Crappy Boy Wants to Get Married

The following is a conversation that I had with Crappy Boy. We were talking about marriage (we received a wedding invitation in the mail which sparked the topic) and that got him thinking…








This explains everything. 


Honestly, at first I thought, “What? What kind of boy am I raising? He is going to leave his wife to raise 60 kids all by herself?! Where does he get these ideas?! What about his sense of family? Responsibility?”

And then I remembered that he is five.

Earlier he told me that he can see in the dark and never actually sleeps at night. And that when he eats crackers he becomes immortal. And that he doesn’t speak English because he just arrived here from another planet. And he still turns into a robot on occasion.  

So I think we’re okay.   


HUGE thanks to my awesome sponsors up there on the right for sticking it out as I worked out the bugs with the new system that is finally up and running. (I hope!) Actually, Sarah @ OneStarryNight worked out the bugs. I just sat there and sent her emails in a panic. Also thanks to Gina @ TheFeministBreeder for telling me about the auto-ad platform and for introducing me to Sarah too. In case you didn’t know, I have NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING when it comes to technical blog stuff. I’m very thankful for the help and that you guys cut me some slack when stuff breaks.  

This entry was posted in crappy pictures, five, parenting, pretend. Bookmark the permalink.

137 Responses to Crappy Boy Wants to Get Married

  1. ElizabethO says:

    My 5 year old also claims he never sleeps at night. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Diane says:

      When my son was around five he did too! He said that he just closed his eyes and then it was the next day. Just didn’t believe us that time had elapsed.

    • Nikki says:

      My 5 year old daughter admits to sleeping at night but if she happens to fall asleep during the day or in the car, she will protest to the point of tears and screaming that she WASN’T ASLEEP, SHE JUST HAD HER EYES CLOSED TO REST THEM, ALL RIGHT??? rofl!

    • hannah says:

      My 4 1/2 always promises that he will not fall asleep and the next morning he always says he did sleep. Must be the age.

      • hannah says:

        oh yea – his cousin and him used to say they were husband and wife and his little brother was their baby – scary ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Melissa says:

    Haha my five year old wants to marry his two year old sister because she stomps on his friends when they come over and that will make her cool when she’s a grown up. Nobody will mess with her (I have to agree). I love this age.

  3. Lol, I was thinking the same thing. Wondering if you would have a discussion with him then I thought, duh he’s five!! Kind of can’t wait till mine can talk better, but I know I will probably wish for the babble once he starts with the million questions phase….

  4. Jessica says:

    My daughter says she never falls asleep either! That’s so funny it’s not just her ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. maggie says:

    LOL hahahahah lol really funny!

  6. jacque says:

    Haha! My 5 year old is apparently going to marry me. That story will mortify him when he’s a teen.

    • sam says:

      ๐Ÿ™‚ that is is what my 4 year old has told me- he’s going to marry me.

      but beside that, he does want to grow up and be a dad. he announced the names he had picked out for his kids (to his grandma).
      a girl: Cera- (like Cera the triceratops from ‘land before time’)
      a boy: oatmeal.

      his grandma asked him what he would do if his wife wanted to pick different names.
      his response? “I’ll agree with my wife! ”

      • amber says:

        LOL at agree with my wife!

      • Rachel Blackett says:

        Haha good answer buddy!! Maybe my hubby needs to listen to 4 year olds….

      • Catherine S says:

        OMG Oatmeal is what my then 5 year old wanted to name his as yet unborn baby brother. Actually his full name would have been Oatmeal Chocolate T-Rex Dinosaur Peanut Butter Banana. Mostly Oatmeal though.
        It’s a good thing we don’t let 5 year olds name children.

        • Jen L says:

          This comment made me SO hungry. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        • Patricia says:

          My 5 year old daughter was desperate to call her baby sisterr Purple Marble!

        • Lily says:

          Lol! Oatmeal Chocolate T-Rex Dinosaur Peanut Butter Banana is
          the exact same rhythm my then-5-yr-olds used in complexly naming a whole bunch of their toys! Usually not foods though, alas.

        • kylie ford says:

          my so wanted to call our baby catdog

        • kelly says:

          Hee hee on the Oatmeal. My now 7-y-o son wanted to name his baby brother Lampman or Butterpuss. And I have a friend who still calls him Breakfast because her 4-y-o could pronounce his actual name!

  7. andrea says:

    My 4 year old daughter insists she will marry my 2 year old son. Her reason is because she picked him and she wants to stay in our family forever. She will hear nothing of any other boy being an option. Kids are weird.

  8. Briony says:

    My son (4 1/2) came home very disappointed from our recent jubilee celebrations in London. “I didn’t marry Anna” (he seems to have got the jubilee muddled up with last year’s royal wedding).
    Me: why not?
    Him: I don’t know
    Me…. umm, did you ask her to marry you?
    Him: blank confused look “no”
    Me: oh, well if you want to marry her, you have to ask her if she wants to marry you.
    I then went on to describe how he had to go down on one knee etc, but then as I realised I was perpetuating gender specific roles, I quickly also added that she could also ask him if she wanted to… Oh its so complicated isn’t it!
    BTW, he seems to have gone off the idea of marrying her and hasn’t asked her.

    When I was 3 or 4 there was a nice red head boy at my playgroup called Benjamin who was going to get a mortgage and marry me, apparently we used to go behind the bushes together, but as I have no recollection about this other than the stories I’ve been told I have no idea what we actually did in the bushes together…

  9. Christine says:

    My daughter who is now 7 said she never wanted to get married because she didn’t want to share a bed with anyone. She also thinks kissing is gross. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Jessica says:

      I also used to say that I never wanted to get married because I didn’t want to have to share my room with someone. I said that until I was 34. (And I’m still not sure how much I like it.)

  10. Tracy says:

    When my son was 5 he told me that he wants me to tell “that lady” that he doesn’t want to have to change any diapers. I said “What lady?” and he said “you know the one I’m going to live with someday instead of you” (that’s how he refers to his future wife I guess) I told him “You’re going to take that up with her honey, but good luck with that” They are too funny!

  11. gala says:

    there must some sort of youth insomnia epidemic, as my 5 yr old boy told me last night that he also never slept. very odd, these children.

  12. Rebecca says:

    He’ll have to live in California! ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. ariel says:

    My four year old claims that she doesn’t sleep well because her panda pillow pet wakes up at night to eat bamboo out of the backyard.

    • Kristin says:

      Hilarious! Where do they come up with this stuff?

      • Lizz says:

        a children’s book called Down in the Forest (if I remember right) The bears all wake up to have a party in the woods and then leave muddy paw prints on the carpet. My mom was always afraid that we’d get crazy ideas and try to run away to follow our bears (she told us years later).

  14. Rainyday says:

    My 5 year old tells grand tales about his ‘electric eye’. It lives in his skull – or sometimes in a cave above his penis – and it can see everything: the moon, the rocks under the dirt, daddy’s office from our house, the cookies we supposedly don’t have anymore. And he’s going to marry his brother and they’re having a bunch of kids in the Mac & Cheese Factory he owns, which will be next door to our house. (Part of the actual conversation, about their names: “Happy, Long, Giraffe and Flashlight. And Mat, Dinosaur, Cat, Crayon, Chalk and Felix. Happy has blue skin. And another Flashlight. Actually, I don’t want two Flashlights…I’ll name the other kid Bag.”)


    • amber says:

      Oh my gosh, that electric eye in the cave above his penis!!!!!!!!! So funny!

    • neal says:

      I wonder what would happen if I told my wife about my electric eye. A turn on? Based on my foreplay track-record, I should probably keep my mouth shut. I lose a lot of nookie for the sake of seeing that look of incredulity cross her face. But it’s a very funny look. Almost worth it.

    • Kristin says:

      Holy moly! Sangria just got spit across my porch! The most hilarious thing I have read all day!

    • me says:

      you sure he’s not one of those types to be regularly abducted by aliens for scientific experiments? my kids are so vanilla. blue bear is bluey, dog toy is doggy…

  15. Shelley West says:

    I think there are a lot of men who have not grown past that 5 year old belief….that they can play while the wife takes care of everything.

  16. Missy says:

    Back when I was a little blonde five-year-old with freckles and Snoopy rain boots, I married a grubby five-year-old in my apartment complex. Seth. We climbed trees and I got sap in my hair, then he gave me a blue plastic ring with a blue plastic diamond. It was awesome. But then I moved across town and we were heartbroken, probably for like a whole four months. And that’s why my Cabbage Patch dolls didn’t have a daddy. Ha!

  17. That’s awesome. I should have married Abigail myself.

    • amber says:

      Me too, I’d love a sister wife who can take care of 60 kids. Actually, she only needs to take care of two.

      • Heather says:

        Bwahaha, me too!

      • Kim says:

        Been watching ‘Big Love’ reruns, Amber?

      • Count Scary says:

        Speaking as someone with a Y chromosome, I have to say the whole sister wives thing sounds great……on paper.

        All I can envision is having not one wife irked at me, but two. Or three. At the same time.

        Oh, and I would need a better job where I made much much more money.

  18. Ruth says:

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Omgosh…can’t breathe. My son is 2 1/2 and I honestly can’t wait for those conversations. Love it!

  19. In the car on the way home from a wedding we attended, my 4 year old announced that he was going to marry me. When we pointed out that I was already married to daddy, he replied: “maybe daddy will die first.” Ummmm, he just killed off daddy so he can marry mommy – should we be worried? Then he decided that he could marry grammy because she takes him fun places. lol- kids are so funny.

  20. neal says:

    My wife gave me a hug the other day and my two-year old put her hands in the air and said, “STOP! NO HUGGING!”

    And my wife said, “In can hug him, he’s my husband.”

    And my daughter said, “No, MY husband!”

    And my wife hugged me harder and said, “MY husband.”

    And my daughter stamped her feet and made a fist in the air and screamed like a battle cry, “MY HUSBAND!” And then she jumped on me and grabbed my head like she was going to try and twist it off. “MINE! MINE! MINE!”

    You’d think my wife backed down at this point, but I’m sorry to say the back-and-forth continued to escalate, with me stuck in the middle.

    Finally, I said, “I’m gonna go get a sandwich and watch TV,” and worked at extricating myself from my two grasping women.

    But then my wife let go of me, as though realizing just what she was fighting over, and said, “Fine, you can have him.”

    But my daughter only wants things she can’t have. So she said, “I don’t want him either.”

    And Addison climbed into her mom’s lap and they read a book together. And I shrugged and got a sandwich.

    • magz says:

      hahaha . so cute! my baby girl is 16m and wants nothing to do with daddy

    • Kim says:

      I”ll be here waiting patiently for the link to your Daddy Blog ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • Nancy says:

      I had the same thought Kim! Neal needs to write his own blog.

      • MamaBean says:

        I third that comment! Can we get a post on the other foreplay comments that have thrown you from the nookie train? Definitely need to make my husband read that one!

        • neal says:

          If you’ve ever heard something that made you cringe, or go WTF?! I might have said it. Sometimes you just can’t keep the jokes inside.

          • Kelly Gilcrist says:

            You are so funny and sound exactly like my hubby. He says some pretty inappropriate things, esp during foreplay.

          • Lindsay says:

            Never commented here before, and I don’t always stalk my husband Neal’s online commenting, but in this case, I thought I might get a little sympathy. When I think about his foreplay gone awry, the first one that comes to mind was from pregnancy: “Who’s my fat cow?” followed by, “I took it too far, didn’t I?” I’m glad I read through this thread to find out that an “electric eye” living in an oddly placed cave might be in my future.

    • me says:

      Neal, lindsay, think about it… he said/she said – a book deal awaits. men are from mars, women are from venus, and God only knows where the kids are from

  21. woolies says:

    Actually, this explains a lot. I hope my husband has been having fun riding bikes all these years.

  22. Dina says:

    I love it! both my boys still think girls are gross! My youngest brother was 10 when my oldest son was born. He kept coming up with horrible names (he thought they were awesome) for the baby. I recently had the pleasure of informing his fiancee that their children were going to be named Big Betha, & Mort the Short Wort! Hilarious!

  23. Dina says:

    I love it! both my boys still think girls are gross! My youngest brother was 10 when my oldest son was born. He kept coming up with horrible names (he thought they were awesome) for the baby. I recently had the pleasure of informing his fiancee that their children were going to be named Big Bertha, & Mort the Short Wort! Hilarious!

  24. Rachel Blackett says:

    My child is still too young for these convos yet BUT my sister when she was 5 came home and told mum she had sex on the backfield with Alex Jones. My mum was horrified until she realized that yes she was only 5 she asked her what “sex” was? My sister frustrated with her then said “you know Seeeeex…” And started BALLROOM DANCING around the room!! lol!!! (She didn’t even want to know about the birds and the bees until she was about 15, and even then its because she had no choice lol)

  25. Tina says:

    Ha! My daughter told me once that she’s going to have 12 kids and my husband and I are going to watch them while she’s at work. Later she changed her mind to 10, because she didn’t think we could handle taking care of all 12.

  26. Anne S says:

    My 6 yr old boy also claims to be able to see in the dark bc he has brown eyes!

  27. heather burchett says:

    LOL my son while at Disney World earlier this summer asked me who was I married to? and I said daddy-and then here recently he asked me why did I marry daddy? lol on top of that his two “girlfriends” that he has claimed as girlfriends have been older girls-old enough to be his big big sisters and had boyfriends….Now that’s scary….

  28. wilma fingerdoo says:

    When my son was 9, I asked him to make a card for his cousin who was going to college in the city. He drew a card with skyscrapers and wrote “Don’t forget to hold your mom’s hand when crossing the street!”. I explained that she would be away from mom and dad and living on her own and would be OK crossing the street by herself.
    But still, he went into panic mode. He then announced that he would marry BEFORE college so that he would have a wife to help him out. Gotta love the logic….

  29. Charity says:

    When my youngest was 3 she used to tell me she had a flashlight in her brain that made her able to see in the dark when I wasn’t looking. ๐Ÿ™‚

  30. Sarah says:

    My five year old ALSO wants 60 kids…wonder if there is something really great about having 60 kids. We told him he’d need more than one wife to accomplish that…

  31. cathy says:

    my daughter used to say she could see in the dark because she has “bright blue eyes”…

  32. Rae Darefsky says:

    My six year old is an elf…that means that he flies to the North Pold every night when we are sleeping and builds toys all night. I was thinking this tale wouldn’t live much past January, but here it is–JULY–and the story is still going strong. I admire his stick-to-it-tiveness!

  33. Heather says:

    At 4, my son had 5 wives. One of the 5 was Michael Jackson (this was right after his death so he was everywhere). My son’s logic was “cause him’s a girl, so I marry him”.

  34. Tammy says:

    Too funny, last night this was my Facebook status “Chris just told me “When Ellie and me get to be grown ups, I’m gonna marry Ellie.” I’ve been replaced, he used to want to marry me :(…….Chris is my almost 5 year old and Ellie is his 18 month old sister.

  35. Amanda says:

    My now-8-year-old told me 2 years ago that he and is friend were going to buy three houses, the two boys were going to live in the middle house and their two wives and their kids would live either side. The ideal married man/bachelor pad!

    • Heather says:

      That sounds not half bad actually. Assuming I don’t have to clean the middle houses.

      • Tanja says:

        Huahahaha!!! I lOVE this idea!!! My house would be free of dirty clothes right next to the hamper (on the floor), and all the other husband mess, and i’d get only the husband.

        Where do i sign up?

  36. LIsa says:

    This was my marriage conversation with my 5 year old yesturday..
    me: Joe, never leave me
    joe: never mama!
    me: Not even when you get married? You won’t go live with her?
    Joe: MOMMM, silly, I’m going to marry YOU!

    • PandoraTrue says:

      And unfortunately that is how little boys grow up into men who cannnot have successful marriages because mama messed up their thinking and their boundaries early o’clock. It’s cute when they’re 3, not cute when they’re 33. Sorry to bring the room down.

  37. Jessica Smith says:

    My 4yo has a “girlfriend” and told me the other day that she has to move into our house since they are boyfriend and girlfriend now and boyfriends and girlfriends always live together. Where does he get this stuff? Oy!

  38. Laurel says:

    When my daughter was four, she told me she was going to marry two different boys and they were all going to live in a castle. One of them was going to spend his days slaying dragons, and the other one was going to bring her “flowers and roses” every single day.

    • Annalisa says:

      I like the way she thinks. ๐Ÿ™‚

      My kid’s too little to talk about love and things like that (21 months), but I’ve caught her checking out teenage boys more than twice now (as in staring and giggling at them). She also had a boy friend at her regular day care, and a different one at the drop in daycare at our gym.

      Me: “We’re gonna have our hands full with this one in a decade or so, won’t we?”
      Husband: “Yep. It’s not too late to send her to a nunnery, you know…”.

  39. Kim Pinsel says:

    Hahahaha. We went on the Disney Cruise with my bro & his family when our youngest & his cousin were 5. After spending dinner in “the kids club” (i.e., moms & dads get grown-up dinner!!), our boys announced that they had kissed a girl. Both of them. The saaaaame girl. Under the alligator slide. Only my son couldn’t say his “r” or “l” sounds. So it went more like, “I met a gull. I kissed huh. Unda the awigatoh swide. On the WHIPS!!!” she kissed ’em both. Under the alligator slide. On the lips. Tramp.

  40. Anna says:

    Haha, that is gold! My five year old also wants like 50 kids, what is it with them???

  41. Tricia says:

    Sounds exactly like my five year old son. He’s also planning a polygamous multi-gendered marriage, and he happens to be a vampire and he comes from another world where everything is different and he’s had multiple former lives… and on and on. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  42. Laura says:

    My 3 year old daughter announced one day that she wanted to marry me. When I asked why she said “because I love you and you marry people you love”. When I told her that she couldn’t marry me, she wanted to marry daddy, then her little brother, then she decided she would let me chose who she marries as its “too difficult to choose” lol.

    • Kim says:

      When she brings home some unsavoury character and tells you she’s “in love” while he gropes her right in front of you and calls you ‘dude’, you can call her on that little agreement!

      • Nancy says:

        “…gropes her… and calls you dude…” I am laughing so hard I have tears streaming from my eyes!

  43. Elizabeth says:

    This is great! I love the “when I grow up conversations”. A girl in my neighbourhood told all the parents she was going to be a “dog driving a car” when she grow up!

    The dreams of 5 year olds!

  44. Annie says:

    This is great! My son is going to “live with” the twins next door. They are the only girls his age that he knows, and he calls them “Carol-Anna” because he isn’t sure they aren’t both the same person. When we ask him about the traits for the girls he likes (he never says “marry”), he always lists them as relates to the twins: red hair, likes mud, has garbage truck toys he can borrow, has a kitty…

  45. Jo says:

    When my kid was 4, he told me he was going to marry a girl named Rachel – not our friend Rachel, but a girl just like her. The highlights of this coversation were: they would dress up (him in a suit, her in a dress) and have a big party with dancing and balloons. They would eat shrimp and jelly beans and go on a cruise for a honeymoon. Also, since Rachel wasn’t old enough to have babies in her tummy, they would adopt lots of babies.

    It was so elaborate and out of the blue I made sure to write it all down. He’s 8 now. He ran across the paper recently and was mortified. *lol*

  46. Jennifer says:

    PLEASE tell me that you will tell him about this conversation when he does get married and has kids someday! LOL!!

  47. This is why I’m not married.

    Glad you got the system fixed Amber! Happy to be a part of your non-crappy sponsors! <3

  48. I think my husband thought the same thing before we got married. But we have a few less than 60 kids. We found that one is plenty.

  49. This really does explain so much! The perfect scenario in the eyes of a man. Kudos to him for being so imaginative. Kids are always so much more open minded than adults.

  50. Fenny says:

    When I was 7, I was going to marry Martin, who was in my class at school. We told my mum about it. She asked what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said he was going to be a burglar. I was going to spend my time baking cakes with files inside to send to him in prison, so Mum would have to look after our kids.

  51. Erica says:

    My 4-year-old is very certain she is going to marry her 6-year-old sister when she grows up. It’s going to be an awesome wedding, and dude! The cost savings for us!

    • schaun says:

      Once I locked myself out of my car and my then 6 year old said, “Don’t worry Mommy, I just remembered I can open doors with my mind.” Unfortunately, he couldn’t *that day* so we called someone to open it for us! He also told me he was going to marry this little girl he knew and that she would help me wash the dishes while he and Daddy went to work each day. Sounds good to me!

  52. Patricia O says:

    Can’t wait to read your Crappy Daughter-in-Law posts!!

  53. Kristi says:

    He thinks he is a robot? Let’s talk…

  54. Audrey says:

    My oldest daughter when she was 5 said she wanted to marry Jake (her cousin) we said sorry you can’t, so she decided that she would instead marry Justin (another cousin) nope again sorry kid. She asked why and at the same time my husband and I both answered “because it’s icky” and then we burst into giggles and couldn’t stop. She was mad.
    Now at 7 she’s not sure if she wants to get married or have kids which is ok by me, because her 5 year old sister keeps talking about finding a boy to have babies with but really has no use for him after that.

  55. Moo says:

    DUHHHHHHH riding bikes. Sheesh. :-))

  56. Lillian says:

    The first phone call I got from my 5 year old’s school was to inform me he tried to kiss a girl on the cheek on the first week of school!!! Then he lies to me it was she who tried to kiss him and after some serious questioning he broken down and fessed up. Surprised to hear that by the end of the school year he had married her. I wasn’t even informed much less invited. All from playing house.

  57. Stephanie says:

    OMG, my brother insisted for a couple of years around that age that he never slept. It’s been a running joke in our family for 30+ years now!
    And poor Abigail. Poor poor Abigail ๐Ÿ˜‰

  58. Kathleen says:

    My daughter told me when she was 4 that she never wanted to get married or have kids. Instead, she wanted to own a lot of cats. Now that she’s five, she seems to have changed her mind because she wants lots of babies.

    My son really wants to get married and have three kids, named {son1, daughter, son2}, maybe five, with the other two named {mommy and daddy}. At least he thinks we are the ideal family!

  59. Amy says:

    Lol my five year old came home from school and told me he was going to marry his friend Pippa – it had all been arranged – but she was away so he’d had to marry Phoebe instead ๐Ÿ˜€

  60. My 5yo was very disappointed to hear he could never marry his 1yo sister. He now hopes God will marry her because he loves everyone. He’ll want to marry her because she is nice and pretty and funny.

  61. Erin OK says:

    that sounds like a half-sensible plan. if we had another person in this marriage, maybe they could do the housework. and I could go ride bikes.

  62. mrsmouthy says:

    Oh goody! This is the stage of development when you introduce the term “sister wives.” Although this sounds more like “brother and sister wives,” and I’m not sure if that’s the same stage of development or not…

  63. Sara says:

    My five your old recently told me that he wished he could marry me.

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