Crappy Dog Cleans

Remember when I posted about adopting Crappy Dog and then ended the post “more about Crappy Dog soon” and then never posted a single thing about him? Well, here we go!

One thing people with dogs always told me (when trying to convince me to get a dog) is that dogs will help clean your floors. Guess what? It’s true.

Crappy Dog follows me around with one exception. When Crappy Baby is eating. He quickly learned that the highest output of tasty morsels are dispensed from the smallest human.

Any time Crappy Baby is having a snack, Crappy Dog follows him.


During dinner? Crappy Dog sits under Crappy Baby’s chair. He doesn’t beg or act annoying, he simply waits patiently for a crumb to drop. (Wow, I  wish I had a dog back in the food tossing high chair days. You guys were right, dogs come in handy.)

So he licks the floor to clean the crumbs. This isn’t his favorite thing to lick though.

Thankfully, he isn’t much of a human licker so it isn’t that. Gross.

And of course he enjoys a good ball licking every night when we’re trying to go to sleep. We call it “snorking” as in, “Be quiet Crappy Dog, quit snorking yourself, we’re trying to sleep.”


It’s okay. He’s a dog. This is what dogs do because they can.

But that isn’t his favorite thing to lick either.

No, his most favorite thing to lick is our couch.


He’ll occasionally lick the couch until it gets damp, rehydrating and enjoying three years’ worth of food dust that is embedded in the fibers. Our couch is like the corner of Ford Prefect’s towel. Nutritious.

He is our very own steam cleaner. Our upholstery hasn’t looked this good in years.



We feed our dog. He isn’t starving. He is just fancies cookies. Who doesn’t? Also, it isn’t an obsessive type of licking, just a sometimes type of licking. Like right after the kids eat pretzels while sitting there. No armchair dog diagnoses necessary. He is just weird. Like everybody else.    

I’m curious to see if people stop sitting on our couch after reading this post. 



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147 Responses to Crappy Dog Cleans

  1. Nicole says:

    Love it! Our sheltie mix is a big help around the house. We call her our little vacuum cleaner.

  2. Eric says:

    OMG. Dogs are gross. But this is hilarious, and I love that you worked in a “Hitchhiker’s Guide” reference. Brava!!

  3. OMG My dog licks the sofa too. He makes it WET. It’s so gross. My 2 yr old niece even tells him “Poppi, stop licking” but to no avail.

  4. Erica says:

    My dog couch-licks too! I’m glad mine isn’t the only one. Sometimes I see a wet spot and half to go over and sniff to make sure it wasn’t one of the kids’ diapers leaking… you never know!

  5. Jill says:

    Told ya, they really do help out with the floors. I wish my two dogs would work on my couch.

  6. emily g says:

    I initially thought he was licking the couch for more dubious reasons… HA.

    Also, thanks for all the fish!

  7. Hannah says:

    Our dog licks the couch too! I had no idea other dogs did this, I just thought she was weird.

  8. Dan says:

    Ding ding ding! Hitchhiker’s Guide reference! 🙂

  9. Tina says:

    Welcome to the world of dogs. I’ve always wondered how much harder people with out dogs have to clean up. I love having a dog for many other reasons took and can’t imagine life without ours.

    • wilma fingerdoo says:

      Try this:

      When folks stop over uninvited for dinner, have the kids clear the table and leave the plates on the floor for the dogs to lick clean.
      Put plates directly back into cabinets.
      Tell your guests how you just love having dogs help out around the house.
      Never see uninvited guests again at mealtime.
      Works like a charm.

  10. Christina says:

    So funny! My childhood dog was a couch licker.

  11. Allison says:

    My dog also licks the upholstery. I wondered why he did that. Food dust. Of course! Mystery solved!

  12. Aimee says:

    Love the reference to the corner of Ford Prefect’s towel! Now that’s all I can think about the fabric of my furniture.

  13. Kelly P says:

    I had a Lab before I started having kids. He passed away last summer, when my kids were 4 and 2. I always complained about the dog hair and having to vacuum every other day. Once Buddy was gone though, I realized that I would MUCH rather have the dog hair than having to sweep under my kitchen table 3 times a day! I never noticed what slobs my kids were when they ate until that dog died.

  14. Kristy says:

    Okay, maybe it’s just the resolution on my phone, but that is a spectacular rendition of a dog licking your couch! I’m not sure you should be allowed to call it “crappy pictures” anymore…

    • Trisha W. says:

      A long while back I think she mentioned her drawings were getting better. 🙂

    • Natasha says:

      I agree, though I must admit that I thought the dog was humping the couch or just about to take a dump on it… both (mistaken) guesses which added a certain “ick” factor to the licking 🙂

  15. Rebecca says:

    My dog licks the couch constantly! I don’t get it. We don’t eat on it, so it shouldn’t taste like food, more like awful tasting upholstery!

  16. Angela says:

    Our dogs lick our bed and sometimes our couch. We have to keep them out of our room. lol

  17. Tonia says:

    I started buying Honey Nut Cheerios because our dog would not eat the plain ones. It made one less food projectile I had to clean up.

  18. Taryn says:

    “This is what dogs do because they can.” LOL and thank goodness men can’t do it.

  19. Sarah says:

    I love that you referenced Ford Prefect. We often refer to my 3yo’s blanket as being his “towel” for that very reason.

  20. Elisabeth says:

    Classic George Carlin on ball-licking:

  21. sara says:

    After we got our dog, we taught her the command “mop.” Now, it’s her only 100% reliable command. If I drop food, all I have to do is yell “Pup pup, Mop!” and she comes running from wherever she is in the house to clean up whatever food has spilled. She also cleans the baby’s high chair, so I don’t have to wipe crusty yogurt and oatmeal off it every morning 🙂

    • We had to stop letting our normally sweet dogs do the highchair because they’d get into fights over it. With our second child, all we have is a French bulldog, and–although he tries his very best!–he can’t reach the seat of the highchair because he’s stumpy. 🙂

  22. Lauren says:

    WHY DO THEY HAVE TO LICK AT NIGHT?! Our dog gulps down her lady parts every night while I’m trying to go to sleep. She occasionally does this so loudly that it has actually waken me up from a dead sleep. She now has to sleep in the kitchen just so I can sleep through the night! (which my nine month preggo self just really needs right now)

    • Jen says:

      That made me laugh! Lady parts…my boy dog does it too. He especially likes to lick his butt though. Ick.

    • Jill says:

      OMG – a friend of mine just told me that her dog was licking herself and they were concerned about it and asked their vet. The vet told them she was masturbating! So there you have it!

  23. We also call our dog the little vacuum. And also he is the only person in the house who listens to me every single time I ask him to do something. So… it’s hard not to have a slight preference for him, over, say… everyone else in my immediate family. I’m going to hell, huh.

    • kateincottesloe says:

      Don’t worry, everyone likes their dogs more than they like their families. They just don’t admit it.

  24. wendy boraas says:

    I have 2 dogs. Full of beans! Full of love, full of licking, full of diarrhea-fests, full of puking, full of eating bear poo (which causes the prior mentioned events)! And yes, I also feed my dogs, but they love to eat dirt, drink from mud puddles in the bush. But, at home, if they see a fleck in their water bowl they are totally offended. “Mom! Our water is dirty!” Go figure!

  25. Elaina says:

    Man! I gotta get a dog. My floors would look a million time better. The dog would get fat, too!

  26. Stephanie says:

    My dogs like to lick our throw pillows on the couch. Also the throws that we use as little lap blankets at night. Dogs are weird. They’re also sweet 🙂

  27. JENNIFER says:

    Love the dog drawings those are the best you’ve ever done and I am being serious. Dogs do come in handy with the kids big time. Anytime my kids spill something on the floor I call the dog to come eat it up so I don’t have to deal with cleaning it.

  28. Kellie says:

    Our dog does this too! We’ll get home and have to put a towel down on the couch because there is a giant wet spot. When he first started doing it we thought he was having accidents even though it didn’t smell like he had had an accident because we couldn’t believe it was that wet from just him licking it. The problem? Besides wet spots? There now thin spots that are going to turn into holes. Soon. But who doesn’t want to buy a brand new couch? 🙂

  29. lawahine says:

    Our pittie is an excellent cleaner of all food morsels that find their way to the floor.

    Comes in hand when removing child from highchair. We just let all the crumbs and food bits fall out of his lap on to the floor. We sometimes help in this process.

    My mother thinks it is disgusting. We think it is handy.

    Baby is clean. Floor is clean. Dog is happy. Mommy and daddy had to do almost nothing!

    • Oh, I give my two-and-a-half-year-old a little shake to make sure all the macaroni and cheese dislodges from the folds in his pants before I set him down after removing him from the booster seat. Our dog loves that boy! 😉

  30. martinet says:

    Our cat is a chronic couch licker. It grosses my husband out no end. He will never be able to translate “cat saliva” into “our very own steam cleaner.” I probably could, given enough distance.

  31. Emily says:

    We have a cat that licks furniture. He starts out grooming himself (usually his front feet) and then he just keeps going. In his case, I don’t think he notices that his foot ended and the couch began. What he really needs is another cat that tolerates being groomed, but instead we got him one that turns every sweet grooming session into a wrestling match.

  32. Kendra says:

    My female Great Dane licks our carpet. We lovingly refer to her as our “rug muncher.” It’s probably due to the volume of pulverized Goldfish crackers embedded into the fibers.

  33. Michelle says:

    You may have a pug mix but it sounds like you have a 100% pug there. Our purebred does this with anything leather. *Lick lick lick lick, repeat* He has also learned that tasty morsels come from the smallest human. As for the nether region licking, well he has no face, so this is mostly just a frustration and has given up trying 😀

  34. Jessica says:

    When our little guy was first born, we had a cat that would lick all things mesh: the basket under the stroller, the side of the playpen, etc. I think she just liked the texture and/or sound. Hilarious, and a little gross. (Probably gross only because I was the first-time mom of a newborn. Now, probably would just be funny.)

    I’ve also started thinking about getting a dog. Our now 16-month old keeps showing up with blueberries. I haven’t fed him blueberries in *days.* Whoops.

  35. Celina says:

    Dogs are necessary with little ones & food! Someone asked me once how often I clean my floor after the kids eat-after every meal or just the end of the day. I must have given them a funny look & then said “I don’t clean them after meals, I have dogs!”

    Then I thought about it and non-dog people probably think my dining room floor is gross and never cleaned. It get cleaned regularly, just not after every meal!

  36. My cats clean up after the baby, but they are picker than a dog. Cheerios are a no go, but eggs and veggies (oddly enough) get cleaned.

    Couch licking sounds odd but somewhat useful. My poor dearly departed Irish Setter used to lick the windows, not useful at all.

    The weird part is that now the baby does it and we lost the dog two years before we got the baby…

  37. Wicket and Baguette have learned how to live with one another–but in an earlier phase, when Baguette had not learned the word “gentle,” Wicket avoided her as much as possible.

    Unless Baguette was in her high chair. Then Wicket would plant herself firmly by Baguette’s (or rather the chair’s) side and wait for food to fall from the sky. Which it did on a routine basis.

  38. Melissa says:

    When our first dog passed away a couple years ago, that was the first thing (besides her sweet self) that I missed was her helpful floor licking. We got two new puppies two months after she passed and my kitchen floors are much cleaner. One of them also licks the couch as well, but in a more i’m-bored-whatchu-want-from-me way.

    • Courtney says:

      I never realized how messy my kids were until our dog passed away. I miss him tons because he was a great dog, but I mostly miss him cleaning up the floors. Guess we need to get a new dog because I hate cleaning the floors! Wonder if I can get one that doesn’t snork?

  39. Shalon James says:

    Our cat is a couch and throw pillow licker. The couch is leather and she likes to lie across the back of it. She starts out grooming herself and just extends onto the couch. If I’m sitting in front of her, she licks my hair too. Actually, now that I think about it, she licks anything she’s lying on… Too bad she doesn’t clean up food and crumbs though. :'( Maybe we should get a dog.

  40. sarah says:

    we used to call my grandad’s dog ‘NooNoo’ when were little like the hoover (vacuum) thing on the teletubbies

  41. Dawn says:

    OMG! I didn’t know any other dog did this! My dog Buddy licks our couch too and it’s so gross! If I’m not paying attention and sit down on it, I’ll sometimes get a nasty surprise!

  42. One of my cats licks furniture ALL THE TIME! I never thought of the food dust angle…

  43. Ashley says:

    We have a couch licker too. Most times she waits until you leave your spot then she hops up, leaves a large wet drool spot so you wont ask for your seat back. We have a beige microfiber couch. Which was new only 2 years ago. Now it looks like it went through a dirty car wash and didnt dry properly. Drool stains everywhere which can only be removed with a special cleaner which makes your couch wet for at least a day….which means it doesnt get done as often as it should.

  44. Amanda says:

    We had a dog that licked everything! If he was outside and wanted inside, he would lick the door. This looks really fun when it’s a door wall! He licked the floor. He licked the couch. He slept in the bed, always under the covers, and licked the bed. There is nothing worse in the morning than waking up to your legs on top of a giant, dog-spit, wet spot on the bed!

  45. Leslie says:

    Never mind the story of the dog. I just appreciate the “Hitchhiker’s” reference!

  46. Kristen says:

    Have you met Charles? He also has a licking problem. As does my Diesel.

    You’re welcome.

  47. Ha ha, it sounds like your couch has become a giant salt lick for your dog.

    I’d like if our cat licked himself. He’s long-haired, and apparently they’re really not all that in to being clean. He rolls around in weeds, small leaves, and flea eggs, then rolls around on our carpet and releases all of that.

  48. Heather M. says:

    I have a single, no kids, friend who has two dogs. They only eat raw, premium cuts of meat. So makes me laugh!

  49. Jo says:

    We had a couch licker too. Every now and again, you’d sit down in a soggy spot. Yes, it was gross. He was an underwear thief as well.

  50. Alison says:

    We were visiting my sister in law last year. My three year old managed to make a trail of sticky rice from the kitchen, down a long hall way and into the living room. Since my sister in law doesn’t have a dog, I actually had to go along and pick up every little piece of squished rice. It gave me new appreciation for our dog.

  51. jamie says:

    My dog is lame. She won’t eat anything the toddler drops on the floor. She sniffs it disdainfully and walks away. I totally got a broken dog.

  52. Cheryl S. says:

    We tell everyone our german shepherd is part goat. Damn dog will eat ANYTHING. As for the snorfing, get rid of those things! Can’t lick what you don’t have!

  53. Jessica Conifer says:

    I am so excited about your Hitchhiker’s Guide reference and giggling over the fact that you predict what people will obsessively worry about… “don’t they feed their dog?” “human food is bad for dogs” “maybe your dog need a doggy therapist” “your dog is working out trauma from a past life with his obsessive licking, I’ll give you my cousin’s roommate’s number, she’s does doggy exorcisms” “have you called her yet?”

  54. Lindsay says:

    My dog licks the couch and sometimes the afghans that are on the couch. It finally dawned on me that she is licking the salt off the areas that I had obliviously been wiping when eating chips or popcorn. Dogs….smarter than they look 🙂

  55. Libby says:

    OMG, love the word “snorking”!!! What a perfect description. Ha!

  56. Kim says:

    Yep, our little dauschund is a couch-licker! Wet spots everywhere!

  57. Anne says:

    Love the Douglas Adams reference!

  58. Jessica says:

    I’m currently in the process of trying to convince my 2-year-old that eating crumbs off the floor and licking the couch are gross. We’ve been talking about getting a dog, but this post makes me think that the boy and the dog will end up glorifying each others’ love of dirt-sucking…

  59. mswinniec says:

    My dog does THE EXACT SAME THING! We had to kick him out of the bedroom (the dog came with me into the relationship), cause the man describes the ball/butt licking as akin to nails on a chalkboard. I am less of a drama queen about it, but the wet spots on the couch. WHY DOG, WHY?!

    • mswinniec says:

      Oh and the dog sits next to the 2yo at all meals too. And then said 2yo gets mad that the dog is eating the food he dropped. Wouldn’t happen if you can manage to get the food into your food, now, wouldn’t it, kid?

  60. MaryC says:

    Great Scott! A Hitchhikers Guide reference AND a quirky dog story all in one post. YEA! Count your blessings that your dog is a “licker” vs. a “chewer”. I’ve got two dogs that have eaten all the plants in my backyard. Sadly, the Meyer lemon tree is now called the citrus stick. It still quivers in fear every time the dogs walk by.

  61. Lindsey says:

    Love the Hitchhikers Guide reference! Love your blog!

  62. Hannah says:

    Love this blog, but haven’t felt the need to comment until the hitchhikers reference! Love it! You are impressive in so many ways!

  63. Cat Osterhoudt says:

    Hilarious!!! My dog licks the couch too!!!! It’s actually comforting to me to know my dog isn’t the only weirdo that licks couches!

  64. Julie says:

    I had a dog that licked the couch too. It was so gross. It got all discolored in certain spots. Ewwwwww.

  65. Lana says:

    Our dog is a vacuum, unfortunately he doesn’t stop at food crumbs, he will also eat child poop and pee and lick up vomit and other disgusting materials. I love him but I don’t think I want another dog when he does pass on; for many reasons other than he eats gross things. (Having a dog is stressful to me beyond the desire to replace if he goes)

    • Megan says:

      My cousin’s dog also loves to eat poop and vomit. When I was living with her, my cousin used to travel for work and I’d be left to take care of the dog. If she vomited in the morning before I left for work, I’d just leave it and it would be gone when I came home!

      Dogs can be seriously disgusting 😛

      • Lana says:

        eeww!! but their waggy tails and happy expressions do make up for it. 🙂 my little boys love having a dog and that makes me put up with the stress, Our doggie is a houndini, tie him up, lock him up, giant fence.. whatever it doesn’t matter, he is an expert escape artist and a wanderer. Which is a great cause of anxiety for me. No one else cares but he’s turning me grey!!

  66. Meg says:

    My lab definitely snorks at all hours, not just after bedtime. Oh, and spot-cleans the rug when she fastidiously licks her paws. It’s not so pleasant to run into those spots when walking around so I always wear slippers. But she’s almost 11, so I don’t think I’ll be weaning her off those habits anytime soon!

  67. Oh, this made me laugh!!! The picture of him licking the couch was definitely my favorite… Dogs are so funny. 🙂

  68. Bethany says:

    One of our dogs isn’t always kind enough to wait till the food falls to take it from my two year old, or sometimes he just licks it a bit. I scold him but its hard when they’re partners in crime and she’s handing him the food. He also doesn’t just lick his naughty bits he full on orally pleases himself. As the vet said “some dogs do like to masturbate.” And yes he is neutered apparently “it still feels good.” It seemed funny at first now it’s just embarrassing as his favorite time to do it is when we have company.

  69. Megan says:

    My cousin has a dog who loves to lick the carpet. She is constantly pooping out small poops that are connected together by long hairs because she’s licked the carpet to death.

  70. Laura says:

    My dog licks the sofa too! Alllll the time.

  71. Marika says:

    When our dog Banjo isn’t around I will see the boys drop snaps or even find myself dropping food on the floor then thinking, “Shit now I have to pick that up.” I don’t know how parents who don’t have dogs do it!

  72. Cass says:

    We got a dog with the same furry vacuum expectations and at first it was great, then something started to seem off. We had a few cheese dropping incidents which coincided with omg what is coming out of the dog incidents. Now we know our dog cannot eat anything but dog food without days of disturbing doggy digestive issues. Now when we see something being dropped by the kids we race the dog to the misc food item yelling LEAVE IT! LEAVE IT! LEAVE IT! So in fact my floor is cleaner because I scan for dropped food constantly.
    Couch licking seems to be fine for the digestion though.

  73. Jacob Divett says:

    Ah, Ford Prefect. I love it when you reference Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

  74. Marci says:

    We have a couch licker too – a chocolate lab. We now have fake leather furniture which makes it easier to dry off. That’s not the weirdest thing she licks though. She has an obsession with armpits. Yes, armpits. If you happen to leave a shirt on the floor she will curl up on it and lick the armpits until they are sopping wet. She also likes the actual armpits, which can send you through the roof when you are on the floor playing with the kids in a tank top. Must be something about our deodorant that tastes oh so good.

  75. Amy says:

    My friend’s dog would lick the dirty dishes in the dishwasher every chance he got.

  76. Gwenniver says:

    We recently found your book and it cracked up all of us (2 boys included). Keep up the good work (and kudos on the Hitchhiker’s Guide sub-reference!).

  77. Heather says:

    I have a couch licker, too! Oh, and they know to follow the toddler. She always has the good stuff, and likes to share. If no human will take it, the dogs ALWAYS will. I think she’s bribing them. She likes to ride them, and they always let her after she shares.

  78. cathy says:

    We had a cat who licked the walls all the time. No food drops *on the walls*… and in 2 different houses, no less. So… I accept your couch-licking-dog and ante-up a wall-licking feline! 😉

  79. Kelly says:

    OMG I love that you referenced Ford Prefect! Hahahaha!!
    I often think I should get a dog for floor cleanup duty, as we are in the midst of the high chair sweeping phase. Alas I am a 100% cat only kind of girl.

  80. JGo555 says:

    We had couches that were older than my husband’s & I relationship. These couches were given to him by his parents when he moved out of their house, and they were old then. So the couches are at least 20yrs old. My dog didn’t lick the couch but she owned the sh*t out of it. She lounged in that motherf*cker like it was her business.

    Well, 2 1/2months ago, we just got new pleather couches. My dog hasn’t even tried to climb once on it. She’s that sweet, nice and calm dog.

    She is also an awesome vacuum.

  81. Dan says:

    Our dog cant be on the couch without licking it. The only way he stops is when i threaten him with a pillow. Until now I thought our dog was the only “couch licker” and that we were cursed with a dog with ungodly breath (thus making the couch smell awful.) Now I know there are other dogs like mine, and that I’m not alone in this world. Thanks Crappy Dog!

  82. Becca says:

    I always suspected you were a kindred spirit, now I know for sure! I LOVE that you would just throw in a reference to Ford Prefect’s towel with no explanation for the uninitiated. Thank you for being awesome!

    • Ali says:

      I just spent 30 minutes “researching” (um, googling) to figure out the Ford Prefect’s towel thing. It’s been decades since I read Hitchhiker’s, and I never saw the show or film, so I’m a clueless n00b.

  83. Amy says:

    My dachshund used to lick the bottoms of my feet obsessively. I’d be like, “Stop… in about five minutes.” What? It felt good.

  84. Jodi says:

    Hilarious! We have a small, almost blind, elderly dog that likes to lick the insides of everyone’s shoes, every night before bed! She spends about an hour every night going around the house, finding all the shoes, licking the insoles of the shoes to saturation. Then finds her way to our room to cry that she can’t get up on the bed, of course this is when we have finally reached that point of falling asleep!

  85. jen says:

    Yay for the HGTTG reference! 🙂

  86. Marius says:

    I love your blog. I love your book, but you mentioning Ford Prefect’s towel has made me love your work even more! 🙂

  87. Andrea says:

    Dogs are gross. We had a dog that made wet spots on our couch from licking up the secretions of her anal sac. I always appreciated the effort, but pretty much avoided the couch. And being licked by the dog.

  88. Katey says:

    I love the Ford Prefect line! Excellent reference. It’s what my couch is like, too.

  89. Julia says:

    We didn’t take our dog on our last vacation – never before did I have to clean the floor that often!!! Three kids dropping crumbs everywhere and no dog to clean up the mess….!

  90. Fenny says:

    What a hoopy Ford reference 🙂

  91. Lisa says:

    I don’t even have a dog and I’m cracking up. You get major bonus points for the Douglas Adams reference!

  92. Briony says:

    I don’t have a dog, but I have enjoyed eating outside a lot this summer, as the birds have been doing a great job cleaning up after my 2 and 5 year old boys. One evening I came down after bedtime to tidy up a amazing mess of rice they had managed too create only to find it all gone!

  93. Mary Jane says:

    Our dog doesn’t lick the couch (or the floor for matter, and she’s a Lab), but the cat loves licking the couch. And because it’s ultra suede he makes little spots all over the cushions. Thank goodness we found a company that can clean it for us but it still bothers the crap outta me (and the cleaning bills totally suck). I bet if we had kids the dog would totally follow them around to get yummy crumbs and pieces of all things delicious and off limits!!!

  94. Ali says:

    These are the most hilarious comments! Thanks for the post and the laughter!

  95. Stef says:

    At our house both of our dogs know “clean up aisle one” means find my LO and clean up any food around him.

  96. craftyashley says:

    Our dogs lick the floor, the tile floor, so thoroughly that it leaves a film that will not budge without a scrub brush and vinegar. They are also big fans of couch licking. We bought a handheld steam cleaner just to fix the skeevies that come with dogs that lick what you sit on. Before our hardwood and/or tile rule, the dogs licked the carpet. The vet even said it was bad for their health and to get them to stop. Our dogs had hair balls. Dogs.

  97. Wendy Miller says:

    I’m always reminded how much our dog cleans up after our little guy when we go out to eat and pull the high chair away from the table and see what looks like a food apocalypse under there. Food never seems to hit the ground at our house.

    This same dog is a couch licker as well, but only with our basement couch, which incidentally was licked by our 2 previous dogs, too. Must be some good stuff.

  98. Leslie says:

    Our dog recently passed away and we have been shocked at how much food 2 adults and 2 young kids accidentally drop on the floor. We thought we’d vacuum less now that she’s gone because she was a shedder, but it turns out that we vacuum more because of all the food. Our floor is a crumby mess without our doggie vacuum. Crazy!

  99. tara says:

    Hahah I had a dog that used to lick the carpets so they were ALWAYS wet when you walked barefoot on the floors.

  100. Jane-Sarah says:

    Too funny. I am in a library laughing way too loud. I am the Librarian. Everyone thinks I am nuts. Thanks for the giggles.

  101. I really enjoy your blog and haven’t commented before, but I wanted to contribute to this one because I’ve raised dogs all my life and felt I could offer some peace of mind.

    It’s normal. I have a poodle who is the same way. She often likes to lick weird things. Floor vents, couches, walls (sometimes) and loves personal hygeine products. I’m not going to get into any more detail than that..

    She also likes to sniff weird things.. over and over. She will get comfortable, move around in a circle and sniff. Repeat 100X.

    I have another dog (big Bernese Mountain Dog) who will lick the couches.. he slobbers.. it is really wet when he does this. I have to sniff to make sure someone didn’t have a pee accident.

    Your dog is not starving or OCD. He’s a dog.

    Lots of dogs (and most puppies) test out feces eating as well. Remember that when he’s kissing you 😉 lol I have chickens, so they also eat that poo as well.

  102. dropped food = Ground Score! (although it’s not quite as funny when its an army crawling baby cleaning the floor under his own highchair)

  103. Amber says:

    That is totally our dog too. He seems to be doing it more now that he is older…..

  104. The Mommy says:

    Great Hitchhiker’s Guide reference!

    And both my dogs lick the couch too. Every dog I’ve ever owned has done that. I think that’s just what dogs do.

  105. woolies says:

    We have 4 dogs. Yes, 4. I have a real issue with the couch licking. Nobody eats food on the couch, those days are over. So…what are they licking? It’s gross. I’m constantly turning over the pillows, so that of course they can then lick the other side. I need to hire a couch cleaner (a real one). But then…what’s the point?

  106. jan says:

    Love your posts and am a daily visitor but just wondering if you’re alright? You have not posted in a while. PS. Hi from Sydney!

  107. Alice Rudin says:

    Hilarious! Glad you can save on steam cleaners! Where ya been? Gotta get my “Crappy Fill” for the week!

  108. Jem says:

    Our cat used to do this, I have no idea why. It’s only now I’ve seen this that I realise he stopped doing it and I don’t know when.

    Random pet related memories, aw.

  109. Alisha says:

    I had to laugh at the drawings this time. My two-year old son discovered that the dog will actually follow him around the house if he has food in his hands! His foods of choice? Cookies or a piece of toast. Otherwise, he can’t get the dog to follow him anywhere!

    We call our dogs the “clean-up crew”. However, my son gets a kick out of throwing food on the floor just so he can watch the dogs eat it. When he is done eating or if there is something he doesn’t want, back on the plate or in mommy’s hand is not good enough. It’s gotta go to the dogs!

  110. Jen says:

    My dogs do the same thing, although, their favorite thing to lick, even more than themselves or the couch, the carpet. They have their favorite spots and will lick the carpet so thoroughly, that it gets so wet, it feels like they must have peed on it, but no, it’s just that wet from licking.

  111. Alicia says:

    At least your dog doesn’t go get your underwear out of the dirty clothes and bring them into the living room to chew on…WHILE YOU HAVE COMPANY!

    My mom’s shi tzu licks pillows and we call her “pillow lickeeeer” in the same tone as the orbit lint licker commercial.

  112. Fran says:

    My Wife and I have to remember when feeding the kids outside the house that there isn’t a dog around to clean up after the mess!

  113. Christina Rigby says:

    I was just thinking 2 days ago before a had a crying melt down at my table. Someone should write a book around the crappy stuff that happens during, parenting, life, and marriage. I was at Target (While child was at school:)) Walking and daydreaming as I passed from aisle to aisle filling the empathy for the other parents with their screaming kids. It was in my target- range (as I went to purchase another shade of pink nail polish which I will not have time to put on my toes) What to assume when you are I rolled my eyes and was about to walk away. Then I looked down to the pretty red book with the cute little drawings, It looked hopeful. I picked it up and started laughing so hard the women in the next aisle just looked at me funny. I bought all three copies left. End of Story. Love the book, and yes I was doing the exact same thing in the book while reading:)

  114. Kristen M says:

    We have a couch licker and a snorkler. Two different dogs. Both make me crazy! But it’s nice when they Hoover up crumbs

  115. Melissa says:

    OMG…You totally worked in an appropriate HHGG reference. 42 more cool points to Crappy Mama! 🙂

  116. Sam says:

    I have two dogs, but no kids. The husky-samoyed girl cleans her feet so enthusiastically that there is a huge wet spot when she is done. The german shepherd puppy licks the window when we go for car rides.

    Dogs are amazing lol

  117. Sarah says:

    Every dog I have ever owned has drenched my couch, licking it at some point. I don’t get it, it appeared to be a calming type of anxiety thing but, that’s just probably because of the breed (Weims…super nuerotic). To each their own lol

  118. j says:

    Hoorah for the Hitchhiker’s reference! Also “fancy” as a verb. Well done.