Cats are Aliens & Bed Real Estate

I have no idea what Crappy Cat does all night while we sleep.

Crappy Boy once made up a story about him sneaking into the attic where he keeps his spaceship. He says he flies away each night. Sounds reasonable. Cats are aliens. Have you noticed how they’ll just freeze and stare for a moment? Snap your fingers and don’t let them do that shit. They are uploading information to their mothership.

Anyway, after Crappy Cat finishes doing what he does all night, he comes into our bedroom. Usually at around 6AM which is way too early for anyone to come into our bedroom. My lady’s maid doesn’t even come into the room with breakfast until 8AM. (At least that is when I pretend my lady’s maid brings me breakfast. Thank you, Downton Abbey for the fantasy material.)

So Crappy Cat enters the room much too early and surveys the bed real estate.

It is ample.


However, he always goes for the same exact spot.


I’m not sure whose cat originally discovered that sitting on a bladder causes their human to wake up, but one did. Was it your cat? Was it Crappy Cat? I guess we’ll never know and there is no benefit in pointing fingers. But we do know that this information has been uploaded to the mothership’s server.

All cats can access this information if they do a software update. It is now part of the collective cat-conscious.

I’m sorry.

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183 Responses to Cats are Aliens & Bed Real Estate

  1. You know, I have no idea where my cat goes at night either. Maybe Crappy Boy is on to something. If cats are aliens it sure explains an awful lot.

    • samatwitch says:

      It’s all explained in the book, “Cats are from Jupiter, Dogs are from Pluto”. Staring into space is helping keep the Earth in rotation and the reason they all come running at the sound of a can opener is because it sounds exactly like their mothership. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. Genevieve says:

    Haha, soooo true!!

  3. nikki says:

    LOL yes my cat does this every morning! after scratching the lid of the litter box for 5 minutes straight in a futile attempt to bury her crap

    • Shelley says:

      I had a cat that did this too!!!…scratching the wall and side of the litter box to bury his poo. Since this wascompletely ineffective, I had to go and bury his crap for him, otherwise it would stink up the area.

      • Michelle says:

        My cat does the same!! Never buries the poop, just scratches the litter box. Why???

        • Lori says:

          Yep. The cat box is in the hall closet, right next to where the kids sleep. The cat likes to poop (often missing the box) and then spend the next 45 seconds scratching the walls and closet door. Loudly. I’d say he was doing it to make our lives hell, but he did this long before we had kids. So I know it’s just some weird cat thing.

        • Joyce says:

          well.. i guess this must have been an error in their downloaded file?

    • Jessica says:

      Sounds like a bunch of you need to buy automatic litter boxes – or at least the boxes that have lids. I ended up with an automatic litter box with the tent accessory because I was hoping it would keep my toddler out of the litter (out of sight out of mind – yeah right). I ended up having to use a baby gate – my toddler would just climb into the box just like a cat. Seriously once all the kids are well potty trained I’ll be potty training the cats.

      • Helga says:

        Actually, it’s a simple fix. My cat did that also, but not anymore!! For her, we now use a shallow tote bin as a litter box. No lid. The lid drove her crazy, so no lid is good. The tote is longer and wider than an actual litter box, so now she does her business and buries it. No more scratching on the walls and edges! It’s a miracle! I think, from this experiment, that cats just want more space. We humans want to keep them more contained, but it doesn’t work.

        • lauren says:

          Um. Yeah. Totally simple fix.

          1. Get rid of cat.

          2. Get rid of litter box

          Problem solved

          • Colleen Potvin says:

            What is a tote? We have two nutty cats who think that the litter hides in the sides of the box or on the step which is just above. Anyone have a problem with a cat who thinks the litter box must be perfectly clean every time she uses it? She now thinks furniture is a perfectly good substitute. We are at our wits end.

        • Karen says:

          Absolutely use a bigger litter box. I also use the plastic tote bins. I have 3 cats and no problems what so ever. The litter box should always be 1 1/2 times the length of your largest cat. Clean is a no brainer too. Cats do not like to use dirty litter. I scoop at least 3 times a day and dump and scrub at least once a week. Sounds like a lot of work, but really worth it.

    • Jessie says:

      It’s so insane, every single one of them (and I have FOUR). Only mine DO actually bury their mess, it’s AFTERWARDS that they stand there and scratch at the lid and sides of the box for five years until I clap at them and tell them quit it. Drives me bonkers!

  4. Heather says:

    You know, wasn’t that an episode of Futurama? The cats were from another planet and came during Egyptian times and were worshiped? lmao.

  5. Morag says:

    I don’t even have a cat, never will, and I still found this post funny ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. ammie says:

    Better than a 90lb dog! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  7. Jenny says:

    I love how all your children posts read like they could be written about my life. As do your husband posts, and your day-trip posts…. and your cat posts. I mean really how similar can two lives be?? My cat does this exact thing, at this exact time of day, for the exact same evil purpose. It’s more reliable than any alarm clock. Less turn-off-able also =/

  8. Paula says:

    Hmm. My cat always sat on my chest and pawed my bottom lip. He started with no claws, but as he lost patience he gradually introduced more pain. I started keeping the door to my bedroom shut after a couple of mornings of this. o.O

  9. Danielle says:

    I know where my cats go all night – either side of my legs, pinning them to the bed. Or my bladder.

    • Laura Brown says:

      ditto. and they don’t seem to care how many times I kick them off, within 30 seconds they are right back pinning me down. ALL NIGHT LONG. for a while I had them convinced they should sleep on my husband’s legs, but lately they’ve been migrating back to my side…

  10. Sara says:

    We put our cats in the basement at night so they can’t jump on our faces (or claw at our door) while we’re sleeping. This does not prevent them from throwing themselves against the basement door around 5:30 am. I’m still not sure if they really think they can bust it down this time, or if they’re clever enough to realize it wakes us up.

  11. Joanne says:

    One of my cats does it too, just about every morning at the most annoying time! My brother just sent a meme to me recently in this very same vein!

    • Jen says:

      THAT was priceless!

    • Monica says:

      my cat does that too.. (the kneeding of the boobs).. and not just in the mornings.. when I cuddle up to hubby when we’re watching tv.. Sally (named by our son after character in the Disney Cars movie) would jump up on hubby’s lap, then she will stretch out her front legs and plant, no DIG her claws in my boobs.. and usually when I’m not watching her, so I’m startled almost everytime. Personally I think she wants hubby’s attention all to herself.

  12. rachel says:

    my crappy cat has a different plan of attack. he bypasses the bladder and goes straight for a head-butt to the face. which wouldn’t be a big deal, except that i’m allergic to him in the morning. yes, that’s right, only in the morning. if he gets in my face before like, 8am, i get all red and itchy and blotchy and sneezy. after that, i’m fine with him. NO idea why this happens, but it does, and he loves to take advantage of it. interestingly, that’s the ONLY time of day he feels the need to head-butt me in the face! go figure.

    • Lady Moss says:

      You’re not the only one! Any morning face contact and I look like The Cat Man myself (google him he’s the alien leader).

    • Sarah says:

      I have the same morning allergy, too. The cats are banned from our bedroom at night because of it. If I avoid cats in my face in the morning, I don’t have allergies, ever, but if I get one in my face in the morning, I will be itchy and sneezy and watery-eyed all day, and can’t go outside if it’s spring or summer. My theory is that it has to do with nasal passages being more prone to irritation when I first wake up, and maybe a little dry.

      • rachel says:

        wow! so glad i’m not the only morning allergy freak! people look at me like i’m nuts when i say i’m only allergic to my cat in the morning.

    • Lori says:

      There could be a logical explanation for this. The natural daily cycle of the body includes a burst of cortisol in the morning. If you are borderline allergic to something, but your usual daytime cortisol levels suppress it (because that’s what they’re supposed to do), then if you are exposed to the allergen before that morning burst kicks in, I can see how that might cause you to react then but not other times.

      Myself, I’m only allergic to certain cats. If I pet them and touch my eyes after, I get crazy itchy eyes. And I can’t pet them too long either. But other cats, I can bury my face in their fur and be totally fine.

  13. Kara says:

    6am?! Lucky! Beats my 4am daily ass nibble! And yes, my cat nibbles my ass. Only because it’s too hot under the covers when he lays on top of my mangles legs at night, so I have to leave half my body outside of the covers, ass all exposed. Freaking cat.

  14. Madeleine says:

    in my case it’s the 2 year old who tends to snuggle in, feet to bladder, around that time of day. *sigh*

  15. Elena says:

    My cats have had to perfect an alternate method because I will often be lying on my side, precluding bladder access. One cat wails weakly at my head, as if to say I’m too weak from hunger to do anything more than whisper. The other cat coughs up a fur ball on the floor but always relatively close to my head.

  16. My cat, bless his little alien soul, did this to me every single friggin’ day.

    He’s been gone (back to his planet?) for a few years, so he either uploaded this bit of info to the mothership himself, or he downloaded it like your cat must have.

    I miss that annoying little guy. Sigh.

  17. Lisa Lutes says:

    We used to say our cat went out clubbing. He was a ladies man.

  18. Pami says:

    My kitty does the same thing in the mornings. At night as we’re trying to go to sleep, he does something equally annoying. For example, last night I caved in and let my 3yo DD curl up next to me as I was catching up on my shows. Just as she fell asleep and I’m thinking, “Ahh… quiet!” Kitty walks up, OVER HER, tries to get to me, sees me fending him off, and decides to sit on her head instead. Usually this wakes her up, but she must have been really exhausted last night because all she did was groan until I was finally able to encourage the cat to go to his spaceship.

    • Lacey S says:

      I swear my cats know exactly when my son falls asleep, because that’s when they scratch at the door/jump on the bed/wail or something equally annoying. I’ve tried to inform them in a reasonable tone of voice that if they wake him up it means I will NOT be getting back up to feed them, turn on their water or snuggle and will instead probably fall asleep trying to get B back to sleep. Since reasonable didn’t work, now I use a squirt gun. And yet they still do it EVERY NIGHT.

      In the morning both cats come and sit on me – one aiming for the chest, the other smack on the bladder if I’m on my back or the kidney if I’m on my side. If I continue to pretend to be asleep one of them starts nibbing me… I’m pretty sure testing to see if I’m safely edible yet ๐Ÿ™

  19. Jenn says:

    I know what you mean about Downtown–sometimes I walk through my house imagining that I’m inspecting the work of my staff (they’re not very good).

  20. joyce says:

    One of the multiple reasons I do not own a cat (or dog for that matter). Lol.

  21. Audry says:

    My crappy cat takes his 20lb ass and stands with all of his weight concentrated in a single area. It’s painful. He has also taken to at 6 am playing in the curtains and jumping on the dresser and nightstands. Places he knows he isn’t supposed to be. Ugh crappy cats!

    • Emjay says:

      It seems our cats both download the same data from the mothership, mine is 7.5kg (metric sorry!) and loves walking back and forth on the headboard miaowing to get us up. Another trick is to jump onto the dresser and bat all mums jewellery onto the floor!

      • Mary says:

        yeah Mine did something similar, but at 25 lbs it wasn’t jewelry. It was the alarm clock, a book, the lamp. scoot scoot CRASH!!

        Needless to say, my nightstand quickly became a desert on purpose.

  22. Mariya says:

    My dads cat will paw at you, and if you refuse to acknowledge her – she will then bite your nose!

    I guess she’s just bitter from being named “mouse”.

    Although I don’t have to fully wake up to satisfy an animals request. Its my 3 yr old who has taken to sleep walking at 1-2am and demanding frozen yogurt. I’ll take the alarm clock cat if you take my middle-of-the-night yogurt requests.

  23. Julie says:

    Has Crappy Boy ever seen the show Kid vs. Kat by any chance? The cat in the show is actually an alien. It explains a lot about cats’ behaviour. LOL!

  24. Amanda says:

    This is awesome. It gave me a great laugh. one of the girls in my office was saying to share the funny. this is great. I dont have a cat but when i did she would sleep right on top of me so i couldnt move at all unless she felt like moving and if i moved her she would climb right back. but this was great. i love reading your blogs. always a good, funny read.

  25. Cathy R says:

    I think cats pick a full bladder to lay on because they know it’s like a cat-sized heated waterbed.

  26. Leah says:

    My cats get put in lockdown every night because 4:00 a.m. is their crazy time. Running laps through the house, “spidercatting” up the walls, knocking things over, yowling incessantly, and when they kept waking up the baby, I’d had it. So they’re locked in “their” room when the last person goes to bed so that we can all sleep.

  27. Leah Cusick says:

    Our cat doesn’t uplink to the mothership until after he thoroughly pisses me off by weedling his way under the blankets and clawing my ass till I get annoyed enough to toss the blanlets back and eject his obnoxious ass out of bed. He then repeats this process until I have successfully stuffed the blankets around myself so there are no more possible openings for him. I’m sure he then contacts the mothership… the comes back to sleep on me. That jerk.

  28. Abby says:

    My cat sleeps peacefully at the foot of our son’s bed every night…. at least I assume, as she’s not allowed in my bedroom while we sleep. In the off chance that she is in my room while we sleep, she likes to lay between my feet so that I’m unable to move without being bitten for disturbing her.

  29. Barbara says:

    We have four crappy cats. One or more try to lay on top of or between the children who have wandered into our bed, waking said children, who in turn wake us. Sigh.

  30. Shea says:

    Oh Downton Abbey <3
    And this is the reason why I don't have cats. They are total aliens and they scare me. Plus I'm allergic. I have dumb dogs instead ๐Ÿ˜€

  31. Karen says:

    LOL! My cat enjoys the alone time downstairs at night and enjoys running laps around our tables. Then he finds one of the boys’ small toys and enjoys tossing it in the air and pouncing on it. I’m not sure how a 12lb cat can make so much of a boom when she hits the floor. Usually around 4 or 5 AM she makes her way into our room and stares at me until I wake up. It’s awesome.

  32. Steph says:

    My cats like to walk or pounce on me … or sleep near or on my head lol.

    I laughed so hard at this part – “Have you noticed how theyโ€™ll just freeze and stare for a moment? Snap your fingers and donโ€™t let them do that shit. They are uploading information to their mothership.” Thanks!

  33. Tiff says:

    Love your kind of humor! The crappy pictures in this blog post were both hilarious.

  34. Melissa says:

    My cat is 19, mostly deaf, can’t clean himself anymore, and is otherwise gross (and no one likes him much – he’s a bit of a bastard) but the vet says he “is in excellent health”. I think he needs to constantly remind himself that he is still alive though because when the house is dark and quiet (typically 1 a.m. through 6 a.m.) he finds the most echo-y part and yowls the most gruesome torturous noise you’ve ever heard. Seriously, the only redeeming quality this animal has is if I can record it and sell it to Hollywood for alien/horror flick sound affects.

  35. Julie says:

    Your cat is hungry. Try feeding it at exactly the sames times (yes more than once) a day and it will stop harrassing you. Don’t fill up a giant bowl with dry food and think your cat is fed for the next three days. The food gets stale. Put enough for half the day and then dump the leftovers when it’s time for the next meal. If you really want to be nice, give the poor cat a little wet food once or twice a day or is that too much trouble?

    • Mariya says:

      Yeah – doesn’t exactly work – you can’t tell a cat “go back to sleep, its not 8am yet”. That is why my dad’s cat wakes us up. She wants food and her treats!

      And then you are really screwed when the time change hits.

    • Anna D. says:

      We’ve done exactly these things with all our cats – we’ve had 5 over the years – and of those 5, only 2 have consistently slept through the night. The others just like to wake us up at 4 am. Trust me, they’re not hungry. If your cat doesn’t do this, just chalk it up to luck.

    • Angela says:

      Cats are crepuscular, meaning they are active at dawn and dusk. It is natural for them to be running about and active early in the morning. Nothing to do with improper food practices.

      • Colleen Potvin says:

        Mine just know that daddy gets up for work at 4:30 am and that’s breakfast time. So every day, 7 days a week, he gets awakened by cat kisses on his cheek.

  36. Claire H says:

    This is why we put our crappy cat in the living room at night and shut the door (she’s not cooped up, there’s plenty of room). I would hate to have her roaming free around the house at night – she might jump on the kids in their sleep and scare them, and she’d definitely come looking for me and my bladder.

  37. Teri says:

    My cat is Dumbass, and Dumbass has to be ON me, somewhere, everytime I lie down. It could be my bladder. It could be my back if I’m on my stomach. Usually I sleep on my side and she’s either lying on my hip or on my thigh. Queen sized bed, hubby lying next to me, but she’s gotta be up my butt for whatever reason.

  38. Cynthia Holt says:

    My cat likes to drag her butt across my floor as soon as i am done washing it. The floor, not her butt

  39. Sue says:

    Let’s see, we have 3 cats and I’m pretty sure all of them would be a detriment to their alien race. #1, affectionately nicknamed Dummy, once got stuck in a wall (which I had to kick out to free her – this was 3 days after we moved into our new house!). Then she fell asleep at the top of the stairs and rolled down them. She also has a foot fetish. Not sure what she would upload but it can’t be good. #2 a.k.a. Spike once got bite by her sister (#3) and had a hole in her back for a month…you could actually see inside her! We wanted to call her Moby for awhile but that would be an insult to the whale! She would probably be uploading stupid YouTube videos and porn while sponging off the alien government. Lastly, #3 a.k.a. Luna or The Sister is incredibly intelligent and probably an evil genius so she is plotting to overthrow her alien goverment and lead their society into a new age of cat evilness! Yeah, I’m a lucky cat momma…jealous, aren’t you!

  40. Matthias says:

    Oh man! Totally my life…except that by 6 am, both kids have crawled into the bed, at least one has peed on it, then moved to the other side, forcing me to sleep in the wet spot, and one of the kids has brought some sort of food into bed…not for a breakfast in bed, thank you…but solely for the purpose of crumbling/spilling/squishing it all over the sheets so that I’m completely sticky and itchy upon waking up…which is usually around 6 when the kids demand real breakfast!

  41. Heather says:

    My cat sleeps on a pillow on my bed, until approximately 5 am when my alarm goes off. Then usually she gets herself up, stretches a bit, and proceeds to sit on my head. Hard to ignore the alarm at that point.

  42. Elizabeth Beckman says:

    I too have a fantasy lady’s maid! Like Lady’s Mary’s Anna. I get dressed myself (no help needed w/ my yoga pants and hoodie) but she food shops, cooks, keeps the floors spic & span and keeps my two-year-old happy and quiet between 4:45 and 8:00am when she brings up my waffles & coffee!

  43. Amanda says:

    My crappy alien cat licks the inside of my nose to wake me up. I want to say you guys are lucky she sleeps in our bed at night and uploads her info during the day after breakfast (that’s when she goes missing), I’m assuming she forgets that piece of info. That little sandpaper tongue is not a very nice feeling in the nose at 6 a.m.

  44. Lauren says:

    I sleep on my side, so my cat never had a chance at this. However, she would sit directly in front of my face, and if I didn’t wake up soon enough for her taste, she would poke me with one little cat claw finger right in the nose until I got up. Pushy little thing.

  45. Rebecca S. says:

    Cats are stupid. I love both of mine who step on my head/face to wake me up.

  46. JessicaC says:

    I was reading a book to my 3 year old a few weeks ago talking about the things happening in the world while we slept and then we talked about it… what do birds do while we sleep? where does the sun go? I asked “where does kitty go while we sleep?” and my son says “in the litter box” and my response was “we hope so”

  47. Amy says:

    When I had my cat she would sit on me too….and lick then bite my cheek or hand. Not hard in malice but not too soft either. Lol!!
    And if I did not get up to her satisfaction she would then knock over my glass of water next to my bed. She NEVER did this to my husband! I kind of miss it now that she’s gone. ๐Ÿ™ but we have a crappy dog now.

  48. My cat alternates the full bladder with the lying on my head thing. I’m not sure if he’s gotten faulty information from the Mother ship, or if he’s just a rogue agent who has found an alternative and effective method for speeding up breakfast delivery.

  49. TQ says:

    OK, seriously I love this blog and it always makes me laugh. But this time it’s the comments that have me ROFL. I have two little aliens as well and so much of this hits so close to home! Thanks for making my day.

    • KathyH says:

      Totally agree! Absolutely hilarious. Writing about kids in a witty way is wonderful fun……but using that same wit to talk about cats…..the fun has gone to a whole new level.

  50. Stephanie says:

    I had a 22lb orange long-haired cat once who liked to sit on my pillow (on my hair, of course, so I couldn’t move my head) and would literally pry my eyelids up by pulling on my eyebrows with his massive paws. At 5:00am. Because he was starving. Because you don’t get to be a 22lb cat by dieting…

    • JAN says:

      Exactly what my cat always did. I had her for 21 years and every morning after a lovely time sleeping wrapped around my head (thus trapping me in position) when she deemed it time to eat, she would pat around my eyes (no claws) until you gave up and opened your eyes!

  51. JessicaC says:

    Also, if I he somehow manages to get inside at night, my sons cat Poe decides at 2 am every single morning that he REALLLLLLLY needs to be pet and cuddled… I’d be fine with that, but he doesn’t want me, he HAS to have my children. So Poe goes in and chews on my children’s hands and feet and licks their eyelids and sits on their faces and meows loudly up their noses until they wake up screaming and crying and I stumble in and throw him outside.

  52. Cyndi R says:

    My male cat moved in before I met my hubby. He tried to assert his seniority by sleeping between us. Then he would stretch his legs out in the direction of hubby and knead biscuits (poke his little claws in hubby’s body) until DH woke up. So we began sleeping with the bedroom door closed. After the babies came, they would be nursing or on my lap for some other reason, and the cat would think that he could somehow fit between their bodies and mine. I’m not sure how he figured out the spatial physics on that one, but I continually had to convince him that it was not possible for two objects to occupy the same space at the same time.

  53. Casey says:

    I had a crappy cat, and when my daughter was an infant she would bring the pieces of my breast pump to my bedside and meow at me. When i would look down she would bat them in my direction, like saying “feed the baby”!! This is, of course, after i had nursed the baby and finally fell back to sleep…i wanted to kill her, but it was kind of cute..just kind of. She also would bring be bottle nipples and pacis…cats are strange…love your blog!

  54. Stacey says:

    Despite the real estate of a King Size comforter, my cat usually ends up omy pillow purring in my ear :-/

  55. Angie says:

    One of my cats, who happens to be HUGE and panther-like, love to JUMP on my bladder in the morning.

  56. Brandy says:

    My cat is far more evil. She JUMPS on my bladder, following these steps:
    1. Stop at edge of human
    2. Meow loudly
    3. Wait a few seconds (long enough for human to realize what is about to happen, but not be able to move in time due to their semi-concious state)
    4. Jump as high as you can (lateral distance doesn’t matter here)
    5. Land with as much force as possible onto each of those four paws, and keep those paws together
    6. Immediately push to jump off human with as much force as possible (again, lateral distance doesn’t matter)
    7. Repeat until human feeds you

    Yeh, she’s a brat.

    • jmsiowa says:

      My rabbits would jump on me when I fell asleep on the couch at night. They just wanted to be put back in their cage and feed.

  57. Michelle says:

    My crappy cat (actually I can’t even type that without taking it back – he’s an awesome cat) sleeps next to my legs all night, but at 5:30am sharp he stands on my boobs and pats/whacks me in the face to get me up. He does this for a) food and b) so he can go outside and thus avoid the whole litterbox mess. He doesn’t like messes either – unless he makes them.

  58. Mercedes says:

    Our cats get locked in a giant cage out in the detached garage with litter box, food and water at night. That is because I was about to take them to the pound – they lived to torment me at night because I am the latest sleeper. Especially at 3 am.

  59. Randa says:

    My cat does the running around pouncing thing but usually just getting rid of his energy to fall asleep and is done by midnight. Then lays peacefully next to me all night, i must have lucked out in the cat department

  60. Amy says:

    My cat prefers to lay with his crusty butt hole right next to my face. I think the mothership gives him extra points if he can get it close enough to touch my mouth. SO DISGUSTING!

    • amber says:

      Okay, this made me LOL! ๐Ÿ™‚ Crusty butt hole & mouth touching bonus points!!!!

    • Laura says:

      OMG!! I just snorted out coffee!!! My cat does the same thing…his tail (big fluffy Maine coon tail) up in my nostrils AND I still have 18lbs of cat compressing down on my rib cage! Maybe bonus points if he can collapse my lung while I slumber…

    • Sanj says:

      Mine, too! She looks just like Amber’s cat. Big kingsized bed, all the room in the world, but she’s gotta stick her stinky butt in my face. Then squawk and grab the covers if I try to move her.
      She started a new habit: If I get up to pee, she squeaks repeatedly in the dark so I won’t land on her anymore when I return to bed.

    • mel says:

      BLEH! I love cats, they taste just like chicken…

  61. Patty says:

    My cat does the same thing and 6 am sounds about the time where he comes to the room jumps on me (not my husband of course) and if I am on my side goes all the way up and lays on my shoulder, it so annoying b/c the weight is what bothers me the most. Whats weird is that even though its bothering me I don’t take him off must be the cat alien hypnosis he does on me every morning. LOL

  62. Lydia says:

    I know this situation only too well. The ‘cute cat’ waits until after I give my baby her midnight feed, then sits and waits for me to get comfy in bed then snuggles up to me. To sleep. The ‘crappy cat’ will sit in the doorway staring at me in silence, and if i do not respond to him he does this – sits on my bladder – all to get me to watch him whilst he eats then to open the door for him! Lately – after throwing pillows at him and practically throwing him down the stairs – he has come to realise he is not allowed to wake us up at stupid o’clock, but to wait until our alarm goes off at 7am. So what does he do now? Saunters in at 6.55am wailing “wake up and let me out!” My husband wonders why we got cats in the first place, I wonder what it will be like with another baby!!

  63. Annette says:

    I’ve never really cared for cats (sorry, cat-people) and this post and comments confirm that I never, ever, ever want one.

  64. Bethany says:

    I don’t care where my cat sits on me (okay, head and bladder are annoying) as long as she doesn’t puke on the bed! She seems to spend most the night in our room, so she must have cut ties with the mother ship. Every time I hear that pre cat yakking sound I frantically, half-asleep check if she’s on the bed. If she is, I push or throw her off. If she’s not, I go back to sleep and hope I don’t step in throw-up in the morning. Thankfully, she usually leaves us alone in the early morning, unless she’s out of food. Side note, I really need to watch Downtown Abbey.

    • Bethany says:

      P.S. As a kitten she use to bite my face while I was asleep, so things have gotten much better. The worst was when I’d feel her on my chest doing that but wiggle thing they do before pouncing and know what was coming but not be awake enough to stop it in time…

  65. Ashley says:

    Every time I watch Downton Abbey I think about how awkward it would be to have someone dress me. Then, I think about how awesome it would be to have someone dress my children.

  66. tara says:

    Hahaha oh my god I laughed so hard at the “snap your fingers and don’t let them do that shit” part.

    I agree, cats must be aliens. Maybe Crappy Boy saw the spaceship and this is how he knows their secrets.

  67. Amanda says:

    LOL, cats are funny creatures. These are a few things my cat does at night. We have night stands on both sides of the bed, so our cat likes to climb over our heads while we are sleeping. He also only likes to sleep on my side of the bed, never my husband’s side. Is this true for other cats? And we don’t dare close the door all of the way to our bedroom while we are sleeping, unless we want to wake up to our cat scratching on the metal vent of our door.

  68. Judi says:

    My husband knows where the cat spends the night. The cat sleeps on his pillow, right in front of his face. It does no good to roll over to get the cat fur away from his nose. The cat will walk across hubby’s head so that he can lie down again right in front of hubby’s face.

  69. Jennifer in VT says:

    Our cats think night time is time to play tag they run from one end of the house to the other chasing each other. This usually occurs around 4am the other night they decided that right after the kids were asleep was a good time and ran in and jumped on my 3 year old’s bed and she woke up screaming. If it is not the kids waking me it is them…. I never sleep

  70. Emma says:

    You’re getting no sympathy from me for this one because I’m still at this ( stage! At this very moment I have a 4 year old asleep with legs and arms entangled round me and a two year old feeding / sleeping star fish style across my chest whilst I type with one hand and try not to laugh at your blog too much and wake them!

  71. Liz S says:

    Are you a reader of the Oatmeal? You should be. Maybe your cat is…

  72. Maureen says:

    Guess my cats missed the download of doing crazy stuff at night – they both sleep with me. My “fat cat” used to do the “do something really annoying and something I’m really not allowed to do” every morning at 6am just so I could feed her. Even though there was still food in the bowl from the night before (they get fed twice a day). I tried everything to dissuade this, but she would just find something even more annoying to do. I then had an epiphany – I completely ignored her and pretended to keep sleeping. Did this for 4 weeks and she just gave up. Those 4 weeks were torture, but now I get to sleep until whenever I want. I’m not sure if I broke her or just her communication to the mothership. “Skinny cat” has never been a problem. But on some rare, random days she decides my eyebrows need to be groomed and that wakes me up pretty quickly. BTW, your two definitely remind me of my two. “Fat cat” acts like a dog and will take any kind of attention, including that of my 2-year-old niece, while “skinny cat” actually behaves like a cat.

  73. TZ says:

    The best way to stop your cat from coming into your bedroom at 6am? Shut the door. The best way to stop the cat from yowling at the door at 6am? An automatic feeder. We did both and it has saved our sleep. The cats now spend 5am-7am sitting in front of their feeder, waiting for it to go off.

  74. Heather says:

    Thank you all, you have just cemented (and I mean CEMENTED) my decision to never get a cat.

  75. Robonanny says:

    I don’t have a cat currently (tenancy rules) but my sister has an awesome one who weighs about 23 pounds. When we stayed at her place over Christmas, he’d come and purr at me until I woke up enough to stroke him.

    When he wanted me to wake up enough to feed him, he’d pedal at my neck and hair with his front paws, and if that didn’t work, add claws. Claws work!

  76. Fuchsia says:

    I know what my cats do all night. Much of the same thing they attempt all day. Which is to take up all of the good livingroom seats and sleep on them. They are usually still there in the morning and get very annoyed when humans dare to kick them out of the computer chair or off the couch so that we can actually sit down. Apparently furniture is for cat sleeping and we humans are just too dumb to realize that.

  77. Rob says:

    My brothers cat has hunted rabbits during the night and brings them inside, usually still alive. Then of course chases it all around the house trying to kill it, by this stage everyone is awake chasing both the cat and the poor rabbit in the freshly distroyed house.

  78. Andrea says:

    If I dare move a muscle, cough, or sneeze, I am immediately tag teamed by my two 20 lb cats. One “snuggles” up and begins loudly licking( sounds like he’s coughing up a hairball) while the other one meows angrily for me to get up. They never bother my husband even though he gets up first….I think he’s in cahoots with the aliens!!

  79. DianeMargaret says:

    I know EXACTLY where my 2 cats go at night!!!
    They go in the bathroom…where I lock them…every night and every time I leave the house! I have taken to throwing them in there when we go out to the garden too! Otherwise they tear the joint UP!!!!! We came home once to find the tortoises completely tortured, 4 of my plants on the floor, the toilet paper shredded, my bed (NOT my husband’s side! >:( ) peed on & them sleeping one the TV stand!!!
    Never again!

  80. Paula says:

    Mine sleep. I moved the food bowls and the litter pan and I made a very confy pillowy bed in the “machine room” (heater and electrical stuff, you know….) where it’s toasty the way they like it and there’s nothing to chase all night and drive the dog nuts about; the dog was the one keeping us awake because of the cats running upstairs. No more. During the day the can roam the whole house and sleep in beds and do cat things but when they are eating their dinner I close that door and sleep in peace! I read all your posts, they’re priceless. Thank you for the laughs.

  81. Jamie Anne says:

    I know exactly where my cat slinks off to in the middle of the night. I could only be so lucky as to wish he’d be off quietly doing alien spaceship related things. But no, he’s up on counters, or book stand breaking things, or batting noisy god knows what around the house. I also wish I could be so lucky as to be awoken with a plop to my full bladder every morning. My wakeup call comes in the form of dirty paws touching my face, or cocoa butts to the head. Everyday at 5:45am, like clockwork.

  82. Di says:

    I haven’t even read past the first paragraph, but can I just say that I was laughing HYSTERICALLY at those last two sentences?!? Holy cow, you are a comedic genius!

  83. Katia says:


    Here is another cat enigma. Why do cats/aliens hate it so much when we read the paper? Does it interfere somehow with the signals they are trying to send to the mother ship? I don’t know. Maybe. Do you? Crappy boy probably knows.

  84. Karen (Scotland) says:

    When we first got those adorable little kittens, it was SO cute that the little black one like to sleep under my chin…
    Fast forward a few years to me struggling to sleep or even breathe with a bloody panther insisting on sleeping on my jugular…

  85. Jen says:

    Amber – do you have ANY idea how much of a time suck your blog is??? I was innocently sitting at my desk working away when a notification pops up that you’ve posted to your blog, OBVIOUSLY, I IMMEDIATLY click over to check it out, then get lost in reading the comments and snickering to myself….I just looked at the time…I’ve been reading for the last 45 minutes! Woops!!

    I love this post though – reminds me of the cat I had who HAD to sleep on me. I would roll and the cat would stand up and “walk” on me like she was practicing her Log rolling skills until I got situated, then she would lay right back down! hahaha

    • Jen says:

      ohohoh…..and I just pre-ordered your book!!!!! I CANNOT wait! Any chance if I beg pretty please, you’d have Crappy boy make me a book mark and autograph it for me to put it my book?

  86. Cathy Heinz says:

    My cats go straight for my breasts at night. They must have downloaded an alternate update to the software. Or they know that standing on my bladder will get them nowhere, but stepping on a boob will get them an instant response. Although they have yet figure out that the response never results in getting them fed.

  87. Stephanie says:

    I know where my cats are every second of the night. One sleeps between us at chest level on top of the blanket, ensuring that the covers do not reach the edge of the bed. The other lays at the end of the bed. If I get up to pee in the night, cat one will move into my vacated spot and protest when I come back. If I try to stretch out at night, cat two will bite my feet through the blanket in retaliation.

  88. Leonie says:

    I have an outside cat but when my mother complains of this I always say “There’s these things called doors…”

  89. Lana says:

    Our cat got thrown out the house and into a back shed for pee, poop, ass clawing and destroying stuff shenanigans. However she ultimately would have been anyway because we only allow kittens inside (until they’re neutered) The first morning after she was moved out she was pissed and brought a live snake that she crippled onto the back verandah. (several hours after I let her and our other far more mellow cat out)

  90. My cat invented the “slurping the glass of water my husband left on his nightstand to wake him up” technique. And I guess she got the bladder trick from yours.

  91. Cats and moths are the two scariest animals. They seem like the only ones that are capable of evil. I’m not talking about natural animal stuff like mauling… I mean plotting, bad guy evil.

  92. Tillerman says:

    I never understood how cats managed to domesticate humans and make them their servants. I can understand why cats did it – free food, free shelter, free vets – but I can’t understand why humans allowed themselves to be domesticated? Surely not just for the 6am bladder weight?

  93. Randi says:

    Our cats were too noisy at night, so three years ago we had to start putting them outside while the kids were sleeping. We have a woodstove and have to get up every few hours to stoke it and those silly cats are at our front door everytime! Maybe they are not in contact with the mother ship…

  94. Jessica says:

    Hilarious and one more reason why we are not getting a cat.

  95. Aimee says:

    And this is why I don’t have cats. It’s bad enough my 2 year old spends each night kicking me in the head. I don’t need to be woken up at some ridiculous hour by a flipping cat.

  96. Cat Mama says:

    My orange tabby (long-backed and long-legged. BIG BOY) would plant himself between my thighs and then stre-e-e-e-etch out. More than once, I would go to get out of bed, only to collapse because one of my hips was slightly dislocated.

  97. Marcela says:

    My cat would stare until she woke me up. Did you ever wake up with someone starrin at you? creepy! Sometimes she would lick my nose!

  98. Gina says:

    There is a book, “Someday When My Cat Can Talk”, by Caroline Lazo, that is about what cats do at night. It is a great book, my daughter loves it. I think Crappy Boy and Crappy Baby would like it. It kind of goes a long with the spaceship in the attic theory.

  99. o docker says:

    It may only be Mac cats that upload to the mother ship.

    When Windows cats stop and freeze, they’re updating their antivirus software.

  100. Lorien says:

    Babies are pretty good bladder finders, too. We’re cosleeping with my daughter and she sure knows how to wake us up with one swift kick to the bladder!

  101. Jenny says:

    did you ever see the old disney movie, “the cat from outer space”? you should!

  102. I can see the musical now: Cat on a hot full bladder. I’ll be here all week.

    My dog intuitively knows when I am in mid-dream about Ryan Gosling being my ladies valet when she decides to bark in the night so we can help her get her old bones move to the destination of her choice.

  103. Katie B says:

    Mine likes to sit on my pillow and smack me in the face.

  104. Sam says:

    My cat starts out the night half on my bladder half on the bed. She always has to be lying on one of us. She likes to go to bed with us, so she spends most of the night in the bedroom, but I’d bet when she leaves she’s just going to lay on a blanket in the living room. Seriously, she’s obsessed with blankets. And the people who commented about the wall scratching after they bury their crap. SO annoying.

  105. Risa says:

    My cat will do that but I sleep on my side so he will sit ON MY SIDE. He will also do that in the middle of the night sometimes like 2 or 3 am when I am going back to bed after getting up to feed the baby. ANNOYING. We are not up for you, cat!

  106. Kate says:

    Our cats are ABSOLUTELY NOT ALLOWED in our bedroom. Which, of course, means that they sneak in there whenever I leave the door open accidentally. Cat #1 has an obsession with sleeping on my pillow, if he can get in there. Cat #2 has a closet fetish and will climb up the shelves to rub his cat hair all over my clothes.

  107. Sarah says:

    I thought it was awesome when my husband rigged our lamps so that they were “touch lights”…I didn’t have to fumble for the switch anymore; I could just touch the base of the lamp and the contact would turn off the light.

    We did not realize that the cats apparently rub against the lamps at all hours of the night. Lights off becomes lights off, then on low, then off, then blasting on high, then off, then medium, high, off, low, etc. All night long.

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  110. Elisabeth says:

    Wonder if the alien thing has anything to do with the wild run they take right after they poo. And honestly, I think my cats had a different operating system – they’d come in to a full sized bed, empty other than me, and drape themselves across my neck and face. I’d be more likely to sleep through the bladder trick.

  111. elin says:

    I have trained our cat to only bug my husband. but I still get the butt in face wake up call every now and again as he is trying to find his spot…

  112. ACJ says:

    Could be worse. You could have 2 cats, each with their own preferences on where to sit on the bed to cause maximum inconvenience to you. By 4 AM our bed formation looks like this:

    Me Husband
    % I

    (seriously: girl cat goes for the crotch area, while boy cat tries to sleep on my neck or folded in my armpit. They won’t even go near my husband)
    My husband is like “how sweet, the kitties really love you!”
    And I’m like “@#$&! I think I pulled every other muscle in my body”.

    Can’t wait for my revenge when I’m heavily pregnant again and get to make everyone fall off the bed because of my belly bumping into everything.

  113. Katie says:

    If it’s any consolation, I’m nursing, and both my cats are partial to (a) putting all their weight on my boobs using only their front paws or (b) using my boobs as a launching pad to exit the bed.

  114. Sonia Castillo says:

    Move your bed ๐Ÿ™‚ the cat should stop climbing up. I read this in a book a few years ago while researching Geopathic Stress. Something about how it’s supposed to be good vibes if a dog likes to climb in to bed but not so good if your cat does it. Also, are you having trouble sleeping? That would help lots!

  115. The other night I dreamed that someone had shot and stabbed my right eye out. I walked around conducting my business with a throbbing, bloody eye hanging all over the place. I even said, “my eye really hurts!” A couple of times. And then I woke up to find my big fat cat sleeping next to my head, with one paw pressed onto my right eye.

  116. Ruth says:

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    My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing several weeks of hard work
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