates along with them… and then went to have adult time.

    Naturally, I didn’t get a bite because it was like a game of timing and skill to prevent whichever baby from upending his plate, usually failing at this, hurriedly picking up the food OFF the patio and placing back on the plates, thwarting many attempts by EACH of them to get the OTHER’S sippy cups…I finally pretty much let them do what they wanted… you want Owen’s sippy cup, James? Fine, cuz Levi has yours. You want a strawberry slice, Amelia? There it is on Owen’s big toe. If you hurry, you can beat James to the last grape that rolled under the picnic table…

    All of this to say… my dream product at the moment would be a sippy cup with a lid-thingy that seals it’s self shut over the mouthpiece should a non-owner of the cup attempt to drink from it.

    And now I’m going to go rest because I’m tired all over again just from retelling this. 🙂

    • Jess says:

      And a non-theft feature too. Somehow our backup sitter always takes our sippy cups because her 2 year old is using them…..and they never return.

  103. Sara says:

    One of my wishes is that the ice-cream van would stop stalking us. Every single time the sun is out and we are at a playground the wretched van is there, following us, with its haunting music.

    Oh yes, can I also have a remote to mute people willing to dish out parenting advice?

  104. Elizabeth says:

    My mum used to tell me that if I sat on one of those shopping centre coin rides I would get chickenpox. I never questioned it.

    • Liz says:

      That is awesome! When I was in my teens and 20’s and discovered all those little lies my mom told me when i was little I felt so betrayed. Now that I have kids I realize how genius she really is.

  105. Jamie says:

    I really really laughed at the picture of crappy boy making out with the gumball machine! It is fantastic!

    On my list I would have a robot too.. Only it would be a referee.. I would never have to ref a fight again!

  106. Layla says:

    How about a snot alarm? My boys don’t mind using a tissue when I hand it to them or hold it to their noses… but it never occurs to them to get one. With a snot alarm, at the first sign of moisture creeping down toward the tongue-reachable zone, a chime sounds and a tissue pops out of their pocket.

  107. A playground that is actually a real-life construction zone, big piles of dirt and dumptrucks and skid steers and giant excavators and all, but safe where actual kids can (pretend?) to “drive the backhoe” and whatnot. {With a coffee shop on the side for us moms and dads who are “on break.”} That’d be my favorite 19-month-old-obsession-antidote. Much much needed.

  108. We’re past this stage, but:
    Seatbelts with harnesses in ALL shopping cart seats.

  109. Morgan says:

    I am ALL for the standard sizes–but I’d like to say that needs to be across the board. We’ll call it my “cause”–standard sizing for babies, toddlers, kids, men, and ESPECIALLY for women. I’m so tired of having to try stuff on in 3 different sizes because a size X is not a size X for each and every company.

    • Cassi says:

      I actually spent an hour in the store one rare, kid-free day trying on jeans, b/c I needed a new pair. I tried on nearly every pair they had in a 14–and they all fit, but not to suit me, if that makes sense. The size was fine, but I didn’t like the cut. So, in tired frustration, I bought the last brand I hadn’t tried. . . in a 14. Got it home, and couldn’t get it on! I had to lose like 20 pounds before I could wear those stupid jeans!

  110. Heather says:

    Awesome and spot on as always. 🙂 I’d like to pre-order a driving robot/autopilot please! I always tend to get sleepy when my kids are sleepy.
    Now that the seasons are changing and the sun is out more frequently I’m having to put blankets over the windows for naptime. At least he still naps when it’s dark and quiet (he’s soon to turn 4, I’m dreading the day when naptime is no more).
    My fantasy?? Pants and tops that magically grow with your child. My oldest is 7 and goes through nearly 3 sizes per school year. (This scares me a bit, I know it’s gonna get worse when he’s a teenager.)

  111. Lezlie says:

    I realize this is not related to your post, per se, but you have to know that my 4yo son just saw that this website (he catches me reading and laughing at it sometimes…) and asked, “Is this funny?” When I kept scrolling and he saw the give-away pictures, he told my 3yo, “Yes. This is funny.”

    So how does it feel to define funny?

  112. debbie says:

    dont kids realize how much gas costs these days? these are very expensive naps!!!

  113. Mandy says:

    Teeth cleaning biscuits for toddlers like they make for dogs- so sick of trying to make my 20-month-old say “ahhhh” while keeping him from grabbing away the toothbrush.

  114. Amber says:

    I want the toys that put themselves away. We were trying to decide on an Easter toy the other day. One was legos with 478 pieces. The other had three pieces. “I feel like picking up three pieces,” dad says.

  115. Kelly says:

    Hilarious! Yes, daylight savings needs to go. We should start a petition.

  116. Speaking from experience, blackout curtains do nothing. They know! Somehow, they know!

  117. Antoinette Barrett says:

    Water fountains! So gross! My daughter is drawn to them like a moth to a lamp. And then she puts her whole mouth on it, licks it, splashes the water. Not only do I get the crappy looks from the librarian, YMCA front desk, school officials— I get the bonus of her picking up some crappy virus within the next 24-48 hours.

  118. Emily says:

    This post is hilarious. This is why I love the shopping carts at Costco. They fit 2 kids and you can still steer! If only they were everywhere else I shop.

    The toys coming to life is a bit creepy. We have an Elmo Restaurant that starting “talking” in the middle of the night on its own. I thought someone broke in before I realized it was the toy. Needless to say, it’s usually off now.

    I wish somebody invent a robot that will clean all the bathrooms (and stove or anything else that is tedious to clean) and put all the clutter, laundry and dishes away.

  119. Stephanie says:

    Someone get cracking on the autopilot! And while you’re at it, please make a retractable soundproof barrier between the front and back seats an option in all family cars. When we are on a road trip with the kids and they start bickering, I push a pretend button on my armrest and say “bzzzzzzzzzzzzttt!” and imagine the barrier gliding up. Peace is restored. I want it to be a real button and a real barrier!

  120. Natasha says:

    Ugh, kids’ clothing sizes – here in New Zealand the system used by some manufacturers is the worst. It’s a bunch of zeros. I can never remember how many zeros correspond with how many months. For example, there’s ‘0’ ’00’ ‘000’ and even ‘0000’. Now I THINK ‘0000’ is newborn, which would make ‘000’ 0-3 months, and ’00’ 3-6? And then ‘0’ is 6-12? I suppose it’s working its way backwards from ‘1’, which is where the system starts making sense. Really, a system of months (eg 3-6 months) would make it a lot easier for a sleep-deprived mother to work out which size to buy.

  121. Melanie says:

    I would invent both a robot nanny and an anti-guilt pill. That way I could turn on the robot nanny when I needed to take a shower (or read a novel), and take the anti-guilt pill so that I don’t have to feel like the world’s worst mother for leaving them to do something for myself.

  122. Sarah says:

    I HATE baby socks. Strong enough words do not exist.

  123. Sara says:

    I totally agree with #s 1 & 3! When my kiddo was 5 months, she weighed 23 pounds and wore 9 month clothes. Now at 2, she still fits in 12 month pants but needs 3t shirts. So frustrating! And there’s no way on earth I’m EVER going to get her to try everything on before we leave the store!!

  124. Brianna says:

    Robots are awesome, but there are days I would sell my child for the chauffeur. Usually it’s somewhere after the 8th day without adult contact.

    The real solution would be minor time travel. You can play all day with your kids, go back eight hours and sleep all day. Go back eight hours and clean the whole house. Go back eight hours and hold a job. Go back eight hours and run away from home. Go back eight hours and visit with yourself, or go play with your friends.

    Am I the only one who thinks that would be amazing? I know some would prefer a robot. I love doing everything myself. I just want to be able to take my time about it, have lots of breaks, and be able to do everything else too. Too much?

  125. Lisa S says:

    You know, it’s actually my husband I have to pull away from those stupid vending machines. Not the candy ones, the ones that sell little toys and such. The boys could care less.

  126. jillsmo says:

    When my kids were in the nap in the car stage I would drive all around town and daydream about my brilliant idea of a giant automatic motorway where you could drive your car onto a giant version of those airport moving floor thingies that would circle your car around and around for you and you could cut your engine and not actually have to drive anymore. There would be frequent “offramps” so when the kid wakes up, you could just start your engine again and off you’d go. Man, that was a brilliant idea….

  127. Rachel says:

    I agree so much with all of this! Especially the stupid sizing. But then again, do you decide to go by weight or height? My baby girl is super long and skinny, so she fits different brands differently. Isn’t that how it is for all of us though?

    But did you know that there are working cars with autopilot now?

    So cool! (I especially love that they chose this guy to be the first user. Watch the video without reading the description.)

  128. BriannaBeer says:

    Oh my kiddies toys come to life at night. You know those toys where you press their tummies or hands and they light up and sing or laugh etc. For some reason in daylight hours they require a hammer to get them to work, at night if you breathe in their general direction “BEEPBEEP/HAHAHA/HUG ME!” Voila! Kiddies are awake!

  129. Charlotte says:


    They are not blackout ones, but dark enough to keep the light out. That being said, my 2 year old opens them and declares that it is still “blue sky”. But 90% of the time they are effective.

    As for baby clothing, I agree 100%. In Europe they use cm in sizes. So, if your son is 104 cm tall, he’d wear size 104 clothing. They could do the same here, just inches.

    Newborn would be 20 inches, and so on and so forth…

  130. Melanie says:

    lol okay you know that Adam Sandler movie “Zohan” and when he is working at the hair salon and doesn’t let a piece of hair hit the floor. I want a robot or some magical device that doesn’t let a drop of food from my daughters plate hit the floor and fall into the hardest little crevice to clean lol ahh yes that would be fab!!

  131. Kate says:

    OMG, I love this post. The drawing of Crappy Boy making out with the gumball machine is priceless!

    (BTW, I channel you every day. I know you called Crappy Baby “You Little Dumper” that time and I call my little baby “Little Jumper” as she bounces in her jumperoo. Love your blog!)

  132. Missy R. says:

    A washer and dryer that would hold every dirty clothing or towel-like item I have. I’m sick of doing multiple loads throughout the day, or when you forget about the clothes in the washer for a day or two or a week and then they smell funky even after drying.

    I could just be lazy and forgetful, but perhaps a brain transplant is too much to ask for 🙂

  133. Colleen says:

    Drive thru everything! Hardware stores, convenience stores, pharmacy, grocery stores, craft stores, coffee shops, dry cleaners, everything! Then let the kids nap in the car an run all your errands at the same time! How annoying is it to wrangle one toddler and one infant in and out of a car and shopping cart just to run in to a store for one thing! Even clothing stores where you could look online and order and pick up in the drive through so no shipping charges!

  134. Mercy says:

    Yes, the clothes size frustrations get to me too. I am soooo happy we don’t have daylight saving time here. My wish is for a house that cleans itself so I don’t have to do it. Repetetive house cleaning (as is picking up the towel I just hung 3 times because one of the kids keeps pulling it down) is such as waste of time.

  135. Kasi Peters says:

    Drive through everythings, specifically drive through grocery stores.
    Also, every single bathroom should have a little pull down stool for kids to use when they are washing hands. So annoying to balance a little on your knee, rest her belly on the always wet counter top so she can wash her hands after touching everything in the bathroom.

  136. Amy says:

    I would like a little golden hammer which puts my children *poof* when you tap them on the head.

    You know, for tired, cranky kids who NEED to go to sleep, but won’t. Arrgh!

    As for creepy toys, have you noticed that those talking Dinosaur Train character toys will turn themselves on whenever the TV is turned on? My husband and I will sink into the sofa after the kids are in bed, turn on the TV and hear, “I’m King Cryolophosaurus, baby” and it scares me out of my wits. Every. Single. Time.

  137. Claudia says:

    very nice blog,compliments and have a nice Easter from Tenerife!!!

  138. I love all of these! I definitely want one of the driving robots when the prototypes are out!!! 🙂

  139. Kara says:

    Oh…while you’re making your robot, could you invent a talking toilet that lets my young, independent, “I can wipe my poop myself”, little angel know when it has reached potential overflow capacity and no more wet wipes are allowed? Or flashlights. Or socks. Or dry spaghetti noodles. Or cats. Well, you get the idea.

  140. Tessa Burt says:

    A fast forward button on the teen years. You would have all the memories without the stress of having to go through them.

    My oldest just turned 13 and I would be in love with that button. Or maybe an auto mute button for when she is about to go into hormonal teen mode. Yeah, that would be GREAT!!!

  141. Jesse Ray says:

    And SHOE sizes in america. What the What? 1-12 and then it starts over again? How stupid. We have ordered the wrong size so many times because of this stupid system. Give me metric sizes like they have in europe.

  142. Lisa says:

    All baby-related products should be easily operable with only one hand. My high chair requires 2-3 hands just to get it set up, which requires me to leave the child somewhat unattended as I bend, click, push, etc. Useless. Everything should assemble effortlessly with a push of a button, and be tested by moms with a squirmy 9 month old on their hip.

  143. I want a car-babysitter-service. When my kids fall asleep in the car I call the car-sitters. They send a nice girl to sit in my car while my kids sleep. I proceed to do my errands.

  144. Krista says:

    Oh! Those baby clothing sizes!!! I don’t think my son has ever once matched the age on the tag. Do any children?

    • Crystal says:

      My son has magically fit all clothing sizes at the correct ages! At 9 months, he is just growing out of the 6-9 month clothes. Except for a few strange brands. It’s weird, because he’s really little for his age!

  145. karen brown says:

    for the gumball / candy machines, I usually keep those miniature packs of M&Ms or Skittles. You can reuse the same “dome” thing that comes out of those machines. This way you’re not all over someone elses germs and you know (hopefully) how long that the candy’s been in your purse.. Oriental Trading is good for bulk items that you would see in those machines if you do not want to give candy each time.

    Here are 3 ideas for your “secret” machine in your purse 🙂 It works like a charm and is cheaper.

    My kids love these and its under $10 for 144 of them..,-games-and-novelties/novelty-toys/spin-tops-and-wind-ups-a1-389153-4-1.fltr

  146. hoosier momma says:

    I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate Daylight savings time. Dogs and kids DON’T CARE about clocks. That is my one and only request! Please, please make it all go away!!!

  147. Lisa says:

    Oh my gosh I HATE DST! I want to approach my congressman about banning it in my state! In the country!!!! That passionate but also lazy…so it hasn’t happened yet.

  148. Jen says:

    Ahh the baby clothes sizes! My 14 month old just wore a pair of BABY GAP 3-6 month shorts, yet we also have 6-12 and 12-18 month stuff! He also wears 9 or 12 month in Carters. WHY can’t they just pick a standard?

  149. Katie says:

    Every time we go to the doctor, my kids get put in percentile ranges. Why can’t they use this information to size children’s clothing?? We have the power!

  150. Stephinie says:

    I want a robot too. So I can also sleep. Or knit. Or read a whole chapter in a book (a grown up book.) Also…. baby socks. Always buy at least three pairs of the ones you like.

  151. Laura says:

    – Playground with force field that will force out kids whose age is older than the playground allows.
    – Hubby’s companies have mandatory “Take the day off to take kids off your wife’s hands” days. My husband has like 20 days a year but he almost never use them, why not split half with me 🙂 hahaha…

  152. am says:

    toys that wake up at night are CREEPY! We have had them and they don’t put themselves away- but they do manage to freak you out so your pumping with adrenaline at 2:30am – heart racing and feeling like someone came into your house to kill you.

    yeah- no thanks to that.

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  155. neko says:

    aww why do you hate baby socks? i love then hehehe. i even make cute little keepsake teddies out of them 😀

    <– take a look.. maybe you wont hate them as little teddies ? LOL

    great crappy comics!