Crappy Mohs Scale of Crunchy Mamas

Ever wonder how crunchy of a parent you are? Well, never fear. Introducing:

The Crappy Mohs Scale of Crunchy Mamas  – NOW WITH MORE SCIENCE!*

(*Science: This is based off the Mohs hardness scale of minerals which is a ranking of 1-10 with 1 being the least hard and 10 being the most hard. Hard = crunchy.)  

So. How crunchy are you? Where do you rank?

Wait. Wait. Everybody wait.

Here’s the grain of salt you’ll need for this post:

grain-of-salt

(You can pick regular table salt or sustainably harvested sea salt.)

I made this scale after having several interactions over the years that annoyed me. The ones where people attempt to self-righteously out crunch one another. Stop that crap. It’s not a competition!

I also have vivid memories of the early baby days and meeting other new moms and how tenuous those relationships were. How we awkwardly fumbled around subjects like vaccinations or circumcision or extended breastfeeding and tried to fish out each other’s stance on it. Back in those early months, every decision felt like it defined us.

Course then the kids get older. Before you know it, all of that stuff matters less and less.

But in case you are still in a place where this sort of thing matters to you or to those you meet, this scale will save you time. Rather than have to tiptoe around controversial topics you can just say, “I’m a 6 on the Crappy Crunchy Scale.” And then you’ll know whether you can be friends or not.

So…

Where do you fall on the Crappy Crunchy scale? 

How to Play – read the description & if you identify with 2 or more things listed you can move onto the next level.

But wait! I ate my placenta but let my kids watch TV! Or I used formula but I drive an electric car! What does that make me? I don’t fall on your scale at all! I’m a zero! Your scale doesn’t work! Your scale isn’t accurate! Your scale doesn’t make sense because something you listed for level five should be an eight. Your scale is offensive because I believe that…

Guess what? I made this shit up.

Relax. You can place yourself wherever the hell you want. If at all.

1. Talc

crappy-crunchy-scale-1

Crunchy Qualities: plans to breastfeed, owns a BabyBjorn and one stainless steel or glass food receptacle

This is like an “intro to crunchy” level. These mamas are at the top of the slippery slope but they are still pretty powdery. They might slide in and get crunchier with time. If not, they are crunchy friendly.

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2. Gypsum 

crappy-crunchy-scale-2

Crunchy Qualities: likes DIY and handmade shit, shops at thrift stores and garage sales, carries Kleen Kanteen or SIGG bottles, has made kale chips and purchased almond butter

May drive a minivan or an SUV and  simultaneously loves it and feels guilty.

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3. Calcite

crappy-crunchy-scale-3

Crunchy Qualities: buys organic foods for baby, makes own baby food, attempts to avoid flashing or noisemaking toys, limits screen time, enjoys natural bath and beauty products, wears mineral makeup, owns either a ring sling, an Ergo or a Beco carrier

Likely consumes coconut oil.

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4. Fluorite

crappy-crunchy-scale-44

Crunchy Qualities: cloth diapers, does not own plastic food containers unless they are BPA/pthlalate free, births naturally, feels strongly about breastfeeding, owns an Arm’s Reach co-sleeper or uses a bassinet to have baby in room

Has baked with zucchini and made quinoa.

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5. Apatite 

crappy-crunchy-scale-5

Crunchy Qualities: only buys wooden or natural toys, kids don’t watch TV, no characters or text on kid’s clothing, practices non-violent communication and non-punitive punishment, likes mason jars and has too many of them, covets ethically manufactured clothing, drives a fuel efficient car on purpose, likes Method, Seventh Generation and Mrs. Meyers brand cleaning products 

Has read everything by Dr. Sears.

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6. Orthoclase Feldspar

crappy-crunchy-scale-6

Crunchy Qualities: obsession with something like baby carriers or cloth diapers, co-sleeps, extended breastfeeds, uses mama cloth, owns a juicer and drinks green juice, has an herb garden, drives a hybrid car or wishes she did

Likely owns at least one article of clothing made from bamboo or hemp.

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7. Quartz

crappy-crunchy-scale-7

Crunchy Qualities: sleeps in a family bed, either homeschools or uses a co-op, Waldorf or other assorted hippie schooling choices, homebirths with midwives, baby led weaning, tandem nurses if applicable, makes jam, has a large vegetable garden, buys used and repurposes whenever possible, uses cloth table napkins and cloth “paper towels”, cleans with vinegar and baking soda, is anti-TV and will mention this at every chance, child wears an amber teething necklace

Has either owned or rented a birthing tub.

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8. Topaz

crappy-crunchy-scale-8

Crunchy Qualities: placenta eaters and other food weirdness comes into play here, this has a polarizing effect with vegans on one and and paleo/primal on the other, or perhaps is gluten free, local only or organic only. Can recognize a woven wrap colorway from 40 yards away, uses family cloth instead of toilet paper, keeps regular acupuncture visits, stashes arnica and other homeopathic remedies in bag, uses elderberry syrup during cold and flu season, non-vac and non-circ status is displayed proudly on twitter or Mothering.com bio, drives an electric or bio-fuel car or has no car, avoids fluoride

Likely has tried the “no-poo” method of hair care.

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9. Corundum

crappy-crunchy-scale-9

Crunchy Qualities: grows all their own food, canning expert, homesteads, raises organic sheep, spins the wool from organic sheep, knits clothes from the wool that was spun from organic sheep, unschools, has chickens, wants to live off the grid, keeps bees, has solar panels, possibly uses elimination communication, builds own house or other barn/shed structures, has unassisted births 

Can sew an entire quilt in one night by the light of handmade beeswax candles while sipping tea made from homegrown chamomile in a mug that was hand formed from clay mined from her backyard. While nursing.

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10. Diamond 

crappy-crunchy-scale-10

Um. SouleMama?

Actually, a diamond does most or all or some assortment of the above levels but they don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks. They aren’t keeping track and they’ve outgrown the labels. They certainly don’t preach to others or judge people about their choices. They’re just doing their own thing. Doing what works for them. Diamonds? Diamonds are rare.

 

———-

PS – I asked Amanda if I could use her as the punch line to my post and while I am teasing her, I’m doing so with love and her permission. I also teased her that her family is like the real life version of the book  Ox-Cart Man except they still need an ox. They do have a dairy cow now though so that pretty much counts. She truly is a gem and such an inspiration to many.

PPS – I love that book. 

PPPS – After one of my first posts where I drew us co-sleeping there were rumors floating around that I was crunchy. Someone even called me crunchy in a review once. People thought that I cloth diapered, co-slept, extended breastfed, wore the same purple dress every day, babywore, made wooden toys, baked bread, unschooled, used mama cloth, homebirthed in a tub and ate my own placenta and all kinds of stuff.

But that simply is not true. I have several different purple dresses.

 

 

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Psssst: If you liked this then you’ll definitely, probably like my book:  Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures

 

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444 Responses to Crappy Mohs Scale of Crunchy Mamas

  1. Allison N says:

    LOL! Love it! I will confess to both baby led weaning and co-sleeping, but not out of any “crunchiness”. More because I have 3 kids under the age of 5 and Mama is TIRED. Baby led weaning means all I do is slap a plate in front of them and they feed themselves (less work for me!) and co-sleeping means I don’t have to get out of bed at dark o’clock. ;)

    • Tina says:

      That’s totally why we have a cosleeper. that and no room anywhere except the living room for a crib.

    • neal says:

      We do a smattering of these things too, more out of a desire for frugality and simplicity than anything else. So, we’re kinda like a gooey peanut-butter sandwich with hard mineral bits in it. Also, don’t eat us, you’ll break your teeth.

    • Lorie says:

      I read your comment to my husband and he said “practical crunchiness.” LOL

      • Em says:

        Exactly. Practical crunchiness. Or really, in my case, lazy crunchiness.

        1. Too cheap to buy baby food, too lazy to make it: baby-led weaning!

        2. I hate, hate, hate, being awake in the middle of the night, enough that I am willing to sacrifice the ability to roll over for the ease of pointing a nipple in the direction of a baby: co-sleeping!

        3. The baby screams unless she is being held, I have a two-year-old, and I occasionally need to go to the grocery store: babywearing!

        4. Am cheap: “household cleaner” is vinegar and water in a spray bottle.

        You can pry the paper towels and the disposable diapers from my cold, dead hands, however.

  2. Julie says:

    I’m glad I read to the end, because what if you do stuff from all of the categories, but not everything? This just confirms that diamonds are indeed a girl’s best friend. Yay!

  3. Julia C K says:

    I love it! I was reading number 9 and thought, hmm, that’s where soulemama would fit in…then I got to 10.

    Ox-cart man is a favourite around here too.

    I’m a four and proud of it! Well no, not really proud, that’s just where I am.

  4. Kelsey S. says:

    Haha, I love it! I’m pretty sure I know people in both real life and through the internet who fit into all of these categories. I’m pretty high up there myself, so I can’t make fun of anyone. ;) I think it’s great to be able to celebrate our similarities and differences as moms without judging anyone. I may have occasional daydreams about living off the grid and raising all my own food, but I know myself too well to believe that will ever happen. But I have great admiration for people who do!

  5. Em says:

    Bahahaha! Thank you for this post. Hi-larious. I have had a friend or two call me “the crunchiest person they know” but I’m only about a 6. So much farther I could go down that slope! I had never even heard of “family cloth” until you mentioned it … :-?

    • Julien says:

      Em- Me too! I was like, I’m about a 7 (jam! TV! linen napkins and tissues!), but LOVE my crossover SUV. Does that actually make me a -2?

      This post was SOOO funny! Thanks for the laugh Amber.

  6. Dale says:

    This is great! According to this I’m between a 9 and a 10, but I live in Boulder and here I’m more like a 5. Eh, what’s a girl to do.

  7. Melissa says:

    I don’t think I even qualify as a 1. I did breastfeed, but none of the rest of it.

  8. Wow. What’s softer than talc? I think I’m “air.”

  9. Heather says:

    Love this! Ha ha. I definitely don’t consider myself crunchy even though I do a number of “crunchy” things like co-sleeping and baby wearing and baby-led weaning. I also do a number of non-crunchy things like formula feeding and giving in to non-organic foods with our toddler. Mamas are way to judgmental of each other, though, that’s for sure… wish it wasn’t that way.

  10. SJH says:

    I resonated with something (or several things) in almost every category, but definitely not everything. (I’m not that green, for instance. Here’s an example: I think recycling is a good idea. I am finally distinguishing amongst my waste and have make-shift recycling bins. The reason? We just moved to an address that has curbside recycling pick-up. Yes, I really am that lazy.)
    I also try not to judge people for their choices, but who are we kidding? Obviously I think my choices are better than so-and-so’s– otherwise I would’ve made different choices! But I’m not them, and maybe if I were, things would look different.
    So I guess I’m kind of a diamond… Hopefully. ;-)
    (Also, I never heard the term “crunchy” before in this context. Googling it…)

    • Ali says:

      Yay for curbside recycling!

    • Cyn says:

      Wait, there are places that still don’t have curbside recycling?

      • SJH says:

        There are, in fact. I now live in Wisconsin; I previously lived in rural Michigan and then at several addresses in Alaska, and I had never heard of such a thing!

      • April says:

        Two places we lived in the past five years (in Indiana and near Chicago), everything went into a single dumpster—from large furniture down to raw food trash. And there were no recycling places to take your stuff to, even if you were willing to haul it there yourself.

        • Heather H says:

          I’d hazard a guess that you actually lived in Illinois, not truly Chicago land. It’s rough! I was born in the suburbs and have fond childhood memories of the recycling trucks (cause kids are weird like that) but when I was almost 9 we moved south to the middle of nowhere, IL, where the best you could do for recycling was be lucky enough to have a neighbor who made a quarterly run with his truck and all the rural people’s cans to a recycling center near St. Louis, MO. I now live in Milwaukee, WI and I’m in LOVE with their single-sort recycling… perfect for the lazy-crunchy types like me.

          • April says:

            Nope, it was an actual Chicago suburb. Ten minute drive to the train station that took you downtown. I called all kinds of places looking for a way to recycle, and didn’t have much luck. And the company I worked for at the time had a recycling bin for paper… which the janitors dumped in the same trash as everything else, because there was no recycling pickup available.

  11. Sara Baker says:

    This might be my most favorite post you have ever written. Thanks for the giggle!

  12. SJH says:

    P.S. I’m curious which # Amber classifies herself as? ;-)

  13. Rachel says:

    Ha ha, I love the crotchdangler in the first picture!

  14. Heidi says:

    I’d like to call myself a diamond, except I sometimes do still care what other people think. Other than that, though, that’s where we are.
    And “what works” changes…like I’m switching to disposable diapers for a little while because I’m so sick and tired of changing blowouts first thing every morning (it’s SOMETHING with the cloth!).
    I appreciate the perspective you offer in the this post; it was a good reminder, because I’m still in that stage.

  15. Sarah G says:

    Hahaha, this cracked me up! My son is only 3, but I can already see how things that were such a big deal “then” make me roll my eyes at myself now. We live in Mennonite/Amish country in rural PA and my best friend loves to tease me about the time I scared away a plain person from my garage sale by going on and on about how great cloth diapers are. She literally ran back to her minivan, quietly squeaking, “I like my pampers!” as she walked away. Whoops. Apparently I was a little too enthusiastic back then…

    • Jessica says:

      Wait, shouldn’t the Amish be using cloth diapers anyway? I thought they shunned modern conveniences like disposable diapers!

      • Cat W. says:

        I don’t think it was an Amish person, since they wouldn’t be in a minivan. I have never heard the term “plain person” but maybe that’s a PA term?

        • Actually the Amish are in minivans all the time. Frequently it has been my minivan. They pay the “English” (the non Amish/Mennonite) to drive them when it is not safe or practical to use their buggies. Also, they use modern conveniences they are just selective about which ones they allow into their communities and to what extend. They even differ among communities. They will even move from one side of town to the other to get a different group of Bishops if they want to use certain items their current Bishops won’t allow. They can have a house with electricity if it is a temporary home, or one they are living in while building, etc. They are a interesting and varied people and make the best friends due to their universally held theological beliefs. And yes my Amish neighbors and friends are what I will miss most when I move to TX later this year.

          • Sarah G says:

            Great summary. Yes, this woman was likely mennonite, as she was driving the dark blue/grey minivan approved by most mennonite churches in our area, but as the previous poster said, it can be hard to tell so people around here use the term “plain person” to refer to both. It’s how the amish (and some mennonites) refer to themselves in this area. And yes, I was relatively new to the area at the time an assumed I was talking to a fellow cloth diaper user!

  16. Donita says:

    Where do I find a vegan unicorn? I clearly need one. Thanks again for a fun and funny post! I think I’m around a 2.3, but am in awe of anyone on the higher end of the scale. Go crunchy mamas!

  17. heldinhisgrip says:

    I was raised by a 7, and consequently am a proud 1! I try to stay as far away from crunchiness as possible. The funny thing is that my sister, raised the same way I was is about a 4 or 5. Of course she doesn’t have kids yet, so things may change. :)

    • Maya says:

      Ha, I was raised on an organic goat farm by an 8-9, and I’m about a 3-4… no wonder I don’t really consider myself crunchy! By comparison I’m totally normal!

  18. RileysMom says:

    Apparently I needed this :) Hubby and I grew up outside of Philadelphia, but we live in San Diego, and I always think of myself as not crunchy at all… but here I am with my cloth diapers (but disposables overnight), and my co-sleeper (just for the first months, but still) and my MobyWrap&Ergo (both from garage sales), and my Prius, and “mostly foreign language cartoons so he gets exposure to native speakers early” and more from your hilarious post and wow, I guess that explains why the family back East keeps telling me “Well you really took to that California lifestyle.” They have no idea how much more crunchiness there is out there! Your non-judginess and diamond are awesome. Rule #1, right? Does it work for your family? Then it’s good

  19. Carrie says:

    I love that people are actually rating themselves in the comments and listing what they do. Did you all get the point behind this?

  20. Mara says:

    I am all over your chart! On the one hand– natural birth, extended nursing, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, and organic blah blah blah. We have chickens. On the other, my kids have plenty of plastic toys, watch plenty of TV, wore disposable diapers, and are fully vacc’ed. I guess I’d average out to somewhere in the middle. But, I really don’t care what anybody else does, and don’t worry much about what everybody else thinks of my methods, so maybe I’m a diamond after all… ;)

    • Lisa says:

      Yeah, Im right there with you. I had 4 C-sections, unable to nurse, kids are fully Vacc’ed (on an alternate schedule), and watch probably more TV than they should. On the other hand I cloth diapered before cloth diapering was trendy, I baby wear (Love my ERGO), made my own organic baby food (Again before making your own was cool), and I am firmly Non-circ.
      I also only offer my opinions when people ask, even though I am very passionate on my anti-circ stance.
      PS: my 2 1/2 year old STILL wears his Amber necklace. He’s been wearing it sine he was 3 months old and if I try to take it away from him he cries for it. Its missing a few beads so I might buy him a new one for Christmas!

      • Lana says:

        then I believe you’re a diamond. It is very hard not to “preach” I struggle with keepin my mouth shut but mostly manage. If someone asks about it though I won’t hold back! nice to meet ya. :-)

  21. Cara says:

    Love it! I think I’m a fluorite.

  22. Nadine says:

    I fall in a range, I guess. I breastfed my son until he was 27 months, he still wears his amber at 34 months (hey, he looks like a cool surfer!), I made my own baby food, we cloth diaper, and I buy organic when it’s on sale.

    OTOH, my son watches WAAAY too much TV, I myself have an unhealthy addiction to the internet and salty snacks, and to hell with co-sleeping. My son was in his own room before he was 2 weeks old, because the sound of a foreign human breathing (or sounding like he wasn’t breathing) in my sleeping space totally messed me up.

  23. Lana says:

    extended (tandem) breastfeeding, Placenta encapsulation, natural boy parts.. kale chips, home grown veggies, animals raised for consumption, chickens ELIMINATION COMMUNICATION, non-vax…blah blah blah I didn’t expect to get to 9-10 on the scale.. but i did.. wow. I didn’t think I was that bad :-p the only thing we don’t do is use “family cloth” but we do use recycled paper brands of toilet paper so I guess even that sorta counts.

    • Lana says:

      and my own little disclaimer- I don’t give a crap what anyone else does. In fact I am referred to as “that hippie” in my town because NO ONE does what I do around here. Though I do feel a little giggly as I quietly watch my natural sons running around in underwear at barely a year old while the other kids are still toting an extra ten pounds between their legs until they’re 3.5 years because I know I won’t be fighting my kids over toilet training at almost 4 or even 5.

      • C says:

        Definitely not a 10.

        • Liz D says:

          Definitely not. Wow.

          • Lana says:

            i think you misunderstand me, when I started E.C. I was laughed at, mocked actually. told it wouldn’t work and that I “didn’t know anything because I was yet to have kids” I was even told I would harm them.. by other parents in my town. then when it worked with the first baby they were all “you only have one child it won’t work when you have two to concentrate on!!” they were pissed because they were wrong and fekt defensive because they thought I was judging them FACT I don’t care if you NEVER toilet train your children or if you choose to do it at birth I am doing my own thing. So.. 21 months later I had my second and they held their breaths and stalked me (I don’t talk to these people if I can help it) and not only did DS1 not regress and pants wet but DS2 was done with only a 6 week difference in age. my disclaimer isn’t a personal insult to you or anyone else. more of a “told you so” to those who were mean to me and i am allowed to have an opinion about things that concern me.

  24. Kelly says:

    OMG, I’m about a 4 or maybe a 5 but I”m not crunchy at all! lol. This was hilarious, I’ve witnessed those “I’m crunchier than thou” conversations. Glad we have a scale now and your ending was perfect.

  25. Laura says:

    LMFAO, this was truly hilarious. I’ve been called granola by my family but there is so many more levels and I didn’t even know what some of that stuff was you mentioned! Holy moly! Thanks for the laugh!

  26. Carrie W says:

    I wanna be a diamond! Sadly, I’m not sure if I qualify, I think I *do* care a bit about what others think. I wish I didn’t. Crappy Momma, are you saying you DID eat your placenta? Or was that part in the disclaimer a joke?

  27. MommaKay says:

    LOL I loved this post. Sharing it!

  28. Jill says:

    You are brilliant the way you use this scale for a post and then simultaneously make fun of it and the meaninglessness of it all. Kudos for doing it without judgement too. You rock! This was hilarious!

  29. sara says:

    I can’t tell you how much I loved this and especially the parts about babywearing! Pamir! You are speaking my language, how do you know this language? Crappy Mommy, you must be more crunchy than you let on. ;)

  30. Christina says:

    “Guess what? I made this shit up.”

    THIS is why I love you!

  31. heather K. says:

    LOL, I don’t even rank although I did breastfeed so maybe I’m talc. So funny!

    This:

    “And then you’ll know whether you can be friends or not.”

    Perfection. I so remember those early days when everything was so raw and defined us like you said. Once your kid is elementary school aged none of it matters anymore. :)

  32. gena says:

    I relate to a lot of things in almost all the levels but certainly not all of them! I guess that makes me a diamond? :)

  33. Trisha says:

    It really does feel like a competition sometimes. Thank you for this post making fun of it all, it was a breath of fresh air!

  34. Wanda says:

    I don’t fall on your scale at all! But I don’t care about it so does that make me a diamond? ;)

  35. Char says:

    Ha, loved this post! I can nod along to some, raise one eyebrow at others, and aspire to yet more! So freaking hilarious!

  36. Beth says:

    I am 2 and I cheated. I am so uncrunchy… but I still love your blog.

  37. Robyn says:

    “Course then the kids get older. Before you know it, all of that stuff matters less and less.”

    Amen sister! Did I do many many crunchy things listed here? Yes I did. And they were very very important to me then. But looking back with kids who are 8 and 11 it just matters so much less. Plus I breastfed my 11 year old for longer than I admit in polite company and she still ended up with type 1 diabetes. I want my money back! I kid of course, but yeah it just matters so much less to me now. There are some things I’m still really glad that I did and things I still think are important but those are primarily the few things that still have impact day to day e.g. mainly related to discipline choices. The rest of it just doesn’t really matter so much in the grand scheme of things. You do you.

  38. Stephanie W says:

    The geologist in me loves this!

  39. KC says:

    Hehe! This was fantastic. Love it. I don’t mind being called crunchy. Especially when you tell people you write a blog. They need to know what you write about. What your brand is and one simple way it to say “all the crunchy mama stuff.” :)

  40. E.C. …But with disposable diapers.
    Cosleeping at the beginning, then adios busters
    Baby wearing + stroller too
    Homemade baby food …if a spoon and a banana/avocado count
    Breastfed like a zealot, then threw my 1 year old a cows milk birthday party and happily retired my boobs.

    What is granola when it isn’t really crunchy? I think I’m an oatmeal cookie!

  41. Jenn says:

    I always think, Surely I’m not THAT crunchy, my kids eat mac and cheese and love the Disney Princesses, but then I read these things, laugh, and go, Damn, I thought everyone did that! Hahaha!! Maybe I am pretty crunchy after all. (As I slurp the last of my Starbucks) Maybe not.

  42. Lisa says:

    Hilarious! This may be my favorite post of yours.

  43. carrie says:

    please tell me whether your part at the end was true or not! did you or did you not eat your placenta and have a homebirth? I’m dying to know!

  44. tacy says:

    You’re a genius. I was going to ask you what “no poo” hair care is, but decided I’d just google it instead. Gives me some time to work up the courage to find out.

    • Sal says:

      It is just “no shampoo” nothing too gross. No actual “poo” involved as in poop. ;0

    • Jackie says:

      Lots of curly-heads do no-poo. I never thought of it as a crunchy choice – just a healthy hair choice. Check out naturallycurly.com where it is often called “co-washing” (“conditioning” is the “co-“.

      And I am fairly crunchy according to some of the “fringe” practices mentioned, but also have TV (but no cable) and plastic + electronic toys. I am beyond babyhood, so much of this hardly matters anymore. Though guests at my child’s birthday party were slightly aghast that I used cloth towels in lieu of paper towels. I am mostly just frugal so I can spend more on other things – like wine. ;-)

      Cheers!

  45. Sal says:

    This is my favorite post of yours, evah.

  46. Sonia says:

    I want to be Fluorite. It’s so pretty. What’s that mean again?

    Haha love this post!!

  47. Amy Fifer says:

    Hmmm…I dabbled a little in everything yet I am traditional. Does this mean I have inconsistent crunchy tendencies?

  48. Erica says:

    “Can sew an entire quilt in one night by the light of handmade beeswax candles while sipping tea made from homegrown chamomile in a mug that was hand formed from clay mined from her backyard. While nursing.”

    I nearly spit out my (wait for it) TEA! It is mint tea though and the mug is from Ikea. :)

  49. mandy perillo says:

    Wow. I love this. I had to go the the library to read this and use their computer since we do not own any electrical devices ( you forgot that one) and I will now consider myself a diamond… if someone will send me some encapsulated placenta? Bwahahahaha. Love it!!! I fall into all the categories…..You rock!

  50. Sara B says:

    I’m around a 3.5, but with shades of levels as high as 8 (I did “no-poo” hair, and it absolutely worked, I was just too lazy to keep it up, so I reverted down to Burt’s Bee’s Shampoo which is only mid-level crunchy apparently)

  51. Angie says:

    Here I thought I was super crunchy! On your scale I’m only a 3! Your standards are super high.

  52. April says:

    Loved this. I thought I was crunchy-ish bec I cloth diaper and l enjoy home grown food. Apparently I’m missing out on so much more. Tonight I’ll pitch placenta eating to my husband, since I’m due soon. Then I can subvertively gauge HIS crunchiness level. Haha.

  53. Allyson says:

    Also being on this list also qualifies you for a spot on MMISB (my mom is so berekley) facebook page. hysterical! and I’m totally guilty!

  54. Nance says:

    I simply adore SouleMama so seeing her mentioned just made my day and I love that you know who she is and that you asked her permission! That just makes me love both of you more, you’re the only two blogs I consistently follow.

    I’m striving to be a diamond but I’m really more of a flourite.

  55. Kim R says:

    I get accused of being crunchy a lot. Like someone asked if I even shaved my legs…ha. Hmm. I’m a solid fluorite (see what I did there) but also caught doing things in column 6-8. Cray cray, man.
    I think it’s pretty funny that all these labels come about. Who cares!? As long as your kids are fed and happy and your method works for your family, more power to ya! I would be fine with being a crunchy hippie though. I love tie-dye and peace.

  56. sue tolkkinen says:

    Funny, as I was reading it I thought I was Coal…Diamonds come from coal so I guess I am Diamond

  57. Meghan says:

    I am co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, home baking, tv-watching, disposable diapering, and SUV driving. I wash my non-organic produce because screw food prices. And we vaccinate because measles and polio are nothing to mess with. But will I judge another mom because she buys her bread instead of slaving away in her kitchen every week? Heck no. I love this post!

  58. llaney says:

    Hahahaha Amber you are hi-larious! Breastfeeding? Sure! It’s free! And I don’t have to get up and warm a bottle in the middle of the night! Cloth diapers? Sure! Some friends got together and bought me 6 months of diaper service for a shower gift, so again, free!! Make my own babyfood? If it means mashing up the over-ripe banana on the counter or adding milk to the mashed potatoes we are already having for dinner, sure! It’s almost free!

    Drive a hybrid SUV? I could afford the car payments and I save $$ on gas during my 20-mile, one-hour-in-traffic-each-way stop-and=go commute, so that’s cheap! which is close to free!

    Guess I am crunchy like a handful of change you pull out of the couch cushions. Free money!! Wooo hooo!!

  59. Kristine says:

    I made it to 7, made me drop my head for a bit… till I reminded myself, “most of that is out of financial necessity, not because my nose is in the air and gives a shit.” lol

  60. Amy Boylan says:

    I’m so not crunchy, I could make other people soggy. However, I have done or considered doing a lot of these not for health, safety, the environment, blah blah blah, but because I’m cheap. I often have a hard time balancing my cheapness and my laziness (9 times out of 10, lazy wins out).

  61. Laurel says:

    I know this whole thing is about how silly and competative some people get about being “Crunchy” and there’s some silly airheads who are reacting by calling themselves “Silky” which probably means they’re already giving their one year olds botox injections, but I digress.

    On two points I still say that if you:

    1) circumcise your child, regardless of sex, are automatically invalidated from any other crunchy status. I used to think it was normal, and then I learned the truth about it, I can never accept this as a ‘valid’ parenting choice. It’s not our body, so it’s not our choice. And don’t go on about vaccinations. Where as vaccinations are actually proven to be effective in preventing dangerous viruses from killing us/disabling us, circumcision’s “medical benefits” associated with it are disputed by hundreds, if not thousands of physicians around the world. All the same reasons given for male circumcision are given for female circumcisions in cultures where it’s still considered an important rite.

    2) Same goes for choosing optional C-sections to make the “date more convenient” and

    3) for “choosing” to bottle feed when you’re perfectly capable of breastfeeding. My neighbour said to me “but it’s so much easier! What I found out later is that she expected her husband to get up at night and feed the kid. So, yeah, I guess it was easier for her at night o_O

    • Crill says:

      ^ Yet yours is the only judgey comment in the bunch. No, you really DON’T get the point of this post.

    • Candace says:

      Why’d ya have to go and condescendingly barf all over the comments? We were having fun.

      • Laurel says:

        Her post *would have been* completely hillarious, and nothing more, had she not mentioned circumcision off the cuff in the intro and then completely disregarded it in all of the points she made.

        It’s the elephant in the room people still don’t want to talk about, yet still do, but don’t.

        If you think that pointing it out makes me the spoil-sport, then perhaps you need to reassess where you’re coming from.

        And Kari, your Father in Law’s experience doesn’t mean that there’s much of a chance that any future children will have the same problem. This type of thinking is what had doctors recommending routinely removing tonsils and appendixes years back. Plus, you don’t know if the recurrant infections weren’t something due to his behaviour as an adult. He might have been promiscuous and had repeated STD infections… and if you’re living in the US, it’s much more common for doctors to prescribe medication for women and circumcision for the EXACT SAME INFECTION in men.

        And if you don’t want to breastfeed, because it’s your body, then why did you bother getting pregnant in the first place? isn’t that so much more invasive than breastfeeding? SMH

        • Angela says:

          She brought up circumcision like this:

          “How we awkwardly fumbled around subjects like vaccinations or circumcision or extended breastfeeding and tried to fish out each other’s stance on it.”

          In the context of controversial topics that were hard to discuss with other new moms because they’d judge you and jump all over you for it as your comments have just proved is quite common.

          My son is intact but I still find your comments completely inappropriate here. It is ironic, isn’t it? On a post that is all about accepting others’ differences that you are the only one alienating everyone and criticizing the writer in the comments?

          Please take a deep breath and step away from the computer. This post isn’t about whether or not ANY of these choices are right or wrong. It is about accepting each other as human and finding the ability to laugh at ourselves.

        • Kari says:

          You’ve never met my father-in-law, so don’t make any judgements about his moral character! He’s a good Christian man from a family that strongly believes in marriage for life. My in-laws married when they were very young, and he started getting the infections after they’d been married over 20 years. I don’t know all the details obviously, but I do know he got several painful infections and was eventually circumcised because of them. My husband saw his father go through that, and wanted to prevent his son from suffering the same. You can say his decision was misguided if you want, but it came from his heart, wanting what’s best for his child.

    • teagansmomma says:

      Here comes the fun police, party of one…this is all done in jest…Did you lose your grain of salt?

    • Lana says:

      hello, I’m going to be the nice one to leave a message on this comment, while I agree with you that those aren’t very good reasons for all the things you mentioned. Just remember re your points 2 and 3 that HER body HER choice also counts and if she wants to have her body gutted like a fish or doesn’t like the idea of nourishing her baby with her body and would prefer to do it via a bottle and formula that IS her decision. I didn’t circ and am firmly against it, my first was a natural birth my second was almost completely unassisted in a car park- really! and I tandem nursed my boys. I agree with you.. but probably save these comments for when someone is asking or a serious post this is just a bit of fun.

      • Heather says:

        Lana I love your comment. I agree with all your points. I don’t agree with these things either but I think it’s in bad taste to judge someone’s parenting skills on one choice they made. It’s not like they can take it back so there’s no sense in getting in their face about it. Just get on that high horse and trot on because there’s nothing to see here.

      • Laurel says:

        I appreciate you being the nice one, and you make some valid points, but I don’t see the point in mentioning circumcision in the intro and then ignoring it in the main section. Like I said in the other reply, this would have been totally hillarious if she had left it out entirely from the post.

        I appreciate different parenting styles, but when you start defending people’s choices to bottle feed when they have perfectly functional breasts (yes, when the mother is unable and doesn’t have a support system, formula is an alternative, however goat’s milk is as well) because it’s ‘their body’, I have to ask, why did they choose to be pregnant in the first place. As if pregnancy isn’t more invasive than breastfeeding? Breastfeeding is one of the best things about motherhood. Considering it optional is bizarre.

        • Angela says:

          “I don’t see the point in mentioning circumcision in the intro and then ignoring it in the main section.”

          Why not? I don’t think the writer thinks that circumcision/intact is crunchy or not. That would be stupid. As I wrote above, it was mentioned as an example of a controversial topic that was difficult to talk about.

        • carrie says:

          “Breastfeeding is one of the best things about motherhood. Considering it optional is bizarre.”

          This makes me wonder if you are a troll. A mother’s body is a mother’s body. I’m not saying I don’t believe that breast is best because I do, but I also would never say something so shortsighted as that. Until I can walk in someone else’s shoes I’ll never know the reasons she chooses what she does. Who am I to say what someone should or shouldn’t do?

        • Junie says:

          You clearly have not worked with rape victims, ethnically diverse, low SES, teens, poorly educated, and/or immigrant mothers, etc…some of whom are in their teens and some of whom are in 20-40’s. Perhaps in your “women’s’ lib” world you can “choose to become pregnant”, but that’s not always the case. In a lot of ways it’s a privilege to CHOOSE and then enjoy these “crunchy” birthing and child-rearing behaviors. It might be natural to you but, your ignorant and out of touch if you think everyone has/had/wants/wanted the same. Shame on you for imparting such judgement! We’re all women. Ideally, we get to choose what is done and how it is done to our bodies. Unfortunately, some of us aren’t that lucky or have the resources needed. Regardless of your “understanding” you should be respectful! Consider that women can opt for and/or decline practices based on their own specific circumstances.

        • Lana says:

          Hi Laurel. coming from someone who suffered sexual abuse for many many years it was extremely hard for me to go through pregnancy, but it wasn’t a visual. I couldn’t see the baby. I couldn’t see it sucking the life out of me. giving birth naturally happened for me because 1 they wouldn’t give me an elective section and 2 because deep down I want to be more than a survivor. I want to over come.

          I had to CHOOSE my baby every single day in order to breastfeed. It was very difficult in the beginning because I’d look down and see the little munchkin sucking and feel sick. It got easier of course but for many people who are still victims *not a judgement victimization is a state of mind* they cannot psychologically handle the child at the breast. For them (for me) breastfeeding is the WORST part of parenting. my youngest is still nursing.

          And as for circumcision I was simply saying “time and place” in a debate I will totally cut people off at the legs when it’s “my time to shine” but that wasn’t here. This was just supposed to be fun and I did my best to ignore the elephant.

          For all we know Amber may have chosen circ for her children (I don’t want to know either way) Many people do for many reasons. I don’t agree with any reason other than baby cannot urinate but I try not to judge because the reason they choose it that they love their babies and truly believed it’s what’s best for them. I will argue the point if they bring it up with me though.

          Most people choose to have it done well before the babe is born and nothing will change their minds. So i save my breath for those who want to know about the “pro’s and cons”

    • Kari says:

      My FIL was not circ’ed as a baby, then got a terrible infection and had to be circ’ed as an adult. When we found out we were having a boy, DH insisted we circ him so he wouldn”t risk going through that. I don’t see how respecting my husband’s wishes invalidates the healthy decisions I’ve made for my family.

      But my motivation is and will always be based on what’s best for my family’s health: physically, mentally, and financially. I hate labels, criticism, and close-mindedness, but I do appreciate a good sense of humor, which is what this post seems to be all about :)

      • Austin says:

        @Kari, Thank you for sharing that. We may also need to circumcise our son purely for medical reasons (it is not considered normal in the country where we live).
        And please, @Laurel, never compare male circumcision and female genital cutting. If we must draw parallels, perhaps we could compare male circumcision to clitoral hood reduction/removal, for example… Or female genital cutting to the removal of the glans penis or sewing up of the foreskin, if such a thing existed.

        • Laurel says:

          Ausin, don’t assume to be able to tell me what I can and cannot compare. As it so happens, the most common form of FGM is exactly that: the removal of the clitoral hood, and is done routinely and there’s a very famous blog entry about a woman who did this to her newborn daughter. It’s been recently deleted, but I’m sure there’s some anti-circ activists who will have saved the info. The url was:

          http://aandes.blogspot.be/2010/04/circumcision.html

          So, if you were to actually familiarize yourself with the subject matter, you would see that the type of female circumcision most common in the world is nearly precisely the exact same thing as the MGM performed in the United States routinely.

          But no, as more often than not, you (like so many others) prefer to stay inside your safe little bubble repeating the same lies over and over to yourself to comfort yourself that you ‘did the right thing’, which may hav been your intention, but is sadly more likely not to be the case.

          Genital cutting is genital cutting: regardless of the gender.

          Ask yourself: if the mere ritualistic pricking of the prepuce (clitoral hood) of baby girls is illegal, why is the full removal of the prepuce (foreskin) of boys permitted?

          Oh, and the difference between the two is that boys have more than twice the number of nerves in their foreskins than girls do in their clitoral hood.

          Switch out ‘circumcision’ with ‘removal of the clitoral hood’ in this and it ceases to be funny.

          I LOVE PIWCP, but I urge you to please remove the circumcision reference from your post. It has no place in an otherwise hillarious post.

        • Lana says:

          what you’ve just described is actually called infibrillation and there is a type like that for boys it’s called sub incision and the traditional Kaurna people were I live, here in Australia still practice it. it’s where they remove the foreskin and then split the shaft open from corona to base. sometimes they also remove the glans but I am not sure they’re supposed to i think that may have been accidental. there are 4 degrees of circumcision for both males and females.

          here’s a link about sub incision but be warned there is a very grapphic photograph of an erect subincised penis.

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penile_subincision

      • Laurel says:

        Naturally your motivation is to do what is best for your family. You felt motivated to fix something that wasn’t broken. Research in a non-circing society showed that the chance of actually needing a circumcision for medical reasons was less than 1/16.000.

        But go right ahead and try and convince yourself that just because women who get infections in the united states get medication and men are recommended amputation of their foreskin for the very same infections that your prophillactive action of choosing something irreversable for your son was the right thing to do.

        If you hate closed mindedness so much, perhaps you might have suggested that you allowed your son to grow up and make the decision for himself what to do with his own foreskin (and then perhaps AFTER he had any problems, hopefully nothing to do with forced retraction or washing the genital region with soap).

        • Ali says:

          Laurel, do you give your anti-circ speeches to your Jewish friends? Are they still friends with you after your lectures?

          • Kari says:

            I was wondering the same thing, Ali… apparently Jewish moms of boys are automatically non-crunchy, regardless of where they’d fall on this scale??

            Btw, my son’s circumcision has long since healed, and he’s a happy, healthy child. I really don’t see the point in chewing me out for a decision that I left up to my husband several years ago…

    • LMRO says:

      Oh my. Fun sponge alert!

      • Melly says:

        There’s always one! I think that one embodies the whole reason for Ambers post!
        Perhaps there is a coal type in crunchiness-you know, they barrel out a whole heap of drivel why people should do this and that and why they ‘just can’t understand’ why someone wouldn’t breastfeed, do this, that or the other bla bla bla.

  62. Joanna says:

    So awesome, you never disappoint.. Thanks for yet another fantastic post that makes my day.

  63. Brenda LW says:

    Back in the 80’s I was a 4 (except for the use of glass containers- that famous plasticware was all the rage) but had a friend who was a 9 so I didn’t feel crunchy at all :). Soon I am going to be a Nana and I would have to say that I am still a 4 but with traits from 5-7.

  64. Casey says:

    Not giving a crap makes you a diamond?!? Sweet. Diamond it is.

  65. Erynn says:

    There needs to be a ‘so cheap she’s crunchy’ level. Covering msot of the silly things we do that also overlap with being a cheap cow.

  66. Lisa says:

    HAHAHA I LOVE this!!! As a geologist i really get the joke and I am a solid level 5, kinda 6, this is one of the funniest things I have read all year. Thanks for the laugh :)

  67. gem says:

    I think I’m apatite. I love that I can “have” 2 qualities per stone/hardness level. Other crunchy tests or definitions assume if I breastfeed, I must drive a hybrid or if I had a natural birth that I ate my placenta. I might cosleep and make organicbaby food and have a moby wrap but television is my best babysitter and I love disposable diapers. For blow outs which I think I heard my 5 mo old just do…bye!

  68. Barbara says:

    I’m a new mom AND a geologist. This just TOTALLY made my week. Thank you for referencing the minerals.

    PS. Amen for the diamonds. They make new motherhood workable.

  69. Michelle says:

    I made it to 7 except I put the kids in front of the TV so I could read this lol. Does that still count? ha ha

  70. Laura says:

    Ohhhmmyyygawwwdddd…..I seriously was choking on my popcorn reading this and had it coming out my nose!!! I think this HAS to go into your next book!!!!!! Next to the cat post (where they receive messages from the mothership) this was the best read ever!!!!! Sure there are crunchy mamas out there pissed telling you that you got it all wrong….but LOVE LOVE LOVE!!

  71. Shannon says:

    I do not do most of these things, but I do know some people who do. I love this post though! I think everyone parents different and 1. It doesn’t mean we can’t all be friends and 2. It doesn’t mean that my choices are better than yours or vice versa! The best choice is the one you make for your family following your own instincts. Anyway, awesome post as usual!!

  72. Jen says:

    I guess I’m a 1….only because I kind of resemble the description…other than that I am a 0..guess I’m not crunchy enough to be hip. I love reading your blog, but I gotta say pretty much all the things you listed I would never do. LOL I’m pretty relaxed and most of the people I know that are “crunchy” are way too uptight for me…it’s like it’s “cool” to be that way. My kid watches too much tv, I feed him like a normal person, not “special” food…some of it is organic, but once in a while he gets McDonalds…and I’m ok with it cuz it’s not going to kill him. He’s happy and healthy and to me that’s all that matter…not making my own food/clothes/or any other ridiculous thing in this lifetime – ‘Ain’t nobody got time for that”!

  73. Han says:

    We have what you call “food weirdness” due to allergies. I don’t think your scale is very accurate.

  74. Lacy says:

    HA! Oh my goodness this is so amazing. Thank you for posting.

  75. Dawn says:

    I do a lot of these things, but never considered myself crunchy…just frugal! :) Who knew? Why would I pay top dollar for an outside toy my son will destroy in one season, when I can pick it up at a yard sale for $1.00? Homemade baby food? Sure, if you consider tossing our leftovers into the blender to be homemade baby food. Can you consider yourself to be crunchy if you used solely disposable diapers and let your son have free reign of the TV for Nick and Disney Jr all day long?

  76. Kathy H says:

    hahaha, I guess I am sorta a diamond tho nowhere near as cool as Soulemama Amanda. But I do sub to her blog and read it at least once a week and wish I was as cool as her!! My kids go to public school, tho, so I maybe I am not really a diamond? Heck, I don’t care.

  77. Tina says:

    I do a bit from each category. But that’s just me, it’s how I was raised. And I love being able to share my love of these things with like minded people.

  78. Minnie says:

    ha ha- Okay, I am second down on the list. I do shop on Etsy and drink Elderberry juice on occasion, as well as see a naturopathic physician. I get severely annoyed at self righteous people who think they are saving the earth by not using (or re-washing) plastic baggies, etc. I think hemp clothing and dreads are hideous. I drive a minivan and am proud. We don’t own a TV but that’s more for moral reasons rather than “latest studies show….blah blah blah”. So, I’m pretty messed up on the scale, but I’ll chose 2nd down and go with it.

  79. Kathy H says:

    oh wait, I am pro science so I can’t be above a 7! And I don’t can or jam or build barns. LOL

  80. anon says:

    I have a blog where I write about crunchy parenting and I don’t do it to be preachy. I do it to educate. :(

    • Lana says:

      there’s a difference to running a website with information in it to standing on a soapbox and screaming your lungs out at people as they walk by though that is also sometimes a necessity. As long as you don’t make people leave feeling like shit then it’s okay.

      • Jen says:

        I agree, having the info at hand it great for people looking for it. Posting things on FB in all caps saying moms should be doing this or they are bad moms is not how it works.

    • amber says:

      Yeah, it’s all in the tone.

  81. Nora N says:

    LOL I love it! I baby wore a few times…..and I think that’s about where it ends ha!

  82. csa says:

    What are *you*, Crappy Mama?

  83. Dawn says:

    Wouldn’t 9 and 10 just be Amish?

    • Lana says:

      I’m not Amish- I live in australia and do almost all the things mentioned.. we do have electricity and we do own a tv… but it’s not for the kids and we use toilet paper but that’s about it. And you only have to qualify for two of each number to possibly qualify for the next number according to the rules.. and diamonds mean you don’t give a crap so I guess that means you could be a 1 AND a 10… :-D

    • Tricia says:

      That’s kind of rude.

  84. Ashley says:

    LOLOLOL! “Several different purple dresses”…well, go knit yourself another one ASAP! :) Love you – love your work!

  85. Dinz says:

    The last few sound like pilgrims. This is hilarious.

  86. Natalia says:

    OK, I won’t sleep now, what’s the hell the Amber necklace is ?? My husband is American (i’m not), he doesn’t know either..

  87. Joy says:

    I LOVE the Ox Cart Man! I want that life!!

    Awesome post!!

  88. Allison says:

    Thank you for this. Thank you so so much.

  89. teagansmomma says:

    So, I got to number 8 or so, and thought if this is a scale of crunchiness, I must be “flour” or some other un-crunchy thing… until I got to number 10. There’s where I fit in, and no, I’m not bragging…lol

  90. YS says:

    I do whatever needs to be done and what I can and whatever I like… The scale is fun though.. I would never thought of myself as ‘crunchy’ before.. This post is fun.. and comments below from people missing the whole point are also fun. :)

  91. Teachermom says:

    I just wanted to remark that your drawings of various rocks and minerals, and your knowledge of the relative, actual “crunchiness” of said minerals is quite impressive!

    I’m not really any of these. Well, that’s not true; I’m a smattering of some of them (no TV, bake my own bread, feel strongly about breastfeeding… but also love my minivan without guilt, use plain Rubbermaid plastic containers, and allow my kids to occasionally eat a happy meal.) So, I would not identify myself as “crunchy” or I’m a 1 at most.

  92. Jill says:

    Hahahaha! I actually belong to a mom’s group where one intro meeting was about “how crunchy are you?” Needless to say that group really was not for me…(I have enough judgmental people in my life!) The mason jar killed me! I was drinking water from mine while reading this and spit out the water laughing! I love my mason glasses…they are the only cups in my house that can survive me dropping them on the floor while I put them into the dishwasher!!! Awesome post!

  93. Ellie says:

    Surely missing out on Mooncup/Diva cup level?

  94. Diana says:

    Love this! Almost didn’t make it to the end but glad I did. As I read it I kept thinking, well, I use mason jars but I don’t do that…I cloth diaper..but Kale is gross…not interested in eating my placenta, we don’t own a TV…I DO grow my own food and really really hope to have chickens one day, but I do own plastic food receptacles that probably will kill us eventually, oh and I DO love my mini van…Guess I get to be everybody’s friend! Diamond!

  95. Misty says:

    I guess I’m not crunchy in any aspect… I planned for a natural birth had to have c-section, planned to breastfeed but my milk never came in, NEVER crossed my mind to have cloth diapers, I relied on jarred baby food from the grocery store, had a Bjorn and never used it, I did use a bassinet for 6 months, screen time is not limited (my son has learned quite a lot from Team Umizoomi, Dora and Yo Gabba Gabba), but I also work full time, sit in traffic for 3 hours out of my day and have a husband who isn’t very hands on with anything… son or household chores.

    • Lana says:

      I think your intentions count too! after all if it’s a scar or a dead baby you knew what to pick!
      And some of the crunchiest mamas I know work outside of the home. In fact one of them I met because I donate breast milk- she wanted her LO to have milk but had to work as such she dried up- enter milk sharing! her babe went 2years on my milk and a couple other mama’s milk.
      As for disposable dipes.. do whatever works for you dude you can be crunchy in other ways.

  96. Amy says:

    Love it. Now we need one for homeschooling!!

  97. Bonny says:

    WOW!!! I am a WHOLE lot crunchier that I thought I was. With the exception of levels 6 and 10 I meet at least two of each category and I don’t preach to others nor do I care what they think of me s I am going to say that I fall into the slightly flawed Diamond category. lol Also, my kids are older (youngest is 14 now) so a lot of the things don’t apply to me anymore, so I took into consideration what I used to do.

  98. Jen says:

    LOL this is GREAT!! I have many moms on my FB feed that do noting but preach. This post makes me feel so much better about hating their posts! I guess I’m a 1 or like some one said earlier, is there something before fluffy, silky? But then I’m a diamond because I don’t care how you raise your child. If you and baby are happy great! Leave me to my parenting please because we are happy :) Great post.

  99. Tricia says:

    Many of my “crunchy” habits are things that make my life simpler. Baby led weaning–when the first time you feed your 6mo and he flings it away and screams until you leave him alone, baby led weaning is the first step to saving my sanity.
    Nursing–I just finished up nursing, when my son was 16 or 17mo. It’s been about a month and he is PISSED when he asks for milk, but I was done. Up until that point though, it was the easiest thing to help him calm down and since he refuses both binkies and his thumb/fingers…easiest for me.
    Elimination communication–more poop/pee in the potty equals less diapers. Diaper time is no-fun-time and the less we do it, the happier Mommy is.
    Cloth diapers–makes me feel good to save the environment, plus helps with earlier potty training. Plus we are on a once-a-month garbage pickup. And I shamelessly use a diaper service.
    Baby food–I made my own for my first baby, but just skipped straight to baby led weaning for #2. Who has time to be puree-ing that stuff??
    And don’t forget cosleeping–we did that for about 6-7 months for both kids because it was the easiest way to get sleep. Less crying at night=more sleep. That’s good for everyone!

  100. alexis says:

    Amber,
    You are hilarious! You have truly out done yourself!
    Thank you for the MANY salty laughs!

  101. Ellie says:

    How sad is it that I can recognise a lot of those wraps from the crappy illustrations? :-D I am a 5/6 with a few omissions and a few spikes into 7. This is a fab post. :-)

  102. angela says:

    What a great post! I live in a very crunchy place, and, as I told a friend recently, I feel like I’m the last mom on earth whose kids aren’t eating “flavor-free, gluten-free, organic nutrition paste” for breakfast every morning. I will try to remember this post when I feel like everyone’s “crunching at me.” :)

    • Lana says:

      Our family is genuinely gluten intolerant. My poor hubby is coeliac and passed the gene to our boys.. so it’d be easier for me if everyone was gluten free.. but I see your point. if your not allergic to gluten then why worry? grains in moderation are fine.

  103. craftmangler says:

    what the hell am i? I have an entire closet dedicated to raw sheep wool (handspinner) and i just made Top Ramen for my 4 year-old.
    worlds collide?

  104. Amanda Reed says:

    Ok, and what the frick am I if I did/do a handful of those things from lots of different numbers but think the rest is way too fanatical to me? LOL I must be peanut butter, with a few nuts….

  105. Amber says:

    As someone who just drove her electric car through Burger King I fucking love this!! I also love Soulemama, favorite internet stop of the day.

    • Lana says:

      I love burger king (Hungry Jacks here in Oz) and McDonalds KFC.. all delicious bits of naughty.. wish they made grass-fed free range but every now and then I don’t mind rebelling either.

  106. Laura says:

    Heaven help me, I’m an 8! lol

  107. Jessica says:

    My favorite part: “Guess what? I made this shit up. Relax. You can place yourself wherever the hell you want.”

  108. Another Cara says:

    A calcite-ish doesn’t really care what people think here! And now the geologist in me is trying really hard to generate a situation where both minerals occur in the same rock…

  109. jen says:

    Crunch Free and Proud of it!

  110. Kara says:

    Hmmmmm, I guess I am a diamond….. I never really realized how “crunchy” I was until I read your list….. I don’t really consider myself “crunchy”, rather just taking a more natural approach for my family, lol.

    • Lana says:

      i got caught by surprise too and most of the stuff I do is out of necessity! though I also harbor a love of permaculture. But as for most of it-$$$$$ is the reason.

  111. Teru says:

    “We only eat local, organic food that has been blessed by vegan unicorns.” HAHAHA!

  112. Rebekkah Smith says:

    Haha! I’m a solid 3, but I definitely have some cruchier traits. We homeschool and use mason jars. A lot! lol

  113. Heidi says:

    Holy sh!t, when I read the last 4 I thought, “No way those people exist outside of a commune in the 1960’s”. Then I read the comments… I think it’s even funnier that people will actually judge you based on what kind of Tupperware you use or how you sleep with your kid. I miss my 1970’s early childhood where we left our house first thing in the am on a Saturday and we didn’t see our parents again until dinner time.

  114. Kara says:

    I LOVE THIS! And I really laughed out loud at the SouleMama reference. As I was reading #9 I immediately thought of Amanda, so your reference was perfect! I love reading about her days and pretending I could do half the stuff she does.

  115. The Milk Meg says:

    This is probably the best thing I have ever read. I actually LOLed for real!

  116. celtictara says:

    Every nervous parent to be needs to read this. Brilliant!

    • SJH says:

      Yeah, they should read the post and skip some of the comments. I’m pretty laid-back, but some of those preachy comments started making me feel defensive/question my choices. How sad (and ironic!) on such a great post.
      (Thank you, Amber, for letting us know that we’re all doing fine. Each in our own way. :) )

  117. I hit a couple in each all the way up to level 7. Btw- “several purple dresses” I want to write like you when I grow up.

  118. Tasha says:

    According to this scale I am about MINUS 10 lol, EarthMother I am not!! Women who go on and on and on about this stuff make me sick, they always seem to feel like it’s their duty to convert you LOL

  119. Beth says:

    I rofld SO much… amazing how you managed to keep me in EVERY category and I was like I guess I’m not ultimately crunchy… but a diamond… wohoo!! And here I thought… I must not be crunchy at all (been pondering this lately – since BF failed again and we finally have disbanded our family bed and TV has been reintroduced).

    thing is I never had enough self-discipline to stick to ONE discipline. But oh my you put me in ALL :)

    Awesome I am sharing this!! hihiiih

  120. CKelly says:

    Hysterical! I can remember being so uptight about things like this. Now I’ve got a 14, 12, and 10 year old, and it seems like I wasted a lot of time on trying to be crunchy! You’ll probably all get a kick out of this. Makes me cry laughing every.single.time. http://www.mothering.com/community/t/289877/the-im-crunchier-than-thou-thread/0_100

  121. Lucy says:

    Brilliant. This has cracked me right up!
    I’m not sure where I am… I’d love to be a diamond!
    I’ve recently made beeswax candles with my nearly 27 months old who I breastfeed (so two ticks so far ;)).
    I am/will be home educating (Waldorf inspired), He wears cloth nappies, We did baby-led-weaning, we babywear (I so want to own a Girasol one day :P) My placenta is in the freezer…., We co-sleep, We much prefer wooden toys, and hand-made! We would rather own organic/fair trade stuff but sometimes it’s just too expensive. We don’t have a TV Licence but we watch what we want without adverts on demand TV, We are gentle parents/unconditional parenting etc! Non-circ! My son is vaxxed but we don’t know if that was the right choice, I was going to homebirth but had to transfer and had an emergency caesarean birth, we din’t use family cloth, I haven’t got my son an amber teething necklace but was close to at one point, We’d love a hut in the woods/solar panels/chicken’s/self sufficiency!
    SO who knows what that makes me lol But I’d like to be a diamond!
    Fab post!!

  122. Sierra says:

    I’m a 1! And proud of it. (Though we did co-sleep and stuff…)

  123. Betsy Luczaj says:

    As a geologist I am very happy to see the Moh’s hardness scale. I think I am a metamorphic rock like a talc schist, so I am mostly talc, but have some other minerals layered in, with hopefully a lot of diamond. Another great post :)

  124. mel says:

    Love it. Although I think where you live or were raised may make a difference. As a southerner I’d rate pretty high on the cruncy scale except all our vegetables are fried and all our drinks are made with real sugar. ;-)

  125. Katrina Wilson says:

    What is non-circ / anti-circ?

  126. Laura Twinmom says:

    I fall in the completely NOT crunchy category….I buy stuff at walmart and my kids watch some tv already (Elmo movies mainly). I also drive a mini van, and curretnly own ZERO purple dresses! Plese don’t hate me! lol!

  127. Charla N. says:

    I consider myself a Creme Brulee crunchy mom. I cloth diaper but the pricey cutie ones saving little to no money, I shop at garage sales but for stuff to sell on Ebay. I babywear because I have four boys and have run out of places to stick them in the shopping cart so now I have to tie them to my body. I breastfeed because I need an excuse to hide from my in laws during holidays. I co-sleep because I’m lazy in the middle of the night. I do recycle my washer water by draining it to my english rose garden and have amazing roses because of it. We vax, we circ and we are happy out of our minds. Life is good, live it so it makes you happy!

  128. Emily says:

    I fall crunchy in places, non in others. I planned to breastfeed but couldn’t because of medical reasons so I squeezed and fought for 3 months against the doctors’, lactation consultants, experts, etc recommendations… which I consider pretty danged crunchy. Then bottlefed in breastfeeding position, doing everything I could to emulate breastfeeding. But, I used formula because I consider it more scientifically safe. And I have an Ergo, extend rear-face, extend-bottlefeeding, baby-led weaning…. My 1 year old with 2 teeth was given an apple slice today by my husband, it’s how we roll. But we also roll in a mini-van and I love it because I can take my 3 kids + my mom, husband, and even the dog someplace. I also walk my daughter to school every day rather than using the car. We read 30-60 minutes every day at least at night, more if we read a few books here and there during the day.

    So I fall in the crunchy scale. But in other ways, like TV… I don’t. :P My 3 year old is a Ghostbusters fan and has seen the movies over and over and over again, and I’m proud of that.

    The ONLY time you’ll see me totally get angry or in someone’s face though is when they put down formula feeding. This wasn’t a choice for me. My mom donated milk. I wanted to donate milk. So when someone starts talking like formula is a form of poison, or overinflating the risks of formula, then I’m likely to defend that choice for the mommas and poppas out there who need formula.

    But definitely crunchy around the edges.

    • Emily says:

      And just a little aside… caramel goes GREAT with salt, so crunchy and soft totally work.

    • Emily says:

      Oh, and before someone jumps on me, formula is more safe than donated breastmilk from strangers, which is what I would have had to use. That’s what I mean by it being safer.

      • Lana says:

        I’m a donor, I understand there is definitely a risk when using the milk of a stranger. Plenty of mama’s have used my milk.. because I understand this risk I always insisted on delivering the milk myself, always boiled the pump and bottles right before I used them and always washed my erm.. chest.. before pumping for other peoples babies. Most donors I know do this. Obviously it’s still going to be a gamble though for the parents.

        • Mama2three says:

          Here in Canada, donation is coordinated through the hospital, so the milk is all tested and (I think) pasteurized before being given to the recipients.

          • Charity says:

            That happens here in the US as well but there are a lot more stringent regulations hospitals make you go through. Moms still donate to them, though. I chose to donate to someone locally because I had a stash built up that was going to go to waste. There are organizations here that will help you locate mommas in need or mommas who have milk to spare.

  129. Lauren says:

    I’m probably just a “talc” on the crunchy scale, though I did do a few things further down the list. But the fact that you wrote “eggs” and drew an arrow to the chicken’s butt just made me spit my diet coke all over the screen. Too funny!

  130. Kim says:

    I’m so uncrunchy it’s not even funny. The ONLY crunchy thing I am guilty of is co-sleeping with my oldest but only because she simply would not sleep by herself. I never went through the judgmental mom thing because I became a mom at 18 and none of my friends had kids (which was good in a way because no one cared enough about parenting to form an opinion). When my 2nd daughter came 7 years later I just repeated what worked the first time. I just hate when people think you’re a bad parent because you do something different from them. Don’t judge me and I won’t judge you! Love this post though…. As always it was halarious!

  131. Simone Sunflower Lively says:

    Calcite/fluorite – that’s me ;)

  132. AJ says:

    Thanks for an awesome post. I was cracking up all the way, because I’ve been all of those, but now I have teenagers. ; )

  133. AJ says:

    Teenagers mean, they are becoming the same, and becoming the opposite of that. They used to love being raised in that awesome environment, but now they make fun of it. My long haired boy decidedly wanted his hair cut, and my long haired daughters, one who is vegan, no longer approve of my mom clothing (birks, loose fitting tie-dyed tee and faded jeans). Awesome article. Great to look back on.

  134. Sarah T says:

    I don’t think of myself as crunchy at all, but by your system, I’m about an 8, really more like a 5 or 6. In our area, that’s unfashionably un-crunchy!

  135. Margret says:

    I have teen boys, so:
    What the hell is a ‘mama cloth’?

  136. Carey says:

    This isso freaking funny to me, only because I was using the Amanda Soule scale of crunch to compare these to. The fact that she was your punchline is priceless to me. :-)

  137. Andrea says:

    “blessed by vegan unicorns.” Best. Line. Ever.

  138. Kendal says:

    Wow, this is great. I have definitely been a little bit of all these crunchiness levels at various times….but the overall trend has been to become less and less crunchy as my child grows. We started out with reusable cloth wipes and diapers, home birth with midwives, cosleeping in the family bed, extended nursing, etc etc…and now my kid has more than one sweatshop-made shirt with sparkles on it, an obsession with My Little Ponies, an unhealthy ipad habit, and knowledge (and correct usage) of all the bad words. I am still uncomfortably crunchy about sugar though, since it turns her into the spawn of satan without fail.

  139. Adelia says:

    I loved this- I was just talking to a friend about how I was worried when I met her if I could be her friend when I found out she was a homebirthing herbalist when I just baby wore – but then she used her potty mouth to refer to another mom who couldn’t keep her breastfeed until death views to herself and knew we were soul mates.
    I am so amused to find myself all over the scale and still I had three things I had to google;)

  140. Lisa M says:

    Love it. I’m a self-admitted 4… but I have some friends in the 6,7,8 range :)

  141. Brit says:

    Everyone in my family thinks I’m a crazy hippie. According to this, I’m not that bad. I don’t even own a single animal.

  142. beata says:

    I’m a 4 that no-poo’s…with WEN so I guess that makes me a 1. HAHA. Love it.

  143. Liz says:

    This was simply fab! I had to google no poo and family cloth though!! Lol

  144. Heidi says:

    I knew you were a dirty hippie at heart, Amber! Can we be best friends and knit together?

    • amber says:

      Well, I don’t actually knit. I mean, I’ve tried but I don’t have the patience. But you could teach me as long as there was wine and swearing allowed.

  145. Rachel DeFo says:

    I think I’m about a TWO on the scale, but there are parts of me that go all the way into about 8-9 but I don’t do them all the time and I don’t give a rat’s butt about what other people do. I believe you just go with it and the kid kinda tells you what they need. I’m to the point where I don’t have time or energy to worry about what he’s putting in his mouth or what kind of foods or diapers he has. He shits in the diapers, if they hold the shit and pee in great!! If he eats something I’m good with that too! :)

  146. Anne says:

    Interesting how much things have changed since I had my babies +/- 30 years ago. Natural birth of course, cloth diapers, breastfed until they didn’t want to anymore. I made their baby food, mostly smooched up what we were eating. Carried them in a Snugli or Gerry Pack (youngest hated the Snugli so into the back pack when very tiny), never had much use for strollers which back then were sort of awful. Grew a lot of our own food. Organic? BPA? They are all wonderful 30-ishs, and the mom in there so far is a great mom. I hope I did it right.

  147. Lisa Lutes says:

    Oh wow, I guess I am pretty crunchy. And all this time I just assumed I was lazy and cheap…

  148. Silverdragon says:

    Wow, my eyes have totally been opened! I’m going to claim a 10, because I don’t really care what other people think of how I raise my kids and short of abuse or neglect, I don’t judge others on their methods either. Not everyone has the same opportunities and resources, or knowledge and shaming people who are doing their best is counter-productive. Love your work, Amber – thanks for spreading the non-judgy cheer! :)

  149. Bogdana says:

    Fact: my baby has had teeth sice 4 months. He DESTROYS wooden toys. Fuck expensive wooden toys. Those plastic keys were cheap AND they’re still here AND don’t give him splinters

  150. Adrienne says:

    I think I’m a combo of an 8 and a 6, which I guess makes me about a 7. Awesome!

  151. Jackie says:

    This was hilarious!

  152. Charlise says:

    This is HILARIOUS!! Can you give a shout-out to crunchymoms.com?? I do the product reviews & giveaways there!! :)

    • Charlise says:

      I no longer work with crunchymoms.com due to them stealing my work and refusing to pay me for published articles. I do, however, have my own NEW site! crunchyfamily.com

  153. Fan-freakin-tastic. I love this post so much I’m going to follow you.
    Second favorite part?
    “Can sew an entire quilt in one night by the light of handmade beeswax candles while sipping tea made from homegrown chamomile in a mug that was hand formed from clay mined from her backyard. While nursing.”
    First favorite?
    Not telling.
    BTW – Purple is my favorite color. :)

  154. Crystal Harris says:

    Favorite post by far! Going to share with friends. I think my friends will be a range from 1-10 – I will proudly say that I am a 4-9 but my kids watch some TV based on what we approve. I don’t think it is always a purposeful journey, but we started managing when our kids diets when they asked if they could have Doritos too…After a few movies like ‘FoodInc’ and ‘Fat Sick and Nearly Dead'; and a few comments from Gabrielle Reese re: avoiding all processed foods, we chose to eat based on eliminating processed foods & it has been such a smart decision. Easier now than 5 years ago, but a smart decision nonetheless.

  155. Leslie says:

    Thank you. Just…thank you.

  156. Leslie says:

    I didn’t even realize some of the stuff i do is crunchy! Clothes without characters or writing – I don’t even know why it disturbs me. How are you in my head, lady?

  157. Kimberly says:

    So so funny! Thanks for the laugh and for lightening the “crunchy” mood.

  158. Scarlett says:

    You rock! So funny. I love Ox-Cart man (oh and I bought it used) LOL That is my dream life :) Thank you for your humour and honesty I really love it!

  159. Sarah says:

    Seriously LOVE this!
    sorry for typos-currently typing and nursing my un-vaxed, cloth diapered, amber necklaced baby ;)

  160. Samantha says:

    I love this! I’m an 8, almost a 9 (if we didn’t rent!). But really hope others view me as a diamond. ;)

    My crunch confession – I have been so lazy about using cloth on our baby. I’m behind on laundry…and well, yeah. I’m not caught up. Not even close. So…I’m not perfect. ;) I used them religiously with our oldest but it seems our newest addition is making me fall off the wagon. Sigh.

  161. Sharon says:

    We all have this egocentric idea that whatever it is we do, however crunchy we are, is just the right amount of crunchy. It’s like that George Carlin bit where he says that anyone that drives faster than you is a maniac and anyone that drives slower is an idiot. Applies to crunchiness, too. Everyone, including myself, is so proud of how high she ranks, and we are also confident that any higher would be a bit too crazy.

    • Sharon says:

      We all feel the need to assert our crunchy bona fides when it just really doesn’t matter much. All you need is love.

    • amber says:

      Yeah, that is fascinating and so accurate. At least we’re all comfortable in our own choices, right?

      • Sharon says:

        I don’t know. There seem to be a lot of moms out there vying to out-crunch each other. Even in the comments to this blog post, which is hilarious. I, of course, would never do that. So if you come over for a playdate and notice how my children only eat wholesome organic snacks and play with non-plastic toys, and we find ourselves chatting about homebirth and breastfeeding, none of that is planned for your sake! I’m just totally crunchy like that! Just don’t open my pantry or the toy chest.

  162. OMGeeeeee!!! This is hilarious!!! I can’t believe I made it all the way to diamond ;) There are definitely some things I still need to work on but I had no idea how crunchy I really was (despite my blog name). Thanks for the good belly laugh today!

  163. Erin Phillips says:

    Haha love this, I am a little from each :P

  164. Amy Barron says:

    My favorite post of yours so far. Nice work!

  165. Jocelyn Lord says:

    I laughed and cried out loud when I read this! Thank you!

  166. Corey says:

    Love this post! Kept thinking, “Oh, this one is me”, then I’d read the next one and think, “No THIS one is me”… Then I got to Diamond and knew which one I was without a doubt :)

  167. nina sapir says:

    I drink out of mason jars because tea tastes better in it, but maybe that’s a southern thing. I wear my kids because there are some things that require 2 hands for some reason God only gave moms that many. We all do what works for us.

  168. Amanda says:

    This is just perfect. Not to be vain, but I think I might be a diamond. :0)

  169. Morgan says:

    Time to get a bit crunchier and figure out what this Soulemama thing is about. And buy Ox-cart man.

  170. Sarah Almond says:

    I think I’m just chewy. Yeah. Chewy. This was awesome-did you know that you can totally snort cracker crumbs out of your nose? I did just that when I got to the vegan unicorn line. I’m sure that’s information you totally wanted to know, huh?

    PS-My nose is burning. Ow.

  171. Abovedclouds says:

    I had no idea I was so crunchy! I thought I was just thrifty and resourceful (translation: poor). Mainly I was living a third world life inside the United States of America. The kids survived, went to grad school, and live in subdivisions, now.

  172. Jennifer says:

    Why have I never been here before? Fun read. I’m finally a 10 :) yay! We read the Ox-cart Man in library time, by the wood stove in our homeschool – me and my 2 home-birthed youngens. I loved the intro to your scale test, and I don’t care what people think of me when I tend my 1/2 acre garden and 25 chickens in my ‘blue’ dress and muck boots. And I thought number 5 said “Dr Suess.”

  173. Nicole says:

    Got a kick out of it; couldn’t believe how many of those I relate to. I am pretty traditional/conservative but always had a bent on making sure we are doing the best for our kids — no plastics, organic milk (that one is important to me for some warped reason), breastfed, co-slept (more because I was lazy) and some others. No one in my circle of friends in their circle of friends or perhaps any group of people that can be found in a circle drawn on a map, would consider me crunchy. Ever. Even though I am far removed from WV, I am also a proud granddaughter of Mountain dwellers and their way of life. I do things with my hands: I can, I sew, try to fix things on my own or make them worse. I would have chickens if the HOA would let me. I tried to talk my lawyer husband into moving into the country so I could get a yak and spin their hair — that went over well. Oh my word, I am crunchy! Don’t tell the Republican Party!

  174. Gina says:

    I’m definitely a 6 except the natural birth didn’t happen. I’m a little more crunchy than a 6, but it’s more by circumstance than choice. I live in rural China and don’t have a choice on some of these issues. A momma’s gotta do what a momma’s gotta do.

  175. Brogey says:

    This is the first time I’ve commented on your blog, though I have read it all, usually in marathon bursts. Your book is on my Christmas list too! ^_^
    But this, this struck a real chord with me, in a deep place. It was the diamond bit. The realisation that even though I don’t really belong anywhere anymore, because I’m not chasing the cloth nappy groups, or the homebirth groups, or the food wanker groups etc. I’m at peace. Life is an amazing journey, and I’m sure to most people on the outside I appear to be quite the freak, but I don’t notice. And I don’t have a checklist for other mamas when I meet them either. I just am. So thank you. <3

  176. Carla says:

    This was great! I didn’t know what a mason jar was though . . . it’s a glass jar, right? Do we say mason jar in Australia? And why do so many people have them – are you all canning things?

  177. Gale says:

    OMG. Family cloth. WTF?!!!!! I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep tonight.

  178. Pip says:

    I love this! I have absolutely no idea where we fall… I’ve had a c/section and a homebirth, I used cloth nappies and slings (but have issues with the fancy ones, so mostly had 2ndhand functional slings only), breastfed (but only ’til 1yr/18mo), ate my placenta :o, grow vegetables, have goats and chickens, drive a hybrid, have a family bed, like Alfie Kohn (but not Sears quite as much), try to source ethical products/fair trade/local, etc, etc… but my kids also go to school, spend half their lives playing computer games or watching tv, wear whatever the heck they like (logos or none), we use a dryer on sunny days, buy organic some of the time and then get home delivered groceries from the supermarket the rest of the time (and the groceries sometimes include hot dogs or frozen meat pies, which we – *gasp* – also sometimes feed to the kids). We’re probably confused! Or maybe we just do what we can with what we’ve got… I’m not sure, but it works for us. :)

  179. Maggie says:

    I’m reading this & chuckling, while lying in bed next to my 3-yr-old, who was extended-breastfed, cloth-nappied, ergo-carried, homemade babyfood-fed… And is currently watching Peppa Pig on an iPad. Each to their own! Such a great post Amber, thank-you!

  180. Toni says:

    I think I don’t have a crunchy rating either.
    I have 5 kids. when I say kids, the youngest is 19.
    No. 1 was epidural “get this thing out”. Tried breastfeeding but was discouraged by my midwife m-i-l (weird huh?)
    No. 2 pethidine. breastfed successfully. also the next 3 breastfed successfully. cos I wanted to and I’m lazy.
    No. 3 puffed on the gas.
    No. 4 and 5, just let ‘em fall out.
    All of my kids slept with me for the ease (and again, cos I’m lazy)
    I tried home made food but hours over the moulinex to have them spit it out anyway , saw me heading for the heinz .
    Pretty sure by number 3 I didn’t even heat it.
    We have curb side recycling so we do that. I try to be water conscious. I don’t kill things that aren’t putting us at risk.
    Probably a wanna-be hippy.
    Husband grows stuff cos he likes to.
    Of course I judge people. privately. mostly I judge super-crunchy people. my bad.
    4/5 of mine have grown to be well adjusted fine people.
    I must’ve done something right :)

  181. Lisa P says:

    I love this! I find myself wanting to be crunchier by the moment, if I had the time! I think I get extra crunchy points for being a midwife, driving a Prius, owning a birth center, but also addicted to home water births. Will have to subtract a few points for drinking diet coke (a gal’s got to have a few flaws…) Hope that your holiday season is lovely! Back to making felt ornaments now

  182. Simon Adams says:

    AHAHAHAHA! Amazing. I don’t know what number we r but we do so many of those things. And definitely brag about them! The amber necklace works and my acupuncturist is teaching us how to best raise chickens in the hen house I built! PS there should be some dads in the crappy drawings.

  183. Jolie says:

    ?? People DO some of this? I am definitely talc. “Crunchy Friendly” for sure!

  184. Cyndi Whitworth says:

    Absolutely hilarious! As are all of your posts. Love it

  185. Jodi says:

    thank you for a laugh and smile to start my day – didn’t eat placenta, but still have it in freezer with plans to bury it below newly planted tree – assuming that this next spring I remember to do so – 4 kids, many animals, and a co-sleeping, homeschool life mean that my memory power is a thing of the past!!!
    Have a great day!

  186. Melissa says:

    I love this! I find a few things in almost every category…at least up to Quartz! But then again, I have an SUV and my husband burns coal for a living, so I’m probably still down in the talc/gypsum level…Oh…and I can only assume that #10 is a conflict free diamond, right??? ;-)

  187. Rebecca says:

    I never comment, though I love your blog. But this? This?! Thank you. I’m a 2-4 who was raised by a solid 8. This made my day.

  188. Dana K says:

    Was I your model for number 6 because I think I may have actually said that in a fb group… ;-)

    And Earthy Rainbow is the best rainbow EVER!!!

  189. Rumsita says:

    Ha, I identified with at least 1 part of each of 2 through 8. Don’t have enough land or skills for #9. Hoping I achieve #10 at least occasionally. I was most certainly talc for my first pregnancy, but became more crunchy soon after that babe was born.

  190. Jess W says:

    Ashamed (am I though?) of how high I got on that list. Is it wrong that I want to nudge the coals and add ‘where’s the wool diapering?’ I actually bought something called ‘longies’ – which is a very cute way of saying ‘I think I’m just going to let my kid pee itself occasionally and laugh as everyone compliments these adorable overly fat pants she is wearing.’

    • amber says:

      Dang, I totally forgot the different TYPES of cloth diapering! How could I forget? We had a few pairs of knit wool longies (stripes!) but only because dang, they were cute.

  191. Jess W. says:

    Oh – the amber necklace SO doesn’t work (no offense, I mean, she still screams through teething). My husband takes it off every chance he gets, he’s so sure she’ll choke on it. I actually saw her almost gag on it once and just couldn’t bear to be wrong about it…so I put it back on anyway.

  192. Veronica says:

    Excellent, funny post.

    This paragraph resonated most…

    “I made this scale after having several interactions over the years that annoyed me. The ones where people attempt to self-righteously out crunch one another. Stop that crap. It’s not a competition!”

    As a new momma, I felt like the crunchy moms offered a lot that I could learn from, but quickly tired of the one-upmanship on nearly every subject. So now I just lurk from afar.

  193. Cindy says:

    Holy crap, I’m fluorite! Thanks for the great belly laughs, Amber. :-)

  194. Charity says:

    OMG, I’m the mason jar lady. I mean, my kids watch tv and I’m all over the crunchy scale, but I have way too many mason jars and usually have 4-8 in my car at all times. (because I’m lazy and don’t bring them back in the house to wash)

    But my love for mason jars is because I broke all my pretty glasses over the course of the first 6 childless years of my marriage and am too cheap now to buy more. We usually get the same type of salsa (local…haha) that comes in a mason jar so I just started keeping them for glasses.

    For the record, I had no idea that this was a thing. Glad I’m not alone.

    The vegan unicorn line made me lol here at my desk while eating my entenmann’s doughnut. :P

  195. Andi says:

    Ha! Love this! I’m a solid 4 with a few extras thrown in, but now on #2, who spent lots of time in the NICU, I have a different perspective on a lot and just do my own thing. I’m also a greenie who has degrees in Physics, astronomy and mechanical engineering but strongly believes in magic and Reiki. God bless diversity and open minds!

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  197. Jeanne-Marie Peterson says:

    But… but… I want pink, Himalayan salt! ;)

  198. Amanda says:

    Wow…I actually made it on the “Crappy Crunchy Scale”. #4 isn’t too bad with some hits of #6 in there. I’ve never considered myself crunchy, but my ideals as to what a woman’s body can do with pain and child labor got me on there…And I rather like washing my hair with conditioner only. It’s less flighty and frizzy :D

    Who woulda thunk I would be slightly crunchy…

  199. Latanya Whitaker says:

    Hilarious!!! Loved this!! Thank you.

  200. jonathan says:

    What’s with the deriding of righteous endeavor, why not spend your time helping…?

  201. jonathan says:

    No attacking, no defending, just be good Human.

  202. jonathan says:

    (((((((((~<3~)))))))))

  203. HL says:

    OH gosh I know quite a few mamas like this! So funny!

  204. Alana says:

    I found this hilarious and ironic since it was your blog that got me started cloth diapering.

  205. I was shocked that I’m as high as a 3…I guess living in California (very close to Berkeley, at that) for the last 10 years has really rubbed off on me!

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  207. Katie Eaton says:

    My favorite part of all this is I was laughing while reading because even though we do a lot of what you listed as crunchy and frequently refer to myself as soggy granola we don’t do it because we want to be more ethical or save the earth….we do it because we are on the Dave Ramsey plan on living like your poor so you can continue to live like your poor (or that’s how it feels anyway :-)

  208. Angela says:

    This was quite an enjoyable post, thank you for reminding me to laugh at myself!

  209. Denice Hicks says:

    Flippin’ hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!

  210. Jessica Mills says:

    if you had asked me before I read this I would have given myself a 4 b/c I’m not very crafty etc but turns out I’m a 7, way more crunchy than I knew! Cool. Fun read :)

  211. Cyndi says:

    OMG, LOVE!!! Hilarious – “I eat my placenta and let my kids watch TV” – that’s me!!

  212. Ania says:

    Damn!! EC was skipped!!! Rubbish scale! LoL!!
    I don’t think I ever laughed at myself that much as while reading this!

  213. vanessa says:

    you make me laugh out loud for real. I am certain you are crunchier than me (I think I am in the calcite range) but I appreciate people who go the extra crunch route, I can always pick up a tip or two and if it isn’t too disgusting (eating placenta=no for me as well as washing poo smeared patchwork rags mascarading as toilet paper) or too ridiculously time consuming (spinning wool? knitting/sewing all of our clothes?! really?) I am down. Thanks for the sharp witted humor.

  214. Jo says:

    Pink Himalayan seasalt? Check! Home births, co-sleeping, breastfeeding? Check! Still can’t get my head around everyone not doing that. Made my own toothpaste? Check! Huge amounts of television to babysit my kids? Check! Wait, whoops? Yeah… that’s a hurdle I fell way, way down on, sadly. And my kids won’t eat any good food.

    I see everyone I know laughing hilariously at this today, and at first looked at the title and sort of thought, meh, but then I saw it was a Crappy Post and I felt a lot better :)

    Family cloth still makes me shudder a little, though : )

  215. Rach says:

    Love it !! I still don’t know where I am !! But I might be a diamond;) I don’t care what others do but I love those that share advice and ideas with me so I can make my choices :)

    After all we are all Mummas. ( isn’t extended breastfeeding technically just infant/ toddler led weaning)

  216. Katie says:

    Lol, I think I’m getting crunchier in every category but TV. I need to take a shower in the morning. Alone. I gotta test out my new shampoo formula.

  217. Stephannie Towns says:

    yeah, I have no idea where I fit, I’m pretty crunchy I think, but I definitely don’t feel like a 7… maybe I’m just a diamond with my pureed food mixed with finger foods, and obsession with cloth diapers and wraps, all those nasty vaccines I subject my children to, and other medical procedures, too… although I’d really like to have a cow someday, but it’s illegal where I live….

  218. Sara says:

    LOVE THIS! My youngest is 7 now, and this reminds me of my crunchy mama days and of the other sweet mamas I met during that time, many still carrying the banner. You nailed it, especially with the SouleMama finish. Now I’m just vicariously crunchy through the Soule’s adventures . . . and I drive a Prius. Some things never change.

  219. Jenny says:

    Amber, I’m horrified to admit I’ve never read your blog before…thanks to In The Powder Room for sharing this post. I look forward to reading more when I have some time (I think I see an opening in June, 2021).

    I’m a grizzled old mom (is there a chart for fossils?) and loved this post. Thankfully I missed out on the uber competitive mommy thing (my last baby was born in 2000) because I’m afraid I would have been terrified to leave the house with my littles.

    The comments here are a trip. So much judging going on, some of it outright and some of it wrapped up in funny LOL paper. Chill, mamas. Just do what works for you and focus on the prize: raising kids who don’t turn out to be psychopaths. Trust me when I say, there will come a day when it no longer matters how you carried your baby or what they pooped in. Your kids will grow up and guess what? Their best friend might end up being that formula-fed, plastic diaper wearing kid who spent time in daycare! Or the one who wasn’t vaccinated, smelled of essential oils and whose mom wore hemp sandals.

    It all comes out in the wash, people. And it doesn’t matter if you use homemade detergent or the Tide that contains fragrance or beat your clothes on rocks down by the river. Just do the best you can.

    That said, WTF is an amber teething necklace?

  220. Nicolette says:

    DIAMOND!

  221. Tara says:

    I’m definitely Diamond on the crunchy scale!

    LOVE: “We only eat food that has been blessed by vegan unicorns.” lol

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  223. Laura B. says:

    I think I am a 4 and a half and I thought I was pretty crunchy! LOL!

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  225. Heather says:

    OMG! Hilarious!! Loved this post soooooo much. It’s funny that wherever you are in any one catergory is somehow the perfect balance. As one example I buy organic cows milk. I feel it’s better than getting the cheaper one with the hormones, but not as crazy as soy/almond or raw. Obviously if I felt differently I would do differently. If I discovered something that changed my mind I would buy different milk. If my friend hand milked her own cow and drank that it would be fine by me. In fact I might try some. And I may or may not start drinking it.

  226. stephanie says:

    I’m just crispy.

  227. cecile says:

    So unfair you didn’t mention mooncup, how shall I be ranked ???? Hum, I am competing with myselfbfor the diamond, so it’s all ok, I am diamond :)))

  228. MomtoMany5 says:

    After raising 5 children over 32 years, & the youngest is 11, we’ve done just about everything on this hilarious list, depending which decade we were in!!
    Bottom line, you do what works for you, your child, your spouse, & your life at the time!!
    There’s no shame in switching between cloth & disposables, or using a bottle if your baby needs it.
    I was Mennonite, married a military man (that’s not allowed!), but we’ve lived a big adventure over 34 years, & I have no regrets!!
    Home school when our life is stable, or when we’re traveling too much (travel can be the Best education!). Other school options when it works out!! Our kids have turned out great!! Sew & hand-me-downs keep my kids clothed!!
    Live your life, & Love your life! Live in Peace!!

  229. April says:

    I wish I could find the video I saw a while back… a bunch of moms with their babies (actors, of course) were trying to out crunch each other to the point of ridiculousness (I gave birth naturally—I gave birth at home—I gave birth in a mud pit—and so on). It was hilarious. Was it made by the College Humor folks? Can’t remember… I tried Googling just now but have had no luck.

    • April says:

      “We cloth diaper.”
      “We use elimination communication.”
      “We let him sit in it and even rub it on the rest of him. It’s good for the skin. Really! Look it up. All kinds of minerals in it.”

      So ridiculously funny.

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  231. LoriAnn says:

    If only we used family cloth instead of toilet paper we would be super crunchy. But I get the sustainably made “green” kind so I think that makes up for it on some level.
    Although, as not to confuse anyone I think the vax status is irrelevant in measuring crunchiness.

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  233. Nicole says:

    I’m a slushie. Anything I do on the list is completely a fluke and done just to get through the day!
    I’m not shiny enough to be a diamond ;)

  234. This is great! Thanks for the laugh! I was a few things in every category, so I’d probably be a 7-8. I would like to think I’m a diamond, but who knows how others view me. I live in a “meat & potatoes” sort of area so by contrast, I may as well be living in a nudest commune making our butter out of my breastmilk… well maybe…

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  236. Debbie says:

    Goodness, I felt pretty talc-y (not that I care…just my list would have hit #10 at about #3; guess I role with talc, too.) I love how even some of the err, higher scoreres in comments above are admitting to TV/iPad. Which makes me wonder: why no mention on home- brewing for mom? (My son–breastfed for 27 months and probably would have been a natural, albeit hospital birth if that anesthesiologist had moved ANY slower–totally kicks butt at Angry Birds…which yes, appear on his clothes, plastic toys, etc.)

  237. Robonanny says:

    I have been enjoying the comments! I’m not very crunchy – but that’s probably because after nannying for over 20 years, I’ve seen lots of different stuff work for different families. If you do what works for you, who gives a toss what everyone else thinks? As Amber and others have said, give yourselves a little credit for doing the best job you can with the tools you have at hand.

    Sometimes, it goes wrong. Sometimes, you get it right. Forget the first unless there was a useful lesson in it, and revel in the second. Here ends my lecture ;-)

  238. Amanda says:

    The elderberry thing made me laugh. I wouldn’t even consider myself crunchy (but did make it to 5 pretty easily). I’ve used that for years because it’s the only thing that works at all. Trust me I have no problem at all taking drugs if they work, but that does work better than any drugs I’ve ever tried (and I’ve tried a lot). I was so sad when I couldn’t take if for my URI when I was pregnant.

  239. Molly says:

    Actually, in real life, diamonds are quite common (which is why every jewelry store can have a ton of them), but the distribution is tightly controlled which drives up the price. I suggest Tanzanite, Alexandrite or Painite {which boast fewer than 30 specimens) instead. ;) {big wink}

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  241. Lara says:

    Amber, you are a brilliant sociologist. (And very funny, of course.) I loved looking for the stuff I do, and the stuff I do/don’t see my neighbors doing, in the various places I’ve lived with small children (including suburban MA and Berkeley). And of course, my choices seem only rational, sensible, and what I would have done anyway, to me! I assume everyone feels this way. But clearly, we are part of a broader culture, and we take our cues from our communities. When I see my choices mostly falling at a particular level on your crunchiness scale, I can see the tremendous degree to which these choices that seemed so individual at the time were strongly influenced by the broader culture. Fascinating.

  242. ha! i actually thought of amanda aka soulemama on the stone before diamond. i love her… and you…. and me. and you know what? some days i am crunchier than others, and that’s okay. here’s to non-judgy moms doing the best we can, and what we think is right for us and our families. great post.

  243. Ann Mac says:

    Hahaha! What an awesome post. I didn’t even make it to talc haha. So what is softer and lighter than that? Cocaine? Rofl. I love this post so much. Everything you posted is 100% correct, especially those goof ball amber necklaces. I’m going to start making garlic necklaces to sell to the crunchy parents. I will market them as a product to ward off warlocks.

  244. Sara says:

    What rank do I get because I aspire to be like Soule Mama minus half the animals and children?

    Seriously love this though! While I did/do some of everything on every step of the list, my non-crunchy husband would die, literally DIE, if I did some of the others. Like family cloth. Or completely unschooled. Or brought a spinning wheel.

    • Sara says:

      Ps: im totally the “I ate my placenta by my kids watch tv, my daughter wants super hero action figures and we have chickens” sort of mess. I’m having a blast though.

  245. Moira says:

    I’m barely a one — I love the scale, especially the bit about being blessed vegan unicorns.

    You are hilarious as usual.

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  247. Paul says:

    Yeah crappy mamas and papas :P

  248. Sarah says:

    This is so funny! And it’s really interesting to discover that, while I would *never* have thought of myself as crunchy (in fact, the complete opposite), every category had at least *one* thing that is true of me (own chickens, homeschool, have an Ergo, baby-led weaning, homemade baby food, etc.). I think part of the reason that I don’t consider myself crunchy is that none of these are part of an environmental statement or the like for me, they’re just what worked for us.

    I LOVE your pictures, by the way.

  249. Lisa says:

    You had me at ‘Mohs’….. I rank a diamond in Geology, but, not nearly so high in crunchy! Thanks for the giggles!

  250. Loved this. Laughed at this and was wondering… where do I fit in… I do a little of everything. I guess that makes me a diamond because we’re all on our own paths, doing our own things and I think that’s groovy.

    Wishing you a lovely weekend.

    PS – I don’t usually use the term groovy but I thought I would keep in the theme of this posting and bring out some of the stereotypical “hippy” language.

    PPS – If you (or anyone else reading this comment uses the term “groovy” on a regular basis, do not take my previous comment as an insult. It’s all good.

    PPPS – I don’t usually say, “It’s all good.” I’ll stop now and wish you and your delightful “comic strip” family a very Merry Christmas.
    xoxo

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  253. Amy says:

    OMG. I had NO idea I was crunchy. At. All. And certainly not to that level. (which level I will not admit to in this public forum) Maybe I’ll stop teasing my sister-in-law about being crunchy now. (oops)

  254. Jenn says:

    Pah! Bunch of amateurs! My flower child never wears daipers, or even clothes. She runs barefoot and bare bummed in the forest where we forage our nuts and berries. We speak no human languages, just communicate with animals. My wolf pack delivered my child, and they ate the placenta. That’s how we roll in our pack.

    Posted from my Android smartphone. OK so we have wifi.

  255. Jenniffer says:

    This was so funny! I never tried to be “crunchy” – had no clue what it meant before I read this. Being as I am 40 and have 4 boys – 19, 6, 3 and 1 1/2, I just did what I thought was best for my family. I could care less what people think. I’ve seen way too much division on how people raise their children. It’s no one’s business. At least not yet. So for someone who had no clue what crunchy was, it was humorous and fun to see that I’m a diamond. But maybe I should be coal, because my boys watch TV all the time. LOL

  256. Meredith says:

    This is the funniest blog post I have seen in ages. Thank you for the laugh- laughs are valuable!

  257. Overand says:

    I love it!

    Going to go into pedantic mode, though – but only for humor’s sake. Diamonds? Not *actually* rare! They’re expensive because thei,r availability and price are controlled by a large multi-national corporation called DeBeers.

    So I’d argue that the folks you’ve called Diamonds? Sure, diamond is crunchy, but I suspect these mamas would HATE being controlled by a giant corporation!

    • Christine says:

      Diamonds aren’t controlled by a giant corporation. It’s only gem-quality diamonds that they care about. Normal ones are easy to get & priced reasonably.

  258. Christine says:

    I’m too crunchy to get up very far on the list. (Although I fail once it starts getting into the “care strongly about” sections – I just do it because I’m lazy.) Example: a lot of her clothes have characters or text on them, because they’re on the “no one wanted to buy these” rack at the consignment store, so of course I get them. Or that you need to buy containers (or use babyfood) to qualify for several of them.

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  261. Rachel says:

    So I have this fantasy woman in my head of the crunchy mama I want to be…I have spent a long time pretending I was her- cloth diapering, making yogurt, researching livestock (but never actually investing), trying to pretend I like co-sleeping, trying to pretend that my 30lb 1 year old doesn’t make my back hurt and wearing her sucks, trying to be- crunchy…then I realized that this “me of my imagination” never had sex. In fact, there was not even any partner in this imaginary life…so I dumped it. And I now share my bed with one adult, and use a stroller, and am happy.

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  265. whomah says:

    LOL, but polar opposite in my experience. Folks try hard to disassociate from being perceived as a placenta eater, proclaiming that they use deodorant and soap when it comes out that they co-sleep, or are still nursing. The vax topic is especially guarded since there is much pressure and stigmatization for not vaccinating. Since the Time mag cover story on attachment parenting with that tall kid suckling his mamma’s breast, ppl are more worried than before about being labeled a freak than being thought of as conventional or not natural enough.

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  268. Jessica Hulen says:

    Oh my gosh! When I sat down to read your blog tonight, I never guessed what an education I would be getting. I had to Google “Family cloth” and “No-poo method”…. :)

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  273. Heather M says:

    This is great!! I’m an 8 but didn’t realize I was that crunchy haha

  274. Fary says:

    Anti-circumcision is something crunchy hippie? Gee I must live in a whole country of hippies then. A whole continent actually. Oh you silly Americans thinking the rest of the world is just like you.

  275. Taryn says:

    Goodness, this had me laughing! Every time I thought I was done you pulled me into the next level. So fricken hilarious, thanks for the laughs!

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  277. Kendra says:

    This was really hard to read at 6 A.M. on a Sunday morning with everyone in my house sleeping, lol! My dilemma has always been that we live in rural Kansas were just eyeing the kale in our grocery store instantly makes you crunchy (although most people around here probably aren’t even familiar with the term). Then turn around and travel to our family cabin in the Rockies near Boulder, CO and be totally passed over as having even an nth degree of crunchiness because I don’t have dreads, wear a bra and shave my arm pits! Hey people ~ can’t you smell my no-poo hair and homemade deoderant, lol! After 17 years of touching on most everything you mentioned above, I was relieved to find I’m a Diamond! The best thing about being crunchy for me is not getting uptight about the decisions others are making and am so grateful that others have been gracious towards me along my journey as a crunchy mom ;)

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