During the month of October, I’ll be featuring a handful of guest writers on this blog. Don’t cry. This will be awesome. These will be collaborative guest posts. Sorta. Mostly. I handpicked a bunch of hilarious writers and then I drew crappy pictures to go with their stories.
I’ll also be writing regular posts so this is just a tasty bonus for you. Yum.
And!
I’m announcing:
Yay! A contest! For you! My lovely, non-crappy readers!
This is what you can win:
No, not me. Not my laptop either. Not the chair, the dress or the table.
So basically not much. Are your expectations adequately lowered? Good.
If you win this contest, this is what will happen:
Your story illustrated on this blog in crappy pictures.
RULES:
- Contest is open to anyone over the age of 18. (Parents, non-parents, grandparents, pygmy goats, robots, etc.)
- Open to all countries that allow stories and crappy pictures.
- Story must be parenting/kids/babies/childhood related.
- Must be your own story. (Meaning, don’t copy and paste from another person’s blog or something lame and illegal like that.)
TO ENTER:
Leave a comment that tells me the essence of your story using FIVE sentences or less. Seriously. FIVE sentences or less.
Example: “That time I slipped cat puke and poured a bowl of cereal down my shirt because my son scared me by hiding in a cupboard.” See? That was only ONE sentence. I’m being generous with five. It could be something that happened. It could be a funny conversation with your child. It could even be something from your own childhood. I’m open.
You may enter twice. Meaning, two separate stories.
Please note: your comment entry is not the final story that will be published on the blog. If you are selected as a winner, I’ll contact you for more details of the story and for the description of the people too. Your story also may be edited by me for clarity or for grammar and spelling and such.
There will be THREE winners, selected by me, based on how much I want to draw the story. Or if it made me laugh. Or if my crystal ball told me to pick it.
Contest closes Monday, October 1st, 2012. COMMENTS & CONTEST CLOSED!
Thanks everyone…I’ll be reading through these over the next few days!
*Contest prize has no monetary value. I own the copyright for all images created for the story. You will retain the copyright for your story text. I will name you as the author (and link to a blog if you have one, no worries if you don’t) or you can remain anonymous.
That time my then 4 year old daughter, oh so loudly asked me about my pubic hair. While eating lunch. In Tim Horton’s. A Tim Hortons FULL of high school students and senior citizens.
Nina, that is too funny and coincidental, see my entry? lol
The time my then 3 year old found a discarded “afro” halloween wig at Walmart and put it between her legs announcing she was me in the shower.
I just choked on my own spit. Hahahaha!!
That made me laugh so hard!!!!! I nearly choked on my spit too!
OMG I’m dying….LOL!!
Yes, I see the connection Michelle! Nice one!
TEEHEEHHEEHEEEEEEE
hahhaha.. i totally lol’ed
Bahahahaha! That is fantastic.
Oh that is awful and so funny!
Baaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha! YOU WIN! LOL OMG.
I have 2 year old twin boys and a 3 year old boy. We are moving to the Netherlands from South Carolina in a matter of 4 weeks. I have done nothing to plan for this (except sell a few measly items on Craigslist and in a ‘moving sale’), and yet we are, in fact, moving no matter what. I don’t know what else to say. Isn’t that bad enough?
Farrah, check this community for help and their facebook group:
http://www.amsterdam-mamas.nl/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/ams.mamas/
Good luck from Amsterdam
Hello Farrah, if you need help with the moving or just meet other parents you can join group “Amsterdam mamas” in facebook or check their website. They are not only for Amsterdam. Good luck from Amsterdam
That Thanksgiving morning when my girls decided it would be a good idea to wake up early, sneak a pair of scissors into their room, give each other haircuts and cut off the “excess fabric” from the curtains, making them not quite window length instead of almost floor length.
I can relate to that. The day before my sister’s birthday pictures (her: 3, me: 4.5), she and I decided to cut her hair to make gold, sort of like in the story Rumpelstiltskin. She has really, REALLY short bangs in that photo.
When my niece was about 14 months, my brother and SIL gave her “naked time” after her bath. She toddled into the living room, where my SIL had a bowl of Christmas M&M’s in a bowl…one was on the floor. Olivia sat down hard on the candy; it disappeared. As she walked further, the candy fell out of her bum. My SIL walked into the room, saw the candy, and popped it into her mouth while my brother was saying “NOOOOOOOOOOO” in slow motion.
Ok, I’m dying to see how this one would look crappified!
OMG, I just laughed so hard I woke up my baby!
Bahahahaha this one has my vote! Eww so gross and hilarious!
HILARIOUS!
I can’t breathe, laughing too hard.
That is AWESOME – and crappy! so bonus!
Haha!! That reminds me of the time my son was wandering around naked and I thought he had a hemorrhoid. When I asked him to bend over I saw it was a Goldfish cracker. I don’t know which would have been worse
that’s soo funny toddler looking at me bemused
OMG that is hilarious!!! This story definitely has my vote!! I really hope your SIL spit out the M&M…
After my son was born, my 2 year old daughter didn’t really know what to make of me constantly feeding and changing him. One day, she was watching a diaper change and he peed sprayed everything in a 3 foot radius. My daughter said, “Oh, dat’s what he do. He spray water,” and walked away having finally figured out why we got this baby.
My Mother was rushing from one room to the other carrying a bowl of Jello. She slipped on something, the bowl of Jello flew into the air, stuck to the ceiling and as my Mother was lying on her back on the floor the Jello was falling from the ceiling onto her. Of course, all of us kids were lauging like crazy and eventually she was too.
Tips on keeping a toddler (or two)’s diaper on. Put footed sleeper on backwards, duct tape and more duct tape, etc etc (lots of very honest, useful suggestions). Final scene: mom comes up to find her boys after their nap, in their cribs, diapers off, with duct tape intact, smearing poop everywhere.
14 month old, comment in his book at day care:
Kevin discovered the playhouse outside today. Boys and girls came to play with him in the playhouse. He threw mulch at them. Finally they got the hint…
Yeah, that kid.
Pam
How about the time i left my 8 month old son naked to air our his diaper rash and he ate his own poop? At least it wasn’t his brothers poop!
Contest: my 7 year old and I are at the movie theaters in bathroom with largest popcorn you can imagine. She holds the popcorn while I go in the stall. She decides to “heat it up” and puts it under the high pressure hand dryer. Every kernel of popcorn rains down over everyone in the stalls.
Ok, out of all these funny entries, THIS one makes me cry with laughter! I could just visualize this so perfectly!
You get my vote
really laughed out loud!
This! Tears in my eyes laughing!
Sammy with a broken foot, 20 months old, pleading for a cupcake at the bakery at Target. I told him No, because he already had one. Baker thought I was the worst parent EVER and snuck him a big cookie when I was focusing on the mango selection.
That time I was pushing my kids around in a double stroller in the grocery store and 1) my daughter had forgotten to put on underpants and was flashing all the other shoppers, 2) my pants were falling off the entire time I was attempting to shop, and 3) when I was checking out the stroller WHUMPED over with both kids staring up at the ceiling and the judgy baggers almost called CPS on me. Oh, and when I got home I discovered that my pants falling down? Not due to weight loss. I had forgotten to button them.
This is made even funnier by the fact that here,in Scotland, pants are actually knickers!!
Just the other day my daughter wrote on the wall, floor and in the heater vent… With her poop.
one day i noticed that my toddler was walking back and forth between her toy box and the mud room (where the dog door is). after a while, i went out the mud room door to feed the dog. there were so many toys piled up outside the dog door that i could barely open the door.
(three sentences, YES!)
Getting ready to head up north for our week vacation, just had to pick up the kids from daycare. On the way out, my daughter wanted to stop at the front desk and take a leftover snack….her favorite, a banana! Loading them into the car, my 4 year old son got into his car seat, and my 2 year old, stubborn, strong-willed, independent daughter decided she was crawling through the car to the other side. After she was on the floor of the car, underneath her brother’s feet, she decided she wanted no help and refused to move. As I reached down to help her, she flailed and stabbed me in the eye with the banana stem!
The time my son learned that it is acceptable to pee outside from his friend. This family was over for sampler night at our house and their son decided to open the sliding glass back door and pee outside. My son thought it was brilliant and we STILL have problems trying to get him to NOT pee in public, more than 2 years later.
Uh oh sounds like us.
On a busy street in my home town while I’m shopping in the bookstore,my niece was watching my 2.5 yr old son. She comes running in to the store in a panic that he pulled down his pants. I come outside ( reluctantly I must say) to see him finishing up. His comment? Don’t worry mom i made sure it’s in the drain.
My newly-potty-trained son pulled down his pants and peed from the top of the playground structure… while at a play date with several of our neighborhood friends. We’ve had many other public peeing incidents since then but that was the first and most embarrassing.
My four year old son asked for a lizard for Christmas. I explained Santa couldn’t transport animals. He replied “you said you got a puppy when you were a kid.” I launched into a whole warm blooded versus cold blooded explanation. He sighed and replied. “Ok, I’ll just take a puppy.”
Side note– that adorable four year old is now a college senior… sigh.
Oldest daughter was about 4 and was watching me change. She pointed to the stretch marks on my tummy. “Why is your tummy so wrinkly, Mommy?” she asked. I was a bit frustrated and answered, “Because you and your sister were in there and stretched it all out.”
She goes in for the kill with her follow-up question: “Were we in your booty too?”
Oh wow. Too funny!
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!!! I’m crying! Ahhhhhh!
OMG hilarious!
Take your pick all stories involve 2 toddlers 1 boy &1 girl. Painted blue with 5 gallon bucket paint, stuck in fridge, poured gas on each other, pushed downstairs. Preteens now, so they did survive, mom not responsible for supervising for all incidents.
Getting ready to head up north for our week vacation, just had to pick up the kids from daycare. On the way out, my daughter wanted to stop at the front desk and take a leftover snack….her favorite, a banana! Loading them into the car, my 4 year old son got into his car seat, and my 2 year old, stubborn, strong-willed, independent daughter decided she was crawling through the car to the other side. After she was on the floor of the car, underneath her brother’s feet, she decided she wanted no help and refused to move. As I reached down to help her, she flailed and stabbed me in the eye with the banana stem, causing a cheese grater effect and visit to the ER.
Mommy stubs toe at beach, sees sand and blood, goes to lake to wash. Son (2.5yo) pelts mommy with sand while daddy, gramma and grampa look on. Mother pleads for bucket, finally gets it. (Son still pelting Mommy with sand.) Before taking bucket to seat to fully access damage, mother fills bucket with water and pours it over son.
That time I was in the pool snack bar bathroom with my then 3-year old and I had to change a tampon, and I thought I tricked her into spinning in circles “like a ballerina!” so she wouldn’t notice but instead she fell down and looked right up as I was jamming the thing in, and she started sobbing and screamed “MOMMMMMMY!! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT THING IN YOUR BUUUUUUUUTTTT?” and then mortified, I opened the door to find a horrified father and his four-ish son staring at me, probably wondering WTF I was doing shoving things up my ass at the country club snack bar with my kid in tow.
OMG that killed me! I’m loving her contest idea just because I’m reading through everyone’s stories & it’s too funny
I’m dying!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG…I nearly peed! Soo funny!
haha, not sure anyone needs to see that in pictures, though, lol
can’t breathe!!!! laughing
AGHH!!! I almost peed my pants too on that one!
This is SO FUNNY! win! win! oh my gosh, that’s hilarious!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Struggling, too too funny. I’m at work and can hardly keep it together lol
I can’t stop laughing
Omg!!!!! So hilarious!!!
*WHEEZING WITH LAUGHTER*
Can’t breathe! Too frickin’ hysterical!!! I know this probably wouldn’t be pg rated crappy pics… But OMFG- SO. FUNNY.
I sooo wanna see this one illustrated with crappy pictures!!
Oh my GOD I think my tummy is now toned from laughing at this one! Crappy picture it! Do it!
My son ripped his diaper off and crapped on my awesome Alice in Wonderland hardcover with original Tenniel illustrations. I found it when my 4 year old daughter mentioned ” something stinks by the bookshelf”.
14 month old, comment in his daycare “what I did today” book: Kevin discovered the playhouse today. Boys and girls came over to play with him. He stood at the door and three mulch at them. They got the message….
Yeah, that kid.
All mine, ladies, all mine.
Pam
For as long as we have been together, I have called my husband “Babe”. Recently, my 4 year old and I were taking a bath (don’t judge, it’s fine…and not often) and we thought one of his bath toys was hilarious. He said, “Mommy, call Babe”… Now, when my husband says something to tease my son,the boy says, “Baaaabe….”
Sam, 14 mo old, post-bath streak. Toddled up to hubbie on the computer. I hear “Sam! NO! He’s peeing on me!”
My 2 year old fed an entire bottle of thyroid pills to the dog, necessitating an urgent trip to the vet. Said child was poopy and also wet from playing in a water table, so had to ninja her into clean dry clothes first. Car seat had been inexplicably removed from impossibly small car requiring me to wedge giant body into back seat to re-install. Had to drive through known speed trap in rush hour traffic to get to vet, then entertain 2 year old child in pet store for ninety minutes while dog’s stomach was pumped. All parties survived but it was touch and go for a while.
That time (every night for a month) I had to army crawl out of my 2 year old’s bedroom because, apparently – when separation anxiety rear its ugly head – an imaginary umbilical cord re-grows and you cannot be more than 3 inches away from your toddler.
YES!!!! I’m stuck in that camp right now….ugh.
We should have a cocktail-time each night so we don’t go into “said toddler’s” room out of mommy despair!
The time I was desperately trying to get my newborn son to take a friggin nap before I lost my mind, and my almost-2yo daughter kept coming in to shout “ARE YOU SLEEPING YET, BABY JONAS?”, so I begged her to please, please go play in her room for 3 minutes. I nursed him in bed, started to sneak out, he woke up, started screaming… but I had seen his sister standing on the changing table in her room, so he lost that bid for my attention. When I got to her she was reaching for the wipes box (shelf above the table), and as I pulled her away I got slimed – she was greasy from head to toe. Vaseline. As Jonas wailed in the background, she looked up at me and said “I need a wipe!”
When I was a baby my Mother knew that if she heard me singing in my very ornate, spindled rails crib to come running with the bleach and LOTS of rags. Poop, Poop, Poop and MORE POOP from the top of the crib, rubbed into the spindles, up under the mattress, even in the springs on the bottom of it.
*edit* threw, not three.
That time my toddler gave his baby sister a goodnight lick.
Chubby white-haired pink-cheeked, button-nosed Grandpa (Bampa) went on holiday for a few months. When he returned, we got the kids (3 and 4) to answer the doorbell. They ran around yelling with joy that Santa Clause was at the door. He’d grown a long beard and longish hair and yep, he looked more like Santa than Santa himself. It took weeks to convince them that this Santa guy was actually Grandpa, not Santa, but none of us was really ever convinced.
Around 18 months, I indulged myself by spending 2 minutes brushing my teeth. During that amount of time, she found an unguarded tube of Desitin and decided to test whether or not it was edible. Later, in my arms, she barfed a copious amount while I was holding her. Because I am so well-endowed in the cleavage department, my bra was able to contain the entire mess she’d just jettisoned, without spilling a single drop on the floor.
That gives new meaning to ‘boobie trap’.
LOL!! Definately a boobie trap!
Told my potty-training 2.5-year old mommy has to poop. So I go to the potty and of course the phone rings, he picks it up and of course ask him where’s mommy. His response: Mommy’s pooping. Why couldnt it be a telemarketer??
The time I went out for the first time as a mother of 3 and my stroller got stuck in the glass vestible in Shoppers. Everyone was staring. I was trying to retreat as fast as possible as my other 2 were fighting in said stroller. I pulled the wheels off and shoved it through the door.
The time my daughter started rolling away in the shopping cart, in the grocery store parking lot, while I was trying to put the baby in wrap carrier. Luckily she said, “wheeeeeee!” so I noticed what was happening before she got too far away.
We went into a local (FANCY!) jewelry store (think a local Tiffany’s) with our crappy baby. Said baby was a perfect angel until he decided to showcase his new talent: blowing on my arm and making fart noises. Every time we went past someone he’d “fart”. Sales-people not so amused. Mommy and Daddy mortified.
That time when Kid 1 was 11 months old and started to poop in the tub, and Daddy fell all over himself and got poop everywhere trying to get her out of the tub in time, and when it was all over except the cleaning up (the floor, tub, and bathroom scale), she looked at him and said, “Diaper.”
That time when my daughter drank a bottle of green food coloring at the craft store, while my hubby was on the phone w/me trying to figure out what he was supposed to be buying. And then the time we almost took our son to the doctor until we remembered he drank red food coloring, LOL.
Wow, your kids must really love food coloring lol
about year ago they shut down the water for the whole night in our building (constructions). in the morning we only had running water in the kitchen. we started filling up buckets to fill up the toilet tank, many many trips. when it was finally full, my 2 year old flushed the toilet… without blinking once
Last Halloween with a 2 year old. He would say “I’m a T Rex, Rawr!” and then enter the house and roll on their dog bed or go in their bedroom. One woman and her child had to block him with their legs – he dropped down and tried to crawl under. We only visited 5 houses.
So, a few days ago my husband went to change our 2 year old daughter, while we were shopping, and he brought our 4 year old with into the bathroom. He got all set up in the handicapped stall where the changer was, and he could see out the door into the empty bathroom, so he let our 4 year old son stay out there. Meanwhile, the door opened and a man came in, and my husband could see my son tiptoeing toward the guy, and he called to him to come stand by him. He didn’t answer, so he called again, and my 4 year old yelled out, “Daaaad, I. just. have. to. watch. this. guy. peeeee” (he was at a urinal). TOTALLY. INAPPROPRIATE but the guy said, “It’s only fun to watch your dad pee.” LOL
LOVE what the guy said! TOO funny!
that’s hilarious
LOL!!! This had me crying!!
So funny, good answer from the man at the urinal!
The time I was trying to clean my then one year-old daughter’s room and she kept saying “Yuck” while standing behind me. I kept my back turned to her as I hung up her clothes, and tried to brush off her off. I felt her little hand in mine, she said yuck again, and when I looked down, I realized with horror that she had handed me poop.
This happens quite often in my house 2 adults, 4 kids, one bathroom. 5 year old is sitting on toilet, 7year old needs to go NOW, runs in has a screaming fight ending in “Hurry Adasyn it’s slipping out!”
octopus baby at the doctors- EVERY time! it’s fun until you get in the little room and the nurse says take everything off, then suddenly they latch on like that crazy alien from the movies (ya know the face sucking scary one).
Every time I come back from my workout my house looks 10x worse then before I left. Of course my husband is in charge and when I come back it seems that every single toy is taken out and just spread all over the whole house, then all I hear is how exhausted he is from taking care of the kids. Really one hour? Sigh. More work for me.
It was my first time to a park as a mother of three children. As I am loading my newborn into the stroller I look over to see my 5 year old bawling as he is watching a group of people we don’t know have a picnic…why? They are eating his two favorite things, lemonade and cookies. My 3 year old then proceeds to run into the parking lot and scared, I run after him without locking the stroller, in which my newborn starts rolling the opposite direction, which then led to the man with lemonade and cookies chasing my stroller.
The time my 2 1/2 year old daughter joined me while I was getting dressed and informed me that she liked my butt and my “other” butt.
Youngest of 3, going down the diaper aisle.
Me: Carmen, when will you stop using diapers?
Carmen: (with a SMIRK) When you stop buying them for me.
Me: Done.
1 week later = potty trained child. With a smirk, still.
My 5 year old daughter and I played zombies. We walked around the house with our arms out, hers at a grown up’s waist height. We found daddy in the bathroom (yup, he doesn’t get privacy either) and droned “uuuuuuuuh” “weee waannt braiiiins.” Approaching him, it seemed only suiting for me to lower my arms to match hers as we moved to attack Daddy’s “brains”. Nothing like child’s play and grown up jokes meshing together perfectly
there was that one time I thought I was was going to have to explain anal sex to my five year old son. damn you NPR!
My daughter was an early prolific talker, prone to announcing things in public. The worst, however, is when we were grocery shopping when she was barely a year old, still bald, very much a baby. When we passed by the refrigerated beverages, she pulled the pacifier out of her mouth and said clearly, “Look Mommy, beer! Just like Daddy drinks!” Of course, we happened to be walking past two little old ladies who looked horrified.
Yesterday, after getting out of the shower, I was bending over to cut my toe nails, when my 3 year old son walks behind me and says:
“Mommy, you have a BIIIG BUTT!”
Gee, thanks…
My 4 year old pretty perfect little princess was with me in the store, behaving perfectly as always.
She saw a really obese person behind us, I cringed when I notice that SHE noticed and was staring, but kept on standing in line…
She then smiled and looked up at me and loudly said “THAT GUY ATE TOO MUCH … AND THEN HE WENT… **POOF!!!!***”
And instantly she took her arms that were at her side and jumped up opening her arms up wide to demonstrate le ‘poof’….
*facepalms*.
The time I hit my kid on the head with a frying pan
The time I took my 18month old son to the bathroom to change a poop diaper and someone left the nicest gift in an overflowing poo toilet, with poo water all over the floor, and my son (after being changed and cleaned of his own poo disaster) ran too fast across the floor, as I was washing my hands, and slipped and fell into the poo water. I cleaned him in the sink and took him naked to my car. Husband was waiting. “what did you do in there?!?” (we live in canada – it was cold and my son was wrapped in my jacket).
Does this scene replay in your nightmares? I think I would have PTSD if this happened. As it is, I think the soundtrack to my kids’ nightmares is my voice screeching “Don’t touch anything! Why are you rubbing yourself on the wall? Bathrooms are filthy! DON’T YOU DARE OPEN THE LITTLE “TRASHCAN” ON THE WALL!!!”
I just want to vote for the m&m story and the tampon at the country club story.
The time I went on the roof, and shut the window behind me to keep the dog from following me. Not only had I locked myself out of the house, but I was stuck on the roof. The two year old and 8 month old were inside crying and I was yelling for help.
I’d love for you to draw the story of how we taught my baby sister to poop on the potty. I grew up in a family of 8 so the story climaxes with mom, dad, and the 5 older kids all sitting around the edge of the tub taking turns pretending to poop (grunting, making the poop face, etc.) to encourage the little one who is actually on the potty. Also includes some fun conversation clips, “Yes honey I’m pretty sure Mickey Mouse poops on the potty too.”
that time when our first baby was born and he went 3 days without pooping. I was only 19 and his pediatrcian said it would be okay because constipation is normal in newborns. On the 4th day I went change babies diaper, it started out as a wet diaper. Then he farted. It was rocket poops all over the changing station, the wall next to the changing station, the floor by my feet, and the chair next to me.
We had a similar incident, but i was holding her in the shower. It was running dowm the shower curtain, I started laughing and calling for my husband. Because of course he needed to see it. In the process she got the opposite side of the tub too
Shopping @ the supermarket with my two year old.
A black guy doing the produce.
We pass him by and she waves at him and yells “Hi monkey!”
I apologized and run away pushing the cart fast, what makes her scream even higher, HI MONKEY!!! My 2 year old. The racist.
I am crying at this, I can’t stop laughing.
The definition of a mom shower versus dad shower.
Dad gets 45minutes of blissful freedom to wash every crevice.
If mom gets a shower it’s two minutes of frantic stank control.
Then joined by three year old who wants to point out jiggly parts, baby crawls in to pee on you and resist leaving. I can be more descriptive just a preview of my morning! I love your stuff too(shameful brown nose ing).
Sorry to say he probably isn’t just WASHING his crevices if you see what I mean! My husband goes for a “shower” very often, makes me lol when one of the kids is banging down the door screaming “let me in daddy I’m desperate”!!!!
My wife and were flying back from Barbados with our 22 month old. We just settled into our seats when my wife asks our daughter what she is eating. She shows us a half eaten mcnugget that she found under her seat. She has never been to McDonald’s and is a picky eater. Note to self keep kids off floor when flying.
After sweet morning cuddles with my three year old, he suddenly punches me in the face saying, “Welcome to my world – punch world!”. Holy smokes, did that baby just punch me in the face?! Then, after stumbling downstairs with both 3.5 & 1.5 year old boys, before I even have my coffee, 3 yr old says, “Wow! Your hair is crazy!” Now he’s talking about my hair and I’m not even caffeinated. Lastly, after breakfast, we all pile in the car to run errands and he refers to me as, “Larry the Driver” – all before 11am.
oh man…this is too funny
This is the best story ever, I’m laughing so hard I have tears steaming down my face! This one and the tampon country club are the best!
Hillarous who is Larry the driver???
My daughter is potty training comes out of her room “daddy I pooped! Hands him the underwear sans the poop. “come on daddy let’s go find it!”
Hide & seek poop lol Love it
My (then early 3 year old) son was in the process of being potty trained and had just taken a crap in his pull up. So it was my husbands turn to change him and during the cleaning process my son starts asking my husband questions like,
“daddy am I going to have big hands like you?”& my husbands replies ” “daddy am I going to have big feet like you?” husband replies “yes”. (This went on for a bout 5 or six different body parts), then “daddy am I going to have a big penis like you?” husband replies “yes”.
I thought I was going to fall off the couch from trying to hold in my laughter. Not sure how my husband kept it together.
When my 2.5 year old nephew decided to show my husband and I his penis randomly while visiting. Announcing that his penis was “red” and pulling his pants down simultaneously. He flashed us several times during our trip no matter our location. This terrified my husband which made it all the more funny!
the time my son ran up to an open picture book on the floor, jumped on it, slid off and looked incredibly disappointed. When I asked why he said he was trying to jump into the story
Awwwww!
Super Why leaves us with such disappointment!
Awww. We watched way too much Blue’s Clues. My kids were always trying to “skidoo” into their books. <3
WOW someone else has my name!!! Never ever seen that before. Do you pronouce it KERI? Or Seri? Mine is Keri short for Ker-dwen. (But it’s spelled Ceridwen)
My 2-year-old daughter came in the house with no diaper on, and a poopy butt. Hollered outside to the boys to find the diaper before the dog got it. At that very moment dog came running covered head to tail in daughter’s poop. Scene follows with garden hose, screaming children, and remote control tractor used to lure dog to garden hose without having to touch her.
now this sounds like my family!
My very verbal two year old had a book called “Moose’s Loose Tooth”, in which the main moose character sported the loose tooth sticking crooked out of his mouth. One day we were checking out at Walmart and the very sweet cashier had a snaggle tooth. My son looked at her in delight and announced, “You look like a moose!” I could not leave fast enough. (do a Google search of the book… you’ll see the horror).
My two year old daughter Alexa farted loudly. As she ran away laughing, I told her “Alexa!! You have to say ‘Excuse me!” She looks at me puzzled and says “My butt BURPED!??”
Ha ha!
Our three year old was having a meltdown and her dad carried her to her room. Our six year old then rushed to her little sister’s defense, launching into a lecture on how we were mean, horrible parents. In frustration, I said “you are probably going to criticize me everyday for the rest of my life…” She thought for a moment and replied “well, except Christmas morning.” I plan to wake up at 5 am every Christmas to take full advantage of this meager gift.
In 2010 I was taking my 8 month old baby to a weekly mom and baby group. A friend was holding a new baby (whose mother I did not know very well) in her lap on the floor and my baby was curiously crawling around on the floor. I noticed my baby’s mouth was close to new baby’s toes. My baby looked me straight in the eye and out of his mouth popped this new baby’s sixth, pink, dangling toe. For about two full seconds I thought my son had bitten off new baby’s littlest piggy.
Fin
So what was in his mouth then???
This story doesn’t make sense! And is way creepy.
The baby happened to be born with an extra pinky toe. I did not know this. My son was sucking on it because he thought it was a paci or something.
If I’m reading it right, the baby had a sixth toe that didn’t appear to be firmly attached (dangling appearance) — and when crawling baby let go of toe #6, leaving it exactly as he found it, the Mom thought that it had previously been attached normally, not dangling.
The marble, the bathtub, the 2nd son… Or as I like to call it.. “it sounded like someone shot my toilet with a bb gun”.. You know you’re interested.
Thanks to my two year old, our new baby (now almost 3 weeks old) was called “Dinosaur” by all the NICU nurses and doctors for his first night of life.
My hubby and I flew across the country with our 8 month old son, last summer when it was sticky-hot. I wasn’t expecting him to want to nurse (details why if you pick my story) but of course he did, and I didn’t have a cover and wasn’t wearing a nursing top. Soooo up the shirt went and my screaming baby quieted right down and nursed the entire flight. I really expected some dirty looks or suggestions that I cover up (no way, waaaay too hot) but everyone was super nice and bent over backwards to be awesome to me.
The time my 2 year old tried to breast feed her 1 week old little brother!
She told me ‘Baby eat boob now, milk time’ and got into the rocking chair with the nursing pillow. I told her she didn’t have boobs. she pulled down her top and said “they right here”. Then I told her only mommy makes milk but she wasn’t buying that. in the end I suggested she give him a bottle (even though my boobs were swelled up and leaking everywhere). she was quite delighted with that and happily gave her little brother a bottle.
That is so sweet!
My 14-month old daughter woke up early the other day. She called “Biiice!” for her brother, Bryce (4), but didn’t cry for me as she usually does. Suspicious, I walked into her room. She was covered in poop – feet, legs, torso, arms, hands, and face. The clean-up was a miraculous feat of teamwork by me and her papa.
my daughter (who is growing up among boys) wanted a penis so badly for one simple reason: to conveniently be able to urinate outside at any given time. however, after trying it, she came back to the house crying, pants soaking wet telling me that ‘its NOT fair that she doesn’t have a penis.’ i told her when she gets married, she’ll have a penis for the rest of her life.
We were at “mommy and me music” class and my two-year old, who was learning about body parts, declared to a quiet roomful of toddlers and parents, “Hey Mom! My binky looks like a penis!”
Contest: When my son was 2 he loved bread and butter, with a passion and ate it with almost every meal. We were at the grocery store and as we walked past the dairy section he spied a huge tub of margarine (you know, the yellow bucket). He excitedly began to shout and point, “Mommy, Mommy, REALLY BIG BUTT!” Needless to say the woman standing by the dairy case shot me the look of death and stomped off shaking her head. I gave up trying to calm his excitement and bought the giant tub of butt.
“Look at the fuzzy spider” says my 3-year-old. I look over and see my first born petting a bat. I am standing outside a grocery store with my 3-year-old and his little sister wondering how my extensive college education failed to cover what to do in this situation. I end up catching the bat in the waterproof “dirty clothes bag” from the diaper bag and taking it home. I figure my desire to have the bat tested for rabies exceeds that of whoever is working at the grocery store.
The time my mom explained to my 4 year old brother (adopted – that’s why he’s so young) that my infant son was a baby boy. “NOOOO!” Jonah shouted incredulously. “He’s a baby!” Apparently babies are gender neutral.
That time my daughter was diagnosed with autism at 2 years old and I finally gained an understanding of her quirks and what really makes her ticks. Fast forward a year and we come to that time when early intervention is really paying off, she is hugging classmates and talking in full, hilarious sentences and making up stories to go with her books. Example: “Oh, porcupine, you sad? Excuse me, porcupine, your stick… hurts. The sunshine says hi.”
This makes me so happy! Obviously the EI is paying off well!
This makes me smile.
when i finally had a chance to go out with my husband while grandma was watching the kids, my 3 year old saw me wearing a skirt for the first time (i guess): “mommy you are a princess”
Went to eat a few weekends ago. My daughter is (sort of) learning her colors was coloring and would randomly drop the purple crayon and would explain, “OH NO PURPLE GREEEEEN!” very…very loudly. And then would follow that up by quacking loudly…..and then start over again. She also spilled my water glass in my lap and another drink that night too. We were totally “that family.”
First U6 Soccer game for my little guy who is 4…and he comes running to the parent’s sideline with a question. “Mom, is there wrestling in soccer? (I shake my head no) Oh, only in football? (I kind of shake my head yes) but not the kind with flags? (all parents on the sidelines LOL and he runs back to his game which is still in full play ready to get the ball without wrestling!)
(2nd story) Same little guy who loves to wrestle and thinks perhaps he is a super hero destined to fight on a daily basis comes up to me at the park after I have witnessed one of his friends crying his eyes out in his mom’s arms. He has a confession. “That boy wanted to wrestle me, so I wrestled him, but he was better than me….so I decided to scratch his eyes out.” Mommy in her head (YOU DID WHAT???) and Mommy out loud (YOU DID WHAT???) are finally on the same page.
Omigosh. This cracks me up because I have totally been there. Once at a family thing we suddenly hear my nephew screeeeeaming. SIL runs to her kid, while mine kind of saunters down the stairs to me.
Me: What happened up there?
J: Well. You know Nikki? How he’s always pushing me? Like always always always shoving?
Me: Yessssss? (This is true. That kid totally had it coming.)
J: Well he pushed me AGAIN! So I boxed him.
(The horror. “Boxed” does not mean “Hit him once.” Boxed, in this context, would mean “treated my cousin’s head like a speed bag.” Who’s genius idea was it to let the three year old boy fall in love with Wii Boxing?)
Oldest daughter, Roxy, waiting in the kindergarten line with an apology letter in her hand.
Boy standing behind her: What’s that?
Roxy: I had to write a letter to Harout because I hit him.
Boy: You didn’t write me a letter when you hit me…
Note: she had to ask me how to spell ‘careful’ while writing it; the note consisted of the phrase ‘sorry I hit you, next time be more careful’ because she slammed the window of the kids’ play house on a boy’s fingers when he tried to come play house with her.
(***This happened 1 week after she got student of the month, lol. I think the teacher wanted to take it back!)
My very clumsy 2 year tended to get bruises, a lot. Once after introducing her head to the corner of the entertainment center and being quite banged up, we went for a trip to the grocery store pharmacy. After a long wait and her continously acting up I snapped at her to sit down and be quiet until we were done. She very LOUDLY replied “please don’t beat me mommy”… I kept waiting for CPS to show up all week.
When my youngest son was a baby, I could predict accurately when he would wake up and cry. It would happen when I would get into bed. I would lie down and slowly count down “5… 4… 3… 2…. 1….” “WAAAAAAHHHH!” It happened EVERY TIME – I think babies have a innate “Mom wants to go to sleep” alarm.
my daughter (who is growing up among boys) wanted a penis so badly for one simple reason: to conveniently be able to urinate outside at any given time. however, after trying it, she came back to the house crying, pants soaking wet telling me that ‘its NOT fair that she doesn’t have a penis.’ i told her when she gets married, she’ll have a penis – for the rest of her life.
My 6-year-old niece asked me where the first humans came from and was quite persistent in wanting an answer immediately (I tried to tell her to ask her parents later). Not wanting to offend her Catholic family members but also wanting to explain things clearly, I explained both religious beginning (Adam and Eve, God’s likeness and such) and evolution (monkeys, evolving, blah blah) as briefly as I could possibly manage. She was silent for a minute, and I thought, “oh, crap, wait until she tells her parents what I told her.” Then, she proceeded to tell me “Well, I’m pretty sure I’m part monkey, because I really like bananas.” Whatever you say, kid.
The time the puke fairy visited our house
The time when I turned into Katherine from C.S.I., following a trail of blood spatter from the bathroom, into my room, out of my room, down the hall and into my son’s room. There I found enough blood to convince me that he had slaughtered a lamb on his bed. (Just a wicked nosebleed, followed by a massive sneeze). Did I mention he was on the top bunk?
My son went to nap fully clothed and came out 1 HR later naked, telling me he wet the bed- which is not normal but does happen. However when I checked the bed it was dry because he peed in his water bottle instead. What surprised me was the poop on the floor and as I was cleaning that up he showed me the arwork he drew with the poop on his window. He’s 3 1/2, potty trained and can work the door- why not potty I don’t know! Sigh!
OMG I would KILL my son lol
Ollie, our 2yo, refused to get into his pajamas. As I was struggling to change him he screamed, “help! Policeman! Help! Policeman! Help!”
That is too hilarious!
Mummy is dressing. Miss 3 looks at her naked boobs, points to the left one and asks “Is that where the milk comes from for babies?” Mummy says yes. Miss 3 points to the right one and asks “And is that one apple juice?”
The time I was trying to get my workout spandex tank on, struggling because it’s super tight. And my 3yo son looks up at me with a very confused look on his face and says “mommy, that not working.” The same kid asked me how I got my “owie” while pointing to the wrinkles on my forehead. I can go on…
That time I took my 3 year old son to use the bathroom in a gas station. The lady in the stall next to us passed gas rather loudly. My son shouts “WHOA! What was that?!?!” I try to get him to be quiet and distract him, but it’s no use. Farts are clearly the most amusing thing to him.
That time I was flying, alone, with my 3 month old and 8 yr old. My 8 yr old waits until just before boarding for a potty emergency, of course leaving me to move both kids, two carry-ons and stroller/carseat contraption. We rush into the bathroom, she cant get the door to lock, long line, all sorts of awful airport stuff. That momma moment when you assure your child, “we all have the same parts…just potty!” As were leaving the bathroom, she waves and says “goodbye bathroom people!”
that time we got a dog. and then my 3 year old decided she was a dog, and still thinks she is, and it’s been going on for 10 months now and she goes around on all 4′s and barks and stuff. but that’s not even the best part, because she also landed herself in the ER form running around on all 4′s and face-planting on the hard wood floors. woof.
I am sooo glad to find another person who has a child that runs around on all 4′s.
My 6yr old pretends she is Bolt. She has been banned from being any animal after playtime in the morning at school as it has been so distracting. She has bowled an old woman over after running head first into her at the shops cause she wasn’t looking where she was going.
You can often hear me yelling” Can you walk like a Human!!!”
I’m glad my kid isn’t the only one who would rather be a dog than a human. She actually lost (literally lost, we couldn’t find it for the longest time) her first tooth when she was five because she was playing fetch by retrieving stuffed animals (thrown by her 7 year old cousin) with her mouth. She didn’t even notice her tooth came out. I saw it was missing when I was putting her to bed that night, and then of course a full-scale search had to be launched where the entire house was scoured for the miniscule tooth. It was eventually located on the floor of the hallway by the puppy herself, but she got to bed verrrry late that night.
When I went to pick up my kids from a friend who was babysitting them, my 3-year-old son didn’t want to leave (because he was hanging with his buddy). At one point in my many attempts to round him up to go home, I found them in the closet. They said they were eating chocolate – “MY chocolate”, according to my friend’s son (also 3-years-old). My son chimed in with “Yeah, but it’s SPICY chocolate!” Nope, not chocolate – bouillon cubes.
Phew! I thought you were going to say poop!
There was a time very recently when I almost drove away from soccer practice without my 6-year-old. He had gone to the port a potty; I thought I had everyone in the car until my older son started yelling, “We don’t have Devin!” At that moment, I stopped the car and looked in my rearview mirror, and sure enough, there was Devin running faster than I’ve ever seen him run before. Frankly, with how much my boys have been fighting. I’m a little surprised (but grateful )his brother alerted me to the fact that he wasn’t in the car.
I like this one. Most sustained laugh so far.
LOL!!!
The mental image of him chasing the car is the best
LOL I can’t stop laughing. My 8 month old is looking at me like I lost my marbles. Love love this one lol
When my oldest boys were potty training, it was VERY long and difficult. They had been “independent” with pee all week (yay it was winter, so lots pf clothes etc, deserves an attaboy!) so I went in to reward my son. He was standing peeing – IN THE FLOOR VENT. Upon further investigation he revealed he had been doing so all week. Logic: it was warm there (the hvac duct was full of old pee so in not sure how it took me that long to find it except that when you have bunches of little boys, and I have four, everything smells like pee all the time)
My boys have been listening to our music too much. Their favourite song is Hey Ladies by the Beastie Boys. When they see an elderly lady at the shops, the older one nudges the younger one who shouts on key ‘Hey ladies!’, then the older one says ‘let’s get fun-ky’.
I’ve been trying to teach my daughter about appropriate bathroom conversation. I don’t like taking her to the bathroom with me because she likes to do a running commentary. Anyway, I’m so glad it was a single stall bathroom in Wendy’s when she tried to point out “the top baby” and “the bottom baby” in my belly (there’s only ONE baby, I swear!). I corrected her. She then felt the need to ask “Then why is your butt so big?” I can laugh about it now. Sometimes. It’s been three weeks.
My (then) 8 month old ate dog poop. My husband comes running into the living room carrying her and yelling, “Omigod, is this dog poop in her mouth?”. Hilarity ensues.
When I was potty training my oldest child, my second was learning to crawl. After “going stinky” on his little potty chair, he ran off. I chased him down, cleaned him up, then walked in on my dear daughter eating his poop out of the potty chair.
Me: I’m hungry. What did you eat for dinner tonight Ollie?
Ollie: baba (his stuffed bear). You didn’t eat baba. Baba’s a bear. What did you eat for dinner? Mama. You ate mama for dinner? I dont think so. What did you eat for dinner? At this moment Ollie lunges for my leg and bites me, giggling hysterically…
My son has a sound, hee “buzzes” his lips, you know like what you would do for a trumpet. At any time, I can ask him for “his sound” and he does it, on que and while this is quirky, what’s really funny, is that he had his picture taken, while making his sound. THIS picture, taken by the local United Way, has been featured in their ad in the local newspaper for all the good they do in the world for poverty. Yep, my son, and his sound, is now the face for giving for the less fortunate.
My then 2 1/2 yr old twin nephews got into my Costco size box of Kotex, pulled off all the sticky tabs, covered each other with dozens of pads, then ran outside in front of the neighbors and their BBQ guests? (That one sentence speaks volumes doesn’t it?)
The moment when your child decides finally after all those 30 minute stake outs in the bathroom, puddles in public places, areas of your rug that will never smell the same…finally the moment comes of the first time they walk to the bathroom, pull down the pants, get on the pot, go and wipe ALL ON THEIR OWN! and they come running up to you (bare bottomed) and you cheer and dance and praise them! YAY!!!
then you step into the bathroom…entire roll of toilet paper all over and clogging the toilet, water everywhere well, you hope water, and poop on the wall and seat. yay.
That time when my family and I were visiting Phoenix and my husband had to go out of town on a business trip suddenly. I took the kids swimming in the backyard pool and the axe-murderer-foiling wooden dowel slipped down into the sliding door track and locked us out. In a strange city. Wearing nothing but bathing suits. In 110 degree weather. Surrounded by a 6′ tall fence with no gate. And did you get the part about the bathing suit? I had to heroically fling myself over the fence and go for help. In a bathing suit.
We are potty training out two year old and are at the phase where she will usually go potty in the toilet if she is not wearing any clothes. So this morning she is running around without pants on and all of a sudden I hear “mommy I potty on bed.” She had peed on our sheets and blankets so I strip the bed and run the sheets to our washer. As I am doing this, she runs outside (we usually lock our back door, but obviously not this morning) because as I walk out from putting laundry in, I hear a little voice pipe up “I poop in grass!” It was only 9am… We gave up on potty training for the day.
I was finally able to safely (or so I thought) go potty alone 5 weeks after baby boy #3 was born. Big brothers 1 and 2 come running in ‘see Mom, I told you he’d like Cocoa Puffs!’
convo w/Ollie: Can you catch a ball? Yes. Can you throw a ball? Yes. Can you juggle? Yes. Can you drive a car? Yes. Can you make a baby? Yes. Can you eat broccoli? No. No. No. No eat the broccoli!
Me and my toddler (he’s now almost two years old) took my cat “Little Man” to the vet when he got an ear infection. He loves that kitty (calls him “Hey Man”) and was overwhelmed with concern about the goings-on. When we left Little Man there to get his ear flushed and went to have lunch, he kept trying to pull me back inside, saying “No get Hey Man!” It was freaking adorable and very touching.
I was Christmas shopping in a swanky store, with my 8 month old son. My son wakes up, and I take him out of his stroller. A Canadian ‘quasi-celebrity’ who hosts a fashion TV show is shopping too, and comments on how cute my son is. As I thank her, I notice my arm is wet. Yep, my son had an explosive poop that is now all over my arm, his clothes and his stroller, and he chooses to do it in a facy store, in front of a celebrity commenting how cute he is!
That one time my sister picked up my then 1 year old son outside of Chipotle, suddenly screamed and almost dropped him… after I was all, “what in the world, why did you…” I saw the HUGE turd stuck to her fleece sleeve. Somehow it shot up the back of his pants and landed on her arm without leaving any evidence on his back, shirt, or pants. Miraculous if you ask me!
Oh blindly. This is a good one.
Miracle Turd!
^blimey
Darned spell-check.
At the playground, I told my 2 year old I had a big surprise for him. He was so excited, looked at me all wide-eyed, “what?!”, so I revealed that I had (finally) turned his carseat around. “Big boy carseat!” I reported, and he literally squealed with delight. He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the parking lot, I opened the back door and he excitedly jumped in… but he crawled right passed his newly-forward-facing carseat, and hopped into the front seat. “I big boy seat! I drive!”, as he grabbed the steering wheel.
Much hilarity (and much hysterically-disappointed-toddlering) ensued.
(I know you hate drawing car seats so I’ll come up with another one, too)
Oh Lordy. Reminds me of the time after Atilla had been allowed to sit in the driver’s seat. He’d walk confidently to the driver’s door, only to be disappointed when I insisted on his sitting in his car seat in the back.
Still, with the brakes on, it’s cheaper entertainment than one of those insert-coin machine thingamajigs.
Watch out for that. I once left my 2 year old terrorist in the driver’s seat for maybe 5 min while doing some carseat reconfiguring, and in that time he shoved several euros worth of change into my cd player. It was pretty awesome, especially after the cd player decided that pooping out the change was the MOST important thing, and continued to try and eject it even with the car off, thus destroying the battery. Awesome!
I left Target with my 2 daughters and headed to unload my things into the trunk of our mini-van. 5 year old Daughter #1 skipped around to the side and even opened the door to get in when I noticed the taillights weren’t blinking the way they do when you click the remote… I clicked the remote again before I realized IT WASN’T OUR VAN!!! I peeked around the side and saw Daughter #1 frozen in surprise, half in, half out of the mini-van, and staring at 3 little children inside and a mother hurrying to close the automatic door to keep us out. I apologized over and over in the short time that it took for the door to close completely, and Daughter and I learned to pay closer attention.
OH MAN!!!! This happened to my friend’s mom back when everyone had a dodge caravan…except she was able to drive the van that wasn’t hers home!!! She made her husband return it
My 3yo is obsessed with belly buttons. She asked me why we have belly buttons and I said it’s where you get your food when you are in Moms belly. Then she asked me how she cane out of the belly. So, I told her babies come out of vaginas to which she replies, “You mean your butt in the front?????!!!!” Ha-ha!
The time my (then) 3 year old told her preschool teacher she was fat. Teacher was offended and told me so. I had to remind teacher that she is, indeed, fat (pushing 250) and if she’s going to teach PRE SCHOOL she had better lighten up or lose significant amounts of weight.
Shoot… I don’t know if I want to submit that marble story.. or “where’d you get that gum” and where’d you get that gum (part deux) Gum strikes back”. Or “Hotdogs and Porn (a speech impediment story)”, I guess there’s plenty of stories to work with.
My 20 month old has decided that every cry has an easy solution: boobs. Baby brother cries, she looks at me and says boobahs. Dog whines, same solution, boobahs. The other day she saw me crying at some dumb commercial, boobahs mama. That would be a good trick!
That time my 11 month old son grabbed his poopy self while I was changing him. Then 5 minutes later, takes off his already-peed-in cloth diaper and puts it on his head. Then, as I’m rinsing out his poopy cloth diaper in the toilet, tries to play in the water. And lastly, when I pick up the poop stained, toilet washed diaper off the bathroom floor, he eats a cheerio that was underneath it. Boys are so gross and that all happened in the space of an hour.
That time my 20 month old nephew, who had been told five or six times to stay in bed, slowly (so very very slowly) appeared, sneaking his way across the living room backwards. He honestly thought if he was walking backwards we wouldn’t be able to see him.
May I introduce Oots #25.
I. Love. This.
There is nothing better than when your three-year-old realizes the joy of being able to count. We are at Dunkin Donuts (my favorite Saturday stop) to get my Pumpkin Ice coffee. I am holding my one-year-old so that she will not grab everything and the guy behind the counter asks my three-year-old if she wants a munchkin. She says yes and when he hands her the bag with three munchkins, I watch as she counts them and then her eyes become so wide they could bug out of her head. Pure joy.
That time when my (then) 5 year old convinced the babysitter to sit on a stool in the bathroom, while my son sat on her lap to puke.
Driving my four year old.
Out of the blue she says: when somebody yells at me or spanks me, I feel like saying “motherf…..!”. But I don’t.
I’ve taken bellydance classes for over a year now and in the last year I’ve become quite fond of the music and costumes. My boys have enjoyed the tunes and the coin belts right with me, especially my 3 year old son. One morning at 8am I hear him selecting certain music and my 6 year old son say: “Lukie, it’s TOO early for bellydance music” and Luke say “It’s never to early for bellydance!”
bellydancing mama here… LOVE this, he is so right! I can’t wait until I can take my 3 year old to teach class with me
I’m cooking dinner & my daughter Anna (3) asks for a piece of candy “to go with” the Popsicle she’s eating. I tell her no – she has to eat the “good” food I’m fixing for dinner so she can grow up to be big and strong. “Like Daddy,” she asks – and I tell her yes, like Daddy – eating sweets all the time will make her short and fat and tired and grumpy. “Like you,” she asks – and I am speechless. Then I say, “Yes, like me. Give me that Popsicle!”
A shelf bra full of his puke. There, that was practically only 5 *words*
That time my dramatic aunt and my 12-year-old cousin went through a GORGEOUS model home for fun. Aunt was taking diet pills that irritated her bowels, and she was hit with an episode, ran holding her butt to the nearest toilet, and emptied her bowels. Smell was awful through the entire house, cousin was mortified and loud, and she wiped herself with the model home pamphlets. No toilet paper, no plumbing! escaped as fast as they could!
It was Mother’s Day and my daughter was four and i was on the phone with my husband when I heard a door open and close. I didn’t think anything of it because she was starting to close doors behind her – her bedroom and the bathroom for example. The next thing I know is the doorbell rings and there is the neighbor from across the street returning my very naked daughter to the house. Apparently she decided to run around the front completely naked.
I worked a job where I did office work in a home based business and minded the small girl who lived there. She came down crying one day about baby and a nose. I tried to assure her that her doll could breathe without a nose…then looked down and saw the nose she had cut for the baby with her mother’s sewing scissors. For Christmas her doll got plastic surgery to remove the FrankenScars left by the scissors (ie a whole new doll because there was no fixing that one!)
We knew our 15 month old had a dirty diaper by the smells coming from the back seat, little did I know just what I was in for. She has a major, zoo-animal quality blow out all over her legs and car seat…with Cheerios stuck in it. Worst of all, I took her out of her seat without seeing the severity of the blow out and got it all over me too. I had to take all her clothes off in the texaco bathroom to wash her in the sink, and to top it off, I had to take my short off and attempt to wash the poop off while people came in and out of the bathroom. Yay road trips!!
First time parents here, baby is 3 weeks old. Changing poopy diaper and he farts except its wet and squirting. Reaction? Hysterical laughter, call hubby, cry “oh sh!t” laugh harder. It’s all over the walls, changing table, hubby’s shoe rack, dripping onto baseboard. I have some pics but illustrated and told by you would be so much better!
We knew our 15 month old had a dirty diaper by the smells coming from the back seat, little did I know just what I was in for. She has a major, zoo-animal quality blow out all over her legs and car seat…with Cheerios stuck in it. Worst of all, I took her out of her seat without seeing the severity of the blow out and got it all over me too. I had to take all her clothes off in the texaco bathroom to wash her in the sink, and to top it off, I had to take my shirt off and attempt to wash the poop off while people came in and out of the bathroom. Yay road trips!!
My son LOVES Angry Birds and I love asking him what the pigs do- which is crashing pigs. Why? Because he’s 4 and doesn’t have the English language down yet, so the “sh” in crashing is lost and it comes out “crapping pigs”. Yes, I get a laugh out of asking him, repeatedly, what the birds do to the pigs, and now it’s now my husband’s and I joke when something is really funny, we say “we crapped pigs”. See, I even got a Crappy story in there, lol!!
The other day my 2yrs son was air drying after his bath. He kept pulling on his scrotum asking what was in there. After repeated attempts of trying to explain testicles I finally told him they are his balls. That started a ten minute session of him trying to get the balls out so he could play with them.
I used to think I would do anything to save my daughter, even face zombies and bears. In the south we have giant man-eating FLYING cockroaches. Once, a giant roach came scurrying between us and instead of saving her, I ran screaming to the other end of the house. With arms flailing. Daughter totally abandoned.
Whenever I need to use feminine hygiene products I ask my daughter to leave the room because I need privacy. She thinks the products are called “privacy”. I learned this because when my husband asked her to leave the bathroom so he could have some privacy she quickly ran to the closet, retrieved a tampon and excitedly exclaimed “I have your privacy papa!”. I have never corrected her.
First time buying deodorant for my 10yo son, he picks up AXE super stinky. I said my son is not going to school smelling like a Gigolo. My 4 yo son yells at the top of his voice “I want to be a Gigolo!”
I had the baby this morning, messy and crying because he’s teething and he’s poopy. The city cuts the water and I subsequently run out of wipes. My husband finally takes the baby after lunch and they leave the house for a few hours so I can work. I sit down at my computer all excited that I finally have some time to work (rare these days). The city then cuts the power, everything goes dark and dead, like my computer, that I need to use for work
The time I discovered my then roughly 1 year old daughter eating the toilet block…..and not only a little taste and then eww this surely doesn’t taste nice, must have tasted like soap, but massive bites missing. Cue frantic phone call to the poison hotline, feeling like the worst parent ever. Lady on the other end laughing and telling me it will be alright, but she might bring up some bubbles. And yup, hiccupping bubble child is born.
I did not know that hiccuping bubbles was possible! Like Dopey on Snow White!
“They all just wanna be bubbles”
Flight of the Concords
Ben has spent all week carrying around a specific plastic hanger he named “Hookie.” A family friend asked why he was carrying around a hanger and he said, “It’s because I’m hilarious.” My in-laws came for a visit and bought him two new toys (like he didn’t have any toys), but Hookie is still going to bed with Ben each night.
How cute! My daughter does the same thing with an interlocking foam piece that looks like a comb. It’s name? Combie.
The 2 1/2 year old I nanny is fully potty trained and need to use the bathroom. Shortly after he walked into the bathroom I hear a whimper for help as he forgot to put the seat down before sitting down. I walked in to find him with both feet in the air, and his little naked body stuck in the toilet bowl with a confused and disgusted look on his face.
At 20, the post party clean up would include friends’ various articles of clothing left behind. At 40, it’s sorting out who forgot their reusable canvas shopping bags and toddler socks.
We fed baby ducks at the pond, saw several dogs and cats in the neighborhood, met a new friend at the playground, and what was the first thing my three-year old told his dad about our adventures? “Daddy, I peed on a tree at the playground!” Now he regularly asks, “Can we go to the playground so I can pee on a tree?”
The time my 2 year old daughter stopped to play with and elderly nun sitting on a bench outside the grocery store and my 3 year old son loudly said “Oh Jesus Christ, what is she doing now!?”
That time in the shower my daughter had a toy in each hand. After a small slip and fall and quick recovery she handed me one of those toys. Not actually a toy, it was a fresh poop.
My daughter shoved a crayon in our English bulldog’s ass so he could color with her.
Crappy Coloring
Lol
So, after bath time, Luke (2.5) is climbing up the ladder on the bunk bed(still naked) and Cayden (6) is under the ladder. All of a sudden we hear Cayden shout “Aaaahhhhh. He peed on my head!!!! He REALLY peed on my head!” Sure enough, potty training continues…
While my husband was in the shower and I was waiting for in-laws to arrive from out of town, I took a few moments to change my infant daughter’s diaper. During the change, she had an explosive poop that shot 5 feet and 180 degrees. Of course it was at that moment that my in-laws ring my cell to let me know they’re pulling up to the house. And now, as I run down to let them in with a naked poopy baby, I realize that poop had gotten on the phone before they called because now there is poop on my face.
That time our baby threw up directly into my husbands mouth and I refused to take said baby until I took a picture of it
OR
The time my daughters “cleaned” my bedroom by Pledging the wood floor, resulting in the most awesome, totally airborne, damn near back flip of all time- again, the victim was my husband.
I offered my 3 year old ham or turkey for dinner and he said, “Ham is turkey.” It had been a long day, so without thinking, I went into what animals we eat (with associated noises, for my demo to be clear) and when I got to hambe-ger-ger-ger and cow, I happened to glance up from my “Moooooo” to see a horrified expression on Lil Guy’s face.
May have inadvertently created a vegetarian.
My 2 year old son’s articulation isn’t so great. A few days ago he started yelling, “I drunk! I so drunk!” My husband and I were baffled and a little worried until we realized he was saying, “I’m strong! I so strong.” Then tonight we offered him a choice of pears or peaches. He replied, “Bitches! I wan some bitches!” My teenager says his little brother is ready to join a fraternity.
When my sister got married and we stayed in a hotel, my 3 year old wouldn’t settle down and go to bed. After she jumped on top of us for hours while we were trying to sleep we put her in her ‘Cars’ tent and tied the zipper together with dental floss so she couldn’t escape, watching the tent thrash around and her scream until she fell asleep. We now do this every time we travel with her.
I once shared one of my fears with my mother, I feared my youngest son and his poop. As with all fears voiced aloud, he made sure my nightmare became a reality. Once again speaking with my mom on the phone, my littlest one came to me with what my mind instantly said is ‘peanut butter’ on his hands saying “echhh echh mommy ecchhhh.” Turns out it was NOT Skippy Chunky. Diaper digging days had begone!
That time my son announced very loudly in the men section of the department store that his balls hurt from holding his pee too long. The mental high fives from the men were flying.
“Mum, what day will I die?” I don’t know it’s a surprise.
“Mum, when I die will I still be able to whistle?” Probably you can whistle in heaven.
“Mum, Does God whistle?” I don’t know, probably.
“God and I can whistle together”……whistles a tune.
Conversation with 6 yr old Daughter in Car. Beginning to dread car trips.
As a teenager, I had an infant brother. This brother loved naked time and pantyhose. He also loved escaping the house and running as fast as his little legs would carry him. Naked. With pantyhose on his head.
Me: Josie would you like for breakfast?
Josie (2 year old): *without hestitation* ICECREAM!!!
Me: You can’t have icecream for breakfast.
Josie: Hmmmmm (one hand on hip, finger to the lips) Icecream..on toast!
Apparently if it is on toast it counts as breakfast…
My daughter found out I was going to the dentist and excitedly asked me to tell him about her new tooth. I assured her I would. She exclaimed, “He is going to be SO excited!” When I asked why she replied, “Because he has a new tooth to take care of.”
3 year old has a terrible stomach flu (at about four in the morning) he does his business, and then leaps off the toilet..The leap caused a little to much strain.. he’s standing in the bathroom screaming “I’m x-ploding I’m xploding!! all ovah!!” I run in POO EVERYWHERE!!! literally all over the cabinet, wall and floor..he says all sweetly “a fawted a little”.. Gagging I yell for the husband. He comes running in with a scarf tied around his mouth gagging ..3yr old points “daddy poo ninja??”
I like this too. My husband has much to be grateful for.
Roommate and I both had 5 year old daughters, and no washer or dryer, so we trekked to the laundromat located very close to the Navy base. Girls play whilst we sort, wash, dry and then begin folding the clothes. Girls climb under the folding table and search thru roommate’s purse for gum. Moments later, raucous laughter fills the room, because girls have found roommate’s stash of condoms and are blowing them up like balloons. Sailors are VERY amused.
Enjoying some maple walnut ice cream after dinner, and I say to my daughter, “This is Vo-Vo’s (my dad) favorite kind of ice cream. Vo-Vo (my mom) used to buy it all the time for him.” My daughter says, “Because she USED TO BE nice?”
When my sister and I were little and would cry, Dad would say, “If you don’t hush, I’m going to punch you right in the face.” We knew that wasn’t true, so it would make us laugh and stop crying. You can guess what happened when I tried to apply this logic to other children – by repeating that phrase to a stranger’s baby in the department store.
*Ben is 3. Forgot that detail.
My 2-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter spent an entire morning re-enacting the scene where the Cat in the Hat unleashes Things One and Two on an unsuspecting house. I banished them to their beds for an early naptime and went looking for a sugar fix. Dumping the almost-empty gummy letters on the counter, I saw “Y”, “C”, “U”, and “K” and felt vindicated– it wasn’t just me, the gummy letters agreed it was a YUCK morning! Crumpling the bag on my way to the trash, I felt one last gummy hiding inside, and pulled out “L.”
Then I totally lost it and mom-sobbed, feeling ungrateful for not remembering I am so, so “LUCKY.”
aw I love that
My 21 month old daughter is fascinated by clothes right now, but prefers to wear things in unconventional ways. A few weeks ago we had an actual back and forth argument (not mad one, more laughing) about whether she had a shirt on her head or a hat. “No shirt mama, Hat!” (Even better when you picture her with Dora shoes, striped pj pants, no shirt and an evil little smile!)
story #2
The time I took the kids to the petting zoo and my daughter yelled at the rooster “hey you get off that chicken!” Than saw the donkey’s getting busy and told another innocent little girl that they were making eggs…busy day at the zoo
In the car on the way home from school I tell my girls 2 and 3 that my sister is going to have a baby. Silence, then a question from my oldest “when the baby is ready to come out, how does it get out.” After hesitation, I answer truthfully, “we’ll, honey, when a baby is ready to come out, it comes out of the mommys vagina”. A look of horror comes over her face, and after a super long 30 seconds she replies “you so silly mommy, babies come out of your belly button!” My husband and I answer in unison, “your are exactly right honey” deciding it was not time to really explain how it really works.
The time that I yelled in panic to my husband at a store where is our older son and frantically looking for him, while he was on my hip the whole time.
The time my husband took our 3 year old to a movie and when the “please go buy more soda” gigantic coke came on the screen she yelled “Look at all that beer!”. In an until then silent theater.
My daughter came home from Kindergarten yesterday with an enormous knee sized hole in her tights. When I asked her what happened she hid her face in my side and wouldn’t tell me. I finally got her to explain that there was just a little string hanging off the tights and she tried to pull it off….
That time my two year old daughter insisted on “pivacy”so she could poop and ended up sticking the top of her head in the toilet after said poop was done…
When I was 8 months pregnant with my daughter, we kept reading this book to my (verbose) 2.5 year old son about where babies come from. My husband took him to Walmart a few days later to buy some baby supplies and my son proceeded to tell the young innocent cashier “my mommy has a baby in her tummy, and soon it’s going to come out of her vagina and drink milk from her boobies”. I nearly died laughing when he told me.
Today at the thrift store, my 2 year old daughter sat down in the middle of the aisle, removed her dress, and proceeded to “breastfee” a baby doll that she found in one of the toy bins. She was so proud of herself too proudly announcing “Baby eat Boobie”
Today at the thrift store, my 2 year old daughter sat down in the middle of the aisle, removed her dress, and proceeded to “breastfeed” a baby doll that she found in one of the toy bins. She was so proud of herself too proudly announcing “Baby eat Boobie”
That time that we were waiting in a crowded restaurant waiting for a table with my friends 2 sons and they were talking about their love for Percy the train. Only it sounds a lot more like pussy.
Only to get better when I have a son of my own. Filled waiting room and he is going on and on about my hubby’s big black truck. Only it sounds like big black cock.
We were at the YMCA pool in July, and a lady was in the changing area breastfeeding her little one. My 3 year old asked me “Mama, whats da baby doing?” and I told her “Baby is eating! That’s how some babies eat.” and she innocently looked at me, looked at the baby, looked back and said “The baby’s getting mac & cheese out da boobies?” When I said “That’s how you used to eat”, she proceeded to say “No, I no eat mac and cheese out of da boobies. I no eat boobies!”
That is so cute!!!
I once had to change our infant daughter’s diaper at a military function; and got to the bathroom and noticed I was out of diapers, wipes and a change of clothes. Long story short? I used everything I could find in the bathroom and random stuff in the bag: toilet paper, receiving blankets, paper towels, maxipad and a hair scrunchi.
“and a scrunchie” HAHAHAHA
Haha so McGyver!
A few years ago I found my then 3 year old peeing into my sinus rinse bottle. I have no idea what gave him the idea. The bottle was replaced; no amount of cleaning would erase that image.
When my oldest was a newborn I was changing her diaper on the changing table. I grabbed her ankles and pushed her little knees up to her chest to clean her up and a magnificent fountain of poo erupted out of her backside. It arced in front of my face, cleared the basket at the end of the changing table, and landed in the laundry hamper sitting next to it. I was awestruck. Beware the poo of a breastfed baby!
OR!
This summer has been the absolute worst ever for us. It started with my youngest in and out of the ER with croup, then my 5 year old daughter broke her arm at the family reunion, my 3 year old son shoved a popcorn kernel up his nose and required sedation to remove it, and THEN my youngest wrapped up the summer by falling in the living room floor and knocking out three of his front teeth. He’ll be two in a couple weeks. I demand a re-do!!
I heard a “bzzz. bzzzz. bzzzz.” sound and turned to find my then-three-year-old son with his Daddy’s cordless drill trying his best to drill holes in the wall. “Carter! What are you doing?” “Puttin holes in da wall.” “WHY? Why would you do that?!” “Jesus tole me to.” “That’s not Jesus, baby…don’t listen to those voices!”
That time I was at the dollar bins at Target, near the womens restroom with my newly potty trained two year old, when he asked the woman who came out if she wiped her ‘gina. I was frozen. She told him yes she did and that she washed her hands too. He high five her, I remained frozen and bright red.
I love it when strangers can roll with it! I want to high five her too!
My son (5 at the time) and I were eating lunch at a restaurant, when he decided to ask me, “Mom, how did I get in your tummy long ago before I was born?”
The clever ‘hippie’ I thought I was responded, “Well, your dad and I planted a seed in my belly, and you grew like a sunflower.”
Mind you, everyone around us was beginning to take interest in this conversation, as my son processed this information and then prodded, “But how did the seed get in there?”
A few moments of silence transpired before my son finally shouted, “Ohhhhh, momma, you SWALLOWED it, right?!”
Roars of laughter erupted around us, as I simply responded, “Ummmm…let’s just finish our burritos and go, buddy, okay.”
Fantastic
That time my newly walking 11 month old was airing out after a big poop, and left safely unsupervised for a moment so I could take care of the diaper. I walked up to the baby gate just as she pooped, again, on the floor. She panicked, stepped in it, ran a few feet then fell in it. She was inconsolible and I was in shock. I had to nurse little shitheals.
That one time EVERYDAY when I try to clean up and my darling kids have super duper mamas cleaning senses and decide to help regardless of weather or not They are so entranced in something else that when I announce I’m cleaning they don’t even move! God forbid the days I try to do something beyond the standard stuff like cleaning fridges or windows or ovens. Sometimes I think life would be easier if I lived in filth!!
my little spent a long stretch of time in the hospital (intubated and sedated) this past winter. my big came to stay with me at the rmh and spent time hanging out in the room with me as well. during rounds with my little’s cardiologist (and the doctory crew of fellows, residents, and interns who round in this hospital) one morning, everyone stops talking to watch my big (who was watching some yo gabba gabba on netflix) breastfeed her baby doll for them.
Just wanted to say hello to another heart mom. Sounds like we had similar stories. Hope little one is doing well!
The time I went to get my baby’s 8 week old immunisations with my two year old in tow. Injection, baby crying, two year old crying because baby crying while I juggled baby, two year old, pram, snacks, and water. Settled baby with breastfeed and two year old with colouring in and sultanas. Recently toilet trained two year old says he has a poo feeling. Unlatch baby who starts crying again, abandon pram, snacks and colouring in (whilst yelling over my shoulder to a mum I didn’t know if she could please keep an eye on our stuff), run two year old to toilet and have to lay baby down on filthy floor to wipe two year old’s bum and help him reach the taps and soap.
My husband tried to teach my 16 month daughter to use a microphone at a charity event. He didn’t succeed at the event, but she now regularly uses the diaper sprayer as a microphone. Unfortunately, she also knows how to turn the valve on and doesn’t always turn it off before playing announcer.
The time we took our then 2 year old to see Santa and asked what she would ask him for and she told us “cheeseburgers, butterflies, and Baby Ryan.” I was pregnant with her brother at the time.
Daughter used to have tiny imaginary friends called “the guys” that fit into her pocket and went everywhere with her. One day, while playing next door, her little friend got frustrated with my daughter over something and “ate” the guys. Took all my mommy strength to say with a straight face “Spit out the guys now!”…and hand them back to my daughter.
That time I brought my then 7 year old son into the bathroom at Target and while I was in the stall he yelled to me “We shouldn’t shop here this place is a rip off! They charge 25 cents for napkins! Who would be dumb enough to pay that when the paper towels are free!?” “Why is everyone laughing?!”
We were at church with my kids, and it was dead quiet after everyone drinks the “wine” at communion, and my daughter says, “Is it good?”
You could do a whole post of Sh#$ kids say at church.
15 month old CJ, newly walking and notsomuch speaking, discovers the water fountain at the playground and it instantly becomes favorite-toy-numero-uno. “That’s enough with the water fountain”, mom and dad say, “go play!”. CJ disagrees, wants more water/mess. Parents shuffle him towards jungle gym (do we still call it that?!) and 15 month old stops them to say, “look, MOON!”, pointing at the sky (did I mention, it’s like 2pm? Bright, sunny day?) so Mom and Dad look up, and CJ turns around and BOLTS to water fountain.
funny, smart kid!
One Saturday, my husband, our mildly ill 2 year old and I piled in the car to go to target. On the way, suddenly my husband (who was driving) starts frantically rifling through the glove box. He grabs out a trash bag and vomits in it several times. Fast forward to the end of our target visit as we are returning to the car, our son turning green, I dumped the contents of a shopping bag on the garage floor and he vomited into the empty bag. I was proud of my guys for being such neat pukers but we stayed home the rest of he day.
Ella (4) and Wren(1) were having a grand old time running around a busy playground when Ella froze in the legs crossed, hands grabbing crotch position with a look of terror on her face. I scooped her up and sprinted for the bathroom, getting peed on for my troubles and had to strip her out of her one-piece shorts ensemble. While she is standing naked in the disgusting park bathroom I run back to the playground just in time to see the 1 year old poised at the top of the tallest, steepest slide I have seen in this city while all the other moms watched helpfully from several feet away. After putting her safely on the ground I put the 4 year old back in her pee soaked clothes and run to the car to see if there is any spare clothing. We ended the afternoon with a picnic in the park, Ella wearing only a pair of very small pants.
And outside the 5 sentence limit – The amazing acoustics of the park bathroom meant that all of the other kids and mothers on the playground got an earful of me haranguing my 4 year old for her accident.
My daughter loves to help my husband work in the yard with him and her big brother. When she was about 3 I hollered out to the three of them to come in and wash up for dinner. She screamed at the top of her not so little lungs back at me, “I can’t Mommy, I’m outsie picking up LOTS of BIG *icks!” (Substitute D for the letters ST). My then 10 year old son nearly fell over and peed his pants he was laughing so hard. I’m fairly certain the whole block heard her judging by the smirks I got the next day from a few neighbors.
This contest was the best idea ever! Love all the stories. I’m torn between 2 of my own but we’ll go with this.
That time we were at the store at the deli counter & my 2yr old starts saying quite loudly, “Look MOMMY! It’s a WITCH!!” while pointing to another lady at the deli counter. I’m frantically trying to get him to be quiet & shush him but he just keeps on. In his defense she totally looked like a witch lol.
I really like Margaret Hamilton. The best witch Ever!
It is 6 Am in the morning and my 5 year old storms into our room declaring we are playing I spy… (WHATEVER) she pulls the blankets down to lay down in the middle and away we play… ( half awake) when she decides it is mama’s turn I say “I spy with my 2 own eyes something squishy”… (Of course Im thinking about the pillow !!) so… dad goes first “the blanket” I said no! then it is Sofia’s turn… she looks around very carefully until finally she stares at me then she screams I know!!! “MAMMA’S BELLY”
Woke up to happy baby in his crib…. he was playing with poop that leaked thru his diaper and pjs. After giving baby a bath and stripping the bed I walked down two flights of stairs to the put the poopy sheets in the washer. The last step was a massive pile of dog puke that I proceeded to slip ‘n slide in. Landed flat on my back, puke underneath me and poopy sheets on top of me. Laugh or cry… I laughed!
6 months pregnant, at a family party, slipped some water on my shirt/shorts. My 4 year old niece says Omg did your water break? Is the baby coming??
*slipped*
Omb damn kindle *spilled*
we decided to take a family trip to Sams club – me, husband, & 4 kids (one an infant). Husband has to use the restroom shortly after we get there, so I am pushing 2yr old in the cart and ask my 11yr-old to push baby in the stroller until daddy comes back. We stop for some samples (yummy!) and then proceed around the corner to the next aisle. Then I hear “Ma’am? Is this your baby?” -in my head “holy sh**, is she talking to me?!?” My 11yr old (easily distracted by shiny objects, air, pretty much anything, really) left the stroller (and baby!) in the previous aisle.
After bathtime my (then) 2 year old was standing naked in the middle of the living room staring at the TV, brushing her teeth. She then stuck the toothbrush into her butt crack, gave it a good scrub, and promptly popped it back into her mouth!
oh hilarious..
Took the kids with us mattress shopping. Youngest was recently in pull-ups and potty-training. Big brother and little sister had fun checking out the mattresses until LS pooped in her pull-up so bad it leaked out of her outfit… And she wiped it on a mattress in the store… Right before closing time.
My 1.5 year old daughter was checking our her new potty, in the nude. I take twenty seconds to throw clothes into the dryer and return to find my cutie peeing in the dishwasher! She and I both find this hilarious, and head to her bathroom for cleanup. We return to the kitchen and discover our lovely canine excitedly cleaning up the mess:)
Me to then 8 year old son: “Clean up the dog poop in the back yard so your dad can mow the lawn.” Hour later the kid still hadn’t done his chore, claiming he doesn’t know how, so he gets a lesson using the pooper-scooper and is told he can”t come in until the poop’s picked up.30 min later he’s at the back door screaming through sobs, “we learned in 1st grade (sniff) that everyone deserves food….water….and shelter…(sob) so I should be able to come inside.”
And I replied “here’s your water, you get shelter and food when the pops picked up.”
Woke up to happy baby in his crib…. he was playing with poop that leaked thru his diaper and pjs. After giving baby a bath and stripping the bed I walked down two flights of stairs to the put the poopy sheets in the washer. The last step was a massive pile of dog puke that I proceeded to slip ‘n slide in. Landed flat on my back, puke underneath me and poopy sheets on top of me. Laugh or cry… I choose to laugh!
How about the day of my two year old’s birthday party where no one showed up followed by a power outage, one red lantern, then the house catching in fire?
True story.
Oh no, that’s awful!
When my son was brand new his Dad was changing his diaper taking a long time putting on a new one. I said “Cargill that he doesn’t pee on you.” As he was saying “he’s never peed on me” my son started to pee. Before a drop could get on him my boyfriend aimed my son’s penis at me and said “see, never pees on me” as I got covered in pee.
And there was the time my son (3) peed on a bush shaped like Mickey Mouse at Disney World. *sigh*
When i was in labor the tv was on i have always loved tv i cant sleep at night without it. Well it came time to push and CNN was on with some big story and instead of watching me push the doctor and husband where watching CNN, then im informed by the nurse that i just pooped. (Arnt they supposed to not talk about that?) I’m literally pushing out a 9lb baby the miracle of freaking life our first born and CNN is more interesting
That time we taught our little EK to call her lady parts her “tutu”. Not a great idea for future ballerinas.
We are currently packing up house to move. Things are everywhere as I am trying to organize boxes etc when all of a sudden my daughter comes to me smiling, pointing to her nose. ‘Look Mommy, hehe’ I look and there is an orange bead stuck up my daughter’s nose. A trip to the doctors and I officially dislike the colour orange…and beads.
When my son was about a year old, he liked to take everything out of my wallet. One day I turned around to find him taking out the dollar bills, one by one, and throwing them in the trash. I didn’t expect him to start throwing money away at such a young age!
That time when our oldest was just two years old and we lived in a rural neighborhood. Dad’s outside mowing lawn and supervising 2 year old playing on enclosed back porch. I’m just inside the back door when I hear her calling, “Puppy! Puppy!” A glance out the door shows my daughter smiling and trying to pet a huge hairy brown tarantula that’s obviously not a puppy and obviously not in a mood to be petted as it’s rearing up its two front legs at her chubby little toddler hands…. *full body shudder*
That time my husband farted and my two-year-old pulled open the back of his shorts to check his “diaper” for poop.
Okay, I have a couple good ones.
#1. “Here, mommy.” I reach out my hand and take what my son has offered. There is poop in my hand. A few weeks later: My sister in law is visiting me with her children. Her baby is holding something. She thinks it’s food: “Oh, yes. You can eat that honey.” It’s not food. It’s poop (different new poop, not the same poop. That I already cleaned up).
#2. My son is topless before bed; my 1 year old daughter attempts (and somewhat succeeds…there is suction) to nurse him. We explain to my son how only mommies have milk. Cut to a few minutes later: “I don’t want to be a daddy when I grow up anymore; I want to be a mommy.” We question why. The answer is thus: “So I can give baby Violet boob.”
Okay, so I went over the sentence limit a bit. But did you see how I tried to correct it with semi-colons? Did you see? Semi-colons are awesome.
I had just turned 6 and after an unknown length of time, I crawled out of bed and decided to sneak into my parents room. I was hiding under their bed (while they were doing it no doubt) and thought it was be so fun to frighten them by jumping up and screaming, “surprise!”. After the awkward noises subsided, I jumped up to reveal myself just as my dad was walking to their bathroom (oh how sneaky I thought I was) and absolutely startled them. The following day, my dad must have been recounting the story to his two friends Because the next 15 seconds went something like this: Dad, “blah blah blah sex”…friend, “blah blah blah”…dad, “don’t worry, she doesn’t know what that means”, me, “yes I do, it’s what you and mommy were doing last night”. Doh!
I was on the phone with my Aunt many years ago, who has a son (4) and a daughter (2). The girl had been asking for weeks why she had a vagina instead of a penis, and my Aunt tried to explain it was because she’s a girl, like mommy. Anyhow, so we’re on the phone and my Aunt is giving the kids a bath together, and she is sitting just outside the bathroom door folding laundry when we hear: (boy)”Maybe it’s inside” and (girl)”Help me look for it!” Needless to say, my Aunt dropped the phone and rushed into the bathroom to stop them!
I am laying down in kids’ room at bedtime with them and everything is quiet – I toot and say “excuse me”. My son 6.5 is in his upper bunk and says “That was a toot? I thought it was daddy saying my name – Coop” – and he repeated his name in a low toot tone “Coop”
when my daughter was just a few months old, she woke during the night. Exhausted, I asked my husband to go change her diaper, and bring her into our bed so I could nurse her back to sleep. After about 20+ minutes, he finally showed up with her. When I asked what took him so long he explained that when he opened her diaper to change it, she sneezed and poop shot out all over the changing table and the adjacent wall and down the front of her dresser. Whew! I dodged a bullet on that one! LOL
How about learning your toddler can lock doors as you are standing outside your house, without shoes, armed only with a baby monitor because your baby is upstairs sleeping and can’t open the front door. Totally freaked out and had to run down street to borrow a neighbors phone to call 911. Fire truck came, sirens blaring, ready to bust open my front door, just before fireman asked me if any windows open/unlocked. Bathroom was! I was so embarrassed, but my toddler couldn’t stop taking photos of the fire truck – he thought it was awesome!
That’s a lot to draw huh?
When my brother started kindergarten he decided to take his new cowboy boots for show and tell. My grandfather who purchased them for him is a hardcore redneck. My parents got a call to pick him up from school, as they didn’t feel his new ‘shit kickers’ were an appropriate show and tell item. Thanks grumps!
My 4-year-old son really wants a sibling (we are pregnant now, thank goodness. But before we did get pregnant, he would walk up to me, hand on hip, and say in a very demanding way, “Mom? When are you going to go get some sperm?”
dd: mom, here, look.
(I look at it really close, poke it with my finger, can’t tell what it is) me: okay… thanks.
dd: I find it in my butt butt. I have stuff up there! I’m gonna find more stuff – maybe food!
If only she didn’t like being naked so much…
That time I asked my son to stop playing with my hair and go to sleep and he said but mommy I can’t find the booger!
That time my husband was drawing a bath for our son while I was using the toilet and our son peed on the floor and ran out. We could hear him running around laughing then ran back into the bathroom, slipped on his own puddle of pee and fell flat on his back. I laughed so hard I couldn’t poop!
At my daughter’s daycare Christmas concert when all the other kids were singing ‘Jingle Bells’ she was screaming ‘WILSON! WILSON COME BACK!!!’
Night before last, my husband was reading a book about a baby’s growth in the womb to our 4-year-old son. Our son says to my husband, “Dad? I want to dress up as a uterus for Halloween.”
That time when I took 3 year old son (who refuses to potty train) to 6 year olds tennis practice and 3 year old had a diarrhea blowout and I didnt have a diaper or wipes. Cue poop hilarity.
My brother at the ripe old age of five or so walked up to a manequin in a department store which was clad in nylons, which he loved the feel of when my mom wore them. Much to my mother’s horror (and the entertainment of nearby shoppers) he ran his hand down the leg of a nylon clad manequin saying ‘oh baby, baby’ to the beat of salt n pepa whom I’d recently discovered and played regularly at the sitters.
My daughter, 3, was looking at her vagina and asked me “What’s in there?” – so I answered “Parts that make you a girl”, and she says, excitedly, “Like princess dresses, and wands, and crowns?!?” After laughing, I say, “No, parts that grow babies” and she replies “Babies and wands?!?”
That time I asked my child-less sister and her fiancé to watch the boys (ages 2 & 5) for a couple hours. They let my oldest pee outside…at the neighborhood playground…where there are no trees to hide behind…and it’s next to the main road.
It seems the way momma gets new electronics is only after getting puked on and then accidentally washing said electronic in the wash (you’d think I’d remember after several times). The best was when baby/semi-toddler was making weird cooing sounds, so I turned to her to ask what was wrong – mid-sentence she produced a torrential flood of vomit that covered her and me from head to toe, even flowing down the stairs a bit, and yeah, my mouth was open. Stripped us both down while the neighbor watched, so as to not spread the insanity, threw everything (but the baby) in the wash, and then wondered what the loud clunking was coming from the washer. Bye bye iPhone.
That time I asked my husband to get the kids ready for synagogue:
me: ‘Honey, can you get the kids ready for synagogue?’
him: ‘Yep!’
30 minutes later, holding hands with the rabbi in a big circle talking about the cycle of life or some such thing, I look down – Theo’s shirt reads ‘I Love Bacon”
Hahahaha!
Tarantula story part two: that time after we moved from the rural house into the city where there are NO tarantulas and a friend’s child comes to our house to be babysat. Friend’s child takes nap in daughter’s bed (the same daughter who used to like “puppies” at two who is now 6) and without our knowledge leaves a big plastic fake tarantula under the covers- cause THAT’S what she sleeps with during naps at HER house- which daughter finds later at bed time causing frantic screaming from daughter and uber-careful planning from parents who ultimately decide that the tarantula we must’ve brought with us from the stupid rural house needs to be killed with a shovel from the yard.
My (very newly potty trained) 3-year-old announced he had to go poop, and insisted that he needed privacy (what’s that??) I was excited at his skill level and his independence – I must be doing something right! I return to find that he has emptied an almost full container of (non-flushable) wipes into the toilet. I fished them all out using kabob sticks – because they could be thrown away.
I was trying to get my 5 year-old son to figure out what D-O-G spelled. “What does that spell?” “I don’t know, bum?” This followed by insane giggles from both him and my three-year-old son, who kept repeating what he thought I said: “What is that smell?” To which my five-year-old replied: “Bum!”
Boys.
The time our 3 year old called a homeless person a scary monster to their face…
When my two youngest sons were preschool ages (probably pushing four and five), my husband was “watching them” while I was at work. We lived in a two-story home and they boy’s bedroom was two doors down from my husband’s office. My husband was at his computer when he happened to look out the window and found our middle-child (an adorable freckled red-head) staring back at him from the outside. Our “Monkey-Boy” had knocked out the window screen, climbed out to the tiled roof/ledge under his window, up and over the middle ledge which was shaped like an upside-down V, to end at the ledge outside the office window. My husband freaked out and ran down the hall to the boys room to find our youngest already out the window (monkey see; monkey do) and the other child making his way back. We never expected a nickname to go so far…
One evening while I was getting ready for bed, I was standing in the bathroom about to brush my teeth and I noticed there was a ton of toilet paper in the toilet bowl. It had clearly been in the water for awhile and looked like it had been pulverized in some way. As I was putting the toothpaste on my toothbrush, my son walked in and I asked him what had happened. With a big smile on his face he informed me he had made toilet paper soup and used my toothbrush as the “spoon” to mix it with. I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful for someone’s honesty than I was at that moment!
18 month old wanted to have a snack too close to dinner, so I asked him if he wanted to read a book to distract him. Early signs were good- he left the fridge and came over to me. Then he took the book (He LOVES to read) and promptly threw it in the trash. Back to the fridge!
Joys of being pregnant: I was putting laundry away and my husband says “what’s that?” I say “Uh…my underwear.” He says “Oh. I thought it was your t-shirt.” Eff me.
Adventures at Swimming lessons with a 2 year old: First she got into the pool and said “Uh, oh. It’s wet.” Then, after the lesson, I shut us in the cubicle to change she said “Mummy’s scary.” Followed up by “Uh oh. Mummy’s very scary,” once I had my clothes off.
The time our 3 year old thought it wOuld be a tasty idea to lick the raw chicken package… Awesome
The time my 3yo and 7yo nieces were staying with us and I left my hubby in charge for literally 4 minutes. Returned to find my 2yo son had fallen on the hard wood stairs and in the process knocked over the 3yo niece who knocked out a tooth. 7yo sister was mildly hysterical and my 5yo son kept coming in the kitchen saying he was hungry. Everyone was fine, though I thought the open space in her mouth seemed too big for one tooth, so sent the kids back to look and sure enough, they found a second tooth on the steps! Not the call you want to make to your SIL! :}
Before we had triplets we thought people with multiples who anchored their furniture to walls were morons. (We had a 2 y.o. for crying out loud.) Then the triplets played “Japanese Motel” with a dresser.
We were so excited to move into our new home, which had a fenced in yard, because our 18-month-old son was really into playing outdoors and he used to run down the street when we put him in our old non-fenced-in, tiny yard. We carefully purchased and set up equipment, gates, etc to block off the outdoor stairs to the basement and other gaps in the fencing, so that our son could in theory play outdoors with less supervision (i.e. someone could walk inside for 30 seconds at a time to grab water, etc). We stocked the yard with interesting toys. Well, within 2 or so weeks, he could scale the fence, and that was the most interesting thing to do. So much for that plan.
I wanted a house with a small grassy area, so our yet-to-be kid could run about. Turns out he doesn’t much like grass…
What we call the “$2400 birthday party” for my 5-year old. Giant party in a blow-up jumpy place, spared no expense, and every single classmate came (invited them all). Add one cat with a passion for eating ribbon (even though we were hypervigilant about getting it out of the house). The helium balloon (we’d paid extra so every kid could take one home) sank during the night, and kitty chewed/ate that ribbon. Next day emergency vet surgery to the tune of $2400, and birthday girl crying because her pet might die.
2 stories two entries
That time when my three year old son said lox enough for an entire parking lot full of people “Mommy that lady no know how to talk! ” as we pass by someone having a conversation in Spanish with someone on their cel.
or…
how I deeply I love naptime and you will experience my wrath if you are a. a teenager setting off fireworks on September 9 or any other non-4thofJuly day b. a police helicopter circling c. a gardener who doesn’t. get their chit done before 1pm in Arizona d.a spring or summer breaker of any form having a water balloon fight in the street.
Haha, just yesterday I lay back on my bed to read my book for a few minutes… fell asleep, and when I woke up the kids were giving themselves a bath!
I was exhausted one afternoon and my 4 year old wouldn’t take his nap. I finally said, ‘OK, fine, I’ll take a nap then, you take care of your brother, feed him in an hour.’ (Baby brother was about 4 months old at the time and we all knew I wasn’t really going to get a nap.) The 4 year old says, ‘Mommy, I can’t feed the baby, I don’t have breasts.’
I laugh a little n the inside every time he says the word ‘breasts.’
I lived in Belgium during my freshman year of high school and we had a nice tour bus as our school bus. One day I got off the bus after flirting the entire ride with an American guy I had a crush on. I was waving/smiling towards the bus (him) as I walked to the big garage door which I assumed was up because my sister had gone ahead of me. It was only halfway up and I waked straight into it and was knocked flat on my back. When I finally sat up everyone including the non-English speaking bus driver was laughing their asses off at me as they drove off.
We were in a Chinese restaurant once and our baby was fussy, so my husband passed her to me over the table and she puked in his rice.
Literacy night at my 4th grader’s school, and had to take the 4-year old boy. He had been so, so good . . . but, at the end while sitting in the gym with all the other parents, he roots through my purse while I’m not looking and pulls out a tampon. “What is it mommy? WHAT IS IT?” as he waves it around. He thought it was a snack and was trying to unwrap it to eat.
My 3 year old son and 2 year old daughter were in the bath. My son says “I have a penis and she has angina with TWO butts!!”
The time my husband went out of town three weeks after I had our 3rd child and I decided I was o.k. with taking our other two (aged 4 and 2) to their swimming lessons at the YMCA. If that wasn’t bad enough in and of itself (imagine trying to get them both changed and in the pool while nursing a screaming infant) we played on the giant three level indoor play structure afterwards, during which time my 2 yr old got lost in the play structure, my 4 yr old had a massive diarrhea-in-pants-explosion on the play structure and I had to leave the screaming infant in the stroller, unsupervised in a giant public area to climb up and save the 2 and 4 year old…..and oh yah, while doing so I got lost in the play structure too.
That time my son accidentally ate poop because he thought it was a “purple nerd”.
I have learned that in our house, when a child is quiet in another room, he/she is not napping; rather, he/she is DEFINATLELY up to something:
One day, my son (2 at the time), was playing in his room, when I had noticed after a few minutes it was rather quiet in there.
Poor ignorant momma is thinking, “Awwww…he must have fallen asleep,” so I tiptoe toward the door and open it cautiously, to find that he had quietly taken his poopy diaper off only to use the poo as a fantastic art medium all over the walls.
Striped, washed head-to-toe and dressed, he finally lulls to sleep in my arms, in an untimely fashion, leaving dried stink-poo art for me to now clean.
As I began to clean the walls with ungoddly amounts of bleach and water, I stepped back to “check out his handy work,” only to find that he had gobbed a large chunk of poo on the wall and smashed a play-doh shark cookie-cutter into it…voila!
My son was born vaginally in an hour from first contraction to hello baby. He was about five minutes old, still complete with umbilical cord, when my husband said, “Well, that was easy. You’re just a water slide. We should have another.”
I took my 2 month old daughter to her check up and while sitting in the waiting room my 3 year old daughter decided to introduce her to the full waiting room. “this is my baby sister and she drinks breast milk…from my moms boobs!” then added,”one day im gonna have boobs full of milk too”.
That time when my then two year old was in the “Me do” phase and just HAD to dress himself. He started saying “I do it! I do it!! DONT do it!! I’M DO EEEETT!!!!!” But then got himself hopelessly tangled up in his pants… his arms were in one leg, and his legs were in the other, with the pants doing the splits straight up and down.
One morning while my two year old was “playing” the piano (it’s an electronic keyboard with pre-programmed songs) and dancing to the music, he repeatedly asked me to dance. I told him that I was and shook my hands and head some to show how I was grooving with him. He continued to ask, putting his hands on his hips and saying again, “Dance, Mommy! Shake yo booties!” (Yes, that is booties, plural.)
The time my daughter found a tampon in the toilet while I was in the shower and was relieved when I told her it in fact was not a “bomb” (stick of dynamite), that was going to blow her off the potty.
2 year old sitting on the couch watching tv after waking up from a nap diaperless. He exclaims: “Mom, there’s poop on the wall!”, so I ask him to show me. He brings me upstairs and points to his bedroom, where I smelled poop, but didn’t see any . . . then I look up, only to see a huge clump of poop on the ceiling above his bed, and in between the blades of the ceiling fan (That was on high speed!). Still have no clue as to how it got there. I sent my husband upstairs and waited for his reaction once he, too, spotted the poop!
The time when we were driving home in the car after the fair eating cotton candy, and I was trying to tell my four year old daughter she couldn’t eat too much because it’s not healthy, and she said, yes or else you get fat like Mommy. Daddy got really upset and made her apologize, but I didn’t really care, I am a little round and she is just saying what she sees. Still, I later had a conversation with her about how everyone is nice and it doesn’t really matter what people look like, how everyone is different sizes and it would be really boring if everyone looked the same. Next day driving around…she says “Daddy, Mommy is a NICE fat person.”
My daughter got dressed one morning in a shirt with sparkles. When she realized this, she announced her name was now Sparkle. That was nearly 6 months ago and she introduces herself as “I’m Sparkle, I used to be L, but I changed my name.” I’d be okay with it, except she refuses to go by her baby nickname of Boo, and Sparkle doesn’t rhyme with nearly as many words.
The time I ran to the basement to throw a load of laundry in the washer and heard the 3yo son outside. I knew I had left him upstairs wearing nothing but a smile. Ran faster than the devil out the back door to find him standing, completely naked, at the end of the driveway yelling, “MOMMA WHERE ARE YOU!!!” The office workers who take walks on their breaks in our neighborhood were highly amused as were the sewer treatment guys working on the corner.
That time I had the pleasure of cramming 3 kids into a bathroom stall at the grocery store for my 4 year old’s pee pee emergency. Would have been fine if the old lady next to us wasn’t having her own sort of emergency. Which the kids would not stop commentating on. My two year old involved a song. My ten month old exhibited perfectly timed raspberries.
My four-year-old has a bit of a sweet tooth, much like her daddy. One evening, while having dessert popsicles (and by dessert popsicles, I do not mean creamsicles, I mean, popsicles for dessert), she asked me if I remembered another time when we were out of popsicles. She continued asking who I thought might have eaten all the popsicles…perhaps it was Daddy, I offered. (Daddy protested his innocence.) She finished by saying, “No, I think it was you, Daddy. I think you said, ‘Oink, oink’ and then all the popsicles were gone.”
I decided my 18month old was ready for the next size up in nappies. We went shopping, i left her with her Dad and i went to the other side of the store. I hear “Sophie HELP HELP!” and i went running. Her nappy fell off and she was holding up her dress running around laughing…!
Also, you should just do a segment on explaining menstruation and the various apparatus to kids. If you’ve managed to avoid those talks because boys….*snicker* sorry, I can’t keep a straight face.
That time my daughter pretended to pick her noise and eat her booger while I was diving and watching her in the rear view mirror.
I have a 15 mo old and 4 week old. My toddler has been acting out since the new baby came home. She woke from her nap one day, and i went to the nursery to get her carrying and patting the new baby. Found her without her diaper on, covered in poo that apparently doubles as paint (on her and everything she could reach. I set the baby down on the attached changing table to get wipes to clean the toddler and the crib. When I got back up, the toddler was patting the baby like momma does…with her poo covered hands.
The time my 3yr old came home from preschool and VERY excitedly told me he had something special for me that had been saving ALL day. He the dug DEEP, I mean DEEP, into his underwear to pull it out. Will I ruin it if I told you what it was? And how I proudly displayed it when we got home????
We grilled shrimp one night for dinner, and I gave my 3-year-old son a little bowl of them as an appetizer in front of the TV. He chewed up three of them, spit them into his hand, and stuffed them into his 4-month-old baby sister’s mouth because “That’s what I saw on TV! Mommy birds chew up food for their baby birds! Babies can only eat chewed up food!”
Random bird flies in house, caught by cat, rescued by me (mom) and proceeds to bite me. Two year old daughter is now traumatized and repeats over and over, “Bird bite mommy? Mommy ok?” To be continued…
The time I was washing dishes and heard my then-three-year-old call out, “Mama! I finally solved the mystery of my butt!” Confused, I walk into the bathroom to find him sitting on the potty seat, poop on his fingers. “There’s a hole in it! That’s how the poop comes out!”
The day I was driving with my then 3 yr old son and he asked about the sun/earth. I launch into a LONG answer about gravity, orbit, rotation, etc etc and pat myself on back for having such grown up discussions with my kid. Look back to see him lost in deep thought out window and I’m so proud, I ask him if he’s thinking about rotation, etc and he says, ‘no, I’m thinking about the foo fighters.’
rock n roll-1, science-0
My 5 yr old daughter Zakyla: “I don’t like my name anymore.” Friend: “Ok, so what name do you like?” Zakyla: “Rock Star!!!!”
First outing with newborn in tow, my hubby and I go to target and Baby has BIGGEST blowout diaper ever (think poop exploding out ALL sides and of course she’s in her carseat). First time changing a diaper in public and wind up using half a pack of wipes with moms looking in horror at the mess I was trying to clean up). Hubby calling me to ask if I’m ok (no, I’m not ok! I’ll be out when she’s clean). Finally clean baby, clean carseat, clothes in garbage (no way to salvage them) I go out to rejoin hubby and finish shopping he asks if I have more wipes. He winds up wiping poops off my chest and out of my hair
When I gave birth to my son 10 months ago, my hubby was convinced we were having a girl. We talked about girl names the whole time I was in labor. When I gave birth, no one bothered to tell me what the gender was right away; every dr. and med student on the floor were gaping at my son’s unusually short 6-inch umbilical cord. My sleep-deprived hubby, however, eventually said in a surprised voice, “Oh! You DO have a cannoli….”
My 2yo saw my husband nude (normal in our house), and announced that “Daddy have a peanut.” “Sam have a peanut too.” (Sam is her 9 month old brother) “Daddy have a BIG peanut!”. Daddy was pretty happy about that!
HA!
OH!! I just remembered my other story!!
I am a mother of three lovely boys, aged 1, 3, and 7… naturally I am a very tired person. Anyways, I had just dropped my oldest off at school and had come home to watch some cartoons with the younger two, only to fall asleep in the middle of Dinosaur Train. I swear I was only sleeping for about 5 minutes (each episode is only 10 minutes long, and it was still on the same one that I had fallen asleep to), and he had gotten out of his diaper, and was smacking me on the face with the contents of said diaper. My lovely husband walked down to this from our room, and instead of helping me, he said “Got pretty shit-faced this morning didnt’cha?”…. I threw the diaper at his head, but we look back and laugh about it now.
The “he” being my youngest who was about 9 months old at the time
When my niece was a toddler she co-slept with my sister. My sister was woken in the middle of the night by a chubby little hand slapping her face and my niece said “momma! Stop making piggy noises!” . Another night the same week she was again awoken and my niece was pushing my sister’s face trying to turn her head while she yelled “Momma! Stop blowing your stink on me!”
I was pregnant & sick with #2 so I left #1 (2 yrs) watching a movie while i lay down. I heard a mysterious *thunk* but didn’t think anything of it until everything was scarily silent. I went to see and found my son had knocked over the tub containing 5 lbs of brown sugar onto the floor. He looked up and said “Hi Mama, I’m making sandcastles….(licks hands)…DELICIOUS sandcastles.”
In line at the grocery store…older gentleman behind us in line. My 1st daughter (2ish at the time), looks at me, then pats her bum and says, “I have a cute butt!” Cue stares of shock from line and crimson glow from mommy.
Uhm. I guess I’m going to have to cut down how often I say I love my boy’s beautiful butt.
After lunch I released my 18 month old son to go play in the den – where he played quietly and nicely. I noticed that I smelled poop so I went to go change him. However, when I picked him up I realized he was not the one who pooped. The cat had crapped on the floor (and baby found it first) and he proceed to not only smear it on himself, and his toys, but he also smashed it into my carpet.
After taking my PJs off in my room and walking to my ensuite to jump in the shower, I was scratching the side of my butt. I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror and noticed just how much my wobbly bits were wobbling. My 4 year old starts laughing hysterically, and I turned to look at him. He suddenly stands tall and very seriously states ‘I wasn’t laughing at YOUR bum!’
The WHOLE family has gathered at a Chinese restaurant. As we are waiting for our food we begin a lively conversation about who is what zodiac sign from the placemat. My daughter having just recently learned to read decides to wait for a lull in the conversation to ask very LOUDLY, “Is there a Cock in our family!?!”
Crappily picture this… Infant girl, 2 year old boy with blonde Lyle Lovett hair, geriatric (16) dog with muppet fur and big fox ears, 2 exhausted 4O something parents. One night – girl cries incessantly, boy pukes all over living room… Right after geriatric bat-dog’s bowels let loose in same living room on cream colored carpet (brilliant choice of PREVIOUS owners). Exhausted parents steam cleaning crappy carpet at 2 am… Look at each other in disbelief that this is their life… Shake their heads… Then laugh. Because we had to laugh. It was tragically funny!
That time I had to help my hysterical six year old leave a urine specimen at the doctor’s office while my baby unraveled the toilet paper and tried to eat it. I was sans husband of course. Did I mention my back was spasming? It took FIVE tries and I was so relieved I didn’t care when she peed all over my arm.
I think you should describe any story where my husband watches the kids alone. I’ll just post two… He taught 2 year old how to throw ball at his head to be funny; this was followed by my son throwing balls at children’s heads at Gymboree. He taught him how to head butt daddy. Then he proceeded to head butt his 6 month old brother. I’ve got a million of those
The time my two boys woke up super early to paint the light beige carpet with red, black and dark purple acrylic paint and sprinkled it with a brand new box of sugar in the raw and a new bag of powdered sugar.
My son 3 distracted me while loading dish washer,my baby ate like those dawn pocket pack thingys. He puked, I freaked put him in shower cleaned him up and then called poison control. They say all good, one year old meanwhile squats and poops. Clean that and go to clean up puke, three year old comes to see what’s up, and sees/smells it all and apparently has a good gag reflex and pukes too. Mommy quits.
My son (11) was in our bathroom and found a condom – unused, in wrapper – just awkward, not gross. This is why we have him use the guest bathroom, I have no idea how it got out of the cupboard since we were not using them anyway (keep reading). Anyway, he asks “what’s this?” and I mumble through an explanation bravely using the words “have sex” AND “don’t want to have babies”. He took one look at my rounded 6 month pregnant belly and remarked “they don’t work very good, eh?” and walked out of the room. Not a great safe-sex education moment.
It is a great abstinence education moment though. LOL.
One day I go downstairs (I was changing the baby) and notice my three year old daughter is wearing a different shirt (backwards of course) than she was a minute ago. I ask her what happened to her old shirt, and she says “oh, it had blood all over it.” Turns out she had a nose bleed.
My daughter was the flower girl at a wedding this summer. I was running around helping the bride and the bridesmaids get ready so someone else helped my four year old get dressed. We all hop into the car and drive to the ceremony site, my daughter then has to go to the bathroom, so I took her and to the toilet and she lifts her giant skirt and hops on. It takes me a minute to realize she did not have to stop to pull down her underwear first because she isn’t wearing any… as the flower girl at a wedding. :p
That time my toddler insisted on wearing his sister’s too big for him, pink with smiley faced “suns” all over it bike helmet all day. When I had to go to work in a retail store (he always went to work with me). I wore him on my back in a carrier, through a nap and customers commenting left and right, with the helmet on because when we tried to take it off once he was asleep he woke up screaming. And then when my husband picked him up later that afternoon because I was closing the store that night, he took said bike helmet wearing toddler to the grocery store. I still laugh about it all.
There is a huge fancy moving popcorn display in front of our local mall’s movie theater that our 2 1/2 year old son loves to stop and look at whenever we’re at the mall as a family. So when asked by my sweet old grandmother what was his favorite thing to do this summer he excitedly answered “I like to go see Cop Porn at the movies with my Daddy!”
The cop porn mispronunciation goes beyond leading the elderly to an early grave… He also loves to play dress up like fire fighters and police man WHILE making us his pretend Cop Porn… I hope he never gets it right!
When my son had a nappy explosion in the public library, poo went everywhere – including on me. I ended up having to wash him and my t-shirt in the sink of the public toilet across the road. I decided to just throw his clothes in the trash (it was THAT bad) but didn’t have a spare shirt for myself so I had to walk home in a wet shirt to change. The look of horror on some poor girls face when she came to use the bathroom was priceless, me half naked, naked baby in the sink, poo everywhere, she turned straight around and ran for the door!
From my husband’s childhood: his grandma was babysitting him, and his dad called to check and see how things were going. “Oh, little Mark seems to have a cold, so I gave him some penecillin” (her husband was a doctor – she had LOTS of odd things just about the house). “Mom, don’t you know Mark is allergic to penecillin?”
In the background: “Gramma Gramma I have itchy spots AAAAAAAAAALL over!” Some things never change.
There was also that time when I discovered a blog called Parenting. Illustrated with crappy pictures. My first blog was the Gift – kids giving boogers, spew, poo and spider-guys to their mum. I laughed so hard at every picture, I’d have to calm down before I could read the next one. My husband and son came home mid blog reading and heard my hysteria from the garage and they raced inside thinking I was violently crying! My poor little boy couldn’t even look at me – I think he was a little scared!
The time I walked into my bedroom after having a shower and my 4 year old daughter said to me “why are you wearing a brown furry handbag?”. That one REALLY made me LMAO.
Love your blog, Crappy Momma!
I was having the worst day ever-crappy mommy moments, kids were monsters, and it was that time of the month (said in a hushed voice) so I told the hubby that all I wanted was to take a quiet bath & read my book but I didn’t want my 6yr old daughter to sneak in. He promised to guard the door so I snuck in there. It was perfect, great bubbles, good book & my Glee CD playing. I had just reached the perfect level of relaxation when the door creaked open-I prayed it was the dog but, alas, it was the kid. She gets an excited look on her face even as I was telling her “NO! Where is your father?” She was already half undressed as she was saying please. I relented, she got in but made me laugh so hard my bad mood was gone. Hubby shows up 5 mins later asking if I knew where the kid was.
When my sisters and I were kids (apprx ages 4-7) we fought over who got to sit by Dad when he got home from work. One day, Dad jokingly said,”Geesh you guys are hanging around me like poop flies,” to which the baby sister replied, “yeah – you’re the poop and we’re the flies”… Dad laughed so hard and we joined in the laughter. We still remember that moment fondly, 30 years later.
And mind you, the baby wasn’t TRYING to be funny, it was one of those innocent comments little ones make
I entered the living room to find my youngest son had rolled over to our cat and was using his tail as a teething ring. He was really nawing on it. The look on the cats face was priceless.
My four-year-old daughter’s take on the next “Curious George” sequel. It involves bad guys, guns, and not as many monkeys as you’d think.
During ‘naptime’ I found my 2 year old in the walk in pantry helping herself to a juice box & fruit snacks located up on the 3rd shelf. How did she reach it, you ask? Innovation- she pulled over the ice chest, stacked on her child sized chair and voila! A throne fit for any snack queen!!
When I was little, I had a pet leaf named Holey-Moley and I used to carry him around as I chased birds in our yard. My mom thought I was trying to feed the leaf to the birds, but really, I was convinced that Holey-Moley ate birds, so I was trying to feed them to him. Mom didn’t find out the truth until I was 19.
I was online after teaching tonight, in my locked office, chatting with my girls on FaceTime, while pumping to multitask. The door to my office started to open as I yelled come back please, then louder, I’m pumping! His English is rusty. Long story short, I flashed the janitor (well as much as you can flash with flanges) and he ran away leaving the door open.
Need to work on 3yo DD’s Hide-n-Seek skills. Not only does she hide in plain sight (like, under a clear plastic bucket, or sitting up under a bedsheet), but she TELLS me where she’s hiding, and giggles the whole time. “Find me, Mommy, find me! I’m going to hide in this bucket! FIND ME! Heeheehee!”
Here’s what my three year old says after a bath one night:
Griff to me: mom, what are these things right here?
Me to G: those are your testicles. Some guys call them balls.
G to me: oh. Can I take them off? ( gestures to his Area)
Me to G: you want to take off your penis and testicles?!
G to Me: ( gasp!) not my penis! He’s my best friend. Those other guys…
That time I told my daughter she was getting a time-out for pouring a sippy cup of water all over my table .She proclaimed “stupid mommy!” funny now, not so much then. So I took her in the kitchen and being as thrilled as I was took the time-out chair and slammed it on the floor. Too bad it caught and slammed on my toe … breaking it. Guess I am stupid
So boy and girl were playing pirates on their ship (the big couch). Well, Boy said if I came on his ship, I’d have to walk the plank
and that I’d be eaten by the crocodiles 
I said I’d stay on my own ship (the other couch). Then Girl yells…”The crocodiles are coming”…and then “My Lovies” (which are on the floor) She then jumps in after them. (what Boy would have feed his own mother to the crocodiles and Girl risked life and limb to save, her Lovies.)
My youngest son’s favorite song as a toddler was the hymn “there’s a great day coming”. Trips to Walmart were very awkward for a while. Picture me, pushing a shopping cart with a 4 yob and 2 yob, the 2 yo singing at the top of his lungs (because he knows no other way to sing) the chorus: “are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready for the judgement day?” We got some strange looks, but we did get the aisle to ourselves.
1. Hubby took Daughter (5 years old) for lunch at a sit-down type restauraunt. While paying for the check, Waitress comments to Daughter, “My, what a beautiful little girl you are!” Daughter comes back with a full blown trucker belch. She quickly and ever so sweetly said, “Excuse me!”, but the damage was done.
2.While yanking out snarls of out same 5 year old’s hair, I hear her say, “JESUS!” under her breathe. Unsure, I asked her to repeat what she said, “Jesus!” I asked one more time just to confirm before I spewed an un-necessary lecture. She innocently folded her hands, as if to pray, and looked up into my face and said, “Jesus, you know the guy Grandma is always talking about?”
That time we are house sitting for friends. I almost pee my pants trying to change my 8th month old son’s diapers so i left in my husbands care with no diaper. While peeing my huband starts screamming. I find him holding my so by one arm and leg with poop all over my son and my friendss radio and floor.
The Christmas present that our four-year-old wanted from Santa. That she neglected to mention to us until the night before Christmas. That my husband made a late night dash out to Target to buy. That ended up being the scariest Christmas present ever.
I vote for this one! The world must know about the scary Christmas present.
Two-year-old told 300 times to quit harassing the cat. On the 301st “reminder” to leave the damn cat alone, said child flies slo-mo across the room and, WWF-style, lands on top of the poor kitty…who then proceeds to spray the wall, my legs, and the witch child with poop water.
If I hadn’t seen it myself I wouldn’t have believed it. Think the cat won that round.
My 7 year old comes to me and says she’d like to talk about the lockdown at her school that happened that day (promise we live in a nice area!). So, I explain to her that a high school boy robbed a local coffee stand and was arrested going back into the school. After a few questions about why and how, she finally says, “well, his parents must be so sad he made that choice.” This is one proud momma; so much so that my next thought is ‘are we done yet, so I can post this on Facebook?!?’
I was pregnant with my third and bought a onsie to announce what the sex of the baby was to my family. My daughter opened the bag and pulled out the little shirt that said Little Brother. She screamed and cried and cursed the world. She said she didn’t want another little brother and it wasn’t fair, she wanted a sister and thought I should be able to do something about it.
When I was little and my mom told me she was having a boy, I told her I didn’t need another one of those because I already had a brother
That time in the groccery store when my daughter very excitedly grabs me and yells “Look mommy it’s the grumpy old troll!!!” I turn around to see a very elderly man with a very long beard. I didn’t have the heart to tell her Dora characters arn’t real
Day 2 after my prem daughter was born by emergency c-cection. A man smiled at me in the hospital corridor as i walked up to the NICU with the milk i’d just expressed. I thought it was because I looked hot in my new expensive maternity gown and huge milk engorged breasts. It was because in my sleep deprived morphine induced state I had forgotten to put my boob away after expressing.
I just laughed out loud. You poor thing. How embarrassing.
I didn’t even realize until I got back to my room. I must have had a lot of morphine on board to think I looked hot 2 days after a c-section.
Our 3 year old daughter wanders into the bathroom while Daddy is in the shower and quickly comes running back out yelling for me in the other room “Hurry Mommy, Daddy had an accident in the shower!”
I race to the glass shower to find my confused and guilty looking husband peeing in the shower. I catch my breath from running and then laughing long enough to make sure that I use this opportunity to put to rest my pet peeve of him peeing in the darn shower! Who does he think has to clean that?!
Hubby and I are laid out with a tummy bug- too sick to drive the girls (3.5 and 17 mos) to daycare. Hours of Sprout while mommy “supervised” from the couch. Apparently I dozed off and on, and my girls covered me with a blankie, took my temp with their Dr kit, brought Mr all their dollies, and made me cheerios soup. Then, ShareBear made BellyBoo lunch to share and woke me up with kisses. Mommy fail, but maybe I’m doing *something* right.
My 4 yo daughter is very intersted in food and often is asking questions about what we eat and why we eat it. Such as, I am hungry, can I eat our pet chicken? Do we eat people? Cats? Only tofu (toad food) seems to disgust her.
The time we were washing the outside of the car and my 3yo son runs up, dripping washcloth in hand, yelling “Hey Mom! I cleaned up the dirty hooker for ya!” Seems that is otherwise known as the trailer hitch. Hubby and I praised him mightily for his thorough and diligent work, once we regained our composure.
Story 1:
Sitting on the porch playing “We are Young” on my iPhone and listening to my 5.5 year old and 2 year old sing the song in chorus. “Tonigghhhttt! WE ARE YOUNG!”
Story 2:
My 2 year old’s idea of a conversation:
Little Miss No-No: “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy?”
Me: “Yes, how may I help”,
Little Miss No-No: “Watcha dowin’?”
Me: “Driving”,
Little Miss No-No: “Whhhyyy”,
Me: “To get you to school”,
Little Miss No-No: “Whhhhyyyy”,
Me: “Because, that’s what we do in the mornings.”,
Little Miss No-No: “Whhhhhyyyyy, Mommy, MILK, pweeese!”
Me: “I don’t have any milk.”
Little Miss No-No: “Oh, it’s dawk in hewe.”…
My head hurts.
I’d just gotten used to the shoe drama: 3 socks under rain boots, flip flops or extreme bribery. Now, it was panties. After a day of wearing panties hiked up to her armpits (Urkel-style), she was standing pants-less in the living room screaming bloody murder at me. No more than half an hour later, the baby was shoving a pile of rejected panties down the front of my shirt while the four year old had her pajama cape, giant socks, and light up shoes on (and nothing else). She was a super-hero saving us from the peril of I don’t know what.
Pregnant, with a history of giving birth spontaneously at 30 weeks. I now have a weekly progesterone shot that a friend of mine (a nurse) injects in my butt once a week. She is heading out on vacation, so is teaching my husband how to do the injection, which means me laying on a bed while my friend and husband draw lines all over my exposed buttcheek with a sharpie and repeatedly dig their fingers into the fleshy part of my butt. I was laughing so hard was in tears.
My daughter looked at Daddy and realized that his body looked beat up. She told me that “Daddy needs to be put in a rest home since he is so tired”
The 2-yr-old I recently babysat had been told 300 times to quit harassing the cat. On the 301st “reminder” to leave the dang cat alone, said child flies slo-mo across the room and, WWF-style, lands on top of the poor kitty…who proceeds to spray the wall, my legs, and witch child with poop water.
If I hadn’t seen it I wouldn’t have believed it. At least the cat won that round.
We’re shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my wedding, and my cousin’s (matron of honor) little 3-year-old – the flower girl – announces to the sales associate: “This (points to her baby brother) is my brudder Casey. Him gots peanuts.” *awkward pause while she turns to look at her mother* “Us got ‘ginas, huh mom?”
In a hurry on vacation dressed nice for wedding. Son is hungry, we buy a bagel BLT, try to feed son, “I dont want mayo!” Husband wipes mayo off getting it all over car. Small amount of mayo left on bacon, “I love mayo, give it back!” Then we both looked at each other and said, “this could be a crappypictures”.
At a “family” New Year’s party (we’re on the West Coast, so we do the East coast countdown with the kids). Anyhow, the parents were chatting and someone says something was, “insane.”
My music loving son, age three at the time, was walking by at that moment and starts singing, “Insane in the Membrane! Insane in the brain! It’s insane! Got no brain!”
That was the moment my husband decided that perhaps he shouldn’t teach our son every song he loves.
While on a shopping trip to Hobby Lobby, I let my four-year-old son push his newborn baby brother in the stroller (I blame sleep deprivation from my brilliant decision-making) since I was pushing my two-year-old son in the shopping cart. As I’m checking out, I see my eldest son take off running toward the doors, pushing the stroller as fast as he can, then suddenly STOP and LET GO! Images of the baby stroller careening into the craft megastore’s parking lot flashed before my eyes. I froze, paralyzed with the massive weight of my horrific parenting skills, as the stroller rammed into the sliding doors and BOUNCED back, safely, inside the store and away from oncoming speed-bump-paced traffic. When I was finally able to move again and rescue my youngest progeny (and give dagger-eyes to the oldest), I discovered that the baby (I kid you not) was still asleep.
The time that my 3 year old daughter declared that she never wanted to get married because her infant brother managed to pee in her mouth. I think it was because – to her, babies come from marriage and she was having NO more of the insanity.
1. We were at a new friend’s birthday party, and my son got cheeto fingers. He then went to the bathroom and apparently got cheetos on his penis. When he came back outside, he went to the bounce house. Another kid showed my son his cheeto fingers so my son tried to pull out his penis to show him HIS cheeto piece. My husband and I at the same time yelled “NO!” so he put it away.
2. What ended out second attempt at potty training was my son coming to me while in the shower telling me he peed his pants. I leaned out of the shower to take off his pants and underwear so he would be dry until I finished. I pulled them down and poop fell out all over the floor. I jumped out of the shower dripping wet and naked and my son ran off, stepping in the poop and making poop footprints to the bedroom.
The time my 3 year old daughter yelled in a walmart bathroom (yes ppl were in there) BIG GASP “Mommy, you have dirty panties”. COuldn’t get out fast enough. Thank you aunt flow.
Oh gosh – my son did that to me too when he saw the pad. “MOMMY MADE STINKIES IN HER UNDERWEAR!” at full volume. Of course the bathroom was jam-packed. I tried to die right then and there.
exactly. I’ll never let her in the stall when Aunt Flow is in town, if I don’t have to. EVER. I’m not really looking forward to my son growing up.
Kids and I are at the foodstore when weird dude with no idea about personal space sneaks up behind me in the check out line. Suddenly my five year old son yells, at the top of his not so little lungs, “Quit sniffing my Mom!!” Sure enough, that’s what the weird dude was doing but he ran like his butt was on fire when my son defended me.
In discussing the difference between boys and girls with my oldest son, I told him mommies don’t have a penis. In a very sincere voice he asked me, “So do you just have a big hole?” Yes son, that’s exactly what mommy has.
Our dog Jinx licked our 3 year old boy on the forehead. He laughed and said “I think Jinx wants to have a baby.”
my then 3 year old son was in my bedroom as I was getting dressed he walked around me and around me looked up and said “Mom where’s your pee pee?” I said “Oh girls don’t have a pee pee like boys” so he stood there for a minute in deep deep thought about 3 minutes went by and then he exclaimed “but everyone has a hiney!”
Boy-girl twin, just potty trained, so no diapers on. Went to the allotment garden, in the back to pick some fruits (we had to pass trough a ‘wood’ of other plants. The first has to pee, walk back, all clothes of, pee, walk to the fruits, second has to pee … walk, clothes, pee, walk, … first has to pee again! So in the end, the peed twice both en they had to poo once. NOt much fruit to take home.
The time my daughter found a tampon in my purse, asked what it was, and clearly failed to follow my long-winded, uncomfortable, totally TMI monolog about the female reproductive system.
The night my husband was at work and toddler pooéd in the bath. THEN I discovered the week old (green) chicken necks that the dog had hidden in the dirty wash pile, had gone through the wash AND the dryer. THEN to soothe my furrowed brow, I poured a glass of wine which I proceeded to spill ALL over my dinner. Serious. All in one night.
The time I locked myself out of my car. With my toddler, purse, keys, and cell phone inside. And I had to break into my house, complete with climbing through a window (while pregnant) and seeing off the alarm system.
Oops, accidentally posted twice. stupid phone.
The time I locked myself out of my car. With my toddler, purse, keys, and cell phone inside. And I had to break into my house, complete with climbing through a window (while pregnant) and setting off the alarm system.
#1: My first trip shopping alone with newborn son and 2-year-old daughter and she slips on the concrete steps in front of our house and scrapes her chin and knuckles badly. After plastering her face and hand with bandages, we continue on to Kohl’s where we must choose between a cart or a wheelchair (!) and she, having become obsessed with wheelchairs recently after seeing me wheeled out of the maternity ward/hospital in one, wants the wheelchair. There was no way I was pushing her plus the baby in his carseat plus a huge pile of shopping items around the store in a wheelchair, so instead I strapped her down in the front seat of a cart from whence she proceeded to howl “I NEED A WHEEEEEELCHAIR!!!” over and over like some deranged accident victim while our fellow shoppers stared at us in horror.
#2: My husband had taken our three-year-old son to the driving range and, when they were done, was loading up the golf clubs in the back of the cart so they could drive back to the parking lot while our son, in turn, was climbing into the front seat, ready to drive.
Husband (laughing): “You have to be able to reach the pedals to drive it.”
Son: “Ok, daddy!” And he jumps down on the gas pedal with his arms stretched way over his head to the steering wheel. Golf cart zooms away in a serpentine route, spraying golf clubs right and left until my husband can catch up to the cart’s side and hop in to push the brake pedal.
OMG I’m dying. That’s so scary and hilarious.
That time when I didn’t know/hear that my husband puked in the middle of the night in and off his side of the bed and onto the floor. And my 2 year old snuck out of his bed in the morning to come to our room but neither of us were awake yet so he got something to play with and went back to his room to play until we woke up. And I awoke to a puke laden bed, floor and husband. Then I went to my son’s room and found him giggling in his bed and he and his favorite stuffed animals were covered in my husband’s puke, a full bottle of Astroglide he’d apparently stolen from my husband’s dresser, and poop that had blown out of his diaper.
I was in another room while my husband was with the baby and toddler and he starts screaming for me. I come out and he is screaming how he had poop smeared on his face because the baby’s diaper exploded and he didn’t realize it until after he scratched his face. Fun times.
My 2 year old boy was lying in the bath on his stomach when he farted. I told him to say excuse me. He looked at me and said “My bum talking.”
I have two, both involving poop of course. First one, I was getting a rare shower alone. All of the sudden i hear from the other room “holy hell why is her poop blue????” I’ll be honest, I pretended I didn’t hear him over the water. She had recently started solids and REALLY liked purple cauliflower. Second story she was in the tub and she started grunting and I saw bubbles. In a moment of clarity I scooped her up and held her on the toilet. The next day I was recounting the story to my own parents, proud of myself, when my dad chuckled and said that she was making “tub toys”. He then went on for 20 minutes about how he was going to get rich by making “accessory kits” (think Mr. Potato head). Oh yah, and you got extra points if you made a submarine. Thank God my daughter is only 8 months and couldn’t get any bright ideas.
When I was first potty training my son, one evening I sent him and his big sister into their bedroom to get undressed ready for their bath while I was in the other room changing the baby. When I walked into their bedroom to shepherd them into the bathroom, there was a little puddle on the floor so I asked him where that had come from and he blamed it on our newly acquired kitten. I then spotted his trousers were also wet, and he looked panicked for a moment, realising he may have been rumbled, but then relaxed and looked very pleased with himself as a solution came to him “the cat weed in them too” lol
My oldest liked to eat raisins out of a plastic cup that dropped raisins all the time. Youngest pooped rabbit pellets that liked to fall out of his cloth diaper. Oldest learned to check “raisins” on the floor before eating them.
Kid and puppy potty training go hand in hand. We were potty training our new puppy. One day I saw my 3 yr old son going across the backyard with a shovel in his hand. He was being responsible by removing his own poop from the lawn as well as the puppy’s.
I shared this with you on your facebook page already, but I hope it wins! It would be awesome to see it illustrated, and I’m sure you can relate to having boys. Here it is: Elijah and Levi come up to me and ask me to be a sleeping princess so they can be knights and kiss me and wake me up. I think: “Awe. Having boys is the best!”. Eli kisses me, and I “wake up” only to have Levi say “RAWR! I am a dragon!” and pretend to bite me. Eli says, “Now you are a a dead princess.” Boys!
One Christmas my 5 yr old son decided to make his paper gingerbread man anatomically correct – at school. When the “art” came home, I drew on boxers. My husband thought it was so funny, he took it to his work and it sits on his desk bulletin board to this day.
so, I decide to take some much deserved “mama” time with a book and a coffee in the sunshine on my patio. Plonk my kiddos in front of a DVD (bad mama!) and sneak outside. Start reading, feel a tickle in my bra, look and see a long hair from my head, pull it out, read some more, feel tickle, ignore tickle. come inside to get more coffee, pull down shirt and look in bra to discover a SPIDER looking back at me! Run around kitchen screaming and stripping down – my kids thought it was the funniest thing EVER.
My 2 year old daughter came up to me and said, “mommy, you buwfell (beautiful).” Oh how sweet – thank you so much – I gushed back to her. She replied, “And you have big boobs.”
Ha! This happened just last week, and I thought of this blog in my head as I was interrogating them:
My 6 and 8 year olds (behind my back, obviously) each diluted the other’s fancy kids’ toothpaste in some kind of wretched experiment/revenge fantasy. I caught them because they’re total slowpokes some mornings, and to move things along I tried to put their toothpaste on the brushes for them. Now? They use grownup toothpaste.
I should add that we live abroad, where toiletries like this are very expensive–so that was like $10 worth of toothpaste that they ruined.
My first grader greeted me with an ear to ear grin.
“Guess what I did at school today? You’ll be so proud!” he beamed.
“You stayed on green (behavior)!” I smiled back, knowingly.
“No, Mom, even better … I learned to ARM FART!”
And then he showed me.
Boy milestone, achieved.
My 3 year old daughter decides after multiple failed attempts to use a public restroom she finally has to poop. So I’m kneeling in the men’s stall holding her when someone comes in to use the urinal. While this person starts peeing on the plastic cake holder and it makes a very distinctive sound, she says very loudly ‘Why is that man taking a shower?’. I nearly dropped her in the toilet while simultaneously trying to shush her while laughing.
That time when we were checking out at crowded grocery store and my toddler starts screaming, “NO! DON’T BEAT ME! DON’T BEAT ME! NOOOOO!!!” (Refering to the “I’m going to put the groceries on the conveyor belt faster than you” game/trick I invented to make grocery shopping a little easier.) This plan back fired, horribly. Every one stared and I didn’t know what else to do besides put my hands up like I was about to be arrested. I was also 9 months pregnant, so it was all the more awesome.
The other day my 18-month-old was examining the cat and pointing out his body parts. “Nose! Ears! Feet!” She then picked up a foot to check out his little toe pads, thought about them for a second, and said, “Beans!”
My 3 year old son and I were in the locker room at the gym one day and he decided to point out that the lady changing next to us had big nipples…
The time my sister was trying to nurse her newborn and he was refusing to eat. My nephew who was 5 at the time says with a shrug: you should probably try a different flavor milkshake.
A few weeks after my first baby was born my dad took me to a chiropractor for an adjustment. My dad was such a proud new grandpa showing off the baby and walking around the whole office. I come out after treatment to find my new baby had a diaper explosion and yellow poop had dripped down his leg all over my father and all over the office floor. It was not fun trying to clean the carpet with baby wipes while my dad stood there horrified.
To see if a dress was long enough (when we were little), my mom would make me and my sister touch our toes and if our underwear showed it was too short. My sister was spotting for the underwear as I tried on dresses from my 3rd birthday. My mom was sure the dress was too short, but my sister insisted she didn’t see any underwear. While I kept on having to lean over more and more to my Mom’s bidding, and finally my sister says, “I’d see some if she had any on!”
This summer I had to do a 24-hour urine collection (part of my pregnancy monitoring); I had to keep it in the refrigerator in a jug that looked just like a platic jug you put juice in. I showed it to my almost-3-year-old daughter and told her it was peepee and NOT to drink it. We never talked about it again. Three months later, I varied from our store-bought routine, made some orange juice and put it in our plastic jug in the fridge. When she went to look in the fridge for juice my daughter stood there, puzzled, for a moment, then bearhugged the jug to pull it out and turned to me: “Is diss da peepee?”
Second entry (because I want to win, dang it!): We had just gotten day old baby chicks in the mail (because I’m a crazy urban farmer that likes to grow our own eggs). My oldest son (5) was worried about where their mommies and daddies were, so I explained that we were adopting them to be a part of our family. Once we settled them into their brooder with food and water, they were chirping happily. I said, “See they are all happy in their new home.” My son replied, “Maybe they are happy because they don’t have any mommies or daddies to tell them what to do.”
Me: “Hi Tiny, I missed you, I bet you had fun with Gigi and Papa.”
Tiny: “Yeah, Papa took his balls out!”
Tiny: “Papa cleaned his balls, Papa put his balls in the car, Papa have two balls, Papa balls are heavy.”
Me: (Chuckling)
Tiny: “Papa go bowling tonight.”
LOL
I love the innocence…when I asked my daughter what theme she wanted for her 3rd birthday she said “Balls!!!”
And of course because my mind resides in the gutter about 99% of the time, I could only sit there trying (and failing) to stifle my giggles.
That time when we took our two ten year old and one year old boys to the science museum in Golden Gate Park. Baby started screaming in the ‘Rainforest’ exhibt because of the humidity, but you are not allowed to have food or drink in there, but I smuggled him a bottle in a desperate (and failed) attempt to silence him. We went to the park playground after, where the smoke from the drum circle hung in a haze over the playground. Then baby screamed at the top of his lungs, at almost dog hearing frequencies, for the TWO HOURS home (including when we got the $30 dollar fine at the toll both becaues we had spent all our cash on bribes for the kids). When we got to our off ramp, we started laughing until we cried, because there was nothing else to do.
I can usually sensor myself around my 27 mo old daughter, EXCEPT while driving around here in NJ. Fortunately she has not mimicked any of the usual streams of expletives that come out, but she has been known to echo “Douchebag!” and “Two Lanes Jerky!” I was telling my husband how she said douchebag and I guess he thought it would be funny to see what she would do when he said, “Can you say butthole?” To which she responded, “I love buttholes!”
Blood test time for my baby boy.
Mumma – Palpitation, Sweating, Nervousness, Nausea.
Mowgsy – Concentrating on the needle and cotton ball with spirit, rubs the spirit on his own, needle goes in, draws blood, comes out..not a drop of tear…did not even wince. Offers the other hand once it is over.#kidsneverstoptoamaze
The vet trip-
I put on my toddler’s shoes to go to the vet, choosing the icky play shoes because they are going somewhere that is likely urinated, however these shoes symbolize the freedom of outdoor play to my daughter. She howls in protest as I strap her in the car, and continues until we reach this new place full of people and animals and things you shouldn’t touch. I’m trying to hold onto the excited dog and the excited baby, and then the resident cat (purposefully) saunters by and I lose control. I tie off the dog and physically restrain the toddler as she screams in protest at not being able to ransack the receptionist’s area in search of the crappy cat, while the receptionist raises her voice on the phone and lowers her eyebrows at me and the other customers try to pretend nothing is happening. I was so embarrassed and wasn’t sure what to do so I whispered in her ear, “If you don’t stop screaming, I’m going to take off your shoes.” and, to my surprise, it worked.
Board Games-
My (childless) sister came to visit and always wants to do something interesting, the kind of things you don’t do with babies and toddlers. We decided to play a board game. 5 moves into the game, which took about 20 minutes because my kids were trying to move and/or eat the pieces, the toddler elbowed an entire Coke and it went over everything, destroying the game and working its way into the wood floor. I run to get towels, and the baby, sensing my weakness, heads immediately for a potted plant and starts eating dirt. I make a grab for the baby and turn to find my toddler licking the forbidden Coke off the floor, as the oven timer goes off, and my sister sits in complete shock.
This past Sunday, my son was being super quiet so I had my husband turn and check on him in the kitchen. We thought he got in to the trash, but he was sitting on the ground with his back to us eating a whole bunch of chocolate Halloween candy we got from my alma matters homecoming. He would suck the chocolate out and then spit out the foil wrapper proclaiming loudly (after we caught him) YUM!! He was wired for two hours; I love toddler hood lol
The conversation I had with my 7 year old about woolly mammoths and diarrohoea wolves. That would be ‘crappy’ – right?
I forgot to mention (but it’s only the 3rd sentence so that’s ok) that the woolly mammoths dropped out of the sky.
That time my 2 year old took off her underpants after pooping in them, somehow managing not to get poop all over herself, then brought them to me without telling me she’d already pooped. I took them, unwittingly letting a big ball of poop fall out onto the floor. At least it was on the wood and not the rug.
We are in line at the grocery store and when we get to the clerk (who is total eye candy) he asks how we are to which I reply “ great, thank you, and poo?”
The clerk gives me an odd look, tells me that he is fine, busy, tired, and hungry when suddenly my then 2 ½ year old realizes I said poo and not you and she loudly declares that momma make poopy in her pants not in the bathroom.
I about die of embarrassment and tell my daughter that what I really said was that I was going to pee my pants if I did not go to the restroom before we shopped.
The clerk is giving me the side-eye of skepticism while simultaneously trying to take an quick sniff of air to see if I have indeed crapped myself (which I have not) then decides to make small talk with my daughter by asking her how her day is.
My daughter proudly tells him that “mommy was riding daddy horsey after dinner and mommy go fast, zoom zoom zoom, and mommy no more play horsey with daddy, daddy sleep by himself and mommy cuddle me” and of course I can’t speak as I am too mortified.
That time we went to the zoo about 3 hours away from my house, and the toddler got overheated. He puked all over me, down my shirt, etc. He had new clothes and I got to buy an awesome gas station shirt with a wolf and motorcycle that says, “Legends Never Die.”
The time going up the supermarket pet supplies aisle when my daughter sitting in the cart saw the cat food with a fluffy white cat on the label. She said: “Oh cute kitty! That cat steak looks yummy! Can we get it? I never tried cat steak before!!”
(yes, I’ve told you this story before in a comment a year or so ago!)
I come back home from work one day and my folks tell me sonny is fast asleep in his room. I am a bit surprised rather suspicious..so I tiptoe in and proving my fears right there he was…with an angelic smile and twinkling eyes amidst the worst mess in history. My makeup kit upturned, lipstick painted on the walls, eyeliner and cream hand print on my bedsheets. Oh and did I mention bathed in orange juice. My beautiful baby boy!
We had taken out our 2 year old daughter’s booster seat and laid it on the floor in the garage so we could use the van to move some stuff. The next day, I put all the seats back in and reinstalled the booster so my daughter and I could go run some errands. We weren’t halfway down the road when she started screaming: “ANTS!!! ANTS!!! ANTS!!! AAAAIIIII!!!” She’s screaming like she’s in a horror show. I quickly glance back to see ants crawling everywhere, all over her– I hadn’t realized that the little black buggers all crawled in there to get the crumbs in the seat while it was on the garage floor!
Elmo is on Pampers diapers, and Winnie the Pooh is on Huggies. During my son’s (22 mo) diaper changes I would help him identify Elmo by pointing to and saying Elmo’s name. Through a discount offer I started buying Huggies, so I am trying to help him identify Winnie the Pooh. I have also been teaching him where his pee and poop comes out. This is how the introduction of the lovable bear character goes:
Me: “Winnie the Pooh” (pointing to character print on diaper).
Logan: “Poop?”
Me: “No, not poop. This is Winnie the Pooh, Pooh Bear”
Logan: “I poop? I pee?” (he’s patting his butt & front)
Me: “Logan, who is this?” (pointing to character print on diaper)
Logan: “Poop!”
Why did A. A. Milne name that bear Pooh? Why put him on diapers?
“Milne named the character Winnie-the-Pooh after a teddy bear owned by his son” from Wikipedia
(2nd story)
The time I was on a crowded Seattle-London flight with two young kids by myself (the 3 of us squeezing into 2 seats – bags, diapers, toys, sippies surrounding us). In the chaos I stood up and somehow had a panty liner attached to my back. The lady behind me kindly pointed out “You have a wee pad on your back” and I replied embarrassedly “NOOO, it’s not for wee – it’s just a panty liner!”
I later realized she was Scottish (Duh!)
Right, I’m going to stop reading these now because I am going to die laughing right this minute if I don’t. That is hysterical, I’m ringing my mam NOW to tell her this one!
I am in the living room vacuuming, which my 2yo normally loves to help me with, but not today; Today she wants to play in her room (which she shares with the baby). When I finish vacuuming I realize she has been quiet too long. I run into the room to find she has powder bombed the room – dresser, crib, bed, floor, and of course herself! After cleaning her I send her to the living room (that I just vacuumed) to play with her toys while I finish cleaning up the room. When I come back into the living room I find her covered in glitter, and the floor, the couch, the toy box…
“Mommy, I’m pretty, just like a Princess!!”
My then 4-year old son Alex was playing in his sandbox in the backyard while I did dishes in a mommy trance. Soon he came in, ran past me and went downstairs to his room / ran back up stairs / went outside (repeat 5 times before I finally get suspicious and toddle downstairs to see the garden hose coming in through his bedroom window and water EVERYWHERE. Because he wanted to make a swimming pool in his bedroom. Now he’s 14 and thinks that is an EPIC story.
How about the time my mom (the apartment manager) went to check the mail and got stopped by a tenant while I waited for her back in the apartment. She wasn’t more than 15 minutes, but I was SO sure she’d been mauled or eaten by a bear (wtf?!) that I called 911!
Or there was the time I got soap in my eyes while showering after going to the pool… I called out for my mom to bring me a towel but no response. So I jumped out to look for her (something MUST be wrong!) and couldn’t find her so I (dum dum dum) called 911. This time she was playing hanky pinky in the other shower with my step dad and had to explain as much to the officer at the door…
1. 2 y/o kept begging to call her grandpa. I finally called him and she warned him that the cat would bite him, then hung up. I was very confused until my mom reminded me that several months ago their cat hissed at her and scratched her.
2. My mother in law kept insisting my 18 m/o needed to go back to bed for a longer nap, even though she’d already slept for 2 hours. We put our daughter back down just to shut up the MIL. After 30 minutes, my daughter finally quieted down and my MIL gave us a smug, “I told you she needed a nap” look. My husband went to check on her and she had stripped naked and peed all over everything. He was smiling like the cheshire cat when he said, “I told you she didn’t need a longer nap.”
We used to playfully tease our boys (then 2 and 3) about their cute little toddler flubs (chubs). One night when I was 9 months pregnant they saw me naked and they giggled and said that Mommy had the biggest flub of all. I explained that Mommy’s “flub” was their baby sister growing in my tummy. About 4 months later I was showering with my boys and one of them said, “Mommy, why do you still have your big flubs? Baby sister came out a long time ago!”
This one time, I was getting in the car to head home from the mall with my 14 month old (who I’m trying to potty train very early) and realized I had to poop, BAD. BARELY made it home, plopped the kid on the floor, and as I’m doing my business he comes over and drags his potty with him trying to sit down on it – well, you can’t ignore an opportunity like that, so I undress him and sit him down on it. He sits happily, then stands up and goes to play with the cabinet instead (with me stuck on the toilet saying “no, no, sit back down! SIT BACK DOWN!), and as he’s sitting back down the poop starts coming out and it lands half-in, half-out of the potty and I’m stuck trying to figure out which one of us needs to wipe first. I manage to clean him up a bit, then turn my attention to my own situation, and the next thing I know, he is SQUATTING ON THE FLOOR and MORE POOP IS COMING OUT… and somehow, without thinking, I shoot my hand under his butt to catch it before it hits the bathroom rug. There is so much more that happens after this – lots more poop, everywhere, and my hands will forever be Lady-Macbeth-unclean – but my five sentences are up.
The time my two year old threw an epic toddler tantrum in the mall bathroom because he insisted that I need to do my peepee standing up like he does. I couldn’t really find a middle ground to compromise with him on that one, so his response was to berate me for not doing it right like the “big boys.” Mortified.
That time I walked my 3 year old and 3 month old a half mile back from preschool, and when I got to the house realized I forgot my keys at preschool and it started raining, and the baby was crying, and we didn’t have raincoats, and in desperation told my older son to crawl in the cat door and stand on tiptoes and take the back door key out of the deadbolt and hand it to me through the cat door so I could open the door for us to get into the house. Whew!
My 20 month old playing in the garden with our pet tortoise (‘Turtle’ in American) when I saw him place the poor, harrassed creature on the baby trampoline. ‘Tortie! Tortie!
I swear I saw the fear in it’s tiny beady eyes (maybe mixed with a smidgen of pure astonishment, as it majestically soared off the trampoline and landed with a sickening ‘thud’ on the concrete path.
The result was a missing chelonian toenail, unstoppable haemorhage and a vet bill for £150.
Tortie! Tortie!
I bought the kids (ages 4.5, 3, 1.5) calculators at Walmart for 50 cents and for two weeks straight they followed us around the house with calculators in hand asking, “What number is this?” with 685,987,431 showing on the screen followed by, “And what number is this?”… 754,999,012. It was great fun. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective) Lizzie (1.5) got a hold of them and bit all the rubber numbers off and ATE THEM! I was finding red calculator buttons in her poopy diapers for a week straight! So, I’m thinking we’ll re-introduce calculators when the boys have learned a little about place value and numbers (and can answer their own “what number is this?” questions) and once Elizabeth gets past the “bite, chew, and swallow everything” stage.
there was that one time when my 2yo (in the 2nd week of potty training) asked me to wait outside the bathroom while he peed. shy bladder? sure, whatever will make him more comfortable. instead of watching through the crack in the door, i had a sh!tty mommy moment and checked facebook on my iphone while i waited. when i went in to check on him, he was sitting on the potty… completely naked… proud grin on his face… lathered from head to toe in baby shampoo.
Lol!
Lol My son loves to push buttons, his dad loves to play video games. Right in the middle of an intense mission we here the beep the Xbox makes as it turns off and my 14 month old son looking at dad with a HUGE grin. Dad was not grinning lol. Also happens in the middle of netflix shows now too. Got himself back when he pushed the button on the vacuum cleaner right after I vacuumed…before i had unplugged it.
We were given some jelly bath stuff (turns water into goo), tried it with my kids and they didn’t like it so gave the rest to a friend. She gives her kids a bath with it, leaves them unattended, returns to find green goo *all* over.
Story 2:
Big brother (2.5) visits me and new born baby in hospital, during visit goes to get snack from canteen and wants to bring back cake for baby as well as mummy.
there was that one time when my 2yo kid got carsick and threw up all over himself, just as we arrived at a fancy restaurant (to celebrate grandpa’s birthday) an hour away from home. bad mommy (me) didn’t have a change of clothes for the kid — only for his 7mo baby sister. daddy ran down the street to a drug store to buy new clothes, but there were none. meanwhile, i used an entire pack of wipes to clean up the chunks of vomit from the car seat and wipe down the kid. i couldn’t squeeze the kid’s little but into his sister’s purple flower-printed leggings, so i fashioned a kilt out of a towel that i had in the backseat.
if you have read this far then well done! have a cup of tea and a bikkie! my story is the time i attempted to feed my 10month old son rice. ever so independant my wee man, he wanted to do it himself. he gingerly picked up the spoon (yay) dipped it into the bowl (wow) managed to get a few grains of rice (he’s doing it!) and held it up to inspect. i waited for the spoon to disappear into his mouth. but no, he hurls it everywhere like some sort of rice flinging ninja (sigh). he couldn’t be more proud of himself though. next time i feed him rice in the kitchen without clothes on. better go give him a bath…
The day my husband realized just how often he took our daughter through the McDonalds drive-thru: we pull up to the parking lot pay window at the zoo and my husband barely has his window rolled down and from the back seat we hear , “Kicken Nuggets!” (pause…then more softly) “Fwies?”.
I wear a locket with a pic of my hubby (Jim) on one side. My 2 year old niece was playing a game of Open & Close* with it one day and asked, “Who that?” I told her it was Uncle Jimmy. She closed the locket then asked “Where Uncle Jimmy go?” and got all excited when I opened the locket up again.
*That game where the child can’t open something so they ask you to open it then immediately close it again…and again…and again…
I have two! Both entirely inappropriate stories that I will remember forever I hope. Each about a different child of mine.
One:
This one time when we were trying to get my son to say more than just “Momma” and “Dadda” so I had been laying on the bed with him trying to get him to say every word I could think of and with every word he just smiled or laughed at me and then clamped his mouth tighter. I gave up and was carrying him down the stairs for snack when I slipped! I said, “SHIT!” and skidded down about 6 steps on my feet and thankfully landed still standing. My son looks at me smiles really big and goes, “Sssssssssssit… Mommy ssssssssit!” Thank GOD he had a lisp so everyone thought his first real word was sit instead of shit.
Two:
My daughter was 18 months old and showering with daddy (this is the last time she showered with daddy) while I was brushing my teeth and getting our clothes ready for church. Daddy uses old spice body wash, its blue. Interested daughter, “Daddy, I’m washin’ my bo-deeeeee. Are you washing your body?” Hurried daddy, “Yes. I’m washing my body.” Talkative daughter, “Daddy. I washed my woo. Did you wash your wee?” Distracted husband, “Good for you pumpkin.” Direct daughter (who has been listening to her daddy and uncles talk too much) “Um daddy… Your balls is blue.”
That time I took my 3 yr old out to lunch then book store while 8 months pregnant he threw the mother of all tantrums because I only bought him one book instead of the 37 he wanted. approached by two passing by uniformed soldiers asking if everything’s okay while lunatic mini me screams NOOOOOOOOOOO while trying to throw himself to street for full effect. Soldier then questions child as we walk to car if I’m his mom.little dear screamed Noooooooo!
That time my three year old sees a friend breastfeeding and asks her what she’s doing. When she’s told that milk comes out of the breast and that that’s what the baby drinks she pressed on her little booby and proclaimed to all that hers’ didn’t have milk but had coke instead.
After long car journey we stop at a pub for lunch. we all go for a wee. after leaving the loos small boy anounces loudly to the whole pub ‘i got to wee in a drain’. husband mortified, me, pub staff and other custermors were wetting our selves!
story 2. on a train trip with 6 year old (boy) and 4 year old (girl). we go to the loo (the sort that has a big slidey door and the controls to this are far away from the toilet!). boy wees, girl wees, i wee – at which point one of the little blighters presses the open button! whole carriage sees me ‘weeing’ – with added ‘look, look mummies weeing’ shouts from my offspring! they are such a joy!!!!!!
Receipt: Leave your two-year-old twins inside their cradles to sleep the siesta and leave a bottle of sun lotion forgotten in a rack near them… Let 5 minutes pass. Result: a re-decorated room in white, girls included.
That time in middle school I was trick or treating with a friend and came upon a mother pulling 2 children white, hooded robes in a wagon. My response: “aw, look! They’re little KKK members!” (Ike that’s a good thing). The mother’s annoyed response: they’re ghosts.
Public shopping center toilets, time of the month and a 4 year old with one very loud question: MUMMY? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT UP YOUR BUM?
Periods, kids and public toilets don’t mix – but what else do you do with them?!
(Two sentences, wooooo!)
Those times trying to work out at home with a toddler that consists of him riding me during pushups, jump jacking around the room in an attempt to run away from him because he wants to ride my leg, being forced to let him brush my teeth (with his toothbrush) during butterfly presses and being used as a lounge chair during crunches. I don’t think this is what Jillian Michaels had in mind.
My 5 year old is Autistic and I’d love to see a crappy pictures ‘episode’ of all the strange things that people say to us. We get people telling us bizarre cures, making insensitive remarks, and a various display of awkward moments. It would be funny and informative. “What’s her special talent” is my favorite question that people ask. I usually say, “She reads minds and can teleport!”
“What’s her special talent?” …….really?!
I don’t have an autistic kid of my own, and admit to being on the ignorant side, but that is so unbelievably rude! Your answer cracks me up, though– kudos to you for being good-humored with stupid people
We try and see the funny side a lot! People always refer us to different “cures” and stories, one that comes up a lot is the story of the boy who went to a shaman in Mongolia… I always feel like saying, “you take her to see the shaman, make sure you pack a documentary crew and some toilet paper”.
That one time my 6 year old inquired about the black thing under the pink thing while changing her week old baby brother. I explained that boys have a penis and girls have a nani. She proceeds to tell me that she knew that (don’t know how) and that sometimes girls get a big hole in there bottom where babies come out of. WTH I’ve only had c-sections… Apparently she got that from some other kid in Kindergarten.
Genre: painful comedy; Actors: mom, dad, brother, sister, a cactus; Set: living room with sofa and kitchen; Topic: teaching obedient kid about politeness can backfire.
Cannot seem to get the September chaos out of my head. Last week, forgot to take both schoolbags to school so went back home to fetch them and delivered them in their classes. On Monday, took schoolbag of eldest with me when leaving school and discovered it 10 minutes later when wanting to take the tram (so had to deliver it into her class…again). Today…took my eldest with me (she was holding my hand) when leaving school and only noticed it when she said: “Mam, aren’t I supposed to stay at school?”
My son use to LOVE staying at grandmas, now not so much. She calls him everyday to try and convince him to come over. She uses cookies, tv, she even tries manipulation. The last time they talked on the phone, she said “will you come over to my house Dom?” dom’s reply “No, because your house is stinky and it smells like your poop. Go find another baby to play with.” he’s 2
The time my son was a newborn and peed and wet all his clothes so i had to change him. then he pooped so i had to change him again. than as i was changing him he projectile pooped all over my face and hair and shirt so i burst into tears and screamed for my husband to wake up and finish the job because i couldn’t anymore. my husband saw me and could not stop laughing.
When my older daughter (now 13) was 3 (and just newly potty-trained), we were in line at the grocery store she loudly announced she had to go potty. So I got out of line and took her-and I decided I would go as well. We get back in line after the potty break, and are unloading the cart….so we play a color game…..I asked her all the colors of the fruits we bought…she tells me “apples are red!”, “grapes green”, then it was “my shorts are blue”…and what made the older lady behind me laugh, “Mommy, your undies are PURPLE!!!! WITH STRIPES!!!”
That time when we’re out with a friend and his 2 girls, he checks a diaper and gets poop on his finger. Looking horrified, he says, “I gotta go,” and runs to the men’s bathroom alone. I take his daughter to the bathroom and change her (into one of my son’s cloth diapers, since they had forgotten their diaper bag). We still joke abt “pulling a Philip.”
When my nephew was 4 yrs old my husband and I took him to the local park for his first park experience. It was late November and we all had on fuzzy sweaters an it was my bright idea to slide down the plastic tube slide. My poor nephew and I got zap with all the static electricity on the ride down and he wanted as far away from me as possible when we hit the bottom. On the bright side it was the first time he voluntarily went to his Uncle.
Ugh.. he was 2 yrs old at the time… he’s 4 yrs old now lol
That time my siblings and I ended up skating on slices of watermelons in the living room while my mom was on the phone…
Happened to my sister, a childcare worker (just one of the millions of amusing stories she has shared) – Changing a baby boy’s nappy and he crosses his legs and goes ‘all gone!’. She asks ‘what’s gone?’. Baby goes ‘willy!’. Then throws his legs open and goes ‘PEEKABOO!’. That’s right, penis peek-a-boo.
While busy shopping at the grocery store, I never even noticed my two year old son (sitting in the cart) had removed two of my tampons from my purse, unwrapped them and shoved them up his nose. I walked around the entire store and never noticed my double barreled 2 year old was fully loaded. No wonder everyone was laughing at me. The little old lady who finally told me was more embarrassed then I was.
That time I took my daughter into the grocery store and she saw a man whose entire face and head were completely covered with tattoos and – I swear – no fewer than 100 piercings. She then proceeded to point and yell very loudly “Mommy! What is wrong with that man?!” My frantic attempts to shush her only made her repeat herself more loudly. On a loop.
Guh.
No poo or penises here. Just 6 peas up my 2yo’s right nostril (I didn’t see her do it – I must have been on Facebook) and a trip to the ER. Hubby had to put his mouth over hers and blow to make the peas pop out.
My first day away from the baby, and daddy’s first day alone with him (I went to the spa.). Daddy holds the baby while he goes for a pee, and a surprised/inquisitive baby looks down at what is happening. Baby’s jaw drops, soother falls into toilet, husband then boils soother to sterilize, water boils down as he forgets about it, fire alarm goes off. Story ends with husband, baby, dog all sitting in front porch with all windows and doors open, airing smoke out of house, smoke alarm going off with “Fire!” yelled from alarm system(deep man-voice), neighbours walking by eyeing him suspiciously.
That time when I had to go to my doctor’s appointment but I was still nursing my 1 month old daughter every 90 minutes. Had to find an empty doctor’s office in the hospital that didn’t have a mother’s room. During the feeding my husband said something funny that made me laugh and giggle so much that my baby was jiggling all over the place.
That time while I was vacuuming in the other room when my 5-year-old thought it would be funny to play a trick on me and take his 2-year-old brother’s fresh poop out of the diaper and put it into an unused potty. The newish potty that was just for the 2-year-old to sit on with a diaper still on and ponder what it might be like to use it someday. And then the 2-year-old was naked in the living room with a poopy bottom and wanted to play with the poop in the potty. Needless to say, a bath and lots of wiping of furniture with bleachy wipes ensued.
That time when my youngest rushed into the house, arm in the air, hysterical about the smooth expanse of bubble gum coating her armpit, and proceeded to scream “No, no not that!” when I tried to use peanut butter to remove it.
4 Household chores tips by Julia age 14mths.
Laundry:Any dirty washing in machine if door is ajar, is to be strewn across kitchen, hall and worn on head especially with poopy stains.
Part 2:Dirty Laundry in your basket must be taken out and put under momma & Daddas duvet asap, Momma loves surprises!
Piles of swept dust can be easily redisbursed around kitchen floor with smaller brush, while mom’s under the table.
Best method of tidying away small toys and socks is to put them down toilet or into bath when sister is washing..express yourself
P.S I posted the above at 11.39 in the morning as I live in Ireland in case you think I was at computer at 3.29 in morning..
Story#2: That time I was 4yo and we went to Disneyworld and we were swimming in the pool. My mom was videotaping and said something along the lines of “let me see you twirl” and I replied with “I’m sick of your bullsh*t”. On video.
The other day, my 6 year old son drew a picture of his school on fire with people smiling outside. I asked him why the school was on fire & he said “if the school gets burnt, we don’t have to wake up early to learn”
Nephew to grandpa: Hey grandpa, I just peed on the deck.
Grandpa (trying not to laugh) to nephew: Well, David, I wish that you hadn’t done that. Next time, pee in the potty. Or out in the trees.
Nephew to grandpa: It’s ok. I wiped it up with my pants.
How about the time I took my three kids to one of our favorite parks, complete with a beautiful little waterfall and miniature river feature winding through. It was all fun and games until I heard one of the random moms screaming, “Nooooooo, stop that!”, in a very obnoxious voice (I don’t know you! Stop screaming at my kids, I thought). Until I saw what they were doing: Two little naked bums were facing me, pants around ankles, and two little additional fountains were arcing into the water, upriver from the rest of the splashing kids.
OMG I am in tears from laughing! Although I’d reckon your kids weren’t the first to do that!
I’m worn out, 2 year old requests juice (a rare treat in this household) so I give in. We have none but I want to avoid a tantrum, I discover margarita mix and fill up his sippy cup. I hand it to him and start to screw the cap back on the the margarita mix bottle, before he takes a sip I realize via my sense of smell and then confirming by reading the label that the margarita “mix” is in fact pre-mixed margarita, tequila included. I snatch cup from toddler, I drink the margarita. Oops!
Contest: When getting out of the shower my 2 yr old daughter walks in and says, “I like your mustache down there mama.” She also asked me to teach her to fly at that age. Now that she is 3 she told me that when she is “growed up, I’m going to dye my hair yellow.” She is burnette and don’t know how she even knows about dying hair bc I don’t. I told her most people call “yellow hair” blonde and she is the most beautiful girl ever just the way she is of course.
It’s not unusual for people to come up and say hello to my 2 girls when I’m pushing them in a shopping trolley and usually they say hello back and act totally in love with themselves when someone tells them their hair is nice or something. Recently an old man started chatting to the girls in the supermarket and my 2 year-old started ROARING and shouting “help me Mammy”. I apologised as the man walked away being watched by everyone. Then the 1 year-old shouted after him, smiling and waving “Bye bye Grandad.” **This story will be one of my next blog posts.**
Contest: Although my 3 yr old daughter has been potty trained for a while, when we started eating corn this summer it led to poops that were faster than she could react and two public episodes that left me red in the face.
At the park with only an over used porta john within a short distance I ended up holding her in the air over a mound of $#it coming up out of the toilet while she screamed and cried about the horrifying smell. That was her first experience in one and now when we go to that park she says, “but I won’t have to use the stinky bathroom, right?” with a scared look on her face. Whenever we see one now anywhere she points it out, “there’s one of those stinky bathrooms mom!” I told her in the future if that is our only choice then we will use the woods:)
The other episode was when we went to a friend’s country club pool as guests and evacuated the pool within 5 minutes of arriving. I already felt like an outsider before we left a floater in the pool.
Our baby sitter locking herself in the bathroom to try and escape our naked little brother (~6yrs) and his confessions of love for her!
We managed to convince ourselves that this vacation would be relaxing, despite years of experience proving otherwise. Imagined breathtaking tropical beach getaway, happy tanned children playing in the sand. Accidental but unavoidable road trip junk food exposure and lack of naps transform children into raging cryaholics, unsurprisingly. Then to top it off, husband runs over my foot with the car as I’m strapping son in to carseat. End up with foot in half cast hiding in hotel bathroom eating children’s expensive additive-free ice cream after kids finally fall asleep.
My two year old was potty training and my 6 month old was just learning to crawl. I had gone in to the other room while they were watching Sesame Street and, a minute or two later, I heard my two year old screaming like she was injured. I asked what was wrong and she screams “Ellie’s eating my poop!!!” I run to the living room to find the 6 month old sitting next to the poop smeared potty with a poop in one hand (squeezing it between her little fingers) and it all over her face. And we don’t have a bathtub so I had to wrestle the Rubbermaid storage bin back in from the front porch to fill with water to un-poop the baby…
Over the summer, my sister and I took our kids to a local water park. We were in the lazy river and I noticed my sister’s boob was completely out of her top during our conversation. So I asked her if she was nursing her baby and she said no, why? Um, cause your whole boob is out of your top!!
My “uncle” always trying to get my baby “cousin” to pee on him so he could have a son, but somehow I was always the one peed on. His kids: all girls. My kid: a boy. Guess it really worked
(Mongolian Superstition: if a baby pees on you your next child will be that gender).
My 3 yo daughter asked me about baby brother’s boy parts. As I explained to her that it was called a penis, she kept giggling and saying, “No, boys don’t have peanuts!” I then overheard her asking Daddy (who just happens to be an urologist), if he also had a “peanut in his butt.” Of course he said no and she yelled out, “BABA DOESN’T HAVE A PEANUT IN HIS BUTT!”
That time when I was at the doctor’s office and my newly potty-trained 3yr old gave a woman his sticker for her grandaughter. She responded how sweet and what a big boy he was for being so generous, and he pulled down his pants to show her (and the entire doctor’s office) his big boy underwear.
That time my 4 year old was talking about when she grows up and gets married, and how on the wedding night after the party she and her husband would go back to their house, take their clothes off and…… put their pajamas on.
How about the time my three year old had blood on her nose after school, confessed to shoving a bean up there, which no one (including pediatrician) could find and we had to either wait 3 days (until the weekend) to see if it decayed or get her scoped. We waited two hours to get scoped (with me nursing newborn), her dad held her down and….no bean! After being cross-examined all day and saying NOTHING, she then says, “I think I felt it fall out while I was running at school.”
How about when my hubby and newly 4 year old son and I moved to a big new house with a huge beautiful yard in a fancy schmancy golf-course community and we were meeting our next door neighbors for the first time? All of us were gathered in the backyard chit-chatting and the neighbor’s wife gets suddenly wide-eyed followed by a huge grin and pats me pityingly on the arm. “Is he yours?” she says pointing. The kid has his back to us, in the middle of the yard, bare-bummed — peeing.
Actually don’t choose that to pictify, just needed to share the giggle.
My brother got sick to his stomach and instead of walking 4 more steps to the bathroom, threw up in the kitchen sink, on the shutters and all over the kitchen floor. My dad, woke up with a start, ran down the stairs (in only his skivvies), slid threw the puke and did a whole dance trying not to fall in the puke, while gagging loudly and yelling for my mom. I hid on the stairs, gagging and crying laughing, while my mom cleaned it up, crying laughing while my Dad stood at the basement door, gagging loudly. Priceless.
H (the mom): We are at Salvation Army to drop this stuff off and look for an UGLY sweater.
AA (the prissy 4yr old): I don’t wear ugly sweaters!!
H: Well that’s good because this is for me and the party is only for moms. So you don’t have to wear one.
AA: (screaming and almost in tears) NO!! No one can wear an UGLY sweater!!! It is not acceptable to be tacky in public!!!!
Or try this one….
AA: Mom, I had a great time at Pre-K yesterday!
H: Good…
AA: But I am really mad we didn’t do REAL math…like addition and stuff.
H: Oh. (5 minutes pass)
AA: Mom! I have 19 toes!!!
H:
The time I was a teenager baby siting my little sister in town. She had to pee – I was rushing her to a toilet – she dropped trow in the main street and peed – I kept walking – humiliated – the end
When I was potty training my daughter My son was a newborn. So she was sitting on the little potty and decided to stand up mid pee while at the same time I was changing an assplosion diaper from my son. As I am yelling at her to sit back down on the potty my hands have my sons poop on them and all the sudden I hear my dog puking by the back door. That was the day of the 3 P’s, pee, poop, and puke.
We were shopping for a new car with our two year old. I returned from the test drive and he immediately start talking about the “dirty, yellow butthole” his father showed him. I finally asked him WHERE did this happen and he pointed to the BACKHOES outside. It got a huge laugh from all the salesmen in the room.
We were shopping for a new car with our two year old. I returned from the test drive and the boy immediately started talking about the “dirty, yellow butthole” his father showed him. My concern escalating, I finally asked him WHERE did this happen and he pointed to the BACKHOES outside. It got a huge laugh from all the salesmen in the room.
That’s hilarious, we’re always misunderstanding what my son is talking about! When we took ours car shopping we pretty much decided we would never take him anywhere again, lol. Boys are so mischievous!! He ended up finding the light switches in the show room and turned them all off, I was thinking oops sorry, I’ll just turn them back on. Well they happened to be those lights like they have in school gyms that take 20 mins to come back on :-/ I was so embarrassed and felt terrible because there weren’t offices, everyone worked in cubicles so no one could see anything for awhile, lol.
my son, about 3 at the time, started yellinng from the bathroom when getting undressed. “Mommy, you have to come and see this” You never know as a mommy what to expect when you here that from a 3 year old. When I go to the bathroom he excitedly said “Mommy there are balls in here, why are there balls in here” While he was holding his testicles.
That time when daddy went to the bathroom, leaving me alone with my 4yr old and 1.5 yr old. 1.5 yr old runs to the cable box, turns it off; while I go and turn it back on, he runs and starts throwing fistfuls of cereal in the air; while I go get the vacuum to sweep up the cereal, he dumps coffee all over the carpet; while I mop up the coffee, he starts playing with the electrical socket and the plugged in vacuum. When I run over to stop him from doing that, he bolts and starts climbing the vacuum like it’s some sort of mountain. After I grab him, sweep up the cereal, finish cleaning up the coffee, and check on my 4yr old who had been watching TV zombified this whole time, daddy returns and says ‘What’s the matter with you? Did something happen while I was in the bathroom?’
Our 3 year old was playing with a tall box that she got from her car seat. She wanted to get in the box but couldn’t reach so I told her to “knock the box down” She knocked on the side of the box starting at the top moving to the bottom and looked at me like “now what”. I told her “no I mean push it over”. She pushed the box sliding it over a few feet. I put the baby down and tipped the box over, she crawled in and we all lived happily ever after.
You don’t realize how many times we say things that we don’t mean literally until You have an autistic child.
Story #2 involves my not happy to be grocery shopping daughter, rummaging through my purse and throws a tampon at the cashier when asked if she’d like a balloon. The next day, while I write a check for a/c repair guy, she opens up a mega-maxi pad with wings and tells the dude, “mommy’s privates have a bad boo-boo!” Mortifying.
That day-before-Christmas morning when the smoke alarm woke me up at 5am because my three year old was shoving crackers into the toaster because he had already used up two and a half loaves of bread to make “A hundred and one pieces of toast, Mama!” and had shoved them all in the freezer because they were too hot. (Mind you, he’d had to houdini his way through two baby gates and a closed pantry and a high shelf to even GET the toaster, the bread, or the crackers). Along the way, between the bedroom and the kitchen, he managed to single-handedly unwrap every last present under the tree, and this was the year I’d decided to use paint and stamp-cut potatoes to Martha Stewart brown paper grocery bags into hand-made giftwrap, and feed a handfull of Christmas candy to the dog, whose gastrointestinal response left a lasting impression on the brand-new pale beige playroom carpet.
That time my then almost-2-year old announced to an entire room of my friends that Mommy has a penis. (I don’t, by the way!
). I turned 50 shades of red.
One day I brought two live lobsters home. My two-year old was cautiously interested in them and watched from a distance as I put them in the sink, filled up a pot with water and put it on the stove to boil. The next thing he knew, I was cutting the rubber bands off the lobsters’ claws and dunking them head-first into boiling water. “Mama!” he sternly said, “You are making dose wobstas wery ouchy, Mama!” Um, well, yes; I hadn’t prepped him for that part and he otherwise had no idea where yummy lobster chowder came from.
A conversation over dinner.
Me (to my elder daughter): You need to eat five more bites before you can be excused from the table.
ED: How about this? How about I eat TEN more bites?
Me: That’s a deal!
Husband/Daddy: Eldest Daughter, make sure you take me with you to buy your first car.
I was backing out of our driveway on a snowy day and I hit one of the embankments of snow with the side of my car and said “Son of a BITCH.” I hear this little voice from the backseat say, “Mitch!” Both horrified and relieved I repeated what my 2-year old said, “Mitch!” and hoped he’d forget it.
Fast forward 30 minutes and we arrive at my mother-in-laws house, and as she opens the door, my darling child announces “Mitch!” proudly.
I shrug and do my best to look baffled.
My best friend and I have baby boys that are 3 weeks apart. When they were 5 and 3 weeks respectively, we drove 1.5 hours north to visit her daughter in the hospital (undergoing cancer treatments). I had just started using cloth diapers and I didn’t properly prep them (that is a blog in itself) so my son needed to be changed due to diaper repelling issues; I changed him in his flatly folded stroller. I took the diaper off, he proceeded to have some sort of fluid explosion – spewing EBF poop, pee, puke, and tears all at once – in his stroller, crammed next to a hospital bed in a tiny hospital room. My friend’s husband burst out into laughter while I was insistent that it was “NOT FUNNY!!!” while he insisted that “it is funny because we have been there before”. The nurse had to bring me a bath tub because hosing the 5 week down in the shower was not going to work. I was embarrassed but the parents of a sick child got the laugh they so desperately needed. We all laugh now. FYI – I work with my BFF now and just told her about this and she laughed as we remember the “poopsplosion of 2011″. Oh, and September is childhood cancer awareness month.
My husband and I were going away overnight at a hotel for our 5th anniversary. Our kids at the time were 4 and almost 2. My mother in law was supposed to watch the kids while we went. She ended up getting sick but said she would come over anyway. Overnight my daughter (the almost 2 year old) started yelling, “Fire, Nana, fire!” So my sick mother in law bolts up the stairs only to find that she had dropped her pacifier.
When I heard my son in the bathroom with water running and asked him what he was doing… “Washing the poop off my fingers” :-/
I was bathing suit shopping with my husband, son and daughter. I was looking over the stuff and so was my much younger daughter. She pointed to one she liked and said she wanted in. My son informed her, “These bathing suits are for girls with big lungs.” Big lungs= breasts.
When my son was born he had blue eyes, neither my husband nor I do… we went to a party and a woman says “Wow where did he get those blue eyes!?!” My 6yr old daughter at the time replies “We don’t know, we’re still trying to figure out who his father is”. Me = Mortified!!!
Oh, that is too cute!
My 3 year old loves swamp brothers because he loves snakes. We recorded and would watch it at night in the bedroom.So at the zoo he had a snake painted on his face and a lady asked him if he likes snakes. His answer yep my parents have a snake show in their bedroom every night. She raised raised her eyebrows and laughed!
My three year old hates to sleep so I have two sleep-related stories.
There was the one night almost a year ago (so just over age 2) he was WAAAY too willing to go to bed and since he wasn’t being noisy, we didn’t bother to check on him later. I had a message from my mom the next day asking if I knew he’d called her. He NEVER talked on the phone–until that night, apparently, as he’d snuck it out of my pocket, played a few games and called his grandma. When she answered, he talked for over 15 minutes (mostly gibberish) until she told him she needed to go and he said “okay, bye.” He slept the rest of the night.
The other story that sticks out is the time he had a cold and I’d put a bit of vaporub on his chest before nap time. Not thinking, I put it in the top drawer of his dresser. Not wanting to nap, he decided to play with it, using it to “paint” on his wall, door handle, and to spike his hair like he’d seen his uncle do. When I opened the door to check on him, I had a kiddo with a sticky and menthol-scented mohawk.
My three year old did that a few months back. Except he called my best friend. In Wisconsin. At two AM. When I was 8 1/2 mos pregnant. Gotta love kids!
The time when, in the middle of the winter, I decided to stop at the grocery store on the way home from work with my 3yo boy and 5yo girl. 3yo had an accident halfway through shopping, and while I had a pullup with me (amazing) I did not have any spare pants. Luckily, his sister was wearing leggings under her skirt, so my 3yo boy got to finish the shopping trip in purple leggings.
My mother had just come home from the hospital from having a hysterectomy. Due to scar tissue, her bladder was torn during the surgery, and she had to have a catheter for ten days afterward. That day, we happened to be babysitting my niece, Lilly, age three at the time. My niece saw her walking around, pointed to the catheter and said “Grandma, what’s that in your butt?”
For future reference- if a certain child yells “Mommy! Poop!” from his nap, he is not trying to tell you he needs to use the bathroom, he is warning you that when you open the door he is going to hand you poop. And when he says “More poop!” once you get him in the bathroom, he is not telling you that he needs to sit on the potty, he is warning you that you are about to step in additional poop he has just deposited on the floor. Heed his warnings. Learn from my mistakes.
1.) Every morning, Baby Girl wakes up, and the first thing she wants to do is nurse. Simultaneously, 80 lb greyhound decides he also wants to sit in Mommy’s lap. Mommy, 100lbs, has 20lb baby and 80lb dog-baby in lap. Daddy sits next to Mommy eating Pop-Tarts.
2) That time when I was 9 1/2 months pregnant and our one and only toilet stopped working. Baby Girl was right on Mommy’s bladder.
When my middle child (three and thankfully fully potty trained) was going through his potty training stage, we used the method of just letting him wear easy-to-remove shorts; no underwear, no diaper. One day I’m busy in the kitchen and he comes in and says “Here, mommy”. I, my attention diverted, simply hold out my hand, into which he drops a clump of poop. My husband, who was sitting in the next room proceeds to laugh his ass off as I clean his hands, my hands, and the floor where I immediately dropped the poo after having it handed to me.
rofl that is so similar to my post. Its nice to nice someone else been thru the same thing =D
That time I was trying to potty train my youngest son and I told him not to go poo in his buzz lightyear underware and later that day he comes and places in my hand some poo and he says “I not go poo on buzz”
My almost-two-year-old does not have a athletic gene in his body, but really likes to throw things. We don’t watch sports either, but, thanks to other family members, he CAN tell the difference between “Bask-ball!”, “Foot-ball!” and sometimes even “Bay-ball?”, but doesn’t know the specifics of the games. Last week, while in a restaurant, a football game was on, and at every tackle (and replay!), he said “Uh-oh! They fall down!” My compassionate, non-athletic little child.
That time we were visiting relatives out of state and I fell asleep on their couch while my 2 year old son was watching a Dora marathon in the same room. When I woke up he had painted his entire body and an eight foot section of my sister-in-law’s carpet with her very expensive and extensive collection of nail polishes. I have pictures that would blow your mind.
I have 2 kids, ages 4 and 5 who are pretty much like twins (although 1 boy, 1 girl and 16 months apart). They used to argue all the time about who would get to do something first and who would do it next. This became problem-some, so we started the phrase, “It doesn’t matter.” One day I hear BOY-age 5 say to GIRL-age 4, “You just took all my cars and my blocks and I have NOTHING now!” GIRL-age 4 replies louder with, “IT DOESN’T MATTER!”
Okay, so I have three. Take your pick.
Brunch many years ago (on a Sunday), in small town Alabama with my Dad and my then 4 year old brother. Everyone was dressed in their Sunday best, having just come from Church. We are sitting in the middle of the restaurant looking over the menus, when my brother innocently asks my father, ‘Dad, do they have sh** here?’ EVERYONE stops, turns, and looks at us. My father responds “JORDAN!” (my brothers name), and my brother comes back with…’What? I just want to know if they have sh** here Dad.”
My son is now five, but went to ‘preschool’ before starting kindergarten. One day, I arrive to pick him up after work and am pulled aside by the teacher, she says “We had some problems today….” She then proceeds to tell me that not ONLY did my son decide to walk around class singing apparently every curse word known to man in a three part harmony, but also decided during playground time….that the playground was his toilet. Yup, pulled his pants down on the playground…and decided it was as good a place as any to poop.
A few years ago, one of my dearest friends asked me to babysit her son who was 2 and a half. So, I went over with my son, who was three and decided in order to make life easy on myself, I would order Chinese on the corner and walk the half a block with the kids to pick it up. We were walking back when her son complained his feet hurt, so I put my son down, picked hers up and proceeded to cross the street with the food and my purse in one hand, holding her son and my son’s hand with the other. My son protested being put down, by SITTING down in the middle of the street and refusing to move (this is downtown DC BTW). I ended up picking him up, holding her son’s hand and the food the rest of the way home with the other hand, while my son proceeded to pull my hair and hit me in the face with it the whole way home…I had no free hands to stop him….it was the longest (and now funniest) half block of my life.
That time I taught my son to sing Jesus loves me for church and when he gets on stage he grabs the mic and begins to sing Scooby Dooby Do. He sings the entire song while the cogregation rolled with laughter and tried to sink under the pews.
My nephew Charlie and his parents came to visit from Nebraska. I planned a visit to the premier local amusement park. Charlie was 2 years old- I had found an old stroller for him- dated, but clean. Charlie got stung by a bee! My brother and pregnant sister-in-law were worn-out by the experience…
My son peeing on the front lawn of our state capital?
My niece with her Nana in a public bathroom asking about Nana’s butt hair? And then Nana pooting and niece stating “Nana you did not have to do that” LOL
My 5 year old’s pet was nearing the end of it’s life, and she was crying. We took her to breakfast, and the waitress asked what was wrong. We told her that our pet was very sick and dying, and the waitress looked very sympathetic, until she asked what type of pet it was. “It’s my hissing cockroach named Sally.” Sadly, there is very little sympathy in the world for dying pet cockroaches.
Its Sunday morning, my husband asks our almost 4 year old son if he’s ready for some football. 4 year old replies “NO” so husband tells son that there are cheerleaders and I ask if he likes pretty girls. Son replies “Yes, I especially like buttocks”.
While at the pizza restaurant, my 14 month old son goes up to this GORGEOUS guy and screams “Daddy!” then proceeds to give him a hug. Needless to say, his beautiful date did not appreciate this, and after I managed to grab my son, apologize, and walk away – the entire restaurant heard a loud SLAP. She then stormed out of the restaurant. We go to the other side of the restaurant and sit with daddy and the grandparents and have to explain the entire incident.
We were at the library putting the books into the deposit chute. As I was putting the books in, my stomach growled because I had forgotten to feed myself. My three year old heard the noise and thought it was a fart. He says (loudly), “Are you sure you don’t have to go poop, Mommy?” We had been potty training about a month and that’s what we always asked him.
My two year old potty train son pees everywhere. Cars, rocks, outside, inside, on a toilet, with a fox (maybe, I don’t know), with his dad on the side of the house (this is true). While peeing together, my son looks up at my husband and says, “Cheers dad? Cheers?”
I was in the kitchen cooking and my two kids were playing so nicely together, not even quietly together. I come out and they have my boxed collection of all ten seasons of Friends on the ground and are shuffling the DVD’s. I wanted to die.
My kids and I were walking out of the grocery store during the Holidays and one of the Salvation Army guys was ringing his bell by the doors. My 3 year old covered her ears and yelled “Stop ringing that bell, you’re annoying me!” Yeah, we were all thinking it..
We signed up for the CSA produce basket and went to the farm to look around so the kids could see where the food was coming from. As we’re leaving my baby, who is 2, was watching them milk a cow. He said in that loud voice that only 2 year olds have, “Look, that cow is PEEING in a bucket.”
My nephew Charlie (aged 5) took a bath in my tub, but I had no toys. It was lots of fun, though, making inappropriate noises with an old water bottle. Charlie likes to hold a bean bag I gave him around his waist and tell us he’s got a, “big booty”. He wears little t-shirts his Dad’s boss made for his business- with, “Charlie” above the pocket, also has Carharts and, “working boots” for when it’s time to work. And he has a garden in his backyard where he grows a varietal of tomato he enjoys with his lunch.
I have a 4 year old son and an 18 month old son. Both are obsessed with my boobs, nipples, 2 large moles on my chest, and my belly button. They both have done/said a variety of embarrassing things in public concerning these obsessions like wanting to show off my saggy belly and even saggier boobs to others(both), confusing my moles with my nipples(4 year old), or insisting on giving me a rasberry with a lifted shirt in public to the point of a fit (toddler).
ARGH!! my daughter yelled out in church, “is that your nipple????” while poking the mole on my collarbone. Needless to say I felt like crawling under the pew and dying.
Kathleen- the (almost) EXACT thing happened to me, except while a young 20 y.o. was ringing up our purchases at a store. I have a mole on the back of my neck that my son was messing with. he said – “your nipple is very wiggly!” He’s 4 – he should know that is a mole and not a nipple!
Gross. Maybe you should stop letting it all hang out in front of the boys at home. ew.
As a preschool teacher , I heard this request from the boys room… ” Miss Sue, Miss Sue , my poop is stuck ! Can you pull it out , PLEEAASSEE !!!!”
lol. now my brain is doing gymnastics thinking about how you could help and who has helped before that he could make the request! 8-/
I’m so glad I’m not a pre-school teacher.
Potty training my two year old monster son-see a suspicious lump in his underwear. I ask if he pooped, and he yells, “NO!”, so I hesitantly look in his pants, only to find half of a (non plastic)Easter egg shell…in September. I ask where the egg came from, and he runs of yelling “I poopied eggy! I poopied eggy!” I still have no clue where the other half is.
while in labor with my one and only child, i told the nurse i thought i had to poop.
nurse: “no, you’re not pooping. everything is fine.”
me: “i think i’m pooping! i really think i’m pooping!”
nurse: *pats me on the arm* “you’re not pooping, dear. you’re having a baby!” *looks down into my nether regions* “oh wait, you did poop a little!”
i may have never had a baby before, but i *have* pooped before.
Lol I was literally crying and refusing to push because I didn’t want to poop, I begged to go to loo. The ONLY way I could birth my daughter was I decided to push and poop On the floor just to be right…. nope…. baby.
When my son was almost 3, he asked one day if I could fill up a bucket with water so he could play with squirt guns in the house. I explained we have to play outside with them, or else the floor gets wet. After some time had passed, I found him in the bathroom, water everywhere, EXCEPT on the floor, which he happily pointed out to me. He was always good with finding loopholes
wow you have so many to read through/choose from!
“Poop and Puke in 5 Minutes Flat”: One day I picked up the kids (ages 2 and 4) at daycare, get home and my 4-year-old says “momma there’s poop in my panties!” It.is.everywhere…. like, throw-the-panties-and-the-shorts-away poop accident. Then I get the dogs [2 small shihtzus] out of their crate and they’ve pooped/diarrahea’d in there…. so I clean *that* up. My daughter is poop-smell sensitive and proceeds to puke in the middle of the floor. A few moments later – my 2-year-old toddles up to me and says “Mama, clean my poop!”
Both my 3 year old and my 18month old are obsessed with hiding under my bed sheets. They cannot see me lying down resting in my very confortable bed because they climb up the bed and ask me to hide under the sheets because boogey man is coming. I love to see their faces whenever I play along with it but at 6am boogie man is sleeping!!
Contest: Crappy Teens: In August went on a family vacation to FL Panhandle Beach with 4 teens. Teens stayed inside all day in hoodies and sweat pants watching 16 and Pregnant and Honey Boo Boo, Facebooking, and texting. Oh, and eating – 4 1/2-gallons of ice cream, 5 bags of chips, 3 cans of onion dip, 3 boxes of Poptarts, and 5 12 packs of Diet Coke. And the crappy 14 year old had the nerve to say to me “Really? Another beer?”
When my niece was 3 years old her paternal grandfather died. Her maternal grandfather died before she was born and her maternal grandmother had re-married a man named Denny. My husband and I babysat her wile her parents attended the funeral. That day she solemnly looked at me and said “I don’t want Denny to be my grandfather anymore,” and when I asked why she said, “Because all of my grandfathers die and I don’t want Denny to die because I love him.” I found this to be incredibly touching coming from a 3 year old and really shows how smart kids are.
I’ve got two, both are my lovely neice. One: I was helping my sister out by changing a poop diaper. I had just gotten her all cleaned up and was about to put the new diaper on when I noticed her butt opening up (odd, I know, but I’m sure all mommies know what I mean). She pooped again and I had to start all over.
And two: My sister had to run into the CVS real quick. She had to go “potty”, so of course my neice (who had started potty training) “needed” to go too. After she went, my sister got to. My neice then started to yell (YELL) “Mommy! You stink!” then “Why do you have hair on your butt?” Then as they were basically running out, my neice stops and looks down the front of her pants and says, in front of God and everyone, “Why don’t I have hair pn my butt?!”
My sister was quizzing my then 1 1/2 yr old son on animal sounds…what does a lion say, what does a dog say, etc. when she really wanted to stump him, so she says, “What does a penguin say?” My son looks at her, very seriously, really concentrating and then broke out into a tap dance, like Happy Feet!
That time we traveled overseas for the first time with our 18 month old and I left our passports in the seat-back pocket only to realize it while in line to enter the U.K. I accidentally ran through restricted sections of Heathrow airport while my husband sat with the 18 mo old next to detained escapees from Iraq.
Against my better judgment, we ate at a buffet restaurant, and we all had tummy troubles for about 24h after. The next day, we were applying for our mortgage and my son “rid himself” of the bad food (i.e. POOP WATER), through his dipe, all over himself, me and our mortgage office’s floor. To clean him up…teeny bathroom with a pedestal sink! Loan officer handed me carpet cleaner and paper towels *right after* the truth-in-lending part where they tell you that after 30 years of interest the total mortgage will cost exactly one bajillion dollars.
I’m a little in love here with the way your son “stuck it to the man”. Whole new meaning to the Occupy Movement.
Haha! No need to occupy. Just leave your mark
First family trip on a plane, flying up to visit hubby’s family in New England. The baby wasn’t yet a year old, so we held him on our laps for the flight. He was sweet and wonderful and quiet the whole flight (thank goodness). When we were deplaning, the man in the seat across the aisle from me (he was probably in his early 70s) looked at my son and then me and smiled and said, “Aren’t grandkids the best?”
Ooof — time to start dying my hair again?
NOOOOOO! That’s right up there with me constantly being asked if I’m pregnant (I never am). As a 42 year old mom with a 3 and 6 year old I’m sure that question is next. Oy.
Things you never thought you’d have to say, for example, “Get that fork out of your ear.”
I have three kids and have said some crazy things. You have people who read the comments, so I’m saving the best ones for the post (if you pick me).
None of them have to do with poop, pubes or puke. WHAT is with your readers and poop?
Hahahahahahahahahha!!! I was thinking the SAME thing!!!
I agree! Too many poop stories. I am just visualizing the 4 teens in hoodies texting on vacation!
When my son was 1 and some change he developed croup, at night on a Sunday (of course). We took him to the nearest ER (where I had had my appendix out a few years before, so we knew them there LOL). When they go to weigh him, we are taked to the room with the baby scale, only to find that it is doubling as the waiting room for 2 prisoners and 2 gaurds (this is Deleware, not a big city or anything). I smile try to make small talk while not ever letting go of my baby. The next day at the follow up, our pediatrician asks what the children’s hospital did for us the night before…yes, the nationally known, highly respected children’s hospital that was 5 minutes down the road and to which we did NOT go. What??
I find my toddler hiding (yes hiding) in the garage drinking pancake syrup straight from the bottle. When I scold him he says “but Mama it tastes good in my mouth.” (Duh!) This was the same child who decided to wake up at 4am. I was hoping for an early nap but that’s shot now with the ingestion of liquid sugar. I need a new pantry door lock and some diet coke.
I have 2 girls, ages 3 and 8. The older one has always called her private parts her “little butt” and I’ve never corrected her. Her little sister does it now too. It’s very confusing to babysitters, teachers, etc. but most of them figure out what they mean. Of course, it leads to lots of funny questions like: “mommy, why is your little butt so hairy?” and “daddy, what’s wrong with your little butt?”
Lately we’ve been branching out into the realm of TV beyond Nick Jr. One night, my daughter, Rosie (age 5) and I were watching What Not to Wear on TLC and a commercial for a new show about conjoined twins came on (http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/tv/abby-and-brittany/videos/abby-brittany-sneak-peek.htm). I panicked, not really expecting to have to explain medical anomalies to her that particular evening. When it came on, Rosie stiffened up and stared intensely at the TV. In my mind, I hastily prepared a speech for her about how “God makes all kind of special people in this world… blah blah.” When the commercial was over, she turned to me, gasped and said breathlessly, “Mommy, did you just see that?!”
“Yes, sweetie-” poised on the edge of my prepared speech when she interrupted…
“I wish I had two heads!”
Oops. I broke the 5 sentence rule. Sorry!
HA HA HA HA! (Personally, I hope you don’t get disqualified for the 5 sentence rule. That was awesome.)
The best, so far, with the hoodie teens one!
AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Awesome!
LOLLOL! that was the funniest one so far!
That time when I flew with my potty-training 2 year old to meet my husband across the country, while having to maneuver the car seat, her diaper bag, her little backpack, and my large hiking backpack, which had her potty seat clipped on the outside with a carabiner. After being rerouted for the third time in 2 hours, I was trying to reach my husband on the cell phone to tell him to change the car rental to his name, when I caught sight of little one out of the corner of my eye. She had unclipped her potty seat, taken it next to the desk at the gate, had her pants around her ankles, and was taking off her diaper while squatting. Poor hubby didn’t realize why I had to hang up on him while lunging in (what seemed like) slow motion towards the impending disaster. Luckily, the other passengers were crying with laughter, also speechless, and disaster was averted.
LOL! I love this just for the fact that you used a carabiner to clip a potty seat to your backpack
That awkward moment when my husband sits down at the laptop and says, “What’s this on the screen?”, and proceeds to clean it with his licked finger. Then I remember, it’s my breast milk.
Ha!
LOL! going on a trip soon and storing milk while gone. Husband sayz, “want me to keep an old milk jug?” because that wouldn’t be awkward explaining that to my room mates.
I have five stories (per my son, who loves your blog and is excited by the prospect of having our stories crappified) to share, I will post each separately.
Story #1 – the Zombie Effect
While pregnant, I had vivid dreams of zombies (Ok, this was after a night of watching zombie movies with friends) and woke up convinced that there was a zombie in my shower. Wee hours of the morning and I need to pee (because I am pregnant) and I cannot convince myself that there is no zombie hiding in my shower (regardless of the fact that said zombie would have had to pass by the bed to GET to the shower, passing up my tasty brains on the way). Woke up my husband and asked him to go into the bathroom and tell me it was all clear and only after him asking several times did I admit I thought there was a zombie in the shower. Fast forward to me telling our five -year-old this story, he now chases me around with his arms in front stating “I am a zombie. I’ve come to eat your brains.”
in which my kids (aka alarm clocks) sleep in for the first time in forever, of course on the morning i have an early meeting. in the mad dash, one sings to the other Mr. Rogers’ “it’s you i like.” i stopped and listened to the whole thing. one of those little dear moments of parenting. even if i was late to the meeting…
It is a weekend morning: my boys (2 and 4) bust into Mom and Dad’s room, calling for “Mama,” but they don’t see me since I am snuggled with my husband(!) on the far side of the bed and putting my head under the covers. 4-year-old: “We have a problem.” They proceed to then climb onto the bed to let Daddy know they are hungry, but they still don’t see me though they are both now unknowingly climbing over my legs. 4-year-old, hitting my theigh: “What’s this big lump?” Dad is able to contain his laughter and get the boys out of the room to have breakfast.
While playing outside, my daughter handed me something and said, “Rock.” Super excited at a new word that she both understood and could say out loud, I said, “Yes, sweetheart. Good job. Rock.” Only to look down and find that what she had indeed handed me was not a rock but in fact a prehistoric dried out dog turd.
After watching my husband and I stuff our faces with Oreos one night, our daugther picked up on how to dip cookies in milk. The next day, I walk into the bathroom to find her taking a foam bath letter “O” and dipping it into the toilet and then putting it into her mouth. Honey, that is not a cookie and that is NOT milk.
Hahah that’s a good one!
I have a 10 mo old who is toilet OBSESSED. I now feel much better – thanks
Story #2- Late for School
My son is constantly rushing out of the house every morning for school, since we walk there and it’s only a few blocks away, so we can run if we have to. One morning I’m rushing him (per usual) and we get out the door and start walking to school. There is no one else around, no crossing guard, no other kids on their way to school, nothing. We’re nearly there when I look at my phone to check the time and realize – I’m a half hour early. For the next month he asked me every time we left the house “are you sure it’s the right time, mom?”
Well, it seems bodily functions are a popular topic, and I am afraid mine will also fall into that arena. I have two little boys too – what choice do I have? So…my own crappy boy has discovered the hilarity of farts. Also, his own ability to invent jokes is developing. In an effort to encourage him, I made the grave error of laughing at his newest fart joke. He walks up to me and says “Mama guess what?” I say “What?” and he proceeds to let out a rather impressive fart. Ha Ha. Well it bit me – The teachers at his school do not find it as amusing and he has been asked to stop using the fart word and otherwise farting at the teachers at school….sooooo embarrassed.
Our older daughter gets up before us and makes breakfast for herself in the morning. One day, we came down and found her in the pantry, and it looked like she was choking. She had shoved an entire candy bar in her mouth and hid the wrapper. When we asked her what happened, she said through tears of panic, “I don’t know how this candy bar got in my mouth!” She still denies any involvement in eating that candy, and months later, I found the wrapper for a Payday in one of her change purses.
Story #3 – Super Family Story Time
I like to make up stories for my son and I completely pander to my captive audience of a five-year-old boy taking a bath. Shortly after my daughter was born, there would be nights where I’d be breastfeeding her while he was bathing, since hubby was working late. We were making up a story together about our family as superheros fighting crime and assigning each member superpowers. The baby had supercuteness that stunned bad guys, the boy could fart and shoot poop at the bad guys, the dad had excellent fighting skills (and he could fly). My superpower was assigned after careful thought – “You can shoot milk from your boobs, mom!”
Took my toddler to on-campus child care where she decided to leave me M&Ms as a surprise in the pen pouch of my backpack. In class, I went to get my pen and instead got fingers smeared with chocolate. The only thing I had to wipe the melted chocolate off was the spare pair of undies I kept for my toddler. In walks the professor…with me holding a pair of undies with melted chocolate smeared on both them and my hand. Suddenly, I realized what i looked like, in a class filled with non-moms.
LOL, awesome
Am literally LOL! That is pure awesome!!
LOL i love it! those pesky people who don’t have kids just dont think its quite as amusing as us moms! hang in there!
Went to the bathroom, 1 1/2 yr old daughter grabs the dog pooper scooper and decides to ride it like a broom. Am I in trouble?
1. Trying to play hide and seek from my 4 year old grandson, while holding my two year old grandson.
2. Hiding in the pantry.
3. two year old sees all the food, “YUM, YUM, OO”.ooo and so on.
4. Grand mom (or could be mom) says “Shhhh. we’re hiding”. Which makes two year old be even louder.
5. Found instantly by 4 year old grandson. Moral of the story: Just can’t play hide and seek with a two year old.
In a dressing room with my 5 year old and 5 month old…feeling all kinds of fat trying on clothes with my lovely postbaby body. My 5 year old asks what’s wrong and I tell him I look fat and I’m done trying on clothes. He looks at me with the most honest, sweetest face and says, “Mommy, I don’t think you look fat…I mean, everyone else probably does, but I don’t.” Thanks, lol!
Bahahahahaha!!!!
Story #4 – Rhyming With Kids
When my son was younger, 2 or 3, we spent a lot of time rhyming. It was a great distraction technique as I could usually divert tantrums by inviting him to play a rhyming game with me. One person would make a rhyme and then the other person, no repeating words. At dinner one night we’re sitting there and I am trying to finish my dinner while he is still at the table so I start the game with “Shoe” and “do”, he continues with “door” and “whore”, all I could do was smile and tell him “good rhyme” since I knew he was just using a sound to do the rhyme and had no idea what the word meant. Later I told my husband and we laughed our asses off.
I did the same thing only rhyming with ‘luck. I caught myself two bad words in and had to keep going without cracking up so the 3 yr old wouldn’t catch on. Lol
Story #5 – A Tree Falls on My Head
Umm, yeah. that’s pretty much all of the story I remember. My son still giggles thinking about it, but I have zero recollection of this anymore. So, that’s the story.
My two year old son and I took a shower together one day. Afterwards, he said to me, “Mommy, I has one penis! And Daddy has one penis, and Mommy has one penis!” I said, “No, Mommy doesn’t have a penis.” He said “Oh, right. Just fuzz.”
Hahahaha! Love it.
LOL
My husband took our 2 1/2 year old twins and 3 year old daughter to a jumpy play center. The twins were potty training, so were wearing that thick, absorbant underwear, but not a diaper; he failed to put a diaper on them while out in public. Izzie pooped in the underwear, then slide down one of those huge inflatable slides, speading poop the entire way down. He was given cheap paper towels and a spray bottle to clean crappy baby and literally crappy slide up.
BAHAHAHAHA! Best one yet!
We listen to music in the car that sometimes ends up having bad words in it (WHAT?!). When this happens, I say “bleep” because I am a responsible parent. My older child thinks this is very silly. My younger child, however, made a point of saying, “it’s okay, Mom, I bleeped,” after Dad let an f-bomb slip.
One morning I walked in to discover my son completely naked, the contents of his very full diaper were EVERYWHERE but in the diaper. Having just woke up, I quickly ran to the bathroom before beginning the massive clean up effort that would now be my morning. Between standing up and flushing the toilet, my cat came tearing into the bathroom and tried to use the toilet lid to jump up to the window. The toilet lid was still up.
I just snorted water up my nose reading this one! hahaha
best one I’ve read so far!! Still chuckling several minutes later…
The time I tried to take a nap the same time as my 4 month old. I kept getting interrupted again, and again, and again, and again, and again….then the baby wakes up. Sigh! Figures fate didn’t want mama to rest! And the weirdest stuff woke me up (a banging noise on the fridge, 3 buzzers, phone call – I don’t get those often!, etc.)
Fun times at the playground today with my 4 year old boy wearing a dark blue shirt and tan shorts. We are there maybe 10 mins when a school field trip invades with 40 kindergarteners and 1st graders all wearing the school uniform of Navy Polos and Khakis. So he’s impossible to keep and eye on in a mass of kids wearing the same outfit approx the same size. I’m pushing toddler on the swing and I spot him “watering” the grass not 6 feet away from the restroom. We leave shortly afterwards and get stopped on the way out by a teacher thinking I was a kidnapper.
One time, I forgot there was a field trip and my 7yo son needed to wear his formal uniform to school, and when the school called me and I knew there was no way I could get back there in time with his proper uniform. They told me that had plenty of extras in the nurse’s office he could borrow, so the nurse sent the clothes down to his class and problem solved. Only, when I picked him up from school that day he was wearing a GIRLS uniform. No, not the jumper or anything, but girl pants with the little button pocket and white shirt with the rounded collar. My son’s response? “It’s okay mom, I’m so cute nobody cared.”
#1: When my boy was about 2 1/2 we were driving home, and there was a car parked in the left median of the on ramp. He looks at the car and says “dang momma that car is stuck in the grass”. I told him “yes it is baby”, he procedes to tell me “yep….it must be a woman”. This HAS to be something that he got from his grandfather!
#2: My girl (3) has insomnia, she woke up one night and got the cheese, butter, eggs, and chocolate syurp out of the fridge. She busted the entire dozen of eggs in the hallway, and poured the entire bottle of chocolate syrup on the floor beside brothers bed. I’m thinking she was trying to make a cake, needless to say we now have a lock on the fridge.
So… My almost-3 year old is very interested in assigning who owns certain things, as well as bodily functions. So the other day when I was getting him ready in the morning, I let out a little fart. And next thing I know he’s yelling at the top of his lungs “Fart! Fart! That’s Mommy’s Fart!”. I could hear my husband cracking up in the next room.
ohhh this is great so you need to be careful when alowing your kids to bathe with other kids you may have to explain more than you want. My BFF was over and our boys were just nasty, bath time was decided for all I mean really you couldn’t see boy for all the dirt and mud. Her sons were younger and mine older and very verbal. Convo went like this, MOM, yes, WHY DOES HE HAVE SUCH A CRAZY PENISE??? oh no I forgot her boys are not circed and mine are. I explain, she tries to explain it just gets worse from there. It all ends with this….it’s ok you can have a penis like mine one day if you want your mom said so. *sigh* really you have to be careful cause explaining stuff to 4yr olds is tricky LOL
My two year old son was starting to explore the upstairs and having night time escapades after he was put to bed. We would hear the floor squeaking above your head from downstairs as he traveled ‘quietly’ from room to room, doors shutting, and drawers opening. When we’d run upstairs to ‘catch’ him, you’d here thump, thump, thump as he ran to his bed. We’d say, ‘what are you doing out of bed?’ his reply was ‘what are you doing upstairs?’
My 2 yr old daughter (now she’s 11 !) decided to stick a raisin up her nose on her 2nd birthday. It swelled, so we had to take her to the ER where she stared down the Dr. and they eventually had to suction it out. She was so well-spoken they gave her 2 stuffed animals and plus it gave them something to do since it wasn’t really busy in the ER that night.
A friend with younger children asked for a suggestion on what to take to the doctors office to entertain her 2yo. I said “take cheerio’s, a juice box, and stickers” easy-peasy. That same day my 2yo threw the contents of an entier box of cheerio’s all over my bedroom floor and then cried and cried when I would not let him wear a firetruck sticker on his penis. Moral of the story: just when you think you got parenting figured out…you don’t!
LOL, so true
I can’t stop laughing at this one. Oh man, so good.
so we are allowed two here is my second one. I potty train my kids naked it’s just easier less to wash in the long run. Yet I began to question my logic the day Jehovios wittnesses showed up at my door and my son chose to jump up and down naked in my window. I was mortified explained they smilled left thier paper and went, it would have been fine but well lets say it happened about 5 more times before the kid was totally potty trained I swear they were sending people to my house on purpouse just to see the kid who liked to let it all hang out in the window it was HORRIBLE you can’t even imagine standing there trying to explain yes you have a church home as your child jumps naked up and down in the window *sigh*
This is from my blog:
As I am lying in my bed this morning, a little awake, but mostly still asleep, I hear a scream come from the living room. “MOMMA!!!! COME IN HERE!!!!!” I jump out of bed, about breaking my back, and sprint into the living room. As I make the long 15 foot sprint into the room, I see him lying on the couch, pillow under his head and blanket over his little body. “What?! What is it, honey?!” I say a tiny bit out of breathe, which is extremely sad! “I’m hungry” he says, as nonchalantly as possible.
I’m a big fan of Lego (Copyright symbol) and with 5 children over the years I have accumulated a lot of Lego sets which my older children have forgotten but I still build and play with my 2 toddlers. I also order special holiday sets that I plan for us to build and display yearly as a holiday tradition but not until the little ones are old enough for me to pass on my obsessiveness about not losing the pieces to these sets – a few years yet. But I couldn’t really wait, so last week I built my brand new Lego Haunted House (set 10228) in the middle of the living room on a regular day with my 2 yr old daughter and my 3.5 yr old son digging in to the pieces along side me. At the end of the build (and break and repair process) one small, non-essential, decorative detail piece was missing and I was totally cool with it – what a success! Then I decided (not entirely at random) to pull out all the furniture and clean the whole house, only to eventually find the missing piece in probably the first place I should have looked.
that post just makes me feel tired! Did you build a whole lego building, and clean the entire house, all in one day?!
The time I got congratulated for being pregnant, but wasn’t. Which meant that it was a tumor.
One morning when we were running late for school, my 2yo son decided to poop in the tub. With no time for a real scrubbing, I just rinsed it out and filled it with bleach water to disinfect until we got home, forgetting that our dog loves to sleep in the tub. Well, she decided bleach water wasn’t so bad, so when we got home, she came barreling out of the tub to greet us, leaving a trail of poopy bleach water all over the house. And all of this occurred before 10am and with only cup of coffee…my subsequent coffees contained a healthy dose of Bailey’s for the rest of the morning!
One poop story:
Four year-old girl decides to name her toy airplane Diarrhea, and the airplane’s friends are Pooparrhea and Flowerrhea. I notice that only two of the toys are interacting.
Mom: “Why aren’t those two playing with the other one?”
Girl: “They don’t like Flowerrhea because she isn’t named after a kind of poop.”
omgoodness you have to win, that is fantastic!
One non-poop story -
The scene: Watching the Blue Angels flying in the distance.
Mom: Look, they’re drawing in the sky!
Girl (3): I want to draw in the sky!
Mom: Maybe one day you can be a pilot and draw in the sky with your airplane.
Girl: I want to be a baby cow.
Awww!!!!
Entry # 2: My Kids watch too many 80′s movies!!!
6yo: “Daddy, can you build a time machine out of the swing set”
Daddy: “Of course, I’m Super Daddy, I can do anything.”
6yo: “Well I guess you could attach the flux capacitor to the side, but where are you going to find plutonium?”
Your kid is awesome!
I had a night that my husband had a meeting. He left, my daughter pee-ed on the floor, while cleaning that my one year old son got out baking soda and shook the box upside down on the floor, while cleaning that, the kids played and my son bonked his head, nearly vomited being so upset. I then gave them baths, and then while reading stories my son bonked his head on the dresser, got really upset again and then puked all over me. As soon as I got the kids asleep,I sat down, turned the tv on, my husband came home and said, oh, you sure had a peaceful night!
Hahahahaha! Don’t you love it when husbands do that?
Hmmm, love.
The time when I’m sitting in my bathing suit and my 5 year old remarks, “Look, mommy! The wrinkles on your bottom match the wrinkles on your feet!”
My sister, a mother of two girls, has a crush on my two-year-old boy. We are at her neighbor’s house for New Year’s Eve with a bunch of strangers and Sister is telling another guest in front of me how cute two-year-old is, how he would be oh so spoiled if he was hers because of said cuteness, etc. I then hear, “Mama! Mama!” – two-year-old has found some chocolate and it is now ALL OVER his face and hands. I am able to call my husband to get wet paper towels while I prevent chocolate being smeared all over this nice stranger’s house. When we are done, my sister is staring at two-year-old, eyes like little hearts.
I have no idea – it’s not like her girls are ugly or anything.
I have two for you:
When I was about 3, my mom and I were shopping for a mother’s day card for my maternal grandmother. At the time I was OBSESSED with Strawberry Shortcake, so naturally I pulled out the first one with Strawberry on the front and asked to get that one. Mom read it and told me “this is for a great-grandmother.” To which I replied “but my gramma is great!” The lady next to mom dared her to explain that one to me!
My six year old started grade one French immersion this year. Every day her father or I have to initial her agenda to say that she has completed her homework (usually just practicing letter sounds in French). Yesterday, she initialed it herself — with my initials! Six years old and already forging my signature *sigh*
I turned out to be pretty funny while in delivering my son. Some of the best comments include exclaiming that, “my vagina is HUGE!!” when they first brought the mirror in and, “my vagina should be bigger!!!!!” during that next contraction. It was even more amusing later as I am the type of person who would almost never say vagina in public, and I’m usually not that funny…
My daughter ran to me wailing.
I said “What’s the matter”
She told me her brother did a somersault.
I said “That’s nothing to cry about”
“But”,she sobbed,”I was on his shoulders”
We were on the road for a week fundraiser (we are missionaries) and I decided to cloth diaper the whole week. The 6 week-old-baby decided to wait the whole week to have a bowel movement…5 minutes before church started…in a little church…right before we presented! Needless to say, it was an emergency diaper/baby clothing/breastfeeding wrap/Boppy pillow/mama’s clothing/pew cleaning change in the middle of the church aisle! With my husband in the aisle and I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off!
As a fellow missionary, I just wanted to say that I am sorry that happened. Support raising trips are hard enough without baby problems!
The time I felt like a total d-bag because my son was so excited about putting his animals on the changing table after we went to bed and we just wanted him to sleep so we could go to bed – told from his point of view: http://theguppychronicles.blogspot.com/2011/08/adventures-of-guppy-and-animals-on.html
I’m used to a certain amount of pee surrounding our toilet, I have two boys, one of them being 3, so I clean it as often as I can. But last night I awoke in a cold sweat after having this terrible dream…the toilet and the wall behind and all the surface areas were all unmistakably covered with little boy pee…it was horrifying!
Yeah, that wasn’t a dream.
At least, it would not be a dream in my house.
While changing my daughters diaper, my crappy nephew looked on at her front and said,”she has a really little butt!”. I replied, yes, yes she does.
My family and I were in the car on the highway on our way to our week long vacation down the shore, with no rest stop for miles, when our 2 year old suddenly starts projectile vomiting in the backseat. I pull over into the tall grass on the shoulder and we proceed to pull her out of the car and clean everything off as best as we can with only a small stack of Dunkin Donuts napkins at our disposal as cars and trucks whiz by at 70+mph. We get back in the car and are driving for all of a minute when my husband points out a tick on my arm, which soon leads to us noticing ticks all over each other. There is no where to pull over now and we have nowhere to put the ticks we are picking off of each other, so we start emptying water bottles out the window and containing the ticks inside. 2 1/2 hours, a vomit covered car and 6 water bottles filled with ticks later, we finally arrive at the shore.
Took my firstborn to Target for a few things at 2 weeks old. She had a blow out diaper situation, turned out she was wearing a suit of poop. As a new mom, I had grossly underestimated the supplies I should have in my diaper bag, so after I ran out of wipes, I had to take the new “I love Daddy” outfit my mother-in-law had just bought her, wipe up the rest of the poop, and having no way to leave the store with it except to carry the wadded up poop rag in my hand, threw it in the trash and carried the baby out in a diaper and blanket. Lesson learned.
Most children will cut their own hair if they find a pair of scissors. My then 3-year-old daughter is much to smart to make herself look foolish. She cut an 8 inch chunk out of my hair instead.
My family was attending my niece’s First Holy Communion. The priest is talking about how God loves all children when, as if on cue, my 6-month-old lets out the unholiest of screams, like a bird of prey on a hunt. The whole church turns to stare at us and the priest says “yes even that one.”
Oh my! I bet you got some laughs then, good way to lighten the situation!
My breasts were horribly engorged after the birth of my first born daughter, to the point where they felt hard as rocks and leaked constantly. One evening I went to a baby shower for a friend and since my daughter was a month old and still nursing, I took her along. Time came to nurse and I positioned myself on their couch trying awkwardly to cover myself with a blanket and make my baby comfortable. Instead of latching on, she jerked her head causing my breast to bump over to the side. Nature took over, and I sprayed a constant, long, sharp blast of breast milk all over the back of my friends couch!
I had this happen to me at a book launch when my daughter was small. I had just started to feed her when some women at the front began to sing. She threw her head around to look and I nearly sprayed a whole bunch of nice men in suits and women in evening wear.
That time when my 1 year old pooped in the bath. So I lifted her out to clean the water only to see she continued pooping in the floor/towel. As I proceeded to clean that up, she ran out of the bathroom dropping pooplets all over the house.
Potty Aversion & How a Preschooler Reports His Day:
My 3-yr-old son has a strong case of potty-training resistance (to grossly understate it). On the first day of preschool this year, he happily reported he peed in the potty. I hoped the peer pressure would help with training, but no luck so far. Here’s a summary in his own words of a recent day: “I woke up right on time, played, had breakfast, went to preschool, peed a little in my diaper. And that was my day!”
We have been talking about how babies are made. And we have been talking about germs with our 3 year old.
Recently, after brushing her teeth, she turns on the water, turns to me and says:”mama, I have to wash the sperms off my face.”
*snort!*
When I was two years old, my mom and grandmother took me shopping at the mall. My mom left me with my grandmother, who had just had a round of shock therapy a week ago, while my mother went into a shop. She came back and I was gone (duh). They followed the trail of clothes I left behind because I guess I was just taking them off as I toddled through a giant mall. They eventually found me stark naked (no diaper, nothing) curled up in a bolt of fabric under a display table at Belk.
That made me laugh so hard!!!
Recently I was trying to exchange phone numbers with a mom I met at storytime. I think her son, who introduces himself as “J-A-C-K Jack”, would be a great playmate for my son, who regularly introduces himself as “Darren, D-A-R-R-E-N Darren.” While we’re trying to exchange numbers and our 1-year-olds are melting down, 3-yr-old D-A-R-R-E-N Darren yells, “MOMMY! Let’s go! You already have a husband!”
The time my 7momf dropped her pacifier at a Chinese restaurant, and 5a grown men go diving under the table to find it, unsuccessfully. You’ll have to email me for the conclusion!
My dryer stopped working two days after a massive power outage, and I was struck with the brilliant idea of utilizing my local (previously shunned) laundrymat – children in tow – to catch up on my 19 loads of laundry.
After bumbling my way through the start-up I discovered I needed to temporarily abandon my laundry in order to change my quarters back to dollar bills thereby giving a middle-aged woman the opportunity to steal my panties.
A tug of war ensued that left me shouting about how difficult it is to shop for bras and panties with children; a fight that really has no winners.
My children took to the laundrymat much like lint clings forever to the laundry room floor gorging themselves on vending machine food and making forever friends with the natives one shared lollipop at a time.
I drove home humbled, 19 loads of wet laundry in tow, wondering at what point my sanity had dribbled down the drain only to be pulled over by a well-meaning police officer who wanted me to know my two-year-old had been throwing wet underwear out the window for the last mile..
That one made me laugh really hard. Was the police officer, at least cute?
HA!
This is awesome – well, at least from my point of view!
That’s hysterical- totally something out of my life with 4 kids 5 and under!
I’m laughing, crying, and drooling all at the same time. That’s just too funny!
Setting: My very stodgy grandmother’s house, discussing my brother’s upcoming wedding to a girl my grandmother doesn’t like very much.
Action: My three year old daughter is twirling around the room saying “Ben is going to marry Brittany, but she doesn’t have a baby in her tummy! Not yet! But when he puts one there it will come out of her vag” when I catch her and manage to slap my hand over her mouth.
The time my husband called me “heartless” when my 14 mo daughter brought us a box of cookies she managed to get free from an “out of reach” shelf. She struggled to carry it one-handed while using her new sign (please). I had to explain to her that we don’t eat cookies just before bed while my husband stared adoringly at her.
Setting: My very stodgy grandmother’s house, discussing my brother’s upcoming wedding to a girl my grandmother doesn’t like very much.
Action: My three year old daughter is twirling around the room saying “Ben is going to marry Brittany, but she doesn’t have a baby in her tummyg! Not yet! But when he puts one there it will come out of her vag-” when I catch her and manage to slap my hand over her mouth.
Way back in the 80s, a woman named Barbara set off for a walk with her twin infants in one stroller and her toddler (that was me) in the other. The toddler loved to have her stroller pushed through puddles, so Barbara gave her a strong push through a big one, only to have the toddler bite in onto the road because the puddle had been concealing a pot hole. Barbara flew to the toddler’s aid, letting go of the other stroller in the process. The stroller containing the twins careened to the side of the road and tipped over. Just as a distraught Barbara managed to drag 3 wailing children home, her husband showed up, saw an overwrought wife and 3 crying children, assumed the kids were being punished for something, and started hollering at the kids demanding to know what they had done.
Errr, should say “bite IT,” not “bite IN”
So apparently I didn’t get the memo about how easy it is for a 17mo to lock herself in the bathroom (twice) in one morning. Or the part about how they enjoy doing it and in fact do it on purpose. When I finally found a pin to poke through the knob (after running around frantically thinking I needed to save her) to release her, she hid by the tub with a mischievous smile and didn’t even want to come out! This is just one example of why I am late to work every morning…
When I pick up my crappy kid (20mos) from daycare, he runs AWAY from me and has a spahgetti-leg tantrum. I’m embarrassed thinking the educators must think I’m a terrible mom (I’m not). The other kids run TO their parents, yelling momma, giving hugs. Yesterday, his “daycare friends” came over and patted his back after he flopped on the floor crying. Great, his “friends” think I’m terrible mom too and empathize.
At one my breastfed daughter was obsessed with boobs or “boo” to her. She would try to do an under the shirt check for them on anyone holding her. When out she would point to ALL of the ladies with boobs and say “boo”, she would point to the men and say, “no boo”. {loudly} Then came the fat man…and a loud “MAMA BOO!”
My husband needed me to drop off a check at the title company before they closed, so I dashed out very quickly with my one-year-old son. While we’re there, he starts to smell, so I find a restroom and start to change him. It’s all over his clothes (neck to ankles!) so I fish into the diaper bag for a change only to discover that I have no extra clothes and no diapers! In true MacGuyver fashion, I transform a plastic bib into a makeshift loincloth and scurry home. I’m still a bit traumatized, but I bet I’ll never leave the house without a spare again.
My 2.5 year old finds farts hilarious (as do we all). The other day she farted and exclaimed, “That’s a toot and a duck! There’s a duck in my bum!”
My four year old has a knack of embarassing me. On a shopping spree, she pulled down my pants…on a Sunday. Do you know how busy the Real Canadian Super Store is on a Sunday? I was wearing ratty old underwear.
Here is the story in all its glory…
http://www.mommysweird.com/2012/09/my-ratty-old-underwear.html
p.s thanks for the consideration, one of my “followers” demanded that I enter
Again, with my 2.5yo daughter. Upon seeing my husband naked for the first time (he’d just woken up and was climbing out of bed), she points and announces, “Daddy has a tail!” My husband thought I was going to give birth to our son right then and there I was laughing so hard. (Did I mention I’m very pregnant?)
Bwahahahaha!!!!! This is hilarious!
My daughter said the same thing when she saw dad in the bathtub! We both almost died with laughter!
I walk into my then 5 year old sons room to check on him,hes sitting criss cross and eyes closed with arms and hands extended,like meditating….I ask what are you doing? He says “Im masterbating mom…OMG! Where in the world he heard that word from I dont even know! I then explain to him he is meditating…not masturbating….LMAO!
4yr old son in bra section of walmart. With each hand on a bra cup he goes “Look at these all these chest holders mommy, I can hold these there are no chests in them!!!”. He then proceeds to annouce this while runing down the isle and touching every bra within reach.
Urine is salty. My 3 1/2 year old son had to go pretty bad and wasn’t situated properly on the potty before it was flying everywhere. I was sitting on the edge of the tub, leaning forward trying to help him. When he got my mouth, I screamed/yelped, the sound you make when someone pees in your mouth, was waving my arms around with face turned away trying to stop it. While he was still peeing all over my face and head, with eyes shut tight, I almost fell into the bathtub and all I could hear was hysterical laughter.
“You all are so athletic” – said our new tennis instructor, to us, a bunch of moms who have either never played or not played since our previous life of being single, footloose and carefree etc. We each smiled to ourselves, tickled pink that he thought so. Standing a bit taller, sticking out our chest more confidently, and sucking in our pooches ever so slightly, we strode and picked up our rackets, learnt the new crazy semi western grip that did not exist in *our day*, and as we flailed around like a bunch of uncoordinated children, hitting balls over the fence (can you say baseball mom?) we all wondered to ourselves if “athletic” was a euphemism for “You all cannot play for nuts but for moms you look pretty good in your tennis attire.”
I’m not a parent, because kids scare the crap out of me. I blame this solely on a incident when I was about 6 years old and my little sister was a baby. Being the oldest, with a stay at home dad, it was my job to help out with diaper changes, and lets just say that on that particular day, my dad looked away for two seconds, which was long enough for my little sister to push back with her legs and scoot herself right off the changing table and head first into the diaper pail. Luckily (or unluckily?) the diaper pail was full of dirty diapers to soften her landing, but it was me, and not my dad, who had to wash my crappy diaper covered little sister off in the bathtub. I was told it was because my dad had to “hold her up” and not because he was “afraid of poop”, but when I was often bribed with a quarter for every diaper I changed by myself, I tended not to believe him!
While at a party, my five-year old announces to everyone, “When I grow up, my woman (his future wife) will have hair just like yours, Mommy. Dark grey.”
I have 3 and 5 year old boys. Conversation yesterday with 3 year old:
Me: “Say When theres enough milk in yor glass.”
I start pouring, one drop hits the glass.
Him: “When!”
Me: “This is all the milk you want? No, you tell me when when there’s enough milk.”
I resume pouring.. two more drops or so hit the glass
Him “When!!!”
This continues… you get the idea.
My hubby’s (stuffy and very old) Aunts were in town and came over for our first ever visit. My 16 or so month old daughter had just learned to all about her vagina. Well, as I was changing her diaper on the floor of the living room, she got up, streaking and shouting and grabbing “ba-gina, ba-gina, ba-gina!!!!!”. These poor ladies were squerming in their sunday dresses!
One time, we took our 2 kids to Friendly’s for lunch, and at the end, my husband took our baby girl out to the lobby as she was getting fussy. As I tried to wrangle all the baby “essentials” out of the restaurant, I took my 3 year old son’s hand. He yelled out, “Help! Help! This lady is taking me!”
I have two young sons (ages 5 – almost 6 – and 3 years) that get up in the morning before I can roll out of bed. Also, I have two indoor cats that occasionally find mice that make their way indoors to their deaths; one cat kills them and the other cleans up the mess (then vomits it back up for me to clean later). One morning my boys got very excited and came running to my bed because they found a new cat toy downstairs… except it wasn’t a toy. The cat that usually eats the mice the other one catches was spending the night at the vet’s for observation. Right as I opened up my mouth to tell my oldest to drop it because it wasn’t a toy, he yelled “catch” and threw it at me.
Before my daughter learned to crawl, our cat found that it could sit just out of arms reach and keep a good eye on the baby. Once crawling was achieved, I tried to keep them apart unsuccessfully, while also teaching baby to pet nicely (supervised, of course). But inevitably baby speed-crawled over to the cat before I could stop her. Cat of course stood her ground, which ended in one incident of hair-pulling, baby screaming in my arms while pointing at the kitty and hollering, me trying not to laugh. Next day I turn around to find baby using a book to pet the kitty, I guess someone learned something after all….
When trying to potty train our son, husband decides to show him how awesome it is to pee outside. The most important right of passage as a boy. One day, I am sitting on the back porch enjoying our yard, and then I feel “raindrops”. Confused because there are no clouds. Then I hear from behind me, “Look Momma I peeing!”
When trying to potty train our son, husband decides to show him how awesome it is to pee outside. The most important right of passage as a boy. One day, I am sitting on the back porch enjoying our yard, and then I feel raindrops. I am confused because there are no clouds. Then I hear from behind me, “Look Momma I peeing outside!”
One day I was having a shower with my then three-year-old son. One-year-old baby sister was also in the bathroom, but she soon got tired of playing with the toys I had brought in for her and began to cry and fuss while she held on to the edge of the tub and peeked in on us. Her doting older brother began to talk to her to try and cheer her up; I wasn’t paying much attention to what he was saying, when suddenly I hear, “Oh! I’m a man! Look Juliette, that’s a penis!” I could not-stop-laughing. How kind of him to educate her about the difference between males and females at such a young age. =)
My toddler is just getting to the point where he wants to imitate me. He feeds the dog with a (disposable) spoon, making sounds just like I do when I’m trying to convince him to eat one more bite. During one such time, the suspicious Silence Of The Toddler fell, so I walked into the kitchen to see what he was doing.
Do you know what happens when a toddler feeds a beagle an entire tub of butter?
The time when our dog got sprayed by a skunk (close to midnight) and got inside making our home smell like a tire burning factory. My husband freaked out, went to the store, bought out the air freshener section and proceeded to dance around our family room spreading powder on the carpet and spraying air freshener in a circle “gangsta” style, stopping to toss his cookies every few minutes. He then would come to tell me (where I was washing the dog) that he threw up. Every. Single. Time. He finally escaped and took our kids, who were blissfully sleeping through it all, to their grandparents’ house to sleep stink free while I aired out the house and cleaned up the “cocaine factory” on our floor.
I awoke to Rachel screaming in the bathroom, and was out of bed in a flash. She was naked and covered in an unknown black inky substance, but like such a good 3 year old, trying to wash herself off. It turns out my husband had left his jet black toy model paint in his nightstand drawer. While I was “resting my eyes” my daughter found the ink, rubbed it all over her body, the carpet, and my brand new special birthday sheets. I still use the sheets to this day but I always remake the bed so my husband has to sleep on the black stains as a reminder of his ink related insolence.
Second story:
I was a very small child and learned to walk very early. When I was 10 months old, I was sitting on the floor in a store playing with some toy that was supposed to teach children to crawl. A women walked up to my mother and said, in a pitying voice, “Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll learn to crawl soon”. As she finished saying that, I stood up and walked off with the toy.
The time my 2 year old son dead-bolted me in our basement when I went to do laundry (yes, you need a key to get out of the other basement door… and no, I do not routinely carry the house key down to do laundry)… WHILE my new 1 month old girl baby was napping. The story includes major panic, a small basement window, lots of running and a surprise from my son when I got back into the house.
The missing Clemantine from our fruit bowl was found when my 2-year-old daughter came running down the hallway screaming like the hounds of hell were chasing her, butt-nekkid, rounded the corner so her backside was facing us, and there was ol’ Clemantine, squished between her chunky thighs, peeking out right underneath her bum. Husband said “She gets to eat that one.” Forever changed the connotation of the lyrics of “Oh my Darling, Clemantine” for us. Go on & sing it to yourself. See?
First time mom with a newly mobile 6 month old, I was not prepared for the week I would have. Day one boy gets measuring cup end stuck on his thumb with nothing able to take it off (oil, soap,ice, etc), husband deployed, had to cut it off (cup, not finger). Day two when taking a bath, razor ended up blade down in his mouth. Day three, he finds the stairs, day four gets in diaper bag and grabs my special mom treat (Pretzel from the place in Walmart that hands out samples) and eats and slobers it ALL. IT WAS A ROUGH START TO CRAPPY MOBILE BABY #1!
When I had my emergency c-section with my oldest, I was laying down flat and my mother was so upset I hadn’t breastfed the baby yet, I was trembling and coming out from the anesthesia and said “I don’t really think I can hold her now mom, I’m shaking like crazy” and she said “I’ll hold her to you… and started to sit me up. I projectile puked and the nurse had to change me. It was less funny the other 3 TIMES she did it so I could feed the baby. I got 4 sponge baths and hair washes that morning! Every time she started to sit me up in the bed I would say “Um I don’t think this is a good ide—BLARGAARGARGH…”
When my son turned 4 he started sneaking downstairs early Saturday mornings to watch t.v. However, the poor little fella didn’t know that PBS plays info-mercials at 6:00 in the morning! I came downstairs to help him with breakfast and there was a ‘genie-bra’ commercial on t.v. He said with all his innocence, Mommy, you should get one of those! *Now he is 5 and gets up his 2yr bro, helps him out of ‘pull-ups’ and takes him down with him, at 7:00 when Thomas is on!
we rented a bouncy house for my son’s birthday party which he loved so so so much. The day after, they came to pick the bouncy up from my parent’s house, on the same morning I was dropping him off to be baby sat. he runs up to my mother drags her outside and looks around glumly. when told the bouncy had been picked up, he shrugged and announced that his poppy (grandfather) would buy him one. and he was very content with this assumption.
Story 2!: We got my son a spiderman costume this year because he is OBSESSED with him. We try it on him and he proudly proclaimed that he is in fact the real spiderman. He made my husband put him up on the wall so he could climb it and then we got webbed. the next day, he told my mom he was real ‘piderman and she asked him where his outfit was and he just said “home because i’m unnercober.”
Story 3 because it’s so crappy! : While potty training my son I made the mistake of buying him cute boxers to match his daddy. boxers do not hold those little tiny poop balls that all babies have at some point, and they didn’t hold them this day either. I rushed him to the bathroom with balls falling like grenandes. Five minutes later we exit bathroom and there are no balls to clean up and the family dog is looking very pleased because he ate them all. Now, when the dog wants to lick danny- danny yells “no! eat poop u eat my poop!” It’s quite a crappy funny story.
When I was about eight months pregnant with my second child I was at the doctor’s office for a prenatal visit. My two year old and I are sitting in the waiting room when she suddenly decides to bolt. I jumped up and ran after her down a hallway, but, being hugely pregnant, my belly was actually going faster than the rest of my body. To the horror of everyone around me in the waiting room I slipped on the tile and landed belly-down. Then my adorable daughter comes up to me and innocently says, “you look funny on the floor, momma”!
A crazy lady vs. a cranky man freaked-out my daughter while eating lunch at Wendy’s.
Crazy lady – spastic, fidgety, LOUD – was on the phone saying things like, “I make scrambled eggs every morning… I do what I can… no one cares.”
Cranky man – pompous, proud, MEAN – demanded she get off the phone.
So right before our very eyes, crazy lady threw her Wendy’s chili at cranky man. (His wife later that day… “It’s about time someone threw their chili at you!)
As things heated even more – with the use of expletives – my confrontation-avoidant daughter said, “Mommy, I think I want to leave now.”
(See complete story at http://www.sweetly-covered.com/2012/05/crazy-lady-cranky-man.html)
When we went to Taco Bell and the dude (15 months) had a diaper explosion so his poopy shorts were rolled up in my purse, and then he threw up and I caught it with my shirt (ok, so he threw up on me), in front of a group of high school girls who have now vowed to never, ever, have sex. And then I forgot about the puke all over my clothes and hours later was reminded that I stunk.
This is about that time we were potty training my 3yo and caught him walking with his pants down toward the potty to poop. Thought this was a step in the right direction until we came out of the bathroom to find out he had started the deed on the coffee table and the 1yo was playing with it. And then the dog barfed. Oh, and did I mention we had company coming over in like 5 minutes?
The other story was TODAY! My anniversary, my husband is in the army and therefore gone by 5 am, but comes back after they workout and eats breakfast and showers. I made bacon and pancakes for anniversary breakfast, with the help of my crappy baby and crappy boy, with them both on the counter. Little did I know there was a surprise in babies BG and it was now on the counter, so when we sat for breakfast I had to clean up all the poo on the counter, and then found the dog cleaning up the rest on his clothes…………… It was a rough morning!
And since you allow two entries….
Was talking on the telephone and the 2-year old was pulling at my shirt, but she was being quiet, so whatever, as long as she stayed quiet while I wrapped up the call, I kind of tried to ignore it. Then she put her hand right down the middle of my cleavage and starts yelling “Mommy’s bum! Mommy’s bum!” That was fun explaining to the person on the other end of the line.
One day my husband got off work early (unbeknownst to me) and scared the living poop out of me by coming and sitting on the front porch. My inner-Mama Bear was awakened as I couldn’t tell it was him and I was plotting his attack: put baby in bed, put on hoodie and shoes, and prepare to scare away intruder. As I was opening the front door, he was fiddling with the screen door (thereby scaring me more) and I was thisclose to kicking his heiny. Then I realized it was my husband – hahaha. Exhibit A as to why I should never own a gun.
I grew up in a really conservative, religious family and now that we’re all grown up, many of my siblings choose to not teach their children the proper names of their private parts. I don’t follow that logic because I remember feeling embarrassed when I went in to a doctor’s appointment as a child and the doctor asked me how many bowel movements I had per day. I didn’t know what a bowel movement was, but knew it had to do with going potty, so I told him how often I went potty–4 or 5 times a day. When we left the doctor’s office, my dad turned to me and said, “you shit 4 or 5 times a day?!”
When I was young we found out that when my mom was napping you could ask her a question and her answer would always be, “Uh-huh”. We quickly learned to take advantage of this and would wait till she would collapse on the couch, exhausted from chasing 5 redheaded devil children, uh I mean, adorable kids around. We would ask if we could have the whole neighborhood over for Popsicles, if we could be un-grounded, if we could get a certain toy for Christmas, once we even built a store on the front lawn with extra bricks from when we put our patio in. We then called all of our friends, told them to bring their allowance to our house and we proceeded to sell them our old junk toys along with homemade silly putty, fake blood, salt dough, cookies and lemonade that we coerced my mom into making- probably while she was taking another nap. Oh what a summer to remember!
aaaand, 2nd entry
When my son was just a few months old, and I was still on maternity leave, I was nursing and getting spit up on so often that my daily uniform was a nursing bra and a pair of sweats–not like I was going to leave the house anyway. One day, I heard my husband pull up after work, and saw him drive by the window on his way to park. Thinking that I’d go unlock and open the door for him, I waited until I heard him on the stairs and opened the door wide. There I was greeted by a surprised but grinning UPS driver who needed me to sign for a large package, while I attempted to hide my toplessness behind the door. As soon as he left, my husband walked in, laughing.
grandapa and i eating ice cream with 2 yo grandson, cameron. i said “dont eat it so fast, you`ll get brain freeze!”. Cam said ” no i won`t, i dont have a brain!”
Me: pick up your toys
Conner: no.
Me: do it now or you dont get to build your castle.
Conner: UGH you just made me tired. now im too tired to pick up my toys.
Me: no your not, pick up your toys right now.
Conner: ugh, whatever(throwing his hands up in the air), im tired. im going to bed. (and stomps off to his room shaking his head)
I tell him to get back out here and pick up his toys right now, so he comes back out and tells me ” i told you i had a head-hake”.
lol i love arguing with a 3 year old.
Arriving at school to pick up my frist daughter, my second daughter found a man with a dog and asked to pet it. When she was done loving on the dog, she asked if we could have it. I explained that the man probably loved his dog very much and wouldn’t want to sell it. Then she (in a quite normal voice, which I’m sure the man could hear) suggested that if her daddy died, I could marry that man, and then we would own the dog. I ducked my head and hurried her away …
Contest:
So one day in the tub my 2 1/2 year old, who is learning to clean himself, says ” Oh no! my bits!” frantically searching the tub…a moment later, “don’t worry! I’ll find you!” A moment later, ” contented sigh accompanies, “Ahhh, there you are.”
I left my toddler some coco-pops one morning (small chocolate covered rice cereal in case they have a different name where you are.) He spilt the coco-pops everywhere so I went to sweep them up. Only when I started sweeping them I noticed that some of them were soft – really soft – and smelly. He’d had a nappy (diaper) explosion of loads of teeny tiny poos the same size as the hundreds of coco pops all over the floor. Cleaning that lot up was so much fun – is it a poo or is it a coco-pop??
Whenever my husband is away and I’m solo parenting (and yes, we’re a two Dad family), I’m always left to deal with some explosive poop situation. When our older son was an infant, I was in the midst of one such scenario and — so so foolishly — put the soiled diaper down on the floor by the changing table so I could carry the baby to the tub. Naturally, the family dog got to the diaper and, when I tried to take it away from him, growled at me like it was the greatest treat he’d ever been given. Leading me to pick up the baby, and the diaper, and run shrieking into the bathroom with the dog in heavy pursuit on my heels.
My Husband and I took our two children to the Butterfly Pavilion. When it was time to go, our two year old daughter did what every two year old does. Became a human toddler siren and screamed because she didn’t want to leave. We received several glares from the oh so perfect parents on our way out. So clever husband says very loudly “I can’t believe that snake bit her!”
Our son was about 2 when hubby insisted we buy him a PowerWheels Jeep. So we get it home and hubby decides to “demonstrate” how to drive the Jeep, all 6 ft of him tucked up inside with his knees around his ears, driving it up and down the paved street in front of our house. He makes the turn and “gasses” it (pushes the button to go as fast as possible), at which point his awkward position and weight cause him to wheelie up and over, and end up like some kind of deformed turtle stuck on his back until I could stop laughing hard enough to come pull the Jeep off. It was a purple Jeep with red accents.
When my kids hurt themselves, I ask two questions…Is it broken? is there blood? Often if the answers are no, they get a kiss and are on their way. My kids both frequently say they are broken when they hurt themselves now. My son bumped his head the other day, and comes over crying, ” I broke my brain!”. I check him and he is fine, so he gets the kiss and i ask if it is better, he replies in a frustrated tone, ” No! it is still broken!” lol. guess kisses quit fixing boboos when they can reason…
My eight year old daughter, Isabella, made a wish out loud for her birthday, “I wish Mom were a boy and would wear boy clothes every day.” No one knew what to do, except me: I laughed and told her, whole heartedly, “You can’t share your wish or it will never come true!!!”
The time I had to clean up my dog’s puke at my inlaws, and because I’m a delicate flower, I puked on top of the dogs puke as I was cleaning it.
Or
The time my younger son (1 at the time) peed all over himself at a restaurant (forgot to pack extra diapers). On the way home in the car, my 3 year old said to my pantsless 1 year old, “you’re so lucky! now you get to play with your penis the whole ride!”
I was lying prone on the floor, while my 2.5 year old son crawled on me, playing. I made a few grunts and groans as his sharp little knees and elbows needled into me. So he crouched down next to my head and said, “Don’t be whiney, mommy.” /sigh.
One bedroom three kids under five. Enough said.
Contest:
Entry 1: The Crappy Parents are trying to wean our Crappy BabyGirl (18 mos.) from the dreaded paci. Apparently she can comprehend WELL beyond her age level, because we are now finding contraband crappy pacis hidden all over the house. Kitchen drawer? Check. Toybox? Check. Her pillowcase? Check.
Entry 2: Crappy Momma has to pee. Can’t hold it, so I run into the bathroom. (Yes, I keep the door open). Everything’s quiet, so naturally I become suspicious. Crappy BabyGirl (18 mos.) has decided to use the fronts of our white stove and refrigerator as a blank medium for her “My First Crayola” crayons. I guess we should be thankful that it wasn’t permanent Sharpie…
That time when my brother and I were little and we let a stranger into the house. Then he peed in the refrigerator. (The stranger peed in the refrigerator, not my brother).
My husband thought it would be a good idea to let my one year old son run around without a diaper for a few minutes. After about thirty seconds my son came running up to me and there was the smell of poop in the air. He had pooped everywhere!
I have been talking to my 3-year-old about danger, such as how running out into the street is dangerous, or touching a hot stove is dangerous. Today he got his hands on a whistle and told me, “I’ll use this whistle to warn you, like this..TWEEEEEEEEET….” (I’m thinking “Oh, good, he’s been listening to all my danger talk.”) He continues…”to warn you when you give me something I don’t like for dinner.” Interesting idea, kiddo, but…no.
So, my 25-month old talks a lot, and his not-quite-right usage of vocabulary is usually cute…usually:
1. Cute: calls every gray-haired man on the street “Grandpa.”
2. Annoying: obsessed with my freckles, and has called them “yucky pieces,” “dirt,” “boo-boos,” everything except what they really are.
3. Mildly embarrassing: mixes up the toilet habits of our new baby/dog by telling random stranger “Mommy poops diaper outside.”
4. Mortifying: Daddy takes newly weaned 25-monther to pool, he points out the rather scantily-clad assets of several teenagers, gives huge smile, and says &#